The Narcissist’s Commandments
PDF You must not disappoint me.
You must not inconvenience me.
You must recognize all of my expectations as reasonable.
You must, at all times, accommodate me.
You must recognize my “special needs” (special in an important, not disabled, sense); and must always satisfy them.
You must be glad for my good moods, and understand and tolerate my bad, nasty ones.
You must see my anger, rage and contempt as always arising for justifiable reasons.
You must make tireless efforts to placate me when you’ve upset me.
You must appreciate that my comfort supercedes yours and everyone else’s.
You must find what interests me, interesting; and you must convey your interest.
You willingly assume responsibility for my happiness, and blame for my discontent.
You must never oppose or defy me.
You must always know what I want without my having to ask; and you must always communicate what you want without my having to ask.
You must recognize that double-standards are unacceptable, except when they’re mine (in which case they’re not double-standards, just differently applied standards).
You must stop shoving the word “reciprocity” in my face. Reciprocity means that both of us do what I want and need.
You appreciate at all times my importance and significance, or I’ll find someone who will.
You recognize that, even though we’re both “tired” at the end of the day, my fatigue is ten times more valid than yours, and so you cut me ten times more slack than I cut you.
You worry about your accountability to me, and I’ll worry about my accountability to God.
You find that everything I say makes sense (and therefore brooks no opposition).
You appreciate that your value to me is proportionate to how good you make me look, and feel.
You somehow sustain yourself as an alluring sexual object to me, or I license myself to satisfy that demand elsewhere.
You may have noticed that what underlies all of these commandments is an inflated sense of entitlement (the attitude at the heart of narcissism). I look forward to your feedback and to your adding creatively, and from your own insights, to my assuredly uncomprehensive list.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
written by Steve Becker, LCSW • Permalink •
OxDrover says:
Blueskies, I agree with you entirely about Biddy’s posts, admitting our own “faults” or poor choices is difficult for us, but I see NOTHING IN HER POSTS that show a PERVASIVE PATTERN OF LYING AND CHEATING ON HER PART. Note that I said PERVASIVE PATTERN. We ALL do things we know we shouldn’t do at one time in our lives or another. The only way, however, we can forgive ourselves or expect others to forgive us, is to admit what we have done, be accountable for the results and consequences of these things, then decide to make better decisions in the future. I see that Biddy has done that in this instance. I applaud her for her honesty.
The personality disordered person, however, does not take accountability or acknowledge fault, but blames consequences for their behavior, or even the behavior itself, on others. If they do appologize for it, it is words ONLY and no permanent change in their behavior. Look at the ACTIONS, not listen to the words. Him “helping around the house” more, but failing to get a job, still means that he is just (to me) for the time being trying to convince her he is “changing” but as long as he is NOT WORKING AND HELPING AROUND THE HOUSE AS WELL, his words ring empty to me. In my estimation, if he can’t get a job because the economy is in the tank, then he ought to be doing 110% of the house and yard work and have dinner on the table when she comes home from her job, AND spending at least several hours looking for ANY job, even in fast food or wahtever.
Of course, it IS easier for us to “see” What he is doing (or at least think we see) than it iwas/is for us to see our own situation which might actually be more “crazy” than hers. I know in the past, I have been the QUEEN OF DENIAL!!!! Crown me with an IRON SKILLET!!! BOINK!!!
PArt of the healing process for any of us though is to accept REALITY and see it for the UGLY THING IT IS when we are involved with a psychopath, rather than to paint it up in pretty colors and pretend it is benign.
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blueskies says:
“PArt of the healing process for any of us though is to accept REALITY and see it for the UGLY THING IT IS when we are involved with a psychopath, rather than to paint it up in pretty colors and pretend it is benign.”
Amen Oxylicious;)
Its a toughy but it is essential.x
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FreeatPeaceFinally says:
blueskies you said it all in one sentence:
You must believe EVERY word that I say, I simply CANNOT be in a relationship with someone who does not trust me, I will of course be lying to you about every single thing.
So I was not losing my mind back then.
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OxDrover says:
Dear FreeatPeacefinally,
Welcome to Love Fraud, glad you are out of that problem, you are NOT losing your mind…that’s a comforting thought once we get to where we are FREE finally!
This is a great place to validate your sanity. glad yo uare here. Again, welcome.
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Tilly says:
Rosa:
“f I ever went to a bar/club, and knew that it was YOUR husband in the band, I would go right up to him and punch him in the face.”
Rosa! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH!! YOU are my kinda gal ( don’t worry I’m straight). I laughed with joy when I read this! You have made my day!. xoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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Rosa says:
Tilly:
Do you know the 1991 movie “Thelma & Louise” starring Susan Sarandon and Geena Davis?
You should watch it if you can get your hands on it.
WE ARE THELMA & LOUISE!!!!
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OxDrover says:
I think I can see that I am going to have to get another donkey, maybe I can name this one SMART Ass, so Rosa and Tilly and I can all three RIDE—unless Tilly wants to bring her Roo to ride, I have an extra skillet Rosa, Tilly has her boomarang!
I wish it was as simple as punching them out! Or fleshing them out for the hogs! Or sending them to jail or sending them to Devil’s island! Or branding them with a large P on the forehead. I think the Ps have been with us since Satan slithered into the Garden of Eden just for the purpose of causing trouble! The best we can do, unfortunately, I think is to learn, protect ourselves and pass the word on to others who will listen. (((hugs)))) I love you guys! thanks for being here on LF!
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Tilly says:
Oxy:
I love the “branding with large P on their forehead”idea….especially since all of my life, I had written on my forehead, “psychopaths apply here”!
Rosa:
T and L, yep! Thats’ us Rosa! except when you and I drive over the cliff we end up on the right side of God. And we are telling Him that we are ever so humble, and even though we know all things are beyond our comprehension, well, the whole “psychopath” idea ? …it might not be such a good one.
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Rosa says:
Tilly:
The driving-over-the-cliff ending would NEVER happen to us.
We would make it all the way to Mexico.
P.S. You are FEISTY & FUNNY tonight. I love it!!
