Evil exists, and it does not want to be discovered
PDF Evil exists. If you need proof, just look at the horrific case of little Charleeni Ferreira.
Charleeni, age 10, of Philadelphia, Pa., died on October 21, 2009. Her father, Domingo Ferreira, 53, and stepmother Margarita Garabito, 43, were charged with murder and endangering the welfare of a child.
So how bad was the abuse? The police called it “torture.”
Charleeni actually died from an infection that resulted from broken ribs that were not treated. She had a host of new and old injuries, including a fractured pelvis and a 7-inch gash on her head that had been stuffed with gauze and covered with a hair weave.
For more details, read Signs of Charleeni’s “torture” were hidden, in the Philadelphia Inquirer.
What makes this case so appalling is that a school nurse reported suspected child abuse. In the three years before her death, Charleeni was seen by numerous doctors, a psychiatrist and a therapist. The Philadelphia Department of Human Services (DHS) provided services to the family for five months.
Now, the DHS commissioner is trying to figure out what went wrong.
Bamboozled
Here’s what I think happened: One or both of the parents were sociopaths, and they bamboozled the child welfare workers.
The parents denied any abuse—workers described them as “hurt” by the allegations—but agreed to intervention anyway. After a period of supervision, child welfare workers closed the case. They also recommended that Charleeni’s parents contact a legal aid agency if the school nurse continued to complain about child abuse.
Charleeni herself was also terrorized and manipulated. She told a doctor at St. Christopher’s Hospital for Children that her family treated her “like a princess.” Welts on her hand occurred when she accidentally stabbed herself with a pencil in the dark. She and her parents always had explanations for her injuries, although they didn’t always match.
Perpetrators
Police apparently believe that the stepmother, Margarita Garabito, was the main perpetrator. But the father, Domingo Ferreira, didn’t stop her. In fact, he showed no remorse and fell asleep in the police interview room. Then, Ferreira hung himself in his jail cell.
This, of course, is convenient for the stepmother. Her court-appointed attorney terms the suicide “an admission of guilt.”
See Charleeni’s death blamed on her dead father, in the Philadelphia Inquirer.
I don’t know who initiated the child abuse. Women can be abusive sociopaths. They can also be accomplices, under the control of male sociopaths.
Evil exists
So what’s the lesson here?
Evil exists, but it can be concealed by seemingly plausible explanations.
Evil exists, but it can be disguised by expressions of concern.
Evil exists, but victims can be too terrorized to speak of it.
People who are in a position to see signs of child abuse—doctors, teachers, social workers—need to understand that evil does not want to be discovered, so they must pay close attention to any small clues.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
Matt says:
witsend:
I’m impressed that the cop has gone so far out on a limb for you. And I think you’ve got the right approach — if your son won’t take advantage of the counselor’s services, then you should. Time to put the oxygen mask on yourself first.
I was out in Michigan this weekend and thought of you. Strange weather with it being 70 degrees on Saturday and cold as hell on Sunday. Did have a good time.
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Rosa says:
Witsend:
I am praying for you and your son.
If the police man thinks it would be good for your son to talk to her, then she must have some expertise in this area.
Hopefully, she does.
Please let us know how it goes.
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witsend says:
Matt,
What part of Michigan did you visit?
Our weather is very weird! I live in the part of Mi where we get lots of lake effect weather, snow, rain etc. Almost directly accross the lake from Chicago.
We could have 12 inches of snow and the next town a hop, skip, and a jump away, they get a dusting of snow!
The cop has made it a point to let me know he has gone beyond the call of duty…..But thats ok. Because he has.
And this place I called for counseling is not in the phone book and so I would have never known of its existance unless he gave me this information
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witsend says:
Thanks Rosa and Persphone 7….
Today I am feeling hopeful. It feels wonderful!
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ErinBrock says:
Witsend:
I think thats great……if he want’s it…he’ll take it….but I say….YOU go for it for yourself! I am really happy doors are opening for YOU! I’m really proud of you for not giving up…..continue to hold that breath of yours….ya know!
All it may take is ONE person, at the right time to get through….maybe…..just maybe!
Guys…..no bears, no paydirt……YET!
