Regrets—we all have them
PDF By Ox Drover
“The Road Not Taken” is always out there beckoning to us. I should, I could … Why did I do that? Why didn’t I do that? Regrets!
Having been involved with a psychopath, and reeling from the devastation in the wake of the relationship, leads us to ask ourselves what might have happened if we had made other choices.
I question myself—if I had chosen differently, would the relationship have been a success? If I had dated John or Frank instead of the psychopath, would I now be happily married in a solid relationship? If I had just done things differently, like I started to, would it have been better? If I had just gotten out of the relationship sooner, or later, would I now be better off?
With our regrets, we beat ourselves up for being so stupid to put up with the abuse. We saw the red flags of suspicion early on, felt the sting and pain of his words, his disrespect, yet, now we regret not paying attention to ourselves back then. How much better our lives would have been if we had only listened to our own intuition, to the things we really knew, really saw, but brushed aside, thought we could fix.
We searched for the words, the perfect words, to explain to him how he was hurting us. Why couldn’t we find those perfect words, the ones we were so sure would make him treat us better?
Regret is normal
Regret in the past choices we have made in life: Go to work and get married, or go to college and get an education. Have children, or wait. According to those who study regrets, having regrets as we mature is a normal, natural and a universal human emotion. Neal Roese, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Illinois says, “Regret is a very complicated emotion that involves all these things (pain and fear) coming together—it’s raw feeling plus all the complicated imaginings of future possibility.”
Another psychology professor, Carsten Wrosch, Ph. D., at Concordia University in Montreal, has linked regrets to many physical and social problems, which include sleeping problems, headaches, migraines, panic disorder and even skin conditions.
Henry David Thoreau said, “To regret deeply is to live afresh.”
Letting go
If we continually dwell on our past mistakes and missed opportunities, this consumes our ability to live and enjoy the present. Letting go of regrets though, is not a one-time event; it is a process of disentangling ourselves from them.
One of the ways suggested to start to let go of our regrets over past decisions is to consider it final. I find that when I have a decision to make, once I finally decide that decision is final, anxiety about making that decision seems to go away. Looking at that decision later, whether it turned out to be good or bad, I am more able to accept it.
People who study regrets and decision making also note that if we can “fix” a past mistake or correct it, our regrets tend to hang on longer and be stronger, but if we accept the fact that we made a bad decision that can’t be fixed, we tend to let go of it more easily.
Having regrets for past decisions, and especially regrets related to our relationship with the psychopath(s) in our lives, is normal and natural. As long as we hang on to those regrets and try to second guess ourselves, though, it impedes our healing and moving on.
Letting go of those regrets, the self-recrimination for our part in the relationship, for not finding the perfect solution, for not leaving sooner, or any of a thousand other choices we made, will be an ongoing process. But it will lead us, if we let it, to using those choices to make a better life for ourselves now and in the future.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
justabouthealed says:
Good for you Sara. Write down what you said to him and reread it if you ever feel tempted to call him again. Remember your feelings. Stick to your guns. You deserve the best, not the worst! You know, these guys are all the same…they keep managing expectations down, down, down….until finally the truth comes out. They want sex, whenever they want it, and how they want it, and they want no other contact whatsoever, and they want it from someone who will adore them for that, and expect nothing in return.
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Delluca says:
Its a particularly bad day today…crying constantly and replaying things over and over in my head. I’m really starting to think that I’m the S and not him. He’s doing NC with me. In his last text he told me I could have him in my life on his terms or nothing at all, and i was prepared to accept his terms but now he’s treating me like i dont even exist. Why cant I just snap out of this? When I look back over everything that he ever said to me, I can see that these things were not things that normal people say to other people. I can also see that my responses to him were not normal either (its hard to accept that those pathetic begging words actually came from me) The lines are really blurred for me at this point, and the fact that he continues to function seamlessly in his everyday life and I cannot do the same makes me think that I’m the S. I guess logically speaking I’m not because a real S would never even question something like this?
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OxDrover says:
Dear Delluca,
They hook us in, bond us to them, it is a chemical brain process like an addiction. Just like an addict will “beg” for a fix, we are willing to beg them to love us.
You ARE RESPONDING NORMALLY to an abnormal situation. You wouldn’t be normal if you weren’t. You are NOT an S, you are just responding to being devalued and discarded like a used piece of Kleenex.
