When the pain caused by a sociopath doesn’t stop
PDF Almost three years ago, Lovefraud published the story of a man from the UK whom I called Tom. Tom’s wife left him for another man, took their children, had him arrested on false charges nine times and wiped him out financially. Here is the original story:
UK man says sociopath stole his life
Now, three years later, Tom still hasn’t seen his children. His ex-wife and her new husband, who also sounds like a sociopath, have removed the children from the UK. They live in France, at a small town near the Swiss border. “My heart bleeds every minute for the loss,” he writes. “It is a living bereavement and a nightmare from which I may never awake.”
I asked Tom if he was taking care of himself. Here’s his reply:
I have taken care of myself and for the most part I am okay. Some days are worse than others. I do have my very depressed and painful days … but I close my eyes, dream of days and memories of long ago, sleep and they pass.
I have to deal with my health and look after my parents. My mother phones me and cries about her grandson all the time. She has post-traumatic difficulties and says she cannot connect with her other grandchildren because of what she feels for my son. She feels a deep loss and is constantly worried about the kids. Every open discussion starts with them [opening the scar] and ends with them.
I am holding my own and my health has deteriorated but I am stable. I hold my family in the balance on many fronts. I am keeping it together but the pain is immense at times.
I am working and seem to have bounced back somewhat to where I used to be… the years have been tearful, painful and costly. I don’t think that I will every really recover.
Releasing the pain
How do you cope when there is no resolution in sight?
I asked Tom about how he is taking care of himself because that may be, for the time being, all he can do. Emotional pain weakens us and makes it difficult to continue the battle. So somehow, Tom needs to alleviate the pain, even though his circumstances have not changed.
This seems counterintuitive—how can he feel better when his children are still kept away from him? The solution is to deal with the pain directly. Pain can be processed and released, even when the source of the pain has not changed.
Pain comes from wanting things to be different. The solution is to accept what is, for the time being, reality. This does not mean giving up hope. It does not mean quitting the legal battle. But it does mean letting go of the internal upset that keeps us trapped, and makes us ill.
How do we do that? We allow ourselves to feel the pain and grief at our loss. This is best done privately, or perhaps with a skilled counselor. We allow ourselves to cry, moan with the anguish, perhaps pound pillows in our anger. We continue until we feel a release, and then we stop.
Tom will probably have to do this many times—the well of his pain and grief is deep. But each time grief is released, it makes room for healing. And from a place of healing, it is possible to find the internal resources to continue the battle.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
MariaLisa says:
Thanks everybody for your responses, it REALLY means a lot to me. To know that some of your suffered for much longer ( I mean being in the relationship longer) and having even kids with such a person, seems just unbearable to me. So much respect to you all. I think he truly made an art of torturing me emotional and it never ccurred to me while I was in it it….It feels so humiliating. I suppose that is where the anger comes from. I can definitely relate to some of what you say, like SHABBYCHIC; you wanna look at what you have done in this, I have the same, WHY, because it could possibly make us feel less powerless if we had a part in it. But fact is until you KNOW you are powerless. And again that makes me angry that we live in a world where this can just be pulled off unpunished. Or worse: rewarded. My ex goes through life having a wonderful life, just TAKING from people, taking and taking. Abhorrent, if I think of it too much it DOES poison me and I physically get ill. I think MATT has a good point in shifting your life back to your own interests, I would say that is what helps a lot, yet its SUCH a bumpy lonely ride too…SKYLAR what you feel I ca relate to aswell I had some nasty reactions when I came out with the truth too ( also some good ones and people who have rejected him because of what I have shown of his reality), which is really truly almost unbearable. Thats why NC is best I guess too…I struggle with that, wanting to unveil him some more, but knowing it will be hard on myself at the same time. WIll we ever really let go people?! HUmmingbird, you sound so sweet, please take care of you!! All the others: thank you thank you, I relate to you all and your experiences help me!
After reading all of this my question is whetehr all of you/any of you struggle with the idea this world would be such a better place if EVERYONE was educated about that 1-4% of people and what they are all about. Lord knows it would have helped me.
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ErinBrockovich says:
MarieLisa:
“After reading all of this my question is whetehr all of you/any of you struggle with the idea this world would be such a better place if EVERYONE was educated about that 1-4% of people and what they are all about. Lord knows it would have helped me.”
YES>>>>I so belive in education on this subject of Sociopaths…..
I can’t tell you!!!!!!!
Finding this out was my ‘answer’ to all the ‘whys’ that I asked for 28 years.
The minute I was given this information, and researched it myslef….was the minute my life was saved/changed and got better!
This knowledge was my gift….
It’s all about the evolution and I see the more people around ME that ‘get it’ I am so pleased…..teh 1-4% stat means WE ALL HAVE BEEN AFFECTED BY THEM!!!!! AND QWILL CONTINUE to be!
