Lovefraud Blog » Blog Archive » After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 12

After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 12 – Reclaiming Self-Love

Sunday, 28 June 2009 @ 1:21pm • My Weblog

Love is huge topic that spans every other issue that we have discussed so far, and ones we have not touched yet. But for our purposes – to talk about our next steps in healing from traumatic relationships – we have to narrow it down.

This article will discuss the most basic and important element of love — how we love ourselves. We will look at how we our relationships with ourselves are changing. And how that is affecting what other people mean to us

What we think of ourselves

Years ago, when I was involved with a New Age bookstore, I ran into lots of programs that taught positive affirmations. That is, repeating phrases about how lovable we are, how successful we are, how loved we are by the universe, as a form of self-hypnosis. The idea was that we would eventually believe it. And believing it would change our lives.

Unfortunately, many of us only succeeded in making ourselves feel guilty about not believing it. So, as the next best thing, we tried to pretend that we really believed it. And we basically became like those silly pseudo-Buddhists of the earlier hippie days whose languid pronouncements of “it’s all cool, man” was a paper-thin veneer on their angry or fearful rejection of everything that made them the tiniest bit uncomfortable.

For me, the concept of “loving yourself” had a psychobabble flavor. Another fad for people who were looking for short-cuts to higher consciousness. Or maybe this concept was too large, too grand for me.

And why? Because there was too much not to love about myself. Occasionally, somewhere between a second and third glass of wine, I was comfortable with myself. But in the sober light of day, evaluating both the interior of my mind and the evidence of my life, I could write long lists of where I fell short. I didn’t even know what loving myself would feel like But as a start, it would help if I weren’t so anxious all the time. If the anxiety didn’t make me so disorganized. If I could actually plan something and follow without getting distracted with worrying about whether I was going to get distracted and follow through. Sigh.

So you can imagine how I reacted when the occasional character showed up who 1) told me how wonderful I was, 2) told me how he knew how to sort out my messes, 3) talked about his vision of a better life (that he already knew how to do), and 4) raved about his luck at finding someone (me) who fit so perfectly into his perfect plans for this perfect life. I’d think that maybe I was wrong about being such a mess. Maybe the people I’d met before hadn’t been perceptive enough to see this wonderfulness in me. Maybe I wasn’t perceptive enough either, and he was so much smarter. Maybe God had finally decided to send me the long-deferred trophy for trying hard.

And then, because I wasn’t impressed with myself or my life, I would start throwing things away. He didn’t like the way I dressed? No problem. He didn’t like the way I worked? No problem. He thought I should worry more about him than myself? No problem. And then finally, when I realized that nothing I could ever do would be enough, and that the whole relationship was new evidence of my failure to choose well, I would leave behind whatever I had with him, and re-enter the increasingly familiar grind of starting over.

Depressing, isn’t it? A particularly dark view of my history of serial monogamy, and one that explains my periodic descents into depression as I struggled to forgive myself for yet another disaster. But there is a nugget of illuminating truth here that I didn’t grasp until my last relationship with the sociopath.

Here it is. I didn’t believe that my life was my “real” life. Or that I was who I “really” was. Who I was and the way I lived were just interim conditions, until I got to the real thing. The life where I accomplished what I was really capable of. The “me” that was always emotionally balanced, lucid, focused, able to handle all of life’s details. All this imaginary stuff was the waiting reality. And in the meantime, I was living in a kind of purgatory. (For those of you who weren’t brought up Catholic, that is a temporary hell where we burn off minor sins before finally being allowed into heaven.).

in healing, I realized that the sociopath and I had this thing in common. He was never living the life he deserved. All this relentless focus of his was about his drive to put the puzzle pieces together – fame, wealth, universal admiration, all the “merit badges” of his travel and his expensive hobbies to present a smooth and plausible front – so he could airdrop into the “real” life that was waiting for him. The humiliations he had to endure now – including stooping to deal with my unsatisfactory self – were just necessary evils to be discarded and forgotten, except for an amusing story or two of his life on the street, once the lost prince found his way back to the palace.

I used to find his pretensions and ambitions childish. Until I realized that we were alike in this. I wasn’t trying to work my way back to the throne room. But otherwise we were the same. I looked down at who I was and what I did. I was prepared to give up almost anything to become who I was supposed to be. With the sociopath, that turned out to include my business, my family, my friends, my homes, my money, my mental health.

In fact the reason I got involved with him at all, as well as my other significant relationships, is that I saw them as chances to transform my life. To make it something else entirely. The good news is that I’ve lived an interesting life. The bad news is that, though all of this, I never was able to finish anything, hold onto anything. I had lots of funny-tragic stories. That was my life equity. Otherwise, I was the poster child for unfulfilled potential.

Which — surprise! — accurately reflected what I thought of myself.

Getting real

Taped on the wall next to my bathroom mirror is a page from the 2005 Zen daily calendar. The quote on it from Chogyam Trungpa reads, “No one can turn you completely upside down and inside out. You must accept yourself as you are, instead of you as would like to be, which means giving up self-deception and wishful thinking.”

The paper is yellowed and wavy from shower fog, marked with stains from flying drops of coffee, makeup and toothpaste. I took it down today to copy it for this article and then put it back where it was. It might look a little trashy to a visitor, but to me it’s a jewel placed in the perfect setting, right next to where I look at myself in the mirror every day of my life.

That little quote commemorates my belated recognition. This is me. This is my life.

I don’t have to value it all highly. I can look at any part of it and decide that it’s not useful anymore, or that I love it dearly. But everything that I own, everything I have accomplished (and that’s a lot, even though it wasn’t exactly what I hoped), all my experience, the relationships and memories, the responsibilities, the plans, all the things I think about, is me and my life. What is real right now is what is real.

It wasn’t just about what was objectively real, but it was also about how I saw it. The mental lenses which caused me to see things in a particular way. Like the lens that is fearful about throwing things away, in case all the stores are closed or I run out of money or I need that thing to trade with terrorists for my life. Or the lens that remembers when I was wrong about people, and never gets quite enough information to feel safe. These are me too. If I think I’m stupid or disorganized or have bad judgment, these thoughts are me too. All of these things are who I am.

There are a lot of pivotal moments in our healing, but for me, this idea shifted the ground under my feet. I had spent my entire life rejecting the very reality I lived with, as well as living with the self-questioning insecurity of feeling like an unfinished, inadequate person. This insight told me that I was finished, as far as I went. I didn’t need to be perfect to be real. What I was and what I had done had meaning. I was here, alive, having lived through so much, having struggled so hard to find my way. And the big trophy didn’t need to be coming from anywhere outside myself. I was the trophy. This life, imperfect as it was, was the trophy.

There wasn’t a speck of unrealistic thinking in this. It wasn’t grandiose. It didn’t change the fact that I was still in the middle of healing. My life was messy, and I was still trying to figure out how to be the person I wanted to be. But the big change was that it did not diminish me. I wasn’t beating myself up. I could stop being vulnerable to other people beating me up, because I secretly agreed with them. It opened a new view of my life. Instead of an arid moonscape of failure-craters, it was a rich green story of learning and survival. Some of my worst chapters – the big tragedies and huge failures – began to look different when I thought about how they brought me to here and now. It began to look okay.

Who do we love?

I can see by the word count of this article that we will need at least one more before we talk about loving other people. Something about what taking care of our well-loved selves really means. We need to get clear about that before we even think about another intimate relationship. But maybe we can conclude this one by talking a little bit about what we love in ourselves. And how that relates to unresolved trauma.

One of the most difficult and painful experiences that I can imagine is what happened to Jewish people in Europe during World War II. Survivors of the Holocaust lost family members and endured inhuman treatment in concentration camps. The challenges these people faced individually and as a community to heal, extract some positive meaning from these experiences and to move forward toward confident and creative lives are beyond anything I can imagine.

Just knowing about this – as well as the challenges of other people who face long-term cruelty and desperate living conditions — has sometimes helped me keep my personal challenges in perspective. As well as helping me understand things I might not otherwise understand about international politics, as well as the emotional states and concerns of people I meet. Sometimes there is not enough time in a lifetime, or even several generations, to work through complete healing.

And this is something we may have to accept in ourselves. As long as we are still living with the consequences of trauma that has not been fully transformed into learning that that increases our emotional freedom, compassion and conscious power to act, our values are going to be shaped by the progress we have made, as far as it has gone. And those values are going to have an impact on how we see ourselves and others. That is especially true if we still perceive ourselves as victims.

We may see other people around us who seem happier, more peaceful, able to do things that are beyond us right now, and we may be tempted to be envious or bitter about our lot or afraid that we are less than them. But this is not the truth. The truth is that we’re midstream in a great learning process. And wherever we are speaks of personal triumph to survive and learn more how to navigate this world.

Meanwhile, we are entitled to appreciation and gratitude for the great work of our bodies, minds, emotional systems and spiritual depths that brought us to where we are today. We can feel pride – not grandiosity, but the dignity of self-respect – in what we have accomplished. By the evidence of our lives, we are not nothing. Far from it. Each of us can look in the mirror and see someone of substance and value.

In learning to accept ourselves, we sometimes have to make peace with things about ourselves that are not perfect. And in doing this, we walk a fine line. We don’t want to deny where we fall short of what we’d like to be, things we’re still working on. But we can also see in our shortcomings the recognition of our true potential. Here are some suggestions for doing that.

If we are grieving, it is because of our blessed capacity to embrace life and take risks. If we are confused, it is because we value meaning and order. If we are angry, it is because we have a backbone of will and belief. If we are lonely, it is because we feel our deep connection with the world, but are still seeking where and how. If we feel despair, it is because we have a deep capacity for faith and hope. If we are depressed, we are in the midst of a great transition of belief. We may not see though it all yet. But the more it pains us, the more we know we are in the active process of learning.

All of this honorable. All of this is reason to respect ourselves.

Where self-love leads us

And if we can’t find any other reason to love ourselves, or if we are unsure that we can love ourselves and still be good people, the ultimate reason is that it is better for the world if we do. If we are patient and understanding with ourselves, if we believe in our potential, if we allow ourselves the dignity of self-respect even though we’re not perfect, it alters the most important lens by which we see the world. If we respect ourselves, we acknowledge that living through our growing-up and the dramas of life’s challenges is the universal story of life. It enables us to see that everything and everyone else is living through their own stories, and, for that reason, may deserve respect as well.

For trauma survivors, this is a touchy concept. If we have endured trauma at the hands of people whose life dramas create hurt and loss for other people, respect might sound like a ridiculous idea. Especially when our survival depends on clearly separating our interests from the interests of people who would harm us. However, if I were in the jungle with hungry lions around, I believe I would have better chance of survival if I respected what they are, than writing them off as evil.

Respect is a form of seeing, an even higher level of observation than the trusting of patterns that we discussed in the last article. It is a way of seeing that often provides us with more information than emotional reactions or judgments. Respect is not admiration or involvement. It is recognition that another being exists in his or her own world, facing private challenges, working with personal resources or lack of them. It helps us face reality more squarely, while maintaining the distance that respect implies. That is, observing from behind our own boundaries and seeing other people as separate from us. Respect helps us see larger patterns of life, making us more aware how we might be affected, whether or not we are actively involved.

Some people have a natural understanding of respect. But for others – especially if we grew up in Drama Triangle environments of victims and rescuers — it is something we have to learn. My Buddhist friend, when I begged him to help me warn off my ex’s latest girlfriend, told me an old saying “Nothing is more dangerous than interfering with other people’s dreams.” He was telling me to respect other people’s paths, to detach myself from what is none of my business and can not change.

Respect acknowledges our differences, while bringing us closer to actually understanding. It helps us recognize the emotional foundations of other people’s behavior or the type of energy they spread, without having to judge it any further than whether it is good for us. So that we can make easier and better choices about where we invest our energy. Respecting the different realities of other lives can even refine our feelings, enabling us to react more accurately. Like appreciating a flower growing in a landfill. Or being touched by the fleeting generosity of someone we know is virtually incapable of sharing. To experience love, awe, gratitude in smaller increments, and also disgust, frustration and grief in ways that we feel sharply but keep in perspective.

All of this makes us more solid with ourselves. Able to choose what is best for us, what matches who we are. This is how self-acceptance, self-love and self-respect are connected to personal power. Not accumulating power over other people, but being more aware and focused on how our actions affect our lives and the world around us.

In this work, we are moving farther from the struggles of early healing, deeper into the realm of accepting reality as “what is,” a relatively neutral position, that only works if we feel fully empowered to act on our own behalf. In the next article, to prepare a little more for love, we will talk more about power and emotional freedom.

