After the sociopath is gone: Good-bye lie. Welcome truth.
PDF I wrote the following nine months after the p formerly in my life was arrested. I was asked on another thread, was there a moment you ‘knew’? Knew that you would be okay. Knew it was okay to let him go.
Yes and no. In those first heady days of freedom, every moment was filled with knowing I was okay. And every moment was filled with the fear I would never get through the pain to find the light of love within me. I had to make a choice. Had to decide — what do I want more of. Lies and deciet. Truth and harmony.
I wanted to share this piece with you because it speaks to the power of one word to release us from fearing life without them so that we can surrender and fall in love with life within us.
As night settled into its soggy wet blanket, the pooch and I went for a walk. The rain beat a sibilant hiss upon the shiny black road, the streetlights glowed iridescently, casting golden orbs of light, punctuating holes into the dark shadows of the night. I was wrapped in the misty blanket of a rainy evening, my skin moistened by the water-laden air, my breath a frosty vapor leading me silently forward. The pooch pranced happily by my side, her tail a constant metronome displaying the tempo of her happiness as we journeyed forth into the dark.
It was a mystical, magical evening. A night for quiet thoughts that drifted through my mind as effortlessly as the raindrops falling one-by-one from the pearl clad branches all around me.
I thought of love found and love lost and moving on. Of new relationships and old. New found love and love that never fulfills its promise of growing old beside me. Of promises made and promises broken. Journeys taken and voyages lost because the voyageur could not see by the light of the moon and lost his way among the stars. And I thought of my brother to whom I had never said good-bye and the P to whom good-bye was just another word for the door is always open until I say so.
For such a little word, good-bye carries a mighty wallop.
Good-bye can mean, see you in a while, or see you in a year. It can carry us into the night on the hope of tomorrow or it can sweep all hope away as we look back and see there will never be a next time, another day, or a new tomorrow.
For those who have journeyed into the valley of the S or P or N, good-bye is a word fraught with the fear that once spoken it can never be returned. It lays frozen upon our tongues, our minds numb in the fear it might slide out on a breath of air and change our lives forever. Terrified we might slip, we pack our hopes and dreams into that one little word and stuff our pride and dignity into the cracks of our pain seeping in beneath the door held fast against our fear that he will leave before tomorrow ever dawns. And all the while, we search for the perfect last words that will either make it all right or make him hear us, just this once, before he slithers off into the dark from whence he came.
And as we flounder in the depths of empty words and promises, we pray that there will never be a time to say good-bye but rather, welcome back, I’ve missed you. Spiraling into the darkness of the painfully long good-bye they began when they said, hello, we silently hold onto the word that will set us free and stumble through the words of begging them to please not say it.
But in the land of lies, the door we thought we held so firmly closed is always open, no matter how hard we push against it. Eventually, when we have worn ourselves out upon the welcome mat of our desire to be all they will ever need, we must face the reality that we will never have the chance to say our fond farewells. They have already left. Gone in search of new tomorrows. Of some other happily ever after which we never saw coming.
In their passing, we are left holding the shreds of our battered hearts in the basket of our dreams, frozen in time. Alone, forlorn, we whisper, good-bye, into the empty space that lays before us, hoping they will hear the soft promise of our hopes they will find out there, that which they could never find in us. We peer into the darkness of the lengthening shadows, our tears puddling around our feet, forming a river into which we fall, in fear of drowning as we cry out for one last chance to say good-bye.
Good-bye. It’s such a little word but it keeps us stuck on the dream of wanting them back so that we can have the last word that will close forever the door to our hearts they so easily open.
In the end, the best good-bye is the quiet hello we whisper within our hearts as we pick at the scab of our wounds that never seem to heal as long as they keep walking through the door to our dreams. Good-bye lies. Hello truth. Welcome back to me.
In our good-byes that are never spoken we will never find the key that will unlock the secret door to their understanding. It resides somewhere in the dark, beyond the edges of the light. But, beneath the scabby, jagged-edge scar of our disbelief, new skin is forming with our welcome home. If we leave it alone long enough to heal from the inside out, we will understand that he could never hear our good-bye. He could never cherish our hearts because he was always and forever, a figment of our imaginations. He was never true.
In our awakening to the light of a new tomorrow without him we discover, it was only the darkness of being without him we feared. And without him, we have nothing to fear.
In seeing the gift of his departure in the light of a new day dawning, we lift our heads and see, the sun is shining. As it beckons, we step into the light of finally knowing, the only way to say good- bye to what never was, is to accept it never will be.
written by M.L. Gallagher • Permalink •
shabbychic says:
gem, my heart breaks for you, I don’t know how you and the others here on LF deal with the pain of a P child. My daughter lives 3000 miles away from me and although I do talk to her often on the phone… not being able to be with her causes me a lot of hurt (which I do not let on to her). I think you are right about it being harder to get over a P child, but you are also right in that you cannot continue to enable her to try to destroy you. She has lost her own children… so it kind of tells you that these bonds between a mother and child don’t mean anything to her, or don’t exist for her, does she even care that she has lost her own children? Our minds can’t grasp this detachment they have because our hearts are full of love for others.
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shabbychic says:
I worked once with a gal that did not seem to have the same type of attachment to her daughter that I have to mine and I remember thinking “a cat or dog makes a better mother than her”. I didn’t know about personality disorders then, she’s probably a N/S, now that I think about it.
