Comments on: Feeling guilty about a sociopathic stepson http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/ Wake up to the danger of sociopaths Thu, 09 Sep 2010 06:28:41 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9 hourly 1 By: tdpprocessing http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/comment-page-1/#comment-41499 tdpprocessing Wed, 15 Jul 2009 07:43:57 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/#comment-41499 Oxdrover, You are are the sunshine after the rain. Yes, she is gone. I miss her, and then I don't. I am in a zone that I have NEVER felt before. Her actions after the placement drives me there and also Ms. "I can save her." So, I went for visitation. She asked for shopping. So, I bought her whatever she asked for (of course the most expensive items she wanted and it had to be name brand because that's just HER). This was on a Sunday. On Monday, she stood at a position that she will NOT take my calls. Ms. "I can save her" told her that she didn't have to. I have done nothing to her, but, I am the evil one. It makes me laugh, but it hurts so much to the core of my soul. I admit, I did go off on her shrink with a few threats too saying, "The little tyrant has only one choice in life and that is, either peas or carrots for dinner and if she keeps it up, I will pick her ass up and take her to her father if she wants to play this game." Oh my God, I can't believe I went there!!! I'm certain the shrink is gathering with her army and ammunition, but I really don't care. I feel SAFE in my own skin. My blue eyes celebrated his third birthday yesterday and it was so peaceful. No police, no sleeping in a barracade, no preparation for the fire ladder in case she sets the place on fire, no safety concerns, no uptightness, just PEACE. It's funny, during visitation, she told me about an outing where her and the rest of the "dead" society went. Apparently, there was a truck driver that was cut off by their bus driver at a nature camp. Well, the truck driver flipped off the bus driver with the "undead" crew of kids present from her school while unboarding when he decided to vent. At cue (HER OWN WORDS....I SWEAR ON MY SON'S LIFE), they all flipped him off by sticking up both fingers in the air and making an X, as in xoxo, but just x with both vulgar fingers. Can you imagine this grown man's shock with a bus load of little girls ages 5 to 17 doing this? How refreshing right? All I can do is pray for strength and mercy that the school keeps her there until she "blends" better. Oxdrover,

You are are the sunshine after the rain.

Yes, she is gone. I miss her, and then I don’t. I am in a zone that I have NEVER felt before. Her actions after the placement drives me there and also Ms. “I can save her.”

So, I went for visitation. She asked for shopping. So, I bought her whatever she asked for (of course the most expensive items she wanted and it had to be name brand because that’s just HER). This was on a Sunday.

On Monday, she stood at a position that she will NOT take my calls. Ms. “I can save her” told her that she didn’t have to.

I have done nothing to her, but, I am the evil one. It makes me laugh, but it hurts so much to the core of my soul. I admit, I did go off on her shrink with a few threats too saying, “The little tyrant has only one choice in life and that is, either peas or carrots for dinner and if she keeps it up, I will pick her ass up and take her to her father if she wants to play this game.” Oh my God, I can’t believe I went there!!! I’m certain the shrink is gathering with her army and ammunition, but I really don’t care. I feel SAFE in my own skin.

My blue eyes celebrated his third birthday yesterday and it was so peaceful. No police, no sleeping in a barracade, no preparation for the fire ladder in case she sets the place on fire, no safety concerns, no uptightness, just PEACE.

It’s funny, during visitation, she told me about an outing where her and the rest of the “dead” society went. Apparently, there was a truck driver that was cut off by their bus driver at a nature camp. Well, the truck driver flipped off the bus driver with the “undead” crew of kids present from her school while unboarding when he decided to vent. At cue (HER OWN WORDS….I SWEAR ON MY SON’S LIFE), they all flipped him off by sticking up both fingers in the air and making an X, as in xoxo, but just x with both vulgar fingers. Can you imagine this grown man’s shock with a bus load of little girls ages 5 to 17 doing this? How refreshing right?

All I can do is pray for strength and mercy that the school keeps her there until she “blends” better.

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]]> By: tdpprocessing http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/comment-page-1/#comment-41498 tdpprocessing Wed, 15 Jul 2009 07:21:47 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/#comment-41498 I have to firmly say one thing: The Eyes. My experience with "them" being the daughter, sister, ex-wife and mother of one, I don't differentiate with height, weight, social status, race, creed, gender, sexual preference, political party.........just the disturbing "eyes". Sorry, I am totally black and white here, no ifs ands or buts and no gray areas. My socio-dar calls a spade, A SPADE! I have to firmly say one thing: The Eyes. My experience with “them” being the daughter, sister, ex-wife and mother of one, I don’t differentiate with height, weight, social status, race, creed, gender, sexual preference, political party………just the disturbing “eyes”. Sorry, I am totally black and white here, no ifs ands or buts and no gray areas. My socio-dar calls a spade, A SPADE!

