Lovefraud Blog » Blog Archive » Believing the unbelievable sets us free

Believing the unbelievable sets us free

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 10:36am • My Weblog

By Ox Drover

There are some things in life that we accept as “truths” whether we understand just why they are true or not. We accept that the world is essentially round, that it revolves around the sun, that light is white and the absence of light is dark. We don’t have to truly understand exactly how these things work or why they are true, we just accept that they are true, and when we lie down to sleep at night and the sky is dark, we trust that in the morning the sun will be shining again. That is just the truth. That is just the way things are.

Sometimes we are told by people we love to believe the unbelievable. We don’t want to believe it any more than we want to believe that the sun may not come up tomorrow morning, or that if we drive or float far enough that we will fall off the edge of the world. But somehow, slowly, we start to believe that we can’t make it without the psychopathic partner to tell us how things are. We are compelled to believe them or to give them up. We make ourselves believe that we are mean, controlling, worthless, and that we couldn’t live without them. We make ourselves believe that our lives would be devoid of happiness without the psychopathic partner, mother, sister, brother, child.

The very thought of leaving them becomes unthinkable. The very thought of them leaving us terrifies us, and we scramble to do anything to make them stay, to make them love us. We endure the crazy-making; we force square pegs of falsehoods into round holes of what we can see with our own eyes, force them with a hammer if necessary.

When we are sad, we lie and paint on a face with a smile, so no one else can see that we have failed again to make the psychopath happy, that we aren’t really worthy for him or her to love us. Our painted faces don’t fool those closest to us though, and they know we are unhappy, but not why. If we try to share our truths with them, they don’t understand, which makes us even more unsure of ourselves. There is no validation. We only want consolation from the one that twists the truths and hurts us; he or she is the only one who can salve our wounds and make us feel better for a while.

But then they strike out again, sinking the venomous fangs of words into our flesh. We feel the pain with each strike, straight to the heart. We argue and try to defend ourselves, but they project the pain back to us—it really is our own fault, if we would just try harder everything would be wonderful.

We know we are trying hard, we know we are giving all we can give, but it isn’t enough, it’s never enough. It’s all because we didn’t believe enough, didn’t trust enough, we have to have faith. No matter if our eyes see the sky is dark, we must say it is light. We must believe it is light. We must believe they love us. To not believe is not possible; it would be too painful. What person who loved us, truly loved us, would stay with anyone like us if they didn’t truly love us and want to make us better for them? They work so hard at helping us be perfect, but we just never measure up. We must believe the unbelievable, that we are worthless.

But one day, we wake up, and the sun is really shining, and we see the truth, the real honest to God truth. We have believed the unbelievable, we have violated ourselves by denying the truths we saw, the truths we knew. We have sold our souls to this person who really didn’t love us at all. Our life can go on without pain, without twisting and turning to put the square peg of falsehood into the hole of truth.

Only the round peg of truth will fit into the round hole of truth. The square peg of falsehood held by our lover, our friend, our relative, won’t fit. No matter how we try to cram it in, or how much of a failure they tell us we are because we can’t make it fit, we see. Really see!

It doesn’t make a great deal of sense to try to cram that square peg into the round hole. Why didn’t they just accept the truth? Why did they demand we believe the unbelievable—that they loved us? People who really love us don’t treat us this way. They encourage us, not denigrate us. They support us, not knock us down.

But most of all, people who love us, really love us, do not demand that we believe the unbelievable—their lies. Then we realize that isn’t myself that is the lie, it is them. The very ones we love that are the lie. Our lives can go on and go on without the pain of trying to make ourselves believe the unbelievable—that they love us.

But we have a child together—they must love our child, all parents love their children. How could my own mother not really love me? All mothers love their children. I’ve been a good: wife, mother, friend, lover, parent; how can they not love me? It’s unbelievable that they don’t love me. I can’t believe if I try harder they won’t see the truth and love me back. Surely there is some magic phrase that I can find and say to them that will make them see. It’s unbelievable that they can’t see how they hurt me.

There comes a time when the unbelievable becomes believable and we face the truth. The painful truth that the one we love most in the world doesn’t love us. It is not unbelievable anymore; it’s a fact, just like the sun comes up in the morning. We don’t have to understand how or why the truth is the truth, we just have to believe the truth. The truth will set us free. Free from the pain of square pegs in round holes.

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written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •

keensight says:

The best medicine available to treat the illusion we have of them being loving and accepting are the inverse of these very qualities, namely, devaluing and discarding.

When you are devalued and discarded, if you have any self
awareness (which most of us do), the time finally arrives
to take that final dose of medication from them. It is a tragic irony, that we ourselves, in most cases can’t get to the point of awareness and healing without their dosings.

After the final medicinal dose of cruelty has been inflicted,
unless one is completely insulated from the reality of their own
precious and inherent value as a lovable human being, the time arrives to face the painful truth. That truth being that
you are only as good as you are useful to them. You are not lovable and valued just because you are a special, unique person in their lives. The lack of reciprocity of that regard
contributes a great deal to the long, drawn out process and of the continuing denial, that ultimately leads to waking up.

No one wants to shed an identity, self definition, old reality
and life that holds meaning for them. That is why people hang in there for so long. At least it’s familiar. The known is always
safer than the unkown to those who have built their lives around people who undermine their self worth and value.
Life, instead of being something worth exploring, becomes something to fear, based on the pronouncements of those
we give our power away to.

That final dose of discard and devaluation holds within it something of intrinsic value that can’t be measured through the immediacy of the pain one feels at finally acknowledging
an essential truth about them. They don’t and can’t love us
in the ways we need, in the ways we’ve loved them and most
importantly the ways we’ve valued them.

What is it of such intrinsic value beneath all the grief and sorrow that will outlast all the pain of acceptance of the truth?

Ourselves.

We get to meet the very wholeness of who we are through embracing the pain and loss. We get to discover that our lives
were never meant to jump through hoops created to keep us
from getting our needs met. Like toddlers taking our first baby
steps, we get to experince the exhiliration of moving unencumbered by the support of any but ourselves!

Healing may be a long process, but well worth it, when the return is the ability to find peace and wholeness without having to look to another to provide that sense.

Most importantly, the way is cleared for starting the adventure
of SELF discovery, something many of us were trained we didn’t even have the right to pursue. We were assigned our places and roles in life early on. We faithfully toed the line until the ones came along that tested that self definiton until it cracked and broke under the pressure.

We’ve much to be thankful for that we’ve survived and are learning to thrive.

(Report abusive comment)

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 1:39pm

Easy says:

That is it! When everything we do , is for their benifit! And everything they do , is to our detroment! When we are willing to forgive and they never do! When we take the blame and they never do! When we are willing to give up our lives for their sake and they never give a TRUCK! About us! Or our feelings!

We Wake the Truck UP! Thank you!

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 2:15pm

style1 says:

Yes,, first I was over-valued as perfection in his eyes.. then devalued, blamed and discarded because I wouldn’t do as he said and make my life to his specifications..
Truth is I was ‘perfect’ for what he was looking for to meet his current needs then when I began seeing his holes clearly, seeing through his smoke screen, he had to make me out to be not perfect in order for him to keep his perfection mantle.. but when you go from being on a pedastel.. put there by them .. then are chipped away at.. it is difficult for anyone.. when I told him that he didn’t listen to me.. he told me that he was the only one in my life who really ever did listen to me.. and that he could see who I really am…
BS.. he couldn’t ever see himself clearly…
Good article..

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 2:32pm

skylar says:

OXY!! THAT’S THE PAMPHLET. your words should be on the flyer that we should be standing on street corners giving out. If someone had given me those words to read 15 years ago, I would’ve packed up and left. IF ONLY…

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 2:40pm

OxDrover says:

Dear Skylar, “If only”—”the saddest words of tongue or pen, it might have been” (wordsworth or someone said that, can’t remember who)

We can’t let the REGRETS get us down either, sweetie. And you know, I WAS WARNED about several of my Ps and I did NOT heed the warning. I think others here have also been warned and not listened. Now THERE’s something to make you want to BOINK yourself for, and believe me that is why my head is flat. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED….BUT I DIDN’T.

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 2:53pm

PS. ” IF a frog had wings he would not bump his butt every time he hopped, either”

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 2:54pm

Kathleen Hawk says:

Oxy, you wrote this one like you’ve really been through it, and you made me remember when you wrote:

“When we are sad, we lie and paint on a face with a smile, so no one else can see that we have failed again to make the psychopath happy, that we aren’t really worthy for him or her to love us. Our painted faces don’t fool those closest to us though, and they know we are unhappy, but not why. If we try to share our truths with them, they don’t understand, which makes us even more unsure of ourselves. There is no validation. We only want consolation from the one that twists the truths and hurts us; he or she is the only one who can salve our wounds and make us feel better for a while.”

Isn’t it weird and terrifying when we get to the point where we think that the only one who can fix the pain is the one that caused it? This article makes me remember the days when I was thinking “If he would only do (whatever), even for a moment, then I would be okay.”

I can’t do any of this any more. Lie. Paint on a happy face. Agree with what I don’t understand. Endure gratuitous criticism or unwanted harassment. I’m not even sure I remember what exactly flipped that switch. I just know it flipped. And I’d almost forgotten what it was like before, until I read your post.

Truth does set us free. At some point we get tired of their lies and lying to ourselves. And that is the beginning of the rest of our lives.

Thanks for a great post.

Kathy

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 3:10pm

amber says:

Thank you Oxy. It is so true. That is what finally set me free. Waking up and being really honest with myself, that I was living a lie. His lie. And as much as I wanted to beieve it, I had to stop fooling myself and WAKE UP! It wasn’t reality, it wasn’t real love. And accepting that is soooo hard, but accepting set me free. Painful as it is, it was my only option. Great article once again. HUGS!!!

