BOOK REVIEW: Getting It Through My Thick Skull
PDF Finally—the word “sociopath” is being applied to a high-profile case that doesn’t involve a serial killer.
Mary Jo Buttafuoco, wife of Joey Buttafuoco, shot in the head back in 1992 by Amy Fisher, the “Long Island Lolita,” is telling her story. And the first words of the introduction are, “Joey Buttafuoco is a sociopath.”
Getting It Through My Thick Skull—Why I Stayed, What I Learned, and What Millions of People Involved with Sociopaths Need to Know, has just been released. Why did it take Mary Jo 17 years to write the book? Because it was only in 2007 that she realized the truth about Joey Buttafuoco.
Perhaps you remember the case. Mary Jo got shot. The police said her husband was having an affair with her assailant, who was 16 at the time. Joey Buttafuoco denied the affair, and Mary Jo believed him, defended him, and rallied friends and family around him. But the cops were right and she was wrong—her husband was sleeping with the teenager. Then Joey Buttafuoco said it was all Amy Fisher’s fault—and Mary Jo believed him again.
Mary Jo describes the craziness of life with her husband: how he continued to reel her back in, how she coped with the ordeal (she became addicted to painkillers) and how she finally recovered—from the addiction and from Joey. The book is co-written by Julie McCarron, a well-known celebrity collaborator, so it’s an easy read.
Mary Jo Buttafuoco has launched her media tour with an appearance today on Good Morning America. See the coverage:
Mary Jo Buttafuoco speaks out about her ex-husband Joey, the “Sociopath”
Excerpt: Getting It Through My Thick Skull/p>
In her book, this is the message Mary Jo conveys:
I wouldn’t wish marriage or an intimate relationship of any kind to a sociopath on anyone; my hope is that this book will inspire others to “get it” and get out far sooner than I did. I promise there is a great new life on the other side!
Mary Jo actually contacted me when she was starting her book, and we spoke on the phone. Now the book is done, and I hope she gets a lot of publicity. I hope a lot of people buy it—especially people who really don’t understand how many sociopaths are in the world, and what they look like. Maybe, just maybe, this book will be a big step in raising public awareness about sociopaths.
Getting It Through My Thick Skull is available now in the Lovefraud Store.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
OxDrover says:
Dear Catherine,
I wish everyone of us could write a book and get even one-percent of the publicity that maryJo will get, it would change the world. Her case is no “worse” or better than ours even though she got shot, at least she lived to tell the tale and did eventually GET IT what she was dealing with. I’m also glad her son gets it about his dad as well. (rather than be a chip off the old block!)
I am excited about her book mainly because she will get the PUBLICITY that ALL of us DESERVE and can’t get because we didn’t make the CNN news with our stories of horror, doesn’t mean our stories weren’t as “painful” though. ANYTHING or anyone that can bring PUBLIC AND MEDIA ATTENTION to the word sociopath as a NON-serial killer, as just the “guy next door” is ACES in my book.
For her own sake I am glad she got it and is apparently healing, but also for ALL THE SUFFERING SOULS THAT ARE STILL MARRIED TO THE “JOEYs” of this world!
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JaneSmith says:
Sharialso,
Awesome post! Thanks so much for sharing your insight and hard earned wisdom with LF.
Your eye’s are wide open, able to view the world with awareness, crystal clarity. The only way to view our world is by being a die hard realist with a liberal splash of optimism. Hey, it works for me! Every day…
See, as I have diligently worked on my own past emotional/psychological baggage over the last 4 years, my confidence in who I am has grown exponentially. I am content and serene, totally comfortable in my own lovely skin.
And with this newly discovered confidence in who I am as a good, decent, caring woman but also strong with unswerving conviction, values, beliefs I am quite able to weed out toxic people sometimes within a very short time, like 5 minutes, I kid you not. My intuition, my intolerance, impatience for inexcusable bad behavior are rockin and rollin! So true!
I don’t suffer fools any longer. And when I say fools, I am pinning the tail on the PDI donkeys. THEY are the fools as I cannot nor will not imagine an existence as devoid of depth as those creatures possess. Not my life, no sirree bobby boy!!
I have learned to compartmentalize people. Not make snap unjustifed judgments, that’s not what I’m saying at all. If I consider said person that I meet who might possibly be toxic, exploitive, selfish, childish (as indicative of their behavior)…BAM! In my “No Contact” “Will ignore indefinitely” tidy little self preservation box they shall go.
