After the sociopath is gone: From grief to falling in love.
PDF Every other week I participate in a ‘one word’ blog carnival. This week’s word was ‘grief’.
Grief. A tiny word. Five letters. ‘i’ before ‘e’. A story of precedence. What comes before grief? Love. Friendship. Familiarity. Hope. A belief in tomorrow. A belief in another day. A better day. A different time. A time for endless hello’s to fill our day with promise. A time to love.
And then death sweeps in and robs us of that time. That moment. Those endless hellos punctuated by good-byes that do not mean, never more, but rather, until later, until we meet again, until the next time.
In death’s embrace we fall and grieve for the one who was lost, for what was lost, for time lost and never to be recaptured.
In grief there is no next time. No better time. No later. Grief consumes all time and steals all hope of a better tomorrow.
Grief.
When love ends, we grieve. We grieve the passing of what could have been, should have been, might have been, if only. We search for ways to give meaning to our pain, to explain the sometimes inexplicable causes leading to loves demise. Sometimes, we talk it out. We make arrangements on how to separate, how to divide loves spoils, how to survive loves loss. We draw up agreements, outline custody and visitation arrangements. We divvy up assets and liabilities, arrange for payment. We divorce and move on with our lives, sometimes poorer but always richer in experience.
When we have loved an abuser, love cannot die. Love never existed. There was no mutual agreement to love honestly, truthfully, respectfully. There was only the abuser’s mask hiding his or her intent to deceive. There was only the lie we did not know existed.
In love’s vanishing out the door slamming behind their last words, we hang our hopes on one more chance to say, ‘good-bye’. On one more time to see their face, hear their voice, be in the presence of the love we believed to be true.
In our grief we plead for one last time. We pray, he will return. We pray, he or she, the one we loved, will come back if only to give us a chance to secure the elusive closure our empty arms yearn for. We want to say good-bye on our terms. We want to have the last word, to make them hear us, see us, feel our pain, witness our anguish. We want to know they understand the harm their passing through our lives has caused. We want them to ‘see’ how much we love in the hopes that the one we loved, the one we believed to be true, will return. We want one more chance. One more time. One more good-bye.
And so we plead with time to give us this one last chance so that we can come to terms with their good-bye. So that we can steal the time to learn to grieve on our terms.
And that is the lie we tell time. Give us a chance and we will make them hear us, just this once, so we can grieve freely.
It never happens. It can’t. Because grieving an abuser is the greatest betrayal of all. In having loved a lie, we can never grieve what never was.
With our empty arms and broken dreams, we must give into grief and mourn for the one who was lost. The woman who was abused. The woman who was lost. The woman who fell. The woman who was betrayed and who betrayed herself. We must mourn for the one we must love the most. Ourselves.
Once upon a time I loved a man who was untrue. He never really existed, though I searched for him between the lines he spoke that were all lies. Between the pages of my journal where I wrote of love ever lasting and promises of happily-ever after. I searched for him in every nook and cranny of my mind, desperately trying to make real the unreal. To make sense of the nonsense that was his passing through my life. I searched and held onto the hope that the pain, the turmoil, the sorrow was all a lie and he would turn up and be true.
It never happened. It couldn’t. He was the lie.
And in my facing the truth of his deceit, I grieved. I grieved for the dream that could never be, the love that never was. I grieved for the woman who was abused. The woman who lost herself in the arms of an abuser. I grieved for the pain she endured, the pain she caused. I grieved and cried and wished and hoped and prayed upon every star that the pain would cease, the tears would dry up and my heart would be healed. I prayed for the past to be erased. The lies to be vanished. The horror to be undone.
Nothing can undo the past. There is nothing that can be changed in yesterday.
Grieving a love that never was is part of the illusion of loving an abuser. We look for meaning in our memories and come up empty.
On either side of grief is love.
Grieving for the woman who lost herself in the arms of an abuser, set me free to fall into the arms of love.
In grieving for all that was lost, all that was forgotten on the stormy waters of his lies, I embraced all that was possible when I set myself free to sail upon the sea of love that surrounds me, sustains me, and lifts me up.
Love has no limits. Love knows no bounds. Love is my answer.
Stand in love. Grow in love. Be love.
In mourning for the one who lost herself in the arms of a man who was untrue, I found myself. I found myself and fell in love with all that I can be when I set myself free to live this one wild and precious life free to be all I am when I let go of grief and fall… in love.
written by M.L. Gallagher • Permalink •
ElizabethBennett says:
Thanks Super Chic-I just wish I could get them to stop giving out s****y references w/o having to sue them. It is going to take at least 3 weeks until I see the funds though-maddening!
