Dealing with the root cause of the problem
PDF By Ox Drover
One of the first things I learned in nursing school was to correctly diagnose the problem before trying to fix it. I wish I had applied this lesson to my own personal life as well as I applied it to my professional life.
We were taught that when there was a perceived need, for example, when the patient was feeling short of breath, to assess why the patient might be feeling short of breath. Was the airway obstructed? If the airway was clear, then what was another likely cause of the problem? Sometimes a patient who is very anxious will feel very short of breath when they are actually getting plenty of oxygen, (as measured by a “pulse ox”—a little gismo that you clip on the patient’s finger and it tells you how much oxygen is in the patient’s blood). Or they will say “I can’t breathe!” when they really mean, “My nose is stopped up.” (If they are talking, they are breathing!)
So I was trained to look at and evaluate the situation, and only then to start to evaluate a plan. Once I had a plan, I was trained to carry that plan out, and to reassess if the plan was helping or not. Just good common sense.
Sometimes victims feel a perceived need; they feel that something is wrong with them. They are “hurting” and unhappy, but they aren’t sure what the problem is, or what is causing the pain and unhappiness. I have been in that same situation; I was hurting from my relationship with the disordered personalities around me. I had a need for love, I had a need for caring from those whom I cared about, but my need was not being met, therefore I felt “short of breath” but didn’t know what was causing my feeling of “suffocating.”
In my pain, in my lack of “oxygen,” I tried everything I could think of, almost at random, and nothing seemed to make me feel any better. I kept suffocating and like a person drowning, I flailed my arms at anything that floated by that might give me support.
I begged my abusers to help me, told them how I was suffering and suffocating, but though they told me they loved me, and I wanted to believe they loved me, their attempts to explain my pain as my own fault didn’t help me. I tried the things they suggested, but nothing worked. No matter how I tried to please them, I always failed.
The punishments they inflicted on me for my failures didn’t make me feel any better either, and I continued to spiral downward until I was critically ill. Still they didn’t seem to perceive how I suffered, or lend me any support.
One day, when I was critically ill, totally beaten down, with barely an emotional “pulse” and in more pain than I had ever imagined was possible, I realized I had not been using “common sense” to stop my downward spiral. I realized the only way I could stop the pain, stop the progression of my life’s downward spiral, was to use the good sense to diagnose the real problem before I started to fix it.
If a patient had come to me and said, “My foot hurts,” I would have looked at the foot and if I saw a thorn, I would not have said “well, let’s give you a pain killer to help your pain.” I would have removed the thorn, the obvious cause of the problem, before doing anything else. If the problem had not been so obvious, if perhaps the foot was tender, red and swollen, I might have taken a blood test to see if there was an infection. I would have asked if the patient had a thorn in there a few days ago, or if they had fallen, or dropped something on it. I would have worked my way down a list of questions that would have helped me get to the real cause of the problem. I would not have just thrown medication at them without knowing what the real problem was.
Why did I try to fix my own pain without finding out what the root cause was? How did I think the “shot gun” approach of just “shooting off in some direction” was going to help me to feel better, to get my life back on track?
Once I backed off and looked at specifics, looked at what the pain was, and what was causing the pain, and realized that as long as I did not take care of the root cause, did not remove the “thorn” from my foot, all the antibiotics in the world would not cure the problem, all the pain killers in the world would not stop the pain. The problem would continue to get worse if I did not take care of the cause of the problem and remove from my life the things (and people) who were inflicting the pain upon me, the infection that was killing me by inches.
Sometimes, the “cure” for our pain involves very extensive “surgery” to remove toxic and malignant “tumors” from ourselves, it might even involve “amputating” someone who is so dear to us we can’t imagine going through life without that person. I had to “amputate” my psychopathic son, and my enabling mother, both of which were traumatic operations for me, and for a while made me feel as if I had no legs, and couldn’t walk ever again. I have found though, like the Bible says, “If thy hand offend then, cut it off” is pretty radical but good advice, and sometimes cutting off a member of our emotional “bodies” is the only way to survive.
Surgery and medical treatment is sometimes painful, and we may want to delay “treatment” because of that potential pain, but I am here to “testify” that life without the malignant people is much, much better!
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
skylar says:
morning Erin.
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skylar says:
Katie,
according to this article it is legal for lawyers to blackmail or extort. So you can hire a lawyer or get a law degree to do this for you! Right Matt?