Take heart though, if he leaves you, at least you don’t have to worry about staying NC–I am going to bet though, about the time you get your feet under you, he will be back…they are like bad pennies they keep turning up again.
Stay here and read and read and learn—learn about them and about yourself. Knowledge is power, take back your power, and if and when he returns, you can look at him with disgust, and FEEL that disgust. You do not deserve to be treated with disrespect. (((hugs))) I’m glad you are at LF, it is a healing place. God bless.
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heavenbound says:
Delluca,
I’m so sorry to hear that today is a bad day for you. I sometimes think that way, but in the end we know. P/s don’t think there is anything wrong with their ways.
The p I was with, when he first left, well actually he still thinks he is the reason for nc. He went right on with his life and me and my boys are still cleaning up the mess…he is going smoothly from one point to another and it does hurt but that’s because we are not p or s.
I can’t believe the pathetic begging words I said either, I think what hurts about it is that we did put ourselves out there for the sake of ‘love’ or whatever and they really didn’t care, it’s humiliating. With the right person though it won’t be humiliating, it will be a great attribute to be able to not value ourselves over the top and ruin other people. However after the p or s, we do have to start valuing ourselves a little more than we did with them or once they were done with us.
Oxy is right I believe, you are reacting normally to an abnormal situation. Hang in there, you can do this!
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kim frederick says:
Delluca, I’m with Oxy. Willing to bet he’ll be back if he thinks you’ve wised up. Take this time to get as strong as you can.
Read, read, read. Talk it out, here. I don’t know how religious you are, but it doesn’t hurt to say your prayers. Ask for help and guidance.
Stop kicking yourself and turn that around. Try to understand and love you. Work on this, as if your life depended on it. If you do this, you have a far better chance of surviving his re-emergence in your life. Root word: emerge ie, emergency.
I believe the chances are very good that he will rear his ugly head……Be prepared.
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banana says:
MATT…still looking for MATT.
Amber and Sara,
I too see similarities between my S/P and yours’. But I live in NY and mine does not disappear. (I WISH)
Crazy how they act alike.
I too am well-educated with a masters degree and 8 years younger. He barely graduated from HS. He wasn’t a bad boy when I met him, but I fell into that ROMEO and JULIET romance.
I have never been materialistic, just wanted a simple life, and I have learned to work with a budget and live within my means.
Scary. I read that they size you up within hours of talking to you and begin to assimilate and become your “match”. We had NOTHING in common, but he displayed features of someone who meshed with my personality, goofy, spontaneous, active, adventurous.
Just like Juliet’s parents, mine were not fooled. They tried to stop me from marrying him.
Now he has assimilated himself with her, a 25 year old with her own house, two cars, four wheelers, tractors… who has bought him a Mercedes, and herself a 3 karat engagement ring (he can’t afford it). She and I have NOTHING in common.
Sara I too awoke from my FOG this last time he tried to get me back and slept with me, she he played a voicemail from her. He has been MIA for over 8 hours (at my apt), not answering her texts or calls. Sadly she is kissing his Arse. eg: “where are you babe, I hope everything is okay.”
Then I realized I was the OW. the next day I gave him MY two cents.
LOL
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Sarasims says:
Delluca, read a few posts up and you will see that I am in your very same shoes. I have questioned my own sanity time and time again and thought I was the SP. But I’m not and you aren’t either. The SP did me just the same as yours is doing you. He would go NC with me, treating me as if I was some crazy insane person. Every time he would come back, he would start by telling my how HE LOVED ME. How he was SO SORRY! He had been so wrong. At first I would give him the cold shoulder and he would beg me not to do him that way. Then I would give in and he would set the terms as to how he wanted our relationship….basically sex with no obligations to me. He would call me when HE wanted to and I was expected to accept that. Each time I tried to make him understand how much I loved him and cared for him and how I would never judge him. How I would forgive him for everything and we could start clean. I thought my love would be enough to “win” his heart as it did in the beginning. But each time they come and go they are grooming us to expect less from them, as they take more from us.
I would come here and write and people here would say “don’t worry, he’ll be back” and I actually clung to those words in the hopes that he would be….just for one more chance to make things right. After this last time, finally, I am not beating myself up. I held him at bay long enough to get what I needed to understand exactly how he is. I did give in and had sex with him BUT I felt nothing. Bc I knew what he was doing. It wasn’t as in the beginning when I loved him so much. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt, but I’m beginning to see what everyone here has been saying all along and this time I FINALLY had the nerve to say it in words to his face that I never want to hear from him again. I don’t know if he will be back again but if he does, I will make good on my promise to go to the police.
