Regrets—we all have them
PDF By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could … Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
ThornBud says:
Henry wrote: THEY always get the last word.
No, God takes it. WE can just let them THINK they get the last word, or cut the wires, as Oxy said.
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banana says:
Erin Says to tell him to drop the baby off at daycare if he’s late.
Oxy says, never give him the satisfaction.
I think I see where oxy has a point. If ALL exchanges are at the “cop shop” I’m right there with a witness that S/P is late, so, so maybe this sort of thing will be lass and less likely to occur.
Thanks everyone for your help. I feel the love here more and more everyday : )
The way you carefully consider my needs and take the time to answer all of my questions.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Banana,
Erin and I are essentially saying the same thing….the details may vary, but the UNemotional approach. Remember back when you said to your son as he took him “I love you” and he said “No you don’t” and you got so UPSET. This is what I am talking to you about. You must NOT let what this creap says or does throw you into a “tizzy”
You must get the custody and pick up drop off so HE does NOT get a chance to say anything nasty to you—the cop shop is a good place for a WITNESSS that is not connected, and is reliable and a good one to call in the event he says the kid’s leg was broken when he picked him up or some other crazy lie.
This way too, YOU are protected, and the reason yo uwant it this way (to the judge) is because your X called CPS on you and you are afraid of your X (didn’t he try to strangle you or something in the past?) This arrangement will NOT be a good one for HIM and he will NOT like it at all.
Picking up and dropping off your son is his way to HARRAS YOU and it is FUN for him. he gets to pith you off, inconvenience you and so on. What better way to pull your chain and push your buttons? There is no better way that I can think of. He is ENJOYING this.
So essentially EB and I are saying the same thing, arrange the details for YOUR benefit, then STICK TO THEM TO THE LETTER.
If he has made you late for work (document time, date, etc) then in an effort to keep this from happening again, then you need to make sure the kid is there the night before, so he CANNOT DO THIS AGAIN.
Communicate ONLY via text or e mail and short, and concise. If he texts you something nasty, DO NOT RESPOND TO IT.
The text must be ONLY “I will meet yo uat the cop shop at x time –which is the prearranged time by the court–and if he is 10-15 minutes late (that amount of time should also be specified in the custody arrangement.) then LEAVE. Do not give him another day or anything for HIS convenicence.
Plus, E B is right, you CANNOT ASK FOR ANYthing from him either. So if you have to get out of bed with a fever of 110 and take the kid to the cop shop, you have to do it, unless you are in the hospital.
But my guess is after a few weeks or months of NO FUN pulling your chain, he will quit even trying to see the jkid. He will however come back everyonce in a while just to keep you off balance, but I wouldn’t worry about that just handle it day by day.
YOU CAN DO IT. This is TAKING CONTROL AWAY from him.
In order to have some peace, you have to be strong, and look at the END GOAL, not just the little lcrap he pulls day to day. LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE.
YOU CAN DO IT GF! I know you can! Love oxy ((((hugs)))))
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ErinBrock says:
Banana:
You have 2 choices if he is late…..(about losing your job)
continue to wait and place your job in jepordy.
-Or-
Give him 10 minute leeway and get to your job on time.
Being able to document the exchange/lateness is crucial.
You need to speak to your attorney about SPELLING EVERYTHING OUT IN THE ORDERS! Including if he is late by 10 minutes, you have to be at work on Wed am’s, fri am’s (you get it)…this is HOW it will go. This is what you will follow, this is what he will follow. If he doesn’t follow XX, you will do this/that.
Bottom line, if he’s late and your not there, you had to proceed to work…..well…..the cops ain’t gonna take your son.
Something needs to happen to your son, and if the kid is scheduled for Day care that day……well….who’s gonna drop him off?
If you can find some other alternative plan with a friend of whatever, that can be SPELLED OUT…..but he may come back and say….well, my mother is willing to take the kid.
It’s a catch 22 with the daycare and knowing YOUR situation intimately…..only you can be aware if it’s possible or not to keep him away.
It would certainly be optimal for you……but is it possible?
If he is continually late, then yes….ask the courts to have him drop the child off in the night time, before dinner. (after work, when you are not as worried his lateness can effect you)
Yes, request the police station drop off-pick up point, and take your son into the lobby, or you wait in the lobby…. so everyone knows your there……each time, like clockwork. even 5 minutes early…..waiting.
It’ll be noticed…..your behaviors….your habits……AND HIS!
Keep a log, sign in/sign out……type notebook…..have the clerk sign it each time.
If you don’t deviate, there is no reason to take a text from him……you don’t have to confirm what has already been confirmed in orders. If he’s late, he can call the clerk at the police station to relay info…..it’ll put his game out in the open….quick!
Like OXy said……Bottom line, figure out what works for you, and take the control away from him. YOU set the ‘pace’ or the standards……by memorializing them in the orders……
Oxy is just so clear in her writings….I’m sorry I can’t write clearer…..I’m hoping you understand the content….
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heavenbound says:
Henry,
Thank you! He isn’t worth it. Yes my son was expecting him. He is 10. He wasn’t surprised, mad or (thank God) hurt. (he was suppose to have visitation starting yesterday and ending this evening) I just know what he has done to us in the past and know that every minute he lets go of with my son is a blessing from God. Todays’s new article has a list of concerns for if the p has time with the child, well questions and it’s a list of all my complaints and worries (kind of validating)
Oxy,
I have cut the wires to so many of the buttons he used and was kind of proud of that, I think that’s what amplified the anger was that he hit a button and it worked. He doesn’t know it did, but I do.
Erin,
Thank you for great detail!
Thornbud,
Yes God will have the last word! Thanks for reminding me.
I really needed all the validation, support, understanding, and plans of action…Thank you all so much!
I guess I sound crazed in a way, I don’t really feel so good. The p picked my son up this morning and didn’t get to see me at all or I him. That was good. Late last night though, both of my boys did what kids do sometimes and my feelings were so hurt, I cried for hours. I don’t usually cry that long, but I guess I needed to. It was just awful because it was just like the p always done. They don’t understand I guess that some things just aren’t funny when you had a p do it to you constantly. Oh well, tomorrow will be a better do I’m sure (I hope)
I know there’s other talk going on on another thread, but I haven’t read any of it so I just wanted to say, it’s not that I don’t care, I’ll try to catch up later.
