D.C. Sniper killing spree was a plot to win child custody
PDF John Allen Muhammad, the D.C. Sniper, will die by lethal injection tomorrow.
John Allen Muhammad and his teenaged accomplice, Lee Boyd Malvo, terrorized the Washington, D.C. area for three weeks in October 2002. In the end, 10 people were dead and three were wounded. The victims, selected at random, were shot while doing mundane chores like pumping gas and loading Halloween decorations into a car.
I’m sure you remember the terror of the killings. But you may not realize that the killing spree was an escalation of a child custody battle.
Psychological abuse
Mildred Muhammad, the ex-wife of John Allen Muhammad, spoke at the Battered Mothers Custody Conference in Albany last January. Her story was compelling—and heartbreaking.
Mildred was married to Muhammad for 12 years, and they had three children together. Muhammad served in the Gulf War and when he returned, he became abusive.
“His behavior turned to possessiveness,” Mildred said. “I couldn’t do anything right. He was trained in psychological warfare—he was a combat engineer—and he used me as his guinea pig.”
Muhammad didn’t hit her, but inflicted psychological abuse. “Every emotion I displayed, he used against me,” Mildred said. Finally, in 1999, she asked for a divorce.
Kidnapped children
Before, during and after their divorce, Muhammad threatened to kill Mildred. He drained their bank account and kidnapped the children, taking them to Antigua for 18 months. Mildred was forced to hide in a women’s shelter for eight months in the Tacoma, Washington area.
She could not afford legal representation. So while in the women’s shelter, Mildred taught herself the law so she could represent herself. Eventually the children were located. Mildred went to court, won her case and was awarded full custody. Then she fled across the country to Maryland.
Muhammad found her. And, Mildred says, that’s why he went on the killing spree. Muhammad planned to kill her, and the rest of the murders were an elaborate ruse to cover up her murder. She would just be another of the random victims, and he could show up as the grieving ex-husband, and claim the children.
Want to win
When John Allen Muhammad was brought to trial, the prosecutor put forth Mildred’s contention that the killing spree was intended cover up the eventual death of his ex-wife. The court, however, ruled that there was insufficient evidence to support the argument.
But after all the stories I’ve heard from Lovefraud readers, I think it’s totally plausible. Sociopaths want to win. Nothing else matters to them. I believe John Allen Muhammad was willing to kill 10 innocent people, at random, just to get his way.
If ever there was a case that demonstrated the lengths a sociopath will go to in order to win, this is it.
No conscience
According to the Richmond Times-Dispatch, Muhammad’s lawyers filed an appeal with the U.S. Supreme Court last week, claiming that the killer is mentally ill and delusional.
But Paul Ebert, the Virginia prosecutor who won Muhammad’s death sentence, said, “This guy had absolutely no conscience. He killed people just like they were flies.”
Mildred also does not believe that her ex-husband is mentally ill.
Support for other victims
Mildred has written a book about her ordeal called Scared Silent. She has also founded an organization in Maryland to support survivors of domestic violence called After the Trauma.
“I started After the Trauma because of my own personal domestic violence experience and thought of all the other women in similar situations who need day-to-day assistance, as I did,” Mildred writes on her website. “After the Trauma is women who are transitioning from a domestic violence situation and are ready to take the next step into ‘freedom.’”
Like many of us here at Lovefraud, Mildred Muhammad has been through an incredible ordeal. And like many of us, she emerged on the other side stronger, and willing to help others along the path to healing.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
Kathleen Hawk says:
Kim, I understand how you feel. I’ve been there myself. (And I love your poetry too. Do you publish? I’d love to read more.)
Human relations get very interesting, in my mind, when I start playing around the idea of letting people be themselves. I mean, I want to be able to be myself and, at least, not be criticized all the time, preferably be understood. I know I spout off sometimes, and have the occasional snit, and I’m not always right. I’d like to be allowed to be imperfect without getting hammered for it. And if I want that, I figure I have to work on giving it to other people too.
And it is work. Because I have the character that I do — which is inclined to sound like I know what I’m talking about and, hell, I give advice for a living — I set myself up for getting whacked a lot. And I’ve made a life study of how to gracefully communicate difficult ideas that may trigger people. I teach people how to do that. But sometimes I don’t follow my own lessons. And I upset people. Which can make me feel terrible, and I have to remind myself that the human mind can be resistant to new ideas and I need to give them time to think about what I’ve said without immediately trying to make things all better.
But as you and persephone have noted, our experiences with the sociopaths really create questions about this idea of being nice. Especially if it gets in the way of talking about what is real and true for us.
In my recovery, I started experimenting with being very real and honest about exactly what was on my mind. I’ve written poetry all my life, very clever and well-mannered poetry. But in this period I wrote poetry that actually scared me. It was so naked, just the inside of my mind translated to paper. It took all the courage I had to read it in public. But I’m working on putting into book form now, because of the response I’ve gotten to it.
In my personal relationships, all this honesty created some bumps. People’s feelings were hurt. Other people judged me as an angry person. I sometimes pushed away people, and then had to go back and say that I’d changed my mind. I let people see the truth of my emotional states, and my most critical thoughts. And not everyone appreciated it. Especially people who felt very constricted to “behave properly” told me that I was rude or arrogant. Some people seemed to think I was trying to gain power over them, because I wasn’t acquiescent or submissive anymore.
But that was a very small part of what honesty did for me. To a much greater degree, it introduced humor into my conversations. It caused other people to share their real feelings with me, and their experiences. My conversations got a lot more interesting. I learned more, and felt more connected with other people. And a completely unexpected result — because I really expected problems — was that it seemed to make people respect me, to treat me better.
But I guess the most interesting thing it did was enable me to have arguments. I’m not sure if this happened just because of becoming honest, or if it was about other progress I made in getting better. But I became capable of having disagreements with other people without getting terrified or without feeling like I had to win or die. I got comfortable with the idea that they had their viewpoints and feelings, just like I did. And since we were individuals, it was kind of inevitable that we weren’t going to see things the same way. Or even want the same thing. And it was okay to disagree about it, maybe even a bonding thing under the right circumstances.
As I write this, it just sounds like common sense. But I can’t tell you how hard this was for me to start, how much courage it took. Part of me just wanted to stop being nice, and was desperately to just talk freely. But the part of me that was so careful not to hurt anyone’s feelings or make waves was driven by fear. Fear of being not liked, fear of being ostracized. I think it came out of my childhood with a violent rageaholic father, and feeling so responsible for protecting the rest of my family by not upsetting him. I had always told myself that being so concerned about other people’s feelings was a virtue, and I was kind of proud of it. But when I tried to make it “optional,” I discovered how much fear was behind it.
