New research says sharks hunt like serial killers
A paper recently published in the Journal of Zoology says that great white sharks hunt in a highly focused fashion, just like serial killers.
According to a report on ScienceDaily.com, the researchers used geographic profiling—a criminal investigation tool used to find serial killers based on the locations of their crimes—to examine how the hunting patters of great white sharks off the coast of South Africa.
Sharks establish well-defined hunting bases in strategic locations. The researchers noticed that smaller sharks searched further, and had less success, than larger sharks. They surmised that great white sharks refined their search patterns with experience, and concentrated their hunting in locations with the highest probability of success.
For more information on the study, read Geographic profiling works: Great white sharks’ hunting skills as refined as Jack the Ripper’s.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
Hecates path says:
Although I have this feeling about most everything I read on LF, once again I have to say that’s a very interesting study! It made me think of something that I have pondered before… given evolution theories, (and in this case the theory that humans evolved from sea life?) it seems as if the predatory “traits” we see in sociopaths/psychopaths, would have been valuable traits for our earliest anscestors. And, while humans, in general, have evolved, those traits that have served sociopaths well throughout history, of course, have been passed on in their gene pool. I think of ADHD the same way… at some point in history the ability to not be too focused on any one thing and be constantly aware ( which we now call distracted) of everything in your surroundings was probably a valuable trait. So given all that, for a percentage of the human race, sociopathic traits “worked” and were maintained and the rest of us evolved… I bet somewhere someone studying brain evolution could either prove this or has proven it, since I vaguely remember some article stating the brains of S/Ps are visibly different…
I’m not supposed to be posting until I tell my story, LOL, so please excuse my lapse in doing so ! But, since I am here I have a question and a couple comments:
Kathleen Hawk – may I ask how long you have been in recovery since your experience with the sociopath? Your insight and ability to weave it all together are inspiring and helpful.
Matt – haven’t “seen” you around lately, so I hope that you are OK and that the family situation is manageable for you right now… and I echo the comments of all those who think your advice to others is priceless and you should write a book or be an advocate of some sort! I googled your quote about sunlight being the best disinfectant and really enjoyed reading about the source of the quote Justice Brandeis.
To everyone else walking the path of recovery keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember that ” a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step!”
Have a great day everyone!
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Wednesday, 24 June 2009 @ 10:36am
redheeler says:
Makes perfect sense. Explains why some sociopaths are afflicted with the “big fish in a little pond” syndrome.
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Wednesday, 24 June 2009 @ 11:02am
James says:
Having watched a few documentaries on sharks and the many different kinds of sharks has been interesting. One thing stated was how sharks are evolved to do but two things which is to survive and pass along its genes: 1) hunt and 2) reproduces.
That’s all sharks do they eat and make little baby sharks. They have no social life or group need to co-exist and in fact will attack each other in mistake of prey in a feeding frenzy. These are lonely creatures in the deep blue sea and if they stop swimming (forcing water through their gills for oxygen) will die. But for evolutional standards they are perfect killing machines.
Also of interest to me is how dolphins had been known to attack and kill sharks. Dolphins being a very social creature and reported to be a very highly intelligent creature and have a social network set in place for the survivor of the specie. Reports have been reported that dolphins have saved drowning young children by pushing the child to the surface (for air) as they do with they own baby dolphins. Another interesting like about dolphins is how they are one of the few creatures other then men that as juvenile dolphins will have sex for fun.
Thanks Donna and a very interesting subject.
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Wednesday, 24 June 2009 @ 11:50am
Rosa says:
That’s why it is a good idea to stay out of the bars and nightclubs, if you are looking for real love or a long, healthy relationship.
And they don’t have to be serial killers to be really dangerous.
From my own personal experience, bars and clubs are prime hunting grounds for “great white sharks”, if you know what I mean.
Granted, they are EVERYWHERE, but the clubs on a Friday or Saturday night are usually crawling with predators.
That’s where I met mine.
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Wednesday, 24 June 2009 @ 11:59am
James says:
(Another interesting like about dolphins is how they are one of the few creatures other then men that as juvenile dolphins will have sex for fun.)
Sorry should have type: “other then us”
Sorry ladies…..
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Wednesday, 24 June 2009 @ 12:11pm
James says:
Rosa
Have to agree with you, finding a life partner in a bar isn’t how I would want to remember our first encounter. In fact I have never “pick up” an woman in a bar. Met a lot of good friend but that’s about it.
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Wednesday, 24 June 2009 @ 12:15pm
OxDrover says:
When I was in South Africa in the 1960s, the beaches where we swam were surrounded by nets to keep the sharks out. There was also a learning and research center there in Durbin on the sharks and their predation.
Interesting to me though, was that the nets were NOT a big circle, with the ends coming up to the beach, but instead just strung out in FRONT of the beach with both ends OPEN. Every day the boats would go out to remove the sharks caught in the net, and more were caught in the beach side of the net, than in the ocean side of the net….so the sharks WERE in the water on the beach side of the net, but there would be NO attacks as long as the net was in place. I found that very VERY interesting, and I quit going into the water over knee deep after that! LOL
Then I got stung by a jellyfish called a “blue bottle” that has tenticles 50 ft long though it is the size and shape of a coke bottle, so I quit going into the water all together when we were in town and could go to the beach. I just hung out on the sand and in the sun (didn’t know about sun screen back in those days!) until I was the color of saddle leather!
Hecates, glad you are here and you are not “required” to post your story if you do not wish to as a prerequisite for posting. Glad you did post though, as your ideas are quite interesting to me and I agree that the P-genes have at some time in our human history confered a benefit in terms of survival or they would not have persisted. I can definitely see how in a tribal situation for our cave-living ancestors where food was in short supply much of the year that the P would still eat even if every one else starved, and also see that the P would have sired more children as well, simply by FORCE if no other way.
As civilization “advanced” I can also see that groups led by Ps who were “in control” would prey on other groups who were not so violent, and again, garner more food and more women, to better pass on their genetic material and survive.
The biggest, meanest SOB on the “block” would get more food and get more women than the less violent or more empathetic males. It has only been in the last 100 years with advancement of technology so food can be preserved 12 months of the year that anyone on the planet has had a balanced and sufficient diet….in 1905 my own great grandmother died of a niacin deficiency from living on “meat (salted pork), Meal (corn) and molasses” 8 or 9 months out of the year and not having a sufficency of fresh meat or vegetables.
Dr. Leedom I think mentioned in another thread that there is evidence that in “public housing” in England that 25% of the children there are sired by psychopaths. In our own country, I think that number is probably at least equal or more so with about 90% of children born to teenaged mothers being reported as illegitimate (which I would say would predispose those children to a life of dysfunction, if not other problems, as well, such as probably poverty, lack of educational availabiity, etc.)
But I guess I am a judgmental old biddy thinking that a child should be conceived and raised by TWO parents who are ADULTS and emotionally bonded together and to the child for best results….not to say that a single parent can’t raise children successfully, I have been a single parent myself due to a divorce not of my own doing or choosing.
As many of you who have been here a while know that I do have one biological son who is a flaming psychopath, and one that is not, but I do not “blame” my son being a psychopath on how he was raised, but basic bottom line, it is the genetics I passed on to him from my father, and the genetics passed on to him from his fraternal grandfather who I believe was also a psychopath.
I am glad, however, that I have NO biological grandchildren. My P son has been prevented from siring any by being in prison his entire adult life, and my other son has chosen NOT to have children….which I fully support his choice, though I would LOVE to have grandchildren, I think that the genetics in our family make it way too risky.
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Wednesday, 24 June 2009 @ 12:28pm
sabrina says:
Oxy- Wow, you really gave us some real education here with your post.Loved it!! This entire thread has been very useful. AND you said (previously on another blog) that you couldnt find your brain.. aww come on , their overrated anyways. Mine went M.I.A. years ago,besides, any more intelligence here, and I couldnt keep up-must keep it simple for the blonds like me! xoxo,,Sabrainiac
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Wednesday, 24 June 2009 @ 2:35pm
KATYA says:
Matt, Oxy, Erin, James, ANewLily – I think I mentioned the veterans, did not mean to leave anyone out. I don’t think I am at liberty to give details, but wanted to touch upon the criminal aspect, and it seems to be the topic of this article. I am finding out a lot of discrepancies through the process of discovery and they are mind shuddering. I am more and more certain of criminality of a certain someone. In the presence of all the questions and incongruencies, and in the absence of data, when do you think the authorities become interested?
My pocket is being sucked dry and I was hoping for more capable institutions to continue my investigation that seems now to be far beyond just a civil matter. Has anyone on this site dealt with a similar issue?
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Wednesday, 24 June 2009 @ 7:16pm
Escapee says:
Rosa
Bars – Yuk!
I didn’t meet the S in a bar but I might as well have!
Found out later that these were his ‘hunting grounds’ while he was ‘just playing darts with the boys’ etc. while the ’stable’ partner (me) was safely tucked up at home – my brother, brother-in-law, son and 2 close family friends (both male) thought he was a ’slimeball’ on sight – as I have said before, other men are better at spotting the ‘male predator’ than women. Fully intend to elect a committe to of males to advise me if I am ever foolish enough to dip my toe in the water again! Wish they’d all told me at the time!
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Wednesday, 24 June 2009 @ 7:33pm
Escapee says:
Rosa
as a proviso – I mean ‘decent’ men – to have on my committee – there are still some around – would hate to insult anyone on this site!
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Wednesday, 24 June 2009 @ 7:35pm
Rosa says:
Escapee:
We have a saying where I live. It goes like this, “If you meet your man in a bar, that is where he will spend all of his time.”
It is true.
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Wednesday, 24 June 2009 @ 7:40pm
Escapee says:
Rosa
Once again! You are a funny funny woman. That one is definitely going on one of my ‘post it’ notes!
Night night Sassy lassy! (It’s late on UK time).
