Believing the unbelievable sets us free
PDF By Ox Drover
There are some things in life that we accept as “truths” whether we understand just why they are true or not. We accept that the world is essentially round, that it revolves around the sun, that light is white and the absence of light is dark. We don’t have to truly understand exactly how these things work or why they are true, we just accept that they are true, and when we lie down to sleep at night and the sky is dark, we trust that in the morning the sun will be shining again. That is just the truth. That is just the way things are.
Sometimes we are told by people we love to believe the unbelievable. We don’t want to believe it any more than we want to believe that the sun may not come up tomorrow morning, or that if we drive or float far enough that we will fall off the edge of the world. But somehow, slowly, we start to believe that we can’t make it without the psychopathic partner to tell us how things are. We are compelled to believe them or to give them up. We make ourselves believe that we are mean, controlling, worthless, and that we couldn’t live without them. We make ourselves believe that our lives would be devoid of happiness without the psychopathic partner, mother, sister, brother, child.
The very thought of leaving them becomes unthinkable. The very thought of them leaving us terrifies us, and we scramble to do anything to make them stay, to make them love us. We endure the crazy-making; we force square pegs of falsehoods into round holes of what we can see with our own eyes, force them with a hammer if necessary.
When we are sad, we lie and paint on a face with a smile, so no one else can see that we have failed again to make the psychopath happy, that we aren’t really worthy for him or her to love us. Our painted faces don’t fool those closest to us though, and they know we are unhappy, but not why. If we try to share our truths with them, they don’t understand, which makes us even more unsure of ourselves. There is no validation. We only want consolation from the one that twists the truths and hurts us; he or she is the only one who can salve our wounds and make us feel better for a while.
But then they strike out again, sinking the venomous fangs of words into our flesh. We feel the pain with each strike, straight to the heart. We argue and try to defend ourselves, but they project the pain back to us—it really is our own fault, if we would just try harder everything would be wonderful.
We know we are trying hard, we know we are giving all we can give, but it isn’t enough, it’s never enough. It’s all because we didn’t believe enough, didn’t trust enough, we have to have faith. No matter if our eyes see the sky is dark, we must say it is light. We must believe it is light. We must believe they love us. To not believe is not possible; it would be too painful. What person who loved us, truly loved us, would stay with anyone like us if they didn’t truly love us and want to make us better for them? They work so hard at helping us be perfect, but we just never measure up. We must believe the unbelievable, that we are worthless.
But one day, we wake up, and the sun is really shining, and we see the truth, the real honest to God truth. We have believed the unbelievable, we have violated ourselves by denying the truths we saw, the truths we knew. We have sold our souls to this person who really didn’t love us at all. Our life can go on without pain, without twisting and turning to put the square peg of falsehood into the hole of truth.
Only the round peg of truth will fit into the round hole of truth. The square peg of falsehood held by our lover, our friend, our relative, won’t fit. No matter how we try to cram it in, or how much of a failure they tell us we are because we can’t make it fit, we see. Really see!
It doesn’t make a great deal of sense to try to cram that square peg into the round hole. Why didn’t they just accept the truth? Why did they demand we believe the unbelievable—that they loved us? People who really love us don’t treat us this way. They encourage us, not denigrate us. They support us, not knock us down.
But most of all, people who love us, really love us, do not demand that we believe the unbelievable—their lies. Then we realize that isn’t myself that is the lie, it is them. The very ones we love that are the lie. Our lives can go on and go on without the pain of trying to make ourselves believe the unbelievable—that they love us.
But we have a child together—they must love our child, all parents love their children. How could my own mother not really love me? All mothers love their children. I’ve been a good: wife, mother, friend, lover, parent; how can they not love me? It’s unbelievable that they don’t love me. I can’t believe if I try harder they won’t see the truth and love me back. Surely there is some magic phrase that I can find and say to them that will make them see. It’s unbelievable that they can’t see how they hurt me.
There comes a time when the unbelievable becomes believable and we face the truth. The painful truth that the one we love most in the world doesn’t love us. It is not unbelievable anymore; it’s a fact, just like the sun comes up in the morning. We don’t have to understand how or why the truth is the truth, we just have to believe the truth. The truth will set us free. Free from the pain of square pegs in round holes.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
JaneSmith says:
Isabell!
Oh my goodness! That was an awesome and truly inspiring post you wrote. I actually got a lump in my throat more than a few times. Beautiful and wonderful.
So, so happy for you. I will not even presume to understand your travails, your numerous responsibilities, your concerns but I can cheer like a dork at the major victories occuring in your life. Created by you and for you and your precious children.
