After the sociopath is gone: No Contact begins in my head
PDF He was arrested at 9:14 am on May 21, 2003. It was a sunny, blue sky morning. The birds were fluttering and twittering in the trees. The river flowed lazily by, meandering through the forest, dappled with sunlight, sparkling, clear.
We were in hiding. Had been since February 26 when we’d fled the city we lived in 1,000 miles away, heading west, heading to the US, he’d said. “I’ve got money there,” he insisted. “I’ll just leave this mess to my lawyers to fix. No sense hanging around waiting for them to get it cleared up. I’ll let you go once I’m out of the country,” he promised.
Like all his promises, like everything he’d ever said and done, it was all a lie.
On that morning in May, the lies fell apart and he was exposed. Two police officers walked in and took him away. “Are you on drugs?” one of them asked me as I sat, rocking back and forth, back and forth in a chair watching the scene unfold, a quiet, low keen seeping from my mouth. I was catatonic. I was not on drugs.
They took him away and I sat surveying the mess around me, trying to make sense of the mess of my life.
I hadn’t heard of No Contact with the abuser, but I knew after months of no contact with family and friends, I had to make contact with someone beyond the narrow confines of my world with him. He was gone. I had to reach out for help.
I called my sister who lived an hour away from where we had been in hiding. She didn’t ask questions. She didn’t yell or scream at me. She came and got me.
No Contact was the only possibility. He didn’t have my sister’s number and it was unlisted. He did keep calling the couple who owned the cabin where we’d been staying. They called my sister, she advised them not to give him my number. He called my mother. She hung up on him, even though she felt it was rude. “He’s the man who almost killed your daughter,” I told her. “It is not rude to hang up on him. It’s vital to my well-being.”
I didn’t want to think about him but at times, my mind betrayed me. I’d be walking down a street and hear a cell phone ringing and it would be his ring. My mind would leap to thoughts of him. What was he doing? What was he saying? What was he telling people about me?
I posted No Trespassing signs in my mind. When thoughts of him intruded, I’d mentally hold up a sign and send the thoughts back to where they’d come from, my fear, my shame, my guilt.
I knew that one day I’d have to go through the thoughts of him and examine them, but for now, I had to give myself time to grow stronger. For now, it didn’t matter that I had to rid myself of his presence in my mind. That would come later. At first, what mattered most was that I build emotional strength so that I could eventually deal with thinking about him without making myself sick.
In those first minutes and hours and days weeks and months away from him I focused my thinking on me. On what had happened inside of me. On what I had to do to become healthy again.
The police asked me for a statement about anything I knew about his illegal activities. I had to do the right thing to show myself, remind myself; I was capable of doing ‘the right thing’.
I wrote it down. It hurt. I was scared. What would he do when he found out I had ‘told’ on him?
I couldn’t let my mind go there. The monster of him in my head was bigger than the reality of him, out there. Out there he was in jail. I had to escape the prison of my mind trapped in thinking of him. I held up my No Trespassing sign.
Focus on doing the right thing, I told myself.
I kept writing.
To remind myself that I was so much more than that five year relationship, that my life was made up of so many other important things than just ‘him’, I made a list of things I’d done in my life that I was proud of. Being a mother topped my list. “What kind of mother are you really”, the voice of self-denigration whispered. “You deserted your children.”
I posted STOP signs in my head. Whenever self-doubt, negative self-talk invaded, I held up my STOP sign and consciously reframed the negative into more loving words. “I am a courageous woman. Yes, I did something I never imagined I would ever do as a mother. I was very, very sick. And now, the poison is gone and I am healing. I can make amends. I am reclaiming my life. I am courageous and growing stronger every day.”
I kept adding to my list of things I’d done that I was proud of. In Grade five I raised $122.00 for a charity by walking 21 miles. I was an honor student. Got a scholarship. I ran the marathon. Wrote a play with a group of street teens and produced it.
My list reminded me that I was capable of living in the world beyond the narrow corridor of his abuse. It reminded me that I was a competent, caring human being.
At first, I wanted to cry and cry and cry. At first, I did. And then I knew I had to build emotional muscle, to build my willpower. I gave myself a time limit for crying. It began with ten minutes on the hour, every hour. That was when I let myself cry. The other fifty minutes I had to do at least one constructive thing (Work on my resume. Phone about a job interview. Take a walk.) to take me one step further on my healing path. The ten minutes every hour became eight and then five and then only every two, then three, then four hours. Eventually, as I kept doing more and more things to take me on the healing path, I forgot to cry.