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amber says:
AHHHHHH!!!! As much as it annoys me and I hate these people… I’m watching some interview with Hailey Glassman, and she’s crying her heart out over Jon Gosselin. It’s sick! She’s crying how emotionally abusive he is, and even though she’s sick of the abuse, “he just somehome seems to know how to always come back and makes me stay, because he tells me he loves me and he makes me laugh.” or something to that matter. That she’s tired of being his “dishrag.” And when she said, “he’s like a VAMPIRE THAT SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF ME.” I gasped!!! I was like HELLO!!! RED FLAG!!!! RUUUUUNNNNNN!!!! She clearly doens’t know what a sociopath is, but WOW!! Seeing that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I guess it’s blatently obvious to me that I know the difference. And for that I’m thankful.
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ErinBrock says:
Good practice amber! You will do this sort of ‘practice’ for the rest of your life…..on EVERYONE!
WOrd of caution…….Don’t ever get ‘comfortable’ that you KNOW it and can spot em a mile away though…..THAT”S WHEN THEY CREEP IN!!!
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shabbychic says:
I saw that interview and actually felt sorry for her.
She is waaaaaaaaaaay in over her head!!!
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skylar says:
EB, good point.
Unfortunately, I’ve gone the other way and although I think I can spot them, I’m also totally paranoid!
But that’s ok, I think a lot of what I’m catching is just narcissistic behavior. Like Oxy’s pilot friend who didn’t care about insurance, even normal people act like selfish jerks sometimes.
I guess the difference is whether the behavior is cold and calculated. Then it’s a P.
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ErinBrock says:
SKY:
This is why balance is a key!
It’s about toxicity……Bottom line….whatever ‘they’ are….we don’t need any of it!
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heavenbound says:
Geminigirl
I love you gemini, I truly do…God bless you! You are in my prayers!
I know it’s not the same thing and it doesn’t change how you feel about your blood daughters…but there are many here that sure do need a mother that understands and is loving and is willing to try and guide us right. I have a wonderful mother in many ways and mean no bad towards her at all, but i’m not at all against having another and could use one that understands the effects the p has had on me and why and that I can’t help the way I feel sometimes and I can’t even come close to explaining it alot of times and I can’t change it over night. I’d make the perfect daughter in that I do what “normal” daughters do, I argue, I don’t always listen and I always need straightened out on my path
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ErinBrock says:
MAMA GEM…..not mentioning my childhood issues with them……My mother abandoned me during all of this….not only abandoned me….but worked with the S, along with my father to aid in our destruction.
They lied to me and family, the whole time….stating they were NOT speaking to the S…..I have them on tape!
They wonder why we are not ‘close’ and I have no desire to be intouch with them….they can rot in hell!
I had ALWAYS been there for them….ALWAYS!!!!
So….if you don’t mind…..I’m up for adoption! I don’t eat much!
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ErinBrock says:
Okay….I lied…..I eat alot!
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amber says:
Wow!! This is officially the earliest I’ve been home and most sober I’ve been on a Halloween in years. And to be honest, I’m ok with it. I know exactly where my EX S is right now, he’s at some dirty club, downtown LA, in his best outfit, coked out beyond belief, with vokda in his hand, microphone in the other, and whoever the new girl is… is standing in a corner, waiting for him to pay attention to her because right now, he’s too busy to acknowledge her because he’s pretending to be a rockstar, or score more drugs, or hitting on groupies. How do I know this? Because this was me a year ago, and the year before and the year before that..you see where I’m going.
But tomorrow I will wake up without a headache and he will wake up in a cold motel room, completely hung over, with some little girl he barely knows, and he’ll hate himself. And I’m not upset, I’m not angry….This just is who he is…and I’m accepting that. I wasn’t the first, I won’t be the last, I was just unfortunate to end up somewhere in the middle. I’m surprisingly at peace right now. 6 months ago I would be inside out right now…..drowning my sorrows, crying my eyes out. And right now I just want to go to bed. I hope that moments like these get easier and easier. So ladies hope you all had a wonderful day..good night!!
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geminigirl says:
Dearest shabbyshic, Skylar, Erin,amber, and heavenbound, Bless you all ! Im willing to be Mama Bear to all of you!!I guess Ill have to sign adoption certificates! Serously, thank youALL including wonderful Oxy, for your support and understanding. These Ps are not really human. Oxy is right, blood may be thicker than water, but abuse is thicker than blood! And family are people that love you BACK.! Our wonderful Iranian “kids” have just left,{lots of hugs and kisses from them!}. Roya brought a cake and a lovely bunch of flowers, something my p kids never did in 25 years! LOL! I am so blessed to have them in my life! This is TRUE family, kids who love you BACK, and appreciate you.They both work so hard, they are young,{24 and 25,] but Im sure they will do well and get their citizenship and permanent residency in 3 to 4 years time, Abbas works all the hours god sends, and Roya does 3 days at tech. and 3 at a hairdressing salonas an unpaid apprentice. She is gaining hours, and valuable experience. We had a super chicken curry, dhal, rice,a tomato sambal. indian rotis , chutney, and home made apple flan to follow, then coffee. they went off with enough frozen meals to last them 5 days. They ar such fun, so loving and appreciative of everything.They left, happy, well fed, and laughing. Thank you God!! I am full of love today, so I hope all you guys can feel it, I love you ALL too!! and {{{HUGS!!!}}}Mama bear gem.XXX
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FlatBrokeNow says:
Hi all,
Newbie here, and lurker for a while now. Seems most posts are about him, this is about her. Maybe the lack of posts about her, are due in large part to the overwhelming embarassment of it all. That it was allowed to happen. The fantasy, that if I just did X it would all be good. Over, and over, and over. Knowing, but not acting like I knew the futility of it all. Am I right, that men have issues revealing they were duped, or more accurately, allowed it to happen?