I mean, really, do any of us wonderful people on LF wish to continue pursuing the train wreck that is PDIs after fluently educating ourselves about them? After we worked so hard to beneficially heal ourselves from the past damage? I say…”Heck no! We won’t go!”
To all you peeps still struggling through the morass keep on pluggin. Stay on that most liberating path of healing. Never give up on yourself because you most certainly DO matter. You are most certainly valuable, priceless even.
I know this because Jesus tells me so!!
Peace, Love and Joy to all…
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OxDrover says:
Dear Sharialso,
I second jane’s opinon of your post! AWESOME, well put and very true. Welcome!!!!!!
Janie, my dear sweet friend, you are so awesome, too, and I have watched your progress for so long, as you ahve been there to support and encourage me and I so appreciate your presence here on LF, not only for me, but for the compassion and wisdom you have shared with others.
I am so proud of and for MaryJo and glad that she was willing to bare her soul for the world to see to expose ALL the sociopaths out there. It gives me hope that the word is spreading like a giant search light that will expose the sociopaths and abusers. as the Bible says, EVIL loves to hide in the dark, but exposing them to THE LIGHT OF RECOGNITION shrivels them like a “vampire”!!!! ONWARD AND UPWARD, TOWANDA MARYJO!!!!
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banana says:
Oxy,
Thank you so much for the HARD LINE I needed it.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. My therapist said I was putting people into the role of mother, rescuer.
I was a bit confused at first b/c with my P, I was the rescuer. Now I was trying to figure out why my friend was treating me the same way my mom did; negatively supportive ie: “If you go back to him I’ll never speak to you again… will go NC with you” (Mom) “If you go back to him you will never be welcome back here. You’ll have to find another attorney b/c this one’s gonna think you’re crazy!” (GF)
I was used to this behavior with my mom, b/c she’s been this way my whole life (not exactly) and since the A even more so.
But this was the first time I had heard/seen such freakishly similar behavior from a friend. I wanted to cry. Talking to my therapist, I did. Then called my mom and cried more.
Sorry for the rant. What I am trying to sau is that I GET that I AM the one in control here. At some-point with is entirely up to me. I must Take control. No matter who I run to for help, or whos shoulder I cry on, they cannot handle my P for me. It is completely within my control. I just need to step up and take it.
Now lets see if I can put knowledge into practice.
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Matt says:
Hi, All:
Just wanted to pop in fast — I’m flying off to GB and the Emerald Isle in a few hours, so I’ll be off the boards for a week or so. Thought I’d escape the dreadful weather in NYC –rainy and humid and go to a place which is — rainy and cold. Ah, well — the good friends and better scotch and Irish whiskey should make everything look good again.
Be well, my friends.
Matt
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Tilly says:
Bo Voyage Matt! I hpe you are takin the new crush with you! Then it won’t matter if its rainy and cold! xo
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Tilly says:
GO Banana !:
Now you are moving fast! Thats where I am up to…trying to put all this knowledge into practise!
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JaneSmith says:
Have fun, Matt! Bon Voyage!
Oxyspecialiscious–Love ya, babe! You know this already but wanted to shout it out again! Reminders of appreciation feel so wonderful, don’t they?
xxooxxooxxooxxooxxoo…to infinity and beyond!!1!!
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learnthelesson says:
Matt -
Cheers! TowandO! You go guy!!!!!
Lately, been having to ask myself…do I want to live in the moment or live in the past?? And I TRY to make the choice of living in the moment WAY MORE TIMES than I choose to live in the past. Granted I had to “live in the past” for a while to get answers to my questions and get clarity and begin healing…but I still fight myself with the urge to go back (in my mind) to my past with him…
I seek balance… I yearn for balance…it seems to be this “state” that I reach for but is at times still so far out of reach… I wont give up, I know I have the power to put it all behind me…but the process sometimes feels like forever…I just have to continue to focus on how far Ive come and the fact that every person is their own entity – making choices based on their past and present and future — some people are good for me and others (x tox) are just bad for me in my life. BASED ON THIER CHOICES. ughhh, set backs are buzz killers to the max!!
And then Matt to the rescue showing us if we continue to work on ourselves and focus on healthy relationships and live in the moment – it is possible to get to a better place and back to a place of balance!!!!
thanks Matt…
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OxDrover says:
Dear Banana,
You are so RIGHT!!! Only YOU can save yourself. We can be here to cheer you on, or tell you you are “stuuped” but we can’t live your life for you, and we can’t take the CONSEQUENCES of your decisions away from you.