All love, Escapee
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Wednesday, 24 June 2009 @ 7:54pm
Hecates path says:
Ox drover,
ITA with Sabrina about your additional information and thoughts posted above… very interesting and thoughtprovoking. I find I feel that way about most of your posts… each day I log in I look forward to the commentary that you and so many others offer. Not only does it help me stay the course but it also makes me think in new and profound ways, so thank you to you and so many others. BTW, I prefer to think of you as a wise sage rather than an “old biddy”… and your “old biddy” comment made me chuckle cuz I had this vision a mother hen running around wielding (sp?) a skillet down on the farm!
The “requirement” that I post my story is self imposed, LOL, because I felt guilty posting here without first sharing my story since I find so much strength in the personal stories here which have served as an introduction to each of you. I felt a little hypocritical knowing so much about so many of you without sharing first. Thank you just the same though Oxy, for the reminder that it isn’t a requirement. I have started writing my story, but given my long winded, english teacher style, LOL I think I am going to save what I have written thus far, (might turn into a decent book someday, and I can thank the S/P in the dedication for giving me such fodder to write about LOL) and try to write a more condensed version to post. If I don’t, Donna might need to post ” my letter to love fraud” it in weekly installments…
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Wednesday, 24 June 2009 @ 11:14pm
Escapee says:
Hecates
Whenever and if ever you are ready buddy! I have found it very cleansing and the feedback from others here on LF has helped me get my life kick-started again. I know I can’t get back to the person I was 5 years ago (before the S) but at least I am emerging from the darkness of the wreck I was 12 months ago. It’s all very healing.
Things is, I came on this site not knowing what I wanted from it, didn’t even give it any thought – didn’t expect or want anything really – NOW I’m thinking and that’s all thanks to the generosity of others in opening their hearts and stories.
Hope you get what you need from LF – all good wishes.
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Thursday, 25 June 2009 @ 5:57am
OxDrover says:
Dear Hecates,
IF you post, it is more for your benefit than for ours. My opinion on the posting is that when we post our story and others VALIDATE it emotionally, by a simple “I’m sorry you had to endure that” rather than a “Oh, get over it already, it’s been six months!” (I wonder how many of us have heard the last line? LOL)
If you are at a point that you don’t NEED that validation for YOURself, then “save it” for the book. Many of us, and I am one, came here had to post for the validation, to get our heads right that it was happening! did happen! etc.
Thank you for the kind comments, I think I am starting to get on my “high horse” some times with my opinons, like an “old biddy” I iam becoming more opinonated as I get older, and maybe that’s good, but sometimes maybe not. (((hugs))))
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Thursday, 25 June 2009 @ 6:48am
Escapee says:
Hey Oxy
Sounds like maybe you needed to be on that “high horse” – you can always sit a bit lower in the saddle if it starts to feel uncomfortable!
I think you have found the right mix of true empathy for others and ‘telling it like it is” when needs be.
I like your candour.
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Thursday, 25 June 2009 @ 7:08am
OxDrover says:
Dear Escapee,
Thank you sweetie! I better get off the blog now and go out and take my goats to pasture this morning before it gets to 100 degrees with 99% humidity. Been to hot to ride the jack asses or the horse! I got a new horse day before yesterday, but I think I will stick with riding the mammoth asses as they are smoother and not quite as far to fall! That’s the problem with being on a “high horse” sometimes it is a looooong way down! LOL ESPECIALLY WITH YOUR FOOT (OR FEET) IN YOUR MOUTH! I’ve been THERE too! LOL (((hugs))))
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Thursday, 25 June 2009 @ 7:17am
Tilly says:
“It might also suggest that larger sharks competitively exclude smaller sharks from the prime hunting areas”. This is EXACTLY what the the criminal psychopath murderers do! And I watched a 37 year old prostitute yesterday bash up two new prostitutes who had no idea it was her territory. I stood and watched from my window. I know the 37 year old prostitute and I had no intention of stopping a shark from killing other potential sharks.
One day i will be able to afford to move.
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Friday, 26 June 2009 @ 6:03pm
DREAMER says:
To Katya – if you are finding lots of discrepancies and think you might want to contact authorities, DO IT. If there is any kind of possibility on your part, you need to cover your back with information into the police, etc. If you are talking now and they investigate later you are less likely to be considered one of the ‘bad guys’. I’m having to contact the FBI and all sorts of state agencies to tell them what I know about P’s fraud, even though I’m afraid I’ll get hurt for talking. I’m more afraid of being considered bad just by reason of association.
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Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 10:43am
henry says:
‘If you meet your man in a bar that is were he will always be’ BINGO same goes for other undesirable meeting places such as the internet and dating sites….I have a crush on a guy that works at Petsmart – I have been in there so much, have bought enuff dogfood to last 6 months, he is always so friendly and smiles this big smile, even asked my name and shook my hand – but maybe he is just freindly to everybody – I am afraid to ask him if he is gay, I am pretty sure he is, my gaydar goes off, but what if I am wrong? Or maybe I am afraid of rejection ….oh my, think I will become a dolphin….
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Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 12:36pm
Rosa says:
Henry:
When I meet a man who I am really attracted to, I will say something like, “I love your suit, does your wife dress you?”
He will either say “Yes, my wife dresses me” or he will say “No. I am not married”.
Maybe you could ask the guy at PetSmart a non-threatening question that will pin him down regarding his status????
For example, if you go in there on a weekend, and he is working, say something like, “You are stuck working on the weekend? I bet your wife hates that.” He will either answer about his wife, or he will say, “No, I am not married”, or he will say, “I’m not straight, I’m gay”, which would be music to your ears.
Just a suggestion.
P.S. Have you looked for a wedding ring? But, a lot of men do NOT wear wedding rings, so you cannot really go by that. I operate on the assumption that all men are married, engaged, or living with someone unless they tell me otherwise.
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Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 1:48pm
justabouthealed says:
Hope someone starts a blog in the media section about the S. Carolina governor. The cheapness of this millionaire, his sense of entitlement, the lies, the inability to maintain good behavior, the arrogance about what he thought he could get away with….all sounds too familiar. Just wondering….seems like at least a Narc. and I would GUESS this is not the only woman in his past.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06.....8dowd.html
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Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 2:36pm
justabouthealed says:
Also, of course I’m cynical now, but I think there was no 8 year friendship, I think there was an 8 year flirtation. The p/s/n I was involved with kept testing the waters for 40 years until he caught me at a weak time. And I don’t buy that he is/was “in love”, no matter what he told anyone. I realize it is unfair to speculate because we don’t know the details, but most of what I heard is a whole lot of red flags. I think he just hadn’t reach the devalue stage yet. But again, unfair to say!
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Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 2:50pm
endthepain says:
Henry..your comments always make me laugh..THANK YOU!! I have been trying to get in to the place of acceptance which I have drifted in and out of it seems MANY times….I did meet my S at a bar..it was kareoke night..and like a dumbass..I believed him when he told me it was the first time he had been there….for me it was the truth..but anyhoot…the flags were flailin and I STILL set sail..all I can do is take oewn my responsibilty for allowing things to go the way they did..Im gald I kicked him to the curb finally..I just fel soory that we have a 3 yr old in thr midst of it….dont get me wrong..I love him to death..I just would never wish this on a child or anyone for that matter….
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Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 3:01pm
Rosa says:
EndthePain:
“the flags were flailin and I STILL set sail.”
I love it!!!! Me too.
I had my yachting cap on, and I was SURE that I was on an unsinkable ship.
Little did I know that I was going to hit an iceburg, and everything would turn TITANIC on me!!!
But, my heart will go on.
(without him)
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Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 6:05pm
harmony says:
Dear Katya and Dreamer
I have walked in both of your shoes. It is not enough to go to authorities and tell your stories of criminality. I did that and was more or less told i was ‘mad’. Let me tell you i was ‘mad’ because nobody listened to me. If the authorities had of chosen to look years ago, i told them where to find the evidence. The were not interested unless i could provide evidence. The evidence had unfortunately been lost. Surprisinly after a few years the lost information was found, which has now been forwarded to authorities.
I was not concerned about my part in any of the activities as i was unknowingly involved. I needed to ease my conscience. I believed any repurcussions of my disclosure were justified on my part. At least i could sleep at night.
Two months on and still no answer from authorities. Im not sure they even care. I am talking a minimum half a million dollars worth of fraud, an apparent murder i was informed about and much, much more.
You must have evidence to be taken even slightly seriously by the authorities. You then must take into account revenge by the PS or N. You must be prepared to accept any consequences from your own involvement (knowlingly or not).
My recovery has ben 4 years and my high values have returned (the values that the PS & N slowly managed to subtly deconstruct in me) . I am prepared for the above knowing i have done the right thing. I am prepared to take responsibilities for my actions.
Think carefully and make sure you have evidence.
Best wishes in your choices.
Henry and Tilly thanyou for you kind words of reassurance last month.
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Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 7:03pm
Done says:
Rosa,
Reading your posts in this thread really cheered me up, thanks!
I squeezed out a couple of tears earlier today and was feeling like no matter what I do I just can’t get away from the thoughts of the S. I am just soooo tired of thinking about him but every time I’m not engaged with something those thoughts come back. It’s exhausting because I am in ‘go! go! go!’ mode all the time to escape thinking of him, and then when I try to relax the thoughts come back and I spend my energy attempting to fight them off. No wonder I’m so drained!
I’m also having a hard time with the ‘being discarded’ part today. I am happy to be NC, but part of me can’t believe he hasn’t tried to contact me. It will be two months NC on Saturday and this is the longest we have ever not spoken since we met over 10 years ago. I try to ignore it, but sometimes that little voice saying ‘How could he just drop me after everything we’ve been through and seemingly not give it a second thought?’ comes back to haunt me.
Anyway, feeling better after reading what everyone has shared. All the days can’t be good days I suppose.
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Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 8:32pm
Rosa says:
Done:
I am so happy if I was able to cheer you up, even if it was just a little bit.
Tilly & I need our comedy fix, or we will go crazy!
P.S. Without laughter, I would be popping my Grandma’s Lexapro like M&M’s.
