I, Psychopath: Watch the documentary online
PDF Three years ago, on November 30, 2006, I received an e-mail from Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.
Perhaps you’ve seen Vaknin’s name on the Internet. He wrote and self-published a book called Malignant Self-Love—Narcissism Revisited. He promotes the book heavily online, so if you Google “narcissism,” his website on narcissistic personality disorder comes up on the first page of search results.
Here’s what Vaknin said in his e-mail:
You haven’t responded to my last two e-mails to you. Have I done anything to offend you?
(puzzled)
Take care.
Sam Vaknin
Now, I didn’t remember seeing any e-mails from Sam Vaknin. So I wrote:
Sam,
What emails? I haven’t received anything.
Donna
His reply:
Dear Donna,
I much appreciate your response, thank you.
My e-mail messages to you are probably relegated by your e-mail program to your spam or trash folders.
I wrote to offer to collaborate with you in any way you deem fit. For instance, I can respond to questions about narcissism, or write a short monthly column about the intersection between narcissism and psychopathy.
Here is a list of links which you, the visitors to your Website, and the readers of your (great!) newsletter may find of interest.
His e-mail included 17 links for articles on his website, articles he’s written on other websites, and articles in which he was quoted. The guy seemed to know what he was talking about, so I invited him to send me an article to explain the difference between narcissists and psychopaths. He immediately sent another link to another one of his pages. I read the information and determined that it was poorly written and explained nothing.
So I looked into his background. Right on his homepage was a link to his disclaimer:
The author is NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. The author is certified in Psychological Counseling Techniques by Brainbench.
Brainbench was an organization that offers online business training and assessments. And his Ph.D., according to his own website, was in philosophy. Delving further into his website, I read his page about Narcissists and Women. Here’s what Vaknin wrote about himself:
I am atrabilious, infinitely pessimistic, bad-tempered, paranoid and sadistic in an absent-minded and indifferent manner. My daily routine is a rigmarole of threats, complaints, hurts, eruptions, moodiness and rage. I rail against slights true and imagined. I alienate people. I humiliate them because this is my only weapon against the humiliation of their indifference to me.
Sam Vaknin, it turned out, readily admitted that he was a narcissist. I decided not to publish any of his articles.
Sam, the movie
Now, Sam Vaknin is star of a documentary called I, Psychopath. The documentary followed Sam Vaknin and his wife, Lidija, as Vaknin was examined and tested by experts to determine if he is, indeed, a psychopath.
It is a world first. As we all know, psychopaths don’t think anything is wrong with them and so are unlikely to seek evaluation or treatment. The only ones who are examined are in prison. But Vaknin voluntarily submitted to the process, and it was captured on film.
We see Vaknin take a personality test and be interviewed for the PCL-R (SV) diagnostic tool. Then we see other experts examine his brain in an MRI machine.
Along the way, Vaknin offered some chilling insights. “Most psychopaths are more like poison than a knife,” he said. “And they are more like slow-working poison than cyanide.”
He also explained proper bullying technique—verbally attack, then back off. Attack, then back off. Eventually, he explained, the victim is done in by his or her own stress reactions.
The documentary also addresses Vaknin’s academic “credentials,” which are, not surprisingly, highly exaggerated. (For Vaknin’s response to questions about his qualifications, see his rant about “malicious gossip.”)
Attacking the filmmaker
The film was written and directed by Ian Walker of the Magic Real Picture Company in Australia. Walker offered a first-person narrative through much of the film, describing his observations of Vaknin’s behavior. “Making a movie with a psychopath,” Walker stated, “Is a little like poking a snake with a stick.”
Slowly, Vaknin turned his verbal abuse on Walker. According to the I, Psychopath web page, “By the end, Walker almost calls it quits on his own film rather than spend another day with its main subject.”
I can understand that. Looking back at my e-mail correspondence with Vaknin, I suspect that he never sent two initial e-mails that he claimed I failed to answer. The “have I done anything to offend you?” language was probably contrived to put me on the defensive right away. Classic psychopathic strategy.
If you want a good look at the behavior of a psychopath, and at research about the disorder, watch this documentary.
I, Psychopath on Top Documentary Films.
Thanks to a Lovefraud reader for sending the link for online viewing.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
henry says:
Janie I have recommended that book and a few others, but not sure if I recommended it to you or not. Your always so sweet. Actually I am kinda sorry I brought up Mr. Woody, I will refrain from gossiping in the future.
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witsend says:
Oxy,
Heavens no you didn’t offend me! Lol….
I had to reread what I had posted and wasn’t sure if it looked as if I was throwing him to the wolves as well and giving his wife a high five for bashing him with his own clubs… LOL….
She has never stated that she hit him with the clubs nor has he? Nor have the police. That is just the “story” that is out there.
I really don’t like when storys get so blown out of proportion by the press and the public.
I think peoples lives can be ruined by something like this.
Everyone has an opinion and is entitled to it. This is true.
But it is kind of like that kindergarden circle where the secret is whispered around the circle and by the time it gets to the last person it is so different than what was first told.