This one is a real life Marnie. If you ever watched the Hitchcock film, you may remember her. She isn’t exactly a safe cracker, but a definite Con. In love with a horse. Seems that’s the closest she can come to a real physical attraction. Withholds physical contact, especially sex. That is all she really has to offer, and so, her center of power as well. Wanted to marry me quickly, constantly telling me she loved me. Scary stuff. Eventually threatened to have me tortured, when I threw her out. I was smart enough to let the people at 911 know about it.
I should be rejoicing, and so very grateful she is out of my life. More accurately, she was never really in it. Easily said, not quite as easy to do. I am keeping NC. But still finding myself digging into the past, even early on, found felony elder abuse against her own mother. Fortunately for me it was quick. Only a few months before I fully realized what I was dealing with. Suddenly that word S just popped into my head, and it was an epiphany.
I would really like to see more men posting here. I personally think the statistics of 1% women S, to 3% men S, are wrong. I think it just goes unreported.
OxDrover, you posted about a woman P who lived in her car, believed she was somehow a superior being… this also applies here, creepily similar.
Thanks for all the wonderful posts.
Broke
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Donna Andersen says:
FlatBrokeNow,
Welcome to Lovefraud, and we’re glad you are here. You are by no means the only man here – we have some regular posters, and others who have come and gone.
There are more male than female sociopaths, although all statistics related to sociopaths are probably not much more than guesstimates. However, I can tell you that according to the e-mails I receive, the generalization is correct – more men than women perps.
Still, the women are just as bad. You can find articles about female sociopaths under “Categories” on the left.
Welcome – sorry you had to find us.
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FlatBrokeNow says:
Thanks, I think I could use a bit of encouragement, maybe some counseling as well.
Broke
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Donna Andersen says:
Feel free to post about your questions and concerns. There is a lot of group wisdom here – someone will have a suggestion or advice.
You can recover, if you give yourself time and permission to do it. Getting over these involvements is a process. Unfortunately there aren’t any shortcuts.
Lots of information in the archives – you might want to read some of the past articles.
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shabbychic says:
FlatBrokeNow, Hi, glad you posted, this is a great site, it has helped me more than I can say, and as Donna said there are men who post here also and quite a few articles submitted by men. This site is a great way to learn about yourself too, not just “them” so I hope you stay and post more about yourself, lots of good people here!
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Matt says:
FlatBrokeNow:
Most appropriate name. If I had back 10 cents on the dollar for what I expended on the avaricious piece of sewage I was involved with, I’d be happy. On the other hand, the peace of mind I have achieved since I drove him out of my life and the personal growth I have experienced since then, really does balance the ledger. Also, to follow up on what Donna sa ys, feel free to raise your questions and concerns. And there ain’t nothin’ nobody on this site is shocked by since we have all taken a journey to the bowels of hell with these creatures.
Anyhow, I digress. Welcome. Male or female, gay or straight, any socio-economic bracket, you will find these subhumans are pretty much cut from the same cloth, as I learned a year ago when I first logged on here after driving the S from my life. That said, knowledge = power. There are a lot of good articles in the archives. I also recommend “Without Conscience” by Robert Hare. The book is required reading for Sociopath 101.
Once again, welcome. You are in a place of healing.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Flat,
I second donna’s welcome here. This place has been a life saver for me, and I’m still here after 2+ years and have no intention of leaving. I’m a lot further along the road to healing now and living a good life and one filled with peace and joy, but I can sure relate to everyone here.
I had (he’s dead now) a P-sperm donor, and a P-son (in prison) a P DIL and have worked with and for Ps, been in business with them, and seems my life and family are filled with them. I am a retired medical professional and you’d think I would have SEEN and RECOGNIZED that I was being abused, but I didn’t for so many decades.
Yes, I think the reason there “are more” Males is that due to the testosterone males “act out” more, but I also think that many “cluster B” (different diagnoses for personality disorders) are tacked on to women because they are usually not so violent. They can be though! I think too they are sneakier than the male variety as a general rule.
I’m glad you didn’t get hooked into this woman for a life time or have a child with her! Count your blessings, Man, and get down on your knees and thank whatever diety you believe in that you were saved from that BEAR TRAP. Both men and women Ps use children as a “hook” to bind the victim to them. Using the children as pawns in their games.
I suggest as Donna did that you go through the archived articles, you might want to start with the ones about female Ps, and read each and every article (don’t bother with the comments as you would never get through if you did) LOL and I think you will realize that there is a great deal of information you will find helpful. Stuff about THEM but also stuff about (more importantly) US and how we heal, how we spot them in the future (Red Flags) and about the importance of staying NO contact. Both physically and emotionally.
There have been some great male posters here and there are two regular ones here now, Matt and Henry.
Also there are (according to a site that counts hits to different sites) about 2,000+ hits her per day. Since there are not even close to that many people posting here, and people have come on here and posted and said “I’ve been reading daily for over a eyar and this is my first post.” I believe there are many men out there who READ but for whatever reason don’t feel comfortable posting.
