Don’t worry, post as much as you like! It helps.

There are several threads here on how there is collatteral damage to friendships and relationships, and that is just how it is.

When people try to talk to you about him or give you information state to them “I really do not want to talk about my former relationship with John” if they insist, then WALK away. That still will not keep these people from telling him about you! I think what you are already saying is okay too. They are NOT going to ‘get it” anyway.

Many of us have found it is just easier to delete these people.

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Focus your energy on what you can control and let the rest go. Draw two circles. Label one “in my control” . Label the other “out of my control”. The stuff that is in “out of my control”…let it go!

One thing that is within your control is knowing what is on his fb page. Block him (he won’t receive any notification….if he looks for your page, it appears you deleted your account) and stop being interested in what he is doing or saying. Is there some creep from grade school or high school that you would rather puke than know anything about them? Picture that person sitting on a bench, and put this guy (in your mind) right next to that person. Let those feelings of “get off my planet, I never want to see you, yuck!” that you feel for the creep transfer to this guy. So that you no longer want justice, you no longer want revenge, you no longer care what others think of him, you just want him GONE.

When (and it actually rarely happens) someone says something nice to me about a P/n or “why won’t you be friends”, I just say things like “why do you ask?” or “Just not someone I want in my life and that’s all I will say” and I change the subject.

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I just have one thing I’d really like to share experiences with people about and that’s the aftermath of the S N or P on one’s ability to get out and about and have a normal social life/family life.

One thing I’m thinking about here is that in weaker moments I have Facebook stalked my ex. I really try not to do this, but I’m sure you’ll all appreciate the temptation to do this sometimes.

My exN is a total Facebook ‘tart’ and has around 600 Facebook ‘friends’. He’s also got about 700 photos on his site of him at parties/social gatherings and whatever.

I also have a ‘thing’ about Facebook – because it was a total instrument of fear for me – exN ‘cheated’ extensively on-line using FB chat and flirt applications and this caused many, many rows between us. (Oh yeah, MAJOR RED FLAG boys n girls).

ExN was ar eal social chameleon when we were together. Great efforts made to get to the next party- then when at the party going round the whole room and flinging his arms around whoever would let him and taking cheesy pictures to ‘seal the deal’. He DJ’s so goes to a lot of clubs etc as part of that.

To give exN credit he’s an accomplished social ‘slimer’ and good at networking/meeting strangers. Also he’s model good-looking and I noticed lots of women enjoyed having a link to his photo as he ‘looks like’ a very attractive fellow indeed. (A true Dorian Grey type!!!)

Me – well I’ve got around 70 people on FB – actually I never really post much on there because of my job and need to actively keep information out of the public domain that could be used by some of my more dangerous clients if I’m not careful. I have been subjected to death-threats by clients in cases where ‘at risk’ children have been taken into care. But that’s a whole ‘nother story.

Anyway. This has been a source of such low self-esteem for me. Logically I know that my choices are for good reasons and that there’s nothing wrong with a bit of mystery. Logically I know that having 2 or 3 good friends who you really love is a kind of gold that NPD ex will never experience. But still, society seems to love FB culture and the whole world seems to be run by narcissistic thinking sometimes.

ExN would always use my FB presence to belittle me and try to make me feel like a ‘loser’. I guess what I hate is that his whole ‘you’re so unpopular’ mantra sticks a bit even though I don’t want it too!!!!!

Also there’s loads of people in real life, whom I would potentially have been friends with in other circumstances that we met whilst we were together. He would ‘claim’ everyone that we met together as ‘his friends’ and even try to take over long-standing friendships of mine.

When it comes to people we ‘both know’ I avoid them like the plague because in their ignorance of N’s S’s & P’s they can’t help but be duped into feeding exN titbits of information and I want total no contact – not even him knowing anything at all about me or my new life.

People just DON’T GET IT. They believe him when he says he just ‘wants to know I’m okay’ and they fall into his manipulations sooner or later. Many people I knew in the past have complained that I’ve rejected them and been cold to them without being able to believe me as to why I ‘have to’ keep away from them if I’ve ever tried to explain.

I tried to keep 3 of the friends who were most special to me, but of course when he sensed this he went all out into attack to ‘claim them as his’ and manipulate both them and me in really negative ways. All the time saying he ‘doesn’t understand why I don’t want to hang out with him’ as he ‘wants to be my friend etc etc’. ARRRGH

The only bright spot is that a couple of people I haven’t spoken to for a couple of years recently got back in touch saying ‘wow we miss you etc’. It may be dawning on them that they’ve been duped and it’s flattering to hear they miss me. Still I know I can’t really hang out with them, they still insist that exN is basically an ‘ok’ person though with a few flaws and that he genuinely wants to be friends with me.

I’m so fed up so have to restrict my life all the time! It’s become so that paranoia and restricting my life have become a habit. I’ve moved town, jobs, changed my entire social circle – but he still finds ways to try to vicariously control or manipulate me!!!!!! It’s bad enough the restrictions that ‘the job’ places, without this too!

I mentioned today that been out quite a lot recently and will soon be ‘touring’ with the band I’m in – really nothing fancy at all. A mutual ‘friend’ says he’s well aware of our band doing reasonably well and is wanting to turn up to one of my gigs. He knows him turning up at a gig would tick me off to the max. He knows that even this friend talking about him possibly coming would be totally unwelcome and upsetting to me. Darn and blast him. I told the friend that I can’t prevent him turning up but that there will be trouble ‘for him’ if he showed up. I told her she didn’t need to understand anything else except my take my word for it.

I love my band – I love creating music and having ‘a voice’. I’ve even written some songs about the experience, I love being part of the band and the ‘rising like a phoenix’ which this represents to me. I’m going to have to resolve this ‘public/private’ thing somehow it’s quite a dilemma for me.

And I was doing so well today! Do they have some kind of psychic radar for knowing when you’re ridding your energy field of their toxic presence & b/s!!!!????

Ta everyone

Delta 1

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Delta1

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Here they are again …

http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/

http://www.pathways-to-peace.com/

To this day, any time I need a pick me up to focus on the positives of life, I view them.

If the links don’t work directly from this site, copy and paste them into your search engine … and remember, turn your speakers on.

Peace, Love and BIG HUGS.

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I’m much happier and less conflicted around the CP/professional issues which I raised here already which I hadn’t felt able to properly discuss with anyone before. I have been reading Liane Leedon’s story and those of other therapists/caring professionals on LF.

Also less conflicted about the decision to report the exN and his mother for crimes I knew they’d committed.

These chats with other LF people led to to think ‘oh blast it all’ and I made a whole load of social plans that I’d been putting off. This was great as I’ve been to at least 3 social gatherings since my first post to the site and I’ve genuinely been having a good time too!

Thanks guys!!

Delta1

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Hope you can view this wmv … you will need to cut and paste this link into your search engine to view.

captain_win_wmv

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I still play these over and over again to calm my waters …

http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/

http://www.pathways-to-peace.com/

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