BUT….just got a call from my new bestie….didn’t answer-no message, because I’m not ready for him yet…..gotta collect a few other items and make sure the spot lights are charged up!!!!
You all crack me up…..I laughed out in the yard last night…..I wish I ‘knew’ all of you…..funny how we get this visual of people and god forbid what yours are of me!!!!
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ErinBrock says:
Wits:
My oldest made a comment the other night about if something happened he would call XX officer….but he called him by name Joe….I said, who’s joe? He said you know Officer Joe Cool……
Apparantly on one visit he gave my son his cell number to call him directly. I never knew this.
It was uplifting to my son to have a direct link to an officer if he needed it.
He has spent a bit of time chatting with this officer over the weeks and I like this!
He has said he tells him the same things I do, but it makes more sense coming from him…….
However, whoever…..as long as they ‘get it’.
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witsend says:
ErinBrock,
Ya know when we think of you we think of Julia Roberts!
You got some big shoes to fill girl….
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skylar says:
Erin,
good to see you’re still around and not bear dinner!
Witsend,
that’s great that u have a plan to see this person. google their name and see if they have a website or something on the internet about them. Maybe you can find out if they treat PD’s ahead of time and maybe just get a feel for who they are and what they do.
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Matt says:
witsend:
I was in Bloomfield Hills. Low key weekend. Went to the Henry Ford Museum.
Am sitting here fuming today — bad enough I got screwed out of my dream job by my ex boss who let her lover know about the position. Now the employer had opened a new position and offered it to the person they had rejected because they were all set to run with me last time. I’m beginning to feel like I can’t win for the losing. On the brighter side, a friend whose life seems to move in synch with mine just got hired after 53 weeks out of work. So, I’m hoping her good luck rubs off on me.
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ErinBrock says:
Matt:
Keep in mind……IT WASN”T MEANT TO BE! Just look at the kind of crappy underhanded shit this firm has already pulled….and you want to work there?
It’s around the corner for you…..keep moving in the direction you are and you know it will work out!!!!
There IS a reason for this……
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ErinBrock says:
Wits:
Does size 11 do the trick?
Ya’ll need to stop projecting Julia Robers off on me…..I’ll NEVER live up to that!!!!
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witsend says:
Matt,
I am wishing/hoping for you that your dream job is just around the corner…..
Michigan in number one in the nation for unemployment. It has been that way even before the recent hard hit.
I have several friends that are on their second stint of unemployment. There are no jobs here. For every one that does become available 100s of people apply (even the crappy jobs)
I need a job myself.
I am paralized with fear of this because I haven’t even seen a job listing that I could apply for. I am so unequiped.
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pollyannanomore says:
I freaked out about being jobless at a particularly low point in the relationship – I was carrying this attitude with me – this fear to interviews and was getting nowhere. I went to see a therapist who did something called EFT – the type she did was called TFT – thought field therapy. You can google thought field or emotional freedom technique. It is like a tapping on meridian lines while you hold a bad memory or somthing you are really struggling with.
I felt lighter after the session and wasn’t so freaked out about job hunting. I had a job within two weeks after that so it really helped me. I think the greatest part of job hunting is our attitude on approaching it. You ladies all have loads of skills – you have lived with psychopaths – that alone should earn everyone a degree but at least qualifies you to put on your cv …
“Excellent skills for establishing and maintaining relationships with key stakeholders, including negotiation and arbitration skills for problem solving when challenges arise.”
I fell into my current career after having no skills and no quals and going for over two hundred jobs and getting knocked back for each and every one. I went for relief teaching in a preschool (childcare centre) and from there got hired fulltime and trained and all the rest of it. It is worth checking into – you don’t always have to be fully trained.
You have loads of skills and abilities – ass kickin, apple sauce making, bear ass whuppin
Just start thinking about them all! I remember how bad I felt so I am standing in empathy with you …
The EFT removes the fear which is really the biggest barrier – it worked for me
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OxDrover says:
Got out and went to some therapy myself—a drive to town and hitting all the junk shops! Had a great time and picked up the cat at the vet—she is now a house cat due to my son C’s psychopathic cats persecuting her and running her off! So she is home and fixed and inside safely and can look out the window and laugh at their sorry arses while they are out in the cold because they claw furniture and do other bad things. So sometimes the humble cat does win in the end, and the Ps get what they deserve—NC and going to live in the barn instead of in a nice warm house where they clawed the furniture and all lthe other nasty things they did and persecuting my poor little tiny baby cat! That’ll show’em! I didn’t think animals could be psychopathic but I think these two nasty cats are Ps. They sure act like it! LOL
She’s having a nice bowl of goat milk now that she’s home!