We sincerely welcome people from both sexes, straight or gay, and various viewpoints on lots of things. This is a very open and caring group of people, there is respect and validation here. We need that validation when we start to heal because, frankly, most people will not “get” what a trauma we have been through, even if you were fortunate not to be hooked into this woman for decades with children etc. THEY ARE TOXIC and any association with them is poison to our souls. I appalud you for catching on as quickly as you did!
The money they con us out of is “tuition” in the school of hard knocks, but I think in the end, it is usually money well spent! If WE GET THE LESSON. If we don’t get the lesson (flunk the class) we will only go on to repeat it again until we DO get it.
Again, welcome!
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FlatBrokeNow says:
Hey,
Thanks again, yeah, I guess, actually, I’m pretty lucky compared to what I see a lot of here. I knew about S’s but somehow didn’t make the connection until after she was out. Suddenly BOOM! The word! … and it all made sense.
I wonder though if being here is really part of NC, or it’s just another facet of maintaining the deadly fantasy…
Broke
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Matt says:
FlatBrokeNow:
Being here is really part of NC — it helps survivors of an S to escape the fantasy. As a starting place a survivor needs to escape the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Also, the folks on this site are really good at giving you reality checks which are necessary since these creatures do such a thorough job of destroying our sense of reality. Kathy Hawke has written a great series of articles on the steps of healing.
I’ve practiced criminal law — both sides of the aisle — and I thought I knew what sociopaths were all about. No secret that a large proportion of the guests of the CJS are psychopaths. I still got nailed by one in my personal life — and as incredible as it seems, he was an ex-con. I subsequently learned he had been released from prison 3 weeks before I met him. So, you’ve got a lot of company in the “I thought I knew what a S was club.”
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FlatBrokeNow says:
Matt,
Well, we have that in common. I knew it, was warned, found the court papers on the net, but chose to believe her story, well… I suspected she was lying, but chose to ignore that. Felony elder abuse, 3 year sentence, her own mother. Just a few years back. Dom Violence charges as well. How could I choose to ignore this??? Dumb, and dumber!!! More accurately… Dumbest!!!
Broke
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OxDrover says:
Dear Flat broke,
We have a custom around here in case you haven’t happened on it. I am a crusty old lady with a cast iron skillet and if you call yourself “dumb” again, I will “boink” you and flatten your skull with it! (Love taps only! LOL) Seriously, I think you should change your mind set about thinking of yourself as “dumb”—actually you are not, none of us here is. It seems that most of the time (from research done by Dr. Leedom,) they actually target people who are competent, and smart, but they are SOOOOO good at pulling the wool over our eyes, and the “love bomb” they do to us at first is so convincing that just like a cat stalks their prey and gets them in a place they can’t (easily) escape, so do the Ps. There is a definite pattern here.
I am a retired medical professional (Registered Nurse Practitioner) with several years in in and out-patient clinics treating mental illness AND working with psychopaths, Dr. Leedom is a psychiatrist for goodness sakes! If anyone should have known we should have and there are other people here who are equally bright and educated and got hooked as well.
Actually, when I came to this blog (I had been on others that were not nearly as good) I was amazed to find such a group of educated, smart and fantastic people—all who had the same problems I did—falling for the con of a P (or in my case multiple Ps) When my P X-BF targeted me I was a fairly recent widow after losing my husband in an accident that I witnessed. I had PTSD from that and was the perfect target for a serial cheater who wanted a new wife to keep his harem at bay, since his first wife of 32 years had caught him LILTERALLY in bed with one. she had suspected all through their marriage and it had also been a violent one, but until she actually caught him in the act she was not prepared to toss him. He just needed another ‘respectable wife” and picked me out.
He love bombed me and seemed so impressed at the respect I have in my small community and the fact that everyone recognized me, treated me with respect and so on plus the fact that though I am not wealthy, I live well on my family’s old farm and my family has been here sinice 1833. He was super impressed with this, and even love bombed my mother and my friends and my sons. fortunately, once he had me hooked, his real personality started to surface and I kicked him to the curb after 8 months, but it broke my heart and threw me into the depths of despair, the abyss of horrible pain. Even ini o nly 8 months it seemed like my life was ending!
Dealing with family members who are also Ps has been equally traumatic or more so, at one point, I literally had to flee my home for many months in order to save my life. It’s been a rough road for about 3 of the last five years, but I am finally healing and moving on to a better life than I have ever lived, and I will be 63 next month! I’m only now in the last couple of years, due mostly I think to what I have learned and the support from LF community. I’m “fixing” what was broken in me that left me vulnerable to the con jobs that the Ps are soo good at. I have, as Matt says, thinned my Rolodex down to only people that are truly good friends and family, and it is quite thin number wise, but I iam 110% happier!
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FlatBrokeNow says:
Wow, OxD,
I apologize, and it won’t happen again. But you know what I mean. I consider myself intelligent as well, but when you consider what I allowed, it is not consistent with that.
You brought up some amazingly similar incidents that may have worked in her favor. I was in a horrible car accident only a few days before I met her. My car was totalled by a telephone pole, and fortunately I had survived unscratched, but literally within inches of my life. I was totally stressed out at that time, she knew I was. So, yes, she dropped the bomb on me too. I think she was impressed by my house, property, cars, although I am not rich by any means, and unemployed for 7 months now.
