Normal behavior and the sociopath
PDF Last week I did something that I really didn’t want to do. Thursday evening, I went out in the cold and rain to sit through a “customer appreciation” dinner at the dealership where we leased our car. My husband, Terry, wanted to go, but he couldn’t, because he just had knee surgery and was supposed to stay off his feet. So he put on his best smile and cajoled me into going. The event included a drawing for a big, flat-screen TV, and to win, all we had to do was show up. There wouldn’t be many people there, so our chances were good.
I knew I wouldn’t win the TV. I’m not the lucky one—he is. Plus, we don’t need a TV. The one we have is fine. But Terry, like most men, is a gadget guy. He really wanted to try to win the latest in TV technology. So to make him happy, I went to the dinner.
This is what we do when we’re in love—we try to please our beloved. We’re cooperative. We acquiesce to their requests. It is normal behavior in an intimate relationship—behavior that gets perverted when the other person in the relationship is a sociopath.
Giving in to requests
I remember the requests from the sociopath in my life, James Montgomery. They all came after he proclaimed his love to me:
• He needed money to cover expenses until his big business ventures, which would benefit us both, were funded. Could I help out?
• He wanted to take me to Australia to show me off to his family and do some business. Could I put the trip on my credit cards?
• He wanted to get married quickly. We were in love, we were adults, what were we waiting for?
• He really needed a new computer—it was important that he work with the latest technology. Did I believe in him? Would I buy it for him?
Although I had trepidation about many of the requests—especially as my savings diminished and my credit card balances grew—he cajoled. He proclaimed his love. He talked about our future together. I acquiesced. I gave in. I caved.
My behavior was normal for an intimate relationship. When two people are together, we cooperate with our beloved. We try to make him or her happy.
That’s the problem with sociopaths. They appear to be normal, but they are not. Consequently, we respond in normal ways, and get ourselves in trouble.
We weren’t stupid. We were deceived.
Sometimes sociopaths can keep up the façade of normalcy for a long time. In my case, my ex-husband never deviated from the “I love you, we’re in this together” script. That’s what kept me behaving as a normal wife would, accommodating his requests, even to my own financial detriment. It was only after I found outside evidence of his treachery that the whole charade fell apart.
Most people are normal
So now what? How do we keep ourselves from repeating the miserable experience of the sociopath?
First of all, we know they exist. We know there are people who look normal, just like us, but are missing the parts that make us truly human. They have no conscience, no empathy, no emotional connection to others, and no remorse.
Secondly, we must learn to trust our instincts. When someone generates an atypical feeling within us—nervousness in the gut, prickling on the back of the neck, doubt in our minds—we must pay attention. An abnormal reaction to another person may be our only clue that someone who appears to be normal is not.
The good news is that most people are normal. Most people are capable of love, human connection and supportiveness. Yes, we all have our flaws, but when we are with a normal person in a loving relationship, we can safely do as they ask.
So I went to the dinner at the car dealership. I didn’t win the TV. But by going, I made my husband happy, which made me happy. That’s what happens in a normal relationship.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
Stargazer says:
SC, was that typo intentional: relationshits ?? LOLOLOL!!!! You guys are just cracking me up tonight!
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skylar says:
yeah, Star, the boundary thing with my parents is good practice but it triggers me sometimes when I let the guard down. That’s my nature, to be open but I need to practice boundaries. At this point, this is my best option.
The only thing keeping the P-parents in line is the fear of my xP and also, they hope that I won’t reveal them to the extended family. The veneer is of utmost importance to them, since they have nothing else. I’ve expressed how perfectly I understand the narcissists personality disorder. My mother listens with rapt attention when I explain the disorder. They now understand that 25 years ago they bit off more than they can chew. They’re just trying to keep their lives from coming unraveled. Sick huh?
JAH,
my P never flirted. He seemed so faithful to me. He doesn’t drink either. He’s just your typical P: hate, envy, subtle manipulatons, poison, slander, and sabotage. Oh, and LIES.
He would come home smelling like sex. Who knows what he was doing.
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Stargazer says:
Sky,
Here’s a question for you. Why do you feel you have to live with narcissists and psychopaths? Think before you answer.
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skylar says:
SC, I hope your parents loved you. That is how it should be. but what do you think makes you feel like you can’t ask for anything from men you date?
I know that my parents lack of love drove me to date lots of pedophiles when I was 15/16. the guys were as old as 40. bizarre huh? When you are that young you don’t understand authority and you think it has to do with money or age, and you want to escape the crazy making life your parents have so you look for something that will resemble it but where maybe you can finally feel like you’re winning.
