Boredom and the sociopath
PDF What’s the relationship, if any, between boredom and sociopathy?
Can we can agree, for starters, that boredom does not cause sociopathy? Otherwise most of us would be sociopaths.
Can we also agree that a low tolerance for boredom, alone, does not cause sociopathy. Otherwise again, many of us with low tolerances for boredom (not that I include myself, but God, am I bored) would be sociopaths; and this isn’t the case, either. That is, even most of us with low tolerances for boredom aren’t sociopaths.
However, research suggests that sociopaths may require higher levels of arousal to escape conditions of boredom. So apart from being prone to boredom and finding it extremely oppressive, it may be the case that sociopaths tend to resort to high arousing, high risk solutions to their boredom.
I think we edge closer to a link between boredom and sociopathy when we note that, if nothing else, boredom seems to be a medium, a highly conductive state or field, for the emergence of sociopathic behaviors.
That is, sociopaths seem to find in states of boredom fertile play for their sociopathy. As noted, they seem at risk of solving their boredom sociopathically. States of boredom tend to elicit, coax into the open the sociopath’s sociopathy.
Why? What it is about boredom that makes it perhaps especially conductive of the sociopath’s acting-out? In point of fact, it is less the properties of boredom than the properties of the sociopath that answer this question.
The sociopath is, foremost, an outrageously self-centered specimen. His exclusive interest in his own comfort, gratification and entertainment (and cold uninterest in others’) compels, along with incredulity, a morbid fascination with his interpersonal perversity.
I’d suggest that among the last things the sociopath wants to face, besides extreme pain, is boredom. The sociopath wants to feel entertained, stimulated and comfortable; boredom provides none of these. Moreover, and consistent with his pathological narcissism, the sociopath feels he shouldn’t have to be bored. He feels absolutely entitled to relief from his boredom.
Now we might still say, big deal?…doesn’t this still describe many of us who aren’t sociopaths, yet for whom boredom makes our skin crawl?
What I think distinguishes the sociopath in all this isn’t his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom or even, by itself, his arguable gravitation to higher risk, higher arousing solutions to his boredom. Rather, I think it’s his entitled claim to relief from states of boredom with virtual utter disregard for how he achieves his relief.
In other words, for the sociopath, basically whatever it takes to solve his boredom, at whatever expense to whomever, is a go. Where the nonsociopath itching for escape from his boredom is chastened by a sense of accountability to others—by the implicit social contract to respect others’ boundaries—the sociopath is undeterred by, and abrogates, such social contracts. They are a joke to him.
Intellectally, he is aware of them and, when expedient, may play-act them. But he regards them, truthfully, as utterly controvertible anytime he finds it convenient to controvert them. Furthermore he harbors, secretly when not transparently, contempt for anyone dumb enough to be bound by such contracts. Certainly he isn’t.
And so the bored sociopath is dangerously poised to exploit. Unburdened (if not stimulated) by the prospect of his exploitation, he finds countless opportunities to gratify himself at others’ expense. He can rob someone, or cheat someone, or cheat a hundred people, or get plastered and drive maniacally; he can scare someone, or lie audaciously with convincing sincerity; and in so doing he can ignore the wreckage he wreaks because what matters, what only matters, is the satisfaction in it for him.
The sociopath’s deranged self-centeredeness protects him from the scourge of regret. Where regret may torture the normal person, keep him up at night, awaken him to troubled memories, reflection, and perhaps even a rethinking of his priorities, not so for the sociopath.
At most, regret has a superficial effect on him; he might regret, if anything, the inconvenience of his present situation; but not, it’s safe to say, the dignity, security and trust he robbed from the victims across his life.
(My use of “he” in this post is not meant to suggest that males have a patent on the behaviors and attitudes discussed. This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
written by Steve Becker, LCSW • Permalink •
blueskies says:
I can relate:( I had a much shorter period of time involved with the creep, it has brought to the fore the abuse within my family that I have lived with all of these years. It IS exhausting. I am too am reading and trying, I even felt like I was making good progress a couple of months ago, but have slipped into another ‘valley’.