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super chic says:
Elizabeth, I wonder if a “cease and desist” letter from an attorney would stop them,
and don’t send the letter to “them”, send it to the corporate office.
(I’m just thinking off the top of my head out loud here). I guess it could possibly make them worse!
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Ox Drover says:
Lizzy,
When I was in management, we were only allowed to give out “eligible for rehire or not eligible for rehire.” BUT, by the TONE OF VOICE you can say a LOT and the words are not important.
She is ****NOT**** eligible for rehire!
She ***ISSSSSSS*** eligible for rehire!
And the WORDS you have said are “she is not eligible for rehire.” which is NOT something you can sue them for, because it is the truth….and there is no way you can prove in court anything else even if you had a tape recording of the ****NOT***** word. That is the unfortunate thing.
What you CAN do however, is when you go to an interview, TELL the people you are interviewing with, that you are “not eligible for rehire” at XYZ hospital, and that it was because of a “personality clash with a supervisor” and that you were terminated but that the UNEMPLOYMENT BOARD validated that you were UNFAIRLY fired and that you have received your UnEmp pay….give the new hospital a COPY of the determination of your termination. That should HELP at least let the new place CONSIDER YOU, in Arkansas there is a probationary period where a new employer can terminate you without “cause” so if they hire you, they DO have an “out” during that probation period.
Do you have copies of your period or yearly evaluations from your supervisor? If so and if they are good, give the new place copies of those as well. If no copies, get copies of them. It is a good idea to keep copies of all your personnel evaluations anyway.
But good luck with finding a new job at least this money will be a nice large chunk you can pay your rent and so on and you will hopefully be getting a weekly check as well. I don’t know how long you have been out of work but I know it is a while, but with the recession on a lot of places are extending the time to draw unemployment from 25-6 weeks up to 99 weeks.
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ElizabethBennett says:
Oxy-thanks that helps. I have had all successful evaluations but the hospital that terminated me refused to give them to me when I continued to ask for them. My attorney said there is no way I can force them to give them to me. I do plan on bringing my judge’s decision to my interviews and presenting it.
Right now I am dealing with N father who turned on me again and sent another horrible hateful email to me because my stepmom’s daughter is in town-apparently she is the perfect daughter, everything I am not. He has decided to once again throw that in my face and the tiniest bit of self esteem I was starting to develop in now ripped out.
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Ox Drover says:
Lizzy, you are ALLOWING someone else to control your emotions. STOP IT!!!!!! BOINK!!!!
In the future, SAVE COPIES of all your personnel evaluations. I have always been given a copy at the time it was done. I can’t believe that you cannot have copies of them legally, but if your lawyer says you can’t then I guess he is right, but I’m not sure i wouldn’t get a second opinion on that. In fact, I have a friend who is a NOLA attorney I will ask her to check it out.
I am pretty sure in Arkansas you can have copies, and I have copies of all mine from the first nursing job I had until I retired. CYA!
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ElizabethBennett says:
Thanks Oxy!
Stargazer-glad to hear from you again. Try not to worry too much about that neighbor He seems to have issues. I spent to much time so emotional about mine that I wasn’t able to figure out what was really going on. We are becoming friends and I am trying not to get all worked up about anything more than that. We both obviously have trust issues. She actually told me the other night about someone she dated who seemed a little spathy-and that’s why she doesn’t want to date. The fact that she told all about it was a big deal-so the walls are coming down and I am just showing her how much I respect her at this time and letting it show on my face that I enjoy being around her.
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superkid10 says:
Louise
Well, HUGS to you then, cuz I know I need one too!!!!
SK
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effie says:
I am soooo messed up tonight. After 7 months of no contact I almost ran over my ex-spath with my work vehicle. I was driving my regular route and from out of nowhere a man on a bicycle wobbled into my lane. I recognized the t-shirt from the back, then the shorts, and the stupid sandals, and the hat, then the lop-sided “I”m sorry you almost killed me” grin he flashed me.
I don’t know if he knew it was me driving or not. It was a 4 second interaction. but that 4 seconds has overwhelmed me and put me back into a tail spin. How could he still be in town? How can he still be alive? Who is he sponging off now? Where did he get the bike? What woman is he going home to tonight?
Would he look for me on my return trip? (I drive a circuitous route) No. He didn’t! Why not? He can’t call me, I changed my phone number, he can’t find me, he was told I’d moved. Why isn’t he out there on the street waiting for me to drive by again so he can see me?
