Sociopaths exploiting your faith
PDF Sociopaths as much as anything exploit your faith in them…over and over again.
In many ways this captures the essence of sociopathy in particular, and exploitation in general: The sociopath, or exploiter, seduces your faith, only then to intentionally violate it.
The more seriously you take him, the more you are vulnerable; the more vulnerable you are, the more the exploiter is licking his chops.
And so the sociopath, or any exploiter, wants you to take him seriously! Indeed it’s his modus operandi to accumulate currency and credibility with you—the more the better, as this better ripens you, better fattens you, for the payoff he’s chasing.
Not all exploiters “get off’ on the suffering you’ll incur arising from their exploitation. Sadistic ones will; they’ll derive a portion of their satisfaction, if not their motivation to exploit, from your pain.
But more often the sociopath is flatly uninterested in your “expense.” He neither relishes, nor regrets, it deeply. What interests him, again, is his payoff; his prospective gain, not your loss, concerns him principally.
And so a core aspect of exploitation lies in the exploiter’s purposeful grooming of the faith of his victims, only then to purposely betray that faith.
And in cases of sociopathy there is the additional heartless indifference to the victim’s experience of that betrayal. Indeed, one measure of the depth of his heartlessness and audacity is the sociopath’s tendency to repeat this cycle regularly, abusing old and perhaps fresh victims.
When you think about it, what sociopaths and other exploiters prey upon—our faith—is what most of us are naturally inclined to give. We want to have faith in others. We want to believe that others will have our backs, not stab our backs in order to take something from us and then leave us, heartlessly, to grapple alone in confusion and despair.
We want to believe that, God forbid, were we lying on a deserted roadside, grievously wounded, that that stranger approaching us will have the intention to help us, and not, while issuing kind, reassuring words, to lift our wallets.
And so it’s no big accomplishment to exploit others. Sociopaths and all exploiters are going after something that’s as easily coaxed as it ought to be honored and safeguarded—our faith.
(My use of “he” in this article was strictly for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
written by Steve Becker, LCSW • Permalink •
Cat says:
one step, mine was supposedly “debilitated” by and injury and also has severe diabetes. well, i’ve watched him lift 20 lb boxes and he eats sugar like it’s going out of style. the “i’m gonna die” thing doesn’t fly with me at all.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Cat,
MINE had diabetes too!
now, if they only WOULD die.
it’s ‘only a fantasy’ came up near the end. his bf sock puppet used to say, ‘oh i don’t think you can have a meaningful relationship with someone who you have never met, or have only known 6 months’…and then ‘he’ and I would protest. ‘He’ was always ‘open as a book’ (one i forgot to add to the list that came roaming u[ to the surface last night when I was walking) and making excuses for the sock puppet bf and saying he just doesn’t understand…blah blah blah.
then after ‘he’ died I had a lot of contact with the sockpuppet bf – who went back to the website where we had all hung out. ‘He would say that EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET IS A FANTASY. and there i was, still protesting.
When ‘he’ resurrected and called me about 6 weeks after dying, I asked, ‘what about all those people you lied to’? (btw ‘he’ wasn’t copping to it – he had been ‘comatose’ had no idea what had been going on, his now dangerous bf was keeping him from people, blah blah)
And his response was, ‘who’? NONE of us mattered.
and ‘he’ loved eat ice cream and donuts. the spath probably IS diabetic; she is very overweight, so for there to be blood sugar problems wouldn’t be surprising.
one step
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one_step_at_a_time says:
i have been thinking about how much control my spath must have felt – me trying SO hard to help out and relay information to the bf that would help dying and psychologically falling apart boy.
all those phone calls and emails flying back and forth. trauma. again and again.
and all there REALLY was, was a ONE person sitting at a computer orchestrating it and responding to it. god, I wish the rest of my life was okay enough that i could focus on this healing.
thinking about the time the bf railed up against me – started out small. inconsequential. fist he was nice. then there were bits and then there was, his becoming fatigued as a caregiver, etc. i rearely pushed against ‘my boy’ – I know this was the case with one of her other dupees. But i did push agaisnt the bf at times, and he would flare and flame when i didn’t accept some aspect of the story being woven.
so i continue to weave all this together – or as i am getting really fond of saying, ‘stuff all the sox in the same big shoe’ (‘my boy’ used to say that he felt like he had a big shoe hanging over his head); understanding at deeper and broader levels the nature of the deception and what it means to me and has left me with.
i think when people say ‘let them rot in hell’ that it may mean that we hope they are left alone and forsaken, cut off from love and companionship. I have mixed feelings about my spath – and it is VERY clear that she was in a big game – what i keep running into is feeling ‘he’ is part of her. ‘He’ is not, ‘he’ is a composite of me and the other’s she has fucked over, and enough glue of her to hold it together. ‘He’ WAS real to me. OH, and THAT was another contention, that just because you coulnd’ google him doesn’t mean he didn’t exist (bless all those who challenged ‘him’)
okay, enough.
one step
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Cat says:
Oh, that open book! Mine was all fiction, changing day by day to whatever fit his purposes the best. That’s a good one to add.
Coma? Resurrected? Uh huh. But at least you saw through it all. Some would fall for it and at one time, I most likely would have.
No, NO ONE matters to them. When I got that part, I got the full picture.
My ex is an insulin dependent diabetic who is slowly, but surely, killing himself. Between the sugar and the drugs, his body is slowly dying. I know it sounds cold, but I honestly don’t care anymore. He used this so much as a reason for his behavior, he wore it out.
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Cat says:
one step, yeah, we could go on forever
too much energy to spend on them.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Henry,
harder in the small circles we tend to move in.
didn’t know that your spath was in your neighbourhood.
I went out last night also, and others found me to be quite witty. Had no idea. I am so messed over I never know how i will be. But i was with a couple of close friends and a few acquaintances.
in the last month one friend and i meet at a coffee shop once a week and play scrabble. I quite like it. I also always win
which is good for my competitive streak – hey i can’t compete in the job or housing market here, but i damn well win at scrabble. so we met last night to play scrabble then we met up with some friends to listen to some okay jazz- I LOVE music and esp. jazz. one friend got me in for free and bought me a drink, so i didn’t have any anxiety about the money.