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10......html?_r=1
Article is called “The Art of Blackmail”
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robxsykobabe says:
Hi lovefraud:
So, Ive been feeling sorta down so far this week as it is coming up in 4 months NC with ‘princess’. So many thoughts have gone through my mind and some guilt has begun to cross my path. I know I needed to accept the ‘root cause’ of my pain, and attributed it to becoming aware of his shit.
This guilt of mine surrounds the idea I have of ‘giving up’ on ‘us’ and going NC cold turkey. I vascillate between thinking ‘who deals with all the bullshit?” and “damn, I should have at least told him goodbye”.
I am posting some texts he sent me in Aug of 09 after we began talking again after our initial breakup…
“I want you to want me and miss me and really put yourself out there and act like your in love with me…I want to matter to you, to be worth the time, the drive…I want to be loved too much and held too tight, wanted, desired and I want it from you.”
Sound like bullshit to you guys or what? This was written in August and we went NC in November…did/does he really want those things from me or was this his skill at using words to trap me again…?
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ErinBrock says:
Okay,okay,okay……RBAbe…..
What your feeling is part of the process……the key factor is NOT to give into it!!!!!!
Don’t let yourself become overcome by these feelings…..
This is what he’s telling you.
““I want you to want me and miss me and really put yourself out there and act like your in love with me…I want to matter to you, to be worth the time, the drive…I want to be loved too much and held too tight, wanted, desired and I want it from you.”
I want you to buy into what I’m telling you….and hurry up….because I can’t hold the front up too long you stupid bitch….
I want to know that I have you by the strings of your heart and I can prance you around like the puppeteer I am.
I want the great sex you gave me….cuz I’,m having a hard time finding it elsewhere currently….and I know, one night with me…with surely suck you right back to my bed….since the drive is so looong and all….
I want you to act like you love me, so all my friends will be envious of the hot babe I got to dangle around them…..
I want it from you…because i’ve put so muchwork into sheistering you….that your my first choice….otherwise, i’m just gonna have to run right out and find another and another….You have first dibs on me….only because I think your a sucker…..
YEAH DARLEN……SOunds like bullshit!!!
See….I found the hardest part of the split was the lack of closure…..
but break that down girl……If we had ‘closure’ with this type of personality……WE”D STILL BE TOGETHER…..
Cuz they’d suck us right back in….with the above texts and bullshit words….
THIS IS WHY WE DON”T GET CLOSURE…..
It wasn’t a healthy relationship…..so it doesn’t get a standard departure….
CLOSE the door……
You need not second guess yourself…..
OR….better yet……why don’t ya go back and give it another shot……you’ll quickly remind yourself of WHY you went Cold turkey!!!!
(That’s a joke)!!!
XXOO
EB
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geminigirl says:
Obviously you cant be raped by your adult kids, but you can be raped in other ways.I allowed myself to be emotionally, mentally and financially raped by my spath kids,{now 45 and 44 years old,}for over 26 years. NO MORE!! Love, Gem.
Sorry this is prob. not the point being discussed here, but sometimes revelations just hit you in the solar plexus, and you have to share. Love Gem.
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kim frederick says:
RobsX, RE-READ that shit! All it said is , “I want, I want…
ask yourself why HIS wants are enough for you.
I was the same way…if he wanted me, then I had some control and some power. Not so…You need tosak yourself what YOU want, and then figure out how you can go about getting it. I can promise you this guy has nothing to give YOU, but is thinking about what HE CAN GET FROM YOU…He knows that if he says, “I want you”, he’s in the door…
I only say this cause I’ve been there.
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kim frederick says:
You will find that L
but then again, maybe ai’m taking that out of context. I just re-read your post…was that excerpt baried in the middle of a really honest back and forth dialogue…
If you were asking him, “what do you want?” then this could be okay….
but if it came out of nowhere, his little pied piper shit, well, then…
You will find that we at LF err on the side of, ‘HE SUCKS, GET OUT, NO, HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU”
You are the only one who knows what you really need. There are probably sights out there who would tell you you have a prince. My guess is though, if you had a prince, you never would have found your way here.