We are all adults here, and each of us is responsible to our own self for our decisions. Remember “Biddy’ who came here, (she is married to TNewman’s cheating X-P) and she went to TNewman for “advice” and came here for “advice” but in the end, she decided to FALL FOR his LIES AND TRY TO RESCUE HIM—AGAIN.!!!
We can’t stop her, she must make her own decision based on what she believes (or wants to believe) and if she can’t see the trees for the forest (of truth and evidence) we can’t give her “sight.”
You CAN take charge of your life, but it is UP TO YOU. Your X can’t hook you in if YOU DO NOT ALLOW IT. You have seen the EVIDENSE that he is TOXIC (whatever the “diagnosis” would be) he will always be toxic, he will always lie—and you have seen the PROOF OF THIS. If you want to ignore this proof, notbhing I say or nothing anyone else says will make any difference. Your GF can quit talking to you if you go back (that’s her right to not be your friend if you do things she feels are unhealthy) She might also not be your friend if you started robbing banks either! LOL
Banana, dear, you can do whatever you set your mind to, we are stronger than any of us give ourselves credit for most of the time. There will be good days and days when you doubt yourself, but on those days just come here and ask me to “hit you on the head with my cyber cast iron skillet TO GET YOUR ATTENTION” and I will be glad to BOINK! you!!!! LOL ((((hugs)))))
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breckgirl says:
I love the books by Sue Grafton – she has a series with a female detective named Kinsey Millhone-
haven’t done any reading for pleasure lately and picked up
“T is for Trespass” (the series starts with A is for Alibi and so)
The entire book is about a sociopath and it is chilling and I think (as an amateur at this) pretty accurate.
Maybe the knowledge is slowly seeping into public consciousness more than we realize-
our Rain Man break through for sociopathy may not have occurred yet but it may be coming – I certainly
hope so…
I have to tell you I still struggle enormously trying to mentally get my mind to understand the utter self absorption-
the callousness, the lack of empathy – really really struggle to grasp it and yet this horror has helped me to clean
out my personal closet of a lot of stinky stuff/relationships that were not as obvious to me – including the ones with
my family of origin.
Anyway thought I should bring this fictional work to your attention…even though you may know of it as it was published in 07…
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Tilly says:
Oxy:
One thing we know for sure, if Biddy doesn’t end up dead, SHE WILL DEFINITELY BE BACK HERE! lol!
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OxDrover says:
I’m not sure who posted this, but I think it was on LF (CRS) but she had been to a shelter and noticed photographs framed on the walls of various women with names and dates. She asked if those were successful women who had been at the shelter, the woman at the shelter answered and said “No, those are women who went back and their partners murdered them.”
Of course we know that not every psychopath kills their partners physically, though many if not most, kill the soul and spirit of the people that they attck. those closest to them.
Not every blogger or victim who comes here “gets it” or stays out of ALL psychopathic relationships, some I would venture go on to another psychopathic relationship because they do not HEAL, they simply “get over” one but have the same vulnerabilities that allowed them to be hooked by the first one.
While I have not had a series of “love or romantic” relationships (only one) I have had a series of relationships with psychopaths and have not handled them in a way that was healthy, now I am learning new ways, and like breckgirl says, I am learning and getting the people in my life who are NOT healthy out of my “circle of trust” and trying to live a saner and more healthy life—P-free as much as is humanly possible as long as we are on Planet Earth!
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eyeswideshut says:
Hey Matt, Wonderful to hear you happy and doing your thang! Have a great trip!.
Going back to the earlier point about believing there is good in everyone, perhaps the other dangerous notion we are raised with ( or acquire somehow) is the idea that people do “change”.
Can anyone here, with our combined years of experience, site a case where a person who is exploitive, manipulative, and shameless changes???
Of course some mental conditions do pass and are treatable, but when we see the above? No way.
What makes it so hard to give up on the P, is perhaps that they did “change” They “changed” from the wonderful attentive, love of our life into a monster. Deep down, I am sure we keep trying to have the original version back for a long time, before realizing that person never was.
And then there are all the other pressures to stay together, children, family, freinds, finances. We end up feeling , or at least I did, selfish for pursuing my own sanity by ending the relationship.
Despite being ruined financially (unless I find his stash of $$) there is still not a day goes by I am not grateful for having the guts to jump ship.
Good for Mary Jo for sharing her story and educating on this important issue. Wonder if we can get her to plug LoveFraud as a place to learn and heal.
Peace to all.
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biglebowski says:
hi guys, I’m new to this forum.