I should add that after a rocky start, I got a little better a being honest without being so aggressive as I was at at first. After all, I had all these skills at being nice I could apply to the problem. But I never, ever wanted to go back to the way I was before, because I came to think it was unpleasantly manipulative, all this trying to make people respond in a certain way. I became conscious of other people who were like that, always looking to create a certain effect or always feeling like it was their job to make other people feel better, and it just seemed disrespectful somehow, maybe controlling. Other people are entitled to their feelings too. It made more sense to me to just acknowledge their feelings, to understand them if I could. And I found that I could do more for them, and vice versa, by just being genuine.
I think that the last thing I want to say about this is the idea of how we come to each other to change our brain chemistry, when we feel sad or some other negative emotion. I wrote about it in a previous post, and I often come to LoveFraud, as I think we all do, for this reason. I’m not looking for someone to say something nice to me or even acknowledge my existence, though those things are pleasant when they happen. It’s more that I find something valuable in the different perspectives, and I feel encouraged by watching people on different places on the path. It also helps me to write. Or to have conversations about what’s really going on with me. Part of it is just getting my thoughts out of my head, where I can see them better. Part of it is the mutual affirmation that comes from sharing personal information.
I think that the quality of that sharing — the honesty — makes this a lot different than people in social situations who are just doing “nice” chit chat. It’s thought-provoking. I find my ideas challenged. I find opportunities to practice being the new person I am now, and find out what works and what doesn’t in terms of communication.
For these reasons, I feel so lucky to have a place like LoveFraud where I feel free to be myself. It’s a kind of “home,” as home should be. Taking the occasional whack is part of that, because other people have their own feelings and issues. But I find it important training in honesty and in caring about other people, without being enslaved by the feeling that I’m responsible for their feelings. I’m not. And you’re not. We’re all responsible for our own development as human beings. I know that if someone gets upset with me, that is primarily about them. I also know that if I’m totally misunderstood, it’s an opportunity for me to take a look at how I’m communicating and see if I can do it more effectively. But the real truth is that I can’t control how other people respond, and trying to do that is crazy-making for me and for them.
I’d rather love them for who they are and where they are, whatever it is. Just as I love myself. It’s easier that way, and it doesn’t preclude me deciding that something is too uncomfortable for me to participate in. The ultimate measure of everything is how I feel about it. That keeps me honest, and actually enables me to take care of myself in virtually every way.
I hope this makes sense. Apologies, as usual, for the long post.
Kathy
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kim frederick says:
Thank you, Kathy.
It feel sad, though, and realize I still invest so much in wanting to be liked. I feel sad because I feel like there is something fundamentally WRONG with me. Like I’m not capable of relationships, and I should just give up. It’s too hard, it’s too painful. It’s embarassing, humiliating. Whatever.
A part of me just wants to slip away and fade into my dress.
I was always the lost child.
I’m afraid of abandonment, and emotioal abandonment is the worst. Feeling punished because I marched to my own drummer (God forbid) has always been my experience….So it’s terrifying to do so, and often still results in rejection by people who have an over-whelming need, for what-ever reason, to control. It’s still very painfull and confusing.
But what good is love if its not ME that’s loved, but the very good, well mannered child that always behaves just as she’s told, never expresses an opinion that goes cross-grain. never tells the truth, and never usurps the cast in stone authority of others.
I hate the feeling of shame. Don’t we all? Shaming someone is a powerful tool, isn’t it.
My mom always said, “shame on you”, when she thought I’d
mis-behaved! I guess it must have worked cause I still have shame issues.
Anyway, Kathleen, thank-you for being here and talking with me. It means so much.
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OxDrover says:
We all, I think, want people to like and respect us.
Let’s get to the bottom though, what does “being nice” mean?
Can you disagree with someone and still be “nice”?
Where does “being nice stop” and standing up for yourself start?
Can you set boundaries and still be nice?
Can you give advice and not be angry if it is rejected?
Can you be given advice and not be angry if you don’t like it?
Can you accept criticism of your ideas and not become angry?
These are all questions I think we should ask ourselves.
My own opinion is that we are ‘cranky” when we are out of sync, and we tend to be more critical, easily insulted, angered, etc. when we are “out of sorts” or RAW and so on and things that are in retrospect really minor irritate the crap out of us, hurt us, insult us, etc.
Just as a dog that has been frequently kicked for reasons it doesn’t understand will shy or jump away if someone raises a foot to it. Or other dogs will growl or bite in the same situation (depending on lots of different tings).
I think when we feel strong emotions (of any kind) as a reaction to something someone (anywhere) says or does, we should count to ten (as the old saying goes) and see if we are OVER reacting to something that may be “nothing”—i.e. are we carrying a chip on our shoulder? Are we over sensitive? Are we triggered emotionally?
I think if we will practice this more (and it is something I work on every day) we will all do better in our recovery.
The trauma that suvivors of Ps have been trough leaves us all somewhat edgey, hypervigilent, paranoid, etc. to one degree or another. It takes time to get over these responses, but I think it is a good thing for us to work on in our recovery.
Reaching out to each other here is “risky” but at the same time, there are some wonderful rewards here as well. god bless. (((Hugs))))
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kim frederick says:
Thanks, Oxy. Let me just say, I’m working on it.
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libelle says:
Dear Kim, I can so relate to your statement, to all of it. The feeling of not being loved, the feeling of abandonment, also mom saying “shame on you!”, worse than the lost child, the invisible not noticed child. I mentioned in an earlier post that I did not “get it” in the film “The sixth sense” where all are dead and nobody is talking to the main characters, because that is my reality I now am noticing to my growing horror (and when I say something and somebody reacts at all then it is a swift reprimand).
The X was also very good at putting me down at the groceries, by the way! Not knowing where they put sugar was a HUGE disaster!!! And YES he showed me how to hang the clothes and he forbade me to dry the glasses of his Ex-GF because he was afraid I was ruining them. He was a PhD and I am a simple MD, so he had all the right to question my abilities in whatever field you may think of. LOL. It is always amazing me how cooky-cutter they are, and they seem to have read all the same book!
LF is wonderful for me as I can sit in front of my computer, read, reflect and let slowly go of these feelings and I can work on them, and my “colleagues” have much less influence on my feelings as I can not make them to like me or even to notice me. Yesterday I had a long telephon conversation with a dear friend who really matters to me, and soon I will go to a friend’s vernissage, and the heck with people who try to control MY feelings, try to make me so inferior.
I try to overcome or better to come to terms with this feeling or even better still to endure the tension of loneliness by trying to like myself and be a good friend to myself.
Dear Kathy, I am still not at the point of being “really honest” about my feelings, I am more in the state of exercising my “inner psychopath” to protect my “inner child”, and I experience the power of silence on my side.