Bravo to you, lovely Isabell. Will continue sending out those positive joojoo/mojo vibes because a little backup never hurts.
*huggles*
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Rosa says:
Persephone:
I am playing doubles at 5:30 tonight!!
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Isabell says:
Witsend,
I’m hoping this job will fill in the caps of my self esteem. I tend to isolate myself when I’m scared, down, insecure. I have a group of close friends through Church, but…as much as they ARE wonderful, there is a limit on what they understand, and the length of time they are willing to hear about the chaos my ex continues to create. It is almost as if I had cancer, and my hair is falling out — they have indirectly asked me to wear a wig so they wont be disturbed by the fact that the treatement for cancer is taking sooo long. I’m sure they don’t mean it this way…but, in their good intentions, the message is loud and clear — Enough! So then what do I talk about? Every aspect of my life is about survival. Everyday is influenced with the affects of what he has done, and continues to do. So, I went to a BBQ, and bit my tongue when asked how things are. There were four single parents in various stages of their divorce. And, two married couples present. There were (normal) stories of the divorce process, which are easier to swollow, and digest. Since my on-going issues are not normal, nor easy to digest… I had nothing to contribute. And, for the first time with this group, I felt totally out of place. The kids and I left early.
Here, I can share the hurt, fear, struggles and triumphs; it’s all intermingled. And, here…I don’t have to unravel, or edit to explain. I’m understood.
Again, as I type this….I received notification that I had a message on my facebook account. Upon checking it, my ex and his new wife, have become friends with six of my friends on facebook, and I’m sure the number will grow. I had to block them, and subsequently block my friends. I deal with this daily.
With this new position, I am hoping to expland my world, so I can climb out his nightmare. A little history. We’ve known each other since I was 14. We grew up in the same city, which I moved away from. He dragged me back. Our circle of friends we developed together, he turned against me. With facebook, there has been opportunity to reconnect with old friends. Now, as of today… he’s managed to.. (rather his wife the jezeebel, gold-digger) has managed to broadcast her barbie doll image, associated by his name, across this area of my life, as well. Even professional sites I’m posted on, she manages to get her digs in. It’s more her, then him. He’s not as technologically advanced.
Thank you for your supportive encouragement.
ShabbyChic, Thank you!!!!
I have to run out…to pick up kids, but I will be back to follow-up.
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witsend says:
Hi Rosa,
Enjoy your tennis game.
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witsend says:
Isabell,
I understand what you are saying about your friends and your inability to be able to talk with them about this. Mainly because they don’t want to “hear” it anymore.
I do have much of the same problem. I have a handful of close girlfriends but when I am in absolute misery over what is going on here, they are clueless.
It takes so much energy to try and even put this into words that they might understand. And they still don’t get it. Also because I am talking about my son, there is no way that anyone can REALLY relate…..The minute you mention anything about a teenager, it is always, well he’ll grow out of it. Or he is just going through a phase.
My circle of friends have mostly known me for a long time. They know that I am a level headed person. But this is just really to much for them to wrap their brain around. Most of them are of the opinion that he will learn things the hard way when he goes out on his own.
After awile you just stop trying to explain it. And in many ways that just adds to the isolation that you feel even when you are with people.
I am glad that you have the stepping stone (new job) to begin to expand your world past this nightmare.
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persephone7 says:
Isabel:
Wanted to really be sure I read your whole earlier post about your interview and kids – I may be looking for a different or even additional job if some of my art endeavors don’t pay off soon – so I can relate to cleaning that car, polishing up the wardrobe, just getting yourself in the right frame of mind to forge ahead.
Your kids sound like they are well-grounded and sensitive like you. It’s a
wonderful thing to see your own children blossom and I know my son and daughter have made me so proud – and I know they accept me, even when
I fall now, they have not gone away from me and I feel especially grateful
for that – my heart goes out to anyone here who must struggle with their
very own children making them fight an uphill battle. Right now I’m praying
to resolve some things with my own brother and sister, they’ve always
been closest to each other, I love them but sometimes don’t always like
them and it makes it hard to always want to relate…My sister I just want
to be very gentle with because she will not be with us much longer.
Hope the grandparents appreciate that letter, sure it made your daughter
feel better to put it down on paper and express her (and your!) feelings
to them once and for all.
Go Rosa, hope you had a good game – I’m going for a bike ride while
sun’s still out…See ya!