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]]> By: aroundthebend http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/comment-page-1/#comment-41430 aroundthebend Tue, 14 Jul 2009 14:03:36 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/#comment-41430 Thanks Geminigirl, and Witsend, for your kind words and thoughtful support. I’m sorry I didn’t respond for a few days, but I wanted to spend some time thinking about all the great things that you and other people share on this site. Thanks to all for sharing your stories, and your profound growth. It means so much! Certainly, this ambiguous grief we all share is, at times, agonizing, in that our feelings shift frequently, along with varying levels of acceptance, that ebb and flow, each day. Our children, whether they are 3 or 43 years old, will always be our flesh and blood, and so part of what is so hard to let go of is that very basic physical/spiritual connection between mother and child which cannot be expurgated, even when we do need to let go and walk on. When I said in the other post that I feel "robbed of motherhood," I guess what I mean is that I am honoring the anger inside me that sees how the ex, (my daughter's father) so deliberately trained all the weakest areas of her personality to mold her into a weapon that would eventually come back to suffer to the degree that she would come to abuse me, and others. On one side of the coin, I guess one hard part to accept is not whether I did the best I could, but how to let go of the unknown question for which I may never answer: If my child had not been forced, through the corrupt system that let her down during the divorce, to be thrust into parenting with a sociopathic father (without her mom able to protect her for six years), would she be in this spot today? On the other side of the coin, and perhaps even more daunting, the other part for me that is hard to accept is to figure out just how much responsibility I own in my daughter’s suffering in her life, (ie in giving birth to her knowing the marriage wasn’t perfect at the time) and how much I now owe her because of my blatant unawareness and innocence. Is this responsibility an amount? Is it, at times, a feeling or need to relinquish my own happiness because she has suffered so much at times, in part because of my past naivety? I guess since neither question can be answered adequately, I’ve decided to view this process as a constant and sometimes unpredictable fluctuation between letting go and embracing, and knowing when it is time to perform which task, depending on the state of the “weather” inside, both in me, and in my child. I feel there has been a huge price for my naivety, and I find it awfully difficult not to give up on trying to help my child heal during the short moments she is open to receiving and reciprocating, because there are those small opportunities that pop up in each day; besides, I’m the one who brought her into this world, even if she is an adult (albeit a very confused one). The conclusion I’ve come to is that this process is much like the constant ebb and flow of tides, that our feelings and approaches toward the complexity of our children must be as wide and varied as the sea. As protective but also independent and responsible parents, we must be as vast and open as oceans, constant and present when our children are open to walking our shores, when they ready and aware to pick up the shells and gems of the wisdom we’ve learned in the process of our healing, but also constant and fully moving and trilling to the dances of our own lives and growth. When the tide ebbs, the children are gone, or we are in mourning, we are just gathering energy for the next flux, contemplating our mistakes and accepting the losses, or setting our boundaries so that they and we know that we will not accept anything less than a life with no abuse in it. When the tide comes in, we fill the shores with our tears and joy combined; at these times, we share the largesse of the wisdom we’ve gained from our suffering, with one another, with those people who are still unaware in society. Whether or not the people we love and care about want to share on our ocean journey is up to them, but we are always there, always doing our own thing. When children are little, we hold the responsibility to care for them at times when they are lost in the woods, but even then we still have the space of a rich inner life to cultivate; this garden may be the very place they may be ready for someday to come back to as their only soft place to fall. Even as we take moments to honor the anger, and honor the confusion, we can hold neither hope nor hopelessness inside regarding our children as the reasons we continue to grow and walk on inside. The only thing we can do is be fully in each moment, and to let those moments carry us, like the sea to our healthy inner and outer destinations. We had the lucky opportunity to put this into practice. Yesterday, my 18 year old daughter came back to NH to pack all her things so that she can move back in with her father in NJ, because her abusive behavior is such that she cannot live with us now. At first, my husband and I were dreading having to endure more abuse, albeit for a short time, and indeed, she did start in on her old behaviors. This time, I tried to observe as if she were one of my students and not my child, but with the same kind of love and kindness I would offer them, but without holding any expectation of healing or helping her. She asked me if we had told my husband’s sons about her abusive behaviors to us. I could not lie to her, but I couched it this way: “Everyone in a family has issues and problems, and in our family, people share the truth about our humanness so that we can help one another, not hurt each other. The boys see you as someone searching for yourself, just as they are doing.” At first, she responded several times, “Those boys are (expletives), and I never want to see them again.” I told her they would never speak about her in that way, and disengaged. Several hours later, my husband decided to take one of his sons on a hike. My daughter was happily opening her graduation present from us, a laptop, and so I felt intuitively here there might be a slight but rare opportunity to give her a chance to choose a path that would help her emerge from her shame and start embracing personal responsibility as a normal human being. I said “Your stepdad and his son are going on a hike to a beautiful place I’d love you to see! Would you like to go and see it so we could all go together?” She seemed to be wrestling inside with two opposing choices. I said, “If you choose to give it a shot, I think you may find that your fears might be unfounded.” And then she said, “I guess so.” So we packed into the care, surrounded by a moment of magic in joy. Then while we were on the hike, I asked my stepson if his brother might come along in the evening and bring his game “HALO” so that my daughter could try playing with him, and he did. In the end, we ALL shared a very wonderful dinner and evening. What happened here to me as a mom was HUGE; for once, my daughter didn’t flip out, and she was willing to be included in a family situation, knowing that she was taking a risk, and knowing that others knew that she had a tendency to abuse us. We told her afterward how much we admired her courage. Now we know that when she goes back into the abusive