Finding meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath
PDF When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
conomo says:
11:30p here…I sound happy?? I’m geared…I am into getting the b-tard longer time incareraated right now….trying to understand why I let him into my life over and f’k over again..
Betrayal Beyond and other books and living in Lf helps….and music helps ….
I love when I can make the lyrics out…I have been told I hav a bit of a hearing problem….doesn’t take the music away
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conomo says:
Oh dear…Angel…I had a really FOG (didn’t even realize til the end of the day)day on Monday/Tuesday…that’s when the acronym finally sunk in for me….I’ll put a f’n f in front of it ….FFOG…any one give me a FROG acronym>>>just makes it easier to get…
Sorry Angel….I went off there….Laugh and Dance! Take your innocent pleasures where you can!!!!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
conomo – b-tard…as in ‘cluster b tard’.
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conomo says:
One Step.. can’t saay…I don’t know what a cluser B is…..do tell…..b’tard to me means bastard
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conomo says:
As per usual………..,music takes me…homegrown music…sounds like a bad case/chase…uh uh uh uh…….could you right me up??
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conomo says:
We ROCK
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conomo says:
Well thank you for your truth Gem
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ErinBrock says:
Gem:
I appologize and will work on it.
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conomo says:
me too…mama gem …I am sorry that you felt it hasn’t been a healing eenvironmentt lately….
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conomo says:
Actuallllly at this time I’m gonnaa beg off
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ErinBrock says:
Conomo,
The hope is at LF that no one wants to hurt another poster….
But, I do know….I tend to express myself in this way in regards to the S.
That ‘word’ is the most powerful word I connect with and the situation with the S is the most powerful situation I have experienced…..so for me, it fit.
I also understand that in a room full of peeps I know better that to ‘blurt’ it out loudly and censor myself…..so I must view LF as that room.
In ‘real’ life, my friends know me and know how I express myself…..and (either) understand or put up with it….
I also know it can offend some, and my intention is not to offend, so….out of respect for another persons request, I can work on it…..
I believe there are lessons in everything…..and certainly working on my language can’t lead me down a ‘bad’ path…..and gem very well may have raised my awareness and done me a favor….
For that I am appreciative.
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conomo says:
I concur…
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conomo says:
Balllng my eyes out now..I know what it is like to be respectful of language…I ‘ve had my business since 1995
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conomo says:
I am really sorry that I’ve offended
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geminigirl says:
Thanks, conomo and EB for being so understanding. I DIDNT at all want to sound like a prude, and Im NOT one.But you know, words have POWER for good or for ill. If we descend to the spaths level of language, we are letting them win!Im sorry if I upset and offended any of you. I guess asa former English and Art teacher,I love language.The word “F–k” used in anger, contempt, rage , feels lik e metaphoric blow from a clenched fist! {To me.}Hey, I meant no harm, but awareness of what we say is good,we need PEACE and we need to HEAL as well as to vent our frustration, anger and hurt.Much Love and{{HUGGLES to all!} MamaGem.XX
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geminigirl says:
Conomo darling, dry your eyes, we love you!
MamaGem.XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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ErinBrock says:
Gem:
“I DIDNT at all want to sound like a prude, and Im NOT one.”
I WOULD NEVER think of you as a prude!!!!
Besides…..you already admitted to LOVING the word “fuc tard”
(BUSTED!!!!)
I’m not offended….and I hope I haven’t offended ANYONE….if so….just speak up…like you did….I’m open to constructive communications….and hearing others feelings or opinions….even if they include ME!
I’m a sailor…..but I still love you though!!!
XXOO
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conomo says:
You HAVE THE PERFECT IDEA OF HOW iMIGHT FEEL NOW!!! Sorry gem…I wanna punch him over and over…not really someone besides me maybe…. this is good right??? I can’t stop crying ///ya…we can say red wine is the ( I don’t know how to describe it) Jussst stopped crying. This coller coaster sucks!!! OOps is that allowed???
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geminigirl says:
Yay, I WAS busted alright! yes, I did say that! I guess it was just that there seem to be so MANY F words lately, LF is peppered with em! And if you use too much pepper, you sneeze! Nota very logical argument, but hope you all get my drift! I love you all too! Mama Gem.