And sometimes I feel like being the one poor child in the fairy tale who has to fight the dragon and free all the poor souls that have tried for ages to get the crown and who have failed and are kept in the dungeon by the evil ghost. To free myself from an evil curse that has been passed over for generations.
Oh well, let’s have fun at the vernissage! Have you all a very nice weekend!
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heavenbound says:
Kim,
I am sooo sorry for the other night, while I understood some of the feelings and why the other night….I never meant to apply blame to you ,,, I never meant to hurt you. I hope you can forgive me for not being more considerate of your feelings.
I’m not very good at helping when things go bad but I want to help when it does.
It hurts me that you got hurt as well…and I can honestly say that I understand why and how your feelings got hurt also.
I know I apologize alot but I am sorry for hurting you.
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ErinBrock says:
Kim, Jill, Chic, Heaven, Gem…..
It’s pretty harsh to watch the unfolding of the effects of a troll.
I see a lot of feelings were hurt and things got lost in the chaos of one persons selfish ‘fun’ with anohter…
I made my feelings known that night, and I stand by them.
I was not being mean, I am fed up with the continuation….my feelings were based on my observations of continued behaviors and self proclaimed actions of one person. NOT just from that night.
Kim, I’m real proud of how you backed away and changed pace….growth my dear! You were aware…..and that is great!
I wanted to comment that night….obviously NOT appropriate!
Kudos….
Jill: You were hit by shrapnal of troll and friend, and emotions that ensued with having a troll on board. this is a prime example of WHY members should not participate with someone not here to heal…..again, I am sorry for the buzzkill you experienced with the timing….You have offered so much, grown so much. I wish you nothing but peace! (Jill I am not saying, you were a participant, in any way….you were an inocent bystander that got him from fallout emotions).
Heaven: Crossfire….that’s all I can say to you….
Again….another example of what comes out of troll exchanges. I see you did nothing wrong but try to comfort!
Chic:
Crossfire……youve been here before! Sucks huh! I got your intention and I am glad you popped in to give Jill support and a high five…..When the trolls hijack the emotions…..look out below…..
Gem: Your a firecracker…..I think you nailed it ….called a spade a spade!
————
So all that said……I have something else…..
It’s my opininon – through observation……
That we have a MOLE in our midst.
AS I tell my kids……when I feel danger lurks…….
KEEP YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN!!!!
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kim frederick says:
Thanks, Libelle. I hope you have a wonderfull week-end, and just be the princess having a good time, okay?
Heaven, you have nothing to apologize for. You didn’t do anything wrong……honest.
Thank-you, EB for noticing my victory! It feels good. Hope we all have a lovely week-end, all of us.
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skylar says:
It’s nice to see that everyone is feeling better.
Kim, however else you might feel about yourself, you should know that you come across as very genuine and real and comfortable with yourself – even the parts of yourself you don’t necessarily like. You seem like the kind of person that would be most valued as a friend. It also seems like you never misunderstand anything I say, but see right to the core of me. I like that.
Kathy, thanks for offering such loving words and support. Most everyone is doing their best to smooth ruffled feathers, as we all should.
I wish I could respond to everyone’s comments personally, but too much happened while I was gone and there’s never enough time.
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Stargazer says:
Looking in after the fact, it appears to me that a troll has been here stirring up a pot. I’m SO glad I missed it because I have a hard time ignoring them. Wow, they can be SO destructive.
Jill, if you’re still around, I want to congratulate you on your great news. This is phenomenal!
I could relate to all the comments about hypervigilance. I remember going through some very difficult places in my healing many years ago. I got angry at people a lot and I just couldn’t help it. No one ever validated my feelings, so it was very hard for me to get through this phase. That’s why I don’t mind if someone gets mad at me here. If I hurt anyone, I will be the first ot apologize. But if they are setting a limit or have gotten triggered and are trying to heal, I generally regard this as a good thing. I remember when I used to get angry at women’s groups, friends, boyfriends, and therapists, and everyone thought I was nuts. No one understood what I was doing. It really made it harder, and I felt like I was crazy. I think anger is a very important part of the process.
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Stargazer says:
Kim,
It appears as though no one blamed you for the events of the other night. So is it okay if I go ahead and blame you for the really sucky weather we’re having right now? I just feel I should blame SOMEone for SOMEthing. LOL I also need someone to blame for the fact that on the heels of having my mortgage company hand me several months of free mortgage, my car suddenly needs a lot of work. Who wants to take the blame for this? They say money talks. Mine’s always saying “good-bye”. lol Granted, I’m grateful to have an emergency fund. But I wasn’t expecting an actually emergency for at least a year or two!
Okay, I’m babbling. It’s just my way of checking in, even though I have had no sociopaths on my mind.
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ErinBrock says:
Star:
If i’m not mistaken, Matt takes all of the financial blames….he got good at that…..
My shoulders are broad enought to handle the car break down…..although Amber just got experince there…….
And Oxy…..well, she is the weather Karma cranky one…..she’s got the weather handled…..blame her.
Kim’s innocent here……leave her out of it!
And, well…..it might just be up to you to teach your money another language! I suggest, French with the ‘con’ dialect….i’t's mine, it’s mine?
Good to see you around!
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kim frederick says:
Thank-you, Skylar.
Star, I agree. Anger happens. And it’s a good thing.
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Stargazer says:
LOL EB! Do you think Oxy could flatten these snow clouds with her skillet? Come to think of it, I’ll bet a used skillet could be fashioned into a very functional muffler….
Okay, Oxy is blamed for the weather, EB and Matt will take the blame for financial woes….Kim, I still need to blame you for something….can’t really think of anything…..LOL I’m just messing with you guys.
Actually, the muffler thing is Murphy’s fault. His law clearly states that “whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.” I set out to get my car registration in. But first I had to get an emissions test. But the car wouldn’t test for some unknown reason. The reason was that my muffler is about to fall off. So I have to get that before I can get it emissions tested. But before I could do that, I had to get two new rear tires….Murphy is really the culprit here. (I hope we don’t have anyone on this site named Murphy).
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skylar says:
I’ve been out doing research and have found out the my xP is a very ACTIVE pedophile. It appears this is what he LIVES FOR. All his cons, all the money grubbing, all the drug dealing are to feed his favorite passion. Children.
I have no proof, only word of mouth, but I’ve always suspected it because of the things he has said in the past.
When I was 20 years old he basically lost interest in me because of my AGE. He hates older women. I’m seeing more and more evidence that his problem, is a need to take away the innocence of a child because that’s what he feels was done to him. Concurrently, he is also able to relive his fantasy of still being a child.
This is so sickening to finally admit and know it, that my brain has reverted back to the confused state it was in when I first realized he was a sociopath and never loved me. When I was 17 and going to work each day, he was staying home and screwing 12 year olds.