situation to live again, she does not want to close the door to a connection with us. At least for that moment, our family was blessed. Thanks Geminigirl, and Witsend, for your kind words and thoughtful support. I’m sorry I didn’t respond for a few days, but I wanted to spend some time thinking about all the great things that you and other people share on this site. Thanks to all for sharing your stories, and your profound growth. It means so much! Certainly, this ambiguous grief we all share is, at times, agonizing, in that our feelings shift frequently, along with varying levels of acceptance, that ebb and flow, each day. Our children, whether they are 3 or 43 years old, will always be our flesh and blood, and so part of what is so hard to let go of is that very basic physical/spiritual connection between mother and child which cannot be expurgated, even when we do need to let go and walk on. When I said in the other post that I feel “robbed of motherhood,” I guess what I mean is that I am honoring the anger inside me that sees how the ex, (my daughter’s father) so deliberately trained all the weakest areas of her personality to mold her into a weapon that would eventually come back to suffer to the degree that she would come to abuse me, and others. On one side of the coin, I guess one hard part to accept is not whether I did the best I could, but how to let go of the unknown question for which I may never answer: If my child had not been forced, through the corrupt system that let her down during the divorce, to be thrust into parenting with a sociopathic father (without her mom able to protect her for six years), would she be in this spot today? On the other side of the coin, and perhaps even more daunting, the other part for me that is hard to accept is to figure out just how much responsibility I own in my daughter’s suffering in her life, (ie in giving birth to her knowing the marriage wasn’t perfect at the time) and how much I now owe her because of my blatant unawareness and innocence. Is this responsibility an amount? Is it, at times, a feeling or need to relinquish my own happiness because she has suffered so much at times, in part because of my past naivety? I guess since neither question can be answered adequately, I’ve decided to view this process as a constant and sometimes unpredictable fluctuation between letting go and embracing, and knowing when it is time to perform which task, depending on the state of the “weather” inside, both in me, and in my child. I feel there has been a huge price for my naivety, and I find it awfully difficult not to give up on trying to help my child heal during the short moments she is open to receiving and reciprocating, because there are those small opportunities that pop up in each day; besides, I’m the one who brought her into this world, even if she is an adult (albeit a very confused one). The conclusion I’ve come to is that this process is much like the constant ebb and flow of tides, that our feelings and approaches toward the complexity of our children must be as wide and varied as the sea. As protective but also independent and responsible parents, we must be as vast and open as oceans, constant and present when our children are open to walking our shores, when they ready and aware to pick up the shells and gems of the wisdom we’ve learned in the process of our healing, but also constant and fully moving and trilling to the dances of our own lives and growth. When the tide ebbs, the children are gone, or we are in mourning, we are just gathering energy for the next flux, contemplating our mistakes and accepting the losses, or setting our boundaries so that they and we know that we will not accept anything less than a life with no abuse in it. When the tide comes in, we fill the shores with our tears and joy combined; at these times, we share the largesse of the wisdom we’ve gained from our suffering, with one another, with those people who are still unaware in society. Whether or not the people we love and care about want to share on our ocean journey is up to them, but we are always there, always doing our own thing. When children are little, we hold the responsibility to care for them at times when they are lost in the woods, but even then we still have the space of a rich inner life to cultivate; this garden may be the very place they may be ready for someday to come back to as their only soft place to fall. Even as we take moments to honor the anger, and honor the confusion, we can hold neither hope nor hopelessness inside regarding our children as the reasons we continue to grow and walk on inside. The only thing we can do is be fully in each moment, and to let those moments carry us, like the sea to our healthy inner and outer destinations.
We had the lucky opportunity to put this into practice. Yesterday, my 18 year old daughter came back to NH to pack all her things so that she can move back in with her father in NJ, because her abusive behavior is such that she cannot live with us now. At first, my husband and I were dreading having to endure more abuse, albeit for a short time, and indeed, she did start in on her old behaviors. This time, I tried to observe as if she were one of my students and not my child, but with the same kind of love and kindness I would offer them, but without holding any expectation of healing or helping her. She asked me if we had told my husband’s sons about her abusive behaviors to us. I could not lie to her, but I couched it this way: “Everyone in a family has issues and problems, and in our family, people share the truth about our humanness so that we can help one another, not hurt each other. The boys see you as someone searching for yourself, just as they are doing.” At first, she responded several times, “Those boys are (expletives), and I never want to see them again.” I told her they would never speak about her in that way, and disengaged. Several hours later, my husband decided to take one of his sons on a hike. My daughter was happily opening her graduation present from us, a laptop, and so I felt intuitively here there might be a slight but rare opportunity to give her a chance to choose a path that would help her emerge from her shame and start embracing personal responsibility as a normal human being. I said “Your stepdad and his son are going on a hike to a beautiful place I’d love you to see! Would you like to go and see it so we could all go together?” She seemed to be wrestling inside with two opposing choices. I said, “If you choose to give it a shot, I think you may find that your fears might be unfounded.” And then she said, “I guess so.” So we packed into the care, surrounded by a moment of magic in joy. Then while we were on the hike, I asked my stepson if his brother might come along in the evening and bring his game “HALO” so that my daughter could try playing with him, and he did. In the end, we ALL shared a very wonderful dinner and evening. What happened here to me as a mom was HUGE; for once, my daughter didn’t flip out, and she was willing to be included in a family situation, knowing that she was taking a risk, and knowing that others knew that she had a tendency to abuse us. We told her afterward how much we admired her courage. Now we know that when she goes back into the abusive situation to live again, she does not want to close the door to a connection with us. At least for that moment, our family was blessed.