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OxDrover says:
Dear R-babe,
LISTEN TO KIM! All he is doing is trying to lay a guilt trip on you cause you aren’t giving HIM what HE wants—BOINK! Babe, right square on topo of the head! Now you get your stuff straight and quit feeling guilty—-OR ELSE!!!! ((((hug)))) if you want an ice pack for your flat head, see if Gem will get you one or Janie! Tonight I am just flatening skulls, not doling out the ice packs! ROTFLMAO ((((hugs))))
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robxsykobabe says:
Lovefraud friends:
EB:
ok, ok…so that text was from when we first broke up in June and began to talk again in August so he WAS trying hard to get back with me. It is true though that if there WAS closure in the normal sense of the word, there is a great chance that we WOULD be talking again…and Id be sucked right back into it. Not a healthy relationship=abnormal departure—YOURE RIGHT! And I need to remind myself that this was NOT healthy…although I do know it, sometimes I feel all the ‘good’ that he showed was real…but I know it wasnt.
Kim:
I did re-read, and you are correct-it is all about him, not unlike alot of our relationship. His wants are not enough for me which was exactly part of the problem…I too wanted things from him…like honesty, truthfullness and loyalty. He has NOTHING to give me, you are absolutely correct, in fact, I have the house, the money, the car, all the ‘normal’ things ‘normal’ people have so it doesnt surprise me that he would ‘want me’ to ‘want him’ with NO expectations…
Feedback I would love…
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OxDrover says:
Ok, R-babe, you are off the hook, I’ve stopped swinging, you are talking sense now! Of course he would want YOU, he had NOTHING ELSE, like honesty, truthfulness, loyalty, nnone of the things a normal good person has—-and he is reaping the “benefits” of having nothing to give!~
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kim frederick says:
And by the way Robsx, who the hell wants to be loved TOO much and held TOO tight…what the hell does that mean?
That is his way of saying that he wants YOU to be obsessed with him….if you are, he has all the power….
then he can go do what he does and be secure in the knowledge that he’s got you. I can’t stand him, already.
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robxsykobabe says:
Ox:
Yeah, he had nothing to give except his bullshit lieing, manipulative, conning game. Funny, though, when he was trying to win me over, he would come to my house every weekend with a ‘gift’…candy, flowers, card, whatever. Those were the ONLY things he had to offer me when all I wanted was for him to be a good person…like I was. How juvenille, right?
I love ‘reality therapy’ in case you were wondering! I seem to respond well to it!
So, I know Ive posted about this recently, although I still need to ‘process’ it…since having NC, Ive thought about him quite a bit. NOT so much that I want to call or see him, but just about his ‘situation’ since we’ve been done. After trying so hard the first time after our breakup, I expected some attempts from him to contact me…and that has caused some anxiety. Well, he hasnt contacted me nor has he tried. Im wondering…had he not moved onto his next victim during our first breakup and thats why he tried so hard to get back with me? Has he moved onto his next victim, maybe sooner than I thought, which is why he HASNT made attempts at contacting me OR…and this is a big OR…
Is this a mind game…sorta like “Ill let you squirm a bit, and hold out on contacting you”
I DONT WANT HIM TO CONTACT ME…its freaking me out though as he is supposed to get his license back this month…fully or just for work…and Im feeling anxious…
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robxsykobabe says:
KIM:
OMG…Im cracking up cause I THOUGHT THE SAME THING when he sent that to me…
Who the hell wants to be loved too much and held too tight! And you are absolutley right…and I had an ephiphany because of it…
He wanted me to be obsessed with him and give up everything, everyone and my life to dedicate it soley to him-so he could feel like he ‘had’ me and do his own shit! And that DID NOT happen…which frustrated him…and he didnt know what to do because he ALWAYS had the women right where he wanted them….
THANK YOU!
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robxsykobabe says:
Kim:
By the way…he wrote those things out of the blue without having any encouragement from me…and then when I didnt give him the response he wanted like “omg, Im so sorry…anything you want Ill do” he replied with ‘well, if you dont think theres anythign you need to change, then we already have a problem because we are right back where we started from’. What a dick head loser…
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ErinBrock says:
What does he think you are…..A ZIT?
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kim frederick says:
EB, did you listen to my links? Do you remembe way back to the Grass Roots?
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ErinBrock says:
Yes…I did….
But….UH…..remember Grass Roots….WHO????
Loved the song though….
Queen was my HS era….and LOVED The song!
