After the sociopath is gone: No Contact begins in my head
PDF He was arrested at 9:14 am on May 21, 2003. It was a sunny, blue sky morning. The birds were fluttering and twittering in the trees. The river flowed lazily by, meandering through the forest, dappled with sunlight, sparkling, clear.
We were in hiding. Had been since February 26 when we’d fled the city we lived in 1,000 miles away, heading west, heading to the US, he’d said. “I’ve got money there,” he insisted. “I’ll just leave this mess to my lawyers to fix. No sense hanging around waiting for them to get it cleared up. I’ll let you go once I’m out of the country,” he promised.
Like all his promises, like everything he’d ever said and done, it was all a lie.
On that morning in May, the lies fell apart and he was exposed. Two police officers walked in and took him away. “Are you on drugs?” one of them asked me as I sat, rocking back and forth, back and forth in a chair watching the scene unfold, a quiet, low keen seeping from my mouth. I was catatonic. I was not on drugs.
They took him away and I sat surveying the mess around me, trying to make sense of the mess of my life.
I hadn’t heard of No Contact with the abuser, but I knew after months of no contact with family and friends, I had to make contact with someone beyond the narrow confines of my world with him. He was gone. I had to reach out for help.
I called my sister who lived an hour away from where we had been in hiding. She didn’t ask questions. She didn’t yell or scream at me. She came and got me.
No Contact was the only possibility. He didn’t have my sister’s number and it was unlisted. He did keep calling the couple who owned the cabin where we’d been staying. They called my sister, she advised them not to give him my number. He called my mother. She hung up on him, even though she felt it was rude. “He’s the man who almost killed your daughter,” I told her. “It is not rude to hang up on him. It’s vital to my well-being.”
I didn’t want to think about him but at times, my mind betrayed me. I’d be walking down a street and hear a cell phone ringing and it would be his ring. My mind would leap to thoughts of him. What was he doing? What was he saying? What was he telling people about me?
I posted No Trespassing signs in my mind. When thoughts of him intruded, I’d mentally hold up a sign and send the thoughts back to where they’d come from, my fear, my shame, my guilt.
I knew that one day I’d have to go through the thoughts of him and examine them, but for now, I had to give myself time to grow stronger. For now, it didn’t matter that I had to rid myself of his presence in my mind. That would come later. At first, what mattered most was that I build emotional strength so that I could eventually deal with thinking about him without making myself sick.
In those first minutes and hours and days weeks and months away from him I focused my thinking on me. On what had happened inside of me. On what I had to do to become healthy again.
The police asked me for a statement about anything I knew about his illegal activities. I had to do the right thing to show myself, remind myself; I was capable of doing ‘the right thing’.
I wrote it down. It hurt. I was scared. What would he do when he found out I had ‘told’ on him?
I couldn’t let my mind go there. The monster of him in my head was bigger than the reality of him, out there. Out there he was in jail. I had to escape the prison of my mind trapped in thinking of him. I held up my No Trespassing sign.
Focus on doing the right thing, I told myself.
I kept writing.
To remind myself that I was so much more than that five year relationship, that my life was made up of so many other important things than just ‘him’, I made a list of things I’d done in my life that I was proud of. Being a mother topped my list. “What kind of mother are you really”, the voice of self-denigration whispered. “You deserted your children.”
I posted STOP signs in my head. Whenever self-doubt, negative self-talk invaded, I held up my STOP sign and consciously reframed the negative into more loving words. “I am a courageous woman. Yes, I did something I never imagined I would ever do as a mother. I was very, very sick. And now, the poison is gone and I am healing. I can make amends. I am reclaiming my life. I am courageous and growing stronger every day.”
I kept adding to my list of things I’d done that I was proud of. In Grade five I raised $122.00 for a charity by walking 21 miles. I was an honor student. Got a scholarship. I ran the marathon. Wrote a play with a group of street teens and produced it.
My list reminded me that I was capable of living in the world beyond the narrow corridor of his abuse. It reminded me that I was a competent, caring human being.
At first, I wanted to cry and cry and cry. At first, I did. And then I knew I had to build emotional muscle, to build my willpower. I gave myself a time limit for crying. It began with ten minutes on the hour, every hour. That was when I let myself cry. The other fifty minutes I had to do at least one constructive thing (Work on my resume. Phone about a job interview. Take a walk.) to take me one step further on my healing path. The ten minutes every hour became eight and then five and then only every two, then three, then four hours. Eventually, as I kept doing more and more things to take me on the healing path, I forgot to cry.
At first, I wanted to tell everyone my story. Talk about what he had done. How hurt I’d been. How confused and scared and lonely. At first, I thought everyone knew what I’d been through just by looking at me. Couldn’t they see the scars? Couldn’t they see my pain? I couldn’t understand how the world could be so normal. I needed to embrace its normalcy. I enforced No Contact in my speech. I could not talk of him. I could not tell the story again and again. The only time I had permission to talk about him and what had happened was when I went to an Alanon or Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting. There, with the safety of the 12-steps empowering me, I could speak up and give voice to my pain, my fear and my hope.
The greatest danger wasn’t contacting him. He was in jail. My greatest danger lay in thinking about him. In remembering those gentle moments where I had felt his ‘love’ embrace me.