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Sarasims says:
Hey Banana, OMG yes….that is a scary thought, but I believe they do that very thing by sizing us up. I too, am educated with a Bachelors degree, good job, good community reputation and he is (like I said) a thug loser. Barely a hs education and at the time, no job and doesn’t even care. He was whoring himself out to the ow who was giving him money. Every time he comes back I tell him, I don’t even know you anymore. Well, the truth of the matter is he was NEVER the other person and he can’t keep up that act. He can’t be someone he is not. Everytime he comes to me I am the same person, tell him the same things, bc that is me….a REAL person. And the person I see in him now, is the REAL him. And I have finally realized that person is mean, hateful and selfish and I would never have fallen for him if this is what he showed me in the beginning….the REAL him.
And you know what, other people knew it. But I didn’t. So just like your parents, other people around me saw the truth that I didn’t.
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Spirit40 says:
Hi all… I keep reading about this “fog” sometimes I feel like I space out because I just can not understand how I got here..is that what the “fog” is …how do we explain this to other people who do not get what we have been through?? is it like PTSD I just wish I had the receipt for my life so I could go in and get an exchange… maybe I do not need one ….I have had no contact for over a week..Its a struggle daily…I am the one that is stuck holding the bag… having to pack and move, that is good and stressful at the same time…
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OxDrover says:
Dear Spirit,
Packing and moving out of there will GIVE YOU YOUR LIFE BACK—and NC is the way to go. Glad that you are working hard on maintaining NC and it will be a struggle for a while, it will be hour to hour sometimes, but YOU CAN DO IT! Going back or contact puts you back to SQUARE ONE on the pain scale, so whatever pain you are feeling maintaining NC realize it will be WORSE if you break NC.
NC puts YOU in the driver’s seat, puts you making decisions and controlling the situation. NC keeps them from being able to hurt you, give you new insults or tell you new lies.
Keep reading and blogging here, we are here for you, and we do GET IT…we understand the pain and the emotions that go along with it, but STAY ON THE ROAD TO HEALING! We are with you!!!!
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Spirit40 says:
Thanks Oxy! I appreciate all the support more than you know !!!! I am happy to be moving on ….thank you for letting me vent here all ! I am the only person now that is allowed to insult me is me… hmmm I actually have been telling myself I look better with my nice little short bob haircut !!!! for once its what I want to do! how I want to look …. I am going to write my term paper on sociopaths, its due in two weeks and I think it will be therapy for me….its a short paper 7 pages…its just hard with the move and all …but I am acutally not doing as bad as I thought… kicking myself for not even remember the passing of my mothers anniversary, (day after I kicked him out) with a little push they need attention he made a fool of himself in front of the officers… who actually lectured me wutever… any how driving back from my mums wake, he tried to run us off the road that night .. after all he dosent get drunk off 100 proof vodka… a 16 hour ride home I was bug eyed the whole way home…couldnt believe I needed support not this ???
Thanks again Oxy and everyone… hugs !
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OxDrover says:
Dear Spirit, Keep on moving on, GF! You didn’t lose anything important! What a jerk! (((hugs)))) ps. tell us what grade you get on the paper!
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skylar says:
Spirit, hey that’s so cool that you’re writing about S’s on your term paper. Can’t wait to hear about the teacher’s reaction and the grade.
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Delluca says:
thank you everyone for your wise words. My S and I see each other everyday because we work together. He sees my devastation everyday and I’m sure this feeds him even more. He has never really gone away for me so in a sense he is always present for me. NC consists in him not speaking to me, not emailing me or texting me even though we sit literally two metres apart for 10 hours a day. I feel like I’ve been silenced into non-existence. Even when he broke up with me, he never actually spoke to me…it was all done via text and email. It is truly a bizarre situation that I find myself in. I havent been able to access the power that some of you have claimed back by being able to verbalise your hurt and anger to your S. He has never allowed me to speak to him and even though I tried to express myself through the only avenues I had, text and email just dont convey the emotions that I’m feeling. I sometimes envy those of you who get to confront your S in person or over the phone if only because you get to use your most powerful tool…your voice. Thank you eveyone for letting me vent and hurt here. Everything about the way he ended us was so cold and clinical. Its like he has robbed me of my status of being a human being. I’m real and have feelings but to him I was just words on a screen.
