Attracting a new relationship after the sociopath
PDF Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
Tilly says:
Prayers for Lily
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Tilly says:
We are all here for you Lily and we all love you and you are so important and special to us. Get Better SOON!!
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TooLate says:
Aaarrrgh!
The tricks just don’t work on me the way they used to.
When I left my Spath husband, I went to the only place that was available to me … my previous roommate with whom I had a brief affair during the last year of my marriage.
I went there because I had no other place to go. It was either there … or living in the van with my 2 boys.
I had told my roommate when I left that it was over between he and I … but he said to me (knowing that I was having problems with my husband) “If you ever need a place to go, my door is always open to you … and your kids”.
When I got here, I told him that I just needed help until I could get a job and back on my feet. He was welcoming and understanding.
My new beginning was difficult. It took me 7 weeks to get a job and another 2 months to catch up on all of my bills.
I have been sleeping on the couch since I got here and he’s not happy about it. Apparently, he did want me to move in with him, but only with strings attached.
Since my arrival, my roommate has been trying to pressure me into a relationship with him. I am not ready. I have told him countless times that I have a lot of healing to do. I have children to care for. I need to be independent for a while.
Those words fell on deaf ears. Frustrated by his inability to charm or convince me to sleep in his bed and become his significant other, he has now moved onto other tactics. He has told his family that I am not paying my share of the utilities. Although it is true that I have not paid half of the electric or gas bill, I have paid for the home phone, the cable TV, the internet, and his cell phone ALL BY MYSELF. I also paid for the battery that he needed for his car ($85), gave his daughter gas money to pick him up from the hospital ($20), spent in excess of $200 in groceries only 2 weeks ago, bought him cigarettes MANY times when he had no money, and the list goes on. He told them the truth about me not paying half of the utilities, but he did not tell them the whole truth. He did not tell them what I HAVE been paying. He did not give them enough information to make an informed decision about me.
So … word had trickled down the grapevine (in this small town) that his family disapproves of me living here because I am supposedly taking advantage of him. What is up with THAT? If he can’t kindly persuade me into a relationship with him, he’ll let his family put a little pressure on me so that I go running into his arms? I don’t think so.
The last straw came the other day when he was intoxicated. He said that I am “teasing” him sexually by the way I dress and that if this is how I acted toward my husband, he feels sorry for him. He feels sorry for the Spath?! He has also told me that “You have had enough time to heal!” and “You don’t know what real love is!”
WTF? I’m sorry if my roommate gets turned on by me when I am wearing sweatpants and sloppy oversized t-shirts. I am never wearing revealing clothing or parading around in skimpy nightgowns. I wear flannel pants and shirts when I sleep. What am I supposed to wear if THAT turns him on?
I’m not falling for lying people anymore. He is painting a bad picture of me to his family when I am not here. Is that love? He claims that he loves me, but I don’t see it.
If my roommate is an Spath, he’s not very skilled at it. He is not supportive, mature, or understanding. I don’t need his stress or his drama in my life. It only takes energy away from me. It’s energy I need to heal myself and be a parent to my 2 boys.
Guess who is looking for an apartment!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
toolate, once again, you are making a move just in time!
how’s this quote for you: ‘HALF A TRUTH IS A WHOLE LIE!’
I am glad that you had a place to go in the most extreme panic, and equally glad that your situation IS improving, and that the unsuitabilty of this lving arrangement is SO apparent to you and that you are taking steps for further freedom!
you go girl!!!
…far away from this manipulaitve little pr*ck.
best,
one step
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TooLate says:
You know, I have OFTEN told my roommate how much I appreciate ALL that he has done for me and for my boys. I meant that from the bottom of my heart.
If he had been supportive, mature, and understanding … who knows … maybe he would have had a chance with me in the future.
He blew it. I don’t want a relationship right now and I can’t handle the extra stress.
Thank you one-step, for confirming that I am doing the right thing. Sometimes, I just need to hear that I am doing something right.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
You are SO DOING THE RIGHT THING!!
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learnthelesson says:
Toolate -
You have to do whats right for you.
You said you had a previous affair with him – perhaps his feelings never went away – and he had some false hopes with reconnecting with you.
You owe him nothing. You state he has been wonderful to you and your boys. And that its just time to move on. As he is either in love with you and getting caught up in the fact that you arent in love with him or he just isnt mature enough to be just friends. He has no right to discuss your financial affairs between the two of you with others — he just sounds really frustrated and confused.
