Recovering from a sociopath: acceptance and focusing on now
PDF Lovefraud has heard from a woman who we’ll call “Sally.” Sally is dealing with a sociopathic man who threatened to kill her, sabotage her daughter’s career and injure other family members. She says law enforcement either doesn’t believe her or doesn’t care.
Sally has been in touch with another of the sociopath’s victims, and they’ve helped each other through the nightmare. Still, people in regular support groups don’t believe them, and friends and family members have backed away. A lawyer and a therapist have backed away.
Sally recently sent Lovefraud the following e-mail:
You just can’t imagine this, because I can’t either. The person that was me is gone … and no one has taken her place.
I know who I was with all my faults and history … I was comfortable there. I guess this is a journey … but to where I don’t know. There is no light.
For 62 years I was me and now I am gone. What will I be? Will I be able to live with who I end up being?
I’m sitting in my living room and I am crying and I don’t know why. For the loss of hope? For fear? Fear of the future … for breast cancer … for the loss of my two best friends? For being stupid? For losing my children? And I am responsible for these losses.
I am dull, I am inert. I fill my head with senseless TV – I don’t know what I’m watching.
I want to dance and sing and laugh. I want to ride bareback thru the fields and listen to the silence.
But I will do none of those things. They’re only dreams. I am too tired. They are too far away from my new reality. Reality is my home, my prison, the awake hours. My routine – sleep as long as I can – take pills to help me not to have panic attacks – sometimes I eat. Day is night, and night is day … there’s no difference anymore.
I am smothered in sadness – and I am so angry, at myself.
I used to accomplish so much in a day and now it can all wait for another day.
I remember the hopelessness. I remember feeling that I had nothing to hold on to, that everything I knew was gone. I had no plans for the future, no idea of what was to become of me.
And I remember coming to terms with it.
How can you possibly come to terms with the devastation wrought by a sociopath? My healing involved two related and intertwined adjustments in my thinking.
Acceptance
The first adjustment was that I had to accept what happened.
Everything I was told by my sociopathic ex-husband was a lie. I had been deceived, swindled and betrayed. He had convinced me to spend all of my money, and go into debt, to support his grandiose plans. I’d neglected my own business to participate in his schemes. I’d won a judgment against my ex in court, but it was useless. I’d spent money I didn’t have on collection agencies and lawyers, and came up empty. I would not get any satisfaction from my ex.
I was broke and had no prospects for stable income. I did not know how I would survive, and I couldn’t argue with my circumstances any longer. The day finally came when I had to accept that, for the time being, this was my life.
Present moment
The second adjustment in my thinking was to focus on the present moment.
We all spend a lot of time reliving the past and projecting into the future. We ruminate over everything that happened with the sociopath. We worry about what will happen to our jobs, our kids, our homes.
Although this is legitimate, the only place where we truly live is right now, in the present moment. We can only take action now. So much like recovering from an addiction, we have to take our lives one day at a time.
It’s not easy. We want to know that we’ll be okay. We want to know how everything will work out. But I learned that if we give up our expectations of what ought to be, life can bring us wonderful solutions that we didn’t even think of.
This is one of the big themes in my book, Love Fraud—How My Marriage to a Sociopath Fulfilled My Spiritual Plan, which will be published in the spring.
Suggestions for Sally
So what should Sally do? From her letter, it sounds like she is suffering from depression. This is no surprise. We all know that the devastation wrought by sociopaths, and the callous response of the legal and financial systems, can leave us depressed.
Maybe Sally is strong enough to cope with the depression on her own. But if she feels like she needs assistance, that’s one step that she can take right now, today—seeking treatment for depression.
It would be a step towards her healing. For Sally to continue to move forward, I lovingly suggest the approach that I outline here—accepting what has happened, and focusing on one day at a time.
It’s not easy. Accepting what has happened leads us to grief over what we have lost. The grief needs to be processed, and it’s not fun. Actually, that may be where Sally is right now. There’s no way to avoid the pain; we have no choice but to move through it. But it does come to an end.
The process is much more manageable if we only deal with this day, or perhaps this hour. For Sally to try to sort out the rest of her life right now would be impossible, and probably counterproductive.
Sally has dreams. She wants to sing and dance and ride bareback through the fields, listening to the silence. Sally should hold on to her dreams, even though, at this point, she does not know how they will be realized.
Right now she’s moving through the rough patch. But each day moves her one day closer to the possible fulfillment of her dreams. All she has to do is hold on, and gradually, her ability to accomplish will return.
Who will she be? An even better version of who she was.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
carla says:
I thought my sociopath was a answer to my prayers and God’s will when he asked me to marry him. My father had just died and my mother was dying of cancer. She died early in our marriage. I felt like it was God’s grace to give me something life-giving. It ended up being life-stealing. Has anyone else lost their belief in God after learning that there could be such exploitive people with no remorse, manipulation, no empathy, no control, and destroy anything in their path for pleasure WITHOUT being criminal (as husbands, fathers, respected professionals)??? I once felt God’s presence.Now not at all. Can I go back? I dont’ pray anymore. Like Sally the legal and counseling profession failed me. I wonder if I will ever believe and have faith again.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Carla,
I grew up in a fundamentalist version of Christianity and believed in God but had no true relationship with this “angry, vengeful” god, actually my encounters with all the psychopathis in my family, my egg donor, my P offspring, and one with a P man I dated after my husband died, and actually, I feel closer to God than ever before. It is not the same “vision” of God I had before, but instead a loving father.
The Bible doesn’t promise us a life of smooth sailing, but if we weather the storms, the landing is promised. Looking back through the Bible and reading it with “different eyes” than the filter that my family (primarily my mother) had given to the stories in the Bible4, I was able to see theose same stories in a different light.
“Forgiveness” no longer mean that I had to TRUST those people again, read the story of Joseph–he didn’t trust his brothers until he had TESTEd them to find out what kind of men they had become, but he had “forgiven” them years before he saw them again.
My views on a great many things about the stories told in the Bible changed. I saw that both Jesus and St. Paul talked about us NOT associating with evil people, and especially those within the church itself, to treat them like infidels, like strangers, like heatherns. That sounds like NC to me.
We are told to be as wise as serpents and as gentle as a dove. Being wise to me means realizing what someone’s motive is, or that they are up to something. What good is wisdom if we don’t use it to protect ourselves.
No, Carla, I believe that we get opportunities for lessons that we need to learn, and sometimes those lessons may feel like we are being punished or not cared about by God, but just as our own children may think we are being “mean” when we teach them things, we may perceive God as being “mean” or uncaring to us, but I have not only restored my faith in God but have increased it. I realized that I have depended on myself to “fix” things I should have walked away from if I had “listened” to the wisdom in the Bible.
Just as we are commanded to pray for those that persecute us. I obeyed that but I did not mean a single word of those prayers for my egg donor or my son who tried to kill me. By making myself say those words though, it helped me to truly get the bitterness out of my heart and to really forgive them, but trust them? Not on your life! I know what they are, and what they will do. Their hearts are hard and evil and I can see the evil fruit that falls around their feet. If the fruit is evil, so is the tree.
God bless you, Carla. ((((Hugs)))))
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Twice Betrayed says:
good grief; I too would LOVE to believe my x’s apologies [both of them] but I ain’t buying. The answer to your question is NO they are not sincere. The ONLY time you will get a glimpse of the real them is when the curtain is pulled down….and the wizard is revealed cranking that machine that produces the noise, smoke and mirrors in the land of Oz. They know they are not sincere but they also buy into their own cons. Most cons can be conned and strangely it’s usually by their own type of cons. Their world is their own revolving around themselves and their images. The only time they appear to ‘come clean’ is when it is to their advantage. They like to have a normal person they can rely on so they can ‘see’ how they are appearing to the world as they really cannot grasp this since they are so deceiving and deceived. Your friend pointed this type of behavior out to your x….she ‘saw’ she looked badly….she apologized to keep her image ‘clean’ and then pats herself on the back for being ‘such a good little girl.’ *pat pat. This leaves the door open to you should she ever need to return for something. Leaving with no warning etc left you startled, off balance, wondering, and obsessing over her possible return….just what she wanted. She must apologize to keep the door always open….they never discard those they can still use. Think of it like a charm bracelet….you are now on there….a charm…not her favorite at the moment but nevertheless….a valuable charm she will never discard …..unless you should ‘fall off and be lost forever’ [you should wise up and walk].
or….she is a pop star and you are her manager or roadie…….your job is to attend her every want, desire and need….and then get the hell off the stage…IT’S SHOWTIME!