At first, I wanted to tell everyone my story. Talk about what he had done. How hurt I’d been. How confused and scared and lonely. At first, I thought everyone knew what I’d been through just by looking at me. Couldn’t they see the scars? Couldn’t they see my pain? I couldn’t understand how the world could be so normal. I needed to embrace its normalcy. I enforced No Contact in my speech. I could not talk of him. I could not tell the story again and again. The only time I had permission to talk about him and what had happened was when I went to an Alanon or Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting. There, with the safety of the 12-steps empowering me, I could speak up and give voice to my pain, my fear and my hope.
The greatest danger wasn’t contacting him. He was in jail. My greatest danger lay in thinking about him. In remembering those gentle moments where I had felt his ‘love’ embrace me.
“It was never love,” I reminded myself. “Love doesn’t almost kill you.”
I kept working at No Contact in my mind. Good times or bad, thinking of him wasn’t healthy for me. I kept my No Trespassing signs posted. My STOP sign handy. Over time, it became easier. A cell phone ring wouldn’t startle me. My body wouldn’t jerk suddenly at the sound of a car backfiring, or a door slamming. I wouldn’t cry at every turn. Sit in silence immersed in sadness. Thoughts of suicide were arrested before they even saw the STOP sign in my mind. I was building my will to survive. My will to rejoice in living life fully every day.
In time, it became easier to live without the fear I would always be the abused woman I had become. In time, it became easier to live with the possibility of life beyond his abuse, beyond the lies he’d told me about who I was, what I could do, where I could go and who I could never be. It became easier to believe in me. It became easier to talk, about him, about what had happened, about what I’d done to betray myself and those I loved without falling into despair. It became easier to love myself, not as an abused woman, but as a woman who had the courage to face her fears, to turn up for herself and love herself, exactly the way she was. A woman capable and confident enough to let go of abuse and claim her right to live freely in her own skin.
I was an abused woman. Today, I continue to grow and heal, to love myself for all I’m worth and to give myself the space and time to let feelings flow through me without having to stop them.
Today, I give myself the grace of loving myself enough to know, I am okay. The things I did that hurt those I love, and me, are nothing compared to the things I do today to create a beautiful life all around me. I am not measured against what happened back then, my value is in what I do today to make a difference, in my life and the world around me.
Today, he was just a moment in time, a small segment of my life. He has no value in my life today. My value is in how I live, what I do, say, how I think and look at the world through eyes of love. Today, my value is in me.
written by M.L. Gallagher • Permalink •
ErinBrock says:
REVIEW LESSON #1
When someone is rude, confrontational or purposefully undermining, there are ways we can minimize the behavior.
When rude comments fly…… we can simply turn away and ignore it. This encourages the individual to act up more so that everyone notices his behavior.
It’s like a child….if you reward the odd or bad behaviors with any sort of attention, they continue. If you ignore…it eventually stops.
Anti-social people have expectations of how people respond to them….. Anti-social people enjoy the knowledge that comes from knowing they have the power to change a conversation or disrupt a gathering. The best way to handle an anti-social person is to not allow that to happen, ignore it.
(Report abusive comment)
Kathleen Hawk says:
To add one thing to Erin’s repeated post, report abusive comments. (See the red phrase in parentheses at the end of each post.) Let Donna take it from there.
(I just reported about seven of them.)
This is a support group. If you can’t find anything to support, anything to learn, anything to relate to in someone’s post … well, maybe it’s a good time to practice some of the skills of advanced recovery.
Ignoring, withholding, withdrawing, turning our attention to something more profitable.
I know how tempting it is to play with them. But I also know how determined they are to win to be right. And they don’t play by the same rules we do. And then everything gets nasty, and the more vulnerable of us get upset.
I mean, I’m probably not the most vulnerable person here, and I’m getting a little upset. So please…
Don’t engage. Just report abusive comments, and let Donna take care of it.
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
Fooled again – I always defend the underdog – I think there is a fungus among us.
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Kathleen Hawk says:
skylar, are you really looking for an answer, or just trying to climb down from that high?
Yeah, it’s lots of fun to play with them, especially if we’re competitive. (I am too. I love to play word games; that’s actually how my ex-S first charmed me. He was so impressed by my big vocabulary while we were jockeying for the who’s-smarter position at our first meeting.)
