Nancy Garrido: alleged kidnapper and rapist
PDF Last week I discussed Philip Garrido, a psychotic and psychopathic individual who allegedly with the help of his wife kidnapped Jaycee Dugard at age 11 and held her 18 years. This week I would like to discuss the some of the details of Nancy Garrido’s life that have been reported by reliable news sources.
The Details
Nancy Garrido is 54, her maiden name is Bocanegra. She was born born in Texas, the second child of a family of five or six children. She has been married to Phillip 28 years. According to the New York Times, “Gail Powell, a spokeswoman for the Nevada Department of Public Safety, said Nancy Bocanegra was visiting an incarcerated uncle when she met Mr. Garrido, a tall, lanky and deep-eyed sex offender who was serving a 50-year sentence for the 1976 rape and kidnapping of a casino worker from South Lake Tahoe, Calif.”
The couple married in the prison and did not live together until Phillip’s release 7 years later. Nancy never had children, but is reported to have been a caregiver. She cared for Phillip’s elderly mother and worked as a nurse’s aide.
Several people who knew Nancy described her as submissive, depressive and quiet. Others said she appeared kind and caring.
Nancy’s employer reportedly said this about her work with developmentally disabled adults, “The people she worked with really liked her.”
Questions
The same employer also questioned “How could it be that this other situation was happening at the same time? It’s impossible to understand.”
People are also asking why Nancy participated in this crime. They are questioning whether she was under “the spell” of her husband, and whether she was “brainwashed.”
My questions
I wonder why we allow sex offenders to marry in prison. He had a history at least one other arrest, “It seems likely that Ms. Garrido knew all too well of her new husband’s sexual history and proclivities. In addition to his rape and kidnapping conviction, Mr. Garrido had also been arrested in a 1972 rape of a 14-year-old girl in Antioch, Calif., the Bay Area suburb near where he had grown up and where he and Ms. Garrido would settle with his mother after his release from prison in 1988,” said the New York Times.
Is there any legal reason why sex offenders or other psychopathic felons should be allowed to marry while they are in custody? They can’t vote, why should they marry? I think we allow these offenders to marry because some still believe that “love” can rehabilitate them; that marriage makes it less likely they will reoffend. (Lawyers reading this please comment!)
I contend that this marriage facilitated his re-offense and that sociopaths often could not do what they do without the help of witting and unwitting accomplices. The best thing for society is to isolate these people. We are more likely to be suspicious of an offender who lives by himself. Marriage and family just give them the false facade of normalcy.
There is data showing that generally speaking marriage prevents re-arrest of felons. We don’t know if that applies to psychopathic sex offenders. We also don’t know if marriage protects against re-offense versus just re-arrest. My suspicion is that married psychopaths just get away with more.
Why would a woman marry such a man? Many serial killers have a following of women and other women have married offenders serving life sentences. It is noted that Nancy had an uncle in the same prison, and that is how she met Phillip. Perhaps the presence of other antisocial individuals in her life desensitized her to their dangerousness.
Many have questioned why Phillip was released after serving only one fifth of his sentence. I wonder if it had anything to do with this marriage and the fact that Phillip’s mother allowed the couple to live with her after his release.
All family members who render aid to psychopathic offenders have moral culpability to any subsequent crimes they commit. When you do something nice for a psychopath, a perverse reverse Karma is created. The psychopath will use the “nice” to perpetrate evil on someone else or even you. In this case, a kindness bestowed upon a psychopath will result in bad Karma for you.
The fact that sociopathy/psychopathy is a spectrum as opposed to an absolute category is confusing for people. In the same way, the spectrum that defines the spouses, family members, and associates of sociopaths/psychopaths is also confusing. Let’s be open to the real likelihood that Nancy is also psychopathic and selected Phillip for that reason.
What about the caretaking behavior? What about Nancy’s assertions that she loves and misses the victims? This week I came across another important statement regarding psychopathic individuals and love. It came from a book chapter written by three psychopathy experts:
“they (psychopaths) may also be prone to express intense affiliative impulses directly. Because such attractions are not based on empathy (for) or a mature appreciation of another person, these positive affectional links are often likely to be fleeting, tenuous, and based on illusory perceptions of others” (emphasis added).