I’ve decided….I’m going to download a nice selection of Warrior songs, kick your ass songs etc….and play them day and night on my outdoor speakers….surround sound in the yard…..
I think it would be hilarious if he showed up to dig and the lily Allen song was playing on repeat….
the F you song…..
Thanks for the links Ms. Kimmy….
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witsend says:
Hey guys…How is everyone tonight?
Kim for what it is worth I remember the Grass Roots. I am trying to remember some of their hits.
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kim frederick says:
Hi Witty, I was trying to post a link for, “Where were you When I Needed You”. Remember that one?
It’s nice tosee you Witty, but I have tosay, I’m done for the night….I’m tired. Hope all is well with you.
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hens says:
Hi Witty – Has anyone seen OneStep here lately?
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geminigirl says:
Dear TB, Ive totally lost the thread with your blog, re your daughters Birthday. I posted a response to it, and now Ive lost the thread! Can you help me find it? Love, and {{HUGS!!}} Gem.XX
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ErinBrock says:
No…..she said she was going to take a break….she had a deadline to finish a job…
I hope she’s okay….it’s been a rough go for her lately.
One….we luv ya girly!!!
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ErinBrock says:
WITTY,
How are you????
I’m 2 3/4 months away from 18!!!
Things have been on an ‘okay’ front around here…..could change at any moment…..llike we all know!
I do think about you Wits…..hoping your getting some peace.
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karleigh says:
Dear Oxy, I’ve never posted on this site before but I’ve followed it for a very long time and it has helped me so much. I too have had a dreadful relationship with a sociopath (a murderer who is back in prison after I worked for years to get him released – sound familiar anyone?)
I could write volumes about my experience, his behavior,my co-dependence, etc. etc. but I’m sure it has all been written before. It fills me with shame to admit to it, but thanks to reading others stories, I know I am not alone. It has taken me three years to climb out of the black hole I fell into when he was taken away. However, before he was about to be arrested I found a still, small voice whispering inside of me. It whispered ‘Run!’ It was the voice of survival. To continue with him was to die. I’d had it and could not take any more. I was the one who turned him in to the police and his parole officer as he was violating his parole by a return to drugs. (How’s that for drama? I got him out and I put him back in.)I was one terribly confused woman after all of this. It seems that the sicker he got the sicker I got too.
He is still in prison, and although he made initial attempts at contact, and then another try a few months ago I have maintained No Contact.
Oxy, I don’t know if he’ll ever get out of prison. His initial crime was horrific and it was just a loophole and a hard working advocate (me) that got him released from a life in prison. It appears they have thrown the book at him now and accused him of lying about many things. He may contact me again hoping I’ll get reeled in and work on his legal case again, I don’t know and I don’t care. I can’t, for the sake of my sanity, ever enter that arena again.
But I do have a question that has nagged at me for some time. I could write a letter to the Parole Board telling them many things they don’t know regarding his twisted behaviors (and this would give them even more cause to keep him in.) This feels like revenge to me and I know he would try to even the score somehow through one of his ‘friends.’ It also feels like I would be sinking to the level of the sociopath, himself. I have written the letter over and over but never mailed it. I discharged so much anger just in the writing.
Would there be healing for me if I sent it or would this just be a source of anxiety for me? I think I already know the answer but just would like to hear from some others.
I am so much better than I was three years ago. I seriously doubted my own sanity and my ability to cope was practically gone. Now, aside from troubling dreams sometimes, I can get on with life and make much better choices for myself. I have not gotten this far without extensive therapy and copious reading. I had so much to learn about myself and why I fell into the swamp the way I did. It was a lesson I guess I needed to learn to give me the new-found wisdom I now possess. And yet, still, there are moments when his face will flash into my mind and I feel the old compulsion to be with him. I think, from the progress I’ve made so far and from reading others’ stories that it will just be a matter of time before this stops. The dreams….well I don’t know when they’ll stop, I guess some part of my mind is still processing, after all he downloaded his dark and disordered thoughts into my brain for seven years.
Thanks for listening.
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ErinBrock says:
Karleigh:
WELCOME TO LF…..
You sound like you ‘got it together’ girl…..and are well on your way.
I’ve not been in Your shoes…..and your post wasn’t expressed to me…..
But I wanted to welcome you to our support here.