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persephone7 says:
Erin:
I still like Julia Roberts for you, she has that good-natured maniac thing going for her, could possibly wear size 11 shoes too, you don’t know!?! Gotta run, will
check in later…would be nice to have some of Oxy’s apple pie or sauce to go…will pass on the goat’s milk, though maybe yours doesn’t taste goaty…
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ErinBrock says:
Good natured maniac…….Perfect description of me!!!!!
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Easy says:
Very Insperational, This should be the Love Fraud Motto!
http://www.personalgrowthcours.....w_mitchell
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nic says:
See this kind of story scares me. I am now grateful that my ex doesn’t care about our daughter. I had to take her to the ER Monday night because of a 103 fever. I called him, even though he didn’t call to get her over the weekend, at 8 to tell him we were on our way to the ER. I left a message. 2 hours later I put it in writing via text….still no answer.
I just wanted documentation. So I had to take off work on Tuesday. My daughter had the flu. My mom watched her on Wednesday. She was better on Thursday and went to daycare. Today she was ill again and I had to take a half day and take her back to the doctor. She now has an ear infection.
He called me Tuesday at 6:00 a.m. to ask how she was and that was it!!! I haven’t heard from him since. I refuse to call him back. How can he only call once to check on his daughter? Just being sarcastic. When I discovered he was cheating and I looked at the phone records he was calling his mistress whore back to back 10 or 20 times straight in a manner of minutes and yet he can only call his sick child once.
I hate him! I don’t trust him, his mistress or her kids. So I am glad he is with his current victim.
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ThornBud says:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....=topvideos
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Donna Andersen says:
More on the Charlenni case:
A story in the Philadelphia Inquirer seems to indicate that the little girl’s stepmother was the perpetrator of the abuse, and her father didn’t know about it.
The father, Domingo Ferreira, had another daughter, Glenny, who is now an adult and says she was never abused. According to the Inquirer:
“Glenny talked to him (her father) shortly after he and Garabito were arrested. She said he had told her, “I didn’t know I lived with a monster.”
Read the article:
http://www.philly.com/philly/n.....98042.html
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Donna Andersen says:
UPDATE on Charlenni:
Poor Charlenni Ferreira allegedly died from wounds suffered during child abuse at the hands of her step mother.
“She has to be in heaven, she has to be an angel, because her life on Earth was a living hell,” said Municipal Court Judge Patrick F. Dugan.
The mother, Margarita Garabito, appeared for a preliminary hearing on Tuesday. For more:
http://www.philly.com/philly/n.....00382.html
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OxDrover says:
Dear Donna,
Thanks for keeping LF readers updated on this story and others of this magnitude.
I actually didn’t read the update-links, as frankly I am trying to decrease my stress levels right now, but will come back and read them when I am able. This is the very kind of story we need to keep in the front of the public’s eye, that and the one about Dr. Amy Castillo’s children’s death at the hands of their father while Dr. Amy was screaming to the judge “he will hurt them.”
These outrageously cruel practices of the Ps must be kept in the forefront of the minds of judges and the public.
Thanks.
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erin1972 says:
Hi-One year anniversary of the beginning of the demise of my relationship-the day that the wife found about about A*** and I. I feel very empty and lonely today. I’m feeling really bad about myself. I made the mistake of reading about the Sandra Bullock story and it made me feel worse. She is very much as naive as I was and some of the details gave me bad memories. I hate not having anyone to talk to. I am afraid that I will never find the right man for me-I am 37 and I only want to get married once in my life. I’m beginning to think that no one that is NOT an spath or narcissist will ever want me.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Erin1972,
My suggestion is that you work on yourself and being happy with yourself, and don’t worry about a man in your life. No man can make you happy if you are not already happy.
Focus on YOU and when you are in the right place, good things will follow. God bless.