The thing is, they’re not really playing the same game we do. Never. We win a battle, but never the war. Because we’re looking for contact. They’re looking for what they can walk away with, all by themselves.
Mr. Bison made it very clear early on that he was here to show off how smart he was. How many times have we seen exactly the same pattern? He threw in a little “I’m so pitful,” but really all he wanted was to prove that he was the smartest person in the room. And we’re stupid, wrong, misguided, etc.
Once we get the pattern, and most of us get it failrly quickly, the only safe response is withdrawal. If we don’t respond, other people pick up on it.
Occasionally someone will bite, thinking they can “fix” that person. We’ve seen that here too. But if someone wants to volunteer for another lesson in what sociopaths are good for, we can’t stop them. My own perspective is that it’s part of the healing process. To ever get really well, we have to face the fact that these people are good for nothing in our lives.
And what you do with someone who is good for nothing? Shut it out and find something else to pay attention to. Learning how to fight to protect ourselves is part of getting well. But learning how to avoid the situation entirely is much more advanced. Life judo.
Winning with sociopaths is an oxymoron. We can control our losses. But the earlier we stop engaging, the less we lose.
It’s never too late to go no contact.
Namaste.
Kathy
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Kim,
Donna had NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE “COMING” HERE, she just can’t read 24-7, that’s why we have the “report abuse comment” button….I already did that…..
You guys spotted this one early on, I thought (before I saw the first really hateful post) to welcome him, but was still cautious…but looks like this one didn’t even last 3 hours!
RADAR IS DOING GOOD GUYS!!!! TOWANDA!!!
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
Ox I was wrong – again – I just didnt engage. I think he and pianoman are one and the same and one of us – creepy huh? – I promise I wont call saying I am someone I am not…
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kim frederick says:
Skylar?
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OxDrover says:
ROTFLMAO–
I loved the “donna sent me here to test you guys” ROTFLMAO That was a really weak attempt to project the “blame” to Donna of ALLLLL people! ROTFLMAO
Oh, Henry, darlink, yea, we give’em the benefit of the doubt, don’t we…BUT NOT FOR LONG!!!! Funny thing is I could tell he/she/it was trying to “teach” us idiots something, but it did have that “something’s off” ring about it….several others picked up pretty quickly after only 1-2 posts.
Notice how the “love bomb” came through at first, saying how right you were and agreeing with me…get on our “good side” and then throwing in some “education’ about what the term for pscyopaths should be, “very scientific and knowledgable” sounding…oh, well, another one of the creepos comes through and doesn’t cause any real damage.
That’s the thing, I don’t think even though some people engaged, I don’t think any REAL DAMAGE was done, at least I HOPE NOT.
I do think it is a good reminder though that we are “not alone” on this planet, or on this site….which is okay, because personally I don’t care who they are or what they read of what I say. I will not let a couple of creepos take my LF away or make me paranoid.
Good night guys, now that the bad guy is outed I’m yawning for real and going to bed…isn’t it amazing that he/she/it talks about “getting a real life” but doesn’t seem to HAVE ONE except tormenting others? Must make he/she/it feel really superior! LOL ((((hugs))))) you guys, good’nite
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witsend says:
Wow, I’ll say. Lots and lots of red flags. And held himself in very, HIGH regard from his first post until the last.
And now that it is over…….Get back to basics. Healing.
Skylar, I think you should talk about whats going on with your wanting to contact your X. Why are you feeling sorry for him?
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skylar says:
it’s important to keep our weapons sharpened. My elderly P-parents have sharper wits than that guy did. They actually flumoxed (sp?) me the other day in an argument. My exP, who has millionaires and billionaires wrapped around his little finger could never win, so he retreated to the same kind of nonsensical stupidity that this guy used. He doesn’t “believe” in the dictionary! LOL. That’s GOT to be the most pathetic thing I’ve EVER heard as an arguement.
And YES, when I was 15, I did get that stupid Gary Ridgeway, green river murderer to apologize and say he was a horny toad.
LOL. That was not a joke but I will not reveal the details of how that went down.
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henry says:
Skylar – I agree with Witsend – why are wanting to contact this guy? I felt sorry for my X, he was pathetic, homeless and child like. Took me 3 years to get rid of the poor thing and I almost died doing it. Don’t contact this dude, are you serious about him killing someone?