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Spirit40 says:
Well I studied and got an 80% on the midterm, abnormal psych… I just think its so bizarre that all this happened as I am going through it… its a learning experience. Even with that analysis and other crappy grade on my dev. psych midterm I still should be in the same range…I am happy with a B, I know I can do better but I will let you all know about the paper I am sure it needs to be a literature review/analysis paper and not a story of my life so it should be interesting. I already told the professor what I am going through personally because I was so embarassed about my grade… he just winked at me the last class I guess I took that as he understood??? I hate assuming in general but.. either that or he thinks I am a wierdo LOL ….
delluca: I am sorry that you have to go through that, have you thought about writing a “dear john” letter and not giving it to him maybe you will feel better…changing jobs?
none of us need cold people in our lives… mine would always say their are no victims only volunteers I said well I aint Volunteering for this crap anymore…. he would always act like the victim.. Grown men acting like children, I beleive in his case its an emotional attachment issue and he was left unable to bond as an infant due to be put up for adoption..lack of touch etc…anyway that is my theory. Its actually sad…
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Delluca says:
Spirit
I’ve tried writing the dear john letter and it didnt help.
Part of me feels that by changing jobs I let him win. It feels so unfair that I have to be the one to go. I helped him to get this job in the first place. He was a temp in the office and then this job role opened up which I knew he wasnt qualified for and would never get. When he asked for my help with brushing up his application and interview skills I thought nothing of it because in the back of my mind I knew he didnt stand a chance. Well somehow he got the job, with a big fat salary to boot. During this process his interest in me skyrocketed and I felt uneasy about the attention he was paying me. So I started to pull away, answering his texts and phonecalls in a polite yet detached way. After he got the job, and after one week of NC on my part he sent me a text saying that it looks like he’s going to be in my life for longer than I expected and that we need to be cool with each other. At the time that text felt threatening to me but because I didnt really know him too well I let it go. I also felt bad for him, I figured the stress of this new position plus his grandmother was dying added to his craziness so I should just give him a break (by the way I now know that his grandmother was not dying, he took off his first week in the new full time job in order to do another temp job that paid more money. At the of the week he ended up “killing off” his grandmother and making everyone in the office including me feel sorry for him. She is actually alive and quite healthy! I think he forgot that he killed her off and the surprise on my face when I met her must have reminded him because that’s when he confessed his charade) His attention towards me just grew and grew. He bombarded me with incessant questions trying to find out everything about me, gave me little gifts that were cute (not valuable), wanted to join me as I did a little lunchtime shopping etc, basically he assimilated himself to me in every little way. I’ll admit I’m pretty naive and noone had ever shown an interest in me like this. People told me that he obviously was head over heels for me and that I should give him a chance. A bit of background about me…Id never been in a relationship before, he was my first EVERYTHING and in hindsight I’m sure that I projected that to him unconsciously just like a bull to a red cloth. Slowly I let him in, and began to develop feelings for him and eventually we were more than friends. However, during the time we were together, we never really did anything that people in normal relationships do. We went to dinner maybe a handful of times, most of which I paid for. Because we both had roomates, to have some privacy, we used to go to hotels but rarely had sex, again I always paid for half if not all the price of the room and he only wanted luxury rooms which I couldnt really afford. When we did have sex he would keep a tally of how many times he gave me pleasure versus how many times I satisfied him. Sorry if that’s too much information, it just always seemed wrong to me that he would keep track. I always viewed it as him drawing attention to how inexperienced I was in that department. Basically, we rarely saw each other outside of work hours. The whole courtship and relationship was predominately played out over text and email. His feelings for me changed when I began questioning why he didnt want to spend more time with me, why we didnt do the things that other couples do, why he showed little interest in sex. He said he didnt want to do these things because of me, because I didnt have the right clothes to go out to dinner, that I didnt know how to make him feel wanted, that I wasnt attractive therefore he had to really have an urge to want to have sex with me. (I’m not unattractive so this last point was really devastating). He told me to change my ways and see what happens, if I changed maybe he could fall in love with me again. When I questioned what he meant exactly by changing my ways, e.g. what specific quality i had to work on he would never answer me. So I persisted driving myself practically insane trying to identify what was wrong with me and trying to fix it all the while trying to seek his approval that i was on the right track to winning his love again. I finally got tired of this and two months ago I told him that either he loves me with all my faults or lets me go because I am emotionally exhausted. He tells me that I am pathetic, that I he gave me everything and by not winning him back I’ve thrown that all away. When i tried to reason with him that real love doesnt work that way, he cuts me off completely. I’ve since found out that during that whole time he is telling me to change my ways and win him back, he is emailing another woman we work with (I’m pretty sure she never engaged beyond the superfical friendly level with him). I never even stood a chance of winning him back and when I tried to confront him with his craziness he tells me that I’m dwelling in the past, that he is concerned I will never get over him and he is worried I will do something stupid to myself. I have never been suicidal and his arrogance about that just floors me! Now I’m in the situation where he acts as if I dont exist and I’m just devastated. Wow, it all seems even crazier when it’s written down. I cant believe I put up with it…
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ThornBud says:
I am sorry, from some unknown reason i cant post this as a comment at the place Oxy was talking about STD’s not safe with condoms use. I am sorry. So i will post it here and ask Donna to remove it at its place.
