Thanksgiving—count your blessings
PDF By Ox Drover
I’m sure we have all heard the old saying, “I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.” This “old saying” is true, though I think it is made up to inspire some guilt in us for complaining about the small things we lack and make us aware that we are fortunate to have the many blessings that we do have, which many others are not fortunate enough to have.
Another one I remember is, “Eat your vegetables; there are children starving in China.” I always wondered why I couldn’t just send the hated vegetables there instead of eating them. It would solve two problems: I wouldn’t have to eat them, and the kids in China would be grateful for them. My son D has turned this phrase around to joke, “Drink your beer, there are sober children in China.”
All jokes and platitudes aside, however, the feeling of gratitude for what blessings we do have is, I think, an important concept for our healing. The encounters with sociopaths, sometimes for decades, have given us a feeling of destitution and emotional poverty. The thing that we prized and valued most—the love that we thought was shared between us and the sociopath—turned out to be an illusion. We have lost this vision of the relationship we thought was so important.
When my kids were very little, if one had a birthday, we would get the other one a “consolation present.” It was never as big as the birthday boy’s present, but it was a token to show that the non-birthday boy was not forgotten. One year when they were about four and three, we forgot to get the non-birthday boy something, and so my mother wrapped up a nice new shirt in a package, since the non-birthday boy did like clothes very much. When it came his turn to open his package he was all smiles, expecting some sort of toy I am sure. When he saw that his expectations were dashed and he had clothing, however, his little face fell. He had not gotten what he had expected. I was gratified, though, that he looked up, almost ready to cry I think, and said the most pitiful “thank you” that I have ever seen a child force from his lips.
Our expectations of our relationship many times turn out to be like my son’s expectations of what was in his package, very disappointing. Sometimes even devastation follows the exposure of the one-sidedness of the true relationship, with emotional, physical and/or financial abuse as well.
Walking down the street and seeing another couple holding hands, we may start to have a feeling that only we are alone, only we don’t have someone who wants to hold our hand. This feeling of “poverty,” of “not having” what others have, I think, fuels our feelings of worthlessness, abandonment and sadness, and the loneliness of wishing we had the relationship we thought we had. We feel deprived of what we deserve by someone else, or feel that maybe we don’t deserve more, or that we got what we deserved and if we had only worked harder, we might have managed to make it come true.
I think those feelings of deprivation, those feelings of poverty of spirit and soul, tend to drag us down further into the abyss of failure—a failure that keeps us from appreciating what we do have. A failure to appreciate just how important we are, and also a failure to appreciate that we have escaped the clutches of a bad relationship, even if that escape was painful.
The appreciation of ourselves, of our unique value and worth, is important to healing. To appreciate ourselves, I think we need to look at ourselves on this (U.S.) holiday of Thanksgiving and to enumerate and validate the many things about ourselves we do have to be thankful for. We need to count our blessings, and assess the many valuable characteristics that make us who we are.
Even if we have lost our “shoes” we still have our “feet” and while we may feel that we don’t have “as much as” someone else, we still have something that cannot be taken away from us, and that is the unique spirit that is ours and ours alone. The unique spirit that can be grateful and give thanks to the universe for new opportunities to expand that spirit in new ways we’ve never before explored.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
henry says:
EyesWideShut – Thank you for sharing your new found strength, this makes me smile
– when in court just think of your LF friends – we got your back! Towanda…
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Matt says:
ErinBrock:
Damn. I’ve lost my post to you twice now. Anyhow, regarding “disposing” of S’s golfclubs, jetski, cookbooks, etc.
First, do you know what rock he has been hiding under/living? If so, send him a certified letter telling him he has 30 days to come and get it or you will dispose of it.
Second, if you don’t know where he is living, the general rule is that you have to run a classfied ad, once a week for 4 weeks in a newspaper of general circulation. If you have an idea of where he is hiding, use that paper. IF not, use a major paper in your area.
Third, since the judge who handled your divorce was so impressed with your presentation in court, why not go see his clerk of court and ask if the judge could meet with you for “clarification” on this issue in his divorce decree. Something tells me he would love this. Also, ask the clerk, in advance of the meeting, if you need to have an order drafted for the judge to sign. This would be fairly easy for you to work up, based on your legal proficiency.