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persephone7 says:
witsend: before I logout, I saw your note about relating to other people –
when I go to tennis – most of the people there seem happily married, not
even many single people there – and most of the couples seem fairly well
off financially, good many already retired. So I don’t talk much about my
own world that much, we all like each other on a kind of surface level but
I feel somewhat the odd duck – and I don’t go into my private life. I think
they do wonder about my ‘love life’ as they all think I’m attractive, I can
flirt with some of the guys harmlessly, even some of the single ones. But
I’ve been ‘unavailable’ myself for so long because of this other ‘private’
relationship I keep to myself, that no one (not even relatives) really ask
much anymore about who I’m ‘dating’…so it has cut off that open, happy
sharing aspect of having an ongoing, great relationship here in town! I
don’t really worry about it, as you said, witsend, I have my own close
friends who’ve known me for years and they appreciate me, but want me
to be whole and happy, too.
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witsend says:
perephone7,
Thanks….I think we can all relate to how this isn’t something you can just speak about with anyone and have them understand….
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Cat says:
I just discovered this site and I’m soaking everything up like a sponge. This person has not yet left the house, but I have finally made the leap from believing the unbelievable to understanding there is a world of illusion these people live in that I neither want nor need to understand. I know, truly, there is so much more freedom on this side of the fence than on the side I spent so much time and energy agonizing on. Will write more later…right now I’m just soaking up the fact that I’ve found a place where I’m not alone. God Bless!
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OxDrover says:
Dear Cat,
WELCOME!!!! You have found the ultimate in information and support! glad you are here! God bless you!
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Isabell says:
Oxy,
I totally agree with you on raising kids with life skills. As we struggle to muddle through these transitions, I’m shocked by how often comments are made by other parents such as, “My kids would NEVER help around the house like your kids do. Everytime I come over here, your kids are washing dishes, running the vacuum, cleaning the pool, doing laundry…Howe do you get them to do it?” Funny how perspective is…I don’t think they do near enough, cause the house is always a mess! My house is a house where kids live…What more can I say?
What woke me up to training the kids life skills was a book called, “To Train Up a Child.” A simple read, but powerful. The idea is that kids, by the age of 8, are capable of running a household, except where true strength is required. This was the book, I based my home schooling boot camp on. Two weeks of setting out the expectations, showing how things are to be done, making lists, and inspecting the progress. There were rewards, and consequences. After that two weeks, I never had to tell them to do anything again, for two years.
Our life is more complicated, and there are other influencing factors that have interupted this flow. We WILL be addressing these issues shortly.
I took your advise and talked to the kids tonight. It’s funny, the teens are really excited I’m going back to work, it means things won’t be as tight as they have been. My youngest is bummed. She likes having me home. The lack of funds doesn’t matter to her. So, tonight, we spent a little longer reading together.
I overheard the kids talking. They have a week off at Thanksgiving. They are making plans to really scrub down the house, and get rid of things they no longer use, or need, to surprise me, while I’m at work. YIPPY!!!!
Annie, Persephone, JaneSmith, ShabbyChic…
What a cheerleading section you have been. Words will never begin to express the powerful influence this has on me, at this particular time of my life.
Persephone… I lost 90 pounds before, training for a marathon. The weight came off pretty quickly. I started with 10 minutes walking. That’s all I could do. I’d be so winded. But, I could do 10 minutes 3 times a day. Then I could walk 15 minutes, then 20. Then I’ tell myelf to walk through (on treadmill) through an episode of anything of interest. Then I would walk through two episodes, pretty soon, (and much was fueled by anger; I was still with my ex) I would crank the treadmill up to an incline of 10 and go for 10 miles.
When everything came crashing down, I was 90 pounds lighter and easier to pick up and toss. He also used my weight loss as evidence to convince other’s that I was having an affair (when really he was for nearly 10 years of our 14 year marriage – didn’t know this till after NC). The fact that my lighter frame made me easier to toss, and was used as evidence to discredit my character, I gained all of it back. How sad is that?
What is my motivation to lose the weight now? Hmmmm? I think enough time has passed, allowing evidence to surface that exposes him as the liar. People that believed him, now come to me and tell me that he’s lost all credibility with them, and this is his own doing, and nothing I had to say. My kids are questioned if I’m dating or not. It’s been almost five years, and I still have absolutely NO interest in dating, at all. I don’t have the energy. I don’t have the time. I don’t want to add more chaos to my kids lives. My focus is providing for, and raising the kids — Period. And, with that, I became very concerned about my weight affecting my ability to raise them long enough for them to be independant. If something happened to me…he’d be free to destroy their sense of self worth. I CANNOT EVER LET THAT HAPPEN!!!