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Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 8:53pm
justabouthealed says:
Done, Actually I’m impressed that after 2 months of NC you are so far along! You are moving much faster than I did. So congratulate yourself. It will get better. It has been just over two years of no face to face contact, and about 1 and a half since we last talked. You know, they just change the channel. Their emotions are just an inch deep. We hurt and grieve the loss of the love that was REAL on our end, because we are GOOD people, capable of truly loving. He can drop you “just like that” not because of anything you did, but because of who HE is. It is no reflection on you.
Good for you for keeping busy. Yes, I know that exhaustion. And you are drained because you have been emotionally raped. It will get better. You are doing all the right things.
Hugs!
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Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 8:57pm
Done says:
Rosa,
Yes thank God for laughter, and that my Grandma locks up her pills!
justabouthealed,
Don’t give me too much credit, even though it’s only been 2 months NC, I have known for years that something was just not right. It took me that long to finally make up my mind to have NC, and really he made up my mind for me. If he hadn’t announced that he was “in love” with this woman he was apparently sleeping with I most likely would be living with him and that underlying feeling of guilt/self disgust due to settling.
I know he has shallow emotions, but it would be nice to hear from him. Not actually hear from him, but to see his # on the caller ID. In the past when I tried to leave he would always sneak back in and has never gone this long without calling. I just can’t believe he hasn’t tried to call. I guess it means him and his new gf are ‘happy’. I will count it as a blessing, and tell my hurt ego to toughen up. It hurts when I start to doubt myself, thinking things like ‘what if he really CAN love and just doesn’t love me, and is happy with the new girl?’
Also, we always used to fight about sex. He would make up all kinds of excuses not to have sex it used to baffle me, I’m 10 years younger than him, and I may not be a model, but I can turn some heads and for him I was the best he could ever hope for (except his new gf has bigger boobs even though she’s 20 years older than me yuk). So anyway, I think that was his way of devaluing me, because it would make me very insecure and rejected feeling to have to beg for sex all the time. Point of all this is, the last time we spoke he told me that “A-He was in love with this other woman, B-He never had any fun when he was with me (sure seemed like it when he was living off my dime) and C- That the reason that he never wanted to have sex with me was because he didn’t find me attractive.
So I try to brush those things off as just a few more lies, but sometimes I wonder if maybe he just didn’t love me anymore, and that his new girl is more attractive and fun to be around and that he doesn’t miss me (that’s true I know) and that maybe I’m just making up this S thing in my head as a defense mechanism so I don’t have to deal with the reality of being rejected.
Also since NC I have gained nearly 10 pounds, and since I moved here to be with him I had already gained 10 just from the stress of him…so that’s 20 pounds I’ve put on this year. I know it will take months to lose it, and I feel so disgusting, which feeds the thoughts about being unattractive to him, which in turn makes me feel like eating EVERYTHING!
Does anyone else suffer from the emotional eating thing? Any tips? I had been doing so well until all of this and I feel like I’ve backtracked in several aspects of my life. I’d hate to run into him somewhere and have him see me all fat and icky. That would be the icing on his S cake.
Arhg if I could only shut off my brain!
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Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 9:59pm
henry says:
Done – When my X left me, or lets say when I kicked his butt too the curb, I changed phone numbers, not only to prevent him from calling me but also to prevent me from sitting and waiting on him to call, I think it would of been worse had I known he didnt call at all. So I knew I had to do this to begin healing from years of (something isn’t right). Your X does not love this girl with big boobs, he just went to someone new that does not know he is empty and shallow. If anything they get bored with us, they never had intentions of being with us forever, just until we see them for what they are and then they move on to greener pastures and they will graze that green grass until the pasture is bare and then on to the next and the next. I know how you feel about not believing he didnt love you, well guess what – he didnt, but dont take it personal, youwere just at the right place at the wrong time. I too get weary of him still in my mind but if I could just turn off the thoughts of him and the feelings I had for him then I would be just like him.
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Tuesday, 30 June 2009 @ 11:16pm
Done says:
Thank you Henry. I’ll consider changing my number. I hate to do that bc I’ve had it since 1998 and that would be a lot of people to notify. I know you are right that he never loved me, and doesn’t love the new girl–but sometimes it’s easy to still be upset that he didn’t.
In the mean time, I have found something else to worry about. I think that my boss has it in for me. I had a review yesterday and she made all these claims, when I asked her to provide specific examples she was unable to. She also stated that I had a good attitude and performed at a consistent level, met all deadlines etc. but made other contradictory statements. Long story short my probation has been extended, if I can’t figure out how to make her happy I guess I may need to look for a new job in six months. If that happens, I will definitely move out of this city and far away from the S. I’m so frustrated because I don’t know how to improve at my job without any feedback, and I think that it is personal. I don’t know if I should just work my ass off for the next six months and hope I keep my job, or give up and start looking now. If it’s personal I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do, and I don’t know if I should talk to her superiors about my suspicions or if she’d find out and it’d be more awkward.
I just mention this bc I am already exhausted from dealing with the S, I don’t know how much more I can deal with. If she knows she doesn’t want me for this job I wish she’d just tell me now instead of keep me hanging for six more months.
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Thursday, 2 July 2009 @ 12:35pm
James says:
Done,
Know how hard it can to change yet another part of our life albeit a phone number job etc..
We must do this to separate ourselves from that which is making us weak and emotional sick at times but still wonder why we need to do it all and yet so little about them changes. In fact so many times they go down their little path of life with little or no change at all. Maybe a new source but that’s about it. Just like when we were with them, we had to carry the ball of responsibility, cleaning up their messes behind them while at the same time dealing with our personal struggles. But each door we do close if we make sure it stay closed we gave yet a little more peace a little more distance and a little more self-esteem.
I too see change in my horizon soon, a new town a new job but if I keep my eye on the prize I know in the end I will triumph knowing God is with me and that my children are at my side.
Good luck Done!
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Thursday, 2 July 2009 @ 3:27pm
OxDrover says:
Dear Done,
I am a retired Registered Nurse Practitioner (advanced practice nurse) and yes, STRESS DOES MAKE US EAT MORE, but it will also make you gain “fat” molecules adn loses muscle tissue. In fact, research with mice has shown that with the same number of calories and the same amount of exercise that stressed mice will gain weight around their mid section.
The hormones of stress cause our bodies to change in many “strange” ways and not any of them good (at least in the long term). Research has shown that stress decreases our life span, craps out our immune system, messes with all kinds of balances in our bodies and generally messes us up physically and mentally….I felt that I was somewhat immune to othis because I knew all about it, but believe me, I AM A LIVING EXAMPLE OF WHAT STRESS WILL DO TO YOUR MIND AND BODY. Take it easy on yourself! DE stress as much as possible.
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Thursday, 2 July 2009 @ 4:03pm
Done says:
Thanks James,
It is helpful to ‘keep my eye on the prize’ and I share the belief that it will be okay in the end.
OxDrover,
My mom is a nurse and I know about the stress/fat thing. I think I mentioned before that my hair actually fell out I was so stressed, it is amazing how destructive it can be. I guess I need advice on how to DEstress. Especially now that I feel as I’ve just been fired from my job, but they still expect me to work another months. I have NEVER been in trouble at a job, at school, etc. Never got a bad review, and NEVER had to fear for my job before. I really think this woman has already made up her mind to let me go six months from now and I don’t know what to do next. I love my job, now I’m afraid to go in on Monday. I think normally I would be able to better deal with a difficult boss, but I already have been emotionally sucked dry by the S, I don’t know if I have the energy to deal with another difficult person at work. =(
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Thursday, 2 July 2009 @ 9:18pm
Matt says:
Done:
I have been reading your post on the fly. One thing that came to me from a legal standpoint. You should bring up, in writing, the point that you have requested from your supervisor, and thus far not received, constructive criticism, on ways to improve your job.
You should file this in response to your review. If you have already filed your review, send in the response, by certified mail to make sure it is in your file. I was given this advice by my employment lawyer (yes, even lawyers need them sometimes) because you need to start laying some kind of employment discrimination foundation if you think they are gunning for you. Also, the letter will definitely get their attention and make them think twice if they are gunning for you, since the first thing your employer’s employment attorneys will tell them is “she’s been to see an employment lawyer.”
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Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 7:59am
Done says:
Matt,
Part of the problem is she didn’t even have me sign the review. I have the copy she gave me, but I don’t know who I would file my response with. I don’t feel like it would be safe to give it to my boss, and am afraid to go to her boss. I feel like this whole thing started when I confronted my boss about a mistake she made. I was very careful when I confronted her, but I feel like since that day she has had it in for me, like she was mad that I questioned something she had said and ended up being right.
I wasn’t even asked to sign the review, do you think it would be smart to go to human resources or employee relations with my statement, so that it doesn’t look like I’m going over her head, but then they would have that info if she does end up letting me go after the six months?
Also, I know that there is an intern they had before I took the job that graduates in December. I don’t have any proof, but just a feeling that she might be extending my probation so that she can fire me in December and hire him, but doesn’t fire me now because she needs me.
Thanks in advance for any advice!
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Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 11:16am
justabouthealed says:
If you are going to do anything, go to an employment lawyer. Unless you are working in a progressive gov’t office or something, usually the human resources or employee relations dept. is actually on the side of the employer, not you. My friend who filed a response to her review (doesn’t matter if you signed it or not, that’s just another thing she did wrong), got fired a few days later. And it was a VERY professional response, with no blaming, just stating verifiable facts, and ended with optimism about the future. THEN she got a lawyer, and a settlement.
But Matt is right, I think. If you are going to do anything, go to an employment lawyer. The lawyer will advise you if you should go to hr before s/he sends a letter. But you need legal help. You are describing a “hostile work environment” which is also grounds for consulting an employment lawyer, regardless of your review.
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Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 12:13pm
justabouthealed says:
Oops…didn’t mean to come across so “bossy”. You will need to do what your heart tells you. Sometimes we just aren’t “up” to do battle. I’m just passionate because of what my friend went through.