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ErinBrock says:
E72:
I want to follow oxy’s advice with this….
It is not helpful for you to ‘romantisize’ all of the ‘milestones’ from your relationship.
Your only holding on to things that don’t matter now.
Every month will offer us some sort of ‘memory’ of a time with the spaths…..so why keep ourselves in those times….
Let it all go……when you find yourself remembering a date…..’shake it up’…..and divert your thinking…..to something for your future, something that matters in the NOW for you…..
If we live in the past, we can NEVER move forward.
If you are hoping for a nice healthy relationship for your future…….then get on with doing what you have to do for your today…….to get to that future.
Every moment you waste thinking about the past, will set your future out that much further.
Think about it this way…..IF you met the ‘man of your dreams’ today…….your NOT ready for him…..you may not even recognize him, and even if you did……you couldn’t have a healthy relationship…….because YOUR not over your past!!!
Get on it girl…..
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tobehappy says:
Hey Erin….
Oxy is right. Give yourself a YEAR to devote to yourself. That is what I am doing. They say that we attract someone where WE are in our life. In other words…if you are not happy, and you feel lonely and insecure…you will attract someone with that “vibration”. Someone who has “issues”. Thats what happenned when I met my xhusb..AND exbf….Both times..I was lonely and insecure. Hannibal Lechter could have rang my bell and I would have let him in…lol!
I have met more single women in my life in the last few years…divorced…etc.. My daughters bf lives behind me. Her Mom was dating a cop from town…actually lived with him for six years and they were building a house together and planning to marry. He cheated on her with a 21 yr old and dumped her and is living with that young woman now in that big house in town. So, Maria bought her own house…and she is single since then…she is 32..has a daughter from a guy she never married when she was 19, and she goes to work and is very active…goes alot of places with friends and hasn’t even dated in the 3 yrs she’s lived nextdoor to me! Well, she did go out on a few dates..but nothing panned out. She is young and very pretty and has a great figure. She works for the chief of police and meets tons of cops and people. She is just picky now…and wont trust unconditionally.
There are many divorced women in my town alone…and they don’t have a man in their life. There are tons of people on these dating sites….alot of lonely people.
When I met my xbf..I was so happy that I had someone who I thought was a decent person…we went to dinner, movies..talked all day long. THen, I found out that he was lying about so many things….I couldn’t trust him..it was over.
Big giant disappointment.
But, I am going to be a gym rat…work on feeling good about myself…
I’ve been the queen of isolation in the last few months since my second break up with the x. But, I am SLOWLY starting to realize that its all about ME now. I am devoting the entire year to ME…I started dieting and eating only protein and got my house organized ALOT in the last two days…and will finish the mess tomorrow..(I’m achey now!)…and then I will decide which gym to join to get out of the house everyday for an hour or two in the morning….to work out and get in GREAT shape. WHATEVER it takes to get my self feeling GOOD about MYSELF.
THEN, I KNOW I will meet a good man….I just want tobehappy!!!!
Ok..I had a significant dream the other night.
THE DREAM:
I went back to work (where I worked with the x).
He walked in surprised to see me…
He tried to hug me and be nice.
At first I was feeling happy and I was about to tell him that I forgive him for lying and that I love him. I was choked up in my dream.
THEN, a student broke a glass in the bathroom in my classroom and I heard it and went running to help him not get hurt.
When I went to help this student…I thought to myself..”what r u doing?…don’t let him fool you again!”
So, I walked out of the bathroom back into my classroom. I told my x…”sorry, I’m moving on” and I walked away.
IMagine that? I almost forgot what he did and forgave him and gave him another chance…but ….the kid breaking the glass….made me think.!!!
Can anyone analyze that????
I guess it was a good dream.
Anyway, Erin….you have to refocus and its NOT easy. It takes ALOT of effort….ALOT of work. I make believe that my x is dead and what would I do?? I’d live on and make a new life for myself. I do this everyday…….forget the past….
Think of FUTURE GOALS..
Its really how I get through each day and don’t feel lonely.
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silvermoon says:
Erin,
I just visited a civil war museum this week. Fascinating. It was a recieving hospital and treated over 70,000 Confederates.