Interesting you bring up the subject of thinning down your rolodex. One of the things I noticed was her uncanny ability to meet new “friends”. I called them acquaintances, but maybe more accurately they were potential victims. Tons of them.
Personally, I think when it comes to friends it’s quality before quantity. So how did I overlook that??? Yes, I think she wanted a respectable husband to cover her tracks as well. Well our months were almost the same, mine a couple less, but very close to yours.
We are lucky on that part.
Sorry you had to go through all that, but happy you are fixing it. Hope to be doing the same in short order. Even though I “know” there was never really a relationship, it still hurts to think about what “could have been”. Tough to deal with.
Thanks,
amazing similarities…
Broke
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OxDrover says:
Dear Broke,
We used to have a joke on here where one person would describe their x and someone else would say “were we dating the same man/woman?” There is so much similarities in how these toxic jerks behave, like they have a “Psychopath’s play book” and get their ideas for end runs from the same page.
Yes, it DOES make you feel stupid, but coming here I saw women who were bright and educated and they fell for the same crap I did—the love bomb. The cyber skillet booink started with my friend Henry, who used to be really down on himself and we had a good cyber relationship so I knew he wouldn’t be offended for me “boinking” him so it sort of got to be a joke and other people started borrowing the skillet! LOL Or they would say, “you better not say that again about yourself or Oxy will get you when she comes back on line.”
I think we all have a tendency to denigrate ourselves and beat ourselves up, but it really is NOT a productive thing for us to do.
As we start to learn and heal from THEM it is all about them, but as we progress on the “road toward Healing” it becomes about ourselves. They are like a predator who can pick out the one animal in a herd of 1000 who has a limp and they home in on that one even slightly wounded animal that is more vulnerable than the rest, and people who have had financial reverses, deaths in the family, just broken up, recently widowed, the lonely, etc etc are all in a vulnerable position. women who are hearing their biological clock tick and on and on and on. ANYthing can make you vulnerable including a family of origin that is less than functional. But it is generally people with excess empathy and caring, who dont’ want to hurt someone’s feelings, and oh, did I mention sex and love bombing, and “I love you” on the second date?
It is all rush rush get their hooks in, separate you from any support base you have, isolate you so that they only have the input into your life then devalue and use you, then many times discard you, then when things go badly for them, they pop right back up saying what a mistake it was to leave you for the OW/OM and how you really were their one true love…ya da, ya da.
They don’t respect boundaries and they are ENTITLED to what you have. If all else fails, then they smear you to anyone who will listen.
This site is the best site I have found on the internet for both support and information. there is respect from other posters toward each other and good information on the articles (even if I did write some of them myself–hanging head in faux humility) LOL
Smart people with good hearts! What more could we ask for in such a place. People to hold your hand, support you, give you some good advice, and just “get it” and have an idea of where you are in your healing journey.
I have seen some amazing examples of healing here, when people would come here in a total state of chaos and pain, and remain and learn, and help others on their journey toward healing. I think healing is a JOURNEY, NOT A DESTINATION, and in the past I have been on the road, but felt myself “okay” and jumped right off the road back into the swamp of psychopathic relationships. NO MORE. It is time for me to STAY on that road, to be a life-long learner, and work on ME. I can’t do diddly about them, but I can take care of myself.
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FlatBrokeNow says:
Well OxD, you certainly have mentioned a lot of the same situations I found myself in. “Love you” all the time, oh, and, “nothing has changed” after fierce showdowns, a few days later. I called her on that one too… nothing has changed… and that IS the problem…
and yes, my father died a couple months ago, my mother 5 years ago. Yes, she claimed she would tell the whole town about me being an abuser.
You are right, even though I got her out of my life , and it is recent, and she has disappeared entirely for now, but her ridiculous horse addiction (2 of them), is about to become an insurmountable financial burden on her. I expect she will be testing the waters soon to see if there is any more money to be had for that. So hope I’m prepared for that one coming up. Oh, forgot to mention, gas, food, lodging… etc. Basically they want you to be responsible for their whole life! HA! Never thought about it before, but maybe they view responsibility as a problem for everyone else to deal with, because they are above all that. Entitles them to procure your funds.
Thanks again for all the amazing similarities.
Broke
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OxDrover says:
Dear Broke,
Yes, “responsibility is a problem for everyone else” and if you don’t provide for them, then YOU are BAD….you drive them to the arms of others, you drive them to scream, you do this and you do that…never their fault. Never their responsibility.
BTW I don’t have a “horse addiction” I have a donkey (ass) addiction, and yes, I have two of them….but I support them! so you are off the hook on my addiction! LOL
They feel ENTITLED to what you have, and they feel entitled to the BEST without any effort on their part. Just their presence (to tell you what a jerk you are) is enough payment for what they get from you. ah yes, P-Playbook page 201, paragraph A. LOL
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FlatBrokeNow says:
Well at least you are responsible for your ass sets.
Oh yes, and her life was perfection before… waited on hand and foot, even had staff, 24/7, and an expense account, but that all ended in violence, and well documented on line in newspaper articles.
At least that was her version, the accused perp (a very well known celebrity) was represented by a throng of lawyers, never admitted guilt, and it never went anywhere. So all this need of money is something new… right. My guess is that this has been going on since she was a teenager. Brings to mind that old saying…
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly is to the bone.