To translate the difficult vocabulary, psychopaths do experience affection and intense impulses that feel like “love” to them. It is not all just a sham or a lie. That is why psychopaths are able to fool people. It is not that victims and family members are always so gullible that they fall for the lies. Sometimes the people in a psychopath’s life correctly read the “positive affectional links” and “intense affiliative impulses”.
What we all need to understand is that the presence of these impulses and feelings doesn’t tell us anything about a person since even psychopaths have these. What tells us most about Nancy’s inner world is the crimes she is alleged to have perpetrated.
Please if you are in the life of a psychopathic person, particularly an offender or sex offender consider carefully what I have said here.
Sources for this blog
LA Times
NY Times
The Clinical and Forensic Assessment of Psychopathy: A Practitioner’s Guide (Personality and Clinical Psychology Series) by Carl B. Gacono (Editor) Chapter 8
written by Liane Leedom, M.D. • Permalink •
skylar says:
Pheonix
there are books that help but don’t use the word spath.
“Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry men” by Lundy Bancroft
“Why is it always about you? the seven deadly sins of narcissism” by Sandy Hotchkiss
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the phoenix says:
Skylar- The triangulation of which you speak, makes sense to me now. The vortex tries this with me and his mother or sister, whichever one is present at the time.
Spath’s sister is a case study in and of herself and has tried her hardest to bait me into fights. I have granted her the one “Free Pass” and told her to consider the fact that there are things she doesn’t know about, before taking another jab at me again.
The vortex’s mother is one of his biggest enablers, yet there are ways of prying she stills tries to use on me. Avoiding it is quite easy at times. Simple direct answers- yes or no- no further explanation needed. Just stare back at them and blink. You have no clue anyways, further talk will only add to their cashe of ammo for later…
Answer their questions with another question. This is an old Jewish mother trick.
Why do you ask?
What business is it of yours?
If they ask if you are concerned about or for someone- Should I be?
Why did ____ do this? or not do this? I’m sure they have their reasons… Why do you need to explain things for someone else?
They will usually give up pretty easily when they figure out they aren’t getting anywhere talking to you.
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the phoenix says:
Ana- I look at him and repeatedly ask Why? He explains something. I ask Why? He says something else. I ask Why? Why? Just lather, rinse, repeat as necessary as long as you wish to play the game. It gets really annoying, really quickly.
He tries doing it to me and I just tell him to fgure it out for himself after the first or second Why?.
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the phoenix says:
Skylar- thank you for the book ideas. Problem is, he would read them when I am not around, just to be nosy, but then apply the new found knowledge and tactics.
The vortex is home a few days a week, while I am the one with a job, working to pay the bills. Plenty of time for him to snoop, while I am kept on a rather short leash. Yay Me!
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skylar says:
Pheonix,
Ah! I’m sorry I forgot you were still in the house with him.
It’s hard keeping everyone’s stories straight. You are so right, it’s best not to let him know what you are thinking.
When I was 17 and had just met the spath, I was flummoxed by how much he lied. Never met anyone who just lied and lied and lied about everything. I got a book from the library: The people of the Lie, by Scott Peck. But I felt, for some reason, compelled to keep it hidden. Unfortunately, I didn’t understand the book, because I was only 17 and the book talked about evil. Having been raised catholic, I looked at spath, didn’t see a tail or horns or cloven feet, so I just thought : this does not apply.
I love how you answer a question with another question.
I did this too, not on purpose, it’s just how my mind works: gather more data before I answer.
IT DROVE HIM NUTS!! LOL!
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the phoenix says:
OMG! Mine can do something, you can watch him do it, he will tell you he has done it and it is still tough to believe him because he lies so damned much! It’s almost laughable at this point.
He lies to everyone and lies so much, he doesn’t know when to stop or who NOT to lie to. He lies to his parents, anyone around him, people on the internet, people he has known all his life, people he doesn’t know at all…. His lips move- he’s lying. He’s breathing- it’s a lie.
His lies are right up there with his financial managment skills. He went as far as bouncing a check for $10 to the police department for registering our home security system with them. He cares not, who he hurts or what kind of crap he stirs up.