Now, if you got the judge to give you clarification, especially if he signs an order, you could really have some fun. Like selling the golf clubs for a buck, the jet ski for a buck, the cookbooks for 25 cents each. Alternatively, does he owe you any money under the decree which hasn’t been settled on you yet, or does he owe you for any bills he hasn’t satisfied? If so, I’d alert the judge to this and ask him if you can retitle the jet ski to you.
Hope this helps.
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ErinBrock says:
Matt:
Thanks for the input……
And thanks for writing it three times…….
I have an ‘idea’ on where he is……and I believe he will be back in my area soon…..
BUT…the last known mailing address is all I have been provided and that was in May.
I think I would rather he not know I know where he is ….As he thinks he’s being sly and hiding out….He thinks I think he is still in Fl……
Damn….for a non working, ‘broke’ guy…..he sure get’s around…..
I guess most people would collect any belongings……right away huh? Not a Sociopath…cuz it leaves a door open.
I want to slam that door shut on any fingers he has left from our divorce!!!
You think he’d learn huh???
FUCKER!
I think I will contact the clerk….it might be nice to see the judge again!
No he doesn’t owe me any money……I took care of that in the property settlement……
I KNEW I wouldn’t see anything payment wise…..so I just took everything except the cookbooks etc..!!!
Every time I think of that it cracks me up!!!!
Thanks Matt!
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ErinBrock says:
Anyone need some cookbooks?
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Spirit40 says:
Matt: thanks for the response before this is my post to you… about grandparents ….Thanks MATT,
background my S, Narc, P wutever I call him, first he is adopted, I suspect one or both of his parents adoptive are narc, because of the abuse he suffered as a child and the way he treated me , and the little I know about them. Second the P is not on the birth certificate (wasnt around to sign it) legally where I was living I couldnt list him its a blessing in diguse because I was trying to all those drugs they gave me I was a little tipsy LOL ..
Third they have like he squirmed their way into our lives, I choose not to have them in our lives over 10 years ago..because I do go by my instincts and these people have not changed. They are cold to me but want at my child.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
erinbrock,
you made me laugh aloud, ty!
Nice to see someone else with my fondness for the word fucker.
one step
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Spirit40 says:
Anyone ???
Now they do not call me but send my child emails like this one since the NC….
Grandson:
Haven’t heard from you for quite a while..Hope all is well and hope that you’ll enjoy this one ..Kinda Neat don’t you think? Hope to hear from you and if you would prefer to call rather than send me an e-mail you can always call me on my cell phone at (555) 555-5555
Love Grandpa
Then he emailed me a week later … when he already had heard from P’s sister his daughter what the deal was or what the P told them.
We never speak to these people??
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Spirit40 says:
my email to him after reading this :
Please do not contact my son via email . If you want information on how we/ he is doing you can call me yourself.
–
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ErinBrock says:
One: it’s the only name that fit’s! I use it only from the depths of my heart!
If you knew me ‘for reals’…..I can be a trucker…..sometimes a sailor…..but always a BITCH!
Spirit:
My kids G. mother called on Thanksgiving….she never had their cells (she’s not been in thier lives since the youngest was 5)…..called my daughter…but my kids are old enough to know the con…..they look at me wierd and roll their eyes….as they hand the phone to ME!
Then they put it together ALL ON THEIR OWN!
Somethings brewing…..this is what it tells me….whenever any of us hears from the ‘other camp’.
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Spirit40 says:
They do not contact me only my son via email first then me since he rarely answers the grandpa he dosent know or really love vice versa???
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ErinBrock says:
It just dawned on me….
You know my whole garage is filled with Soc #1 and (business) Soc #2 belongings…..
HOW FANTASTIC IS THAT!!!! Maybe I should invite them to the Garage sale! AND HAVE THEM SERVED THEN!!!!
I just met with the next victim today, of Soc #2. She was amazed at all the stuff I had seized…..she laughed….I gave her some of the Soc #2′s wifes shoes and tops……we had a good laugh…….
We are ‘teaming’ up to get this couple, along with the ex wife…….maybe we can all wear the sociopaths garments and jewelry to court that day!