The press shouldn’t be telling storys or their OPINIONS. They should be reporting facts. If they don’t know the facts I guess they shouldn’t say anything at all. Because they get paid to do what they do I think they have that moral obligation.
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henry says:
Wit – Are you calling me a kindergardener? Sheesh , beside’s Oxy doesn’t hit you with golf club she pulls out here cast IRON
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witsend says:
Henry,
I TALK to myself online! What the heck do I know???? LOL
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skylar says:
JaneSmith,
I was the one who recommended that book. I’m glad you found it useful, but I haven’t had a chance to read it yet!!!
I was told it was good and I have it being reserved at the library so I’m looking forward to getting it, if I ever have time.
Can you tell me a little about the topics it addresses?
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slimone says:
Icanseeclearlynow,
I am sorry to hear that you were assaulted. I hope you don’t feel too much self condemnation when you say it ‘took’ an assault to get you moving. Because whether physical, emotional, or spiritual we were all assaulted….it is the nature of the ugly beasts we fought with. It is no shame. We tried to love liars. And it took whatever it took for each of us to see the truth.
If you don’t mind a suggestion: read everything you can on this site. Dig into the archived material. I say this because it can be really grounding and soothing, via empowering information and validation. Each author has a wonderful angle, and gift.
Much love and healing to you….
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icanseeclearlynow says:
slimone:
Yes, the emotional abuse, mental, spiritual, intimate and verbal abuse…it’s all assault…it’s like a rape of my soul…my “Self”, my very being and essence that makes me, me has been violated.
I do feel self condemnation. I feel it with every fiber of my being and I feel it especially painfully whenever I look at my kids. It’s jarring beyond words to come out of a suffocating fog and realize just how destroying it was… and that I stayed and actually believed it!!
Yes, it took what it took for me to see the truth and I am trying to allow for that. Presently, however all I can feel is utter shame and self repugnance.
A very good friend of mine, whom I haven’t seen in quite some (lives a couple states away), wrote this to me yesterday. This friend had not seen me since before my relationship with the snake.
“When I saw the pic of you from Halloween that you posted, I thought, had I seen that pic without knowing anything else that had happened I would have thought something was wrong. In that picture you look wan, battered, defeated. The light that is normally in your eyes had faded. But you will return to the —— I know and love soon, it will just take time.
”
I have been digging into the archives. I have been reading Kathleen Hawk’s multi-part weblog on healing. Thank you so much for the suggestion and warm wishes
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peterd says:
Sam V. by being a narcissist/psychopath is a valuable source of information on the way his brain works. I have been able to recreate his “mental landscape” by reading his book and there is a lot to learn from it. On the other hand Sam couldn’t so far heal his own disease. Honestly I would hear from a psychopath who actually got healed or healed himself. By that I mean a psychopath who stopped any form of abuse permanently. Does such a person exist at all?
Due to being a psychopath, Sam is be even less capable of solving problems of others. He does not know what should be the end result of processing the trauma, nor he realizes normal brain functioning. In that respect he is like a blind guide. There is a difference between knowing the disease and knowing the cure for the disease. We know a lot from him about the disease, but not about the cure.
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geminigirl says:
Darling witty, No, you are NOT a retard, LOL! Its actually a wonder we are still relatively sane and have more than one functioning brain cell left with all weve been through!Your doin great, Gal!! We are all human and we may not be where wed like to be but we sure arent where we were!!! And were on our way!! Cheers! Towanda!! and {{HUGS!!}} your fellow semi retard, gem.XX
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slimone says:
Icanseeclearlynow,
((((HUGS))))). I understand the feelings you are having and I also know they WILL pass, with time, they will ebb. I have heard from other people with children how difficult it is to look at their kids and know they were affected by the experience too. If it helps at all ICSCN, we all understand here. We have all neglected so much during our experience.
I can relate to what your friend said about the picture of you. My friends, who I became increasingly alienated from, said, by the end, I looked like a ‘ghost’. I had lost 10lbs, which on my small frame, left me overly thin and fragile. I was pale, with a sad, sad, sad look on my face, and jittery. Couldn’t eat, sleep, or sit still. But didn’t want to move. I spent hours lying on the couch or in my bed, just ‘being’. Just getting through to the next moment, waiting/processing/talking to myself, to him. I wrote alot too. And then burned what I wrote, as a way of letting go.
Two things, and I really hope I am not sounding ‘preachy’ here, but two things that helped me were getting massage, and being in hot water (the GOOD kind, real warm soothing water!). I found a massage therapist that didn’t mind if I cried the entire massage, and it was such a relief to be able to do that.
It has been over two years of healing for me and I am somewhere I could only imagine. On the outside my life doesn’t look too much different. On the inside the change, not only ‘back to my old self’, is very new. My awareness and application of boundaries, what it means to take care of my own needs first, and not being overly worried about being liked, and knowing I won’t abandon MYSELF again……these are some of the real changes for me.