Many of u are not aware…it is usefull to read
http://www.avert.org/chlamydia.htm
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heavenbound says:
Delluca,
On Sept. 3, 2009, article, Justabouthealed told a girl called Mandy that it was actually her that dumped him, because she refused to demean herself basically. What I’m saying is that justabouthealed made a really good point, a truthful point to this girl. You actually dumped him, you would not accept being treated so poorly and once he seen for sure that you would not be changing your mind about that, he knew it was time to get. He knew his time was up by what you were saying to him, he jumped and made the first move or what seems to be so important to them is, he had the last word.
It’s harder to get rid of them and stay safe if you have to leave them. It hurts, I know, but it was a blessing that he is doing it this way. He may even try to check back in to see if you are ready to bend to his mistreatment. Don’t, you deserve better treatment, It’s not you, that is how they are and they are not ever going to change.
You’d be surprised how much your post could have been mine. I could copy your post and, with a few minor adjustments, make it my post. It was shocking for me to read. The p I was with, his grandma did actually die, his care for that was fake,,,I don’t have to look at him at work each day, but I am the reason he has such a good job with good pay and I do have a child with him which I’m thinking you don’t. Anyway, just a few minor adjustments and your post speaks for me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still struggling with the pain, fear, guilt, obligation, and I’d like to slap him with his last word crap, but we can do this. I read somewhere here on LF and I’m sure you’ve heard this before but, “I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!!”
Lift your head up, dress like you mean it, put your face on, (don’t over do it) and walk into that job like a woman that knows what she wants and deserves it, and don’t look back, he is not worth it. He is not better than you, no way. He clearly had someone willing to stick by him and ‘give him everything’ and he lost it. Just imagine if that was what you saw him do only to another woman…you’d know he wasn’t better than you and you’d not have any respect for him and it wouldn’t cause you self doubt, now would it? He doesn’t know the you that doesn’t have to deal with his sociopathic self. It’s his loss and all you lost was the craziness that he has to live with daily.
YOU CAN DO THIS!!
You may find though that you are better off looking boring or “pathetic” to get rid of him. They are extremely toxic and you don’t want one in your life. Of course, you already know that and don’t need me to tell you.
I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed or anything like that, I just want you to pick your self esteem back up. I know how hard that can be.
Lots of (((((hugs))))) for you, have a wonderful day!!
PS. I felt the same as you about not getting to say what I felt I needed to say to move on…It was really hard for me so I understand you, but there is light at the end of the tunnel,,,It does get better with time, Hang in there.
Erinbrock and some others told me to take it one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time but you will get there. Good advice and it was actually comforting to me somehow so I hope it helps you,,,it’s ok to take the time you need, you don’t have to heal yourself in a day.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Delluca,
The “blaming you” for not being XYZ is just the way they project their own blame on to you. It is YOUR fault, not theirs, and you are th eproblem, never them.
He was using you, and that is what they do. You could have been th emost beautiful woman in the world, and it would not have made any difference. It is not your looks or your clothes that is the problem, it is HIM. He is unable to love, only pretend to.
Just like Heavenbound said, HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH. HE IS THE ONE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!!!! He is a LIAR. Is a liar good enough fo ryou? NO!!!! He is a FAKE! Is a fake good enough for you? NO! YOU DESERVE MORE, YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN HIM!!!