I was there about 2 hours and the air intake system started pumping cig smoke in. sigh. I had to flee when it didn’t abate.
not perfect, but good.
all best,
one step
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Cat,
I need to keep orienting myself to ‘not real, didn’t exist’ again and again. it IS so sad.
when she called (the resurrection) for the first time I got to watch her work with the info I was feeding back to her (i challenged him about everything, got some of it right, some of it wrong, an dnow i realize some of it more right than i knew at the time) and shape a new story she thought i (and possibly others) might accept.
when she was caught out by another in the past she disputed the length of time of the fraud, NOT the fraud. And when i went on the website and said that the bf never died cause he never existed she never once said, ‘of course he died’. only how mean i was (freaking anonymously tyvm) to ‘piss on his memory’.
after RD (resurrection day) one of the sock puppets wrote me an email and threatened me, and another railed for about a week about sock puppets and people not desrerving the ‘light ‘ (me
of ‘him’, and threanted to cut me, blah blah blah. this would be sock puppet # 5, the bitchy queen. sigh. said almost all the things i said to him, EXCEPT that I thought ‘he’ was a spath. THAT never made it to print.
going out for a walk now.
one step, two
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one_step_at_a_time says:
oops, realize that the last post made it look like i threatened him with physical harm; i didn’t. I just talked aobut ‘death bloggers’ and sock puppets and that I was looking for ‘him’. sleuthing.
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henry says:
onestep – I live about 35 miles from where he is. I have not seen or spoke to him in over a year. Last I heard anything about him was from someone else that I really dont know well. I drove to his place of work one nite too see if his vehicle was in the parking lot about a year ago. It was. And that upset me. I have been thinking about doing that again. When I hear something on the local news like ” Body found behind Bar” I wonder if it was him. He is gone..history…wont ever see him again.. so many of you talk about your x still coming around, doing spiteful things etc. I almost wish he would. I cant answer why I want that, as I would ignore him. Too give him one second of recognition would make his day. Too give him one second of time too talk to me would be dangerous. So it is best I never see him again.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Henry – nostalgia is what is coming up for me re contact with the spath.
There is sadness. There is loss. I hope sometime that I have the calm in my life that i can really dig deep and heal what it is that caught me this time (and with my N gf.)
In an odd way it IS a gift to me. I have to uproot this hook that she latched on to.
My situation – in case it is still terribly confusing – is one of being duped on the net and on phone by a woman posing as a young guy and an array of sock puppets – his friends and family. So ‘he’ doesn’t even EXIST. Perhaps ‘his’ not being who he pretended to be is more literal than a ‘real life’ experience, and in some way easier – and in other’s not.
I just found out that the bf of one of my neighbors’ works with sex offenders, etc. at a prison. I have asked her to ask him (I have met him many times and liked him) if he will take some time to talk to me. Love fraud is good, but I don’t feel wholly comfortable here – I keep fearing she’ll find me here, and anytime I see something that is like something she would write then I get nervous – just words even. I am being triggered.
And then there is a desire for a bit of control…to have the op. to see them and reject them.
I know people here advise NC and it makes sense. (Of course here’s my caveat
) i have a lot of revenge fantasies. Sometimes I don’t even see them coming and I am caught up I them.
Her dupe who has gone public and is suing her for fraud has asked me to direct her to the website where I met her. And I freaked right the F**k out. Nuh uh. I don’t know this woman personally and i have no idea what she plans to do – thing is, one should ask, right? And old one step would. New one step just didn’t respond. The other woman needs to build trust and cred. with me first. I almost regret responding to her blog – but when I found it I just flipped out and said, ‘omg I have just found the person who duped me!’
And then I took some time verifying things – like a newspaper article and the lawsuit. It doesn’t change things though; so she was duped, too. But it doesn’t mean I can trust her. Arggh.
I have some conflict. Some parts of me want one thing, and others want something else. And as much as I just want it all over now, I need to go very slowly. And THAT is not my usual way, especially if something is causing me anxiety.
Some of the reading I have done here today spoke to the role of anxiety in attachment, and in the spath con. Mine is through the roof. I fee really lost inside myself – like there is a big barrier between me and others, feel unloved, or maybe more to the point, unlovable. But I guess there is a reason for that; someone pretended to care for and about me for months and it was just a game of cat and mouse. How callous. How demeaning to an ordinary person.
Pretty much I don’t get caught up in ascribing ordinary human emotions, etc. to the spath. I get that they are NOT normal. I get that. Something that I am sure would cause me no end of internal grief would not even cross her mind as being wrong.
I am coming to understand ‘how’ and ‘why me’ by reading. Now I need to break the strangle hold of the anxiety and the shame left from being demeaned. I still have a lot to ‘put my finger on’…so much I don’t yet understand.
I am not sure what to do with some of how I feel and what I want at times. I get glee from knowing she is being prosecuted. Funny ‘he’ brought out the best in me, and she has brought out the worst.
I feel both ashamed of my desire to hurt her, and understand it as both protective and vengeful. And want to know, really know how to proceed – and not do something because I have been a freaking nice girl and should do this or that. I have been through 12 step, a decade of Buddhism, etc. But I want to know, beyond pedagogy, what I REALLY NEED to do. And I have to give myself permission to be erratic, and change my mind and try on the coat and take it off.
I don’t know, I just don’t – there are lots of systems that could guide me – and not one of them makes space for seeking justice for the violation I feel. (I may have to take to reading the old testament).
I am struggling just to survive re housing and work and I HAVE to focus there, but this other stuff will not go away – I have to deal with it. But there are choices. And some eat more energy than others. I need to come to what my guiding principles are with this one. I don’t want to be harmed by my choices. I need to look myself in the mirror, over the short and long term. AND not just hold o to old ideas of relating – no one has ever done anything quite so despicable to me and perhaps it warrants special responses? Dunno yet. Part of me wants it to. There is something about the rage I feel that I don’t like – there is anxiety in it. I don’t want to live there. If I could be vengeful and not feel anxiety …….I truly don’t know yet.
I think that I am in such a hellish situation that fixating on this helps to distract me. ‘He’ always did. And I know that I recoil, literally from things I would have been doing even 2 weeks ago. I don’t want to ‘live’ in that place. I think I have been running on high adrenaline for so long that it is hard to get off the wheel.
I feel I can trust no one right now. No one. Oy.
Thanks for listening.
