Dealing with the root cause of the problem
PDF By Ox Drover
One of the first things I learned in nursing school was to correctly diagnose the problem before trying to fix it. I wish I had applied this lesson to my own personal life as well as I applied it to my professional life.
We were taught that when there was a perceived need, for example, when the patient was feeling short of breath, to assess why the patient might be feeling short of breath. Was the airway obstructed? If the airway was clear, then what was another likely cause of the problem? Sometimes a patient who is very anxious will feel very short of breath when they are actually getting plenty of oxygen, (as measured by a “pulse ox”—a little gismo that you clip on the patient’s finger and it tells you how much oxygen is in the patient’s blood). Or they will say “I can’t breathe!” when they really mean, “My nose is stopped up.” (If they are talking, they are breathing!)
So I was trained to look at and evaluate the situation, and only then to start to evaluate a plan. Once I had a plan, I was trained to carry that plan out, and to reassess if the plan was helping or not. Just good common sense.
Sometimes victims feel a perceived need; they feel that something is wrong with them. They are “hurting” and unhappy, but they aren’t sure what the problem is, or what is causing the pain and unhappiness. I have been in that same situation; I was hurting from my relationship with the disordered personalities around me. I had a need for love, I had a need for caring from those whom I cared about, but my need was not being met, therefore I felt “short of breath” but didn’t know what was causing my feeling of “suffocating.”
In my pain, in my lack of “oxygen,” I tried everything I could think of, almost at random, and nothing seemed to make me feel any better. I kept suffocating and like a person drowning, I flailed my arms at anything that floated by that might give me support.
I begged my abusers to help me, told them how I was suffering and suffocating, but though they told me they loved me, and I wanted to believe they loved me, their attempts to explain my pain as my own fault didn’t help me. I tried the things they suggested, but nothing worked. No matter how I tried to please them, I always failed.
The punishments they inflicted on me for my failures didn’t make me feel any better either, and I continued to spiral downward until I was critically ill. Still they didn’t seem to perceive how I suffered, or lend me any support.
One day, when I was critically ill, totally beaten down, with barely an emotional “pulse” and in more pain than I had ever imagined was possible, I realized I had not been using “common sense” to stop my downward spiral. I realized the only way I could stop the pain, stop the progression of my life’s downward spiral, was to use the good sense to diagnose the real problem before I started to fix it.
If a patient had come to me and said, “My foot hurts,” I would have looked at the foot and if I saw a thorn, I would not have said “well, let’s give you a pain killer to help your pain.” I would have removed the thorn, the obvious cause of the problem, before doing anything else. If the problem had not been so obvious, if perhaps the foot was tender, red and swollen, I might have taken a blood test to see if there was an infection. I would have asked if the patient had a thorn in there a few days ago, or if they had fallen, or dropped something on it. I would have worked my way down a list of questions that would have helped me get to the real cause of the problem. I would not have just thrown medication at them without knowing what the real problem was.
Why did I try to fix my own pain without finding out what the root cause was? How did I think the “shot gun” approach of just “shooting off in some direction” was going to help me to feel better, to get my life back on track?
Once I backed off and looked at specifics, looked at what the pain was, and what was causing the pain, and realized that as long as I did not take care of the root cause, did not remove the “thorn” from my foot, all the antibiotics in the world would not cure the problem, all the pain killers in the world would not stop the pain. The problem would continue to get worse if I did not take care of the cause of the problem and remove from my life the things (and people) who were inflicting the pain upon me, the infection that was killing me by inches.
Sometimes, the “cure” for our pain involves very extensive “surgery” to remove toxic and malignant “tumors” from ourselves, it might even involve “amputating” someone who is so dear to us we can’t imagine going through life without that person. I had to “amputate” my psychopathic son, and my enabling mother, both of which were traumatic operations for me, and for a while made me feel as if I had no legs, and couldn’t walk ever again. I have found though, like the Bible says, “If thy hand offend then, cut it off” is pretty radical but good advice, and sometimes cutting off a member of our emotional “bodies” is the only way to survive.
Surgery and medical treatment is sometimes painful, and we may want to delay “treatment” because of that potential pain, but I am here to “testify” that life without the malignant people is much, much better!
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
geminigirl says:
EB, Im so sorry that you have been so upset by your spath parents remember what the Lord Buddha said,
“Walk on!”
And Christ called them”Whitened sepulchres, full of dead mens bones!” he also said.”let the dead bury their dead, shake the dust off your sandals, and Walk on!”