SO we must pay attention and educate others and watch the blossoms grow on our knowledge and education tree!
SHhhhhhh…….pass it along!
Take good care of ML……you deserved the BEST in life!!!!
XXOO
eb
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MariaLisa says:
ErinB
Thanks so much!! I wish everybody one here the best cause I know it takes an abundance of conscience to have been in a relationship with a sociopath, how on earth else did we make excuses for their behavior, it was because we empathized WAY too much. I am having a better day today ( I started writing here last night, Im in European time zone), just realizing I dont HAVE to be around people like that anymore. It makes me mega depressed that I will have contact with them again and will suffer, but I can now see patterns which will prevent me ( I PRAY AND HOPE!) from being too personally invested with one again to the point as with my ex, where he brought me to lows I never held possible…and still.
How do we educate people on this though, I notice that most people think the whole ‘ sociopath label’ is way too dramatic they feel ( people are too scared to acknowledge it and just wanna put their head in the sand rather than seeing the reality of that person). I find it hard to explain it to people who havent personally been affected by one in a big way. I mean you have to lay down so much evidence before people get it. If I wouldnt have had this experience I wouldnt have got it. Whats your view on that? Personally I wish research will make it an easy trick to diagnose one through brain scans real easy and cheap so every person in any court or whatever can take one. Cause my ex passed a lie detector!!! Can you believe it? And he felt sooo good about it…
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Donna Andersen says:
MariaLisa:
I wrote on this topic awhile back. As several people have said, you need to release the anger. There’s a book that may help you called “Facing the Fire.” here’s some info:
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/.....sociopath/
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Brilhancy says:
MariaLisa
I keep wondering if we will ever recover from the trauma. It has been 7 years now that I had the strength to separate. As a revenge he left to our country of origin leaving our 2 children behing and never contact them, He took all the money that he could and never looked back. A few days ago (after 7 years of NC and not knowing his whereabouts) he sent an email to his son (who is now 24 yrs old and very successful in his career) to ask a favor, nothing else. A favor for my son to buy him a high compression singlet. and he said he can not send the money and hope one day he will see the son to pay him back.. When my son asked for his address to send the singlet the address he gave is from a Real Estae Agent from whom I bough and sold a house before we moved to Australia 27 years ago. He probably went there saying a lot of lies and managed to get a job with him. That enfuriates me because I know what he would be saying to look good. and now will be using a successful son to show off to them just to make him look good….no remorse no “Sorry Son that I have abandoned you but now can you buy me ……..”
How can a father be so calous, cruel and cold….I have no doubt that he is with some other women and who knows if he does not have even more children…
After been with him for 22 years I found out he was a bigamous..how could I have falling for a man like that?..yes..very charming, handsome, charismatic, kind and everything else…until the true colours came to the surface… but by them I had 2 children…..
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MariaLisa says:
DONNA
Thank you very much for that suggestion. I will make sure to read it!
BRILHANCY
Bigamous, meaning MARRIED to several women? I already feel like what I have seen and experienced is beyond my comprehension, I have to pinch myself and recap every single day that yes this has happened, but some of your stories even surpass that. Its just beyond words. I hope your son has read up on sociopathy and wont ever waste a breath on his father. Your son was somewhat of a clean slate having (thank god) not his father around ( knowing he’s is so cold I mean) from an early age, I would say make sure to stay strong and not fall for his father, cause that will turn his world upside down…Right?!
It makes me sick how they get to succesful people as their rescources. My ex definitely fed off of my good reputation and educational background, career and what not. It made him look better, and he did so with many other women ( living with several at the same time at one point too). other men looked up to him: ” wow he must be special having all these special women treat him so good:. DRIVES ME MAD. I never ever wanted to be that person. I just gave somebody a chance who had never had love.. is what he said….
But back to your problem, dont debate a single thing with this man. Let your son read about sociopathy and dont drive him mad with it either ( cause I would guess he would then want to experience it in person). Keep on surrounding yourself with realistic, normal people, thats very important. At least thats what I value now more than ever….Its hard, especially in corporate life people seem so cold sometimes when you are not a supply for them and needy when you are. Tough always taking care of yourself and at the same time wanting to be caring for others who deserve it.
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blueskies says:
Hi marie Lisa:)
You said “Keep on surrounding yourself with realistic, normal people, thats very important. At least thats what I value now more than ever….”
One of the positives of this horrible experience for me, is that it has been a real reckoner with regards to the people I have in my life, the contrast between the healthy and non healthy relationships has been turned right up, with the good healthy friendships ‘shining’ and the bad ones showing themselves for what they are.
I cant describe how much I value the true friendships I have now.