I HATE that I still think about him, he actually revolts and disgusts me, and yet I morn, and I miss the phantom prince. I have very low patches, I am in one now, my ‘suicidal thoughts’ are not really me planning to kill myself, but wishing it would all just stop because I am SO FRICKIN TIRED and sick of thinking about it all!
I got a lot of strength today from reading Kathleen’s post about reclaiming self love…it kind of switched my tracks back towards more ‘here and now’ thinking (towards, havent reached the station yet!).
Oxy said somehwere on here something like these things have to be gone through, you cant go under over or around them and she’s right, but we must maybe try to take ‘tea breaks’ every now and then, just to give our minds a rest.
I went for a walk in our botanical gardens here, there was no one about and it was so beautiful. Its mid summer here in England and the sun was shimmering in the trees and sparkling in the lake, and I didnt think about anything but how beautiful it was for a full 30 minutes!!!! It was psychedelic or should that be psychotropic! and was worth more to my health and state of mind than the so called ‘rest’ I try to get in my bed at night.
Hang in there. be gentle with yourself. BIG HUGS to you.xxx
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blueskies says:
(P.S I hope this doesn’t sound trite, but Steve’s ‘The Narcissist’s Commandments’ post and the mighty LF-er’s comments are worth checking out for some empowering and mood lifting little chuckles:)xx)
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confused2 says:
blueskies
“I HATE that I still think about him, he actually revolts and disgusts me, and yet I morn, and I miss the phantom prince. I have very low patches, I am in one now”. I could not have said it better myself. I cried this morning thinking about this sick S. I STILL am thinking about him all the time, my brain just won’t shut down. I took a Lorazepam because I started to feel shaky. The weekends are the hardest for me. I’m still NC but sometimes I want to drive by his house to see what’s going on. And I probably would have by now if I didn’t think he would see me. And I also should admit that I’m thinking of revenge, make him feel some of the pain he has put me through.
britneyhammer
“i need to find that happiness within that I once had but lost somewhere along the way.” I wish I had my happiness back too. Maybe at this point I would settle for peace of mind. I would like to wake up one morning without him being the first thing on my mind. Sometimes I hate myself more for wanting the illusion back. I feel like I’m in an endless cycle.
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justabouthealed says:
How to stop the crazy thinking:
http://howtospotadangerousman......ering.html
http://saferelationshipsmagazi.....esurvivors
http://www.drjoecarver.com/cli.....emory.html
There was another great one about you can think straight sitting on the fence , but I can’t find it. I posted the url once, maybe someone has it.
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justabouthealed says:
That should have been you CANNOT think straight sitting on the fence
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justabouthealed says:
Found the other article, this one really helped me
http://www.lisaescott.com/foru.....ke-it-true
(this is the one about sitting on a fence)
Also from aa—”Get busy, get better”
It also really helps to surround yourself with people who are passionate about a cause you believe in.
I also put “stop” signs up for a reminder.
The lists of what he did that was unforgiveable helps too.
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justabouthealed says:
Hey….tomorrow is independence day….for all of us!!! Happy Independence Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Freedom from self-doubt, from abuse, from intrusive thoughts! Freedom from needing someone! Freedom to love our wonderful self! Freedom to find joy with a dog, a cat, fresh flowers! Freedom to do volunteer work that speaks to OUR heart! Happy independence day everyone!
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blueskies says:
(*God my spelling is very bad today:-S x)
Confused
xx I am glad you have resisted driving by. I used to look in on what he was ‘up to ‘ on line etc, but it always made me feel crap and if I get those kind of urges now, I stop myself and ask myself… will doing this make me happy? and the answer is hell no. so I dont. Even if I find out HE is unhappy, then what? will I feel satisfied or try to make contact and throw myself back into something I KNOW STINKS?…oh hang on… there I go thinking about slime again!Exhausting.
I am at the stage I am at, I have tried to run before I could walk with this and I fell on my face… it doesnt seem like it sometimes but its NOT an endless cycle (even with the falling on your face) because every day, believe it or not, we are LEARNING, even if its so slowly we hardly notice it…
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be happy in perpetuity(gosh thats a big ask) then a teeny little voice says…well thats up to you isnt it love… keep on truckin… and I sigh the sigh of the utterly exhausted and agree.
xx
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justabouthealed says:
Britneyhammer….he will NEVER change. He is INCAPABLE of change. If he were changed, he wouldn’t be contacting you while married to someone else. He is incapable of sustaining good behavior. He is Prince Harming, not Prince Charming. (saw that in an article).