It does change us, permanently. And, not to give the spathole credit, but just the experience has changed me in ways that I like. I feel more reliable and solid now. I still love, still feel joy, am silly and giving. But I am also more mature, ‘there’ for myself, able to believe that I will stick by myself in thick and thin.
I hope this buoys you a little…….
Take good care….slim
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OxDrover says:
peterd,
You bring up an interesting concept.
I have read quite a bit of Sam’s writings, which sound like they were written mostly for a 6th grade level, also they sound “stilted”—just like, guess what? HE DOESN’T GET IT.
I also think that VERY little of what he writes is his own writing, but paraphrasing of others writing. He also “makes up” terms like “inverted narcissist” for a concept I can’t quite get.
You are right, he has NO way to feel empathy for anyone and no way to even know what the emotions we have “feel like”–so how could he even BE insightful to write these things on his own. He has taken the ideas of others, reworded them, claimed to have figured this out on his own (yea right) BLIND GUIDE is a perfect term for him. He is blind to everything that matters to a human being.
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hairellen says:
HI all! I have been here all long reading your posts. Five years before (mine (P) left me, thank g-d!) I had posted and sounded like some crazy woman…well I was crazy!
But I just have to say this: HOw elfin (happy holidays everyone) scarey about the tilt of a victims head or how she walks! I don’t know about you all, but I definately have been more “thinking” about the way I walk and how I carry myself! That film was a wake up call to me…I picked the girl w/ the victim walk out also…looked like how I walk! SCAREY! Right?
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Cat says:
Welcome, icanseeclearlynow to a wonderful healing place. I have been on here just a few weeks and have learned so much! All of those on here are extremely kind and caring. I send you healing prayers and hugs…
This will change you and I think you’ll be surprised. It’s been a short while for me as well, but I LOVE where I’m at. Sometimes my days aren’t so great, but they are MY days and that slimeball is out of them. I know how it is with kids. I have a young son who seems to have grown up far too quickly because of what he’s seen, but I can’t change that. I can only try to use what has happened as a learning tool, for myself and he as well.
Slimone, I can’t imagine yet where you are today, but I have stirrings and glimpses and I like what I see!
Henry, how are you today? I know you’ve had some not so hot days lately.
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OxDrover says:
Hi, ellen, glad you are still around! I have’t seen the vid yet, but will try to watch it ion my sons computer tonight, my air card is too slow.
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to innocent to know says:
I watched to Sam V. I, Psyco yesterday early morning. He reminded me a lot of my ex P/P/BPD BF. Something someone in here said about his face not being even,struck me. My ex’s face was off center also, maybe there’s something to that, I’ll have to look into it. Maybe there’s a way we can tell who they are also!
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style1 says:
Reading and reading on here.. and I see my ex more and more clearly… how he was setting up everything just as he wanted.. it.. telling me what a god role model that I would be for his daughter..
Then I responded that I like kids but mother is not what I want to be.. and he ignored me.. he had in his mind what he wanted .. he never heard me.. then when I met his emotionally bizarre daughter..she threw a fit not long after tellling me that she was moliested by her mother.. and I told him that this was too much for me …
He told me ‘I’ ruined what was going so perfectly..
TADA… I am getting in on deeper and deeper levels..
Perfect for him.. had nothing to do with me and my wants…
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icanseeclearlynow says:
Hi slimone:
it’s like a beacon to me to read that you’ve been thru what i’m going thru and have gotten past it stronger (you and so many others on here)..so thank you very much
i’m having a bad day today..did not sleep well last night and i think i’m getting kind of triggered by this “victim walk” thing. I haven’t watched the vid and I won’t, but it’s bringing up things my exP said to me quite a few times and sending me into a bad state
I am so thankful I booked a massage for myself…I am going this afternoon and have been looking forward to it for 2 weeks now..I have not done anything like that for myself in way too long…I agree warm baths are very soothing
i know this post is rambling but just want to say you did buoy me
Hi Cat,
thank you for the healing prayers and hugs…you make a good positive point about having our days be OUR days…even if they are hard…it’s time for me now
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JaneSmith says:
Skylar,
I didn’t see the post where you recommended Lundy Bancroft’s informative book. Henry had mentioned it months ago, maybe even a year ago and I selected if for my wish list on Amazon. Just bought it a few weeks ago.
I must say, that I don’t think I can recommend this book to those of you who are suffering severe heartache, betrayal, despair as it will trigger immense fury for the hyper-sensitive. And maybe even more sadness, disenchantment, depression.
I am very much healed from past abusive relationships, strong and confident in my own personal power, self worth and I was more than furious while reading it.
I was a bit shocked by it’s triggering effect on me, but there are many experiences that you cannot forget. Or shouldn’t forget to protect yourself from further, future predation, exploitation.
Henry was very brave to tackle this book while he was still reeling from heartache and deception dished out by his ex. I commend him wholeheartedly for his courage.
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skylar says:
JaneSmith,
thanks for that feedback on the book. Sometimes it helps to be ready for a trigger, so I will expect it when I read the book. I had thought I was “over” my triggers, but I’m finding myself experiencing my PTSD quite strongly right now. (Could be just from my cold).