I have had a real important lesson in how I take care of and nurture those ‘normal realistic people’ …the focus for me in the past has been more on chasing the nutters and trying to get them to ‘see sense’ or ‘care’, the ones that made it difficult, and almost ignoring the ones who were ‘there’ caring for me and not causing trouble or being destructive. Oh I have spent a long time royally screwed up!:)x Now I wake up every day and am so grateful for the few, but amazing people in my life.
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MariaLisa says:
Blueskies
Oh yes! Im only just starting, but thanks for sharing that cause its what I hope Im doing. I can trust and care for the healthy people around me now more, since I try to feel the negative relationships and reduce their impact as much as is possible in my life. I had a small breakthrough this week, deciding not to go to a certain gathering with people I am really supposed to be at, but too many people would be there that suck the life out of me and are too cruel ( not sociopathic cruel but as Im trying to heal I figured I should keep vampires away from me a bit more and longer), its a breakthrough cause a lot of people pull on me to come there and dont like me for not coming. Its truly the first time I dare to do this. As you can hear Im not fully comfortable with it yet but my gut said I shouldnt go, and I am trying t listen to it…
Great to read this Blueskies, im so happy to read from realistic down to earth SANE people who do the best they can to live a decent life.
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blueskies says:
ML I think you did the right thing:) i recently had a wonderful night out with some friends I hadnt seen in ages, and it was great, but I think part of why it was so great (as well as that they are decent kind people)was because I felt ‘in control of myself’. I went on my own, becuase I really wanted to, and stayed because I really wanted to, and when I was tired I left with NO GUILT just a happy feeling. Now, crazy as it sounds, you know I may not have been able to do that before, especially within certain groups (particularly within my family actually), who put pressure on me to go, stay or do what they want at the expense of myself, and I would always find it hard to assert myself or not ‘go with the flow’ for fear of not being liked or letting others down. Its not about controlling the situations I am in, or anyone else, but about making choices for myself, being comfortable with that… a BIG step change for me. a breakthrough as you say, and an indication that we are healing and growing…
in my case ‘growing up’?!! lol!
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MariaLisa says:
Blueskies
yep. im only doing it now for the first time. its why i like you giving that example ( still looking for confirmation haha woops), it makes me feel im doing the right thing. i just had all these voices in my head of family members who always told me what they thought of what i was doing ( going on in my head), its SO hard to shut them and still feel worthy. I mean they think im weak and what not when I dont show up. But damn it this relationship with my sociopath ex was just the end of it. I have taken enough. If I dont put a hold on to it, there will soon be NOTHING left of me. If they think Im weak, than I should certainly not hang around them anymore. Im suprised to notice in my healthy relationships, just as you described with your night out, how harmonious some things can go when you pay attention to it. That there are circles of people who dont make life hard on eachother ( sure nothing is heaven, but not desctructive is what I mean). But I still need to work on more of those better relationships and less toxic ones. I have a hard time with it too I think cause I grew up being taught ( and maybe its my personality too) to think and behave very rationally. People therefore dont always notice how senstitive I actually am. My therapist and I are working on letting that out in a safe assertive way, so that people understand me. Cause I really want intimate relationships with people ( male and female) its why my ex got to me so bad. I was yearning for a deep intimate, connection…..Ironic right….thanks blueskies, btw do you think when people make you feel guilty its always a bad sign, or only sometimes?
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blueskies says:
I am working that out – in so much as, I AM aware of others feelings, and care about my impact on others, and when I am told by someone that something I have done was, for example thoughtless or hurt their feelings, then I own it and talk it through, and there IS ‘guilt’, but in the healthy scenario, it is worked out quickly between parties and is usually about misunderstanding or lack of communication.
I am a good person and do not actively go out of my way to make people uncomfortable or behave in a manner that could hurt anyone, but we are all human and make mistakes that need apologising for (you and I, I think might be an example of that during our first encounters:().
The guilt I feel from TOXIC relationships is usually ladled on THICK and is usually about feeling guilty (for as looooong as possible) for things beyond my control,, or for not putting my needs completely on the back burner, for daring to be upset or ill or for not PLEASING them or being GOOD enough or daring to say I dont like something ect.
Yes, so I think if you are constantly feeling guilty in a relationship, then there IS something that needs to be ‘sorted out’.
an example: If I was in a relationship with someone, and I started to flirt with someone else behind their back, I WOULD FEEL GUILTY, because I KNOW how I would feel if they were doing the same to me. It would stop me (actually I know that it would completely rule it out in the first place because that is how I am wired)in my tracks.
so to sum up and put and end to the waffling (lord am I making ANY sense at all?!) There is good healthy guilt we have as non sociopaths and people with empathy that stops us from behaving like total assholes and crap toxic guilt used by our bad friends/sociopathic partners/narcissitic parents/ crazy churches, to keep us down and in control which we in turn use to beat ourselves up and feel bad and get nowhere.
phew.
x
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blueskies says:
JAH was talking about her husband on another thread, here, I am going to find it, because I think his attitude and healthy outlook basically says it all…hang on….:)
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blueskies says:
here it is:)
JAH said:
What is the key to withstanding such tactics? My husband who was raised in a fairly emotionally healthy environment lets such tactics simply bounce off him. They don’t reach him. Guilt trips, blame, projection….none “work” on him. He doesn’t respond, it takes no energy on his part to ignore such tactics, he simply reacts as he would react if a toddler were screaming, and he puts no thought into it, it is just a natural reaction for him. He just waits for the person to calm down, or he goes away, whatever. It doesn’t stir him up inside, nothing!