I put nothing past him and expect nothing from him. This way I will never be let down by him.
I have no idea how he keeps the lies straight, but if you ask him about them- he doesn’t remember anything. Of course not! That is their easiest way out of anything.
I have answered the questions with questions and also bluffed on some things. He lies, I can too! I deny knowing anything about whatever he is trying to pin on me next.
I have also twisted his words effectively through an alternative perspective. They do it- we can too! He told me once that by working on something, it created problems for him.
Really? HOW? By making him look like a worthless, lazy sod? You’d better believe it honey!
Then a while later, he asked me to help him with the same thing. WHAT?
Um, no. Not even if you ask me to, I won’t lift a finger to help you. By doing this, I am creating problems for you. Not wanting to create problems- I won’t help. There you go, problem SOLVED! I turned around and walked away.
He doesn’t recall saying it caused him problems (of course not!) and why would I say that? Because I made you look bad… That would be my guess anyways. Oh well, problem solved- not going to deal with it, it’s all his now. Perspective can be an amazing thing to help preserve our sanity.
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superkid10 says:
Oxy and Sky thank you both. I need to think about this.
SK
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superkid10 says:
Phoenix
I read your posts to/from Skylar – I had to laugh out loud – I was just so shocked at how much my spath lied – i was pissed off when he lied to me – then surprised when he lied in front of me to colleagues – oh my !! – and wanted me to PARTICIPATE in the lies. It just blew me away. I never met anybody like that.
Is it raining? “No” when it was coming down in sheets!
What day are you traveling? “Wednesday” when the airline ticket said Tuesday.
I mean, it was just unending, unbelievable, pointless, to anybody everybody all the time about nothing.
Made him feel superior, I guess.
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Ox Drover says:
Sk, I can’t even remember how far back I dubbed her the “egg donor” because the term Mother is EARNED by how you nurture the child, not by giving it your DNA and I decided she didn’t earn the title “mother” I just fell into the habit of referring to her that way. LOL
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Safeguard says:
Yeah…I use some of spath’s own crap, on him too. I don’t like doing it. I don’t want to be anything like him, but as a matter of survival these are handy tools.
Spath does this thing, where if I ask him something, he’ll give me an answer, but not quite what I asked:
Me: “so what time are you going in to work tomorrow?”
Spath: “*Long sigh* my alarm’s set for 6:00am.”
Me: “wow that early huh? Well I was thinking of bringing Lil’bit into the city to shop, maybe take her to see your new store…”
:spath “that would be cute.”
Me: “Do you think we should take the train in, might be quicker?”
Spath: “Yeah it would.”
And so I stupidly babble on, planing my day. Totally unaware that spath WASN”T even PLANNING, on going to work the next day. Notice he never SAID he was.(just said what time his alarm was set for!), It sounded like he answered my question, but he didn’t.
I’ve used that one…Like if he asks me how my job is going…Me: “Well you know, it’s a balance…” LOL!
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justus5 says:
Safeguard-Yeah, I’m trying to learn to use his tactics on him but so far not so good. I have learned, however, to use “the blank look” quite well. I’ve been doing that for awhile now and to my surprise my emotions have followed my actions, they are becoming pretty blank concerning him. I found in 23 years nothing has ticked him off more. Not that I am trying to tick him off but it sure is nice not to be his mirror anymore. I love how you have learned to use his tactics on him. It is delightful to read it coming from a non-spath to a spath. I got a chuckle out of your post.
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panther says:
Hi Superkid10.
I agree with both Ox and Skylar. You need to act on this one. That part is not even a question. The only question is how to do this in a safe way.
Skylar makes a good point, and I had thought of that when you explained your situation. These brats lie all the time, usually to gain something, and they also threat all the time, usually to get a specific response out of you. I would immediately question what my own first instinct is to make sure that’s not what he was trying to get me to do. For example, you have to consider that he might expect you to talk to the cops. So…why would he want you to do this?
Unfortunately even having to sort through such utter madness is exhausting to say the least, because you are basically challenged to outsmart someone who uses all their (wasted) mental power on manipulation. It’s very hard to win this chess game, but our lives are at stake, so we must!