One step
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henry says:
one step – you wrote ” I have too uproot this hook she latched on to.” Yes I understnd and that is the life lesson we have to examine at this point. I was so humiliated and embarrassed and ashamed that I believed this guy. Of course he was here in the flesh for three years. We planned a future together. We slept together. What haunts me is I knew from the beginning he didnt love me. I could feel it, see it, smell it but when it said ‘I love you’ I wanted to believe. I thot maybe it is me that cant love or accept love. Still I think of the obvious moment’s of his deception and ask myself WHY did I hang on to the lie? Was I so desperate? Unlovable. Each minute I gave him the deeper he sank that hook into my longing for it too be true. He consumed my identity. And twisted my mind around to his way of seeing things. But that gut instinct was always there, I knew I was in danger and I didnt like it and I didnt know what to do. He played my emotions until I was an empty shell and there was no more fun in it for him. I looked at him like the evil he was and just sat there waiting for him to do more harm. I lost so much respect for myself. But I did make him leave after many break ups and make ups, I realized even if I think I love him and even tho he says he loves me, he has to go and I will deal with what ever comes afterwards. So here we are OneStep – this is the lesson and we must uproot it all. I have been at it for 18 months. I do see where this relationship was a pivotal point in my life. And I have more understanding about me than ever before. So you are on the right road One Step – the road to self discovery….
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sotired says:
Henry, your post resonates.
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Clovis50 says:
I am so in tune with what is said here. My s/p meeting started with his famiily introducing us and he would use terms like I know God must have put you in my life. He went to church twice with me and then started makingi excuses and sometimes fun of my beliefs. I would not have sex without marriage and so we married, only for him to discard me 4 months later. He ignored my calls and texts which of course as those who have been in this situation, totally baffles you and you start thinking, what did I do? I have come to find out later the whole time we were married, he had a my space site and a facebook site, promoting himself as single and making
over 75,000 ayear when in fact he lives in a shabby house with bills piled up to the ceiling that he has not even bothered to open and eats out of a crock pot 3 times a week, because as I found out later, he owes money everywhere! Trolling the internet for willing victims seems to be his agenda, although that is not how we met, his sister introduced us, and now find out she did it hoping I would be his savior. What a heart break this has been, a violation of my faith, a violation of my self esteem and heart. I have read most of these stories and i am here to say no contact is the key. The way that I did it is I took my friends advice and said “he is dead”-so you can’t email, text or call a dead person, a dead person can’t hurt you and a dead person doesnt require my buying groceries and my worry. I am on hinges waiting on the divorce to be final this week. I hope once this is done, I can begin to heal.
I have had to take medication just to go to work…he has done damage to my soul and my psyche and can only hope that I will heal someday…he literally almost destroyed me with this games, paying attention to me one day and ignoring me for days. these s/p are pure evil and hit you from every aspect. I am glad to get out early and say to those out there, keep faith in your fellow man, but use caution with your heart.
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Cat says:
one step, I hear you on the “real” not being real at all. I kept looking for a “sign” somewhere for a very long time that my ex was really a caring, loving human being. He wasn’t, he’s not and the only time he will be is when it serves his purposes. That is MY reality today and sometimes it sucks, but once my eyes were opened, they couldn’t be shut again. My dreams went down the toilet, my bank account was in the red, my heart was splintered and my psyche and soul were splintered. And I LIVED. That’s the one thing that keeps me going when I get nostalgic, as you and henry have talked about on here. When I first came out of my “Spath coma”, it was hard and one step, I understand that need for vindication. One of the things I wanted was for the whole world to finally see what I saw in this person. That didn’t happen. In your case, you have some solid, concrete evidence and that makes yours a bit different from my story.
henry, uproot it all? YES. For me, at least, it has to be all or nothing. For me, that’s a total, complete cleansing of my life, my soul, my mind, my heart.
one step, I understood what you were talking about in your post. Both you and Henry have been very kind to me as a newbie on here and I thank you for that.
Clovis50, I like your post. I have been there and done that. I’m sorry this week is so hard for you. I’m a newbie at this and my healing is in the first stages, but I know this site has helped me make huge leaps where I was once taking small steps.
Sending you prayers and hugs-Cat
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one_step_at_a_time says:
cat, I am a newbie here, also; let’s do the newbie dance! there is a song that goes with it and it starts: ‘my life is a mess and i can’t close my eyes again, even to sleep…’ the chorus is sung by a greek chorus of angles and debtors: ‘it sucks, it suckc’
totally dig this, YAY! :
“For me, that’s a total, complete cleansing of my life, my soul, my mind, my heart.” I like how clear, concise and promising it is.
I am struggling with the fact that those still active with the spath don’t know and I know that she has been feeding them shit about me cause they take pot shots. Now, this ONLY MATTERS IF ‘HE’ IS REAL, AND HE IS NOT. But there is a bind there – a part of me who feels so damaged by ‘ oh so and so deserves love and YOU”RE not welcome to play’. truth is more like the obligation to me was getting to be too much and the spath wanted to duck out. deathbloging sock puppet! (i like the word ‘spath’ sooo much)
again ty for the ‘cleansing’ declaration.
best,
one step
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style1 says:
I had a converstion this weekend with a narcissitic sociopath and saw it immediately.. He was a bad one.. he would say something .. then when I would refer to it. He would say that he didn’t say it.. It was classic.. and this turkey used to be President and part owner of a university.. I though, wow.. what damage has this man done in his life… and because of position people thought of him as ‘authority’ … as some rise to authority just to fulfill their narcissitic sociopathic needs. I confronted him fast and he went ‘crazy’….it was hysterically funnd and pathetically said to observe. I am getting good at seeing throught these types quickly.
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style1 says:
I meant to write hysterically funny and pathetically sad to observe.. It was like watching a caged animal caught and he was squirming.. and lashing out and he got more and more juvenile …
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citykitty617 says:
I love this site. I just wanted to say that my P soon to be ex’s ex wife killed herself last Thursday. He is currently at her funeral with the two son’s they have, which I raised for the past 10 years because she lost her mind and has been in and out of mental hospitals, jail, etc.
The plan was to have us all drive out, but I said I might skip that step and meet them there. He left for three days with the youngest boy and left me and the oldest all alone – would not pick up his phone. Suddenly he calls and says he bought three tickets (him and the boys) and to get everything ready for them. The Irony of this is I was much closer to her than any of them. All they did was make fun of her.
This article really resonates with me because she and I were both very spiritual, me raised Catholic and her Protestant, but we both studied all sorts of theology and really tried to instill faith in the boys.
The P father is a hard-core Atheist (which I think is the boldest religion, a universal negative) and has fully brainwashed the boys into thinking there is nothing after death. Her family obviously thinks he is pond skum and I heard of her death first. He instructed me not to say anything to the children until he got home. Which of course was 12 hours later. I respected his wishes, and listened while he told them she was dead, that currently her breastbone was being cut into and the top of her head was being sawed off.