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biddy says:
The information you all have provided describes his action in ways that I guess I can’t or won’t see. It does seem that he has an excuse for everything and a lot of his excuses make sense to me. His ex-wife has came down on my pretty hard about my placing most of the blame on the women that he cheated on me with. She said that’s why she can talk so openly with me. That she never blamed the women once she found out about them which was AFTER he left her for me. She’s 18 years older than me and 8 years older than the ex that is now my husband. She says that she knows how my husband is…a predator…and that these other women were targeted by him and just more victims. She has often said that he could charm the first lady out of her pants. So, she says she has never blamed the women and keeps telling me that she wants to help spare me the pain and confusion that she endured. She says that I am too young and too pretty to waste my life on him. My husband himself says that she is a good person but that she has never gotten over him and is trying to cause problems because she wants him back. I don’t think so. She’s remarried to a man that she seems very much in love with. He is giving her a wonderful life and they look very happy together in their myspace pics. She claims that she’s always been a person who has tried to help people and that it a lot of the reason that she got sucked in by my husband and ended up marrying him.
Oh, and he IS doing pretty much all the house and yard work and does cook dinner most days. He DOES make a little money playing in the band that covers his child support but that’s about it. I pay for the rest of the living expenses. He says he wants a brand new start. He was laid off from the job that he worked in the town where he was involved with the woman that he cheated on me with and says that he doesn’t want to go back there. He says he wants to start fresh in the town where I work. He has looked for work some but we live in a very rural area of the south and there’s not much work out there with the economy the way it is. On the other hand, his ex told me that he had 8 jobs during the 8 years that she was with him and that he’ll NEVER work a job where a boss is keeping a close eye on him because he uses his work time to cheat and has to have freedom to do it. Most of his past jobs have offered a lot of freedom…this is true.
It’s just so hard for me to believe that he has no conscience! He seems to be honestly sorry and ashamed of his past behavior and really wants to change. He keeps saying that he knows that if he doesn’t change…he’ll end up all alone someday and that’s the last place he wants to find himself. He’s 41 now and says it’s time for him to grow up. He says it really bothers him that everyone knows the things he has done. His ex says it only bothers him because now he’ll have to be extra careful and may not be able to target victims so easily.
I really don’t know what to believe. I have had very little experience in relationships. I married very young and was with that man for 13 years until my current husband came along and swept me off my feet. My first husband wasn’t that great, either. He had no respect for women and I’m pretty sure that he cheated on me, too. I had heard rumors many times that he had said things to women he worked with that he shouldn’t have said…getting way out of line.
My current husband’s ex says I now have another man just as bad, if not worse and that the only way I will ever see it is to get away from him and his influence so I’m not allowing him to fill my head full of lies. He says she’s just trying to split us up. She says she’s just trying to help. Sometimes, I think maybe if I didn’t communicate with her, then maybe I wouldn’t doubt him so much.
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Escapee says:
Oh Biddy Biddy Biddy
Cut your losses girl and get out now! I have read your posts and the last one quoting ‘maybe I wouldn’t doubt him so much’. I don’t think there’s any ‘doubt’ about this man whatsoever. He will turn on the tears, he’ll be helpful around the house and all the other things that you find appealing/endearing/that melt your heart. Why? Because you are the cash cow. While he has you in place, he doesn’t have to take responsibility for all the things he’s too lazy to do for himself. He has the stability of the secure relationship to fulfill his neediness while all the time, picking up anything else/other women (and god knows what else by the sound of it) outside of the relationship.
You’re being blindsided, hoodwinked, conned, manipulated and used – sorry to be so harsh but how can you be in any ‘doubt’ when this sub-human has already infected you with a life-threatening disease.
The ‘nice’ side is the illusion. The reality is a heartless, abusive, selfish, manipulative sociopath who feels only for himself.
Be brave and keep posting here for strength.
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witsend says:
Biddy,
If this man has cheated on his ex wife and already has cheated on you then why do you believe that he is going to change?
He didn’t hold a job for any length of time when he was with her. He is not working now when he is with you.
He cheated on her. Now he has cheated on you.
He gave you an STD and blamed YOU that he cheated.
What is it that you see in his ACTIONS that is proving to you that this is a good man?
What has he done to treat you any better than he has her?
Promises and what he says don’t count. What has he actually done differently?
What she say (his ex) isn’t what is making you doubt him. What he says (the lies) and what he does (the opposite of what he says) is what is making you doubt him.
Look at his actions and don’t take what he says so seriously. He is lying to you. That is what she is trying to tell you. That if you step away from him and clear your head of his lies, things will look so much differently. You will see this for what it is.
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blueskies says:
Hi Biddy:) I am so glad you are back here posting again today:)xx Even though you say you are confused, I read your posts and it’s all there my lovely! You got all it all there and you are piecing the jumbled up puzzle pieces together. You seem to be a very intelligent honest hearted woman and I know you will work all this out:)
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Escapee says:
Witsend
Right on! well said.
BIDDY – by the number of comments coming back to you – can you see there are an awful lot of people here who are ‘very alarmed’ and concerned for you? I hope so. We’ve all been, if not WHERE you are, somewhere like it. None of us is an expert but we have mostly all reached the same conclusions for ourselves – that the only way out is to GET OUT – the quicker you do this FOR YOURSELF, the more damage you’ll be able limit. You say you’re 30 – well, are you going to waste the next precious 10 years of your life on someone who lies and cheats on you, has no sense of respect or responsibility for your well-being and who leeches off you financially? Well, if you want to end up with £100,000 worth of debt and have your health wrecked – do what I did and stay with him – if, however, you want a normal life with a chance of a proper balanced and loving relationship – leave this half-human monster behind and GET OUT.
Sorry to be harsh but this is potentially what’s waiting for you if you carry on, and maybe worse.
All love to you and keep posting here for strength.
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blueskies says:
As far as him saying his wife is only say these things because she wants him back… biddy do you really believe that? Going on what she has SAID and how she BEHAVES, dont you think it would be an odd thing to want? It doesnt ADD up and you KNOW it. You must look at the evidence of the behaviour in front of you and not talk yourself out of what you know in your gut to be true.
I was very angry at a friend of mine(the S/P’s best mate for over 18 years) for not telling me what this man was like! I couldnt believe he hadn’t!! But it turns out that along with being duped almost more than anyone else, he had decided not to tell me what a snake he had been in the past because he believed the S/P loved me and had CHANGED.I hope that is food for thought. These creatures DO NOT change.
