All that glitters is not gold
PDF By Ox Drover
Going through my family photos I came across one of my two oldest sons. We had gone on vacation to Montana to visit a friend for the summer in 1981. They were about 10 and 11 years old. My friend took us around to all the local sights and showed us some old gold mines dug back into the solid rock.
In the photo made that summer, I saw my sons, both kneeling on a huge rock about five feet from the edge of a stream of rapidly flowing water, with a gold pan in their hands. My friend had put a handful of sand from the edge of the creek into the wok-shaped pan and showed them how to swirl the sand in the bottom and let the rushing water wash away the lighter sand, and told them that the heavier gold dust would stay in the bottom of the pan.
They were so excited to be panning for real gold and before long they started to see flakes of glitter in the bottom of their pan. It shone like the sun and made them very excited and they were talking about all the things they would buy with the fruit of their efforts. GOLD!!! REAL GOLD!!!
When they had a teaspoon or so of golden dust in the bottom of their pans, they could come to the bank of the river and put it into a plastic container. Then they would scoop up more sand and go back out on the big rock in the river’s edge. They worked for hours digging and panning for gold dust, excitedly washing the sand they dug, and keeping the glittering dust in the bottom.
As my friend and I sat on the bank of the creek watching the boys enjoying their experience, he leaned over to me and said, “I don’t have the heart to tell them it is fool’s gold they are panning.”
I sort of chuckled that day, and never really did tell the boys that their work was for naught, or that what they thought was a treasure trove of real gold was nothing but pyrite, or “fool’s gold.” Eventually, I think they figured it out for themselves, and my oldest son still has a small jar with the fool’s gold in the bottom.
I was thinking about “fool’s gold,” in terms of false things that glitter and mimic “the real thing” but are, in truth, worthless. A psychopath’s claims of loving us, their claims that they care for us, are “fool’s gold,” because in fact, they don’t have the capacity to love or care.
The miner who came back to “Deadwood” with a big poke (bag) of fool’s gold would be the laughing stock of the town for a while. Sometimes we may feel that we are laughing stocks or fools for having accepted the “fool’s gold” of the psychopath’s “love” for us as real.
Just as my sons were unable to distinguish the fool’s gold from the real gold, we are sometimes unable to distinguish what is real and what is not.
Experience, however, is a good teacher if we will listen to it. Having seen real gold dust, it is easy enough to compare the different sparkle of fool’s gold from the real thing. Having been fooled once (or twice or more) by the fake glitter of false love, we can use this knowledge to protect us. As the old saying goes, and it is so true, “not everything that glitters is gold.” As we learn that everyone who says, “I love you” doesn’t really, we learn to pick the real from the false.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
OxDrover says:
Dear Banana,
Keep in mind, the way you tell if your X is lying is HIS LIPS ARE MOVING! What he SAYS is NOT THE TRUTH, IT IS A LIE, SO WHY REACT TO IT? What he says is NOT important in the great scheme of your life, and only YOU can make yourself believe that it is NOT important.
Don’t dignify his statements with an emotional reaction. That is what you have “always” done in the past, but it is a pattern you must break in the future. As long as his statements (true or false) mean anything to you, then HE HAS CONTROL over your emotions.
In order to live through this, work on TAKING BACK THAT CONTROL, THAT POWER that you have given him. He can’t keep it if you don’t allow him to have it. I know that is hard to grasp but it is TRUE!
If someone you don’t even know comes up to you in a check out line and says “I hate you”—-are you going to go home and cry for days over that person saying something to you? You don’t know this person, they are unimportant in your life, so you say to yourself “why would I care if that person hated me?”
If, however, someone you LOVE says the SAME WORDS, it is devestating because we LOVE and CARE about them, ,and what they feel and thinnk toward us.
