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Sociopaths exploiting your faith

Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 7:00am • My Weblog

Sociopaths as much as anything exploit your faith in them…over and over again.

In many ways this captures the essence of sociopathy in particular, and exploitation in general: The sociopath, or exploiter, seduces your faith, only then to intentionally violate it.

The more seriously you take him, the more you are vulnerable; the more vulnerable you are, the more the exploiter is licking his chops.

And so the sociopath, or any exploiter, wants you to take him seriously! Indeed it’s his modus operandi to accumulate currency and credibility with you—the more the better, as this better ripens you, better fattens you, for the payoff he’s chasing.

Not all exploiters “get off’ on the suffering you’ll incur arising from their exploitation. Sadistic ones will; they’ll derive a portion of their satisfaction, if not their motivation to exploit, from your pain.

But more often the sociopath is flatly uninterested in your “expense.” He neither relishes, nor regrets, it deeply. What interests him, again, is his payoff; his prospective gain, not your loss, concerns him principally.

And so a core aspect of exploitation lies in the exploiter’s purposeful grooming of the faith of his victims, only then to purposely betray that faith.

And in cases of sociopathy there is the additional heartless indifference to the victim’s experience of that betrayal. Indeed, one measure of the depth of his heartlessness and audacity is the sociopath’s tendency to repeat this cycle regularly, abusing old and perhaps fresh victims.

When you think about it, what sociopaths and other exploiters prey upon—our faith—is what most of us are naturally inclined to give. We want to have faith in others. We want to believe that others will have our backs, not stab our backs in order to take something from us and then leave us, heartlessly, to grapple alone in confusion and despair.

We want to believe that, God forbid, were we lying on a deserted roadside, grievously wounded, that that stranger approaching us will have the intention to help us, and not, while issuing kind, reassuring words, to lift our wallets.

And so it’s no big accomplishment to exploit others. Sociopaths and all exploiters are going after something that’s as easily coaxed as it ought to be honored and safeguarded—our faith.

(My use of “he” in this article was strictly for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the attitudes and behaviors described. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)

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written by Steve Becker, LCSW • Permalink •

131 Comments to “Sociopaths exploiting your faith”

to innocent to know says:

Thank you Steve, you hit the nail right on the head!
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 8:15am
duped says:

Wow! So true!!! The S that duped me so obviously used this tactic. So obviously, I must have been incredibly weak in my faith in myself to not notice!

When I’d have doubts in him, he’d retort with accusations of broken faith. Not due to trust he violated but due to some fundamental flaw in my own faith mechanisms. When I finally accepted him for what he was, I realized that my faith mechanism in others wasn’t weak, it was too strong; built on blindness without regard to legitimate input from my experiences.

Thanks for the article. It touches home…not only in how exploiting faith was how I was hooked…but in his repetitive patterns with his other past, current and I’m certain future victims.

Namaste

Duped
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 8:25am
duped says:

Retract “blindness” in the second paragraph of my last post and replace with “hope”.

Faith and hope are symbiotic. They both depend on each other to survive.

It takes great strength to have hope….an attribute that a P/S is void of. This is something I believe some of them envy and why they exploit it. It’s a power they do not have. So, they try to take it from us or pollute it, vicariously making them feel powerful.
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 8:32am
OxDrover says:

Great Article Steve, and “faith” can be in so many things, from faith in ourselves to faith in our God, faith in the good of humanity, etc. Yes, they use our faith EVERYTHING to exploit us.
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 8:44am
Donna Andersen says:

My ex-husband thanked me for believing in him, while he was ripping me off.
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 10:04am
Elizabeth Conley says:

Churches are choice hunting territory for cluster Bs. The best thing to do is avoid the disordered members like the plague. Eventually they’ll exhibit enough of their true colors for the rest of the flock to figure it out.

If the cluster B commits an actual crime, report that crime directly to the civil authorities. Be prepared to leave the church. You’ll probably be driven out eventually, particularly if the cluster B suspects you’re on to him/her.
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 10:36am
anitasee says:

Bang on once again Dr. Steve. I think the concept of the exploitation of our “faith” can also be applied to the bigger sociopathic actors out here, the corporate sociopathic form, and politicians to boot. If the shoe fits…
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 10:59am
OxDrover says:

Dear EC,

Have missed you, glad you are still here! You are so right on. The cult leaders of some organizations are so scary! Remember that tony Alamo cult that I notified Donna about here in Arkansas? That guy is finally in prison but it took authorities years, almost a decade, to get him nailed down and convicted.

Many others are less newsworthy, but no less damaging to the people who are conned out of their money and their faith miss used.
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 11:10am
Cat says:

Steve, WOW! and thank you!
My ex Spath did care one way or the other what this did to me. He only cared in what he could get out of me, be it money, prestige. or a “fake faith”, as I’ve come to call it. He looked good and pretended to BE good, but it was all a cover.
The day came when I told him I had no faith in him at all; that he would forever be the liar and thief that he is and nothing would change that. His reaction was “hurt” and outrage. How could I be so cruel? I was the ONLY person who had ever believed in him and now I was taking that away from him. No mention here of what he had stolen from me.
Faith in oneself, God and others is paramount to living a good life. I had lost mine in all of this. When I finally reclaimed it, I saw him for what he really was. It was a “freedom” moment.
anitasee and duped…i agree completely.
I will read and re-read what you have written. It strikes a huge chord with me.
Hugs,
Cat
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 11:29am
ErinBrock says:

Steve:
Thanks for this contribution!
So very true…..
The S used to say to me…..You don’t trust me…..and I would respond…..NO….I don’t.

I never trusted him or ever had faith in him…..in 28 years…..but I did try to convince myself at times (like childbirth) that we were ‘partners’….he loved this…..
I wanted to trust him so badly, like all of us…..we were searching for the loving trusting relationship we could enjoy security with…….and have faith in.
But never did!
Thanks again Steve……
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 12:02pm
newlife08 says:

Steve,

Your article offers an explanation of two things he said repeatedly :

When asked by others how many times he thought he could leave our home and still be able to get back in the door he answered -

” Don’t worry . She loves me so much she will always take me back .”

He had such confidence that my faith in him was so strong I would continue to believe his lies.

When I asked him if he ever imagined how his life would be without me and how would feel if I never spoke to him again – he glibly said :

” I can’t imagine never talking to you again. We’ve been together 22 years. Why would you not talk to me ?
It will NEVER be over between us until one of us is dead !!!!”

I think even today, he likely believes I still would have enough faith in him and his words to BELIEVE and get his foot in the door without much effort.

As you say – with no thought of the pain he has wrought and the losses suffered. Obilvious !!!

Thanks, Steve – for the clear vision you give of what we are up against……
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 12:07pm
OxDrover says:

Dear Newlife,

I am so glad that you are seeing what he is all about—how narcissistic and entitled he must feel to think he will get back in again! I’m glad you are stronger and no longer blind to what he is! GOOD FOR YOU! Your post made me so glad for you! (((hugs))))
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 12:44pm
Elizabeth Conley says:

Dear OxDrover,

“The cult leaders of some organizations are so scary!”

Yep, they are. It seems like every other “Buy-bull Believin” pastor out there is striving to become the head of his church. A hand full have the talent and charisma to pull that off, the rest just lead small, bumbling toxic groups.

I don’t think leaders are the whole problem. From what I’ve seen there are a lot of bored cluster Bs who come to church after a dull workweek for a bit of excitement. They create all manner of highly dramatic scenes at church, because the financial fall-out from their zany church behavior is insignificant. Their spouse may have told them “No more cr@p! I mean it this time!” Their employer may not have much of a sense of humor either. The church, on the other hand, is obliged by the nature of the organization to be “understanding”.

I didn’t get real peace until I started to duck the Histrionics and Borderlines as well as the Sociopaths and Narcissists. The whole bunch of ‘em tend to “cluster” around each other anyway, (pun intended), so avoidance is simple.

A Borderline or Histrionic in her “sweet” persona can be so charming. You can usually detect them because they generally are complaining about a long list of ills and slights against them. Practically everyone has done them wrong! Major red flag there. She’ll be complaining about you next week, usually to the very people she’s telling you have wronged her! Amazingly, she’ll be believed. Her thespian skills are always top notch.

Just avoid the whole lot of cluster Bs. There are plenty of people who go to church for worship and respite. They’re not all fruit loops!
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 1:10pm
OxDrover says:

Dear EC,

Yea, I think you are right, and because the church has to be “forgiving” of those that “fall” they are perfect foils for the cluster Bs, you are soooo right.

The thing is though, churches didn’t use to put up with that cr@p, and would “disfellowship” someone who continued in that unrepentent behavior. Now, it seems that churches are social organizations which no longer sanction CONTINUED bad behavior, including GOSSIP, adultery, drunkeness, and trouble making. The Bible itself says that these should not be tolerated in the church membership, but I think if the “pastors” (supposedly shepherds to LEAD and PROTECT a “flock”) are too afraid of offending a financial contributor in sanctioning bad behavior or in trying to LEAD one of their flock away from bad behavior.

St. Paul didn’t seem afraid to confront this type of bad behavior or to preach against it, but on the other hand, he worked as a tent maker to support himself and didn’t take money from the churches or membership for his support. I don’t have any problem with a minister taking a salary, but I think too many times they curry the gossips and the cluster Bs (who just love this kind of currying by the mnister) rather than take a chance on the cluster Bs witholding contributions. Just my opinion.

But many organizations that have charitable purposes have this same kind of disruptive group of people, whether it is churches or candy stripers, there are always people who try to stir up DRAMA for their own pleasure and entertainment. Heck, many business organizations have employees that do the same thing, much to the frustration of other employees and the business itself.

It is difficult to stay out of the DRAMA no matter where you are or what organization you are involved with. I think it behooves us however, to do the best we can to avoid that DRAMA. Makes life so much more simple and peaceful when we do.
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 2:02pm
justabouthealed says:

Perfect again Steve!

Faith is a great word to use.

Thanks for qualifying that the sadistic ones WILL take pleasure in your heart. I saw that, very clearly. Yet, it was just frosting on the cake, even to a sadistic one. The main focus is truly what they get. Victims really don’t matter.

Even know, I sometimes have to shake myself. I will still automatically start to make excuses for the S/P/N/Bad-Man if I happen to let my mind drift to the past. It is just so frickin’ hard to keep in mind how DIFFERENT they are !

So many sentences in your post carry so much weight. I like the use of bold. That helps people “get it” …that you are not just careless using words, but using them very precisely and if you don’t pay attention to the precision, you miss much of the meaning.
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 5:56pm
justabouthealed says:

I meant take pleasure in your HURT!
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 7:33pm
lostingrief says:

ouch.
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 7:57pm
lostingrief says:

newlife: i was with ‘mine’ for over 20 years too. he would always say, ”no matter what happens, i know you’ll always be in my life.” i would tell him, ”uh, no, there are things you could do that would definitely make me never talk to you again.” i outlined them for him. he would ask sometimes, ”if i did _______________, would you leave me?”
then, in the end, he did EVERY SINGLE THING that i had told him would make me leave him. and i have never spoken to him again.
even though some of his last words to me (after i threw him out) were: ”i’ll ALWAYS have a vendetta against YOU!”, he could care less. he got everything and when he saw i was nearly dead, he played his last card.
new gf. new baby. new life.
strangely, i never thought he’d betray me on that level.
newlife: in pod-speak, they are all the same.
in survivor-speak …
WE WIN!
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 8:03pm
Steve Becker, LCSW says:

Mucho thanks for your feedback, all of you! So incredibly thoughtful!
Makes my day(s) to know what I’m writing means something to you. Thank you!
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 8:45pm
cutandrun says:

Yes yes yes to all of the above!

So many play the “religion” card for all it is worth. It’s particularly useful for gaslighting. How can you say that about me? I’m a Christian! or I’m a pastor!

My first experience with an S. they guy had me SO confused with his use of the word “love”, so blatantly manipulative yet it still took me SO long to see it, because of the faith I had in his “faith”.

Then, more recently, my battle with a Narcissistic pastor (before I learned about S/P/Ns) left me so weak I was a wide open target for the second S. Friends we had had for 17 years so easily turned their backs on us, in defense of him. He had his own “mafia”. They just circled the wagons.

Based on my first experience, I questioned the second one fairly often, and was met with “I would NEVER do that so someone I cared about.” And, “I will always love you.” Umm.. define love?

Faith no more! (in the wrong place)(and I can tell now)…
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 9:22pm
newlife08 says:

OXY –

Thanks so much for your kind thoughts . I have you, Donna and all those here to thank – especially Steve Becker, for removing my blinders and helping me to learn and grow stronger in spite of all my resistance and often malignant hope.

I had to learn to let love go and see the hopelessness in all the years I tried to love him into “healthy”.

The worst now is trying to get a divorce settled and watching him manipulate my kids.

NOW he wants to be a good dad, NOW he wants to cut a Christmas tree, Now he gets my daughter a laptop , Now he wants to cook dinner and take them to lunch……………..

and they are so happy that NOW he is finally doing more…..even though it is all still at his convenience.

I know he will disappoint them over and over again and it hurts me to watch them take crumbs – just like I did.
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 10:44pm
OxDrover says:

Dear newlife,

You are starting a NEW LIFE, and it will be stronger and better and happier than the fantasy and hell you lived in before. I know you hurt for your kids, but unfortunately, they have to see this for themselves…and it does hurt, but at the same time, just as this will eventually make you a stronger and better and happier person (I think I am seeing evidence of that arleady) they will have to go through their own walk with him, and their own discovery and own pain, but at the same time, if you protect your kids from every hurtful thing, they would never learn to walk–they might not have bumped their heads, but they wouldn’t be walking and then running. This experience with their sperm donor can make them stronger and wiser too, even if a bit sadder. Keep your faith in yourself and faith in the kids you are raising. I hope that they come through this as well as you, and that they will learn from this that not everyone who claims to love you is reliable.

