Comments on: After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 10 – Forgiving http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/ Wake up to the danger of sociopaths Wed, 08 Feb 2012 07:17:13 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: verity http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/comment-page-5/#comment-115249 verity Sun, 17 Apr 2011 10:57:28 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/#comment-115249 Skylar: "I guess it is ego to hate or to have pity. I need to rid myself of the ego. I’ve known that for a while but forgot. Ego is really hard to get rid of!" This is so good. I know a lot of people won't agree with this but it's how I feel today (and my feelings are prone to change). My emotions are so much more steady now, and forgiveness isn't what I used to think it was. I can still know a person's behaviour is appalling, but I don't have to take it on. That's probably the best they can do, the same as this is the best I can do. It is ego to hate or to have pity. If we hate them they have power over us, and that means we're still identifying too closely with what happened. We're identifying with it so closely because we maybe still believe we somehow deserved it. We haven't processed it or the original hurt yet. We haven't integrated it, to use the trauma word. They've given us a narcissistic injury of the worst kind because it reminded us of our childhood (some of us, at least). Hate turning slooooowly into righteous, self-protective anger and then just seeing it as it is without the strong emotions, is just right. If we pity them, maybe we're trying to big ourselves up. We just have to know that *we* don't behave that way and we don't accept people treating us that way any more. One of my spiritual gurus, Richard Rose, says we have to 'fatten the head before we chop it off'. For many of us, our heads weren't fat enough when we were preyed on/used/conned. By that I mean that we had low self-opinions, we were very badly broken already. We can't drop the ego until it's mended, that's false forgiveness. It cannot be hurried. We don't mean it because we still feel a lack or a loss of some kind. We possibly won't drop the ego completely while we're in the body because we have to move in this world, as a personality. The best you can do is to sit beside yourself and not take it so seriously any more, be strong enough to see it as the story that it is. It's not who you really are, not all you are. It's just the past, telling you stories. The person I met is still writing me letters, which I don't open. I've moved far enough away from my ego not to have to read him for almost a year now. His ego is still trying to convince me of something, but the past is over for me. When I don't read his words he calls it abuse. I used to agree, but now I know it's a boundary! Aha! Revelation! I had none, and any I did try to have were trampled over because that wasn't feeding HIS needs. His opinion of me is irrelevant now. My opinion of him shouldn't matter to him. Total acceptance of who I am and who he is, that's love (but not necessarily liking). Love is all that's left once you stop believing the ego's stories. I accept everybody for who they are, AND I accept myself, warts and all. But accepting BEHAVIOUR is another thing entirely. That would just be foolish. Skylar:

“I guess it is ego to hate or to have pity. I need to rid myself of the ego. I’ve known that for a while but forgot. Ego is really hard to get rid of!”

This is so good. I know a lot of people won’t agree with this but it’s how I feel today (and my feelings are prone to change). My emotions are so much more steady now, and forgiveness isn’t what I used to think it was. I can still know a person’s behaviour is appalling, but I don’t have to take it on. That’s probably the best they can do, the same as this is the best I can do. It is ego to hate or to have pity. If we hate them they have power over us, and that means we’re still identifying too closely with what happened. We’re identifying with it so closely because we maybe still believe we somehow deserved it. We haven’t processed it or the original hurt yet. We haven’t integrated it, to use the trauma word. They’ve given us a narcissistic injury of the worst kind because it reminded us of our childhood (some of us, at least). Hate turning slooooowly into righteous, self-protective anger and then just seeing it as it is without the strong emotions, is just right.

If we pity them, maybe we’re trying to big ourselves up. We just have to know that *we* don’t behave that way and we don’t accept people treating us that way any more.

One of my spiritual gurus, Richard Rose, says we have to ‘fatten the head before we chop it off’. For many of us, our heads weren’t fat enough when we were preyed on/used/conned. By that I mean that we had low self-opinions, we were very badly broken already. We can’t drop the ego until it’s mended, that’s false forgiveness. It cannot be hurried. We don’t mean it because we still feel a lack or a loss of some kind. We possibly won’t drop the ego completely while we’re in the body because we have to move in this world, as a personality. The best you can do is to sit beside yourself and not take it so seriously any more, be strong enough to see it as the story that it is. It’s not who you really are, not all you are. It’s just the past, telling you stories.

The person I met is still writing me letters, which I don’t open. I’ve moved far enough away from my ego not to have to read him for almost a year now. His ego is still trying to convince me of something, but the past is over for me. When I don’t read his words he calls it abuse. I used to agree, but now I know it’s a boundary! Aha! Revelation! I had none, and any I did try to have were trampled over because that wasn’t feeding HIS needs.