I think you are making the right decision. I dont think he is a Spath. He just saw you and a potential future in a different light. When financial stuff becomes involved it really adds stress and bad thoughts and is a breeding ground for trouble and misunderstanding as to what motives are and why.
For your boys sake, I would limit confrontation and just find a place and move on. IF you are stuck – you could have an adult mature conversation with him saying to him what you said here about what you have contributed financially and how it hurt you to find out what he has said about the utilities. And also remind him that you made it clear you were a roommate only – that the affair had ended awhile ago – and you turned to him as a friend – and thought he respected and understood that.
You are dealing with alot. You must do whats right for you. If getting out is best – use your best judgment!!! If he truly is a manipulative jerk – then you already know what you must do!!!! And if he is inlove with you and frustrated and acting immaturely and nonsupportive – then you know what you must do too!! Good luck
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TooLate says:
learnthelesson,
I have never been able to lie to people. As honest as I am, I had told my roommate from day 1 of the affair that it was ONLY that. It was sexual relief for me and for him. I told him not to fall in love with me or let himself get “too close” because it would only end badly for him. He reassured me that he understood.
I never minced words or led him to believe it would be ANY other way between us.
That’s why I have a difficult time understanding why he might be confused. Frustrated? Yes. I can see how he let himself believe that there might be hope for a relationship with me when I left my husband … but I have talked with him on a mature level many times since I got here and told him just where I stand.
He is simply refusing to accept it.
I know he is trying to manipulate me into a relationship, but I also know what a HUGE mistake that would be right now.
I haven’t healed from my Spath and I haven’t gotten to the point of coping well, much less loving myself yet.
Do I care about him? Sure I do, but I am not in love with him. I care about him like I care about a very good friend.
… but even as a friend, he is trying to tear down my boundaries for his own reasons without consideration of my needs or the needs of my children.
I need freedom. I need a place where I can concentrate on finding the real me … of learning how to be a wonderful and loving mom. A relationship takes energy away from that.
I feel sorry for him that he has allowed himself to get “too close” to me, but I did not EVER lead him to believe that it was possible. I cannot allow myself to feel responsible for how he feels.
I cannot allow myself to feel guilty over this one.
Am I wrong?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
toolate:
this is important: ‘…… but even as a friend, he is trying to tear down my boundaries for his own reasons without consideration of my needs or the needs of my children.’
boundaries. awesome!
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blueskies says:
Too late,
I am going to be honest.
Here’s my take on your post above:
It is very difficult.. maybe fantastical (like a fantasy)… to imagine that being intimate with someone would have ‘no effect’.
I think you must have been part of the ‘allowing’. we are grown ups here.
How could he ‘try’ to manipulate you into a relationship?
you feel sorry for him , yet you are there living with him? Check yourself.
you need freedom to find yourself – then do it!
You are responsible for yourself and your kids.You.
x
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TooLate says:
Blue skies … and that is exactly what I am going to do.
I have no furniture, dishes, or any other necessities that make a home for my kids … and maybe that is why I allowed myself to stay here as long as i have.
Not any more.
I will get that empty apartment … and find furniture donations … or sleep on the floor if I have to.
… but it’s time to take my freedom in hand.
Thank you for your honesty.
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learnthelesson says:
Too Late -
No feeling guilty girl!!!
Merely deciding whats best for you.
I was just pointing out that because it was so clear cut for you as to where you both stood – and even though you gave NO SIGNALS to the contrary – he may have strong feelings for you that he doesnt know how to get to the place with you that YOU are with HIM . Plus he sounds immature to a fault. But I didnt think he was a Spath. He just isnt for you and he isnt processing that or computing that — or respecting that. Seems he is trying to win you over or seduce you like before or get you back into bed with him… Altho you were clear its just friends, with you there in the home – he probably wishes differently. Not saying that for you to feel guilty – just for you to process — so you can move on.
When I suggest the mature converation with him (should his friendship be something you wish to resolve and workthrough the frustration and confusion) you could say to him:
that in your view “he is simply refusing to accept it.
and you feel he is trying to manipulate you into a relationship, but you also know what a HUGE mistake that would be right now.
you haven’t healed from your Spath and you haven’t gotten to the point of coping well, much less loving your ownself yet.
Do I care about him? Sure I do, but I am not in love with him. I care about him like I care about a very good friend.
… and then tell him that you feel that even as a friend, he is trying to tear down your boundaries for his own reasons without consideration of my needs or the needs of my children. Basically that you what you were looking for was respect for how you are feeling about him – and that is just friends.