Namaste. The deeply respectful spirit in me salutes with awe the flowering spirit in you.

Kathy

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written by Kathleen Hawk • Permalink •

James says:

“In learning to accept ourselves, we sometimes have to make peace with things about ourselves that are not perfect.”

Growing up in a dysfunctional environment did something as I grew up into adolescents and then adulthood. The effect is it gave me an image of dysfunctional self. This ideal (ego) was something I really never acknowledge and lived in a kind of wrap self reflection. If I did something wrong and couldn’t explain why I did it, well blame it on the dysfunctional self. If I set my sights on something I wanted to do and couldn’t do it, well blame it on the dysfunctional self. If I didn’t understand love and/or couldn’t relate to other people no problem, blame it on the dysfunctional self. Dysfunctional self was I thought a friend but it turn out to be a prison constructed by my own hand

But after having children I started to understand that there was love in me. I love my children and knew I could after all love someone. I bonded with my ex s/p and there saw my ability to love yet again.

Something changed in me. I knew my dysfunctional self wasn’t who I wanted to be. I knew dysfunctional self wasn’t helping explain anything but instead was only allowing me to lie to myself and deny any possible change in my self. Dysfunctional self would also not be the person I wanted my lover and children to know and love themselves. I saw dysfunctional self as a unlovable person which explain why to me my parent didn’t love me. Dysfunctional self become the true lie I told myself over and over again. So I want dysfunctional self to die.

So whenever I heard dysfunctional self tell me something, I reply by saying

No, I can do better
No, I sorry my parent couldn’t love me but I can love others
No, I know I am not perfect but will try to do the best I could
No, I know they hurt me, but I can forgive and we can try harder together
No, you lie dysfunctional self and I don’t want you to be a part of me and my life anymore
No, dysfunctional self I know I fu*k-up, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love other and myself. I will do better and if I fail again I will just keep trying and still know I have love for others and for me.

Because I knew I could love my children because I had love. I also knew I could love myself and dysfunctional self wasn’t a part of my love for self and others. I created dysfunctional self so the only person who could kill dysfunctional self was me. In fact dysfunctional self was slowly killing me over time. Dysfunctional self is a hard thing to kill but I find it’s voice getting smaller and smaller over time.

When I finally understood how to accept myself completely taking all the bad and all the good in me and still be able to love myself, I knew dysfunctional self was the negative self of nature. Dysfunctional self wasn’t helping me deal with anything, it only allow me to blame others and not learn anything to help me deal with the truth and it was stealing my ability to love others and to love me.

When I knew I had this ability to love others I knew I also had the ability to love my self. I have this saying I tell myself whenever negative dysfunctional self appears.

I am who I am and can love myself just because I am.

Thanks Kate.

“I was the trophy. This life, imperfect as it was, was the trophy.”

I cut and pasted this because I love it so and it so true to heart!

(Report abusive comment)

Sunday, 28 June 2009 @ 6:18pm

Kathleen Hawk says:

Thanks, James. Your post really touched me. I wish I knew what you know when I was still raising my son. I’m going use some of those things you say to encourage your brave and loving self.

I suspect my dysfunctional self is trying to protect me, like I feel like all those critical and hectoring voices in my head are trying to protect me. So I try to love them too, while I gently work on getting them to trust me.

A huge hug to you –

Sunday, 28 June 2009 @ 6:39pm

You are welcome Kathy,

I too thought dysfunctional self was my friend but I now see it as my way not to deal with my inner feeling. I learned that sometimes the only way out of a burning building is through the fire.

Kathy, there are times I really don’t know what would have happen to me if I never had children. They are and will always be my saving grace and a blessing from God!

Big bear ((HUGS)) from Chicago back to you and thanks again for taking time and effort on your learning healing and acceptance articles!! God bless you!!!

Sunday, 28 June 2009 @ 7:00pm

Betty says:

“…but for me, this idea shifted the ground under my feet. I had spent my entire life rejecting the very reality I lived with, as well as living with the self-questioning insecurity of feeling like an unfinished, inadequate person.”

I was always trying to become good enough to deserve love. In my family of origin, my brother is the “perfect child” and I’m the one who nobody excepted much of. Surprise, none of my accomplishments were ever “good enough.” This has caused a lot of deep pain in my life, long before I encountered the n/p, and certainly made me a better target for abuse from my former husband.

That saying about the scales falling from one’s eyes — I’ve just experienced it, and had a very healing cry. My brother still treats me this way, and until recently, I still allowed it. Since I’ve been healing, things between us became more difficult because I’ve been setting healthy boundaries, but I suspect that as I keep working for my own well being, we will reach resolution. I can see my own value now, without waiting for his approval — of course, I’d like to have it, but I’m surprisingly fine without it, too.

My family are emotionally distant: do as they say, and I am (briefly) loved and accepted; disagree, and I am treated with coldness or entirely ignored. I don’t treat myself like that any longer — and what a shock it was to discover that I was being emotionally distant from myself by waiting for others to fulfill my emotional needs and not looking after them myself. The task and privilege of providing myself with acceptance and love, of becoming my own best friend, was always mine. I still frequently feel an almost overwhelming sense of loneliness, but I now choose my own company over abusive treatment. So the deals I had to make in childhood to receive any affection by emotionally slicing off parts of myself so I fit in with their design — those deals are off the table!

This series of articles, with the accompanying threads, absolutely resonate and are providing a big boost in my healing and survival. I’m grateful and thankful for what you’ve written. Thanks, Kathy, for helping me find my balance, and discover my way.

Lots of Love,
Betty

Sunday, 28 June 2009 @ 8:23pm

Betty, thank you for sharing your story, and the real-time news about how things are changing. I got excited and sad and hopeful all at once reading it.

You wrote: “I still frequently feel an almost overwhelming sense of loneliness, but I now choose my own company over abusive treatment.” Me too, for a long time. I just couldn’t figure out how to do relationships, that weren’t abusive, either coming or going. So I just hid out for a while, while I worked on re-routing some neural pathways. At first it was like self-punishment. Then I got to really like my own company and my own space.

As far as the brother and family go, if yours are like mine, they’ll adapt, after kicking and screaming for a while. I had to listen to all kinds of things about how uppity and incomprehensible I had become. How I didn’t like them anymore. How I was deliberately upsetting them. It made me feel bad, but I did notice that no one was actually trying to understand how I felt. It was all about them.

Sooner or later, most of them did figure it out. The respect thing. The boundary thing. The difference between caring about how another person feels and making everyone responsible for it. It was actually a good thing for the family.

It’s kind of amazing how learning to take care of ourselves, and removing those slices from the table, can have a positive ripple effect.

Your letter made me want to cheer. I don’t think I’ve read a lot of your writing here. I really hope you do more.

Namaste.

Sunday, 28 June 2009 @ 10:33pm

Kathy!

Thanks again! It occurs to me that, though childhood is finished, part of what many of us are doing here at LF is learning how to parent the wounded parts of ourselves in a healthy, even bountiful way.

Those pieces of us that never quite come together fit when considered with harsh judgment? They come into focus as Life Experience when viewed with love and compassion. They have value. We have value, right now and as is!

I agree with you that taking care of one’s self has a rippling effect, and I suspect that I’ll see it eventually with my brother and the Fam. It has mostly all been about them, and I no longer accept that, because it simply doesn’t work as well as a family where everyone is valued and heard. Maybe that will happen and maybe it won’t — but it’s a good aspiration, and a worthy goal.

The taking care of one’s self opens some great doors and closes some that need closing — I’m still crawling out of my skin sometimes at how much I’m alone, but I am willing to enjoy getting to know me, and that’s something! I also am FAR less clingy that I used to try to cover up being. That’s part of the result of taking care of myself, too, I suspect.

The stories people tell in this place: they truly inspire me. I’ve never heard stories like this, so true and starkly honest, and healing. I’m honored to be here.

Namaste: in the spirit of companionship and healing, my spirit salutes yours,

Betty

Sunday, 28 June 2009 @ 11:55pm

Betty, I agree.

You wrote: “It occurs to me that, though childhood is finished, part of what many of us are doing here at LF is learning how to parent the wounded parts of ourselves in a healthy, even bountiful way.”

I think this is true. These relationships with the N/S/Ps seem to be iconic in this way, triggering healing because they surface the primal dramas that shape our lives. Instead of just living on autopilot, we can look at them and see how they are affecting us.

I think it’s a huge transition in our healing process and our understanding of the meaning of these relationships when we become less fascinated with the sociopaths and what they did, and more with ourselves, how we feel and how our feelings drive our behavior. Making that transition means that we can actually get something hugely positive out of these relationships, instead of just a lot of damage. But it also means that we may have to face old pains. It can be scary to approach that. And it leads us to some life changes that also require some courage.

But at some point, it just starts making sense. We don’t want to be victims. We don’t want to give these people that much power over our lives. We think we’re worth more than that. We don’t want to give up on ourselves or our dreams. And then it becomes about us, not them.

I also agree with you about the stories here. I am constantly trying to learn more about who we are, what we’re going through, how we process it, what it means to us. And the honesty and generosity of the writers on this site in sharing their lives humbles me daily. I want to reach out and pour healing energy into them, and I feel that same impulse networked all over this site. It’s really an amazing place.

Finally, thanks again for reading the article.

As I write farther down the path, I don’t know what to expect now, in terms of response and feedback. And I’m extremely grateful to you and James for your comments.

Monday, 29 June 2009 @ 10:12am

lyj Joy says:

Kathy, Thanks again for writing such deeply thought provoking healing stuff for us. I am ready to make the whole experience more about me and less about him. Because I chose to love it and live it so it makes me go HUM…
Betty and James thanks for sharing your insights as well. Can’t believe this thread isn’t busy yet. It will be soon enough I bet. LOL!

Monday, 29 June 2009 @ 5:59pm

Steve Becker, LCSW says:

Kathy, first of all, another incredible article….this series has got “book” written all over it? You are an incredibly healing, wise woman who also happens to be a gifted writer.

Thank you for your comments to Martha Trowbridge…and to me. I’ve always told you how much your validation means to me. Sorry I didn’t get back sooner; I responded to your posted feedback on my blog, not realizing, in my own narcissism, that maybe you wouldn’t be returning to it?

Best!
Steve

Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 5:49am

Thank you, Steve.

I admire your work too, as you know. The fact that you’re not angry and not scared, and can inject a little humor in it, not to mention that you’re talking largely out of your own observations, makes your writing immensely helpful.

And yes, it is a book in the works. I still have another three or four articles to write. And then I’m going to start revising them and looking for a publisher.

When I started all this five years ago, I couldn’t find anything in print to help people heal from these relationships. Since then I’ve found at least one really useful book about emotionally abusive relationships, but I didn’t realize at the time that was the problem. So I’m hoping there’s a market for this.

Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 6:50am

truebeliever says:

Kathleen,
Once again, you are so present in your own life and ours as well. What a beautifully expressed article! I am awaiting the arrival of your book! You are there! You have arrived! One of my favorite mantras is “Bloom where you are planted”. You are certainly living proof or the “flowering spirit” of that quote.

I loved so many things that you said that it is difficult to touch on them all. Respect is key. I loved the way that you explain that respect is awareness and “not admiration and involvement.” I have recently come to the understanding of my situation ,with this long awaited divorce from my S, that I am not the judge of what he does or who he does nor do I need to be.

I respect what it is that I am dealing with. I respect my feelings. I respect the time that it is taking me to heal. I respect what I have learned from this experience. I know that I will love again and I respect that I am quite capable of loving myself in the process.
Thank YOU! Kathleen for your gracious awareness and wisdom!

Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 10:28am

henry says:

Kathy – Wow – you touched so many aspects of my life with your article. I have been trying to live my life to please other’s, gain approval from others that don’t care about me but what I can do for them. With the exception of a few people in my life , most of those folks I was trying to please were taking my life. Recently I had this long talk with myself. It’s like ok Henry here you are, what are you going to do now that you have all this knowledge and information that i am not bad. Am I going to change now? Walk differently? Be that person I always wanted to be? In the past I wanted to be anybody but me. So do i make big changes? nope I am who I am, and now that I know I am good (not perfect) I must embrace myself and allow myself to be me. Without needing approval from those that saw me as good and wanted to bring me down by stepping on my spirit. At 54 I have lived my life for others, mostly my wicked mother, my abusive father and in the shadows of my older narcissist brother, and one toxic relationship after another. I can be me, the good in me that these lions want cant be taken away, it’s mine.

Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 10:37am

kindheart48 says:

hi guys, i have been on or posting in quite some time. Miss your advice Oxy soi hope you get to read this blog. My dad is in the hospital and very ill with cancer, fathers day past and i actually wrote a nice passage in a card telling him how much i loved him , then i get handed this paper after being asked to meet with his executor, long story short he wants his wife (my stepmother whom is also receiving his ins) the house to live in and my brother the shop valued at over 150 thousand and he already built a lean too of sorts on it for him. My point is im left nothing as usual and i can’t beleive i didnt listen and see that they will never care about me. The reality is the farm was left to me from my grandmother (paternal) whom i looked after and loved dearly and whom never got a visit from my father or brother while in nursing home. It’s to be split with my brother and he doesn’t even deserve that. He over the years took my mothers last money(inheritance of only 20 thousand ) and she ddied penniless of alcoholism. my brother also blew 25 thousand of my grandmothers inheritance from her aunt and 100j’s of thousand s of my dad’s and who knows how much bbt i don’t think half a million is an exageration. I know the money is gone and that’s not what im resentful of it’s the audacity that they both show thinking im going to give my brother the shop and house. It’s not even my fathers to deligate. I’ve been trying so hard to be the good daughter, going to the hospital, i’ve bent over backwards my whole life for these two losers and i know the farm wouldn’t eveen exits now if it hadn’t been left for me to manage as my brother already pissed one farm away. Sad to say but i talk to my ex sister in law over this and i trust my step mother as well so that should tell you what i have to deal with. Then the trauma program over the s who is much like my father, never giving me any positive response and always trying to get their approval. I sit here now just numb and im usually so sensitive and would be distraught to say the least with what my dad’s wishes are but i’ve been so hurt for so long i just think i became much like the people whove hurt me and that scares me. maybe it’s just my defences are kicking in as crying and being hurt didn’t get me anywhere. I think Oxy it was you who told me what my family really was and i just couldn’t admit it or didn’t want to admit it but it was shoved right in my face by my dad’s friend who was just doing his part and thank God he knows what my brother is all about and has advised me to get a good attorney as he’s beating around the bush about something in the will of my Grandmothers. I’ve done all the things i should have done being a decent person , taking my son to the hospital a month ago when home from Banff and he got rebuffed just as he said “mom it was my worst nightmare” but he’s a good kid and he went anyway and got what he expected. I heard a saying in AA “if you want to know what an alcoholic is really like, ask his immediate family” as my dad has tons of friends and lots of adopted sons and daughers while his own blood are strangers but i can’t do a dam thing about any of this. I’ve decided as hard as it’s going to be and this numbness that has come over me(it’s a strange feeling) that im not talking to any of them as it’s just inviting more misery and distrust and i’m done being screwed over by my own family. I have my own sons interest to protect so i’ve got a tough road ahead of me and im still not recovered from the s . Im not wanting to whine on but just about every man in my life has betrayed me over and over but not my sons so i have to be very grateful for that. They are my rocks even though my one is leaving for the military and the other is a long ways away, i know they would never betray me. Thanks to all reading this as i feel so much better getting it out and i appreciate all the wisdom and advise i get on here even though i don’t always take it immediately. love kindheart

Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 11:17am

robincandor says:

I am exiting a 14 year train wreck. Kathy, this article was timely for me. My wife hasn’t seen our 10 and 12 year old kids since Feb. Even then she didn’t stay with them but left them under the supervision of her boyfriends 15 year old nephew.

I was thinking this morning as a poet and a writer myself that perhaps I need to buy a big diesel truck, wear cowboy boots, get my ears pierced multiple times and secure tatoos all over the place while carrying a loaded weapon would bring up to par for as this is her current living environment.

Once the money was finally gone which over the years amounted to over a million dollars, she took out more credit cards in my name and jacked them all the way and then ran off with this guy.

Self esteem is an odd thing to me. Loving myself even odder. I could have been retired by now and am left with nothing but my memories and my thoughts. I still am going through woulda, coulda, shoulda, with no resolution.

So far the children will not talk to her and I have been pushing that with three things everyday. 1. This is the only Mother you will ever have. 2. I have never stopped you from seeing her. 3. I still care about her so don’t neglect her to make me feel better.

This tactic hasn’t softened their hearts either. I am at a loss how to reconnect them with her. I have them in counseling and hopefully our divorce will be final in July.

I have no animosity towards her or the boyfriend who was convicted of battery charges against me at my son’s little league game in front of both my children. All she did was help him exit the park after the incident to make sure he was not arrested on the spot. Now he has a protective order for a year so that he cannot see the children so no overnights would be permitted any way.

I’ve started adapting to the concept that girls love bad asses even though i could never be one. She has habitually lied to the kids and me throughout our lives and that still continues. Do i really still LOVE her, or is this just the void left from her leaving. She has always come home in the past. But this time she sends me e-mails how happy and complete she is in this new hillbilly gun toting envirnment.

I’ve got to accept who i am and move on, but the days seem long and weary for me. i still have fond memories even though it was at times a nightmare.

Sincerely, Robin

Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 1:33pm

An awesome series of articles…you are really an expert healer with uncanny sensitivity and insights. i promise to personally buy a bunch of your books when it’s published…and publishers are too narrow-motivated to publish it, then publish it yourself. You’ve got a great voice and the feedback speaks for itself.
Steve

Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 1:45pm

OxDrover says:

Dear Robin,

Welcome to Love Fraud, you sound like you have arrived at the RIGHT PLACe because all of us here have been through the wringer too….At least you have your kids!

Sounds like your X is a typical uncaring P wanting “excitement” in her life, well, I assure you, she will get it one way or another, but in the end, it won’t be pleasant for her either, even though she thinks that is what she wants.

It isn’t easy, but we can heal and move on to a BETTER LIFE than we had with them. Counting the blessings we have and oen of those blessing is that SHE IS GONE!!!!! Again, welcome!

Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 2:19pm

housie says:

Dear Robin,
You have arrived at the right place – a place of loving acceptance that is safe and filled with the most loving people who will companion you on your journey to wholeness. I have survived many years being married to a Psychopath, and almost as many more being “trauma bonded”, which I thought was love. I now realize it was addiction. Just today I applied for his Social Security, as I am finally of age, and of course it triggered some buttons as they asked me for lots of information regarding him. I was able to push past the uncomfortable feelings and regroup.
Thanks for being emotionally honest. It will help facilitate your recovery in a healthy way!!!

Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 3:03pm

libelle says:

Dear Kathy, your article induced really the “this is IT”- Moment for me last sunday evening when I read it!

Thank you so much! Now I am finally able to get rid of all the self help books I got from people or which I bought for myself to become a TOTALLY DIFFERENT BETTER ME.

I have books on how to speak better, work more efficiently, work out better, eat healthier, to simplify my life (my absolute favourite), how to buy better, shop smarter, not to be put down by others, self defense with words and how to become a better person in general, starting with Plato to the French Existentialists and beyond. Not to mention how to dress for success, how to improve table manners and how to write better letters, paint better, improve the cooking, the household in general and how to do successful gardening as an idle person.

I do not need them any more to become a different better me, because I AM already, I am the trophy for myself, already. I need the books of course for the techniques and the skills they provide, but they are not meant any more to change me the person into some saint but to improve the abilities of an already wonderful whole human being.

I always wanted to be the person other people wanted me to be, for THEM, not for ME.
First of all and most importantly I had to be a BOY (being the first born, for my chauvinist narcissistic Italian mother, impossible. She later said I had missunderstood her). Then I had to be beautiful (I was ugly, and father told my sister and me repeatedly so; that he was ashamed going out with his two ugly ducklings; last weekend was the first time in my life he took me out to a official reception and not in a dark hole of a cheap restaurant; I was NOT impressed any more!); then be smart and efficient (for my bosses who mostly saw in me a “human resource”), and last but not least I was very eager to satisfy my X in every aspect, how he wanted me to be, until I realized that it all was a so outrageous that I was able to see the pattern in it all, and with the help of all of you LF-peeps I could sort it out.

Kathy, you put your inner thoughts and inner comments and inner dialogues in such wonderful words, so that step by step I could relate. I felt that am not alone, that I am making progress (I was last week on the “to get over my father”-page). That I can be really proud of myself, and that I am lovable (to be loved by me, but that is in the end the most important)

For letting us/me know your wonderful wisdom I would like to express my deepest gratitude. Thank you!

Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 3:27pm

JaneSmith says:

Kathleen,

I’m going to go back and read the awesome comments from the LF members but while reading your essay I got so excited I could not wait to respond.

Your words on the REAL you and how you empathize, feel sincere compassion for others who have suffered tremendous horrific tragedies (concentration camps) or are still suffering is what struck a cord with me.

First, the real you. I get it, I do (I hope). I spent my entire life rejecting what was innately wonderful about myself, dismissing my intrinsic self to please others. I hated confrontation. I was terrified of the disapproval of others towards me. I was so shy, so self conscious, so hyper sensitive to any and all suspected criticsm that I basically lived my life in a shell. Like a turtle; when the mean words slashed at my heart and psyche, I would immediately retreat within the confines of my protective shell.

This yearly fearful state of being manifested into to a full blown generalized anxiety, panic attack disorder. Add a splash of clinical depression to the mixture and the combination made me a broken mess, a shattered child/girl/woman who spent many times curled up in the fetal position in the closet begging God to either help me with the struggle or to end me. Just finish it because I was so tired of pain. I’m no masochist. I never liked being miserable or despairing but I had no idea, no clue where to go to alleviate the pain.

Fast forward to 4 years ago. There I was, living in a tiny town trying to collect the scattered pieces of myself after my exodus from the harsh, cruel big city. I was spent. Very little energy left. What I did have I used on loving and caring for my darling felines. They got it all and it wasn’t much, I confess.

My obstinancy, my fierce independent nature, my always wanting to do things my way, the hard way without any interceding from others had led me to this point. The point of nowhere and getting there fast.

I looked up into the heavens and quietly spoke to God. I said…”I can’t do this anymore. I’m a wreck and I’m not good news for myself or for anyone else. Please help. I have a little spark of life still flittering around in me somewhere but I don’t know how to coax it into something bigger. I am defeated. I can’t do this alone anymore, I don’t want to, and I need you.”

As soon as I spoke these words out loud and to God, the relief was palpable. The weight of the world was shrugged off my shoulders and I was finally able to take a deep, cleansing breath. For the first time ever.

Little by little over the years with my newly awakened and released spiritual faith I have delightedly discovered the “Real” me. By focusing all my attention on striving to stay reality oriented, truth oriented I have been freed. Literally in every sense of the word. I am no longer a slave to my dysfunction, my brokenness. No longer a prisoner to my psyche. No longer my own worse enemy.

I LOVE me very much. I love that I am a good, kind, caring and decent woman. I love that I’m silly and goofy quite often and I don’t give a flying fig what others think. I live my life according to me and primarily how The Lord wants me live: always seeking to live righteously, without hurting a soul on Earth, but defending the REAL me from those who would exploit and use the dickens out of me. And being fiercely protective of the innocents because by allowing evil to commit it’s dirty deeds I am contributing to that evil. I speak up now like I never did before although I so realize there is more that I should be doing. I’ll get there, with the help of God.

(I’m currently reading “The Shack”. Wow, amazing inspiring book. Even if you’re not a Christian this book would be a beneficial read because it’s about love. And if you can love then it will resonate, create a connection in you. I actually thanked God for creating me last night.)

I wrote the above not in an effort to elicit sympathy or concern for me. That stuff is done and finished. I worked it out. I am joyful that the woman I once was, that scared woman is history. But I cherish, nurture and love her as she is still a small part of who i am. And also to remind me of where I was and where I am going.

And by healing myself with the mercy, love and power of God and I can turn my love and care towards those who are in that place I once was.

If I can heal and in the process become that real woman I formally dismissed and rejected, become strong, determined, peaceful, calm and joyful then ANYONE can do it.

You only have to choose to want beauty, love and light in your life and I will happen. Just don’t give up. Ever.

Peace, Love and Joy for all……

Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 4:53pm

Oh, one more thing..

No of us owes another human being a damn thing especially our blood, sweat and tears. Speaking of adults not babies, children. As I’m not a mommy to humans I don’t have the right to speak on the topic of parenting. I’m clueless in that department.

When we come to terms, educate ourselves regarding pathological personality disorders, spend the necessary and enlightening time healing ourselves from loving predators, for how ever long that takes, we begin to see that rainbow on the horizon in technicolor. Bright, vivid, clear as a bell and that is what I consider reality.