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Twice Betrayed says:
Oxy: excellent post.!! Ditto for my life.
*many times God tests our responses to a situation before answering our prayers. Also: it’s our fallen nature to only learn by experience hence many times God walks us THRU the fire instead of around it.=so we learn to trust Him and not ourselves. And most of the time….it’s failure to listen, obey and respond correctly to God’s Word. We build too close to the water and then wonder why the waves grow fierce and wash us away…….
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Twice Betrayed says:
good grief: oh yeah, any success stories on these people…[.hmmmmm....is Elvis really working at 7-11????]
That’s the lie the silver tongued beast always cons us with…..I AM THE EXCEPTION!
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banana says:
Alicia,
Keep calling the police. My attorney told me that, while they can’t always do something because no one things causes alarm they may get so tired of you that they finally do something with him just to quiet you. This happened to a client of hers in the past. The police said, “look we were getting so many calles, we had to do something.”
Also, I don’t know how you do it with 2 Ps living down the street. You sound like you are handling it very well.
I am proud of you!
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banana says:
Also,
Keep your faith in GOD. he IS here.
i know he is. call upon him. he will help you!
I too have had my low time when I knew I will never kill myself because I will not go to heaven. Also, my son would be stuck with his P father. Suicide is the most selfish act. it is only for yourself and not thinking of others.
Please stay strong. Strength will raise as we wait upon the lord!!!
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Lily says:
I’m actually the “Sally” of this article but I was having login problem so I had to change my name to get a new password & so now I’m Lily. I hope that’s not too confusing.
ALL of your comments meant so much to me. I’ve read them over and over.
I’m going to try to live just for the hour. I’m trying to deal with this horror by writing. Just thank you so much for listening.
It’s almost the 1 yr. anniversary of when I tried to commit suicide. He had already isolated me from my children and friends. He wanted me to make him my power of attorney. He’s already taken most of my few assets. In my mind, and at that time, I truly believed if I were dead he’s have to leave my family alone and they could still benefit from what I had left. He found me the next morning – he was so angry at what I’d done that he kicked me in the hip and damaged the bursa sack. I was in the psyc. ward for 6 days. During that time he stole all my bank records, he discovered where my social security disability check was automatically deposited.
In a total fog I had to deal with this when I left the hospital 12/10 and discovered what had happened. Not to mention the anger and judgements of my grown children.
Two days before last Christmas I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had surgery in January. All is good – stage 1 – no lumph nodes involved. No chemo – just radiation. All during this time I was working on the banking and social security issues, getting a protective order, finding an attorney. My children had turned their backs on me which hurt more than I could ever express. To them, what I’d done was selfish and embarressing to them.
I’ve done everything I could think of to expose this horrible “person”. ATF/FBI/OSBI/Veterans Administration and many more have been brought in to this mess.
All my money has gone to lawyers. I live on social security disability and now my dear sister is picking up the tab of $210 per hr.
I could go on and on. It feels so awesome to get this off my back. Thank you for reading and understanding.
Here’s a good one. He’s sueing me for $10,000 for his pain and suffering!
I pray for the day when I can help you. You’ve made me understand there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
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geminigirl says:
Donna, Oxy, This lady is NOT our New Lily is she?I sent her a card today, and asked that it be re-directed if she was still in the convalescent home. Love, Gem.
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angie says:
Hi Good Grief,
From one naive,caring, soft heart to another believe me whan i say she does want something from you and she is not being sincere.
Please don’t make the same mistakes i have made in the past and put yourself through that heart ache and devastation all over again.
Just be strong and stand your ground,it is all worth is in the end. Trust me the more you read on sociopaths and with the help from everyone here at LF you will see the questions will get less,there will be no more need to find out why because the answers are all here.
There is no use in asking her or giving here the benefit of the doubt as all you will get in return is more heart ache and lies.
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pollyannanomore says:
Wonderful post Donna – thankyou – needed to read this today. Today is hard. Today is tough – today I almost smoked after 63 days of successful cold turkey. To those quitting – please go to this site and get some support in the way of videos … really helped me out
http://www.whyquit.com
and please be gentle with yourselves – we have all been through so much with these horrid relationships.
To Sally- I am so sorry for what you have gone through – blessings that your treatment seems a success – but what a journey through stress and extreme situations. We cannot heal your pain or give you back the time you lost, but we stand in understanding of your pain with you.
I was listening to a radio show the other night that said a major component of adult self esteem is when people trust in their own experience (which actually is the only experience we can ever truly know). The way adults GET this trust in their own experience is by having their experience VALIDATED in early childhood and throughout life. People who experience validation (who are LISTENED to and AFFIRMED for their perceptions) grow up trusting their own experience of life and therefore don’t grow up as people pleasers – depending on the responses of others to make their decisions about their own life. They understand that the only way to live life is through your own valid experience – what you want and don’t want, what feels good and what doesn’t, what they will accept and won’t accept.
I realise as so many others here I didn’t get that validation through childhood so grew up looking for signs in others as to what I should do rather than determining a life by my own rules. A difficult aspect of life after a socio / psychopath relationship is that it evokes the original wound of being hurt, abandoned and controlled through childhood by both parents. My father left when I was three and my mother had carte blanche with no witnesses, no family nearby and no mediators to step in on my behalf. She wasn’t cruel all the time, but I did experience emotional incest and poor atmospheres at home growing up. I felt guilty for my very existence. I see clearly the link that while the marriage wasn’t comfortable or healthy, the atmosphere and abuse were FAMILAR. So I can no longer tuck away the conditions that lead me to select this man and stay so long in such dreadful abuse.
To all new people and those who are stuggling today – I am sorry for all you suffered. I believe your story – the threads are so common here – money problems, lies, betrayal, distance, idealisation followed by devaluing. I hope posting here and reading brings you the comfort it does me as I go through the osychological states that are left in his wale. I hope it all moves you toward healing.
You may feel alone in your country where you are … but YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You have friends all around the world who understand what you are going through, care for your life, believe your story, and want only the best for you after this horrible experience.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Sally/Lily,
I’m glad that you are here, and glad that you are healing! The psychopath knows no shame! Suing you! Yea, right!
I’m glad that you are here this is a very comforting place, and there is a great deal of knowledge and wisdom here in the articles. I suggest as you have time that you go through the archives and read every article. Knowledge is power adn there is a great deal of strength and power in those articles if we just take them to heart!
There are wonderful bloggers here as well, who will validate your feelings which helps. In the end, we must validate our own feelings but while we are working on that it is good to know that there ar epeople who do understand the devestation of dealing with a psychopath. God bless and welcome!
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Cat says:
Dear Lily,
You already have helped many on here, including myself. Telling your story on here was a wonderful reminder of just how far a Path will go in order to get what they want. I’m not surprised he is suing you. That’s exactly the kind of thing they do, changing the whole story around to make themselves the victim. I too have children who are not speaking to me over my ex P. I can only trust and believe that God will help them see the whole picture. I have only been on LF for a short while and the help, knowledge and support I have received here is invaluable. I am slowly working my way through the articles on here. It’s a wonderful place with wonderful people who really understand.