Broke
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millie says:
I just discovered this site today. I have been obsessed with someone who I believe to be a sociopath–for four years. I met him at a 12-step meeting and it was “love at first sight.” He treated me so good at first and was so in love with me, but then he stopped. He got “clean” but soon started chasing women and gambling. He has been in and out of my life. He came back in my life recently. He only wanted me because someone “broke his heart” and because he relapsed on his heroin addiction and wanted to pull me in and have me strung out and paying for his habit. After a few weeks and a few thousand dollars. I got away. I kicked heroin on my own. I left town for a week, but he begged and begged me to help him withdraw– help him move his furniture out of his duplex to put in my place– well he didn’t kick, he just stole and lied and terrorized me. He told me to just sell the furniture so that I could make back some of the money he went through. He pawned his truck to the dope dealers and kept wanting to borrow mine. He got really weird one night and I got this very strong premonition that he was going to take my car and/or hurt me.
I finally wouldn’t let him back in. (He’s not just a drug addict. I know that all drug addicts are not sociopaths, but he is– whether he’s clean or not.) He has hurt me so much over the last four years. Cheated on me. Lied. Stole. Put other women on the phone and let me know that he had been with them. He would scare me. Very sadistic. Every time, I would start to get over him, he’d find a way to come back.
I don’t know why I let him back in. The hardest part is that I had a girlfriend who I have confided all my hurts to about this person. I thought she understood. She agreed that he was dangerous, but I found out recently that she has been trying to contact him, but she lied about it. I don’t know why she did that. She has a boyfriend. I don’t feel that she was trying to “pursue him.” Did she not believe me when I told her about him. He seems to charm everyone. I don’t get it. He’s on a probation, for several crimes. I am just hoping that he will get arrested and he will go back to jail. (If he violates his parole, he has to do four years.) I feel guilty for wishing this.
The other day I found a note on my door from him, telling me to call his aunt. I eventually did. She said that I had his furniture, as if I stole it.
I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t trust people at 12-step meetings. I don’t trust people to keep confidences. I don’t trust “falling in love.” I haven’t felt anything for a man for 4 years–since I met him. I feel foolish and damaged.
I feel deep shame. I get nervous just going to the store.
As I re-read this, I am struck by how bizarre this sounds. I do not come across like a 45-year woman with two Master’s degrees. This is a little embarrassing. It sounds so ridiculous when I read this to myself. I’m going to post this anyway.
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henry says:
Millie – Welcome to LF. There is nothing you can not share with us. We believe your story and yes it is bizarre but every word you say makes perfect sense. I am glad you are free. Read read read. I recommend a book “Meaning from Madness” by Richard Skerritt — hang here and read and post, there’s always someone to respond to you..
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PInow says:
Henry,
I told a professional involved with my legal case that I now have over thirty books about the S and APD and “Just like his father”, and this smart, educated, experienced professional who is wrapped around my P’s little finger answered: “are you sure you need to read all these? sounds like it’d be better to try and forget and move on…” Thank God for impulse control. Because at that moment I had no desire to control mine.
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kim frederick says:
Millie, I’m glad you’re here. We have alot in common. My X is a crack addict. For seven years I lived with it. His primary goal in life was to stay high and find a way to survive without having to work for a living. I guess that’s why he had me. I could worl doubles, graveyards, etc, to pay the rent and he’d be stealing the electric bill money. They day we split up, the last time we were in the yard and the glass front door was locked. He picked up a cinder block and walked up to the door, and threatened to through the cinder block through nit, if I didn’t unlock the door so he could get to the rent money….
so, I unlocked the door, he got the money, and I didn’t see him for three days. I was evicted, because I was already behind. There’s sooo much more to tell, but that will suffice for now.
I’m 50, and have an MA in Literature. I am very familiar with the 12 steps, and the dynamics of groups. I have been NC for just over two years. I’m feeling much better now, and give thanks everyday that something really, really bad didn’t happen. I ended up in a shelter for a short time and I was so afraid of losing my house, but in the end it was such a blessing. If i kicked him out, he’d remove the window AC unit and climb right in. He’d stalk me, call me, harrass me at work. I was very isolated and didn’t have much support, I didn’t reach out and talk to people, so I would always cave, ussually out of sheer exhaustion. I also had this sick, sick, sick belief that I needed him to survive. Well, anyway, being evicted finally got me to a safe place where he couldn’t get to me. After 7 years I finally had a chance to take a breath and reflect on the insanity.
I am by no means well, but I am much better, and I promise you that there are better days ahead.
Again, I’m glad you’re here. Keep coming back.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Millie,
I also add my welcome here, this is a healing place.
12-step programs can help people stop using who are NOT also sociopaths, but a sociopath with or without alcohol/drugs is still a sociopath.
in AA they call these people “dry drunks” because sober they act worse than most drunks.
Oh,yes, they come on strong and “love bomb” you at first, but then the REAL thing comes out, and because you had kicked a habit, you felt EMPATHY for anyone trying to kick, so you got SUCKED back in—however, this is one reason the substance addicted try to hook up with someone who is understanding of their “problem.”
No, you are NOT stupid, there are women and men here on this blog who have lots of smarts and education and they too have been sucked in. (read the true love fraud stories) In fact, I think the educational and smarts level of this particular blog is higher than any I have been on. Also medical and psychological professionals as well. I am a retired Registered Nruse Practitioner with medical and psychological experience and education and I got hooked more than once.