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skylar says:
Thanks SC. I owe it all to chocolate.
Witsend,
I can’t explain it very well. I’m so sad for him. I actually think I understand what is wrong with all of them. It’s beyond sad. My xP depended on me to help him understand life. They are stuck in childhood and I was like his mom, but I didn’t understand what was wrong and I failed to help him and I feel guilty. Maybe u are the only one who gets what I mean. My relationship with him was like a mother/son. for over 15 years we weren’t intimate. It was just something else. I feel like I had a responsibilty and failed. I think I get it now. The story about the little girl and the little boy, explains it all, he was mean because he likes her. He can’t stand to like her. so he hates her. He is sooooo afraid to love. It kills me. I can’t let it go. I’m so scared and sad.
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skylar says:
yeah Henry, he is a very intense person who wants to experience life to its fullest. He believes he is evil. He has a helicopter which I don’t believe he paid for and the guy is dead. I actually understand him better now than I ever have, just from studying and reading.
I always thought that I was the most sensitive person I know. I feel everything so intently. But now I think it’s nothing compared to him. He feels so much that he has to block it off with hate. That’s how he protects himself. 25 years with him and I didn’t help him. I’m not sure what to do. I feel a moral responsibility.
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ErinBrock says:
This morning we had a member that really needed support.
I know this is a public venue and it is open to anyone, and none of us knows who is reading, lurking or signing up.
BUT….I am of the opinion that regardless of who is here at any given time, we should stick to the task at hand……AND that is NOT engaging with a combative, red flag waving, abusivly posting inbicile that is getting theri rocks off at our expence.
What happened to the acting boring lessons, the NC. Along with all of the other healing that has occured thus far?
I personally think this was disturbing and should NOT have been engaged with….and to highjack a thread to this extent was extremely unfair to other LF members….posters and readers alike.
Yesterday, I invited a very important person to visit this site, claiming it was a wonderful support place and a place to learn about the stories of survivors of Cluster B personality disorders.
This is a person who could make a BIG difference in the public awareness forum and in the education of the judiciary.
If that person visited today….I am mortified!
I will continue to do MY part, and in my healing I realize I can’t control anyone other than myself…..
I will have to renegotiate my approach.
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kim frederick says:
Yes Skylar, I have some of the same issues. I remember abuse from boys at the age of 5 or 6, and being told it was because they liked me. Isn’t that a shame? Even in this day and age, with our enlightened culture, girls are still being told that bad behavior is something we should aaccept because, “he likes me”. A man will turn on a woman, in aheart beat, for the sake of the old boys club, because it’s too frightening fir them to align themselves with the “other” (that would be us.) I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “pussy Whipped”. So sad.
It’s as if male psychology pre-empts any possibility of our getting our needs met because they are so afraid of the monster/mother, and it’s so important to hold on to their male identity, that they have, at all turns, to keep us at bay.
I am pretty much over it. I don’t need one anymore. Go pull somebody elses pig-tails…..no. It’s not because you like me…. It’s because you want me, but feel so damned, inferior, not my fault. Do with-out, like I do. Go hang out with the boys and blow smoke up each-others asses………..
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henry says:
skylar – I think that is a tactic of a sociopath, to make us feel responsible. I did not want to be his keeper, I wanted an equal partner in life. I ended up doing everything to make him happy and lost myself in the process. And when I was washed up he found someone new to be his keeper. I do understand why you feel sorry for him, they have that gift, but it is not good, they see nothing wrong with taking advantage of sensitive caring people, I dont think your X is sensitive, just very good at what he does…
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Stargazer says:
Can someone please explain to me what the hell is going on?
I actually enjoyed Mr. Buffalo’s first 2 or 3 posts and found the concepts of absolute personal responsibility quite refreshing. I find it useful to be reminded not to be a victim and to focus on problem solving rather than casting blame. I understood the word “cooperation” in the way it was intended which was to help us as adults assume responsibility for our own experiences. To me, this is an extremely profound message, though it’s difficult to grasp sometimes, too. I believe that we cannot heal until we are able to take full responsibility for our experiences. Notice I did not say for the things that happen to us. Some things we have no control over. But we have choices over our experience of those events. When we realize we chose certain interpretations of life events and certain thoughts and behaviors, we then have the power to change all those things. When I read the part about us not being special, I found that message particularly empowering. In the deepest sense, we really are not so special. We are humans with the same power and potential as everyone else. What is wrong with that message, and how did this turn into a flamefest? Am I missing something? I’m sitting here scratching my head on this one. Why was everyone offended by those concepts and I was not? I’m reasonably sure I’m not a psychopath.