We are programmed to give them the benefit of the doubt even when presented with overwhelming evidence, there is completely fascinating thread on here about that (someone help me out with which one cuz I forget), and that is HOW they can continue to operate.x
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blueskies says:
It was a subject brought up by Eternal Student on the 15th, on Oxy’s article about spotting the covert P/S in the wild. She put a link in to a blog that is REALLY helpful to read.
here is her/his post:)
“They may pass off the behavior as “Oh, that’s just John””
This illustrates a VERY important concept: People typically discount the standard behavior of a person, no matter how bad it is. Sociopaths COUNT on that; they know that if they’re jerks all the time, they paradoxically get away with it in a way they couldn’t do if they were only jerks sometimes, because people remember, and form their opinions based on, our ATYPICAL behaviors. They act as if everyone’s standard behavior is the same level of “goodness vs badness,” which works beautifully most of the time but is tragically wrong in the case of those who are markedly bad…. and, sadly, those of us who are markedly GOOD, which explains people’s bizarre lack of judging in your favor even when the sociopath has been awful and you’ve been a SAINT.
I don’t know how well I’ve explained this; I found it here
http://omniverse.blogspot.com/…..2524588861
so read that if you want to get the entire description.”
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biddy says:
I’m really sorry to be a pain but I’ve edited an exchange between the ex and myself–to protect our identities. I shouldn’t have written her and dumped the way I was feeling on her. I later wrote her back and told her that I wasn’t feeling well that day and was extremely irritable due to PMS. I would like to get your opinions on whether you feel this woman is just trying to cause problems or if she is really coming from a sincere place. She knows one of the women that he cheated on me with but only because the woman sought her out. They later talked and I have talked to the woman, as well. I know that what she says about the other woman is ture…even my husband has admitted it. Here’s the conversation. I hope it isn’t too long but I just really can’t figure out who I should trust…her or my husband!
—————– Original Message —————–
From: Biddy
To: Ex-wife
Date: Jun 25, 2009 10:34 AM
Subject: RE: Oh yeah…
Can I ask you a question? Do you think I made a mistake by marrying him? Do you think he will change or has changed? I think I have proved to him that I love him by leaps and bounds and that I would stand behind him no matter what. Do you think that means anything to him at all or do you think he thinks I’m a push over that that he can just string along? He says he loves me beyond belief and has never stayed with a woman with all the crap that we have been through together but he feels he loves me enough to make it work. He said he saw the other woman because he was ready to kill himself because he couldn’t handle our roller coaster realtionship and she helped him get through and that she was the only positive in his life at the time and he really needed someone to talk to and it just led to sex. He said it was a mistake and a regret but he was glad that it happened because it taught him a lesson. Do you beleive that honestly?
From: The Ex Wife
To: Biddy
Date: Jun 25, 2009 12:13 PM
Subject: RE: Oh yeah…
Well….I may very well be the wrong person to answer that question. I will tell you this. He kept following the woman he cheated on with you around and trying to talk to her. She didn’t pay him much mind because she was already talking to that other guy and she and her hsuband were already heading for divorce court. She said that she finally asked your husband (live-in boyfriend at the time) what he wanted and he told her “sex”. The woman said she knew that it sounded horrible that she said to herself “okay, why not?” but she said that she just really didn’t have a lot of respect for herself at the time. He didn’t approach her telling her that he needed a friend, etc. He told her straight out what he wanted and then after a few times of having sex…he started telling her that he loved her and she believed that she loved him, too. And, you know something else…God…I hate to admit this but he just has a way about him. He pursued me off and on for a year and a half–I was just too stupid to realize that’s what he was doing. I, like her, was in a marriage that was long over with for years! One day, your husband finally made his move…chased me around the island in my kitchen wanting “just a kiss”. I kept refusing and asked him what was wrong with him…he said “I’m sex crazy”. Girlfriend! That should have been my FIRST red flag. He kept on and on wanting “just a kiss” and I finally said I’d give him “just a peck”…actually to get rid of him! For some reason, the way he approached me didn’t scare me…it flattered me…but I think it was because I was at an all-time low in my life. He knows how to zoom in on women in that state of mind somehow. The woman he cheated on you with was at an all-time low in her life, too.
All I have to base what he might or might not do is his past and my own experience with him. However, I have picked up on some things that you’ve said that would have set red flags off if I were you. But it wouldn’t have set anything off when I was with him because I was so caught up in what I thought I had with him. And, I will tell you this…he hasn’t made you any promises that you’ve shared with me that he didn’t make to me, too. And, I say this as God as my witness!
If you want me to give you examples of what I consider to be red flags that you should have picked up on…I will.
From: Biddy
To: Ex-wife
Date: Jun 25, 2009 10:34 AM
Subject: RE: Oh yeah…
What are the red flags you are picking up on?
From: Ex-wfe
To: Biddy
Date: June 25, 2009 1:13 AM
Subject: RE: Oh yeah…
Well…let’s see…I’ve picked up on a lot in the language that you use:
–You always say that you “hope” he “will” change. Yet you went ahead and married him. I wish you could have waited until you were absolutely CERTAIN that he had changed.
–You allowed him to convince you that his cheating was YOUR fault and because you wouldn’t commit to him or marry him. That was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard of. I don’t care what you were doing and if you were threatening to leave every hour…he should have been on his hands and knees begging you instead of sleeping with other women and telling one, that we know of for sure, how much he loved her and for her to just hang in there and wait on him. If he had of needed that SO badly from YOU–his only true love–he would have focused ALL his energy on YOU and getting a commitment from you…not other women. This leads to the next flag.
–He’s expressed his terrible fear of being alone. Everyone does to a certain extent but his is WAY extreme. Its puts the woman he’s with in a terrible position. It’s like you know that if he feels the least little bit threatened (by things that the normal person doesn’t feel threatened by) that he may cheat or leave you. Even though, YOU as a NORMAL person, knows that you are doing everything in your power to make him feel secure.
–He’s done nothing to try to grow up…like seek steady work so that he can give you a better less stressful life. This shows his lack of concern or respect for you. He still seems to think that love and sex are all a couple needs to survive…NOT! And, look out, if you start to feel too stressed about finances and put a little pressure on him, he’ll accuse you of being “materialistic” even if you’re worried about money to pay the electric bill!