Sending hugs and prayers,
Cat
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Twice Betrayed says:
The thing of it is; we want them to be sincere, remorseful and changed. And when we give them another chance [chance after chance] they appear changed long enough to get us in deep again and then bingo……the mask drops and here is the phantom keeping us in the dark…..”All I Want is Freedom” ……we start singing again. We are the ones that keep going back for more-buying the lies- moving on our emotions rather than our logic. I know it’s a war between what we feel and what we know….and emotions are strong and we usually yield to them. But, our survival depends on our logic winning because the emotions we are feeling are being manipulated by these insincere p’s=our emotions are real..but their’s are not. Just a hard cold fact. Ugly as it is….*sigh
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jofary says:
Carla,
Like you, I have three children (4, 6 and 11). Yes, I believed in God. In fact, I named my daughter (the middle child) “Faith” because despite all the hardship I’d gone through before with my first S hubby, and growing up with a N/S mother, I STILL had faith! Faith was my mantra. It was what kept me going.
But my second ex was even worse than the first. He used the Church to con me, to project my values back to me to get me to believe we were “best friends and soulmates.” He pretended he was a vegetarian because I was. He spoke about “integrity” being the most important characteristic to him because that was what was important to me. He claimed to have been abused by his former wife, too. He appeared to be loving, caring and gentle, both to myself and my young child from my first marriage.
Two years later, my life was well on its way to complete destruction. Jeckyll turned into Hyde.
The aftermath of his “breakup” with me included taking my home (gotten with MY credit and funds), sexually abusing our daughter who was 2 at the time, joining forces with my first ex to convince the court that I was a bitter, angry ex-wife (of course) and eliciting such a terrible smear campaign that it was impossible for me to stay in the same town. That’s only scratching the surface.
In order to survive and, more importantly, protect my daughter (since the “justice” system failed abysmally on that account), I had to spend almost $100K – all of it loans – so I could move 300km away and reduce his access as much as possible. I’m facing bankruptcy, it is unlikely I will ever own another home again, and I’m not young enough to save enough to retire. I will probably have to work until the day I drop dead. Far from the health nut I was before, I am now a drinker and smoker, deliberately, because I simply do not want to live longer than I have to. My future is bleak indeed, even with a best-case scenario of getting a fantastic paying job, which hasn’t happened yet. I don’t want to die homeless under a bridge but that is a very realistic possibility now.
And where is God? I prayed about this man, asking God for guidance. There was nothing and I listened hard, believe me. Not only did this man turn out to be a bona fide loser, but he is the epitome of EVIL. Worse, I’ve made him an even BETTER sociopath by fighting him as hard as I have for my daughter’s sake. He’s in a higher socio-economic class now (thanks entirely to me) and is now able to woo wealthier folk. I’ve given him legitimacy. I, however, am one very small cheque away from permanent homelessness.
If my daughter hadn’t been abused, and wasn’t still at risk of being abused, things would be so much different for me. I could have dealt with this normally. But the abuse changed everything about me after I found out. The person I used to be is gone forever. I live in constant fear. I don’t know how to forgive and move on because I have to continue to send her to her abuser. It has never been resolved. She’s still at risk. If he does it again, I honestly don’t know how I’ll react. It will probably be violently, quite honestly. Molestation is the gift that keeps on giving, too: any grandchildren she or her younger brother have will be at risk with him.
The burden of this is too heavy to carry. My soul is damaged beyond repair. There is no pleasure in much of anything anymore. I don’t know anybody, not on any forum that I’ve found, not even here, that can relate or give me advice on how to “move on” when I still have to send my daughter to that THING masquerading as a human being, knowing she could be raped again. And I know in my heart of hearts that she WILL be if that THING can convince her to keep it a secret next time. He’s working on it even now – “don’t tell anybody; Daddy will go to jail; you’ll never see Daddy again; Mommy doesn’t want you to see Daddy ever again.” It doesn’t matter to the authorities. He’s convinced them I’m “falsely accusing.” Besides, it’s our daughter’s word against his. We lose and, as usual, he wins.
God seems to be asleep at the wheel as far as protecting the vulnerable is concerned. So, me and God aren’t on speaking terms. I don’t pray anymore and guess what? It doesn’t make a difference anyway to how things turn out. I’ve lost Faith.
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jofary says:
Gack! I just reread my post and am stunned by how negative I sound. And this is an ordinary day! Sorry to be such a major downer, everybody. Looks like I need a big change in attitude.
Not sure how to go about it, though…
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witsend says:
jofary,
You have every reason to be feeling between a rock and a hard place.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Nothing is harder than having to accept that damage is being done to one of your children and you have no control to STOP it.
I can understand that you have no money to fight this in the court systems any further. But I am wondering if there isn’t another option such as Social Services that can provide you with an advocate for your child? I would try calling every agency in the phone book and see if you might not come up with something. Even try google searches.
I know this is a long hard road for you. And I have not had luck with agencies in the past in my situation either. However I would leave no rock unturned if I were you. If they say they “can’t” help you ask them for a number of someone who can.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Jofray,
I am so sorry to hear your stories, it brings tears to my heart. I know you may “sound” bitter and frustrated and angry, but you have every right to feel that way.
I cannot even imagine how you must feel with the continuing problems of letting her abuser see your child.
Please start to take care of YOURSELF though, and stop the unhealthy behaviors as a “slow suicide”—it’s not a good way to go.
I wish I could tell you how to regain your faith. God (as I see it) does’t promise us a “rosey” life here on earth, but to be there to comfort us, to guide us. I don’t think He is going to “part the red sea” to strike our Ps with lightening, but I do think that we must realize that He says in scripture “ALL things work together for GOOD to those that love the Lord.”
I have have “bad” things and disappointing things happen to me, but later down the line, if I had not had that “bad” thing happen, a blessing would not have happened later.
God warned David to hide in the caves from King saul by having Jonathan warn David. God COULD I think have kept Saul from killing david and david wouldn’t have had to hide, but I think there was a LESSON for David in those caves. I don’t know what it was, but I think it was there.
David was very “human” and made lots of bad decisions, he committed adultery, murder and other sins, but the Bible says “he was a man after God’s own heart” WHY? I think because when David was confronted about his sins, he ADMITTED THEM, QUIT THEM and tried to do better, he genuinely REPENTED. He tried to follow God, but he did bad things, too. I think this is an exammple for us to see that no matter what we have done, that if we truly repent and TRUST in God that we will be able to trust in His word that it will all worth together for GOOD.
I didn’t see the “good” in my son’s crimes, and I depended on myself to “fix” those things (my son has his own free will) and I can’t fix others, it was arrogant for me to think I could. I should have “let go, and let God” but I didn’t. I had a lesson to learn. The fleeing for my life was to let me know, I think that my life doesn’t depend on what I have or where I live, but on God and on me.
Believe it or not, I found some humility there in that RV on the lake—and I realized I can do nothing without God, and with God I can do everything. I hope you don’t think I am preaching to you, because I don’t intend to do that, but to share with you the COMFORT I found in my faith, and that I think you had in yours prior to all of this. God bless you, and You will be in my prayers (((((Hugs))))
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skylar says:
Jofray, I’m so sorry for your trials.
I will share my thoughts and experience in hopes that it might inspire you somehow.
I don’t have children with the xP thank God, so my trials are less in that respect. But I found it very empowering to learn as much as I can about sociopathy and read, read, read, every book I can find. I go to websites and meet people in my travels and we talk about it. I even go to his friends and family for information about what is happening and why. Everyone has a different piece of the puzzle.
Once the “profile” of your xP begins to crystalize in your mind, once you really start to understand what motivates him and how he thinks, life gets much easier. The fear goes away.
His mind will become as familiar to you as your own (not pleasant, but necessary) The only thing left to do is learn more about yourself. The encounter with a sociopath tends to reveal yourself to you. Suddenly so many things from the past become clear.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that you can learn and grow from this suffering. It’s all we can do because we can’t go backward, only forward.
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Lily says:
So many of your stories have validated me…so many have broken my heart…many have enraged me because of the power the P has. They can be sooo charming when around others to the point that friends and family won’t believe you. After all, he’s really a great and charming guy…and what an interesting background he has! Even when provided with evidence that his interesting background is all a lie…people just don’t get it and can’t believe it. There’s something wrong with me!
Jofray…please keep fighting. Contact anyone and everyone in authority – preserve evidence. I too know, that justice has nothing to do with truth, I never knew that before – I believed justice was all about truth.