What I am doing is leaving while they are at the funeral. I WILL NOT be the next victim. I could have flown out alone but decided she would want me to just get myself out of here. I feel bad that the kids will come home and see me gone, but I must save myself.
He has always hoped for her death. Spoke of it often in front of the children. So I am just going to assume I am next on his list. Of course I am not saying he literally kills people, it is an slow mental process. A good friend told me today that if I can take anything out of the loss of my BFF (I would like to raise her from the dead and kill her several more times right now) – it should be to get away and never look back.
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henry says:
citykitty – RUN BABY RUN AND DONT LOOK BACK~! peace..
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one_step_at_a_time says:
city kitty -
YOU GO GIRL!! REALLY, GO!!
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Cat says:
city kitty, GO AS FAST AS YOU CAN…PLEASE!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
From the article: ‘We want to believe that, God forbid, were we lying on a deserted roadside, grievously wounded, that that stranger approaching us will have the intention to help us, and not, while issuing kind, reassuring words, to lift our wallets. ‘
When I was 21 i ran away from an alcoholic bf. I had left and come back in the middle of the night (can’t remember why0 to find the doors wide open, one of his cars in the middle of the street, the pets traumatized, a shotgun in the tree, all my stuff broken and strew about, and the phone ripped out of the wall.
my neighbor and his pregnant wife were coming home. i had never met them, but they could see from the state of our yard, that all was not well. the pregnant wifr went immediately to bed, and the HUSBAND SHOWED ME TO THE PHONE AND F**KING MADE A PASS AT ME.
Compassion lives a spath life.
one step.
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Cat says:
one step, nice to know I’m not alone and that others are in the same spot. If I’m very lucky, I’ll be learning for the rest of my life. a dance? just for us? lets rock!
Thanks for the YAY but I really do feel that we have to literally change everything in our life, sometimes including where we live. I did that as well. It’s either that or read sad stories like city kitty’s where the ex committed suicide. How sad and all too common for those who have had one of these people in their lives.
Part of the cleansing for me has been not allowing those around me who tried taking those pot shots at me as well. I’m still working on this part, but I have cut a lot of people out of my life who are still in contact with my ex P because they don’t understand him and I’m not willing to listen to them criticize me for not allowing him to use me anymore. They don’t see what I see, but they will…when he’s used them. It’s a HARD step to take, but it works and I have peace.
I gather yours has a “fantasy” going on. I’ve had that one happen with me as well. It sounds harsh, but I’m at a place where I take no s**t. I know there’s a middle ground. I just haven’t gotten there yet.
Hang in there, I know it all will get better.
Hugs,
Cat
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skylar says:
Steve, really great post. Sociopathy can feel so confusing because none of us can really relate to what motivates the sociopath, so it really helps to read your reminders about why they do what they do. I believe my P is actually primarily motivated by sadism, but I have to remember that he ALSO has additional motivations as well.
Henry,
I read your posts and feel for you. As you may recall, I’ve been a “monk” for many, many years while I lived with my P. My hermit lifestyle is what I’m used to but it does make me a bit lonely too. So recently, I found a compatible “monk” to hook up with! You aren’t likely to find a compatible “monk” at the bar scenes (though we occasionally will go to those to people watch together).
Since you like to garden and the country lifestyle, have you considered joining a hobby or garden association? You might find more people with common interests that way. Rather than clubbing, you might look into a meetup.com for like minded people in your area or the next big city from you.
Lots of us hermit-types want to meet other reclusives but don’t like the bar scenes. You will have to change your standards a bit because most reclusives don’t have the great, sophisticated, suave, social skills of a club hopper, but then at least that lowers the likelihood of meeting another S. Personally, I find the geeky reclusive more attractive than a suave sociopath any day.
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henry says:
Hi Skylar I thought monks were male? lol Thanks for your concern’s. I am a misfit. But I agree with you, I need to meet similar types. Your suggestions are good and I will look into a gardening club or something similar. I have looked into so many mature male sites and I see nothing but body parts with a list of fetishes. Very discouraging indeed. I feel like i am from another planet sometimes. I have a friend of a friend working on a blind date for me, we will see how that goes. But I am doing well and have my work and a few friends and family. thanks again sky..
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citykitty617 says:
Thank you all for your support. I am running as fast as I can, but doing it right this time. There will be not trace of me ever having lived here and I am organizing important pics, etc. Because I know he will do as he has before – try using the children as a ploy to get me back, but I will not be back. I am going to collect myself at my parents house for a while and am considering leaving the country after our divorce is final, early January.
I have struggled as to what I will say in court. I don’t want to hurt the children or get him in trouble, but on the other hand I can’t perjure myself and not say the reason I filed was because altho he makes 350K yearly he will not provide health insurance for the family, and I think I have posted before I need a mammogram. Any advice would be welcome – I believe I must tell the truth and screw it if he gets in trouble with DSS. At least he would be forced to provide care for his children, right? It is illegal in MA to not be covered.
I am so sorry to hear the way all of you have been hurt.
@ Cat – you are so right about cutting those people out of your life. I am working on that, as well. I believe all these people who can’t see what you see, will eventually – inevitably he will hurt them, too. And then they will think of you and feel like idiots.
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henry says:
city kitty – From reading your post @ dec.7 1:13pm. I must stress that you don’t have time to think about what you will tell the courts your reason for divorce is. Your life sounds to be in danger from this man. There will be time to sort all that stuff out later when you are in a safe place. I had hoped you would be gone from there already. Don’t think for one moment he is not aware of what your doing, they have an uncanny sense of these things. Get off the puter and go…Let us know when you are safe and there will be lot’s of advice to give you as far as reasons for divorce LATER……….irreconcilable (sp) difference’s for one….go go go NOW…….
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Cat says:
One step, I’m visualizing the scene you described with the alcoholic bf when you were 21. Yeah, I can believe someone would do that. What “lovely” neighbors! I can just see this whole scene because I lived through similar situations; like him cutting the phone lines so I couldn’t call the police and then trying to wake the neighbor at 3AM so that he could call the police on ME for verbal abuse. OK, what’s wrong with this picture? And the worst of it all is that my son witnessed this. Gotta love those neighbors! Mine didn’t wake up (thank God) and yours made a pass at you. Go figure…
city kitty, I brought up the above to one step, because yes, the children will suffer and he will use them as pawns. BUT he would do that whether you were with him or not. My ex was a pro at using our son and still tries to do that. Please, as henry and others have said, just go now. I can see from your post that you’ve thought this through in that no one will even know you’ve been there.
henry is right on this one. Don’t worry about the divorce now. Just go. If this man could drive someone to suicide, I shudder to think of what he’s capable of.