I’ve changed jobs, but where I used to work, there was a woman 65, bags under her eyes, probably 80 or so pounds overweight, but she was full of joy, always laughing, was well groomed and younger men were flocking to her. Don’t think your best days are gone, they are just starting, but first you have to heal. Treat yourself gently. You’ve been through a lot.
But our past does NOT have to define who we are today! And even if we have vulnerabilities that we can’t seem to shake, then what we do is get some armor!!!
Good for you for writing! Burn the bridges to him so badly that even if you wanted him back, he would NOT come back. That is what I had to do, until I was strong enough to actually NOT want him back. I told him he owed me money and that if he ever bothered me again, I would file in small claims court which is virtually free, I told him that if I ever saw him I would rip him up one side and down the other no matter who was with him and that he better run if he saw me coming. I told him that some big male friends of mine knew the truth and all I had to do was give them the word and he would wish he had never met me. (I didn’t make any threats he could report). I told him I had talked to deputies about him and there was a record on him in case anything ever happened to me. I told him I had not one good memory of him. I told him if he ever contacted me via email or phone or in person, I would consider that stalking because I’ve asked him to not do those things. There was more, but I’m not posting it here, in case some how he would ever read this, because there are more things I did to protect myself that he does NOT know about.
So I did everything I could to make sure he would not contact me and that I would not be able to face myself if I contacted him. I HAD to do that, my body was reacting with vomiting, anxiety attacks, the runs….telling me I could not go on with him anymore.
You didn’t waste all those years. You discovered you are capable of true love, you are capable of great forgiveness, you are capable of surviving mistreatment….you are an incredible person!!!! Focus on what was GOOD about how YOU acted. Celebrate those things in you. They are still there. And now you know how to also protect yourself, as you have discovered, in a way that many people will never be capable of understanding, that there are people in the world who are out to hurt others and at this present time, we can’t help them anymore than we can help someone with Down’s syndrome. They can’t be normal. They can’t be “fixed”. Luckily, people wiht Down’s syndrome can be loving and have a pretty good life, and do so without hurting others. Not true for the men we were involved with!
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confused2 says:
Being with this man was exhausting, it was ALL about him and his wants and needs etc. I’m relieved to be free of him. But I’m having a bad morning/day. Before I found LF, I tried to call him a few days after I broke up with him, he didn’t answer and I didn’t leave a message, thank god. But the fact is HE didn’t want to talk to ME. He had already moved on and put me in the “crazy” department as he did with his exwife. I know he is incapable of feeling emotional pain like the rest of us, so is it so wrong to wish him physical pain at the very least. Where he works at he would start rumors to see how far they would go, supposedly as a joke. Now I’m thinking along the same lines as him!! He hated it when people talked about him behind his back. Maybe I should start telling people the truth about him and see how he likes it.
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justabouthealed says:
I just apologized on another blog for sounding “bossy”. Britneyhammer, that was my way, it may not be your way. But whatever you, and confused2 decided to do, you are not alone.
Just feeling energized today and I get too passionate!
I just want for us all to be OVER THIS!
Confused2, it is so hard to resist the revenge. I didn’t totally. But you can’t win with these guys. They are that determined to win. Always.
It is also hard to accept that they simply change the channel, while we are left devastated in the heart, even when the brain knows it is a good thing he is out of our life.
But for me, I had to really, really accept that NOTHING I could do would ever have the impact on him that I hoped it would, except that I knew I could make him not want to contact me ever again. Finally. After 40 years of mild stalking. He is finally out of my life, and almost locked out of my active brain. In fact I know I need to stop posting at some point! That is not true for everyone, thank goodness! I so admire those who stay and help, over and over.