His opinion of me is irrelevant now. My opinion of him shouldn’t matter to him. Total acceptance of who I am and who he is, that’s love (but not necessarily liking). Love is all that’s left once you stop believing the ego’s stories. I accept everybody for who they are, AND I accept myself, warts and all. But accepting BEHAVIOUR is another thing entirely. That would just be foolish.

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]]> By: ErinBrock http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/comment-page-5/#comment-115210 ErinBrock Sun, 17 Apr 2011 05:30:54 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/#comment-115210 Forgiving..........yep......forgiving.........haven't got there yet! Forgiving……….yep……forgiving………haven’t got there yet!

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]]> By: Twice Betrayed http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/comment-page-5/#comment-113407 Twice Betrayed Tue, 05 Apr 2011 16:04:35 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/#comment-113407 Thank you LF family for answering from your hearts! ❤ Hens: AGREE! Sounds like a GREAT plan! Oxy: Your post made me LOL and relate. GREAT post, as always I appreciate your wit and wisdom! Stargazer: Thank you for your kind words and remembering me! And you are so right-we are "resilient spirits". Sky: What an awesome post! I really benefited from your input of experience. I agree with you about the P's. Their job is to "rob us of life"-excellent expression! Well, they can't get our souls. LF is priceless, I so agree! Love to you, Sky! ❤ Gem: We're kindred spirits! Yes, the little things-you're right too, along with Ox on this. Animals. ❤ Thank you LF family for answering from your hearts! ❤

Hens: AGREE! Sounds like a GREAT plan!

Oxy: Your post made me LOL and relate. GREAT post, as always I appreciate your wit and wisdom!

Stargazer: Thank you for your kind words and remembering me! And you are so right-we are “resilient spirits”.

Sky: What an awesome post! I really benefited from your input of experience. I agree with you about the P’s. Their job is to “rob us of life”-excellent expression! Well, they can’t get our souls. LF is priceless, I so agree! Love to you, Sky! ❤

Gem: We’re kindred spirits! Yes, the little things-you’re right too, along with Ox on this. Animals. ❤

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]]> By: Hope to heal http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/comment-page-5/#comment-113403 Hope to heal Tue, 05 Apr 2011 15:56:26 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/#comment-113403 Dear Hens ~ "[I shut the door on the past and here I am] ….so let’s enjoy the peace and let our true identity catch up with us….sound like a plan?" I love this plan!!! What a wonderful mantra. Dear Hens ~

“[I shut the door on the past and here I am] ….so let’s enjoy the peace and let our true identity catch up with us….sound like a plan?”

I love this plan!!! What a wonderful mantra.

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]]> By: agreenbean http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/comment-page-5/#comment-113396 agreenbean Tue, 05 Apr 2011 15:00:35 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/#comment-113396 i think they all have an obsession with a WEAPON. be it guns, knives, their bodies, or words. its about power. i think they all have an obsession with a WEAPON. be it guns, knives, their bodies, or words. its about power.

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]]> By: Ana http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/comment-page-5/#comment-113394 Ana Tue, 05 Apr 2011 14:11:12 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/#comment-113394 Superkid10, I had a friend (female) spath. She was obsessed with money (mine), or anyone she could steal it from. She also hid knives all over her apt. I think because she screwed over so many people (history of larceny 20yrs worth), she knew someone was eventually going to catch up to her and kick her effin door in. Superkid10,
I had a friend (female) spath. She was obsessed with money (mine), or anyone she could steal it from. She also hid knives all over her apt. I think because she screwed over so many people (history of larceny 20yrs worth), she knew someone was eventually going to catch up to her and kick her effin door in.

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]]> By: superkid10 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/comment-page-5/#comment-113390 superkid10 Tue, 05 Apr 2011 13:23:16 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/#comment-113390 Skylar I've done some research. On average, we are granted 25,000 mornings in a lifetime. I gave three years, or 1,000 mornings to my sociopath, which is 6% of the mornings that I've already consumed. Water under the bridge. The more important thing is that I'm giving him 0% of the 9000 mornings that I've yet to enjoy. F*ck him. All, I read some old posts last night where one of the LCWs I think proposed that most if not all sociopaths have a pre-occupation with guns (not a scientific fact, but noticed by others). My sociopath was indeed an expert marksman. He also had a preoccupation with money - I mean, WAY WAY over the top to the point it was an obsessive compulsive disorder. These two things - guns and money - were his major preoccupation...along with meaningless, cold heartless sex of course. Do all sociopaths share this same obsession? It would have been interesting to ask this question in the survey we all recently took. Superkid10 Skylar

I’ve done some research. On average, we are granted 25,000 mornings in a lifetime. I gave three years, or 1,000 mornings to my sociopath, which is 6% of the mornings that I’ve already consumed. Water under the bridge. The more important thing is that I’m giving him 0% of the 9000 mornings that I’ve yet to enjoy. F*ck him.