You will NEVER change them, I have brothers like this, they are in total denial. According to them,Im the crazy one, because I dare to tell the truth, and they cant hack it!
Dont allow them to take up any more space in your head!
Love, and {{HUGS!!}} Gem. Oh by the way, you are also sent a dozen cyber cupcakes,{totally non-fattening!}XXX
(Report abusive comment)
shabbychic says:
EB, I am sending positive thoughts and energy your way. I wish I could say something that would help. I like what gem said… walk on!
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
Thanks guys…..
Wow…..let the tears roll…..(I think that was a Cars song from the 80′s)?….oh yeah….it was good times roll…..
I’ve been in tears…..like major….
My son came in and just gave me a very insightful lesson on family and his view of me.
He said….I care too much.
He’s never met any person who cares as much as me…..
So….I always thought that would be a good thing……according to him….it’s NOT!
I can’t let the world dictate how I love and care……
I NEED to change my fantasy of my view of others……
WHY is it too much to ask for someone in a family to ‘have your back’……I THOUGHT THIS WAS NORMAL familial behaviors……
He says I just need to vapor lock em….poof…..
I just don’t know how to do this? Poof…..
I’m more of a processer than a poofer…..he says I think too much. (I’d have to agree with that)
Ofcourse…..today of ALL days…..with the S in town…..and the parents calling……and other worries…..I MUST GET THE MONTHLY HORMONALS TOO!!!!!
SHit!!!!
My son seems to think my grieving is taking too long!
Little does he know….I’m just getting around to the parental grief gig…..HA!
Funny this is all coming from a teenager……
It scares me to hear him think of family as disposable……I understand it, because this is what has been done to them……it’s just us now…..out of 2 sides of extended family….it’s just us! How sick…..
Just 5 years ago….we’d have 26 family members staying at our home…..for the holidays…..
Now…it’s just us…………WHAT THE FUCK DID MY KIDS DO TO DESERVE THIS ABANDONMENT>…..
And they justify it with….an I don’t give a shit..POOF….VAPOR LOCKED!
But I do!
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
I am going to bed…..because I DO KNOW…..
Tomorrow will be a new day…..
Night night and thanks again to you all for your support!
XXOO
EB
(Report abusive comment)
blueskies says:
Erin:(xxx I hope you are doing okay.
I agree with what hens said ‘they think we are crazy, they even convince us that we are. But we know better now.’ I wonder if you feel similar to how I have been feeling:( I am sorry if you are… once you have your ‘filters’ on you cant tolerate sitting and listening to it without feeling the stress they emminate with their BS that somehow once you were able to absorb:( That you refuse it is surely a healthier thing!
the anger needs to come out but I for one hope to walk away from that ASAP too.
I think you cant do anything but remove yourself from it (… its scary(well it was for me) and isolating…especially with family…but I have nothing to do but keep walking.
let the parasites slither away.
Much love to Erin B.xxxx
(Report abusive comment)
kim frederick says:
Good morning, EB. I hope you got a good nights sleep, and are back to your usual kick -ass self!
I’m sorry you had a @$#%&# up day yesterday, I’m hoping today will be better.
Here’s a bit of good news: the monthly hormonals eventually stop. Mine have, and I’ve never felt better!
I wish I could promise you parentpause, soon…but alas, that is out of my hands.
(Report abusive comment)
kim frederick says:
Hey, I just thought of a good one. Whenever we feel emotionally triggered, we could say, we are going through psychopause. Yes, that’s it.
(Report abusive comment)
learnthelesson says:
EB-
Good morning to you!
Just want you to know, I become the most reflective and insightful during my once a month time too! Oh and I cant forget to mention sensitive and all over the place and extra exhausted and hungry etc.
— but somewhere in the throws of it all — I make the most sense and learn ions during that time of the month.
But I do look forward to what Kim shared above! You had a moment last night that youre entitled to – its called feeling your feelings and getting out what youre feeling… we have to do that sometimes or it just builds up. hope youre feeling ok today. Until you sort out how you want to go forward… Mark your calendar (DEF NO ANSWER PHONE ZONE) during the days you know your ability to deal with their bullshit is off limits during that time.
And remember you dont need 26 family members to make beautiful meaningful memories – you and your kids have eachother and the love and closeness of these times together far outweigh the stress and dysfunction of time spent with ” less than healthy” family members pretending together.