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blueskies says:
Confused:)x I get the way you are thinking, but you know dont you that whatever you ‘do’ to him is futile. He doesnt give a CRAP about anything for a start, and you starting rumors will just give him another belly laugh becuase he will be able to 1.) say see? look, she’s a total loon trying to ruin me or 2.) help him to gauge how suckered in everyone is or isnt around him;enjoy that he’s duped everyone, OR give him a head’s up to move on because he see’s that people aren’t. Dont waste your energy on it spend it on you:)xxx
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blueskies says:
Hey JAH! You sound very up beat today and I love it! xx I want some!! I hope you have a great 4th of July:)xx (I dont know what that entails being a stuffy old Brit but I hope it’s a good-un;)xxx
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confused2 says:
blueskies, justabouthealed
I KNOW I have to let it go. Today I’m just having a difficult time with it. And in my mind he is having a WONDERFUL, FUN FILLED weekend and I’m home moping. Trust me the woman he’s with thinks she’s having the time of her life too, he won’t start his mindf**k games with her for a few months. And I’m not even thinking of warning her, she wouldn’t believe me and the S would think”awwww she misses me”. I don’t want to do anything to bring that twisted S back in my life. But I do have this urge to lash out at him…I have the above articles in my favorites, I have read some and will read more when I’m calmer. Thank you for letting me vent.
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justabouthealed says:
Just read two funny quotes:
“He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.”-George Elliot
“We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him”-Shelley Winters
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blueskies says:
I am sending you a great BIG HUG Confused 2.xx
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confused2 says:
justabouthealed
I’m laughing my butt off!!!
blueskies
Thank you, just what I needed today!
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britneyhammer says:
I am in awe at all you have written! I keep thinking I need to get things done (like organize and pay my bills and do the dishes- I feel so overwhelmed at how unmanageable my life is-I don’t know wha to do so I came back to LF) I had a glass of wine at lunchtime to ease my anxiety but it didn’t help-I got home and looked at my disorganized home and got more anxious.
I think about revenge all the time, sometime I wish he was dead-sometimes I pretend he’s dead-it helps. Then I want him to call-why? So he can tell me some more lies?
He’s gotten probably $100,000 from me all in all-isn’t that enough?
I feel so lonely and alone. I let a couple stay with me who was going through hard times, but started to feel taken advantage of so I asked them to leave-PROGRESS! Before, I would have let them stay. I just want someone to love me-but I know I have to love myself a little bit more before that happens—I’m just sick of the background sound of the TV being my companion. I want laughter again. Healing is so slow. My family has no clue that I am still having difficulty with this-they would be angry that I am letting him have “free rent” in my head. I’m miserable-but I’m grateful for all your posts and i know when i reread them I will be able to recieve more. My love to all of you
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shabbychic says:
I’ve been feeling the same as some of you… tired, rejected, blah. It helps to read the encouraging posts here. I’m in my early 50′s and I can’t believe my choices brought me to this place… alone.
I have quite a few girlfriends, but, you know what? They never call me, I’m always the one calling them, asking if they want to get together for a cup of coffee or lunch. I’m getting sick of it and I have 99% decided I’m not going to call them anymore, then I’ll really be alone. My sister is married, my brother has a girlfriend, I can’t be hanging around them constantly, they have their own lives to live and their own friends. I was going to women’s “meet-up” groups from the internet, we were doing some fun things, I didn’t know any of them very well + I can’t spend too much money going out.
I live on one coast and my daughter lives on the other one, that’s the worst of the whole thing.
So what is your opinion? Should I just give up of my “friends”?
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britneyhammer says:
no, hold onto them, you are lucky to have girlfriends! So what if you’re the one that calls- you are a go getter! Be grateful to have your friends. I only have one or two.One is a busy single mother. Another friend can’t understand where I’m at so I can’t be totally honest wth her.A friend is a gift. (Just my opinion).
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shabbychic says:
I thought I’d post this comment on the boredom thread… I can’t deal with this being alone stuff, it’s killing me, I can’t accept it, I have nobody to do anything with, girlfriends are busy or have husbands/boyfriends, I won’t go out by myself, so that’s out, I don’t know what to do, I am miserable to the point of just falling into the pit of depression.
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justabouthealed says:
I probably said this before, forgive me, but if you live anywhere near an animal shelter or a senior center, for example, there is someone who needs and will appreciate your love.