Love, hugs, and prayers, heavenbound
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banana says:
Okay,
At the risk of sounding STUPID, What IS my end goal?
Oxy,
“But my guess is after a few weeks or months of NO FUN pulling your chain, he will quit even trying to see the kid. He will however come back every once in a while just to keep you off balance, but I wouldn’t worry about that just handle it day by day.”
I hope and will PRAY that this IS the case.
It’s incredible. My son is back on a “normal schedule” even though he’s in a new day care. He has been such a happy boy. He doesn’t seem to mind that he’s not seeing daddy every week now : )
Erin,
Did you mean keep S/P “away” from day care?
I am trying my best. I work late wednesdays and cannot make the drop-off time. So, in the past I dropped my son of at S/P mother’s and S/P picked him up there.
GREAT because I don’t have to see S/P, but not great in that she raised the S/P and I think she may be one herself.
Also, I have no idea what he has told her and how uncomfortable I will be around her and communicating with her. (This was my attorney’s reasoning to the court for not using her as daycare).
So now we are looking at Thursdays, but it will mean that S/P had our son Thursday PM thru Friday AM then Friday PM thru Monday AM.
I figure, “it’s only every other week.”
We are requesting COP SHOP. Erin, I really like your idea about the sign-in journal. I will use it, and also have the clerk sign when S/P arrived. I will also ask an officer to walk me to my car, as I will not know if S/P is waiting for me in the parking lot.
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witsend says:
bananna,
The best thing is to SIMPLIFY this in your own head so you always stay focused on the end result rather the (emotional) “stuff” you have to go through to get there.
The best end result you could get is that he looses interest with time, plain and simple. If he looses interest he spends less time with your son! That is your goal…..If you think he manipulates you through your son now, while he is still a baby….OMG you ain’t seen nothing yet…
If you have these drop off and pick ups and all visitation “rules” and they are court ordered and you follow then to the detail….He will not like it cause it doesn’t give him wiggle room. He can’t create his “texting” drama, he can’t give up a day for a concert and pick up a day to replace it…..Pretty soon with any luck he will see less and less of your son. Because seeing your son won’t benifit him like it does now when he tries to make your life so miserable. Once the “game” ends for him hopefully he will not be in your sons life as much as he is now.
That will improve your life and your sons life
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witsend says:
bananna,
I had a thought but I am not sure what you can do about it now. However I would SERIOUSLY give it some thought to see what you might do to avoid this.
You mentioned about his mother having the baby on one of the days that you drop him off by her. If I were you I would do WHATEVER I had to do for his mother not to have a entire day that she babysits your son……The reason I say this is if she is disordered, even an N, she will get very possesive of this time with your son and if your X does tire of spending time with his son and starts lagging off (WHAT YOU WANT) HIS mother with be the one to push him into continuing regular visitation and she will lure him into this by saying he can bring the baby by her house.
Unless you think she is good for the baby, cause there is nothing better than a doting grandparent. But if she is disordered herself she can do your end result “goal” alot of damage.
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ErinBrock says:
Hey guys……
Off to court with Soc #2….
I think this may be my last time in court with a S….
Hopefully for a LOOOOOONNNNNGGGGG while!
I really don’t think he’ll show…..but I’m ready for him just the same!
I’ll fill ya in when I get back.
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OxDrover says:
Cat, I posted to your comment to me on another thread and I can’t find it now (am having internet connection problems so it went off into cyber space. Not ignoring you.
‘
Good luck EB on your court case! I may not be back onlilne much today, this internet connection (via air card) is driving me bonkers. My son says is something to do with soft ware when I used a borrowed air card a while back but he is putting my new computer up and transferring data so maybe I will be in better computer shape SOON! I’m gonna post this before I lose it. You guys have a good day if I don’t get back. I’m so frustrated now I want to toss the thing through the window! Can’t do it, it is cold outside! LOL
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ErinBrock says:
Wow….so much to learn!
Had another successful day in court…..Soc #2 and accomplice were no shows…..got the judgement.
Funny thing was…..he was another no show in court last week…..did the same thing to another ‘victim’……but much worse.
So……nothing like ‘women scorned’ to seek out and destroy a Sociopath!
This will be my mode of collection. The courts have provided my contat info, as they needed my permission to release it to the other ‘victims’…..building a team here. We are all business relationships……
The judge requested I see the court clerk prior to leaving, there was some additional paperwork.
Apparantly, there is a summary filing I can file (he highly recommended it), no cost…..I have it served……(and he’s still in town)….IF he doesn’t show to this hearing, the court will issue a warrant for arrest with only cash bail……..WHEN he is picked up, IF he (they) can’t post bail……he/They sit their sorry ass’s in jail!
If bail is posted a lein is placed on the bail and turned over to MOI!
The judge had the clerk ready with the paperwork and told me, I am only suggesting this because of what he has done, to you and others and I know YOU will follow through.
They can’t flee the country back to europe…..because MOI has their passports/Birth certs and DL’s…….and without ID….it’s hard to get ID. Oh, what a quandry he placed himself in!
I left court today and visited some places I know he frequents…..alerted business owners…..ALL had the same story….Yeah, he owes us money too. Some had seen him, but he hadn’t conned them yet.
I’m gonna follow this through…..becasue I want him to know VERY CLEARLY that he is not welcome in MY TOWN! He won’t be able to poull off the con here…..so get out and stay out!
Anyways….what a learning experience this is……a road map through the courts……
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geminigirl says:
My lovely son in law had mega problems with sharing their 3 kids with my P daughter.Thank god he now has [at the moment] full time custody of them, as she had to give up her flat as she couldnt pay the rent. Now Mama,{me } has STOPPED baling he out, she has no permanent address. They used to have the kids week about. he said it took him 2 days or more, to get them adjusted to HIS way of doing things, as she let them eat junk food, let them go to bed any time they wanted, and then they were tired and hung over at school the next day.Sometimes, he found out from the kids that she had farmed them all out with ‘friends” for th entire weekend, and hadnt seen them at all . One time, Holly, then 12 or so, rang him from the cocktail lounge ofa bar, where my daughter had dumped her while she had a few drinks with friends.he sent his new girlfriend to ick her up,{not a good idea.]For 3 years, shed been using Holly to babysit her little sister, shes still a kid at 14 herself. Your right, Ps just see their kids as extensions of themselves, and use them too.