I lived with a sociopath gf for 2 yrs. I kicked her out in January after she threw things at me. Then I found she had stolen a number of my things including my passport. When I confronted her she summoned the Police to my house within minutes and tried to have me arrested on suspicion of stealing from her! I also suspect she started sleeping with her new landlord within a matter of weeks. She led and taped private conversations and manipulated all contact heavily to make me look the “baddie”. Whenever I challenged her on anything (eg a neighbour saying she’d asked him for sex) she raged and caused damage at my property.
I’ve endured chronic gaslighting, physical threats and for the past few months I’ve been the subject of a sustained smear campaign she has instigated with my neighbours.
I have maintained no contact however now and then she initiates a vaguely friendly correspondence. This is to get me to do something for her or give her money. When I decline the gates of hell open. She recently launched a fierce verbal attack on my new gf and lectured me on NC (the irony!). That was the last straw and I refuse to have anything to do with her now.
In contrast to many posters’ experiences, at no stage since she left has she asked to come back, grovelled or otherwise made anything other than the feeblest of efforts to redeem herself. He comms are always rude, threatening, offensive and domineering.
My questions are:
1) Can you ever establish a non-manipulative rapport with these people even years later? Or will they keep the devalue/discard cycle going? She is 43 and thankfully not amazingly criminal (not recently but she did some drug smuggling years ago) and i was lucky to escape with giving her only a few expensive gifts, although there were several dodgy “business propositions” I avoided.
2) I have studiously avoided responding to goading texts making vile false allegations such as “pedo” etc and calling me and my friends “freaks” and “cripples” etc. How does it make them feel when you don’t respond? Do they rage or is there simply “nothingness”.
Sorry to post slightly off topic but as I say I’m new.
Cheers
Dude
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learnthelesson says:
Is that a good movie? The Big Lebowski? Do you relate to the character The Dude most?
Anyway
1. No
2. A. Depends on the mood they are in.
B. Depends on the day.
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justabouthealed says:
learnthelesson: I really related to your “Lately, been having to ask myself…do I want to live in the moment or live in the past?? And I TRY to make the choice of living in the moment WAY MORE TIMES than I choose to live in the past. Granted I had to “live in the past” for a while to get answers to my questions and get clarity and begin healing…but I still fight myself with the urge to go back (in my mind) to my past with him.”
Me too. I think it is because we DO want to make sure we have learned the lesson! But as one friend said to me, “don’t let your past define who you are today.” I think that is a powerful statement too.
I did get one more insight today, ironically, which helped me put his little ass in perspective. It was truly a unique situation that let me get so hooked, and I did learn lessons that will, I am very confident, keep me from getting hooked again. But I still catch myself in my “people pleasing” mode, instead of being self-directed. There are other traits of mine that contributed to him being able to manipulate me, but I never forget he was the bad guy, because it took me so long to see that.
It all has been a very painful and hard lesson to learn, but I did learn it.
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blindsided31 says:
eyeswide shut said :
“What makes it so hard to give up on the P, is perhaps that they did “change” They “changed” from the wonderful attentive, love of our life into a monster. Deep down, I am sure we keep trying to have the original version back for a long time, before realizing that person never was.”
So so true. In my case, he doesn’t want me back. This is a bad week for me, he dumped me a year ago tomorrow-said he “didn’t love me” despite acting like he did for 18 mos. Soon after, I discovered that he had moved on to his next victim, “scoring” on the very day he dumped me. Just like you said, eyeswideshut, on that awful day a year ago, he turned into a monster right before my eyes- the person that I thought I knew, my lover and best friend, suddenly disappeared and in his place was a stranger- some monster I did not know.
After a year of mostly NC (7 weeks this time, he called 7 weeks ago- basically just to hurt me some more)- I still have not fully accepted that the person I thought I knew never was–so so sad. I will keep reading LF and trying to gain strength from all the kind people on this site. But the emptyness and sadness remains. Its still so hard to accept I was so badly duped.
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learnthelesson says:
JAH,
I agree with you a very painful and hard lesson…and learning it will make you that much stronger and better able to not repeat it.
I sometimes wonder why HE had such a strong hold on me. Ive parted ways with others in my lifetime — but with him (the one who ultimately treated me the worst) I just had the most difficult time removing myself, staying away, moving on…
And with moving on, the nicest guys, mannerly, treating me well, respectful, patient, understanding…I still find myself drifting back to thoughts of him..it ANNOYS ME…but it wont get the best of me. I wont let it.