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skylar says:
Star,
I’ve heard the universe only gives you as much as you can actually handle. I guess you have to stop being so CAPABLE!
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ErinBrock says:
Whachit Star……….you already brought in Murphy, you don’t want Karma to get involved here!
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Kathleen Hawk says:
Kim, you wrote that you feel sad and you feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with you.
I don’t know if you’ve read any of my posts about fugue states, but this sounds to me like a fugue state. An emotional state that recurs in certain circumstances that remind you of the initial time it happened.
What you wrote sounds like some really good work at getting to the bottom of it. When I was writing about fugue states, I defined them two ways. One is that is a neurological route — kind of like the old “Chutes and Ladders” game — that quickly shifts you from the current experience to the historical state. The other was that fugue states have their own brain chemical cocktail associated with them.
I’m getting pretty technical here, and I should probably step back and say that we all have them. And the particular one you’re describing is very close to one that I experienced most of my life. Feeling ashamed, inadequate, outside, not knowing how, and at base, feeling broken in a way I couldn’t exactly define or fix. I often experienced it as a panic attack after conversations or business meetings. (I remember sitting in my car with my forehead on the steering wheel waiting for the fe racing heartbeat and feelings that I should be embarrassed about something to recede.) I also experienced them as total meltdowns in my marriages, where I became panicky and desperate to be told I was okay or forgiven. (Not because I’d done something so awful, but because my sense of confidence or belonging had vaporized.)
You wrote that shaming is a powerful tool. I agree, but particularly in the hands of a parent who is the source of a child’s emotional and physical security. What shame says is “you are not acceptable to me.” It’s a old-fashioned way of teaching ethics to children before they are old enough to understand the principles involved, a response to when they lie or steal or fail to perform in some other way, that is the emotional equivalent of corporal punishment. But worse really, because corporal punishment is usually a repercussion that is clearly linked to a specific infraction. Shame, unless managed very carefully, can become a pronouncement on the character. It’s more vague and also more dangerous in the child’s perception, because it seems like evidence of a fundamental lack in the child. Something wrong with you.
Shame is a social feeling. It’s really important to remember that when we’re looking at our own feelings of shame. It has to do with not meeting community standards (or what passes for community when we get our first taste of it). If we do not meet community standards, we risk losing the security and benefits that come with being accepted.
That’s why shame is so powerful in terms of being internalized into behavioral rules. And why most modern parents use less heavy-handed techniques like time-out to communicate the same lessons, but in a way that allows the child to get the punishment over with and come back into the fold. In addition, modern parents (ones that have studied childhood development) also make an effort to provide alternative “okay” behavioral ideas to children who are too young to understand why they did that was not okay.
I think that a lot of our long-term damage, which I talk about as coping mechanisms that worked when we were children but not adults, boiled down into us taking a lesson from being shamed that seems to be what our parents want, but they’re based on expediency, not principle.
I talk about my iconic re-parenting experience on something that happened when I was three or four. (I say “iconic” because I’m not exactly sure of the time or details, but I’m very certain of the emotional content.) My father’s anger was terrifying. It was also unpredictable and unreasonable. When I first became aware of this, I went to my m other to complain about how my father treated me for no reason. My mother’s response was that it was my job not to make him. angry. I learned two things from that. One was that my mother was not going to protect me and I was on my own. The other was that I was going to have to be very clever to never make him angry.
Keeping my father from getting angry at me, my mother and the other kids became a big part of my life. I became the sacrificial child who took other kids’ beatings because I tried to defend them. I became my father’s “favorite” because I was so eager to please and acquiescent, and lived with the jealousy of my mother and siblings. My anxiety and resentment played out in relationships with my friends. Today I understand why so many of my teachers singled me out for personal encouragement, despite my mediocre performance at school.
For me, undoing this involved going back in memory to that event. When I tracked that fugue state back to its first occurrence in my memory, I was able to be with my small self, as something like a ghost from the future, and judge what was going on from a more adult perspective. I could tell my child-self that she was correct in thinking that my parent were supposed to protect her. And that she was a very smart little girl to survive so well, but now it was time to put that burden down. I would protect her, and she could get back to growing up. (The big tasks of this age should be “good guys and bad guys” play and learning the first social rules based on the dawning understanding that other people had different and separate feelings from ours.)
Talking about re-parenting is hard. It’s a very personal experience that happens almost in an instant, but it changes a fundamental belief about how the world works. It requires tracking an emotional state down to its source, interpreting and judging it anew, and coming away with a different lesson than we learned the first time.
This was not the only major trauma I had to revisit, but there were only a few. These exercises really worked. Each one released some part of me that had been trapped behind the defensive learning that I had survived on, but that had eventually proven to be so dysfunctional in adult life. The released parts were still as young as they were when they got blocked, so I had to live through them growing up. And for me, this explains the progression of the angry phase through its rough beginnings of blaming and outrage through more control and effectiveness as our boundaries and understanding of our needs become better formed.
In conclusion, I’m totally agreeing with your idea that this comes from your background. Maybe you can do something with that insight to untangle that old wiring that doesn’t serve you today. I find that I am still doing it as I discover new bits of vulnerability or dysfunction in myself, but getting those few big ones really changed my life.
Love –
Kathy
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Kathleen Hawk says:
Apologies again for the very long post. I think I just need to write the book.
I missed Evil Clown yesterday. Noticed the post in the morning, but didn’t have time to look at it. It was gone by the time I checked in last yesterday. Just the aftermath was left.
I wish — and this is just me — that we could find a way just talk about ourselves, how things are for us, and then related to each other in that way. Oh it’s like that for you? I can certainly understand because here’s how it is for me.
It’s these generalizations about the group, and observations and analysis of each other that get us into trouble, I think.
I know I’ve been as guilty of this as anyone else, but I really try not to do it. Because I’m always concerned it will sound disrespectful, and because I can’t honestly claim any truth but my own. And I think it’s really the only thing of value I have to offer.
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skylar says:
Kathy,
I understand and agree with everything you said, but what if the little child inside me just doesn’t want to listen?
I’ve come to realize that I’m experiencing these feelings viscerally. The feeling of inadequacy, IS like a panic attack, along with gastro-intestinal disturbances. It seems like no matter how I talk to my little child, it doesn’t listen to me. It wants validation from OUTSIDE, from other people, to feel safe.
I realize that this is a narcissistic attitude. It’s the reason why P’s need to manipulate others, to them that’s validation from outside. But I’ve not been able to get past all the panicky physical sensations when they show up, especially in response to being invalidated or rejected. Sometimes I think that’s why I’ve isolated myself in my life, the less people I know, the fewer people who will be able to hurt my feelings. So I gave all that power of validation to the P. As long as I had him, I felt good, no one else’s opinion could hurt me. Then he turned into mr. hyde and I had no one.