Please let us know when you are safe.
Sending hugs and courage,
Cat
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Cat says:
style, I read your post (12:15PM) and I have to agree completely. Kudos to yo for calling him on it! They just HATE that! Before my Spath came into the picture, I was married for a long time to someone who had a big name and the family money to go with it. His “friends” were those who held office and I was sickened at the abuse of power. People placed their faith in these people to do the right thing. They were able to hide a lot of garbage and get away with it. There were a lot of pay offs as well. All done so they could have that power and control. Note: I’m not say ALL politicians are like this. There are those who truly care and do the best they can in office.
Many, however, go after higher positions to feed that narcissistic beast within.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Cat:
i didn’t have kids, but there were devastated animals who lived through that man’s bs and breaking things and throwing things. I felt so guilty about leaving my cat there when i fled. i did go back and take her. she was shy and nervous (a shelter cat who I hadn’t had that long) to begin with
His dog, who he LOVED so much – i will forever hate boston terriers – was SO neurotic. And now I know why. I too would have been sucking on pillows if i had stayed any longer.
I have these 3. the alcoholic bf from 21, the N gf from 45 and now the spath. And then there is my father, who although i havne’t quite labelled is wha tht ecognitive therpaist called a CORRUPT SOURCE, my crazy as shit sister (’nuff said) and now this horrid landlord. so they are here. i have cut my sister out of my life for now. i will sure my dad for what he stole from me, as soon as i can get a bit stable. the spath and N are gone and the alcoholic is many many years gone…..
…..but there is a lineage here and i hope to god that the extreme trauma of this situaion is deep and big enough to unhinge the lineage, make it apparent, give me a different enough perspective that i can ge tin theri with a shovel and DIG IT THE F**K OUT!!!
the odd is now SO BIG, that I can see it as THEM, and work on making myself safe and taking up the space I NEED TO in my own life. as they say in kink: HARD BOUNDARIES. NOT GOIN’ THERE BOUNDARIES. F**K THEM!
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carla says:
Steve,
Brilliant as usual. Exploitation is a trait that if I had understood it would have put the pieces together when I was trying to figure out what was wrong with my spouse. The grooming was done so gradually and over so many years. I wonder how after all I know, I hear his voice and when he sounds rational I regain faith again. I’ve learned to ignore that voice thinking “well maybe this time he is being reasonable, although he is a sociopath.” I have to remember the times he his convincing and appears healthy is just seduction. Everytime I thought he was temporarily normal, later I figured out how he got his desire met at the expense of me. He almost got me to sign a joint tax return. Fortunately I had an accountant and my attorney remind me not to sign. Good thing I listened. He commited so much tax fraud and my asset (maybe even my freedom) would be jeopardized. He is not accountable for his actions and he gets away with so much turning it around on others. He is outraged now that he is trapped with the consequences of his lying and stealing. He exploited me, his employee/sexual partners, IRS, his family, his friends to get his fixes for sex, gambling, drugs, money and status.
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carla says:
My sociopath was labeled by one therapist as “schizoid.” My research and 2 other therapists determined his characteristics were sociopathic. What distinguishes the two? Is exploitating faith in them the trait that makes sociopaths different from other personality disorders?
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skylar says:
carla, the difference is the audacious lies. They shamelessly lie all the time (the sociopaths) and they are very slick in their manipulations.
Schizoids are cluster A and socio’s are cluster B.
Schizoids lack social skills in general. They do try hard to have social skills but tend to revert to slightly childish behaviors because they really have very little interest in people.
Socio’s only real interest is in manipulation of other people. My ex-P was gifted in mechanical thinking and seemed ingenious in his tinkering and inventions, but his real interest was in the con game and he used all his skills toward that end. He could sell ice to an eskimo.
Jesus said you will know a tree by the fruit it bears. Look at the life he’s lead and what he has left in the wake of his path. That will tell you what you are looking at.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
This is awesome Sky.
‘…what he has left in the wake of his path. That will tell you what you are looking at. ‘
I think that this will help me.
Thanks.
one step
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katiebug11 says:
Wow! I can not express what this site has meant to me. I have finally been able to re-claim my sanity- after all HE was crazy- not ME. But you know he tried to convince me it was ME for years! Twelve years to be exact! A Christian? You better believe he said he was a Christian. Christian my a#$. Liar, POSER, phoney, anything but a Christian. It amazes me how they can stand there in church and hold your hand like they are the most perfect Christian ever. But it is only an act. Everything they do is an act. It has taken me soooooo long to figure that out. And they LIE without any of the normal “lying” indicators. You know like on the show “Lie To Me”- where people do things that indicate they are lying?? Not the S/P- they lie without batting an eye baby! No Problemo!!
I love the post about “for my next trick I’ll need a volunteer”. Wow that was me. And many of you too. I am looking forward to my freedom.
Well- so I met with an attorney today and I have an excellent case. I am going to offer a uncontested first and I bet he will take it. If word got out about everything he has done in this small community- he WOULD lose his job. I can taste freedom and it tastes good. I can’t wait for the day when I know NOTHING about him. I want nothing to do with him. I have given up on my revenge fantasy. That is a HUGE part of their game – they hook you into their game of winning and being one-up and you end up trying to re-coop your losses like a gambler- I read that on here somewhere. And that is just how it feels- like you are trying to get back some of what you gave- they are COUNTING on that need!
I am cutting my losses. Other people may stand by him- but some people are not stupid and will know what he is. In the end- Jesus knows. He always knows. It is what it is.
Love and hugs!!
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OxDrover says:
Dear Katie-bug,
I am glad you are here and glad you have “got it” and glad you are finding your power and your strength to escape. TOWANDA!!!
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paleluna says:
My N and I got into a fight one night and I went out for a couple of hours to get away from him. When I got home, he beat me up. He went to bed after he got through attacking me. I was so frustrated and angry I punched both my hands out, unknowingly into a glass door, resulting in a huge gash on my forearm. At that time, our neighbor, who was fed up with the noises of domestic violence, banged on our apartment door and screamed that she was calling the police. My N calmly yelled back to her to call an ambulance as well. I had blood gushing from my wound that later received 58 stitches. He just stared down at me so calmly as I was hysterically crying and begging him to help me. It took about 15 minutes for the paramedics to get there. The only effort he made to help me was to hand me a towel and that was right before they got there. I will never forget the way he looked at me. I could have been bleeding to death – there was so much blood – and he just calmly stared at me and didn’t help me! I am so glad I didn’t die that way.