I want to understand why I cant completely put him in the “I feel nothing for him” zone… the ” I dont think about him and could care less about him” zone. What is it about my nature that allows me to let him in my mind sometimes STILL…
All the lessons Ive learned, I still struggle with the hold he had on me. And I fight so hard to make sure I put him in this place of complete non-existence in my mind — and then I find im still battling that one last piece.
As blindsided said Its still so hard to accept I was so badly duped…but what I really want to be accepting is that I wasnt badly duped, I was going through the motions of a relationship and I was trusting and believing and slowly accepting odd behaviors or meeting strange requests for loans,etc…beginning to notice differences in actions vs words, and all the drum rolls that go with each red flag… I was LEARNING what an unhealthy relationship was, i was LEARNING what a relationship with a Sociopath is like…I wasnt being duped in the sense I was clueless (I just never before experienced such a situation and didnt have the tools to deal with it…etc…) but I fell in love and right or wrong that has haunted me and although I got away and removed myself and took my love and friendship away — falling out of love with the original person he portrayed himself to be has been much harder than the realization of who he really is and the fact I got duped.
This is still about me and LEARNING TO LET GO COMPLETELY. Ugh Ive come so far only to see I still have more work to do. Its not that big of a deal – its just the fact that I feel so close to where i want to be and something is holding me back. Maybe the finality of it all is getting the best of me…. just venting…bad week…
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Tilly says:
LTL:
Its that he hurt you so much whilst you loved him, that is hard to get past.
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PInow says:
Hey, I just thought of something. Well, I can’t take all the credit. It’s something my counselor said awhile ago and it just now hit me after reading blindsided’s last blog….I will try to explain this as best I can:
So, “I still have not fully accepted that the person I thought I knew never was”… This is very true for me as well. Instead of trying to make amends with the Non-existence of this person we THOUGHT we knew, I thought: OH, Dear, I learned a lot from that period of time. I learned about me: that I know how to love. I had experienced the best shrink and the best friend and the best illusion of all. I know now that if it’s too good to be true, it probably isn’t good at all. I also have learned that while the person speaking the words was very flowed, the words weren’t. I incorporated the meaning, it enriched me, and this is something (though he did not aim for) that cannot be taken away. So, to all who had and lost the best pretender – let’s celebrate the feeling we had, let’s incorporate the words we heard and now – in the absence of the P, let’s repeat these words to ourselves. They used these words to disarm and manipulate us, we will use them to strengthen and rebuilt what was lost.
I tell you, it’s amusing to think that their plan was to destroy, but in our desire to focus on the positive, we can use their own ploy to rebuild ourselves. Down with the recent memories, let’s bathe in what it was while we were charmed. And – yes, let’s celebrate that it’s over, because living in a fog is like living in a state of REM sleep. What do you think?
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learnthelesson says:
Tilly,
Yes..with tears…a great big painful hurting yes, it was and still is hard to admit and get past. BUT I WANT TO AND NEED TO… thank you
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learnthelesson says:
PI Now –
Yes learned alot from that period of time, learned about me: that I know how to love.
I like turning it around to a positive… I love turning it around to a positive and rebuild ourselves. And I wouldnt want to go back for anything, it will just always be the relationship that had the greatest meaning for me yet with the best fake friend Ive ever known. Isnt there something just so wrong about that sentence tho!!
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shabbychic says:
LTL… ditto on the “Ugh”
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PInow says:
I agree with you. I am trying to make the best of the worst situation any of us could ever imagine ourselves in. The Nazis used to offer chocolate candy to starving kids from behind the barb wire. If the kids went for the treat, they’d get shot. It was a “time well spent” for the self – entertaining fascists. There is nothing wrong with a bit of the chocolate candy now and again. It’s getting shot that we try to avoid. So, musing on the taste may be well within our reach. I like this: “the best fake friend I’ve ever had”. Did you have an imaginary friend growing up?
I did not, but I hear that they can be a lot of fun too. Let’s think of the ITs as imaginary. Then, just as dual they are, we’ll be able to respond to the Good that we are capable of incorporating and the bad that we wish to overcome. Hell, I can no longer imagine my X or remember him, because every time I do, my mind skips to all the dichotomies and refuses to incorporate them into one person. So, I choose and pick because I want to be in control. If we make ourselves smile, our brains will think they are happy. So, I smile. Bet, it isn’t the response he thinks he’d evoked.
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learnthelesson says:
Blindsided –
Im sorry for your pain this week as well.