XXOO
eb
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shabbychic says:
Karleigh, hi there, Oxy will probably see your post tomorrow, I don’t have experience regarding your question, just wanted to let you know I’m out here thinking of you. That small voice inside of us is amazing, isn’t it? I am so happy you listened to yours!!! : )
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witsend says:
ErinBrock,
I was wondering how things were going with your son. But I hadn’t seen you post anything about it and figured no news was good news.
My thinking is if the disturbing behavior/traits that you see in your son isn’t consistant, and CONSTANT turmoil going on 24/7, that is GOOD news.
And if he shows any willingness to do something that you ask of him, or listens to reason in discussions (even if he doesn’t always follow reason) that is also promising.
Examine his relationships with others. (his peers) Does he have bonding type relationships with others?
What are his plans when he turns 18? Does he have any?
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OxDrover says:
Dear KARLEIGH,
I am so sorry you got mixed up in this mess—-And boy do I EVER know how you feel. When my X-son (a P) came up for parole last time, my egg donor hired an attorney and I got every person in the county it seemed that knows us to write letters of recommendation for US since they had never known patrick, that we would give him a job and a good place to parole to….yea, right!
His crime, murder of a 17 yr old girl, was pretty bad, and our package to the board was EXCELLENT so it got him a 4 year “set off” before he could go back to the board for another chance at parole (5 was the maximum they could have given him) Well, guess what, he already had his Trojan HOrse psychopath in place here just in case, supposedly to take care of and manage the farm, the family and our finances, until he could get out and then he would be “captain of the ship” and take over the management…which would of course have been with my death and then his grandmother’s death (leaving “them” plenty of money to play with) and an airport and a nice farm on which to play.
However his co-captain that was taking care of things let the cat out of the bag, and I figured things out—and when I wasn’t able to do anything legally, I ran which threw a wrench into their plans as I had to (for legal reasoons) die FIRST before my mom did or they were S.O.L. about any money, so the co-captain changed plans and took off on another path that got him arrested and the entire plot shot, along with letters found that layed it out.
For the past two months, I have been going through the letters that my P-son wrote me over 200 yrs in prison, and the ones he wrote to the Trojan Horse Psychopathic pedophile over a period of 7 years or so since they were former cell mates—-the TH-P saved them all! How convenient, and they included their plots and plans for him coming up here to rent a house from me, and infiltrating the family, even to him going to church.
I’ve gone through these, made copies of some of them, hired an attorney and will send them and a letter off to the attorney for presentation to the parole board at the time of his review.
All I can say though, is gete someone who DOES NOT know about this case to read yhour letter before you send it. That was the reason I hired the attorney, I SOUND LIKE A NUT CASE when I try to present it all and I have to be SANE sounding when I talk to them in my letter.
YOur letter must sound rational, reasonable, concise, precise and give them the information in a way that they can be warned that he is a bad actor. I would suggest you spend a couple of hundred bucks for an interview with an attorney to do the most good and YES, SEND IT. Get it on record.
BTW convicts are NOT allowed to know who testifies or writes the board for them or against them.
I’m assuming you helped this guy get out on some sort of technicality and instead of him straightening up, he started drugging again. TYPICAL.
My guess is though that there is a CHANCE he will eventually get out again, and if he is psychopathic like my son, he will be PISSED since you turned him in and got him rearrested.
My son still bears me a grudge about me turning him in from when he was 17 and robbed our friend’s business and shut it down for quite some time. The last person who “ratted him out” was shot in the head twice for her efforts and her body left in a field to rot.
Un fortunately, I think the way our prisons and our “criminal justice system” is (now there is an OXYMORON if every there was one) run, even if a kid went to prison innocent of any crime, by the time he got out, he would be a hardened criminal with a PhD in criminal ideas and methods, and bitter and beaten. Or he would be a predator himself.
Even the people I have know “adjust” to prison and become “felonized”—there is a book, called “The Felon” which is a research book on the ideas and thinking of prisoners after a while and after they adjust to prison, I can’t remember who wrote it but I get you could fiind it on Amazon…their thinking while they are in there is this magical thinkingn of how when they get out they are going to get a great job, a great playboy bunny chick, an great ride, a great apartment, etc. when the REALITY is they can’t get a job at Micky D’s and any woman who will date them is likely to havej only half her teeth and she is NOT going to model for any magazine nude or even with a sackk over her head. Life is boring, go to a menial job, come home to a dump, probably alone, take a bus to go anywhere, and then go to bed and start over the next day—booooooring, and no fun. No money to have fun with, no friends except the ones met in the joint, probably no family that wants them, so the slide down to more crime is fast and almost predictable. If they are psychopathic it is INSTANT return to crime.