((((hugs))) for you and your kids, and always my prayers and for everyone here to reach peace and joy!
(Report abusive comment)

Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 11:22pm
amber says:

Steve,
Thank you for this article. It is very timely for me. Right now I’m having a hard time with understanding why someone would be so calculated and take advantage on purpose. (I know the answer, but I still don’t like it or want to accept it.) My ex would go out of his way to prove his devotion to me because he knew I didn’t trust him. He would make up stories that tried to prove his love which would allow him to sink his teeth in a little bit further. How could I resist a man that would stop at nothing to prove how commited he was?!?! I now know that most of those stories came AFTER he betrayed me. He would over compensate and tell me things to ensure that I would swoon over his stories or acts of devotion so that I would not question his actions. The last time he tried to make my faith in him stronger, he called me from Jamaica while he was at his parent’s new vacation home. He called to tell me that he had done something that he wanted me to know about. He told me that he came clean to his dad and told his dad allllll about me. How much he loved me and knew that his relationship with his wife wasn’t what he wanted. How amazing I was to him and how much he wanted to be with me. Said he showed his dad pictures of me and on and on and on. To him, this should have proved the ultimate devotion and love for me. Telling his own father that he was cheating on his wife and kids because he loved me so much?!?!?! Well, 2 months later now, come to find out he was in the Domican Republic with the new victim, not with his dad in Jamaica. He somehow snuck away long enough to get a phone call in while he was on vacation with the new girl..lol. His story was only a ploy to divert my thoughts. So calculated. He did things like this all the time to make me believe his love for me was real. I now know it wasn’t. I feel that I was a form of entertainment for him. It was all about him. His stories were only attempts to Trying to look like the good guy. Trying to cover his tracks so I wouldn’t suspect him of wrong doing. So this article helps. I know I just have to accept that this is how they function.
I talked to a dear male friend of mine the other night. I had introduced my ex and him years ago, and they hit it off and since, have become friends. It’s damaged my friendship with him without question. I don’t feel comfortable hanging out with him now. But we spoke honestly about the situation between my ex and me, and he said that my ex and him have had several conversaitions. He said that my ex said he feels TERRIBLE for what he’s done. He NEVER wanted to hurt me. He CARES about me so much and just feels HORRIBLE. And I told my friend he could believe that if he wanted to, but this was just another attempt to do damage control. To keep try and come off as a sorrowful and apologetic being. The only thing that he feels terrible about is the fact that he got caught. I told my friend, someone that is as calculated as he is, doens’t mean what they say. It’s only a story. A story to create an image that he wants everyone to believe, but his actions speak louder than his words. And someone that INTENTIONALLY does what he did and lies to cover it, doesn’t feel bad, doesn’t mean NOT to hurt. And the pathetic attempt to make his friends believe that he feels bad is just another lie. Just more lies to cover the others.
I have always wanted to believe in the good in others. Believe that people are naturally inclined to do the right thing. I now know this is not true. He made me realize this. So I will take that from this situation and apply it to the rest of my life. I will continue to have faith in people, but that faith will come with extreme caution. I will have faith only after you have proven that you really deserve it. Thanks again for this article.
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Thursday, 3 December 2009 @ 11:48pm
Cat says:

Amber, I get where you are coming from.
It’s a mess and a muddle to figure out what is true and what is not. My position today is that I trust no one until they have proven themselves. Guilty until proven innocent, I guess you could say.
When I met my ex P., he was the knight in shining armor. I had moved to a big city, had little money and was looking for a place to live in. He had a job, a house he was sharing with someone else and was going to school. He LOOKED like he was the whole package. He was attentive beyond belief. He called my mother and talked her into sending the money for me to rent an apartment. Because he loved me so much, he moved in within the first week and couldn’t stand to be away from me that long. He called constantly to tell me how much he loved me. I, in my need to have someone in my life (I had been alone for a long time), bought this lock, stock and barrel. I overlooked SO much!
I see now that he was attracted to my beliefs. I had faith the whole world was infinitely good. I didn’t believe evil could exist. I believed everything that happened would have a good outcome.
Here’s the real story: he moved in with me because he was temporarily renting a room and was being told to get out. He only had a job and was going to school to look good because he was on probation for theft. He was also still married and there was a divorce in the works. I lost the friends I had because started screening calls, not telling me when someone called. There were a couple he just plain told NOT to call at all. He allowed everyone to think HE had put the money down for the apartment. When I approached him about this, he agreed with me and said that he would make it right. It never happened. He called me 5-6 times a day to make sure I was where I was meant to be. He thought MY alimony check belonged to him as well. He was a master at using time as a tool to get what he wanted. I had started working, I had started my own business and soon was making a lot of money. Yes, you really can start a business on nothing. He LIKED that money so much, he gradually stopped working. He went back to drugs, which I didn’t know about for a long time. I have never done drugs, so I’m clueless as to what to look for and he counted on that. Red flags? Oh yeah! Should have had a clue when we flew back to meet his family(I paid for the tickets) and found out his family nickname was “Nixon”. I made him look GOOD in the eyes of those who had thought he was not. Even the biggest skeptics thought he had changed. He had not and never will. He looked solid and respectable. He wasn’t. His life prior to meeting me was full of drugs and criminal activity. When I fell during pregnancy with our son, he never bothered to show up for 4 hours. He was in class when I called him. He finished class and went out for something to eat, THEN showed up at the hospital.
In all of this, over the years, my faith rotted away, a bit at a time. It got to the point where I didn’t have my own mind anymore. He used my mind like it was play dough. It didn’t matter what was said, it was always turned around. He used the FOG and the gaslighting and everything else I’ve learned about here on LF. I just never was able to put a NAME to those these behaviors. I’ve heard it said that the best mask Satan can wear is that of God himself. I met that person, I lived with that person. It took me years of bargaining, trying to change him, constantly catching him in lies, allowing myself to be cheated on and all the rest until I finally GOT IT.
As I write this, I am starting to feel pretty stupid again. I look back now and shake my head. Those that I trust are few. I DO trust this site and everyone on it. I trust what is written here because here, I have had so much help in so many ways. I wear a new pair of glasses today. I see it all so much more clearly and yet, I have so much healing ahead of me and that’s OK.
THIS is something I want to go back to? Not now, not ever.
Steve and all the rest, thank you.
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Friday, 4 December 2009 @ 10:01am
huytongirl says:

Always doing thoughtful little things for people, he was… the trouble is that now I am absolutely jaundiced. You opened a door for me? What’s your little game, eh? Buy me a coffee? No thanks, sociopath! I had immense trouble trusting people before this, and I don’t know what on earth I’ll do now.
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Friday, 4 December 2009 @ 4:34pm
OxDrover says:

Dear Huyton girl,

Y0u take it slow and easy and start to TRUST YOURSELF again to use good judgment about WHO to trust, and keep you safe. I think the worst thing we lose is our ability to trust ourselves to pick out safe people (or unsafe as the case may be). I am only now lerning to TRUST MYSELF AGAIN, and others must earn the trust I extend to them, and no second chances on lies, theft, illegal or immoral behavior. One strike and you are out.
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Friday, 4 December 2009 @ 4:44pm
justabouthealed says:

Steve, maybe just title this this Sociopaths Exploit! This is such a great article, but maybe those hurt by love think from the title it has something to do with religion. Though FAITH is the perfect word to use! And don’t change a word in the article! But I hate to think some will never read this because they think it is about religious exploitation from just the title???? It is one of best articles on here!
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Friday, 4 December 2009 @ 6:24pm
justabouthealed says:

Or title it Sociopaths exploiting your faith in them
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Friday, 4 December 2009 @ 6:26pm
Steve Becker, LCSW says:

thank you JustAboutHealed!….your point, about the title, is very well taken. And thanks so much for your prior, generous feedback on this, and recent, articles.
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Friday, 4 December 2009 @ 6:47pm
teacher123 says:

That is exactly what they do! This article explains a lot about their behavior. I told my friend so much so several times like I may have misjudged her character, and that it was no easy thing to deceive me because I am easy to do that to. I guess it is the same with predators- they don’t care if the prey is easy- they like it perhaps even more than having to work to devour someone/thing. I would not have liked her at all had it not been for constant affirming (or illusion thereof) of her liking me. It is just like Lucy holding the ball for Charlie Brown and proclaiming that it is ok to kick it this time- only for her to pull the ball away at the last minute. I love the Peanuts comic strip. She was the one who invited him to kick the ball in the first place- he would probably been just as happy to play baseball- even though that didn’t work out well either.
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Friday, 4 December 2009 @ 6:49pm
slimone says:

Steve,

Thank-you, once again. These articles of yours…..they are SO affirming and big picture. They are medicine for my soul.

I heard the ‘I have never felt so seen and heard and safe’ from the sociopath. This meant to me that I was also safe to feel that way….because his saying it gave the impression that he understood how important it is for all of us. This contributed in my having ‘faith’ in his ability to reciprocate with behaviors that would foster safety and intimacy.

It is all a con. They have no idea the meaning, only the effect on the target.
Slim
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Friday, 4 December 2009 @ 6:55pm
Rosa says:

JustAboutHealed:

What if the article was titled “Sexploitation”?
Do you get it?
If you combine the word ’sociopath’ with ‘exploitation’, you get “SEXPLOITATION”.

Being exploited by a sociopath is “sexploitation”, and there is ALWAYS sex involved when dealing with the sociopath.
So, having the word “sex” in there may also be appropriate.

Hence, the word, “sexploitation”.
I don’t know, I sort of like it.
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Friday, 4 December 2009 @ 7:28pm
Rosa says:

Oops. “Sexploitation” is already a word.
Never mind.
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Friday, 4 December 2009 @ 7:52pm
OxDrover says:

Teacher,

I also love the Peanuts cartoons and I do think Lucy is a psychopath! She plays Charlie Brown like a violin! LOL And loves it when she fools him and drags him back into her game and humiliates him. good analogy.
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Friday, 4 December 2009 @ 8:25pm
henry says:

I have been ’single’ 18 months, the few encounters I have had with other men since then have been via internet. Bad outcome. So I am going out tonite. This is a big thing for me. But I have to get out as I am isolating myself again and falling into a depression.
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Friday, 4 December 2009 @ 9:15pm
nic says:

Great article! It brought back some unpleasant memories. My ex-S had me thinking I was straight crazy. He would always say, “you don’t remember I told you….” Of course he never told me.

I also will never forget when I started having strong suspicions of him cheating he gave me a lecture two months before he left me. He said, “I can’t believe you. You think I am out here F***ing around and I am out here working hard for our family.” So then I find out months later he actually had a baby!!! There is so much of that of how he tried to turn it around on me.

This morning going to work I was just thinking about all of the craziness he has put me through since I met him in 2003. I have taken his craziness for 6 years. I have had enough!
(Report abusive comment)

Saturday, 5 December 2009 @ 12:39am
henry says:

That was a waste of gas…
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Saturday, 5 December 2009 @ 1:49am
teacher123 says:

I found support for the statement in the article about the sociopath’s audacity to repeat the cycle of betraying the faith in others in a Warren Zevon song called “For my next trick I’ll need a volunteer”. Here it goes.
I can saw a woman in two
But you won’t want to look in the box when I do
I can make love disappear
For my next trick I’ll need a volunteer

I can pull a rabbit out of a hat
I can pull it out but I can’t put it back
I can make love disappear
For my next trick I’ll need a volunteer

It’s lonely up here
When the tricks have been played
And the spotlights have faded
And the plans that we made
Have fallen apart
It’s lonely as hell
And there’s no magic spell
For a broken heart

You can put me in chains and I will escape
Better not wait up ’cause I might be late
I can make love disappear
For my next trick I’ll need a volunteer
Lovefrauds/magicians/losers
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Saturday, 5 December 2009 @ 8:36am
libelle says:

Dear Steve, thank you for the very enlightening article! As I stated in the other blog, X is again trying to prove my faith/trust/helpfulness. Your entries are my personal “Garlic” to insulate my soul from X’s attempts! Thanks!!!

Dear Henry, I am so glad for you that you did not lower your standards to “amortize” the gas-price ! LOL. But I am with you, and it is hard going out fighting depression.

One has to kiss many frogs to find a prince! I am also very unlucky in this department at the moment.

My future business partner postponed the date to tomorrow, and so I will roam the shops and get me some hot chocolate. I am so glad you all are here! Thanks!
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Saturday, 5 December 2009 @ 8:41am
teacher123 says:

The last line was mine. I guess also that is why they need Lawyers Guns and Money just like another of W.Zevon’s songs which is an oldie but goodie.
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Saturday, 5 December 2009 @ 8:41am
Cat says:

Henry, at least you got of the house and are conscious of what you need to do to take care of yourself. That’s something I have to work on some days. When I DO get out and do something, I find that I get out of myself. That depression is a sneaky thing.

libelle, I’m going with the garlic! Love that as I call my ex Spath a spiritual vampire.
I’ve read this several times now, Steve, and each time I come away with something new. Thanks for nailing this one as you did. It is so right on!
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Saturday, 5 December 2009 @ 9:36am
one_step_at_a_time says:

henry,

I HEAR you; how many times have i said that! I don’t know where you have to go to go out, but the town i am in has nothing for gay folk. NADA. I go to the occasional dance at the uni. and more often than not, I am saying the same thing.

One reason I have gone on the internet in the last few years – it is hard to even find people. I am not 20 or 30 or even 40 and I live in a university town.

the women hanging out at the women’s center are all still wearing rat tails and birks (apologies to the birks’ lovers out there), and their politics haven’t evolved for 20 years. I do not like to go dancing to music that beats faster than my heart rate, nor am i interested in pool and sports as avocations. I have just ruled out a large swath of the population.

my general level of starvation for queer company makes me a target. oh, this just sucks.

one step
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Saturday, 5 December 2009 @ 11:26am
henry says:

One Step – I also live close to a university town. I am way out in the stick’s in the country. I love my solitude and tranquility of country life but it does get lonely after spending all my time alone. So like last nite I forced myself to drive to the next biggest city with some queer folks. I was very turned off by the people walking around and sitting at the bars with their cell phones, texting etc. If someone has to text while having a conversation with me, I would just walk away from them. I feel like a dinasour in todays technology. However it was good to get out, and I didnt see him, so that was good.
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Saturday, 5 December 2009 @ 11:42am
one_step_at_a_time says:

slimone,
“I heard the ‘I have never felt so seen and heard and safe’ from the sociopath. This meant to me that I was also safe to feel that way….because his saying it gave the impression that he understood how important it is for all of us.”