“It was never love,” I reminded myself. “Love doesn’t almost kill you.”
I kept working at No Contact in my mind. Good times or bad, thinking of him wasn’t healthy for me. I kept my No Trespassing signs posted. My STOP sign handy. Over time, it became easier. A cell phone ring wouldn’t startle me. My body wouldn’t jerk suddenly at the sound of a car backfiring, or a door slamming. I wouldn’t cry at every turn. Sit in silence immersed in sadness. Thoughts of suicide were arrested before they even saw the STOP sign in my mind. I was building my will to survive. My will to rejoice in living life fully every day.
In time, it became easier to live without the fear I would always be the abused woman I had become. In time, it became easier to live with the possibility of life beyond his abuse, beyond the lies he’d told me about who I was, what I could do, where I could go and who I could never be. It became easier to believe in me. It became easier to talk, about him, about what had happened, about what I’d done to betray myself and those I loved without falling into despair. It became easier to love myself, not as an abused woman, but as a woman who had the courage to face her fears, to turn up for herself and love herself, exactly the way she was. A woman capable and confident enough to let go of abuse and claim her right to live freely in her own skin.
I was an abused woman. Today, I continue to grow and heal, to love myself for all I’m worth and to give myself the space and time to let feelings flow through me without having to stop them.
Today, I give myself the grace of loving myself enough to know, I am okay. The things I did that hurt those I love, and me, are nothing compared to the things I do today to create a beautiful life all around me. I am not measured against what happened back then, my value is in what I do today to make a difference, in my life and the world around me.
Today, he was just a moment in time, a small segment of my life. He has no value in my life today. My value is in how I live, what I do, say, how I think and look at the world through eyes of love. Today, my value is in me.
written by M.L. Gallagher • Permalink •
Twice Betrayed says:
Henry: I would say in response to your question was my brother gay…after all the years and understanding many things…yes, he was. I believe my mother accepted it [and kept it quiet in the family]…as long as she did not stand the chance of losing him to a female…she doted on him…and it cost him dearly in many ways…… [my mom cared very little for the girls in the family].
Sky: I don’t know if Twain was a N or not. I just like his quotes and writings…I find them to be true about life in many ways. I also like Will Rogers’ quotes…..
(Report abusive comment)
Twice Betrayed says:
Henry: you make a good point…jaded. You know….at least for me…it’s been a rude awakening that Prince Charming is probably [notice I said probably...bwaahahahaha...ever the Princess I am...ahahahahaha!]not going to come along and may not really exist.
Kinda like Bob Segar {
(Report abusive comment)
Twice Betrayed says:
having posting problems….lost several posts and appears the bottom part of the last post is gone too….sorry.
(Report abusive comment)
kindheart48 says:
hey guys, i just went through my worst nightmare like i haven’t had enough already. I don’t know if any of you rem but back while in the trauma/addcitions program i was on a weekend pass and was convicted of theft under 5,000 as i took a sample of aveeno off a bottle as well as a sample of lipstick . I was in shock but honest about this has been an ongoing thing throughout my life and on some level i was releived but extremely remorseful. i rem the police officer was very perplexed as to why i would take such things an d not meat and i thought why meat. i went back to Homewood facility and immediately told the doc who headed the progam and through alot of observation and honest y he came to the conclusion that i was a kleptomanic with ADHD concurent disorders along with ptsd, Stockholm anyway alot of overlapping issues going on and he explained that the impulse to take insignificant things as i would take the bare minimum was to releive anxiety. He also said not to expect anyone to understand this issue and all through the court dates etc. i ‘ve had a great lady from Mental Health as well as my phsichiatrist helping me. At my last court appearance with a letter from my doc in Homewood along with letter from my shrink saying im keepig scheduled appts. etc. and explaining the impulsivity etc. and the medication that im on, the judge agreed to diversion without a record. Then today s im thinking im just going to meet with area manager as protocol to getting back to work as longerm ins. has ceased due to my doc feeling that work would be beneficial to me. I got ther and there was a man from Corporate Security , tape recorder on etc . and im asked to read diff paragraphs of the Cod e of Conduct fo r the bank so i complied thinking what is this all about and part of the code of conduct explained that i was to disclose any charges even without a conviction etc. something of which i did not know , nor was i encouraged by anyone drs. etc. to do such . My worst nightmare has come true. I was terminated on the grounds that i did not disclose this information , all after i went through hours of trying to do my best to explain this condition etc. being honest as i know they had no prior awareness of the mental aspect but the decision was already made. They listened as i tried to explain as best as i could why i think i do these risky things , and it doesn’t even releive the anxiety as it just fuels more . The doc. in the Traum a program told me that he felt i had an overconcsience, so all of this probably sounded like crap to them but it was the truth. I know i can barely understand the dynamics behind it so how could they or why would they . According to the area manager even if i had disclosed it would have been the same result so this is just their justification for dismissal. She also mentioned that a customer reported it. I tried to tell them that i excel in sales when i put my mind to it(part of beingadhd very people person) and i know i have capabilities but it didn’t matter. I beleive in my heart that it wsn’t a customer as i was just told week before that they ask about me all the time, i think it was this sick girl i’ve mentioned helping in AA or the twisted guy she was involved with as they had me over for coffee approx 10 months ago when they had all the material shit going etc. (now bankruptcy and house in forclosure) and i confided in them. The reason i think this