Im so glad he now has them all the time. When I saw them a few weeks ago, they were happy, clean, well dressed, smiling,
contented, chatty,{they hardly used to talk when she brought them over,} they were always tired, filthy, black feet, hair in eyes, sulky looking, bad mannered. What a difference! he says he is still waiting for the youngest {who is 8,} to go into “meltdown” re missing her Mum, but so far, hasnt happened.he cuddles them all the time, but has clear boundaries, and consequences. Im so glad they are OK, safe, and happy with their Dad. {{HUGS}} Gem.XX
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banana says:
Witsend,
Thank you for helping me…I thought that was my goal…I mean that IS my goal, but I wasn’t clear on how much control I had over reaching it.
You see I see court and the legal system as my only means, but you have helped me to see that I can be the means’ my attitudes, my emotions (none) and my actions.
My eyes are focused on the prize NOW.
You made my stomach drop when you said, “…..If you think he manipulates you through your son now, while he is still a baby….OMG you ain’t seen nothing yet…”
Hopefully your words will haunt me enough to be an inspration to me.
I have to tell you. My attorney just filed the emergency motion for an order of protection and rights to chose the daycare, among other things.
It’s joke. we motioned for an order of protection when he was served. what the HECK happened. Why is it that in NY the attorney’s are so into negotiating. Heck! I was ready to go to trial…should have done it then…it looks like we may go now…of course I’m already 15,000 in debt!
Anyway. I hpe and PRAY that you are right. That all this will just make life too difficult for him.
The S/P’s mother IS disordered, I believe he got some genetically from his cheating alcoholic father, but his mother was and IS inaffectual and unsupportive.
This am I dropped of my son and she didn’t rejoice and embrace him like most grandmother’s would.
She cahrged us $100 a week to sit him when he was an infant. It’s all about the $.
I HOPE THAT SHE IS NOT NEGOTIATING AND URGING HIM TO GET MORE TIME WITH HIS SON. Because I DO know that he often takes our son there, like when he was staking out the day care facility and knowing that P’s don’t like to be alone.
She already has one infant, a grand-niece, in her care, so let’s pray she’s not terribly interested in my son. although he’s so adorable who wouldn’t be : )
So. she WAS miserable this am. I assume S/P told her that my attorney is calling her abusive in e-mail correspndence with his attorney. (She tied S/P to a tree, and never took him anywhere or encouraged him.)
But I also wondered if S/P called her last minute asking if she would watch our son, since it’s been a month.
Ah. Oh well. Speculation. I MUST FOCUS ON MYSELF.
But i do worry because my S/P will have our son when he finds out about the emergency motion papers. I pray my son will be safe in his hands.
PS; CPS has defined his claim as unfounded. Day care also.
Thank you all for being HERE for me.
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banana says:
CRAP!!!!!
I let him “in”
P
Has Baby been sick with u?
*Received a call from P at 9:42 and let it go to voicemail. He states that Baby is violently vomiting.
ME
Just a slightly runny nose. He has been sleeping through the night and he’s has been very happy.
ME
How long has he been ill? Did you talk to your mom? Please instigate. He has been very healthy. Call the on-call physician (#)
ME
Take him to the emergency room if you need to. Let me know if you do.
P
I will not text you while im trying to care for our son… I have tried calling and u refuse to answer. what a shame.
ME
The doctors are the professionals. You have Baby. You need to get professional advice. Call the doctor please.
P
(1/2) I seeked professional help…i just needed to know some information from u…but its too difficult for u to understand a phone conversation is easier than texting when our son is sick…
ME
I gave you all I have to offer. He has shown no signs of illness in my care, other than what I have already told you. Take note of what he ate today.
P
(1/2) Try holding him over the sink while noah is puking and try to text because u wont answer your phone. shows how much you really care. In any situation information is critical when it comes to a child and u just prolong it. I have a land line for a reason.
*However, when I CALLED HIM to see if Baby was all right and if there was anything I could do. I questioned how would it be easier to hold a phone while talking. He mentioned speaker-phone. I don’t know many land lines today with speaker-phone.
As you can see. I provided P with all the information he needed.
He brought up old issues trying to get to me. It didn’t.
I AM SO MAD THOUGH FOR LETTING HIM ATLK TO ME.
AFTER READING WITSEND”S POST, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF THAT I WOULD STAY STRONG AND FOCUSED>
I WANT AND NEED THIS MAN OUT OF MY SON’S LIFE!!!!!!
I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF IF I FAIL TO BORE THIS MAN OUT OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!
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witsend says:
bananna,
I am sorry you have to go through this. It is a tough one because he is claiming that your son is sick and trying to trap you into the “guilt trip” all at the same time. And being a mother we always feel more comfortable if WE are the ones taking care of our sick little ones to begin with.
Please CUT yourself some slack on this one. Naturally he is doing the same thing he always does by pushing your buttons. BUT under the circumstance it is almost impossible not to show emotion when your son is sick.
Just try to remain focused on the main goal. BUT don’t beat yourself up for this one.
It actually shows you how LOW he is willing to go. If your son is sick. That should be his main concern. It isn’t.
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banana says:
More BAD news.
From my attorney:
“The papers were filed and signed by the “on duty” judge. He did not award any immediate relief because he did not believe that there was a threat to you of physical harm. (Remember I had indicated to you that to get an order of protection, the Judge looks for physical abuse….) There is a hearing scheduled for Tuesday, November 24, at 10:30. You must be there at that time.
A warning that your bill next month is going to be high due to the work on the papers that were just filed, (which was roughly 24 hours).”
I am wasting my money and time.
You guys know how abusive these S/Ps can be.
I guess my only hope is having a witness at every meeting.
My dad can’t do it any more as it elevates his blood pressure.
Who will I find at 6:15 am or 3:30pm? I want to CRY!
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witsend says:
bananna,
OK, NOW is when you really need to put your thinking cap on.
It would be best if you can get this court date to really WORK for you instead of against you.
Call out a shout to Matt and keep shouting out to him until he sees it.
Let him prime you on what your laywer NEEDS to present to the judge for your best interest . Just in case your laywer might not be used to working with these monsters.
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banana says:
MATT!!!!!! MAAAATTTTTTT!!!!!
Advise please!