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skylar says:
Erin,
in my defence, realize that while he was engaged with this thread he was not lurking around the people who needed to talk about their vulnerablitites.
But, I do admit that I was narcissistic. I did want to bring him down a peg. it was egotistical of me. I know. I’m guilty. Can I blame chocolate? a little bit. maybe just cuz I need an outllet for my rage? yeah. I don’t know if it was good or bad. It helps some of us heal to attack that sacrifical scapegoat (remember that Kim, from violence and the sacred?) I engaged in the violence. I trust that God had a reason for all the events that transpired tonight. It has had an effect on me. I feel better. I’m in a crisis right now and he got in my way, so i slaughtered him. I’m grateful to the idiot. I’m planning on contacting my xP and I’m very scared, it won’t happen tomorrow but soon. there’s no way around it.
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kim frederick says:
EB, I stand corrected. I am sorry. I did engage. I will try to learn a lesson from it.
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ErinBrock says:
Star:
I too found some(in the beginning) refreshing insight/opinion.
I am of the get up, learn mindset.
It quickly became an attack from both sides and digressed into a personal feeding frenzy.
AND CONTINUED….and CONTINUED…..EVEN after the language and bombs were thrown.
It made me sick.
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henry says:
star I am kinda scrathin my head also – alot of what he said made sense – at first – and then it changed, and the fact that he stayed and engaged with the onslaught told me he was just here to ruffle some feathers – he didnt upset me tho – but months ago when piano man was here he really triggered me and I did engage – i think bison and piano man are one and the same. and rest assured he/she is still reading what we say.
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kim frederick says:
Star, go back over his posts. Very misogynistic and sexual.
Yes, he said all the right things……………He dropped a love bomb. But, yes, I was weak and took the bait.
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ErinBrock says:
As I have said 100 million times and will say 100 million more….
There is a lesson in every step we take….
Today was no different.
There were many here for me too and some I havent’even got yet….I am sure.
In case it has escaped notice…..when LF is operating (us all) in full speed….adhearing to the LF ‘Mission Statement’ so to speak….we have MANY more people pop in and post….with stories, advice or just an update on how they are doing, checking in.
When this shit happens…people disappear.
I vote…the more the merrier and let’s keep it a heathy, healing place to come to for support.
We will never have the last word….so this is a great time to practice self control and restraint and bite our tongues.
When someone comes with ulterior motives….think it….don’t post it. Use that time to work on ‘how’ it makes you feel ….off the board.
We can’t go off attacking each new member, off the cuff…but we all should be aware of the signs….WHEN we recognize red flags….STOP….disengage immediately.
This is growth.
I’ve said my peace.
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Stargazer says:
Gotcha, henry. He could be a troll. But dang, some of those posts were pretty profound. I have seen on occasion here some very profound things said, but misconstrued to be coming from a place of arrogance (and maybe they were) so the message was just tossed out. Sometimes people can be arrogant AND right. It’s one of those ironies. My old massage teacher pissed people off because he was such a know-it-all. But you know, he really DID know a lot, and if you picked his brain, you could learn so much. I saw people here flinging names (psychopath) at each other. I didn’t see a psychopath on either side. All I saw were people getting triggered and a lot of bad and defensive behaviors–on both sides.
Sky, so what if this guy doesn’t believe in the dictionary? What does that mean to you? I did not have the same reaction to that statement. I could care less if someone believes in the dictionary or not. It’s just a book. I’m just curious what that meant to you (and not criticizing at all).
I think all of us have some narcissism. If we grew up with narcissistic parents, we also have some narcissistic traits. Where do you think our parents got their narcissism from? That is the one thing I have had to come to terms with recently–the parts of myself that are just like my parents. It is just a part of who we are and does not define us. Just something we can work on. No one is perfect and without flaws. I think the idea is can we recognize and accept our flaws and try to improve ourselves?
I hope no one thinks I’m criticizing. I love you guys. I’m just trying to understand.