WHAT DIFFERENCE does it make if your X LIES TO YOU? As long as you CARE what he thinks, he has control. in reality he MUST BECOME UNIMPORTANT TO YOU. His opinions must be UNimportant. Hang in there girlfriend, keep plugging along. It won’t come over night, but you must keep your eyes on the goal—that nothing he says can hurt you because you don’t give a big rat’s behind what he thinks or says. In one ear and out the other. ((((hugs))))
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banana says:
Oxy,
I must make this clear…yes he drives me nuts.
But I don’t let him see it, by God’s grace I have been as cool as a cucumber everytime I see him regardless of what he says.
Question…So I shouldn’t even let my attorney try to do something about this because he will know he got to me?
However,
I commented on the other thread that it seems he works reverse to you and witsend’s logic: he tries harder when I don’t react….that’s why he’s doing this…because I’m as quiet as a mouse and polite when I see him.
However, he TOLD me he was picking my son up early from daycare just 8 hours prior, and I went to my attorney and stopped him.
I think he is still mad.
I would not have minded that he took my son early, it was that he did not discuss it with me first through either question or suggestion and that he did it the morning of.
My attorney’s biggest point was that he cannot think that he can just do things how he wants whenever he feels like it.
He was very angry that I did not allow him to pick him early.
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banana says:
Oxy,
The previous comment should have read…
Last week, when I said, “Goodbye, I love you.” to my son while handing him over to the S/P, my S/P said to me, “No you don’t!”
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witsend says:
Banana,
He is not only mad about this…..He is going to PUNISH you for this, in the form of your son.
If you are in a battle with him over custody and you happen to mention these things to your lawyer and your lawyer has him stopped this is the SAME thing to him as “having a reaction” to him and his “game”.
Doesn’t matter if you appear “cool as a cucumber” to his face. You immediately called your lawyer. That in itself was all the “reaction” he needed.
You are not in the position to really have him “talk to you first” about picking up your son 8 hours early at the day care.
Now don’t get me wrong when I say this…..By saying your not in the position, I ONLY mean BECAUSE you are still fighting for custody. ONCE you have this battle over with you can follow the court agreement to the LETTER!
But right now while a court battle is still in progress….Things are different. The court nor the judge wants to hear about “emotional abuse” or the “he said”, “she said” in your case. These issues would require a team of mental health experts to figure it all out….
And all you have are lawyers and the judge so you have to stick to facts. Document the “stuff” he is doing. Dropping off late, picking up early, ect….And right before your case give this documentation to your lawyer…..BUT you must know that you will get further in the courtroom without alot of emotional drama for the judge to contend with.
It would be in your and your sons BEST interest right now to just document AWAY, but pick your battles with your X, until this is over. It is NOT in your best interest to make him angry. Don’t try to win the small battles “now” go for the bigger more important win. That is all I am trying to say.
I understand totally what you are trying to say here…And yes if you were dealing with a “normal” person you might do things exactly as you have been doing. However a normal man would be in a custody battle with you and also CONSIDER the best interest of your son. Your lawyer very well might NOT understand what he is up against. Even though you might have warned him. If he has never lived with an S/P/N he DOESN’T know what he is dealing with.
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banana says:
Witsend,
We have a temporary order in place that states his visitaion starts Thursday at 3:30 pm. That I am to drop-off my son with him at that time at a specific location.
He was going to walk over me and tha temp. order to pick my son up at 2:00.
Thank you…no offense taken. I really need your imput and appreciate all of your advice.
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witsend says:
banana,
I KNOW exactly how frustrating your situation is. BELIEVE me I am frustrated every single day of my life for the past 2 years.
In your case though, it is SO important for you to not loose focus of the END result of your court case. Because that is what really matters.
And he will try to make you loose focus. Every chance he gets.
I responded to you because you mentioned the hair cut and I had been in EXACTLY the same senerio with my MIL when my son was young.
After my husband died she wanted to have my son overnight for visits. She brought him home MINUS his beautiful locks.
She bought him guns the first Christmas after his father died. His father killed himself with a gun 2 months before and my son saw the gun my husband used because he was there.