You have a right to your feelings, but if you want a way out, that is a good path. Get involved with giving love to someone who needs AND deserves it. And it will come back to you.
If you don’t want to go out alone, volunteer to foster a litter of kittens, they will bring a smile to your face and you will be saving lives. If you need help finding someone to foster for, let me know. And it is a step to new friends,furry and not.
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James says:
shabbychic
As a single parent myself I can sympathies with those emotions. Even with work and my children I too feel at times alone in a room full of people or even on a crowded bus. We are social creature and have a need for other people but this need can be even deeper insomuch we need that close bond that which can only be achieved by a special bond with an particular partner who we then bond with on many levels. This significant other is hard to find but I do believe find them we will if we are patience and learn more about ourselves. My personal caution with friends is to be careful and not take just anyone. To keep learning about one’s self so when that person does walk into our life we will know and be secure in that belief.
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shabbychic says:
JAH & James: Thank you for your supportive comments, I really appreciate it!!!!!!!!
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ANewLily says:
shabbychic, you wrote: “I can’t deal with this being alone stuff, it’s killing me,”
Just wanted you to remember that there are many of us in the same situation — no one to do fun stuff with, laugh with, discuss, celebrate holidays, etc. and never expecting we’d find ourselves in this position.
As one such person, I particularly identify with your comment about not wanting to go out by yourself. I am still healing from a broken hip (4 months now!!) and haven’t even been able to go out — so any of the new friends I made are long gone.
I’ve been able to drive though — but just to my doctors’ appointments. Yesterday, (Sunday) I was so frustrated that I drove to the pharmacy, hobbled in, and bought a cane — even though my orthpedist said not to get one. (Teenage rebellion revisited?)
And THEN, I drove to the nearest IHOP (a pancake house), sat in a booth by myself, and ordered a plate of Hawaiian pancakes. Of course I had a motivation — being totally tired of TV microwave meals!.
I sat there thinking, why was I so worried about going to a cafe by myself? This wasn’t difficult at all — and the pancakes were out of this world delicious.
Someday, I hope to have recovered enough to do some of the other activities, others have mentioned — as I once did!
In the meantime, I know I’ll take myself out to breakfast, lunch, or dinner ALL BY MYSELF again as the budget allows. I can do it!!
Try it, shabbychic, I’ll bet you’ll find it isn’t so difficult at all. Besides, the waiters and waitresses are always eager to chat a bit as they take your order and bring your food. I didn’t feel alone at all!!
I had brought a book along just in case I felt I needed it. I didn’t! I counted this a personal victory for me.
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blueskies says:
Hey Ms. Chic:)x
I understand how you are feeling. I am in the thros of a major weeding session of the toxic people I have been surrounded with my entire life, I am drawing my boundaries and there are people who dont like it, and it is scaring the crap out of me…that thought of being ‘alone’ (the last few days I just keep going back to kathleen’s wonderful self love article, it’s given me a lot of strength).
There is also the problem where the relationship with the s/p directly (through his smear campaigns) and indirectly through my total loss of confidence and depression, I have become isolated from or lost touch with people.
Last weekend I was invited to a birthday ‘do’ for a lovely friend of mine from years back,who I just havent made the effort to keep in conact with (boo for me) she REALLY is one of this worlds good guys, she is also a single parent like me (of an austicic child) doesnt have a big salary ect. but her positive outlook and goodness just makes her ‘shine’.
Aaanyway, I was very nervous, I think I have become slightly agorophobic, and I would be the only one who didnt know anyone but her at the party, but I went. I had a beautiful evening and ‘got my groove on’ for the first time in years! Her friends were gentle and welcoming, and I had a real boost from the experience.( excuse my waffling, I cant stop it!)
It has given me a bit of a kick up the bum: Now I am out of the FOG – I DO need to weed out or change the dynamic with those friends (I realise that not only is my family toxic, I need to draw some serious boundaries with some of my ‘close’ friends…they are not particularly nice, I have been playing lap dog for years) that are bad for me, but I also REALLY need to NURTURE those that are good kind people and wholesome to be around and NOT just let them slip off my radar only to be left with the vampires because they’re making all the noise!