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 3:16pm

Dear Kathy,

Yep, been there and done that, actually that is why you and I can write articles about it because we both “been there done that” and have a closet full of the tee-shirts! Realizing and then tearing the masks not only off of them, but the masks we put up as well is a hard project.

Here I am soon to be 63 and I iam finally the GENUINE OXY the “what you see is what I am” crusty old biddy some days and the can’t watch “Lassie come home” without crying my face off…don’t even talk about Old Yeller or Where the Red Fern Grows or the Yearling….I would be in bed for a week after watching all of them. LOL

But the thing is whatever face I wear each day is a REAL face, and really me. It may be different tomorrow, but that one will be REAL TOO. No more fakes, no more pretending, no more covering up for someone else’s bad deeds. If today’s face is sad you will see SAD, if tomorrow;’s face is mad, you will see MAD, if thenext day’s face is whatever, you will see whatever. What I feel is what you will see.

I have played “what would the neighbors think” for way too long, I no longer give a large rat’s behind what the neighbors think…if they even do think about me. I’m learning to validate myself by my own moral compass and as long as I can look myself in the mirror, then I am OK.

Amber, glad you are making progress, it is a long road but each step we take does make us less enslaved to the past! (((hugs))))

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 3:26pm

Rosa says:

OxDrover:

“Lassie Come Home”, “Old Yeller”, & “Born Free”….they just don’t make ‘em like that anymore.

Not to mention Marlon Brando, James Dean, & Elvis Presley. MEE-OW!

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 3:34pm

Twice Betrayed says:

Rosa: tee, hee, you are soooo funny! Cute as they were….Dean was gay, Brando bi and E loved his capes/drugs. Nothing for us girls there either. Lassie was a female, Old Yeller died, Born Free–sob! So…..we really are own our own. ahahahahahaha!

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 4:08pm

*correction, should read: “ON our own.” [ Still on laptop....got a new imac but cannot configure it to wireless internet. My first Mac and it's different than a PC.]

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 4:13pm

Oxy: good article! Enjoyed it. I never believed all he said I was and the last ten years did not accept any of it. I still tried to please him in many ways, but did not buy into the BS and kept my sense of who I was/am. If my brother couldn’t knock that out of me when I was a kid….nobody could. And nobody has….I might be wounded and burnt….but thru it all….I still held on to what I believe about myself. I used to crawl under our house when I was a kid and hide from my bro and vow to myself I would make it out alive…and intact. I may be beaten all to hell, but I still have made it out……….:) Thank God!

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 4:21pm

It does not matter to me if a guy is gay or straight.

If he’s cute, he’s cute.

I also have a crush on George Michael.

I understand these crushes will never come to pass.
But, I am still “crushing”, anyway.

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 4:35pm

Rosa: oh, ok….well, George Michael….my brother had a crush on him too….
Yeah, I understand.
I just interjected some reality in there….I am trying to stay real with myself after coming out of all the ‘unreality’. I was also just teasing you.

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 4:52pm

TwiceBetrayed:

I woke up feeling very energetic and punchy today.
Not sure what it is.
I just returned from the gym, where I worked off some of the energy.
So, I think I may be a little better now.

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 7:29pm

persephone7 says:

Rosa: Are you a tennis player? I am, though I’ve let it slide a bit lately…
think you have best idea, I’ll go exercise.

Wrote long blog after work, pushed ‘post’ and seems to have disappeared into the ether, must have been meant to be. So God saved you all from
Persephone’s Pandora’s Jar of Emotion…thanks for subconsciously listening
to me download! And Oxy doesn’t get to boink me after all…

Oh well, just a dream, just a dream, la la la…

Great article Oxy, and enjoyed your insights too Keensight, thanks
for taking time to write them for us all to take to heart.

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 8:25pm

Persephone7:

Yes, I LOVE tennis!
Hitting that ball is the best therapy for me.

I have been playing 4-5 times per week.

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 8:41pm

Rosa: Oh boy, a kindred spirit…I too LOVE tennis, it has been my saving
grace for many years – I used to play that often but have let life get in the
way lately. Only play maybe twice a week, several days ago I just went
out with my hopper and just served and served balls, what a release…

Anyway, thought you mentioned tennis somewhere, let’s play a virtual
game together…having a good playing partner is a metaphor used often
for a successful relationship, I always wished my latest love partner would
have gone and played more tennis with me, he is a very good athlete and
we had a great time when we did play but too often he did not want to
venture out from my house…and I complied.

Am just now finding some new non-romantic, good hitting partners
and am going to try playing more singles again, I like running around
more!

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 9:02pm

I also prefer playing singles.
As far as I am concerned, the more running I do, the better.
When I am playing tennis, I forget about EVERYTHING else.
And that is a good thing.

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 9:15pm

I guess tennis shouldn’t get us off-topic, but maybe it fits in with the idea that amidst the unbelievable – you still need to find someway to keep your
emotions and your body healthy and alive! Somehow you need to decompress or you die, emotionally or literally…so many times when I was so sad, or frustrated or just wanting to be out of my own head and didn’t want to talk to anyone – I would take a long walk by a favorite river or
marsh – or I’d go out alone to the courts and serve balls – I now possess a very strong serve(and a permanent bruise on one shin because some of my follow-throughs came down there, I choose to see it as a small badge
of honor now…)

God gives us many options to help us heal, we all choose our different ways of doing it. In doing that, we become stronger people – like Oxy said, less
worried about what others think. I’m still an emotional tennis player at times, not as incredibly consistent every time I go out as I’d like but I know part of that
is that right now I can’t play as much as I’d like and get rusty…other times, I just know I have good emotional days and less than stellar ones, and sometimes
my game reflects that. But I don’t beat myself up about it anymore, I either choose not to go out, or if I do go, I just commit to having fun and enjoying the
people there who are there for their own release and capacity for joy. And the truth of that is that I can go out and create my own fun, my own joy.

Friday, 6 November 2009 @ 11:05pm

Dear Persephone7 -

What you said about finding a way to keep your emotions and body healthy and alive is so true. Needing to decompress is
something most of us have to force ourselves to do in the beginning.

Sometimes we don’t realize how much damage is done to our bodies by ignoring all the pent up energy that comes with not
acknowledging the effect of negative emotions on us. Body and mind are one. Something as powerful as emotion needs
physical expression. Everyone is taught to be nice, never show anger and stifle anything that others would find unacceptable or offensive.

What they forget to share is how to channel that energy appropriately in ways that don’t harm self or others.

Your tennis game and the way you describe it is a good way to think about living life. It also underscores how important
being grounded in your body is. Physical excercise, communing with nature on long walks and anything that gets you in touch with what your body needs during stressful experiences, helps us to learn how to harness negative energies and use them to maintain equanimity.

I like to take my dogs for long walks. I focus on the beauty
I see in nature around me and on my breathing. It helps to
clear my mind and release what is unresolvable. Running and
lifting weights are other ways that I expend energy that would otherwise just become poison.

And you know Persephone7, what you said about committing to having fun and enjoying others who are there for their own
release and capacity for joy, should be a motto for all survivors. Learning to seek out others who maintain a positive
and loving attitude, those who want the very best that life has to offer, and are also willing to do the work of providing it for
themselves, even when no one else is around to share these gifts, is a sure sign of a healthy person.

Life, sure isn’t a game, as any of us can attest, but knowing how to return what others serve up to us and how we in turn choose to serve back to them comes from emotional awareness both in our heads and in our bodies. Recognition
and acknowledgment of them allows us to act in our best interests, not just to react without awareness. Staying grounded physically is one key to that. Creating your own joy
and fun is another. A capacity for both is essential for healing.
You’re correct on both counts and stated that beautifully.

Saturday, 7 November 2009 @ 12:29am

shabbychic says:

Wonderful article! When I finally faced the truth I was a little crumpled up ball on the floor, I’m getting to know myself, I am standing up now. When I smile now it’s not painted on. I think sometimes I’m still going through the pain but it’s better than the alternative — which was me too scared to let go. Thank you for your insights, it’s like you can see into a persons soul.

Saturday, 7 November 2009 @ 12:41am

keensight, thank you to you also, I really like your post about learning the value of ourselves!!

Saturday, 7 November 2009 @ 12:46am

Keensight: thanks for your kind words and I loved your post above…I was thinking how just being out in nature has helped, you talk about taking your dogs for long walks. I don’t
walk much by the marsh anymore, but when I did – I would watch the area of the cattails and trees go through all the seasons – the whole marsh in winter looks almost dead and
brown – it was hard to imagine it ever coming back to life. But each spring, what a revelation as it would slowly regenerate, little patches and buds of green appearing and then
this whole glorious vision of green with all the birds flying about, frogs croaking, wildflowers painting a colorful border along the trail I’d walk. “To everything, turn, turn, turn…
There is a season, turn, turn, turn…”- nature illustrates it so beautifully for us each and everyday and we are a part of that and can recognize the cycles and seasons within our
healing and within the cycles of our lives – and especially within this group of friends here who are in different stages of regeneration.

As you said, Keensight, sometimes we don’t realize how much damage has been done to us, so we need to take very gentle, continuous care of ourselves in every way.

Saturday, 7 November 2009 @ 12:58am

Nice posts about healing and nature! Enjoyed those!
I’ve had animals for years….and when people asked me why I loved horses so much-I always said they were my therapy. My x hated the way I turned to my animals [horses, dogs, cats, rabbit]for love and spent so much time with them. [I did rescue for years and worked with shelters/rescues] But, you know, I read where they are using horses as therapy with Jaycee Duggard.
Rosa: I am glad you are full of energy and having fun working out and playing tennis!