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]]> By: OxDrover http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/comment-page-1/#comment-41121 OxDrover Thu, 09 Jul 2009 19:12:42 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/#comment-41121 Dear TDProcessing, I have been busy with other things and didn't get to your story until this afternoon. I am SOOO relieved that your child is out of your house and that you and your son are SAFE AT LAST. I heard the desperation of your posts months ago, and have worried and thought about and prayed fo ryou in the time since you posted last. I cannot even imagine how traumatized each day, each hour, each minute of your life in the interum has been. When I worked at the in-patient-psych-hospitals I saw "your daughtetr" and her clones daily and they were so scary that they made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. The Ms. I can save her Shrink also makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, because they try to make YOU look like a monster for being unable to control a "sweet little child"----I wish I could have seen my son as the MONSTER HE IS a long while before I finally got a clue, and that was after he had KILLED SOMEONE. Dear TDProcessing,

I have been busy with other things and didn’t get to your story until this afternoon. I am SOOO relieved that your child is out of your house and that you and your son are SAFE AT LAST.

I heard the desperation of your posts months ago, and have worried and thought about and prayed fo ryou in the time since you posted last. I cannot even imagine how traumatized each day, each hour, each minute of your life in the interum has been. When I worked at the in-patient-psych-hospitals I saw “your daughtetr” and her clones daily and they were so scary that they made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. The Ms. I can save her Shrink also makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up, because they try to make YOU look like a monster for being unable to control a “sweet little child”—-I wish I could have seen my son as the MONSTER HE IS a long while before I finally got a clue, and that was after he had KILLED SOMEONE.