So my relationshit with my FWB is not that great. I mean it’s fun but we don’t communicate so much. just physical stuff and some movies. I don’t really get what he wants. He’s kind of distant. But it feels safe. We have lots in common (computers, movies, video, literature, cats) but he doesn’t really talk that much about himself. It’s like he’s hiding his real self. What’s that about?
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Stargazer says:
I envy you, Sky. I cannot do a FWB. I get too emotionally attached and want more.
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skylar says:
Star, it’s finances.
I’m broke and haven’t had a job since 1989. My P was poisoning me and I couldn’t work during that time. More than that, I’m still reeling from this new found realization about P’s so my brain doesn’t work so well concentrating. It’s always processing P-type data. So now it’s only at about 20% capacity.
Eventually I’ll have to get a job and hopefully the housing market will improve so I can sell the house.
I’m hoping God will step in and save my ass. He always has before.
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Stargazer says:
You don’t have a single non-P friend you can stay with?
When I had a horrible breakup with my most selfish ex of 3 years, I had nowhere to go. I ended up sleeping on the floor of one of my massage clients. We ended up becoming good friends. 8 years later, she has moved to CA and we are still good friends.
I guess I’m wondering how you can heal from a sociopath and get yourself in a good place when you’re living with a bunch of bad people in a loveless household? I know there are some very caring people out there–even strangers. Heck, if I had a spare bedroom, you could stay here.
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henry says:
Star you are a RIOT – I am sure who heard about the old women that went to the pharmacy trembling and suttering and shaking and asking the pharmacist where the off switch was on the vibrator she bought there the nite before?
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Stargazer says:
Henry,
How did that story leak out about me and the vibrator? ha ha ha ha
P.S. It really wasn’t a vibrator. It was a massaging skillet. With multiple uses. LOL
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skylar says:
Star, if there was a job opening in your city, I might move to your floor, oh wait, no, you have snakes. Thanks anyway
No, during my time with my xP I broke off with most of my friends and the only ones I still have left are terrible P’s. My FWB, is not close enough to ask for favors. Then there’s the 5 cats…
Henry, don’t laugh, it could happen to anyone! LOL!
OMG a massaging skillet! that’s a great idea, those would fly off the shelf! All the LF readers would want one.
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amber says:
Riiiiight star…..a massaging skillet…that’s how I’m going to refer to Mr. Stubby as from now on…lol…less conspicuous?? HAHAHAHA…
P.S. FWB is like my new favorite phrase!! Kudos to whoever thought it up!
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shabbychic says:
Sorry, a friend called and she talked for an hour, and I mean SHE talked! haha.
Star, I wish I could take credit for “relationshit” but somebody else started it and I can’t remember now who it was! It’s priceless!
skylar, I never asked for anything because I always felt worthless and was always worried about rejection and abandonment. Could this be because my dad left when I was 13? I was teased mercilessly as a child in school, had glasses, was called ugly… I don’t know what it is. If someone showed interest in me I felt loved and hung on to that person like my life depended on it.
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skylar says:
SC, I’m sorry that you were treated like that by other kids. I wish I could hug you right now. (hug) xx.
I felt ugly too because even as a child I noticed the fact that cute kids were loved and I noticed that I wasn’t.
These are the cards we were dealt, so we need to do the best we can with them. Use them to our advantage, learn from them and help others to learn from our pain too.
btw, whoever started relationshit, thanks. It’s perfect!
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Stargazer says:
Sky,
Good timing. My snakes are getting to be the size where I need a second person in the room while I’m handling them “just in case”. You would be perfect! lol
I just took them out individually and let them drape around my shoulders while I was changing their water. I cannot believe how they are growing. One is 5′ and one is 6′. I’ve had them both since they were little tiny babies. They are still my babies, and they know me and trust me. My boy, Jesse wrapped his tail around my arm like a handcuff and rested his head on the bridge of me nose. It was so cute! I was so upset that the camera is out of batteries. Those are the kind of pictures we like to post on the reptile site. Everyone there thinks it’s adorable, while normal people thing it’s….EW Disgusting! My babies are growing up.
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shabbychic says:
Thank you!
I decided about 2 years ago that I am pretty. I was the freak in 6th grade who had big boobs, that was when everyone wanted to look like Twiggy, who looked like a boy! I could have used these boobs for great fame and fortune! LOL!!! But I had no confidence.
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Stargazer says:
SC, you are asking some very good questions, and if you keep asking them of yourself, you will uncover the answers, honey. I love the “why” question. It has helped me so much with processing emotions.
Now, about the “massaging” skillet….well it DOES have a handle…..***get mind out of gutter, get mind out of gutter*** ha ha ha
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Stargazer says:
Funny, SC, I was the flat chested one in school. The boys called me “titless”. I used to stuff my bra in 6th grade and lived in fear someone would bump into me and they would go flying. It was quite a nightmare. The only good thing to our family moving so much was that at least I got a fresh start at the new schools and didn’t have to stuff my bra any more. I would have killed for big boobs. I would have killed for ANY boobs!