Saturday, 7 November 2009 @ 1:31am

Dear Chic,

Glad you are doing better! It does take time, and work too. focusing on ourselves, the positive things, the good things, and seeing THOSE instead of the negative things.

I think Persephone and Keeninsight have some good points, and Rosa too, i nher tennis playing. Do something nice for yourself, take a walk, look at something pretty in your environment, even something small, and appreciate that thing. How it is beautiful and unique. Let the appreciating seep into your pores! Then appreciate yourself.

Saturday, 7 November 2009 @ 7:27pm

Isabell says:

“Let the appreciating seep into your pores! Then appreciate yourself.”

Oxy… ::deep heavy sigh::

Today, I deep cleaned my bathroom. A bathroom that 7 people use. It once was my sancuary (hot tub, mood light, and all). As I cleaned every nook and cranny, I thought…This IS focusing on myself. I love a clean, sparkling, uncluttered bathroom to put myself together in. Since I share it with all my kids (two other bathrooms unfinished- thank you ex), my bathroom often becomes a feeding ground of icky.

Some might not view cleaning as a gift, but when I was finished, and took a long hot shower, and put myself together… I was like a giddy little girl. This is my way of taking care of myself.

EVERYBODY must discover and KNOW their way of self of taking care of themselves.

Saturday, 7 November 2009 @ 11:20pm

Dear Isabell,

Thank you for sharing that! It IS a way to care for yourself. After my husband died in an accident (5 yrs ago now) my son who was also injured and I sat for months and just looked at the dirt pile up. We did not clean, we did not care for ourselves, we just SAT…cleaning is a GIFT and it shows YOU that YOUR desires are important. It is something nice we can do for ourselves.

The cleaning doesn’t “last” forever (kids are dirty little messes! LOL) but for THAT moment, that time, that instant, it was YOURS and it was CLEAN for YOU! ((((hugs))) You did good girlfriend!

Now, get you a “how to” book and start on fixing up those other bathrooms for the curtain climbers! LOL

Saturday, 7 November 2009 @ 11:27pm

Oxy… I love you!!!!

Saturday, 7 November 2009 @ 11:36pm

JaneSmith says:

Awesome post, Oxy.

I have a difficult time truly contemplating the pain and confusion you and others have suffered for many years which was primarily caused by close family members.

Yeah, my bio “sperm donor” was a parasitic psychopath aka trash, but you’ve read before that I never liked the dude, could sense his evil oozing of him in waves at a very early age.

Ignored him as much as I could until my beloved Mother left him high and dry without someone to sponge off of and drain her energy.

His residual influence upon me ended years and years ago. I knew he was flat out wrong even before I read my introductory book to PDIs, Without Conscience.

Anyway, enough about me-I ramble type.

I also think Keensight’s post was quite beautiful and oh so wise. She reminds me of Kathleen and Rune with their amazing brilliant minds yet retaining those essential virtues of compassion and empathy. So very important and valuable to me as a perpetual student.

Sunday, 8 November 2009 @ 12:41am

Keensight,

You wrote…”Sometimes we don’t realize how much damage is done to our bodies by ignoring all the pent up energy that comes with not acknowledging the effect of negative emotions on us. Body and mind are one. Something as powerful as emotion needs physical expression. Everyone is taught to be nice, never show anger and stifle anything that others would find unacceptable or offensive.”

So true. But here’s my situation. I am sometimes little more than a sedate slug, chillin in my computer chair or cozied up on my comfy bed (my bestest friend, I know-pathetic) emersed in one of my super sci-fi epics.

Being a happy loner type also seems to decrease any sort of conflicts and melodrama. Who am I gonna argue with? My 2 cats? Me? Uh…no. That spells crazy cat lady. Must not be a cliche.

I don’t have any lingering negative emotions. Yeah, a few transient ones will pop up every once in a while but they’re in connection with past memories being stirred up. So I won’t forget where I’ve been and all the crap I allowed to be done to me. It’s beneficial now as I have thoroughly cleaned house in my head and heart.

Anyway, you are so correct in stating that we should keep our bodies in top form as well as our internal mechanisms.

I like walking. If forces me to actually SEE the world around me. To observe with all my senses how truly awesome it is be alive! And able to walk down the street, enjoying all the myriad varieties of life.

Sunday, 8 November 2009 @ 1:02am

citykitty617 says:

Thanks for the awesome post! It will be very helpful for me – I am going to share it with family members who think I have lost my mind for staying with my soon to be ex-husband for so long. Just filed for divorce due to lump detected in left breast – he makes hundreds of thousands per year and refuses to provide health insurance for the family. So now hopefully I will qualify for free care, not having any income and giving up my career to watch HIS children for the past 10 years. His first wife was institutionalized. Just wanted to share with everyone that it literally was a life and death choice that finally made me come around. Even now, I sometimes doubt my decision (what if it is just a cyst?). So hard.

Sunday, 8 November 2009 @ 3:29am

Dear Citykitty,

Glad you are here—you know, whatever prompted you to divorce him, I think you would be better off living in a tent and eating out of a dumpster behind mcDonald’s than living with a psychopath!

Welcome to LoveFraud, glad you are here! I hope your lump in your breast turns out to be a cyst, but get yourself to a mammogram and find out ASAP!

Sunday, 8 November 2009 @ 10:10am

ErinBrock says:

CityKitty:
I’m with ya girl…..Sounds as if you have your priorities in check….take care of YOU!!!
Your moving in the right direction~Good for you!
Welcome!
XXOO
EB

Sunday, 8 November 2009 @ 10:24am

Aww, thanks you guys (OxDrover and EB). I can’t tell you how helpful hearing everyones stories here has been for me. I have episodes of questioning my sanity and intelligence, but to see how this can affect so many obviously kind and smart people gives me so much hope and makes me feel less alone. LOL about living in a tent. I do like camping…..

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 3:19am

JaneSmith, and Keensight…

As much as I KNOW you are correct in the directive to take care of the body, and I ache for the days when I pre-trained for a Marathon, my life forbids time to be spent on me. I have three kids, two teenagers, and a 4th grader. Three different schools. Three sets of extracurricular activities. Legal insanity that has distracted me with a near OCD type of intent to make sure all the i’s have dots, and all the t’s have crosses, while trying to find gainful employment.

I often feel my heart beat so loudly, my body ebbs with each pulse. That’s not good. I will visualize, pray, and will the calming of each beat…knowing I need to be walking, at the very least, but cannot fit such in my day. I struggle to fit a shower in three times a week. Sadly, I’m not exagerating.

To my credit.. I have lost 22 pounds with 70 to go (under Dr.’s care).

And, tonight.. I glued on french manicured fake nails to prepair for the interview, tomorrow. It’s all fools gold. I mascarade in my past confidence, while struggling to hide a current sense of brokenness, and insecurity.

How I would love to expell all the pent up energy that surges through my body, daily… time constraints, and painful hips (arthritis) limit my ability to do so…Then I feel guilty for not carving out such time. It’s a vicious cycle.

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 3:22am

witsend says:

Isabell,
Good luck on your interview. I think it is great idea that you took the extra time to prepare and put on the fake nails to boost your confidence. Feeling confident at an interview shouldn’t be underestimated.

When we are feeling down and not so “great” about ourselves and our situation sometimes confidence is one of those things that we can “fake it, till we make it” , kinda things while going to interviews.

I have lost all of my self confidence, during the last few years, so I know exactly what you mean.

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 7:52am

I can relate to the “fake it til you make it thing” too, but I also advise you to MKAE TIME FOR YOURSELF. At one time I was living in ABSOLUTE poverty while going to finish up my degree with a “kid on each hip” and I was continually TIRED and stressed so I definitely can relate —oh, and I was working about 40 hours a week in addition, and driving 65 miles one-way to my college and I had to be there at 6:30 a.m. for clinicals which let out at 3:30, drive home, feed kids, write lpapers, study for tests, and oh, yea, WORK!

Your kids are big enough to HELP YOU, and that is one of the things I did for my kids was to teach them and insist that they help me with the house work, pet care, yard work etc.

I sat them down (they were younger than your oldest and a bit older than your youngest) and told them my JOB was to go back to school so I could get my degree and to work kand make money, andTHEIR JOBS were school and to help with the house.

I also found other single parents in my area that I could trade child care with and other tasks and built myself a support base and that helped. Networking is a good thing! It is the only thing that saved me.

Maybe your kids will pitch in and help you. I remember what 4 1/2 years of total stress while I was in school did to me. Looking back, I know that I should have taken better care of myself!!! So, yes, I’m nagging! But taking care of yourself is very important!!!! Once you run out of steam, who wil ltake care of your kids if you are melted into a puddle on the floor?

Look at your life and see where you can “cut out” NON-ESSENTIALS, see where you can cut time off of things, to save YOU! sometimes we are “too close to the trees to see the forest” and those of us that have “been there” may be able to direct you in seeing what is right before your nose.

SIMPLIFY! SIMPLIFY!

And good luck ktoday!!! (((Hugs)))) and my prayers fo ryou!!!

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 8:46am

Dear Isabell:

Reading your post put alot of things back into perspective for me today so
thank you. I remember days like yours when I was running around like
mad with my own kids, trying to manage on my own and then also attempting to’ be there’ for a disastrous second marriage. But keep knowing that you are doing a very good job – that the fake nails or whatever you can do to pump yourself up and keep going is great and just try like Oxy said to simplify where you can. And try to make out even a little bit of time for fun and recharging.

I’m so impressed you’ve lost 22 pounds, My God! I’ve been struggling to lose just 10 so you’re now my inspiration! Hope the interview goes well for you.

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 9:56am

Ahh…here it is! I couldn’t remember the particular thread to visit after reading Isabell’s post late last night. Was going to respond to her when I was more lucid. Found it!