About your comment related to my exspaths words, those still aren’t the best. I WISH so much I could dig these up: He wrote letters to HIMSELF and me as other women pretending to be in love with him for years. He cyber bullied me as these “other women” and one of them was a psychologist who was trying to convince me that I had Asperger’s syndrome and a few other mental disorders. I actually didn’t start to snap out of his spell until a month ago when I had this sudden feeling…OUT OF NOWHERE…in my head that said: FIND A WAY TO TRACK THOSE IP ADDRESSES. This was because in part I had found a draft in his own email that was written to him from someone named Elisha. When I confronted him, did he deny it? Oh, that’s not even the start of it. HE TRIED TO CONVINCE ME THAT I HAD WRITTEN IT!!!!!!!! He told me that I wrote it and blacked it out, because I “did that a lot.” I did things and then blacked out. (bullshit gaslighting<—my new word)
So, after over a year of dealing with various mean, long-winded, "gorgeous" women who were all madly in love with him, I did the reverse IP look up. They all went to him. All of them. I learned this at the end of this July. I confronted him, and he told me that he would prove to me that these women exist, and he told me that I would feel SO STUPID when I learned that he had never lied to me. He was planning to hire a model and train her in Q&A. I know this because he later CONFESSED that it was him and then wanted me to think of him as so righteous for not going through with his plan to further lie! He kept trying to emphasize what he could have done, but didn't do, and expected some sort of approval from me, like okay he's cured now!
By the way, check out the names of these women: Anna, Melissa, Daniella, Lydia, Fiona, Aurora, Elisha. They all end with A.
Anyways, this is when I found Love Fraud and started suspecting he is a sociopath. I am glad I told him he's an spath, because I want him to KNOW why I left. I really needed to be able to say to him that he is WRONG and point to a HUGE volume of literature to back me up, that way he couldn't twist this and say that he was healthy. When I showed him the list of sociopath traits, he said point-blank: Yup. I display all of these, but I am not a sociopath baby. I just have been having a fugue episode for the past year and a half because I was scared of you. I bought this crap for about another 2 weeks (his magic over me was still pretty strong).
Then I came to Love Fraud and posted his psycho email. And YAY I am on 4 days NO CONTACT and this is SO HARD but worth it in every way imaginable. No contact is the best feeling ever, though it's hard.
Here is fugue episode for those wondering what I/he Was talking about: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fugue_state
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superkid10 says:
Panther
So you too became a great sleuth, as did I. I never thought to check IP addresses. The thing with my spath is that he was what skylar calls a failed spath. And he tells truth and lies.
Four days is a great start.
It is a long hard journey.
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superkid10 says:
Safeguard
Wow! Fantastic observations!
He doesn’t want to commit to anything or create a pattern of being UNDERSTOOD and KNOWN because he prefers to be s SNAKE. It’s who they are.
Yuck.
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skylar says:
Panther,
your story would be so funny, if it wasn’t so sickening. Just like mine. When I read other peoples’ stories, I ask myself, “how could they fall for that?” then I say, “oh wait, I did too!” LOL!
It’s just that we aren’t prepared for such preposterous behavior. These people wear the MASK OF SANITY, so we assume they must be sane. But they aren’t. They are morally insane. The human mind is a thing of wonder. Reality flexes and bends with the winds of change.
If I could just meet your spath, I would like to slap the crap out of him. Oh please!
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panther says:
Superkid: Yeah, I used to sarcastically joke that I was the one woman FBI. He loved when I’d try to catch him. That was part of the game for him. He told me that he intentionally made mistakes because he wanted to get caught. This made me realize that my catching him a reward for him too, like a scientist putting a mouse in a maze with cheese and getting really excited when his mouse finds the cheese.
Skylar: He wears the mask of sanity like you wouldn’t believe, but you’d sniff him out in two seconds. He is TOO SANE if you catch my drift. In person, he comes off as the guy that gets along with everyone, even people that are impossible to get along with. He’s this tall, dark, handsome guy with these magnetic eyes that glare into you as though trying to disarm you by appearing “cute” and “sweet.”