Please remember its not that he didnt want you back…its that there is usually a time frame involved with these types of people…and if there was any pressure or questioning (rightly so) on your part or any reason number of reasons he decided it would be easier for him to hook the next victim than continue on with you…
You were with a bad man. His intentions werent ever with your best interest at heart. Accepting that if you remained with him — you would still be filled with emptiness and saddness tomorrow (for different reasons)…maybe with his wife or maybe blowing you off for involvement with another affair or pretending he was on a business trip when he was with someone else….my point is…to be with him or to be without him …leaves you with the same feeling. Except to be without him you have more balance and calmness and peace and less confusion and crazymaking. Please tomorrow, remember, you lost a bad man from your life.. NOT A GOOD MAN. Celebrate tomorrow the fact that you are not celebrating an anniversay with a secretive, slimy BAD MAN in your life – unbeknowngst to you!
You have Angels watching over you protecting you and they will be celebrating with you tomorrow as will all of us that he is not in your life, using you, or emotionaly abusing you any more! Hang in there! You are making it through and better off for it!!! NC NC NC!!!
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PInow says:
I totally agree with Learnthelesson: as evil as they are, they are still human. Doing so much pretending gets boring and they want to go for another act. It’s like being an actor all their life. I found – through these posts – that often 2-3 years is the max that they can handle. 2 years is scientifically how long it takes for the “love hormones” to change. So, the crazy passion is out of the system, no need to pretend and no matter what you’d throw at their feet, it’s ON to the next “great and wonderful pastures”. sometimes, when I do recall my X, I realize that it was like having a pet in the house: he gave me all the unconditional love when I was around. He was just missing a wagging tail. It’s the rest of the day that he did not seem to care. But, then again, the pet turned into a vicious predator when he threatened to kill me. Yeap, Celebrate. For, it is good that you have not lost more than the 18months on this loser.
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learnthelesson says:
PI Now,
Great theory! No imaginary friend for me as a child, at least not that I recall. But lately Ive been looking around at others and noticing the happier people in life…Ive been toying with What if I TRY to choose to just be happy…happier thoughts…Ive been so concerned about digging deep and getting all the wounds healed and not covering up anything…and maybe Im there…maybe Im closing in on letting go and WANTING to TRY this happy thing again…perhaps on some level its pretending or tricking the brain to jumpstart…but heck gotta start somewhere…its definitely been on my mind to really just go for it and get going forward completely letting go…with a smile…vs. staying stuck in negativity and nonproductive thoughts…
Also, my cousin shared a quote with me…
“When life offers you a dream so far beyond any of your expectations, its not reasonable to grieve when it comes to an end”
But in keeping with what you said about all we learned and how we grew – this quote helps me have a more positive perspective to find the positive from the bad relationship and bad ending and move on with a smile…
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PInow says:
Thank you!! If I could only inspire one
…..
That’s what it’s all about. The Ps will never get it. And – imagine – nothing is asked in return,
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learnthelesson says:
Dr Seuss said..
“Dont cry because its over, be happy that it happened” For healthy relationships that have ended…
Dr Seuss would probably say to us…
“Be happy its over, dont cry because it happened” For unhealthy relationships with Sociopaths that ended badly!
Thanks for turning my frown upside tonight…
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PInow says:
That one put a huge smile on my face. Can we use it as a logo on LF opening page? Seriously, this pearl of a thought should stay in our faces. I think it’s so true!! Sleep well tonight, with a smile.
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learnthelesson says:
Ditto…and lets wake up smiling too… thx PI..goodnight
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libelle says:
Better late than never; my very best wishes for a pleasant, memorable, safe, relaxing trip! Matt, have a GREAT time!! I am so relieved that after X/S/N/P there are alternatives to “cloister or death”! You are THE perfect example to prove it. Towanda!!!!
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Tilly says:
LTL:
“it will just always be the relationship that had the greatest meaning for me yet with the best fake friend Ive ever known.” That just about sums it up for me too! And yes! there is definitely something wrong with that! lol!
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blueskies says:
Matt:) I just saw your post. Hope you’re having a good time and havent forgotton to bring an umbrella and wellies!!x (Actually, a rubber dingy might be in order!)x
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ThornBud says:
blindsided31,
I can feel with u, and feel ur pain. It hurted me that i was replaced next day , until i came here and i have learned it is a pattern. It has nothing to do with u or me, it is THEM, they cant afford one single day to be alone. Usually they are backedup with more than one, just in case
and what i believe is that there is never just one “spare” victim. They need to be sure to provde a stock. If it is posible, they would also love to keep all former victims and use them (if they need additional source of supply later, after we recover). I dont hink he broke NC in order to hurt u more, but he just wanted to be sure if he can come back in case he need it. As someone wrote here: they dont want US, but they want us to want them. Gosh, what a freaks……….