I’m experiencing the same thing being here on LF. I felt so good and validated for a long while, but suddenly, someone decided that they didn’t like what I was expressing about myself, my choices, my way of interacting with others. It makes me feel like I made a mistake opening up and that I should throw the baby out with the bathwater and protect myself again. How does on develop that self-validation and thick skin required to let hurtful behavior bounce off? I feel it in the pit of my stomach and it’s so distracting. It makes me want to run out and find a P who will mirror me and validate me – they are so easy to find.
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skylar says:
Kathy, btw, I DID want to call you “mom” but I decided it would be best not to. Throughout my life, I’ve noticed that sometimes the close bonds between some people will make others feel left out because they are new or haven’t made friends within a group yet. So, I’m trying to refrain from making anyone feel that way in whatever situation I find myself. I want everyone, old and new, to feel equal, if at all possible. I’m not sure I’ve expressed what I mean very well, I hope so. Just know that I do feel like you are my cyber/spiritual mom, but I’m going to call you Kathy.
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Stargazer says:
Skylar, how in the world did you find out he is a pedophile? Are you going to turn him in? Do you know specific children he has hurt? This is a pretty horrible revelation.
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Kathleen Hawk says:
Sky, I think I understand. Getting our child-self to trust us can be a major issue.
The simple answer, or so I hear from other people, is just to ask it, “What is it going to take for your to trust me?”
Which, I guess, is equivalent to asking ourselves what is it going to take for me to trust me?
I had something really interesting happen during my recovery. I’ve written about it before, but not lately. I was on a business trip in London, and got gluten’d at a restaurant dinner. (I had more trouble in England getting restaurant people to get the concept of a gluten-free diet than anywhere else I travelled.) Gluten really affects my brain chemicals fast, and I went to sleep feeling anxious and weepy.
As I was waking up the next morning, I was in a dream. I was deep underground. It was exactly like an underground cave I visited in Belize with a black river running through it. But in the dream I knew that river was bitterness. (Something I wasn’t allowed to feel, because I didn’t want my incest background to “ruin me.”) I stood looking at it, wondering if I dared to stick a toe in it, or if I should just run away and not look back.
Before I could decide, this long ribbon of black started to move and rise up like a being. It reminded me of a cloaked and hooded monk. I couldn’t see its face. And then I woke up in my hotel room with sunlight piercing the curtains to illuminate the yellow walls.
I felt queasy and hungover from the gluten, but I knew in that spectacular London morning that the bitterness I had been suppressing was the wisdom of my memories. I could almost feel that dark entity taking its place behind my left shoulder to whisper warnings and guidance based on what I had already lived through. And that I could depend on it to be the self-defensive factor in my life that I’d never had.
This was long before I really hit my angry phase. I was still trying to sort out whether or not I had reason to classify my ex as a bad person, so that I could stop feeling like I had continue to be protective or concerned about him. In my life, I’d never recognized anyone before as a bad person. I’d always understood everything, or tried to. So this was a big hurdle for me to overcome.
And maybe the dark guardian helped me get there, to make that decision that my ex didn’t deserve to be cared about. I do know that its presence, and the permission it gave me to feel my bitterness and anger, and to learn from my history, was the beginning of learning to trust myself, instead of seeking “strong” partners to protect me. Later when I really released my anger and started consciously building better boundaries and developing my self-defensive skills, I was answering the concerns of my child self with concrete steps to protect us both.
What I found I really wanted and needed was to become my own authority. To not just trust myself to take care of me, but to trust my own vision and to be able to accept the possibility that I would make mistakes on the way to getting things right. Imaging that I had to be perfect was a symptom of not experiencing what it was like to experience life in a normal human way — because in my family it was way too risky to have feelings, make mistakes or think about anything but keeping the monsters at bay.
This is how I talk to myself…
This is how I look at things. I may be wrong or missing something, but based on what I can see and what I feel, this is my best truth for right now. I know I’m evolving, so tomorrow’s truth may be a little smarter, a little more profound or comprehensive than today’s. But I’m working right now with the best I have, and I have to trust that it’s leading me to the next thing I need to know. I believe in my inner wisdom more than I believe in anything else, because I believe that it’s also part of the God spark in me.
I hope this makes sense.
And I know what you mean about the mom thing. I’ve had a lot of wonderful mentors in my life, some of whom are long-dead writers and teachers. If there is a blooming in you that you don’t quite own yet, I’m glad to be your avatar of growth for as long as I serve.
Namaste.
Kathy
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JaneSmith says:
Kathleen,
Blimey! I love reading your posts, but like I said before my booty does tend to become numb after sitting for too long.
When’s the book coming out?…;P
Also, I am one of those cheerleader types who heaps genuine praise upon people who endear, touch, affect me.
I won’t stop doing it either. No way, No how. Can’t make me. It’s an inherent part of my nature, feeds my soul and it just feels too GOOD to witness lovely smiles/giggles/beaming faces created by my sincerity.
Hey, just the way I roll!!
Peace and Love and Joy to every single beautiful, wonderful, extraordinary human being on LF.
Haha…how’s that?
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Kathleen Hawk says:
JaneSmith, you make me feel like a puppy getting a tummy rub.
Oops, you can’t make me feel anything. I am responsible for my own feelings.
Well then, JaneSmith, Namaste. My inner tummy-rubbed puppy lolls contentedly at the feet of your inner cheerleader.
Now, I have to leave, and cook dinner for my pups and me.
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JaneSmith says:
LOL and awwww, Kathleen
You had to do it, didn’t ya? Mention puppies, kitties, butterflies, rainbows, bunny rabbits, unicorns and dragons and I go bonkers! (ok, the last 2 aren’t real. Or are they? hmm)
And you better believe it, lovely lady. I CAN cause you to feel a tad bit of joy and delight. I’m a force of nature, ya know. No one can escape me when I’m practically exploding with happiness and vitality.
Got’s ta share it! It’s a duty and a purpose!
What’s the point in being confident, serene and joyful if I can’t share and spread these sublime feelings with an unsuspecting public?…haha.
GOTCHA!!
xxooxxooxx…
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kim frederick says:
thanks Kathleen. I think I always sought out strong partners, because I didn’t feel strong myself. I always sought out strong personalities……I was very attracted to men who were confident, who knew who they were, and above all, were independant. I was never attracted to someone who liked me Too much. That’s so sad, isn’t it? No wonder I got what I got!
Today, I don’t want anybody. That’s just where I am. I would still probably like the same type, and it’s pointless.
About the horse with the swirl that’s not quite right….Love it.
Reminds me of that crazy look in their eyes, but more.