The last thing these spaths need is to be attractive.
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Ox Drover says:
Panther, if those are photos of your X you probably need to take them down.
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panther says:
Yeah, they were, but why take them down? I did already…just not sure why.
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Ox Drover says:
Unless someone is publicly “outed” by being arrested etc. Donna does not want them to be able to come here and find their name blasted or their photos either. If your X is arrested and there is a photo article about him, put up a LINK TO THE NEWSPAPER, but to just put your X’s photos up and say “he is a psychopath” could be considered slander or liable and make LF liable for legal problems.
You notice I put up an article yesterday about a guy I knew who was arrested and it linked to a photo of him as well. I put up my P son’s name as well, but he is a prisoner in the Texas prison system. I’ve put up other names of people who were arrested or convicted and in prison, but there is nothing they can do about it because it is PROVEN TRUE. You notice even newspaper say “an alleged” X. So that’s what it is about, just to protect LF.
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Safeguard says:
justus5,
“That blank look”.
I’m working on that. I am still way too emotionally triggered by spath-speak. I have anger flare-ups whenever I sense manipulative bs. I am in the Post Depressive, Anger phase of things. I have two modes I live in: Hunkered down in the fox-hole, or out and ready for battle…It’s a process. ~sigh~
SK: Intentionally vague.
That’s it exactly. I always seemed to be in the wrong place, at the wrong time, never getting plans right, misunderstanding what I suppose to know/do… wrong day, wrong street, how could I be so stupid? Didn’t he just tell me?
Spath-Speak is like a foreign language. I am quite proficient in it now.
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justus5 says:
Safeguard-I mastered “the blank look” by fighting with everything I had in me to NOT let the emotions come out. Usually that meant not being able to say a thing, just “the blank look”. It has taken me the better of 1 1/2 years to master it. After putting all my effort into controling my appearances on the outside, my emotions on the inside have just caught up.
Intentionally vague, that IS a good tactic on their part. It’s hard to catch and is it ever crazy making
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panther says:
Safeguard I totally know what you mean! I have a hard time wanting to just BURST and start screaming, “DO YOU REALLY THINK I AM THAT STUPID! I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING!!!”
I think it’s fear that causes the emotional response. Once we learn what manipulation sounds like, we get this acute sense of fear: we know we are prey right at that moment. That triggers our immediate need to defend ourselves, an overwhelming emotional response. At least, this is how it feels for me. When I sense that he’s trying to trick me, I feel like a deer in a field that just heard the grass move, and I feel panicked within.
This is why NC is so helpful in my case. If he even starts talking, I am in danger of getting snatched back up. He really knows my weaknesses and he can hit them very quickly to disarm me. If he even LOOKS at me, I feel my knees get weak. I need to stay far away from him.
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superkid10 says:
I don’t know why I keep letting him take up space in my head. This is something I’m actively working on.
I am really surprised at how much pain there is in ending a relationship with a spath. I can’t believe how long it takes. I can’t believe how difficult it is. I suppose it’s because we can’t just say “things didn’t work out”, but because of the confusion around the whole spathy thing. We didn’t understand it when it arrived, and we can’t quite understand it as it leaves.
I think, if I’m honest with myself, I still don’t have a full appreciation for what SPATHY is. I find myself occasionally in dreamland wondering if he’s ever going to “turn around” and love me back.
DUH.
Superkid
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superkid10 says:
s
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Ana says:
SuperKid10,
I was JUST saying the same thing??? Where the heck is Duped?? Even mentioned it to husband saying “I haven’t seen Duped in a while” Hope she is OK, will say prayers for her.
She will show up again, I’m sure she will
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superkid10 says:
Ah, she just did, other post!
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Ana says:
Superkid,
I saw and responded…GO GET HER!!
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skylar says:
Superkid,
sheesh! you told him you were reading the mask of sanity?
LOL! I absolutely LOVE his response, he knows what he is and he has studied it.
This guy is very dangerous. I’m so glad you are NC.