From the review
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does.....0425191656
It seems like an important book to read for anyone who is considering another relationship after the P.
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OxDrover says:
I finally got to watch the video (borrowed my sons verison air card—wow, so much faster andbetter than my AT&T one, but it does have a 5 gig limit per month, but he doesn’t even use that much, so I may have to change carriers….
The things that AMAZED ME were 1) the “victim walk” I picked out the right one, but couldn’t tell you WHY. When they pointed out how she walked differently, I could see it, but still don’t know why that signaled to me that she was a potential or former victim.
2) the scan of the brains of both Sam and his wife, and her controlling her emotions, but he not only couldn’t do it, but couldn’t apparently be TAUGHT to. ???????? I can see how she was “normal” (though highly caught up in DENIAL, and I don’t mean a river in Egypt!)
I noticed too that the man who was narrating the film, mentioned that Sam was bullying him but would always do it with the CAMERA off. Interesting.
Also the fit that Sam threw over being questioned about his credentials was laughable and SO TYPICAL of a P.
I personanlly was suprised that his total score was ONLY 18, I figured it would be much higher, 20+ maybe 25+ but I could also see that he was VERY highly narcissistic. I know that not all Ns are also Ps, and every P is an N (to some degree) but it seems like some high level Ps are also very highly N as well, and I have known some people I would “bet the farm” are high Ps but LOW on the N scale if you use the outgoing bragadocio of Sam as a yard stick. If that makes any sense. My P-sperm donor was a BIG braggart, worse by far than Sam, but also very violent as a P–up to and including murder. My P son is also a very Narcissistic person and braggart as well.
Interesting film, and actually, I wasn’t triggered at all by it, though like the film maker, I was mildly irritated by Sam, but just “eye rolling irritation” not tooth grinding.
I did feel sorry for Sam’s wife, and the apparent delusions she harbors that he loves her, but that is her choice.
Very interesting film, and I am glad that they made it. Glad I saw it actually as I have been very curious for the past several months since I heard about the film.
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henry says:
Dear Cat – I have been doing very well. Like you this place really helped me understand personality traits that are predatory and exploitive. In the process of figuring out about them I learned so much about why I am the way I am. The encounter with the worm snake brought about a huge awareness for me. I looked at my life and the people in it and cleaned house. We will all have bad days, sad things to deal with, that is life. But I can continue with some peace of mind now that wasn’t there before the worm..The past few days I have been kinda out of line on the blog, but i had a blast. I hope I didnt offend anyone. I have been here for almost two years, I am kinda like the house pest, just ignore me when I get silly. I just try to add some humor from time to time.
I was telling a friend today that I am so glad I am at a place in my life and age where I dont have that nagging need to find some one to complete me. Maybe I have become jaded or resigned to living a single life. I have alot of good family and friends, a home, three pooches.. I ama lucky man…
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to innocent to know says:
OXY,
Too I did not get triggered by it, it just reminded me a lot of my ex. I thought it brought out a lot of god points and gave us something to look at. I also did not get the walk, but apparently we have it or they could not spot us so easily, remember they are into body language.
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to innocent to know says:
I too, am into body language, but appartently not to the extent they are. I think they figure out our feelings by it.
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to innocent to know says:
My ex used to say that he liked everything natural, my hair color, everything. I used to get my nails done, it made me feel good about myself, quit because of him. Let my hair grow out and even though I did not feel comfortable, did it because of him. He didn’t like musicals, I love a few of them, quit watching them. We watched basically what he wanted to watch on tv. When I said something about how he controls the remote, he got defensive.
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to innocent to know says:
good points is what I meant in the earlier blog
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dsch says:
[I personanlly was suprised that his total score was ONLY 18, I figured it would be much higher, 20+ maybe 25+]
They didn’t use PCL-R, which has a maximum score of 40 in testing him. They used PCL-SV, which has a maximum score of 24. So 18/24 is actually high enough to get the psychopath label, it is roughly quivalent to 30/40 in PCL-R.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
slimone,
‘the sick illusion that can drag at our hearts’
thank you for this…now i have a phrase for that experience.
best,
one step
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one_step_at_a_time says:
hi stayingsane,
‘possibly addicted to his lack of empathy ‘ hmmm, this strikes some sort of chord in me – lackof empathy in my family, me trying to prove i am worhty…run like a rat on a wheel.
even though my spath was set up as the most empathetic of creatures (esp amongst the other sockpuupets my spath was pretending to be)
but ‘he’ wasn’t really empathetic at all. there was somtehing there, but not real empathy. seemed more disturbed by the problems and vagaries of music and hollywood stars, than the real folks.
best,
one step
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Stayingsane says:
one step at a time
Addicted to the possibility of getting something sometime but it never happens but you still hope and have your little dish held up looking for a crumb…..but you end up walking away with nothing devastated yet again.