Seems you awesome, lovely folks found it before me!…haha. And offered oodles love, concern and wisdom.

I just wanted to say to her that she has so many responsibilities that her plate runneth over! I’m totally out of my league on this one. See, I have the decided luxury of not being a Mommy.

Chose a long time ago that making babies then molding and rearing them was just not my thing. I knew the sacrifice and responsibility involved and it terrified me. Still does!

So, Isabell sweetheart, you’re doing a super great job raising and caring for your children. I’m sure you are frazzled quite often ’cause I witnessed my own beloved Mother often in this state. That’s why I respect her so much. Trying to juggle work and raising 3 bratty daughters would have had me pulling my hair out in chunks!

Just try to take it easy on yourself. Please? And I’m sending you good mojo vibes for your job interview and all the obstacles that are trying to block your way.

xxooxxoo…

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 4:33pm

Isabell,

Are you there? Tell us about your interview! ((hugs))))

Monday, 9 November 2009 @ 6:39pm

Witsend, Oxy, Persephone, and JaneSmith

THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!!

What day, yesterday. Much accomplished on many levels. Your prayers and well wishes were definately felt and manifested.

Where to start? In addition to pressing on fack nails, the day before I had my kids help me scrub the inside, and ouside of my car. With limited time the car is neglected, ignored, and often looks like a heap of dysfunction. My son kept teasing me, “Yeah, Mom…you have to clean out the car cause the people who are interviewing you are going to come look at the inside of your car.” (I shampooed the carpet, dusted all the nobs, dash board, seats, vacuumed under the seats, and windexed the windows inside and out – till it looked near new.)Why all that OCD effort? I KNOW I’m operating on limited confidence, and having my car look like it had just been detailed was critical for me to mentally prepare on my drive to the interview. He didn’t get it. BUT I SURE DID. In fact, I parked just outside the reception area of the office and I was walked to the enterence as I left, I felt proud for them to notice me getting into a beautifully sparkling car. In spite of their complaints about cleaning the car, each one of the kids commented on how they felt less impoverished with the car cleaned up. EXACTLY!!!

The interview went extremely well. In fact, I liked this branch manager SO MUCH better then the one I had interviewed with. Right off the top she said, “I don’t micro manager” which is one of my pet peeves working for others. The first BM DID micro manage and made belittling, and condisending remarks that made my stomache hurt. Just like the regional manager and the VP has commented with I interviewed with them, this BM said, “I could easily see you in management.” She’s a fairly new BM, and young. I’ve been around the block, and have operated similar type businesses making my locations #! in the Nation. She’s open for ideas, support, and does not possess the need for control. She reminded me of myself in this way. I always hired people smarter and more experienced then me…that’s why I was so successful! She will be too — because she wants to hire me. ::grins::

Since I’ve already met the RM and the VP, the final phase is getting approval through the corporate office. I will know more mid week, and am anticipating starting on Monday.

Funny, in the past I would have be higher then a kite, sure that all my worries were over, at this stage. Now, I’m greatfully (or optomistically) apprehensive. If that makes sense.

“Fake it till you make it” is a constant theme in my life. When I was younger, I would pretend to be confident, experienced, intelligent. Now I pretend to me coharent, breathing, alive. (a little humor)

After the interview, I had to get a copy of my SS card for the food subsidy. When I walked in, I heard there was a 3 hour waiting period. I was seen within 15 minutes. “Whoo Hoo!!!”

I came home and found my unemployment check waiting for me in the mail (I wasn’t expecting it for 2-3 more days – Yippy!!! Bounce check charges averted. “Yippy!!!”"

I quizzed my teen-aged daughter on her permit test (she’s failed it twice) She answered the questions from three tests and a driver’s training practice test, missing only 2. “Bravo!!!

After picking up the other two kids, my teen-aged daughter asked me to listen to a letter she wrote her her grandmother (the one that has rejected the kids because of the lies their father has said against the kids.) It was powerful. The letter recalled memories throughout her life with the grandparents, then it challenges the Grandparents to consider how the kids feel, listing every horrific thing they’ve seen and experienced at the hands of their father, then the letter asks how they could profess to know that their father is a liar, and cannot ever be trusted, to later reject the kids, without ever asking them what is happening. She challenges their mixed messages of not wanting anything to do with the kids, calling them ruined, to expressing how much they miss the kids. She called them hypocrits. She closed the letter stating she wants nothing to do with them, EVER. “Any grandparent that could reject small children, because of the lies of the father, KNOWING he is a liar, are not true grandparents. They are fake, heartless, and as cruel as our father who broke our hearts, shattered our dreams, and took the magic out of our childhood.”

In the collapse of our life as we once knew it, and the subesequent terrorist attacks by their father, financially, emotionally, legally, and by proxy through his family system… I’ve made mistakes. Mistakes that cut at the core of who I am, and the type of mother I intended to be. Mistakes made as a result of just trying to survive, by minimizing the pain. I have felt deep shame, sorrow, and embarassment. Sometimes feeling I’m only a thread above their father as a parent.

My teen-aged daughter wrote me a song from her perspective of what she’s seen happen to me in the process of our nightmare. The truth will set us free; but first, it hurts like hell. And, with that said…I’m far harder on myself, then my children will ever perceive me. A reality I don’t feel worthy of, but even so, I am greatful.

Oxy, there was a time when I home schooled. I had a two week boot camp on home maintence, chores, and taking personal responsiblity for ourselves. After that two weeks, I didn’t have to tell my kids to do anything for two years. They were self managed. At that time the two middle kids were 8, 5. My teenager, and baby didn’t quite get the same message. Nonetheless, we all worked together, and maintaining the house was easy, untill…our world turned upside down. It seems the shock, and continued trama, as well as the manic pace of conflicting time schedule demands keeps everyone off balance. Through the tearful, heartfelt honesty, yesterday…there was an awareness that everyone needs to snap out of it, now. When I see the house disrespected, and when they fight over “it’s not my turn, ” all my effort and energy spent fighting the legal battles, and financial burdens to keep them in the only home they’ve ever known feel it’s in vain. I feel disrespected when our belongings are disrespected, and everyone is protesting having to pitch in. This was a eye opener for the younger three. My oldest daughter, son-in-law still have to be talked to, and that’s another story… for a later date.

By the end of the night, I found 30 mintues to read Black Beauty with my youngest. What an amazing story. I’ve never read it before, but was taken back by the journey this once beautiful and perfect horse has been on in dealing with various masters and groomers that were S/P/N personality types. What a clear example of, “It’s not your fault.” The saddest part of the story are the injuries Beauty sustained at the hands of the heartless, making Beauty less wanted and valued. Due to the injuries, Beauty no longer had the qualities of being the show horse as he was bread to be and was sold to a master that rented him out to handlers that did not know how to properly care for or drive a horse. Beauty was subjected to even more abusive treatement by drivers that don’t know how to property drive a horse, simply “because he was such a good natured horse:” the owner knew he wouldn’t react to the crewl treatment.

This reminds me of us here at LF. We have been injured, and devalued. The devalue is in our minds, our psyche, our self perception. Then we subject ourselves to further abuse because we are so good natured at the core, we know we can make the adjustments, justifications, rationalizations, and well the poor saps need us to ebb and flow through their insanity, right. Besides…who is going to want an injured soul like me? Isn’t that at the core of our thinking as well? Maybe it’s just me, but if I’m being totally honest, I have to admit it outloud… well, as outloud as I can be in this forum.

Deep in thought on this one… I hope it makes sense.

At the time of this writing, I’ve made three different trips to three different schools. Upon the final paragraph, I received a phone call…..

“We’d like to reach out to you, and make an offer. Can you start, tomorrow? The owner of the company, at the corporate office approved this in one day. It usually takes a week. They called him on his cell, and he said, ‘Get her in here right away.’ He never does this before. You’ve made quite an impression. ”

OK… now, I’m crying. Excited, and scared to death. In my lack of time, I’m adding 10 more hours a day to fit in while restructuring the juggling of my kids activities, and this job will require that I prove myself over, and over, again. On the one hand, piece of cake. On the other hand… fear and panic.

My bed is still covered with stacks of legal documentation that requires at least a minimum of 3 more weeks of 60 hours of work to complete the ledgers, and cross referenced notations so that my attorney will understand everything, without me having to explain. The most important things he has, but the arguments to back up those things… are in the details.

I don’t like feeling undone, scattered, and ill-prepared. It is what it is, however. I’ll have to adjust and be flexible through this transition.

This job will definately put me back in the main stream of the living; making new connections with multiple business owners and HR Managers. Fake it, fake it, fake it, fake it… I’ve a lot of catching up to do.

Oh, by the way…I have been hired as an Account Executive for a leading National staffing agency. God willing, if I make this opportunity a success, I can live anywhere in the US and have a job. Heck, even living a county a way, will fully influence a total NC…as my ex is paranoid to go anywhere outside of 15 miles the radius of his home. Heheheee.. That’s a motivation in itself.

Ok… I’m off to the dentist. An old filling to replace, and a new filling to fix.

Thank you again for the support, prayers, and good mojo vibes. If anyone ever says that such does not influence, is totally clueless. I felt it all day, yesterday. And, the results were amazing. Lots of healing still to do — one day at a time.

I love you all,

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 12:33pm

Ummm.. I didn’t spell check, or grammer check, and wow.. lots of mistakes. Sorry about that. :-\

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 12:34pm

Isabell,
I am soooooo impressed! OMG girl, you are going places. Wow you must have really had a great series of interviews.

You have alot going on right now and you might be thinking how you are going to juggle all of this. But you will manage.

This job will help your self esteem in a way that nothing else could. I think that you have underestimated yourself. The impression they recieved of you is who you really are.
They see successful and they are right on!
GOOD for you…

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 12:54pm

Isabell, you and your kids are FABULOUS!!!!!