Since I’ve lost 22 pounds, my blood pressure has dropped from 138/80 to 114/60 (today) Whoo hoo!!!! I still have 70 pounds to lose, but it’s a start. How’d I do it… If it’s white, don’t bite. If it’s processed, give it a rest. If it tasts good, spit it out. A handful IS a meal, and not a snack. High protien, lots of green veggies, and apples. Only brown rice, and whole grain bread. Lots of water. My only vice is non-fat hazelnut creamer in my coffee.
I keep thinking…the longer I hold onto this weight, the longer it will take me to increase my income… the longer he will have to control, manipulate, and threaten me financially. So, now I have to reverse my thinking from before. I gained the weight back to feel safe. There is a couple lines in a (which I can’t for the life of me, remember the name of the group, and love them..anyway) The weight I gained meminds me of these lyrics, “I wrapped myself inside a blanket and sailed my ship to safety – until I sank it.” The extra weight kept me safe from being picked up and tossed. It kept me safe from other preditors who want to swoop in and rescue. It kept me safe from the temptation of wanting to be rescued.
I don’t want to sail this ship of safety till I sink it. And, being overweight and overstressed is sure fire way to sink the ship.
The weight doesn’t serve a purpose for me, anymore. So off it goes.
Annie
my daughter is truely remarkable. I wish I could take credit, but she was born this way. The first time I held her, and looked at her little face, I saw a fighter. I said, “This child is not going to take crap from anyone.” And, she certainly hasn’t. I HATE confrontation. She doesn’t hesitate to confront, and is NOT easily pushed off her point. She’s a truth seeker. When dealing with her, the truth, and only the truth, or she will call you out – and, it doesn’t matter to her who you are, or what position of authority you have – if you are a hypocritical liar, beware. People of the MASK cannot stand up against her passion for the truth. Her opinion cannot be bought as the grandparents, the ex and his new wife have found out. She’d make a great lawyer, but I don’t think she could represent anyone that she didn’t totally believe in.
My greatest influence with her has been to honor what God had already given her – clearness of thought, discernment, rational reasoning, and a built in lie detector.
Witsend…
“After awile you just stop trying to explain it. And in many ways that just adds to the isolation that you feel even when you are with people.” EXACTLY!!!!!
The magnitude of it all is too much for most to comprehend. So even sharing the small victories doesn’t compute in their perceptions as a victory, but more dwelling on the negative. A good friend, who is quite helpful with my youngest said…
When you get all this stuff final, we are going to have a bond fire, and you are going to throw all those boxes of papers into the fire, and we will celebrate that this nightmare is over, and has no more control of you. And, you will never speak of it or your ex again.” In that instant, I imagined 17 years of my life fade away; no longer valid, the bad or the good. As much as I want this all to be over, I don’t want to throw away the baby in the bath water, either. Again, I used this analogy earlier, it’s like saying…”Once you’ve recovered from your cancer, you can never speak of it again.”
I didn’t say anything in response. I’m still processing it. She’s been an amazing player in my recovery, but I’m not willing to let ANYONE tell me which parts of my life exprience are valid, and which parts are not valid; good, bad, or indifferent. Does this make sense?
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a_real_wife says:
Hi all,
I’m just catching up on LF posts tonight. Nice post Oxy, and there are some great responses.
Oxy, the answer to who wrote
For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
the saddest are these, “It might have been!”
is John Greenleaf Whittier
Classes have been keeping me hopping, seriously! So I have to catch up with the articles a comments afterhours, so to speak. So I haven’t been commenting much lately, but I have been reading the various threads, and seeing new “faces” – people contributing and looking for advice.
Take care all,
ARW
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Spirit40 says:
Hi everyone … its been a while..but Im back…I have a hard time seeking out help , isolating myself ,telling myself I can do it on my own and even more so to ask my so called “family” for help lets see where I am at now after letting him squirm his way back…. I have no job, a car that needs repair, facing an eviction, trying to finish this semester with 4 more classes left to my BLS Bachelors liberal studies in social welfare….. just barely enough left to move and survive… oh Ill stay and make sure your both “safe” or Ill go to a program with no idea how long it will take.. so what if he is sober that dosent cure it its a mask a symptom…ugggghhhh I am at the point where I am just wanting to have a big moving sale I am not materialistic I just want to start fresh I know I am capable of having a “normal relationship” and I deserve it and my child deserves to see that this was wrong on so many levels. Oh and how much weight I have gained sitting around not working… no energy not caring if I “look” good for who he didnt want me the way I am or will be and I am Dumb ass woman anyhow right… women are not smart.. he is superior all know I know what is best for us… yeah ok that is why I supported his lazy ass! and he sponged off of me ! for years until it came to this new beginnings are hard but I just need to remember that it was mostly all lies smoke and mirrors twisted and demeaning…. we are better off…. phew that was alot but all true ! my feeling are real!