Learning about psychopaths is usually where we start and I recommend that you go read the archived articles, read them all and there are hundreds, but they will help you understand not only the why of the psychopaths, but why you were targeted and why you “fell for” it. It starts out about them, but in the end, it ends up about US and healing US and chinking up the cracks that made us vulnearable.
I was never addicted to illegal drugs or booze, but I was/am addicted to nicotine, and giving up cigarettes was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It took many tries before I was successful. Even now if I get stressed, the desire for one instantly hits me, and I know that I am one cigarette away from being a smoker again.
Glad you are here and hang around, this is a great place, with good information and great and supportive people. God Bless.
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kim frederick says:
Skylar, do you remeber that link I posted about a month ago about staying NC through the Holidays? I can’t find it, now. I thought it might be very helpful for the ones feeling lonely this holiday season. If you can remember, please post. Thanks……….:)
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skylar says:
Kim,
good morning.
I tried to google and search for it, but nothing came up and I don’t think I saved the link.
The holidays are goiing to be hard but no harder than they were when we were WITH P’s, I’ll bet.
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kim frederick says:
Sky, yes, I tried too. I’m gonna keep looking…..it was really good.
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ErinBrock says:
this thread is for Harmonyman……
I think it would help you immensly to read the great articles here and learn from others experiences……
you’ll be okay darlen…..keep strong!!!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
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ErinBrock says:
Thanks for moving my smilies……..NOW your the nutty one!!!!!!
That 600 post thread is just sticking to the bottom…..
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shanmoo says:
This seemed like a very appropriate blog to post a wee poem to, about moving on, goodbye lie welcome truth. Hear hear!
I have been quiet recently as my life has been like a whirlwind of different emotions the last few months, and I decided that I needed to move house. I have given up the flat in the middle of the city, and Im taking off to the beautiful countryside where my S had promised me we would live. It was a chance that came up — and after a lot of thinking I decided to do it. For myself, not needing a man to take me away. I will need to get a car – but it will give some independence. I need to heal, and I think that is hard living up 10 flights of stairs in a battered old flat in the miserable part of town. A flat that is filled of memories, of my S-lover, and all the bad and good things that he did to me. And this place where Im moving to … I stayed up there many times and have missed it so much .. yes, he is in that geographical area at the moment, but he is a recluse, and it is just so beautiful and peaceful Im not going to let him stop me fulfilling some of my dreams. Besides, theres a new man in my life who Im hoping things will work out with and he is definately on for staying up there with me ..
Before I took this decision, I was still mentally battered and it was disabling, but I knew I needed to do something — I deserve more than this “battered S-victim” for a life, with all the anger and crying that goes with it. I wanted to start putting behind and start forgiving in some small way. In that process, I needed to express, so I wrote this poem. I only just remembered about it again, when I found it whilst sorting out and packing. I bet the words are familiar.
Its about yes the lies, the cheating, the whys and how could yous, that he went as far as coming to my country to stop me from moving back there, and the little thanks for how I stuck by him despite his alcoholism and drug addiction … but its also about how I have been a woman who loves too much, how I threw myself hastily into a relationship that had all the warning signs, that after we were finished I became obsessed and haunted … him and his issues became my addiction. As much that he pervaded everything in my life even my morning cuppa and shower ..
Querying pictures
You are the picture I awake to
Dropped hastily by my bed
Black and moody shadows
That arouse my sleepy head
Why did you come and find me
In that dark time in my life
Did you see my vulnerability
My scars, a victim to jacknife
How could you have been so smitten
When your past was still in progress
How could you have lied and told me
That past was never your princess
Why was I only worth a stand-up
A let-down, cheat or silence
Why tell me, buy in, I will be there
… Then pay me with your absence
How could you go the miles you did
On that false economy ticket
Make the promises of a future life
With a special no-guarantees limit
Why did you lie say you’d be good to me
The best husband lover friend good father
To keep me from staying the miles you had travelled
When the truth it just couldnt be further
How could you say we were the only ones
You, your little girl and I
When alone in a place far away from your mind
A forgotten son and his mother cry
How could you backstab the one that carried you
Painfully shared your addiction tripped cover
Show thanks by rejection not love or affection
Except for your unfinished lover
Why all those months of desperate falsehood
To not be alone or without
Did I really fall so deeply in love
With a man who was anything but
But whatever you did I still loved you
Foolishly unconditionally through sickness and health
My life you became, nothing else did I want
Crashing there on the flight of your stealth
You are the coffee I drink in a hurry
Tearing fingers frantically through my hair
Sweet liquid thoughts kick my heart in gear
My own addiction that leaves me bare …
You are the water that covers my body
The shower momentarily drunk in haste
The hands that sponge the overflow
…. Of false love, I will always still taste
(btw, for those who dont know “smitten” means “hopelessly in love”)
It might not all rhyme or make sense to everyone, but it has helped to “get it out” in this way, Im sure you can read the anger in it, as I was still angry at that time. One day I might send it on to some people who need to read it (those who criticised me for “my treatment” of him). ;o). Has anyone else written anything such as a poem or song they would like to share? I do recommend this kind of expression – if not just for the challenge.
Im glad to say that I have come a lot further now. I dont think about him 24 hours a day anymore, but he does pop up in my mind still here and there. Im slowly, very slowly moving on. It will be interesting to see how things progress after I move house. Right now I cant see further than a load of boxes!
Thank you.
Shanmoo
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OxDrover says:
Dear Shanmoo, Thanks for sharing! Glad you are moving on!