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 2:26pm

WOW!!!ISABELL!!!!!!!

Great post and I am so proud of you and for you!

I’m glad too that you took the time to read Black Beauty to your child, that is so important and the story itself is really about a horse as a victim of Ps. I hadn’t thought of that story in years, but it is definitely that. So many stories like that are the result of Ps behavior toward someone or something.

I am just so stoked that you have the job and that fast!!! WOW!!!! I know the panic of starting a new job though, and the stress of those changes in your life.

Sounds like your daughter gets it though, and I am so glad for her, and glad that she confronted the GM with her letter. It may not accomplish anyting with GM but I am sure it made your daughter feel better and will give her closure with that dysfunctional relative.

I know it will lbe a squeeze to fit in 50 hours a week of driving time and working, but I suggest that you sit down and talk to your kids about how this is going to effect them, and that YOU NEED their support, help with the younger kid(s) and with the house. You might also talk to them about the sacrifices in your time and hauling them here and there that will come from the fact that you are working and won’t be available to them 24/7 for these things.

You might get them to proritize which activities are really important to them, and make some concessions. when I was in college and a single parent, my kids ages were 8 and 11 when I started and it took me 4 years, and during that time, my kids did probably 90% of the house work and general cleaning, as they got older they did the garden and the yard work as well. They saw a benefit in doing this helping because it did give me time to take them places because I wasn’t having to come home from my full time job and full time school and clean house.

Teaching our kids to do “life skills” such as house cleaning, clothing care, and cooking I think is something many parents neglect and to me that is something every child should learn by doing because it is part of keeping a household together and running well. I only had sons, but by the time they got out of highschool they could all keep house as well as any middle aged woman, care for clothing, sew a little (in one case Knit) do car care and maintence, knew gardening, animal care, etc. Each of the two who weren’t Ps worked and chipped in 1/3 of their net income to “household expenses” and 1/3 for their own separate expenses, and 1/3 for savings.

My two sons who are “normal” guys, are multitalented, willing to do their share of housework, yard work, farm work, as well as hold jobs and dont’ feel that they are being “picked on” and willingly do their share. In the beginning, it took more time to teach them than it would have done to do it myself, but Ii am proud of the fact that I took the time to teach then.

It amazes me how many kids getout of highschool and/or college and have no idea how to manage life skills including financial management.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 2:27pm

Annie says:

Isabel,
You are one very impressive woman. And whatever else you do in your life, you should take great pride that you’ve raised one very together, and very wise, daughter. Her letter to her grandparents blew me away. To raise a child who is that together when you had to work against the influence of her father is a real testament to you.

You go girl!!!

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 2:46pm

Rosa, Persephone7, Keensight, Isabel,
I loved what you had to say about exercise:

“Sometimes we don’t realize how much damage is done to our bodies by ignoring all the pent up energy that comes with not acknowledging the effect of negative emotions on us.”

“Somehow you need to decompress or you die, emotionally or literally…”

When I was much younger I lived in the mountains and ran, or skiied, or biked daily. Now that I’m older and living in the city, and more in touch with (euphamism for struggling with…) my negative emotions, I live a fairly hermit-like life. And my health has really suffered. Your conversation took me back to a time when I felt free and happy. Of course, the only predators I had to worry about on my daily runs back then were black bears – much easier to deal with than the human kind!

I was never a great tennis player, but your exchange made me feel like I was there playing with you. It makes me want to take it up again! Thanks for inspiring me to get back outdoors again.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 3:09pm

Isabel:

It is so good to read through your post and hear that you got the job! You
don’t know how inspiring your story is to me, regarding your struggles, having raised good kids through thick and thin and being stressed to the
max at times. I know how going to that mailbox and finding an early check
is like a gift from God when you’re up against the wall and fighting to keep
the much-needed faith in yourself. Congratulations, and you sound so happy, I’m happy for you.

Annie – please go out and try to hit with someone (tennis, I mean) or
just find a good backboard at a court if possible (and think about just
taking a lesson!) It’s a wonderful sport. Glad you feel inspired to get
out of doors now again. I’ve been feeling low, when I decided to look
here and just read, it was so nice to read Isabel’s and your posts, it is
a shot in the arm for me, so thanks. Best to everyone, hoping Rosa
is still out hitting and doing well, Keensight too. Take care.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 3:40pm

Isabell!

Oh my goodness! That was an awesome and truly inspiring post you wrote. I actually got a lump in my throat more than a few times. Beautiful and wonderful.

So, so happy for you. I will not even presume to understand your travails, your numerous responsibilities, your concerns but I can cheer like a dork at the major victories occuring in your life. Created by you and for you and your precious children.

Bravo to you, lovely Isabell. Will continue sending out those positive joojoo/mojo vibes because a little backup never hurts.

*huggles*

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 3:59pm

Persephone:

I am playing doubles at 5:30 tonight!!

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 4:14pm

Witsend,

I’m hoping this job will fill in the caps of my self esteem. I tend to isolate myself when I’m scared, down, insecure. I have a group of close friends through Church, but…as much as they ARE wonderful, there is a limit on what they understand, and the length of time they are willing to hear about the chaos my ex continues to create. It is almost as if I had cancer, and my hair is falling out — they have indirectly asked me to wear a wig so they wont be disturbed by the fact that the treatement for cancer is taking sooo long. I’m sure they don’t mean it this way…but, in their good intentions, the message is loud and clear — Enough! So then what do I talk about? Every aspect of my life is about survival. Everyday is influenced with the affects of what he has done, and continues to do. So, I went to a BBQ, and bit my tongue when asked how things are. There were four single parents in various stages of their divorce. And, two married couples present. There were (normal) stories of the divorce process, which are easier to swollow, and digest. Since my on-going issues are not normal, nor easy to digest… I had nothing to contribute. And, for the first time with this group, I felt totally out of place. The kids and I left early.

Here, I can share the hurt, fear, struggles and triumphs; it’s all intermingled. And, here…I don’t have to unravel, or edit to explain. I’m understood.

Again, as I type this….I received notification that I had a message on my facebook account. Upon checking it, my ex and his new wife, have become friends with six of my friends on facebook, and I’m sure the number will grow. I had to block them, and subsequently block my friends. I deal with this daily.

With this new position, I am hoping to expland my world, so I can climb out his nightmare. A little history. We’ve known each other since I was 14. We grew up in the same city, which I moved away from. He dragged me back. Our circle of friends we developed together, he turned against me. With facebook, there has been opportunity to reconnect with old friends. Now, as of today… he’s managed to.. (rather his wife the jezeebel, gold-digger) has managed to broadcast her barbie doll image, associated by his name, across this area of my life, as well. Even professional sites I’m posted on, she manages to get her digs in. It’s more her, then him. He’s not as technologically advanced.

Thank you for your supportive encouragement.

ShabbyChic, Thank you!!!!

I have to run out…to pick up kids, but I will be back to follow-up.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 4:50pm

Hi Rosa,
Enjoy your tennis game.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 4:58pm

Isabell,
I understand what you are saying about your friends and your inability to be able to talk with them about this. Mainly because they don’t want to “hear” it anymore.

I do have much of the same problem. I have a handful of close girlfriends but when I am in absolute misery over what is going on here, they are clueless.

It takes so much energy to try and even put this into words that they might understand. And they still don’t get it. Also because I am talking about my son, there is no way that anyone can REALLY relate…..The minute you mention anything about a teenager, it is always, well he’ll grow out of it. Or he is just going through a phase.

My circle of friends have mostly known me for a long time. They know that I am a level headed person. But this is just really to much for them to wrap their brain around. Most of them are of the opinion that he will learn things the hard way when he goes out on his own.

After awile you just stop trying to explain it. And in many ways that just adds to the isolation that you feel even when you are with people.

I am glad that you have the stepping stone (new job) to begin to expand your world past this nightmare.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 5:26pm

Wanted to really be sure I read your whole earlier post about your interview and kids – I may be looking for a different or even additional job if some of my art endeavors don’t pay off soon – so I can relate to cleaning that car, polishing up the wardrobe, just getting yourself in the right frame of mind to forge ahead.

Your kids sound like they are well-grounded and sensitive like you. It’s a
wonderful thing to see your own children blossom and I know my son and daughter have made me so proud – and I know they accept me, even when
I fall now, they have not gone away from me and I feel especially grateful
for that – my heart goes out to anyone here who must struggle with their
very own children making them fight an uphill battle. Right now I’m praying
to resolve some things with my own brother and sister, they’ve always
been closest to each other, I love them but sometimes don’t always like
them and it makes it hard to always want to relate…My sister I just want
to be very gentle with because she will not be with us much longer.

Hope the grandparents appreciate that letter, sure it made your daughter
feel better to put it down on paper and express her (and your!) feelings
to them once and for all.

Go Rosa, hope you had a good game – I’m going for a bike ride while
sun’s still out…See ya!

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 5:28pm

witsend: before I logout, I saw your note about relating to other people –
when I go to tennis – most of the people there seem happily married, not
even many single people there – and most of the couples seem fairly well
off financially, good many already retired. So I don’t talk much about my
own world that much, we all like each other on a kind of surface level but
I feel somewhat the odd duck – and I don’t go into my private life. I think
they do wonder about my ‘love life’ as they all think I’m attractive, I can
flirt with some of the guys harmlessly, even some of the single ones. But
I’ve been ‘unavailable’ myself for so long because of this other ‘private’
relationship I keep to myself, that no one (not even relatives) really ask
much anymore about who I’m ‘dating’…so it has cut off that open, happy
sharing aspect of having an ongoing, great relationship here in town! I
don’t really worry about it, as you said, witsend, I have my own close
friends who’ve known me for years and they appreciate me, but want me
to be whole and happy, too.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 5:38pm

perephone7,
Thanks….I think we can all relate to how this isn’t something you can just speak about with anyone and have them understand….