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]]> By: witsend http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/comment-page-1/#comment-41108 witsend Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:11:12 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/#comment-41108 aroundthebend I have thought about you many times and wondered how you were doing with your daughter. I have to say that your story, when I read it months ago gave me hope and inspired me, as well to find someone out there that "gets it". I have found that some of the most difficult challenges is to find outside resources willing to help. I was unable to even get my son tested through the school system for ADD/ADHD. His insurance put that responsibility ON the school & of course the school put that responsibility ON the insurance. NOT that this even matters at this point, as he would refuse the meds anyways....However that was just my FIRST attempt at what was a long uphill battle to even BEGIN to find some small solutions to some of the many challenges......Two years later and it is still an uphill battle. There is NO "system" out there for any kind of EARLY intervention.....It all seems to revolve around breaking the law. I am so sick of hearing that..... I am sorry that your situation with your daughter has not been what you had hoped it would be. I hope that you can take some comfort in the fact that you did everything that you possibly could do as a parent.......I know those are shallow sounding "words", but in my heart, I really feel for what you are going through. I am still struggling to get through this. Wondering what my son is or isn't as far as the spectrum of the disorders/emotional and mental disorders. If I could wish anything for you it would be peace. Finding moments of peace within yourself. aroundthebend
I have thought about you many times and wondered how you were doing with your daughter. I have to say that your story, when I read it months ago gave me hope and inspired me, as well to find someone out there that “gets it”. I have found that some of the most difficult challenges is to find outside resources willing to help. I was unable to even get my son tested through the school system for ADD/ADHD. His insurance put that responsibility ON the school & of course the school put that responsibility ON the insurance. NOT that this even matters at this point, as he would refuse the meds anyways….However that was just my FIRST attempt at what was a long uphill battle to even BEGIN to find some small solutions to some of the many challenges……Two years later and it is still an uphill battle. There is NO “system” out there for any kind of EARLY intervention…..It all seems to revolve around breaking the law. I am so sick of hearing that…..

I am sorry that your situation with your daughter has not been what you had hoped it would be. I hope that you can take some comfort in the fact that you did everything that you possibly could do as a parent…….I know those are shallow sounding “words”, but in my heart, I really feel for what you are going through.
I am still struggling to get through this. Wondering what my son is or isn’t as far as the spectrum of the disorders/emotional and mental disorders.
If I could wish anything for you it would be peace. Finding moments of peace within yourself.

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]]> By: geminigirl http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/comment-page-1/#comment-41100 geminigirl Thu, 09 Jul 2009 11:38:48 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/#comment-41100 this was cut off, for some reason! I meant to say,Jesus said, FROM SUCH TURN AWAY!! She is not the lovely little girl you remember.She has to live with the choices she has made. You deserve a happy, peaceful, joyful life and you will never have this with her in your life. Its very hard, but Ive had to go NC with my daughter,and you will probably end up doing the same.I wish I could give you a big hug, and say, "God loves you! he doesnt blame you! You did your best!Now you have to move on, and let her go, as Im having to do. Its very hard, but you have the love and support of all these wonderful Loverfaud guys, to cheer you on!All the best,love, and Hugs,geminigirlXX this was cut off, for some reason! I meant to say,Jesus said, FROM SUCH TURN AWAY!! She is not the lovely little girl you remember.She has to live with the choices she has made. You deserve a happy, peaceful, joyful life and you will never have this with her in your life. Its very hard, but Ive had to go NC with my daughter,and you will probably end up doing the same.I wish I could give you a big hug, and say, “God loves you! he doesnt blame you! You did your best!Now you have to move on, and let her go, as Im having to do. Its very hard, but you have the love and support of all these wonderful Loverfaud guys, to cheer you on!All the best,love, and Hugs,geminigirlXX