Yes, reality is harsh and cruel and mean but it also illuminating, revealing, and as brilliant as a shiny diamond in crystal clarity. There is beauty in reality as well as ugliness.

Thing is, the beauty supercedes the ugly and fills the soul with goodness and rightness. We can most certainly choose what we wish to have in our lives. What we wish to observe, analyze, study and appreciate. What we wish to nurture, protect and love.

We can escape the ties that once bound us. We are unique, complex individuals and we can choose to be free if we let the pain go. Eventually. This is a process. As Donna and Kathleen wrote, digging deep and to the core of that pain, disappointment, resentment and fury. However far back we need to go to root out that pain then let it be done.

I’m writing this because I had to do that myself. Dig deep and far to locate, analyze, feel what I needed to feel while reliving, contemplating that pain. It is necessary if you wish to free yourself for a promising, gorgeous future. A future devoid of loving not only predators but people who are not concerned with what you want. What you need. Only a reciprocal relationship where both parties are giving and caring is this even possible. Hence, why I am single and why I will be single as long as I need to be.

I really love you folks and I geniunely believe you are awesome. I read your words and say to myself..”Wow, he/she is so smart! So kind! So phenomenal! Why can’t he/she see what I see?”

Well, because we’re modest and humble. These uncommon virtues are what seperate us from PDIs and other selfish, immature taker types. Yeah, it seems I’m somewhat prideful in my modesty and humility….haha. I’m not. Really I’m not. I struggle with doing the right and justified thing every day. I’m not exceptional in being the person I am. There are tons and tons of great people in the world and LF is only one avenue where they mingle.

Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 5:41pm

Oh hooray! I am so grateful to you all for reading this, and that you got something out of it. My phone and internet stopped working today, because of damage from the thunderstorms that have become a daily occurrence here. Everything is so wildly overgrown, I feel like I’m living in a jungle and wouldn’t be surprised to see a lion come strolling out of the woods outside my office windows.

Joy, thank you for jumping on early, getting it, and going HUM. I was afraid I’d finally written the one that nobody would read. I think your humming did the trick.

truebeliever, thank you for responding to the section on respect. For getting it. I think it’s a hard concept. Especially if we’ve been taught to confuse respect with submission or putting someone above us. We may respect relative power, but that’s simply observing and acknowledging that the relative power is something that may affect us. And I love that you respect your feelings. Yes, they exist. Yes, they affect you. And yes, you can’t ignore them, because they will get in your if you try. I respect my feelings too. And everyone else’s, especially if they’re close enough to affect me.

Henry, the trophy is yours. Always, you touch my heart. Isn’t it great when you discover that you were a good guy all along, and you don’t have to please anyone else to be prove it? I have a friend who, when I first brought this topic up, said that she had struggled all her life not to be a bad person. I wished I had an ICGP (Irrevocably Certified Good Person) medal I could pin on her. Maybe we could get those spray-on tan places to include them with the service.

robincandor, welcome to LoveFraud. Don’t worry about this article right now, unless it gives you permission to take care of yourself. You have more urgent fish to fry. Like getting emotionally free of this character. Check on some of the recent threads about parenting (which will not be about just the kids, but you too). All of you are facing tremendous challenges, and your most important issue now is getting your priorities straight and getting your life back.

libelle, you crack me up. Your bookshelf sounds like mine. Do you also have a wardrobe that covers every imaginary contingency from tea with Queen Elizabeth to the outfit that goes with the “work for food” sign (actually my old hippie rock concert rig minus the light sticks)? Dressing for success can be so complicated. You are lovable, would be even if we all didn’t love you, which we do. Phooey on those people who don’t get it. Although there are actually a lot fewer of them, once we start accepting and appreciating ourselves. It’s kind of magical how that communicates the standard by which we should be treated. Maybe you could travel back in memory and inform the parents.

JaneSmith, your assist from God is very much like my sister’s approach. She asked for help in the same state you were and got a lot of support. My approach to spiritual connection is a little different, and I’ll probably talk about it in my last article. But love is love, wherever you find the eternal source that you can believe in. Your post is inspirational. I love what you wrote: You only have to choose to want beauty, love and light in your life and I will happen. Just don’t give up. Ever.

Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 6:37pm

Kindheart, So glad to see you back. So sorry for the circumstances. Be strong. Get good legal counsel, fight for what is yours. Forget the rest. Missed ya.
Welcome Robin, There is good people and good stuff waiting for you every step of the way here.
Libelle, Love your bookshelf and get the revelation that all you need to be you already are. We just need to wipe the chit off our shoes and polish ourselves up a bit and we are all precious gems.
JaneSmith, That was some deep darned good writing. The shack what a book. Made me cry. Helped my healing as I had gotten angry with God for all the mess and that book helped me through it.
Kathy, You are most welcome for the early read and my humming comment. I’m hungry for the food for thought you dish up. It satisfies me, and I snack on it for days. Each time I read it I come away a little fuller. I can’t wait for the book. You should have a release party, and we should all attend:)! Instant best seller I’m thinking, and I want to come see you on Oprah’s book club episode! “Lovefraud: the Chronicles” You should even include some of our comments that would be cool.

Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 8:20pm

You know I love Buddha, right? Very much love, respect and admire the person, teacher he was.

This is how I see it, my perspective. If I person is aware, accepting and appreciative of their essential spiritual nature, allowing it to flourish and grow in the direction it wishes to go, then I believe they’re a person I would want to get to know.

To share with and seek to understand their perspective, from a place of respect and honor.

But some people vehemently deny their spiritual aspect and in doing so I believe they are lacking the fullness, the truth of what it means to be human. Maybe I’m wrong but I’ve seen and heard of the consequences when denying, denouncing, such a fundamental part of who we are. It is detrimental to a person’s psyche, their very soul whether they realize this or not. Or even care.

LYJ JOY… Yes, hon, I read your explanation regarding the new and improved username…haha. Cute. I’ll call you anything you wish but no mean words, Shirley or late for dinner.

Thank you, sweety. Yeah, “The Shack” is an amazing book. I’m skipping a night as I cried tears of sadness first then tears of real joy while reading it and my heart needs a little rest. Just for a day a two. I’ll be fresh as a daisy when I pick it up again, ready to be touched, moved and inspired! yay!

*hug*

Wednesday, 1 July 2009 @ 12:53am

utahan15 says:

thank you kathleen for the insightful , blog, i too like the people here have been a person who invested this emotion called love on uncaring, unsharing people. until a few years ago, i self loathed, not self loved, now i am no longer willing to tolerate blatant dis respect! warm wishes to you for releasing your pain and encouraging others such as myself!

Wednesday, 1 July 2009 @ 8:04am

Utahan 15, Welcome. This is a great place to learn, heal, vent, question, and finally support others as we heal ourselves. The archives are filled with so much good stuff. Just read, educate, and express yourself when you feel like it.
Jane, That book is so powerful and at times a bit overwhelming definitely not a speed read or for light entertainment. Like Kathy’s stuff it needs to be savored slowly as we digest the deep concepts:)! Yep, kids and computers, I have no idea what my son did but was going crazy trying to post. lyj just seemed right, and it fits my healing self now. Hey, if you’re cooking, you can call me late to dinner. Better late than never! No mean words but a skillet boink when needed. And Shirley… That’s not my name:)! Having a silly fun filled morning teasing my friends on facebook. Life is good at the moment. No complaints.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009 @ 9:54am

utahan15, welcome to LoveFraud. And thanks for reading the article. I’m glad it related to some of your experiences.

I used to get into debates with people who are argued with my idea that I deserved to be loved. They said that we can’t force other people to love us. True, but that love starts with ourselves and the choices we make to minimize engagements with people who don’t grasp how lovable we are.

As you said, much more succinctly. Thanks for contributing. I hope you write more.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009 @ 12:38pm

JaneSmith,

I had to think a bit before answering your last post about spirituality. Not because I don’t agree with every word of it, but because the issue of people who aren’t involved with their spirituality is something that doesn’t lend itself to easy responses.

I think they don’t involve themselves because they don’t see a reason. And a lot of this emerges from not grasping what it all means. One of my better conversations with my ex took place when I was really trying to enlighten him about his own potential capabilities to care. He is a committed “religion is the opiate of the masses” atheist. So I asked him if there were anything he would change in the world if he could.

It was really interesting to see his response. It was almost like seeing, in his face, him going down a path that was almost totally unfamiliar to him, because ordinarily his thinking was about him. But he found something there, because all his resentments about his own life had their equivalent in social issues. It may have been the first time in his life that he ever thought like altruist. And it moved him for that moment, opened his eyes to another reality.

It didn’t stick. The big clanking machinery of his personality superstructure took over, as usual, when he had a decision to make that required him to choose between “I’ or “we.” But it was an interesting moment.

Sociopaths, in my view, are just extreme cases of people who don’t grasp why faith is built into our systems. Maybe faith isn’t the right word. But the whole issue gets complicated by failure of family dynamics, the influence of some organized religions that describe spirituality in terms of punitive, rules-based controls, the fact that we live in a secular society where the values are heavily influenced by free market theory, and spirituality is often viewed as contradictory to scientific method (if you can’t measure it, it’s not meaningful). Another factor is that our spirituality evolves as we mature emotionally.

I think a lot of people, who are uncomfortable with the idea of spirituality, are actually experiencing it under different terminology. Ethics, values, commitments, hope. Hope, in itself, is a spiritual experience. As is gratitude. As is awe at something beautiful. As you pointed out in an earlier post, once you get a grip on the benefits of having this capacity, it just kind of spreads out over the emotional and intellectual landscape.

The reality, I think, is that we are connected to something larger than ourselves and, through it, connected to everything else. Or maybe that larger thing is just the great network that connects us to everything else. I think that awareness is experienced and acted upon in all kinds of ways. And that the facets of humanity that we are naturally attracted to and admire are expressions of this consciousness.

Forgive me for rambling on. As I said, I’ve been trying to think of a simple response to what you wrote. And clearly, I failed to keep it simple. Eventually, it’s just everything. And it doesn’t boil down neatly into easy commentary.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009 @ 1:30pm

Matt says:

kindheart48:

I saw your post regarding your father’s actions with respect to your farm.

Quite frankly, your father has done the most manipulative thing one human being can do to another — using his death bed to strong you into doing his bidding.

I hope you didn’t sign the paper. If you did, you are going to have to sue on the grounds of undue influence, in that your father used his situation to sway you into signing away your property interest.

Putting aside the legal situation, the fact that your father would have the audacity to do this to you, in my book, absolves you of having to do anything further for him or your so-called family.

I have been dealing with a sick parent myself, recently. Today my mother went right back into manipulation mode, strong-arming me regarding my conman brother. I cut off the coversation. When I hung up all I thought is “well, I gave her my best while she was sick, and it is now in MY best interests to not get manipulated.”

Bottom line? You owe your father nothing and your brother and step-mother even less. You have given your father your best and he has chosen to use your loyalty for him against you. Putting his another way, you have said your good-bye to him whether you realize it or not.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009 @ 2:55pm

Kathy and Matt, Bravo to you both for stating the complex so clearly:)! Kindheart hang in there and be strong, my friend. Sending you healing hugs and strength.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009 @ 3:38pm

You ramble? Perish the thought! Seriously. Like I said, if you need a lot of words to express how you truly think and feel, then…more power to you, woman!

Me and I’m sure all the other LF tribe members read what you write with excitement, happiness, enthusiasm, and a desire to assimilate and truly process your words. (I’m the turtle remember? plodding and methodical…that’s me.)

Let’s face it, kiddo…you’re an awesome teacher, an experienced writer and spiritual healer. You got the gift and you are using it in the most altruistic way possible: helping others find their way through the muck of past/present pain, suffering and misery.

I for one, never tire or get bored reading your writing. Almost seems blasphemous, or self defeating to profess such a negative approach to an experience that can help me move forward in all areas of my life. As the venerable Spock would say…”that is not logical”…

Wednesday, 1 July 2009 @ 4:14pm

I wrote…”You only have to choose to want beauty, love and light in your life and I will happen. Just don’t give up. Ever”

YaY me! Way to screw up that closing sentence, aye? boo..

Of course I meant to write…”it will happen”. I really don’t think that by you lovely folks choosing that beauty, love and light in your life that “I” will magically happen.

I think I’ve already happened but maybe I was jumping the gun too early. Mabye I’m only the prototype and those people are still working out the quirks and kinks on the REAL DEAL me.

Hm, food for thought….