You can care about others and them too. Its the boundaries you have to have firmly in place. Speaking of teenagers, my middle daughter has a gf that is making poor choices, boys, drugs, alcohol — but my daughter said to me ” but she is one of my best friends – I know how to be friends with her mom — I just make sure we get together a few hours after school – she is ok to be with then . I just dont ever agree to go out with her at night — during the day we go to Starbucks or do homework and she is normal ” I know how to be friends with her.” So I said WHAT kind of friendship is that? where you have to be aware of “how to be with her/when to be with her” — how is that true friendship? She said, its all I can offer her, I like her, but I dont like her choices, so I found a way to still stay friends with her a few days a week, during the day only. I dont like her choices at night and on weekends.
I felt conflicted for my daughter. Seemed like all the makings of a toxic friendship. Even for my daughter to have to “concoct” “premeditate” a way to be friends. But she was protecting herself and tyring to find the balance. All in all life is just so complicated. We all can just try to do our best, know our limits and set boundaries — and follow them to best of our ability. Live and learn.. But by the time I will have learned all I need to live — I ll be dead. Why cant it be learn and live??? And why cant we get all of our lessons under our belt by 30??????
Im pouring tea for you and I made brownies for kids yesterday soooo..im setting your teacup and brownie plate out right next to me for a good old fashioned pick me up mornin!!! Its that time of month for us EB!!!!!!!!!!!!! xoxooxo x(((HUGS))
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear EB,
Back “in the days” when I still had those monthly melt downs (Ah,yes, the memories!) it was almost as if I would be irritable and it took that irritablity to make me stand up for myself. LOL Of course, once the “time” passed, so did me being irritable and I got into my “rational door mat” pose for the rest of the month.
I think you said a mouth full though when you said you need to go NC with them. I know KNOW it was difficult for me to even realize that NC with my “family” was POSSIBLE much less, DESIRABLE, it just was UNthinkable really.
But when I finally considered it, (that hurt) and then DID it, (that hurt more for a while) I am now coming out of the FOG, the FEAR, OBLIGATION and GUILT.I am no longer FEARFUL of her “lack of love” or “withholding love” and I no longer feel guilty because I didn’t take care of her in her old age, she TOOK my legal ability to do that when she canceled my power of attorney—so I’m out of the F.O.G. and it feels GREAT!
EB, getting these people out of our lives and heads FREES us, and is like a weight lifted off our back. Sure it is a bit of a pain to finally DO it, to ACT on what we know is right, but gosh, in the end, it FREES US from another TOXIC weight on our backs. ((((hugs)))))
(Report abusive comment)
witsend says:
Erinbrock,
The thing is that when it comes to family, it is hard to wrap our brain around not having contact with them. It seems un-natural to even do so. It kind of goes against what we have always thought….
However, that said…There is no one out there in the world that can “hurt” us in the SAME powerful way our family might continue to hurt us if we allow ourselves to never make the changes necessary, to stop it. Once and for all.
Sometimes that does mean N/C. The other option is to search your soul to see if you can detach emotionally from them enough to the extent where you just simply engage with them on your terms. And your terms only. They cross the boundary you walk away, hang up, whatever. To get to that point of emotional detachment though, with your family of origin is very, very difficult.
And possibly the only reason you might even consider it would be if you believe that your kids DO get some benifit from your parents being in their lives. If you don’t believe they offer your kids something positive and you know they don’t offer you anything positive, then N/C would actually be a better choice.
Of course the other choice is limited contact but it seems that is more where you are at right now.
It is hard to let go of family. Because when you let go of them you are also letting go of so many of the false beliefs.
Many of these false beliefs we have had for our entire lives.
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
You are all so very right on!
THANKS!
That’s what I have wrestled with…..the ‘family’ part…..
It’s unnatural…..but so is the way they treat me…
Limited contact isn’t working for ME….and what makes me angry is is seems to work for them…..they are the ones happy with just having any contact withme…..but NOT being the parents I expected/wanted/needed….
So…..why am I continuing limited contact if I’m not reaping anything but continued reminders of WHO they are, pain and frustration..?
I’m at NC Point now!
I won’t do this anymore…..I can’t!
Thanks for the love guys……it’s very comforting to know there is somewhere to come to express the good the bad and the ugly!!!
XXOO
EB
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear EB,
I was raised that “family is EVERYTHING” and that protecing the public image of the family is EVERYTHING and that we had to do whatever it took to protect that image no matter what. That family could crap on you, and you could not even resent it or get angry without risking “GOING TO HELL!” That this angry god who knew all your thoughts would ZAP ya if you even THOUGHT anything different. You had to NOT QUESTION this—OR ELSE.