–He includes his mother in the relationship too much. He declares a great love for his mother so he uses her to make promises of faithfulness and treating you right to. Or, he’ll swear on her life. He did that with me. Made me sick. I wanted him to hold himself accountable to ME and only me…what did SHE have to do with it? He’s over 40 years old! Bottom line, she doesn’t give a shit what he does. Whatever he does will be alright with her in the end. All he has to do is tell her that he’s unhappy and that this or that (possibly a woman) makes him happy and that’s fine by her. He took me right over there to meet her…insisted that I go…even though he was still living with his wife! And, when his wife struck out at him over me…with good reason…it was SHE that was the problem in his mother’s eyes. His mother never had another word to say to her although she had treated her just as much like family as she once did me and now you. I’ve told you that you can’t trust ANY of them! And, it came very clear to me during my marriage to him that his mother is the reasons behind ALL his problems! It’s not his dad! He knows that his dad disapproves of his lifestyle and that’s why he doesn’t like being around him. And, I’m still not so sure that his dad even molested him! It just never added up.
–From what you say…he’s still just as “needy” as ever and feels that he deserves to have his needs fulfilled. But like you said…what about yours?
It’s hard for me to do this without adding my own 2 cents. I just about have to base the behavior of him that you describe on the behavior that I, too, witnessed out of him. BUT, I can tell that by what you say very little about him has changed so I would have to doubt other changes that he has promised to make. Understand what I’m saying? I mean, stop and really think about it! And, where does he get off telling you that he never stayed with any other woman through what you all have been through? He gave you two STDS! He didn’t stay with any of the others because they threw him out when they caught him cheating or he up and left them for somebody else! If I think of more, I’ll let you know. He has a way of twisting the mind of the woman that loves him. It’s almost like he brainwashes us or has us under some kind of spell or something. I can’t really explain it but whatever it is, it makes us believe everything he tells us. He’s SO convincing and loving even when he’s out doing just horrible things behind our backs.
Please don’t go home and fight with him about things that I say. You have to use your own judgment. But you know what I really think will happen someday? I think you’re going to grow tired of tending to his neediness and fearing that he’s going to get someone else all the time and it will be YOU that bails. I can’t say when or how it will happen but that’s what I think will come to pass someday. I think you’re going to wake up and find that you’re no longer happy with the situation. That’s just what I think. A man like him wears on a person and sooner or later…it starts to get old.
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blueskies says:
I’ve just had a quick read through and this woman seems genuine and objective caring and intelligent. I dont get a sniff of malice or triumph over you. She SO has his number. You MUST see that.
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blueskies says:
I think that most of the posters who have responded here have said exactly the same thing – and believe me biddy we are NOT trying to get back with you husband. Like Rosa says, what you are experiencing is cognative dissonance. Read about it and start work:)x
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blueskies says:
P.S you are not being a ‘pain’, you are being extremely open and honest and its completely fine.x
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blueskies says:
‘–You allowed him to convince you that his cheating was YOUR fault and because you wouldn’t commit to him or marry him. That was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever heard of. I don’t care what you were doing and if you were threatening to leave every hour…he should have been on his hands and knees begging you instead of sleeping with other women and telling one, that we know of for sure, how much he loved her and for her to just hang in there and wait on him. If he had of needed that SO badly from YOU–his only true love–he would have focused ALL his energy on YOU and getting a commitment from you…not other women.’ YOU KNOW SHE IS RIGHT HERE DONT YOU?! YOU CANNOT LOVE SOME AND DO WHAT HE DID! YOU SIMPLY CANNOT!
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blueskies says:
Also biddy you CAN write to her, she, like us here is indicating to you strongly that you CAN. You are not dumping your stuff on anyone, you are asking for help in understanding WTF is going on in your life. It is okay to do that!! (I just recently learnt that:)
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blueskies says:
‘he said it was a mistake and a regret but he was glad that it happened because it taught him a lesson. Do you beleive that honestly?’
Question is DO YOU biddy. Christ girl you wouldn’t be asking if you did… trust yourself and your instincts.
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Rosa says:
Biddy:
In one of my other posts, I told you that what your husband is telling you is NOT what he is SHOWING you. And actions speak louder than words, right?
The same applies to you, Biddy.
You keep saying in your posts how much you love your husband, and how much he helps around the house, etc.
But, for some reason, you are here at LoveFraud seeking advice.
You are skeptical about his ex-wife’s motives, but you keep contacting her.
Your words do NOT match your actions, either.
This contradiction is telling me something.
YOU KNOW, BIDDY!!! DEEP DOWN, IN YOUR GUT, YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT YOU ARE MARRIED TO A SON-OF-A-BITCH!!
The thing is, if you ACCEPT what you ALREADY KNOW (and deep down, you know you are with a disordered individual), and get out of DENIAL, you will have to take ACTION of some sort. And right now, you are afraid/reluctant to take action, for whatever reason. (I just paraphrased some advice that OxDrover gave me a while back, but I think it also applies to you, Biddy).
I read the correspondence between you and the ex-wife. To me, she seems completely honest & sincere. She has no alterior motives, from what I can see.
In fact, she is acting as your “Guardian Angel” through all of this. You should be thanking her for all that she has done for you. Not every ex-wife would be this forthcoming and helpful.
Your husband does not want you talking to her, because he knows she’s got his number.
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witsend says:
Biddy,
This woman is saying things you already know.
She is not lying. He is lying when he says he will change.
He lies to you because you are his meal ticket. That is why he had the woman “waiting in the wings” as well. Someone has to take care of his needs, if not you then her.
No one can convince you to get out of this relationship. It is a decision only you can make.
You will never have a true partnership with this man. If he cheated on you so early in your relationship you will endure YEARS of the same treatment if you stay. You will also be the head breadwinner in the relationship. He might get a job every once in awile but the jobs will come and go. MOSTLY it will be you working and taking “care” of him.
This is his pattern. He is 40 years old and this is what he does.
And it worked for him in the past and it is WORKING for him now.
So understand that your relationship will consist of him having his “needs” met and it will be your JOB to fufill them whatever they may be. That will be your relationship. He has even told you that in his own words.
If you do ONE thing for yourself, if you choose to stay in this relationship, (I pray that you don’t) but if you do…..DO NOT have a child with this man.
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archerjf says:
I read the post about sociopaths changing as they get older. DON”T believe it! The one I am involved with is 63 yo and I am the 3rd woman he has done this to that I know of. I am sure there are more. He is looking for the next one now. I haven’t lived with him in a year and he was in prison part of that time. I am filing for an annulment of the marriage for fraud. He didn’t tell me about his legal problems. He is wanting to come back now because he has no place to go but I am sure that he would only stay long enough to find someone else to leave with and he can do that from where he is. Age doesn’t make them better it just makes them slower.
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sabrina says:
Witsend and all,- Just wanted to say Hi I hope you are doing well. I took a break from computer for awhile to get some much needed work done and R&R as well.