I read that book years ago as a way to help me educdate myself about how to SAVE my son from adjusting to prison in that way—-sheesh, was I ever DELUSIONAL!!! a DREAMER! Writing my own fairy tails!!!
Send that letter to the parole board, hire an attorney to present it if you can (find an attorney who specializes in getting the OUT on parole and he will know also how to KEEP them in, and be acdquainted with jthe parole board personally so he can TALK to them as well as present to them at the hearing. USE every possible way to keep him in there! Make sure you are notified if and when he comes up for parole again, there should be some victim’s group connected to the state that would warn hyou when he is to come up for parole or when he is likely to get out. BE CAREFUL. They have long memories. ((((Hugs)))) and my prayers for you and your safety. Hang around here and read and keep on reading and post. There are always folks here to help support yuou!
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style1 says:
This post resonated with me because of the use of the word suffocated.. That is how I felt with mine.. He was attentive, caring, told me how beautiful and now much he loved me and dd things for me and I felt suffocated. I told him that.. I didn’t want to get any closer to him.. I had the feeling that I would actually stop breathing or that he would suck my breath out of me. Lately I have had some nightmare like dreams about him. A year ago is when we broke up or rather I knew for sure that I could not be with this man. That he was not good for me.. no matter how much he professed his love for me or how good we looked together as a couple or how helpful he was around the house.. he was leading me on a path to nowhere and it was making me sick and it always did even from the beginning.. it wwas too much, too soon, too fast and going nowhere good for me.
SUFFOCATED… he was sucking my life out of me.. trying to make me over in his image.. his spiritual twisted lost image.. and I wasn’t buying what he was selling…
Had I let him, he and his whole family would have dumped their neediness and dysfuction onto me and I would’ve been lost and not able to breathe. I wouldn’t lost me to make them feel more whole…
SUFFACATED.. if I ever feel that again .. I will run…
I used to cough when he would kiss me.. I would get a tickle in my throat.. When he wasn’t here .. I was fine.. he would try to kiss me and I would cough.. my whole being was rejecting him.. and while I heard myself and did hold back.. I should’ve never let him into my life….
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hens says:
Exposing a Sociopath is risky behavior. They don’t like being exposed. Sometimes we have no choice. But it depends on who you talk too. In my case I spoke too someone who knows him and agreed with my opinion, but wasted no time in getting that info back to the Sociopath. And that is why I got an unexpected visit after a year and half no contact. As he had always threatened me before with ‘i will rock your world’ if you become a problem…So I dont want to antagonize something evil and unpredictable. There is no getting even or gettin revenge on them. Now I am not saying we should live in fear of them but until we out live them be cautious and carry a big stick.
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witsend says:
Hi hens,
how are you tonight?
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knowledgeempowers says:
No doubt about that! As he got worse I told the xP I had bought a gun, that we have the right to bare arms here. He asked what the gun was for and I told him so he can put himself out of his misery!
I do think deep inside thye are in misery. I always felt mine was anyway, like some internal struggle going on, not just about controling others but about himself. He knew and admitted his life was sh*t and while he would talk about that couldnt seem to do anything for himself to better it. I honestly dont think that was the pity me thing either, I think he truly felt it.
I mean what drives these ppl anyway? is it because others have better lives? others can take control of their lives and do things for themselves? others can feel love and genuinely know how to show it? Maybe its pure jealousy to some extent, that they can never be what others are and that helps drive their evilness? I just dont know.
I do know that I never want to live through another one of these kinds of relationships and find myself on high alert to these traits in others. So much so that the other day a male coworker who appears to be liking me a little too much said “you like me dont you” (I dont think it was relationship like?) and something about how “charming” he is. redflags for me, maybe really nothing but those words struck a cord. I responded to neither, I have barely talked to him. But the first time he ever saw me I was the only one he made long prolonged eye contact with, it was one of those that sent sparks. But since hes said these things I am being so cautious.