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Spirit40 says:
My spirit is awake… dancing around my living room to Beyonce Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare!!!!!! ooww waayyy ouuuuuu whoo hoo ! I am FREE
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Donna Andersen says:
Spirit 40
Welcome back – please feel free to express what you need to express. We all know what you’re experiencing.
Be strong. Kick the guy to the curb and move on. You can do it. You can rebuild your life.
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Spirit40 says:
Thank you! Donna I just stopped listening to myself …. my instincts my gut ignorance is not bliss…. ! I am happy to be back
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OxDrover says:
Welcome back Spirit! ISABELL, you are a woman after my own heart! I’m so glad you are not also dealing with an out of control household of kids, and that makes a big difference. My P son didn’t get out of control at all until after I was through school. That at least helped!
Well, guys, it is one of (probably) the last few days of wonderful fall weather, sunny, crisp and wonderful so I am going to get my lazy arse out and up on my Fat Ass (for those of you who don’t know, my Fat Ass is my donkey Fat) and go for a ride while it is wonderful weather!
Keep it between the ditches, and I am so glad to see all the folks returning and all the new “faces” here at LF!
TOWANDA for us all!!!! (((hugs)))) Oxy
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ErinBrock says:
Isabell:
I AM THRILLED FOR YOU!!!!!!
GIRL…..it’s looking UP! GREAT NEWS…..Job, kids, EMPOWERMENT, Self Esteem…….YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!!!!
This is what happens when we take control….and yes….sometimes it’s just the appearance to others (kids) that we got it all handled…..and are faking it……but it becomes contageious and LOOK….here you are!!!
I can so relate with the faking it roll…….Fake a smile, fake i’m okay, fake a clean car! I do it all……but it becomes real at some point! And it beats that damn frown!
Work off your momentum. Don’t give that stack in your bedroom any stress….REALLY…..I know that stack…..just keep plugging through it and knock that off too….
It’s drudgery…..but totally necessary for the next success!!
I’m very proud of your daughter also, for taking the bull by the horns on her emotions re; the GP’s…and expressing herself in written form.
You have done a wonderful job with her, darling! Give yourself CREDIT!!!
The clean car….oh, how I can relate…..it’s like a clean desk to me…..and lately….NEITHER has been clean or presentable….so I too did something about BOTH this week! There really is something about driving a clean car…..
My car is used for business, it’s a constant load/unload…stuff here, stuff there……But….it’s clean now….and I am glad you got to park right outside the door and dazzle them with the sparkle….
All I have to say….Isabell….IS….YOU GO GIRL!!!!!
XXOO
EB
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prairiegirl says:
I am new to the Lovefraud Blog – I am comforted to find so many other people who understand what I have been through. Before today, I have never had a name for the insanity; it defied explanation. I would try to explain to friends or co-workers, and no one ever understood. I have been divorced from the sociopath father of my children for 18 years. I was so relieved after my daughters wedding, to know I would never have to deal with him again. But this week has proven me wrong. Here is where the phrase “believe the unbelieveable” caught my eye. My ex is what can be described as a “serial marrier”. Every woman he has ever been attached to fits the victim profile to a tee. Everyone of us would score over 30 on the Quiz! Those of us who have know each other have a certian comradarie – a bit of an ex-wives club thing going on; we have been a support to each other. What has now became the unbelievable, is the fact the we were never legally married to this man. In between all of his infidelity, the emotional and mental abuse, and the money problems, the marriages he rushed us into were never legitimate. In my case, I was young & he was (well, YOU KNOW) and he said he handled everything, and I didn’t need to worry about a thing. A Pastor that was his friend married us. Now, 23 years later, I find that there is no marrige on file, and there never was. The wife after me, he did this to not once, but TWICE. She divorced him, and then he talked her into another marriage, which also does not exist on paper. He is now married again, (?) another rush job to a woman who sold her house, paid off his bills, and put him on her checking account. I am contacting the wife prior to me, to have her investigate her marriage record. The two before that, I do know were legitimate.
I am wondering, has anyone out there heard of someone doing this to this many women?
Thanks!
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ErinBrock says:
Prairiegirl:
Yep…..
I guess you just need to figure out WHY he was doing this…..
I would suspect it was what he could TAKE from the women…financially…and he had no risk because he knew the con…..
Welcome Prarie……and congratulatons on your daughters wedding.