BINGO!

i am just starting to look at what ‘he’ / she said to me around seeing and being seen, and safety.

safety: ‘he’ was going to help me financially. THIS i feel stooopid for. I think only this. Everything else that i gave her access to i can own. by this i mean, i thought i was loved, so i gave. and what i gave in terms of revealing myself was given in love. so i won’t feel stoopid about it. I didn’t realize that it was being stolen. but i didn’t lose it either. it is still me, regardless.

what has been deeply affected is how i deal with people in general and the other unsafety in my life. i am highly suspicious now. and questioning people’s motivation. when i see their dubious behavior it is magnified. I have had to bite my tongue (or rather, grind my teeth) on a few occasions with a friend lately, have been less than gracious about a committee member I work with (she is a piece of work, but I can usually handle her) and have really gone into battle mode re my bully landlord and neighbor . fight fight fight. i wish i had a van, cause then i’d flight flight flight.

A friend lent me her car last night. I got a lot done, and early this am, too. resources. sigh. I am THE resourceful girl. I can figure something from almost nothing. right now, ahhhh.

I asked a friend if she would take my boot to get it fixed (the only cobbler is outside the town and i have no wheels) the cobbler is right beside the store she works in. I only have those boots. No shoes. I took them to her early in the week and today when i had the car i drove out there to pick it up – not there. um dude, you know my situation.

she had a long story. she left it in her dad’s car. she said she’d go to the second hand and buy me boots? WTF.? “NO, you have your dad bring the boot to the store today.”

she wrote me back and said she was going to go get it and be late for work and….blah blah. I said ‘thanks.’ she is studying to be a social worker. god help us.

one step
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Saturday, 5 December 2009 @ 11:49am
LouiseGolem says:

Aaaaah, I met my ex- on the internet. An internet dating site.

Yeah, I am very cautious about those things these days. He wrote to me yesterday and told me he paid the site again so he could go back on line and read our early exchanges. Yeah, right — I think he’s trolling for prey again. I know exactly what he’s looking for now too – relatively well off women in their late 40’s, early 50’s, blonde, either with kids or without. I think he likes the “milfs” because he likes to flirt with their daughters. If they’re of a legal age, he’ll do more than flirt with ‘em.

I didn’t have a daughter, so he was constantly asking me to invite my girlfriends to go places with us. The younger, the better.

Beware the internet (she says as she writes on a blog.) You never really know who you’re writing to. Hell, I even am cautious about what I write here — maybe he’s reading this.
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Saturday, 5 December 2009 @ 12:06pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

louisegolem: I am careful here, also.

LOL re the blog – I shut mine down so that only my ‘friends’ could read it after ‘he’died’ (didn’t die, didn’t exist. scammed). Then I got scared that since he had been a ‘friend’, maybe he could still access it somehow.

So, I ended up closing it to everyone but me, AND I STILL DON’T FEEL SAFE TO BLOG THERE! There was a group of us (me, 2? real people and a bunch of sock puppets) who used to blog together and write comments on each other’s blogs. I REALLY like it. I like the play and interaction, words and pictures (They WERE terribly humorous socks).

AND i would never have found out who my spath really was unless one of her former dupees wasn’t keeping a blog. So, I have to say, I am blog positive. And I see that so much has been cut off for me, through this mess. erghhh, isolation sucks.

that said, a friend offered to take me to see another friend’s band tonight. VERY happy about that. real peeps.

but ya know i also really like peeps on the net, through words. i love words and writing and reading other’s writing. and that is another way that i was targeted. hmmm.

ty for the blog comment – got me off on a riff and helped me see a loss from another angle.

best,
one step
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Saturday, 5 December 2009 @ 12:19pm
LouiseGolem says:

yeah, I understand, One Step.
As you can see, I love doing those words, too, and you should see my computer set up. I do find the internet to be quite addictive!
I guess I’m so close to the break-up still, and very very cautious. I just can’t imagine myself going out with the hopes of meeting someone right now — my paranoia and fear would probably make me utterly unattractive, anyway.

Let’s just say I’m mending. My cats are great company. And my family and dear friends. . . .
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Saturday, 5 December 2009 @ 12:24pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

When I first saw the title of this blog enrty I thought it refered to spaths exploiting religious or spiritual faith. I will speak to THAT, because it is part of my experience.

my spath had a line about ‘his’/her spirituality that ended up being one of the ways I identified her for real. ha!

one of the sock puppets came at me very pious and trying to mess me about vis a vis relgion and spirituality. what i think she failed to realize is that me ex N gf did SUCH a good job messing me about in that way that i am now innoculated. ha, again!

and the spath spit re spirit-uality was VERY EASY for me to read as WHACKO and is one of the things that made it VERY clear that I was dealing with CRAZY.

now, that said, N ex gf DID mess with my practiced religion. She set herself up as the ‘one who knew’. And it did effect me, and i am not over that. I have much to do around that. I basically dumped my practice in response. I had always had doubts and questions that were not being adequately answered, and was very upfront about that – so I was vulnerable to being twisted up about it.

One time we were rushing to get to a service and she was bullying the cab driver to get there faster. OH, SOOO WRONG.

one step
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Saturday, 5 December 2009 @ 12:29pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

from spath and sock puppets, ‘his’ list of characteristics that were repeated OVER and OVER that were repeated to engender trust and a non threatening character:

kind
guileless
couldn’t lie to save his life
submissive
empathetic
victimized: abused, used
prey
stalked
unable to protect himself
physically weak
physically small
unable to say no
dying (riiiight!)
(his prognosis was 5 years max…so the idea is that you can be kept on the line for 5 years? or left and come back to? urgency, for sure – do it now, cause he is gonna DIIIIIE)
noble
rises above it all
want soooo muchto to spend time with you, but i just keep dyyyying/ others make it difficult
‘others’ say it’s only a fantasy, but this thing with you and me, it’s REAL

I will write a list of manipulations sometime too.

fk
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Saturday, 5 December 2009 @ 2:46pm
Cat says:

one step, love this list. heard them all as well. over and over and over. i especially like the last one…it really WAS a fantasy, but in my ex Spath’s eyes, this was his reality. Ick.
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Sunday, 6 December 2009 @ 12:14pm
Cat says:

one step, mine was supposedly “debilitated” by and injury and also has severe diabetes. well, i’ve watched him lift 20 lb boxes and he eats sugar like it’s going out of style. the “i’m gonna die” thing doesn’t fly with me at all.
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Sunday, 6 December 2009 @ 12:33pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

Cat,

MINE had diabetes too!

now, if they only WOULD die.

it’s ‘only a fantasy’ came up near the end. his bf sock puppet used to say, ‘oh i don’t think you can have a meaningful relationship with someone who you have never met, or have only known 6 months’…and then ‘he’ and I would protest. ‘He’ was always ‘open as a book’ (one i forgot to add to the list that came roaming u[ to the surface last night when I was walking) and making excuses for the sock puppet bf and saying he just doesn’t understand…blah blah blah.

then after ‘he’ died I had a lot of contact with the sockpuppet bf – who went back to the website where we had all hung out. ‘He would say that EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET IS A FANTASY. and there i was, still protesting.

When ‘he’ resurrected and called me about 6 weeks after dying, I asked, ‘what about all those people you lied to’? (btw ‘he’ wasn’t copping to it – he had been ‘comatose’ had no idea what had been going on, his now dangerous bf was keeping him from people, blah blah)

And his response was, ‘who’? NONE of us mattered.

and ‘he’ loved eat ice cream and donuts. the spath probably IS diabetic; she is very overweight, so for there to be blood sugar problems wouldn’t be surprising.

one step
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Sunday, 6 December 2009 @ 1:02pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

i have been thinking about how much control my spath must have felt – me trying SO hard to help out and relay information to the bf that would help dying and psychologically falling apart boy.

all those phone calls and emails flying back and forth. trauma. again and again.

and all there REALLY was, was a ONE person sitting at a computer orchestrating it and responding to it. god, I wish the rest of my life was okay enough that i could focus on this healing.

thinking about the time the bf railed up against me – started out small. inconsequential. fist he was nice. then there were bits and then there was, his becoming fatigued as a caregiver, etc. i rearely pushed against ‘my boy’ – I know this was the case with one of her other dupees. But i did push agaisnt the bf at times, and he would flare and flame when i didn’t accept some aspect of the story being woven.

so i continue to weave all this together – or as i am getting really fond of saying, ’stuff all the sox in the same big shoe’ (‘my boy’ used to say that he felt like he had a big shoe hanging over his head); understanding at deeper and broader levels the nature of the deception and what it means to me and has left me with.

i think when people say ‘let them rot in hell’ that it may mean that we hope they are left alone and forsaken, cut off from love and companionship. I have mixed feelings about my spath – and it is VERY clear that she was in a big game – what i keep running into is feeling ‘he’ is part of her. ‘He’ is not, ‘he’ is a composite of me and the other’s she has fucked over, and enough glue of her to hold it together. ‘He’ WAS real to me. OH, and THAT was another contention, that just because you coulnd’ google him doesn’t mean he didn’t exist (bless all those who challenged ‘him’)

okay, enough.

one step
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Sunday, 6 December 2009 @ 1:23pm
Cat says:

Oh, that open book! Mine was all fiction, changing day by day to whatever fit his purposes the best. That’s a good one to add.
Coma? Resurrected? Uh huh. But at least you saw through it all. Some would fall for it and at one time, I most likely would have.
No, NO ONE matters to them. When I got that part, I got the full picture.
My ex is an insulin dependent diabetic who is slowly, but surely, killing himself. Between the sugar and the drugs, his body is slowly dying. I know it sounds cold, but I honestly don’t care anymore. He used this so much as a reason for his behavior, he wore it out.
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Sunday, 6 December 2009 @ 1:28pm
Cat says:

one step, yeah, we could go on forever too much energy to spend on them.
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Sunday, 6 December 2009 @ 1:30pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

Henry,
didn’t know that your spath was in your neighbourhood. harder in the small circles we tend to move in.

I went out last night also, and others found me to be quite witty. Had no idea. I am so messed over I never know how i will be. But i was with a couple of close friends and a few acquaintances.

in the last month one friend and i meet at a coffee shop once a week and play scrabble. I quite like it. I also always win which is good for my competitive streak – hey i can’t compete in the job or housing market here, but i damn well win at scrabble. so we met last night to play scrabble then we met up with some friends to listen to some okay jazz- I LOVE music and esp. jazz. one friend got me in for free and bought me a drink, so i didn’t have any anxiety about the money.

I was there about 2 hours and the air intake system started pumping cig smoke in. sigh. I had to flee when it didn’t abate.

not perfect, but good.

all best,

one step
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Sunday, 6 December 2009 @ 1:32pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

Cat,
I need to keep orienting myself to ‘not real, didn’t exist’ again and again. it IS so sad.

when she called (the resurrection) for the first time I got to watch her work with the info I was feeding back to her (i challenged him about everything, got some of it right, some of it wrong, an dnow i realize some of it more right than i knew at the time) and shape a new story she thought i (and possibly others) might accept.

when she was caught out by another in the past she disputed the length of time of the fraud, NOT the fraud. And when i went on the website and said that the bf never died cause he never existed she never once said, ‘of course he died’. only how mean i was (freaking anonymously tyvm) to ‘piss on his memory’.

after RD (resurrection day) one of the sock puppets wrote me an email and threatened me, and another railed for about a week about sock puppets and people not desrerving the ‘light ‘ (me of ‘him’, and threanted to cut me, blah blah blah. this would be sock puppet # 5, the bitchy queen. sigh. said almost all the things i said to him, EXCEPT that I thought ‘he’ was a spath. THAT never made it to print.

going out for a walk now.

one step, two
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Sunday, 6 December 2009 @ 1:44pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

oops, realize that the last post made it look like i threatened him with physical harm; i didn’t. I just talked aobut ‘death bloggers’ and sock puppets and that I was looking for ‘him’. sleuthing.
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Sunday, 6 December 2009 @ 1:48pm
henry says:

onestep – I live about 35 miles from where he is. I have not seen or spoke to him in over a year. Last I heard anything about him was from someone else that I really dont know well. I drove to his place of work one nite too see if his vehicle was in the parking lot about a year ago. It was. And that upset me. I have been thinking about doing that again. When I hear something on the local news like ” Body found behind Bar” I wonder if it was him. He is gone..history…wont ever see him again.. so many of you talk about your x still coming around, doing spiteful things etc. I almost wish he would. I cant answer why I want that, as I would ignore him. Too give him one second of recognition would make his day. Too give him one second of time too talk to me would be dangerous. So it is best I never see him again.
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Sunday, 6 December 2009 @ 8:21pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

Henry – nostalgia is what is coming up for me re contact with the spath.

There is sadness. There is loss. I hope sometime that I have the calm in my life that i can really dig deep and heal what it is that caught me this time (and with my N gf.)

In an odd way it IS a gift to me. I have to uproot this hook that she latched on to.

My situation – in case it is still terribly confusing – is one of being duped on the net and on phone by a woman posing as a young guy and an array of sock puppets – his friends and family. So ‘he’ doesn’t even EXIST. Perhaps ‘his’ not being who he pretended to be is more literal than a ‘real life’ experience, and in some way easier – and in other’s not.

I just found out that the bf of one of my neighbors’ works with sex offenders, etc. at a prison. I have asked her to ask him (I have met him many times and liked him) if he will take some time to talk to me. Love fraud is good, but I don’t feel wholly comfortable here – I keep fearing she’ll find me here, and anytime I see something that is like something she would write then I get nervous – just words even. I am being triggered.

And then there is a desire for a bit of control…to have the op. to see them and reject them.

I know people here advise NC and it makes sense. (Of course here’s my caveat ) i have a lot of revenge fantasies. Sometimes I don’t even see them coming and I am caught up I them.

Her dupe who has gone public and is suing her for fraud has asked me to direct her to the website where I met her. And I freaked right the F**k out. Nuh uh. I don’t know this woman personally and i have no idea what she plans to do – thing is, one should ask, right? And old one step would. New one step just didn’t respond. The other woman needs to build trust and cred. with me first. I almost regret responding to her blog – but when I found it I just flipped out and said, ‘omg I have just found the person who duped me!’