I know we won’t get money…..but an arrest warrant is fine with me…..and turning over all documents to the ex wife to protect her kids will be ‘pay’ enough……oh yeah…..and the report of fraud to homeland securtiy to revoke the VISA of the GF (soc #3)……and the show of bounced checks to deny entry to MIL into the country……shall I continue…..
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ErinBrock says:
Their digging……
Play along if you need any info, but never give any out…….but keep the kids out of it if you can.
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Spirit40 says:
The P is staying with his friend… who is gay… I suspect something is going on between them… I have emails etc that I found I am am thinking he is bi-sexual….. and this guy threatened me over the phone this evening….I am really pissed off now….. his new victim is victimizing me one minute telling me he loves the P but nothing happened the next minute he writes that maybe something happened but ….. the P is using both of us and probably sitting back and laughing as he does like he is psychotic only when he is drinking…. I do not want or need to be threatened… what can or should I do … and yes I have to admit I was the one calling the P ……
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ErinBrock says:
NO CONTACT WITH EITHER!!!!
Period!
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Spirit40 says:
Thanks EB =)
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Hi Spirit40,
we haven’t been introduced yet; I am new here and just coming to terms with what has happened in my life is that a spath targeted me.
i have come to realize that my spath spent a LOT of time playing people off against one another, and being jazzed up by it no doubt. (in some of her incarnations, there were many (phone and internet) she would chatise people for engaging in the dynamics she set up.)
I don’t know the extent of it yet, but the longer i am away the more i realize that this playing was her FUN. It’s not real, it’s all just the spath play.
the fact that his friend is gay is a diversion, don’t get caught up in figuring out his orientation – he is a spath, which means his ‘orientation ‘ is ‘anyone handy’.
don’t pick up the phone agian. k? do some things you know will strengthen you, like you did by writing here.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
oops, fogot a couple of words: disengage. he’s messing with you.
i don’t know your situation, this reply is just to your above post.
one step.
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Spirit40 says:
Thanks one step…. I think I should also change my #’s … will be moving soon too that should help! a new place … new start…Thanks everyone….=) EB, One step…… time for some zzzz’s hopefully….
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Rosa says:
Witsend:
Yes, I talk to my Mom everyday about the situation with my brother’s wife. We both love that child very much.
I have given her info. to read from this website, and I have read parts of books to her. So, she understands what a sociopath is. And she knows her DIL is one sick puppy.
Her boyfriend….that’s another story.
I have also given my brother info. to read, but I am not sure how much he has read, if at all. He seems to have moments of clarity, but then he slips back into the FOG again.
And, like I said, my Mom is clueless about her boyfriend.
He proposed marraige during the first 6 weeks of dating, thinks he’s still in high school, gave her a STD, and tried to get her to put all of his Christmas purchases on her credit card, because his credit is no good.
How many red flags do you need?
The guy’s a freaking sociopath.
But, she still thinks he’s sweet.
She almost threw him out once when he moved in with her, which was his ultimate goal. She told him he would have to move back to his place, or it was not going to work out. So, he moved back to his place.
He does not have cable at his place, because he watches TV at my Mom’s house. He loves to watch TV at my Mom’s house, showers there, sleeps there.
I am glad they are not living together, though.
(My eyes are rolling here).
She complained about him to me a few times, and I told her, “He’s showing you who he really is here. Ditch him. His ‘I love you’ talk is bull shit.”
Then, she gets annoyed with me. It’s the classic triangle situation we always talk about.
It is not a coincidence that my family members are attracting these types of personalities, either.
There are traits within my family that make us prime targets for sociopaths.
One example, I was raised to put others before myself. I was told that it is gracious and classy to put others first.
“It shows good character”, I was told.
That’s all well and good, unless you are dealing with a sociopath.
The bottom line is I am the only one in my family who is educating myself on personality disorders and working on my inner landscape, so I do not fall for these types of predators again.
It’s very difficult to get other people to become aware and look inside themselves if they are in denial about whether they even have a problem to begin with.
I will do whatever I can for the child caught in the middle of this mess, and I will leave the rest up to GOD.