I’m sleeping 12 hrs. aday now and even that’s not enough to help my weariness. I just watch the clock until I can sleep again. I have not talked to one human today. No one calls me anymore. My friends have backed away and my family is not available unless I can be positive and cheerful with wonderful dreams of the future. It’s easier to talk to my dogs and my kitten…they listen intently and never disapprove of me or my feelings.
How did this ever happen to me? To you? Why are we targets for these paths? I believe as pollyanna no more said…it all starts with our childhood. I was the youngest and a total surprise when my mother gave birth to me at age 46.
I was an inconvenience. I was the ‘out of sight out of mind’ child. Yet as young as I was I always brought home the ‘broken’ things. A stray dog, a ferral cat, a bird with a broken wing even children from school who were being bullied. I never understood why my mother wouldn’t let me take care of these beings or while I slept they all ‘ran away’.
I don’t know if God is with me or against me – frankly, I am too tired to think about faith.
Wow, I could write forever – one thought leads to another. I do have a dream though…I’ll share it with you on one of my next posts. Because of your help and your words I do believe this dream can come true. Love to all of you.
Lily/Sally
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OxDrover says:
Dear Lily,
Taking care of YOU right now is all you need to think about! I know it would help if your “support network”—or what SHOULD BE your SUPPORT were there for you, but you are NOT alone, you have support right here! Stay with us! WE DO GET IT! WE do KNOW. WE do CARE!
Lily, when I told my bizzare story to my new therapist, he was so unsure that such a thing could be true I had to bring in witnesses and documentation to prove I wasn’t a paranoid nut case! LOL I can laugh at it now, but I understand why he wouldn’t believe such a wild arse story! It sounded like the plot to a BAD MOVIE! Sugar, you are NOT alone in this crazy state, there are many of us who have been there. Teh sheriff did believe me but because the man had not committed a crime YET his hands were tied.
Focus on YOU. Don’t focus on what you have lost (that you had or thought you had) Focus on what you have—your dog and your cat—that is more than some people have. Focus on the POSITVE —anything positive—and give thanks for that ONE positive thing in your life. DIG yourself out of the depression, and if you are not on medication, see if you can be evaluated for antidepressant medication and/or some more therapy–surely if I can find a therapist that will believe my story (even with proof) you can too! Don’t give up on that!
Sometimes when we get in the downward spiral of depression and the abyss of pain and loss it is difficult to get out by ourselves because of the chemical changes in our brains, plus, I know my mind itself wasn’t functioning right! Find some help some where, some way….and above all, STAY HERE and read and post. (((hugs)))) and you are in my prayers, and I DO have faith! So right now you don’t have to be able to pray, there is at least one old biddy praying her heart out for you!!!!
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Outlier says:
Hmm, they ARE parasytic aren’t they?
My sister separated from her husband September 2007. He still persists in sending letters that she is mentally ill and that he loves her and wants her back. Deliberately posted from my S sibling’s city; he lives 600 miles away). He always posts from S sister’s city to say : Hey look, I am really good friends with your other enemy, do we scare you, my love?” Imagine your sibling (her husband and the rest of the family) supports your ex 100% and offers nothing to you in the way of concern for your wellbeing.
Certainly confirmed my 20 year rule to never allow siblings to ever hear/meet of my relationships and private life (they have voiced/joked I’m a virgin/lesbian who never had a bf/sex at 38, bless). My privacy is my scared temple.
My sister has spent lots of time in Europe, India, the States seeking a new life, which seriously bugs her ex. She’s moved on, he will forever haunt and track her with S sister standing right behind him. They invest a lot of energy they do. She may do really well in the States as there is a seriously good network of relatives there who are safe and secure to be around. Shame she needs to pack her bags, but she can find ten times better elsewhere.
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Outlier says:
skylar wrote: Friday, 20 November 2009 @ 2:56am
Once the “profile” of your xP begins to crystalize in your mind, once you really start to understand what motivates him and how he thinks, life gets much easier. The fear goes away.
His mind will become as familiar to you as your own (not pleasant, but necessary) The only thing left to do is learn more about yourself. The encounter with a sociopath tends to reveal yourself to you. Suddenly so many things from the past become clear.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that you can learn and grow from this suffering.
Spot on. From experience.
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skylar says:
Thanks Outlier,
Funny, mine says I’m bi-polar, schizophrenic too. But when I ask him to explain, he doesn’t really know what the terms mean, so I have to explain it to him. Also, my P-sister and trojan BIL loved to stalk me, until I went NC with them. It is necessary because my P-parents still have relationship with them. The P-parents know the BIL will eventually try to kill the P-sister and they just can’t let her go and there is no way to warn her without tipping our hand to the BIL. Oh Well!
Sometimes it’s difficult for me to remember that not everyone is in the same place that I am. Many n-supplies can’t even fathom the idea of even checking their P’s facebook pages without being triggered. But for me, it’s all just more data/information to add to my repertoire of knowledge regarding sociopaths. I’ve come to see the xP as a puzzle that you work on once in a while, when you have time and inclination. I don’t see him as a person, because he’s not. Real people have feelings for others and don’t lie with every other word. No matter how “real” his words sound, I know they are only as real as an academy award winning actor on the silver screen, reciting his lines. And he’s not even that good at it.
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teacher123 says:
Jofary,
I am going to urge you to not lose faith, and I know you are going to say that is easy for you to say. That maybe true, but we all do go through troubles. I have had 2 people close to me that I loved very much take their own lives because they couldn’t see a way out of their present troubles. In both cases, I believe if they would have held on a little longer their situations would have gotten better. The Bible says that if you faint in the day of your adversity your strength is small. This was written by Solomon who was well acquainted with the struggles David his father went through like Oxy documented before. And he did come out of all of his troubles by remaining strong in his faith. I mentioned this before, but a very good book that has helped me is called “What to do on the Worst Day of Your Life”. Here is the synopsis from Barnes and Noble.
Synopsis
No one wants trouble to come. But when it does (and it always does), you can recover . . . you can prevail.
What do you do on the worst day of your life?
Pastor Brian Zahnd turned to the Bible for answers and discovered in the life of King David an inspiring story of hope and a pattern for full recovery. In What to Do on the Worst Day of Your Life, he reveals the steps you must take to recover-and to recover all.
“My wife and I have read and reread every word in this book. It was like God’s voice to us in one of the toughest seasons in our lives. Don’t stop because it’s dark. Read this book, and follow the proven steps of a man who lost everything but lived to recover it all.”
-Jentezen Franklin, New York Times best-selling author of Fasting.
Biography
Brian Zahnd is the founder and senior pastor of Word of Life Church, a congregation in St. Joseph, Missouri. He and his wife, Peri, have three sons.
Miracles happen sometimes suddenly: sometimes healing is a long process, but don’t lose your faith. There are a lot of people on this website who will support you. I am afraid to say that I am a part time poster, but I chime in when I feel the need to. I am going to believe that things will get better for you. If you read the book of Job you will have a hard time believing that he recovered from all he went through, but the end of the story is that he made a full recovery because he didn’t curse God or blame himself when everyone around him urged him to do so. It sounds like you are very strong to have had the faith to continue despite your circumstances, why not see it through to the part when you come out on top?
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Lily says:
Oh OxDover…thank you for your encouragement. Like you, no one believed me except for one of his previous victims. To even convince an attorney I had to take in threads from forums he’s posted on. People who don’t know say I’m obsessed. And yes, I am obsessed – right now this is the focal point in my life – am I going to die at his hand as threatened? I am hypervigilant – my doors have bars on them & all windows are locked. I allowed myself to sit out on the front porch with my dogs last week. A truck slowly drove by and the driver yelled out the window…”he’s going to kill you”. Then sped off. I don’t call the police anymore. To them it’s all he said – she said. I have a code word with my family and therapist to alert them I’m in danger.
I don’t know why I’m rambling on. Maybe because I can? And no one’s going to put me down? My therapist does believe me, what a blessing! My sister told me to write a book…I told her no one would read it because it’s too unbelievable to be true.