Great advice to Biddy. Of course, I agree wholeheartedly as this situation is very “cookie cutter” to the crazy making we have all endured here on LF.
You really dont see how much peace and contentment you are giving up by being a part of these idiots “self induced” life sentences. The incarceration that you find yourself in can not effectively be realized (at least for me it wasn’t) until NOW- when they are truly GONE. Almost a year n/c later, as the drama FINALLY has subsided- I realize the air around me is lighter, less filled with tension, insecurity, and fear of the unknown.
Deep down, I was always in fear of the moment the shoe would drop, so to speak. I never knew what was going to happen, but the stress of the distrust, gut renching uneasiness my spirit had became accustomed to- like a disease spreading into every fiber of my being was sutley there.
Now, I can’t believe that at the time, I thought all the “unrest” my spirit consistently endured was WORTH it. That is part of the fog. At the time, It never occured to me that I HAD A CHOICE. THe P makes your wishes, your security, your precious life NULL and VOID. It is truly brainwashing of the worst kind. The P makes you get into the place that you think you need him , when that is the LIE. In fact, he needs you- his supply- to accomplish his demonic plans of destruction. Then when you have no more to give, he has seemingly taken your soul- he will leave you without looking back.
You can not put a price on the GOd given peace that we can have by being in the light- not in the darkness. I now realize that I am free to focus on my journey that God wants for me as “old things are passed away”.
Our God is not the author of confusion- He says “my peace I leave with you.” xoxo,
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Escaped says:
Heres another….
You must be LOYAL to me at all times, although I do not earn it by being loyal. Disloyalty on your part is violation of any commandment already stated, any I make up in the future, (even if you don’t know them), or any action that can possibly be perceived by me as disloyalty, (which is anything, depending on my mood, desire to devalue you, or need to find an excuse to misbehave, spend, drink, or commit adultery).
Respect will be given to me even though I do nothing to earn it. You on the other hand must earn respect, (in the outside world that is, because no one earns mine.)
…Just thought I would add my two cents worth based on my experience.
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witsend says:
Sabrina,
Good to hear from you! I hope you are doing well and “getting out” a bit and having some fun.
I have been trying to focus more on my work to and yet I still find myself coming here (often) reading and “taking in” alot.
I haven’t “talked” much here about my son lately. I am still laboring over the issues he presents and really trying to figure out if there is anything that could “help” him. We went through that 6 week program. Parenting With Love & Limit.
I am trying to look closely at his interactions with other people and also trying to take my emotion out of the picture when I look at the “big picture” of him.
My father in law stopped by today and he said something VERY interesting to me. We were talking about my son and he said that he and my MIL have had many discussions about my son and that I shouldn’t blame myself as he is “just like his father”. He has NEVER spoken to me seriously about my son or any of the issues I have told them about. And what I have told them is VERY little.
AND of course they are not talking about a personality disorder or Bi Polar or anything like an S/P/N as this has never been mentioned EVER with these people. And they don’t know the HALF of what my son is really like anyways. They were refering to his “know it all” attitude and his doing things his way….The arguing about everything and always wanting to right, etc. These are some of the things I have shared with them at different times. (not the really scarey stuff, that I am REALLY concerned about) However when he said that I was really curious about what he meant exactly? He RARELY if ever says anything about his son (my sons father) that isn’t almost in a “sacred” way. (because he is deceased)
I found the remark to be unlike him and really made me wonder what he meant deep down.
My MIL is the queen of denial with her own son (and always has been) so I pick very carefully what I choose to tell them. Most of what I have told my mother in law in the past has been used against me!
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biddy says:
What I feel like I want to do is just get on with my life with my husband. The ex keeps insisting that he is a sociopath and will NEVER change. She even defends his “back-up” woman that he cheated on me with and says that she was just a victim like every other woman…including me. I’ve also considered telling the woman’s husband what she did because I don’t think it’s fair that I have to suffer while she goes one with her life as though nothing has happened. I think if I stop talking to the ex about him that everything will die down and we’ll be able to get on with our lives. I really don’t feel that he is an incurable sociopath, I see him as a man with a very good heart that his ex never really knew and am willing to stand by him if for no other reason than he is a friend as well as my husband. He has told me that he never felt like he could be himself with the ex and open up to her. He says he’s totally comfortable with me and has been totally honest with me about the things he has done in his life against me and all the other women including the ex that talks to me. He said this is why he felt he could discuss his issues with me. Other people who were close to him and his ex have told me that she never really knew him. When I wrote and told her this, she got pretty upset and told me that I was right and that she didn’t ever really know him and if she had of she wouldn’t have given him a half second of her time much less 8 years of her life. I think he really just feels insecure and needs a lot of attention because he had some problems during his childhood.
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PInow says:
Biddy, I am not reaching out to my ex’s new lover because I am afraid her reaction will be similar to yours. I can only say that I thought in my arrogance that he’d changed, learned from previous mistakes and will now be different. Right!!! Hire a Pi if you wonder, have him tracked at all times while he’s not with you and check his computer. you might quickly find what the ex is warning you against.
I have now entered a different stage: I am sorry for the woman he’s with now. It is fine to be with a two year old, but to feel that your adult partner has the mentality and emotional needs of a two year old is a huge burden to take on. Sorry for my directness, but such a guy is bound to run at the first sign of a serious problems. So, you will forever wonder if he’s truthful, honest, and loyal. And history may repeat itself. Also, each one of us is special, but the cynic in me wonders if he has truly recognized how special you are. Mine had two women on the side ALWAYS, in case he got kicked out. At all times, the man had willing Motherly women, ready to bestow their love on him in recognition of his child-like needs. I have never known such disrespect, while he was the first one to point out the guilt of cheaters…
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Jen2008 says:
Biddy,
Ah, nothing quite like a good competition.
Your husband is freaking BRILLIANT! He has cleverly tapped into your COMPETITIVE side. You are competing with his ex wife to prove you are better than her, that YOU are more understanding than her, that YOU are the one who knows him better than she ever could have, that YOU are the one he will be HONEST with, that YOU and not her OR all those other women are the ONE and ONLY woman he will remain FAITHFUL to and LOYAL to and LOVE and ALL you have to do is be the one woman who KNOWS him and UNDERSTANDS him and ACCEPTS him WARTS AND ALL and do backflips in the understanding and tolerating all kinds of horrible crap (read infidelities and std’s and unemployment with you supporting his ass and heaven knows what else).