[this is the best bit]
He really respects every person’s right to be who they are, I don’t see him trying to ever change anyone. And he is immune to attempts to change him. He HAS made changes in his life, but the motivation came from within him, almost totally.
He is a bit sensitive to what others think of him, BUT only his perception of his behavior. I’m not explaining that too clearly. In other words, he is sensitive about treating people the right way, but his judgement of himself is what matters and guides him, rather than their reaction.
I’ve become very interested in observing mentally healthy people interact with blamers and see when it blaming does NOT work.
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MariaLisa says:
Blueskies
“The guilt I feel from TOXIC relationships is usually ladled on THICK and is usually about feeling guilty”
INDEED. if you just keep that in mind its not that difficult right?
I grew up feeling a lot of guilt. So I know I am empathic. I go out of my way to make sure I never offend anyone and if I see someone being hurt ( also not by me) I feel bad for them so much and will try to fix it ( I actually need to stop this and stay close to myself a bit more).
You hit a nerve when you said if I flirt with someone I would feel bad for the other person. EXACTLY. I thought back when I first explained a friend of my ex that you always have to think how would you like it f someone did to you what you do to them ( it was about him being emotionally intimate with someone else) and my sociopathic ex sat right beside me just smirking. YUCK, damn I get anxious just remembering it again. That piece of shit! Can I say that? Cause he was not just flirting damn it, but well..you know. Anywho, that was in the beginning of the relationship, and I explained my feelings about this so well, and loud and clear, and he was sitting right there! MAN. No empathy indeed. No remorse indeed. I already feel guilty if I break off a bigger piece of chocolate for one person than for the other…
Anywho, yes youre making complete sense, I can follow totally. When it feels toxic, it IS. When you feel youre desperately trying to understand eachother, its HEALTHY, even if its intense at times.
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hummingbird06 says:
MariaLisa and Blueskies, I totally get what the two of you are saying, and I just wanted to add a thought on a similar note. Before my S/P relationship, I was divorced from a 24 yr marriage. My ex- husband wasn’t a sociopath, in fact I wasn’t really familiar with the term back then, but one might say he was a bit narcissistic…quite controlling, male chauvinist etc. I tried for so long to make it work…to have the happy ending…but I KNEW it was over for me when I became a “different” person in his presence. I was becoming defensive, angry, negative, sad…but when it was just me and my family or my sons…I was fun and silly…caring and peaceful. That is when I knew…I was a better person away from him than I was with him.
I think this is so similar to what you’re talking about …being in the presence of others that bring out the worst in us… not the best. That is the time to be strong, say no, and go with our gut feeling of what is best for MOI! Because in the end it will be better for whoever is around us won’t it?
One more thing…a friend of mine once said “it’s better to be alone, than to wish you were”…..hmmmmm
Feeling a bit better today…must be the brownies
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MariaLisa says:
Hi Hummingbird06 and everybody,
Sorry Im only reading your response now. I am glad you can see it that way. The first part of my relationship however I was still me and loving to everyone around him and me, I changed profoundly when he switched from masks from one day to the next. I became so confused, people must have thought I was weird. I couldnt put his stories together and he acted completely different from what he would have said to me a week before. Say week one he would be like: I love you, never trusted anyone like you, im so proud of you , taking me to dinner etc and then the next he treated me like I was his pet, it was COMPLETELY confusing me. I had never been so close to someone like him ( a complete sociopath), so I therefore was trying to rhyme everything for him. that is what upsets me so much now. That that craziness could just happen in front of my eyes and no warning signals went off. I was just plain confused. I remember crying and not knowing why. And he would look at me surprised when I cried and not pay any more attention and continue doing his things and then the next moment he would give me a kiss. Like I could be standing there with a gun to my head and he would he like oh she is holding a gun to her head lets continue emailing with my several girlfriends on my smartphone ( I later found out that was how he spends 90% of his time, not busy with business as he claimed and I had so much understanding for). The feeling of being played, being humiliated when still being good to this man and trying to rhyme thinsg for his sake, KILLS ME. I never thought I would be that girl. I used to always stand up for my right with men. Always.