And then I took some time verifying things – like a newspaper article and the lawsuit. It doesn’t change things though; so she was duped, too. But it doesn’t mean I can trust her. Arggh.
I have some conflict. Some parts of me want one thing, and others want something else. And as much as I just want it all over now, I need to go very slowly. And THAT is not my usual way, especially if something is causing me anxiety.

Some of the reading I have done here today spoke to the role of anxiety in attachment, and in the spath con. Mine is through the roof. I fee really lost inside myself – like there is a big barrier between me and others, feel unloved, or maybe more to the point, unlovable. But I guess there is a reason for that; someone pretended to care for and about me for months and it was just a game of cat and mouse. How callous. How demeaning to an ordinary person.

Pretty much I don’t get caught up in ascribing ordinary human emotions, etc. to the spath. I get that they are NOT normal. I get that. Something that I am sure would cause me no end of internal grief would not even cross her mind as being wrong.

I am coming to understand ‘how’ and ‘why me’ by reading. Now I need to break the strangle hold of the anxiety and the shame left from being demeaned. I still have a lot to ‘put my finger on’…so much I don’t yet understand.

I am not sure what to do with some of how I feel and what I want at times. I get glee from knowing she is being prosecuted. Funny ‘he’ brought out the best in me, and she has brought out the worst.

I feel both ashamed of my desire to hurt her, and understand it as both protective and vengeful. And want to know, really know how to proceed – and not do something because I have been a freaking nice girl and should do this or that. I have been through 12 step, a decade of Buddhism, etc. But I want to know, beyond pedagogy, what I REALLY NEED to do. And I have to give myself permission to be erratic, and change my mind and try on the coat and take it off.

I don’t know, I just don’t – there are lots of systems that could guide me – and not one of them makes space for seeking justice for the violation I feel. (I may have to take to reading the old testament).

I am struggling just to survive re housing and work and I HAVE to focus there, but this other stuff will not go away – I have to deal with it. But there are choices. And some eat more energy than others. I need to come to what my guiding principles are with this one. I don’t want to be harmed by my choices. I need to look myself in the mirror, over the short and long term. AND not just hold o to old ideas of relating – no one has ever done anything quite so despicable to me and perhaps it warrants special responses? Dunno yet. Part of me wants it to. There is something about the rage I feel that I don’t like – there is anxiety in it. I don’t want to live there. If I could be vengeful and not feel anxiety …….I truly don’t know yet.

I think that I am in such a hellish situation that fixating on this helps to distract me. ‘He’ always did. And I know that I recoil, literally from things I would have been doing even 2 weeks ago. I don’t want to ‘live’ in that place. I think I have been running on high adrenaline for so long that it is hard to get off the wheel.

I feel I can trust no one right now. No one. Oy.

Thanks for listening.

One step
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Sunday, 6 December 2009 @ 10:41pm
henry says:

one step – you wrote ” I have too uproot this hook she latched on to.” Yes I understnd and that is the life lesson we have to examine at this point. I was so humiliated and embarrassed and ashamed that I believed this guy. Of course he was here in the flesh for three years. We planned a future together. We slept together. What haunts me is I knew from the beginning he didnt love me. I could feel it, see it, smell it but when it said ‘I love you’ I wanted to believe. I thot maybe it is me that cant love or accept love. Still I think of the obvious moment’s of his deception and ask myself WHY did I hang on to the lie? Was I so desperate? Unlovable. Each minute I gave him the deeper he sank that hook into my longing for it too be true. He consumed my identity. And twisted my mind around to his way of seeing things. But that gut instinct was always there, I knew I was in danger and I didnt like it and I didnt know what to do. He played my emotions until I was an empty shell and there was no more fun in it for him. I looked at him like the evil he was and just sat there waiting for him to do more harm. I lost so much respect for myself. But I did make him leave after many break ups and make ups, I realized even if I think I love him and even tho he says he loves me, he has to go and I will deal with what ever comes afterwards. So here we are OneStep – this is the lesson and we must uproot it all. I have been at it for 18 months. I do see where this relationship was a pivotal point in my life. And I have more understanding about me than ever before. So you are on the right road One Step – the road to self discovery….
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Sunday, 6 December 2009 @ 11:34pm
sotired says:

Henry, your post resonates.
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Sunday, 6 December 2009 @ 11:45pm
Clovis50 says:

I am so in tune with what is said here. My s/p meeting started with his famiily introducing us and he would use terms like I know God must have put you in my life. He went to church twice with me and then started makingi excuses and sometimes fun of my beliefs. I would not have sex without marriage and so we married, only for him to discard me 4 months later. He ignored my calls and texts which of course as those who have been in this situation, totally baffles you and you start thinking, what did I do? I have come to find out later the whole time we were married, he had a my space site and a facebook site, promoting himself as single and making
over 75,000 ayear when in fact he lives in a shabby house with bills piled up to the ceiling that he has not even bothered to open and eats out of a crock pot 3 times a week, because as I found out later, he owes money everywhere! Trolling the internet for willing victims seems to be his agenda, although that is not how we met, his sister introduced us, and now find out she did it hoping I would be his savior. What a heart break this has been, a violation of my faith, a violation of my self esteem and heart. I have read most of these stories and i am here to say no contact is the key. The way that I did it is I took my friends advice and said “he is dead”-so you can’t email, text or call a dead person, a dead person can’t hurt you and a dead person doesnt require my buying groceries and my worry. I am on hinges waiting on the divorce to be final this week. I hope once this is done, I can begin to heal.
I have had to take medication just to go to work…he has done damage to my soul and my psyche and can only hope that I will heal someday…he literally almost destroyed me with this games, paying attention to me one day and ignoring me for days. these s/p are pure evil and hit you from every aspect. I am glad to get out early and say to those out there, keep faith in your fellow man, but use caution with your heart.
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Monday, 7 December 2009 @ 6:09am
Cat says:

one step, I hear you on the “real” not being real at all. I kept looking for a “sign” somewhere for a very long time that my ex was really a caring, loving human being. He wasn’t, he’s not and the only time he will be is when it serves his purposes. That is MY reality today and sometimes it sucks, but once my eyes were opened, they couldn’t be shut again. My dreams went down the toilet, my bank account was in the red, my heart was splintered and my psyche and soul were splintered. And I LIVED. That’s the one thing that keeps me going when I get nostalgic, as you and henry have talked about on here. When I first came out of my “Spath coma”, it was hard and one step, I understand that need for vindication. One of the things I wanted was for the whole world to finally see what I saw in this person. That didn’t happen. In your case, you have some solid, concrete evidence and that makes yours a bit different from my story.
henry, uproot it all? YES. For me, at least, it has to be all or nothing. For me, that’s a total, complete cleansing of my life, my soul, my mind, my heart.
one step, I understood what you were talking about in your post. Both you and Henry have been very kind to me as a newbie on here and I thank you for that.
Clovis50, I like your post. I have been there and done that. I’m sorry this week is so hard for you. I’m a newbie at this and my healing is in the first stages, but I know this site has helped me make huge leaps where I was once taking small steps.
Sending you prayers and hugs-Cat
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Monday, 7 December 2009 @ 11:22am
one_step_at_a_time says:

cat, I am a newbie here, also; let’s do the newbie dance! there is a song that goes with it and it starts: ‘my life is a mess and i can’t close my eyes again, even to sleep…’ the chorus is sung by a greek chorus of angles and debtors: ‘it sucks, it suckc’

totally dig this, YAY! :
“For me, that’s a total, complete cleansing of my life, my soul, my mind, my heart.” I like how clear, concise and promising it is.

I am struggling with the fact that those still active with the spath don’t know and I know that she has been feeding them shit about me cause they take pot shots. Now, this ONLY MATTERS IF ‘HE’ IS REAL, AND HE IS NOT. But there is a bind there – a part of me who feels so damaged by ‘ oh so and so deserves love and YOU”RE not welcome to play’. truth is more like the obligation to me was getting to be too much and the spath wanted to duck out. deathbloging sock puppet! (i like the word ’spath’ sooo much)

again ty for the ‘cleansing’ declaration.

best,
one step
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Monday, 7 December 2009 @ 11:57am
style1 says:

I had a converstion this weekend with a narcissitic sociopath and saw it immediately.. He was a bad one.. he would say something .. then when I would refer to it. He would say that he didn’t say it.. It was classic.. and this turkey used to be President and part owner of a university.. I though, wow.. what damage has this man done in his life… and because of position people thought of him as ‘authority’ … as some rise to authority just to fulfill their narcissitic sociopathic needs. I confronted him fast and he went ‘crazy’….it was hysterically funnd and pathetically said to observe. I am getting good at seeing throught these types quickly.
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Monday, 7 December 2009 @ 12:15pm
style1 says:

I meant to write hysterically funny and pathetically sad to observe.. It was like watching a caged animal caught and he was squirming.. and lashing out and he got more and more juvenile …
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Monday, 7 December 2009 @ 12:16pm
citykitty617 says:

I love this site. I just wanted to say that my P soon to be ex’s ex wife killed herself last Thursday. He is currently at her funeral with the two son’s they have, which I raised for the past 10 years because she lost her mind and has been in and out of mental hospitals, jail, etc.

The plan was to have us all drive out, but I said I might skip that step and meet them there. He left for three days with the youngest boy and left me and the oldest all alone – would not pick up his phone. Suddenly he calls and says he bought three tickets (him and the boys) and to get everything ready for them. The Irony of this is I was much closer to her than any of them. All they did was make fun of her.

This article really resonates with me because she and I were both very spiritual, me raised Catholic and her Protestant, but we both studied all sorts of theology and really tried to instill faith in the boys.

The P father is a hard-core Atheist (which I think is the boldest religion, a universal negative) and has fully brainwashed the boys into thinking there is nothing after death. Her family obviously thinks he is pond skum and I heard of her death first. He instructed me not to say anything to the children until he got home. Which of course was 12 hours later. I respected his wishes, and listened while he told them she was dead, that currently her breastbone was being cut into and the top of her head was being sawed off.

What I am doing is leaving while they are at the funeral. I WILL NOT be the next victim. I could have flown out alone but decided she would want me to just get myself out of here. I feel bad that the kids will come home and see me gone, but I must save myself.

He has always hoped for her death. Spoke of it often in front of the children. So I am just going to assume I am next on his list. Of course I am not saying he literally kills people, it is an slow mental process. A good friend told me today that if I can take anything out of the loss of my BFF (I would like to raise her from the dead and kill her several more times right now) – it should be to get away and never look back.
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Monday, 7 December 2009 @ 1:13pm
henry says:

citykitty – RUN BABY RUN AND DONT LOOK BACK~! peace..
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Monday, 7 December 2009 @ 2:03pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

city kitty -

YOU GO GIRL!! REALLY, GO!!
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Monday, 7 December 2009 @ 2:09pm
Cat says:

city kitty, GO AS FAST AS YOU CAN…PLEASE!
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Monday, 7 December 2009 @ 2:17pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

From the article: ‘We want to believe that, God forbid, were we lying on a deserted roadside, grievously wounded, that that stranger approaching us will have the intention to help us, and not, while issuing kind, reassuring words, to lift our wallets. ‘

When I was 21 i ran away from an alcoholic bf. I had left and come back in the middle of the night (can’t remember why0 to find the doors wide open, one of his cars in the middle of the street, the pets traumatized, a shotgun in the tree, all my stuff broken and strew about, and the phone ripped out of the wall.

my neighbor and his pregnant wife were coming home. i had never met them, but they could see from the state of our yard, that all was not well. the pregnant wifr went immediately to bed, and the HUSBAND SHOWED ME TO THE PHONE AND F**KING MADE A PASS AT ME.

Compassion lives a spath life.

one step.
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Monday, 7 December 2009 @ 2:26pm
Cat says:

one step, nice to know I’m not alone and that others are in the same spot. If I’m very lucky, I’ll be learning for the rest of my life. a dance? just for us? lets rock!
Thanks for the YAY but I really do feel that we have to literally change everything in our life, sometimes including where we live. I did that as well. It’s either that or read sad stories like city kitty’s where the ex committed suicide. How sad and all too common for those who have had one of these people in their lives.
Part of the cleansing for me has been not allowing those around me who tried taking those pot shots at me as well. I’m still working on this part, but I have cut a lot of people out of my life who are still in contact with my ex P because they don’t understand him and I’m not willing to listen to them criticize me for not allowing him to use me anymore. They don’t see what I see, but they will…when he’s used them. It’s a HARD step to take, but it works and I have peace.
I gather yours has a “fantasy” going on. I’ve had that one happen with me as well. It sounds harsh, but I’m at a place where I take no s**t. I know there’s a middle ground. I just haven’t gotten there yet.
Hang in there, I know it all will get better.
Hugs,
Cat
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Monday, 7 December 2009 @ 2:28pm
skylar says:

Steve, really great post. Sociopathy can feel so confusing because none of us can really relate to what motivates the sociopath, so it really helps to read your reminders about why they do what they do. I believe my P is actually primarily motivated by sadism, but I have to remember that he ALSO has additional motivations as well.

Henry,
I read your posts and feel for you. As you may recall, I’ve been a “monk” for many, many years while I lived with my P. My hermit lifestyle is what I’m used to but it does make me a bit lonely too. So recently, I found a compatible “monk” to hook up with! You aren’t likely to find a compatible “monk” at the bar scenes (though we occasionally will go to those to people watch together).

Since you like to garden and the country lifestyle, have you considered joining a hobby or garden association? You might find more people with common interests that way. Rather than clubbing, you might look into a meetup.com for like minded people in your area or the next big city from you.

Lots of us hermit-types want to meet other reclusives but don’t like the bar scenes. You will have to change your standards a bit because most reclusives don’t have the great, sophisticated, suave, social skills of a club hopper, but then at least that lowers the likelihood of meeting another S. Personally, I find the geeky reclusive more attractive than a suave sociopath any day.
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Monday, 7 December 2009 @ 10:04pm
henry says:

Hi Skylar I thought monks were male? lol Thanks for your concern’s. I am a misfit. But I agree with you, I need to meet similar types. Your suggestions are good and I will look into a gardening club or something similar. I have looked into so many mature male sites and I see nothing but body parts with a list of fetishes. Very discouraging indeed. I feel like i am from another planet sometimes. I have a friend of a friend working on a blind date for me, we will see how that goes. But I am doing well and have my work and a few friends and family. thanks again sky..
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Monday, 7 December 2009 @ 11:24pm
citykitty617 says:

Thank you all for your support. I am running as fast as I can, but doing it right this time. There will be not trace of me ever having lived here and I am organizing important pics, etc. Because I know he will do as he has before – try using the children as a ploy to get me back, but I will not be back. I am going to collect myself at my parents house for a while and am considering leaving the country after our divorce is final, early January.