~I do not have the book YET. But, I will probably get a gift certificate for Christmas. Anyone who knows me knows I love to read.
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witsend says:
Rosa,
It is hard to help anyone become “aware” of this, if they have not encountered it personally….That is what I am finding in my circle of friends and people I come in contact with.
I think alot of it has to do with television. Almost everyone watches TV to some degree. And almost everyone has seen a dateline show or a 20/20 show that portrays a very “sick” individual who is a pedophile, domestic abuser, serial rapist, child abuser, well you get the picture….And even in many of these severe cases the word sociopath or psychopath is rarely used to describe these individuals.
Occasionally you hear the “word” used in murder cases. And sometimes on shows such as law and order.
Until people can “hear” this disorders NAME over and over again to define these people that are “high profile”
cases that make the TV headliner shows….It is going to be hard for them to ever understand the concept of the “Sociopath Next Door”.
I think most people can swallow this when trying to put a label on a serial killer….But old Joe who lives down the street who abuses his wife and kids (and fits the criteria of an S/P to a tee)…..Well he’s just got a “drinkin” problem.
I think it is even difficult for many to find a counselor or therapist that has GOOD background in these disorders.
I guess that is why so many people educate themselves here at LF.
We really do have our work cut out for us if we want to spread the word.
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Spirit40 says:
Wow in hindsight…. it seems like a ridiculous and vicious planned out methodical thing to do to someone, my P met his so called friend (a gay man) at work they both worked at a hotel years ago 2002….when he convinced me to move down here (he needed rescuing) I did and it quickly turned out badly he was married to a bi-sexual woman, and not sure what delusions he had but…he wanted me to marry his friend for money so that his friend could obtain a green card…. well of course I did not and then we ended up moving again…. out west where it got worse and I did end up with a restraining order on him … and fleeing ….yes this should have been a huge RED FLAG but as stoopid as I was then… did not see the whole picture of the manipulation con…..I really need to find a therapist who deals with these narcissist/P’s…. the last one as I wrote before did not and told me to stop calling him what he really is because I finally figured it out.
I am also going to speak to an attorney..if anything for my peace of mind….
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witsend says:
Rosa,
I just wanted to mention that when I looked at amozon for the book I told you about…When a stranger calls you mom.
It was very expensive. . I wanted to buy my own copy.
However if you google the title, I found the author has a website and the book can be purchased for 24.95.
Just wanted to make sure that you saw this.
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Rosa says:
Witsend:
Thank you for that information about the book!
I saw how expensive it was on Amazon, and I have never paid that much for a book.
So, I was hoping I could find it somewhere for less $$.
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witsend says:
Rosa,
Thats why I mentioned it! Gosh I have never even paid the 24.95 price in the last few years.
Usually I buy a creased pages or gently used book and they are so cheap on Amozon…
I do NOT know why this one list on amozon as so expensive?
However it is worth the 24.95 price in my opinion. As the info I read in this book isn’t stuff I have read in other books.
And I really think it might be helpful in your situation with your niece being so young.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
TO EVERYONE! UH HUH, I MEAN YOU!!!
I went out with an old friend last night, someone I hadn’t seen in over 30 years.
Although I didn’t mention my experience with the spath, it did intrude on my consciousness from time to time (including my asking a few times, ‘oh, what do you mean by that’? LOL).
On the way home from a really nice evening, I thought about the fact that i feel hopeful about my ability to recalim the deep place that is the fertile ground where the spath planted her seeds. And I wondered why I feel hopeful now, given how despairing I had felt just recently.
And it is because of Lovefraud that I feel hopeful. Because of the people and the knowledge here. This is an outrageously intelligent and ‘with it’ crowd. And a compassionate, by and large, risk taking, writerly, curious, artistic, creative crowd. MY people. duped and healing. f*cking warriors!
I AM GRATEFUL, GRATEFUL, GRATEFUL. THANK YOU; EVERY ONE OF YOU, THANK YOU!
Best,
one step
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libelle says:
One,
same to you, and you are welcome! ((((Hugs))))
Seems to me you left the “sh%&/*ç@t” part of the experience and reached the fertile grounds where the MANURE is very helpful
! Might you flourish and be prosperous!
Congratulations and celebrations!!!
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