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Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 12:15pm
Done says:
Justabouthealed,
I didn’t even notice any ‘bossy-ness’ so no worries. I just really LOVE my job, my company is consistently on the Fortune Top 100 list and I have great benefits and love my work. I kind of want to cross my fingers and think that maybe she doesn’t have it in for me, maybe I just need to work harder, but after everything, if I’ve learned anything it’s that I should trust my intuition more. It’s very depressing for me to have to accept that I might be forced out of a job that I love. But I guess I wouldn’t want to continue working there anyway if my boss hates me. Bleah. Anyway I’d like to think that my boss’s superiors would look at my response with an open mind, but maybe that is naive of me.
My dad suggested just writing my response, and getting it notarized so that if I do get fired in 6 months I will have some recourse. I don’t think I can afford a lawyer =(
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Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 7:01pm
justabouthealed says:
Your company doesn’t offer free legal advise as part of the insurance package? Nonetheless I think your dad’s advice is good. Corporate America rewards narcissists, unfortunately. I would find a few trusted friends OUTSIDE the circle of your business to read your response and make sure it sounds factual, professional, mature, and ends with something like” I’m sure we will be able to have a very productive next 12 months! ” which demonstrates you are a team player, even though you are raising concerns. And I would turn it into your boss. That is the proper channel probably. Good time to get out the employee manual. There I go again! BOSSY! You have to decide for yourself, I don’t know all the background including how much you need the job, how long you’ve been there, how long she’s been there, etc. I thought my friend was doing the right and professional thing and she’s now out of a job.
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Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 8:06pm
Done says:
Justabouthealed,
Thanks for the advice and the warning. I know I need to tread carefully. I have only been there 6 months, it is my first “real” job since I graduated college. I need a job, I’d like to keep this one bc it doesn’t even feel like work bc I love what I do, and it would be awful to be let go, since this is my first relevant job I would hate to not be able to use it on a resume if I have to search for a new job.
I think I am going to document my concerns, have them notarized and keep them to myself for now. I am going to schedule weekly meetings with my boss and keep notes of feedback she does/doesn’t provide. I’ll probably just suck it up and tell her that I really want this job and want to do whatever it takes to secure it. Then in six months if she decides to terminate me I will have documentation showing that it’s not warranted. I already have surveys that we send to clients, all of them I’ve received back so far have given me 5 out of 5 for the score, so I think that should show that I am doing my job well. I’m a graphic designer, so some of my work is subjective but as long as I am pleasing clients and meeting deadlines I don’t see how she would have grounds to fire me without lying/exaggerating on my review (but she has already worded things to make me look bad).
On a side note, I have had dreams about her and my S together in the same dream the last two nights. UG!
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Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 8:58pm
justabouthealed says:
All that sounds good, esp. given your history. Keep your documentation at home, including copies of the surveys, because usually if you are fired in a fortune 500 company, you are fired and escorted off the property and they go get your personal belongs and give them to you, you aren’t even allowed to get your stuff, nor access your email or get phone numbers, etc. Keep a copy of the employee manual at home.
You are so very mature, I would have pictured you much older! I am!
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Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 9:25pm
Matt says:
Done:
If you are going to have weekly meetings with her, you may want to consider sending follow-up emails after each one to th effect of “to ensure that we are in accord of my objectives to accomplish as discussed at our meeting on X date, the objectives we agreed on are X, Y and Z”.
The upside of this is you eliminate your boss being able to weasel around and you have actual objectives on the page. The downside is businesses have gotten more and more spooked and may not issue a response. But, te uside still is that you have actual documented emails (and send copies to your personal email).
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Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 9:29pm
Done says:
Good idea Matt, thanks!
justabouthealed,
Good point about being escorted off. I think you’re right, and I was planning on starting to send my work to my personal email anyway so that I can use it in my portfolio, in case I don’t get a chance to access it later.
Also, I’m not that young, I’m 28. I just spent a long time goofing off before I graduated (largely due to the S).
Thanks so much for the advice guys!
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Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 10:03pm
PInow says:
Please, advise:
I PIed myself into learning of P’s embezzlement. I also learned that he told someone while we were together, that our relationship was “strictly business”. So, I had this question. One: should I press criminal charges or instigate them? (possible will P$^% him off). The other thing I was thinking, we all know how much of an inconvenience it is for them to work, to do something for the benefit of others, and to be consistently driven by something. If it is business, perhaps, they evaluate it in terms of Cost analysis? so, if causing us grief costs nothing, why not do it? if causing us grief becomes a nuisance, would the cost analysis be done to move on? Many of you are much more experienced with the humanoids, so I was wondering if I was on to something there. Some of my friends said that I’d be putting myself in more danger, but I cannot function, when I live in fear. I’d rather endanger myself for a short while rather than live in fear forever. Thoughts? Matt, if I did this would it be counter productive for the custody battle I am in?
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Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 10:36pm
OxDrover says:
Dear PI,
No one but YOU can answer the question..however, that said, here is my thought.
They love REVENGE and sometimes will “cut their noses off to spite their faces” in order to get revenge on you. sometimes this is as “serious” as murder/suicide.
They don’t see the “cost analysis” like we do—they don’t think like we do.
“Criminal” charges are difficult to get the law to prosecute because it comes down to a “civil suit” rather than a “criminal” action.
Unless it is forged checks in great amounts etc. generally it is an uphill battle. Prosecutors don’t have “time” to prosecute murder and mayhem, so non violent crimes don’t get first shot at their time.
I would vote for leaving it alone, and taking care of YOURself if possible. (((Hugs))))
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Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 11:13pm
PInow says:
TY (Sigh)
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Friday, 3 July 2009 @ 11:16pm
Kathleen Hawk says:
PI,
I’m with Oxy on this. Unless it directly relates to you, and especially you getting something material out of this, don’t waste the time or attention.
Ultimately what you want is to teach these people is that you’re not fun or easy to deal with, now or in the future, and that it’s more trouble than it’s worth to try to get resources or jollies from you. So they go away.
Vengeance is a way of staying involved with them. For us, it’s the later stages of involvement. Part of the angry phase. And it’s okay and normal to feel that way. But unless you have something that will get him out of your hair for life, I’d think carefully about the Pandora’s box you’re opening up, and what it might mean to you in terms of dealing with him in the future.
What you will want in your post-P life is less drama, less involvement, less seeing him or dealing with him. Those are the objectives to be working on now, the ones you’ll thank yourself for later.
Kathy
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Saturday, 4 July 2009 @ 7:09am
PInow says:
Thank you, Kathleen.
The reason I am doing this is to protect my child and myself. As this man wants to have joint custody with me, I shudder to think of sharing anything with him, let alone a young child. And so you really nailed it there: I am going to be not fun and not easy and more trouble than he ever thought possible.
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Saturday, 4 July 2009 @ 10:25am
OxDrover says:
Dear PI,
Protecting your child and keeping him from getting joint (or any custody if you can) is a good objective.
If you have EVIDENCE that he VIOLATED THE LAW such as FORGED checks, or other criminal things, you very well could use them in a court hearing on custody…..I think, keep in mind that I am NOT an attorney.
Sometimes the P will try for custody etc for NO OTHER REASON THAN to just harass you. As far as child support goes, they of course will give you nothing but grief over ever dollar, so my suggestion is IF YOU CAN WORK IT, is to give them a complete pass on child support if they will give up visitation. Any money you do get, even if the court orders it, will have to be extracted like an impacted wisdom tooth.
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Saturday, 4 July 2009 @ 10:59am
DangerWillRobinson says:
I have to firmly agree with Kathy on her summary statement.
Turtles are not sexy to look at and that is a posture that works well against predators of all persuasions. Anything that that looks like flight or fight tends to elicit strong responses in aggressive predators. Do not open more channels than you can manage. The law of unintended consequences suggest that that one maintains a substantially lower number of games than you think you can manage. They will tend to operate in a parallel attack sequence while you will be responding in a serial mode. Exercise caution, lay future pitfalls, corral your enemy without their knowledge, and resist appearing reactive as much as at may seem like a solution to an immediate threat.
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 8:53am
OxDrover says:
Dear DangerWR,
I think (on another thread) PI said that she IS going to go for criminal fraud prosedution….not sure if this is the CURRENT idea she has….
I AABSOLUTELY agree with your very WELL PUT statement about the turtle approach….keep in mind that some kinds of turtles can BITE LIKE hell even with their heads safely tucked inside their shells. Even given that though, the WAY, about the ONLY way to kill a snapping turtle is to get him to bite a stick and then pull his head out of his shell because he will NOT LET go, and then chop off his head because it is out of the shell.
I am still in favor of EXTREME CAUTION with anyone who is a psychopath. And God knows we can NOT depend on the law to protect us!
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 9:08am
ErinBrockovich says:
Oxy is right….we can never depend on the law to protect us……unfortunately, this is the case. It always scares me when I hear “this is a slam dunk case’…..run, if we ever hear that!
DangerWR is right on, as is Kathy.
Great advice folks.
Always exercise caution, control and patience as you deal with S’s.
Be clear on your ajenda and work in that direction only. Do not go after revenge, we do not need to. It comes back around. Revenge keeps us off balance.
And remember…..things ALWAYS work out the way they need to.
Do your due dilegence, point yourself in the right direction and document it ALL…..organize, present and stay in complete control of yourself. Your objective will be fulfilled…….
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 9:58am
DangerWillRobinson says:
I have a live one of my own. Very dangerous, very cunning, I would describe them as a cross between a Venus Flytrap, a chameleon and a scorpion. As a word of caution to anyone who suspects or knows they have become involved with a P…
Do NOT under any circumstances confront them with your knowledge of their activities or intent. They will escalate into a much more dynamic state with the clear intent of doing you permanent and ongoing harm in whatever methodologies they have a strong suits. You will be providing them As much as you may feel a deep and profound sense of betrayal it is imperative that you resist any attempts at suddenly reconciling accounts emotionally, financially, or otherwise. I suggest a finding a secure location to gather your thoughts and begin formulating a strategy for decoupling them from your life. Do not assume that people that are your friends or relatives have not been compromised by their activities. Identify a social network beyond their influence to take refuge and establish a secure posture mentally, physically, and financially. You are in a battle for your life. Do not underestimate your enemy. At the same time do not frame your own status as a function of them. Develop a parallel vision of your life. As much as your discovery will present you with a harsh discontinuity in terms of your past, present and future, do not engage in trap door strategies without serious evaluation of their consequences.