Thank you to everyone for your support and for your understanding. Lots of love and blessings. Lily
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OxDrover says:
Dear LIly,
There is no way for me to tell you if this guy is just f-#-ing with your mind or if he means it. I have no doubt that my P-son means it as he is NOT threatening, just DOING—
But you know, in either case, the worst he can do to me is to keep me TERRIFIED—that is worse than killing me as far as I am concerned.
If the guy is going to kill you,, he wil lfind a way to do it, and that’s the truth, but in the mean time, LIVE YOUR LIFE, sit on your porch. If you can’t live terror free where you are, MOVE–whatever it takes it is worth it to live terror free.
When I realized I couldn’t protect my house 24/7 like a fort, I left all that was prescous to me and hit the trail. Lived in a recreational vehicle 5th wheel trailer. At least I was SAFE and by being safe I could heal.
Due to the arrest of my X-DIL and the Trojan horse P my son sent, I am safe frm THEM, but I know my son will do all he can to send another one, but in the meantime, I am going to LIVE. Be cautious, sure, but my precautions are not what makes my life good, it is my ATTITUDE, my putting aside the fear!
It wasn’t easy for me, and I am betting it won’t be for you, but you CAN do it. What have you got to lose at this point? All I can see is your fear! doon’t let him kill you by degrees! (((hugs))) my prayers and God bless you!
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Lily says:
I love all of you. I respect your advise and counsel. I am going to move as soon as possible but can’t now as he’s suing me and there is a possibility there will be a judgement.
It was last December 3, 2008, I tried to kill myself. That’s 2 days from today. I am having such a difficult & emotional time right now. I was told it’s an anniversary time for me & I believe it.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, altho I admit I’m having a hard time with prayers right now.
I can’t seem to stop crying. Love Lily
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henry says:
Lily – My sister took her life. She lived a tormented life. At the time there was nothing I could do too help her. I wish I knew then what I know now. And maybe I could of helped her, we could of helped each other. She loved xmas, I think because it was a fantasy time. Please take care of your self…death is so final and leaves so much pain for so many, her suicide is something I will never recover from. I think we will all die before we are ready to go, so I am going to find peace with myself and wait it out as long as I can. And I hope you will do the same…hang in there – now that you know – things Will get better…
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geminigirl says:
Dearest Lily,Weve all been there, darling girl. When I left my ex after he beat me unconscious, it took me a couple of years to summon up the balls to leave him. I had no money, but everything came to me, money, work, a flat, a lovely new husband. I was scared shitless, and had wall to wall guilt re leaving my teenage girls with him.{he had never touched them.} But it did get better. I had to save my OWN LIFE!! you WILl get there darling,take it one day at a time. Rest plenty, eat well, dont try to do too much.All this is EXHAUSTING! Ask God for help, -he/she really DOES help, but you have to ASK Him?her for it, or His/her hands are tied! Make a list of what you want,{I did, starting with some food in my empty fridge,}
I discovered if you have a full fridge you WONT get help, but if you are really hungry and ask God, He will help you! Just believe! He said, Even if you have faith smller than a grain of mustard seed, you will overcome!! TOWANDA!! If you kill yourself, guess what? The spath has won.There is only one way to go and thats UP!! with love and {{HUGS!!}} gem.XX
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geminigirl says:
Ps Lily, Tears are good, they are washing away all the shit, crap, bad memories, let them flow!! Love, Gem.XX
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witsend says:
Dear Lily,
Please hang in there….. I wish you the strength to come through this hard time.
Like Henry, I have been affected by the suicide of a loved one as well. (my husband) It changes your life. I will never be the same person I was before this happened. It is difficult to see that someone can be so tortured in their lives, to end it in this way. And you forever wish that there was something that you might have done (to help) if you had only known.
You are SPECIAL Lily….And if you give yourself time you will be able to heal from this toxic person in your life. Your animals need you (they KNOW your special) and you need them. The BEST thing about dogs is they love unconditionally.
You mentioned a sister…..Call her if you need to…Explain to her about the anniversary date and talk to her. If you don’t want to talk to her talk to your therapist about it. Please just talk to someone if you feel you need to do this.
Please let us know how you are doing…..We had another poster here that we were all so fond of and her name was lily also. She had an operation and we haven’t been able to talk to her for awile, so please do let us know that you are ok.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
it’s been a long and hard 2 days. I haven’t slept. Too much smoke and off gassing in my apt, and it is terrbily cold out with the my windows open – which they still are.
this year has been a hard journey – and it continues to spiral downwards.
I think I may sleep tonight – am going to stya upright till th benedryl knocks me out.
my housing. sigh. just got a letter from the borderline landlord in response to my letter of complaint about the smoke in my apt. where i live htere is NO protective legistlation for people who have health problems related to tobacco smoke. I moved, and it was A MIGHTY effort, in July. I have had to …blah blah blah – basically, I have to move again and mt landlord is a fucktard.
when i read his letter I want to mess with him. i never used to be LIKE THIS. I WAS A NICE GIRL! I have learned A TON from my spath and feel like being all spathy with the borderline landlord.
Has anyone else experienced this after/ during the spath? Wanting to use their waepons? I feel quite powerless – am without resources to move and am terribly frightened and having BIG panic around this ( the feeling seems to be one that comes up when i start to think of the spath also.)
i am pushed up against the wall…and want to use ANYTHING i can.
to update: the spath i outed on the website (who may be a sockpuppet of my spath) is getting NO END of grief from the folks he choose to condescend to. A few of them SAW him RIGHT AWAY! YAAAY!
my life really sucks. worst ever. i was walking home tonight and saw a guy panhandling and he was sitting with a blanket over his shoulders, hunched forward, a young guy, with the body language of someone in despair. I don’t know his story, but i htought about how many inches i am from the street right now, and my heart just jerked, and i knew that those walking past him did not think about his state of mind at all – we tend to shield ourselves from that. I gave him what I had, and it wasn’t much, he’s going to get that many times over to buy a coffee in this town.
there is such an exhaustion in not having a safe and secure place to be. i can forget about it for bits of time, but the moment i start to walk someowhere, it floods in. At least the anxiety of **** (the character of my spath, who i lived/ loved) is gone.
each day what happened with this woman, hits me in a new and sometimes bizarre way. someone today asked me why bother doing all the sleuthing and getting involved with another dupee who IS suing her. this guy is a cognitive therapist who is trying to help me get my anx. levels down. Dude, buy me some shoes or help me get a new place to live and you will GREATLY REDUCE my anxiety level!
…anyway, he keeps asking, ‘why bother?’ this is hard to answer as i immediately go in to guilt, but tonight i want to look at it. i think it is how i am letting go – making the con REAL, cause if i don’t there would be days when I would get sucked into thinking what she is trying to get me to beleive, that ‘he’ is still out there, JUST NOT LOVING ME. i’ve been slipping there a bit the last 2 days-and i think a bit of that is the close to NC. I say close to as I do keep tabs on the sockpuppets. I am moving toward outing her on the website and I have been there as a presence she knows is watching. And the more active i get, as I am confident who and what she is – the absolutely more fucking quiet the sockpuppet gets. Why is THAT? I am surprised – i would have thought she’d like to tangle – she sure did last month – with glee. is it tha thse has more or less moved on to sucking someone else’s beauty?
would like some feedback here re he spath behaviour and my latent spath desire to bully bullies back.
thanx.
one step
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henry says:
In the beginning, during the devalue and discard period I wanted revenge – real bad – but what I got was much better – a new life with out him – sorry you are down – it takes time but focus on you and not him/them..peace
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henry says:
Ugh I just got an email from an ole friend that I adored – I came home early one day and found him in bed with the X sociopath about two years ago – a wonderful day ends on a bad note….I told this guy I am wonderful and dont associate with his kind anymore….and put him on ignore – sheesh two old lying cheats of friends have contacted me in a week and think I am over it – or stupid i guess..not a chance
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OxDrover says:
Dear Lily,
Sometimes it is difficult to pray, because we really don’t even know what we want, much less what we need. You don’t have to put words to anything just say “Lord, please help me” You have a whole bunch of people rooting for you, and yes, anniversaries are difficult, but you know, they come around every year–but each one gets easier.