EB
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amber says:
Prairiegirl,
Welcome. Glad to have you here. You’re story is like so many others, finding out that you’ve been living a lie. Finding this place was so wonderful for me. I know what it feels like to have NO ONE understand you, but here it’s different. So you’re in the right place. Happy that you’re educating yourself and moving forward. Good for you!!
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OxDrover says:
Dear Prariegirl,
Welcome to love fraud, and apparently your “love” (marriage) was a legal fraud as well.
sounds like you earned your “place” here at LF as well, and all the other “ex-UN-wives.”
Actually, maybe you should be glad you were never legally married to this piece of filth!
To answer your question, oh, YES! That and worse!
I hope you will hang around LF and read the articles in the archives, there is a great deal of good infromation there to help you sort out what THEY ARE, but also to help you put “paid” to the trauma that this creep has put you and the other women through as well.
Again, welcome, you are in good company here!
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prairiegirl says:
Thanks Everyone!
This all does really put a differnet spin on things. I have forwarded this link to my adult daughter, and another ex-wife. We have all worried about my son (now 21) becoming his father. My son himself has expressed concern about becoming a person like his father. Reading the articles about raising children with a socio father has been good. Even though my children are grown, I feel like I did something right in raising them, and they have grown to recognize what their father truly is. Information is power, I believe.
thanks for the welcome! I will be hanging around!
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geminigirl says:
Oxy, dear, have you had any info re Lily yet? I think you said youd tried to reach her by phone, with no luck. I wonder if shes home yet, or still convalescing?I know youll let us know as soon as YOU know! Much love, gem.XX
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skylar says:
EC,
tell us about your mom.
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skylar says:
EC,
well….
she wasn’t always dead was she?
tell us about how she was when alive. How did your father treat her and what are your memories of her?
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skylar says:
So, lay back on the couch EC,
tell me who you hate.
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skylar says:
I can’t say EC, just your name throws everyone off so much that the P-radar goes into full alert.
In my case, I just don’t care about cyber-p’s, it seems ridiculous to worry about someone who can’t touch you, so I thought I’d ask you some questions. You have been a perfect gentleman, I wasn’t able to hang you. Still don’t trust you but I won’t hang you either. You will hang yourself if you are a P, they always do.
Sorry it’s been so weird on this site. gotta get some sleep. gnite.
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ThornBud says:
P’s are not evil. They are CORE OF EVIL
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tami says:
I’ve accepted that sociopaths suffer from a personality disorder just like the docs say. It’s all I can believe. I also have come to appreciate the importance of having a conscience and even the fact that I can “feel”…even if it is not always the happiest of emotions. I honestly don’t believe that most sociopaths KNOW that they are sociopaths. I actually believe that they feel that they are perfectly normal and believe that everyone else is more or less just like them. We, as victims, believe them to be straight from the very pits of hell simply because of the pain they inflicted upon us. Honestly, my ex S acted totally confused by my reaction to having found out about all of the “evil acts” that he had committed against. He just really didn’t see any of it is a “big deal”.
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ThornBud says:
PERSONALITY DISORDER, it is just a term. Flu is also disorder.
BOTH are SICKNESESS. P’s are SICK, they contaminate surrounding and even can kill, like any other plague.
I can’t accept that they are not aware. One can not endure, enjoy and use wealth HE IS AWARE HE DID NOT CREATE, not being aware that somebody else had to earn it for them, and same time giving NOTHING to pay it back.
If u find urself in desert without water, u will take care of every sip, u won’t bath and cool urself. THEY WILL if there is someone else to provide it, or they believe thay can steal it!
If u, me, or any NORMAL person find ourselves in such situation, we would take care, we would share. They DON’T !
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ThornBud says:
They REFUSE to see consequences, the same way as we refuse to see the truth. That is something in common
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ThornBud says:
Obviosly i am back to angry phase
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ThornBud says:
If i saw on my bank account that there is some money i KNOW i did not invest, i would go to the Bank and ask what is it about? Is it soe mistake? P’s WON’t! They will get it, spend it, believing they are entitled. For God sake, after all, its THEIR account, and anything on it is their posession. They have NO CONSCIENCE. Thai IS A DISORDER.
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tami says:
LOL! I find myself back to the angry phase sometimes, too! Yes, I consider a “disorder” pretty much the same as being “sick”. However, what is so bad is that there is NO recovering or cure for this disorder. Most people recover from the flu.
It’s confusing. I’ve been told that they don’t know right from wrong and don’t consider the consequences of their actions. If that’s true…I can’t figure out why all of them aren’t in jail! So, all I was really saying is that in order to comfort myself, I’ve just accepted that they have a disorder or that they are very sick people. It I get stuck in constantly thinking about their evilness, I find that I STAY angry and it interferes with my new life. So, it’s my own pathetic way of coping…I guess.