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 10:57am
DangerWillRobinson says:
Preview is your friend…
The missing sentence:
You will be providing them with a significant strategic advantages if you reveal your enlightened posture concerning their pernicious intent.
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 11:07am
ErinBrockovich says:
Danger WR:
WOW……you summarize it all in one paragraph…what an eloquent writer you are……straight to the point….all points!
Good going!!!
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 11:12am
DangerWillRobinson says:
I spent six years tracking and analyzing global networks.
I’ll let your imagination fill in the blanks on what those networks were engaged in. Think, three numbers, two are the same, it ain’t directory services.
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 11:25am
justabouthealed says:
Love the “cross between a Venus Flytrap, a chameleon and a scorpion.” DEAD ON!
very wise advice
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 11:32am
DangerWillRobinson says:
I have another tip…
Always take stock of what they read.
Check their bookshelf.
Reading is the barometer of who we want to be.
Your future lies in those pages.
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 12:11pm
ErinBrockovich says:
Yeah…..mine was never a problem, worrying about him ‘growing’ through reading….the only books he read were about how a professional sport coach got his team to the playoffs, or best places to surf etc….
Even his father, the last time he visited left a Dr. Phil book for him…..it disappeared quick…..he laughed about it, rather than seeing a man who is so non emotional (his father) noticed his son would benefit from this type reading.
S always said…..’I'm not going to change’…..How true, how true…..he is still the small minded, stupid inbicil that he always was.
You would think a person who ‘lost’ so much would have a look inside at SOME point?
It was pretty obvious by the outcome that ‘ITS BROKE’….maybe someone (HIM) should look into fixing it!
But he will carry on, not broken, having not broken relationships and self destructing his whole life.
NOT MY PROBLEM!
DWR, I don’t think we can discount ANYTHING….all knowledge about the S’s is power and ’stock’….it is a window to ‘who’ they are…..I totally agree!
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 12:27pm
DangerWillRobinson says:
An escape manual/workbook would be be a worthwhile project.
Identify the various domains in which they operate:
Domestic
Work
Emotional
Sexual
Financial
Spousal
Parental
Control Domination
Control Humiliation
Control (Intimidation & Fear)
Control Finance (Income & Debt)
Control (Space & Time)
It’s a potentially long list given that they will exploit any and all means possible to coerce, trap, drain and humiliate their prey.
I imagine they they each have their own preferred dining style.
Mine has an infinitely sumptuous buffet upon which they sup themselves with great relish.
I hear the battle of Titans…
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 12:36pm
ErinBrockovich says:
I love your advice….I think we can all gain insight into the worlds of toxic people the more we know about them, the more we document and expose to ourselves.
We need to do our own PI and recon work to have successful escapes on all levels. No exit is ever the same on any level….financial, emotional, children, health or well being.
In my case, I knew I could never walk away without him attacking on every level….so I called on my ‘inner sociopath’ and fought fire with fire.
It wouldn’t have mattered if I gave up all of me, possesions or anything else…it just wouldn’t matter…he would still view it as he ‘lost’. He made it clear he would never let me go, I was always going to be HIS girl.
So I had to take the stance I did…..I was relentless, and continue to be….I have to shut down every avenue of potential strikes by him.
It get’s easier, because I know him so well…..and I have the benefit of good recon. I have great support, yet it doesn’t stop people from trying to control me by ’switching’ sides….my parents are people that waver….which blows my mind….but I proceed with great caution.
My reputation is being restored by my own actions, keeping my ever faithful character and demeanor. I do not talk about the S, even when community members ask….they are questioning him, by his own behaviors and actions, if they are truely interested….they can find out on their own…..or ask other community members…..it doesn’t need to come from me….I’m taking the high road on this angle and it has served me well thus far.
It’s the old saying…..keep your friends close and enemies closer.
OR-
Know your enemy.
I look forward to hearing more of your insight and intellect on the subject of protection.
You sound as if you may have had the benefit of ‘inside’ informational routes…..
Thanks for your posts!
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 12:48pm
Hecates path says:
Erin B & DangerWillRobinson -
(love the Lost in space reference!
I made a choice not to take further legal action against the S after I defeated him this spring. I believe he realized he was losing ground, that I was an equal strategist in his attempt to destroy me, and that at each point he upped the stakes I matched him in terms of upping those stakes so that he likely realized it was going to take a LOT to bring me down, he could lose, and it was better to quit and save face. He was “getting stupid” so to speak andmaking mistakes too… hee hee!
I could’ve continued the battle in court but for now have chose not to as the emotional and physical safety of my family and myself is worth more than engaging in a legal battle… the potential of that pandora’s box is far too great, as KathleenH and Oxy point out so well, and especially so when I have already beat him at his own game for now. He has been quiet for over a month and I am enjoying the lack of drama and chaos in my life now. Instead I look for ways to “inconvenience” him as I think Matt says, such as “helping”
other people in their dealings with him, stealth activities to discredit him, etc.
Although I do not think I am currently in a place to act on it, I believe he was either involved in directly or indirectly, I’m not sure, or in any case, likely has knowledge of a murder crime in the military that remains unsolved. I have no evidence other than his reactions to it in the past, and a “gut” feeling. I also realize that his reactions could also be that tendendcy of an S to inflate the importance of his role in something.
The family member of the victim is active online and I thought about posting a “tip” to look into him more but think that would be traceable, etc. Do either of you, especially you DWR with your background, or any one else here have any ideas as to how to do so in a safe way?
HP
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 12:51pm
DangerWillRobinson says:
ErinBr
Mine has consumed a long list of books written about betrayal and intrigue. They are war manuals in the hands of P. Mine tapped into an artesian well of evil and debasement. Imagine living in the Matrix with Dr. Mengala and the Marquis de Sade managing the Spanish Inquisition. In this world an Iron Maiden would be a mild form of acupuncture.
It definitely ranks as my greatest intellectual challenge to date.
Mind you I just just saw the checkered flag, so they have a few laps on me for the moment. A book of my own would be the best revenge. Of course all the names would be changed to protect the guilty and innocent alike.
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 12:53pm
blueskies says:
Interesting DWR, the one I knew was extremely interested in MY library ( my paintings, my furniture, why I had certain nick-nacks and pieces even took photos of them…BIG red flag).He went through the lot and said they very same as you.’Reading is the barometer of who we want to be.’ When finally I saw his plastic two shelf collection of doctor who novels from his teenage years It didnt quite reflect what he was peddling me … Its certainly something that I will always take note of from now on…
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 12:58pm
DangerWillRobinson says:
The more things change, the more they remain the same…
Potemkin villages were purportedly fake settlements erected at the direction of Russian minister Grigory Potyomkin to fool Empress Catherine II during her visit to Crimea in 1787. According to this story, Potyomkin, who led the Crimean military campaign, had hollow facades of villages constructed along the desolate banks of the Dnieper River in order to impress the monarch and her travel party with the value of her new conquests, thus enhancing his standing in the empress’s eyes.
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 1:06pm
blueskies says:
ooh – just waffling now, he had ONE painting in his house ‘Fallen Angels’, by
François-Edouard Cibot, I spotted it straight away and asked why he liked it, he said it was nothing to do with the subject matter he just thought it was a beautiful painting… then set about picking up flowery non descript paintings from goodwill stores… gad what an idiot I was.
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 1:15pm
DangerWillRobinson says:
What they say about beauty being in the eyes of the beholder is so true on many levels…
Now I see just see and smell a lot of “blue cheese”.
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 1:18pm
DangerWillRobinson says:
This is just too cathartic.
The good news is they are gaining weight and their ass is getting bigger. They also have some serious wrinkles forming around their mouth; much like some over-worked sphincter.
Disdain for all of humanity has its’ price.
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 1:25pm
blueskies says:
Oh I smelt the blue cheese alright (the one and only painting is of this?… and it also means NOTHING to you?… how odd?) but I did nothing… anyway, I’ll get off here now… and marvel at how hard I worked to ignore my insticts and natural cognition of what was in front of my face…sigh.
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 1:28pm
DangerWillRobinson says:
blueskies
the cognition thingy…
Been there, done that.
I see it receding in my rear view mirror at a rabid clip.
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 1:30pm
DangerWillRobinson says:
… that was “rapid” clip, or maybe not.
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 1:31pm
ErinBrockovich says:
DWR:
I have book in the making…..I have thought over and over….how ironic it would be to be able to pull myself out of the financial mess on the information I have learned about him and other S’s……oh, how sweat….so I write away.
I think you would do well with your writing….write on!
Your’s sound like intellects, but you sound ON IT!
Remember, as you pass that checkered flag with a few laps left in your race…..we will lose some of the battles…..it’s the war we must keep our eyes on!!!
HECATES:
I am not so sure we can ‘make a decision’ to stop any legal action……only because the minute we do, they start an attack that leaves us no choice to end up in court. Money or no money…..Sometimes we may be in danger with or without the court issues.
That is a decision personal to all our lives. We do have decisions we Must make for personal protection!!!
I personally have and continue to educate myself so if I need to self represent because of no money, I am as prepared as I can be to do this and hopefully successfully.
I like to ‘head off’ problems and potential anxiety before it happens….so when it does…..I know I have a plan B,C, and D sometimes. My attorney says she will always be here for me…..but I have learned that I can only rely on myself……it saves my sanity and panic. So I continue down my path of education…..whatever I need educating on on any particular day/week/month.
The worst that can come out of that is I have spent an immennse amount of time and have a whole lot more knowledge that I call on from time to time.
Thank god for the internet and books and people in our positioins!!!!
To answer your question on should you/shouldn’t you and how to?……
I guess it depends on what’s at stake…..if this could eliminate him from your life and leave no ‘fingerprints’ on you…..I say….yeah…think about it…..
I wouldn’t go through the internet or any other potential traceable route….for reporting…..
You are ‘under’ control of yourself, so you are able to do this in a calculated and rational manner. This is why you ask the question…..