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timeheels says:
k i read the mr.buffalo thing yall are talking about and it seems to me that this fella is actually pretty smart. it was all very zen buddhist philosophy with some really good psychology kinda thingy. i think that the flamers were just felt threatened. im surprised nobody said that yet! there was a lot of truth in what he said. psycho or not. seriously. i just think that some of you got offended because he was painfully honest and you want to still be the victim. i also think some people couldnt handle his confidence or radical thinking so they felt they had to knock him down.
im not takeing sides. just saying. should mr.buffalo stifle his knowledge because some people cant take it…i dont think anyone should at all.
i srsly doubt psychos have as much insight as mr.buffalo did.
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timeheels says:
i agree with stargazer 100% i hope he comes back. most likley one of the most insightful posters in a very long time.
what he was talking about came to pass. ppl really dont want to take responsibility for anything at all anymore they want their story and their victimhood. all he was talkin about the ego was demonstrated here with flying colors.
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Stargazer says:
I also wanted to respond to Kindheart who’s had a really rough day. KH, I’m so sorry you were blindsided today. I know it really threw you off center.
From the bank’s point of view, they are in the business of protecting people’s money. They do not know who you are as a person. I’m sure you can understand where they’re coming from from and forgive them. I remember once on a job application for a convenience store, they asked if I ever stole anything. I was completely honest and told them I used to shoplift small items as a teenager. I was disqualified from the job on that basis, even though I’m a completely honest person and would have never stolen a dime from them. They are just doing their job. It is NOT a reflection on who you are as a person or what you are capable of. Sounds like a really sucky day though. You can get past this and move on.
As far as untrustworthy people, you are learning to sharpen your radar for people who are not trustworthy. It’s a process. You are learning who is safe and who is not safe to open up to. You are getting there girl! Ain’t none of us perfect. Please please go easy on yourself. If you can find any humor in this, it may help you.
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geminigirl says:
Skylar and kim,Im sorry but I think its SICK sick sick to engage and play cat and mouse with someone who is so obviously{after a out 2 posts} a narcopath. I think its just plain stupid to engage with them at all.Its like dancing with the devil.Dont forget these people get their rocks off on being insulted and led on .What are you trying to prove? remember, if you lie down with dogs, expect to come up with lots of fleas!!.I personally think T,{now gone, thankfully}, pianoman, and bison are one and the same.And sky, what is the point about bragging about your contact with gary ridgeway? You were lucky you werent killed.Erin is right, we should all just report these freaks,NOT engage.I know I did it too, but all this shit re “pinky doodle” what is that?Skating on thin ice, peeps, these types always think they have won, so why engage?And what are newbies here going to think? Just when we all thought it was safe to get back in the water,after T, another shark labelled B appears!Grey rock it is! Love, gem.
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
What Buffy fails to realize, is that this site is about hurt, broken people helping and supporting each other. His comments when affronted were vicious and finger-pointing. Just not at all what any of us would write.
It’s not that it’s impossible to say anything helpful, or even profound, without deep feelings, it’s just that this site isn’t about dictating to others what’s right and helpful, or even defining them.
Lovefraud has had some weird opinions at times, and yeah probably been a bit “paranoid” once in a while. BUT, and this is a big BUT… this is a support group. We aren’t here to call each other names or diagnose each other. We’ve survived other trolls and sociopathic posters before. They always, without fail, get bored. There is no “food” here for their egos. We all have their number.
Now you all don’t be making too many excuses for old Buffy. He’s been pretty disrespectful of the members of a site that he’s brand new to. And he’s not sticking to issues but instead using personal invective. So let’s not be afraid to call a spade a spade, ok?
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timeheels says:
hey kat o nine tales
since wen is tellin it like it is disrespectful. and whats this about him being “new”? so just because your a longtime memeber gives you more rights than him? haha so hes supposed to just take abuse from other users? no. again ppl are just mad that this guy was intelligent and wasnt afraid to let you all know including me that we are also responsible for what happend to us the day you can take responsibility is the day you wake up and smell the cofee.
kat o nine tales if this site isn’t about whats right or helpful then what is it? a extra large pity party?
truth hurts. read the posts from mrbuffalos 1st to last and look at how SKYLAR (yes im pointing fingers now because shes suspect) and KIM got offended. he didnt dispesepct anyone they started and you can even tell they was mad at him.
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
Yes and guys don’t play his game please. Like Gem sez, this is so unhelpful and just makes us look like a bunch of paranoid freaks. which is what they love us to look like.
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
time.. the people here have already been hurt enough. They are dealing with painful truth every day.