And to let me know just how much she didn’t CONSIDER my sons welfare…She also informed him in front of me “your mommy doesn’t aprove of these toy guns so you have to leave them by grandmas”. Now why would you even buy toys for a 4 year old that he can’t bring home?
After many more issues such as these…..She went for the big one.
She started bringing him home in the car without putting him in his car seat. THE FINAL STRAW. The “battle” I did choose to pick with her.
I just wanted you to know that when it comes to a small child and they “up the stakes”, it can become your worst nightmare.
Please always remember what your up against.
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OxDrover says:
Banana,
Make him stick to the LETTER OF THE AGREEMENT IN PLACE NOW.
His comment that you dont’ love your son, is just his way to pull your chain. Don’t let him get to you, you know that is FALSE and what do you care even if he (the X) thinks it? (((hugs)))
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witsend says:
OXY,
Did you by chance read my reply to you on the other thread where I was talking to skylar? I think it is the thread….I am loosing control as a parent.
I am curious what you think about this? Him very possibly changing his plan?
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robxsykobabe says:
Hi all…
I would like to confess to something Ive done recently.
Recently, after much contemplation and beating myself up, I sent my ex’s mother an email giving information I guess about our relationship and my feelings about things that went on which Im sure she had no idea about. My point was this…I needed to get rid of some of the craziness I was feeling and thought since she had shared with me about a year ago her own personal ‘testamony’ relating to my ex’s destruction he caused, that it was appropriate. I did not bash him or speak disrespectfully to him. I gave facts and spoke honestly about my feelings of my experience while with him, as she is maybe the ONLY person who could understand the depths of his sickness…so I thought.
I got a response that was disturbing in its own right. She told me she was sorry I was ‘still’ hurting which I found strange as it has only been 2 months with NO CONTACT and we dated for 3 years. She indirectly told me she wasn’t the person I should talk to about this…maybe I should talk to someone closer to me.
The thing that came to mind was-DENIAL. It is clear to me that accepting more negativity about him and his path of destruction he’s dug is once again too much to accept. She has such hope for him to be different than what he is and would often times say ‘Im so proud of the person he’s become” or “he’s so much better than he ever has been.”
With her response I realized how hard it is for his family to even HEAR that he ISN’T fixed or better or doing well…and as a mom it must be all that more difficult.
Just thought I’d share and any feedback is greatly appreciated.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
robxsybabe – hey, I have been wondering where you were!
is there a reason you are judging yourself for emailing her?
you thought, given her openess with you, that she might be open to you – but she wasn’t. I think you need some soothin’ and to be putting down the stick you are using on yourself because it didn’t go as hoped. r you angry with yourself because you hoped? took a chance? did you know that it may not go well? is that the reason for the self flagellation?
even if you did know, being upset with yourself for this is the same as being angry for taking up with a spath to begin with: unkind and hard on your self esteem.
i started to tell my story to someone recently – with real details. i need to – to say not only, I know who did this to me, but, ‘this is the person who did this to me.’ i know that i wish i could talk more with aother of my spath’s dupes – i have contact but she is not very forth coming. what i am trying to say it – i can really understand wanting to talk to his mom. it is a whole other layer of intimacy – closer to your experience of him. a truer touch to your heart.
but she could not. would not. she is minimizing your experience, telling you ‘i am not close to you’, which is disavowing. i wonder how guilty she may feel for how her son turned out….how hard it is to hear your pain as she may feel responsible for it. and maybe, she’s just a lot like her son, or was married to a man who was – and she is traumatized herself.
you sound very sad. be that. but, be gentle with you.
and glad to see you back.
best,
one step
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robxsykobabe says:
One Step:
Well, Ive been off of here because I thought I was holding my own, and through the holidays I did well. January 3rd, (why then, I dont know) though I began to have a melt down that has gained speed and size until last night I absolutely lost it.