I have struggled as to what I will say in court. I don’t want to hurt the children or get him in trouble, but on the other hand I can’t perjure myself and not say the reason I filed was because altho he makes 350K yearly he will not provide health insurance for the family, and I think I have posted before I need a mammogram. Any advice would be welcome – I believe I must tell the truth and screw it if he gets in trouble with DSS. At least he would be forced to provide care for his children, right? It is illegal in MA to not be covered.

I am so sorry to hear the way all of you have been hurt.

@ Cat – you are so right about cutting those people out of your life. I am working on that, as well. I believe all these people who can’t see what you see, will eventually – inevitably he will hurt them, too. And then they will think of you and feel like idiots.
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Tuesday, 8 December 2009 @ 2:07am
henry says:

city kitty – From reading your post @ dec.7 1:13pm. I must stress that you don’t have time to think about what you will tell the courts your reason for divorce is. Your life sounds to be in danger from this man. There will be time to sort all that stuff out later when you are in a safe place. I had hoped you would be gone from there already. Don’t think for one moment he is not aware of what your doing, they have an uncanny sense of these things. Get off the puter and go…Let us know when you are safe and there will be lot’s of advice to give you as far as reasons for divorce LATER……….irreconcilable (sp) difference’s for one….go go go NOW…….
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Tuesday, 8 December 2009 @ 3:35am
Cat says:

One step, I’m visualizing the scene you described with the alcoholic bf when you were 21. Yeah, I can believe someone would do that. What “lovely” neighbors! I can just see this whole scene because I lived through similar situations; like him cutting the phone lines so I couldn’t call the police and then trying to wake the neighbor at 3AM so that he could call the police on ME for verbal abuse. OK, what’s wrong with this picture? And the worst of it all is that my son witnessed this. Gotta love those neighbors! Mine didn’t wake up (thank God) and yours made a pass at you. Go figure…
city kitty, I brought up the above to one step, because yes, the children will suffer and he will use them as pawns. BUT he would do that whether you were with him or not. My ex was a pro at using our son and still tries to do that. Please, as henry and others have said, just go now. I can see from your post that you’ve thought this through in that no one will even know you’ve been there.
henry is right on this one. Don’t worry about the divorce now. Just go. If this man could drive someone to suicide, I shudder to think of what he’s capable of.
Please let us know when you are safe.
Sending hugs and courage,
Cat
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Tuesday, 8 December 2009 @ 10:00am
Cat says:

style, I read your post (12:15PM) and I have to agree completely. Kudos to yo for calling him on it! They just HATE that! Before my Spath came into the picture, I was married for a long time to someone who had a big name and the family money to go with it. His “friends” were those who held office and I was sickened at the abuse of power. People placed their faith in these people to do the right thing. They were able to hide a lot of garbage and get away with it. There were a lot of pay offs as well. All done so they could have that power and control. Note: I’m not say ALL politicians are like this. There are those who truly care and do the best they can in office.
Many, however, go after higher positions to feed that narcissistic beast within.
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Tuesday, 8 December 2009 @ 10:25am
one_step_at_a_time says:

Cat:

i didn’t have kids, but there were devastated animals who lived through that man’s bs and breaking things and throwing things. I felt so guilty about leaving my cat there when i fled. i did go back and take her. she was shy and nervous (a shelter cat who I hadn’t had that long) to begin with

His dog, who he LOVED so much – i will forever hate boston terriers – was SO neurotic. And now I know why. I too would have been sucking on pillows if i had stayed any longer.

I have these 3. the alcoholic bf from 21, the N gf from 45 and now the spath. And then there is my father, who although i havne’t quite labelled is wha tht ecognitive therpaist called a CORRUPT SOURCE, my crazy as shit sister (’nuff said) and now this horrid landlord. so they are here. i have cut my sister out of my life for now. i will sure my dad for what he stole from me, as soon as i can get a bit stable. the spath and N are gone and the alcoholic is many many years gone…..

…..but there is a lineage here and i hope to god that the extreme trauma of this situaion is deep and big enough to unhinge the lineage, make it apparent, give me a different enough perspective that i can ge tin theri with a shovel and DIG IT THE F**K OUT!!!

the odd is now SO BIG, that I can see it as THEM, and work on making myself safe and taking up the space I NEED TO in my own life. as they say in kink: HARD BOUNDARIES. NOT GOIN’ THERE BOUNDARIES. F**K THEM!
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Tuesday, 8 December 2009 @ 10:27am
carla says:

Steve,
Brilliant as usual. Exploitation is a trait that if I had understood it would have put the pieces together when I was trying to figure out what was wrong with my spouse. The grooming was done so gradually and over so many years. I wonder how after all I know, I hear his voice and when he sounds rational I regain faith again. I’ve learned to ignore that voice thinking “well maybe this time he is being reasonable, although he is a sociopath.” I have to remember the times he his convincing and appears healthy is just seduction. Everytime I thought he was temporarily normal, later I figured out how he got his desire met at the expense of me. He almost got me to sign a joint tax return. Fortunately I had an accountant and my attorney remind me not to sign. Good thing I listened. He commited so much tax fraud and my asset (maybe even my freedom) would be jeopardized. He is not accountable for his actions and he gets away with so much turning it around on others. He is outraged now that he is trapped with the consequences of his lying and stealing. He exploited me, his employee/sexual partners, IRS, his family, his friends to get his fixes for sex, gambling, drugs, money and status.
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Tuesday, 8 December 2009 @ 10:29am
carla says:

My sociopath was labeled by one therapist as “schizoid.” My research and 2 other therapists determined his characteristics were sociopathic. What distinguishes the two? Is exploitating faith in them the trait that makes sociopaths different from other personality disorders?
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Tuesday, 8 December 2009 @ 10:38am
skylar says:

carla, the difference is the audacious lies. They shamelessly lie all the time (the sociopaths) and they are very slick in their manipulations.

Schizoids are cluster A and socio’s are cluster B.
Schizoids lack social skills in general. They do try hard to have social skills but tend to revert to slightly childish behaviors because they really have very little interest in people.

Socio’s only real interest is in manipulation of other people. My ex-P was gifted in mechanical thinking and seemed ingenious in his tinkering and inventions, but his real interest was in the con game and he used all his skills toward that end. He could sell ice to an eskimo.

Jesus said you will know a tree by the fruit it bears. Look at the life he’s lead and what he has left in the wake of his path. That will tell you what you are looking at.
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Tuesday, 8 December 2009 @ 1:51pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

This is awesome Sky.

‘…what he has left in the wake of his path. That will tell you what you are looking at. ‘

I think that this will help me.

Thanks.

one step
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Tuesday, 8 December 2009 @ 4:55pm
katiebug11 says:

Wow! I can not express what this site has meant to me. I have finally been able to re-claim my sanity- after all HE was crazy- not ME. But you know he tried to convince me it was ME for years! Twelve years to be exact! A Christian? You better believe he said he was a Christian. Christian my a#$. Liar, POSER, phoney, anything but a Christian. It amazes me how they can stand there in church and hold your hand like they are the most perfect Christian ever. But it is only an act. Everything they do is an act. It has taken me soooooo long to figure that out. And they LIE without any of the normal “lying” indicators. You know like on the show “Lie To Me”- where people do things that indicate they are lying?? Not the S/P- they lie without batting an eye baby! No Problemo!!
I love the post about “for my next trick I’ll need a volunteer”. Wow that was me. And many of you too. I am looking forward to my freedom.

Well- so I met with an attorney today and I have an excellent case. I am going to offer a uncontested first and I bet he will take it. If word got out about everything he has done in this small community- he WOULD lose his job. I can taste freedom and it tastes good. I can’t wait for the day when I know NOTHING about him. I want nothing to do with him. I have given up on my revenge fantasy. That is a HUGE part of their game – they hook you into their game of winning and being one-up and you end up trying to re-coop your losses like a gambler- I read that on here somewhere. And that is just how it feels- like you are trying to get back some of what you gave- they are COUNTING on that need!

I am cutting my losses. Other people may stand by him- but some people are not stupid and will know what he is. In the end- Jesus knows. He always knows. It is what it is.

Love and hugs!!
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Tuesday, 8 December 2009 @ 8:39pm
OxDrover says:

Dear Katie-bug,

I am glad you are here and glad you have “got it” and glad you are finding your power and your strength to escape. TOWANDA!!!
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Tuesday, 8 December 2009 @ 9:12pm
paleluna says:

My N and I got into a fight one night and I went out for a couple of hours to get away from him. When I got home, he beat me up. He went to bed after he got through attacking me. I was so frustrated and angry I punched both my hands out, unknowingly into a glass door, resulting in a huge gash on my forearm. At that time, our neighbor, who was fed up with the noises of domestic violence, banged on our apartment door and screamed that she was calling the police. My N calmly yelled back to her to call an ambulance as well. I had blood gushing from my wound that later received 58 stitches. He just stared down at me so calmly as I was hysterically crying and begging him to help me. It took about 15 minutes for the paramedics to get there. The only effort he made to help me was to hand me a towel and that was right before they got there. I will never forget the way he looked at me. I could have been bleeding to death – there was so much blood – and he just calmly stared at me and didn’t help me! I am so glad I didn’t die that way.
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Tuesday, 8 December 2009 @ 11:49pm
paleluna says:

And when I was finally able to leave him … the second time … I had to leave my cat behind for a few weeks. When I went back to get her, she had been shaved. He denied doing it.

I’m back with him and attempting a third and final break as soon as I can get enough money up to leave.
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Tuesday, 8 December 2009 @ 11:55pm
ErinBrock says:

Katiebug:
You go girl!
Welcome and keep your eyes open!
Document, document, document…….and follow through!
Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open…..they dont go quietly.
I hope yours takes the uncontested…..but never count your chickens before they hatch…..it only leads to a downfall of emotions.
Prepare for the worst and take what you can get.
Only time will tell how it turns out.

In the meantime. Read the articles, then the comments and see how others have dealt with our situations……we have all had different journeys through the legal system.
I’m glad you found LF!
Good luck!
EB
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Wednesday, 9 December 2009 @ 2:07am
ErinBrock says:

PaleLuna:
We do things we NEVER would do in any other situation…..I think it’s our way of trying to get their attention….they way we would give it.
and it never works, in fact it backfires…..it’s thier way of defending themselves and portraying us as the perps/the crazy ones……
This is what the the ex s did to me too…..and it took me years to figure this out.
He had a bank of old friends he split me off from making me out to be crazy……so they still believe this…..and they are his supply currently……which, quite frankly is fine……some are figureing him out….BUT IT”S NOT ME ANYMORE!!!!!

You are in a very toxic environment…..and you need to do all you can to protect yourself. Stay mum, do your homework and get the hell out asap!

Stick around here and go back into the old articles…..read read read and see what others have done to escape……
Don’t get sucked in, and don’t think it will get better the longer you stay! There is NEVER a ‘good’ time to leave……Just do it!
Keep yourself safe…..and get out!!!
Good luck!!
EB
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Wednesday, 9 December 2009 @ 2:12am
one_step_at_a_time says:

PaleLuna – dear stuck moth to the spath flame,

I was shocked when i read the last line of your post.

I know nothing of the challenges you are facing, but

PLEASE LEAVE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. OR SOONER.

I know – money, etc. I KNOW.

all best,
take good care and get out asap,
one step
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Wednesday, 9 December 2009 @ 10:41am
Cat says:

PaleLuna, I echo what one step and EB have written on here.
He will NOT change, no matter how many chances you give him.
Please GO NOW to a place that is safe. I did that myself.
Take care of yourself and stay safe. Where you are is toxic to your health in ALL ways.
Keep coming back here. This has been my healing place, my education on the REALITY of what they are and are not, and a source of encouragement.
Sending prayers and courage,
Cat
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Wednesday, 9 December 2009 @ 11:49am
Cat says:

katiebug,
You go girl! Once you’ve had a taste of freedom, it’s not something you want to let go of. It’s AWESOME. I could feel the “positive” in your post. I loved it! This site has helped me too. I come here to learn, gather courage and heal. Wonderful place with wonderful people.
Hugs,
Cat
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Wednesday, 9 December 2009 @ 11:59am
Cat says:

Forgot to add that I hope that one day, I can be as much help to others as so many are on here. Gotta give it away in order to keep it, as they say.
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Wednesday, 9 December 2009 @ 12:00pm
AbuDhabiEyes says:

Alone in a foreign country for a new career… I was lonely and a bit scared. Thats when I met Dave P. He was from Newport Beach –just a short drive from my hometown so I felt an instant familarity. Letting my guard down was a HUGE mistake… 4 months later I was so confused, emotionally drained, and physically sick that I almost lost my job. Fortunately Dave was relocated to Morrocco by his company but continued to call / email me, claiming I was THE ONE. Stupidly, I kept in touch not wanting to believe the real truth – that this handsome, seemingly successful man was a sociopath. I thought I was being “too needy, sensitive, etc” and that is was just grief over a failed romance…. but something kept nagging my conscience. So I kept his emails. Now I KNOW he was definately a sociopath and would like to warn others. Is there anything I can do legally back in the US? Also, I’m a single woman living alone in a Muslim country so I have to be careful.
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Friday, 11 December 2009 @ 5:31am
OxDrover says:

AbuDhabiEyes,

What do you mean “is there anything I can do legally back in the US?” Are you a US citizen? Is He? Where did the crime take place or the fraud> Is it a civil matter or a criminal matter? I’m not an attorney, but there is a man on here, Matt, who is an attoorney in NY and can answer some questions, but your question I do know is too vague for him to have enough information to be able to formulate an answer.

There are several web sites that list men and “out” them as “dontdatehimgirl” or something along that line. I have never listed anything on them.