Why didn’t he really love me like he said? How can he look so happy? Will he be in the same place tomorrow? If not, why not? Doesn’t he even care about me a little bit? Why would he just let me go so easily?
Why the hell didn’t I run over him????????
I was doing so well, so well. Now I feel like I’ve gone from walking back to crawling. Four seconds. All it took was 4 seconds to set me back several months. I am so messed up.
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bluejay says:
Effie,
I’m sorry that you saw the spath, causing you to have an emotional reaction. What I have realized about a lot of these spaths – they are goofballs, plain weird. Thank God, you didn’t run him over – you have your life to live, free of the spath. There are good things in store for you. Peace.
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Louise says:
effie:
I get it. I can imagine that I would have had all those same feelings. Totally. But thank God you didn’t run him over. Then your life would be Hell and it is so not worth it. In the end, it is always better to just have NC. But to no fault of your own you were forced to see him. UGGHH. I would always think the same thing when I would see mine at work and then he wouldn’t contact me. Because in the back of my mind, I always thought that when he would see me, it would trigger him again and he would contact me, but he wouldn’t and then I had all those same feelings as you had. I don’t know what they did to us, but they sure did it good.
Please take care of yourself and get back to healing. Hugs to you.
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lifegoeson says:
Hello Effie,
Sorry you had a bad experience with your ex yesterday. Iv not been on this site very long, but have learned more about sociopaths/psychopaths here than I have in the whole of the rest of my life!
I had a similar type of experience recently and the people here helped me figure it out. If I am right, you may have experienced PTSD. I thought you only got that from being in wars, witnessing massively traumatic events etc. but what has happened to us is massively traumatic and our natural responses are fight or flight. Our bodies have had to use this as a daily coping mechanism instead of a one off event (ie. being chased by a sabre toothed tiger!)because of the daily onslaught of conflicting information fed to us by the Spaths in our lives.
I have really underestimated the effect the a*sehole and the nut job have had on me. I thought I was strong (mentally) and could cope once they were out of my life. I was soooo wrong! It has taken me a couple of years, a lot of soul searching, hours and hours of reading here to get me on the road to recovery. I was also lucky enough to meet someone in person who was kind enough to give up a whole day of her time to tell me her story (which was horrific).
What confused me was the physical response from my body. I have suffered from chronic fatigue /fybromyalgia for most of my adult life, and really felt as if I had some sort of mystery virus. I was starting to feel better, the progress was so slow it was almost imperceptible. I was noticing that I can walk further, have more stamina, am sleeping better (after decades of insomnia), have lost 3 1/2 stones and generally am in a good place.
Then a few things happened one after the other and I was in the throws of illness again. The a*sehole was in town for a weekend, and my children and i went out for dinner with him (I feel he’s more likely to behave if I am there and it’s not as upsetting for them). I wasn’t well at the beginning of the next week but started to pick up. Then I had a car accident, nothing huge but was shaken. Then, for reasons I’ll never understand, I thought it was a good idea to call the nut job and remind him he owed me £24,500. I was stuck at home on my own with no car and just my own thoughts for company and was spiralling downhill.
Thank god for love fraud
It’s not so easy for me to join in online conversations as I’m on a different continent from most of the posters, but everyone is so kind and helpful and give their time and the benefit of their experience so freely.
They started me down the road of looking into PTSD and more pieces of the puzzle started to fall into place. Once you understand something, it isn’t as scary.
So, to get back to where we started, what happened to you sounds like a PTSD response to seeing your ex. It brings up all the bad feelings you think you have put behind you and it’s so dramatic it’s almost worse than when you are in the middle of it all. Maybe because there is the benefit (?) of being gaslighted, so we don’t really realise what’s going on.
Keep reading, Effie, you are amongst friends here and I’m sure the pieces of the puzzle will fit together and you will find strength and support here. I hope this doesn’t sound patronising but I’m still in the early stages of coming out of the fog, and am so thrilled to finally being able to make some sense of all this misery I just want to share my new found knowledge and hopefully help someone else!
Lifegoeson!