You are right…I DID think she would be open with me. We never had a ‘close’ relationship, as she is very untrusting of any female who wants to ‘date’ her beloved son-mostly for fear of someone trying to ‘fix’ him. I did not expect her to divulge information as I have learned that his entire family (her in particular) functions behind the ‘mask’. What I certainly did NOT expect as well was to be shut down like I was…which kinda makes sense though as others have said—by telling my story to her, she may feel a sense of guilt. I am SURE she is in pain and has been for such a long time…and her dream of him being ‘better’ is just that…a dream.
I am sad. Im frustrated. Im sick to my stomache. Im disappointed in myself. But mostly Im confused. I try to tell myself the things I would tell a client, although somehow it isnt as effective.
Thank you for wondering…Im back–gotta get my senses back and this site seems to help…
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one_step_at_a_time says:
why are you disappointed in yourself?
have you done something that you promised not to do?
and what is there to be confused about?
it sounds like you are processing – i get confused before i see clearly – it’s a bargaining stage for me – when the inner and outer are at odds in some way.
and it took 23 days to hit meltdown. impressive
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ErinBrock says:
Robxsykobaba:
You sound as if you may be feeling ‘guilty’? Just by the fact your ‘making a confession’.
No need to confess and certainly no need to feel guilty.
The outcome is, unfortunately, not surpising to me.
Denial to someone close is huge. And it’s easier to pawn you off than deal with her ‘intimate’ son.
When I aproached the s’s step mother…..she was also abused and demoralized and demonized for 45 years by the S….what I had to say was NO secret to her….we had conversations for about a year……and then…..boom…..end.
I know she feels guilt about he dead husband, and this was his troubled son….but shit….he was 47 years old……
He has portrayed her as a demon…..abusive his whole life etc…..I’m not buying it anymore…..but she is in DENIAL!
She’s a mormon and is on a mission…..and god says to forgive…..love thy neighbor etc…..but I don’t believe the bible verses can protect us from a Cluster B. You just can’t love thy SOCIOPATHIC neighbor….(my view)…..
So…..they choose to hold their breaths…..until the next boom drops….and frankly…it’s NOT our problem anymore….
All of his brothers have ‘taken him back’…….but I know….cuz i saw it for 28 years…..he’ll severely shit on all of them, and has since they’ve taken him ‘back’ in. He’s a user and abuser and they are co dependant. So…..have him……you won’t get a qualm out of me. they gave up their neices and nephews (his kids) for a sociopath……they felt bad for him……and I can guarentee you this……a few of them recognized that he deserved losing everything in the divorce! AFTER THE FACT!!!
So……take the knowledge of denial…..and try to contain yourself to bypass the feeling of not being validated by someone you reach out to because of thier own denial!
You must come to accept…..you will certainly come across more of these types than not.
They can keep him….just be thankful it’s NOT YOU!!!
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robxsykobabe says:
One Step:
Im disappointed because I did try to ‘connect’ with a person who could understand what I went through and feel like I got shut down pretty quickly. It isnt surprising as she is in total denial and would much rather believe her delusions about the ‘progress’ he’s made. That is sick in its own self as she and I have had plenty of conversations where Ive told her things that he has done…not knowing of course at the time who I was dealing with…so she is VERY aware that he IS the same as he always was…
ErinBrock:
You make sense with saying ‘pawn you off’ as she has discarded what Ive said, which is a little close to home. She DOES feel bad for him! She feels like he continually tries to pick himself up only to be knocked back down time and time again. She doesnt acknowledge that he gets knocked down because he CONSTANTLY lies and then gets caught…which sets him back. I wish I was validated by the person I feel knows the best about what Im going through, but it seems for her to do that, it would be admitting herself that he’s NOT who she so despirately wants him to be…a good person.