They say that the seat of all intuition is the third eye, and it resides in that place, between our two eyes, but slightly above. Right where that swirl would be…..So, if a predator were sizing one up……looking into one’s soul, so to speak, for weakness, wouldn’t his swirl be off…..and couldn’t we, as intuitive beings, see it? It’s a metephore for listening to your gut. I’m gonna be paying attention to the swirl.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Star,
Murphy was an OPTIMIST! “anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong at the WORST possible time.”
Ther are long lists of additions to Murphy’s law(s)—but I tell you they are all TRUE. I swear to you they are!
I tried BOINKING the clouds back when we had all those days of days of weeks of months of rain this summer (almost double the normal amount of rain for this area) but it didn’t work. The only thing that the skillet can keep in line is Henry, ,my two sons, and a few of the rest of LF folks, so I guess maybe it is my fault about the weather, I just don’t know how to use the skillet correctly. LOL
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kim frederick says:
Oxy, I beg your pardon? You are the skillet eficionado around here. Do I hear self-doubt creeping in? Oh no. I will not have it. Your boink is the most effective boink I know of.
As far as the weather goes, well, it can be tempermental, and your best to just work on acceptance. That is one thing I learned from my childhood in Seattle, no amount of boinking was gonna stop the rain. (((hugs)))
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Stargazer says:
Oxy, LOL!! You may just need a new, improved skillet. Nowadays, skillets can that text, take pictures, do your dishes, and boink clouds! It’s snowing like crazy right now. I want to go out and have fun. I’m dying to go dancing. But I don’t want to drive in this mess.
Is it normal to find a therapist I really like and then a week later just lose interest and feel like I’m going through the motions talking to her? I’ve become soooo self sufficient….I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I was sitting in her office the other day, and all I could think of was that I’d rather be dancing. And yet the week before, I felt like I really needed to be there. I just didn’t feel like talking this week. Is this normal? Or is it something else? I’m starting to wonder if I’m just too far along down the solitary path for any kind of long-term therapy.
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Stargazer says:
Kim, did you even try boinking the clouds? You say it doesn’t work, but I wonder if anyone has even tried. LOL!!!
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kim frederick says:
Star, I never boinked a cloud, but then again, I never had a magic skillet, either. I did however, jump up and down in the puddles on the streets, hoping that the streaks of red and green neon would somehow dye my. jeans. Never happened. My tennis shoes got wet, and up to my knees in cold and wet Seattle rain I’d walk myself home as if defeated. And then again I’d descend into the streets, to try to harness the rain. I’d find myself soaked, cold and alone, the water beading up and running off my face in rivulets, all the time cursing, with my fist in the air, “damn you, I’d say. Damn the rain…….
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Kathleen Hawk says:
Kim, when you said “It’s so sad, isn’t it?” it sounds to me like you are mad at yourself. Is this true?
If so, how else do you think you could have come out of your particular childhood? Was there some failure of character in the child you were? Was there something she neglected to do?
I spent most of my life with a vague belief that I should have done something to change my family and to change my circumstances in that family. I should have found some way to make my father stop behaving the way he did. Or to save my siblings. Or to convince my mother to leave him, so that even if we grew up in poverty, we wouldn’t grow up in fear.
This was embedded in me, just like the belief that I was responsible for not making him mad. But in my recovery process, I started taking long hard looks at these vague, self-hating beliefs.
Every step I took in my life looked like the right step at the time. Even the most awful mistakes were created by the best efforts of this very good brain of mine to figure out what was the best thing to do. And even when I fell madly in love, I thought that those powerful feelings were what I was supposed to be listening to. (And long after the fact, I realize they actually were. Because the most difficult and challenging relationships were also the ones that taught me the most important lessons for the future.)
There are a lot of things I’d do differently today, if the same situations arose. And I have regrets about some of the pain I caused other people. But I can’t regrets my decisions. They were the best I could do at the time, and that child, girl and woman became the person I am today.
You mentioned the third eye. It is also the sixth chakra, and my understanding of it is something like yours, but a little different. This is how I understand the chakras, and I’m mentioning it because it helps, I think, to understand our developmental path. They go from bottom to top:
1. Security — the grounded red chakra that is related to our brain stem function and pure survival issues. Food, shelter, sleep, physical safety. Associated feelings are Fear and safety/comfort.
2. Sensation — the orange chakra that is related to our limbic emotional system, what feels good and bad, our emotional learnings and addictions. Associated feelings are Discontent/boredom and happiness/delight.
3. Power — the yellow chakra that is related to our left cerebral cortex, reason, influence, categorizaiton, will. Particularly awareness of our individual ability to affect the world. Associated feelings are anger/frustration and satisfaction/triumph.
4. Love — the turquoise heart chakra related our right cerebral cortex and our ability to open ourselves up to connection, compassion and sense of belonging in the great network of life. The heart chakra is the pivotal chakra where we begin to perceive ourselves as more than individuals. Associated feelings are open-heartedness and resistance.
5. Expression — the blue throat chakra related to our forebrain functions of awareness of past and future time, the uniqueness of our experience, the great logic that pervades everything and, of course, our ability to feel all this and choose. Because while language in all its forms is the raw material of expression, what expression is really is choice and creation. Associated feelings are a sense of mobility/freedom and burden.
6 Cornucopia — the indigo third-eye chakra which intuitively grasps the the great web of destiny as a form of divine interest, in which we participate as embodiments of God’s attention. At this level we see beyond the personal, and in fact our egos fade as we sense our role in something that is designed perfectly and in which we can trust. Our “insight” becomes fine-tuned. The associated feelings are trust and distrust.
7. Cosmic Consciousness — the blue-tinged white crown chakra which is fully open to the great everything. It is where we are connected to the divine network and probably resides in scientific terms in the mitochondria, the racial memory of our DNA. I’m not sure there is language for the associated feelings for this chakra, but maybe it would be something like joyous awe with the counterpoint being the pull of karma, dragging us back into the material plane.
I mention these as keys to our progress, because we need to, more or less, develop our conscious awareness and use of each chakra level in our childhood development to move onto the next. If we have never known anything but physical hunger, it is very difficult to imagine progressing up through conscious knowledge and confidence in our own power.
Actually all the chakras are born into us, or develop in our first 20 years or so. They are all working right now in all of us. But our understanding of our experience is based on our consciousness of where we are. We can grow up through the chakra path at different rates in different aspects of our lives. Most of us known someone who was a gifted spiritual leader but who was emotionally retarded in other ways.
But that is also why we can meditate on the sixth chakra and find insight, even though at a conscious level we are still struggling with mastery of power and just getting our first whiffs of the consciousness of love. We are tapping what is already inside of us, but not consciously accessible unless we go looking for it. And if we haven’t truly made our way there yet, we’re going to interpret its aspect in terms of where our consciousness are now. If we are discontented or bored, and looking for a new lover to lift us out of it, the third eye may give us a flash of insight of where to look or who to choose, but it can’t change the experience we must go through to obtain the lessons to move up the ladder.