is this has happened to me before in AA when someone has contorted what i’ve said and then scared me into thinking they were going to contact my employer so this i feel was bound to happen. I have no proof but my instincts are telling me and i know how sick and envious some of the people are and now im paying the price. This for helping someone else. Im sitting here thinking what on earth can i do now. i went off work to get the help i needed to find out i no long er have an income or benefits. I’ve been dealing with or should be still dealing with lawyers over my grandmothers will , my court crap and now this. I don’t have money now for all the lawyers i need and im not sure i even have any grounds as there is no union where i work etc. I’ve been a teller on and off since i was 18 , marrying a banker and taking diff jobs at diff banks while he worke d his way up the ladder. Then divorce and i waived his pension, stocks etc. and now this. Im paralyzed as i’ve cried for the whole time i was in the office, they had a trauma counsellor but he was just there to prob make sure i didn’t do or will do something stupid. I keep thinking, i quit drinking something i thought i could never do , tried like hell to get help for diff issues and now i don’t know where to even put the blame. yes i took this aveeno sample and i’ve gone through so much stress, with my dad dying , sociopath and contact, my weight has plumeted, i don’t know what to do next. All this because someone took it upon themselves to try and make my life hell. I don’t know which way to go, what doc, what on earth can i do now, we are in a recession and all i’ve ever done is banking. love kindheart
(Report abusive comment)
kindheart48 says:
i feel like i was interviewed literall y by the CIA i was so caught off guard. There isn’t much i think i can do and im sick just thinking of what this really means, i don’t even think it’s sunk in yet. why does it seem like i make more trauma for myself, one aft the other, self sabotaging when im trying to be a better person. kh
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear Kindheart ((((HUG)))))
Oh, sweetie, I am so sorry, but unfortunately, businesses are not in the business of “helping” employees that have problems, and that is just the truth of the matter. The fact that you were HONEST is a good thing, even though, you got slapped for it.
I know this is another BLOW to you as you try to pull yourself back together, and “chit happens” but at the same time, I know that you have learned a lot and you are STRONGER now than you think you are. Right this minute I am sure you feel TOTALLY OVERWHELMED and FRIGHTENED and so on, it probably seems like the total bottom has fallen out of the basket in which you have “all your eggs.”
TAKE ONE MINUTE AT ATIME—breathe in, breathe out! Call your counselor and/or your shrink, and get some real live support! We are here for you, you know that, ,and I will keep you in my prayers. THIS is a TEST, another hurdle that you CAN and WILL overcome….YOU CAN DO IT. I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT! Even though right this minute you may not feel like you can do it. (((((hugs)))) and my prayers, I will be thinking about you and sendin gyou positive energy! Hang on!
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
Kindheart,
You did the best you could, now you have to find out why it wasn’t good enough. I’m not going to mince words, I’m going to tell you the truth: You are not a very good judge of people. You are too open, too nice, too trusting. You have to use a bit of your inner psychopath sometimes. (just a tiny bit).
Look, when you took the aveeno sample, that was wrong. I’m not going to tell you it wasn’t and I’m glad that you are getting counseling for it. But it doesn’t help for the whole world to know about it AND the reasons why. That is your own personal stuff and it WILL affect your reputation for people to know. So, it’s too late now to change your story, but in the future, if you make a judgement mistake, just leave it at that. You made a mistake. It was a sample. You misTOOK it. You can share the personal stuff with us because you are anonymous but keep it to yourself, otherwise. From now on, the reason you took it was because you thought it was a FREE sample, you were mistaken. I mean, to me, a sample is something you don’t pay for. Don’t tell people you took it because you have PTSD. I hate lies, but some truths are nobody’s business.
(Report abusive comment)
kindheart48 says:
im sitting here bawling not sure what to do next or what to think and yes sky you are right im much to trusting and open with people as i was today with these two people but the decision was already made. I feel like what little i had left of my identity is gone as this is all i’ve known since 18. no pension, no package, nothing for all my years and i know it hasn’t even hit me yet or maybe it has . I’d like to start all over but don’t know where to even begin. Im worried about my son as i told my youngest who has kown of the situation all along, he is like me very emotional. My eldest would disown me completely if i told him as he’s in military and thinks nothing like me(fortunately he’s like his dad) and is so honorable and honest he wouldn’t understand any of this and i don’t want to embarass my kids anymore than i have already. I feel intuitively that it is this guy who has destroyed this other girl who was sitting on my doorstep a few days ago fresh out of detox as he saw me in court whilst he ws trying to have contact with this girl after having her charged with battery etc. I feel he is even more diabolical than the socio i’ve been with but i cant’ prove anything and nothing left that i can do. I made an appt with my dr. and my physichiatrist for next monday as i know i will have no benefits so the whole ppoint of the trauma/addic program and the medications i was put on will be futile. Im not wanting to go to meetings anymore and haven’t for awhile now as i can’t give back what i don’t have and im just plain wary and on some level i dont think that there is any point when i can’t trust anyone . This has been a recurring theme for years now where i felt that different people , usually the sickest had some bone to pick or misinterppreted something i said and i felt threatened but i kept going. Now i just don’t want to expose myself anymore yet i know it’s a proven fact tht i need the meetings. love kindheart
(Report abusive comment)
witsend says:
kindheart48
The hardest things we do in life we do alone. You have “faced up” to alot about yourself recently and this has left you feeling sooo very vulnerable.