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ErinBrock says:
Banana:
I know you wanted the ruling immediately, but I don’t view this as bad news.
Just a delay of a few days!
If this is a TPO hearing,
The hearing will be the time to present the CPS findings and his accusations against you and the daycare.
IT will be up to YOU to present the case. You do not need an attorney for this….and if you don’t feel comfortable, there are advocates.
24 hours billable??? Wow….I’m curious of this?
I did 2 myself with 2 extensions and don’t think I spent this much time on it…..
Make sure you get copies of all emails, letters or filed docs from your attornies asst.
It’s up to US to manage our cases and attornies…….if your attorney doesn’t like it, FIND A NEW ONE.
We can’t just turn it over, because we ‘pay’ them…….
It’s OUR lives, in the end, they walk away and find more clients to pay the bills…….
On Tuesday, this is when you will present your documentation of abuse……pysically, emotionally, financially……Stalking, harassment, threats etc….
Look up the law in your state online and make sure your claims are substantiated by the documentation you have.
JUST FACTS…..REmember…it’s all business….that’s it!
Good luck!
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banana says:
No she didn’t bill me for all 24 hours. She has a good heart.
She will be in court. She specified that I have to be there because last time we filed an emergency motion they told us we did not have to appear.
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banana says:
Oh. MAATTTT!More BAD news.
Copied from above
From my attorney:
“The papers were filed and signed by the “on duty” judge. He did not award any immediate relief because he did not believe that there was a threat to you of physical harm. (Remember I had indicated to you that to get an order of protection, the Judge looks for physical abuse….) There is a hearing scheduled for Tuesday, November 24, at 10:30. You must be there at that time.
A warning that your bill next month is going to be high due to the work on the papers that were just filed, (which was roughly 24 hours).”
I am wasting my money and time.
You guys know how abusive these S/Ps can be.
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OxDrover says:
Dear ((((Banana))))
Sweetie I am sorry this jerk is still jerkinig you around. I know how hard it is NOT to call him, but NEXT TIME YOU WILL KNOW AND BE STRONGER.
I can tell from your posts that you are starting to get a good handle on the buttons that he has been pushing and to SNIP the wires so he gets NO RESPONSE.
Keep the GOAL in mind, ALWAYS up front. Get the ass out of your kid’s life. BORE AWAY. FRUSTRATE AWAY!!!!
At first he will get WORSE for a while….EXPECT THAT! So you will not be suprised. It has always worked in the past, so he figures if he turns up the steam a bit it will eventually WORK, so he will turn up the steam. LET HIM RANT AND RAVE, NOTHING HE SAYS IS TRUE.
My bet is that if you contact the doctor, the doctor will say he never called. My bet is the KID WAS NOT SICK AT ALL.
You are getting there, Banana, and it won’t be long before you can predict what this jerk is doing before he does it! LOL God bless and you are in my prayers. Love Oxy
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Sarasims says:
Can someone tell me how I can be smart enough to know what the SP is doing to me but let him do it anyway. I let him get back into my life with his sob story of being sorry and how I was the only one he missed and loved. Then when he saw he had me, he told me he was working on his failed marriage bc he wanted to be around his kids but he wanted me in his life. He cared so much but couldn’t be in a relationship with strings bc he had to save his marriage. But he informed me that he WOULD like to F**K me bc together we were good! How can I be so stupid??? How can I truly believe in a man like this? All of you can read this and tell me he is a monster but WHY do I still see this handsome man that I just want to show that it can be different?? Why do I continue to ask these questions? I just want to go to sleep for a year and wake up when it’s all over. The pain the frustration the games. Why do I LONG to be his #1 again? when it doesn’t matter if your #1, #2, or #3 – in the end he treats all of them like shit!
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justabouthealed says:
Why? Because you like the dream of what could be (in your mind, though it can’t be) better than you like reality. Why? Because there is no problem with YOUR ability to bond. Why? Because sex releases bonding hormones and chemicals and so do romantic thoughts. Why? Because you have not gone NO CONTACT. Why? Because you are letting him override your values and self-esteem. You KNOW you deserve better, want better. Alone is better. MUCH better.
Been there, Sarasims. No contact is the only answer.
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OxDrover says:
((((Dear Sara)))))
I have felt that same pain, that same frustration at wanting to be wanted by the very man who was a total psychopath who would (AND WAS) NEVER FAITHFUL to any one woman. He wanted another “respectable” wife to keep his harem at bay.
Oh, how GOOD it COULD have been…how wonderful, how much fun! What chemistry we had. When I kicked his sorry arse to the curb, told him to never come back…I cried and cried and wondered if I had been mistaken, maybe it COULD have worked.
NO IT COULDN’T WORK because he was an IMAGE, a hologram NOT REAL, not able to care, just wanted to use me for a shield to keep his girlfriends in line.
Darlilng, I know it hurts, to feel so devalued, so (in my case at least) so needy for a loving relationship that I wanted so bad. Someone to grow old with, to laugh with, to have fun with, who enjoyed my sons and me, and our life together.
We could have had it all! Yet the only thing I would have had to give us is: MY SELF RESPECT, MY REALITY (and pretend he wassn’t lying and sleeping with others when I knew he was) to let him devalue me, to treat me with disrespect, to put me down all the time….I couldn’t live with that. I realized I couldn’t live with that and I gave up my own fantasy of our “perfect” relationship, because that is all it was.
I think about it like opening a present.
If you EXPECT a present to contain a certain thing, and you open the box and it isn’t THAT THING you are disappointed. It isn’t that what is in the box isn’t nice, it just isn’t what you EXPECTED. So you are disappointed.
You held a wrapped box and thought it held the Hope Diamond, when instead it held a pile of cat crap. Yea, cat crap isn’t nice, and yo usure wish it really was the Hope Diamond. But you only have two choices, tie the cat crap to your hand and pretend it is the Hope Diamond, or throw it out the back door. This man just wants a FREE Fvch and he wants you to provide it WITHOUT ANY EXPECTATIONS OTHER THAN THAT.
Is that what you want to be? A sex toy? I don’t think so. You want what ANY normal woman would want, a RELATIONSHIP. to them sex is just warm body mastrubation, to US it is a bonding ritual with people we love—not the same thing. YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THAT!