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robxsykobabe says:
ErinBrock:
One more thing. Whe he told me of his child he has never seen after us dating for 4 months, I asked and asked and asked if there was ANYTHING else he needed to tell me. He SWORE that was it…there were no more shoes to drop. Little did I know that was the beginning of a loooooooooooong line of lies and deceit—but along the lines of holding breath…
I believe his ‘family’ is well aware of who he is, but has accepted it as ‘normal’. Now, his mother wishes him to be differently but knows he cant. So what she sees as ‘making progress’ is nothing more than her looking at him with rose colored glasses AND him controlling himself enough around her (who he lives with by the way-at 36). When she is given information about what he does/did outside of her home (like at mine) which is EXACTLY what he has always done she cant handle it…so, you’re right….better to just shut me down and not listen…tell me to talk to others closer to me…(like we NEVER had conversations about him and like she NEVER shared with me personally also)…that way, what she doesnt ‘know’ she doesnt have to deal with…
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witsend says:
robxsykobabe,
Sometimes after a relationship with one of these creatures the thing we seem to crave the most is some simple validation.
Because of the compexity of the disorder and the way people (especially family) relate to it in one way or the other, (denial is huge) it is difficult to recieve that validation.
That is why that LF is such a wonderful resource for most of us. A soft place for us to fall.
Here we can educate ourselves, recieve validation and “take what we want” and leave the rest, when it comes to advice or opinions we might not agree with.
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robxsykobabe says:
Witsend:
It also is a place for everyone to share their stories which have general themes to them which is great. It is so easy to detach my feelings when Im supported by others who are on the total outside who can validate my story. And it makes me see just how f’ed up his family is…cause it’s getting clearer and clearer to me…despite the meltdowns I still have.
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ErinBrock says:
Quote from one of Lily’s posts……
“I have no idea what the outcome will be but if I survive, I’ll be back to the board. If not, I will see you in Heaven, okay?
Okay!…..we’ll see you in heaven darling……
Gem….
Thank you for being such a caring soul…..you are such a wonderufl friend to others.
I hope your doing better and I miss you on my late night LF conversations.
Thanks for the information about our dear Lily.
She knew she was loved and your gestures were priceless to her!
XXOO
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ErinBrock says:
Thornbud posted this in Sept.
I thought was very fitting, I hope you don’t mind me reposting here in Lily’s honor.
A cry, from the Lilly Bed,
It seems as tho the Lilly beds, been silent, far to long,
Without the sounds of laughter,and the chorus, of Love songs,
The once still peaceful waters,have been troubled, here of late,
For from the bank’s, blow woeful winds,proclaiming unsure fates,
The Lillie’s petals have withdrawn, to hide amidst, the greenery,
Their beauty fails to be displayed,to grace the garden, scenery,
When Beloved enters there to feed,and behold, their loveliness,
He finds His garden in disarray, the Lillie’s, in distress,
Then He begins to calm them, and bring them back, in to His rest,
Speaks ‘Wind’s be still,you can not curse,those whom I have blessed’,
Slowly petal’s will unfurl, drawn, towards His Light,
To dance amidst reflection’s, on the pond,til morning light,
Softly at first their voice’s rise, and blend, in harmony,
To sing for the Beloved, a joyful,’ Son Light Rhapsody’
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hens says:
Hello I have been away a few days. Has something happened to Anewlily?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
hens: Gem posted a couple of days ago – that Lily has died.
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hens says:
How sad – She was special. I told her about my Naked Lady Lillys that I planted and how I thot of her while I did so. She was so sweet to me (all of us). My Naked Lady Lilys will be extra special this coming summer. Poor thing, I will look for Gems post..darn it…..
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ErinBrock says:
Hens…(I have to say….I smile big each time I see your ‘new’ name!)
Matt posted ANewLily’s obit.
http://www.legacy.com.
gems post can be found on ‘French introduce law’ thread.
She was special…. Let that be a lesson to us all…..we just NEVER know how we touch others….
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ErinBrock says:
Hens…
I think you ‘jinxed’ me….
I was asked out on a lunch date today…..GUESS WHAT THE HELL HIS NAME IS!!!!!
THAAAAANNNNNKKKKKSSSSS
Shall I decline???????
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ErinBrock says:
D….as in DICK!
I laughed so hard inside when he introduced himself….
And let me tell ya…..you came into my mind immediately!!!
IT”S YOUR FAULT!!!!