BUT No one can understand and love him like YOU do, he can’t be honest with anyone else like he can with YOU, if you knock yourself out being LOYAL to him and UNDERSTANDING of him and (fill in the blanks) of him, then HE will be FAITHFUL to YOU. You are the SPECIAL one.
SO compete away Biddy and he has carte blanche to do whatever the hell he wants because you are so busy understanding him so you can hang onto him. Sorry for the bluntness but I KNOW THIS GAME WELL because my ex played it with me too and like you I fell for the bullshit hook line and sinker for the longest.
But like me, I imagine it is gonna take you a good long while to see the light and I know you will reach the light in your own time. So, I’ll just keep you in my prayers. Jenn
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justabouthealed says:
Biddy, a good man in love does not talk about HIS needs. He is anxious to please you. He wants to do things for you. His greatest joy is seeing you laugh. For both of you, the other person’s needs are ALMOST as important to you as your own.
You are capable of that kind of love.
But he isn’t. For him, it is all about what you can give to him. It is not about what he can give to you.
He seems more like your child than your husband.
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justabouthealed says:
These bad men get us off on the wrong track, saying “look over here” when the real issue is somewhere else.
He didn’t cheat because of what you did. He cheated because he IS sex crazy. He cheated because he wanted sex and he didn’t care about the impact on anyone but him.
My mom was not perfect by a long shot. But she gave me one good piece of advice. “If you have to ask yourself does he really love me, the answer is no.”
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PInow says:
There is no smoke without a fire. if I had been forewarned about my ex by his relatives, I would have given it a much more serious consideration. While my relatives warned me, I ignored them because they had no history, but had I heard any of his real history, it would have at least put a doubt in my mind. I am not sure who wants to live with doubts in their mind, but I can say this much: not me!!
My ex was great and put me first. That is, when we were together. pathological lying got him all he ever thought he wanted. When I caught him, he shed the “caring” mask and boy did I see the ugliness. That lack of humanity that generations have noticed and we continue to ignore…
None of us are perfect. But, if he really wanted to prove to you that he was a worthy someone, he’d be working, staying away from women and sex (including you) and showing how responsible and trustworthy he’s become. Many of us in our responses to your post, note how much alike these creatures are. I just hope you are not going to waste your life looking through the rose colored glasses. Life is too precious to live in denial and a make belief. And – if he were that great, he would not hurt any of these other women. The relationships I have had with NON-Ps have all turned into friendships, long lasting, mutually respectful adult friendships. I would not ever contact my ex non-Ps’ wives and girlfriends to warn them. It simply did not work out between us, I wish them well and from time to time, I can call and chat and exchange ideas, and most of their partners are ok with this.
So, ask yourself HOW MUCH does one have to hurt to keep trying to open your eyes so that you will be the sward of justice? Sorry, we’ve all been saying things you probably did not want to hear. Some of us are less blunt, some are regrettably more so (me), but we do share the same pain and don’t wish it to another (besides the Ps who may not even have the capacity to feel such pain anyway).
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witsend says:
Biddy,
I find it amazing that you want to tell the other womans husband about the affair because it isn’t fair that you should suffer and she can just go on as if nothing happened. (what about your husband going on as if nothing has happened)
Your suffering was caused by your husband cheating on you, why is she the one you hold accountable instead of him?
And it is amazing that you think if you stop talking to his Ex wife that “all will die down”, as if she is the “root” of your problems in your marriage. She really is just giving you fair warning. You are asking the questions….So their must be doubt on your account to even ask the questions. She is not the bad guy here she is only the messenger.
And what is really amazing is that after he cheats ON both his ex wife and you his new wife, you are willing to believe that (he is ok) but these women are the “problem”.
Even though he is the one who created all this pain, Just because HE said he is comfortable with you and can discuss with you his issues, it is all going to be ok….
WOW…..He really has done a number on you……The reason his Ex wife sees the other women as victims is that she does know him better than you do. She puts the blame on him where it BELONGS. Not on the other woman. And someday you will understand exactly where she is coming from.
I hope for your sake sooner than later…..
Keep coming back here and keep posting. The next thing he will likely do is isolate you from your friends and family. You will need the support here.
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justabouthealed says:
I don’t find it amazing, because I was just as blind when I was in the FOG. But I know what you mean, of course, witsend. You have a great way of cutting through the FOG and pointing out what is off! I didn’t pick up on all that. Sigh. But you are absolutely right.
Biddy, you will face it when you can face it. We’ve all been there, and just know the longer you are in the FOG the more damage that is done, and the more it hurts.
Good for you being here!
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ANewLily says:
Biddy, your last sentence of your post made me cry with grief for you. If you really mean it, you are in for the rollercoaster ride of your life.
You wrote, “I think he really just feels insecure and needs a lot of attention because he had some problems during his childhood.”
Your hubby’s ex is trying to warn you because she DOES know him.
I haven’t even met him but I know him too.
Most important your last statement is the EXACT SAME one that hooked me into 46.5 years of trapped lion’s den hell before I could escape. (He is now 73 and was only 20 when I married him. He NEVER changed — just got worse and worse. My love and caring about him didn’t make a single dent!!
PLEASE change your mind before it is really too late!!
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Kathleen Hawk says:
Biddy, I feel sorry for you. Like everyone else here, I understand where you are and why you feel the way you do. We’ve all been there.
If you have the money, please consider buying the book, “Women Who Love Sociopaths.” You can find it on Amazon. Skip the first section, which is about sociiopaths, and just go on to the second section. That is about the women and their relationships. It’s based on recent research, which included a lot of us.
It will describe the type of woman that gets involved in these relationships — which will actually make you feel good about yourself. We’re a smart, loving, competent group. But more valuable to you, there is a detailed description of the pattern of these relationships. How they progress. What happens.
You’re in the early stage, which is why you feel so committed. You’re just starting to deal with painful realities, but they’re not bad enough to overcome your love and commitment. You’re getting enough of what you need from him and he’s made you feel responsible for him. You feel like you’re really bonded.
I don’t think anything we can say to you right now is going to make a difference. It wouldn’t have made a difference with most of us in that stage.
But here’s what you’re future looks like. It’s going to get more painful. You going to deal with more betrayals. You’re going to be confused because you feel like you love him so much, and you’re not going to leave him when you should leave him. He’s going to became more abusive, blaming you for everything he does, everything that’s wrong with the relationship. If you’re lucky, it will only be verbal. He will impoverish you. He sabotage you and teach you to sabotage yourself. He will teach you to hate yourself.