Its not about wether they call me every day, or if we get together every weekend but choosing the people that are good for me which is wonderful and not as narcissistic as it sounds (I am not talking social climbing or financially here!) BECAUSE it means I can return it freely. does that make sense?
Maybe this time is an evaluation period for you, to think about the good healthy friendships you have and how to nurture them (and yourself) and the ones that are not so good and how to let them go a bit… what is GOOD for you? It’s turning out to be like that for me.
Going out on your own is fine, I have done it many time before I lost my confidence…
Dont loose friends who are good-un’s…by all means move away from the ones that aren’t and dont be afraid, even if your left with just ONE good-un, or none, you are changing the direction of your (social) life to a happier one and that is going to be a good thing.
Now – fancy coming over for a nice little BBQ and a jug of Pimms?! My garden is in full bloom, full of Jasmin, Lilies and Roses. Raspberries Cherries and plenty of mint for the Pimms:)x
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ErinBrockovich says:
Shabbychic:
I have always said…..it’s just us and our shadows…..at this point you are going to have to rely on your shadow.
I realized a few months back that no one was going to barge into my house and force me out into public to socialize and meet people…..I was going to have to ‘put’ myself out there…..just me and my shadow.
It’s all about where we are ‘at’ in our healing…….
Lonliness is a sad emotion……but necessary for healing……I found that only when I was just so sick of whatever stage I am in currently……that is when it’s time to move on to the next.
I made a point of ‘testing’ myself in ‘public’ by smiling (sometimes forced) at anyone I came across…..gas station, post office, grocery store etc….I LOVED the reaction I got….it was contageous and I caught on to it. I wanted to have that effect on people……
We need to be content with ourselves before we can be content with others.
Get to know who Shabbychic is…..whether it be sad, happy, lonely, frightened, estatic, bored…..when we know ourselves, we know how to react.
We need to deal with lonelyness like we dealt with the S’s. Head on. Take the boredom by the balls and get out there. We have to stop ourselves from ‘making ourselves’ invisible in the world…even when we do go out.
Use each ‘outing’ as a self esteem booster…..each time will empower you for the next. It’s like a snowball effect.
We have to be healthy and happy in our own skin, to attract what we all are looking for, whether it be a friendship or relationship.
Have faith that when YOU have done all the work on yourself that you need to do to heal from the S and destruction and pain……that is when things will turn around.
I so believe that everything happens for a reason and life will work out the way it should…….we may not be happy or expect the way it works out or the process along the way……but if we do the work…..the rewards will come.
Key to the boredom and lonelyness is PATIENCE, FAITH and CONTROL. Patience/faith and Control of/in our emotions, Patience/faith and control of/in our situation, Patience/faith and control of/in ourselves.
Your gonna have to get out in order to meet people, put that smile on and go for a coffee. Sit on a park bench, go to a dog park and pet others dogs……..go to church and stay for the social, volunteer at whatever you enjoy……start small and put a smile on your face and you will be empowered to do more and enjoy yourself. Like ANL said, it’s not as hard as we think…..the dread seems to take over……but your going to have to force yourself out of your shell to get out alone.
Take control and don’t allow your self to slip off into a lonely depression…..fight it with all you got……your a strong woman…..’shake it up’, strut your stuff girl and take along your shadow for encouragement!
XXOO
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ErinBrockovich says:
Blueskies and Anewlily:
GO GIRLS…..
Hawaiian pancakes…..ummmmmmmm!
Gettin a groove on…….yeah baby!
It really isn’t as dreadful as we think….once we are out, and let go, it’s a wonderful experience and one that we must experince.
I thought about ‘crashing’ weddings……everyone is always so accepting and happy at a wedding. I live in a small town and weddings seem to be the only ‘going’ on in the summer…..I guess I could go and ‘fit in’ and meet people that way huh? I could participate in the ‘conga line’, the toss (uugggh), dancing or just flit from table to table making new friends….
Okay…..maybe not!
For now I will stick to the art fairs and river activities and a nice wine bar for horsdoeuvres. Charity functions are always nice too……
Good night ladies……
XXOO
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shabbychic says:
Lily, Blue, Erin: Sorry I disappeared, went to bed early, got up early, just got home from work, so… a busy day, good! I appreciate your advice, I’ll have to try going out by myself again, I feel lonely and like a geek when I do that. I’ll try to practice some patience. I heard that song – Smile – sung today at Michael Jackson’s memorial service, hadn’t heard it in so long, it’s so true, made me cry for him and me, but now I’m gonna try to smile!!!! Thank you so much!