Take ONE DAY at a time. Just as you learned in AA. Facing more than that right now is just to overwhelming.
Go to meetings. Now is not the time to stay away. JUST go with knowing that YOU need some help right now……And that you are to vulnerable to extend your helping heart to others.
AA meetings can be a wonderful healing place but are also full of drama queens and preditory males seeking new victims. Everyone at the tables is not necessarily there for the same reasons.
Find someone with sobriety that you actually do respect and ask them to be your temp. sponsor. Go to the meetings for the right reason. Gain back your strength and your self esteem.
If you can get sober you can do ALOT more than that. (you are strong
And you have shown that you can stay sober even during a crisis. So you are doing something right when working your program. Give yourself credit for this!
Now use that strength to clean up the rest of your life…..In the past when you have posted it always seems that you have these people in your life that create extra drama. THOSE people you don’t need. They suck the life right out of you.
Being overwhelmed makes it very hard to stay focused.
I think you need the meetings more than ever right now. Because you have alot to deal with. Try and SIMPLIFY as much as you possibly can. Maybe just pick two things initially to focus on. AA meeting and your recovery & Looking into what you might do to find some work.
That is enough to deal with right at the moment.
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
kindheart,
OK, this is no different than what happened to all of us here. we made mistakes because we were too trusting and open. But we are here because we want to learn to be different.
I wasted 25 years on a psychopath and my life is STILL in danger. But the point is to LEARN from it. LEARN what you are doing wrong. LOOK at yourself honestly. Read books.
You know who I would talk to? Your son in the military. He sounds like he is safe and won’t backstab you. Don’t cry or use a “pity me” tactic. Tell him you want and are willing to listen to an HONEST and FORTHRIGHT evaluation of what you need to change about yourself. Tell him how hard it is to see yourself and that you need guidance. Then, drop any ego or attachments to your ego and listen to him.
When a door closes another one opens, so keep your ears open.
(Report abusive comment)
kindheart48 says:
yes i feel alone more than i ever have at this moment, almost a surreal feeling like how the hell did this all happen. I made an appt with my phsyciatrist and my gp for next monday and i don’t know what they can do and i also left a message with the lady from mental Health who helped me through the court proceedings etc. hoping she can help. I can’t beleive how one person making aphone call has impacted my life to this extent. I know it doesn’t matter but im convinced it was not a customer, but this guy who has messed up the girl i tried to help. Why on earth would i want to subject myself to these people , i’ve lost all faith in mankind. kh
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear Kindheart,
I know you are in pain right now, but the thing I DO see is that you are seeking to find someone to BLAME—this guy that back stabbed you, or that woman who was jealous—the bottom line is that this is a CONSEQUENCE of something that YOU did….and it is not a good one, it is a BIG HARD CONSEQUENCE, but the ONLY person you can lay the “blame” on is yourself, and that means STEPPING UP TO THE PLATE AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for this consequence.
I agree with Wit that you need someone to trust to talk to, and you need to WORK the 12 steps not just “attend meetings” and accepting responsibility is part of working that program.
I am very sorry that you are in this pickle, sweetie, because it SUCKS canal water, but the FIRST STEP in getting things back together is to get out of denial and DO SOMETHING positive for yourself. DO THE THINGS YOU ALREADY KNOW to do. I agree with you, you have sabotoged yourself, but which ever person who “told on you” isn’t responsible for the consequence, you are.
My P-son sits in prison now for murdering a young woman because she “snitched him out” about some illegal things he was involved in….but as far as he is concerned, I AM STILL THE ONE TO BLAME BECAUSE HE IS IN PRISON because I called the cops on him when he was 17 (years before the murder) he does NOT accept responsibility because he is in prison, or because he robbed or murdered, he instead places BLAME on others for “snitching” him out, not accepting respnsibility for HIS ACTION. I agree that your loss of your job and so on is a BIG price to pay for some aveno samples that you took, but that is the FACT of the matter. Sometimes there are some TOUGH consequences for some “small” bad choices we make, which is why, we must make better choices today and in the future. HANG IN THERE GIRLFRIEND, YOU CAN DO IT,, I know you can, if you can quit drinking, you can get your chit together all in “one sock” so don’t give up, don’t quit on yourself. I hve CONFIDENCE in you! (((hugs)))) and my prayers for you!
(Report abusive comment)
kindheart48 says:
i feel like osmeone literally sucked all the energy out of me. The whole Corporate security guy and tape was a nightmare, i didn’t know if they wanted me to fess up or where it was all going and all i could do was try and be honest with them but i knew they wouldn’t understand. I know it hasn’t even hit me yet i just sat there trying to defend myself which seems to be the story of my life. Wondering if this is a sign to move and start over as all i can think of is to just sit and nt move. Trying to fig out how i can turn this around for some good but i’ve lost all my self worth, and i hate soundin g so dam negative but this is literally my worst nighmare. love kindheart
(Report abusive comment)
kindheart48 says:
yes i agree that this is the consequences of something that i brought on myself but i thought i’d paid the price with all the court proceedings etc. and didn’t expect it to come to this for a sample of aveeno and im not minimizing im just trying to get a perspective on it all when i think im still in shock as i really thought i’d be working at this moment , not going through what i just did. Maybe the shock is better than the reality when it hits as im sure it hasn’t sunk in yet. It doesn’t help that my gf’s and my phsichiatrist all find this too hard to beleive and im not blaming , im jjust saying i would never think to do what people do and i don’t buy the reasons behind it . I’ve seen too much chit and what people do to actually buy that a customer was worried that i would be stealing their money, not as naive as i used to be. It happened and i can’t change it but i’d be very naive not to think it could be someone i know. At one time i would have thought that , not anymore. So i’ve learned something and im certainly paying a price.