To come back to your response. Yes were are all better off being around loving people. I feel it so much, when Im with dear friends, I feel all warm and emotional and well everything good, hopeful etc. Yet the feeling of: this man just DID this to me. And continues to do so for the rest of his life and I vouched for him, I made him look good and people have done this for this man all of his life, it haunts me and I wonder whether it will ever leave me. It drives me crazy. The knowing that this is possible took away my innocence. I truly truly thought this man ( at teh beginning) was the most backboned, truthful, spiritual creature ever. ..It makes me so sick. And most people dont get it. Why wont this pain subside. It has gotten a tiny bit better but I still have nightmares of him 6 out of 7 nights. I always wake up screaming my lungs out somewhere in the bedroom. And I was a normal functioning loving caring working person. I just feel violated now. And powerless. And Ive read all the books. I have days where I believe the betrayal was a gift and I think Ill take better care of myself now, but my subconscious hasnt yet picked up I guess.
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skylar says:
MariaLisa, your words could be mine. you are where I’m at right now. The only thing I can think of is that I need to re-experience/re-live everything again, but this time through the eyes of the SCREAMING subconscious that I had ignored. I’m not even sure why I think this. I just feel that my subconscious isn’t done with me yet. It’s like my subconscious is a little child that I neglected, now I have to go back and help it heal. Because the wierd thing is, each one of us will tell you, that we KNEW what was happening in the beginning, yet we ignored it until we could no longer see straight.
I also think this idea is a microcosm of what’s wrong with our society. We all know that narcissism is a cancer in our midst and we just turn a blind eye. It is the root of ALL evil. I can’t think of one crime that doesn’t begin and end with shame and envy. Read, “the people of the lie” and “the sociopath next door” both books present this argument very well.
So why are we wasting time and money on putting out the fires when we should be preventing them? Why?
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MariaLisa says:
Skylar
I agree. Its what I struggle with. I wanna go on but in this world I dont know where to begin. Its like all power is in the hands of ‘those’ people. I mean healthy people dont waste their entire lives for power…You know what I mean? Everybody likes autonomy and respect, but in higher functions in politics and business….Since my S ex I have a completely different outlook on this world. And it keeps me from moving on. I suppose the world is not some exciting thing to explore anymore, but something scary governed by scary people…. trust me I only say this here, nobody wants to hear this…i see good examples of wonderful people and I feel better…Im not always this depressed…
Anyways, how are you letting your screaming subconscious as you say, out now? How are you doing that? I have already ordered face the fire or facing the fire, a book Donna recommended, but it will take some time getting here (not in US). And its not just anger that comes out or should come out, it mostly is well every nasty hurt feeling you can imagine and IM sure you are enduring right now aswell…How many months ago since NC for you? Mine say 2,5 months. But I have been checking things of him through internet…Does that count for NC aswell?
Concluding: yes narcissism and sociopathy is the root of all evil in the world. I truly believe that. The world would come close to looking like heaven without them. Trauma’s would be healed, wars would end, etc etc.
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skylar says:
MariaLisa,
I was with him for 25 years – since I was 17. I left him in May but occasionally would get emails and voice messages, a couple of times we talked. Last time he left a message was around mid August?.
I’m not actually letting the screaming subconscious out. It gets out by itself. That’s why I think this is what needs to happen. When I first read about Jaycee, my emotions hi-jacked me. I couldn’t believe it. Frankly, some of the emotions I feel aren’t even mine, I know they are his.
I may be unusual, but jealousy and envy were very foreign, irrational emotions to me for most of my life. I saw that others experienced it but it made no sense to want bad things to happen to others. Why? because when it does, my empathy goes into overdrive and I’m the one that feels bad. So jealousy is irrational for me, I can’t even win a game without feeling bad for the loser. Pathetic huh?
But LATELY, I’ve actually been experiencing that emotion. I’m jealous of all the people who have never experienced the trauma that we have. Anyway, I think that’s what it is about, but I’m not sure. It’s like I’m being taken over by HIM. I also have lots of hatred and other primal emotions that I NEVER FELT BEFORE.
I could always tell he was trying to implant these emotions in me for the last few years. LOL. All he had to do is stand up and say, “BTW, I’m a sociopath and you’ve been living with an evil entity for 25 years.” He could have saved himself all the time and effort of poisoning me, cutting my brake lines, spending my money and destroying my property. Because that realization, has done more to me than 25 years of torture and gaslighting ever did. I was resilient to that. This new found dissolutionment, did the trick.
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MariaLisa says:
Skylar
I have those emotions too but purely for him. The weirdes shit ever is that I have moments, just a minute or so, that I would feel a strange kind of pity for him, ut I know its my mind trying to ttrick me into making him human cause it would be more bearable for me. I think back to what he did and I realize how ruthless how absolutely cunningly ruthless he is. And back is the defeat.