HE IS NOTHING! YOU DESERVE BETTER! EVEN NOTHING IS BETTER THAN HE IS. ((((Hugs)))) and my prayers fo ryour healing and your peace, Sara Love Oxy
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witsend says:
Sarasims,
You are not stupid Sara….Please don’t say that about yourself. Your intellectual side knows that he isn’t any good for you…..So it isn’t about being smart.
It is the addictive part of the relationship that lures you back.
Have you read no contact begins in my head lately? I think it is one of those articles here on LF that deserves to be read over and over when you are doubting yourself.
It really might help you also if you convince yourself that he is like a drug for you.
Admit (to yourself) that you are powerless over him. And then it will be easier to see that even one little phone call, one little text, one email (whatever way he contacts you) is like one little beer for the alcoholic.
You can do this Sara….
xoxox
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Sarasims says:
Thanks for your encouragement guys! It played out just like I had hoped except for the last step. I screwed up!
He was actually talking to me. He was listening and communicating. We had this perfect relationship (or so I thought) until it went to hell when he started seeing this OW. When he came back this time he convinced me that she had tricked him into believing horrible things about me. Told me how much he loved me, then threw a curve by saying how he only wanted me to f**k me. I just couldn’t understand. This man loved me soooo very much in the beginning. Keeps coming back. I thought surely he must love me but just be afraid of committing. Afraid of getting “too” involved. I kept him at bay and “felt” it out. I stood in front of my mirror and looked at myself….having every opportunity to make the right decision. Set my boundaries and say NO – if you are only back to have me be your whore I WONT do it!!! This time he even told me “no strings”. But I thought, if I can only see him, he will realize there is still so much there. But the day came and I made the very WRONG decision. Today, he told me his family is his priority and to leave him the hell alone. He doesn’t want to talk to me or see me. And what you guys don’t know is that he is really a THUG (whom I happened to love) and I am a respectable member of the community. And he makes me feel like some loser! Some crazed stalker. Bc after he does this to me….he totally ignores me. Ignores my text msgs despite the fact that I beg him to just answer…..with any response. Just so I know what he’s thinking. How can I continue to make the wrong decision OVER and OVER again! When will I get tired of the abuse?
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OxDrover says:
Dear (((sara))))
You will make the right decision when YOU DECIDE YOU WILL. No one can make that decision for you, no one can act for you.
Witty is right, it is like a DRUG, you need, I think to get the book, The Betrayal Bond. It is a very good book and points out the whys and hows of our emotionally bonding (getting addicted to) the very person who abuses us.
Take it one day at a time. One minute at a time. make a committment not to text him without coming here first, and blogging and waiting for a response from one of the bloggers BEFORE you do it. We will be your “sponsors” in PA—you just stand up and say, “Hello, my name is sarasims and I am addicted to a psychopath” and we say “Hello, Sarasimms, welcome”
Every time you contact him or respond, he “wins” and demeans you.
Sara, it is only you that can take control of your life. When you are ready, you WILL. (((hugs)))) and God bless you Sara.
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Sarasims says:
Dearest Oxy,
I have nothing left. I’ve written it for so long that I understand, that I know, that I get it. But now I FEEL it in my body and I have nothing left to fight the fight. I went to bed last night and wanted to just take a handful of pills and never wake up. But I’d never do that bc of my children. It’s just the feeling of being at the end of my rope. It hurts so very badly. Bc everytime he’s done this to me I want to get even to yell and scream at him but he disappears and doesn’t give me the chance. I write a HORRIBLE email to him and I did again yesterday but I don’t think he ever even reads them. I want to hurt him in some way but I know that none of that even bothers him. He just shuts it out and laughs like I am the crazy one. I know bc thats what he does to other people. There are no cards left to play, nothing left to do.
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banana says:
Sara,
It’s the betrayal bond.
You are still having a LOT of contact with him.
You think you can do it the way they do it, have contact and act like you don’t care.
My S/P came back long after his papers were served and I was a frequent-flyer here are LF. I knew every word out of his mouth was a lie. At this point he had played the game your’s is playing four times, and ended up sleeping with OW in my house as my son napped!!!!!
He even tried one more time after he was served, beggoing me. I didn’t let him in…I couldn’t LITERALLY. I lived with a friend. She would not let me do it.
As soon as I got my own place was when he started again.
I told everyone here. I was enjoying us being friends and seeing how my son lit-up in the presence of both of us at once for the first time in three months. I wanted it to last…the friendship.
That was not what the S/P wanted. He wanted to manipulate me to accepting lower Child support and better visitation and YES SEX.
I didn’t forgive myself for that for months!!!!
I knew he was a S/P, but I kept thinking like one of the article here tells you not to, “When Nature Becomes Nurture.”
I said to Oxy, “What is he’s not a S/P.”
It doesn’t matter!!!
HE IS A DISORDERED INDIVIDUAL WHO IS BAD FOR ANYONE TO COME IN CONTACT WITH.
HE HURTS EVERYONE!!!! YOURS IS HURTING 3 WOMAN. MAybe more. He doesn’t care.
YOU HAVE TO LOOK AT THE POINT.
The POINT is he is damaging you in many ways…look he’s taking away your joy of living!!!!
Break away!!! You can do it.
You will do it hopefully before your have no worth or value in your own eyes.
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banana says:
Oh. MAATTTT!More BAD news.
Copied from above
From my attorney:
“The papers were filed and signed by the “on duty” judge. He did not award any immediate relief because he did not believe that there was a threat to you of physical harm. (Remember I had indicated to you that to get an order of protection, the Judge looks for physical abuse….) There is a hearing scheduled for Tuesday, November 24, at 10:30. You must be there at that time.
A warning that your bill next month is going to be high due to the work on the papers that were just filed, (which was roughly 24 hours).”
I am wasting my money and time.
You guys know how abusive these S/Ps can be.
ANY ADVICE before Tuesday Eastern time would be great.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Sara,
As long as you keep contacting him, or responding to his contacts, you will lbe in this lower level of HELL.
I think the thing that is frustrating you the most is that YOU CANNOT HURT HIM.
That is true. YOU CANNOT HURT HIM, BECAUSE HE DOES NOT LOVE OR CARE ABOUT YOU.
The ability to hurt someone is = to the amount that they love you.
You love him so HE CAN AND DOES AND WILL CONTINUE TO HURT YOU.