(Report abusive comment)
Mr.Buffalo aka Bison says:
kindheart48:
My dear, you have to learn that nobody can take away your self worth. That is an illusion, albeit a really good one. It’s a living, breathing illusion, but it can never defeat the living and breathing heart that is within you…unless you let yourself be hypnotized by your enviorment and situation. Hypnosis is simply when your attention is focused on something, resulting in trance. You are in a state of trance right now, it’s a hellish trance, but like all trances it is self inflicted, yet triggered and encouraged by the outside world and other people who would rather have you entranced in this way. This is a vicious feedback loop, basically the formula is…
Bad feelings + Proof of bad feelings (evidence from outside world) + Feelings of importance due to your “story” + REAL WORLD CONSEQUENCES + Your Own Rationalizations = Self worth destruction loop.
Simply, you have to stop believing that all of this is of any real meaning or importance. Forget about anything that has been contaminated by this incident and move on.
(Report abusive comment)
witsend says:
I’m with you blueskies, feeling pretty tired myself right now.
(Report abusive comment)
kindheart48 says:
mr. buffalo, you are so right on, trance is exactly what i feel right now, like im staring into nowhere, nothing, paralyzed. Thanks so much for post love kindheart
(Report abusive comment)
kim frederick says:
Kindheart, Years ago, while I was in AA, I went to A state run program called vocational rehabilitation and they helped me go to college. Between my grant and voc re-hab, I paid for nothing. They even bought my books and pens and notebooks. That might be something you could look into. I loved going to school. I miss it so much.
Anyway,my point is, like Skylar said, when one door closes…..
Did you absolutly love working at the bank?
Maybe God’s got bigger plans for you……….
Try to look at it positively. This is an opportunity to do something brand new, an opportunity to find out more about yourself.
And I absolutely agree with Oxy and Witsend!!! GO TO A MEETING!!!
Just learn to be more discerning about who you tell what
Save the most personal things for a sponser.
Think about the beautiful butterfly who emerges from the cucoon. Emerge is the root word in emergency.
It might feel like an emergency, but it’s a whole new beginning. I know you’re gonna do great.
(Report abusive comment)
blueskies says:
KH you know that thing, where people come on here and jump in and say nothing about themselves.Its interesting.
you ARE learning:)xx to be responsible for yourself. To be honest with yourself. This is a GIFT. Give your self some time and space, there is no ‘simply’ but you have an ah-ha moment here that you can work on:)xxx
(Report abusive comment)
witsend says:
Thanks Blue….It’s everywhere!
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear Kindheart, Kim has some WISE WORDS for you, and believe it or not, The Bison is also right….we must learn to VALIDATE OURSELVES—-that was always MY DOWNFALL iI let people’s opinons of me, of what I should do, or think, be what I believed.
The fact that you were BLINDSIDED “out of nowhere” is part of what I think you are feeling now. You were expecting to go back to WORK and instead they didn’t inform you they had NO intention of putting you back to work. Instead they sprung a big suprise on you totally UNFORESEEN BY YOU. Which made it not only hard for you, but DOUBLY hard because you felt that they were dishonest toward you—and I think they were not as upfront with you as they should have been, and in the WAY they did it, you felt ATTACKED. I can definitely see how you would feel attacked with the manner in which it was accomplished.
Plus, the ramifications of not only no income but no insurance etc is a big SUDDEN blow also, especially when your EXPECTATION was to go back to work and get on with your life! Things hurt us in proportion to EXPECTATION. vs. REALITY. It was like you were dancing and hit a banana peel and wound up on your arse.
LIFE throws banana peels under our feet though, and try as we might, sometimes we step on one and the next thing we know we are flat on our backs with busted tail bones….but think of it this way, too, look at what you have ALREADY ACCOMPLISHED and be PROUD OF YOURSELF, you have “come a long way, baaaaby!” As hard as it is to accept it, this is NOT the end of the world, and not the end of YOU, you are better than that! You are STRONGER than that, and you will TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOURSELF than giving up! You have the TOOLS to build a NEW LIFE, now get out there and find a meeting, and hang on to the knot at the end of the rope. I know, that’s a trite saying, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t true! ((((hugs))))
(Report abusive comment)
Mr.Buffalo aka Bison says:
Ok, I’m not an idiot. I can put 2 and 2 together. I sense major trust issues here, and that’s FINE. I have them as well, as we’ve ALL been victimized. So, to make everyone comfortable and to keep solving problems the focal point of this blog, I shall introduce myself, followed by some pro-advice. I apologize for my lack of introduction, I’m new to this place.