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paleluna says:
And when I was finally able to leave him … the second time … I had to leave my cat behind for a few weeks. When I went back to get her, she had been shaved. He denied doing it.
I’m back with him and attempting a third and final break as soon as I can get enough money up to leave.
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ErinBrock says:
Katiebug:
You go girl!
Welcome and keep your eyes open!
Document, document, document…….and follow through!
Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open…..they dont go quietly.
I hope yours takes the uncontested…..but never count your chickens before they hatch…..it only leads to a downfall of emotions.
Prepare for the worst and take what you can get.
Only time will tell how it turns out.
In the meantime. Read the articles, then the comments and see how others have dealt with our situations……we have all had different journeys through the legal system.
I’m glad you found LF!
Good luck!
EB
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ErinBrock says:
PaleLuna:
We do things we NEVER would do in any other situation…..I think it’s our way of trying to get their attention….they way we would give it.
and it never works, in fact it backfires…..it’s thier way of defending themselves and portraying us as the perps/the crazy ones……
This is what the the ex s did to me too…..and it took me years to figure this out.
He had a bank of old friends he split me off from making me out to be crazy……so they still believe this…..and they are his supply currently……which, quite frankly is fine……some are figureing him out….BUT IT”S NOT ME ANYMORE!!!!!
You are in a very toxic environment…..and you need to do all you can to protect yourself. Stay mum, do your homework and get the hell out asap!
Stick around here and go back into the old articles…..read read read and see what others have done to escape……
Don’t get sucked in, and don’t think it will get better the longer you stay! There is NEVER a ‘good’ time to leave……Just do it!
Keep yourself safe…..and get out!!!
Good luck!!
EB
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one_step_at_a_time says:
PaleLuna – dear stuck moth to the spath flame,
I was shocked when i read the last line of your post.
I know nothing of the challenges you are facing, but
PLEASE LEAVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. OR SOONER.
I know – money, etc. I KNOW.
all best,
take good care and get out asap,
one step
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Cat says:
PaleLuna, I echo what one step and EB have written on here.
He will NOT change, no matter how many chances you give him.
Please GO NOW to a place that is safe. I did that myself.
Take care of yourself and stay safe. Where you are is toxic to your health in ALL ways.
Keep coming back here. This has been my healing place, my education on the REALITY of what they are and are not, and a source of encouragement.
Sending prayers and courage,
Cat
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Cat says:
katiebug,
You go girl! Once you’ve had a taste of freedom, it’s not something you want to let go of. It’s AWESOME. I could feel the “positive” in your post. I loved it! This site has helped me too. I come here to learn, gather courage and heal. Wonderful place with wonderful people.
Hugs,
Cat
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Cat says:
Forgot to add that I hope that one day, I can be as much help to others as so many are on here. Gotta give it away in order to keep it, as they say.
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AbuDhabiEyes says:
Alone in a foreign country for a new career… I was lonely and a bit scared. Thats when I met Dave P. He was from Newport Beach –just a short drive from my hometown so I felt an instant familarity. Letting my guard down was a HUGE mistake… 4 months later I was so confused, emotionally drained, and physically sick that I almost lost my job. Fortunately Dave was relocated to Morrocco by his company but continued to call / email me, claiming I was THE ONE. Stupidly, I kept in touch not wanting to believe the real truth – that this handsome, seemingly successful man was a sociopath. I thought I was being “too needy, sensitive, etc” and that is was just grief over a failed romance…. but something kept nagging my conscience. So I kept his emails. Now I KNOW he was definately a sociopath and would like to warn others. Is there anything I can do legally back in the US? Also, I’m a single woman living alone in a Muslim country so I have to be careful.
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OxDrover says:
AbuDhabiEyes,
What do you mean “is there anything I can do legally back in the US?” Are you a US citizen? Is He? Where did the crime take place or the fraud> Is it a civil matter or a criminal matter? I’m not an attorney, but there is a man on here, Matt, who is an attoorney in NY and can answer some questions, but your question I do know is too vague for him to have enough information to be able to formulate an answer.
There are several web sites that list men and “out” them as “dontdatehimgirl” or something along that line. I have never listed anything on them.
Keep in mind, too, if you take vengence on him, he may very well retaliate, and if you are a single woman living in a muslim country that might be dangerous.
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AnshelBomberger says:
This is my story of a ten year relationship with the biggest con artist I have ever met. I had been manipulated by others all of my life, but this con’s manipulation conned me the longest — a decade.
Back in 2000 I met someone who overwhelmed me with praise and attention. We talked on the telephone for hours each day and emailed back and forth often. Our song was, “I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You.” It should have been, “I Knew I Was Going To Use You Before You Did.”
In the very beginning, when we dated, I took her to my cabin in the mountains. I also went to her town home for a few dates. Even in the beginning I wondered why it had taken her so long to unpack her boxes and move into her own place that she had said she longed for for so many years. She hadn’t unpacked those boxes because she was hovering. She didn’t tell me this, friends on the sidelines explained this to me. My con artist was seeking out prey. She hadn’t intended of unpacking and moving into her own place completely. Her intention was to stay there long enough until she found someone to take care of her. Then she would merely move those boxes and unpack them with that person, me, and my two homes.
In the beginning I also wondered why she lived with others and this was her first place of her own? She was nine years older than myself. I was in my late thirties and she was in her late forties, by now we all should have learned to take care of ourselves. I had. She explained that living for over twenty years in Santa Barbara, California before moving to Colorado was too expensive to live on your own. She lived with other people out of necessity. It sounded as if it made perfect sense, I knew I wouldn’t be able to afford a place on my own in an expensive city. So, why was she still hovering in her own place here in the Denver area? She had a good job, she could afford her town home, why not be excited and embrace all the wonderful emotions of setting up your own abode? I know I loved setting up a home. I couldn’t imagine living out of boxes. It would seem cluttered, disorganized, and most of all temporary; something I just wasn’t.
Her patterns were many. They started to add up, but as anyone that has been conned for years knows, the honest one that is being conned pushes the red flags aside, believing because they behave honestly, and that the one they fell in love with must be honest too — wrong.