Matt:
i am so happy for u! Thank u for giving a hope to all of us. Enjoy every moment of ur journey!
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JaneSmith says:
Biglebowski,
Welcome to LF. As Oxy would say…”sorry you need to be here”, but it IS a healing place to be.
And, I love the Coen brothers’ movies. You should watch “Burn after Reading.” That film is virtually filled with personality disordered folks and also your garden variety immature, ridiculous pseudo-adults. Dark humor, yes, but so eerily realistic after researching PDs.
And to further elaborate on the answers LTL gave you, it really does depend on the psycho. From what I’ve read on here, the tragic stories of good people, some PDIs seek revenge from their former partner who got wise and/or simply tired of the BS, and then fled from the psycho.
Seems the P/S/N doesn’t like when his/her partner wakes up and smells the coffee to the realization that he/she is totally screwed up in the head, heart and spirit. Then the absurd slander begins. And it is absurd. It’s like the psycho is trying to save face, by creating a smear campaign against their former normal partner. Covering their tracks and seeking to maintain the illusion that he/she is not so bad a person. You know, so the new victims in their life remain confused for further exploitation.
But some PDs seem to lose interest and move on to the next victim fairly quickly. Without a backward glance to all the chaos, damage and destruction they’ve caused. It really depends on the situation, evil humanoid I guess.
I’m no expert, for sure, but I’ve had over 20+ years “experience” with PDIs so I would most certainly hazard a guess that I could rightfully state…”been there, done that, was hurt tremendously, now healed”
I would kindly suggest that you stay firm on your decision to have NO CONTACT with the ex. She is obviously not rational, not logical, not reasonable or sensible, not mentally normal or capable of honest communciation so…ignore her.
You’re aware that the crap that comes out of her mouth is a smoke screen for her machinations, her projection onto you to escape any type of accountability, responsibility for her devious actions.
If you’re done with her, completely, NO CONTACT indefinitely. Just my 2 cents.
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blindsided31 says:
I made it through today, the one year anniversary of D&D , when “he” turned into a monster before my eyes
(actually it was the 31st, but today feels like the anniversary because 7/31/08 was a Thursday).
I was very busy at work today so didn’t have much time to think. When I got home and logged onto to LF Blog, I saw all the nice responses to my post yesterday- and I actually felt OK. I thought back to how I felt a year ago- like I was punched in the stomach- I don’t think I ate for a week and cried non-stop. So I know I am healing- I did not cry today (yet) and had a fine appetite.
Thanks for all the support.
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justabouthealed says:
Congratulations on passing that milestone. Way to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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henry says:
blindsided31 – I have always liked your screenname because blindsided describes so well the effect they have on us..my one year reminder was sometime back in april, I have no idea what the date was or day of the week – I just remember he said ‘you will never meet anyone like me again’ and drove away, I think I sat in that chair a week..anyway time is our friend, glad you are doing so well…..
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justabouthealed says:
LTL: The book Women Who Love too Much (which is NOT one of my favorite books, too much blame the victim) says there will never be a love as compelling as the one that recreates an original trauma. For me that was someone who treated me like I wasn’t quite good enough, that it was fine to stop speaking to me, to act like I had done something wrong when I hadn’t, to hurt me on purpose, etc.
Because they re-create what “love” felt like as a child, they are hard to get ‘over”, even when a good love comes along.
At least that was true for me. Not everyone was betrayed by love, and not everyone was re-creating a trauma unconsciously.
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Tilly says:
Henry:
OMG I have had those exact “Last words ” said to me by two ex boyfriend psychopaths! It must be in their manual.
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justabouthealed says:
But now the good news is it is no longer compelling to me….thank god! But it took a couple of years to sort it all out.
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henry says:
Tilly what really pisses me off about it was I had made him leave several times before that, told him to go live his life somewhere else, that this is just not a healthy relationship. but in a few weeks there he would be with the pity and promises and I would take him back. I realize now he had no other options at that point, it was when he had options that he left me.. And when he chose me way back when – I was his only option at the time – I hate being an option…
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Tilly says:
Henry,
Thank God we didn’t end up wasting a LONGER AMOUNT of our time with our “fake best relationship ever”. The longer we are with them the more they get under our skin. We will leave their OSCARS for “BEST PERFORMANCE OF THE DECADE” on their shelf where it belongs and try to recover long enough to trust someone again. xo
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2MUCH2TAKE says:
I am so thankful for this website. I truly believe there are way more “sick-o’s” out there than we know.