You are not alone. I think I know what you mean, it’s terrible….yes I think you are right it’s set up by the lack of empathy in your family, you get used to looking for something that does not exist, if you got it by he way would you know what to do with it?
my parents would cry about things that would happen in Hollywood and the news but when I cried they ignored me. I just was ashamed of feeling sad. Still am. So there. there is the weakness the P can hook onto.
I was searching for someone who loved me unconditionally and that’s what he acted out and because I do not know what real love is….and what it feels like I believed this P’s version of it….I do not believe someone who got the real version of unconditional love would tolerate a P for 5 minutes. But I know more about it now , and that’s good.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
stayingsane,
I would know what to do with it. I have gotten and given it to friends and animal my whole life.
ashamed of feeling sad -hmmm, will think on that one.
I am ashamed of the mess my life is in. deeply. and not having the resources to get out of it. My anxiety is through the roof. I see the desire to act out against myself coming up.
my downstairs neighbour, whose pot/cig smoking and compulsive spraying of febrreze is sending my chemical load over the edge, confronted me early this am about a lettter written to him about the smoke. it was unsigned – and he is systematically picking on the women in the building and accusing them of writing the letter.
he is a douchebag (my neighbor’s name for him….sigh she’s said it so many times now, it’s seeped into my mind). all slimey and smarmy – said he ‘got my letter’. told him i didn’t send the fucking letter. said he COOULD tell by my repsponse that I did. I said no, I am just sick of your douchebag behaviour. He kept at and I kept lobbing it back. fuckwad. I wish I would have said MORE. Wasn’t calm enough to use any of my newly understood spath gaslighting – but he sure did.
I have never been so angry and scared in life. (not of him – he is an idiot bully – I was putting gardening stuff away and had BRICKS in my hand. Um dude?) I am scared of my lack of resources, scared about my health and financial situation and how difficult i find difficult situations.
arggh, not helpign to write here – am aware that my anger levels are very high and i feel very isolated. just know that i am so much more than this. and i need to both sort it and forgive myself this horrible situation that i don’t seem able to fix.
i am in survival mode. there is flight. and there is fight.
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Stayingsane says:
anger levels high is normal. Of course anger levels are high. Be understanding of yourself. Have no shame about asking for help. Ask for support. Help. guidance and it will be showered on you. We have all been through shameful messes, felt anxiety and self hatred but if you can just stay here and vent, and let it out I won’t judge you and I wont abandon you whether you come back or not, or believe in human beings anymore or not…take a risk and just be yourself whatever that is. I hear you.
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sotired says:
I like this: Passing along from Kathleen Hawk’s blogs.
We thought we were brave, but I’ve come to think it’s braver to face the truth. Which, in our case, was a dance of the walking wounded. Facing truth can take romance out of a story, but facts may be more nourishing. Truth may lead to spontaneous forgiveness, as I forgave my old boyfriend and my mother. It also can show us that we did the best we could. We see the burdens we are carrying and the innocent and good soul who is trying to bear them.
Blaming ourselves is a function of anger. Realizing that we are not perfect, that we live with handicaps, is part of grieving and letting go. Facing it doesn’t mean we give up trying to heal. And forgiveness has nothing to do, ultimately, with the people we are forgiving. It is a choice of what we want to care about, what burdens we decide not to carry. Being mad at a sociopath for being a sociopath and exploiting or hurting us is like hating the sun for shining and giving us sunburn. Facing reality empowers us to deal with it. Wear sunscreen. Trust conditionally.
The best reason to invest in healing from unresolved trauma is because it is crippling. It blocks our ability to mature through experience. It constricts personality structure with fear-based blinders and self-limiting rules that should only be interim strategies, rough protections until we see through what happened. The more we understand the confluence of events, most of which had nothing to do with us, the more trauma tends to lose its glamour and terror. It becomes simply a variety of human experience that we integrate into our knowledge of the world. When we stop mistaking a snake for a goose, because we now know that snakes exist, life becomes that much easier, safer and richer.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
sotired, thank you for posting this here. crippling. my word now.
stayingsane, thanks for hearing my need for permission.
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libelle says:
Dear One step. I hear you. Your nick name is no coincidence, I think we choose it with our subconscious!
One step at a time!
First: get out! Go for a walk, feel your body, feel your feet one in front of the other. If you have not gotten your bl****dy boots, go clean the kitchen, one drawer after the other! Or the windows, or the bathroom, whatever. But DO something, get that energy OUT!
Second: do some inventory of edible things in your kitchen. There are wonderful recipes in the internet on old bread and apples baked together, or how about Spaghetti aglio/olio (garlic and oil, you do NOT need premium extra vergine stuff; when I was a student I lived for ages on it, just to save money.
(Are you entiteled to food stamps or the like?)
Three: go to bed early!
Four: stop beating yourself up!!!! (should really be First as well but goes as “basso continuo” throughout the whole thing) Why are you SO angry?
If it is because of yourself: stop it! It won’t get any better and you need this very helpful energy to accomplish something. You are invigorated right now. Use this force to clean up, garden, kitchen, whatever.
