Attracting a new relationship after the sociopath
PDF Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader:
I have a question for you. I’ve been divorced for 3 years now from my ex-husband who had a porn addiction. I’ve tried the Internet dating sites on and off since, and have had nothing but bad experiences. What do you suggest I do/ how do I go about finding someone? I am really lonely and would like to have a man in my life. However, I’m so afraid of attracting the wrong kind still. If you have any suggestions, I’d be happy to hear them.
If you’ve had a run-in with a sociopath, before attempting to date again, you must first heal yourself. If you’re feeling lonely and afraid, it is an indication that you are not yet healed.
I believe that circumstances and situations come into our lives as a result of our internal states. The energy and emotions that we have within us are like giant magnets, bringing us more of the same. Perhaps you’ve heard this concept described as “The Law of Attraction.” I think it’s a real phenomenon, because I’ve seen it operate in my own life, whether I liked the results or not.
Negative emotion
When sociopaths come into our lives, they bring emotional betrayal, physical assault, financial ruin, psychological manipulation, family devastation—far more trauma than any of us ever bargained for. As a result, we are crushed, afraid, angry, frightened. Often our lives are on the verge of collapse.
We are overwhelmed by negative emotion and energy, which is totally understandable. So what happens? We get more of the same.
It happened in my life, and I’ve seen it in countless Lovefraud stories. The sociopath cheats on us, and we’re in a car crash. The sociopath takes all our money, and then we lose our jobs. The sociopath ruins our marriage, and then we get cancer or some other major illness.
So what are we to do?
Feel the pain
I believe that we must get the negative emotion and energy out of our systems. And the way to do this is to allow ourselves to feel the pain.
Usually, this means crying. Of course, we’ve all probably spent hours and hours crying, and we’re tired of it. We just want to stop. But the pain caused by the sociopath goes very deep, especially if we’ve had the predator in our lives for many years—years that we stuffed our emotions, afraid to let ourselves feel what we were really feeling. It may take a long time to release the pent-up tears.
Then there’s the anger. Anger is a physical sensation—just because we know why we’re angry doesn’t make it go away. Anger needs to be released appropriately. (It does no good to confront the sociopath, and may make matters worse.) My method of choice for releasing anger is visualizing the sociopath’s face on a pillow, and then pounding the crap out of it. The idea is to do something physical—stomping the floor, twisting towels—until we feel an emotional release.
But what often happens as we work on releasing the pain caused by the sociopath is that we find more pain beneath it. This may be disappointment in previous love relationships, anger at mistreatment during our childhoods, betrayal bonds with other people who abused us.
These are the negative emotions that attracted the sociopath in the first place.
In my case, I was lonely, even desperate, when the sociopath showed up on my doorstep. During all of my 20s and 30s, I couldn’t get a relationship with a man to work. I now know that it was due to my internal state, as described above. But when I turned 40, feeling that biological clock ticking, wanting to make a connection—well, I was primed to be plucked. Attracted by my negative internal energy, the sociopath swooped in.
With the devastation wrought by the sociopath, my pain moved to the focus of my awareness. I processed it. It was all I could do.
This is not pretty, so it is best done alone (unless you’ve got a really good therapist who can be with you through it). And it will take repeated sessions. You’ll release some, and more will bubble to the surface. Just keep releasing, until you drain the well of pain.
Healthy and peaceful
Then an amazing thing happens—when you purge the negative energy, it is replaced by peace, hope and self-love.
I am here to tell you that it works. Changing my internal state, moving from desperate to peaceful, made all the difference in the world. Not long after I began feeling better, I met the man who became my husband—in a bar.
Some people say you can’t meet anyone worthwhile in a bar, but location is not the issue. The issue is your internal state. If you’re feeling positive, healthy and peaceful, an appropriate person will just show up.
My husband and I have been together for eight years. We are happy. Our relationship is comfortable and easy. There are no games, only love. And our love is not a lie—it’s the real thing.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
witsend says:
kim,
Don’t worry you communicate just fine. This has happened to most of us.
And the written word just is hard to determine. If we are feeling sensitive. Or if we don’t understand a previous conversation going on.
I just happened to pop in and read when I saw a link to an email address & I just thought you were sharing your email…
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one_step_at_a_time says:
kim – it’s just a tech mishap that confused – if we were all in the same room it would be nothing.
really.
i can’t tell you how much i felt for the two of you walking through this.
you are both lovely stars.
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witsend says:
On step,
how are you doing?