There were times when I was SOOOO angry withh my egg donor that I would refuse to speak to her for months or years, like when she let my P son come to live at her house to “give him another chance” because (supposedly) I wasn’t a good parent and SHE was wiser. She took over my child against my will and let him do things I thought were BAD.
I didn’t talk to her for a long time, but then…..well, I got sucked back into her and his web when the cops got on to him up close to her house and were about to arrest him for stealing, so he decided he needed to “come back home”—well, that peace didn’t last long, and she and I were both then in the same “camp” trying to save him when he got in trouble with the law in Florida, she even came down there to try to talk some sense into him. NO AVAIL.
BUT it NEVER EVEN CROSSED MY MIND that I didn’t have to have any contact with her, that I could DIVORCE HER!
I look back now and I see lots of times I had plenty of “justification” to divorce her, just like a cheating husband that did it over and over and over—same with P-son, and each time I would “forgive and forget” and go on playing “let’s pretend we are a nice normal family” and keeping the FAMILY SECRETS from everyone outside the family. Up to 15 years after P-son committed murder when WE were preparijng to help him get out on parole and come “home” we had to admit it to a few closer friends to get them to write letters to the parole board “vouching” for the fact we were a “NICE NORMAL FAMILY” who would give him the support he needed to live a God-fearing, law-abiding life on parole. Even some of egg donor’s “closest” friends though (like the Minister I talked to later to no avail) were NOT told that P-son was a murderer, or even that he had been in prison for 15 years (this time)
Keep that “dirty linen” hidden, pretend everything is lovely! I can’t believe I bought into that crap.
Your parents, in my humble, or not-so-humble, opinion, are just pretending that THEY ARE “Loving parents” to you, a troublesome child. It is all about their DELUSIONS that THEY are GOOD PARENTS. Not that you deserve loving parents, because they are NOT loving parents. It is all a pretense on THEIR part, and if you have contact with them, they can DELUDE themselves. YOU are the problem, not them, of course in THEIR view.
If they were not good parents to you, what makes you think for one minute that they are good grandparents to your children?
That’s the hard thing to grasp! It is against everything we have been told or taught about “loyalty” and “blood” and all that crap! All those FALSE assumptions we go on and can’t figure out why it doesn’t work. Well, we HAVE finally figured out that it is NOT us, and we cannot change THEM, so something has to give. We either have to go on accepting villification or choking down what we know is the truth and pretending it isn’t the truth, and continue to feel bad. I vote we kick’em all to the curb. If it isn’t a GOOD healthy relationship why on God’s green earth do we NEED it? I vote we don’t need it. Just MHO. ((((Hugs)))) and God bless.
(Report abusive comment)
one_step_at_a_time says:
hi erin,
read your above posts about your son and your parents.
your son is young. he doesn’t know some things yet. check in when he is your age and see if he thinks family is so disposable and vapor locking so easy. k? he’s young.
as we get older – as i get older, deal with more illness and difficulty, i mourn more the bs family i have.
i was walking home today and a car went past – thought it was my folks – i turned my head to see if it was – and it was like a stop frame movie….daughter on the side of the road, parents a million miles away in another universe, driving past. it was odd. but i was okay. they is toxic and i don’t need it.
i kicked my sister last fall too. nc with her since july or august. dad since november. i don’t really want to be nc with mom – she is ill, she can’t help her toxicity, but i can’t communicate with his holiness at all, and would have to to talk to her.
i am sorry your family were not there for you – in any way. it is so obvious when we are sick. when i was staying with my folks and taking care of my mom i hemorrhaged. ended up in hospital having a transfusion – my father was packing to go away for the winter – could leave anytime – i called a friend to come get me and take me to the hospital. and dad didn’t even inquire if i needed his help in any way. i was sitting there all bundled up waiting for my friend and he sat there complaining about my poor demented mom not packing quick enough. fucking N. this is a tiny example…nothing like the sort of drawn out experience you had with c, but i felt the searing and severing of it.
and now your folks have the audacity to complain about your A&U. fuuuuuck.
eb – i know it will hurt like hell to let that hope and desire for family fall to dust. but you are strong and letting them out of your life will make your heart safer, oh warrior queen.
i wonder what is in store for us, when we let these things go that we want so much, that are only shells, shadows of what we really deserve. what comes to us then? who do we become, we parentless women? real? do we become real by getting real? if we are not using our energy to hold up a shell, fill it for them and us…..if we let these things go, what will we be?
love one step
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
I need to let that weight just fall……BOOM….