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Effie,
Lifegoeson and the others gave you some good advice. Sure that UNEXPECTED 4 second encounter threw you into the “spin cycle”—yep, and I think the worst part of it is the UNEXPECTEDNESS of it all, you don’t have time to prepare, you just ALMOST STEP ON A SNAKE when you are NOT expecting it and it gives you a “fight or flight” ADRENALINE surge that will lilterally make you ill….for a few hours….but keep in mind that you used to live like that 24/7 filled with adrenaline and anxiety 24/7 as well, NOW, you are MUCH CALMER 99.9% OF THE TIME. I had this happen to me when I ran into my egg donor unexpectedly at the grocery and another time when the P- X BF popped up, so yea, it gives you quite a SHOCK….but at least we are not living like that 24/7 so you have made PROGRESS….IT WILL PASS IN A MATTER OF HOURS, so just keep on reading and learning and learning some more! ((((hugs)))) and God bless.
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effie says:
EGAD. You are all so right about this PTSD reaction. I feel so much better after a night’s sleep. Not completely, but somewhat able to process my thoughts more clearly. OXY: Your comment about almost stepping on a snake was so dead on.
When I began to question my relationship with this guy I started calling him la serpiente, as spanish is his native language. It made him so angry. More angry than I’d ever seen. He even messaged me one day saying he didn’t think he would be able to marry me (another of his lies), that he thought we would have problems.
I confronted him days later, as he was cooking dinner at my house, about the “problems” he forsaw if we were to marry. He asked me exactly what time and day he sent me the message and when I told him, he turned to me with the most sinister, ugly look and said, “it was when you called me la serpiente”.
Another time I was on the receiving end of that look was when I called him crazy. He stopped what he was doing, turned to me and said, “what have I ever done that is crazy?” At the time I hadn’t put it all together, and really, he hadn’t DONE anything per se, he just didn’t add up. It wasn’t his actions that were crazy it was more that life with him in it was crazy.
I am so grateful for this site. All of you that respond help so tremendously. Also being able to put feelings into words helps reinforce what I already know. I know he is a SNAKE, and I know what I see is NOT what I get with him. I know that life is better for me without him in it.
As soon as I get out of the negative attention is better than no attention mind set I’ll be ok. LIFEGOESON, it is disheartening to hear that it could take up to 2 years to get out from under this and I’m glad you stuck with the site as you’re steps ahead of me and had great advice. I wish you continued luck with your healing. Also, i don’t think it matters one hoot what country you are from. This is a one size fits all place.
\BLUEJAY and LOUISE you are both so right about not running him over. Of course that was an afterthought, only came to mind while I was typing. Safety at work is the number one priority, would never really try to hit anyone. GAWD that would be awful. Co-worker recently hit a group of 5 people walking across the street killing 2 of them. Talk about ruining her life, not to mention the lives she took and the families that were devastated.
Anyway, thanks for coming to my rescue…AGAIN.
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lifegoeson says:
Effie,
I’m glad your feeling better after a good sleep. It’s like having a holiday every single day (night)
I think that was my biggest leap forward – to sleep most of the night. I bet you’re glad you didn’t marry him, it would be an even bigger nightmare!
Probably part of the reason it’s taken me so long, is that it was put to the back of my mind for a long time, as we had another tragedy to deal with, which had nothing to do with the nut job. He was only in my life for a long, very disruptive year, but wasn’t till I realised I wasn’t going to get my money back that it came back and bit me on the nose.
As far as the site is concerned, it’s fine for me, but as I’m out of sync time wise, I’m just going to bed when everyone else is getting warmed up. It’s ok for random posts but not for getting involved in continuous conversations. I’m not complaining at all. Just getting to know you all and reading endlessly has be an amazing gift for me. I would still be blaming myself and trying to fight it (even more than i do now!) on my own.
Also wouldn’t get the opportunity to be boinked on the head with Oxy’s well worn skillet when I’m being stupid!
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Lifegoeson, LOL ROTFLMAO I wasn’t expecting that comment at the end of your above post! Chuckle! You may be time wise out of sync with us but you are definitely IN sync with the blog! LOL Glad you are here!
Effie, that HORMONAL RUSH of the “fight or flight” syndrome when we are SHOCKED or SURPRISED by running into them just throws us off kilter for sure. But remember how you used to live like that all the time! Being “high” on anxiety, on worry, on uncertainty and all the things that go with it. HORRIBLE.
Keep in mind in your driving that STRESS increases our risk of having an accident with a vehicle, or other kind of accident. It is a distracting thing that makes us more likely to be hurt or to actually get sick so keep your changes and other stress that you CAN prevent to a minimum.