I am praying for you, and Gem is praying for you and so many other people here are praying for you, sending positive energy and care your way. That is the thing about this wonderful place is we are all different people but we share a similiar pain, a similiar experience. WE DO understand what it is like to be FILLED WITH PAIN, but by holding on to each other, like a huge group of people, all of who only have one leg, we can ALL STAND! God bless you. (((hugs)))
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henry says:
it was still a good day and I told both of them what I thot of them so it was a towanda day…!
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skylar says:
Lily,
please don’t remember that day as the anniversary of the worst day of your life. Over the years many other things have happened on that day. consider it just another day and remember that you HAVE survived therefore you SHOULD survive.
You know it would be wrong to have one less good person in the world to offset the number of P/S/N’s that exist. We need you in our army!
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witsend says:
Lily,
Think of the day (anniversary date) as the FIRST day of the rest of your life. Something good happened that day because you SURVIVED that day.
I do know how it feels to have trouble praying. I also struggle with this. But there are many people here that will pray for you.
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witsend says:
One Step At A Time,
I think right now you might be feeling overwhelmed. When you are overwhelmed your whole world feels like it is spinning out of control.
And generally what this indicates to us is that we have to let SOMETHING go. We have to break everything down into prioritys and let the rest of it go. Your energy needs to be conserved for what you CAN accomplish. Or putting it another way what you absolutely NEED to accomplish.
Continuing to watch the website is draining you and sucking you dry. Keeping “tabs” is not good for you. It continues to take up space in your head.
I have been overwhelmed before and all I could do was deal with what I absolutely had to deal with. One day at a time. My priority list was very short. I needed all my energy.
Sounds like moving is something you have to do at this point. Conserve your energy for that.
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OxDrover says:
Dear henry,
Well, son D got home last night from the funeral of his dad’s adoptive mother. she had always treated his dad and his dad’s kids like “red headed step kids” and her last poke at them was her will. She didnt even mention them, though she left some item to each of her 3 daughters, their husbands, and all their kids and grandkids. Not one mention of D or his dad.
D’s aunts were mortified that their mother would be so “tacky” and THEY accept their brother as their brother regardless of the blood relationship or not and they accept and love his children.
When D and I were talking last night he said “She is just like your egg donor pretending to be so good and pious and in reality she was such a fake. The only good thing about it is that if she hadn’t taken my dad in, I wouldn[‘t have had my aunts and their kids for family and they are good people.”
He also said at the funeral none of the family was weeping, unlike most funerals, and the minister kept saying “it’s okay to weep, to let your true emotions out” and D said the family’s TRUE Emotions were out, they did not feel the need to weep for this woman.
The thing that strikes me the most funny really, is that her attempt to SLIGHT her adopted son by leaving him and his kids nothing actually back fired when it made her biological children ASHAMED of how she behaved and how small her mind and soul were, and how bitter and hateful she was to someone THEY LOVED.
Her attempt to “bribe” her biological daughters’ families with her bequests to “show love” and to devalue and discard her adopted son and his children actually BACKFIRED. It wasn’t about the monetary value of any of this, and in fact, the aunts offered Ds dad and sibs anything they wanted out of Grandma’;s house–without limit–but they chose to take nothing from the woman who had no love for them.
So, by her own actions she turned her memorial service from a memorial to her with her children, into an “I’m glad we dont have to deal with that old bat any more” with no pleasant memories of anything except the humor in the sermon the minister preached about this woman he didn’t know, and the reality of what she actually was…a bitter and hateful old woman whose last act was hateful.
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sherry winter says:
When I read Sally’s letter, it was like she was writing what was in my soul. The loss of things, your lifestyle, or even the love you THOUGHT was true is nothing compared to the feeling that you have lost yourself.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Sherry,
Yes that loss of self does resonate with us all I think, but the best part though is that WE CAN RECLAIM ourselves and be stronger for the experience.
Overcoming adversity strengthens the spirit just as weight lifting strengthens the muscles. God bless.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
i have just confirmed the lawsuit against the spath i tangled with, brought by another dupee.
big sigh of relief. i am being cautious and it has been a hard time waiting for different confirmations about the suit and some other things I could confirm. Two important pieces came within the last 24 hours.
I deeply admire this woman for going after her.
however, i am finding that i find this whole repellent beyond belief, it’s like drinking horrid stuf i don’t want to.
this am i woke in the wee hours with a start – i saw ‘HIS’ face come right at me – and i felt the energy hit me, shock me, then disipate and leave. it was wild.
last night i read the entry by noordinary (spath?????!!) CREEPY F**KING CREEPY.
all for now. cause even coming here is making me recoil.
all best
one step
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Stargazer says:
One step,
I also had met my spath on my favorite website. He continued to post after the discard as if nothing happened, lying to the other members blatantly. I took some beginning steps to expose him, but then I had a really bad dream about him, similar to yours, that made me realize how dangerous he was. Fortunately, I was able to get friends there to confront him and make it uncomfortable for him to post there. I also turned him into the army for fraud and adultery, and whatever they did to punish him, he has not been around on the website any more. However, I’m aware he can show up at any time, and I’m prepared to leave to maintain NC.
I truly empathize with your survival struggles because I have been there for many years. At one point in my life, I lived in my car. It is something that most people never have to experience. I have lost count of the times I’ve debated with people over how first you have to use your energy to survive. THEN you get to ponder the meaning of your life. The problem I encountered is that I have spent SO MANY years in survival mode that I honestly don’t know what to do now that I am finally financially stable. I have never known anything besides survival. So I just want to let you know you’re not alone.
About becoming a bully after the spath, I’m not sure. There could be a number of reasons you are feeling like that, and it probably has something to do with different things getting triggered by what you are going through. I don’t think you are “becoming a sociopath” and I wouldn’t worry about that. It could also just be survival or a strong sense of justice. You should hear how I talk to the phone company when they screw up my bill!
One of the reasons NC is so good is that you can’t really let your guard down and relax until you know the spath is out of your life. And you can’t heal till you can relax. It becomes a catch 22 when you want revenge/justice so badly that you put your life/healing on hold to get it. Given the choice, I would not have turned mine in, because it took 6 months for the investigation to be completed. During that 6 months, he remained in the back of my mind. I had to keep evidence on my computer and voice mail. The only reason I turned him in is because I wanted him off my website. I told him that if I ever saw him again on my website, I would turn him in. So I did. It worked, and he seems to be gone. I would have preferred he just take my offer and leave so I could have moved on with my life sooner. I don’t really care what he’s up to as long as I don’t ever have to see or hear of him again. Even when people bring it up, I will quickly change the subject so as not to give it much energy.
You will get there too at some point, but you need some distance from the situation, which probably means staying off the site. If you find this is too hard, you may have an internet addiction as well that you need to break. I know I did.
If you feel you need to participate in the spath’s fraud case, you should definitely weigh the potential benefits to the toll it will take on you. Sounds like you need to focus on your survival right now.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Someting happened in the last 48 hours. I went from this really ‘hard up against it state’ to some peace – what is called a ‘purification’ in buddhism.
I have been setting smallish goals and meeting them. there is TOO much that needs doing and sorting and i have been very overwhelmed. And although this bit of peace probably won’t last, I am savouring it.
Because there is so much that needs attention i have been trying to beat myself into doing it all and i just can’t. I HAVE to take it slow. i have been living in emergency mode for too long.
i found a local agency that will help with first months rent on a new place, and one that will help when utilities are going to be cut off. and a couple of other things. so, good. I still can’t make the commitment to move -that’s still to big and requires a 2 month notice, and I don’t know what i can do this afternoon, let alone 2 months from now. And yes, the house is still toxic, but i just have to hang in there, and keep spending as much time away from it as possible.
and i have started a conversation with myself about my family. they are no more. I will begin to view myself as without family form now on, as a way to move away form their toxic crap. enough. i will be free and i will succeed or fail on my own.