He DOES NOT love you, so he ENOYS HURTING YOU, BUT KNOWS HE IS IMMUNE FROM BEING HURT.
He has the best of two world, and you have the WORST of the two world.
The ONLY way you can get out of pain is to stop PUTTING YOUR HAND IN THE FIRE.
Until YOU take responsibility for your ACTIONS you will continue to hurt.
Your ACTIONS are keeping in contact with him. Right now you may not be able to “control” your emotions (that will come later after NC) but you CAN control your ACTIONS.
Like Witty said if this was alcoholism, it would be taking another drink—contact is like taking that drink, and then crying because you got drunk and got hurt—DON’T TAKE THE DRINK. NO MATTER HOW BADLY YOU FEEL YOU WANT TO, it will RUIN your life. YOUR CHOICE.\
ABSTAIN FROM THE ADDICTION, and get better.
KEEP ON IN CONTACT= stay right where you are, in pain and depression.
Thiose are your only choices, Sara. I can’t say it any plainer than that.
TAKE YOUR hand out of the fire and the burn will eventually heal, but as long as you keep sticking it back in the fire and burning it some more, it will never heal and the wounds will only be WORSE.
I’m sorry you feel so down, but FEELING down and ACTING down are too different things. TAKE CONTROL OF YOURSELF, Sara, take back the control you gave him to demean and devalue and to use you. IT IS TOTALLY IN YOUR POWER.
I can cheer you on, I can give you logic, but I cannnot solve your problems with yuour emotions, and it takes TIME to do so, but that time doesn’t start until YOU START TAKING ACTION. ((((Hugs)))))
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Sarasims says:
Oxy and Banana,
Yes, I recently bought the Betrayal Bond and started reading it. Only the beginning bc the more he talked to me and opened up (like I had wanted him to for so long), like Banana, I thought “What if it’s not him? What if he’s not an SP and something is wrong with me??” I started rationalizing all of his excuses and they seemed to make sense. It’s all a blur now but I kept thinking – it will be ok. But like ErinB once said, “every time is worse than the time before.” Every time he comes around, he says the right things to get in the door – then he totally changes his tune. Now he tells me…..”the sex is great but it’s not worth the craziness”. He wants no strings attached…..just sex…..no emotions.
He just called and started yelling at me for getting angry bc I “expected” him to text yesterday. Is that irrational to expect to hear from him if we are in an intimate relationship?? Well, anyway I let him have it. I told him that he was a Sociopath! I told him that he was a worthless piece of shit and he thought he could pick me up and play with me like a toy whenenver he wanted to – but that wasn’t going to happen. And that if he ever contacted me again I would file harrassment charges against him and tell all of his friends what he was doing. It won’t hurt him…..but it sure the hell made me feel better. Oxy – mayb that’s what I needed.?
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Sarasims says:
Oh and my favorite part was when I told him that my hope is that one day he is rotting away in some prison cell! It was all very liberating. I have NEVER been hateful or mean to him. Never yelled at him or said anything that indicated I WAS ENDING the relationship for good. Bc I always held out some crazy hope that he would change. I see that will never happen and it felt so good to be the one to say those words. TAKE CONTROL of the conversation instead of listening to him yell at me…..me YELL at him and then say “and you aren’t hanging up on me bc I’m hanging up on you….I HATE U!”….click!
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OxDrover says:
Dear Sara,
It sounds like you are getting ANGRY (finally) rather than hurt about all the things he has done and the disrespectful way he has treated you.!!! YOU GO GF!!!!! Listen to that anger, that anger will make you start to TAKE ACTION, TAKE YOUR POWER BACK.
NOW—you have “told him off” to never call you, to never text you, to not contact you. SO NOW STICK TO IT.
When the desire comes to tell him off again, SIT DOWN IN A CHAIR, AND PUT AN EMPTY CHAIR FACING YOU, and sit in one chair and yell at the other, like he is in it. Tell lhim everything you wanted to say to him. It will be just or more effective than saying it to his face (or in a text or on the phone) but cause his head is just as empty as that CHAIR across from you. He could hear the sounds your mouth made, but you might as well be speaking GREEEK for all the “understanding” he would have. The chair at least won’t talk back. LOL
A blogger who was on here a lot at the beginning of this site, Alohatraveler, and I were blogging once and we talked about how w3e would drive down the road, alone in our cars, and YELL at the Ps like they were in the cars with us. It got to be a joke about how other drivers must have thoguht we were CRAZY driving down the road beating on the stearing wheel and yelling and crying at the same time. Actually I don’t think going down the road that way is a safe way to drive, so I think the chair is better.
We get all tehse pent up angers, these pent up frustrations, these feelings and we have to vent them some where. But we also CAN EXERCISE control over our emotions as well.
If you are say, driving in a hurry to get some wehre and you are on a curving mountain road with NO where to pass, and there is some very slow old man in front of you doing 30 and there is no way to get around him. What are your choices?
You can sit there in your car doing 30 behind him and curse at the old man for going so slow and incoveniencing you because now you will be late and get angry, frustrated, and upset.
OR
You can say to yourself, there’s no way around this man, I will be late, but I can’t avoid it. NO sense in stewing over this thing I can’t change or fix, so I’ll just sit back and enjoy the scenery. Now you are calm and feeling well.
You CAN make those decisions on controlling your feelings. Feelings are NOT jsut from external sources. We can pick and choose what we feel in any situation, or change the feelings if they are not productive. It takes committment and work, but we can do it. It is what will FINALLY AND COMPLETELY set us FREE of the control of the psychopaths and the external lenvironment. Hang on, you have made a GREAT START!! TOWANDA!!!! (((hugs))))
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Sarasims says:
BTW…someone here once told me that he would do the other woman just like he did me and then there would be more and more to follow. Well, guess what. The other day when we were together he was trying to prove to me that he was no longer with the OW so he let me listen to this 5 min message she left on his voicemail. I asked him why he saved it and he said he might need it someday as evidence. Well, the point that they were no longer together was neither here nor there but the words she said sank to my very soul. Why? Bc they are the VERY SAME words I’ve said to him. How can you say you love me then do this to me? Why won’t you answer my texts or my calls? Why….why….why? But it was like listening to a recording of myself. God, how can these people really exist?