Toivola Kangus is her name. Passed away Jan 15, 2010.
she was a beautiful woman….my heart breaks she died so heartbroken….I only hope she felt some comfort and her kids allowed her peace and love in the end…..
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hens says:
YES decline or request he change his name to George…
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hens says:
I got a email from Datingphyscos.com is this from lovefraud?
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ErinBrock says:
WHAT???
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ErinBrock says:
I’m smelling a rotting potted plant in the other room…..may be time to clean it up.
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ErinBrock says:
How about ferdinand…..okay….Can I do that after we have become intimate…..I’ll tell him it’s my ‘pet name’ for him…..he’ll never know why!
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ErinBrock says:
I’ll just call him George…..he’ll ask why …….
And i’ll tell him because he’s gonna remind me of curious george any minute…..cuz he’s NEVER gonna know why!
Am I now having a conversation with myself????
HENS>>>>>>>>>>HEEEEENNNNNNSSSSSS>>>>>>
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hens says:
yep potted plant….gnite.
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hens says:
well~~!!!! it take you so long to answer or comment – I thot I was all alone= just me and yu and the pot plant?
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ErinBrock says:
Hens….
Pot plant……roll that up!
AND SMOKE IT!!!!
Good night…..sweet dreams love bug!
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Renewedhope says:
It’s been 32 days now NC with s woman who almost ruined my marriage and life. Upon reading your responses, I was reminded of some of the things S woman said to me..again the same things you all were told: That You are my soul mate and that no one Knows me as well as you do! Well evidently I didn’t know the main thing about you ol’girl or I would NOT have spent 27 years thinking you would change..or more importantly that you actually cared about me.
Today I am more confident than I was a month ago. My wife and I are back to where we were before S woman lied and said she dying and I “had to tell her how much I still love her”That I didn’t want her to leave this Earth plane without her knowing that. S woman became”Smitten” with me all over again thus starting a long distance/2 month emotional affair via the email and phone.
I look at my beloved wife now with a renewed infatuation that hasn’t been there for a long while and realize who really does love me with a whole heart and soul. That she hung in there durng that 2 months in fear that I would leave her forS woman. S woman- who had me so screwed up emotonally that I almost left the best thing that ever happened to me, and almost did it twice. The only thing that saved me this time was that it was in the dead of winter and S woman went through her cycle a little too fast: first “acting” totally smitten with me..whispering sweet nothings in my ear over the phone and within a month and a half later..insulting me and telling me that it was all my fault for the affair.”You should have known better,you are married!” and “It was wrong and you know it!” Ok she was right: I had this emotinal affair all alone for 2 months. She had nothing to do with it! (Yeah..Right!)Had she not went through her “Bored” stage I would still be in her grasp and still committing myself to about $2,500 of my fathers estate money when it clears probate. But she really screwed up this time because she had a sure thing until she insulted me January 27th on the phone. I would have still came through with the dough too just as her friend until I found out that she was playing me like a violin because she is a S!!! Some friend!
My wife and I lay next to each other last night in bed holding hands and gazing into each others eyes thanking God for seeing us through this rough time. My wife telling me that our reationship was actually stronger for the experience. I agreed with her but sure wished foresight was 20/20 as well as hindsight. Everyday gets a little easier. My marriage alot stronger. Because I decided to keep the real gold over the fool’s gold!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Renewedhope:
Hang in there!
I don’t know if you have read the Bretrayal Bond. I am going through it and doing the exercises. Very helpful. It is important to go deeply into ourselves to do the work we need to do to heal and not just take refuge in our relationships, as grateful as we are for them. we need to put the emphasis on ourselves and our healing, so as not to burden them with the weight of the work we need to do.
best,
one step
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Renewedhope says:
Thanks one step. Where do I find the betrayal bond? Love to work on things!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Hi renewedhope:
you can purchase it through the lovefraud store or amazon.
i got mine from the library.
best,
onestep
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Renewedhope says:
Thanks so much One Step! Will be getting it soon along with The Sociopath Next Door.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
welcome!
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