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tami says:
Yeah, mine felt that he was entitled to every other man’s wife or girlfriend as much as he was to his own!
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ThornBud says:
Sometimes, humans tend to use “soft” words for hard things. Denial? Maybe…just another kind to comfort.
“Disorder”, for instance
As for me, being P/S is not disorder but ILLNESS, and, unfortunatelly, not illnesses are curable. So “P disorder” for me is tot curable desease. Full stop.
My dear Tamy, angry phase takes own time. What i noticed with myself, whenever i pass through “angry phase”, i become less dependant of S. And, i believe its GOOD !
Keep on walking, dear…be angry! Ur anger is like antibiotic for infection of P/S !
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luv716 says:
I am so in the angry phase, every time I stuggle to maintain my house hold I become angrier and angerier It hurt so damn bad that I cant explain the emptyness thats in the pit of my stomach I know for me its the fact I allowed someone to play me like a fool, I honesty did love this (S) like he was a real man.I know to hate is wrong but how can I not hate a person who damn near left me pennyless, gone on with his life like mine wasn’t sh*t!!!!
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tami says:
luv716: Wow! I could easily written exactly what you just wrote a couple of years ago. I found myself facing those same challenges! I wasn’t just ANGRY, I was enraged! I honestly feared what my reaction might be if I ran upon him face to face. He left my life in shambles as well as 12 loads of his worthless junk for me to sift through and haul off to the dump. Some of it was extremely heavy. What a mess. I ended up losing my house and nearly every material possession I had but I was determined not to allow an idiot like him to break my spirit! That’s what he wanted so badly and I didn’t dare allow him to di it. Get yourself a punching bag and punch away. And, if that doesn’t work and you live in a rural area…hang that bag in a tree and shoot it!
I don’t know if your experience is anywhere close to mine but I soon learned that I really struggled less to maintain my life with him out of it! Sure, the house had to go but a lot of stress lifted off of me when it did. I sold all my furniture and started over in a much simplified manner. It really turned out to be the best move I could have made. I still find myself grieving a tinsy bit over all I lost but I’m happy to report that I have now regain twice over what I once had. I have a wonderful simple home and peace of mind. You’ll get there…just give yourself time. My best to you!
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luv716 says:
Tami, Thank you so much. I coulda took the loser leaving because he didn’t want me anymore but for the bastard taking me for everything is unforgiveable im moving on because I know I will never get back what he took but its the act of playing the love game to get what he wanted make me mad as Hell!
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luv716 says:
He took my heart, my sense of trust, it seem like things will never be the same when i comes to relationships again.
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style1 says:
Lately, every man that I meet comes on to fast and furious.. making claims on me, and calling me by a nickname.. and making plans for the future.. before we even know one another. I am dropping then like flies.. What is going on? It’s like men are desparate to connect. This behavior makes me t not want to be with any of them. Is there something about me that makes them think that I am a pushover? But I have heard other women say that men now days are desparate and intense to connect. They seem so needy. And that is like my last guy was and want turned me off to him.. even as attractive as he was in the beginning.. his fast moving circumvented real feelings developing… what is going on here?
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style1 says:
I want to keep them all at arms length. I don’t trust any fast connection..
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luv716 says:
Im so leary now of the fast connection that why Im in the situation I’m in now because of going with the fast connection. I gotta take it slow I don’t trust the I;m crazy about you’s in a weeks time. Its all about showing me where you coming from telling me dont mean jack to me anymore and as far as me every helping another man out of a bad situation that never gonna happen again I guess you can say he built a wall of bricks around me because I refuse to get taken again!!
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OxDrover says:
Dear Style,
I don’t know how long you have been away from the X in terms of healing and/or time, or exactly how badly you were burned, but when anyone has had ANY amount of SIGNIFICANT STRESS from 12 months to 18 months is a good time (to think about in terms of calendar time) AT LEAST before making any SIGNIFICANT CHANGES in your life that are NOT ESSENTIAL. Not a good time to move house unless you have to, or change jobs, etc. and so a significant change would be a new relationship.
I think your noticing the RED FLAG of “too quick dude!” is a good thing, but I suggest that you wait a while and get comfortable with yourself if you aren’t already before you even look for another “relationship.”