I’m Mr. Buffalo but you can call me Bison or Bise, or Big Buff…or Mr. Buffalo too is okay. whichever one of those you like. All my life I’ve been surrounded by antisocials and have been victimized financially, emotionally, mentally and physically. I won’t bore you with my story right now, when I give advice I’ll give insight into my story to provide you with evidence as to why my advice might work for you.
Pro-advice: This forum is really good, and it’s healthy. However, I highly reccomend some of you to do the following…
1. Don’t make this whole thing your identity. That’s counterproductive.
2. There are antisocials on this site right now. Be aware. I know who you are too.
3. Victim mentality is for the weak. Stop it immediately.
4. You aren’t special. EVERYONE has been wronged by antisocials at least once.
Cheers!
Mr. Buffalo
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
Mr. Buffalo – Welcome to LF.
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear Buff,
Thank you for introducing yourself.
I agree with you on your “pro-advice” numbers 1-2, but #3 “stop it immediately” is more than a little bit, in my opinion unrealistic, for those suffering from PTSD or other severe injuries, and while everyone may have been abused (to one extent or another) by personality disordered people, not everyone recognizes what “truck just hit” them, so I believe we ARE SPECIAL, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t others who are ALSO special, but we are ‘special,” not because we have been victimized in the past, but because we are taking positive steps to HEAL, not just let “time pass.”
There are many people here in just as many different “stages” of the healing process as there are people here. We (bloggers here) are very aware that personality disordered inivdividuals come here and lurk and post, either knowingly to “pull our chains” or to receive validation for their “injuries” when someone finally got wise to them and kicked them to the curb.
I don’t know just how long you have been reading here prior to your first post, if you have been reading a while you should know pretty well the “personalities” of many of the people here, and how this place works. One of the best and nicest things about this place is the support from some very bright and knowledgable people on the subject of personality disorders (regardless of what you call them—and there is still a great deal of disagreement in the professional community about what is the “appropriate” term—as well as the amounts of contribution between “nature and nurture” in the causation of this personality disorder.) I tend to call them “psychopaths” as that is the term Robert Hare uses and I started reading about them with his book, “Without conscience.” However, I am not offended if someone else calls them ASPD, or Jerks, or arse-holes—-because I am aware that different people have different views.
I am a mouthy old woman, with strong opinons, but I welcome others here, and in fact, Donna (the owner of the site) once called me a “one woman welcoming committee” as when I came here a couple of years ago I DID “welcome” people here, because I think when you post to a blog in a respectful way it is validating to know that someone at least read your post, rather than some clique just “posting around” you and ignoring you.
Most people are very protective of this site, and that includes me as well. If your intention is to come here and share with others in a respectful way, you are welcome as far as I am concerned. The final decision though on who posts here and who doesn’t is donna Andersen, the site owner, and she runs a good ship as far as I am concerned. I suggest though that if you want people to respond to your posts you might want to familiarize yourself with the site by reading some of the articles and blogs. There are in my opinion some great articles here about healing as well as about learning about psychopaths.
(Report abusive comment)
Mr.Buffalo aka Bison says:
Thanks Henry and OxDrover!
What I meant by #3 is not to stop suffering immediately, because it’s not that simple.
“Victim” mentality is simply an archetype, some people like to play the victim because it gives them validation and takes away personal responsiblity in the part that they played.
Manipulation is a 2 way street. I DON’T MEAN THIS IN A NEGATIVE WAY. What I’m saying is that predators and scavengers look for easy prey…prey that leave openings such as…
1. The inexperienced in manipulation
2. The lonely
3. The highly intelligent person who is unaware of their own
value (low self esteem)
4. The “good natured” martyr
5. The poser
etc etc etc etc….
Manipulation isn’t always a deliberate thing. Sometimes needy or inexperienced people who are insecure try to manipulate people into giving them attention or validation unconsciously etc…the antisocial preys on this.
Manipulation cannot live by itself on one side because that just wouldn’t work. For it to flourish there must be cooperation in between both parties on an unconscious level. This is a fact.
Example from my life: This woman was aware that her man was an antisocial. Her desire to be free from social restraints led her to become addicted to the antisocial male. Therefore, to live vicariously through her man, she put up with years of abuse in a perceived “battle” yet the only one getting hurt was her.
She ended up hanging from a bridge, because her man had just beat the living snot out of her, so she hung herself because she had “lost” the battle. She was destroyed by her own ego.
That was just one example. She looked at the antisocial as an “object”. She was attempting to manipulate him to fulfill her own needs and fantasies (which quite honestly could have been fulfilled by a few nights out on the town, just tell her friends not to cockblock and get railed from behind!) and she paid the price.
This is kind of like a rape scenario, the HARDEST part is admitting that sometimes the rape felt good and sometimes you orgasm. Maybe somewhere in the back of your mind you had a rape fantasy…who knows?
My point: The Victim mentality is a crutch. Get rid of it. You aren’t broken, you are stronger than you’ve ever been.