Keep in mind, too, if you take vengence on him, he may very well retaliate, and if you are a single woman living in a muslim country that might be dangerous.
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Friday, 11 December 2009 @ 8:09am
AnshelBomberger says:

This is my story of a ten year relationship with the biggest con artist I have ever met. I had been manipulated by others all of my life, but this con’s manipulation conned me the longest — a decade.

Back in 2000 I met someone who overwhelmed me with praise and attention. We talked on the telephone for hours each day and emailed back and forth often. Our song was, “I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You.” It should have been, “I Knew I Was Going To Use You Before You Did.”

In the very beginning, when we dated, I took her to my cabin in the mountains. I also went to her town home for a few dates. Even in the beginning I wondered why it had taken her so long to unpack her boxes and move into her own place that she had said she longed for for so many years. She hadn’t unpacked those boxes because she was hovering. She didn’t tell me this, friends on the sidelines explained this to me. My con artist was seeking out prey. She hadn’t intended of unpacking and moving into her own place completely. Her intention was to stay there long enough until she found someone to take care of her. Then she would merely move those boxes and unpack them with that person, me, and my two homes.

In the beginning I also wondered why she lived with others and this was her first place of her own? She was nine years older than myself. I was in my late thirties and she was in her late forties, by now we all should have learned to take care of ourselves. I had. She explained that living for over twenty years in Santa Barbara, California before moving to Colorado was too expensive to live on your own. She lived with other people out of necessity. It sounded as if it made perfect sense, I knew I wouldn’t be able to afford a place on my own in an expensive city. So, why was she still hovering in her own place here in the Denver area? She had a good job, she could afford her town home, why not be excited and embrace all the wonderful emotions of setting up your own abode? I know I loved setting up a home. I couldn’t imagine living out of boxes. It would seem cluttered, disorganized, and most of all temporary; something I just wasn’t.

Her patterns were many. They started to add up, but as anyone that has been conned for years knows, the honest one that is being conned pushes the red flags aside, believing because they behave honestly, and that the one they fell in love with must be honest too — wrong.

In the beginning she seemed to be honoring her commitments. After all, she had to be able to honor commitments in order to get a loan for her town home. Well, eventually she just moved in with me and rented out her town home. Then she allowed her town home to go into foreclosure and ended up selling it in a short sell. My friend was her realtor. She walked away from that transaction owing my friend money. I was the one that paid my realtor back in order to save the relationship with my friend that had been cheated in the course of helping my con artist out. Later that year my con artist filed bankruptcy and I was paying for nearly everything. I refused to pay for food and the cable, the two important things in my con’s life. I knew whether or not my con was in my life or not, I’d still need to do whatever it took to keep a roof over my head. She wasn’t contributing to the mortgage, utilities, or any other bills. All she had to do was buy the food and pay the cable bill. When she finally left, I ended up paying the final cable bill. Was I shocked? Nope. I expected it.

Not long into the relationship I couldn’t figure out why she no longer wanted to touch me or why she withdrew when I attempted to touch her. I knew I was her first lesbian lover and she had been with many men, but I figured she just didn’t know how to initiate intimacy with a woman. Many times I tried to innate intimacy but was slowly pushed out of my own bed. When I tried to get her to just hold me, she wouldn’t. I asked her what kind of lesbian she was? I asked her if she wanted to go back to men? She never gave me a clear answer. Instead she just would cry. We tried couple’s counseling, but that ended up with me and the therapist doing all the communicating and my con artist would sit there crying, not saying a word. It became a moot point and we stopped going.

She was not capable of opening up to people, yet, she’d openly and freely hold and spoon with our dogs. Eventually I began sleeping in another room. I figured I might as well have a bed all to myself and not only have to fight for room in the bed, but attention in the bed. I was dangling on the edge of the bed anyway. Not only fighting for attention, but space on the bed as well.

One time, again, in the beginning, I did kick her out. I put all of her things out of the house in Aurora, and said I was done. Eventually her intense eye contact (unblinking, fixated, and emotionless — certainly not a sign of empathy —- an effort to assert control), brought me right back to the feelings and belief that she did care for me. After all, she looked me straight in the eyes when she made her worthless promises.

I thought if I bought her expensive cruises, jewelry, even a marriage in Canada, things would change and she’d be able to show me some form of intimacy. Nope. After she admitted to me that she hadn’t loved me for years, I snapped. I immediately threatened her with reporting her for criminal trespass if she didn’t leave my home immediately.

She went to my second home in the mountains and lived. Earlier in the relationship I put her name on the titles of the homes. We were legally married in Canada, she was my wife, she was to be put on title like any spouse of a marriage. Years later when things started to fall apart, I insisted that she pay for her own cell phone and sign a Quit Claim Deed for both homes, giving me back control over my property. Somehow she agreed, while saying, “Sure, I’ll do it, I told you I wouldn’t cheat you.”

After I snapped, I forced her to sign a Memorandum of Understanding in order to feel as if I was the one being fair and practicable. It was taken from the wording of a legal Separation Agreement. I told her if she refused to sign it, I’d have her arrested from the house she was residing at in the mountains for criminal trespass. I made sure I told her that a Fifth Degree Criminal Trespass charge comes with jail time and fines. She had the agreement signed and sent to me the next day via priority Mail. I knew if I eventually raised the weekly rent and she was a “Tenant-At-Will,” I could get my property back in my legal possession. I forced her out.

I guess she thought she could tell me she loved me one day and the next day tell me she hadn’t for years and still live off of me. After all, until her words matched her behaviors toward me, she got away with living off of me and not having to show me affection at all. Her own words confirmed for me what I had suspected for years. I felt betrayed. I felt trust had been broken. I felt lied to. In retrospect her shameless techniques she used to keep me stuck were:

1. Charm — She is very good at charming others.
2. Recognizing a person who is decent and trusting — the perfect target — me!
3. Emotion seduction (“Come Here; No, go away.”)
4. Crocodile tears — especially when she was about to be confronted.
5. Plan B when she was about to be confronted — moving back to her family after being away from them for decades.
6. Gaslighting — making me doubt my own perceptions (The term “gaslighting” comes from a 1944 movie called Gaslight, in which gold-digging husband marries a rich, innocent woman and tries to make her feel like she is going insane. Sociopaths are experts at it).

Life for my con artist was reduced to a contest. I was her game piece; moved about, used as a shield, used for a roof over her head, and eventually ejected. She may think she won, but she didn’t. I have my homes back, my life back, my control back, but post traumatic stress disorder has set in and I find I am angry and hyper vigilant. I don’t trust anyone and sometimes I question my own perceptions and choices now.

Even during the last encounter with my con artist (as I had the opportunity to tell her good bye to help with my closure), she attempted to suck me right back in by looking me in the eyes, with tears from both of us, while she promised to work on herself and that she’d be back one day. She asked me to save her grave site (that I had pre-paid for). She showed me that she pawned her gold jewelry in order to buy new tires for her car. That showed me two things, first, “Look what you made me do?” — sell my wedding ring. Second, she lied to my face once again at her last attempt to emotionally manipulate me. “I’m sorry.” She was not sorry. I realized that after I thought about the wedding ring that she wanted to keep as a precious keepsake and instead she sold it for tires, she was not sorry.

I walked away wondering why at our good bye was she telling me these things. Why at our final good bye was it the only time she tried to french kiss me passionately and hold me the way I had always wanted her to hold me throughout the ten years together? She was attempting to leave the door open by finally giving me what I begged for all along — affection.

I felt cheated in so many ways. Cheated in time wasted. Cheated in money wasted. Cheated in the false finality of our good bye. I realize I have PTSD in how I was manipulated to one area in my own homes, while she ran the entire rest of the homes.

I felt as if “my room” was my solitary confinement. Now that she is gone and living in the Buffalo, New York area, I have a difficulty with living space. I tend to want to go back to a one room, when I have two homes to choose from. I can only relate this to what a Prisoner of War must go through. There is a scene in the movie “Cast Away,” where Tom Hanks is in his hotel room. His room was catered with sea food — food that he probably was sick of. No one considered that he might want a steak or Mexican food. Something different. On the other hand, he had been conditioned through his survival that even though he had a warm comfortable bed and lights now, he was only conditioned through his survival for years to be comfortable on the bare floor, while turning the lamp on an off. No one considered that what he needed wasn’t a plush room, rather a small space. To everyone else the large space and plushness is inviting, to Tom’s character, it was something to have to get used to again. I too only feel comfortable in the one room at a time where I was allowed by my con artist to occupy. It was my own space minus of her. I learned to know no different. I am now having to get used to space again, my own space again, minus her. One minute, hour, day at a time.

As I begin to heal, I learn that no matter what I did I could not “cure” her conning ways with my money, time, or “love.” I couldn’t change anything and expect her to be satisfied. I couldn’t even get her to begin to understand how I felt and how much she hurt me. She really didn’t care.

To a sociopath (my con artists), I was just “supply.” I was a source of money, housing, or whatever else people were taking from me. Even though my former partner said, “I love you,” the words meant nothing. Her sole objective was to keep the supply coming. The intensiveness was the so-called “love” fraud for both of us that kept us both stuck.

So what did I do? I cut my losses and got out. I am in weekly therapy learning essential skills on healing. I am learning and understanding that I’m not a fool, I was targeted. Yes, I am angry, very angry. I’m working on that too. Sociopaths are expert manipulators. They spend their whole lives perfecting their acts. There are millions of sociopaths on this planet, and each has conned hundreds of people. I know I am certainly not alone.

Getting help for me was not from my son or friends. No one really understands what I went through unless they, too, have been targeted and conned. Thank G-d my con artist is hundreds of miles away. The space and eventually time will help more and more deceptions become even clearer. I can work through those issues as they come up. I work on ridding of my anger through writing and working out. Obsession of this situation at times seems out of control too. Research has shown that attempts to suppress a thought can cause an increase in the frequency of the thought. If I find myself thinking obsessively about an event or person, I attempt to interrupt the thoughts with, “I release you and any hold you have on me.” This sounds so simple, people often laugh, but it works. I’ve found that I have to do this over and over throughout the day — perhaps for weeks, months, or even longer. It helps me live in the moment.

Although I still receive email from my con artist, the last one I opened she was communicating that her departure is a bad dream to her. I needed to cut all ties and I have learned to block her from emailing me, so I will not be tempted to be sucked right back in from her seeming kindness and pity attempts. I know she is hundreds of miles away and has her own work to do. Ten years of touch deprivation and no affection whatsoever took a huge toll on my body, mind, and spirit. I am learning to take care of my needs and recognize others attempts to control me. I have learned I surrounded myself for years by a few people that loved manipulating me. I begin my healing by telling those people that I am working on making my life healthier and I will not longer tolerate others’ attempts to control me and to not attempt to manipulate me. If they ask me for something and I don’t feel comfortable about it, I tell them, “No.” I have learned these people were toxic to me as well. Setting clear boundaries made it very easy for me to see who was going to stay or who needed to go. I have lost many people that I thought were “friends,” but as one door closes others open for me. Friendship is about equality and balance in a relationship, it is not one-sided. Those that exited my life, were the one-sided takers, not givers. It was about their needs being met and mine not being addressed at all. I am clearly able to see manipulators and con artists coming and I just don’t have anything to do with them now. I thought I’d be lonely, but I am enjoying my time by myself and my dogs. I still keep busy with my volunteer work in the Jewish and Veterans’ community where I reside. That helps me feel as if I am giving of myself. It does my soul good. I have dear friends at my synagogue and they are helping me though this rough spot too.

I did find a book on the Lovefraud.com web site that explains the dynamics of these toxic encounters. It is very helpful and I recommend it for anyone that is being emotionally abused through con artists or any relationship where they are being manipulated. Much of the manipulation stems from our childhood trauma bonding. We take what we learn from our childhoods and still live these sort of dynamics as adults. This book explains it all: “The Betrayal Bond – Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships.” By Patrick J. Carnes.

Anshel
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Friday, 11 December 2009 @ 2:39pm
Matt says:

AnshelBomberger:

So much of what you wrote resonated with me. One year ago today my article describing my experience with a man whom I had gotten involved with was published here on LoveFraud. I was a criminal defense attorney, and I still got conned by an ex-con. Unlike you, I didn’t marry him — and thank God I didn’t because I would have had to pay big to get rid of him — prenup or no prenup. I don’t know if you have formally filed for divorce with this woman, but if you haven’t either divorce this viper or get an annulment.