Read on here about the healing things we can do for ourselves and to keep our stress low….i.e. keep CHANGES of any kind to a minimum, like don’t change jobs, or move etc. for at least a couple of years. (Stress is something that accumulates over a period of years not days or minutes) so be patient with yourself in over coming the effects of stress on your body and your mind. ((hugs)))
K
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Stargazer says:
Okay, for those following the continuing saga of my recovery, I am now allowing men back into my life, and I LOVE having them around.
1. I had a fling the other night with someone I’ve been flirting with for a while. He is 38, gorgeous, fun to be around, and not someone I could ever get serious about. I doubt it will happen again, but it really raised my endorphin levels and built my confidence. I have felt so much more alive since then. And don’t worry; we used protection.
2. I was supposed to have a date tomorrow night with a guy who is a little more in my league, but we had to reschedule it to Monday night. It is a real date. He is picking me up and taking me to dinner. I’m very excited about it. We met the other night and had fun listening to music and dancing together, but then he told me he missed me afterward. I was not on the same page. I told him I don’t fall for men very quickly, and that it takes time to start missing someone. He took the truth very well, and is still interested in seeing me again. I thought he might pull something passive aggressive but he didn’t. So far, so good. He is my age – 50 – and someone who has a lot of qualities I look for.
3. I have spoken with another guy twice on the phone, and he is talking about getting together for a drink this weekend. He is 40, and probably not a good match for me for the long run, but he is very down to earth and would just be nice to be around. We’ll see if he calls.
So…..it’s happening. I’m officially back out there. I am very proud of the way I’ve been putting myself out there and getting what I want and not getting what I don’t want. I have decided that this is about what I want and how I want to live my life, and not about what other people think is good for me. I have lived a nearly celibate life for 11 years, excepting a few short term relationships. I’m now ready to comingle with men again and enjoy what they have to offer.
Love,
Star
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ElizabethBennett says:
Star-I’m so glad you’re here but your scaring me!
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Stargazer says:
Oh and before people start judging me for the fling, I just want to say that it totally broke me of my obsession with the neighbor. In fact, he is very much like the neighbor in some ways. It helped me to see how immature the neighbor is, because he’s just like that, too. It also helped break the bond. The neighbor is no longer the last guy I slept with. If I get hung up on this other guy (which is unlikely), at LEAST he doesn’t live next door. I think this was a win-win. I walk by the neighbor’s patio with a spring in my step and a smile on my face, knowing that I can have men who are better than him. What a great feeling! You don’t know how much PTSD I’ve had over him, having to walk out my front door every day and see him.
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Stargazer says:
Sorry I’m scaring you, Liz
I have always been a free spirit, and it will take a lot to settle me down. There is nothing wrong with that. None of the cognitive work and therapy I’ve had in the past year helped me get over the neighbor. But taking action this past week with other men helped a lot. I’ve learned that it is possible to overanalyze. They say un unanalyzed life is not worth living. But also an unlived life is not worth analyzing.
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Louise says:
Star:
Good for you. If you are doing what you want, that is all that matters to me. You know…I have thought about that exact thing you mentioned above. That maybe I need to just have a fling because then X spath won’t be the last person I was with and maybe I would quit obssessing about him. How weird that I was thinking the same thing!!! I’m sure I won’t, but it’s a thought
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Ana says:
Star,
I’m happy for you! You know what is right for you!
Good luck with your date on Monday…if it doesn’t work
out…at least ya tried.
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ElizabethBennett says:
Star-it’s ok. I didn’t want to rain on your parade-I just tend to dig my heels in and put on the brakes. I have to be that way so I don’t get hurt.
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Stargazer says:
Thanks, friends. The problem is not sex. Sex is a basic human need. The problem is getting attached because of sex. This typically does not happen to me unless A) I sleep with them at least 2-3 times, and B) I have some fantasy that the guy is “right” for me somehow. Granted, ultimately, I would like to meet someone really special. But it may or may not ever happen, and I’m not going to deny myself a positive experience with a man if I want it. Besides, I don’t know if any lover will ever hold a candle to the guy I met in Costa Rica anyway.
I actually cried over him (again) the other day when I was by myself at the beach just trying to relax. I should write a book about all my experiences with men. Really. I could.
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ElizabethBennett says:
Star-very many of us could write books at this point-I totally agree with you on that one. I am getting ready to tell my neighbor friend that I’m gay. I am waiting for the right time to bring it up to her. I was hoping to do it today or tomorrow-since she is going out of town tomorrow to visit her mother for the holiday weekend. I would love to tell her and have her process it away from me and just freakin get it out there.