Wednesday, 1 July 2009 @ 4:47pm

I didn’t notice the typo. But I love it.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009 @ 5:47pm

justabouthealed says:

Kindheart: It is hurtful when we find our family is/has/was abusive to us and will hurt us financially, take advantage of us, and do these things deliberately. My mom left me a toxic note to read after she died….she wanted to continue to hurt me in new ways even after she died! (Still I have some good memories, but overall….) I think Matt gave you great advise. It is so hard to be strong in that situation, but it is important that bad motives don’t triumph over good in as many situations as possible, and it is also what you deserve. If you can hire an attorney to do your battles for you, it will be worth what you gain in peace of mind and NC as much as possible. I’m gradually getting my biological family out of my life without fanfareand creating a new family of supportive friends.

Regarding the triggers, I get to feeling really strong, and then once in awhile I slip, but at least I SEE myself slipping and just writing about it helps erase the faulty thinking. Still, I look forward to the day when I am suddenly surprised to realize I haven’t thought of the P/S/N for a few days! AT least I usually think of him as brain damaged now, in a very sad way.

Regarding a spiritual self, yes I think it is there, but I think it can’t depend on thinking, if that makes any sense. I can’t buy that a retarded child has less spirit or is less spiritual than I am, or my dog has less spirituality than I do. I don’t think being spiritual is an intellectual task. What is it? For me it is those moments when you know you and another living being have really connected, really communicated, are really sharing the same positive emotion, vibe or whatever and for a moment all separation disappears. It is also those moments when you feel something come out of you that feels like it is coming form outside you and it is good and you are as surprised as everyone else!

Wednesday, 1 July 2009 @ 5:49pm

kindheart, I apologize for not responding sooner to your post. I’m trying to respond to everyone for the first few days of this thread. But when I read your post, I didn’t understand all of it. Reading some of the comments helped, and I went back to read it again.

So here are my thoughts. You sound really lucid, despite being so upset. That is, you know what’s what. All the way through it, it was one fact after another. You know what you deserve. And you know your rights (unless there is some surprise in your grandmother’s will that you don’t know about.)

You also know who you can’t trust. I’m remembering more of your story now as I write this. Especially the time your bother wanted you to come out the farm to talk about something. You didn’t want to go there, and we talked about writing a letter instead. Because you were afraid of him, afraid that he might coerce you in some way or hurt you. (Am I remembering that right?)

So now you know more about what that’s about. (I assume this is part of that same story, and he was going to try to strong-arm you into agreeing to all this.) So your brother and your father are colluding to steal part of your inheritance. And one or both of them believe that you’re too weak to stand up for yourself and protect your children’s interests.

If that’s the case, it’s pretty cut and dried, as far as what’s going on.

The first question is why are you bothering to act like a good daughter to this guy? The second question is what is going to take to repay your brother for his treatment of you and get him permanently out of your life?

I’m not trying to minimize how hard it is to cut off your own family. I spent half my life trying to stay friends with mine, even though I had to agree that I was responsible to for the fact that my father incested me to even be friends with my mother. And keep my mouth shut about what I saw of my father’s out-of-control behavior with my mother, my siblings and other people. And frankly, the reason I was so desperate to hold onto them was because they were so awful to me that I felt insecure about having a family at all, and felt like I had to all the work.

When I was 40 and in therapy with an expert on childhood abuse, that changed. I told them that if they didn’t get real about what happened to me, I wasn’t going to continue to talk to them. And I didn’t talk to them until they did. It didn’t change the past, but it make me feel like less of a doormat, and it changed the way I dealt with them in the future.

My story isn’t your story, but maybe there’s a moral in it for you. If these people want to be related to you, they need to earn it. You’re not the one who has to constantly prove what a good person you are. You’ve already done that. It’s their turn. And if the only kind of relationship they can do is one that’s abusive or dishonest or trying to screw you over, then you’re back in the world of sociopathic relationships. And it’s time to go NC. They can talk to the lawyer who’s protecting your rights and helping get your brother, the scary-dangerous parasite, out of your life.

Am I being too aggressive here? I’m not sure what you’re ready to think about. But from my perspective, you deserve better family, even if you have to put together a family of choice (good friends you can trust) to replace the family you were stuck with.

As far as not getting adequate strokes in your trauma group to get over the s, I know that you feel like you’ve got a vitamin deficiency in acknowledgment and approval. But you’re surrounded by people who are all dealing with their own big grieving processes. They may be able to say “oh, poor you,” but otherwise they probably don’t have the internal resources to be emotionally generous right now. And as far as the facilitator goes, what he or she is probably waiting for is for you to stop crying over how you were betrayed, and get made because you deserve better.

You deserve it for what you gave, your goodness and generosity. But more than that, you deserve it because you’re a human being and you have an intrinsic right to be treated with respect.

You can’t get back the lost years or the sqandered money. You can’t change the fact that the way you were brought up conditioned you to be a perfect target for betrayers, because you keep trying to be a loving good girl, rather kicking them out of your life when they hurt you or disappointed you the first time. You weren’t trained to think that you’re worth anything or that you deserved to be treated well. (And I’m guessing here, but reading between the lines in what you wrote. Why else would you keep hoping that your father is finally going to start watching out for you?)

So please, forgive me if I’ve stepped over the line here. But you have an absolute right, not just to get mad, but to start defending and taking care of yourself. To stop feeling betrayed, because you recognize that you’re not dealing with people like you. You’re dealing with people are incapable of being fair or even kind to you. And just like you would shoot a mad bull that was rushing toward you or swat a mosquito that landed on your arm, you are starting to regard them as a problem, rather than some big thing that is wrong with your life that everyone betrays you. This is not everyone. This is these two brutal users, who are grabbing what you have for only one reason. Because it’s easy. Because they’ve conditioned you to accept it, and they think they can get away with it.

The great news about your letter is that it sounds like you’re waking up. All your hope that they love you or fear that they’ll hurt you is hardening into outrage and determination. You’re separating what they want from what you want, and you’re choosing what you want. You’re giving up hoping or pretending the situation is anything but what it is.

And if that’s true, you’ll be taking the biggest step forward of your life in resolving your trauma. Because the early stage of trauma-processing is when we feel blasted and wobbly and betrayed by events. The turnaround is when we say, “This is my life and I have a right to defend myself and, if necessary, fight back.” Not just to the latest sociopaths, but to the ones that went before that set us up to be a victim.

You not only have a right to fight back, but you have a right to create a decent life for yourself without dealing with ongoing betrayals and harassment. You have a right to get rid of what makes you crazy and sick, so you can open your heart and your life to what is truly life-giving and rewarding for you.

Thank heavens you have good sons and good relationships with them. But they’re growing up, and you’re going to have to find new meaning and new things to love. And to do that, you need to get this garbage out of your life.

And all that is in support of what you are already planning, I’m sure, and what Matt and everyone else here is going to tell you. Get a lawyer, pull your documents together, and fight for what’s yours and what’s right. All of it. If you can recovery something of what was lost, go for that too. You deserve interest for all the meanness you’ve put up with. Don’t feel sorry for them. Don’t get suckered in and refuse to be bullied. Nobody in this group is watching out for you, but you.

If you do this, you won’t care if the trauma group is giving you strokes. Or anyone else. Because you’ll be blooming on the strokes you’re giving yourself. I am sending you a truckload of taking-care-of-business energy. You have always been a brave woman. It’s time to go to battle for you. And win.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009 @ 7:03pm

justabouthealed, I saw your post after I posted to kindheart.

Wonderful, succinct advice. I wish I had that gift.

I love what you wrote about spirituality:

“For me it is those moments when you know you and another living being have really connected, really communicated, are really sharing the same positive emotion, vibe or whatever and for a moment all separation disappears. It is also those moments when you feel something come out of you that feels like it is coming form outside you and it is good and you are as surprised as everyone else!”

The only thing I’d add is when I’m working in the garden or walking in the woods, and I get awed by all the life around me. I want to do something I don’t know how to do. Jump out of my clothes, my skin and just roll around in it, get inside of it. It’s something like love but different. I want to just disappear in it, let it eat me up. Water too. Sunsets. When the deer are eating the roses, and I’m thinking that I’ll miss the roses but how killer-lucky am I to have the deer grazing in my front yard. The stars in the black sky here in the mountains. I think all this is part of it.

What you said about something coming from you that it feels like it’s coming from out of you… I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about this, but sometime in my recovery work, I realized I could see though things. Not all own stuff. I was still working on that. But all the complicated stuff I deal with at work, and in relationships with other people, I just suddenly knew things without having to think about it.

I didn’t trust it for a while, kept going back to do all the careful research and analysis that I always did. But I knew I had it right the first time, and then I just started trusting it. And my relationships totally changed. I had to rethink who I was with other people. Because I didn’t know what to make of it. And then I finally realized that I was just supposed to listen and say what I thought. That was largely why people wanted to talk with me anyhow. I could stop making it so complicated, and just do it.

I don’t know why or how this happened. Or what to call it. In my own mind, I call it “laser vision” but that’s my shorthand, and I wouldn’t say it to a client. But I also don’t claim it as my own. I think that this too is part of my spirituality. I’m using eyes that are better than my own. Tapping some observational wisdom that is smarter or wiser than me. Maybe it is me. Maybe all this work on myself cleared some clouds or static that was keeping me from being able to focus and interpret this way. But I don’t even really want to own it. I just want to ride it, use it, be grateful for it.

Especially since it’s why I can talk now. Where I always got boggled by second-guessing before. Something in me thought I was ready. And I don’t think it’s part of our relationship for me to second-guess it.

Maybe that’s what you were talking about in your earlier posts about your clarity and certainty now. In what you see. In what you’re doing. In the way you talk. If so, wow.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009 @ 8:09pm

As I said, I love reading your superlative essays and also the proceeding commentary to the LF tribe members. But me bum gets numb!…haha.

How’s that for Brit speak? I love when they call your garden variety creepos names such as tosser, prat and twit. Cracks me up!

Oh, and when they’re 3 sheets to the wind those lovely British folks say they are “pissed”. When we say we’re pissed, means we’re about to do the hoedown on some knuckle-head’s…well, head.

Ok, I’ll chill with the colorful expletives otherwise Donna’s gonna do a righteous throw down on MY head!

Wednesday, 1 July 2009 @ 8:15pm

Ah Jane, that was a short one for me. Try just reading down the words in the middle of the column like the speedreaders do. You have to get Zen about it and not care if it makes sense. Who knows what you’d discover I’m saying?

Yes, the spirituality of the deer and jumping out of my clothes. Getting it right the first time and stop making it so complicated. Smarter and wiser than me. Wow!

See distilled Kathy, easier on your bum. And at least as entertaining.

What about wanking? I used it the other day to mean mental masturbation. And someone from Britain was shocked. I read too much punk fiction probably and my sense of proprietary is dulled. But was it really shocking?

Wednesday, 1 July 2009 @ 9:21pm

Kathleen, thanks for all your kind comments. Well, yeah, sometimes the clarity is there….and sometimes I fall.

I feel exactly the same about nature. And also knowledge that comes from somewhere. Maybe it is my subconscious putting a lot of pieces together for me, without me being consciously aware. I think it is something available to everyone.

I’m working on getting to your honest communication. At times, it is there. Other times, not so much! LOL! My favorite cartoon is three birds on a telephone wire. The first bird is sitting on the wire looking bored. The third bird is hanging precariously from the wire, holding on with his wings as arms, one leg wrapped around the wire, and the other leg has slipped off and is dangling, and he is looking down in great fear and shaking. The middle bird, sitting calmly on the wire, says to him “You’re over thinking this, Phil”

At times that is me!

PS Kathleen, you have given me succinct advice. Sometimes when I slip back a bit, I remember you said, “who ever he is, he didn’t deserve your attention.” And that has centered me if there is a trigger that gets to me. Some days I feel “completelyhealed” or at least incredibly strong. But sometimes you have to go back down a mountain a bit to find a good path to the top.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009 @ 10:29pm

justabouthealed, me too. Sometimes I fail too, not as much in the clarity (though my ego is definitely still fighting for air time), as in how I express it. I’m trying to get better at sensitivity.

When being scared and defensive was more prominent in my mind, I was a lot more geared to paying attention to the state of my listener. Trying to create an impression and manage their reactions. Now this stuff, which is just unemotional reality in my head, can make me sort of Mr. Spock-ish. And I’m having to work to recover that sensitivity that was second-nature before. I guess this is where I’m at in my recovery. Maybe after we work on emotional freedom (not feeling responsible for other people’s feelings), we have to re-learn how to be a social person again.