Pick your chin up out of the dust, now that you have discovered what a fake and a liar he is—hold your head up and look at the real piece of crap he is! See what is behind his MASK! NOTHING!!! ((((hugs))))
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Sarasims says:
Dulluca,
I wrote last Friday that I FINALLY DID IT – after struggling with his on and off crap….I FINALLY GOT THE LAST WORD. And boy did I get it good. I keep reliving the words in my head for my own pleasure. But you know what, it was only to appease me. To him, those words meant nothing. I’ve gotten upset before and he’s always come back to say he’s sorry. That I said some really mean things but he’s had time to think and I was right…..SURE WHATEVER!!! He ONLY came back after 2 months at a time to be assured that he still had me in his back pocket. To have sex with me and then be gone again. He “thinks” he can come back anytime and I will still love and accept him. BC every time that’s what I’ve done. But when I give up and stay away, he eventually comes back. The last time he said “I want to repair my failed marriage and be good to my wife” and two texts later asked “do you want to f**k me??” Seriously….what a CREEP! He said “there can be no strings attached” but in the beginning he’s the one that coaxed me into the relationship! No all of the sudden no strings! He even told me he couldn’t see me UNLESS he knew he was going to get to F**K me bc he couldn’t control himself. Well, guess what, I saw him and it happened just like he wanted. The next day when I texted him, he ignored me….although up until that point he wasn’t ignoring me at all. He got what he wanted and then I was history. When I FINALLY got him to respond he said that the sex was great but I wasn’t worth the craziness that came along with it. Imagine that, you want to be intimate with me but I can’t call or text you. He said it was like rape….when a woman says no and a man forces himself it is rape. And that’s what I’m doing by texting and calling him. YES….I must be the SP…..it truly makes one wonder doesn’t it?
We are here bc we all want to be strong enough to say NO to their demands and demeaning behavior and mean it!!! I’m starting over – NC for 3 days! No matter if we tell them off or simply go NC quietly, I must believe that we are truly winning. We have set our boundaries and will no longer accept their crazy and tortuous ways. I do feel for you having to see his face every day. But I have faith in you.
Hugs to you and know that I will be praying for you!
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luv716 says:
Are we winning because they don’t care one way or the other they still playing love games that hurts down to the core of your soul so are we winning? Me not calling him don’t phase him one bit he still claim he loves me but reality is no actions to match the love. I feeling like he think im the stupidess girl in town.
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Sarasims says:
Hi Luv – I’ve thought of you often!!! I really hoped you weren’t being sucked in by your SP again!!!
I “think” – but of course don’t know for sure – that by not “letting” them have their way with us, we are winning. Even though they could care less about us….what they do care about is being in control and having power over us. That’s why when I don’t bother to contact the SP for about 2 months, he comes back around, just to make sure he can still push my buttons. Just to make sure he has control. All he wanted me to say is that I still loved him. He kept asking me over and over again. And then when I FINALLY did, the next day his story had changed. He couldn’t talk to me bc he had other priorities.
Think about it Luv…..if you REALLY love someone, you would move the sun, earth and stars to be with them. I make it so easy for him by giving in every time….so then he’s off to do his thing again. But THIS time, I yelled and screamed and was so mean and hateful to him! I told him that I would go to the police if he EVER contacted me again. I ACTUALLY TOLD HIM THAT HE WAS A SOCIOPATH!!! And then I hung up on him!
Will he ever contact me again….probably so bc he’s just that stupid! But next time, I won’t give in. I won’t even give him the chance to talk to me….and THEN, I’ve won completely.
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justabouthealed says:
Sarasims….GOD! The P you were involved with is CLASSIC!!! OMG! We should start a book called Jaw Droppers, of quotes from these guys….like the text he sent about his marriage and then 2 texts later! And just UNBELIEVABLE that he would compare you texting and emailing him as rape!!! That is ASTOUNDING, just fricking ASTOUNDING.
These guys are all the same. Unbelievable!
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Rosa says:
Luv716:
You asked, “Are we winning because…”
For me, the longer I held on to him, the more miserable I became.
And, I hung on way too long.
I failed at the No Contact rule many times before I finally got it right.
In the end, it became less about winning, and more about just cutting my losses and getting the heck away from this toxic person, so that I could get on with my life in a safe & healthy manner.
You see, there was nothing left to “win”.
Thinking in terms of “winning and losing” is the sociopath’s mentality, as far as I am concerned.
Don’t fall into that trap.