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whattodo says:
I don’t know where to go on this site to post. I am new and I need help…..My story is very much the same as everyone else’s. Last year got out of 20-year marriage to what I believe now to also be a sociopath or something and straight into a relationship 5 months later with I am certain has to be one along with many other things. He wooed me, pampered me, “loved” me, made me fall head over heels in love with him and marry him less than 6 months later and now we aren’t together. I see him for what he is, he has hurt me emotionally, mentally, and verbally, degraded me, betrayed me, lied to me, and all the other “to-mes” there is. He’s left here three times, two of which I let him back in, this time he’s only been gone a week and 2 days yet I can’t stop crying, I can’t stop wanting him, I can’t stop thinking of the good times, the “love” we shared, I can’t stop loving him. I am literally dying a slow and painful death. I am certain he doesn’t care about me and my children (he so wonderfully claimed 8 months ago to want to take under his wing and help me finish raising). I am left at this point without a penny. Bills to be paid, no food in the pantry, no Christmas for my kids, wondering if my electricity will stay on or if I’ll get to keep my car and he doesn’t care. He moved ‘back in’ with his parents where he lived when I met him and after two other failed marriages (he’s 40) and is living off of them once again scott free while his paycheck gets cashed and goes for whatever he needs it to go for. The child support check I get for my four girls from my first husband isn’t enough to cover expenses let alone get them Christmas. I can’t find a job though I have searched and searched for months. I haven’t worked in over 17 years because I chose to raise my family instead but now no one wants to give me a job so I can continue to raise them.
This man wooed me in April….good-looking (to me), strong, personal trainer (at the time but couldn’t tell it now) with secrets I would only find out later. He too talked of how he was part of some Merc group at an early age in which he claims to have taken a life, broken legs, hurt women and children for money and how he now regrets it all and it haunts him. He had been married twice. First time was for 13 years. Said he was young, cheated on her early on, she forgave him, stayed with him about 10 years. He said she wanted a child but he kept telling her wait, not yet, and several years later he claims she secretly went of her birth control and “had an affair” and got pregnant. He said he made her feel so bad about it that she agreed to an abortion. They divorced after that. I wonder now if it was his own child and he just did not want it. He married a second time to a woman he claimed to date for a year before marrying her only to find out 2 months into the marriage that she was an alcoholic…..that he left her but i he could not afford to divorce her. Though the papers that I saw state that she in fact filed for divorce 2 years into the marriage. In between marriages he claims to have had relations with numerous women but always used protection. One of which he claimed to have “been” with Reece Witherspoon……(she’s from this area!) Any of his “serious” relationships always ended because the woman ended up being mental as he put it or very unstable and game-players.
I fell for all of his lies. When friends told me to slow down, get to know him better before making this kind of decision he got angry and told me they just didn’t want me happy because they weren’t happy themselves and I ended up believing it. He is a very jealous man. Asked me not to wear perfume unless we were going to be together because people only wear perfume/cologne to attract the opposite sex. I could not work-out at the gym unless he was going to be there either working out or training others because of a certain man (at least 16 years younger than I) that worked there also that he did not want me talking to. He is jealous of my girls tho he always claimed to want a family and to be part of us and help raise them where their father failed and to be there to support them. Although, he had tried to get on disability so he would never have to work again and wanted me to file for bankruptcy (which I didn’t) However, every waking moment he wanted me either with him or on the phone whether my kids were around or not. Time with him was and should have been my priority in his eyes and if my kids needed me, they were too clingy or too spoiled. I have heard many times how badly I raised my kids because they need me. He says they expect me to be there…….(duh) therefore how will they ever survive in the real world.
He loved me by the first week or two of dating and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I managed to put him off for a couple of months but then gave in and accepted his proposal. He was so much of what I had always hoped for in a husband. Swept me off my feet. Told me I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever been with (and reminded me often he’d been with many), the sexiest, the sweetest, kindest, most loving real woman he’d ever met. Told me how I made him want to be a better person and he was going to do just that. Told me how no other woman had made him feel as passionate sexually as I did. Promised me the world…..tho he didn’t even have a tiny part of the world. I loved him, I didn’t want money, I didn’t want anything he had, I wanted him….or the person he said he was.
He wanted to marry right away but I insisted we wait a few months. Four months later, we wed. Small but pretty wedding that he mostly paid for. Honeymoon (which costs more than the wedding and was only a 2 hour drive to Chattanooga for a few days) was paid for by me because he convinced me to use the only money I had saved up for a particular bill (which involved ex in-laws so he didn’t like it) to pay for it.
Fighting started on honeymoon because he told me 4 days into it that our sex-life was going to suck because of my kids at home and we would only get to have sex every-other weekend. Hurt and angry at that I still offered many suggestions, mornings after they were gone to school….his reply…no, mornings weren’t a good time for him, takes him too long to wake up. Ok, during the day before you go to work…..his reply, from the beginning of time and in the movies, books, etc. sex is done after the moon comes out, it just helps the mood. Ok, but can’t we at least try? His reply, like I said, our sex-life is going to suck. I’ve been called a twelve year old (I am 40) because I liked to laugh and have fun and it is because I spend too much time with my children. Now…I don’t know laughter.
He wants a child since he has none of his own. I told him I would like to try. He insisted I did not take birth control due to the risks at my age. I fell for it. A couple of weeks into the marriage I felt like the fighting was too bad and we needed to fix our marriage before trying so I said I was going to take bc anyway. He got livid. Told me I had stripped every dream he ever had away. I didn’t love him but I loved my ex-husband because I had 4 kids with him. No matter how much I have told him that I still wanted to just not now, not till we get things worked out and calmed between us. Not good enough. He doesn’t hear that and insists that I have said I never want to have a child with him. After 1 day on BC he told me that sex with me wasn’t the same for him anymore. That it just didn’t mean anything now knowing there would not be a child produced from it and if he was going to feel that way then I just didn’t have to take them anymore.
He left once for one day. An hour after he left, he had placed a personal ad on Craigslist looking for a mistress as his wife was cold, heartless and he had enough. Not knowing this, I asked him to come home that night. 2 weeks later he was found to have lied to me over an item he had tried to steal from my daughter. He, not me, he started packing his things and left. Never told him to, we were discussing what had happened. He was gone for about 4 days and I could not take it. I wanted to hold him and just believe that all would be ok with us. That day I stumbled across his personal ad because I had gotten an “idea” he may have done this. I pretended to be someone interested and contacted him via email. He then started a chat with “her” via IM and txting me…the real me on his phone telling me how much he loved me and wanted to come home. I met him in town that night and confronted him. He didn’t deny it. Told me it was done out of anger 3 weeks earlier and he wouldn’t have done anything with it anyway although this was 3 weeks later and he had in fact been chatting with “her” though he was no longer “angry”. 2 days later…..I asked him to come back home.
His dependency on pain pills has worsened. Running to mommy for pills a few times per week. The last time he did, I got upset. The next morning, he asked me did I want him to leave. I simply said, “I don’t know, things don’t seem to be getting better between us.” He said ok, packed his things and left. Didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to work it out, nothing. Six hours later I get a txt from him telling me that I had caused all of this. We have not spoken since but have txtd. Many of which are not very nice. I asked for help with bills, he lied saying he has no money (when he cashed his paycheck 2 days before he left and I never saw any of it) and that why should he help me when he wasn’t wanted. Nevermind that you have a wife and 4 stepdaughters that have no food and can’t pay the bills. He on the other hand has mommy and daddy paying his way, providing him warm shelter, filling his stomach and licking his wounds and he goes about with a clear conscious.
Still I miss him. I wanted us to work. I love him. I can’t stop. I think about him constantly. I wonder if he is chatting with someone or talking to another woman. I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him. I’m 5’5″ and 125 lbs. He’s 6′ and 230+ lbs so I couldn’t throw him far!!! I got mad once and while yelling pounded his shoulder saying you don’t even care and he turned later to say how I abused him. Knowing all of this, I can’t let go. It is ripping me to pieces. I am depressed…very depressed. I am penniless, jobless and hopeless. I don’t know how to proceed. I’m pretty much frozen in place. I don’t want to eat, sleep, do laundry, anything. How do you move from here? I’m pretty sure he doesn’t care. He has it made and sure, he’d come back if I asked him to. We have been in marriage counseling for nearly 2 months. He has missed his last 3 appts. I continue to go just to get through my days. The counselor (a Christian one at that) wonders why I want to put myself through it. She and his counselor as well, know he is not a normal human, they see it and have told me that people like him sometimes never get better and if I stay I will have to accept that could be the case with him. He thinks he’s fine. He blames me for most of it. Has promised to change what he thinks he needs to but hasn’t shown any effort to do so. I am fainting, falling, crumbling….desperate. Anybody? Help?