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Stargazer says:
Liz, I will keep an eye out for your posts. I hope you post on this thread when you do it, so I will be sure to see it. I know that’s a huge step, and it’s very scary. You have a ton of support here for whatever happens. I suspect that no matter what happens, you will feel some release afterward. It’ so hard to keep things bottled up.
And Louise, I’m not a big advocate for just going out and finding a bedmate to take your mind off of someone. But neither should you have to deny yourself pleasure just because you think it’s the “right” thing to do. I think being empowered means knowing we have choices and taking responsibility for those choices.
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Louise says:
Star:
Thank you. I have never been one to have sex with someone just because. I am just going to go with the flow and see what happens.
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Hopeforjoy says:
Star,
I’m happy for you that your such a free spirit. My first reaction was that you give of yourself too easily but you seem very okay with who you are. Being married to someone who sexualizes everyone kind of makes me shy away from putting myself out there.
Right now I see men as only wanting sex so it is going to take me awhile to really have a healthy perspective on intimacy. Maybe your just taking your power back and making it your decision to be sexual or not.
When I start dating (if I do) I will need to be slow with sex because I tend to bond.
On another note, I was officially diagnosed with post tramatic stress syndrome due to years of emotional abuse. Probably most of us on this site have some degree of ptsd. Wondering if this means I can sue the spath for emotional trauma? lol
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Stargazer says:
Louise and Hopeforjoy,
Thank you. We are all sexual beings, but there are times when being sexual with others comes with too great of an emotional or spiritual price tag. I think this is really individual, and it can change depending on where we are at with ourselves. When some of these experiences happen with me, I’m usually not especially going out looking for a fling. I just make a decision to periodically open myself up to what a man has to offer. This particular man, though very fun, has little to offer besides sex. I just allowed it. Ultimately, it’s not the kind of relationship I want, and if I start fantasizing about him, I will get hurt. At this point in time, my head is on straight. I expect that I will not hear from him again, and that I may even see him on the dating site. I don’t care. I am doing what is called “circular” dating right now. I have several men on my radar screen, and don’t feel too attached to any of them. I don’t really give of myself as easily as everyone here may think. I am actually very slow to get involved with someone. It’s more the mental decision that someone is “right” for me. I made this decision at one point with the neighbor and with the guy in Costa Rica. I will not make this mistake again with the guy from Monday night. He is waaay not good enough for me. And with the others, I will check them out very carefully. If I think someone may be “right” for me, I definitely don’t want to sleep with them right away. It will screw everything up. I hope that makes sense. I am really just learning about myself and exploring my sensuality/sexuality. I feel like I’ve been reclusive for so long, I’m kind of a late bloomer in that regard.
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Stargazer says:
P.S. I saw an ad for some sort of rolfing that is really good for releasing trauma. If I can ever afford it, I will check it out and report back.
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
star – i did the whole series of rolfing sessions years ago when i was very healthy. it put me in bed in the fetal position for a day each time. it’s very intense and deep work; and my practitioner was considered gentler than most. I have probably had better results with osteopathy for releasing emo trauma bound up with mechanical dysfunction.
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
Hopeforjoy – i am glad you have the diagnosis. who knows when it might come in handy. I was supposed to go for a mental health eval. today, and they cancelled. put off until august now. I was hoping that i might be able to access some programs, etc with a diagnosis, but seems like my program this summer will have to be, ‘going to the beach’.
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Louise says:
Star:
I think that’s where I most definitely am. Not wanting to have sex because of the emotional or spiritual consequences. It’s not that I don’t want to…whew. It is so hard to not and thinking about how the whole world is doing it but me! HA!! But I have made so many mistakes in the past due to being intimate with someone. The ordeal with the X spath finally opened my eyes and made me stop. It’s not even that I have been with many guys. But it seems like even so, everytime there was a consequence for my actions. Yes, sleeping with someone right away does screw everything up and I don’t care what anyone says about that. In my opinion and experiences, it is most definitely true.
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superkid10 says:
Star
I’m glad for you that you feel confident in moving forward with men in general. Lucky you – many opportunities in the hopper!
I am eager for that day to happen.
I feel like I’ve been doing two steps forward, one step back….slowly moving forward. Since I’ve broken contact with my spath, it really feels like I’m doing 3 steps forward, one step back….so making faster progress….
There are days where I actually have a skip in my step and I’m feeling happy again. It has been a long, long time since I felt that. Getting away from the spath was key.
I can’t believe how much a spath brings me down.
I’m thrilled to see your recovery.