How can you know for sure? I dont want to be over cautious and push someone aside that could be genuine but also never want to go through this again.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
hi hens – doxie’s are ballsy. one of my mom’s took on a deer. silly boy.
just wanted to check in and let people know i am okay. kind a. hope to be back soon.
xxooxxxo one step
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witsend says:
One step
Glad you checked in…i been thinking about you and sending you good vibes.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
thanks again witty. your note was what spurred to come here and check in.
one step
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witsend says:
hens,
I think I need one of your dogs for a watch dog. My big dope of a dog barks every day at children that walk by the house and we live right by a school so these kids walk past every day. He barks at me every time I pull in the driveway. He barks at my older son when he pulls in the driveway. any of my friends that come over on a regular basis. He barks when they pull in the driveway.
My car wouldn’t start today and two complete strangers that he has never seen before pull in the driveway in a big loud tow truck. He jumped up to look out the window and watched them the entire time hook up my vehicle and pull it away. Never even made a sound!
Now what is wrong with this dog? Do you wanna trade?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
witty – it’s the gin.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
night night.
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witsend says:
hens,
How bout your sons pit bull? will he trade me?
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witsend says:
hens,
Lol…I really like pit bulls. But I am not a good dog trainer. My dogs always end up spoiled. And I think pit bulls need to be trained well.
Is your son a good dog trainer?
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witsend says:
Hens,
I couldn’t trade my dog. He has those soulful sad eyes. Thats why he has his very OWN wingback chair in the living room.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Henry,
For goodness sake KILL THAT NASTY POSSOM, relocation my butt! They are NASTY DISEASE CARRYING CRITTERS! YUK!!!
We have to make sure to keep the lid on livestock feed, cause if they get in it and pee, they carry a nasty neurological disease that will paralyze and kill a horse etc. NASTY, DISEASE CARRYING, Carion eating horrible critters!
Hope your Doxie survives, they are tough little dogs!
Well, folks, I am DONE!!! Got it all copied, organized, wrote the letter and DONE!!!!! The attorney can take it from here on in!
Had a great BIG salad for supper, with lots of raw veggies and even a little bit of chunks of ham in it! WOW! Dieting is okay! Loved being able to get into my black jeans even if they did have white dog hair on them! My Jack Russell has both black and white hairs, so he can SHED ON ANY COLOR and SHOW UP WELL! I think that dog sheds 24/7 and instead of dust bunnies, I have DOG BUNNIES under the furniture and around the base boards! Oh, well, now that the foot locker full of letters is done, I can clean house! Maybe I can stuff a pillow with the DOG BUNNIES I sweep up! TOWANDA FOR ME!!!!!!
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witsend says:
hens,
I am partial to boxers to. I was actually looking for a boxer after my first dal died. But my friend found this dal at a shelter and of course I went there to see him….Well I couldn’t leave him there. I wanted to bring all the dogs home.
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witsend says:
Oxy,
You go girl. Yeah we got a bunch of that black and white dog hair here to. After I sweep (wood floors) there is enough hair on the floor in a pile it looks like a small dead animal is lying there. LOL
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witsend says:
hens,
I love the way boxers look. They just have that “look” about them. I never had one but always wanted one. They can be a handful to train, or so I have been told.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Henry,
Silly man! There are just some things that DESERVE to DIE, and they go spreading disease every where they go, to say nothing of just plain UGLY! YUK–but enough of talking about Mike, how about talking about possoms? My great grandfather used to eat the nasty things! He would trap them and put them up in a cage for a week or two and feed them clean food, then kill them and my great grandmother would roast them. GREAZY NASTY THINGS I never could stand to smell them cooking even and I was a little kid. Like BIG RATS, but I guess if I was hungry I might eat a lot of things.
Yea, I feel like a great huge big heavy load has been lifted off my back. Did I say I feel light as a feather? So many times I started to throw those darned things out and I am SOOOO glad I didn’t now.
Funny thing, I have read them, at least some of them, probably 10-15 times each, and I am STILL finding “new” things in them that I never “saw” before. Things are making so much SENSE to me now that I am not filtering the content through the eyes of “MOTHER LOVE”—and instead looking at them the way I look at the possoms, just like nasty critters that have a musty funky smell and are uglier than sin!
