I would focus on the here and now… not the past.

Have your boys expressed an interest in seeing him. Or was it all initiated by him?

Sometimes when ending certain relationships – the most difficult realization that it trickles down into some other relationships that were mutual people in both of your lives.

Weigh the risks vs the benefits. They can talk on phone or videochat on the computer – if you feel things are just too sensitive and hectic right now. If he is a good healthy decent guy – he will totally understand that you just want to get your boys settled in a routine and get back on track for now, rather than bringing up uncomfortable memories with your ex – which unfortunately his son has a strong connection to.

Theres no hurry. Good strong solid relationships last – over time – and distance. If youre uncomfortable all you have to say is this is a hectic busy time for you – maybe when school is out in the summer you can all get together for dinner one night…

Seems maybe a bit counterproductive to be going there right now.. Maybe potential unnecessary added stress… give it some thought as to the pros and cons.. .you will make the best decision for you and your boys!! Trust how you feel about it.

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Recently she said she had no place to stay, my b/f gave her $ to stay at a hotel for the night. The next day, she told him she slept in the hotel restroom and that she used the $ for bills. He was so upset that she had to sleep in the restroom, so so sad. I told him that she CHOSE to do it and that the only reason she told him was to evoke his sympathy. I’ve seen it over and over again, this play for his pity. IMO it’s despicable.

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I am paranoid, believe me I am, about sharing information with people who are even “friendly” with the Ps, because every time I have done so, it has bitten me in the arse rather severely.

Ps will utilize these “common threads” for information and INFORMATION is GOLD. I know you are for this young man, and you kids do, but what can really be innocence on the step son’s part, can be TURNED against you by your X.

Since this is all such a bitter story, if your step son doesn’t truly BELIEVE the story, he might accidently convey some information the kids had said. OR, maybe he is a PLANT sent to get information like a Trojan Horse?

My suggestion is BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY in this case. The boy may be an UNwitting accompliace,, or he may be a KNOWING accomplice, or it may be totally innocent and he cares for the boys and you—-but look at the RISK vs BENEFIT ratio and make your decisions. Maybe if he is anxious to see the boys and they him, you could ALL meet at a mall theater with you along as well.

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The more we try to control ‘others’ and their relationships…..the more harm it causes US in the end…..ALL of these people involved….have to decide WHO to have relationships with and who NOT to.
It’s a tough balance……
It’s easier to ‘avoid’ or ‘detour’ young children away from potentially or harmful relationships…..
But as teens…..they will resent us greatly if we don’t allow them to experience it for themselves.
YES….it’s scary……but we will always be there to dust them off.

I guess……ask yourself….WHY is it that you continue to have a relationship with the St. son????
Sounds like you had/have a nice relationship with him……
If so…..just keep your eyes open for any potential betrayal…..
Try to keep it a son/mother relationship…..healthy and not involved in the divorce…..
Bake cookies and allow the kids to enjoy each other…..doing whatever….
Maybe take all theboys out to lunch or something YOU can all do together…..in a light setting….

Ya know…..yes….Iwouldn’t wish that period in time when he took the kids on anyone……
But ya know what……I coulnd’t have prevented it…..I did all I couldn…..and the bottom line is…..as long as we have our eyes wide open……that’s all we can do.
There is so much we can worry about…..in life….but we can’t paralyze ourselves …..waiting for the worst to happen.

So…..LIVE….love and ENJOY YOUR KIDS!
Thats’ what I say!

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He kidnapped the kids??? I can’t begin to imagine the pain that must have caused you. To have my kids kidnapped is one of my biggest fears.

I still have contact with my Spath’s biological son … my step-son. My boys still think very highly of him ….. they miss him.

I have encouraged my stepson to visit the boys, and he answered that he would love to visit and take them to a movie … but I am worried too. I don’t think that my Spath’s son believes me about the abuse and that my husband is sexually active with my daughter … even though I let him know that it was his brother, and not me, who made the allegations.

If I want to be NC with my Spath, should I tust my Spath’s (adult) son with my information(address, phone number, etc.)? … Especially since I know that he is not convinced of all the facts? Should I let him take the boys to a local movie … or does my Spath have enough influence over his son to talk him into nabbing them, using the movie as a ploy?

Should I insist on going to the movie with them and NOT leave them alone with my stepson … or should I trust him?

I’m not sure.

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Silence is Golden…..and deafening.

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Thank you! Thank You all!
Let us remember that our power is not dimished by these people, but is in fact increased by their misdeeds and mispoken words.

I am reminded by Ayn Rand to see things yet differently. And perhaps, it is a step to be taken.

One step, one day at a time.

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XXOO
EB

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you said
” It is so hard to understand because of the difference in the way I see. So hard to let go of what seemed so true and so good.”

i know, i know.
it’s a daily practice. a daily practice like walking or prayer or yoga. we have to look at what they did that was not true and good, and to understand to whatever degree we can on any given day, that they do not function as we do, do not act with empathy, compassion, or in our best interests, and are not bonded to us. that whatever they are and whatever they experience inside themselves and how they relate to the world, it is devastating for us.

Our feelings of love and compassion, care and commitment were real. Their illustration of those feelings were affectations. it is a big gulf to bridge, it makes NO SENSE to us, but it is the truth.

it takes time and understanding to build our intellectual, somatic and emotional knowledge of this gulf; the dissonance it causes within us and to reconsicile this dissonance.

I wish you the very best on this journey. dig deep and travel. that shiny safe place is you. he is a distorted reflection. i am sorry that this is true, sorry that he was not worthy or your love and commitment, your care and your dreams.

that you cared so deeply tells me that you are worthy of all that you gave to him.

best,
one step

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