Another round around the mountain. I love it that you visualize this as a mountain too. I think I go around it and around, revisiting the same issues, but each time from a higher perspective. The view of the world beyond is a little better. The circuits around the mountain get a little faster. Maybe a little harder, in some ways, because the material is just so distant from where I started, and it gets harder to find role models and I still have sentimental feelings about some of the stuff I left behind. But it’s just so cool to get well, to see the world differently, to find the new definitions of my life.

I am so grateful to be here at LoveFraud. There are plenty of role models here, and friends who get it.

Like you. Thanks for the bird joke. I can’t figure out which one of them I am. I guess it depends on the day.

Thursday, 2 July 2009 @ 9:35am

I read your post above 3 times and I’m still a little confrused!…haha.

Cerebral humor….ZROOM! Flies over my head faster than the speed of light. Rune’s humor is the same way. I’m like a puppy, cocking my head left and right, looking at it from different angles yet sadly unable to figure out the meaning.

Like this statement…”Yes, the spirituality of the deer and jumping out of my clothes.” Huh? Are you channeling some ancient Indian shaman or something? I wouldn’t doubt it not with the all meditation you do….haha.

Speaking of meditation, I have tried for years to obtain discipline with that healing practice. The hardest part for me is the clearing of the mind of extraneous thoughts. Even when I determinedly work to keep my mind clear of these nagging thoughts they inevitably creep in.

Also, the very few times I’ve been able to control my thoughts, concentrate only on my deep breathing, I will begin to yawn. I get sleepy during meditation. Maybe I’m just doing it wrong. No, I AM doing it wrong.

Someday I hope to develop some serious discipline with meditation because I would most definitely dig where the journey takes me.

Thursday, 2 July 2009 @ 12:04pm

Jane, I was making a joke about how it would read if you just scanned down the words in the center of the column. (So you wouldn’t have to spend so much time reading.) And wondering how that would look.

Though that was really my favorite line of the whole thing. Makes me wish I were teaching a poetry class, and I could write it on the board, and tell the students the write a poem with that as the title.

Here’s the thing about meditation, if you don’t mind a little input. Clearing your mind is not as essential as getting a little distance from all those Mexican jumping beans and just letting them do their three-dimensional pinball game thing, while you observe from a distance and say, “Oh, how interesting, this is what’s going in my head.” It’s detaching, rather than suppressing or judging. By trying to do anything to thought processes, you’re staying attached to an outcome.

The belly-breathing technique is to help you relax and give you a chance to just focus on something neutral, but physically real. You could focus on a metronome or one of those lightcatchers people hang in the garden. Anything to remove you from all the noise on the “floor” of your mind where all the jumping beans are jumping. And then your consciousness sort of splits. Your direct focus in on the neutral thing you’re using to stay off the floor. But all this other stuff continues to go on in the periphery or, often enough, tries to jump up in front your consciousness and demand you pay attention to it and whatever drama it’s in the middle of. And your only challenge here is to not get sucked in. Not argue with it either. That’s getting sucked in in a different way. Just let it do its little dance.

One of the wonderful things that happens in this process is that we get to understand our egos in a new way. They are drama generators. The generate drama to justify their existence. See, you’re in trouble, so we have to think about me, me, me. See, somebody hurt my feelings, so there’s something bad out there. See, if we don’t worry about this next terrible thing that’s going to happen, we’ll die or become a bag lady. I’m protecting you. I’m defending you. I’m making up all these rules for you. I’m so wonderful. I’m so ashamed. I’m so powerful. I’m so betrayed. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

And when you begin to get a grip on that, when you get less involved but more familiar with the various beans and their rather repetitive dances. You may begin to see more deeply into them with growing compassion for yourself. You may also begin to realize that the noisy floor of your mind is not the entirety of your consciousness. You start to become aware of “higher” levels, and get there more easily, where you can listen to their vibrations and feel what they’re experiencing. Eventually as you move higher, it becomes less verbal in nature and increasingly connected and aware.

If you’re interested in a conceptual map of those levels, here’s one that I like. It’s from Ken Keyes’ “Handbook to Higher Consciousness,” a book from the 70s that was about spiritual evolution. (Key was an amazing guy. His bio is on Wikipedia.) Here’s a URL for that description of the levels:
http://community-2.webtv.net/b.....page4.html.

Finally, there isn’t just one way to do meditation. I’m not very good at taking time to sit around and breathe. Though I do like the body awareness meditation from Jon Kabat-Zinn’s meditation CD where you visit every part of your body, notice it and then relax it, and move on to the next. That’s all there is to it, and once you learn it, you can call on it anytime. I used that yesterday at the dentist, along with some belly breathing, while we were going through a long procedure with a lot of drilling, and it helped with my tension a lot.

But these years of writing when I was in recovery were also a form of meditation. Instead of distancing myself from the noise in my mind, I identified the most prominent feeling and “sat inside it,” letting it be, giving it all my attention and listening to what it had to say to me about me. This technique was the source of most of my insights. I think this a good technique for those of us who are dealing with the big emotional reactions of healing from trauma.

All of these things puts us in the position of the unjudging observer. Cultivating first the “manager” function of our minds, and then exploring the higher layers that are equally real and active, but usually drowned out by the dance of the jumping beans.

I hope all that makes sense. The real message is that it’s easier than you think. And a great adventure.

Heart-to-heart Namaste, Jane.

Thursday, 2 July 2009 @ 1:25pm

can’t help commenting again…what an amazingly profound meditation…wow.
Steve

Thursday, 2 July 2009 @ 1:54pm

Thanks, Steve. It was almost as good as a meditation break to write it.

Thursday, 2 July 2009 @ 3:06pm

Wow, sweety! Thanks for sharing that with me. I think you have helped me see meditation in a new light. I will begin to practice what you say.

Thursday, 2 July 2009 @ 5:58pm

Jane, good luck with it. It’s an easier perspective, but it still takes some discipline to just watch the little darlings without getting sucked in. They all think they’re so important, and they know every button to push.

I think it’s why regular meditators seem so amazingly relaxed. If you can get perspective on anything your mind can throw at you, that takes care of about 99 percent of what the world can throw at you. And when you don’t flap, the word “choice” takes on an entirely different meaning.

Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 1:14am

dancingnancies says:

this post couldn’t come at a more perfect time, because this is the stage I am at right now. Kind of mixed with “letting go”… I did have obsessive thoughts, like my body/mind/soul NEEDS to reinforce the fact that the Sociopath/Narcissist was indeed an S/N/P and not a normal human being. I won’t let myself forget that. I won’t let myself forget that I was wronged, and that it wasn’t my fault, and I did nothing to deserve it. I was simply at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Now, rather than manifesting as an obsessive cycle of thinking it seems that I’m beginning to realize this was my past. There’s nothing I can do to change that. But I’m me.. and I have this whole life ahead of me.. and I have so much potential in this life, and having prayed a ton this week.. God is whispering to me that I’m alright now, I’m okay, I just need to let go. I am so thankful, even though I have struggled so much even in this healing journey, there’s finally a ray of light and hope, and like Jane said, yes this is reality. And though it’s not perfect, it’s life, and life is a gift, and we should embrace it, because we are made in God’s image and he loves us as we are. We are whole… we just need ourselves to believe & know it, because it’s whats real. We are already whole.

Thank you for this post Kathy, bless you.

Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 1:45am

blueskies says:

Just a wee comment about an earlier comment.
Kathy, I loved this:
‘ I get awed by all the life around me. I want to do something I don’t know how to do. Jump out of my clothes, my skin and just roll around in it, get inside of it. It’s something like love but different. I want to just disappear in it, let it eat me up. ‘

I was raised in an atheist family, and do not affiliate myself with any organised faith, but since I was a child felt this strong spiritual connection to nature and beauty ( I hope that doesnt sound too poncy…. or too hippie dippy!) just as you describe it here. (when I was little and even now, I say that when I experience that feeling in a place it is full of fairies!lol!) How wonderful. A walk in the woods or by the sea, that beautiful overwhelming feeling of being filled up or connected to the beauty of it all! Wanting to take root and become it.x Good medicine.

I am in a bit of a low right now and focussing way too much on negatives so thanks for reminding me of that wonderful healing ‘magic’ that is always just there whatever you want to call it:)x

Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 3:54am

oops, it did that post twice thing again.sorry guys.

Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 3:55am

What a fantastic article kathleen.
I really needed to read this and the subsequent comments today.
Thank you so much.

‘I had spent my entire life rejecting the very reality I lived with, as well as living with the self-questioning insecurity of feeling like an unfinished, inadequate person.’ That really resonates. I think this is how I ‘live’, if you can call it that… of course there are factors, but… what kind of existance is this?

I have a very good friend, my best friend infact, we were once lovers until we turned into brother and sister. He and I have had some wonderful times and conversations over the years and we talk often on the blower and spend time together. I remember early on in our friendship when I discovered that despite his 1st degree in fine art his incredible talent as a photo realist painter and photographer of beautiful ‘moments’ he chose to work for very little as a teaching assistant and had no wish to do anything ‘grander’ , asking him why he didnt want to make ‘more’ of himself or have any ‘ambition’(blimey was I missing the point). He has many times since tried to explain to me that although he of course has the usual sadnesses and occasional lonlinesses as everyone else, he is conent with the here and now, with his ‘little’ life, finding beauty in the moments, and doesnt expend much energy on worrying about what he hasnt ‘done’ or ‘got’ or what he ‘ought’ to be.

I have to add – (unlike the self proclaimed personal Jesus that was the s/p creeazoid) He is not walking around in some blissed out state, he is not lazy, not arrogant, grandiose or selfish, just for the most part content with his here and now.

It is a quality in him that I am amazed by, that I am in love with, that I understand the power of, but have not yet developed properly within myself.

I know where it ‘lives’ and it IS within me, because I glimse it (when watch stars with my son, walk in fairy woods and other such places.lol!) I want to find my way closer to that place, live in it on a more full time basis and no longer in my personal purgatory ‘waiting’ for heaven to appear over the next big hill!

I know I am a bit of scatty waffler sometimes – but this is really powerful and timely stuff here for me today. Thank you, thank you once again LF-ers!:)x

Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 5:39am

blueskies, I’m so glad you found this at the right time for you.

I love the story of your friend. He sounds like someone I’d like to have as a friend. The fact that you two connect so well means a lot about you. I think you have that heaven inside of you, just waiting for you to clear the path. That’s what the business of healing really is, I think.

You made me laugh calling yourself “a scatty waffler sometimes.” Me too. I think one of my life challenges is to find the beauty in that.

Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 2:31pm

shabbychic says:

Kathleen: The zen calendar says (in part) “You must accept yourself as you are, instead of as you would like to be, which means giving up self-deception and wishful thinking.”

Is accepting yourself the same as loving yourself?

What if the person (ok, it’s me) sees herself as ugly… but others see her as pretty, or sees herself as fat… when others see someone with a nice figure?

I can TRY to not let myself be taken advantage of, maybe I finally faced the fear of rejection/abandonment, so I don’t have to fall prey to their every whim.

I don’t want it to be a self fulfilling prophesy that I never meet someone else because I think I’m too old and ugly. How do I get out of that? I want to put positive thoughts out to the universe, so I’ll get positive results back. Suitors aren’t exactly beating a path to my door.

Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 6:28pm

shabbychic,

That’s a great question. I think that the answer is that you have to accept yourself to love yourself. Acceptance comes first.

And sometimes that may involve some judgment, because we’ve been trained to think that way. We’re either beautiful or a slob. We’re either successful or lazy. We either whatever our list of “good things” are or we’re scum.

I know that one of my big attractions to my ex was that he was so cool. He really was. He had cool down pat. And, of course, he was very concerned about how I looked and acted if I was going to be with him, so he pushed me to make a lot of changes in some things. My hair, my glasses, my clothes, some of the language that I used. He also introduced me to a lot of music, film and books that I wasn’t so aware of (because he was 20 years younger then me and recently out of college).

But he was also very critical. Of my age, my weight, my work, my expectations of him, etc.

So after I got rid of him, because he was the worst person I’d ever met in terms of personal involvement, I still was carrying that influence. I liked the things about me that he liked or that he had changed, and I hated the things about me that he criticized. Everytime I looked in the mirror, I saw myself through his eyes, and measured how I looked by how he would see me.

When I got to this business of accepting myself, the first wave of it was just getting honest about what I was. My age, my weight, how I worked, the messiness of my life, that fact that I was not cool like him. All the things I was scared of and had been resisting. I just took a deep breath, and said, okay, all this is true. And for a while, to tell the truth, I probably thought a lot worse of myself than was absolutely true.