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ErinBrock says:
BTW….my parents HATE my ‘ship speak’….potty mouth….
SO I MADE SURE I DROPPED A FEW “F” BOMBS when I spoke to them…..Just to piss em off! (BAD EB!)
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conomo says:
F*K A sailor … i used to think I was EB…that’s why I stepped out and told you ” Never lose your tenacity!!!”
Still ballin…and I’m no ta fu’n sisssssy…Geez…
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ErinBrock says:
Gem:
XXOO
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geminigirl says:
Conomo, what the hell is a coller coaster?
Red wine is the catalyst, is that the word?
Maybe punching your pillow would help?
Are you pissed?
Anyway, hope you sleep well,dont beat yourself up, darling!
Love, MamaGem.XXXXXXxXXXXXxx
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geminigirl says:
EB I think were all BAD TO THE BONE!!!
Love, MamaGem.XXoooooXXXXXXXX
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ErinBrock says:
Conomo….
WHY would you step right out and use the word you just offered an appology for immediately after offering an appology???
And I have NO idea what your referring to in the 4:50am post referring to tenacity.
Seriously, I think it’s time for bed…..put the wine glass down and nighty night!
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conomo says:
The reason is that it came as natural.
Tenacity is a good thing…I think your tenacity is what helps you persecute your spath.
Without a doubt …….but it’s up to me to put it down
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conomo says:
Coller/Roller Coaster??? Sorry really think I should say thank you
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conomo says:
Not quite sure why I’m trying to vindicate myself yet again…but I am thankful for the education I received. I wish you all honesty, acceptance and healing..
I am not sure why “swear” words should preclude a conversation, especially under the circumstances.
Now I am thinking /// I know you have no duties
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silvermoon says:
Sometimes, what is left is to just move on.
I discovered the fantasy.
I grieved for it.
I looked at my part and saw where he connected with my ideas about my own defficiency and proposed to love bomb thouse wounded places in exchange for a free ride to conduct his own business: womanizing other people.
Now there is the therapy and self examination and reprograming.
Soon, there will be the ending of the legal realtionship.
And then, its done.
Kind of like being on the beach after a storm. the weather is clear and bright and the sea is calm again but everybody is talking about the storm last night….
Well, it is the best time to pick up shells.
And so this day is about picking up the shells. And listening to the ocean in them. Because the waves come and go relentlessly. That is what the ocean does.
It is a rythmn of the natural world. A simple, powerful,known thing that the waves keep coming.
The storm for now has subsided and in coming out to inspect the damage and make repairs I see that the landscape has changed. Beaches never stay the same.
Yes, he filled my needs handsomely. He knew just where and how. And it made me feel happy as long as I believed that he was true.
The storm came on the discovery of what in fact is true and now has subsided as I accept the facts, make and execute the decisions to act, heal and move on.
Here we are on the beach and we say to one another “wow, what a storm! It took the roof off MY house and blew away the fences and sucked 6 feet off the beach-Wow”.
It is an incredible experience. And everyday, it is diminished by that much.
I am reminded of TS Elliot’s poem about spiritually exhausted people- Prufrock…….
I grow old … I grow old … 120
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.
Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me. 125
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown 130
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
Today begins quietly
Sea calm
Winds fair
Visibility unlimited
The lesson is about how to get from there to here-
Remember Toy Story when Woody says to Buzz Lightyear:
“That’s not flying, that’s falling:with Style”
Well, it may not be a day to fly, but it just might be a good day.
See you on the beach?
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kim frederick says:
Thanks for that Silver. I think that healing comes from having faith that the “mermaids WILL sing to us.”
I have always loved that poem, and I think that is the saddest line.
How ’bout this from ol’ T.S.:
April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain…..
That speaks to me of cycles, and regeneration..Rebirth, hope.
But also of sadness and loss, of coming out of the numbness and fog….
That is from, “The Waste Land” if anyone would like to access it…………Let’s all have a wondrous, healing day.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Kim – T.S. was a master at conveying grief…this exerpt is simply stunning.
hugs.
one step
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silvermoon says:
K +1,
Love the exceprt and will reread it. I love TS.
Yes, faith, hope and love.
And the greatest of these is love…
It IS a great day!
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