You need freedom. a place where you can concentrate on finding the real you … of learning how to be a wonderful and loving mom. A relationship takes energy away from that.
and finally tell him you cannot allow yourself to feel responsible for how he feels.
This isnt about guilt. Its about handling it in a way thats best for you, your boys. And dealing with the reality – not just the side issue about the money conversation he has had with his family. It too needs to be addressed = but the real issue is addressing that he has feelings for you and its confusing him. If you believe nothing you did confused him – its still feasible that his own feelings for you are confusing him and he is frustrated on his own – because you are there.
I do believe its best you leave too. I just was offering the other side of the coin that he wasnt a Spath. Just unable to be just a friend. Too immature.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Toolate,
I think many times s/paths will “help” us when we are down as you were when you were escaping the s/path, THEN they want THE PAYOFF for their “help”—like now we OWE them sex, or whatever.
The woman I refer to as my “egg donor” (because she has NOT earned the title “mother”) was always offering me money to “help me out” but when I refused (because I knew there was a HOOK hidden inside her “gift”) she offered money to others who turned out to be s/paths and really took her for a ride! She was so suprised when they stole from her because they had always been so “respectful.” She continues even now to send money to my P-son in prison though she knows that we are NC with him because he tried to have us killed, but now suddenly she had decided that was not true, even though she has seen the evidence.
When “friends” offer to help us they do not then DEMAND things from us in RETURN–like sex. People who love us do not accuse US of bad acts “turning him on” etc. LOL This guy is NOT YOUR FRIEND, never has been and is not trustworthy for the future in my opinion. GET AWAY FROM HIM AND HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM IN THE FUTURE. ((((HUGS))))
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TooLate says:
learnthelesson and Ox,
Thank you for your words.
I must say, I do feel guilty … but I don’t know why.
I guess I will just have to work it out and follow your advice. I’ll just have to do what’s best for me and what’s best for my kids.
When I move, I won’t have internet for a while. Probably for a LONG while. I’ll miss this site and all of the support you have given to me.
Thank you
TooLate
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TooLate says:
I’m sorry. Maybe I should have renamed myself TooLittleTooLate.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
I made a valentine’s card – a place where we can write our wishes for growth, life and love: http://lfvalentinescard.blogspot.com/
please spread the word.
best,
one step
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TooLate says:
Update:
I had been posting about my living situation which was less than ideal. My room mate wanted a relationship with me, but I didn’t. I was living with him and felt “trapped”.
blueskies wrote ” you need freedom to find yourself – then do it! You are responsible for yourself and your kids.You. ”
I am pleased to announce that I now have my own apartment! It feels so good to have independence and freedom again!
I have been absent from LoveFraud for the past few weeks while I moved and been gathering furniture and other essentials.
I missed you guys! TL
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one_step_at_a_time says:
toolate/ just in time: congratulations girl! good for you!!!!!
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OxDrover says:
Dear Toolate,
CONGRATULATIONS!!! We’ve missed you too, and am glad to see that you now have your own piece of the world away from your “friend” who wasn’t a friend.
Now, now that you are firmly in a new place, it is time for you to lay down that “guilty” feeling—YOU DID NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT…so if you need to feel guilty, one of us will say to you “Ok, TL, feel guilty now,” but otherwise, when you find yourself feeling guilty just say to yourself, “if I don’t quit this right now Oxy is going to BOINK me with the cyber cast iron skillet, right on top of my head!” Look at Henry, his head is flat I have hit him so many times for feeling guilty when he had nothing to feel guilty about! (((((Hugs)))))) and God bless.
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learnthelesson says:
Toolate – Towanda!! Way to go!
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silvermoon says:
Toolate!
Welcome back.
Congratulations on your new place.
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conomo says:
Kim Frederick,
Been looking for your posts about taking up knitting and can’t find them.
Oxy had a great suggestion about finding old sweaters btw.
I was taught how to knit by my Baba(grandama)when I was 14(bout). Loved doing rows and rows but couldn’t put my direction into a pattern.
I could probably still start and complete rows and rows–haven’t tried in 12 or so years(last time was helping my daughter who was learning basics in school).
What struck me in your posts was the fact that you had given up interest in interests/hobbies while engaged with the SPtard.
Being a life long learner, I have tried my hands and mind at many things in my life so far. Some I became fairly accomplished at. some I didn’t, some I have put on the back burmer and some I give up on. the choices are grey sometimes.
I picked up the guitar 4 years ago. Music has always been in my soul. A guitar was given to me by a performer that also had a music shop. We were dating. Another heartbreak for me. but not a milestone heartbreak. We don’t ignore each other or hate each other when we meet on the street.