I have become aware of persons getting a disposable phone, purchase a number from a payphone with a zip code of another area, under a random alias….this will give it a phone number assigned from this zip code with no traceable name……purchase a phone card (cash) at a convenience store out of your area, maybe have a friend buy one out of state and read you the numbers over the phone….(you don’t actually need the card) and place a call from this phone with *67 entered to hide the number first. If they trace it, it’s to a zip code and name as an alias….this is common. After you use the phone, take the battery out and the sim card and store it this way.
Don’t know how far you want to go….but there is also devices to disguise your voice etc….Radio Shack/online they are everywhere.
I would just report that ‘this’ certain person (the s’s name) may have information in regards to this crime.
Plant seeds……
You must remember, that the authorities do not seem super interested in working so hard to solve alot of current crimes and especially past.
My experience has been (and I hope i am wrong), but it needs to be on a silver platter, admissable and in their faces to go after these S’s.
I have information on my S that I have reported to every agency and not in secret, they have come to my home….certainly not incognitoe of me…..but I was seriious about reporting, cooperating and giving them everything I know….to date….nothing has been done!
I made a decision I was not going to let the S intimidate me or his cronie proxies…..I stood tall…..I didn’t do the crimes…..I dont need to be quiet.
But I completely understand others decisions to be afraid. It’s again, situational.
So there is a way, and you need to decide the worth.
(how sad that someones life is lost and it comes down to ‘worth’) It’s just another effect of the S’s on society!!!
Good luck…your doing so well……stay strong and safe!!!
Blueskies:
SCUMBAG….huh…..Doctor who…..well he sure seemed to take notes on that…gotta give him some credit!
Mine was a huckfin fan!
(Report abusive comment)
Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 1:31pm
DangerWillRobinson says:
blueskies
Smelt is a type of fish.
Smelled is what dogs do when they hook up at the park.
Maybe they just have better instincts for detecting assholes than we do.
(Report abusive comment)
Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 1:34pm
ErinBrockovich says:
DWR:
Oh, eaasssyyyy there…your hitting a cord on the gianing weight and growing ass comment!!!
BUT….
No wrinkles here …..YET! Thank god I stayed away from allowing my sphincter from being overworked. (or even worked at all!)
(Report abusive comment)
Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 1:38pm
blueskies says:
DWR, haha:) That wonderful rear view mirror! – and nice freudian slip:)
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 1:42pm
blueskies says:
Hey, my smell/ smelled/ smelt is back on line now mate.
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 1:45pm
blueskies says:
Erin!:)x xChuckle! I didnt think the weight thing would go down well here with half of us pilling it on and the other half wasting away with stress, but seeing the creep BECOME the ugliness it is inside?…I can understand where DWR is coming from:)xxx
(Report abusive comment)
Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 1:48pm
ErinBrockovich says:
Blue:
aint that the truth……I started (when i got sick) losing 50 lbs in 3 weeks….then with the meds I gained 10000000 lbs……
so currently I’m fat….but alive
BUT….the S is swollen, orange and wrinkled and dying a slow ugly death.
I’m not offended in the least…just handing out shart!
If I dish….I gotta take…..that’s the way I roll!
(Report abusive comment)
Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 1:52pm
DangerWillRobinson says:
I lost ten pounds and have hits half my age now that I have entered the chill phase. This is way cool. The good news is the P person is scouring the bottom of the barrel for s and when I meet people I know they did up I can tell. They either look at the ground or make some stupid comment that alludes to them thinking I’m some stooge. The good news is they don’t take any precautions based upon the history I know. Let the good times roll…
(Report abusive comment)
Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 1:55pm
DangerWillRobinson says:
blueskies
I don’t think Freud wore a slip, although if we asked his mother she might of had a different story to tell.
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 1:58pm
ErinBrockovich says:
I have gained a million pounds and have hit’s in their 60’s…..
At least they were not wearing slips though……
eeessshhhh!
Although I did have a 27 yr old. kid hit on me at a restaurant in front of my son a few weeks back……thrilled my son to no end….scared the hell out of me!!!
YIKES…….
How about a nice 40 something with a decent family, good job, NOT AN S and going somewhere emotionally in life, would cute on top of that be asking too much?
But….for now I’m fine!
(Report abusive comment)
Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 2:05pm
DangerWillRobinson says:
Gotta fly…
Best wishes to all of you.
The P’s , eat S & D, NOW!
(Report abusive comment)
Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 2:09pm
blueskies says:
No – apparently he did under his suite, he liked the way it felt next to his skin.
Hmmm, hits half your age…:S Is that a good thing?
I lost a LOT of weight, and it wasn’t a fun way to do it, but yes it is a silver lining, to be able to go out last night and wear something nice and have a dance, and have admiring glances… the shallow b**tards!(lol)… as you can see my ‘hit’ deflector shield is still way up.
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 2:12pm
Hecates path says:
Erin B~
Wow, that was a lot of insight and information! Thank you for taking time to reply and share – your thoughts are appreciated! As always you make sense and have put a lot of thought into things. Your successful self representation is something to be proud of and when you do write that book I hope that my copy will be autographed (grin!). Just curious but after all this do you have any ambition to go to law school if finances allowed for it? My attorney was with a very pricey/respected firm and was phenomenal, but any time I have been in court I have been dismayed by the number of other lousy attorneys I see practicing law poorly at the expense of the people depending on them! I have toyed with law school but with my kids the ages they are I am not thhinking about it seriously at this time. You would be a great attorney but even if you didn’t pursue it, all your knowledge will have a ripple effect in the ways you help others.
I probably should’ve clarified that the S is not my ex spouse and we have no children together, so he is essentially/efffectively out of my life now, except for crossing paths in the community and school events for our kids. If I would have taken him to court it really would’ve been more offensive as it would’ve been civil court for defamation/slander and to get some of my personal belongings back. I believe that would’ve kept him in my life longer unnecessarily, when he was clearly making an exit, And, if he lost, as expected, he would just go for another round in some way. So in the greater scheme, for me it wasn’t worth the risk, but I do get what you’re saying about offense being the best defense!
Your insight on the authorities was helpful and made sense – and makes me think that anything I could manage to report to the authorties is just going to end up going nowhere. I think the battle with the authorities is best left to the family of the victims but I’d just like to find a way to point them in the S’s direction. If I found a phone number or address I could call or write anonymously, as you suggested. Thank you for helping me process this and see some options such as these! As you say, I am just letting things pass and waiting for opportunities to strike stealthly. I guess in that sense, what I am doing *is* offensive in that in helping others to deal with him directly, indirectly helps ME by keeping him from making any re-appearance in my world!! Thanks again for your reply!
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 2:13pm
ErinBrockovich says:
Hecates:
When i was a kid, I wanted to go to law school…..but was discouraged by my parents…..money etc….
I took some law classes and other classes that have served me well…..no degree, but life experiences, less intimidating because of the insight on what I learned early on.
I am a natural researcher…I love it….anything I do….I do inside and out….I want to know the whole process…..probably a pain in the ass dealing with me on some transactions, but I want to be involved to learn.
I don’t feel I could successfully go back to school at this point….after my 2 strokes I lost short term memory and my ‘dictionary’ skills went to pot, I can’t recall words. I can read things and I lose track of them easily. Taking notes mean nothing unless I review them constantly….the effort would take me YEARS and tons of frustration.
Getting through my divorce took me more effort than it would have prior to the strokes…..but I didn’t see I had a choice….it also challenged my mind. It was a 2 fold victory!!!
I agree with you, people rely on their representation on a way we just shouldn’t…..hopefully in the end, the attorneys come through, but I think we need to ride their asses during the process. I think back to my first attorney and THANK GOD I didn’t stick with him!!! I would have been sunk!!! It pays to listen to your gut!!!
I wrestled with going with a firm or private…..I figured a firm may not serve me well, because I knew the S is a scrapper and a large firm tends not to want to be associated with this type of case. Also, I knew I would need some ‘leeway’ on billing….nothing you would get from a large firm.
I wanted to be involved and again I thought a small group/individual would provide me this. I believe cases with S’s are not textbook…..they smokescreen and confuse ALL issues……my first attorney said….’oh, it’s a black and white case’ ……too bad I didn’t run then. His assitant said “It’s not a chess game’……Oh, how wrong she was….it’s all about when to move, which pawn to take out when, when to expose, what to expose and protecting your vulnerabilities. That sounds like a chess game to me!!! Except it was my ‘game’ of LIFE!!!
I didn’t represent myself during the divorce, although I was, at one point, planning to. I ended up finding the BEST gal, that ‘got it’……no question it was my best move!
I have done all my TPO’s, Harasment/stalking and extensions, along with my latest realestate situation in regards to the S……it’s a challenge, and it can be done! It is full time!
If you can find out any of the victims family members contact info, I would ‘plant the seeds ‘ there. If this is an unsolved case, the family has certainly not forgotten and will be the best to ride the authorities on this. The family most certainly would not let ANY leads go. Just make sure you give the family ALL the information you have, so you don’t have to ‘go back’. Lead them right to the S……hand them information you have that will not identify you.
Keep it anonymous. Write down all info, so you don’t leave anything out. Ask them to write down what you tell them, that you will not call back.
Or send a typewritten letter from another state, so they have all of what you want to say in writing….anonymously. Write it and send it to a valued trusted friend to take on a vacation with them to mail from that state. You can’t be too removed.
This is all you can do…..
You may never find out the ‘results’, but you can rest assured the family will take notice of this information.
I see your goal, and I agree with it….things can change day to day with the S’s. Move in the direction you feel good about and take care of yourself.
My goal is to turn my experince into helping others in whatever way I can…..I worked hard to gain the knowledge I have and I will share it with others in my position.
It’s the difference I can make in the world…..
Good luck and thanks for your positive feedback!
Go getem girl!
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 2:43pm
Betty says:
Erin,
I have a question for you, and I’d really appreciate your expertise.