What made me sad about my sons comments was just how ‘normal’ and ‘everyday’ he views this…..
I didn’t want my kids to be abandoned by ANYONE let alone family and take it so cavelier…..but this is all they have known really…..S has always disposed of people….
I got a very interesting call today…..
From S’s uncle…..he basically raised the S…..they used to be very close until uncle met wife…..kids…yada….no longer the cool single uncle…..and pulled away into his new life….S resented him….his wife, his kids…
S always resented his ‘change’ in growing up…..they are about 13 years apart….
Uncle has always had respect for me….I’ve never done anything but been there for them….and his parents….(S’s G. parents.) We have had unlimited business minded conversations….deep, intelectual, power meeting type conversations…..brain storming etc…. the S is an idiot with no vocabulary and no sense…..so all he could talk about was skunk bud etc….His family respected my intelect….
Would call me to bounce off ideas….the S hated this….IT”S MY FAMILY!
So…he was calling to get our address….Grama passed away last week and left a little something for the G. kids….
Funny thing was…..my kids are her great g. kids…..and they get their fathers ‘share’…..he get’s nothing! He always considered himself their favorite g. son….he gloated about this….
HA!
Uncle asks how we are and I said GREAT….In my happiest,smiley mentrual voice!
He says ….how’s the kids….(remember, the kids NONE of S’s family has anything to do with these days)….I said….it’s been a struggle for them…..
They want nothing to do with their father…and haven’t spoken to him in 2 years….and dont plan on it….he’s out of their lives…
He asks…..EB….WHAT HAPPENED?????…..
I gave him the simple version……S’s whole life has been a lie and I needed to protect my kids….as their parent. He’s NOT the person he’s portrayed to ALL of us! He’s NONE of that person. I had to protect my kids.
He goes on to say…..S is an angry person…..
I guess he’s mad at me now, why I’m not sure….
but he’s not speaking to me…..
He’s got real problems.
I simply said……count your blessings!
I said the real problems lie within him…..but he is not cabable of taking responsibility….he will push blame and deflect onto others….
I loved that man and you know, I gave him my best, I tried to build a family…..but HE”S GOT DEMONS!!!
I said, he continues the cycle of his mother/your sister….with his kids…..yet with abuse!
Each generation adds their own signiture to their abandonment.
I’m trying to give my kids a healthy environment…..
I said it was a shame that none of them are in contact with the kids…..me aside….what about the kids?
It was an interesting coversation, he asked , he listened….it was very simple…..but I hung up feeling like ‘he knew’…….
I felt a validation….and certainly a little snicker for the kids…..getting the s’s share of the ship he spent his life waiting for to come in to HIS harbor…..
It was a ‘nice way’ to start the day!!!
Thanks guys….your really angels!!!
(Report abusive comment)
shabbychic says:
EB, I am so glad you felt validated, finally, by someone in S’s family!!!! Great that you were able to at least give the simple version to the uncle. I have a big snicker for your kids! This is so coooooooooool !!!! HAHA to the S.
Oh, last night when I read what your son said “poof… vapor locked!” my very first thought about this was: somebody’s been playing video games!! Typical kid!! Wouldn’t that be great if we could go through life and just zap assclowns off the face of the earth?!! Yeah!
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
I told the kids tonight that Uncle X had called…..various reactions….all negative….
I said….whoa…hold your thoughts kiddo’s….
One said….oh, what, they said sorry, they love us and your sucked back in and we have to go visit……helllooooo Mom….
I said NO…..but I did get a chance to speak a bit of my peace…
AND…..he asked!
I said….he had a reason for his call……
they wouldn’t shut up……each making a negative comment…..
so I just sat there…..finally, one said….okay…..tell us….why he called?
I said…..Your grandmother left you some money……
Oh…ya oughta see the reaction then…..
They said….but do we have to go down and pick it up? I said,No….he’s mailing it……
One said…..I don’t care…..hmmmmm but I do need a car…..it seems sad that I care if it’s money…….can i turn it down….
I said NO….your Grandmother wanted you guys to have it….it was her wishes……
VAPOR LOCK MoNEY…..are you nuts!!!!
They said…….so does this mean S get’s money too……I said…..well actually, YOU ALL GET HIS SHARE!!!!
Oh, the looks on that…It was priceless!!!!