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 6:08pm

Cat says:

I just discovered this site and I’m soaking everything up like a sponge. This person has not yet left the house, but I have finally made the leap from believing the unbelievable to understanding there is a world of illusion these people live in that I neither want nor need to understand. I know, truly, there is so much more freedom on this side of the fence than on the side I spent so much time and energy agonizing on. Will write more later…right now I’m just soaking up the fact that I’ve found a place where I’m not alone. God Bless!

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 7:29pm

Dear Cat,

WELCOME!!!! You have found the ultimate in information and support! glad you are here! God bless you!

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 @ 7:33pm

Oxy,

I totally agree with you on raising kids with life skills. As we struggle to muddle through these transitions, I’m shocked by how often comments are made by other parents such as, “My kids would NEVER help around the house like your kids do. Everytime I come over here, your kids are washing dishes, running the vacuum, cleaning the pool, doing laundry…Howe do you get them to do it?” Funny how perspective is…I don’t think they do near enough, cause the house is always a mess! My house is a house where kids live…What more can I say?

What woke me up to training the kids life skills was a book called, “To Train Up a Child.” A simple read, but powerful. The idea is that kids, by the age of 8, are capable of running a household, except where true strength is required. This was the book, I based my home schooling boot camp on. Two weeks of setting out the expectations, showing how things are to be done, making lists, and inspecting the progress. There were rewards, and consequences. After that two weeks, I never had to tell them to do anything again, for two years.

Our life is more complicated, and there are other influencing factors that have interupted this flow. We WILL be addressing these issues shortly.

I took your advise and talked to the kids tonight. It’s funny, the teens are really excited I’m going back to work, it means things won’t be as tight as they have been. My youngest is bummed. She likes having me home. The lack of funds doesn’t matter to her. So, tonight, we spent a little longer reading together.

I overheard the kids talking. They have a week off at Thanksgiving. They are making plans to really scrub down the house, and get rid of things they no longer use, or need, to surprise me, while I’m at work. YIPPY!!!!

Annie, Persephone, JaneSmith, ShabbyChic…

What a cheerleading section you have been. Words will never begin to express the powerful influence this has on me, at this particular time of my life.

Persephone… I lost 90 pounds before, training for a marathon. The weight came off pretty quickly. I started with 10 minutes walking. That’s all I could do. I’d be so winded. But, I could do 10 minutes 3 times a day. Then I could walk 15 minutes, then 20. Then I’ tell myelf to walk through (on treadmill) through an episode of anything of interest. Then I would walk through two episodes, pretty soon, (and much was fueled by anger; I was still with my ex) I would crank the treadmill up to an incline of 10 and go for 10 miles.

When everything came crashing down, I was 90 pounds lighter and easier to pick up and toss. He also used my weight loss as evidence to convince other’s that I was having an affair (when really he was for nearly 10 years of our 14 year marriage – didn’t know this till after NC). The fact that my lighter frame made me easier to toss, and was used as evidence to discredit my character, I gained all of it back. How sad is that?

What is my motivation to lose the weight now? Hmmmm? I think enough time has passed, allowing evidence to surface that exposes him as the liar. People that believed him, now come to me and tell me that he’s lost all credibility with them, and this is his own doing, and nothing I had to say. My kids are questioned if I’m dating or not. It’s been almost five years, and I still have absolutely NO interest in dating, at all. I don’t have the energy. I don’t have the time. I don’t want to add more chaos to my kids lives. My focus is providing for, and raising the kids — Period. And, with that, I became very concerned about my weight affecting my ability to raise them long enough for them to be independant. If something happened to me…he’d be free to destroy their sense of self worth. I CANNOT EVER LET THAT HAPPEN!!!

Since I’ve lost 22 pounds, my blood pressure has dropped from 138/80 to 114/60 (today) Whoo hoo!!!! I still have 70 pounds to lose, but it’s a start. How’d I do it… If it’s white, don’t bite. If it’s processed, give it a rest. If it tasts good, spit it out. A handful IS a meal, and not a snack. High protien, lots of green veggies, and apples. Only brown rice, and whole grain bread. Lots of water. My only vice is non-fat hazelnut creamer in my coffee.

I keep thinking…the longer I hold onto this weight, the longer it will take me to increase my income… the longer he will have to control, manipulate, and threaten me financially. So, now I have to reverse my thinking from before. I gained the weight back to feel safe. There is a couple lines in a (which I can’t for the life of me, remember the name of the group, and love them..anyway) The weight I gained meminds me of these lyrics, “I wrapped myself inside a blanket and sailed my ship to safety – until I sank it.” The extra weight kept me safe from being picked up and tossed. It kept me safe from other preditors who want to swoop in and rescue. It kept me safe from the temptation of wanting to be rescued.

I don’t want to sail this ship of safety till I sink it. And, being overweight and overstressed is sure fire way to sink the ship.

The weight doesn’t serve a purpose for me, anymore. So off it goes.

Annie

my daughter is truely remarkable. I wish I could take credit, but she was born this way. The first time I held her, and looked at her little face, I saw a fighter. I said, “This child is not going to take crap from anyone.” And, she certainly hasn’t. I HATE confrontation. She doesn’t hesitate to confront, and is NOT easily pushed off her point. She’s a truth seeker. When dealing with her, the truth, and only the truth, or she will call you out – and, it doesn’t matter to her who you are, or what position of authority you have – if you are a hypocritical liar, beware. People of the MASK cannot stand up against her passion for the truth. Her opinion cannot be bought as the grandparents, the ex and his new wife have found out. She’d make a great lawyer, but I don’t think she could represent anyone that she didn’t totally believe in.

My greatest influence with her has been to honor what God had already given her – clearness of thought, discernment, rational reasoning, and a built in lie detector.

Witsend…

“After awile you just stop trying to explain it. And in many ways that just adds to the isolation that you feel even when you are with people.” EXACTLY!!!!!

The magnitude of it all is too much for most to comprehend. So even sharing the small victories doesn’t compute in their perceptions as a victory, but more dwelling on the negative. A good friend, who is quite helpful with my youngest said…
When you get all this stuff final, we are going to have a bond fire, and you are going to throw all those boxes of papers into the fire, and we will celebrate that this nightmare is over, and has no more control of you. And, you will never speak of it or your ex again.” In that instant, I imagined 17 years of my life fade away; no longer valid, the bad or the good. As much as I want this all to be over, I don’t want to throw away the baby in the bath water, either. Again, I used this analogy earlier, it’s like saying…”Once you’ve recovered from your cancer, you can never speak of it again.”

I didn’t say anything in response. I’m still processing it. She’s been an amazing player in my recovery, but I’m not willing to let ANYONE tell me which parts of my life exprience are valid, and which parts are not valid; good, bad, or indifferent. Does this make sense?

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 1:44am

a_real_wife says:

Hi all,

I’m just catching up on LF posts tonight. Nice post Oxy, and there are some great responses.

Oxy, the answer to who wrote

For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
the saddest are these, “It might have been!”

is John Greenleaf Whittier

Classes have been keeping me hopping, seriously! So I have to catch up with the articles a comments afterhours, so to speak. So I haven’t been commenting much lately, but I have been reading the various threads, and seeing new “faces” – people contributing and looking for advice.

Take care all,
ARW

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 3:37am

Spirit40 says:

Hi everyone … its been a while..but Im back…I have a hard time seeking out help , isolating myself ,telling myself I can do it on my own and even more so to ask my so called “family” for help lets see where I am at now after letting him squirm his way back…. I have no job, a car that needs repair, facing an eviction, trying to finish this semester with 4 more classes left to my BLS Bachelors liberal studies in social welfare….. just barely enough left to move and survive… oh Ill stay and make sure your both “safe” or Ill go to a program with no idea how long it will take.. so what if he is sober that dosent cure it its a mask a symptom…ugggghhhh I am at the point where I am just wanting to have a big moving sale I am not materialistic I just want to start fresh I know I am capable of having a “normal relationship” and I deserve it and my child deserves to see that this was wrong on so many levels. Oh and how much weight I have gained sitting around not working… no energy not caring if I “look” good for who he didnt want me the way I am or will be and I am Dumb ass woman anyhow right… women are not smart.. he is superior all know I know what is best for us… yeah ok that is why I supported his lazy ass! and he sponged off of me ! for years until it came to this new beginnings are hard but I just need to remember that it was mostly all lies smoke and mirrors twisted and demeaning…. we are better off…. phew that was alot but all true ! my feeling are real!

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 7:58am

My spirit is awake… dancing around my living room to Beyonce Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare!!!!!! ooww waayyy ouuuuuu whoo hoo ! I am FREE

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 9:04am

Donna Andersen says:

Spirit 40

Welcome back – please feel free to express what you need to express. We all know what you’re experiencing.

Be strong. Kick the guy to the curb and move on. You can do it. You can rebuild your life.

Thank you! Donna I just stopped listening to myself …. my instincts my gut ignorance is not bliss…. ! I am happy to be back

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 9:06am

Welcome back Spirit! ISABELL, you are a woman after my own heart! I’m so glad you are not also dealing with an out of control household of kids, and that makes a big difference. My P son didn’t get out of control at all until after I was through school. That at least helped!

Well, guys, it is one of (probably) the last few days of wonderful fall weather, sunny, crisp and wonderful so I am going to get my lazy arse out and up on my Fat Ass (for those of you who don’t know, my Fat Ass is my donkey Fat) and go for a ride while it is wonderful weather!

Keep it between the ditches, and I am so glad to see all the folks returning and all the new “faces” here at LF!