In the beginning she seemed to be honoring her commitments. After all, she had to be able to honor commitments in order to get a loan for her town home. Well, eventually she just moved in with me and rented out her town home. Then she allowed her town home to go into foreclosure and ended up selling it in a short sell. My friend was her realtor. She walked away from that transaction owing my friend money. I was the one that paid my realtor back in order to save the relationship with my friend that had been cheated in the course of helping my con artist out. Later that year my con artist filed bankruptcy and I was paying for nearly everything. I refused to pay for food and the cable, the two important things in my con’s life. I knew whether or not my con was in my life or not, I’d still need to do whatever it took to keep a roof over my head. She wasn’t contributing to the mortgage, utilities, or any other bills. All she had to do was buy the food and pay the cable bill. When she finally left, I ended up paying the final cable bill. Was I shocked? Nope. I expected it.
Not long into the relationship I couldn’t figure out why she no longer wanted to touch me or why she withdrew when I attempted to touch her. I knew I was her first lesbian lover and she had been with many men, but I figured she just didn’t know how to initiate intimacy with a woman. Many times I tried to innate intimacy but was slowly pushed out of my own bed. When I tried to get her to just hold me, she wouldn’t. I asked her what kind of lesbian she was? I asked her if she wanted to go back to men? She never gave me a clear answer. Instead she just would cry. We tried couple’s counseling, but that ended up with me and the therapist doing all the communicating and my con artist would sit there crying, not saying a word. It became a moot point and we stopped going.
She was not capable of opening up to people, yet, she’d openly and freely hold and spoon with our dogs. Eventually I began sleeping in another room. I figured I might as well have a bed all to myself and not only have to fight for room in the bed, but attention in the bed. I was dangling on the edge of the bed anyway. Not only fighting for attention, but space on the bed as well.
One time, again, in the beginning, I did kick her out. I put all of her things out of the house in Aurora, and said I was done. Eventually her intense eye contact (unblinking, fixated, and emotionless — certainly not a sign of empathy —- an effort to assert control), brought me right back to the feelings and belief that she did care for me. After all, she looked me straight in the eyes when she made her worthless promises.
I thought if I bought her expensive cruises, jewelry, even a marriage in Canada, things would change and she’d be able to show me some form of intimacy. Nope. After she admitted to me that she hadn’t loved me for years, I snapped. I immediately threatened her with reporting her for criminal trespass if she didn’t leave my home immediately.
She went to my second home in the mountains and lived. Earlier in the relationship I put her name on the titles of the homes. We were legally married in Canada, she was my wife, she was to be put on title like any spouse of a marriage. Years later when things started to fall apart, I insisted that she pay for her own cell phone and sign a Quit Claim Deed for both homes, giving me back control over my property. Somehow she agreed, while saying, “Sure, I’ll do it, I told you I wouldn’t cheat you.”
After I snapped, I forced her to sign a Memorandum of Understanding in order to feel as if I was the one being fair and practicable. It was taken from the wording of a legal Separation Agreement. I told her if she refused to sign it, I’d have her arrested from the house she was residing at in the mountains for criminal trespass. I made sure I told her that a Fifth Degree Criminal Trespass charge comes with jail time and fines. She had the agreement signed and sent to me the next day via priority Mail. I knew if I eventually raised the weekly rent and she was a “Tenant-At-Will,” I could get my property back in my legal possession. I forced her out.
I guess she thought she could tell me she loved me one day and the next day tell me she hadn’t for years and still live off of me. After all, until her words matched her behaviors toward me, she got away with living off of me and not having to show me affection at all. Her own words confirmed for me what I had suspected for years. I felt betrayed. I felt trust had been broken. I felt lied to. In retrospect her shameless techniques she used to keep me stuck were:
1. Charm — She is very good at charming others.
2. Recognizing a person who is decent and trusting — the perfect target — me!
3. Emotion seduction (“Come Here; No, go away.”)
4. Crocodile tears — especially when she was about to be confronted.
5. Plan B when she was about to be confronted — moving back to her family after being away from them for decades.
6. Gaslighting — making me doubt my own perceptions (The term “gaslighting” comes from a 1944 movie called Gaslight, in which gold-digging husband marries a rich, innocent woman and tries to make her feel like she is going insane. Sociopaths are experts at it).
Life for my con artist was reduced to a contest. I was her game piece; moved about, used as a shield, used for a roof over her head, and eventually ejected. She may think she won, but she didn’t. I have my homes back, my life back, my control back, but post traumatic stress disorder has set in and I find I am angry and hyper vigilant. I don’t trust anyone and sometimes I question my own perceptions and choices now.
Even during the last encounter with my con artist (as I had the opportunity to tell her good bye to help with my closure), she attempted to suck me right back in by looking me in the eyes, with tears from both of us, while she promised to work on herself and that she’d be back one day. She asked me to save her grave site (that I had pre-paid for). She showed me that she pawned her gold jewelry in order to buy new tires for her car. That showed me two things, first, “Look what you made me do?” — sell my wedding ring. Second, she lied to my face once again at her last attempt to emotionally manipulate me. “I’m sorry.” She was not sorry. I realized that after I thought about the wedding ring that she wanted to keep as a precious keepsake and instead she sold it for tires, she was not sorry.
I walked away wondering why at our good bye was she telling me these things. Why at our final good bye was it the only time she tried to french kiss me passionately and hold me the way I had always wanted her to hold me throughout the ten years together? She was attempting to leave the door open by finally giving me what I begged for all along — affection.
I felt cheated in so many ways. Cheated in time wasted. Cheated in money wasted. Cheated in the false finality of our good bye. I realize I have PTSD in how I was manipulated to one area in my own homes, while she ran the entire rest of the homes.
I felt as if “my room” was my solitary confinement. Now that she is gone and living in the Buffalo, New York area, I have a difficulty with living space. I tend to want to go back to a one room, when I have two homes to choose from. I can only relate this to what a Prisoner of War must go through. There is a scene in the movie “Cast Away,” where Tom Hanks is in his hotel room. His room was catered with sea food — food that he probably was sick of. No one considered that he might want a steak or Mexican food. Something different. On the other hand, he had been conditioned through his survival that even though he had a warm comfortable bed and lights now, he was only conditioned through his survival for years to be comfortable on the bare floor, while turning the lamp on an off. No one considered that what he needed wasn’t a plush room, rather a small space. To everyone else the large space and plushness is inviting, to Tom’s character, it was something to have to get used to again. I too only feel comfortable in the one room at a time where I was allowed by my con artist to occupy. It was my own space minus of her. I learned to know no different. I am now having to get used to space again, my own space again, minus her. One minute, hour, day at a time.
As I begin to heal, I learn that no matter what I did I could not “cure” her conning ways with my money, time, or “love.” I couldn’t change anything and expect her to be satisfied. I couldn’t even get her to begin to understand how I felt and how much she hurt me. She really didn’t care.