You will never beat the sociopath at his own game, because they are always manipulating the rules.
It’s a complete waste of time.
My advice is to cut your losses and get on with your life.
Your man is probably with another woman right now. That’s why you are not seeing him. But, he still continues to call because he wants to keep you “on the string” in case he needs to use you again in the future. Think about that the next time he calls you and says, “I love you.”
You could be getting these “I love you” calls for years to come, unless you put a stop to it now.
You are the one who is going to have to put an end to HIS madness, because he never will.
Complete No Contact is the answer.
~I know this advice is easier said than done, Luv.
We are all here to support you through it.
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Sarasims says:
justabouthealed – YES….can you believe it!??! And I swear to you, in the beginning this guy was completely different. He mad out to be this charming, handsome, together kind of guy that was the man of every woman’s dream. Athletic, cool, collected, bad boy in a past life but all together now, good job, responsible. And he answered to my every whim before I could even think of it. Mad me laugh, dried my tears when I cried, told me that he was all about walks and picnics in the park…making love under the stars. And it’s come to this. Someone I was so in love with, someone that told me it’s about all the little things you do for the one you love, someone that told me he would rather have me some of the time than none of the time.
It all came to “f**k me when I want, and I’ll talk to you when I have time”….”don’t call me, I’ll call you”. Can you believe it? And the reason it’s so hard is bc when he comes back, he tells me all the LOVING things to get me hooked again – then a day or two later is contradicting what he told me. Acting completely different, like I must have made it up in my mind. Now that I look at it from the outside and read my words – it sounds TOTALLY INSANE…..like “HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID??”
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Sarasims says:
Sorry “made out to be….” and “made me laugh…”
I must be angry…lol….
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justabouthealed says:
You were NOT stupid. Until it has happened to you (and sometimes with more than one person), many of us…especially highly loving, caring people….can’t phantom that someone could have emotions that are that shallow; that someone could have a hidden agenda; that someone could be a different person at the drop of a hat; that someone could say words of love and not mean them; that someone could feel that f**king entitled to use people and be that arrogant and self-assured about it; that someone could be that flagrant about their emotional abuse; that someone could project all their faults on to us; that someone could be comfortable with hurting us on purpose and not acknowledge that….and on and on. You weren’t stupid, you expected him to be a normal human being! Normal human beings can grow apart, mistake their emotions, etc…..which bears NO RESEMBLANCE to what these guys do!!!
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justabouthealed says:
LUV– If you haven’t read the postings at Baggage Reclaim, about the fall back girl, do!
Here’s her latest entry.
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.u.....ried-wolf/
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Sarasims says:
justabouthealed – sounds like you have some experience in this area! Unfortunately – right??!!! I hate it for both of us – but glad we are here sharing. I especially like your “f**king entitled” part bc that is EXACTLY what he thinks he is….entitled to me or anyone else he pleases! I guess that applies to all of them!!! Isn’t there something horrible we can do to them to make them feel our pain? LOL!
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luv716 says:
Rosa, I know that he is wit someone else, Im for sure thats why he’s not coming around believe me I wanna move on more than anything when I take two steps forward, it seems like he senses that I may be doing ok without him then he play the love game. I know that if he ever came back it wouldnt be right too much has been done I look at this man now with so disgust because I know I didn’t deserve what he done too me I woulda respect him more if he would just left in the beginning, but he stayed around an use me tell it was nothing left. Im hurting!!!!!!
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Rosa says:
Luv716:
It is OK that you are hurting!!
I really believe that allowing yourself to feel all of these emotions, like pain, anger, grief, sadness, etc. is the only way you will be able to put this horrible experience behind you.
You cannot get past the hurt unless you go through the hurt.
In my opinion, the worst thing you can do is try to suppress your emotions, and pretend they are not there.
Because, at some point, they will just pop up anyway.
And, I know the S has a way of coming back just when you are about to move on and forget about him. I think we have all experienced that.
It makes it so hard. I know.
I would just tell you to keep reading here at LF.
Have you read Kathleen Hawk’s articles titled, “After the Sociopath: How do we Heal?
It’s a 14 part series. If I were you, I would definitely read parts 1-5. I am always comforted whenever I read her articles. She has a way of making you feel like you are OK, or everything is going to be OK, and that you are on the right path.
On the left side of this page, under “Categories”, click on “Katheleen Hawk”, and her articles will come up.
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luv716 says:
Thank-you Rosa so much!
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