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witsend says:
sorry, One Step…
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kim frederick says:
hey Witty. How’re ya doin’?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
hi witty!
have spent most of the day ‘here.’ so, still having a really hard time focusing on the things i need to. it scares me witty, but i gotta trust that things will work out.
I am having a hard time keeping up – even with my uber simple focus. so, i have to simplify even more.
i need some PTSD counsel, so will look this week.
have been out of work for one week (out of pay for two), and afraid to look at my bank account – but i will do that soon.
have had some bad pain days, lots of meds and just having a hard time functioning.
so, all that doesn’t sound so good, but there have been moments of progress…slowing down is progress and so is crying about my housing, and so it processing some of my feelings about the spath. haven’t managed a full meditation yet, but have at least said a few mantras and sat on the cushion.
i also think i am getting to a place of greater understanding of my worth – not based in anything, but my very existence; worthy because i was born. my illnesses, my poverty – don’t matter. I matter. I am losing/loosing some of the shame of my life. I am still nc with my family, and that is a hard and complex situation for me, but it is also best.
thanks for asking.
best,
one step
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ErinBrock says:
Ms. Kimmie…..
I too thought….wtf….why is she posting her email…..
I think the lesson here is……We know when we are ‘testy’ and maybe LF is a place to easily test out our testyness….but when we feel doubtful….in a safe place like LF…..err on the side of caution….
Your doing fine Kim…..DON”T doubt yuourself sweetie…..
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one_step_at_a_time says:
ouu, ‘on step’ is like ‘spot on’, and i like that!
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kim frederick says:
Yeah but EB, I still don’t get it…that is not my E-mail..I was trying to post a link…I was not feeling testey here, tonight, and I didn’t intend any of this confusion….I just don’t understand the whole internet thing…I feel like I’m still being misunderstood, because none of you can understand how internet illiterate I have been.
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witsend says:
Kim,
I understand computer illiterate as I am right there with you!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
i am fairly computer literate.
and since being spathed i have learned SO much more…like how to read her spathy ass IP address, and screen capture the histrionic crap she posted on the website where we met, and how to use a freaking proxy server, so that when i out her, no one, freaking no one will be able to trace it.
one step curtsies deep and goes off to find her time burton dopple ganger…..
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kim frederick says:
Thanks, Witty. How are things?
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kim frederick says:
Well, one step, I didn’t get most of what you said about the techno-shit…but. I do know what a dopple-ganger, is!
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witsend says:
One Step,
Yeah sometimes it is hard for me to look at myself and see ANY progress. I think it has so much to do with the ptsd.
It’s hard to focus, harder to concentrate, and the anxiety can really complicate all of the above. I can also procrastinate and that creates more anxiety. So it feels like a vicious circle sometimes.
For what it is worth I think you sound like you are making progress…I really do. Sometimes slowing down is exactly what we have to do. Going slowly in the right direction. Treating ourselves gently.
And coming to terms with our self worth is a huge accomplishment.
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witsend says:
Kim,
I am hanging in there…And one step lost me completely with the techno stuff…Lol
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one_step_at_a_time says:
that’s probably all you need to know
i came by this knowledge the hard way, so wanna explain it, just in case it can be of use to anyone.
screen captures: you can take a picture of what is on your screen. so with a piece of software installed on your computer, you could take a picture of what is on the current lovefraud page (or the spath’s facebook page)
IP addresses: all internet connections have addresses, they are called Internet Protocol addresses. If I sand an email from my home computer through an installed email program (like outlook) my email will show the address of my internet connection in the email’s ‘header’. Email headers are hidden, but can be unhidden.
Reading IP addresses is how i found out the spath sock puppet’s emails, (supposedly from all over the world) were coming from one fucking place. grrrrrr.
and proxy servers: obscure real IP addresses. you can buy an online service easily. you can send email or visit websites (most websites collect IP addresses) and your actual address is not known.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
witty – have you done any targeted work on the PTSD?
if you have can you share what kind of work with me?
i think i have to start there, ’cause it is really impairing me.
x one step
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witsend says:
One Step,
I wish I could say that I have. Years ago when first diagnosed I had panic attacks and I took medication. I honestly thought that I had been “managing” my PTSD symtoms after I got off of the meds and stopped having the attacks for several years.
But truthfully all I was doing was surviving through them. I simplified my life for years just focusing on raising my kids and going through the grief process after the suicide. I thought if I could do just these two things well, and stay on task with this, that was enough.