And when the emotional pain gets massive enough, you’ll leave. Or he’ll leave when he finds a better mark. Or he’ll find a way to get rid of you, stealing whatever you have left in the process.
Right now, all you’ve lost is your savings, and arguably your self-defensive instincts. Believe me, you have a lot more to lose. And if I ended this letter just asking everyone who reads it to chime in whether or not this describes there experience with someone just like your husband (because we all recognize this guy from your description), just with “yes, it happened to me” or “me too,” perhaps the sheer number of us might make a dent in your thinking.
We can’t make you take care of your self. You have do that. And you will do it, sooner or later. We just hope for your sake it’s sooner.
In the meantime, please, if you can’t do anything else, just start asking yourself this question on a daily basis: “Is this good for me?” Just that.
And I’ll start this.
It happened to me. I lost two homes. My business. My health. All the money I had. By the time it ended, I couldn’t speak to anyone without crying and I was so ashamed I couldn’t even look anyone in the eye. It ended five years ago, and it took me three three years to even begin to get emotionally stable again.
Kathy
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blueskies says:
‘Biddy,
Ah, nothing quite like a good competition.
Your husband is freaking BRILLIANT! He has cleverly tapped into your COMPETITIVE side.’
BINGO JEN! I regognise this pattern of behaviour with the slime ball I was in a relationship with.
I couldnt understand it at the time, WHY he would TELL me that other women wanted more from him than just friendship (i’d think if that is case why dont you just ‘move away from her’ if a guy was coming on to me while I was commited to you I would put them straight, enough said!) He would complain about how mean his ex wife was to him, but then I’d get e-mails from her which indicated that he had disgussed with this ‘terrible”hateful’ woman things we had talked about in private. The back up girl he moved on to he made accidentaly available to me, so I could see her, and he discussed me with her, he told ME that she was nothing, just sex and that I was the love of his life, BUT her that she was his lover and that I was just crazy and abusive and having a tough time ‘getting over’ him, but he still wanted to stay in touch beccause he ‘CARED’ about what happend to me! (in actual fact he was trying to come here and stay with me, and the thing he was after was sex and sowing seeds of worry and jealousy within her.) At first I thought why would you do all this? you have a new girl now. why even talk to her about me? why talk to me about her?? Then after I realised what he is, the fog cleared and the penny dropped… he plays off his ‘HAREM’ against each other!! It’s just one of his favourite FUN games!
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PInow says:
Kathy,
I Love the way you are able to carry through the meaning, and your absolute understanding of what one is going through. Yes, It happened to me. if not for my kids, I’d still be in the mess. I was absolutely convinced that I could not function without him and that was part of the Fog and surely part of the emotional abuse. It took some time to realize that I had been doing it all all along, and that he had only manipulated me to think otherwise.
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PInow says:
Yeap, Blueskies, and how about “I only went there to get some reassurance that I was worthy as a human being” after “she’s fat and ugly” did not work?
The love of my life said: “I hate you all bitches”, when I finally pressed on. that about sums it up. We are the feeding machines to their glory. I bet he’s got a lot of laughs putting us one up against another and to Biddy it may seem that hers is different, and that hers wont’ do this.
Biddy, whatever you choose to do, please, do not confront him with your suspicions of what he is. Do not urge him to seek treatment. At 40 it is too late, and even if he agrees, it’ll only teach him the tricks of further abusing me. in my sad story, I brought on the vengeance from hell and am now losing thousands and thousands of dollars he did not suck out of me through the legal channels.
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PInow says:
“further abusing” me is a Freudian slip. It should be “further abusing you”. Tells ya enough.
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blueskies says:
Oh Biddy It makes me sad too to hear you say ‘I think he really just feels insecure and needs a lot of attention because he had some problems during his childhood.’:( Even with everything you know. But I have said it before, this is your road to travel… just know that we will ALWAYS be here with NOTHING but YOUR best interest at heart.x
I also want to comment on this:
‘Other people who were close to him and his ex have told me that she never really knew him.’
I think you are cutting and sticking this information from other people into your pretty picture book to suite yourself(or him actually – look he must be rubbing his hands together with glee as you busily re-arrange the picture of him into something prettier and he doesnt have to DO anything)
I believe these people are saying they never really KNEW him becuasse he presents everyone with a FANTASY and imaginary man, a mirror… then when the smoke screen slips, they realise that they have been in a friendship/realtionship with someone who DID NOT EXIST and therefore they DONT know him. You see how it is once again being spun into some kind of blame on them, because THEY didnt understand him?! It’s not the case at all!
PLEASE read about cognitive dissonance, PLEASE read the stories and articles on here (are there any that have been particularly helpful so far?) the books that have been recommended to you and keep on posting!:)xxxx
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blueskies says:
PInow says: Biddy, whatever you choose to do, please, do not confront him with your suspicions of what he is.
This is absolutely crucial. Looking back, I think things got a hell of a lot worse for me once he started picking up that I was smelling rats(I didnt KNOW for sure untill after the event), when I started , in my confusion, to question his behaviour his behaviour became even MORE crazy making… he seemed to recognise that in order to keep me doubting myself ( and maybe to destroy me because he sensed I was close to ‘seeing” what he REALLY was) he would have to make me feel EVEN worse, EVEN weaker, isolate me further, and feel like I was going crazy…
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blueskies says:
Pinow also says (she’s goood;)xx
‘The relationships I have had with NON-Ps have all turned into friendships, long lasting, mutually respectful adult friendships. I would not ever contact my ex non-Ps’ wives and girlfriends to warn them. It simply did not work out between us, I wish them well and from time to time, I can call and chat and exchange ideas, and most of their partners are ok with this.’
This is my experience too. This is something to think about.
I have had significant relationships with people that unfortunately broke down, but I have friendly to great freindships with them, one of my ex’s is my best friend,and there would NEVER be a reason for me to want to WARN the next girlfriend about any of them and I never had WARNINGS about them either.
Now with the S/ P I was warned by his ex-wife and have subsequently felt compelled to warn his new victim. This is not evidence of me or his wife being wacko, this is evidence of their being a fire beneath the smoke.
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ANewLily says:
Biddy, I’m pretty sure that you had even made up your mind to stay with him when you first posted. Now, you might not even be reading any more.