Well in one room, they had decorated it for mourning by the traditions of the day. Black scarves were hung over the window treatments.
The ladies were required to wear full black and not show any skin for one year in public. This required the wearing of extravagant veils.
In the second year (because mourning took 2.5 years) they were allowed white collars and cuffs to their black dresses.
They were allowed to marry, but remained in mouring for the full time.
SO here’s a thought: If you are going to have a full blown traditional mourning, do it with all the antebellum style you can.
Hang black crepe, dress for it. Let it all out with all the trimmings. Swoon if you want! Suffer for your love until you are really done.
Now, I don’t say this in jest, I say it because it doesn’t go away until you are ready and one comment you made really hit me: That you don’t have anybody to talk to. Well, you go into a traditional mourning and people will ask. You can tell everybody you mourn for a great love and you fear that you may never love like that again. You can tell the world and the fearful secret will be let out.
There is NO REASON to trap it inside you.
A famous french poet once wrote a poem about passion for life and he wrote whether it is wine, poetry or virtue, be you drunken ceasslessly and what he was saying is wherever you are, whatever you are about, be it, do it, live it with passion.
After 12 months to have marked this very date the way you have, you impress me as a very traditional person. I encourage you to fulfill the tradition of mourning this great love and pour out all your fears and sadness until you are empty of them. Or, 2.5 years. Which ever comes first….
Do you know the story of Emily Dickenson? She was a poet who fell in love with a minister who left her and she then locked herself indoors and wrote poems to her love for the rest of her life. Have you seen Pride and Predjudice> Jane Austen shows us in her story how a woman recovers after this devastation and its a compelling story because after Willoghby who breaks her heart to peices, the heroine recovers.
Mourn. Seek out the poems and stories of the broken hearted- if this is where you are, then pursue it with all the fire in you until the embers warm but the flarings of emotion don’t burn you any more.
Go for it, be a Diva about it. No anvil will fall on your head if you do and what’s more, you will be able to be authentic in the world. Its no good pretending everything is ok in public when it isn’t. And if you display your mourning, people will recognize that Erin is still Erin, but Erin’s heart hurts. And they will give some room for it so that you don’t have to pretend that anything else is true.
Heart, we will forget him,
You and I, tonight!
You must forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.
When you have done pray tell me,
Then I, my thoughts, will dim.
Haste! ‘lest while you’re lagging
I may remember him!
– Emily Dickinson
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silvermoon says:
2b,
I’d say that in your dream, the inner child that wants to grow up safe and happy and not be hurt any more had quite a tantrum when it thought you might open yourself up to this again.
Good for the little you!
I just spent a week with my son. We have agreed to make the year for us. It looks like he will try to come back after going to Dad’s on the notion that it was better there and then finding out living with active alcoholism, narcissim and patalogical dominance and a bunch of roomies with personality disorders and low achievement and even canabis cards isn’t all that wonderful.
The ideas about what kinds of changes are about to run me down like bowling balls are a little overwhelming, but the idea of a year dedicated to personal growth, spiritual empowerment and healing seemed to be the right thing to both of us.
Here’s hoping we make it happen together!
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tobehappy says:
Silver is right Erin…you need to mourn and it takes time. Maybe thats why I isolate myself alot since February. Grief stage. I just don’t want to get stuck in Grief…then it becomes depression…which, I guess is normal for what we’ve been through. Betrayal.
Whenever I think of being involved with someone so disordered…I know that I would never go back with him again…and thats what I am mourning…the loss of the “dream” I had that someone cared about me.
Yes, he cared on some level…but it was only to keep me happy so that I would keep HIM happy. If I fell apart then I wouldn’t want to have sex with him ….so he was “taking care” of me so that I could remain his supply. He didn’t genuinely care. So many times he said…”well, I’m your boyfriend..I’m SUPPOSED to help you” UGH! They copy and go through the motions. Its not from the heart.
So, what I grieve is having a true love in my life that is honest and cares about ME…not just himself. This guy did a good job of convincing he cared about me…but there was always an ULTERIOR MOTIVE in it for him.
ITS ALL ABOUT HIM. And, I don’t need a selfish disordered man in my life…taking care of me so that I could continue to take care of HIM.