All,

I read some old posts last night where one of the LCWs I think proposed that most if not all sociopaths have a pre-occupation with guns (not a scientific fact, but noticed by others). My sociopath was indeed an expert marksman. He also had a preoccupation with money – I mean, WAY WAY over the top to the point it was an obsessive compulsive disorder.

These two things – guns and money – were his major preoccupation…along with meaningless, cold heartless sex of course.

Do all sociopaths share this same obsession? It would have been interesting to ask this question in the survey we all recently took.

Superkid10

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]]> By: geminigirl http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/comment-page-5/#comment-113383 geminigirl Tue, 05 Apr 2011 06:36:55 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/#comment-113383 TB darling I know exactly how you feel, like I wasted around 26 years of my life on my kids who I know now never did love me, and an alcoholic husband who was great when he was sober! Its kind of a numbing feeling, but we have to believe it wasnt all for nothing! Im lucky ,VERY lucky in that I now have a loving husband,but it still doesnt take a way the pain of having spaths for daughters. THANK GOD for LF,at least I am now aware of Gaslighting, etc., and knowledge is power! After 2 years NC with older spath D I only now am starting to feel Im coming out of the FOG of fear, Obligation and guilt.At last I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and know its not a train coming to run me over! Life DOES get so much better without spaths in your life.NC really is the key. Like Oxy, Im just enjoying little things each day, like feeding my tame Lorikeets,{parrots }every day, watching my herbs grow, my baby eggplants are doing well, my little Poodle is such a Joy!I have to believe there with finally be a day when Im free of all these terrible emotions, fear, grief, guilt, anger,sadness, denial, etc.To reach the Nirvana of indifference. Not there yet, learning is a life times work!,If we all join hands well make a healing ring around the Earth! Love, Mama gemXX TB darling I know exactly how you feel, like I wasted around 26 years of my life on my kids who I know now never did love me, and an alcoholic husband who was great when he was sober!
Its kind of a numbing feeling, but we have to believe it wasnt all for nothing!
Im lucky ,VERY lucky in that I now have a loving husband,but it still doesnt take a way the pain of having spaths for daughters. THANK GOD for LF,at least I am now aware of Gaslighting, etc., and knowledge is power!
After 2 years NC with older spath D I only now am starting to feel Im coming out of the FOG of fear, Obligation and guilt.At last I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and know its not a train coming to run me over!
Life DOES get so much better without spaths in your life.NC really is the key.
Like Oxy, Im just enjoying little things each day, like feeding my tame Lorikeets,{parrots }every day, watching my herbs grow, my baby eggplants are doing well, my little Poodle is such a Joy!I have to believe there with finally be a day when Im free of all these terrible emotions, fear, grief, guilt, anger,sadness, denial, etc.To reach the Nirvana of indifference. Not there yet, learning is a life times work!,If we all join hands well make a healing ring around the Earth!
Love,
Mama gemXX

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]]> By: skylar http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/comment-page-5/#comment-113374 skylar Tue, 05 Apr 2011 05:24:29 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/#comment-113374 thanks for the hug (((Hope to heal))) I'm so glad we have each other too. we're all teaching each other and holding each other's hands. This must be the closest thing to what heaven is like, here on earth. Superkid, I'm proud of you for hanging on and yes, you can send me the book, I'd like to read it. thanks for the hug (((Hope to heal)))
I’m so glad we have each other too. we’re all teaching each other and holding each other’s hands. This must be the closest thing to what heaven is like, here on earth.

Superkid,
I’m proud of you for hanging on and yes, you can send me the book, I’d like to read it.

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]]> By: Hope to heal http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/comment-page-5/#comment-113373 Hope to heal Tue, 05 Apr 2011 05:06:49 +0000 http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/06/14/after-the-sociopath-how-do-we-heal-part-10-forgiving/#comment-113373 (((Skylar))) oh my, big hugs to you dear!! You are a Godsend to all of us here. Helping others, and venting to others in a safe place is such a healing experience. After the things life has thrown at us, we need this safe place. I feel truly blessed to have arrived here at LF. I always find that having a good cry is like having a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. Blessings to you Sky! (((Skylar))) oh my, big hugs to you dear!! You are a Godsend to all of us here.

Helping others, and venting to others in a safe place is such a healing experience. After the things life has thrown at us, we need this safe place. I feel truly blessed to have arrived here at LF.

I always find that having a good cry is like having a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. Blessings to you Sky!

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