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]]> By: geminigirl http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/comment-page-1/#comment-41099 geminigirl Thu, 09 Jul 2009 11:32:08 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/#comment-41099 Dear around the bend,I really feel for you, I had very similar problems to you with my then teenage daughter, Deborah. As soon as she hit puberty, she changed from this quiet, studious, hard workingchild, with top grades in every subject, into this raging fiend, who stayed out late, drank, was out of control, escaped out of her bedroom window, and ran off into the night. She was both physically and emotionally abusive to me. I tried everything I knew how, to reach her. Then she left school, ran away from home, and went to live in a squat with this "tribe" of punks.Her dad was even more devastated thn I wa and started drinking again, after 10 years of sobriety.over the last 30 years, she has stolen from me, conned me, lied to me, used me, I have given her thousands of dollars, and all because I was in this FOG {Fear, Obligation and Guilt}. It wasnt until I founf Lovefraud recently that the penny finally dropped. I wrote to her,{she is now 45}, letting her know the Mum bank is now closed, and that if she wishes to see me again I require her to apologise for all th mean rotten things she has done to me over the years. I have little hope that she will change,Narcissists apparently never change, so I will have to be strong and go NC,{no contact }. Its very painful to do this, but I know its my only hope of a good, peaceful life with my second husband. I deserve a better life, and I now know that I am NOT to blame for the way she has turned out. As Oxy said, "Kiss your dear little girl in your mind,, and say goodbye to her, because this scheming, selfish, abusive, manipulative nasty person is NOT the dear little girl you once had in your life. She has GONE for good.You deserve to live without guilt, fear,and this awful sinking feeling in your stomach. I had it for years.You need to live your life, and have a happy life!!Dear Around the bend, you will never win with a daughter like this.Dont feel robbed of your Motherhood, GOd knows you did the best you could!Even Jesus said, "If they reject your words, shake the dust of your feet and leave them.Dont cast your pearls before swine." He says to us, if they dont repent,{apologise and change their ways] Dear around the bend,I really feel for you, I had very similar problems to you with my then teenage daughter, Deborah. As soon as she hit puberty, she changed from this quiet, studious, hard workingchild, with top grades in every subject, into this raging fiend, who stayed out late, drank, was out of control, escaped out of her bedroom window, and ran off into the night. She was both physically and emotionally abusive to me. I tried everything I knew how, to reach her. Then she left school, ran away from home, and went to live in a squat with this “tribe” of punks.Her dad was even more devastated thn I wa and started drinking again, after 10 years of sobriety.over the last 30 years, she has stolen from me, conned me, lied to me, used me, I have given her thousands of dollars, and all because I was in this FOG {Fear, Obligation and Guilt}. It wasnt until I founf Lovefraud recently that the penny finally dropped. I wrote to her,{she is now 45}, letting her know the Mum bank is now closed, and that if she wishes to see me again I require her to apologise for all th mean rotten things she has done to me over the years. I have little hope that she will change,Narcissists apparently never change, so I will have to be strong and go NC,{no contact }. Its very painful to do this, but I know its my only hope of a good, peaceful life with my second husband. I deserve a better life, and I now know that I am NOT to blame for the way she has turned out. As Oxy said, “Kiss your dear little girl in your mind,, and say goodbye to her, because this scheming, selfish, abusive, manipulative nasty person is NOT the dear little girl you once had in your life. She has GONE for good.You deserve to live without guilt, fear,and this awful sinking feeling in your stomach. I had it for years.You need to live your life, and have a happy life!!Dear Around the bend, you will never win with a daughter like this.Dont feel robbed of your Motherhood, GOd knows you did the best you could!Even Jesus said, “If they reject your words, shake the dust of your feet and leave them.Dont cast your pearls before swine.” He says to us, if they dont repent,{apologise and change their ways]