Is there a legal way to do a background check on a person? I don’t want to break any laws, and I don’t want to invade his privacy, but I do want to check this person out to see if he’s who he says he is. I have a gut feeling something is “off,” but I realize I’m sort of hypersensitive now.
If you can help, great! If not, thanks! I really enjoy your posts, and love your spirit!
Betty
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 4:04pm
ErinBrockovich says:
Hi Betty:
Always happy to share what I have learned…..REMEMBER…I’m not an attorney or a professional in the field….My friends call me “erin Brockovich….NON attorney at law”…..
I don’t mean to demeanor Matt or other attorneys who spent lot’s of time, energy and money gaining degrees and paying their dues….. That said….
YES….there are tons of ways you can check someone out.
Some would say it’s an invasion, but I look at it as, be careful what you ‘put out’ to the world.
I like the cross reference ways……
You need complete name, first last…..middle initial is nice, but not necessary. A career path is good, a city or state is nice. The more you know of general information the easier cross referencing. A telephone number is a good tool, but you can search this out.
You can go to a PI and pay to do this…..OXY knows approx. cost for this.
I did all my work myself and got all I needed….and then some!
GO with your GUT….hypersensative or not…..it’s telling you something….LISTEN TO IT!!!
There are plenty of websites that are free that I used to check out all sorts of people….in fact, if your new to my life…..I go straight to the internet and check the facts out…..
ZABASearch.com
ISEARCH.com
123People.com
A google.com search is always easy.
(Local county court records, only need complete name)
these sites are helpful to tell you about divorces, criminal charges, TPO’s, non payed fines etc……
All you need to know is the county they live or have lived in.
Go to the county court record site.
Also the local county recorders office….shows property info.
Linkedin.com
Myspace.com
Facebook.com
Whitepages.com
Anywho.com (if you have a phone number(landline) but no name or address.)
The above are great starts…..take what you find on one site and reference with another. There are internet articles….you can read all sorts of news articles on a person……like recreational sports teams, community/city awards, high school info, college info, whatever may appear in the news….if someone claims to be famous for something…..there should be plenty of info on them.
Myspace gets you tons of personal info…..and about their friends….it shows comments and pictures, favorite music, relationship status, age etc….
Now if the person is entering info personally, it’s all subjective. But if someone lies, they usually won’t be consistant about their lies from site to site. You can figure this out easily. Myspace/facebook etc…
You can find out where they work, who they work with, childrens names, who they are related to, where they own property, with whom they own property…..The things I have uncovered are mindblowing.
I found people I know on swinger sites, I searched Craiglist for my ex…..under male looking for male. That site is pathetic, all the ‘penis’ pictures along with face shots….who knows you may recognize the person yoru looking for…..
WHO THE HELL WOULD POST A PICTURE OF THEIR PENIS IN FULL MASTERBATION MODE ON THE INTERNET???????? Holy cow!!! Lot’s of them!!!
You need to spend some time, just carousing sites, clicking on links to get you somewhere else on that site…I have not had any issues with any of the above sites with spam (except CL).
I will tell you……I would NEVER have a MYSPACE account or a FACEBOOK or LINKEDIN account…..you post your pictures and it never goes away from the internet. You post your name and your site shows up on google.com.
This goes around the world people…..and whatever you post….shows up!!!
It has been an immense aid for me to dig up dirt or just find out a bit more about a person.
You can find out about anyone…..you need to have an open mind. you must be sure you are reading about the person you are searching for….this is where career info helps, or hobbies etc…
This is how I saved myself from going on a date with a PEDOFILE FREAK…..i searched him…..and didn’t like what I found….AT ALL! He showed up as an active member of MAMBLA……OMG!!!
SO….good luck, take your time, if you see something, take notes on the site you found that info on…..or print that page…
I hope you find what your ‘looking’ for!
XXOO
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Sunday, 5 July 2009 @ 11:31pm
Betty says:
Dear Erin,
Thanks so much! Didn’t have any idea where to start, and as I’ve said, something just doesn’t feel right.
You’ve been tremendously helpful, and I very much appreciate it! I’m going to get researchin’
All the best,
Betty
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Monday, 6 July 2009 @ 1:05am
PInow says:
What a helpful and an interesting thread. I especially liked Danger WR’s “Do NOT under any circumstances confront them with your knowledge of their activities or intent. ”
I am asked a lot about what I have done to P%^% him off so much. Well, I decided that my P was a good P (laughing yet? ) So, I tried to convince him that he can become human. And – oh, did I confront … OK, stupid, stupid, I know. Massive come back to show me who’s the boss. I tell myself: “I am a turtle, I am a turtle”. If not for my kids, I’d be hiding my head. But, for my kids, I am a tiger. Bet, he’s enjoying the “shark attack”. So, what choice do I have but to Fight or flight? The law is meaningless for the P, it’s a matter of power struggle. Too bad human lives are mere chess pieces. (heard an S say he felt like he was a general directing the troops).
So, damage control? My idea is to corner him. Am I playing with fire? Anyone with a crystal ball?
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Monday, 6 July 2009 @ 1:34am
DangerWillRobinson says:
PInow
My experience suggests that the turtle response causes the P to immediately look for novel ways to yank your chain and bait you. Typically you won’t be tuned to these novel situations and you are prone to fall into their new trap designed to control you once again. I suggest that you have an exit strategy that makes you appear graceful to an audience of your choice and not theirs. If they have baited you then it is best to withdraw from the situation and let time pass before deciding how to address it. If you want some control start picking and choosing which situations you will address. Be unpredictable. Let some of their bait go fallow. Pick the bait that would best serve your interest and move it to a time and place that you have carefully chosen and then use it to embarrass or weaken them socially. This is a dangerous business so exercise caution. Do not do it often as they will quickly catch on and retaliate or worse yet, be nice. When they are being nice you should worry, as it typically means they are gearing up for another hard screwing at your expense.
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Tuesday, 7 July 2009 @ 5:47am
DangerWillRobinson says:
PInow
Cornering is not necessarily a good plan. It would imply that they do not have an exit route except to go through you. When I say “through” I mean exactly that. They will go through you like a seafood meal gone bad. It is best to lead them given that they are predators. They will follow you given half a chance. So let them pick up some speed as they pursue and make sure they hurl themselves against some immovable object. This is no different than the sell them some rope so they can hang themselves trick. Make sure they pay cash.
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Tuesday, 7 July 2009 @ 6:08am
Donna Andersen says:
Betty,
To my knowledge, it is not illegal to do a background check. The only thing that is illegal, at least in the US, is a credit check without the person’s permission.
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Tuesday, 7 July 2009 @ 7:52am
blueskies says:
Donna REALLY? I found out that the s/p had done some kind of credit check on me which even included the amount I had left to pay on my mortage, the amount of deposit I put down and EVEN the name of the family member who put up my deposit…
Untill then it never dawned on me that anyone would DO that ( it was about two monthes in) it felt like a total violation…(which is an interesting point I guess considering we as survivors are encouraged to do so…) he said anyone can for 35 bucks… is there something I can do about this?
Can someone explain to me how easy it would be for someone in the US to be able to have a printed statement like that on someone here in the uk? I dont the that kind of info is as easily accessible on this side of the pond.
RSVP!:)x
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Tuesday, 7 July 2009 @ 8:06am
Donna Andersen says:
Blueskies,
Yes, it is a violation of the US Fair Credit Reporting Act to run a credit check on someone without their permission. You have the right to sue for actual damages, punitive damages and attorney fees. I don’t know how easy it would be from outside of the US, but you could look into it. Here is some info:
http://www.lovefraud.com/07_ho.....paths.html
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Tuesday, 7 July 2009 @ 8:50am
OxDrover says:
FYI–I paid $225 for a “background” check from a professional investigator.
The information I had was: Name (full, middle & last) Date of birth and that he “did have” a criminal background
for this, I received
Social Security number
All criminal CONVICTIONS, when and where and what the charges were. Just arrests or charges posted that were DROPPEd are NOT included, so a person could have a lonnnng record of arrests, but no convictions, so that would NOT show up on a PRIVATE report, but the cops could get this, so if you know a cop who will run the check you might get more information if they will share it with you.
ALL parole revocations (every one!)
Dates and places of incarceration, and NUMBER of his state criminal records
ALL the places he lived for last 20+ years
Name of lthe person who owned the residence he lived in
Name of NEIGHBORS who lived on the same block for all those places, along with telephone numbers.
The mug shot of him, physical description of him, and information on his RISK FACTOR for reoffense of sexual crimes (HIGH RISK)
I was NOT able to get his credit report.
One of the things you can do with the above information though, is to call the neighbors and ask what they know about him, or visit them for the same purpose. Sometimes y9ou can get a LOT of information about them that way. Sometimes not.
I took the mug shot and went from house to house around the small rental unit house I had rented to the Trojan Horse Psychopath and found that he was apparently already grooming a 12 year old boy that lived across the street. The mother was totally shocked that the “nice man” who lived in my rental unit was a CONVICTED SEX OFFENDER OF CHILDREN.
I also had one run on my then-DIL and turned up no criminal convictions, but did find her under several last names from various marriages, where she had been in the air force, and all the places she had lived, along with neighbors and their phone numbers. By the time I got that information, though, I didn’t really need to follow up on any of it, as shortly after that she was arrested for trying to kill my son, along with the Trojan horse psychopath.
After he went to prison, though, I did make contact with the VICTIM’S ADVOCATE OFFICE and that woman was a godsend. She told me how to prevent his first parole release (which actually was illegally done!) and quoted me the number of the law that would prevent him being released, and I spoke with the parole board and let them know I would be on the capitol steps screaming their names and the number of the law that prohibited them letting him out at that time, and guess what?—his parole was revoked! He did get one 7 months later though, which I could not prevent.
VICTIM’s ADVOCATEs are great resources for information that may help you. Contact them if appropriate.
Another thing the professional investigator was good for was to give me HINTS on how to LIVE UNDER THE RADAR so that I would not be easily found by another private investigator.
That was why I bought the RV because though it was :”registered” and “licensed” through the state, there were no utilities in my name, and therefore the actual PHYSICAL LOCATION of where I was was INVISIBLE to anyone doing a records search!