I dont understand what its like to be with someone like that for 25 yrs. I mean there were times I got in his face for his inconsistenties and not following trhough on promises and that made him more reckless to me and he got less foud out of me and got other women and so forth, so I dont udnerstand how it works that a S could do the game for 25 yrs…Arent they bored easily? Most cant keep steady relationships? Oh who am I kidding, the high functioning ones can, right…As a cover?
but Skylar I dont understand your last paragraph. What do you mean and what was the trick?
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skylar says:
yep, even knowing that he is sub-human, I sometimes get those moments where I think that maybe he could change, like a frog being turned into a prince with my kiss. HA! fat chance.
How long were you with your P?
Yes, I got in his face at first, in the later years, I realized it was not worth it. When my money ran out, his game changed from controlling me to destroying me and there was no reasoning with him whatsoever.
The reason I have hatred emotions for other people is because he used other people to cause me pain. Neighbors, family, friends and cops. Mostly they were P’s already, so there was no loss to me, but it still angers me that they are so easily manipulated and ready to do me harm on nothing other than his lying words. Those are the people I have hatred for.
When I said, “did the trick”, I meant that his efforts to make me as envious and ashamed as he is, always backfired. I simply could not envy others and I never felt ashamed of who I was. That only happened when I discovered what HE is by pure accident. Then I felt ashamed of myself and envious and hateful towards him and other P’s. So, all he had to have done was to tell me. But he never did because he can never tell the truth, he can only lie. That’s why I had to discover it on my own.
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kim frederick says:
Hi Skylar. Yes I, too, suffered from envy and hatrid. I think the thing that got me the most about him was his absolute conmmitment not to work for a living. After working doubles and graveyards at a job I dispised, (waitressing, more making people happy,etc)and coming home to find him drunk and not even knowing how he’d spent his time while I was woking, I would bitch. He would say, “You’re so Jealious.”
Well, yeah. When I was married to my first N, I was a stay-at-home mother, raising three small children. About this he would say,”you were a spoiled military wife.” Once he said, “damn Kim, everybodys got to work for a living.” Unbelievable.
His first wife had a heart condition, a serious one, and his son, then fifteen, went to live with his sister. He told me he was going to file papers on his X for not providing child support. He had never paid a dime. His absolute lack of self awareness was mindboggling. I guess I should have seen that as a major red_flag. But, the anger does dissapate, given time. As Tiny_Tim said, God bless us, everyone.
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skylar says:
Hi Kim,
I should have known what he was from the stories he would tell me about his ex. She wasn’t working for a while and would sunbathe. He had a job welding in the shipyards, so he would take off his clothes and expose his skin to the ultraviolet rays coming off the welding arcs in order to get a quick tan. Then he would make her jealous by showing her his great tan. At the time, I thought it was clever, now I know it’s sick.
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Amdew717 says:
Hello everyone,
I haven’t posted in nearly a month, but I just wanted to give you an update.
If you recall, my ex-soc was showing up at my church and almost everyone recommended me to go to another church for a while. I have done this a few times. however, I am not able to avoid my chuch completely. About once a month i have a commitment to be there for reading of scriptures and/or lay ministry. Since my post, i have had to do this twice, and he was not present either time. The first time, i didn’t care whether he was there or not – felt strong that day, very empowered and was actually hoping he might there; the second time i was more concerned and not feeling as strong, so was relieved when he wasn’t there.
At any rate, I am feeling much better about this situation, however i think i will continue to be vigilant about going there. For example, if i go and see his car in the lot, i might just keep driving and head to my alternate chuch. i guess i’ll play it by ear and see how i’m feeling that day.
Here’s something that happened last night….
A weeknight Bible Study is something I enjoy at my church and last night was the first class of the year. Since these are smaller gatherings with a social aspect to it, i was really hoping that he would not show up. he has not done these before, so i have no idea how aware of or interested he is in what my church offers, aside from sunday worship. anyway, i was on my way over last night and i wanted to get there early to get a comfortable seat since my back has been very painful lately. well, just as i’m making a turn onto the street where my church is located, I AM CERTAIN that his car was approaching from the opposite direction, before i made my turn. It was just getting dark, but the car color, make and license plate style all indicated that it was him, since i rarely see any other cars like his on the road. believe me, i would know based on the amount of anxiety i felt when i see things that remind me of him…LOL. But last night since headlights were shining in my eyes, and this all happened in a split second, it was hard to make out much more than that. But this car DID NOT make the turn.
To be honest, I was really freaked out after that. Even if he WERE heading to the class, I doubt that he is sharp enough to have recognized my car under these conditions. What’s more, I doubt that seeing me would have deterred him from attending the class if that’s where he was heading. No, he was definitely going somewhere else, but where? Maybe over to my house, since this is the route he usually took, but that would surprise me because other than showing up at my church, he has NOT stalked me in any way. I just thought it was so freaky that I would see him at a time when he was foremost on my mind.