I’ve seen these TV shows on other people’s TVs (with cable) that are the “Inside SUPER-MAX” type reality shows, that show convicts inside prisons and how they behave and look, etc. and you know, I can SEE my X-son-P in that through his letters, see him behaving like they do, see him being coarse and crude and repulsive, instead of being the well mannered bright guy he was before he morphed into a low-life convict.
But that “vision” doesn’t make me sick to my stomach any more, it doesn’t make me shudder with revulsion that my SON is living that way, IS that way, it is like a disconnect now. I think maybe this whole episode, as painful as it has been, is a kind of closure that I didn’t truly have when I “buried” that box with the “little boy” in it, I think I finally got my closure. Maybe I’m just fooling my self but doggonne, it sure FEELS LIKE REAL CLOSURE. No pain. No sadness. No sorrow. Just GONE!
I don’t even feel anger at son C any more, just I can’t trust him, just more indifference than anything, like I feel about the X-BF-P—shrug shoulders here—hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is the opposite love. I don’t want to hurt anyone (well except maybe Henry’s X LOL) or anything, I just want to go on living my life.
ps Henry, you ARE TOO NICE! (((hugs))))
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geminigirl says:
Dearest Oxy, Im glad too, that you have all that paperwork behind you, and Im also glad that you have finally closed the chapter, and the lid on the box. Its very hard to get closure, you taught me that, we have to make our OWN closure. I think your doing great, and Im your No.1 fan, I have learned and am still learning so much from you. NC IS the only way forward, I know that now. As the weeks and months roll on, I think less and les of my spath daughters, but it also means Im prob not going to see much of my Grandkids. My SIL promised to bring them over Xmas or N.Year,–didnt happen. I now see he is not any more reliable than my daughter, and now Ive proof he is a liar too, and cant be trusted to deliver . he is also Narc. I suspect, but not a spath, I dont think.Anyway, TOWANDA for us, all all on LF!! We are all special! Love, and Hugs, and good luck with the dieting!! Mama Gem.XX
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geminigirl says:
Oxy, If you can wield a cyber skillett, I am sending you a cyber cupcake with fresh cream and pink icing! hell, not one,-a dozen! I hope you enjoy them!!YUM!!! ENJOY!!!
Mama Gem.XXX
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ErinBrock says:
Oxy, I’m glad you’ve set that bird to fly.
What a release for you!
A lot of work…..but filled your head with more healing…..in the process!
Congrats…..
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ErinBrock says:
It’s my once monthly rant…..
I HATE MY PARENTS!!!!
Why is it they call right as I’m hitting my monthly cycle?????
WHY do I even oblige them with answering????
I’m banging head on the wall…..
Is anything changing EB…..NO…..why, do you expect it to????
I know better…..I HATE THEM!!!!
I realilzed the denial I was raised with, and disposed of in my own life……and I know I can’t control thier denial…..but it fuckenig pisses me off when I ‘hear’ it……over and over and over……
I was offended by the conversation…..
They dogged my sick Uncle….were vicious and cruel in their statements about him……and other family members that are struggeling to care for him…..as if they were not doing enough….
I listened with my ‘filters’ on…..and heard the buck passing and anger towards my aunt and uncle for leaving their vicinity and moving 8 hours away….
I heard them go into a diatribe about how A & U would NEVER come /rush to their aid if they were in Uncles position…..they would abandon them…..
And I heard how they sooooo go out of their way for A&U, visit them, arrange for special vacations yadayada……as if they are the kings of respit care…..
I’m listening to their martyr speach…..as if they have soooo gone a huge distance…..THEY havne’t visited A & U in like a year??? They have traveled together…..but they all get pleasure from that…..
ANd then….as I’m listening I thinking…….WHAT THE FUCK DIDYOU DO FOR ME…your friggen daughter……when I was sick? JUDGE ME, TAKE MY KIDS, AND ABANDON ME……..
I was sickened and angered by this call…..AGAIN…..
And it ended in a standard…>DENIAL way….
When the kids came up…..and I said….they don’t trust you…..this is why you don’t hear from them……they immediatly remmebered they had somehting to do made excuses as if to cut me off….
I told them to fuck off and take their denial with them….and hung up!!!
I am so angry……I need to unleash these emotions, go NC and let these toxic people out of my life……the only way I can end it is to NOT PARTICIPATE……kill them off in my mind…..they are dead and don’t exist!
Sorry….had to get this out…..
Not much good tonight……sorry guys!
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