Thats the reality. I could sit and “FANTASIZE” that he truly loved me…but ..its time to WAKE UP and I did.
So…if I feel lonely for a man…its for TRUE LOVE..NOT for him.
And, I know that if I want to find a “companion” someday…I have to work on it…get myself happy and healthy and find some passions and delve into them. Thats when you meet the right one…
This journey …this life…goes quickly. I think of Farrah ….so young….
So, I am living each day and finding happiness in something each day..and peace. I refuse to waste my time on this earth being miserable because I got involved with a liar.
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tobehappy says:
Wow Silver…you are right about that “inner child” in my dream!!!! I didn’t even think of that!!! Great analysis!!! I couldn’t figure it out…all I knew is that I “caught” myself ..since he caught me off guard….and I almost fell for it again..as I did in October. OMg….I guess it means that I AM moving on!!!
THANK YOU!
How old is your son?
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silvermoon says:
My son is 15
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tobehappy says:
Oh ok. I’m sure you will both be fine! I”m glad he is away from the Socio!
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silvermoon says:
His dad is an N. He is having to go back to finish school this year. I hope soon he will return.
I turned him on to echardt tolle and he really go into it!
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erin1972 says:
Silver-your Civil War comments remind me of Gone With the Wind when Scarlett was upset about mourning for her husband who died in the war. She only married him to try to make Ashley jealous. She was doing the all black from head to toe and upset her Mammy by trying to wear a red hat.
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silvermoon says:
We consider that any man who can fiddle all through one of those Virginia Reels without losing his grip, may be depended upon in any kind of musical emergency.”
Mark Twain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtOVmAtZ9tU
Here is the dance scene. Yes, Scarlett’s costome was exactly about that veil and all.
And of course Mammy said NO to the red hat!
But that tradition that was cool is that everybody knew what to do about a woman in mourning. Scarlett of course, in the story broke all the rules…
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one_step_at_a_time says:
i look good in black – but i don’t think i am gonna go THAT far. LOL.
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silvermoon says:
I drew the line on the hoopskirt- way too much…. but a fanny pack instead of a purse under a sweatshirt is the 21rst century bustle- No doubt….
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one_step_at_a_time says:
‘but a fanny pack instead of a purse under a sweatshirt is the 21rst century bustle’ – Oh, THERE’S a fookin visual i don’t need!
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geminigirl says:
Silvermoon, what the heck is a fanny pack? Do you mean a pant liner or towel?
By the way, I LOVE your writings. You come across a s a very smart, cultured, poetic, sensitive, literary person. I laways enjoy your musings. I also love poetry, Im a fine Arts graduate, with 28 years teaching exp. My subjects were Art, English, and ESL, {special Education, for which I had to get extra qualifications.}I went to Edinburgh College of Art, Scotland, then teaching college.{1956- 62 },Six years of study, -I loved all of it.Taught in scotland, Singapore, Malaysia, and here in Sydney, Australia. Retired since 1989 from teaching, but took other jobs till 1996.Im 71 this may. Of to scotland for 3 weeks, to catch up with old “girl” friends!.
Love, mamaGem.XX
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kim frederick says:
Gem, A fanny pack is a purse that is shaped sort of like a half moon that is straped around your lower waste, so that your hands are free to ride a bike or rollar-blade or what-ever.
How are you, Gem? Did you get my apology for mouthing off?
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kim frederick says:
Silvermoon, I loved your post on mourning. Very wise and true. Sometimes all we need to do is give ourselves permission to feel what we feel, and the rest takes care of itself.
Hallejuelia. I can quit now and live a little. Middle of March was 2.5 years…so, “Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty. Free at last.” I can get out of this horrendous black, take the crepe off the windows and put on some lip-stick.
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silvermoon says:
Kim,
Don’t forget the RED HAT!
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silvermoon says:
mama gem,
Your words are so kind. I am no more than any here but one of the shattered hearts looking for the peieces to put itsself backtogether.
There is an amazing thing that happens here. And I am everyday more grateful for finding this place and the community who understands, encourages and weeps and laughs and rages together around this common experience.
I hope your trip is wonderful. Edinburgh is a place I have always wanted to visit -especially during the festivals. I’d actually thought of taking my son to Scotland for a year just to do it. We’ve always been fascinated by it and made several reports.