Then when your body has calmed down you can start to think about what train had hit you. Whom allowed you to go so deep into your soul to make you feel so angry?
I recommend you the series of Kathleen Hawk who helped me enormously finding the right words for my barely noticable feelings resurfacing from my deep burried soul that has been kept in a deep cellar since early childhood.
I personally was very happy when I FINALLY could experience SOME anger. (It needed my father today to getting angry at X! Remembering the “Escort”-letter I almost had forgotten)
Anger is wonderful.
The first two words I have learned when I came to England to learn English was the difference between shit and manure. There is none really, it depends on its use. Now you are in the shit-phase, and it is your task to find out where to put it or how to look at it that you can see the manure part.
My manure part was that X was opening my eyes to the whole transgressions my whole family was doing to me.
Today was a completely “normal” visit in my father’s eyes who wanted to invite me for lunch! (I declined the offer).
I also stopped feeling ashamed. The shame is also something that has been implanted by my family; I would have felt ashamed by my father’s behaviour towards me in front of the other woman 18 months ago, but I refused letting him implanting this feeling into me too. I just got rightfully angry and I even told him in front of this woman that he has to use my bathroom in such and such way, and that I am not amused of cleaning after him. The blame was all his, and the other woman said well it is mr Libelle we all know and cherish for what he is. So it was no big deal for her as well. But quite embarrassing as well.
I found out that lots of my inside myself packed shame stems from things like this, a constant irritation towards me being in charge of watching people who do horrible things and I am supposed to be part of the pack and smoothing it out and make them look good. Not any more!
If it was not for my progress I had made in the last 18 months I would have acted in a complete different way. I went to lunch and I had contacted X who FINALLY came to his senses!
You are not alone! There are tons of understanding, wonderful, empathic, great, clever, adorable people in all shapes and colors and time tables 24 hours here! Blog, vent, rant, whatever; this too will pass.
I will lit a candle for your inner peace now. (((Hugs)))
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one_step_at_a_time says:
libelle, Awesome post, ty. I am gonna go get out.
One of the huge issues is that my house is actually toxic to me, and i have to move AGAIN. (i lived 7 years in the same place before i moved to this city and have just moved in july to get away from the smoke seeping into the last place). my home is not safe. so, being here is in no way calming and i cannot nest. and the longer i am in the house, the more muddled my thinking is and getting out the door is harder.
okay, I am going to get out of here. ty.
one step
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one_step_at_a_time says:
and ty for the candle too.
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libelle says:
I just ment get out for a short walk, 15 minutes or so, not to MOVE!!! Move the body not the household! (I am sorry my English is so poor).
But what can you expect from someone whose first words in a foreign language are shit and manure?
ty = thank you?
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libelle says:
one of the wonderful entries Kathleen did in June 09 that became some kind of my inspiration:
“And sometimes it also offers us a gift of purpose. In my case and, in the case of several of us here on LoveFraud, our traumas have given us a clear sense of what we want to do with our lives.
I know I talk about God a lot here, and you probably know that my concept of God is not a traditional one. I depend much more on the God spark inside me than any idea of an big, external power. At the same time, I use my old Catholic upbringing to come up with some of the images I use in healing.
And one of those images is my soul standing at the door of life, giving God my laundry list of what I want to be born to. I wanted a family that was exceptionally smart, physically strong, good looking, born leaders and gifted in handling the materials of the world. And I got all that. It never occurred to me to ask that they were emotionally healthy and happy people.
But at the door, God said one thing to me as he sent me out to this life. It was that he had chosen something special for me, a big challenge and a chance to change the world for the better, if I could understand the meaning of that challenge. He said, “No matter what happens, you can always find the right path by asking yourself ‘what am I going to do with this?’ Everything you need is there. You just have to look at it all, and think about what good thing you can do with it.”
The more well I get, the more I realize that my whole life has been about that. And I think that’s true for everyone one of us. We just don’t see it that way when we feel overwhelmed by things that have happened to us. The sense of victimization is all about feeling like the world is big and strong, and we are small and weak. As we emerge from it into the simplicity of wounded innocence, we realize that we are simply learning and grasping again all that we have to work with.
And we go on, smarter and more resilient, to the next important “pleasure” in our lives and to meet the next learning experiences along the way. Because there is one more important thing about successful trauma processing, and that is our comfort and increasing speed with the process. The more we do this, the better we get, the faster we learn, the less it costs us, and the more quickly and effecting we can get back to setting our God sparks loose on creating more good in the world. ”
Have you all a peaceful sunday!
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justabouthealed says:
Oxy…I think the filmmaker was more than irritated with Sam…don’t you? I think he was profoundly shook up by him and had to end it early, and cleanse himself like a rape victim. But like you, I was only irritated. Maybe because I didn’t see the wife crying, falling apart, etc…though surely she must? I didn’t quite get her.
But watching also gave me this insight: If you know from the start what you are dealing with (as thoroughly as many on LF do), and you refuse to personalize it or take it seriously, then his tantrums and tricks etc are like watching a two year old in a grown man’s body. As long as they truly don’t have anything you need or want and you don’t personalize it, doesn’t hurt much. Just rather boring and tiresome. But Sam could get to the filmmaker….the filmmaker needed him for the film!