But, it is the middle of the night (West coast) and I am thinking about you. I’m wondering if the fact that you don’t have money to move the trailer house off your MIL’s property is a hinderance to leaving?
You said that you and your first husband have remained friends. Is it possible for you to swallow your pride and ask him to help you move it to another location?
Hmmm. This may not work because you aren’t yet at the point to realize (or admit) you made a mistake, are you?
How about family members or friends — or getting a credit card?
No? I agree with whoever mentioned that you get the book, “Women Who Love Psychopaths.” I found Chapter 5 to be the most helpful to me to explain why my Ex targetted me — and I fell for it.
I was TOO kind, TOO sympathic, TOO everything == all things good with a NORMAL man who had the capacity to love me as a husband should. Mine SAID he loved me all the time but his actions PROVED he didn’t. Later, I learned that he didn’t even have the capacity to love anyone but himself.
All of us survivors on this board are good, kind, and loving people. Your husband’s EX sounds she has the same good qualities or she wouldn’t even be trying to warn you — now that you have asked her.
I wanted to warn my Ex’s new “victim” but I’m glad I didn’t because I had been told she wouldn’t believe me anyway, that I was still wanting him back (YUK), that I was just trying to ruin their relationship. BUT, I can tell you that if she ever comes asking me questions when the FOG clears for her, I’ll be telling her the same things your husband’s EX is telling you!
They (the bad guys) may be different in stature, vocation, educational level, etc., but INSIDE they are all the same — disordered souls who bring chaos into the lives everyone who loves them — sooner or later, usually later after you have been hooked.
In another group, it was “decided” that there must be a “factory” on some distant planet that manufactures them and then sends them to earth to torment us.
Biddy, that’s why all of us who have “been there, done that” can recognize that you are in a very bad marriage. GET OUT!
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blueskies says:
I’ve also considered telling the woman’s husband what she did because I don’t think it’s fair that I have to suffer while she goes one with her life as though nothing has happened.
You think its not fair that you suffer while she goes on with her life?
You DONT have to suffer any further at all, you DONT have to be in a relationship with a man who cheats (yes CHEATS, I’d place a bet that if, like someone here said, you check his movements or computer you might find he has NOT changed in that respect).
WHY would you want to waste your energy on trying to ruin this woman’s life?She is probably doing a good enough job of it already. It wont change who your husband is or what HE HAS DONE to you.
Even if she disappeared there will be another, and another(you can bet your bottom dollar) and the common denominator will be?………………… fill in the blank.
You are blaming this woman and even wanting revenge, holding her accountable for your husbands behaviour, while letting him off the hook and even seeing it as some kind of adorable ‘weakness’ in him that you can make better. this just doesnt make sense.
I DO understand how you are feeling though…he has you dancing to his twisted tune all over the place:(
I see from your post that you are resigned to stay and brave it out with him and I am so sorry to hear that, but others are right, sooner or later you will be on the other side of this and realising that EVERYTHING his wife said is completely TRUE.
P.S it took me a YEAR after the Ex wife contacted me with a whole load of toe curling facts about him to realise that every word of it was true, by which time I had been utterly destroyed.
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biddy says:
I don’t know why I can’t make the connection here. It’s just that when I read what sociopaths are, he just doesn’t seem to fit. I guess you’d just have to see what a good heart that he really has. When you say that he is only thinking of himself…how can he do that and be so kind and considerate to me and his friends? His ex says that he’s always wanted to appear to be Mr. Nice Guy because it helps him with his cover. She also has referred to him as a drama king. She says that his attention needs will soon consume my very soul. He has never expressed a lot of anger towards me. He treats me very well…now and says that we just got off to a very bad start and that he should have opened up to me a long time ago about his problems. Is there a chance that he is just suffering from an addiction to sex? I see these people on TV all the time and couples are working through it. Does THAT make him a full blown sociopath? Yes, he’s needy and he’s childish. His mother walked out of his life suddenly when he was a child…leaving a cheating father behind. He didn’t even know where she was and felt that it was his fault that she’d left because maybe he’d been bad. They soon reunited but he said that it was very traumatic for him and feels this is what is behind is insecurity…his brother shows a lot of the same insecurity. Also, my husband’s father molested him during this time. He said it was totally out of character for his father because they were just like any other family but that his father lost his mind there for awhile after his mother left. I’m trying so hard to figure out if he is indeed a victim of circumstances or if it is ME who is a victim like his ex keeps telling me. Also, I forgot to mention that his mother put the portion of the land that our house is on in his and my name. She told him now that we were married, it was mine, too. However, our land is surrounded by her property…it’s a middle tract.
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PInow says:
Sometimes I wake up still, Missing him and questioning if I am sane to have diagnosed my ex as this crippled being. I miss his touch, his smile, his eagerness to please. I turn to LF to read articles, posts, questions, and it brings me back to reality. I have put my Ex through hell. I was getting over another one, and he was “there for me”, giving me “advise” (that had all proven to serve only him at the end), and taking on the emotional care of a wounded soul (to wound it to the point of where I am now). My kids reported to me, that when my car would pull up into the garage and he heard the door open, he’d quickly run for the broom. The act began with my return, so that all I saw was sweet and good, weekly flowers and a lot of caring love words (words only they were). If not for my kids, I would have probably still been in the dark as to what dangerous animal I’ve decided to share my bed with. And they too fell for him at first, and the first of three years was truly glorious, full of kindness and warmth through and through. (of course, I provided financial “support”). It got to the point, where I’d thank him profusely for even doing the dishes, while I was charged with supporting the family, making financial decisions (his was always to get into savings, and I was jut not going to live like that), cooking, and child care. It seemed washing the dishes would have been the least he could contribute. But, he had my mind so warped, that I believed that my success was all due to his presence and ever lasting love. I still recall the growing feeling that things did not compute. We are used to believing that the words we hear are sincere. That is why our minds cannot process when they “hear” one thing, and experience something totally different.
I think you’ve read enough from us. Is he seeing a therapist for Sex Addiction? your love alone won’t save a sex addict. What steps is he actually taking as opposed to “says he’s taking” to a recovery?
Another thought is this: however bad our childhood memories are, it is our job to heal, not the other persons’. They may be there to support us, to remind us that it’s in the past, to guide and set an example, but not parent us and not take on our pain. Sociopath or not, I don’t trust your hub by the words you’ve used to describe him. He sounds much like the rest of our tormentors. And- so many of them are so kind and nice when it fits them to be. Good luck to you.
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