Usually people who’ve had a romantic relationship with a P that wasn’t shorter than 1 date need some time to sort things out. Noticing those “too quick” flags is a definite good start so GOOD for you!!!! Not everyone does but many of us (includign me) got into a relationship too quickly and there is a NEON sign I think on our foreheads that must read “OVER HERE, PICK ME!” that only psychopaths can see! When we are wounded we are most vulnerable. I picked a P 8 months after my husband’s death. I knew better than to get into a relationshp that quickly, but I made excuses for doing it. Within 4 months I was crying all the time because of how he treated me, took me another 4 months to kick him to the curb, but on top of everything else, that re-traumatized me AGAIN.
Men aren’t knocking down my door out here in the boonies at the end of a long drive, but I did have a couple of dates a couple of months ago, but I am quite comfortable with ME now and realize I don’t need someone else to make me WHOLE. I’m getting pretty picky about who I will even go out with or consider. Ps need NOT apply to even be my “friend” much less a relationship! (((hugs))))
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style1 says:
I have been away totally from the guy for over six months.. and I am not looking for a relationship.. just to go out and have fun.. The guy that I am on here about came onto me faster and more intensely than I have ever experienced and I didn’t like it at all.. and I held back the hold time because of his fast and furious connection and I never fully connected with him.. I did not trust him.. I am just going out to have fun.. but as I stated, I am finding these men that are coming on fast and I drop them or anniliate them with a response. It is pathetic what I am observing with men.. I like being alone.. I am enjoying my time to myself.. but I don’t have to be a recluse.. I like human interaction.. My hairdresser told me that I am the kind of woman that men are after.. and yeah that feels nice to hear.. but it takes the right man and the right approach.. with respect for me not that I fit his agenda.. I am very aware of this… but it is amazing what I am observing… and I sit and observe and it is pathetic… I have heightened self protection… I assure you…
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OxDrover says:
Dear Style,
TOWANDA for you GF!!!!
Yea, one of the things these guys like is a “trophy” whether it is money, style, beauty or whatever it is that they are after. It is all about you as a possession and they will POUNCE like a cat with a cornered mouse.
I’m glad you didn’t let that guy burn you too badly! Many of us get emotionally “love bombed” then JUST BOMBED! LOL
Looking back (hindsight is always 20:20 LOL) I can see that my P was just a cheat who had been caught by his X wife who kicked his sorry butt out and he was looking for another respectable wife to cheat on! LOL but at the time, and especially as a 57 year old widow, I was RIPE FOR THE PICKING, felt needy and lonely and unsure of myself ever having another relationship. It is a fact that women over 50 are not exactly prime meat on the marriage market LOL BUT I also realize that if we set our sights LOW ENOUGH we could all be married tonight. Just trot on down to the local REscue Mission and pick us out our very on WINO and take him home! and “Hug him and kiss him and call him my very own” (that’s a line from the old cartoons when I was a kid) LOL
If I ever do have another relationship it will be a GOOD one, or NONE IS BETTER THAN A BAD ONE! LOL
Keep those defenses up and use caution and good sense. I’m glad you are self protective! (((hugs))))
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style1 says:
Thanks.. but what does Towanda mean?
I think I just have a certain look… that ‘they’ like…
but I am always underestimated as to my intelligence and common sense..
I am losing all respect for men… they are fools..
and it is when we are down on ourselves, feeling lost, insecure, or distracted that they pounce…
I was distracted when I met that guy that sucked me in for awhile… if I met him today .. I would not be attracted at all..
I am the prize and they need to show me who that they are …
and this age thing. ladies… a woman that takes care of herself.. is far more attractive than most older men…
I have many younger men after me.. and I have gone that route before and may again.. older men are lethally needy and a drag
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OxDrover says:
Dear Style,
LOL “TOWANDA!” is a line from Fried Green tomatoes when one of the character’s parking place is grabbed by some kids who slide in an then laugh at her. she backs up her car and slams into their car and says that word like a BATTLE CRY and then explains that she has better insurance! LOL
I can’t remember who started using it here but it is sort of a “LF Tradition” now as our battle cry when we have succeeded in doing something great! it is the LF “High Five” LOL
Well, I disagree with you about “all” men being fools, just like women, only some of them. Maybe where ever you are meeting these men they might be all fools in that POND so maybe you ought to cast your line in another POOL if the fish in that one are all slime bags.
I know one thing, after our encounters with Ps both of my single sons and I are pretty picky about who we even “look at” as a potential date, much less a mate!
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shabbychic says:
style1, a couple of days ago I read your post about the S… the post you wrote on Oct. 23rd… I had not seen the post before… I was mesmerized by your writing, felt like I was looking at him with a magnifying glass! Thank God you followed your instincts and did not let him con you out of all your money! I am sorry you were hurt, but happy to hear you are feeling better now!
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