You are in a place of healing. Welcome.
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Friday, 11 December 2009 @ 10:19pm
henry says:

Anshel – Your story resonates. Thank you for sharing. My X Sociopath BF – has been gone almost two years. I will know I am me again when I no longer fear looking in his eyes…’you’ understand that…welcome and it will get better. I recommend “Meaning from Madness” by Richard Skerritt.
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Saturday, 12 December 2009 @ 1:52am
geminigirl says:

Dear Anshel,
I have to sincerely thank you! This really resonates with me as well.Your ex spath wife, sounds EXACTLY like my 45 year old spath daughter. I have printed out your entire letter,and underlined all the similarities, its SCAREY how alike they are! I think in some ways its even harder to cut off your own adult child. but I know for my sanity, well being, bank balance,[which is slowly recovering} I MUST stay NC with her. It was a year on the 8th Dec. since I last saw Deb, and total NC by email or phome sine end of June this year.My boundary to her was ONE ,apology , only one, for all the unbelievably cruel, hurtful disrespectfultreatment meted out to me. It doesnt look like Ill ever get it, and even if she did say “sorry” it would only be a ruse to try to con more money out of me. I didnt have a clue till I found LF re gaslighting, mirroring, projection,etc, I have learnt so much in 6 months!
I have been physically abused by her, conned out of large sums of money, lied to,emotionally abused, my home, art studio, and small flat,{condo} were all wrecked by her.She lies like she breathes. And the crocodile tears! The pity partys!
The fraud! She banned me from her wedding, but invited her dad and my second husband,{who naturally didnt go}She sees herself as an superior entitled,flawless person. Its always always someone elses fault. She has been separated for 3 and a half years from her long suffering husband, who now has the 3 kids full time,”until she sorts herself out” Like your ex, her stuff is in boxes, in store or parked with he ex husband. the kids dont appear to miss her. Kev is MUCH the better parent, and Im so relieved he has then full time now.I have forgiven her over and over, but as she would never ever acknowledge shed done anything wrong, shed never apologise to me for anything.I still love her but I cant stand her, does this make any sense?Over the last 3 or 4 years, she must have conned over $10,000 out of me. Now that Im not enabling her any longer, she has lost her rented flat,{condo}, and is flat sitting for a girlfriend at the moment. What then? She has basically thrown away a loving gorgeous husband, her home, her kids, her Mum, good jobs, good friends whom she has used once to often! She has no car, no full time job, no credit rating,no home,and she still thinks shes a smart, intelligent, suPerior being!! For 30 years Ive worried myself half to death about her. NO MORE! Shes 45, a mature woman,shes on her own now, IVE HAD IT!!Im 70 now, and Im sick of it,she only ever used to ring me if she needed something, never to say,”how are you, Mum?” Ive had enough.NC is hard, but I know its my only salvation from her.Thanks again! Love, geminigirl.XX
Ps, Ive also now got the following books, and am reading them all,”The Betrayal Bond,” “Meaning from Madness”, People of the Lie” by Scott Peck,-they re all helping me to see what she is truly like.Very sad.
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Saturday, 12 December 2009 @ 2:34am
one_step_at_a_time says:

I put the betrayal bond on hold at the library the other day.

it’s noon. I cannot move. it’s another day when i will lose half or more of my time to being unable to move on my own behalf. i eat and i remain frozen.

okay – this week:
contacted a big pharm for comapssionate access to medication i need, and got enough samples of the med from the doc to last me this next month.

took part in a project with the local economic development board that put me in the room with 30 movers and shakers in this town. i came out with a fist full of business cards, and an invite to a service club brekfast. these things are all important – there is alsmost no work in this town and piss poor paying contract is up in feb.

i picked up two (count ‘em) boxes. I don’t know that the fuck i am doing, but i think i am moving. no wheels, and it snowed like crazy this week, so 2 boxes with active arthritis needs to be noted.

i challenged someone without getting ugly or backing down

i called a couple of local agencies re help with rent food and utilities. wish i had called BEFORE i dumped a part of the disconnect notice on the plastic, cause they would have helped.

deicded ihave to pay the @#$%^& landlord the rent. and will do that today. i was trying to leverage withhold to get some things addressed that i can’t live with , but he is a bigger bully than i can ever aspire to be. and i just don’t have the energy.

i managed to focus long enough to get some of my job done.

_____________-

As i get heavier physically it feels like the weight of my mind. it is quite negative right now. pieces of things the spath said and did swim up to the surface and infect me. i think i am depressed. i need to fight that. i am so F&&^% isolated – no money, lacking some of the perscriptions that would make the pain in my body less, lacking freinds and family that would help with the isolation.

i have this response to people right now – i just wanna lie and manipulate – i see it around me in my father and in the spath (she’s still at it gleefully trolling away as a nasty rent boy on the web) – and yes their souls are hollow. i understand that this desrie to act out is a response to what i have endured. but it’s no good. and i knwo it’s because i don’t have enough love and care in my life. and i don’t have a safe palce to live and even trying to figure that out keeps me locked in my head and in bed.

i am in trouble. and i am trying to be where i am. it is so hard – my house isn’t safe and i work form home, so am constantly on the prowl for a place to work out of. with the snow and the injuries i have, trudging around in the snow with my computer and files is really hard – but i have to stay out of the house for many hours a day or i am ill from it.

it is hard to write here. i was duped via the internet, and my trust is pretty cracked. i get triggered by phrases that look like ‘hers’ and i feel some kind of malignancy of her view of people has infected me. i have been very open and now i see that that is one of the things that has made me a target.

i feel like a turtle – head out, head in, retract limbs into shell and don’t move.

help.

one step
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Saturday, 12 December 2009 @ 12:23pm
Cat says:

one step,
You aren’t alone, hon. There are people HERE who get what you are saying. We all have these times. I’m in the middle of one of them myself. I do what has to be done and I’ve found that focusing on what I HAVE done leads me to wanting to do more. I like the feeling of accomplishment. Lifting 2 boxes is huge for one with arthritis. Give yourself points for that.
If there is one safe place to be, THIS IS IT. I know that I have been on other sites, read what’s been there and I come here and I am calmed. Like I am nowhere else. I don’t always write, I read a lot.
At least you see and recognize what being around your EX has done and when we can pinpoint it, we can work on it. NOT knowing where to start is the worst. You know. Sending you mucho.. HUGS…
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Saturday, 12 December 2009 @ 4:38pm
Cat says:

Anshel,
Thank you for sharing. So much of what you have written resonates with me as well. MY room became the place I went to because it was the ONE place my ex wouldn’t enter. For some reason, this was a place that he recognized as all mine. It wasn’t always like this. For awhile, it was a battleground as well. When I pressed charges the first time, it changed. In my room, there was no games, no lies, cheating and stealing and no hurtful words. I still go there and find peace, solace and me when things get rough. I know, in time, this won’t be the case, but for now it’s OK.
You made me think about something I never saw in my lifestyle before. I have spent the majority of my life with those who like to control, play games and manipulate. It’s an eye opener I must now go and look at, but I thank you.
LF is wonderful and the people on here just KNOW when I talk about something on here. I come here for my daily fix of “I’m not the crazy one.” What a blessing!
Thank you again,
Cat
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Saturday, 12 December 2009 @ 4:54pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

hi cat,
i feel so close to the edge. i have moments of energy, then i just STOP, completely feeling like i can’t affect my situation.
oy.
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Saturday, 12 December 2009 @ 8:20pm
Stargazer says:

Dear LF friends,
My therapist has recommended a book called “Safe People” by Cloud and Townsend. It is about how to tell which people are emotionally safe to have relationships with. I have requested it from the library.

Anshel, I also live in the Denver area close to Aurora. I am saddened to hear that there is yet another sociopath in this town. I hope I never run into her.

I’m so sorry for what you are going through. 10 years is such a long time to invest in a relationship with a con artist. Though the relationship that led me to this site only lasted a few months (because I’m getting stronger), I had a 3-year relationship with a man who was emotionally unavailable. We kept breaking up and getting back together, and every time I went back, I was a little more invested in the relationship. I remember thinking that deep down he must really love me even though he didn’t act like it. When I found out after 3 years that he had never loved me, I felt like I’d been run over by a mac truck. I can only imagine how you feel after 10 years.

You sound to be in a very rational and good place, though, and I believe that in the course of your healing you will get to the core of what made you attract these people in the first place, and that will release you from the destructive cycle.

Blessings,
Star
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Saturday, 12 December 2009 @ 10:43pm
Stargazer says:

Dear one step,
For what it’s worth, I admire you for your strength, and I feel it builds character in a person. The people I admire the most have gone through similar things.

Most of my adult life can be characterized by having to carve out an emotional space to heal from betrayals around all kinds of crazy living/work situations. It was really hard, but I learned how strong and self-sufficient I can be. Throughout most of these years I resented that there was so little help and support for me–no loving family, no community services, no money for therapy. I struggled for so long getting on my feet. And the struggles paid off, as I am now very self-sufficient. I learned that I really didn’t need anyone to take care of me but me. The thing I admire most about myself is my resourcefulness. Having to survive can teach a person how to be very resourceful, and I feel this is a great asset in life.
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Saturday, 12 December 2009 @ 10:55pm
Matt says:

Hey, Stargazer:

How’s life treating you? Things work out with the creatures at Citi Mortgage?

I’m still doing the unemployment shuffle. I’m trying hard not to get depressed, but 10 months out of work and no end in sight is starting to really get to me. I’m determined not to let it ruin my holidays — basically I’m taking the position that nothing is going to happen on the employment front until after the holidays, so I may as well enjoy them.

Things are working out really well with the new guy. Actually, since it’s been 6 months, so I guess he really doesn’t qualify as a new guy anymore. Still, every day that I spend with him I discover the joys that a healthy, non=S relationship has to offer. Imagine, a partner who is supportive, kind, loving, trustworthy, non-secretive, non-texting, emotionally and sexually available, non=manipulative, etc, etc. Basically, everything the S wasn’t. What a novel concept, huh?
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Saturday, 12 December 2009 @ 11:10pm
Matt says:

one-step-at-a-time:

I think it was you who asked me how many people it takes to bring a class action suit. That’s hard to say. A court has to certify what a class is.
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Saturday, 12 December 2009 @ 11:13pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

Hi Matt,
yes, it was me.
I am not familiar with class action suits. A very public dupe of the spath’s is suing her for fraud. I have recently been in touch with her, and she mentioned class action. She has heard from a number of other women the spath conned.

I am taking it real slow with this woman – my trust is pretty cracked right now. It took me weeks to verify an article written in a weekly was ‘non fiction’ and then i whirled around in circles trying to figure out the court system, and finally just asked her for the info, cause I know i could check the court case out online through the county clerks office – as soon as I knew which county it was in. It all checks out, so I want to help her if I can. I have mail from the spath, etc. that verifies that this same person is still doing the same shit.

I am going to call her lawyer and the DA, but i am taking it slow. I have a really bad housing situaiotn right now and I can’t get caught up in this – or put myself in the position that the spath can hurt my reputation; i am way too close to the edge as it is. But in the long term I have to do something. I must get myself safe, but i also must look into what I can do legally. I have no money to hire a lawyer, but i can help this ohter woman – the pyscho bitch needs to be slowed down.

one step
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Sunday, 13 December 2009 @ 1:14am
Stargazer says:

Hey Matt,
So glad things are working out with the new guy! And lord, if YOU’re not marketable, there’s little hope for the rest of us….

Citimortgage came through at the very last minute and offered me a loan modification. It’s not a great one, but they let me bank 8 month’s worth of mortgage payments, so I now have a cushy emergency fund. I’m good for now. If I ever want to leave this place, though, I have to do a short sale to get out. The other thing about a loan mod, if I am ever a day late on the payment, I will automatically be in foreclosure.

I am tentatively trying to move on in the rest of my life with my housing situation settled, but I keep running up against a brick wall with my inability to form deep bonds with people. This affects every aspect of my life. I am working on this but having a lot of setbacks. I am on the verge of going back to school for more training, either in massage or some other field, but I don’t know if I am emotionally ready to handle it yet. I also have a guy on my reptile site who is very interested in me. I like him too, but I have put up so many walls with him that he pegged me right away as having major trust issues. What’s even worse than just being alone is trying to open up to someone and finding that I am inadvertently pushing them away. So apparently I’m not ready to let love into my life yet.

That’s where I’m at. I would like to have a breakthrough so badly. As soon as I get through some of these issues, I know things will start improving in my life. But at least I have a beautiful condo, for now, which I’m grateful for.
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Sunday, 13 December 2009 @ 3:36pm
Stayingsane says:

Steve

Thank you, thank you…you articulate the impossible, you put words on and nail it time and time again. You say:

‘The sociopath, or exploiter, seduces your faith, only then to intentionally violate it.’

for me it was traumatic, I collapsed and agonised because of the LIES he told me that I believed…but they were empty lies that really destroyed my attempts to relate…and I had fallen in love with him???!!!!!

its toxic. And like a cloud of smoke it can choke and kill. I wasn’t in love with the P. I was in love with the lies he spun….
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Sunday, 13 December 2009 @ 5:01pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

Stayingsane,
‘I wasn’t in love with the P. I was in love with the lies he spun.’

thank you for this. i went walking today, in the wind and rain (god bless this warm winter) and did some gestalt work with myself, around this issue.

my spath sent me many pictures of himself. beautiful lovely pictures that supported ‘the story’. these were not ‘him’. he is not that age, gender or anything else. some of the spath’s REAL likes (as listed in other places on the web) were given as the likes of the boy….i doubt that anyone can make up a story completely devoid of their own personalities, likes and dislikes, but i digress.

it was all a lie. maybe it is easier to know that, in my situation as all of ‘him and his family were sockpuppets’- but in a way, especially when I didn’t know WHO this person was (or were), only that he did not die, and was a liar – it had its own nightmare quality; I didn’t know WHO it was/ WHO they were, so they could BE ANYONE. it creeped me the f$$K out.

Knowing who helps. a lot. before i knew who i was dealing with having ‘him’ call me on what i call ‘resurrection day’ was helpful too. i knew he wasn’t dead, but i couldn’t figure what WAS going on. and i still loved that being who had been spun. so i was thankful to know ‘he’ was alive and that ‘he let me know’. that conversation lasted 5 hours. and i watched ‘him’ spin a whole story within the story to explain his absence. he went to, ‘my bf’ is mean and keeping me hostage. i guess he thought that would work with me, still. i wished him luck with it. and that was the last contact with that sockpuppet.

Thing is, I know that the spath WANTS me to know that it was her, AND that the sockpuppet who was so vocal when i outed the non death/existance of the bf (i didn’t know WHAT i was dealing with at that time – just knew it was bullshit).

so, THERE is the desire to hurt. right there. and she has tried in lots of ways – the histrionics of one sock p, the threats of another, and letting me know that she is also the histrionic one.

I need to learn more about what they do when outed. I wish i’d had the lovefraud handbook a few months ago – cause i could have seen the puzzle pieces coming into place. now I have the resources here to figure some of this out, and make decisions about how to proceed (how she will probably respond if I help with a legal case and to weigh whether or not i want to do this).

I am generally anxious. And i have learned in the last few weeks, by reading here, that it can make me be impulsive, ’cause i just have to get rid of ’something’ when my anxiety gets high. But in this situation i am trying very hard to not be reactive and to plot out, have goals and not be pulled off course, regardless of how triggered, anxious, scared, angry, enraged or hurt I am.

She doesn’t get to keep my mind, even though she is taking up some space right now. She doesn’t get my head forever, but i will go slowly so that I do what I need to work through this, act with courage and hold my head up.
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Sunday, 13 December 2009 @ 7:27pm
Iwonder says:

Hi Matt,
I too am out of work. Have been for 5 months now and I’m getting a little stir-crazy. But at least I have been interviewing. I applied for 50 jobs in November…not kidding and have been able to interview about 3 or 4 times a month but no matches yet. I find I am getting low-balled a lot or another candidate with less experience for less money will take the job in these hard times. I have 3 interviews coming up in the next few weeks. Like Star, I also have a condo and was fortunate enough to get a loan modification for 12 months. So at least I have a roof over my head for now.