To a sociopath (my con artists), I was just “supply.” I was a source of money, housing, or whatever else people were taking from me. Even though my former partner said, “I love you,” the words meant nothing. Her sole objective was to keep the supply coming. The intensiveness was the so-called “love” fraud for both of us that kept us both stuck.
So what did I do? I cut my losses and got out. I am in weekly therapy learning essential skills on healing. I am learning and understanding that I’m not a fool, I was targeted. Yes, I am angry, very angry. I’m working on that too. Sociopaths are expert manipulators. They spend their whole lives perfecting their acts. There are millions of sociopaths on this planet, and each has conned hundreds of people. I know I am certainly not alone.
Getting help for me was not from my son or friends. No one really understands what I went through unless they, too, have been targeted and conned. Thank G-d my con artist is hundreds of miles away. The space and eventually time will help more and more deceptions become even clearer. I can work through those issues as they come up. I work on ridding of my anger through writing and working out. Obsession of this situation at times seems out of control too. Research has shown that attempts to suppress a thought can cause an increase in the frequency of the thought. If I find myself thinking obsessively about an event or person, I attempt to interrupt the thoughts with, “I release you and any hold you have on me.” This sounds so simple, people often laugh, but it works. I’ve found that I have to do this over and over throughout the day — perhaps for weeks, months, or even longer. It helps me live in the moment.
Although I still receive email from my con artist, the last one I opened she was communicating that her departure is a bad dream to her. I needed to cut all ties and I have learned to block her from emailing me, so I will not be tempted to be sucked right back in from her seeming kindness and pity attempts. I know she is hundreds of miles away and has her own work to do. Ten years of touch deprivation and no affection whatsoever took a huge toll on my body, mind, and spirit. I am learning to take care of my needs and recognize others attempts to control me. I have learned I surrounded myself for years by a few people that loved manipulating me. I begin my healing by telling those people that I am working on making my life healthier and I will not longer tolerate others’ attempts to control me and to not attempt to manipulate me. If they ask me for something and I don’t feel comfortable about it, I tell them, “No.” I have learned these people were toxic to me as well. Setting clear boundaries made it very easy for me to see who was going to stay or who needed to go. I have lost many people that I thought were “friends,” but as one door closes others open for me. Friendship is about equality and balance in a relationship, it is not one-sided. Those that exited my life, were the one-sided takers, not givers. It was about their needs being met and mine not being addressed at all. I am clearly able to see manipulators and con artists coming and I just don’t have anything to do with them now. I thought I’d be lonely, but I am enjoying my time by myself and my dogs. I still keep busy with my volunteer work in the Jewish and Veterans’ community where I reside. That helps me feel as if I am giving of myself. It does my soul good. I have dear friends at my synagogue and they are helping me though this rough spot too.
I did find a book on the Lovefraud.com web site that explains the dynamics of these toxic encounters. It is very helpful and I recommend it for anyone that is being emotionally abused through con artists or any relationship where they are being manipulated. Much of the manipulation stems from our childhood trauma bonding. We take what we learn from our childhoods and still live these sort of dynamics as adults. This book explains it all: “The Betrayal Bond – Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships.” By Patrick J. Carnes.
Anshel
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Matt says:
AnshelBomberger:
So much of what you wrote resonated with me. One year ago today my article describing my experience with a man whom I had gotten involved with was published here on LoveFraud. I was a criminal defense attorney, and I still got conned by an ex-con. Unlike you, I didn’t marry him — and thank God I didn’t because I would have had to pay big to get rid of him — prenup or no prenup. I don’t know if you have formally filed for divorce with this woman, but if you haven’t either divorce this viper or get an annulment.
You are in a place of healing. Welcome.
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henry says:
Anshel – Your story resonates. Thank you for sharing. My X Sociopath BF – has been gone almost two years. I will know I am me again when I no longer fear looking in his eyes…’you’ understand that…welcome and it will get better. I recommend “Meaning from Madness” by Richard Skerritt.
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geminigirl says:
Dear Anshel,
I have to sincerely thank you! This really resonates with me as well.Your ex spath wife, sounds EXACTLY like my 45 year old spath daughter. I have printed out your entire letter,and underlined all the similarities, its SCAREY how alike they are! I think in some ways its even harder to cut off your own adult child. but I know for my sanity, well being, bank balance,[which is slowly recovering} I MUST stay NC with her. It was a year on the 8th Dec. since I last saw Deb, and total NC by email or phome sine end of June this year.My boundary to her was ONE ,apology , only one, for all the unbelievably cruel, hurtful disrespectfultreatment meted out to me. It doesnt look like Ill ever get it, and even if she did say “sorry” it would only be a ruse to try to con more money out of me. I didnt have a clue till I found LF re gaslighting, mirroring, projection,etc, I have learnt so much in 6 months!
I have been physically abused by her, conned out of large sums of money, lied to,emotionally abused, my home, art studio, and small flat,{condo} were all wrecked by her.She lies like she breathes. And the crocodile tears! The pity partys!
The fraud! She banned me from her wedding, but invited her dad and my second husband,{who naturally didnt go}She sees herself as an superior entitled,flawless person. Its always always someone elses fault. She has been separated for 3 and a half years from her long suffering husband, who now has the 3 kids full time,”until she sorts herself out” Like your ex, her stuff is in boxes, in store or parked with he ex husband. the kids dont appear to miss her. Kev is MUCH the better parent, and Im so relieved he has then full time now.I have forgiven her over and over, but as she would never ever acknowledge shed done anything wrong, shed never apologise to me for anything.I still love her but I cant stand her, does this make any sense?Over the last 3 or 4 years, she must have conned over $10,000 out of me. Now that Im not enabling her any longer, she has lost her rented flat,{condo}, and is flat sitting for a girlfriend at the moment. What then? She has basically thrown away a loving gorgeous husband, her home, her kids, her Mum, good jobs, good friends whom she has used once to often! She has no car, no full time job, no credit rating,no home,and she still thinks shes a smart, intelligent, suPerior being!! For 30 years Ive worried myself half to death about her. NO MORE! Shes 45, a mature woman,shes on her own now, IVE HAD IT!!Im 70 now, and Im sick of it,she only ever used to ring me if she needed something, never to say,”how are you, Mum?” Ive had enough.NC is hard, but I know its my only salvation from her.Thanks again! Love, geminigirl.XX
Ps, Ive also now got the following books, and am reading them all,”The Betrayal Bond,” “Meaning from Madness”, People of the Lie” by Scott Peck,-they re all helping me to see what she is truly like.Very sad.
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