I’m not talking about this to recruit anyone to my way of thinking. This is not my religion, but one of the metaphors that supports my belief system. The chakras are a model for self-understanding and they are related to ideas of chi or the meridien points of acupuncture. They illustrate the same developmental path that is outlined in the tarot and the runes. All this wisdom is similar, which suggests, if not a common source, at least some kind of racial understanding of the nature of human development and our place in the universe.
If you are interested, I started studying all this seriously after I had a metaphysical experience that lasted a few weeks while I was recuperating from my breakdown in my mid-twenties. It threw me right into the sixth chakra awareness, and if I told you what I saw in those weeks, you’d probably think I was crazy. It not uncommon for people to have these experiences associated with emotional breaks, because the hold of consensus reality (or the veil of Maya) can loosen or thin at times like this. There’s a very good book about the psychology of these experiences call “Spiritual Emergencies” by the Drs. Stanilov and Christina Grof, if anyone here is going through something like it. And for more information about the chakras, I highly recommend “The Handbook to Higher Consciousness” by Ken Keyes.
I’m afraid this may be a bit off topic, but hopefully it’s useful to someone.
Kahy
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Kathleen Hawk says:
Good night, all. I’m heading for the jar of peanut butter cookies and a glass of soy milk for dessert, and then off to bed. Sweet dreams.
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libelle says:
Dear Skylar and Kathy and Kim, thank you so much for your insights!
The shame was always a big issue for me as my whole family was so shameless, albeit always telling me to be ashamed of something (I know this is maybe not making any sense, and in fact it was like this).
Sky, I think the little child in yourself is very much expressing herself, through the tummy! I was very glad that I finally got a physical reaction last year when I was going through my first big fugue state. I was then realizing that it was not about the X but it was about my parents who were absolutely so self absorbed with each other and completely neglecting us that I could FEEL the pain of sitting at the cold stairs with a full bladder and an empty stomach and tired and not knowing when they return, at the age of 6 with two little siblings to care for.
When I felt this feeling in the stomach last year I knew that it is now really “work in progress”, not just “thinking about”, but “working through”, putting the soul into “deep clensing”, “digesting”, even what is unpalatable. I think when I have to “digest” something, it is incorporating the good things and let go of the rest, and I can look at it as “shit” or “manure”, depending where I put it to further fertilize other things or being a constant nuisance (shit and manure were by the way my first words I learned in English besides the bare necessities to be able to talk in a foreign language
).
I have had to learn to cherish my “gut feeling” a lot last year, and it has become my foremost counsel in any aspect of life, be it buying new clothing, getting a new job, even at present at work when I get this strange feeling in my stomach I pay close attention to it and I know I have been triggered and have to do some work or pay attention to something bad going on. I think that the gut is underrated and the neocortex is WAY overrated in that respect! I read somewhere that the gut contains as much synapses as the “real” brain!
The X will numb your stomach again, maybe, when you head back to him. It will impede you from listening to your gut.
You also mentioned: “Throughout my life, I’ve noticed that sometimes the close bonds between some people will make others feel left out because they are new or haven’t made friends within a group yet. So, I’m trying to refrain from making anyone feel that way in whatever situation I find myself. I want everyone, old and new, to feel equal, if at all possible. ”
In my working situation I am now facing that I am left out on purpose by some supposed to be close coworkers. I have learned the hard way that it is the responsibility of everybody to “make friends” or get into a group, everyone on her/his own pace. I am kind to newbies but do not engage in “group bonding” anymore. The ones who desire to know me will approach me anyway and the others are followers of the bullies and that is OK with me too.
Unfortunately the evil ones have brought some of the newbies not to talk to me either. But I cannot force them to talk to me either. The good thing is I discovered the blessings of silence. It is not my obligation to entertain and keep everybody happy, or fill in some emptiness. Very relieving! I used to be a very good entertainer keeping everybody laughing with humorous stories about my dysfunctional family and my own mishaps. Until I discovered that they used it to ridicule me.
Whenever I feel my stomach then I know that there is more assertive training on my part necessary, and that I must and will not be dependable on the rare random niceness of evil bigot people.
Last year I also got triggered by some people here on LF, and I felt even insulted. After a while I decided to not read their entries any more, as also the entries here a an offer to communicate I can accept or not, and as nobody is watching me on my computer it is not even embarrassing the writer.
But I must say you all at LF are blessings, the mix of old and new, different stages of healing, and especially the weekends give me lots and lots of food for thought to make personal progress. Blessings to you all in foggy cold but hopefully snugly november ((((((Hugs)))))
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skylar says:
Kathleen, whew!
so much wisdom in your post, I’ll have to print that one out too. Thanks for bringing me back to the concept of AUTHORITY. I think it’s a key concept to get a handle on with so much “freudian” connotation, that you could write a whole book just on that. Authority is one of the things that N’s envy and become parasitical on. If you don’t get your book out soon, I’ll have enough material to publish my own, titled: The Teachings of Kathleen, how I learned to grow up. I agree that the Chakras can help, so I got some Chakra music. Now I just need time to listen to it.
Libelle,
sometimes I think I’m the only one with the feelings you describe. The feeling that evil people can “smell” that I’m vulnerable and quickly make me the target. Laughter can help, putting your ego aside can also help. But you are right, combining the two, will backfire. Evil people are predictable, you just have to be able to discern what their favorite target is and diffuse it the best you can.
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skylar says:
JaneSmith,
No! please don’t stop being yourself, that’s not what I meant at all! See? How easy it is to say the wrong thing because everyone interprets things thru their own prism? Obviously, I complement everyone too. What I meant is that I just want to be extra aware of how everyone in the “room” is percieving the conversation. It’s hard and I ended up (in this case) making you feel like you needed to explain your compliments. I didn’t mean to do that. I’m glad you will always be generous with your compliments.
Star, I can’t tell anyone how I found out because I’m worried for the safety of everyone and I have no evidence. The evidence is spread out over 25 years in different peoples’ memories. But now I know where and to what kind of person he is targeting. It’s so sick.
The universe gave me an unbelievable, soul-shaking, earth-rattling weekend. I met someone, got a job offer, discovered all this pedaphile stuff and I’m still reeling. I had only went out to run errands on Friday and the coincidences and bizarreness just started happening completely out of my control or direction. And they still haven’t stopped. My mind is overloaded but I’m not scared.
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JaneSmith says:
Skylar,
When I wrote the above post, I wasn’t referring to anything that was said on this thread. It goes back to a dialogue I had with Kathleen. She said that compliments aren’t necessary any longer for her, as she is quite comfortable with her own realistic perspective of herself (slight variation of the conversation, but the meaning is apparent).