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skylar says:
SC,
You definitely shouldn’t feel bad about large size cups, people PAY for those! But you were blessed!
Star, it might not be healthy to have a FWB but I think it has helped me quite a bit, just because it’s been soooooo long for me.
BTW, I asked this question before but how does your cat deal w/the snakes and vice versa? very curious.
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skylar says:
me too about the boobs, star. I was always the youngest in my grade, it sucked at puberty.
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Stargazer says:
Sky,
). I am envious because I don’t have the emotional constitution to be able to do it. I wish I did because these young guys are very hot! I am feeling like if I can’t have it all, I don’t want any of it.
I see NOTHING wrong with an FWB (either kind
To answer your question, I keep the cats and snakes apart. Occasionally, I am holding a snake and lose track of it and find it crawling on the bed and touching noses with a cat. I have a mini heart attack and yank the snake away! The snakes don’t recognize the cats as prey but when they get bigger, who knows?
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henry says:
I have visions of that Duracel bunny rabbit swinging a skillet – they just keep going and going and going
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ErinBrock says:
Star/sky/SC…
I see ‘boobs’ posted and run right over to this thread…..then I get SNAKES, Cats and FWB!
Dang guys……
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Stargazer says:
EB, you can never go wrong appealing to the lowest common denominator. LOL (re boob talk).
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Stargazer says:
Henry, did you see my comment about the skillet that I posted on the other blog? I meant to post it here, but I got confused.
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ErinBrock says:
Yeah, then I see batteries on the other thread and I run over there…….
I gotta stop this, I’m chasing my tail!
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henry says:
yes i did – I am just posting away tonite – this is my social life – Hey Star I am going to see Dionne Warwick tomorrow nite with a good gf…~!
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ErinBrock says:
Hi Hen…….
I LOVE Dionne Warwick…..ya gonna get her to tell your future too?
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henry says:
lmao – Yes right after we share a joint lmao
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ErinBrock says:
Of oxy’s homegrown?
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henry says:
no comment on oxys home grown remedies, she gets touchy when I talk about her….you do know Dionne was arrested for possesion of marywanna at an airport years ago?
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ErinBrock says:
Dionne travels with OXY?
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henry says:
oh we are gonna pay when oxy reads this -
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ErinBrock says:
Don’t worry…..her hormones must be haywire from the octuplet pregnancy…..she might not even notice YOU talking about her in such light…..
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henry says:
yeah oxy is the pilot and gets the passengers stoned and dionne tells them their future
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henry says:
those oxtuplets turned out to be piglets and she is gonna BBQ them for our big LF party
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ErinBrock says:
I’m in…..but can we bring cast iron through airport security?
It wouldn’t be a good thing if none of us showed up for the event because we were detained in security…..
Such details.
Ya know….I am still thinking maybe we can charter OXY and plane to fly across the country gathering up all the LFers and hold the event at my place…..not near as big as oxy’s ……but if we could dig up that million $$’s, it may solve a lot of all of our worries…..
Or shall we just stick with Oxy’s place and move forward on the patent?
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henry says:
hmm what million dollars r u talkin about?
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ErinBrock says:
The million the ex buried from his drug sales……
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henry says:
hmm do u believe it?
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ErinBrock says:
Uh, yes…..I actually think it could be much more than that……from what i calculate, based on what I found at his house during recon……twice a year=240K x 20 plus years……
Hmmmmmmmmm
He certainly NEVER spent any money on us….or deposited into any account, or showed up here with any unaccounted for purchases…….
He also mentioned through the years of burying things….but at the time I thought he was kidding or not being serious….made comments like….if I ever wanted to hide something I’d bury it in the forest…..
Since I live in the mountains…..there is plenty of forest around here…..he also made a comment once about burying something by a creek to other people.
YES…..I have no doubt he has loads of cash buried somewhere……
Also…there was a green military duffle bag I saw once when I was about 16 years old……NEVER saw it again…..UNTIL….I saw it at where he stayed in the closet buried under stuff (more recon)….I was mortified when I saw it again….because in 20 + years…..I never had any reason to give that bag any thought again……so …..where was he keeping that? It was all dirty too….
BURIED!
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ErinBrock says:
also the fact that he NEVER did anything without announcing it……mostly in ‘s code’……
He always gave me a ‘heads up’…..
I never figured this out until we were divorcing…..and remember how well my decoder worked during the divorce….100% accuracy! I studied his dictionary!