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silvermoon says:
Shanmoo
Beautiful.
Yes these days are good.
Yes, these days are good.
Hi Ox!
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shanmoo says:
Thanks Silvermoon and Ox, and you are welcome!
Im now trying to “use my wisdom” to a dear friend, who is on the verge of moving back in with an alcoholic ex, because she is unable to find a place of her own to live in. Or, she is unable to cut that tie …
It often seems like the pain and difficulty will never end, but it CAN get better, if we want it to, but it is up to US to make change.
I felt a bit of strength – and I grabbed hold of it.
And now I look back …. Im just so glad Im AWAY from that relationship, even if I do miss that Idiot at times… (yea I admit it … dont we all sometimes ..).
Fingers crossed that my friend will go and take help and not go back to the Alco. She is lucky – not married to him and no kids! Run! Always easier said than done of course ….
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OxDrover says:
Shanmoo, I am glad your friend has you to support her. I hope she will come here to read., KNOWLEDGE=POWER and hopefully she can gain the knowledge and insight she needs to break away!
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Delta1 says:
RE: Red Flags
Hello,
This is a strange little post. I feel compelled to write it here on LF the only place I can think of where anyone might ‘get this’.
I don’t know where this memory has ‘triggered from’ – but anyway – someone else may relate to this and it may help someone.
It helps me to vent anyways.
About 2 months after meeting my ex N I had a major attack of psoriasis (skin complaint). This was a major red rash which ran right over my chest, legs and back.
I’ve had this condition since a small child, but last attack was aged around 6 yrs old – not long after my father left the family home (and I didn’t see him or have contact again until around 16 yrs).
Anyway after starting to pick up on some ‘small clues’ and flags about my exN. (I noticed casual rudeness to others, also that he didn’t seem good at repaying loans to friends etc etc). Along with some suspicions about his behaviour with a girl at a party I was seriously considering ending the relationship at this point.
One day around this time, after exN & I spent the night together I woke up the next day with an attack of Psoriasis that had started to on my chest. Within 2 days I was ‘covered from head to foot’ in a flaming, itchy and painful ‘rash’.
I remember asking myself – “what is my body trying to tell me’. In my animal instinct I knew my body was trying to tell me something was really wrong.
I treated the skin complaint with a steroid cream, it went away and did not come back. I thought maybe it was stress from training/work etc. However afterwards I still vaguely felt for a fleeting moment that I ‘missed a warning’ somehow.
It probably sounds crazy. But I know there was a connection.
Maybe I’ve got and overactive imagination, but I think my body knew this man would connect me back to my most ‘primal’ injury, sensed it, felt it and ‘warned me’.
I talked myself out of listening to my ‘inner animal instinct, or gut’ at that time, but I’ll be listening more carefully next time and protecting myself better.
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Wini says:
Delta1, I worked with several co-workers that this same skin rash would break out all over their arms, chest, neck, back after they were beaten down by the Spath’s that worked among us. I believe it to be the “flight or fight” instinct that is built into all of us for survival. Mine is the turning inside my stomach. Some folks feel the hair on the back of their necks rise. I can actually walk down an isle in a supermarket and instinctively know that an evil person was down that isle before I arrived because of the warning signs my stomach gives off. I wished I could have sensed my EX like this … but then again my flight or fight instincts were contantly going off for 6 years daily/hourly due to my bosses and the multitude of evil cronies during that time. I believe their evil covered his evil up. Actually, I thought I’d wear it out.
Peace.
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Delta1 says:
Hi Wini
Thankyou for your post. I found it really validating and healing at quite a deep emotional level, which surprised me by how much emotional is unleashed as it didn’t really seem like a ‘biggie’ when I posted it.
I have always had trouble ‘trusting my body’ and this post has tapped into something I want to explore further for myself.
Poor old body – ignoring her when she frantically signalled ‘danger, danger, danger!!’
I know several other LF bloggers have talked about lots of body issues here to on the site and I’ve been trying to make friends with my physical being for quite awhile now!
Anyway – your post is very much appreciated.
Delta1
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Wini says:
Delta1, I knew about my stomach being my flight or fight response since I was a kid. I drove all my girlfriends in H.S. crazy when we’d bar hop throughout the state … We’d drive for hours to get to a new club (new to us) and I couldn’t walk through the door. My stomach would flip flop all over the place saying “danger, danger, danger Will Robinson”. Same with your rash.
I’d find myself standing outside the establishment for the entire time my friends were inside having a good time. I was not popular with my friends during those episodes. Thank God it didn’t happen all the time, but enough times to aggravate my friends.
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Buttons says:
Delta1, it is not uncommon for negative energy to be manifested in a physical way – bless your heart, what a terrible condition!
When I was still with the ex spath, I was often either physically sick, or I would sustain injuries that weren’t the result of the ex spath’s abuse.
All of that negativity has to go somewhere – the “normal,” empathetic mind cannot process the types of negativity that the spath creates, so the body has to physically purge it via illness or random injuries.
Brightest blessings!
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katybird707 says:
Wow, how profoundly you put into words exactly what I have been experiencing the past few months. You are very talented. It’s been hard to say goodbye to my N and to simply move on because it nags at me to let him WIN. Winning, though, is truly relative. He will spend the rest of his life feeding off of the love expressed by his victims and today I get to start living the rest of my life as a strong, powerful woman.
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