But the important thing I took away from that was that he REALLY does do the EXACT same thing to each and every one of us. For her, she was giving him money. And then he would go MIA…..for me, it was sex. And he tells all of us he loves us and cares, yada, yada, yada. But I feel like it was a good thing. Even though I had to go through the pain to get it – I learned a very valuable lesson by listening to that message. It was like a light at the end of the tunnel, saying, “see, they told you it would happen, you knew in your heart it would happen bc you know what he is, but bam here is your proof in the sound of her words on the other end of that line…begging him the way you have…..to no avail.” BC he doesn’t care about any of us.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Sara,
I am glad that if you had to endure the pain of contact one more time, at least you did get a TAKE HOME LESSON.
That take home lesson may be the thing that turns you around.
He WILL treat them all the same way he treated you. He is after something with each one of you—may not be the same thing from each of you, but it is something FOR HIM and he does not care how the woman suffers to get it for him.
I’m glad you are on the path to healing now, Sara, sometimes it takes falling off the wagon a few times before we get it, so don’t beat yourself up for not getting it sooner, just pick yourself up, brush yourself off, hold our hands here, and let us all journey in the same direction—toward HEALING. We can support and encourage each other when we fall, and that is what LF is all about, but you have to walk or crawl along the road for youself. Some days you may stumble into a pit of emotions, other days skipp ahead for miles, but NEVER NEVER LISTEN TO THE SIREN SONG OF THE P telling you to come to them, because they will pull you off the road into the swamp of pain and despair. Listen to the support and “prophecy” you get here. READ and learn from ALL the archived articles. The articles about them, about us, and about healing. Memorize and take to heart all the good advice in those articles. It is FOOD for your starving soul! IT WILL MAKE YOU STRONG!!! ((((HUGS))))
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Sarasims says:
LOL Oxy! I read your post after I hit submit on mine. Our connection here is a bit slow so it doesn’t update often. Yes, I’m feeling better already. The puzzle pieces start to fit everytime…..and everytime they do, the get jumbled up when he returns for another blow at me. But each time I learn more and more about him and see his much uglier side, even though he tries to hide it. The side that he showed me in the beginning is gone….bc it never existed. He can’t keep up living a lie….bc he was never really that way. It was just a show. And every time I see that more and more.
What has shook me to the core, is that each time he comes and goes, he ALWAYS has gotten the last word. He would tell me I live in a fantasy world, that we cannot ever be together the way I want to be with him. Primarily bc he is always shuffling through women and then trying to save his failed marriage. And then he would disappear and not respond to my calls or my text. Making me crazier and crazier. It hurts when you give and then someone acts like you don’t even exist. But he’s the joke! And FINALLY – today – I got the last word!!!!!! Oxy……I did it!!!! I got the last word and it felt GOOD! It felt good to say to him what I thought of him and tell him that HE is the crazy one….not me!!!! To throw in his face the things he does that are outrageous and not even sane! I FINALLY got to say those things – I yelled at him and said them and hung up on him and it felt GREAT!
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amber says:
Sara..I understand where you’re coming from. I too, never had the nerve or desire to be hurtful or mean to him. But this man brought it out of me. And it was so powerful for me to finally have control of my destiny and stand up for myslef.
“I have NEVER been hateful or mean to him. Never yelled at him or said anything that indicated I WAS ENDING the relationship for good. Bc I always held out some crazy hope that he would change. I see that will never happen and it felt so good to be the one to say those words.”
You’ve taken a page out of my book! I relate 100%. And the last night I saw him and was able to FINALLY stand up for myself…I literally coulnd’t control the words coming out of my mouth anymore. I was SOOOO ANGRY and everything that I had held onto for 4 years…the hurt, the anger, the sadness, all came spewing out at once. I think I knew it was FINALLY OVER for good. There was no reason for me to hold everything in anymore. And I wish I could have had a video camera for the look and reaction on his face when I said some of the things I said to him. Remember now, I had never had one mean or resentful thing to say to the man, and some of my last words were, “If you’re laying on your deathbed, don’t call me, because I won’t care.” “If one of your children dies, don’t call me because I won’t care.” “You don’t deserve the air you breathe and the day you die is the day I will sleep with peace because you will no longer have the capability to HURT anymore.” There were some other choice words too. But he just stood there, with his jaw hanging down in disbelief. He cried and cried. (I doubt any of the tears were sincere.)
So remember how powerful you felt in that moment and never look back. It’s your turn to be happy and healthy. The longer you stay in contact, Ox and EB are right, the farther into the depths of hell he will take you, the more soul he will drain from you, it will not get better. It will get easier with time. Just don’t allow him to come back. You have the power to stop your pain and suffering. If he can clearly tell you that all he wants is sex, with no strings attatched, don’t give him the satisfaction. Ox is right when she says we’re addicted to them. I heard a song on the radio the other day by Rihanna and it’s about a relationship with a bad man and she’s addicted to him so she has to check into “rehab.” The song really hit a nerve with me and since your story is so similar to mine, maybe you’ll like it too. I looked up the lyrics and thought I’d share them with you.
http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyri.....rehab.html
Hope you continue to feel your power and your worth and stay true to yourself. He is not worth your happiness anymore. HUGS!
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amber says:
Sara…where are you from?!?! if you don’t mind me asking. Seriously, your story of your ex is like deja vu for me. It sounds like we dated the same man. Failed marriage…lots of women…whole life if a total act….disappearing acts….if you’re from southern CA…lol…I swear we dated the same man!! HAHAHA!!
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OxDrover says:
Dear Sara,
GOOD FOR YOU! Now don’t ever give him another opportunity to “get the last word.” when he calls, don’t answer, (or change yours or block his number, do NOT read any texts, delete without listening to voice mails. BLOCK HIM COMPLETELY and I guarentee that he will go bonkers, because YOU HAVE TAKEN BACK YOUR POWER, YOUR CONTROL. HE cannot control you if you will not listen and respond. He WANTS that last word, believe me he does. HE has set all the “conditions” fo ryour relationship with him.
The lasts ones are literally laughable. He wants SEX with you whenever he wants it, he doesn’t want to communicate with you unless HE wants to. He will “never committ” to you (he said adn I believe him) and basic bottom line is, YOU ARE ONLY IMPORTANT TO ME FOR ANIMAL SEX. Wow, doesn’t that make you feel VALUABLE and LOVED? NOT!!!!!