(Report abusive comment)
kindheart48 says:
Ox, thanks for the blog and yes i was attacked and am still reeling from it at this moment . To be honest i’ve had this feeling that i’ve nver fit into the mold in the bankenvironment. I know im not conservative enough or serious enough and i know i should take my job seriously but i was always looking over my shoulder wondering when the next issue would arise. I so enjoyed the people, and the customers and dressing nice but the rest of the job i did not enjoy. It never made me feel good about myself only when i would challenge myself and outsell the other csr’s and then they would say don’t play the game, as they didn’t like that i would make them look bad so icouldn’t win. This lady fr program on phone said she would wait for me specifically as i was only teller she trusted and i know the customers really liked me , all it took was one person. i just talked to my cousin and she’s pretty sure i won’t even get unemployment if my separation papers say terminated. They sure covered their asses, as longterm told me they were taking me back and my longterm coverage was terminated as of today. Lovely eh.kindheart
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
But Buff, what if the victim is a two year old child? How is that child cooperating on that “two-way” street you mention?
(Report abusive comment)
Mr.Buffalo aka Bison says:
Skylar,
I know exactly what you’re talking about. I was that child. A two year old child isn’t posting on Lovefraud.
To answer your question, the two year old baby/infant is cooperating on many levels, THAT DOESN’T MAKE IT HIS FAULT. It just means he’s not aware of how he’s being led to trigger HIS OWN mechanisms in order for the antisocial to gain what he wants to gain. Without the child making his own associations about whats going on, therefore believing that whatever is being put in his ear is his own thought, the attempts at manipulation will only be met with resistance.
He’s cooperating in a different way than an adult would usually do, however adults can and do fall for this stuff. It would depend on the type abuse he’s experiencing, in my case here it is…
Example from my childhood: When I was 3 years old my antisocial step father told me all these horrible things about my mother. I would connect the dots in my own way, therefore cooperating. Soon enough, I have connected enough dots to believe him and the accusations were more than true to me at this point. They were an unshakable reality and the way the world was.
As a 3 year old, whenever my mom would get mad at me, hit me or not do what I wanted, I would think back to what the step dad told me, and he would be right. The more she acted in a way I didn’t like the more right he was. It formed a kind of pavlovian anchor in my brain where I looped his words along with her actions and it would become right and true for me.
This is a form of cooperation. You might not be aware that you are cooperating, but you are. Therefore, now that you have knowledge of these mechanisms, you can prevent them from being used against you.
Antisocials hate humanity, ironically, they are experts at using EVERYTHING that makes you a human being against you.
(Report abusive comment)
sstiles54 says:
Oxy,
I’m getting nervous. Should I be worried about my potted plant?
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
you need to choose another word, different than “cooperate”.
that word has connotations of a common purpose, but you are describing an interaction where each person has a different end goal or purpose (and in the case of the child, there is no goal, just a reaction) or benefit.
the sociopath’s goal is control others, the woman who hung herself was trying to live an exciting life, and the child (you) was simply trying to grow up and learn how to BE. so there is no common purpose, can you think of a more accurate word to make your point?
co·op·er·ate (k-p-rt)
intr.v. co·op·er·at·ed, co·op·er·at·ing, co·op·er·ates
1. To work or act together toward a common end or purpose.
2. To acquiesce willingly; be compliant: asked the child to cooperate and go to bed.
3. To form an association for common, usually economic, benefit:
(Report abusive comment)
kim frederick says:
A two year old child has no choice who is in its’ envirnment, and in fact, every adult is seen as God. It can not discern honesty from dishoesty, and knows damn well it is dependant on the adults around it. The old tabula rosa argument. NO CHILD is to blame for its relation with a psychopath!!
I however, am not a child, and I am. Bye now.
(Report abusive comment)
Twice Betrayed says:
Jeez, I’ve had heck getting back on here. My home computer got the black screen of death and I could not restore it no matter what I tried. I had to dig out a laptop.
Hmmmm, seems we’ve gone into the twilight zone on here. Some of the posts kinda read in the zone of my x hub’s mind set. Someone asked about their potted plant being in danger….I would have to say….it is.
(Report abusive comment)
Mr.Buffalo aka Bison says:
Skylar, thanks for trying to understand, but I choose to keep the word cooperate. Unconscious cooperation is what I’m referring to. There are many kinds of it, literally millions of different kinds of unconscious cooperation. The common thread among ALL the kinds is that THE MESSAGE YOU RECIEVE IS PERCEIVED AS YOUR OWN THOUGHT, THEREFORE YOU DO NOT RESIST IT!
You’re right about it being a reaction, however, you can learn to control these reactions as you become aware of what triggers them in you.
Cooperation comes into play when you unconsciously shape what is being heard/done as “helpful, beneficial or necessary for your overall happiness,well-being or survival”.
Kim fredrick, Nobody is talking about blame. BLAME, WHO’S FAULT IT IS AND WHO’S FAULT IT’S NOT IS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE AND SOLVES NOTHING.
Think solutions NOT victory. NOBODY is blaming a kid for anything.
It’s not the antisocial’s fault and it’s not yours. As human beings you are both weak and subject to influence from both the inside and outside, accept it. Yes, antisocials are just people.
It really doesn’t matter who’s fault it is, because fault finding is a major cause of problems in society. Fault finding is what separates kids from parents, instead of trying to SOLVE problems, they fight over who’s right and who’s “fault” it is.
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
Unconsciously working toward a common goal. Hmmm…What was that goal again?