Superkid
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Ox Drover says:
Hope4joy.,
I’m not sure you can sue HIM, but you may be able to qualify for disability….are you still legally married to him or is the divorce final yet?
Remember I am NOT an attorney, but have had some experience in helping patients get social security disability.
1) if you have PTSD you may very well qualify for SSD….it doesn’t hurt anything to apply for it or cost anything either.
2) if you are “disabled” you might be able to make him pay more $$$$ to you in the settlement since you became disabled during the marriage.
3) many/most times in order to get SSD for PTSD you will be turned down the first time you apply, after that you get an attorney who is LIMITED TO payment only if you get it and only a small percentage of your back payments from the date you applied, so getting an attorney at the START won’t hurt a thing or cost you any more money either.
You might talk to your divorce attorney about it as well if you are still not “finally” divorced.
Good luck. (((hugs))))
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Hopeforjoy says:
Oxy,
Oooohhh, I just e-mailed my attorney and let him know. Thanks for all the information, I didn’t know that I could qualify for benefits. I sort of self diagnosed this and now at least I know it’s true. I jump when someone touches me or I touch something by accident and aren’t expecting it. So good to know this information.
One-steppers with joy,
The beach sounds like good therapy, just to hear the water as it moves is soothing. I kind of like closing my eyes and listening to all the people and their activities because it is so normal. If that makes any sense.
The therapy that you spoke of (rolfing? sounds German) might be an option, I’ll talk to my therapist about it. I sure don’t want to end up in a fetal position though! This opens doors for me with treatment and I’ll need to find something that helps me from reliving everything so many times a day.
Just to be on a course to wellness and health is way better than my previous course.
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Ox Drover says:
Hope4,
QUOTE:
On another note, I was officially diagnosed with post tramatic stress syndrome due to years of emotional abuse.
I took the above quote to mean that you had been OFFICIALLY DIAGNOSED by a professional….with PTSD….so sorry I misunderstood what you meant.
I don’t think it would hurt to have yourself examined by a MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL THOUGH…because there are treatments and medications for PTSD that DO help.
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Ox Drover says:
Rolfing is more or less a kind of massage therapy but is very intense and very much focused….takes a lot longer to learn than regular Massage. I had one session of it and it was FABULOUS. Very expensive and takes quite a while to do a whole body Rolf.(10-12 hours)
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
hopeforjoy – personally, i wouldn’t recommend rolfing, only because it is very heavy, and the practitioners tend to want to make you sign up for the whole course or series. mucho dinero. there are other things that are gentler. Star is looking at releasing trauma and talked about it in that context.
i love shiatsu, and reflexology (a good reflexology is worth her weight in gold) bowen and osteopathy, too. so much depends on the practioner. I have injuries that need to be accommodated, so i need to find someone who has patience and a small ego. i had a great shiatsu guy here, but he became a carpenter! all of this stuff costs money, and is out of the reach of many of us most of the time. I soooo want a massage. i just want someone to lay hands on me.
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Hopeforjoy says:
Oxy,
I was diagnosed by my psychologist who is a psy d. Does this mean it’s official if it was made by a doctor of psychology or do I need to go in for more testing?
I have been seeing her for the last few months and have gone over my symptoms.
Thanks,
Hope4
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Iwonder says:
Hey Superstar,
I too am really ready to get out there. It’s not that I’m not interested or scared it’s just hard to find time. I absolutely love my job and I’ve made some single lady friends at work so now we can go out together and if I happen to meet someone then it will happen. I had this feeling I needed to land a job first and get my life in order before I started a new love affair. ..had to fix me first. Green Eyes still comes around but I’m not even upset over that anymore so that is a good sign that I’m good to go. Keep us posted!
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Ox Drover says:
Hope4,
A PhD is probably qualified to “diagnose” you (depending on the licensure requirements in your state) but if you apply for SSD they will send you to a PhD of their own for another test I imagine.
But yes, you are “professionally” diagnosed. Of course there are levels of this as well….PTSD is not a one size fits all. Are you able to work at gainful employment? If the PTSD is severe enough that you are unable to work, then you might be eligible for disability payments under some circumstances…if you are a “stay at home wife” and now that he has left you, you are required to provide your own support and you became disabled with PTSD during the marriage, he might be required to continue to support you. Check it out with your attorney.
Might as well take advantage of anything that is legal and/or moral.