There is a big difference between “victim mentality” and true victimization, as you know. Most of the people here from what I’ve read over the last year or so have been very hesitant to even perceive themselves as victims at all, and have had to “wake up” to that fact just to even start to heal.
Buffalo guy might not have been on some big offensive when he started posting, and made some really good points, but to me it’s about intuition and gut feeling, and to me he sounds just like my ex-husband. When pushed he sounds exactly like him, in fact. Skylar and Kim sounded like girls-night-out being obnoxious and laughing too much, but Buffalo guy is doing the entire thing.. the pomposity, the finger-pointing, the name calling. Come on, if you guys can’t spot them by now, I am going to give up hope.
And now, I’ve said my piece and put in my two cents, so I won’t be responding to any more of that stuff… Erin is right.. I’m putting up my “don’t feed the troll” sign
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
Time.. if the guy suffered, let’s hear his story. We don’t need his benefits if he’s above it all looking down on us poor miserable wretches.
Yes, this place is sometimes full of negative emotions, hurt, deep grief and even a desire for revenge. But these are stages along the road to healing, not the final destination.
For a lot of us, feeling sorry for ourselves is actually a new experience. I know it’s no fun watching people wallow in it. But that’s why people come here, pour out their pain, get support and caring sometimes for the first time in years. And yeah get angry, and feel sorry for themselves for a while.
But that’s also why in time they move on, and come here once in a while to keep up with people who helped them when they were down.
Now I say again.. if Mr. Buffalo is hurting and healing.. let’s hear the story of his hurt and grief. Grieving is a big part of healing. And why is it exactly that you have suddenly become a big fan/supporter? Alias?
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kat_o_nine_tales says:
Well not trying to project. FOR ME it’s about my ex. Not, of course, for everybody in the place. And I’ll be the first to admit I have a terrible time getting over my exes. I really do. A lot of us do. That’s part of what makes you feel so dumb sometimes. You don’t love feeling like crap, you hate what they do, but somehow you still love them.
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timeheels says:
i like mrbuffalos posts becasue its the truth. plain and simple. he wasnt afraid to speak it and he got flamed for it. i dont think he did it from a place of looking down on us. i think he really did want to help and now the poor guy is hurt because someone couldnt handle it. skylar is bad news and so is kim sure they were just being obnoxious girls and yet again this proves that mrbuffalo was right, they thought he was P and what do they do? they engage him and if he really was a P their heeling process would be slowed down because they just had to talk to a P. whos fault is that?
THATS why i like mrbuffalos posts, not only was it impressive sounding it played out before our eyes. ego and all. skylar felt her postiion was being threatened so she attacked him with all she had. thats ugly and if she hadnt done that he would have still been here postin some gold. i lost all respect for skylar and kim they acted like the perfect victims. and they wonder why men hate them and they hate men. no normal man would even go near them i bet in real life.
mrbuffalo not only “won” this, he won it without being a P, and they think he’s a P and he DID IT ALL IN THE NO CONTACT THREAD!
genius. pure and simple. shows how much this place helps.
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ErinBrock says:
Kat:
“Come on, if you guys can’t spot them by now, I am going to give up hope.”
what TIME is it?
Hmmmmmmmm
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timeheels says:
geminigirl please read this oh and btw P’s do hurt prolly more than us! imgine if your ego was so big that you had to keep it alive by any means? thats pain baby!
i like mrbuffalos posts becasue its the truth. plain and simple. he wasnt afraid to speak it and he got flamed for it. i dont think he did it from a place of looking down on us. i think he really did want to help and now the poor guy is hurt because someone couldnt handle it. skylar is bad news and so is kim sure they were just being obnoxious girls and yet again this proves that mrbuffalo was right, they thought he was P and what do they do? they engage him and if he really was a P their heeling process would be slowed down because they just had to talk to a P. whos fault is that?
THATS why i like mrbuffalos posts, not only was it impressive sounding it played out before our eyes. ego and all. skylar felt her postiion was being threatened so she attacked him with all she had. thats ugly and if she hadnt done that he would have still been here postin some gold. i lost all respect for skylar and kim they acted like the perfect victims. and they wonder why men hate them and they hate men. no normal man would even go near them i bet in real life.
mrbuffalo not only “won” this, he won it without being a P, and they think he’s a P and he DID IT ALL IN THE NO CONTACT THREAD!
genius. pure and simple. shows how much this place helps.
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