Please make provisions to keep records of any and all contact with him, if you or he happen to break NC again. Get a small voice recorder microphone. hold it up to the phone when he calls you. Use it to save any voice mails he leaves you. It could make or break your ability to have people believe you. And, as in my case, when the spaths minions realize that you have this evidence, they will have to take you more seriously.
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superkid10 says:
Skylar, yeah, I guess it was a sheesh-bile thing to do, wasn’t it?
Ballsy maybe. But it blew me away that he KNEW it was about him.
So that’s how to record calls? I’m going to go online and buy some equipment now. I hadn’t done it yet because I was worried about it being illegal, and i didn’t understand how.
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Ox Drover says:
SK, different states have different rules about recording phone calls….in some states BOTH parties must know the call is being recorded before it is legal, in SOME states only ONE person must know (you) so be careful, you might call your state Attorney General’s office and find out about what is legal and what is not. In some states it can be a FELONY to record a call without the other party knowing about it.
Just be careful, though, and take care of yourself. Don’t let yourself be caught out alone.
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skylar says:
SK, I would definitely talk to a lawyer and tell him/her your fears and ask what would be the best way to protect yourself. As Oxy said, each state is different.
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superkid10 says:
Thanks.
I talked to the police, they said I could file a police report about what he said, but they said if I do that they have to give him a copy of the report. Then in the future i can use that (the police report) as evidence to get a restraining order.
The second part (restraining order) is fine. But the first part (filing a report, and sharing the report with him) is a problem as it will just anger him perhaps unnecessarily. I don’t know who he is thtreatening.
God these laws suck.
I did call his therapist, a PHD, and reported his threatening behavior, and mentioned he has a firearm and a firearm’s permit. I hope the therapist thinks about what to do.
I read the laws in my state, a therapist is required by law to report anybody who is in for counseling who might be a threat to themselves or others. I mean, that’s a good thing, but, it’s a bad thing in that if the therapist has to “OUT” their client, then their client isn’t likely to be a client for long, is he.
Does anybody actually THINK about these things before enacting regulations.
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Ox Drover says:
SK it is kind of hard in our country to report someone without being named as the “reporter”—and BTW the counselor will ask your X if he said that or feels that way NOW (this second) and if the answer is no, then the counselor is off the hook for reporting the PAST behavior (well, more or less). I suggest that you can contact the people who approve the CONCEALED part of the hand gun permit, but then again, you must REPORT it (and those things ARE taken seriously by that agency) BUT again, he will KNOW WHO REPORTED IT. And it will not take away his right to OWN A GUN, just to carry it concealed.
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skylar says:
SK,
most police don’t really know the laws. They only know their procedures and some rudimentary things.
That’s why I suggested a lawyer. You might find little loopholes in some laws that make it possible to protect yourself without letting him know that you are afraid of him.
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Ox Drover says:
Sky, you are RIGHT about that. Most policemen and women, especially in small towns, the ONLY QUALIFICATION is a GED or a HS diploma and age 21….they are NOT well educated people even about the law. They get SOME training at the police academy but it is not a lot of the law, mostly just procedure and some physical and fire arms training.
In my state, I just found out recently there is a BIG difference between a “restraining order” (violation is no big deal) an “order of protection” (a felony to violate) and a “no-contact” order (no big deal to violate it either) while I had always THOUGHT that the three things were just 3 different “names” for essentially the SAME thing. WRONG!!!!! I had a “no contact” order on the Trojan Horse Psychopath and on my now-X DIL psychopath, but violation was NOT EVEN A SLAP ON THE WRIST! I didn’t realize that until NOW, YEARS **AFTER** THE FACT!
Folks, I can tell you it is a GOOD IDEA to know the laws that apply to your situation and especially if you are in danger or think you are. DO NOT “POO POO” the gut feeling that you are afraid, I tried so hard for months to talk myself out of fleeing my home because I did NOT want to believe I was in danger, because if I acknowledged the danger, I would have had to ACT….and I didn’t want to ACT…but thank God I finally “saw the light” and decided I HAD TO ACT. DENIAL may make us “feel better” for the moment, but it PRECLUDES US TAKING ACTION.
NOT taking action is a CHOICE, and sometimes it can be a FATAL one. I almost found that out the hard way.
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