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]]> By: aroundthebend http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/comment-page-1/#comment-41087 aroundthebend Thu, 09 Jul 2009 04:46:53 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/#comment-41087 Hello to All, As I read this thread, I feel very relieved to know that others go through similar experiences. After scouring the net for advice and comfort, I always end up finding solace at lovefraud.com. Tdpprocessing, I do so hope that you are finding the peace you deserve. Your strength to walk on is incredible, and I admire your ability to let go, even as it must be excruciating to have no other choice. I, too, have a daughter (she is my only child) who demonstrates sociopathic traits (either by proxy or a combination of training by the ex (her father) and perhaps genetic tendency from that side)- she is now 18. We were separated for 6 years; the sociopathic ex kidnapped her in 2003, and since the courts made all the transcripts disappear (he had connections), I lost all hope that I'd ever see her again, (in fact, mourned terribly after she left at 12). Last November, she returned to me and my second husband, with legs cut up, withdrawing from heroin use, truant from school, and telling us and the therapist that her half-brother had sexually abused her- there was a CPS case started by the school she was at in NJ. Since then, she has refused to be interviewed, because she doesn't want to "hurt" this person's life. Since she has come back, all the hope I once had to help her heal has gradually been decimated by her behavior, which over time seems more and more to mimic that of the ex. For the past nine months, my daughter has demonstrated all the signs of what we first thought was PTSD, then BPD, and now, psychopathic tendencies. She has abused us both terribly, calling us every swear word in the book, (the same ones the ex used to call me), lying, threatening us physically, behaving in such a horrendous manner that we have had to call the police, and trying to destroy the new marriage, creating lies designed to try to divide our relationship, and our family. (My new husband recently told me that on several occasions, she would confide in him that her mom was "crazy" and that her mom had had affairs during the marriage to her father- even as both were false, when he told me my daughter had told him these things behind my back, I felt as if the trust between me and my child had been forever breached). Now she claims she cannot "remember" ever saying anything, and that my new husband was "making it all up to make her look bad." At first, I held up high hopes that she could heal, because she knew how to draw me back emotionally in to the old connection we used to share, years ago; however, over a period of several months, we observed a stark fluctuation between two opposing personalities, splitting almost perfectly in her, one very charming, sweet and needy, (the part of her that wanted or needed something from us), with words that could convince everyone of her abilities, but without any actions to follow them, and the other, an overly entitled, demanding, abusive teen acting out in rages akin to those of a 4 year old child. Just when she was about to get tossed out of school in NH, she agreed to be hospitalized for 8 days, and then we tried Risperdal for her extreme rages. For about a month, things were a little better, but after that, the situation became progressively worse, to the point that we couldn't maintain our normal family life, nor invite my husband's two wonderful boys over for dinner, because of some daily rage she'd initiate that was upsetting the entire household. As she claimed that her social anxiety "prevented her" from going to school, we arranged for homeschooling until her graduation. This seemed a bit strange, as her social life in NJ had seemed almost extreme and ever-blooming (particularly with those who were fond of using heroin)- however, in NH, she refused to make any new connections, pay 50 dollars for a license, or do anything save complete the least amount of work she had to do to graduate, then take off for a summer in NJ. It wasn't until she kept going back to her father and her druggie friends in NJ for every possible vacation, where she is still being abused, and likely also again using drugs, that I started to have no choice but to realize that the mean side of my daughter was the "real" one, that she came to NH, in part, in her own words, "to use us to graduate." This week, we called her, via conference call with our family therapist, and she stated that she "got along with her father better," and since "we made it too hard for her to stay in NH" (by requiring her to get into an independent living program), she was going to stay with her father (supposedly), even as it "was all our fault that she couldn't stay in NH." At any rate, even as I can walk on (I went through this mourning process when she was 12, as even then she was showing signs of splitting and psychopathy), I fear that she may die of a heroin overdose (she is hanging out with two other friends who are on probation for heroin, and has initiated suicide attempts in the past.) We are prepared for what future horrors may come, but can do no more for her, as we tried so very hard to give her the chance to choose to allow what we thought as the nice part of her, to become real, 24-7. It does feel like a tremendous relief not to have to dread waking up every morning to cater endlessly to her neediness and her abuse, and yet, at the same time, I feel robbed of my motherhood, (and 6 years of being in her life), and robbed of the connection I once had with my only child. In the same breath, I also try to honor the part of me that needs to walk on, to breathe, and to live without fear, and without guilt or past stigma. One day at a time. Peace and healing to you Tdp, and to all. Hello to All,

As I read this thread, I feel very relieved to know that others go through similar experiences. After scouring the net for advice and comfort, I always end up finding solace at lovefraud.com. Tdpprocessing, I do so hope that you are finding the peace you deserve. Your strength to walk on is incredible, and I admire your ability to let go, even as it must be excruciating to have no other choice. I, too, have a daughter (she is my only child) who demonstrates sociopathic traits (either by proxy or a combination of training by the ex (her father) and perhaps genetic tendency from that side)- she is now 18. We were separated for 6 years; the sociopathic ex kidnapped her in 2003, and since the courts made all the transcripts disappear (he had connections), I lost all hope that I’d ever see her again, (in fact, mourned terribly after she left at 12). Last November, she returned to me and my second husband, with legs cut up, withdrawing from heroin use, truant from school, and telling us and the therapist that her half-brother had sexually abused her- there was a CPS case started by the school she was at in NJ. Since then, she has refused to be interviewed, because she doesn’t want to “hurt” this person’s life.

Since she has come back, all the hope I once had to help her heal has gradually been decimated by her behavior, which over time seems more and more to mimic that of the ex. For the past nine months, my daughter has demonstrated all the signs of what we first thought was PTSD, then BPD, and now, psychopathic tendencies. She has abused us both terribly, calling us every swear word in the book, (the same ones the ex used to call me), lying, threatening us physically, behaving in such a horrendous manner that we have had to call the police, and trying to destroy the new marriage, creating lies designed to try to divide our relationship, and our family. (My new husband recently told me that on several occasions, she would confide in him that her mom was “crazy” and that her mom had had affairs during the marriage to her father- even as both were false, when he told me my daughter had told him these things behind my back, I felt as if the trust between me and my child had been forever breached). Now she claims she cannot “remember” ever saying anything, and that my new husband was “making it all up to make her look bad.”

At first, I held up high hopes that she could heal, because she knew how to draw me back emotionally in to the old connection we used to share, years ago; however, over a period of several months, we observed a stark fluctuation between two opposing personalities, splitting almost perfectly in her, one very charming, sweet and needy, (the part of her that wanted or needed something from us), with words that could convince everyone of her abilities, but without any actions to follow them, and the other, an overly entitled, demanding, abusive teen acting out in rages akin to those of a 4 year old child.

Just when she was about to get tossed out of school in NH, she agreed to be hospitalized for 8 days, and then we tried Risperdal for her extreme rages. For about a month, things were a little better, but after that, the situation became progressively worse, to the point that we couldn’t maintain our normal family life, nor invite my husband’s two wonderful boys over for dinner, because of some daily rage she’d initiate that was upsetting the entire household. As she claimed that her social anxiety “prevented her” from going to school, we arranged for homeschooling until her graduation. This seemed a bit strange, as her social life in NJ had seemed almost extreme and ever-blooming (particularly with those who were fond of using heroin)- however, in NH, she refused to make any new connections, pay 50 dollars for a license, or do anything save complete the least amount of work she had to do to graduate, then take off for a summer in NJ.

It wasn’t until she kept going back to her father and her druggie friends in NJ for every possible vacation, where she is still being abused, and likely also again using drugs, that I started to have no choice but to realize that the mean side of my daughter was the “real” one, that she came to NH, in part, in her own words, “to use us to graduate.” This week, we called her, via conference call with our family therapist, and she stated that she “got along with her father better,” and since “we made it too hard for her to stay in NH” (by requiring her to get into an independent living program), she was going to stay with her father (supposedly), even as it “was all our fault that she couldn’t stay in NH.” At any rate, even as I can walk on (I went through this mourning process when she was 12, as even then she was showing signs of splitting and psychopathy), I fear that she may die of a heroin overdose (she is hanging out with two other friends who are on probation for heroin, and has initiated suicide attempts in the past.)

We are prepared for what future horrors may come, but can do no more for her, as we tried so very hard to give her the chance to choose to allow what we thought as the nice part of her, to become real, 24-7. It does feel like a tremendous relief not to have to dread waking up every morning to cater endlessly to her neediness and her abuse, and yet, at the same time, I feel robbed of my motherhood, (and 6 years of being in her life), and robbed of the connection I once had with my only child. In the same breath, I also try to honor the part of me that needs to walk on, to breathe, and to live without fear, and without guilt or past stigma. One day at a time. Peace and healing to you Tdp, and to all.

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]]> By: breckgirl http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/comment-page-1/#comment-40652 breckgirl Fri, 03 Jul 2009 22:15:11 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/#comment-40652 tdpprocessing - I am in awe of your ability to hold it together in the face of this - you sound clear and rational and - well healthy despite the enormous amount of horror you have had to face. I love what Kathleen wrote - Your strength through all of this, your focus on what needs to be done, has been superhuman. And- You are brave. And not just brave for a moment, but brave over a long time. Co-sign that! May you have a wonderful celebration July 4th - may freedom from this struggle be yours. tdpprocessing – I am in awe of your ability to hold it together in the face of this – you sound clear and rational and – well healthy despite the enormous amount of horror you have had to face.

I love what Kathleen wrote –

Your strength through all of this, your focus on what needs to be done, has been superhuman.

And-

You are brave. And not just brave for a moment, but brave over a long time.

Co-sign that!

May you have a wonderful celebration July 4th – may freedom from this struggle be yours.

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]]> By: Matt http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/comment-page-1/#comment-40649 Matt Fri, 03 Jul 2009 21:42:26 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/29/feeling-guilty-about-a-sociopathic-stepson/#comment-40649 tdprocessing: Your comment on your parting from your daughter made me think of a comment so many on this site have made -- that once an S has decided you are of no further use to him, he walks away without so much as a backward glance at you. I am in no position to address the parent-child bond. There is a part of me that wonders what your daughter would do if you didn't bring her the "treats" you promised her. I suspect that if you didn't produce those treats in short order she would decide that you were of no use to her on a going-forward basis. Have you ever read the book "The Bad Seed"? It is a fiction book about the mother of a young girl who is a sociopath. While most people on the first read think it is the story of a sociopathic child who becomes a murderer, it is really the story of the mother. tdprocessing:

Your comment on your parting from your daughter made me think of a comment so many on this site have made — that once an S has decided you are of no further use to him, he walks away without so much as a backward glance at you.

I am in no position to address the parent-child bond. There is a part of me that wonders what your daughter would do if you didn’t bring her the “treats” you promised her. I suspect that if you didn’t produce those treats in short order she would decide that you were of no use to her on a going-forward basis.

Have you ever read the book “The Bad Seed”? It is a fiction book about the mother of a young girl who is a sociopath. While most people on the first read think it is the story of a sociopathic child who becomes a murderer, it is really the story of the mother.

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