Backtrack: I was taking lessons and learning. My XyoungbuckS used to encourage and want to hear me practice in the beginning. Last September 2009 he cut my guitar strings. Leading up to that. he hadn’t been supportive for 6 months or so.
I have left that guitar in that state fro what I hoped would be a reminder of the b*sh*t this guy has put me through.
I took him back after that several times!! Keeping that busted string guitar in my view almost every F*kg day!!
You Kim, inspired me to dust that broken string guitar and change the strings so that I can learn and strumm again.
Keep knitting dear heart. (((hugs))) And thank you!!
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conomo says:
More to the point…we need to put our energies into the positive side of the pendulum…that’s not to say ignore the f*g(insert frigging if you like) negative degree but controll it like you are doing! Wish me skill in re stringing this guitar please.
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kim frederick says:
Conomo, Thank-you so much for sharing that with me. It’s funny, you never know when you might be helping somebody.That’s a great thing, and it feels really nice when you do.
Towanda to you and your guitar…get those strings on and start strummin’,
Spring is comin’, and you’re in bloom.
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conomo says:
Dear Kim…thought I was in bloom …BOOm…I cleaned my house today…even the in the dingiest of days….make a comfy bed for my “kids” (pets) … using old pillows instead of discarding them…and my little dog gets jumpy and WHOaoo..breaks my full length mirror….haven’t had that happen since I was 12…I’m not really a superstitial l person but this freaked me out a bit….
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kim frederick says:
It’s just a message to disgard the old image and create a new one…….:)
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conomo says:
I’LL ACCEPT THAT…
NANANA…HEY…GOODBYE
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conomo says:
Hey hey good bye…I thought of that song here… don’t know the words exactly…..Im sorry I sound so not connected at times………
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conomo says:
Sent it…
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conomo says:
Kim I’m confused
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kim frederick says:
Conomo, Yes, I am too. I tried to post a link to the video of, HEY<HEY HEY< good-bye, but I'm kind of a techno newbie, so I don't know what I did wrong…sorry, though. I meant well.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
kim – how about this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsaTElBljOE
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one_step_at_a_time says:
kim – and you might want to delete your msn address from your post above.
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conomo says:
Kim one step has a good idea…….
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kim frederick says:
Thanks One-step…but I don’t think thats mine….I just don’t get it.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
okay, that is weird. best to delete it, as it is someone’s.
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kim frederick says:
Okay. Gone.
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conomo says:
Kim thanks…one step…thanks…
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conomo says:
i really dont get it either..you posted to me…but it’s ok…delllllete as you see fit
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conomo says:
Sorry you think I need dellleting ..
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kim frederick says:
Conomo, what? Wait, wait, wait.
I tried to post a link to the song…cause I thought we could bond over it…I’m kind of green on computers, and I thought I was cutting and pasting the UHL but found something else happened. When you’ll said I should delete for security’s sake, I took you word for it, and did…that’s all I meant by, “okay, gone” Okay? I wouldn’t delete you, how could I delete you? Sorry for the misunderstanding.
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conomo says:
One way or annotherr,…I am soorry….I am fuckked ……..nnooww i will tell …… thoought I was ssotogetterhhh
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kim frederick says:
What? Please. You are soootagethah! We all are.
I think you’re terrific…I’m sorry that stupid shit happened.
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conomo says:
OMG I hate the way I think right now..music
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one_step_at_a_time says:
dear kim and conomo – sweet caring peeps.
can i send you a collective smooch?
technology will create mirrors for us, as surely as people do. you’d be amazed at the things malfunctioning tech has shown me about myself.
hugs hugs hugs
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kim frederick says:
One-step, it’s kind of weird, though, cause it’s happened before, here on LF for me, where I really offende and hurt someone,and it was soo not my intention, and it makes me kind of question myself, how I come off to people….
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conomo says:
Kim………….I am sorry fir this…..I am feeling too weird right now…(((hugs))) did I get the knitting right?????
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kim frederick says:
Don’t get me wrong, I know quite well when I’m being bitchy, and I know I’m quite capable of it, but when that is the farthest thing from my mind, how does that happen?
Especially when i think I communicate so well….
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kim frederick says:
Yes, baby, you got the knitting right. You’ve got sooo much right, you just don’t really trust yourself, yet. We’re all gonna be okay. Me, you, all of us. Get that guitar fixed. Write us a Lovefraud song!
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conomo says:
I think we understand
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