Shall we have a virtual cup of tea when you return and I shall be able to hear more about this place which has always interested me and about you and about your insights on teaching? I have so many questions about how to educate my son and I am thinking about home schooling under I can get HIS heart pieced back together.
Safe travels and thank you.
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erin1972 says:
Silver-You were right. I am SO traditional. I am 37 but a total throwback to the past. My ex was traditional too. That’s what attracted us to each other. He liked the feminine tomboy who had curves. He loved the fair skin and dark curly hair and the fact that I have no tattoos-and that my beliefs are traditional.
I loved that he kept his short and neat. He always tucked his shirt and and didn’t leave the house without a belt. I’m so tired of seeing guys my age with pants hanging down. That’s why I loved the age difference between us.
You were SO right about the mourning thing. It may take me 2.5 years to get over it and over him. I mostly do OK but still have those days sometimes.
I wish I could find someone like A*** but normal and not spath and narcissist. I am Miss Independent and it felt so good to have someone strong who wanted to take care of me and always knew what to do to make me feel special.
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OxDrover says:
Dear ERin1972,
When the time coimes (not now) start looking for HONEST UP FRONT—that means men who are HONEST, that does NOT mean he is “dishonest with others and honest with you.”
If a guy is married or otherwise attached and lying to the other partner then HE WILL EVENTUALLY LIE TO YOU. If he says she is a shrew he will call you one. People are not just “situationally honest” they EITHER IS OR AIN’T, just like dead or preg, you ain’t a little bit dead or a little bit preg. You may be recently dead or preg, but recent or remote doesn’t count for much.
Matt’s “Tions” are a good thing too
Educa-tion
Habita-tion
transporta-tion
I can’t remember the rest (Gosh, I hate this CRS crap! LOL!) but I have what I call my negative DEAL BREAKERS.
It’s a DEAL BREAKER if he has:
recent or current attachment—if his wife just died or they just got a divorce or the divorce isn’t final, HE IS NOT READY, EVEN IF HE THINKS HE IS, for a new relationship, it will turn out to be a bummer.
past history of cheating on his wife/GF–you may have to find this out behind his back.
criminal background, whether it is being charged with a long list of crimes he “got off on” or actual convictions, it puts him on my DON’T DATE HIM OXY LIST.
NO friends, NO family, NO reputation in the area he lives. Frequently, Ps change venues when things get HOT for them at the old location. Look for STABILITY in friendships etc. Also look at the QUALITY of friends he has. If his “best friends” are creeps, well, remember BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER.
History of drug and/or alcohol or gambling problems even if he’s been through rehab 15 times. Sorry don’t mean to hurt anyone here who has had this problem in the past and has licked it, I am just wary of the “dry drunks” in AA who can really put on a show of piety when they are really Psychopaths. I know there ARE good folks who have licked addictions, but I am cautious enough I don’t want to take a chance.
HYPER religious but little sign of spirituality.
High risk taker—drives too fast, drives and drinks, not cautious in sports activities.
Bitterness toward last ex (or others in general) —either he will be a person who hangs on to bitterness (and that is someone I’m not interested in ,even if he was JUSTIFIED in being bitter at first, I want someone who has grown from a bad association, not remained bitter over it.
If I were interested (or of an age to) have children with a partner I would also look at his family history of alcoholism, drug addiction and/or criminal back ground in the family.
Anyone with a tendency to “have to be right” to “be the smartest” to “be the best” and rub it in to those less fortunate. A tendency to be rude to anyone, like a waitress.
I’m sure everyone here could add to this list, but I doubt that many of you would scratch off any of the things I have listed as being “undesirable” traits in a potential mate.
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silvermoon says:
be patient.
be autentic to your feelings.
be open to true spirits
know that you are special without needing anyone to make it so.
You are a strong woman of long tradition. YOu will prevail.
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silvermoon says:
Right on OX t which I add-
watch how the men in his family treat the lady of the house.
There is a clue to how they will regard you and expect you to fit in.
Make sure you like the picture.
Make sure you will be happy in it.
Because you will be.
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erin1972 says:
holy crap guys-this is a lot of work: waiting 2.5 years sounds like a darn good plan to me!
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