But I did it for a reason. I wanted to get free of his influence and be honest with myself. To stop trying to be someone I wasn’t. When people said nice thing to me that didn’t match my kind of negative-realistic view of myself, I said “thank you” but thought “yeah right.” And a few close friends, who knew what was going on, suggested that my view of myself at that time was more related to my life-long undervaluing of myself, than any objective truth. So I stored that away for later consideration, but continued to try to be ruthlessly honest about my shortcomings.

This phase didn’t last forever. Because when I stopped trying to see myself as other people saw me, and started just to see myself as I am, a kind of magical thing started to happen. I began to discover this new person in the mirror. And this is really hard to explain, but instead of seeing this superficial view of me that either did or didn’t match up to a whole lot of ideas I picked up in the world about what was good or attractive, I began to see this real person. Who wasn’t good or bad, attractive or ugly, young or old, but just real.

I could see my changing moods, the way my thoughts showed in my eyes, whether I was tired or upbeat, how healthy I was or wasn’t. And even that sounds like judgment, but it was it was just observation, friendly observation. I was getting to know myself and how I looked without matching myself up with anything else.

And that awareness was part of my deciding not only to just be myself but to allow myself to be who I wanted to be, whatever that was, depending on the day, the mood, the stresses, the satisfactions. I began to think about what I wore in terms of whether it pleased me, as well as what it communicated about me. I started thinking about what I was saying to people in terms of how it made me feel, as well as what I got back from them. And I started working on authenticity, instead of structuring myself around what people thought about me.

I know this a really long answer, and I’m not sure if it’s helpful. But maybe this will be. One of the things I discovered relatively quickly is that my relationships really got better. People were more attracted to me and more interested. I think it was because I wasn’t so stiff and careful, and because I start showing them who I am. The humor. The way I think. I became more spontaneous. In some ways more challenging, especially when I met someone who was trying to manipulate me.

And people responded. Of course, there were people who didn’t like me. There are always people who don’t like us. And the more comfortable and confident we get, the more we threaten certain people, as well as clarify our differences with people who are very rigid in terms of what they like or accept.

But you know, as one of my therapists once said, if they don’t like you when you’re pretending to be something else, they probably won’t like you when you’re not. So you might as well be honest about who you really are.

All that said, we may have to “try” a little, if we want to fit in with a certain group or if we’re trying to communicate with someone that we’re attracted to them. I know that I dress differently if I’m going out on a date with someone I have romantic or sexual interest in, than I do with someone who is a buddy. But I think that, too, is just a form of self-expression, being who I really am.

So, chic, I guess the end of this story is a few things. First, you are beautiful. Period. Second, accepting yourself may require you to get over some ideas that you have about what’s acceptable, but in the end, that acceptance will lead you to a kind of self love that makes you more attractive than looking like a model. And third, anyone who doesn’t accept you the way you are, especially in personal relationships, is someone who doesn’t “get” you.

If you’re really getting out in the world, and nobody gets you, then you may have to try to figure out what you’re doing that’s confusing them. But I don’t think that’s going to happen. Usually authentic people who are happy with themselves attract the same type of person. And that’s what you want.

If you need to do some positive visualizations, maybe that might be good subjecti matter. Imagining how that might be to be that kind person. And imagining what it might be like to spend some time with another one.

The really good people like you for yourself.

Namaste, chic.

Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 7:33pm

Thank you for answering! “my view of myself at that time was more related to my life-long undervaluing of myself, than any objective truth”… I’ve ALWAYS undervalued myself, that’s how I let myself get stomped all over like a doormat. I’ll print out your answer and read it several times so it all sinks in (into my thick skull).

“…but in the end, that acceptance will lead you to a kind of self love that makes you more attractive than looking like a model.” Ha! I’d rather look like a model… LOL

Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 11:59pm

Here’s an experiment I’ve been doing: every morning, I look at myself in the mirror — short and round — and I think of something funny until I laugh. It’s amazing: I watch myself become beautiful! Not “model” beautiful, but there’s really a profound change. I can see warmth and acceptance on my face, and how my eyes light up — and I carry that out into the world with me — which is getting interesting, because I’m in job search, and I’m scared.

I’m beginning to experience what Kathy described: I can see myself quite clearly now; just me, without making all those comparisons to flawless women in the adverts, about 7 feet tall and not a hint of a wrinkle. I let that go, and see me, just where I am as I am, and that’s a very good thing. I’m thankful, for instance, that everything still works, and I can do yoga and walk miles. I pay special attention to things I find that I enjoy; it wasn’t so long ago that I couldn’t list my preferences, cause even my likes were catered to pleasing others first. Not any longer.

I would really enjoy meeting a great guy, absolutely — but I’m so glad I finally met myself first! The peace and acceptance that I longed for and thought would come from another person was waiting for me all along, but I had to learn to recognize to it first. It’s with me, more and more frequently these days. I had to begin to take in that I’m worthy of love and attention, especially my own.

Saturday, 4 July 2009 @ 12:50am

geminigirl says:

Dearest Kathleen,your response to Kindheart on 1st July, could have been written for me, so I thank you! Im just beginning to realise that my Mum,[whom I adored} was a N. and an emotional manipulater. I was never allowed to get to know my dad, as he was HER daddy figure, so I always thought of him as cold and distant until he was quite old, and I realised he hadnt been given a chance to get close to me.My two brothers, now 68 nad 66, dont talk to me now either. The live in U.K, and Ive lived in Australia since 1973. I flew to UK in 1992 to visit with Mum,,83, who was in a very good old peoples home. My dad had died six weeks earlier. I wasnt able to go to his funeral, but sent a lovely poem about him Id written. I asked my brothers to read it at his funeral, they both refused,{I found out later.} On my flight to see Mum, she died when I was on the plane. So, I only got to see her in her coffin. When I arrived at Roberts home,{I was taken there by Bill, my younger brother}he insisted I go through Mums jewelery box, before Id even taken my coat off. It was December, and cold. I said,”Couldnt I just have a cup of tea first?’ I was still in shock about my Mums death, very shocked and sad. “No, he said,”Well do it now”. This truly was HELL. there I was, tears streaming down my face, and they were all laughing and joking as if I didnt exist!After a while, Robert took me into a back room, and left me there, like a pariah.No one came near me for half an hour. Finally Rob came in,”can I get you anything?” he said. “A hug would be nice!’ I said. he stood there like a ram rod and let me hug him, then kind of peeled me off, and said”I hope your not going to behave in this ridiculous way at the funeral!” Like what?” I said,”Crying, and making a fool of yourself!” It was beyond belief.I wasnt even allowed to cry for my own Mum. Id travelled all the way from Sydney, Australia. His wife, a hard faced B–tch took me the next day to see Mums body at the funeral parlour. All the way home in the car, she regaled me with stories of how my Dad tried to kick Mum, and she had to dodge his feet. {He had dementia by then}. “I really dont want to hear this!” I said. When I got back to Sydney, I wrote to Rob, saying how hurt Id been at his treatment of me. I havent heard from him from that day to this, since Dec. 1992. My other brother took his part, slagging me off for my “daft” letter.so, thats my charming family! Thank god for david, my new Iranian adult “kids”, and my few good friends, and not forgetting all you great and inspiring people on LF! Maia.XX {geminigirl}

Saturday, 4 July 2009 @ 3:28am

Oh Mia – This is the kind of treatment I get from my lot:( It always seems to be when there is a low point and when most would hope to be enveloped in the loving bosom of their family that they circle and ‘go in for the kill’. I am working on ways to emotionally detach from them, its not easy, but I will never be hurt again by their abuse or lack of love, no longer expect or want anything from them. I really feel for you.I am so glad you have a wonderful David and your wonderful new adult kids:)xxx

Saturday, 4 July 2009 @ 5:04am

Kathleen and Chic (I dont like the ’shabby’ part, IMHO it doesnt fit you and what I’ve seen of your wonderful spirit in your writing here!x;) your last few posts:- more ace, powerful, super- useful stuff x

Saturday, 4 July 2009 @ 5:30am

geminigirl,

Has it ever occurred to you that there’s distribution of labor in your family, and you get to carry the feelings?

So you look “daft” to them, because they deny their feelings. And they seem like mean-spirited or robot-cold people to you, because they refuse to relate to you on a feeling level and act superior because you have feelings at all. You getting your feelings hurt is just part of this dance.

I figured this out with my ex-S, some time after the relationship ended. That I was his emotional mule. I did all the feeling for both of us. Including the tears he couldn’t shed.

If this sounds right to you, here’s what you do. You just stop playing. Have your feelings. Recognize they’re emotional cripples. Say whatever you want to say them, but if it includes feelings, figure they’re going to react defensively and try to make you look wrong. If you want, point out the fact that it’s their problem that they don’t have normal human feelings. (But if you do, figure they’re going to argue with you, and tell you that you’re emotionally out of control.) But otherwise, just ignore anything they have to say on the topic. Because they’re going to do anything they have to do to keep you in the position of carrying the family feelings, so they can continue to avoid feeling that pain.

And perhaps, it might be a good idea for you to think about what this distribution of labor has done to you. While everyone else’s is clanking around with their stiff upper lips, with emotional spectrums basically limited to feeling superior, feeling angry, laughing at other people, feeling aggrieved, taking care of themselves, you’re the one who’s feeling the rest of it — the empathy, the sorrow, the feelings of helplessness, the concern and wish to help. And you’re feeling it alone in this family, and trying to hold up the “right” of it, while everyone else denies these feelings exist. Labeling you in ways that reinforce the whole dichotomy, and that give you little opportunity to exercise their side of the spectrum.

Do you understand how it can magnify these feelings in you, and discourage you from being more assertive and able to take care of yourself?

That’s how triangulaton works. People can make themselves feel better, or more bonded, by pointing fingers at a third-party and calling the third-party wrong. It’s a classic technique in dysfunctional families, and there’s usually a scapegoat child to help them avoid thinking about their own dysfunction.

You can’t change these people, but you can resign from the role. Just like you did with your daughters. And go ahead and develop the other side of you, the part that can feel anger clearly, that can laugh at the ridiculous behavior around you, and can take care of yourself.

A balanced personality can move easily from the empathetic to the self-interested on a second-by-second basis. Our first responsibility is to ourselves, as is everyone. You want to take care of things at that self-interested level, so you have the extra resources to spare for the risks and investments required to enjoy the good feelings that go with being empathetic. But keep your priorities in order.

It sounds like this family has trained you to be soft and giving without thinking of yourself. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. It is the only way you can ultimately be generous. (Unless you intend to bleed out all your resources as a “good” person, in hopes that some other good person who has some resources left will eventually show up and rescue you. A recipe for attracting new sociopaths into your life.)

So back to the family. You can stop participating in all this. Recognize that the family game is to make you the emotional one, and them right. Recognize that they don’t have to feel anything as long as they can make you do the emotional work. And just cut them off, until or unless they start being able to communicate on a feeling level. And meanwhile, take care of yourself.

You’ve taken a huge step in the last month. It’s a first step in creating the life you want. It shows you what you can do in terms of protecting and taking care of yourself. But it won’t be the last one. These experiences that feel sociopathic are messages from your survival system that you have more business that you need to take care of. You deserve to be happy and to have people around you that appreciate you for who you are AND behave fairly, honorably and responsibly.

Namaste and love –

Saturday, 4 July 2009 @ 6:21am

lostingrief says:

betty,
your post just made me cry and cry. how i would love to look in the mirror and not feel something other than disgust at what i have become in these past few years. aged 10 years, gained 50 lbs (or more), hair dried out, saggy skin, emotionless eyes. i don’t recognize myself.
but you’re right. and i’m going to try harder to find at very least my inner beauty. the outer beauty seems to be gone for good — it left with the spath-hole who told me that ‘you see, even though i always told you that you were beautiful … i never meant it!’
i’m not sure why, after a whole year of NC, he still holds my opinion of myself in his hands. i just can’t get past it … yet.
but you definitely inspired me to try, try, try again.
thanks.

Saturday, 4 July 2009 @ 12:42pm

Dear lostingrief; plus Kathy, I have a question,

I’ve cried bucketfuls of grief tears and healing tears, too. It’s necessary, but exhausting. Hope you will welcome this big (((e-hug))) coming right at you! I’m very pleased that anything I’ve said is helpful for you.