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Stargazer says:
Yay, wonderwoman! Glad you are over Green Eyes. I’m in the opposite situation as you. I think I needed to have a man or two in my life in order for the rest of my life to move on. I’ve been living in a bubble for too long, and men seem to be my muse. The excitement of dating and having male attention makes everything more fun and alive, even my tedious job. But it will take a lot to settle this free spirit down. A man will have to prove himself to me over time. And sadly, I don’t know if there will ever be another great lover like the guy I met in Costa Rica. I’ve only met one other like that in my entire dating career. They are rare, and I have been spoiled. Some men just “get it.” They innately know what to do with a woman.
I’ve experienced many different forms of bodywork (including rolfing and bowen) and found them all very helpful at different times. I went and had a Chinese massage for $29 the other day, and it was fantastic. I cannot say enough about bodywork, being a bodyworker myself.
Thanks for the well wishes, everyone. I’m waiting for Oxy’s skillet. **ducks and hides** lol
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Ox Drover says:
Star Darling,
You are over 18 (I bet) and it is legal for you to do whatever rings your chimes. I am not your conscience or your mommy! LOL It is perfectly okay with me for you to act like an adult and to take responsibility for your actions like an adult.
I realize (did you read what I posted the other day about adults being an endangered species? LOL) that people who do take responsibility for their actions and choices are rare birds…but at the same time, since YOU ARE an adult and ARE making these choices, if they bite you in the ass YOU get the consequences. So no, darling, I will not fling the skillet at you for your choices.
You sound to me like you are in a pretty good spot at present, and even if I don’t agree with your choices or your decisions, I don’t think you are making them under duress or insanity.
Not everyone has the same desires in life (how boring it would be if that were the case) and as long as you make your own decisions based on YOUR desires in life…who am I to tell you that you are wrong? Those may not be the choices I would make for me, but I’m not in charge of your decisions, YOU are. As long as YOU are having what YOU want out of life and not hurting others, (specifically me!) I’ve not got a beef with it. (((hugs)))
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Stargazer says:
You mean I don’t have to duck and hide? Phew! Thanks…I guess. It’s true that we are all different. I have friends for whom sex never occurs to them. On the other hand I have a female friend in her 40′s who usually has about 6 lovers at a time and doesn’t get serious about them unless one of them wants to commit. She is a beatifically happy, creative, and successful person in every area of her life. I guess I’m somewhere in the middle and just trying to figure it all out. I once read that Libras shine their personality when getting attention from members of the opposite sex. In my case, it is really true. But that doesn’t mean I will lay down and die just to have a man in my life. I will not give up my routine, my gym workouts, my classes, or my sleep (which I’ve been asked to give up a few times lately). If they can’t work around my schedule, then…….next. I really don’t want a man in my life unless he can contribute something to my life. I am not one of these women who has the need to take care of some man.
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ElizabethBennett says:
Star-I got news for ya. I found out recently that Libras also shine their personality when getting attention from members of the same sex too. Especially when us Virgos treat them well.
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Louise says:
Hey, I’m a Libra, too!
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Hopeforjoy says:
Star,
What makes you different and aware of your choices and what they mean, is because you are HONEST! No matter what you are doing you’re honest to yourself and to everyone else.
It doesn’t matter if it would be my choice (I can wish for a latin lover, he he) or not, I won’t judge you! Your honesty is really beautiful and I appreciate it.
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Louise says:
Star:
I have never thought about that before, but now that you said that about Libra personality shining if getting attention from the opposite sex (in my case men)…sooooo true. When I think about myself, I really do shine when I know a man is attracted to me. So insightful…I never thought about it. THANK YOU!!
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ElizabethBennett says:
Louise and Star-my best friend and my girl next door are also Libras. My best friend hasn’t been with a man in a really long time, but she did shine when she was with him. My girl here started to shine as well. I think she finally became aware of how she is being treated by ME-virgo
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Stargazer says:
Liz and Louise, I would alter that statement about Libras to say that the women like being worshipped by the “masculine” in someone – doesn’t necessarily need to be a man. Libras are natural flirts. But interestingly, since I’ve had that fling, my needs have been met and I’ve not been craving sex any more. In fact, I’m processing some other emotional things that are coming up – not sure what they are yet. Energy is flowing; life moves on.
P.S. Have you ever read Adam Sandler’s astrology? If not, I will have to post a link – it’s hilarious what he say about all the signs.
Hopeforjoy: Thanks so much. I try my best to be brutally honest with myself and others. I’m just too old to play games any more.
And Liz, my former Canadian lover from Costa Rica is a Virgo. He was so sweet.
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