But it wasn’t because I really avoided so many other areas of my life. I avoided many of my fears and tried to always stay in my comfort zone. So as not to raise my anxiety level. But the anxiety was always there.
Now all these years later I am right back where I started. The anxiety is very high again.
I have just started to talk to my counselor about this recently.
If you learn anything about dealing with the symptoms that is helpful I would love to hear about it.
And I will share anything I learn as well as that is what I am going to focus on with my counselor.
I need to learn how to “quiet myself” and meditate. I haven’t been able to do this.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
will do witty. xx
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geminigirl says:
Dearest Witty, Im having the same problem with PTSD. I thought I was over it,and as you know my “trigger’ was seeing that hurtful message on FB from my spath daughter and her former punk friend, G. the problem is that for 30 years Ive tamped down the anger, rage, hurt, frustration, fear, everything, from getting my home and studio wrecked{twice}. And when the spath D had kids, in order to get to see them, I had to “play nice”, and “pretend” nothing had happened,for 15 years!. When D banned me from her wedding in 1994, but invited my ex, his new wife, and my present husband,{who naturally didnt go!}i was so devastated that I went of to Greece for 3 weeks by myself,
to “escape’ and take my mind off the hurt. Ive tried, over the last 15 years to get a n apology for THAT,episode and others, but, nothing.All I got was”Its all your fault, your a f-cking drama queen thats why C wont see you either, Mum!,cant you see YOU are the problem!” NEVER any resolution, apology or just a “Sorry, Mum,” Now, 30 years since the home and studio wreckage, Im FINALLY allowed to be angry, thanks to LF, Im FINALLY out of the FOG, but still NO closure, never will be.Now Im finding it so dam HARD to get this belated RAGE and hurt OUT! And now my SIL isnt talking to me either! That means, no GKids coming over, but you know what, let the chips fall where they may, I am so OVER pandering to horrible selfish pricks! {Sorry!}IM OVER ALL OF THEM!! Love, Gem.XXX
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conomo says:
Dear Gem. its late…but here I am….I am relating to that pain you feel….F it hurts .I too am so thankful for a place (LF) to talk–we are at different stages…but we understand the mind f*k.
Good thing is, we haave a heart. I hope we never completely shut that down. I’ve be tempted many times, but we cant let them win!
Thaat’s why why are SURVIVORS!! prayers love and big (((hug)))
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geminigirl says:
Dearest Conomo, Thank you-its so good we can share our joys and our sorrows!i too am so grateful to havea place where we are understood, believed,supported, and vindicated.Yes, we ARE survivors! Prayers and love to you too, sweet heart. Love, Gem.XX
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witsend says:
Momma Gem,
There are so many things that can trigger our emotions. We have to try and be aware of those that we can control, because there are so many more that we have no control of.
I am trying to process some of this stuff. what triggers that I “walk” right into, vs those that I have no control over.
All we can do is put one step forward and continue on the journey.
xxxxxx
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mommom says:
I dont know why anyone would want to go from the frying pan to the fire. For me thinking about a different relationship is simply out of the question. Im not healed,It wouldnt be fair to bring all my baggage into a new relationship. I dont see myself as ever remarrying or having anything more than a casual friend
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Mommom,
Sometimes people seem to think (I think) that a new relationship with someone else will ease the pain of the loss of the other one. I got involved with a psychopath BF about 8 months after the death of my husband, because I was so lonely, so hurting, and it distracted me from my own pain and grief. Of course it was a TERRIBLE MISTAKE but I did get out of it 8 months later, but caused myself a lot of pain and added grief to losing my husband, and I still had to do the grieving for losing him. I sincerely suggest that anytime anyone loses one serious relationship that they wait at least a year or so before getting involved with another one, sometimes longer if the relationship they lost (either through death or break up) was a long term one.
Don’t say “never”—who knows ? YOu might actually find a good relationship, but I think that fiinding a relationship with OURSELVES BY OURSELVES is the most important thing, then we can SHARE a good relationship with someone else. In the end, we make ourselves happy or not, no one else can do that for us.
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mommom says:
OX
I think with the death of someone there is that finality to it. I can understand becoming loney. My mother did the same thing after my Dad died. The guy wanted to know what her financial worth was…LOL She couldnt see it up until 2 weeks before they were supposed to marry. He wanted my mom to sign over all her financial accets to her,then she got wise. She was very lonely too. I get that.
For me,the very thought of a man right now is just sickening.
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