Sweetheart, I do understand how sensitive and vigilant many of the folks are on here. I was the same way when I jumped in on my first post over a year ago. I was still realing from confusion and heartache from a recent involvement with a truly messed up dude.
I was uber sensitive, deeply concerned with not being accepted, believed, and offending or being offended. I was super careful with my responses, hopefully treating others with the respect and concern they deserve as I fundamentally realized how cruel words directed to me are like needle sharp daggers prodding at my heart. I did not wish to inflict any harm on people who were on my side. Who were not the sick, evil humanoids preying on the vulnerable.
I’m no longer in that sensitive, easily hurt place. I am healed from that pain and all past pains and misery. It took time to work on the past and to work on strengthening myself. I couldn’t have done it alone. The Triune God has been with me through it all, and I pleaded for help, for the strength to overcome my own inner demons because I very much wanted sublime joy, happiness and tranquility in my life.
I knew that this was possible as I slowly, over time with many prayers, became the woman I really was. That happy, determined, kind, gentle and generous woman who I am now. Today.
I guess I viewed it in simplistic terms: I could be happy or I could be miserable. Make a choice. Choose. And I chose happiness.
I think my confidence came about during my healing process as I became aware I don’t NEED any one person. That I don’t need their approval, their acceptance, their love and concern. I can give myself all these things and more.
Of course, I appreciate kind words, respect and admiration from the people I am super close to or even strangers. The special ones I dearly love and care for. But it’s become more of a mutual admiration society. Goodness and light is always shared and it is quite beneficial for each other.
So, there it is. I am not personally hurt or irritated by any words written on here. What bothers me, what confounds me is the hurt, whether it is misinterpreted, imagined or real, between one or more of you lovely folks.
You are all wonderful and sweet and loving and compassionate so I will admit to being confused with there is conflict. But, seriously, it’s none of my business and you all are mature adults and have been through much worse than having to read a few words on a website. Much worse.
You can work it out and learn, heal as you do.
Peace
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henry says:
I got my Jane Smith fix for the day —:)
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JaneSmith says:
Aww, you’re such an earth angel, Henry.
Why don’t you come on over to my casa and I’ll make you my terrific homemade vegetable soup? So warm and tasty!
And that maniac Jack Frost has made his presence known by slinging some snow showers up here in Idaho. But, it’s cozy and toasty here, in my sanctuary, so no problem.
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JaneSmith says:
Oh, and there’s one more thing I’d like to share.
With my newly formed confidence, I no longer sweat the little things. I have retained my easy going, sunny disposition whether I’m mingling with folks are chillin in solitude.
I strive to take the long view, that my earthly time is not infinite and that I should appreciate and celebrate every wee minute I’m living.
Yeah, I have days where I’m less than stellar in mood but they are fleeting. I simply cannot suppress my inner joy and serenity for very long. Once you experience it, you don’t want to let it go. It feels too good.
I also don’t envy any person in the world. I have everything I need and want, my simple yet satisfying luxuries, my equanimity, my beloved tranquility. No melodrama, no unnecessary chaos, no involvements with toxic people.
True, I don’t have all the answers and sometimes not even aware of the questions. But they will come, in time if they are imperative to my continuing psychological and spiritual growth.
Just get to know yourself and to believe in yourself. Remove all self-doubts and unhealthy, negative thoughts and ideas most likely created by toxic parents and later people in your lives.
But you know what? I’m grateful for knowing such people in my life. By realizing the darkness, the total harm and suffering perpetrated by people, I most assuredly, emphatically appreciate the light. I can now discern what is harmful to me and what is and can be beneficial.
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OxDrover says:
Janie, dear, you put things so clearly. I’m coming to the same conclusions, that we just have two choices—the “dark side” or the LIGHT.
May “the force” be with you, I too, choose to walk toward the light. I think in the past I let things distract me that are really not, in the big scheme of things, important. Learning to focus on the things that ARE important, it makes things much more simple in the end. Much easier to focus on what is right, what is good, and realize that you cannot compromise on some things, and those things are important. The things that are not important are easy to compromise on.
“don’t sweat the small stuff, and keep in mind that it is mostly small stuff.”
Thank you Janie for sharing your wisdom with us. (((hugs))))
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JaneSmith says:
Oxy Pooh,
Yes! We are moving in the same direction, on the same page with each other! Isn’t that awesome?
Both of us have been visiting LF for about the same time, but you, doll, have given a tremendous amount of care, time and energy to the sweethearts on here who truly needed a kind hand to hold and a shoulder to cry upon.
I really don’t know where you get the energy, sos all I can say is…YOU ROCK!!…haha.
Oh, and THANK YOU very much, dearest, for sharing your priceless wisdom and sweetness with me!
Big hugs and lotsa love
PS…thnxs for including a star wars reference. you know the nerd in me loves that stuff.
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Kathleen Hawk says:
What a great thread!
So many people becoming their own authorities. We should do a calendar. Something like “Sayings from Chairman Mao,” but maybe “Sayings from Chairman Me.”
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henry says:
Kathleen Can we be naked on the calendar? Love Fraud Members Bare All?
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libelle says:
Dear JaneSmith, yea, let us start the new week in the “sweat shop of small things” with your attitude! You rock! It was so heart lifting reading your empowering words, thank you so much!
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JaneSmith says:
Libelle,
I have received your thank you and would like to offer YOU my own thank you very much! The magic of reciprocity! Ta-da!…haha.
I know it’s much more involved that a simple, sincere sign of appreciation, but it’s all I can do sitting in front of a computer monitor.
If whatever I have written touches someone, helps them with their own healing, brings on a smile or some chuckles then I feel as if I have given something back in the process. That’s what matters to me.
You’re such a sweetie. You deserve so much of the good life. Don’t forget it, ya hear?
Hugs
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JaneSmith says:
Oh, I would concur with Kathleen about missing the invasion of a predator troll the other night.
You know what I’ve learned about internet predators? That they are insufferably BORING! Big time yawning material. I start counting sheep whenever I happen upon some of their dubious drivel.
I probably would have gone into protective hyper mode, like a mother goose gathering her chicks to her, if I’d been on LF when he/she infected this website. Not that anyone on here needs my protection but it’s part of my nature to try to protect others from any type of harm.
They can’t hurt me, offend me, and they certainly don’t terrify me. Hah, as if!
Hey, I’ve had plenty of real life experiences with predators so some slimoid on the internet seeking to cause chaos and self doubts within myself is sooo out of his/her league.
I have emerged victorious, the true winner, from stupid involvements with stupid, toxic people. So there ain’t no way in hell I’m going to let ANY predator affect me or even get near me.
We’re the complex, interesting, compelling people. They are basically trite, banal, and excruciatingly dull.
Ho hum…
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