So that’s about it. I just wanted to bring you all up to date and tell you about my close encounter.
Thanks for reading,
James
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OxDrover says:
Dear james,
Good for you! Glad you are doing better at least.
The feeling you had by thinking you saw his car we call a “trigger” and it is NORMAL to feel that way, maybe for quite some time, but hang in there, he will find new “feeding grounds” is my guess. Just TAKE CARE OF YOU!
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jillsmith says:
I am worse than ever. Sometimes I think that being in a relationship with a Sociopath can be like cancer. Other bad things in life I have gotten over and been able to work through. Two and a half years later and I’m still destroyed. In fact, I’m worse with time. So, really, tomorrow I think I could also say that I am worse than ever and it will be true. I know that doesn’t leave a lot of hope and optimism for tomorrow, but it’s really how I feel. I was optimistic about my recovery for so long. I have worked so hard at getting better. I have paid so much money in therapy. After all of that, I can honestly say that I’m worse. I can’t stand this pain. It physically hurts. I should be getting better!
Anyway, I was wanting to reach out for support and post on here, but the way the forum is set up, didn’t really know where to post about the pain I’m feelings. Then, this thread was one of the first ones that popped up at the top of the page when I came onto the site here.
So, I understand the pain. I understand not taking care of myself. I feel that all of the pleasure and happiness have been drained from me. I have been living with this for so long and I wonder if I will ever be happy again. He’s out of my life. I have no contact. I’m in group therapy and individual therapy. I’ve read many books about this. I exercise when I’m stressed. I try to do little things for myself (when I am trying very hard to feel better) that used to make me happy and it doesn’t work anymore. Nothing works.
I’m out of ideas on how to feel like a normal person again or to like myself at all. I can barely look in the mirror long enough to brush my hair, wash my face and brush my teeth. I hate myself now and before the Sociopath, I had really good self-esteem. Will I feel ruined forever? I really feel as though my whole life is completely ruined. It’s really bad today.
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skylar says:
jill,
Just post anywhere you want. we all do it.
I’m so sorry to hear how you feel. Same here. some days are better and some worse, but I can’t say that I have stopped hurting. everyday is about him. everyday is about the sociopaths that have hurt me. I can’t seem to get past that loss because it seems to be a reminder that something is wrong with me. And I know that there is. There is no doubt about it, it was caused by the original sociopaths, my parents. But I watch them because I live with them now. I also know their history and the histories of most of the P’s in my family. They were devalued by their own parents. But their response was to work, work, work and make money – they were raised during the depression. The more their feelings are hurt the more they move their bodies into work and they are in their 70′s!
I sit here, reading, reading, reading. I let them do all the work.
Their solution has helped them have all the things they wanted, but they continued the cycle and now their children are sick and pathetic and mostly broke. I was in the clutches of a P who wanted to kill me and my sister still is. My brother is an alcoholic leach and my other sister has a horrible N husband. My parents are so ashamed, but they just keep working harder and harder. Only when I push the emotional boundaries have they cracked for a moment and given in to their emotions. I’ve told them much of what I know about N’s. They get it – partially, but accepting responsibiltiy for their bad parenting is very difficult. They also can’t see any blame on their own parents. They consider them saintly. MY GRANDPARENTS WERE HORRIBLE P’S.
My mother blames my father’s parents, and vice versa. They were all the same: child beating P’s.
I guess what I’m trying to say, is that we are all the walking wounded. P’s included. We each handle it the best we can. But P’s just victimize others and continue the cycle. My parents didn’t stop to feel their pain and analyze it, so they created more P’s and P-supplies. So at least you aren’t a P.
My friend told me I just had to resign myself to the fact that the world sucks then I would be better.
You and I expected more and we are profoundly disappointed. We seem to have broken our bootstraps, so we don’t have anything to pull ourselves up by. I think I know what to do – focus on something, anything – but can’t seem to do it for very long.
Chocolate helps my mental state a little bit, but -as if my life didn’t suck enough – I’M ALLERGIC TO CHOCOLATE!
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OxDrover says:
Dear Jill,
((((Jill))))) I am so glad that you came here, and you can post ANYWHERE about anything you are feeling, on any thread. Sometimes just “saying” it with the typed words helps in itself.
You are doing the things you need to do, and I know it sounds trite, but it will TAKE TIME as you have been so deeply wounded, scared, afraid, terrorized for your baby’s life, and so on….if you weren’t a “basket” case, you would not be NORMAL. We ALL either are or were basket cases at one point or two in time with this thing, sometimes for years until we started sorting it out. You can’t get over a complete devestation and terrorizing n a few months or a few weeks, it takes what you are doing ONE DAY AT A TIME. I too thought I never would be happy agaibn, never would feel joy again, but i do.