TOWANDA for us all!!!! (((hugs)))) Oxy

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 10:34am

Isabell:
I AM THRILLED FOR YOU!!!!!!
GIRL…..it’s looking UP! GREAT NEWS…..Job, kids, EMPOWERMENT, Self Esteem…….YEAH, YEAH, YEAH!!!!
This is what happens when we take control….and yes….sometimes it’s just the appearance to others (kids) that we got it all handled…..and are faking it……but it becomes contageious and LOOK….here you are!!!
I can so relate with the faking it roll…….Fake a smile, fake i’m okay, fake a clean car! I do it all……but it becomes real at some point! And it beats that damn frown!

Work off your momentum. Don’t give that stack in your bedroom any stress….REALLY…..I know that stack…..just keep plugging through it and knock that off too….
It’s drudgery…..but totally necessary for the next success!!

I’m very proud of your daughter also, for taking the bull by the horns on her emotions re; the GP’s…and expressing herself in written form.
You have done a wonderful job with her, darling! Give yourself CREDIT!!!

The clean car….oh, how I can relate…..it’s like a clean desk to me…..and lately….NEITHER has been clean or presentable….so I too did something about BOTH this week! There really is something about driving a clean car…..
My car is used for business, it’s a constant load/unload…stuff here, stuff there……But….it’s clean now….and I am glad you got to park right outside the door and dazzle them with the sparkle….

All I have to say….Isabell….IS….YOU GO GIRL!!!!!
XXOO
EB

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 11:29am

prairiegirl says:

I am new to the Lovefraud Blog – I am comforted to find so many other people who understand what I have been through. Before today, I have never had a name for the insanity; it defied explanation. I would try to explain to friends or co-workers, and no one ever understood. I have been divorced from the sociopath father of my children for 18 years. I was so relieved after my daughters wedding, to know I would never have to deal with him again. But this week has proven me wrong. Here is where the phrase “believe the unbelieveable” caught my eye. My ex is what can be described as a “serial marrier”. Every woman he has ever been attached to fits the victim profile to a tee. Everyone of us would score over 30 on the Quiz! Those of us who have know each other have a certian comradarie – a bit of an ex-wives club thing going on; we have been a support to each other. What has now became the unbelievable, is the fact the we were never legally married to this man. In between all of his infidelity, the emotional and mental abuse, and the money problems, the marriages he rushed us into were never legitimate. In my case, I was young & he was (well, YOU KNOW) and he said he handled everything, and I didn’t need to worry about a thing. A Pastor that was his friend married us. Now, 23 years later, I find that there is no marrige on file, and there never was. The wife after me, he did this to not once, but TWICE. She divorced him, and then he talked her into another marriage, which also does not exist on paper. He is now married again, (?) another rush job to a woman who sold her house, paid off his bills, and put him on her checking account. I am contacting the wife prior to me, to have her investigate her marriage record. The two before that, I do know were legitimate.
I am wondering, has anyone out there heard of someone doing this to this many women?
Thanks!

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 4:11pm

Prairiegirl:
Yep…..
I guess you just need to figure out WHY he was doing this…..
I would suspect it was what he could TAKE from the women…financially…and he had no risk because he knew the con…..
Welcome Prarie……and congratulatons on your daughters wedding.
EB

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 4:25pm

Prairiegirl,
Welcome. Glad to have you here. You’re story is like so many others, finding out that you’ve been living a lie. Finding this place was so wonderful for me. I know what it feels like to have NO ONE understand you, but here it’s different. So you’re in the right place. Happy that you’re educating yourself and moving forward. Good for you!!

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 4:41pm

Dear Prariegirl,

Welcome to love fraud, and apparently your “love” (marriage) was a legal fraud as well.

sounds like you earned your “place” here at LF as well, and all the other “ex-UN-wives.”

Actually, maybe you should be glad you were never legally married to this piece of filth!

To answer your question, oh, YES! That and worse!

I hope you will hang around LF and read the articles in the archives, there is a great deal of good infromation there to help you sort out what THEY ARE, but also to help you put “paid” to the trauma that this creep has put you and the other women through as well.

Again, welcome, you are in good company here!

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 4:46pm

Thanks Everyone!

This all does really put a differnet spin on things. I have forwarded this link to my adult daughter, and another ex-wife. We have all worried about my son (now 21) becoming his father. My son himself has expressed concern about becoming a person like his father. Reading the articles about raising children with a socio father has been good. Even though my children are grown, I feel like I did something right in raising them, and they have grown to recognize what their father truly is. Information is power, I believe.

thanks for the welcome! I will be hanging around!

Wednesday, 11 November 2009 @ 5:59pm

geminigirl says:

Oxy, dear, have you had any info re Lily yet? I think you said youd tried to reach her by phone, with no luck. I wonder if shes home yet, or still convalescing?I know youll let us know as soon as YOU know! Much love, gem.XX

Thursday, 12 November 2009 @ 2:21am

EC,
tell us about your mom.

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 1:09am

EC,
well….
she wasn’t always dead was she?
tell us about how she was when alive. How did your father treat her and what are your memories of her?

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 1:25am

So, lay back on the couch EC,
tell me who you hate.

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 2:28am

I can’t say EC, just your name throws everyone off so much that the P-radar goes into full alert.

In my case, I just don’t care about cyber-p’s, it seems ridiculous to worry about someone who can’t touch you, so I thought I’d ask you some questions. You have been a perfect gentleman, I wasn’t able to hang you. Still don’t trust you but I won’t hang you either. You will hang yourself if you are a P, they always do.

Sorry it’s been so weird on this site. gotta get some sleep. gnite.

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 3:19am

ThornBud says:

P’s are not evil. They are CORE OF EVIL

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 7:23am

tami says:

I’ve accepted that sociopaths suffer from a personality disorder just like the docs say. It’s all I can believe. I also have come to appreciate the importance of having a conscience and even the fact that I can “feel”…even if it is not always the happiest of emotions. I honestly don’t believe that most sociopaths KNOW that they are sociopaths. I actually believe that they feel that they are perfectly normal and believe that everyone else is more or less just like them. We, as victims, believe them to be straight from the very pits of hell simply because of the pain they inflicted upon us. Honestly, my ex S acted totally confused by my reaction to having found out about all of the “evil acts” that he had committed against. He just really didn’t see any of it is a “big deal”.

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 7:47am

PERSONALITY DISORDER, it is just a term. Flu is also disorder.
BOTH are SICKNESESS. P’s are SICK, they contaminate surrounding and even can kill, like any other plague.
I can’t accept that they are not aware. One can not endure, enjoy and use wealth HE IS AWARE HE DID NOT CREATE, not being aware that somebody else had to earn it for them, and same time giving NOTHING to pay it back.
If u find urself in desert without water, u will take care of every sip, u won’t bath and cool urself. THEY WILL if there is someone else to provide it, or they believe thay can steal it!
If u, me, or any NORMAL person find ourselves in such situation, we would take care, we would share. They DON’T !

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 8:05am

They REFUSE to see consequences, the same way as we refuse to see the truth. That is something in common

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 8:06am

Obviosly i am back to angry phase

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 8:08am

If i saw on my bank account that there is some money i KNOW i did not invest, i would go to the Bank and ask what is it about? Is it soe mistake? P’s WON’t! They will get it, spend it, believing they are entitled. For God sake, after all, its THEIR account, and anything on it is their posession. They have NO CONSCIENCE. Thai IS A DISORDER.

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 8:12am

LOL! I find myself back to the angry phase sometimes, too! Yes, I consider a “disorder” pretty much the same as being “sick”. However, what is so bad is that there is NO recovering or cure for this disorder. Most people recover from the flu.

It’s confusing. I’ve been told that they don’t know right from wrong and don’t consider the consequences of their actions. If that’s true…I can’t figure out why all of them aren’t in jail! So, all I was really saying is that in order to comfort myself, I’ve just accepted that they have a disorder or that they are very sick people. It I get stuck in constantly thinking about their evilness, I find that I STAY angry and it interferes with my new life. So, it’s my own pathetic way of coping…I guess.

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 8:16am

Yeah, mine felt that he was entitled to every other man’s wife or girlfriend as much as he was to his own!

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 8:18am

Sometimes, humans tend to use “soft” words for hard things. Denial? Maybe…just another kind to comfort.
“Disorder”, for instance
As for me, being P/S is not disorder but ILLNESS, and, unfortunatelly, not illnesses are curable. So “P disorder” for me is tot curable desease. Full stop.
My dear Tamy, angry phase takes own time. What i noticed with myself, whenever i pass through “angry phase”, i become less dependant of S. And, i believe its GOOD !
Keep on walking, dear…be angry! Ur anger is like antibiotic for infection of P/S !

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 8:49am

luv716 says:

I am so in the angry phase, every time I stuggle to maintain my house hold I become angrier and angerier It hurt so damn bad that I cant explain the emptyness thats in the pit of my stomach I know for me its the fact I allowed someone to play me like a fool, I honesty did love this (S) like he was a real man.I know to hate is wrong but how can I not hate a person who damn near left me pennyless, gone on with his life like mine wasn’t sh*t!!!!

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 10:16am

luv716: Wow! I could easily written exactly what you just wrote a couple of years ago. I found myself facing those same challenges! I wasn’t just ANGRY, I was enraged! I honestly feared what my reaction might be if I ran upon him face to face. He left my life in shambles as well as 12 loads of his worthless junk for me to sift through and haul off to the dump. Some of it was extremely heavy. What a mess. I ended up losing my house and nearly every material possession I had but I was determined not to allow an idiot like him to break my spirit! That’s what he wanted so badly and I didn’t dare allow him to di it. Get yourself a punching bag and punch away. And, if that doesn’t work and you live in a rural area…hang that bag in a tree and shoot it!