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witsend says:
whattodo,
Well you always have to start somewhere…And you started in a good place LF.
Read the articles. Don’t even read all the comments below the articles yet because the articles themselves are going to be enough for now.
As hard as it is to believe you are in love with the illusion he created not the REAL person he is. That illusion is what you are missing and wanting. It IS an addiction and is very poweful.
Your counselor is right he will never change.
As you read the articles you will be able to identify with alot of what you read if you were targeted by an S/P/N.
The love bombing that he did early on in your relationship is very typical of this disorder. Thats what “hooks” you. Once they reel you in they show their true selves. That is what you saw more recently. Who he really is. He is NOT capable of love.
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Matt says:
wattodo:
Welcome. You’re in the right place.
For starters, it sounds to me like Husband #2 is a sociopath — the lack of empathy, the lack of responsibility, the sense of entitlement, the lying, the manipulation, the cheating, the controlling behavior toward you, the keeping you off balance, the love bombing up front followed by the devalue and discard (right on the timetable — around month 3) — it is all there. And let’s not forget the claims he was a mercenary — that’s a familiar twist on the ol’ I was a Navy Seal or I was a POW song and dance.
The man who I became involved with did exactly the same thing to me. And did I mention he was an ex-con? Oh, yeah. And to really make the story good, I was a criminal defense attorney and I still got sucked in by one of these creatures. When I finally drove him off 13 months ago it was after 15 months of holy hell. Okay, the first 3 months were the walk in the clouds until the devalue and discard started. My point is that anybody can get taken in.
From a legal standpoint, I would cut my losses now and file for divorce or go for an annulment. To put it bluntly, it is not going to get better. YOu fell in love with an illusion. He never existed. Never.
There is a lot of help on this site. It was a godsend for me when I logged on a year ago. Knowledge = Power. I recommend reading Robert Hare’s “Without Conscience”. It will help you to get your head around what you have been dealing with. Also Marth Stout’s “The Sociopath Next Door.” Also, since this isn’t your first time down the sociopath turnpike you need to read “The Betrayal Bond” by Patrick Carnes. That book explains how we allow this to happen to ourselves. And if you think this traces back to your upbringing, I recommend “If You Had Controlling Parents” by Dan Neuharth. I now understand how my upbringing at the hands of a malignant narcissist mother and a sociopath father made me ripe for the picking by the time S came along. Also, there are a lot of good articles in the archives. Read, Read, Read.
One other thought — you are subjecting your kids to this creature. There are others on this site who have kids and been involved with these creatures, so they can better address this topic, so I think you should bring up that topic to them.
It is a good sign you are in counselling. But, the best way you can get your head out of the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) is NC. No contact. It is that simple. When you go NC — and that means no calls, no texts, no smoke signals, no nothing, it give you a chance to regain some perspective. Going NC is what it all boils down to.
You’re in a place of healing. Once again, welcome.
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whattodo says:
Thank you witsend and Matt for your responses. I will have to say tho it has been over a week since he left this time, today has been the most difficult of any day with or without him. I have cried more than I thought one can. I believed this morning I was literally having a mental breakdown. My children visit their father every Tuesday until around 9:00 pm and just being alone with nothing to do but think or watch television and see reminders has been extremely difficult. I tired driving to the mall just to walk around a bit but hearing the Christmas music and seeing happy people just made me walk around in tears wishing things were different and he were walking beside me.
I have read about the NC and again, that is one of the hardest things. He has texted me here and there that he loves me but goes for hours and hours with NC which hurts more because it drives home the truth that he must REALLY not care tho he says he does and it’s me that doesn’t. I really used to believe that he was what he claimed to be. I wanted him to be so badly.
I began to realize something wasn’t quite right before we married tho. He cried at the drop of a hat, almost on cue. He would have “fainting” spells that just didn’t seem real. Every time we would have an argument (which usually would last anywhere from a couple of hours to a couple of days) he would end it with “are you going to leave me” or “do you still want to marry me”. Then beg over text all night please don’t leave me. I can’t live without you. I wouldn’t want to go on without you. We made 3 trips to the ER from June until September and 2 of them were after or during an argument and his heart began to hurt. Every time turned out to be perfectly fine. He has thousands of dollars in hospital bills that he refuses to pay because he has no health insurance. He would even tell me how he realized after thinking things over that I was right and he was being silly but the next time, the same argument would arise. Most of them stemmed from his what I called “I feel” talks. He always “feels” like I don’t care enough, I don’t show him the attention he needs, I don’t really want him around, my kids don’t care about him and so on. I have to say, not to toot my own horn, that I showed that man more love than he could know what to do with. How can anyone say that you don’t love them when they treat you like dog mess, betray you by placing a personal ad on the internet while married and you still want them back? I loved/love him and wanted him and everyone else to know. I bought him clothes because he didn’t have many things. I paid for our meals when he didn’t have the money. I did and did and did for him because I wanted to. I felt for him what I had not felt in a long time if ever for my 1st husband.
Knowing I have no interest in my ex whatsoever, he has made numerous comments of how I must want to get back together with him. My ex husband makes me sick to my stomach. Who wouldn’t be sick after finding out that at least 15 or your 20 year marriage he had been hiding a porn addiction as well as also being very controlling and manipulative? This addiction mind you was going on in the next room to where his four children slept and his wife. Husband #2 was/is obsessed with husband #1 and speaks often of the fact that I had “relations” with him that produced 4 children and how that really makes him angry to think about although he himself claims to have “been with” numerous, numerous women. From one-night stands to weeks to months to some that lasted a few years.
As I sit here and write this stuff, I loathe him, I get so angry and think I never want to see him again and NC seems it would be easy but it doesn’t take long for that to subside and I begin to hurt for him. To wish things could be better. As I did tonight walking through the mall thinking….maybe, just maybe God will use His miracle working power and change him and we can be happy for the rest of our lives…….then I feel hopeful……then I realize I haven’t heard from him in hours and he probably isn’t even thinking about me….if he were he would care that I have $80 to my name until the day after Christmas and no food in my pantry, no credit left on my credit card, no way to make Christmas cookies with my kids like we have done every year….then I cry once more! Vicious cycle i can’t seem to stop. Sat in my car, head on steering wheel weeping, wanting, wondering, waiting to wake up from the nightmare.
Yes Matt, I realize I have to think of my children and I do. They also loathe this man for what he has done. My 10yr old said when I asked her why she fell in love with him the way she did was because “he made you so happy when you first met, but now he makes you cry and makes you sad and I don’t like him.” I realize I am probably NOT teaching my four daughters the kind of man to look for when the time comes and I pray they don’t get caught in the same trap as I have.
I hope I can soon begin to let go. I will continue to read from here and even get the books suggested. Possibly the season it is makes this worse. The thought of being alone. Remember, I married my first husband at the tender age of just turning 19 and was married to him for 20 years. I met and married him after having a long-term relationship from age 15-almost 18 with a boy that physically abused me by biting me and smacking me and also cheating on me with other girls. Since I was old enough to know what dating was, I had someone I thought loved me, cared for me, wanted ME with me. It is hard to imagine life alone or ever trusting another man. Actually, I spoke those words after my 1st husband. I will never trust another man as long as I live. I don’t ever want another man in my life, who needs them? 5 months later, I was hooked….
I’m scared. Scared of the loneliness, scared of the unknown, scared of the future, scared of losing everything I have financially, emotionally, mentally, even my kids’ respect, scared of never loving or being loved again the way a woman should be loved. So another day ends and I cry myself to sleep.
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