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ThornBud says:
Confused
sorry for belated comment, i lost myself in archive
u say: …”but I’m still thinking about him and wondering. I try to read and watch tv as much as I can, but I still think about him”.
No, my dear, u are not thinking about HIM, u are thinking about lovable person u believed he was. it is not Him, u have to accept that fact, “He” is nothing but ur imagination/need/wish creature in ur seduced mind.
When u really start thinking about Him, first u will want to do stop thinking
As for now, redirect ur thoughts to some REALLY nice , worthy person/thing, the same way as u would not bother ur brain thinking about chit
About boredom and emptines of N/P brains:
I asked my N/P to take me to his birth place, historical place known worldwide. Ive spent night before trip reading about it, and after we arrived i asked him to tell me about place, hoping i will get new knoledge, something i, maybe, had no chance to read in tourist guide book, some history facts…
U all may guess an answer i knew more about place than him. Without any embarasment he told me he is not interest in history (though on his Facebook profile , History was on the first place within his interests)
Love and blessings to all
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ThornBud says:
correction:
When u really start thinking about Him, first u will want to do IS TO stop thinking
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confused2 says:
ThornBud
I find myself still thinking about him constantly unless I advert my attention elsewhere. Yes I do think about the “good times” although I now realize they were all fake and manipulated to make me think he was this “awesome” person. I guess letting go of the illusion is going to be more difficult than I thought. And of course I know he is out there having fun with a beautiful younger woman and that cuts into my heart also. He’s telling her all the wonderful things he told me etc. She is going to a great time for a few months and then it’s reality time. I don’t want him back but I still miss the attention. I’ve ordered some books and I have a few books from the library to read from the suggested posts here. The constant thinking about him gets me the worst, I know it’s like an addiction but I thought it would at least lighten up after 6 weeks.
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justabouthealed says:
Well, at first I was spending about 20 hours a week journaling about him and the whole mess. I think I’m done to zero most of the time now. All of the time regarding the writing. Two years later.
Thinking it all through was a part time job!!!!
I finally got to a point where I could honestly say that there was not ONE THING that I wanted from him. Not an apology, not his funeral notice, nothing.
I was doing that exercise over and over from the Betrayal Bond book where you meet on a bridge (in your mind) to say a final goodbye. At first, all I could imagine was bombing the bridge.
Now I just walk calmly by the bridge, and ….that’s it. I just walk by.
You’ll get there.
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MariaLisa says:
My psychopathic ex used to always be submerged into something, whether it be his blackberry ( GLUED TO IT!!!), tv ( always on), reading at the same time, doing videogames, always doing something, rarely truly deeply interacting with someone. somethign eitehr had to happen right then and there or he shouldnt be bothered (w hilst engaged in any of the above mentioned) as he was decompressing! Yeah he was always entitled to decompression, while me and others catered tp his needs. Now this sounds crazy but he always made us pity him. He was so busy, he had been through so much, just be a good girl and be nice, be understanding….be loving…While I tried to give him the space he needed cause I understood his need to decompress, he was always submerged in conversations per blackberry with other women, I later found out.
This is all just him trying to be mentally occupied right? I just never understood why he wouldnt occupy with me a bit more ( more than superficially), I guess he wasnt capable and needed newer type thrills all the time….Like also computergames, tv and so forth provide?! A new action every second? Only thing I dont understand then is why he was capable of reading some good books ( which I have also read)….Anybody any ideas about this?