I know it’s difficult when someone you love says stuff like that to you, because my X did to me as well. I’ve been reminding myself that “he no longer gets rent free space in my head,” as someone wise on this site said. I’ll admit I still have to kick him out, sometimes frequently, but each time it gets a little easier.

Once, when I was feeling particularly unattractive (“fat and ugly”), I saw a group picture of the inhabitants of the northern Italian village where my family came from…and guess what? They were all of them short and round, too! Several of them had green eyes, and the same shade of brown hair as I do. Some were laughing, some of them almost flirting with the camera, some of them holding children, but they all looked engaged in life, and happy!

So what to do? Curse the media that says a woman only counts if she’s under 30 and built like a stick insect? Curse my former husband, and hope his present wife gains weight ’till she out classes the Hindenburg? OK, that was fun! But seriously: I saw I whole group of people who looked just like me — and they looked genuinely happy! So, what AM I gonna do about it?

I love Kathy’s notion of no judgments, here I am, just as I am. That is so helpful! And that inner beauty — that’s yours, Baby! You earned it. Me, too.

I want to ask Kathy, What makes it so hard for a loving person who values others to love him or herself, and why is it so easy to take care of others but not ourselves? It’s like I hit an inner roadblock when I’ve started doing that, so the going is strangely tough — when if I was doing these things for someone else, it’d be a piece of piffle. Old (powerful) habits?

For now, I think what’s next is some gardening, not of plants in this instance, but of us. We’re here, so we’re doing some healing work — that’s already good for the insides. Dried hair: my mom swore by mayonnaise as a treatment before shampooing. Baggy eyes: moist teabags over your lids and a listen to your favorite music. Dry skin: facial moisturizer, drink water, and get some vitamins. We all get older, unless we die, so that’s non-negotiable (Rats!) — but considering the choices, getting older is not looking so bad. Weight loss: nobody can loose 50 lbs at once (though I lost 195 lbs when I got divorced), BUT most of us can loose one pound a week. My personal favorite is walking, but what matters is finding something you enjoy doing.

These small kindnesses of taking care of ourselves — they seem so easy when you already feel great about yourself, when you have someone showering you with compliments — but they’re much more of an effort when your sad and hurting, and even more necessary. The gardening part is about nourishment and care, patience and time (and time takes time), but it’s worth it when you start to bloom again. Love, care, and time — that’s good method — add in resiliency, and you know it’s gonna happen!

I’m so glad we have each other here at LoveFraud — I’d never have made it through this far without this place and you guys.

All the best!
Betty

Saturday, 4 July 2009 @ 8:19pm

Dearest Kathy, Thank you, thank you! You have so much wisdom, Id never have thought of this “take” on my birth family, ie, they cant handle emotions, so like the scapegoat in the bible,they dump all the nasty, messy feelings that they cant handle on to me, and drive me into the wilderness, just like the israelites did with that poor goat!
Much great food for thought here. Im so thankful for your support, wisdom and kindness to me. Its not an easy time, going NC with my older daughter,{until and unless she respects my boundaries, which Ive spelled out to her.] As you said, if the girls come around, it will be gravy, {or the icing on the cake!!} This gets easier with every week that passes. I dont really miss her,-whats to miss? I know I have to survive and take care of myself first, build a great life with my darling husband, and with my new “adult kids”, Roya and Abbas, who are so loving and appreciative. My work at the respite care centre, where I am truly loved and appreciated. I dont owe my birth family or my daughters anything more. they have bled me dry for over 30 years.Thank you, and thanks to ALl you wonderful guys,! together,we can do anything!!! Love ,thanks,and Hugs, Maia.XX{geminigirl}Thanks also to blueskies, you are the best!!

Saturday, 4 July 2009 @ 9:15pm

Dear LIG, dear all. This site is so inspiring and helpful!

I would like to make a comment on weight. It was a “big” problem for me all my life, and in the end I found out it was protection made by my subconscious mind to protect and nourrish the inner child, and first of all to scare off men (my biggest danger). It is not necessary any more, as I can find other means of getting “soul food” and protect myself.

I started setting HEALTHY BOUNDARIES for myself by looking at myself and my body as being a home where my soul should feel comfortable living within. Then I discovered that I like my apartment be with high quality furniture an not filled with trash. I started to read labels, and stopped eating fast food, “hardened vegetable fat”, processed stuff with lots of E-Numbers, and in the end I spent less money on food as I shopped more prudent.
We have a “frust protection corner” in our office, very dangerous! I discovered that there are better ways of “frust protection” than eating and placating the bewildered inner child.

I started an Internet program counting calories. My program back here costs 120 $ a year, I found one for free.

http://caloriecount.about.com/

It is important that there is nothing forbidden, you just count calories, input/output, and exercising (output increased!) can make that you are able to eat more. In fact I just started exercising (gardening!, cleaning!) with this program. It is important to stop when you reach the calories amount you are supposed to eat daily, and so to SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES for yourself.

It works, and I am very glad I can have also my detours; when I go overboard caloriewise I can always find my way back to the healthy road. I know I am not healed from this addiction and I stick to the program quite faithfully. (Talk here about another pattern, aren’t we?)

I wish you all a relaxing weekend!

Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 3:23am

Dear libelle,

That is incredibly helpful!

Can’t wait to check it out!

Thank you so much!

Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 3:51pm

Happy Emotional Independence Day! The new article is posted.

And apologies for not being responsive to you excellent posts. I was trying to get this one finished. I think it’s related to exactly what you’ve been talking about.

Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 6:59pm

Dear BETTY!!!!

What a great post!!!! You are so right. It is all about how we look at things, not what the things “are.” My grandmother looked like an “apple doll” (the faces are carved in a peeled apple which is allowed to dry and wrinkle and turn brown) and I thought she was BEAUTIFUL, now that I am starting to look like her when I look in the mirror, I don’t see THAT face as so “beautiful” any more when it is on the front of MY skull! LOL

A friend of mine used to say “Pick your lovers by their personality not looks, IN THE END WE ALL LOOK LIKE YODA ANYWAY!” LOL

Loving ourselves how we ARE is IMPORTANT TO US, but also if we find something that we need or want to “change” (like weight or other things that might not be healthy) we need to do like Libelle says adn “set healthy boundaries” for ourselves!

Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 10:41pm

Dear Oxy,

You’ve had your usual effect on me, and I’m doing the Happy Dance!

BIGhugs,
Betty

Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 11:11pm

Vision says:

Hi again,

Amen to the above article on self love……

I did comment in a previous post in #11, I am returning for a few thoughts….I had been with someone for 6 months and had been reading here at Lovefraud…..and was able to help myself to see that I was involved in a bad relationship with a SP…..

I had not at the time totally cut it off…..He owes my $ and I see now that my choice has to be to forget the $…..

I am working on loving myself……I have to now give myself time to heal but also to love me…..I see that I had to stop believing in a lie….Not only in the liar, but the lie I told myself….that the person really wasn’t this way……that he really was good…..

I had to actually list and review all that had past, and I even tested it again, to actually feel and see that it was a lie…..Silly isn’t it??

I spent a few days sick to my stomach, then came some tears for me, not over him, but how I thought he was a good person, my pain…..then I forgave myself……I did spend a short time curled in a ball in bed and let myself feel the pain that I had ignored……

Each time he lied…..each time he let me down……I ignored it. Why I did this came to me when I stopped the madness….I wanted to believe in him and my choice…..For the first 2 months he didn’t do much wrong…..at least what I remember….and then came the unleashing of the predator….

I must have missed some things in the very beginning but soon after I started to sense something wrong, and then came the real red flags….I was in disbelief……good thing I kept reading here on this site…

I once read an article on loss……and there are 5 steps always in a loss……in any kind of a loss whether it is your expensive sunglasses or a loved one……

1. Shock…..Disbelieving……
2. Denial
3. Grief…..anger…..
4. Acceptance
5. Moving on

I am not an expert but from what I read, these steps will overlap and as we pass through each one we go back and forth a bit….but getting stuck in any stage is not a good thing…..

I believe healing would be under the acceptance step…..and moving on…..

I am still in between grief and acceptance to be totally honest.
Its like you see the monster but sit there saying, ” Well, wow, can it really be? Is this really so?”…..and maybe I kept on believing so I wouldn’t have to face the fact that I would have to suffer a loss, and be alone, and go through the pain of it all or even fear…
….a little crazy but perhaps true…..like the person who doesnt’ want to get that check with the doc being afraid of the diagnosis and what it will mean….fear of what it will mean…..

I am working on getting fully into acceptance of the “empty” part of my life….Empty without the facade of his “concern” which I believed……. I was believing a lie so therefore, my life was empty with him from the beginning…..The emptiness was there but now, I see it……it was always there…..

That doesn’t make me feel less sorrowful….I still feel a sense of loss……

So when examining my self love, I feel that:

If I love myself, I will not allow people to mistreat me….

If I love myself, I will make choices that will be good for me…

If I love myself, I wil give myself time and cherish my body, mind, spirit and soul….

I will forgive myself….

I will be more gentle with my beaten heart….

I will allow myself to hurt and to mourn…..

Facing my fears and loving myself will give me all the more courage to end the relationship for good…..

I haven’t done the NC as yet….He calls and I just listen a bit…..I haven’t answered his calls as before…..He only wants to talk about his problems…..So I only hear him saying, Blah,Blah I, Blah, Blah, I Blah, I ” and each time, I feel him becoming smaller and smaller…..just a small person…..

We agreed not to see each other anyhow….He only wants to be a friend….I told him that I can’t be his friend really….he begged me to stay a friend…..that he didn’t have many…..I didn’t care but just stopped answering for a while….I know NC is good for most situations andt this is fizzling out and I didn’t want any drama….

With the pattern of the last 6 months so habituated with me, I am trying to start a new and fresh way for me to go…..I have formulated a schedule for my free time…..always busy with new and good things to do…..and that includes gym workouts which make my feel wonderful……and new places of interest on weekends……helping out others……etc…..It does take a positive work to get out of this horrible and lonely trap I was in and it is hard for me since I am a person who can easily go into a semi- self destruct……drinking, cigarettes, and wallowing…..nothing harder but that is bad enough……Why do certain people when bad things happen to them want to go and destroy or hurt themselves?

Because they don’t love themselves enough? That is why I loved this article above on self love……

Thanks for listening….again!

Monday, 6 July 2009 @ 12:59pm

Vision, thanks for this wonderful post. It’s encouraging that you’ve been able to cry over this. Mourning means that you’re accepting the reality, even if you don’t want to. None of us wants to accept this reality.

I don’t know if you’ve been reading this whole series. But it’s actually an extension on the Kubler-Ross grief model, which is the five steps you mentioned. I think that grief is the turning point in our healing, when we stop thinking about them, and start thinking about us and what we can get out of this experience.

And I agree with you that we often do a lot of pieces simultaneously. I suspect that we’re working on different things. Like part of what we’re working on is about the S, and whether he’s really like that (because it has larger implications about the world we live in). And part of it is about our relationship with ourselves. And there are lots of layers and events to process, which are more or less challenging, but it keeps us busy for a while.

One of the reasons that this series is longer than five articles for the five steps is because I think this recovery process is both more challenging for us than a simple loss, and also provides us with an amazing opportunity to grow and change our lives. So that’s what this series is about — taking the trauma and loss and literally turning it inside out to be a gift.

Given where you are, you might check out the next article on emotional freedom. It might help you feel better about what you’re doing, and give you some internal ammunition to cut him off.

BTW, I love your name.

Monday, 6 July 2009 @ 3:59pm

Thank you Kathy, for the kind words of encouragement…

I will read the whole series as you suggest and the next article as well….I have read much here since this year, January…..I started with a few articles and then the comments….

It is so good to be able to talk and get such love and support…from those who have gone through this and can extend their hands…

Means never being alone through the healing…..We have a safe place to come and talk and grieve and laugh and love…..Thank God for that!!

Kathy, I liked the analogy of purgatory…..sort of a middle hell…..and I know exactly what you meant about the living the fake life waiting for the real one….I felt like I was in “limbo”…sort of held up, and nothing can be done until another action happens. Actually, Limbo and purgatory are quite the same…..good one!!

Thanks about my name…A vision is a stronger then just a dream…its about seeing and not just imagining…..makes me feel strength…

Monday, 6 July 2009 @ 9:43pm

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After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 12 – Reclaiming Self-Love

71 Comments to “After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 12 – Reclaiming Self-Love”

James says:

Kathleen Hawk says:

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Betty says:

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lyj Joy says:

Steve Becker, LCSW says:

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truebeliever says:

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robincandor says:

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justabouthealed says:

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