He wants the same kind of sex with you that he would have with a whore, only HE WANTS IT ON DEMAND AND FREE. At least a whore gets PAID and doesn’t expect more than the pay. At least the John realizes he has to give SOMETHING for teh sex, at least money! so a whore and a john are each getting a fair bargain. he gets what he wants and she gets money. Fair trade. Your X is wanting SOMETHING FOR NOTHING! SCREW THAT!!!!
I am proud of you Sara!!! YOU GO GF!!! TOWANDA!!!!
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Sarasims says:
Amber – thanks for sharing!!! It’s so crazy….we don’t say those mean words to them bc we don’t want to burn the bridge. Everything we say is in an attempt to make things better – to do the right thing for them, for us. Don’t rock the boat. He’s told me more than once to leave him the f**k alone and don’t ever call or text him again. And when I do just that, 2 months later the crazy SOB is calling me again. It’s just insane! But those words are so liberating and today I knew was the time to do it!!! When he called I had my one chance that I may never get again. And IF he ever calls again, I will follow through on my promise. I will go to the police and file harassment charges!! By saying the things I said today, I made a choice to close that door forever. I will tell myself and follow that path. I will not ever again open that door and let him treat me like shit!
Hugs and love to all of you for your support. I know you very well KNOW how much it means!!!
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Sarasims says:
Hey Amber – no from Texas. But they are all the same. Right?? He’s such a thug I swear. Honestly I can’t even believe I fell for him. I’m not trying to sound like a snob but our social classes are not the same. Guess I fell for the bad boy image but it was much worse than just an image! On top of that he was CRAZY!
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amber says:
Sara…good for you! You sound like you’re on the right path. I was in the same boat. Always wanted to smooth things over. Didn’t want to burn the bridge. But for what??? Why did I think I needed this man?? He’s the one that needed me in reality. He needed to use me to feel better about himself. And I’ll no longer allow him to have that power. So good for you for making a stand as I did. Close that door forever and never look back. And I know I feel hard for that bad boy image too…and when I got to see the softer side (or the act) I ate it up. Uggghhhh…well at least we know what to watch out for now. And we’re FREE of their insanity and delussional world. Yay for us!!
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Sarasims says:
Oxy – Funny you should say that. Bc when I was telling him off – just for laughs I also told him…..”you say “the sex is great” F**K YOU! to me it’s not great at all!”
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Sarasims says:
Now….it will be a good 2 months before he will even have the balls to call me again. That’s the pattern. He’s mean and hateful then when I leave him alone for about 2 months, he comes crawling back. Either way, I would love for my control to drive him bonkers!
But he may not come back this time. He may take serious my threat to go to the police and that’s the last thing he wants bc he’s had enuf run ins with them. But if he does…..I swear I will do it! He has taken advantage of women long enough and just let him try to do it to me again!!! Either way, my acceptance of the end is refreshing – today anyway. I don’t think I can ever look at him the same again.
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Sarasims says:
OMG Amber…..yes, you are exactly right. They are all bad boy and then show you this really soft sensitive side that you fall for big time. They are kinda like the venus fly trap!
All an act of course….which they can never re-create. I realized over time that he was changing. In our year + relationship, only 4-6 months was actually fulfilling. Then the act slowly started to wear off and I was clinging to the hope of getting back what we had. When in reality he was already seeing the OW on the side. What a joke!! I see now that the part of him and “us” that I really want, was soooo short lived. It barely even existed but lived on in my mind. It was all an illusion that kept sucking me in over and over again!
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amber says:
Sara…LOL! I can’t believe how similar our situations are. Mine too, can only go about two months before he’s crawling back. But I hope that this time he won’t. I said things that he had never heard me say before, so I’m hoping I got the message across. And be glad yours was only a year plus. Mine was 4 years of the ups and downs. And same thing..I clinged to the few and far between good times, hoping that when he came back, it was for REAL each time. IT was weird. Every time he came back I thought…this is it!!! He’s changed and we’re gonna make it. Then WHAM! Something would set him off and I wouldn’t hear from him for weeks, months. And each time those times apart were worse and worse. After 4 years, the patters were so expected that I became numb. So I’m hoping that this time the pattern has been broken. I made it very clear that I was DONE this time. That was the biggest difference. Each time before, HE was the one to disappear, had the control. But I threw him out of my house last time and told him for the first time I WAS DONE. Looking back, the bad soooo outweighed the good. I was only holding on to those few “illusions” of him that I loved so dearly. But I’m out of the fog and the biggest difference now is knowing that I was in love with the “ILLUSION” not him.
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Sarasims says:
Amber – yes! You are so right. Bc each time he came back, I could see a new side of him that I had never seen before. A new and evil side. He had forgotten the person that he pretended to be in the beginning and expected me to take any shit he dealt. He would give me little bonuses, like letting me listen to the vmail. Just to keep me hanging. And to him, it is very important that I believe he is no longer with this ow. Just to keep me hanging. He wants me….but wants me “his” way only. NO WAY! I’m no cheap whore…..and I will establish those boundaries time and time again.
When we first began, an old gf of his called me bc they shared a cell phone line. She saw my number and wanted to know who I was. Then she called me and ranted and raved about how she had been dealing with his shit for 7 YEARS!!! I never understood what she meant. But now I do. He comes and goes and does the same thing to ALL of us!
I still can’t believe this happened to me but you and Oxy and Banana and all the others are such great inspiration. And today felt so good. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I guess one day at a time….
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amber says:
Sara..that’s all you can do, is take it one day at a time. I promise some days are going to SUCK! I cried all day yesterday, playing conversations in my head, thinking about things that I miss. But those are just moments. I grieve and move on. Because I catch myself in those moments thinking, he’s not worth my tears anymore. He’s taken enough. Snap out of it, hold your head high and move on. Sometimes it literally takes me saying things like that out loud for me to feel better. And this place has brought me so much inspiration and empowerment too. So just think about how good today felt and keep replaying that in your head and I pormise it will give you the strength to move on. You can do it. If you were able to put up with him, you can do anything!! That’s how I see it. I survived. I get a second chance. That’s the difference between them and us. They’re stuck. Rotting, becoming more dellusional, in this viscous cycle. They don’t get a second chance. This is it for them…their enternity. So brush yourself off and rejoice that YOU CAN move on. You’re still human. They are not.
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