And unfortunately in most cases we don’t know what we are dealing with right from the start.
I think I would have been more sickened by Sam had his victims shown THEIR hurt more graphically. But it almost was as if everyone in the film KNEW what Sam was, but were chosing to interact with him anyway, but weren’t under the spell, not very much. Except the wife. Is she in denial still? That seemed to be what that one woman who tested her was saying. Must be, to still be with him!
I don’t know what the arms out of sync means in psychological terms… that maybe she is a misfit, won’t have a lot of friends? I picked her too, but I thought she just looked too happy or carefree….and that would put her at risk.
On the test where Sam flatlined….do you think he faked that? Purposefully shut off his feelings? I guess not, based on the other tests. I thought they would do a brain scan while he reacted to words like rape, blood, etc. that draw forth emotions in most of us, but not P’s. I wonder, with both tests, can a normal person make it flatline by choosing to shut off their feelings, esp. someone who came from an abusive background and knows how to disassociate? It seemed if the person learned to use the feedback to score higher, they could also purposefully choose not to score. Sam? Or was he really trying.
?
Anyway, if he wasn’t faking, that is what impressed me the most. They are truly emotionally retarded and it is very comparable to mental retardation. They act age inappropriate and the retardation can’t be fixed. Even if they try real hard.
The filmmaker’s final point is don’t listen to Sam’s advice about how to live your life! Amen to that.
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OxDrover says:
I got some information on that fMRI a research study about it probably not being valid. They did a scan of a DEAD FISH and got “reactions” from it. Of course the purpose of this “study” was to show that the scan isn’t all that reliable. so I do not know if the scan they did on Sam was reliable or not, or the one they did on her was reliable or not.
I think the BEHAVIOR and the answers to the tests were what showed for sure that he was a P.
I looked at the wife’s face as she watched those tapes of Sam insulting her and it was so filled with embarassment and pain I thought. Yea she is in denial or trauma bonded to him. Whatever, she sort of kinid of “knows” but she can’t leave him.
I think all or most of us here can identify with that stance of wanting him to love her back.
The “victim” woman just to me, and I can’t say why, seemed to be “walkign like she was defeated” or scared. That’s all I could pick up on.
Just like a dog shows fright by his body language I think we do too, show our fear or our timidity or whatever. It was interesting though.
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BloggerT7165 says:
I wouldn’t put much stock in the so called testing. From what I understand from talking to people who actually do them what we saw in the film was not a proper or valid way to do it.
The funny thing is that the challenge to his diploma has been ongoing for years and the “rebuttal” Donna posted was way before the film ever came out. It is amusing that he spent so much energy trying to prove through clever word use that his Phd was legit and then to turn around and admit it wasn’t on tape.
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libelle says:
I think he could admit to the fake PhD because it is a long time ago to him and it does not matter any more to him. He has it spread over on the Internet, and how many people are watching this film at all?
My father said to me that his PhD was also “substandard”, but he just did it, and so what! No big deal. That prompted me to set my own standards sky high, so I am still struggling with it, maybe my procrastination stems from there?
When I was in internship one of our surgeons once did an operation and put an anus praeter and led out the wrong part of the bowel, and the poor man died some day later, he was very ill anyway, but he could have been living some more time. I was present at the operation and wanted to ask the surgeon whether he could tell me why he was so sure of cutting the bowel in half and closing the one part and stitch the other part to the belly (it was the wrong part he closed so the man died of bowel obstruction). The surgeon was so ill tempered during the operation I just kept my mouth shot. In hindsight my question would have been very useful. From then on I kept asking and still keep asking, and I am not very much liked for it.
Fast forward some years: I am at a dinner table with said surgeon. He tells “funny stories about his wonderful life as a gifted physician”, and HE TELLS THIS VERY STORY as a fun thing!!! I really felt sick and had to leave early.
So twisted, we just can’t grasp their audacity, and I am glad I lack THIS hypertrophy of the part of the brain responsible for it.
As for the woman of Sam Vanking: I just felt pity for her. Specially when she said she gave up on love. She knows! But the same time this part of Europe where she comes from is one of the poorest in Europe, and there are lots and lots of beautiful young women trying to go “Gold digging”, and after all he is famous, has a video done on him, maybe he is also rich, he is AMERICAN, and she is not so young any more, and leaving him would mean falling back into poverty. I found this part of the film really cruel towards her, confronting her with his ugly statements towards her.
The neurologists in our hospital think not too well about this fMRI either! And it is not validated in repeated series, and we have to wait until it becomes a standard. Maybe our guts are more reliable in this perspective!?
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OxDrover says:
Dear Libelle and blogger,
Libelle I agree with your story about the surgeon and what he did. I’ve seen the same thing in hospitals where incompetent practioners where responsible for the death of patients and yet because they were physicians nothing was ever done to them because of teh status of the people who were “whistle blowers” was lower than the physicians so the administration always took the part of defending the physician. The deaths were “covered up” as “natural causes” not from the wrong medication or an obvious but missed diagnosis because the physician was an “idiot.”