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
You may keep the word cooperate if you can show me the common goal that psychopath and the child/victim have. Otherwise you are simply changing the definition of cooperate and not updating the dictionary. Or are we in a parallel universe where the definition of words can change on a whim?
(Report abusive comment)
Mr.Buffalo aka Bison says:
I’m not talking about A common goal. This is the human mind, so it’s not all that cut and dry…
Common goals? can be a factor, usually is in one form or another.
It may be separate goals and the “promise” of one of those goals being fulfilled if the other one comes to pass.
It may be just one goal, and the other party is thinking and hoping for something totally different.
Key-word here: Subjectivity. When the mind isn’t totally clear on something, it goes on a search to fill in the blanks. Instead of trying to persuade you logically, any antisocial worth his salt will just be really vague and let you fill in the blanks with your own interpretations, fantasies and so forth. This allows you to accept anything that comes after this process that you may not have originally agreed with to be thought of as “true” because it’s easier for the mind to stay on one path than it is to go from “true”,”true”,”true”, and then “false”.
Logical persuasion can fail because you may not agree, your subjective interpretations are you’re own best persuader.
So, good antisocials just let you fill in the blanks, they let you get yourself all hot and wet and then they just stick it in you all the way in…with no rubber.
(Report abusive comment)
Mr.Buffalo aka Bison says:
Skylar, again, the child and antisocial may not have the same goals. The antisocial is merely appealing to the CHILD’S goal/want/need/desrie etc.. in order to achieve his own.
I can use the word cooperate if I want, don’t be silly
And kim frederick, accusations are not cool. It’s counter productive because blame and fault finding solves nothing. It makes problems worse, it distracts you from finding a SOLUTION. If you’re trying to solve a problem or get over something, fault finding does nothing but keep you a prisoner.
Unless, you just like drama, then fault finding is a BLAST! Still, we’re here to solve problems, not blame mean old antisocial’s or ourselves or kids for them.
Blame and taking responsiblity for yourself are 2 totally different things.
(Report abusive comment)
Mr.Buffalo aka Bison says:
Skylar, I don’t know what you mean by that but this isn’t an intellectual argument. The human mind isn’t defined by dictionaries or books, get out of the academic box if you wish to understand a bit more about what I’m talking about.
Stop looking to others to define things for you. The only thing you should listen to is experience, not what some twat wrote in a dictionary lol.
Now, Unconscious Cooperation. Oxy-moron…nonsensical, insane even…yes! That’s right, but so is the mind.
Your mind, your perceptions, your brain, are NOT the perfect pieces of equipment you think they are. They are highly chaotic and beyond definition. If they were perfect, antisocials wouldn’t be able to “hack” into them so easily.
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
en·gage (n-gj) KEY
VERB:
en·gaged , en·gag·ing , en·gag·es
VERB:
tr.
To attract and hold the attention of
To draw into; involve.
To win over or attract
To enter or bring into conflict with
To involve oneself or become occupied; participate
To become meshed or interlocked
(Report abusive comment)
Mr.Buffalo aka Bison says:
Rosa:
I’m a deeply sensitive person. I love my mother, and we have a good relationship now that we solved everything.
I can love and have loved and continue to love.
Let me just say, that I’ve NEVER been treated the way I’ve been treated on this site on any other forum. Ever. You people think you have the right to treat new people like trash because you’re so scared of antisocials.
(Report abusive comment)
kim frederick says:
Hi Rosa. How are ya?
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
I am trying to keep up here and suddenly I feel very stupid and sleepy…goodnite
(Report abusive comment)
Rosa says:
Hi Kim!
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
Henry,
You should feel empowered!
Go get a good night darlin!
XXOO
EB
(Report abusive comment)
Rosa says:
Henry:
I am with you. Well, maybe not WITH you, but you know what I mean.
Good night, Henry.
(Report abusive comment)
kim frederick says:
Whewwwwwwwwwww, well shall we get back to the issue at hand? Healing!
(Report abusive comment)
witsend says:
I can tell you that when we disagree here on LF,
we act like adults and can agree to disagree. We don’t swear at each other.
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
Now let’s review….
Lesson #1
When someone is rude, confrontational or purposefully undermining, there are ways we can minimize the behavior.
When rude comments fly…… we can simply turn away and ignore it. This encourages the individual to act up more so that everyone notices his behavior.
It’s like a child….if you reward the odd or bad behaviors with any sort of attention, they continue. If you ignore…it eventually stops.
Anti-social people have expectations of how people respond to them….. Anti-social people enjoy the knowledge that comes from knowing they have the power to change a conversation or disrupt a gathering. The best way to handle an anti-social person is to not allow that to happen, ignore it.
(Report abusive comment)
skylar says:
SC,
You got the joke, Nice. I’m glad someone did.
(((hugs)))
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
Lesson #1
When someone is rude, confrontational or purposefully undermining, there are ways we can minimize the behavior.
When rude comments fly…… we can simply turn away and ignore it. This encourages the individual to act up more so that everyone notices his behavior.
It’s like a child….if you reward the odd or bad behaviors with any sort of attention, they continue. If you ignore…it eventually stops.
Anti-social people have expectations of how people respond to them….. Anti-social people enjoy the knowledge that comes from knowing they have the power to change a conversation or disrupt a gathering. The best way to handle an anti-social person is to not allow that to happen, ignore it.
(Report abusive comment)