I don’t know if your experience is anywhere close to mine but I soon learned that I really struggled less to maintain my life with him out of it! Sure, the house had to go but a lot of stress lifted off of me when it did. I sold all my furniture and started over in a much simplified manner. It really turned out to be the best move I could have made. I still find myself grieving a tinsy bit over all I lost but I’m happy to report that I have now regain twice over what I once had. I have a wonderful simple home and peace of mind. You’ll get there…just give yourself time. My best to you!

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 10:30am

Tami, Thank you so much. I coulda took the loser leaving because he didn’t want me anymore but for the bastard taking me for everything is unforgiveable im moving on because I know I will never get back what he took but its the act of playing the love game to get what he wanted make me mad as Hell!

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 10:45am

He took my heart, my sense of trust, it seem like things will never be the same when i comes to relationships again.

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 10:49am

Lately, every man that I meet comes on to fast and furious.. making claims on me, and calling me by a nickname.. and making plans for the future.. before we even know one another. I am dropping then like flies.. What is going on? It’s like men are desparate to connect. This behavior makes me t not want to be with any of them. Is there something about me that makes them think that I am a pushover? But I have heard other women say that men now days are desparate and intense to connect. They seem so needy. And that is like my last guy was and want turned me off to him.. even as attractive as he was in the beginning.. his fast moving circumvented real feelings developing… what is going on here?

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 11:01am

I want to keep them all at arms length. I don’t trust any fast connection..

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 11:03am

Im so leary now of the fast connection that why Im in the situation I’m in now because of going with the fast connection. I gotta take it slow I don’t trust the I;m crazy about you’s in a weeks time. Its all about showing me where you coming from telling me dont mean jack to me anymore and as far as me every helping another man out of a bad situation that never gonna happen again I guess you can say he built a wall of bricks around me because I refuse to get taken again!!

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 11:17am

Dear Style,

I don’t know how long you have been away from the X in terms of healing and/or time, or exactly how badly you were burned, but when anyone has had ANY amount of SIGNIFICANT STRESS from 12 months to 18 months is a good time (to think about in terms of calendar time) AT LEAST before making any SIGNIFICANT CHANGES in your life that are NOT ESSENTIAL. Not a good time to move house unless you have to, or change jobs, etc. and so a significant change would be a new relationship.

I think your noticing the RED FLAG of “too quick dude!” is a good thing, but I suggest that you wait a while and get comfortable with yourself if you aren’t already before you even look for another “relationship.”

Usually people who’ve had a romantic relationship with a P that wasn’t shorter than 1 date need some time to sort things out. Noticing those “too quick” flags is a definite good start so GOOD for you!!!! Not everyone does but many of us (includign me) got into a relationship too quickly and there is a NEON sign I think on our foreheads that must read “OVER HERE, PICK ME!” that only psychopaths can see! When we are wounded we are most vulnerable. I picked a P 8 months after my husband’s death. I knew better than to get into a relationshp that quickly, but I made excuses for doing it. Within 4 months I was crying all the time because of how he treated me, took me another 4 months to kick him to the curb, but on top of everything else, that re-traumatized me AGAIN.

Men aren’t knocking down my door out here in the boonies at the end of a long drive, but I did have a couple of dates a couple of months ago, but I am quite comfortable with ME now and realize I don’t need someone else to make me WHOLE. I’m getting pretty picky about who I will even go out with or consider. Ps need NOT apply to even be my “friend” much less a relationship! (((hugs))))

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 11:20am

I have been away totally from the guy for over six months.. and I am not looking for a relationship.. just to go out and have fun.. The guy that I am on here about came onto me faster and more intensely than I have ever experienced and I didn’t like it at all.. and I held back the hold time because of his fast and furious connection and I never fully connected with him.. I did not trust him.. I am just going out to have fun.. but as I stated, I am finding these men that are coming on fast and I drop them or anniliate them with a response. It is pathetic what I am observing with men.. I like being alone.. I am enjoying my time to myself.. but I don’t have to be a recluse.. I like human interaction.. My hairdresser told me that I am the kind of woman that men are after.. and yeah that feels nice to hear.. but it takes the right man and the right approach.. with respect for me not that I fit his agenda.. I am very aware of this… but it is amazing what I am observing… and I sit and observe and it is pathetic… I have heightened self protection… I assure you…

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 11:37am

TOWANDA for you GF!!!!

Yea, one of the things these guys like is a “trophy” whether it is money, style, beauty or whatever it is that they are after. It is all about you as a possession and they will POUNCE like a cat with a cornered mouse.

I’m glad you didn’t let that guy burn you too badly! Many of us get emotionally “love bombed” then JUST BOMBED! LOL

Looking back (hindsight is always 20:20 LOL) I can see that my P was just a cheat who had been caught by his X wife who kicked his sorry butt out and he was looking for another respectable wife to cheat on! LOL but at the time, and especially as a 57 year old widow, I was RIPE FOR THE PICKING, felt needy and lonely and unsure of myself ever having another relationship. It is a fact that women over 50 are not exactly prime meat on the marriage market LOL BUT I also realize that if we set our sights LOW ENOUGH we could all be married tonight. Just trot on down to the local REscue Mission and pick us out our very on WINO and take him home! and “Hug him and kiss him and call him my very own” (that’s a line from the old cartoons when I was a kid) LOL

If I ever do have another relationship it will be a GOOD one, or NONE IS BETTER THAN A BAD ONE! LOL

Keep those defenses up and use caution and good sense. I’m glad you are self protective! (((hugs))))

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 11:53am

Thanks.. but what does Towanda mean?

I think I just have a certain look… that ‘they’ like…

but I am always underestimated as to my intelligence and common sense..
I am losing all respect for men… they are fools..

and it is when we are down on ourselves, feeling lost, insecure, or distracted that they pounce…
I was distracted when I met that guy that sucked me in for awhile… if I met him today .. I would not be attracted at all..

I am the prize and they need to show me who that they are …

and this age thing. ladies… a woman that takes care of herself.. is far more attractive than most older men…
I have many younger men after me.. and I have gone that route before and may again.. older men are lethally needy and a drag

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 12:26pm

LOL “TOWANDA!” is a line from Fried Green tomatoes when one of the character’s parking place is grabbed by some kids who slide in an then laugh at her. she backs up her car and slams into their car and says that word like a BATTLE CRY and then explains that she has better insurance! LOL

I can’t remember who started using it here but it is sort of a “LF Tradition” now as our battle cry when we have succeeded in doing something great! it is the LF “High Five” LOL

Well, I disagree with you about “all” men being fools, just like women, only some of them. Maybe where ever you are meeting these men they might be all fools in that POND so maybe you ought to cast your line in another POOL if the fish in that one are all slime bags.

I know one thing, after our encounters with Ps both of my single sons and I are pretty picky about who we even “look at” as a potential date, much less a mate!

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 1:16pm

style1, a couple of days ago I read your post about the S… the post you wrote on Oct. 23rd… I had not seen the post before… I was mesmerized by your writing, felt like I was looking at him with a magnifying glass! Thank God you followed your instincts and did not let him con you out of all your money! I am sorry you were hurt, but happy to hear you are feeling better now!

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 1:22pm

Black Jester says:

I remember what it was like to have balance. I feel that when one is truly centered, they can accomplish all of the most rough battles in life. To overcome adversity after this realization, you can know in your being what the stillness of that entails.

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 5:05pm

Ox Drover thanks for the Towanda explanation.. I do remember that scene in the movie… Good scene.. point well made..
Shabbychic.. thanks.. I am using this site to go through my emotions and to read and to learn.. and to get it further.. and I am .. I have moments of feeling lost and yes, a few weeks ago, I was in a funk.. but like anything, if you let it pass.. it will..

And I am very glad that I have not made any contact.. this time last year we were having a fairly good time, with the holidays approaching.. so you know how you think back to the previous year and recall.. but I am taking care of me..
And sure, I know all men aren’t fools.. but and I sample from all pools … they sure seem alot alike.. it is going to take a very special man to get my attention..

I was infiltrated by a charismatic sociopath.. …cool, calm, with a level of sophistication that used ’spirituality’ as his mantel…
I blocked all his attempts to really infiltrate and he gave it his all… Ne didn’t con me out of any money… I just did things differently had he not been in my life…
I feel that I was the winner.. but my interaction with him has made me very cautious and I was cautious before.. If there is ever a man in my life, God will need to place him there.
I actually am proud of the way that I held out.. I sensed something wrong and I reserved myself. And I was correct..
He has shallow emotions and is out for his own agenda…
And while he was trying to snow me.. I was always taking care of myself…I recall, towards the end, the way that he would watch me.. like he was trying to figure out his next move..

This site has been great reading about others experiences to further identify what I was seeing and feeling and didn’t quite get. And now, I do.

Friday, 13 November 2009 @ 7:39pm

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Believing the unbelievable sets us free

102 Comments to “Believing the unbelievable sets us free”

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persephone7 says:

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shabbychic says:

persephone7 says:

Twice Betrayed says:

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Isabell says:

OxDrover says:

Isabell says:

JaneSmith says:

JaneSmith says:

citykitty617 says:

OxDrover says:

ErinBrock says:

citykitty617 says:

Isabell says:

witsend says:

OxDrover says:

persephone7 says:

JaneSmith says:

OxDrover says:

Isabell says:

Isabell says:

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shabbychic says:

OxDrover says:

Annie says:

Annie says:

persephone7 says:

JaneSmith says:

Rosa says:

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witsend says:

persephone7 says:

persephone7 says:

witsend says:

Cat says:

OxDrover says:

Isabell says:

a_real_wife says:

Spirit40 says:

Spirit40 says:

Donna Andersen says:

Spirit40 says:

OxDrover says:

ErinBrock says:

prairiegirl says:

ErinBrock says: