After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 12 – Reclaiming Self-Love
PDF Love is huge topic that spans every other issue that we have discussed so far, and ones we have not touched yet. But for our purposes – to talk about our next steps in healing from traumatic relationships – we have to narrow it down.
This article will discuss the most basic and important element of love — how we love ourselves. We will look at how we our relationships with ourselves are changing. And how that is affecting what other people mean to us
What we think of ourselves
Years ago, when I was involved with a New Age bookstore, I ran into lots of programs that taught positive affirmations. That is, repeating phrases about how lovable we are, how successful we are, how loved we are by the universe, as a form of self-hypnosis. The idea was that we would eventually believe it. And believing it would change our lives.
Unfortunately, many of us only succeeded in making ourselves feel guilty about not believing it. So, as the next best thing, we tried to pretend that we really believed it. And we basically became like those silly pseudo-Buddhists of the earlier hippie days whose languid pronouncements of “it’s all cool, man” was a paper-thin veneer on their angry or fearful rejection of everything that made them the tiniest bit uncomfortable.
For me, the concept of “loving yourself” had a psychobabble flavor. Another fad for people who were looking for short-cuts to higher consciousness. Or maybe this concept was too large, too grand for me.
And why? Because there was too much not to love about myself. Occasionally, somewhere between a second and third glass of wine, I was comfortable with myself. But in the sober light of day, evaluating both the interior of my mind and the evidence of my life, I could write long lists of where I fell short. I didn’t even know what loving myself would feel like But as a start, it would help if I weren’t so anxious all the time. If the anxiety didn’t make me so disorganized. If I could actually plan something and follow without getting distracted with worrying about whether I was going to get distracted and follow through. Sigh.
So you can imagine how I reacted when the occasional character showed up who 1) told me how wonderful I was, 2) told me how he knew how to sort out my messes, 3) talked about his vision of a better life (that he already knew how to do), and 4) raved about his luck at finding someone (me) who fit so perfectly into his perfect plans for this perfect life. I’d think that maybe I was wrong about being such a mess. Maybe the people I’d met before hadn’t been perceptive enough to see this wonderfulness in me. Maybe I wasn’t perceptive enough either, and he was so much smarter. Maybe God had finally decided to send me the long-deferred trophy for trying hard.
And then, because I wasn’t impressed with myself or my life, I would start throwing things away. He didn’t like the way I dressed? No problem. He didn’t like the way I worked? No problem. He thought I should worry more about him than myself? No problem. And then finally, when I realized that nothing I could ever do would be enough, and that the whole relationship was new evidence of my failure to choose well, I would leave behind whatever I had with him, and re-enter the increasingly familiar grind of starting over.
Depressing, isn’t it? A particularly dark view of my history of serial monogamy, and one that explains my periodic descents into depression as I struggled to forgive myself for yet another disaster. But there is a nugget of illuminating truth here that I didn’t grasp until my last relationship with the sociopath.
Here it is. I didn’t believe that my life was my “real” life. Or that I was who I “really” was. Who I was and the way I lived were just interim conditions, until I got to the real thing. The life where I accomplished what I was really capable of. The “me” that was always emotionally balanced, lucid, focused, able to handle all of life’s details. All this imaginary stuff was the waiting reality. And in the meantime, I was living in a kind of purgatory. (For those of you who weren’t brought up Catholic, that is a temporary hell where we burn off minor sins before finally being allowed into heaven.).
in healing, I realized that the sociopath and I had this thing in common. He was never living the life he deserved. All this relentless focus of his was about his drive to put the puzzle pieces together – fame, wealth, universal admiration, all the “merit badges” of his travel and his expensive hobbies to present a smooth and plausible front – so he could airdrop into the “real” life that was waiting for him. The humiliations he had to endure now – including stooping to deal with my unsatisfactory self – were just necessary evils to be discarded and forgotten, except for an amusing story or two of his life on the street, once the lost prince found his way back to the palace.
I used to find his pretensions and ambitions childish. Until I realized that we were alike in this. I wasn’t trying to work my way back to the throne room. But otherwise we were the same. I looked down at who I was and what I did. I was prepared to give up almost anything to become who I was supposed to be. With the sociopath, that turned out to include my business, my family, my friends, my homes, my money, my mental health.
In fact the reason I got involved with him at all, as well as my other significant relationships, is that I saw them as chances to transform my life. To make it something else entirely. The good news is that I’ve lived an interesting life. The bad news is that, though all of this, I never was able to finish anything, hold onto anything. I had lots of funny-tragic stories. That was my life equity. Otherwise, I was the poster child for unfulfilled potential.
Which — surprise! — accurately reflected what I thought of myself.
Getting real
Taped on the wall next to my bathroom mirror is a page from the 2005 Zen daily calendar. The quote on it from Chogyam Trungpa reads, “No one can turn you completely upside down and inside out. You must accept yourself as you are, instead of you as would like to be, which means giving up self-deception and wishful thinking.”
The paper is yellowed and wavy from shower fog, marked with stains from flying drops of coffee, makeup and toothpaste. I took it down today to copy it for this article and then put it back where it was. It might look a little trashy to a visitor, but to me it’s a jewel placed in the perfect setting, right next to where I look at myself in the mirror every day of my life.
That little quote commemorates my belated recognition. This is me. This is my life.
I don’t have to value it all highly. I can look at any part of it and decide that it’s not useful anymore, or that I love it dearly. But everything that I own, everything I have accomplished (and that’s a lot, even though it wasn’t exactly what I hoped), all my experience, the relationships and memories, the responsibilities, the plans, all the things I think about, is me and my life. What is real right now is what is real.
It wasn’t just about what was objectively real, but it was also about how I saw it. The mental lenses which caused me to see things in a particular way. Like the lens that is fearful about throwing things away, in case all the stores are closed or I run out of money or I need that thing to trade with terrorists for my life. Or the lens that remembers when I was wrong about people, and never gets quite enough information to feel safe. These are me too. If I think I’m stupid or disorganized or have bad judgment, these thoughts are me too. All of these things are who I am.
There are a lot of pivotal moments in our healing, but for me, this idea shifted the ground under my feet. I had spent my entire life rejecting the very reality I lived with, as well as living with the self-questioning insecurity of feeling like an unfinished, inadequate person. This insight told me that I was finished, as far as I went. I didn’t need to be perfect to be real. What I was and what I had done had meaning. I was here, alive, having lived through so much, having struggled so hard to find my way. And the big trophy didn’t need to be coming from anywhere outside myself. I was the trophy. This life, imperfect as it was, was the trophy.
There wasn’t a speck of unrealistic thinking in this. It wasn’t grandiose. It didn’t change the fact that I was still in the middle of healing. My life was messy, and I was still trying to figure out how to be the person I wanted to be. But the big change was that it did not diminish me. I wasn’t beating myself up. I could stop being vulnerable to other people beating me up, because I secretly agreed with them. It opened a new view of my life. Instead of an arid moonscape of failure-craters, it was a rich green story of learning and survival. Some of my worst chapters – the big tragedies and huge failures – began to look different when I thought about how they brought me to here and now. It began to look okay.
Who do we love?
I can see by the word count of this article that we will need at least one more before we talk about loving other people. Something about what taking care of our well-loved selves really means. We need to get clear about that before we even think about another intimate relationship. But maybe we can conclude this one by talking a little bit about what we love in ourselves. And how that relates to unresolved trauma.
One of the most difficult and painful experiences that I can imagine is what happened to Jewish people in Europe during World War II. Survivors of the Holocaust lost family members and endured inhuman treatment in concentration camps. The challenges these people faced individually and as a community to heal, extract some positive meaning from these experiences and to move forward toward confident and creative lives are beyond anything I can imagine.
Just knowing about this – as well as the challenges of other people who face long-term cruelty and desperate living conditions — has sometimes helped me keep my personal challenges in perspective. As well as helping me understand things I might not otherwise understand about international politics, as well as the emotional states and concerns of people I meet. Sometimes there is not enough time in a lifetime, or even several generations, to work through complete healing.
And this is something we may have to accept in ourselves. As long as we are still living with the consequences of trauma that has not been fully transformed into learning that that increases our emotional freedom, compassion and conscious power to act, our values are going to be shaped by the progress we have made, as far as it has gone. And those values are going to have an impact on how we see ourselves and others. That is especially true if we still perceive ourselves as victims.
We may see other people around us who seem happier, more peaceful, able to do things that are beyond us right now, and we may be tempted to be envious or bitter about our lot or afraid that we are less than them. But this is not the truth. The truth is that we’re midstream in a great learning process. And wherever we are speaks of personal triumph to survive and learn more how to navigate this world.
Meanwhile, we are entitled to appreciation and gratitude for the great work of our bodies, minds, emotional systems and spiritual depths that brought us to where we are today. We can feel pride – not grandiosity, but the dignity of self-respect – in what we have accomplished. By the evidence of our lives, we are not nothing. Far from it. Each of us can look in the mirror and see someone of substance and value.
In learning to accept ourselves, we sometimes have to make peace with things about ourselves that are not perfect. And in doing this, we walk a fine line. We don’t want to deny where we fall short of what we’d like to be, things we’re still working on. But we can also see in our shortcomings the recognition of our true potential. Here are some suggestions for doing that.
If we are grieving, it is because of our blessed capacity to embrace life and take risks. If we are confused, it is because we value meaning and order. If we are angry, it is because we have a backbone of will and belief. If we are lonely, it is because we feel our deep connection with the world, but are still seeking where and how. If we feel despair, it is because we have a deep capacity for faith and hope. If we are depressed, we are in the midst of a great transition of belief. We may not see though it all yet. But the more it pains us, the more we know we are in the active process of learning.
All of this honorable. All of this is reason to respect ourselves.
Where self-love leads us
And if we can’t find any other reason to love ourselves, or if we are unsure that we can love ourselves and still be good people, the ultimate reason is that it is better for the world if we do. If we are patient and understanding with ourselves, if we believe in our potential, if we allow ourselves the dignity of self-respect even though we’re not perfect, it alters the most important lens by which we see the world. If we respect ourselves, we acknowledge that living through our growing-up and the dramas of life’s challenges is the universal story of life. It enables us to see that everything and everyone else is living through their own stories, and, for that reason, may deserve respect as well.
For trauma survivors, this is a touchy concept. If we have endured trauma at the hands of people whose life dramas create hurt and loss for other people, respect might sound like a ridiculous idea. Especially when our survival depends on clearly separating our interests from the interests of people who would harm us. However, if I were in the jungle with hungry lions around, I believe I would have better chance of survival if I respected what they are, than writing them off as evil.
Respect is a form of seeing, an even higher level of observation than the trusting of patterns that we discussed in the last article. It is a way of seeing that often provides us with more information than emotional reactions or judgments. Respect is not admiration or involvement. It is recognition that another being exists in his or her own world, facing private challenges, working with personal resources or lack of them. It helps us face reality more squarely, while maintaining the distance that respect implies. That is, observing from behind our own boundaries and seeing other people as separate from us. Respect helps us see larger patterns of life, making us more aware how we might be affected, whether or not we are actively involved.
Some people have a natural understanding of respect. But for others – especially if we grew up in Drama Triangle environments of victims and rescuers — it is something we have to learn. My Buddhist friend, when I begged him to help me warn off my ex’s latest girlfriend, told me an old saying “Nothing is more dangerous than interfering with other people’s dreams.” He was telling me to respect other people’s paths, to detach myself from what is none of my business and can not change.
Respect acknowledges our differences, while bringing us closer to actually understanding. It helps us recognize the emotional foundations of other people’s behavior or the type of energy they spread, without having to judge it any further than whether it is good for us. So that we can make easier and better choices about where we invest our energy. Respecting the different realities of other lives can even refine our feelings, enabling us to react more accurately. Like appreciating a flower growing in a landfill. Or being touched by the fleeting generosity of someone we know is virtually incapable of sharing. To experience love, awe, gratitude in smaller increments, and also disgust, frustration and grief in ways that we feel sharply but keep in perspective.
All of this makes us more solid with ourselves. Able to choose what is best for us, what matches who we are. This is how self-acceptance, self-love and self-respect are connected to personal power. Not accumulating power over other people, but being more aware and focused on how our actions affect our lives and the world around us.
In this work, we are moving farther from the struggles of early healing, deeper into the realm of accepting reality as “what is,” a relatively neutral position, that only works if we feel fully empowered to act on our own behalf. In the next article, to prepare a little more for love, we will talk more about power and emotional freedom.
Namaste. The deeply respectful spirit in me salutes with awe the flowering spirit in you.
Kathy
written by Kathleen Hawk • Permalink •
blueskies says:
What a fantastic article kathleen.
I really needed to read this and the subsequent comments today.
Thank you so much.
‘I had spent my entire life rejecting the very reality I lived with, as well as living with the self-questioning insecurity of feeling like an unfinished, inadequate person.’ That really resonates. I think this is how I ‘live’, if you can call it that… of course there are factors, but… what kind of existance is this?
I have a very good friend, my best friend infact, we were once lovers until we turned into brother and sister. He and I have had some wonderful times and conversations over the years and we talk often on the blower and spend time together. I remember early on in our friendship when I discovered that despite his 1st degree in fine art his incredible talent as a photo realist painter and photographer of beautiful ‘moments’ he chose to work for very little as a teaching assistant and had no wish to do anything ‘grander’ , asking him why he didnt want to make ‘more’ of himself or have any ‘ambition’(blimey was I missing the point). He has many times since tried to explain to me that although he of course has the usual sadnesses and occasional lonlinesses as everyone else, he is conent with the here and now, with his ‘little’ life, finding beauty in the moments, and doesnt expend much energy on worrying about what he hasnt ‘done’ or ‘got’ or what he ‘ought’ to be.
I have to add – (unlike the self proclaimed personal Jesus that was the s/p creeazoid) He is not walking around in some blissed out state, he is not lazy, not arrogant, grandiose or selfish, just for the most part content with his here and now.
It is a quality in him that I am amazed by, that I am in love with, that I understand the power of, but have not yet developed properly within myself.
I know where it ‘lives’ and it IS within me, because I glimse it (when watch stars with my son, walk in fairy woods and other such places.lol!) I want to find my way closer to that place, live in it on a more full time basis and no longer in my personal purgatory ‘waiting’ for heaven to appear over the next big hill!
I know I am a bit of scatty waffler sometimes – but this is really powerful and timely stuff here for me today. Thank you, thank you once again LF-ers!:)x
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Kathleen Hawk says:
blueskies, I’m so glad you found this at the right time for you.
I love the story of your friend. He sounds like someone I’d like to have as a friend. The fact that you two connect so well means a lot about you. I think you have that heaven inside of you, just waiting for you to clear the path. That’s what the business of healing really is, I think.
You made me laugh calling yourself “a scatty waffler sometimes.” Me too. I think one of my life challenges is to find the beauty in that.
Namaste.
Kathy
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shabbychic says:
Kathleen: The zen calendar says (in part) “You must accept yourself as you are, instead of as you would like to be, which means giving up self-deception and wishful thinking.”
Is accepting yourself the same as loving yourself?
What if the person (ok, it’s me) sees herself as ugly… but others see her as pretty, or sees herself as fat… when others see someone with a nice figure?
I can TRY to not let myself be taken advantage of, maybe I finally faced the fear of rejection/abandonment, so I don’t have to fall prey to their every whim.
I don’t want it to be a self fulfilling prophesy that I never meet someone else because I think I’m too old and ugly. How do I get out of that? I want to put positive thoughts out to the universe, so I’ll get positive results back. Suitors aren’t exactly beating a path to my door.
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Kathleen Hawk says:
shabbychic,
That’s a great question. I think that the answer is that you have to accept yourself to love yourself. Acceptance comes first.
And sometimes that may involve some judgment, because we’ve been trained to think that way. We’re either beautiful or a slob. We’re either successful or lazy. We either whatever our list of “good things” are or we’re scum.
I know that one of my big attractions to my ex was that he was so cool. He really was. He had cool down pat. And, of course, he was very concerned about how I looked and acted if I was going to be with him, so he pushed me to make a lot of changes in some things. My hair, my glasses, my clothes, some of the language that I used. He also introduced me to a lot of music, film and books that I wasn’t so aware of (because he was 20 years younger then me and recently out of college).
But he was also very critical. Of my age, my weight, my work, my expectations of him, etc.
So after I got rid of him, because he was the worst person I’d ever met in terms of personal involvement, I still was carrying that influence. I liked the things about me that he liked or that he had changed, and I hated the things about me that he criticized. Everytime I looked in the mirror, I saw myself through his eyes, and measured how I looked by how he would see me.
When I got to this business of accepting myself, the first wave of it was just getting honest about what I was. My age, my weight, how I worked, the messiness of my life, that fact that I was not cool like him. All the things I was scared of and had been resisting. I just took a deep breath, and said, okay, all this is true. And for a while, to tell the truth, I probably thought a lot worse of myself than was absolutely true.
But I did it for a reason. I wanted to get free of his influence and be honest with myself. To stop trying to be someone I wasn’t. When people said nice thing to me that didn’t match my kind of negative-realistic view of myself, I said “thank you” but thought “yeah right.” And a few close friends, who knew what was going on, suggested that my view of myself at that time was more related to my life-long undervaluing of myself, than any objective truth. So I stored that away for later consideration, but continued to try to be ruthlessly honest about my shortcomings.
This phase didn’t last forever. Because when I stopped trying to see myself as other people saw me, and started just to see myself as I am, a kind of magical thing started to happen. I began to discover this new person in the mirror. And this is really hard to explain, but instead of seeing this superficial view of me that either did or didn’t match up to a whole lot of ideas I picked up in the world about what was good or attractive, I began to see this real person. Who wasn’t good or bad, attractive or ugly, young or old, but just real.
I could see my changing moods, the way my thoughts showed in my eyes, whether I was tired or upbeat, how healthy I was or wasn’t. And even that sounds like judgment, but it was it was just observation, friendly observation. I was getting to know myself and how I looked without matching myself up with anything else.
And that awareness was part of my deciding not only to just be myself but to allow myself to be who I wanted to be, whatever that was, depending on the day, the mood, the stresses, the satisfactions. I began to think about what I wore in terms of whether it pleased me, as well as what it communicated about me. I started thinking about what I was saying to people in terms of how it made me feel, as well as what I got back from them. And I started working on authenticity, instead of structuring myself around what people thought about me.
I know this a really long answer, and I’m not sure if it’s helpful. But maybe this will be. One of the things I discovered relatively quickly is that my relationships really got better. People were more attracted to me and more interested. I think it was because I wasn’t so stiff and careful, and because I start showing them who I am. The humor. The way I think. I became more spontaneous. In some ways more challenging, especially when I met someone who was trying to manipulate me.
And people responded. Of course, there were people who didn’t like me. There are always people who don’t like us. And the more comfortable and confident we get, the more we threaten certain people, as well as clarify our differences with people who are very rigid in terms of what they like or accept.
But you know, as one of my therapists once said, if they don’t like you when you’re pretending to be something else, they probably won’t like you when you’re not. So you might as well be honest about who you really are.
All that said, we may have to “try” a little, if we want to fit in with a certain group or if we’re trying to communicate with someone that we’re attracted to them. I know that I dress differently if I’m going out on a date with someone I have romantic or sexual interest in, than I do with someone who is a buddy. But I think that, too, is just a form of self-expression, being who I really am.
So, chic, I guess the end of this story is a few things. First, you are beautiful. Period. Second, accepting yourself may require you to get over some ideas that you have about what’s acceptable, but in the end, that acceptance will lead you to a kind of self love that makes you more attractive than looking like a model. And third, anyone who doesn’t accept you the way you are, especially in personal relationships, is someone who doesn’t “get” you.
If you’re really getting out in the world, and nobody gets you, then you may have to try to figure out what you’re doing that’s confusing them. But I don’t think that’s going to happen. Usually authentic people who are happy with themselves attract the same type of person. And that’s what you want.
If you need to do some positive visualizations, maybe that might be good subjecti matter. Imagining how that might be to be that kind person. And imagining what it might be like to spend some time with another one.
The really good people like you for yourself.
Namaste, chic.
Kathy
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shabbychic says:
Thank you for answering!
“my view of myself at that time was more related to my life-long undervaluing of myself, than any objective truth”… I’ve ALWAYS undervalued myself, that’s how I let myself get stomped all over like a doormat. I’ll print out your answer and read it several times so it all sinks in (into my thick skull).
“…but in the end, that acceptance will lead you to a kind of self love that makes you more attractive than looking like a model.” Ha! I’d rather look like a model… LOL
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Betty says:
Here’s an experiment I’ve been doing: every morning, I look at myself in the mirror — short and round — and I think of something funny until I laugh. It’s amazing: I watch myself become beautiful! Not “model” beautiful, but there’s really a profound change. I can see warmth and acceptance on my face, and how my eyes light up — and I carry that out into the world with me — which is getting interesting, because I’m in job search, and I’m scared.
I’m beginning to experience what Kathy described: I can see myself quite clearly now; just me, without making all those comparisons to flawless women in the adverts, about 7 feet tall and not a hint of a wrinkle. I let that go, and see me, just where I am as I am, and that’s a very good thing. I’m thankful, for instance, that everything still works, and I can do yoga and walk miles. I pay special attention to things I find that I enjoy; it wasn’t so long ago that I couldn’t list my preferences, cause even my likes were catered to pleasing others first. Not any longer.
I would really enjoy meeting a great guy, absolutely — but I’m so glad I finally met myself first! The peace and acceptance that I longed for and thought would come from another person was waiting for me all along, but I had to learn to recognize to it first. It’s with me, more and more frequently these days. I had to begin to take in that I’m worthy of love and attention, especially my own.
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geminigirl says:
Dearest Kathleen,your response to Kindheart on 1st July, could have been written for me, so I thank you! Im just beginning to realise that my Mum,[whom I adored} was a N. and an emotional manipulater. I was never allowed to get to know my dad, as he was HER daddy figure, so I always thought of him as cold and distant until he was quite old, and I realised he hadnt been given a chance to get close to me.My two brothers, now 68 nad 66, dont talk to me now either. The live in U.K, and Ive lived in Australia since 1973. I flew to UK in 1992 to visit with Mum,,83, who was in a very good old peoples home. My dad had died six weeks earlier. I wasnt able to go to his funeral, but sent a lovely poem about him Id written. I asked my brothers to read it at his funeral, they both refused,{I found out later.} On my flight to see Mum, she died when I was on the plane. So, I only got to see her in her coffin. When I arrived at Roberts home,{I was taken there by Bill, my younger brother}he insisted I go through Mums jewelery box, before Id even taken my coat off. It was December, and cold. I said,”Couldnt I just have a cup of tea first?’ I was still in shock about my Mums death, very shocked and sad. “No, he said,”Well do it now”. This truly was HELL. there I was, tears streaming down my face, and they were all laughing and joking as if I didnt exist!After a while, Robert took me into a back room, and left me there, like a pariah.No one came near me for half an hour. Finally Rob came in,”can I get you anything?” he said. “A hug would be nice!’ I said. he stood there like a ram rod and let me hug him, then kind of peeled me off, and said”I hope your not going to behave in this ridiculous way at the funeral!” Like what?” I said,”Crying, and making a fool of yourself!” It was beyond belief.I wasnt even allowed to cry for my own Mum. Id travelled all the way from Sydney, Australia. His wife, a hard faced B–tch took me the next day to see Mums body at the funeral parlour. All the way home in the car, she regaled me with stories of how my Dad tried to kick Mum, and she had to dodge his feet. {He had dementia by then}. “I really dont want to hear this!” I said. When I got back to Sydney, I wrote to Rob, saying how hurt Id been at his treatment of me. I havent heard from him from that day to this, since Dec. 1992. My other brother took his part, slagging me off for my “daft” letter.so, thats my charming family! Thank god for david, my new Iranian adult “kids”, and my few good friends, and not forgetting all you great and inspiring people on LF! Maia.XX {geminigirl}
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blueskies says:
Oh Mia – This is the kind of treatment I get from my lot:( It always seems to be when there is a low point and when most would hope to be enveloped in the loving bosom of their family that they circle and ‘go in for the kill’. I am working on ways to emotionally detach from them, its not easy, but I will never be hurt again by their abuse or lack of love, no longer expect or want anything from them. I really feel for you.I am so glad you have a wonderful David and your wonderful new adult kids:)xxx
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blueskies says:
Kathleen and Chic (I dont like the ‘shabby’ part, IMHO it doesnt fit you and what I’ve seen of your wonderful spirit in your writing here!x;) your last few posts:- more ace, powerful, super- useful stuff
x
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Kathleen Hawk says:
geminigirl,
Has it ever occurred to you that there’s distribution of labor in your family, and you get to carry the feelings?
So you look “daft” to them, because they deny their feelings. And they seem like mean-spirited or robot-cold people to you, because they refuse to relate to you on a feeling level and act superior because you have feelings at all. You getting your feelings hurt is just part of this dance.
I figured this out with my ex-S, some time after the relationship ended. That I was his emotional mule. I did all the feeling for both of us. Including the tears he couldn’t shed.
If this sounds right to you, here’s what you do. You just stop playing. Have your feelings. Recognize they’re emotional cripples. Say whatever you want to say them, but if it includes feelings, figure they’re going to react defensively and try to make you look wrong. If you want, point out the fact that it’s their problem that they don’t have normal human feelings. (But if you do, figure they’re going to argue with you, and tell you that you’re emotionally out of control.) But otherwise, just ignore anything they have to say on the topic. Because they’re going to do anything they have to do to keep you in the position of carrying the family feelings, so they can continue to avoid feeling that pain.
And perhaps, it might be a good idea for you to think about what this distribution of labor has done to you. While everyone else’s is clanking around with their stiff upper lips, with emotional spectrums basically limited to feeling superior, feeling angry, laughing at other people, feeling aggrieved, taking care of themselves, you’re the one who’s feeling the rest of it — the empathy, the sorrow, the feelings of helplessness, the concern and wish to help. And you’re feeling it alone in this family, and trying to hold up the “right” of it, while everyone else denies these feelings exist. Labeling you in ways that reinforce the whole dichotomy, and that give you little opportunity to exercise their side of the spectrum.
Do you understand how it can magnify these feelings in you, and discourage you from being more assertive and able to take care of yourself?
That’s how triangulaton works. People can make themselves feel better, or more bonded, by pointing fingers at a third-party and calling the third-party wrong. It’s a classic technique in dysfunctional families, and there’s usually a scapegoat child to help them avoid thinking about their own dysfunction.
You can’t change these people, but you can resign from the role. Just like you did with your daughters. And go ahead and develop the other side of you, the part that can feel anger clearly, that can laugh at the ridiculous behavior around you, and can take care of yourself.
A balanced personality can move easily from the empathetic to the self-interested on a second-by-second basis. Our first responsibility is to ourselves, as is everyone. You want to take care of things at that self-interested level, so you have the extra resources to spare for the risks and investments required to enjoy the good feelings that go with being empathetic. But keep your priorities in order.
It sounds like this family has trained you to be soft and giving without thinking of yourself. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. It is the only way you can ultimately be generous. (Unless you intend to bleed out all your resources as a “good” person, in hopes that some other good person who has some resources left will eventually show up and rescue you. A recipe for attracting new sociopaths into your life.)
So back to the family. You can stop participating in all this. Recognize that the family game is to make you the emotional one, and them right. Recognize that they don’t have to feel anything as long as they can make you do the emotional work. And just cut them off, until or unless they start being able to communicate on a feeling level. And meanwhile, take care of yourself.
You’ve taken a huge step in the last month. It’s a first step in creating the life you want. It shows you what you can do in terms of protecting and taking care of yourself. But it won’t be the last one. These experiences that feel sociopathic are messages from your survival system that you have more business that you need to take care of. You deserve to be happy and to have people around you that appreciate you for who you are AND behave fairly, honorably and responsibly.
Namaste and love –
Kathy
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lostingrief says:
betty,
your post just made me cry and cry. how i would love to look in the mirror and not feel something other than disgust at what i have become in these past few years. aged 10 years, gained 50 lbs (or more), hair dried out, saggy skin, emotionless eyes. i don’t recognize myself.
but you’re right. and i’m going to try harder to find at very least my inner beauty. the outer beauty seems to be gone for good — it left with the spath-hole who told me that ‘you see, even though i always told you that you were beautiful … i never meant it!’
i’m not sure why, after a whole year of NC, he still holds my opinion of myself in his hands. i just can’t get past it … yet.
but you definitely inspired me to try, try, try again.
thanks.
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Betty says:
Dear lostingrief; plus Kathy, I have a question,
I’ve cried bucketfuls of grief tears and healing tears, too. It’s necessary, but exhausting. Hope you will welcome this big (((e-hug))) coming right at you! I’m very pleased that anything I’ve said is helpful for you.
I know it’s difficult when someone you love says stuff like that to you, because my X did to me as well. I’ve been reminding myself that “he no longer gets rent free space in my head,” as someone wise on this site said. I’ll admit I still have to kick him out, sometimes frequently, but each time it gets a little easier.
Once, when I was feeling particularly unattractive (“fat and ugly”), I saw a group picture of the inhabitants of the northern Italian village where my family came from…and guess what? They were all of them short and round, too! Several of them had green eyes, and the same shade of brown hair as I do. Some were laughing, some of them almost flirting with the camera, some of them holding children, but they all looked engaged in life, and happy!
So what to do? Curse the media that says a woman only counts if she’s under 30 and built like a stick insect? Curse my former husband, and hope his present wife gains weight ’till she out classes the Hindenburg? OK, that was fun! But seriously: I saw I whole group of people who looked just like me — and they looked genuinely happy! So, what AM I gonna do about it?
I love Kathy’s notion of no judgments, here I am, just as I am. That is so helpful! And that inner beauty — that’s yours, Baby! You earned it. Me, too.
I want to ask Kathy, What makes it so hard for a loving person who values others to love him or herself, and why is it so easy to take care of others but not ourselves? It’s like I hit an inner roadblock when I’ve started doing that, so the going is strangely tough — when if I was doing these things for someone else, it’d be a piece of piffle. Old (powerful) habits?
For now, I think what’s next is some gardening, not of plants in this instance, but of us. We’re here, so we’re doing some healing work — that’s already good for the insides. Dried hair: my mom swore by mayonnaise as a treatment before shampooing. Baggy eyes: moist teabags over your lids and a listen to your favorite music. Dry skin: facial moisturizer, drink water, and get some vitamins. We all get older, unless we die, so that’s non-negotiable (Rats!) — but considering the choices, getting older is not looking so bad. Weight loss: nobody can loose 50 lbs at once (though I lost 195 lbs when I got divorced), BUT most of us can loose one pound a week. My personal favorite is walking, but what matters is finding something you enjoy doing.
These small kindnesses of taking care of ourselves — they seem so easy when you already feel great about yourself, when you have someone showering you with compliments — but they’re much more of an effort when your sad and hurting, and even more necessary. The gardening part is about nourishment and care, patience and time (and time takes time), but it’s worth it when you start to bloom again. Love, care, and time — that’s good method — add in resiliency, and you know it’s gonna happen!
I’m so glad we have each other here at LoveFraud — I’d never have made it through this far without this place and you guys.
All the best!
Betty
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geminigirl says:
Dearest Kathy, Thank you, thank you! You have so much wisdom, Id never have thought of this “take” on my birth family, ie, they cant handle emotions, so like the scapegoat in the bible,they dump all the nasty, messy feelings that they cant handle on to me, and drive me into the wilderness, just like the israelites did with that poor goat!
Much great food for thought here. Im so thankful for your support, wisdom and kindness to me. Its not an easy time, going NC with my older daughter,{until and unless she respects my boundaries, which Ive spelled out to her.] As you said, if the girls come around, it will be gravy, {or the icing on the cake!!} This gets easier with every week that passes. I dont really miss her,-whats to miss? I know I have to survive and take care of myself first, build a great life with my darling husband, and with my new “adult kids”, Roya and Abbas, who are so loving and appreciative. My work at the respite care centre, where I am truly loved and appreciated. I dont owe my birth family or my daughters anything more. they have bled me dry for over 30 years.Thank you, and thanks to ALl you wonderful guys,! together,we can do anything!!! Love ,thanks,and Hugs, Maia.XX{geminigirl}Thanks also to blueskies, you are the best!!
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libelle says:
Dear LIG, dear all. This site is so inspiring and helpful!
I would like to make a comment on weight. It was a “big” problem for me all my life, and in the end I found out it was protection made by my subconscious mind to protect and nourrish the inner child, and first of all to scare off men (my biggest danger). It is not necessary any more, as I can find other means of getting “soul food” and protect myself.
I started setting HEALTHY BOUNDARIES for myself by looking at myself and my body as being a home where my soul should feel comfortable living within. Then I discovered that I like my apartment be with high quality furniture an not filled with trash. I started to read labels, and stopped eating fast food, “hardened vegetable fat”, processed stuff with lots of E-Numbers, and in the end I spent less money on food as I shopped more prudent.
We have a “frust protection corner” in our office, very dangerous! I discovered that there are better ways of “frust protection” than eating and placating the bewildered inner child.
I started an Internet program counting calories. My program back here costs 120 $ a year, I found one for free.
http://caloriecount.about.com/
It is important that there is nothing forbidden, you just count calories, input/output, and exercising (output increased!) can make that you are able to eat more. In fact I just started exercising (gardening!, cleaning!) with this program. It is important to stop when you reach the calories amount you are supposed to eat daily, and so to SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES for yourself.
It works, and I am very glad I can have also my detours; when I go overboard caloriewise I can always find my way back to the healthy road. I know I am not healed from this addiction and I stick to the program quite faithfully. (Talk here about another pattern, aren’t we?)
I wish you all a relaxing weekend!
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Betty says:
Dear libelle,
That is incredibly helpful!
Can’t wait to check it out!
Thank you so much!
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Kathleen Hawk says:
Happy Emotional Independence Day! The new article is posted.
And apologies for not being responsive to you excellent posts. I was trying to get this one finished. I think it’s related to exactly what you’ve been talking about.
Kathy
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OxDrover says:
Dear BETTY!!!!
What a great post!!!! You are so right. It is all about how we look at things, not what the things “are.” My grandmother looked like an “apple doll” (the faces are carved in a peeled apple which is allowed to dry and wrinkle and turn brown) and I thought she was BEAUTIFUL, now that I am starting to look like her when I look in the mirror, I don’t see THAT face as so “beautiful” any more when it is on the front of MY skull! LOL
A friend of mine used to say “Pick your lovers by their personality not looks, IN THE END WE ALL LOOK LIKE YODA ANYWAY!” LOL
Loving ourselves how we ARE is IMPORTANT TO US, but also if we find something that we need or want to “change” (like weight or other things that might not be healthy) we need to do like Libelle says adn “set healthy boundaries” for ourselves!
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Betty says:
Dear Oxy,
You’ve had your usual effect on me, and I’m doing the Happy Dance!
BIGhugs,
Betty
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Vision says:
Hi again,
Amen to the above article on self love……
I did comment in a previous post in #11, I am returning for a few thoughts….I had been with someone for 6 months and had been reading here at Lovefraud…..and was able to help myself to see that I was involved in a bad relationship with a SP…..
I had not at the time totally cut it off…..He owes my $ and I see now that my choice has to be to forget the $…..
I am working on loving myself……I have to now give myself time to heal but also to love me…..I see that I had to stop believing in a lie….Not only in the liar, but the lie I told myself….that the person really wasn’t this way……that he really was good…..
I had to actually list and review all that had past, and I even tested it again, to actually feel and see that it was a lie…..Silly isn’t it??
I spent a few days sick to my stomach, then came some tears for me, not over him, but how I thought he was a good person, my pain…..then I forgave myself……I did spend a short time curled in a ball in bed and let myself feel the pain that I had ignored……
Each time he lied…..each time he let me down……I ignored it. Why I did this came to me when I stopped the madness….I wanted to believe in him and my choice…..For the first 2 months he didn’t do much wrong…..at least what I remember….and then came the unleashing of the predator….
I must have missed some things in the very beginning but soon after I started to sense something wrong, and then came the real red flags….I was in disbelief……good thing I kept reading here on this site…
I once read an article on loss……and there are 5 steps always in a loss……in any kind of a loss whether it is your expensive sunglasses or a loved one……
1. Shock…..Disbelieving……
2. Denial
3. Grief…..anger…..
4. Acceptance
5. Moving on
I am not an expert but from what I read, these steps will overlap and as we pass through each one we go back and forth a bit….but getting stuck in any stage is not a good thing…..
I believe healing would be under the acceptance step…..and moving on…..
I am still in between grief and acceptance to be totally honest.
Its like you see the monster but sit there saying, ” Well, wow, can it really be? Is this really so?”…..and maybe I kept on believing so I wouldn’t have to face the fact that I would have to suffer a loss, and be alone, and go through the pain of it all or even fear…
….a little crazy but perhaps true…..like the person who doesnt’ want to get that check with the doc being afraid of the diagnosis and what it will mean….fear of what it will mean…..
I am working on getting fully into acceptance of the “empty” part of my life….Empty without the facade of his “concern” which I believed……. I was believing a lie so therefore, my life was empty with him from the beginning…..The emptiness was there but now, I see it……it was always there…..
That doesn’t make me feel less sorrowful….I still feel a sense of loss……
So when examining my self love, I feel that:
If I love myself, I will not allow people to mistreat me….
If I love myself, I will make choices that will be good for me…
If I love myself, I wil give myself time and cherish my body, mind, spirit and soul….
I will forgive myself….
I will be more gentle with my beaten heart….
I will allow myself to hurt and to mourn…..
Facing my fears and loving myself will give me all the more courage to end the relationship for good…..
I haven’t done the NC as yet….He calls and I just listen a bit…..I haven’t answered his calls as before…..He only wants to talk about his problems…..So I only hear him saying, Blah,Blah I, Blah, Blah, I Blah, I ” and each time, I feel him becoming smaller and smaller…..just a small person…..
We agreed not to see each other anyhow….He only wants to be a friend….I told him that I can’t be his friend really….he begged me to stay a friend…..that he didn’t have many…..I didn’t care but just stopped answering for a while….I know NC is good for most situations andt this is fizzling out and I didn’t want any drama….
With the pattern of the last 6 months so habituated with me, I am trying to start a new and fresh way for me to go…..I have formulated a schedule for my free time…..always busy with new and good things to do…..and that includes gym workouts which make my feel wonderful……and new places of interest on weekends……helping out others……etc…..It does take a positive work to get out of this horrible and lonely trap I was in and it is hard for me since I am a person who can easily go into a semi- self destruct……drinking, cigarettes, and wallowing…..nothing harder but that is bad enough……Why do certain people when bad things happen to them want to go and destroy or hurt themselves?
Because they don’t love themselves enough? That is why I loved this article above on self love……
Thanks for listening….again!
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Kathleen Hawk says:
Vision, thanks for this wonderful post. It’s encouraging that you’ve been able to cry over this. Mourning means that you’re accepting the reality, even if you don’t want to. None of us wants to accept this reality.
I don’t know if you’ve been reading this whole series. But it’s actually an extension on the Kubler-Ross grief model, which is the five steps you mentioned. I think that grief is the turning point in our healing, when we stop thinking about them, and start thinking about us and what we can get out of this experience.
And I agree with you that we often do a lot of pieces simultaneously. I suspect that we’re working on different things. Like part of what we’re working on is about the S, and whether he’s really like that (because it has larger implications about the world we live in). And part of it is about our relationship with ourselves. And there are lots of layers and events to process, which are more or less challenging, but it keeps us busy for a while.
One of the reasons that this series is longer than five articles for the five steps is because I think this recovery process is both more challenging for us than a simple loss, and also provides us with an amazing opportunity to grow and change our lives. So that’s what this series is about — taking the trauma and loss and literally turning it inside out to be a gift.
Given where you are, you might check out the next article on emotional freedom. It might help you feel better about what you’re doing, and give you some internal ammunition to cut him off.
BTW, I love your name.
Kathy
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Vision says:
Thank you Kathy, for the kind words of encouragement…
I will read the whole series as you suggest and the next article as well….I have read much here since this year, January…..I started with a few articles and then the comments….
It is so good to be able to talk and get such love and support…from those who have gone through this and can extend their hands…
Means never being alone through the healing…..We have a safe place to come and talk and grieve and laugh and love…..Thank God for that!!
Kathy, I liked the analogy of purgatory…..sort of a middle hell…..and I know exactly what you meant about the living the fake life waiting for the real one….I felt like I was in “limbo”…sort of held up, and nothing can be done until another action happens. Actually, Limbo and purgatory are quite the same…..good one!!
Thanks about my name…A vision is a stronger then just a dream…its about seeing and not just imagining…..makes me feel strength…
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one_step_at_a_time says:
To the spath and the boy you weren’t:
Every day I feel how you have inflicted yourself on my life, on me. You have a say in how I remember most things that are important to me.
My friend showed me the heart shaped rocks as she collected them on the beach yesterday. She was happy and proud and a bit entranced with her finds. I smiled and nodded, knowing that heart shaped rocks are one of the things I have locked in the corner of my mind, with a big sign on that door reads, ‘things one step feels are of her, that are now tied up with anger and fear, labeled ‘spath and the boy’.
Today, needing a mini break from my work of looking for work, I turned up the music to dance – and I stopped. You inflicted yourself on this part of me, also. I continued to dance. You don’t get to leave me with this horror show of having sliced off bits of my own limbs to break from the allusion of the boy created by your delusional self.
The anger that rises throws me way off balance. The desire to scream profanities rises with it. The way the anger affects me is so strong that it feels like I am living with you still here…like it is the enchantment/ illusion, or a portal to it. This confuses me mightily. But I see it now, and I can come to understand. And if I don’t swear and I don’t follow the anger – what comes. Breathing, crying. I have so many things to reclaim. Will I go through this with every one of them? How many times with each?
I want to yell MINE. And YOU DON’T GET TO HOLD ME. The scream of the inflicted/ afflicted, finding her power. Knowing that it is in peace. Knowing that I would like to punch you in the face.You stole so much. Sometimes it feels like I have to steal it back. This saying – ‘when two thieves quarrel, what was stolen appears.’ Speaks to me and I am not sure why yet. I know that power is in peace. And I want to smack you.
I feel very vulnerable writing this post. It sorrows me that I feel the need to write disclaimers here, but I do. If you are uncomfortable with/ do not understand my process or the way I express myself, please do not comment on this post. If you feel you understand it, see some wisdom in it and can illuminate the dark corners, please do.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
i just about an hour going through the blog of the real boy, whose life and photos were stolen by the spath to support her stroy of the fake boy.
i am doing this for legal reasons – gathering info for a conversation i will soon have with a lawyer who is already involved in a case against the spath, and maybe the AG also.
finding the boy in real life has changed my plans – i have to wait and see how we can/ if we can use this info to add to the pile of shit that we are accumulating about the spath. i am privy to only a small part of it. but the chunk i have of my own is considerable.
going throught the blog – put me in a dreamy place of feeling the ghost of love i had for the fake boy; and also grounds me in reality – that everything the spath said and did was one big fucking lie.
i want to talk to this real boy. the sooner the better. it will be very painful: it will be the breaking of the last illusion. he has a couple of videos of himself on his blog. good to hear and see that he does not sound like the boy i loved.
he struggles with his interior terrain. and it makes my heart hurt – I don’t want to take care of anyone ever again. he reminds me of how much taking care of the fake boy cost me – even before ‘his’ true nature was revealed. and it hurts. i am so burnt out caring for people. i was with my demented mom for 3 years. and had cared for others intensley in the last decade +.
i don’t want to do it anymore. i am tired. i am beat. and how do i love without taking care of? i have removed myself from the giving too much to my family, and that is a start. and i work on my boundaries with myself, here. lf is a good testing ground, don’t ever think it isn’t. it tells me a lot about where I am.
right now – i am mourning things that are not. and am a little awed by what has happened and is yet to come. i wish i had a job and health. it would all be so much easier. i am almost out of money. i don’t know how i will pay my bills and debt load payments this month. and i am not willing to run around like a fretful chicken – but i am down deep, really freaked out.
i’ll have some tea now.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
lordy – this is my own little rant thread.
am having a little melt down. i want to SCREAM AT ALL THE SOCKPUPPETS, ‘YOU DON’T EXIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’
That @#$%&* woman – she’s still out there scamming away – and we are soooo close to busting her ass, but i can’t say anything. doing recon really triggers me sometimes. this is one of those times.
it gets much worse when i am toxic with chemical reaction. i am toxic tongiht – and i am having a hard time with the spath stuff.
no more recon. too much. too hard. the 12#$9op@#$%^&*()PW#$%^&*(@#$%^&*() is still at it, stil lusing the SAME characters – pretending. MY GOD, why am i upset??????
it’s all a lie. wow. this stuff can still hurt me, freak me out, tilt my axis. well, i haven’t gone round the bend in a bit. guess it’s time. sigh.
toxins and toxic peeps. the deadly cocktail.
i will have her *ss someday. and if i don’t then i will walk away anyway and this will end. it will end.
really triggered. and the whole damn thing will end someday. it will. it will. it will.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
and here i am again.
– the fact that she is still active as the ‘people i knew’, WHEN I KNOW WHO SHE IS AND WHO SHE ISN’T IS TOO MUCH OF A MIND F**K. WHOA!!!
melt down.
i am trying to finish something for the job developer tomorrow it is important to stay in the real world. ground in it.
i want to be in the fetal position.
mind @#$@ery
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conomo says:
Hey One Step…I am feeling your pain….get it out…it eventually has to purge…right??? I don’t know your “story” but if you want to spill I will listen….
I just listened to your Lama speak about relationships and defining healthy versus negative exchanges. He makes a lot of sense. Maybe you could get into some of his on line teachings right now?
Great big gentle hug to you.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
conomo – you listened to lama ole?
thank you for just saying this. it grounded me immediately.
i was spathed on the internet and on phone. she pretended to be a boy and his family and friends. he was always sick, then died. then resurected.
i have found out who she is. and what she is in the last 5 months. this week i also found the real boy whose pics she used. i cannot out her – i have to wait till i hear from lawyers.
i found out tonight she is back on twitter as said fake boy – after i had spent an hour gathering ‘evidence’ of fraud by combing the enitre blog of the the real boy – 4 years worth of pcitures….the one coming on the heals of the other has just completely ungrounded me.
seriously ungrounded me. amazing what a mind can and can’t handle. i have written emails to my two best friends and written here – am not at home. but i will see if i have my headphones with me and if i can pick up a stream or even listen to music it will help.
thanx conomo
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conomo says:
One Step…yes ma’am lama ole. Honestly I wasn’t even going to listen at first….his looks kinda disturbed me….bad me judging by appearance!!!
What does this person try to accomplish by being a boy?? I’m not quite following what happened.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
conomo – well, you wouldn’t be the first to not follow this one – it’s pretty twisty.
the spath has been doing this for DECADES. i know others who she has duped. the boy thing – who knows. she has pretended to be famous people online, all of them boys. and she has gotten away with it.
she is great with accents and voice changes. i’ve heard a few of them. i have also read that she uses a voice distorter on the phone. see, she’s a CAREER spath.
she has fake everything and dozens of identities and at least 4 scams rolling at a time, blah blah – she’s a spath.
a very tech savvy spath.
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conomo says:
One Step….does “boy” really mean “man”? Were you friends? Romantically involved? How did she con you? You don’t have to give details or anything. I’m just trying to get a linear grasp on it.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
boy – 29 years old. sexually involved. (can’t use the r word).
can’t do the details. internet community. started as ‘freinds’, then phone and email. pretending to be a half dozen people. 2 who i spoke with on phone. spoke with boy on phone daily for about 2 hours for months.
had surgeies, alwys trying to kill himself, blah blah blah – what it comes down to is hardcore panic and TRUAMA BONDED one step.
she is a piece of evil.
foudn my earphones. these videos of Ole are really old – made in the 90′s. there are some newer ones. was involved in making one. but they are not on the web.
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conomo says:
Me dumb….what is the r word?
Well I hope for your sake and future victims you nail this piece of crap and free you in the process!
Glad you found your earphones. Cool you were in one! I was on tv once singing in our community choir. I found a nice celtic music station on line today. Helped keep me focused on bookwork.
http://www.live365.com/stations/macfive
Maybe you’ll like it.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
r word – romantically.
i did photos for the video shoot, too. they are quite special to me.
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conomo says:
One Step…just a thought…I think you would have a lot to offer a health food store….you seem quite knowledgeable about whole foods, nutritional supplements, environmental issues, etc…..you are in tune with the culture….it could even be part time for barter of products??? you could offer to market various aspects of such a business too….
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one_step_at_a_time says:
conomo – thank you for the idea. there are 3 health food stores here and one of them might be willing – the fellow is quite approachable – his store is however, moldy. But that doens’t stop me from offering some sort of other trade. will take it under advisement. i do spend money on supplements – would not function without them.
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conomo says:
Awesome!! I think it is a fit….make him use his own products on the mold!!!! You can make a spray with peroxide real cheap to start. did you get some oregano oil? The bible says cleanse me with hyssop….can’t remember if I mentioned this one or not, but I learned about it in my studies and have customers who are highly sensitive like you get relief….bentonite clay seems to have lots of applications too..
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geminigirl says:
conomo, had to just say, look how far youve come, darling! i remember when you talked all the time about the spath, now your reaching out to help others! Same with you, one- step!
you used to talk all the time about your ‘sock puppet,’ now you reach out to others all the time! Im so proud of you both!!
Hugs,mamaGem.XXYou may not see progress, but its sure there!!!
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conomo says:
Aw MomaGem—that is so kind of you to say! I can only reach out when it feels like I have something to help. The rest is reaching out in pain–you’re right.
I am normally pretty good at keeping up the front. This last relationship has busted the precarious dam wide open. I hope to rebuild a solid dam with true self love and boundaries now.
Thanks again for not thinking I was a spath when I thought I was at times. One Step brought up another good thread tonight that I’ve read and re-read and will re-read! I do apologize to you and all for those blathering times I’ve posted! Huggles to you to Moma.
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verity says:
I love that there’s so much to be learned from the comments as well as the posts.
Kathy said:
“To stop feeling betrayed, because you recognize that you’re not dealing with people like you. You’re dealing with people that are incapable of being fair or even kind to you. And just like you would shoot a mad bull that was rushing toward you or swat a mosquito that landed on your arm, you are starting to regard them as a problem, rather than some big thing that is wrong with your life that everyone betrays you. This is not everyone. This is these two brutal users, who are grabbing what you have for only one reason. Because it’s easy. Because they’ve conditioned you to accept it, and they think they can get away with it.”
Love that! Yes, the feeling of being betrayed is what got me into the bad place, because it was childhood again. But I was trying to make somebody who is INCAPABLE of thinking about anyone other than himself take some responsibility. That was such an alien concept to him he seemed to be about ready to disappear into a puff of green smoke at the mere suggestion. They just don’t have it in them to do anything other than betray because it has to be about what they want, whoever they are with.
My mistake is to keep imagining he was the same as the rest of us. I need these reminders that he was incapable of anything else: for him the ONLY choice is to control. The other path is something he just couldn’t bear. I get the image of the witch in The Wizard of Oz melting when I think about him trying to behave honourably.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
i was looking for an appropriate thread to post on this am. i went to kathleen’s series on healing, and the title of this one seemed a good bet. reading it, i got more than i bargained for. it’s a really good, multi-dimensional piece about our interiors. bears printing and reading the garden.
i posted about a difficult place in a friendship yesterday. this am, up early and on facebook, an updated staus from my freind ‘s’ shows up. she’s joined a group ‘i’m not mad at you: i just realize you are no longer worthy of my freindship.’
punch received.
i guess that’s her response to my email invite to talk in person.
i didn’t think about how she would react – didn’t think i had to be protective of myself. didn’t in a million years expect some of what has come my way in the last day….except…
…you know that thing about people telling you who they are? her fave thing, as a manager, was to say,’ there’s no i in team, but there is in bitch.’ i also know how she deals with conflict with her family. so, i really shouldn’t be surprised. but i was/ am.
i guess she had a lot of pent up feelings she wasn’t talking about, for some of what has come my way to come my way.
so, i did what i have learned to do here. i posted a really nice pic, said what a beautiful day it is, and commented on other’s statuses. and ignored her status.
our closest friend came online and posted some things about his cats and i replied and we had a little chat about the garden. neither of us mentioned ‘s’s status. that’s good. no need to triangulate. this is going to be a bit like a divorce. we have a small and connecting group of friends. it’s going to be awkward. it just firms up my resolve to meet others and widen my 3d circle.
i am still a bit in shock. ‘s’ used to act shocked at the things the n ex did. now she has done somethings very similar – out of hurt or anger or whatever. but i am not going to engage further with this fire. she can flame and burn on her own.
for now, that is all i can do, all i want to do.
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silvermoon says:
One.
The three D world is where what is real happens.
I’d let go of the facebook antics and do just as you have, keep life simple and light, connected about other things.
The group thing- its weird. Sounds to me like you friend is in weird place. Well, that’s her problem.
Doesn’t sound to me like you have the strength to hold up that relationship and it sounds like you were doing the heavy lifting before. Its hard to understand without detail, but I’d let her ride off in her snit and go on with her life while I went on with mine.
Bottom line, she isn’t THERE for you. The doc would say, apply time, take gardening remedy as needed and know it isn’t always your problem.
All you can do is hold your head up, be you and be in the moment now.
Change is constant. Nature abhors a void. Nothing exists without its opposite except what is universally loving and true.
There are threads to follow into your new life free from all the dark soul sucking dementors.
And those threads are like fiber optic strands- they always carry light.
If it is dark, let go. If it is light follow.
Guess thats as far as I can go with that thought.
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kim frederick says:
Silver and One-step, a song for the three of us:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....re=related
Love it.
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silvermoon says:
K-beautiful, moving.
Lump in throat.
Yes.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
kim and silver – from Alive in the world:
‘…to the prisoner(s) in side of me, to the captive of my doubt…’
this quite caught me.
xo one step
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silvermoon says:
As a result of the poignant experience which brought us here, I believe we do exactly feel the angsts and losses which inspire great art
Somedays it seems every love song and song of longing and song of anger and song of grieving is MY song.
And somedays only anthems like John Phillips Sousa really connect.
I do not know what music soothes the soul but I would like to hear it and find the undisturbed place above this plane.
Pulling back the throttle and heading up above the storms there must be a way it all comes together.
I was reading Dancing Warriors post about not being ready and I think we all were and we all were not but that is the way of tings. There is never time to get into position to filed what comes up. You have to be able to do it in media res- in the middle of the action. Movement counts. Fluid motion.
A way of aikido comes to mind. Using the other man’s energy to defeat him as he comes to attack. Knowing our own ball of power and how to use the least of ours to be centered and ever ready and the most of another’s agression to lie them down in defeat.
I hear this song and it becomes a new anthem.
Somewhere between this and running on empty….
there is no win or lose here, there is only the movement toward integration of the person in 3d and the noise in the head. the greattest internal work is to still the noise and observe the peace of living in one’s own body and then ones own house and then the world.
I spend today in my body such as Ox Drover described, in my house doing what must be done and sharing the in between moments with friends who because they understand by virtue of experience and bonds of love are there for me.
These things are good. And when the work of tomorrow comes, I will be organized and prepared. There is much work. I hope it will be well enough done to succeed on the path to healing a day further.
In silence. In knowing. By no contact. Seperated by what is real from what I loved and yet integrated to it by the fact that what I loved was a reflection on me.
Somehow, I muse, that is a gift. As is the time which calls for me to do the work I must do here and now. And tomorrow. And for which purpose, I am surrounded by friends.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
silver – i love your advice on this one – soothing balm.
i have been in the garden for the last 4 hours. not i need to apply the anti inflammatory and hot soak remedy…you what they say about the cure being as bad as the ailment.
but it’s not. the garden is the exact opposite of ‘s’. i was really surprised that she would do such a juvenile thing, she’s not a kid, and i haven’t seen her do anything like this before.
and i want to do exactly as you advised. walk on. i have much more to do with my time and life than be concerned over her behavior. i know she is reactive, fine – but i have had enough horseshit for one lifetime. maybe two. she is a very ‘social’ person, and we have (there are three of us) helped each other through some pretty difficult hospitalizations,etc. in the last few years. but, she is not so deep, is very controlling (she just doesn’t usually try to pull it on me), and not big into having feelings. i think the weather in my life was too rough for her.
and as i am seeing she is being that sneaky aggressive – someone here had a great term for passive aggressive, and i would love to be reminded of what it was.
there are many things she has done to others that i haven’t been comfortable with. we have known each other 6 years, and they have been slowly mounting. she is also lots of good and fun things. but i have seen her denigrate other’s for going through hard times, and i always shake my head. it’s not that she hasn’t, ‘;cause she has – she has had some serious health problems – and in the last 6 years i have been at her bedside each time. she’s just a different creature than me – made differently on the inside. she doesn’t care that much for community, isn’t particularly generous, or like to share, doesn’t like people that much actually. as i am writing i recognize she’s pretty angry in general, but she stays so shallow it comes out mostly as controlling behavior and sarcasm. lots of sarcasm.
the three of us were a good little team at times. i recognize in the last day that she is never going to be ‘community’. probably not the other one either – i have to find those folks who want to make a community happen. i don’t have enough years left to live for these folks to get to it – if they ever would. i have just been blind. eye coverings coming off, opeing my eyes.
i will focus on continuing my life – and just let it go. and when i obsess about it, which i am, i will just keep on letting go of the story.
xo one step
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one_step_at_a_time says:
‘Knowing our own ball of power and how to use the least of ours to be centered and ever ready and the most of another’s agression to lie them down in defeat.’
i could never do a summersault as a kid. freaked me out. i learned to tumble in aikido in my late 20′s. i only took one season, but it was so incredible to tumble – natural, fluid…a good image for dealing with ‘s’. tumbling on past, with my own happy face. just don’t engage.
it’s not a big loss silver – she has been so gone for months and months. i would rather her gone, than my mooning over feeling abandoned.
it will only be difficult re other friends. there it might get quite tricky. – the three of us, the core have spent all holidays and b days, etc. together for years.
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silvermoon says:
Well, do you think others mistake what you see for something else?
I wonder how tricky is it? Perhaps others will be releieved to hear that you see that it is a sad story, but one which you choose not to linger in the telling of.
Here in the South, we use a code language for that kind of thing, We give a compliment to the perpetrator prefaced by the expression of “Bless her poor little soul or heart..” Its the key phrase to tell the person you are speaking to that what you mean is you are about to tell the reason you’d wring the perpetrator’s necks if you could get a hand on it.
Everybody understands it.
If you are going to moon anything, let it be with full raucous, righteous indignation and at a very busy intersection……
The other kind you have as you said, already given over too many hours, days weeks,months and years to…..
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Silver said: ‘If you are going to moon anything, let it be with full raucous, righteous indignation and at a very busy intersection……’
that would be wobbly white moon over door frame! snort.
not quite sure what you mean by this:’ Well, do you think others mistake what you see for something else’
i know that the other leg of the tripod was quite distressed that we might separate. i don’t care that much beyond him, actually (‘cept for a new friend of hers and a new friend of mine and other tri-pod made a very nice five-some for dinner and games. but that’s okay, too.) tricky is not how i speak of it, but that these are pretty much ALL the people in my social circle. but the summer is here and there is the garden community, and ‘god willing and the water don’t rise’ i will be employed and make some new contacts that way, too.
bloody hell, i am stiff and sore!
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silvermoon says:
I envy your garden. I want one. That requires deciding where I will be and choosing some difficult circumstances either way.
My bet- of you saw shallow, so did everybody else. If you saw that she denigrated people with hard times so did everybody else.
So, bless her pointed little head for some reason others having difficulty or being in distress seems something she has little ability to cope with, poor little thing, when I sat at her bedside during her illness she was so frail and so glad to have had the company. I;m glad I could help her then, I just can’t think of what I can do now. Bless her little heart…..
Bloody hell! Its good for you. Do it again tomorrow! Drink lots of water and scooch up the vitamin c for the keytones in your muscles.
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