Rental agreements, utility bills of any kind, phone listings of any kind except the “go phones” are very traceable, car registrations and insurance and drivers license records are all easily traced, so make sure that if you are hiding out from them, that NONE of these things are in your name and actually connected to the physical LOCATION you are at.
In the US, for $10 you can get a post office to forward your mail to anywhere on a weekly basis. (even a different place every week) Postal boxes, or even postal boxes at some of the private postal lbox companies are also a good idea. If you put in a “forwarding address” with a US post office, anyone can get your new address for the price of a stamp simply by requesting it. So be careful with forwarding mail.
I solved the problem of my mail by renting a post office box, havingf all my mail forwarded there, and to keep them from watching the Post office and finding me there picking up my mail, I would send someone else to get my mail out of my PO box weekly.
And remember, you are not hiding from the cops, you are hiding from a private individual.
If you are working and they know where your job is, you may have to quit and take another job somewhere else. Also if you work with a license (like a nurse or an attorney) you may have to “sling hash” for a while because you can be traced through your professional license. I was fortunate that I was retired.
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Tuesday, 7 July 2009 @ 9:44am
blueskies says:
Thanks Donna:)
I will look into where I stand with this. x
If anyone has any further advice about how to go about this I would be very grateful, the only dealings I have ever had with solicitors were to do with conveyance
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Tuesday, 7 July 2009 @ 9:49am
blueskies says:
Chuckle, my family is an relatively well known ‘old money’ family – but what I have is just the name – everything else is down to my own graft. He must of thought he was onto a winner, what a shock he must have got to find all I had was a wee house to my name:) Maybe he stuck around a bit longer with thoughts of an eventual inheritance … but got bored waiting…
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Tuesday, 7 July 2009 @ 10:01am
shabbychic says:
blue, I do not have any experience with this type of thing. If someone ran a credit check on me I think I would consult with an attorney to see if anything could be done. There are companies here in the US that will send an alert when someone trys to run a credit check, I’m not sure if they do it before or after the fact (you have to pay a monthly fee).
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Tuesday, 7 July 2009 @ 10:25pm
2MUCH2TAKE says:
Thank God for you people. So much of what you say resonates to the core. I used to think all people were good. I never dreamed a person could be so conniving. The isolation is due to the fact that he “buys” everyone around me. Then he gets their loyalty, engages in behavoir that he knows I would not tolerate & tells them “not to mention” it to me. My family & my friends. They all think he is wonderful and that I am the one with the problem. He exploits them. Buys the women, threatens the men with violence. He has done nice things for my family and friends. He uses me to “get to” people. Because I am friendly, I attract the kind of people he NEEDS to feed his ego, etc. He has never hit me. He just screws my mind up. I got back with him in 1998, left him finally after his alcoholic ways could no longer be tolerated. He got sober during the time we were apart. Seemed to be a different person, with problem solving skills, a healthy outlook, etc. Then found where I was and came running. I had a serios health issue. Was on chemotherapy, and ill. He provided. After that storm, I was weak, mentally and physically, but thankful he was there. He was very distant, went to the garage every nite right before bed. I asked him if he had drugs in the garage. He told me I was paranoid and a psycho. For 2 years. I believed it finally. I told my mother that I was “mental”. Paranoid. She just looked at me. She wanted me to explicate, but I just changed the subject. I just wanted her to know. Then I found a pill. Had it examined by a pharmacist. It was methadone. I had never heard of it. She explained and told me to have nothing to do with this person. That it took searching 4 databases to find it. It was the kind hard-core heroine addicts took. I confronted him. Told him he threw me under the bus for a drug. I have been emotionally, physically and spiritually bankrupt. I don’t even feel love inside me anymore. I feel like I am morphing into him. I have no trust in myselft or anyone else. Trust conditionally. That really resonates with me. Be careful. He is always so sorry. Will do anything. He went to a counselor and got on some mood stabilizers. It seemed to help I felt guilty leaving him, after all he had done for me financially. Then he quit. All the manipulation started again. I got counseling for awhile. I can’t afford it right now. I was much more in control when I was in therapy. This website seems much like therapy. He helps me financially. I put him on my credit cards so he would build credit because his was absolutely horrible. I now have credit card debt to pay off and cannot do it without him. I did take him off, he wasn’t happy, but I did it anyway. Courage. He even tried to get the numbers off the back of my card because he was going to make a payment and said he needed to last 3 digits on the back. I told him he didn’t need those to pay on the bill!! He acted like he didn’t know! He knows that I am getting wise to his ways. It is all a big act. I just need to get this done and overwith. He is getting angry with me. Because he can’t manipulate me. Or is having a harder time doing it. He is still getting me. Just not all the time anymore. The more I read about Anti-social personality disorder, Sociopathic behavoir etc, it scares the beejesus out of me. I have been such a fool. I am empowering myself. Knowledge IS power. Thank you people out there. I actually cried when I read what you wrote back. I haven’t cried for a long time. I guess it is being understood that made my heart FEEL again. I have been so alone in this. Anyone that meets him likes him. He is sooo smooth. They don’t see it at all. Lord willing and the creek don’t rise I will come out a survivor. Thank you all for listening.
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Thursday, 9 July 2009 @ 2:04pm
Escapee says:
2Much2Take
You’ve gotta get out girl!
Keep posting for strength – you can do it!
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Thursday, 9 July 2009 @ 2:59pm
OxDrover says:
Dear 2 much,
I agree that you have to get out. As long you stay with him, the problems will only get worse. There is no way you can deal with him and get or maintain your sanity.
NO CONTACT is the ONLY way to deal with these people. Sometimes it takes a great deal of pain for us to see that this is the ONLY way. As long as you deal with him, you will never get your credit cards paid off. I can say that because of my own experiences and reading the esperiences of others here, it is almost a given that he will sabatage anything you do.
No matter what they say, it is a lie. Their intentions are for their own benefit, not yours.
Escapee’s advice is good, though it may sound radical, but you just can’t deal with them. (((hugs))) and my prayers for your strength!
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Thursday, 9 July 2009 @ 3:37pm
DangerWillRobinson says:
As further commentary on the predation of P’s might I suggest that they assume the role of “Faux Schmoos” to seduce their victims into believing that they are the embodiment of all their aspirations and as such have a profoundly strong gravitational attraction that belies their true motives.
See: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shmoo
Description
A shmoo is shaped like a plump bowling pin with legs. It has smooth skin, eyebrows and sparse whiskers – but no arms, nose or ears. Its feet are short and round but dexterous, as the shmoo’s comic book adventures make clear. It has a rich gamut of facial expressions, and expresses love (often) by exuding hearts over its head.
Cartoonist Al Capp ascribed to the shmoo the following curious characteristics. His satirical intent should be evident:
* They reproduce asexually and are very prolific. They require no sustenance other than air.
* Naturally gentle, they require minimal care, and are ideal playmates for young children.
* Shmoos are delicious to eat, and are eager to be eaten. If a human looks at one hungrily, it will happily immolate itself, either by jumping into a frying pan, after which they taste like chicken, or into a broiling pan, after which they taste like steak. When roasted they taste like pork, and when baked they taste like catfish. (Raw, they taste like oysters on the half-shell.)
* They also produce eggs (neatly packaged), milk (bottled grade-A), and butter — no churning required. Their pelts make perfect bootleather or house timber, depending on how thick you slice it.
* They have no bones, so there’s absolutely no waste. Their eyes make the best suspender buttons, and their whiskers make perfect toothpicks. In short, they are simply the perfect ideal of a subsistence agricultural herd animal.
* The frolicking of shmoon is so entertaining (such as their staged “shmoosical comedies”) that people no longer feel the need to watch television or go to the movies.
* Some of the more tasty varieties of shmoo are more difficult to catch. Usually shmoo hunters, now a sport in some parts of the country, utilize a paper bag, flashlight and stick to capture their shmoos. At night the light stuns them, then they can be whacked in the head with the stick and put in the bag for frying up later on.
The actual origin of Capp’s word “shmoo” has been the subject of debate by linguists for decades, leading to the misconception that the term was derived from “schmo” or “schmooze”. However, “shmue” was a taboo Yiddish term for the female reproductive organ, the ultimate fertility symbol. It’s one of many Yiddish slang variations that would find their way into Li’l Abner. Revealing an important key to the story, Al Capp himself wrote that the Shmoo metaphorically represented the limitless bounty of the earth in all its richness – in essence, Mother Nature herself. In Li’l Abner’s words, “Shmoos hain’t make believe. The hull whole earth is one!!”
Beware the Schmoo!
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Sunday, 12 July 2009 @ 7:05pm
DangerWillRobinson says:
The Perils of Schmooness…
See: townhall.com/columnists/BurtPrelutsky/2009/03/13/the_schmoo_is_alive_and_well_and_living_in_the_white_house
For instance, in the past couple of weeks, I received e-mails from two far-flung friends that sparked an observation. In the first, Steve Finefrock of Oklahoma reminded me of the shmoo, a creature introduced over 50 years ago by Al Capp in his comic strip, “Li’l Abner.” The shmoo was a magical little pear-shaped entity that lived only to serve man’s wishes. If it even thought a person was hungry, it would die happily to feed him. It had the ability to taste like chicken or steak, its eyes could be used for buttons and its whiskers made fine toothpicks.
Another friend, Don Melquist of Arizona, reminded me of cargo cults. During World War II, many such cults sprang up in the South Pacific. When thousands upon thousands of G.I.s suddenly showed up on sparsely populated islands, mysteriously appearing from the skies and the ocean, bringing with them food, radios, medicine, watches, candy and Coca-Cola, the villagers naturally thought their prayers had been answered. In much the same way that dogs are said to be awe-struck by the hunting abilities of their masters, who come home bearing armloads of edibles, the natives had good reason to assume that the gods had taken up residence. Long after the war ended, the islanders constructed piers and carved out airstrips in hopes of their return.
This was intended to be illustrative and not a political commentary in the current context of US politics.
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Sunday, 12 July 2009 @ 7:19pm