I used to think people we good also. I have NEVER felt the negative emotions inside myself than I do now. I am not “out” as of yet. Much less contact, not allowing myself to be exploited as before. And told him so.
I have not “caught” him red-handed but have had soooo many red flags. About other women. I have witnessed his “neediness” to be accepted by other women, but have never caught him. The lies, lies, lies though. Unbelievable!! Out of nowhere. And much secrecy. He knows far more about me than I have ever known about him. Twenty years. I left him once. For a few years. I truly WAS left emotionally, spiritually, and mentally bankrupt. I am gleaning so much from all of you people. This is a nice place to be.
I believe we are just part of these SP’s collections. The more vulnerable and innocent, the longer they can control. What really surprises me on this web site is that they are so predictable. The conning and manipulations. And lies with no remorse or regret. Like WE deserve it.
I “rescued” my SP. He is a much better person today for knowing me. His whole family has said so. They said he would have been in prison for sure had he not met me. ~He spent some time in jail for DUI’s during our relationship. What they don’t realize is that I am so much worse of a person from knowing him! I have no trust in anyone. What a “mental vampire” he has been. I hate him for it. And I hate myself for being soo stupid. Never, ever again. I can’t wait until I get to where I hear some of you are. I due time.
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banana says:
My STBXP(S) tells me the day he picks up DS that he needs me to meet him 12 hours early because he has a prior engagement.
I told him I wish he told me sooner. I gave him no guarantee I could.
He said he was going to his ‘rents. He was mad I didn’t have shoes on DS…he didn’t care last week, as DS has shoes at STBX’s “home”.
Then he says he’s “staying” at his ‘rents.
Q:Why didn’t he pack clothes for DS?
A:LIE he’s not staying at his ‘rents
BTW his “Prior Engagement” is in OW’s hometown or his “home”.
Q: Why?
A: He’s trying to convince me he’s living with his ‘rents. Maybe OW is away, so he needs to be back “home” so she doesn’t know he was “staying at his ‘rents”
Ahhhhhhh. Arghhhhhh.
I wish I could call him on it, but we all know there will be a million more BAD lies to try to cover it up.
Ps I am putting GPS in the Diaper bag!!!!!!now
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banana says:
LTL said,
“Ive been toying with What if I TRY to choose to just be happy…happier thoughts…Ive been so concerned about digging deep and getting all the wounds healed and not covering up anything…and maybe Im there…maybe Im closing in on letting go and WANTING to TRY this happy thing again…”
LearnedTheLesson,
I’ve found that I try to focus on the hear and now also. I feel it is important to feel the pain in order to release it, but I have found that the best place to do this is in a controlled environment like therapy. I feel that I am healing, but it is not “dragging me down” so to speak.
Blindsided,
Please don’t feel hurt that he looks to have “moved on”. I thought it hurt to be “left behind” but it was SO MUCH easier to keep NC when he was involved with his mistress.
Me thinks all is not so wonderful in wonderland. I could be wrong but I think if he was happy with her, he’d be happy seeing his son 3 days a week.
I think he is just keeping me around (yes, he wants me to want him) SORRY.
As ThornBud said…I am backstock, a bullpin. He kept Ex GF around throughout our engagement, and now he’s tried to loop her in again. Now me too.
I want out of the loop, Blindsided. This is best for your healing, and I pray that your P/S stays out of your life. Your healing will be so much easier. If he tries to come back to you, you will be tempted. Remember you are in a healthier place now.
This hooking has been hard on me. I was in a place of peace and moving forward. With him begging me and lying to me, it’s like being back in the relationship again when I knew he was still seeing her. It hurts BAD!
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banana says:
Henry,
A good quote for you…
“Never make someone a priority who considers you an option.”
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blindsided31 says:
I cried today. I hurt today. I love your quote, banana:
“Never make someone a priority who considers you an option.” That is surely my story, of course I didn’t know it at the time.
NC – no problem now because he says he is done with me anyway, “doesn’t want to hurt me again because he doesn’t love me”. But if he contacted me again, it still would be very hard to say no. However, I did make it through the anniversary of the D&D intact.
I was told by a couple of people that he taught me to love in a way I never knew- but how sad that I was loving a “fantasy person”.
I continue to take each day as it comes and continue to read the caring comments on this blog.
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