Goodnight……
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skylar says:
Well, I went to bed early and missed the conversation here.
skillets with batteries, silicone, patents and buried cash. It’s got all the elements of a thriller/mystery novel.
I can help, I wrote a patent once and my xP has a green military duffle bag too. It was huge!
And he would bury cash too. Out in the woods!
Now it’s 3AM and I can’t sleep
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OxDrover says:
I can see I went to bed too early last night and you guys needed a monitor on the blog to get your act straight!!!
BOINK!!! BOINK!!! BOINK!!!! and BTW (that means “by the way”) I do NOT smoke dope or grow it, and my skillet is NOT a sex toy, so you guys straighten up and fly right or I will show you what it does!!!! LOL ROTFLMAO You guys are SICK-Os! LOL
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skylar says:
LOL! gmorning Oxy,
it was THEM, it wasn’t ME!
They’re perverts! They stay up late at night and dream up new sex toys. skillet shaped and multi-purpose.
Its 5AM and I’m finally getting sleepy again. Have fun at your presentation. Maybe the rain will stop for you. (hug)
gnite.
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kim frederick says:
Yeah, I’veonly read the last 5 posts, or so, but I can see that I need to go back and catch up. It sounds like I missed a good night. What’s this about Oxy’s skillet, sex toys and smoking pot?
I need a cyber bowl of chicken soup. I’ve had the flu since Tuesday. Can I get an “Ohhhhhh”, and a (((hug))).
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witsend says:
kim frederick,
I actually made a homemade batch of chicken noodle soup yesterday….
This bowls for you….Would you like extra noodles? And here’s a hug for you to (((hug))).
Are you feeling any better?
Sounds like they had a big party here last night!!!
Was your flu any worse than the “normal” flu? My son came home from school yesterday and said that his english teacher was home bound with the swine flu….
I’m hoping that this isn’t something he brings home with him, SEEING as he hasn’t brought anything else home from school, like books, or homework, or passing grades! Lol.
I am almost paranoid of getting sick right now….Something I don’t even normally think about. But I am doing a big show in 2 weeks and I have alot of money invested in inventory for this show. I need to be well, so I can try and sell some of it or I am screwed for the winter months, money wise. I am keeping my fingers crossed….
In our county they closed a couple of the schools because of low attendance because of the flu. (last fri) But I think the regular flu is going around just as much as the swine flu.
My son was sick over the weekend and had a 102 fever on Sat. and some flu symtoms but it was like a 24 hour thing.
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Stargazer says:
What is this? I wake up and find out henry is dating Dionne Warwick? Wow, henry, when you switch teams, you don’t mess around!!!!!! ha ha ha ha
Oxy, change is inevitable. Someone was bound to come along and improve the ordinary cast iron skillet. May as well be us!
ha ha ha
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kim frederick says:
Witsend, I don’t know what the differenceis between the regular flu and the swine flu. I was miserable with all the symptoms of thecommon cold, but also had body aches, fever, chills, etc. Yes, I am feeling a little better. I still have the cold part of it, butit seems like the body ache fever parthas diminished.
Maybe you could try Head-on, lots of vitamin C, and herbal teas to try to ward off any offending virus, that might come home with your son!
Thanks for the soup and the ((Hug)) I feel much better now.
Good luck with your show! I’m sending white light.
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Stargazer says:
Kim,
The only difference I’ve been able to figure out is that it is not the season yet for the regular flu. So anyone getting the flu now is probably getting swine flu. I work at a Children’s Hospital in the Emergency Department and we got flooded with swine flu cases. Many of our staff came down with it. I almost wish I’d gotten it instead of this lingering virus I’ve had since August that is sitting in my sinuses. I cough a lot and can never clear my sinuses. It really sucks.
But anyway, for those of you who are sick or on the verge of getting sick, drink lots of clear fluids and take vitamin C. I hope you all get (or stay) healthy. This is a nasty season for viruses.
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witsend says:
kim f,
when my son was sick I called the CFDC and asked them what the symtoms were for swine flu. Because I didn’t know the difference. There isn’t a difference…
Symtoms are pretty generic. In other words similar to regular flu. Loss of appetite, loss of energy, fever, coughing, runny or stuffed up nose, chills/hot to accompany fever & of course the aches that come with fever, some also report sore thoat.
Star said above that it isn’t the season yet for the regular flu. I didn’t know that.
A friend of mine recently went to her doctor because she felt so sick with the flu. He told her the swine flu test was 300.00 and testing for the regular flu was much less expensive. He said either way what he would give her was the same. So he tested her for the regular flu because of cost factor.
NOW WHY would that swine flu test be so high? Just because it CAN? Oh, one of my pet peeves…I better not get started….Grrr. The cost of medical.
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