Focus on ONE thing that brings you joy, one even TINY thing that you appreciate and see the beauty in. Focus o nthat one thing and “breathe” in the JOY for just a moment.
A couple of years ago there were some wild flowers blooming out behind my house (I live in the woods) just little TINY blue wild flowers with these little yellow dots and in the mornings I would get up and look out and see them. Just them being there was a joy. It was about the only joy I could experience then, but it helped so much.
I also sat down and made a list of my blessings because in all my pain I forgot the WONDERFUL blessings I DO have….simple things.
BLESSING: I have good teeth and dont’ have a toothache.
BLESSING: I have a roof over my head at night.
BLESSING: I have enough food to eat.
BLESSING: I have two wonderful sons.
BLESSING:______________________ (fill in the blanks)
I know that sounds trite, but it does help to look at the positive side of things. Pain makes us focus on what we don’t have, and we have MUCH MORE THAN WE LACK.
Keep coming here and blogging Jill, rant if you want to, scream if you need to, cuss if you need to—let it all hang out! We are HERE FOR YOU, and we’ve most of us been where you are, where we are so far down in the hole we can’t even see if there is an opening at the top of it. (((Hugs)))) and my prayers for you and your baby! Love, Oxy
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justabouthealed says:
Great advice Oxy. Jill, if what you have been doing hasn’t been working, maybe take an entirely different approach. Read the blog on No Contact begins in my head. “Working through it” hasn’t worked for you. So concentrate on small blessings and go NC in your head. Maybe allow yourself one hour a day on love fraud, or one hour a week in therapy.
But try a radically different approach which is DENIAL (LOL)and MINIMIZATION…all the BAD things we did to stay hooked on the P. Use those tools to get rid of him. Say to yourself that you refuse to give one more minute (with those exceptions) to thinking about him, about P’s, about the past. Pretend you have amnesia. Start over. Look for the small blessing Oxy is talking about. Make yourself fall asleep each night by counting all the things you can think to be thankful for. You aren’t in a war zone. You aren’t hungry. You aren’t hooked on drugs. You know how to read. You have internet access. etc etc. Try to “right size” what happened. It is over. It is done. 15 years from now it will be hard to remember the details (if you go NC in your head). If it won’t matter in 15 years, you can make it not matter now.
Look at Elizabeth Smart. She had, as I understand it, one or two therapy sessions, that’s it! Her mom told her, that man stole all this time from you, don’t let him have a minute more.
Once, after I had been badly physically attacked and couldn’t seem to get over it, my minister told me “Pretend everything is all right and pretty soon it will be.” Well, I thought that was dumb advice but I took it. 6 months later I was getting married to a wonderful man and bursting with joy. I started out just sitting in a rocking chair, rocking and crying all day. But I followed his advice and it worked.
So if working on problems doesn’t work, try blocking the whole thing!! Some antidepressants might help. But I got better as a teen without them. This time I needed them. But I’m off them now and life feels very good.
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justabouthealed says:
One friend who does undercover work had just one problem on top of another. She used an analogy that I’m sure others have used. She just pictured herself at the bottom of a deep hole in the earth. And each lot of crap thrown on her, she just shook it off, and stood on it to get her higher out of the hole. Until after so much crap had been thrown at her, she was finally free, out of the hole.
That is making lemonade out of lemons.
That is what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
That is count your blessings and don’t let anyone get you down or keep you down.
It can help as analogy in your mind of how to get stronger and stronger no matter what happens.
I don’t agree it is always true, but it is OFTEN true that we attract what we focus on, or that what we focus on expands. So start focusing on what is good, and maybe soon that will be mostly what you see.
I felt my self- concept go in the toilet too. I was having panic attacks, I couldn’t eat, I lost so much weight my doctor said it was getting serious. I was told I needed to take time off work.
But now I have a renewed marriage with lots of happiness and a new job that I love. Things can and will get better again and you will be stronger than ever before.
I still have a little PTSD, but that is all.
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geminigirl says:
There was this poor donkey, it was sick, and its owner decided it wasnt worth the price of a bullet. So, he threw it in to an old, empty well. Then he started to shovel earth over it.
The clever donkey, each time the earth fell in,, tamped it down with his hooves, and made a step with each load of earth. Slowly, he was able to climb out of the well. using the earth steps he had made.He waited till nightfall, then climbed out, and made his escape.
Some children found him, took him home, and the childrens parents nursed him back to health, and kept him as a companion for their kids.
This is what were all doing, turning obstacles into stepping stones, and soon well be free! God bless us all! Gem XXGod is just waiting to give us all a second chance at happiness, but WE have to take the first step!
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