There is an old nurse’s joke “What do you call the physician who finished LAST IN HIS CLASS”—the answer is DOCTOR of course. As a lowly intern there was nothing you could have done, I suspect. There have been few times I was successful in confronting (even tactfully) a physican who was responsible for the deaths of patients by pure stupidity and poor skills, though I did get one jerked up to the ethics committee of the hospital because the medical director over my unit was also chairman of that committee and I could freely go to him with the truth. It didn’t happen often though.
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Stayingsane says:
This woman Lydia has been with Sam for 10 years!
She does not seem beaten or traumatised. She is very clear, appears fit, strong and content to be with him TO THE CAMERA
On leaving the film maker she showed no sign of emotion on saying goodbye, no embarrassment at the antics of Sam to the film maker who really appears to be the one who is traumatised and impacted on….
The film maker tried to tell her what he was saying about her to camera, and she showed no shock, didn’t seem upset.
The only thing I can think of is betrayal bond. He has her in his grip and she dares not leave him.
the crumbs he dishes out are sufficient for her to stay? she said he shares with her and shows her intimacy, he allows her be very intimate with him? or he allows her think that he is very intimate with her, he knows how important that would be in keeping her….why would he want to keep her? he is fond of her? loves her in his psychopathic way? he actually said it
He said if you bully somone in tiny doses, they only need a tiny amount and they do the rest themselves….it’s so creepy.
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aussiegirl says:
I have my own copy of this documentary. I keep it to remind myself that they are not human so that I don’t ever fall back into feeling sorry for them again.
Watching it makes my stomach feel cold and my palms sweat.
Yukkkkkkkk!
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Ox Drover says:
Watching it once was enough for me. I’m with the producer of the film, I am not sure I could have stayed to finish it, he has my admiration for completing the film, but it leaves you feeling somehow slimed or dirty just by association with these people.
Sam V is particularly noxious to me, reminds me too much of my P-sperm donor with his attitude I think.
His self promotion as an expert (“his own lab rat!” I like that!) is laughable really! But while laughable, it is NOT funny. Yukkkkk! I need to take a shower after even thinking about him!
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Hopeforjoy says:
After reading these posts I watched the movie, I Psychopath. What struck me as nausiating was how Sam V. turned the conversation around and used truth with lies to get his way. He said some of the exact same things that h-spath says when making a point. It’s not what they say but how they say it. Word salad.
Now that I see through all the bs I can’t believe that I was a victim for so long. What was wrong with me that I allowed someone to warp my reality. They have an eerie pull, a magnetism that can be exciting and draw you in. And mine is so intelligent that I would automatically think there was something deficient in me. Why could I not trust him? Why was I jealous and did not want him to play in a band in bars?
He used all this against me, to make me into the bad guy. I was insecure and he used that to pound me into the ground. He is evil and has no conscience. Finally, when I step back and look at his range of emotion, it is stunted and not there. He copies other peoples emotions. He likes to laugh and have a good time but there is no true emotion.
He would question if I really loved him, said he couldn’t feel it. Me trying to prove that I really do love him so often but he will never feel it. This is proof to me of what he is, he knows there is something wrong with him but can’t fix it. I wonder how I got myself into this situation and will I ever trust anyone again.
They are absolute crap, every molecule in their fake bodies is made up of crap. Like Aussie girl said, we dig ourselves out of that pile of rocks but it is tedious work. I’m looking ahead when I see myself standing far from the pile of rocks just thankful to be out and safe.
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Siblinghell says:
I found Sam to be unattractive also. I think that is good though, If he were more attractive he would have been (and still be) more dangerous. He would have been more successful at staying out of jail. I mention this because my brother ( the tox ) is not as unattractive as Sam, but shares Sam’s skill at the disorienting behavior. The segment in the last part (part 5 of 5 on you tube) about him describing the bullying technique of using your own adrenline to mess you up, like a spider injecting a disabling, but not lethal poison in it’s victim. My tox brother does that. I saw what my brother did to me for four years in that moment of his description. It was those sessions that prompted me to my grand search for answers that lead me to the documentary. Let’s be glad for Vaknin’s unattractiveness that lead him to his current path and provide good insights to so many. And let’s be glad that we are smart enough not to put our selves in harms way with him. I have not bought or read his book. He is a little to proud of his book based on the price being so much more expensive than all the others on the subject (or most subjects for that matter). I tried to find it in the library, but some tox had stolen it!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
hopeforjoy – you said:’He would question if I really loved him, said he couldn’t feel it. ‘
bwahaaaha….of course he couldn’t: no receptors!
it’s good to hear the boundary-making anger in your posts. i hope you are in the home stretch of a spath free home. it’s going to get weirder, but you can handle it. just as he has pulled back on the love bomb and has gone to nasty, expect it to change again when he sees that he really IS leaving….
happy towanda and a spath free new year!
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