Pardon my English btw, Im not American but I am European with an American ex…( I constantly have to defend Americans to my European friends already as it i,s unfortunately, but he sure made that worse…haha)
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justabouthealed says:
Your english is fine! The P I was involved with was the same way, always multi tasking but never deeply engaged with the person he was with here and now. I think it has to do with the weird wiring in their brain, not being comfortable with true intimacy (to put it mildly) and afraid of being alone with their own thoughts. Plus part of their inflated sense of self is thinking they can multi task so well….NOT
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MariaLisa says:
Pianoman:
proper literature. i dont wanna name the writers cause it sorta reveals his identity when other victims of him would come here. and that wouldnt be the problem but im exposing quite some personal emotions here so…
but master works of literature. why do you ask?
the books were all about the evil side of men kind. thematically the lit suited the classic psychopath. ‘ man eat man world’ , ‘ the selfish against the selfishless’ , ‘ man against himself’ , ‘ the stupidity of ordinairy folks’ (im deliberately describing the themes this banal….) i would recommend him more inspirational lit and he would buy the books but accidently leave em somewhere and never read them…
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justabouthealed says:
type of books: Best sellers when they first come out, especially if by a single woman that met his “type” so he could write to her and try to make an “impressive conquest” or at least add her to the line of his back burner women. Also books that could tell him how to act or stay young.
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Leah says:
Great quotes. JAH. I noted them in my journal.
In a similar vein, my sister has referred to my ex as a legend in his own mind.
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Escapee says:
JAH (you post to confused)
I really like your analogy about the bridge. I think I’m a way behind you (still want to blow up the bridge with him on it!). However, the ‘journaling’ is down to zero, so that’s a good sign.
Confused: I have found the ‘longing for the attention/company’ has dissipated – I realise now the ‘nice’ guy was the illusion – this is a very painful leap but one that I am sure you will make once you pick up the other threads of your life and find meaning in them again (so much we let go of while we’re attending to their needs/demands).
Up until fairly recently, it was the first thing that I thought of when I opened my eyes in the morning – he was just ‘there’. I have noticed now that this is no longer the case and I am hugely glad of this – to reach this point I kept telling myself ‘out out out!’ I did a mantra every night before I went to sleep telling the people in my life (my family) “Ilove you John, I love you mum, I love you …..” etc. This put the emphasis back on the people who I truly love and care about and those who truly love and care about me. Don’t know if this will help you.
I still have the odd ‘black’ day but little by little, most days are good ones and the nights are certainly getting better.
My biggest goal is for ‘indifference’ – much as JAH describesin ‘just calmly walking on by the bridge”. While I am still angry, outraged etc, I am feeling a passion that I don’t want to feel for the S. Once I am indifferent – it’s gone. That’s my take on it anyway – I think we all have to find what works for us in re-programming our thoughts and emotions to make life manageable again.
All love to you Confused and keep posting for strength.
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MariaLisa says:
To JUSTHEALED:
you think its because they dont want to be alone with their thoughts or because there is so little emotion going on within them that they need constant stimuli?
i have no idea, i cant imagine either. cause not wanting to be alone with your thoughts would suggest being confronted with ‘ your inner voice’ and isnt that a conscience?
let me know what you think.
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MariaLisa says:
yeah, he was smart. i wish i could say he was just a redneck, but low cultured as he may be on a lot of levels, he was damn smart.
he read great literary works. its how we bonded at first since its my passion. however he got different things out of it than me….but i was always curious to find out his view on things because his view was always so radically new and different. however i found out he also gets a lot of his ‘insights’ from just copy pasting if you know what i mean. he also told me things an exgirlfriend of his told him. LITERALLY. so i do sometimes wonder to which extent he was capable of having authentic thoughts on emotional matters. but i do believe his view on other themes were his, mainly because looking back they provided some logic looking back at his deeds. manipulation, man eat man world, stuff like that.
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MariaLisa says:
nope not them.i meant literary fictional masterpieces. not the stereotypical nietzsche and Machiavelli. that way we probably wouldnt have connected either, cause those are just about power. he would know that wouldnt interest me i guess. dunno.
what is your experience with a psychopath?
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Escapee says:
Maybe not!
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MariaLisa says:
Escapee:
yes though: why did you think i asked him about his experience with a psychopath, i only just ( after the where are you from comment) started to read back and noticed how pianoman never shares his story.
Thanks Escapee for the support. I thought this would be a healing spot but maybe also a learning spot at the same time, all over again.
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Donna Andersen says:
Lovefraud Bloggers:
Please do not be quick to jump to conclusions about another’s motivations. I am ending this thread.
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