Laughter erupted! THey know when he finds out he’s gonna be pissed his snot nose brats are getting something he feels entitled to……
Yeah…..with the Uncle…..I never went into the Sociopathic speal……I knew I’d lose him…..I had to take it ‘gentle’ as to be heard and didn’t want to come off as bitter, more indifferent about the S and concentrated on the kids…….if I ever see him down the road……that’ll be a conversation for later……I’ll let him read my book!
Timing is everything!!!
Oh…….the reason the Uncle called ME was because he knew I would handle the money in a responsible fashion as the G. parents wanted for the kids……
Shit…..they are his kids and it’s HIS family……why wouldn’t he have been the contact???
BECAUSE THEY KNEW/KNOW!!!!!
No……they contact the ex wife!!! MOI!
Oh……don’t think it won’t be ‘fed’ throughout the family, brother will tell him, because the S’s roll was mudslinger….they would all go to him and complain about each other and he would go and ‘stand up’ for whoever dujour sent him……..and his dickwad/whipped/brainwashed brother…..who tried to proxy alienate me from MIL……fuck him……he’s gonna have to be a bigger babysitter than he knows of…..and don’t think he won’t be on the wrath end of S’s attack mode again….one day…….
Oh, this is classssiiiic!
HA!
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear Erin,
Well, I’m glad that your kids were given some inheritence from the g-grandmother. Apparently, the old lady “got” something or she would have left it to her grandson the kids’ sperm donor. So you might consider that too.
Glad that Uncle X did sort of get it too. Yea, that family will LIVE in turmoil forever, just like your bio-family will. So there’s no need for us to heap vengence upon their heads, they are their own worst enemies.
Congratulations! To both you and your kids.
(Report abusive comment)
Matt says:
Ms Erin:
Loved the story. What I love most about it is how the g-grandmother gave the S a lovely parting gift of “fuck you.” How beautifully she executed it. What’s S gonna do? Go yell at her gravestone?
Been absolutely crazed as I get ready for my move and new job. Painted my place top to bottom in one week. I finally reazlized I was so crazed that I may hold off listing it for a bit, just until I’m sure I’m on steady ground in my new locale. What is it they say the biggest stressors in life are? Job change? Moving? All I know is I”m going through all of them at once.
My friends have been wonderful. Everybody has been taking me out for drinks, lunch and dinner. I am having a hard time with the concept of moving from my home of 24 years – NYC. But, it is a great job. Anyhow, back to filling out the 10 thousand forms my new employer wants me to fill out before Monday.
(Report abusive comment)
one_step_at_a_time says:
Matt – all best wishes!!!
(Report abusive comment)
silvermoon says:
I like to think of him as a Dark Angel.
The results will ultimately be very good for me even if achieving them came under a less thatn pretty stimulus.
He did grant me the favor of it at the expense of my fantasy.
We didn’t get to the part where he was being mean and I didn’t know about all the snealy crap or discover the lies until after he was taken.
All in all I am lucky and I can find some gratefulness for what will come of it for me.
I hope that it buys him some grace somewhere down the line because I can’t fix things for him and I can’t go back.
I can let go with love and let go so that I can go on.
He came into my life for a reason. And his work is done now.
Its time for me to let go.
I’ve been through stuff in the last two years that should have killed me stress wise.
But you know what they say: He who is born to hang will never drown.
Good to be in the pond with all of you!
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear Silvermoon,
I loved your post, and I am glad that you can see the UP side of this dark cloud!
If you have been under a great deal of stress, which takes its toll on our bodies and our minds, the best thing I think we can do is to keep the STRESS IN OUR LIVES DOWN to the lowest level possible for a year or two.
The hormones released by high stress do a number on our thinking, our ability to heal (our immune systems) and lots of parts of our bodies. Taking time to keep changes to a minimum is the best thing, I think, for ourselves. Avoid anything that will upset us, and that includes ALL people who do not give us peace and love,
Like Matt, going through the stress of leaving his long time home (BIG STRESS) and changing jobs (ANOTHER BIG STRESS) he is looking at the BIG picture about “maybe this job won’t work out and I might need to come back to my home) so he is place ready to sell, but hanging on to it for a little while longer. He’s taking time to spend time with his good friends as well even though he is busy getting ready for the new job and the move.
He is already in a good solid relationship, but if he were not,, NOW would NOT be a good time to start one because new relationships are always stressful even if it is “good stress”–
It takes TIME with low stress to over come times of high stress, so we say here BE GOOD TO YOURSELF! Problem is, many of us have never done that, or don’t know how, so it is a learning process too!
(Report abusive comment)