Some of the interviews are coming not from me applying but from employers who found my resume posted on Monster, Careerbuilder or Yahoo Hot Jobs. So maybe you could post your resume there. I also go on Indeed.com everyday because it pulls all job postings from all the sites so you don’t have to jump from site to site. Another good site is Ladders.com. I also created a profile on Linkedin.com and re-connected with co-workers from prior jobs to network.

Just some tips.
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Monday, 14 December 2009 @ 2:07am
OxDrover says:

Dear Iwonder,

I haven’t ever posted on any of these resume sites, but I wonder if it isn’t dangerous to post so much of your work history etc. there or is it a confidential thing where you don’t put your real name up or the real companies you worked for so that information can’t be used to “steal your idenity”?

I am seeing signs, big signs here that the economy is tanking, and the only thing that seems to be doing anything in our area is the natural gas drilling going on. A large school bus manufacture that has been here for over 50 years is laying off all but a hand full of people, heard on the news yesterday a big factor that makes steel beams for new store construction is laying off 60% of their workers because stores are not expanding now, and so on.

Jobs in industry for machnists (my son is one) are almost NON-existent now and when he first started 15 yrs ago they were PLENTIFUL for manufacturing was going great guns! Now it is tanking.

Even the “underground economy” of flea markets and such is down by 2/3s. Donations to food pantrys and such as Good Will are also way down as people hang on to their better clothes longer etc.

I don’t have a real positive outlook on the economy no matter what Washington says.
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Monday, 14 December 2009 @ 11:13am
Iwonder says:

Hi Ox,

Well, your information posted on the sites can’t be seen by anyone just going on the sites. Companies that want to look at the resumes have to pay for access. Yes, your name, address and work history is on there but not your social security number and you don’t have to put a telephone number on there. If you want, you can just put your email address as contact info.

In today’s Cyberworld, there is always a chance of identity theft. Everything is done by computer today. If I call a company and ask if there are openings they tell me to go onto their site and see and then apply that way.

Yes. . the economy is tanking. I’ve not been out of work this long before. I could have a job if I want to take $20K less a year but I’m holding out as long as I can to avoid doing that.
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Monday, 14 December 2009 @ 1:40pm
OxDrover says:

Dear Iwonder,

Yes, I know there is ALWAYS risk of idenity theft. Credit card theft (with your numbers etc) knock on wood, I have never had it happen to me except when the P hacked into and TOOK over my cell phone account. I ened up NEVER BEING ABLE TO GET AT&T to acknowledge my right to control it. He ran up hundreds of dollars in bills by changing services etc. and I finally decided to just get another number instead of continue to fight it. In fact, my ATTORNEY laughed at me over it and then HE COULDN’T GET ANY RESULTS EITHER. LOL

I finally just let the hundreds of dollars of bills go unpaid and when the company threatened to put me into collections, I sent them a copy of my POA as my late husband’s estate executor and said “he’s dead, so sue him! I tried to tell you he was dead but you kept on talking to someone who said they were him on the phone and making changes to the account and running up the bills, so it is on your head not mine!” That was the last I heard from him. LOL He had called these 1-900-talk dirty to me lines at $5 a minute and all these things. LOL added another line and used my credit card numbers to order these late night TV things sent to ome under my name $49 and we’ll give you the secret to how to get rich in real estate, no money down, for life, except they bill you $500 monthly after that! LOL I had a hell of a time getting those off my credit too. LOL At the time it was just to keep me busy and OFF BALANCE, but since I was already CRAZY and AFRAID for my life, it didn’t help me any. I spent time on those things that could better have been spent doing things I DESERPATELY NEEDED DONE that in the end I lost considerable money because I didn’t do them, instead focusing on the chaos caused by the Ps.

I hope you can find a good job, IWonder, but sometimes I have taken jobs beneath my qualifications just to eat, but at least the unemployment benefits have been extended some. Good luck (((hugs))) and my prayers.
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Monday, 14 December 2009 @ 2:02pm
Matt says:

Iwonder:

Thanks. I’m on monster and careerbuilder. Do get the daily listings from Indeed. Haven’t put myself up yet on LinkedIn, but have decided to go that route.

Have seen a little activity the last few weeks — had an interview last week and met with a head hunter today. She said that she expects things to pick up more in the first quarter. Her lips to God’s ears.

If you’re going stir crazy after 5 months, try 10 months. Of course, I’ve got a few neighbors who are going on 1 1/2 to 2 years. I would truly shoot myself by that point.
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Monday, 14 December 2009 @ 2:48pm
Iwonder says:

Matt,
I signed up to volunteer for our county…a few weeks ago I raked leaves for an elderly couple. I need to get busy busy busy.

It seems like I can’t get my life back on track since I was involved with the ex-S. The last job I took was a little beneath me because he didn’t want me to be around other men. I worked in a small mom and pop shop and isolated myself from the world. I also took a paycut for that job. I am used to working in corporate home offices interacting with people. Bad Move. Now I’m out in the cold and trying to reconnect with past associates looking for a job. Ugh…why did I do that to myself? I swear..never again will I let someone control me ….ever.

Linkedin hooked me up with a lot of people I hadn’t seen in years.
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Monday, 14 December 2009 @ 3:12pm
OxDrover says:

Matt, please don’t even joke about suicide! BOINK!!! (((hugs))))
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Monday, 14 December 2009 @ 3:51pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

I just left a message for the lawyer of the woman who is suing the spath for fraud. It was hard to put my name out there. But I know that the layer EXISTS.

I haven’t wanted to be too open with the other dupe. Man, my trust is rickety.

I know that going to the lawyer may bring more shit into my life, and I care about that, but I think this is the right thing for me to do. If it helps her case, and if that in turn has any baring on a conviction, or the sentence then I want to do this.

TOWANDA!
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Monday, 14 December 2009 @ 6:59pm
Stargazer says:

Some updates in my situation:

I am about 90% sure I will be starting advanced neuromuscular massage training in January. I’m working on getting partial funding for it, and the rest I can afford. I’m hoping this will allow me to quit my office job and make me more marketable as a massage therapist.

On the relationship front, I was just going along, minding my own business, going to therapy, etc., when this guy on my reptile forum has suddenly become very interested in me. For about a month I was very guarded and standoffish with him. We were talking the other night on the phone, and he told me that I come across as someone who has been hurt very deeply and has put up a lot of walls. Interesting to hear this from someone I don’t know very well. Anyway, the outcome was that I have started to actually like this guy, and I feel like I took one of the walls down. I basically just told him that I don’t jump into relationships and that if a guy is interested in me, it will take some time for him to prove his intentions. We’ll see if he wants to do that. But I have to admit, it feels so good to start considering dating again.

I started a low dose of an antidepressant today. Curious to see how it will affect me.

Hugs,
Star
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Monday, 14 December 2009 @ 7:12pm
Stargazer says:

Iwonder, if you use your same email address for job applications that you use for internet forums, prospective employers can actually go into those forums and read your posts, although I heard this one is blocked (?)
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Monday, 14 December 2009 @ 7:15pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

Star:
I am the queen of multiple email addresses!

I started out with one, then the spam got to be too much and I got another, and kept the first only for any thing I sign up for on the web (and this one I access only online so that any spam/ virues don’t come into my email program).

I have killed my email after the spath and set up 2 others – one for personal email and one for anything to do with the spath (that way that stuff isn’t in my face all the time) AND i have a business email. AND I TELL YA, WHEN I CHANGED ALL MY PASSWORDS AFTER THE SPATH I CAN’T GET INTO MOST OF THEM WITHOUT A FEW TRIES! LOL.

Do have an email that is just for work stuff – that way you NEVER inadvertently send the wrong thing to a work contact, and yes, protect your anonymity online.

my 20 cents worth (yah, HOW COME the sogn for cents isn’t on our keyboards?)

one step
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Monday, 14 December 2009 @ 7:32pm
Stargazer says:

Yes, one step,
This is the advice I got at a resume workshop recently. I can only imagine if a prospective employer read my posts on here or even worse, on my reptile site where they can learn all about my 5- and 6-foot boa contrictors. They would probably be too scared to even send a rejection letter.
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Monday, 14 December 2009 @ 7:38pm
one_step_at_a_time says:

Star,

Well, THAT could work in your favour!

I have had to use my private email a bit for work lately due to some tech difficulties with the work server, and oy with 1500 spath emails sitting in my email program it makes me nervous as hell.

(they will sit there until I know whether or not the lawyer needs them, cause right now the headers with the ISP address can be accessed in a forward)

I like snakes.

I used to have a little cat, who freaked out every time I said I wanted a snake…LOL, so I had to say ’snacky.’ Think that was what he was worried about.

one step
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Monday, 14 December 2009 @ 8:18pm
Stargazer says:

LOL I have 2 cats and 2 snakes. They are not allowed to play in the sandbox together, especially since the Siamese looks like a giant rat.

I decided to keep snakes cause I got tired of dating them. LOL

FOR IWONDER:
Are you familiar with the federally funded WIA program? It helps get people back to work, helping them either with funding for training, career counseling, resume help, help with interviews, locating jobs, etc. And it’s free. It’s Workers’ Investment Act (WIA) and every state should have it.
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Monday, 14 December 2009 @ 8:22pm
OxDrover says:

Well, star, if you ever date another RAT you can always save money on SNAKE FOOD ROTFLMAO!!!
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Tuesday, 15 December 2009 @ 12:14am
one_step_at_a_time says:

but so much energy to cut them up into bite sized pieces….
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Tuesday, 15 December 2009 @ 12:40am
Stargazer says:

Oxy,
LMAO!!!!! I never thought of that angle, feeding rats to snakes. ha ha ha ha Good one!!!!

I am so torn because I don’t really know what kind of relationship I want. Part of me wants to settle down and get married with an older, more stable man. Another part wants a passionate love affair with someone who is emotionally available, even if it doesn’t last forever (like because of age differences). I just don’t really have a concept that a passionate lover is someone I could also settle down with. I know if I married for security, I’d be bored out of my skull. I don’t want to get hurt, but at the same time, I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. So here this adorable 29-year-old really wants to get to know me. I keep saying to myself….Self (lol), why not? As long as I set a slow pace and don’t let him manipulate me, why not?
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Tuesday, 15 December 2009 @ 3:03am
ErinBrock says:

I want a black mamba!!! Or a Cobra!!!

I have a few rats to keep em fed with!

Star:
Go for the best relationship…..whatever makes you happy…..and don’t settle!
I’d say….self….why not…..29??? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Sounds like a playmate to me…..although not sure your gonna be wanting him around long term…..
Go with the flow….but make sure YOU set the direction of the flow.
I think….the more we date, the more we learn about ourselves…..NOT that I’m the master dater….still gotta lot to learn!

Have fun! WHY NOT!!
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Tuesday, 15 December 2009 @ 3:53am
citykitty617 says:

I am back, sorry my computer completely stopped functioning after downloading software updates from Apple (go figure) but it works now, yay! And want to thank all for your urgent LEAVE NOW posts, especially Matt, for the legal advice. And congrats on your new relationship

I am still working on getting out of here. Like I mentioned before I want to leave no trace. And for some reason I have been cleaning the house like a maniac and getting all of his & the children’s things in order as well. Probably because I know he will be bringing in the next victim/childcare/chef/lay right away and I don’t want him to be able to blame the condition of the house on me. I know that sounds crazy. At least he won’t be able to blame the broken windows and roof that is falling in on me. This was a beautiful house when I moved in 10 years ago, but he can’t be bothered with home maintenance. I can do a lot of things but I will not attempt to roof or install double paned windows that disturbed children throw themselves thru or break in other ways.

I want to assure everyone my life is not in danger. He is totally non-violent and frankly I could kick his butt even tho he is a foot taller and weighs at least three times as much as I. Like I have seen many people post on here, this is not the first abusive relationship I have been in so I work out hard and have good self defense skills. His method of abuse is mental and financial.

But he did drive her to suicide, IMO – it was a just a very slow process. She became an addict to about everything. During their marriage she was given an allowance of $200 per day for alcohol and weed. This kept her at home and made her unaware of his goings on. Which is really sick to do to the mother of your young children on so many levels. I started to go down that path as well – when I first met him I generally only drank beer and wine (unless I was at a client meeting I might order whatever they were drinking). He convinced me I should start drinking Vodka. He would bring it to my apartment every day. It got really bad but a few years ago I went to a fabulous detox center and I am OK with that now.

Anyhow, when he was done paying her off for her half of his businesses, she switched to the cheapest mind-numbing substance she could afford – Dust-off. I learned she was found dead in bed with a can of it in her hand. I did not have this information when her family called and said she killed herself. They believed she had gotten a hold of one of her dad’s guns. I have a huge amount of guilt, because we were very close as I said, and I knew she was doing it. As well as stealing oxycontin from her dad. I was in negotiations with her sister in law, because she called me one day and said a friend witnessed her buy every can of dust off in the local small town store in the mid-west. We were struggling with trying to stage some sort of intervention, but we did not want to damage the relationship she had with her parents. We did tell them to move the pills, but I hate that we didn’t go further. It’s hard for me because I live so far away.

When they met she was a nanny for really high end families out here in Boston. So totally presentable and together. He gave her a three carat engagement ring, a Mercedes, had an elaborate wedding and promptly started cheating on her and hiring prostitutes and she lost her mind. He is so slick that I believed him for years that she was always this crazy addict, until I met her.

For all of you struggling with unemployment, consider bartending. That’s my plan. I did it all thru college and just took a refresher course. Good money, and fun! I am not being insulting and saying it is below any of you – I have a graduate degree and could find a consulting gig in my field of HR/Benefits; I stopped that when this economy blew up, and being the bearer of bad news is just not my thing. Can’t handle it. One industry that increases in times like these are people going to bars a lot.

So no worries about me. I got my free insurance and have an Dr. appt. next week. I feel so lucky for that. Small good things have been happening to me lately, kindness from total strangers type things. Not sure if I am giving off a totally wounded tragic vibe or if it is just God, but I really like it, as I like the kindness and concern of all of you I plan to be out by Sat. What a lovely, encouraging & SMART group of people on this site!!!
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Tuesday, 15 December 2009 @ 2:33pm

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Sociopaths exploiting your faith

131 Comments to “Sociopaths exploiting your faith”

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