Marriage to a sociopath ends in murder
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The beautiful young woman in the photo above is dead. On October 7, 2008, in Odessa, Texas, Kelsi Miller was murdered by her husband, Jarrett Weaver, a young man who fit the profile of a sociopath. He, too, is dead. Lovefraud just published their tragic story: Jarrett Weaver shoots his wife, then he shoots himself.
It’s heart-wrenching, worst-case scenario of what happens when people don’t understand the evil of a sociopath.
Kelsi Miller had everything going for her. Besides her obvious beauty, she was accomplished and caring. She was studying to be a nurse. Jarrett Weaver, however, was a manipulative drug addict who couldn’t hold a job. He was violent on the eve of their wedding, and the violence escalated to the unthinkable.
All the warning signs were there, if Kelsi had known what they meant. Jarrett rushed her into marriage. At age 22, he already had terrible credit, and all the bills were in Kelsi’s name. He erupted into rage many times. When his rage turned into assault and he was arrested, he pleaded for Kelsi to take him back, promising he would change and dedicate his life to God. He isolated her from family and friends. He threatened to kill her tiny pet Chihuahuas.
But Kelsi behaved as many women caught in domestic violence situations behave. Wanting to believe Jarrett’s promises and not his actions, she took him back. She didn’t tell her parents, who were justifiably concerned, what was really going on. She believed her husband, who so often proclaimed his love, would never harm her.
Kelsi Miller was wrong.
This case also shows what happens when sociopathy mixes with drugs. Sociopaths live to exert power and control over others. This makes them aggressive. Sociopaths also lives for thrills, which often makes them drug abusers. Jarrett Weaver was using alcohol, marijuana and Xanax. He was also abusing steroids, which probably made him even more aggressive—to the point where he lost control.
Or maybe he wanted to go out in a blaze of glory. We’ll never know.
This tragic story illustrates why the world needs to understand sociopaths. The messages we all hear about “there’s good in everyone” are false. In fact, those messages are dangerous. And to whom are they dangerous? To the people who truly are filled with good.
Read Jarrett Weaver shoots his wife, then he shoots himself.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
kindheart48 says:
Hey guys, just went out to grocery store and met the s on the road and he waved. Im still thinking at times that he’s the illusion but i know better, it’s just that you want to beleive so badly that he cares. My father is very ill right now and it’s hard to beleive that i spent 6 years addicted to a man that gave nothing. I’ve been a while in the no contact and busy with my son who was home for a visit an d now back out west and it’s starting to sink in that i have nobody other than my children etc. The 6 years i spent with the s , i feel as though i was lovestarved and it would be so nice to have a man who cared and i know i’ve proven that i can take care of myself but at times i think, “gosh wouldn’t it be nice to have a sleepover with some man who truly cares about me” . The s never spent 1 neight in 6 years at my home . I’ve got lots to keep me occupied it’s just that i feel like i’ve been so deprived and the truth is , i have been. I know when the time is right it will happen but it seems like it’s been a long time coming. I look around me and it seems as if most of my gf’s will settle for someone here and there but i kept hanging on to the s. the old devil you know is better but i know it’s just fear and i have a good reason to be fearful. Im hoping that in the near future i’ll at least be will ing to date but for now im so dam lonely at times. love kindheart
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Matt says:
kindheart48:
I was wondering how it was going for you and your father. I’ve had about 6 hours of sleep since I rushed my mother to the hospital last Friday night and have been pretty much up at the ICU ever since.
One thing I realized about staying with the devil you know — you can only do that if you’re getting something worthwhile from him. At least that way you can justify the tradeoffs ie good sex even though he’s an asshole. However, when you are getting zip in return and putting up with an asshole, what’s the point?
That’s what I did with S, and never again. At the moment I’ve got somebody in my life — nice guy, great sex, but I’ve got zero interest in him outside the bedroom. So, while it works for the moment, I realize I need more. Which I guess is a sign how far I’ve come that I miss the S less and less each day and can actually contemplate not only being in a relationship which is based just on sex, but that I — that’s right — me, myself and I actually deserve to have my needs met — both emotionally and sexually — as opposed to what I had with S — which was none of the above.
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kindheart48 says:
Matt, unfortunately the asshole was impotent almost from the getgo so it’s no wonder i feel a little shorted(pardon the pun) and i was insanely loyal(stupid stockholm syndrome) the whole 6 years. Hopefully i get a real stud next time and i wish i could do the casual sex thing but im too dam afraid to even venture into that realm. I think i need to have feelings for someone before i get myself into trouble again. Sorry to hear about your mom. My stepmom just left, i fed her dinner and made a plate up for her and i was a lttle down about my Dad but she’s pretty optimisti c tonight as he had all the tubes etc. take n out and he said not to ocount him out yet and he did eat a little solid food today so although the longterm prognosis isn’t very good , he’s anxious to get home to the farm. Im staying out of contact with my brother for the time being but im not letting it affect me visiting my father. I wish things were different and we were closer my brother and i but i understand with the alcoholism etc. that he’s not going to be the best person he can be and that’s ok but i’m going to do what i feel is best regardless of what he thinks. It’s all about control and im so done with having people control me. When i saw the s today i went into the magical thinking but i can’t go back as i get shaky and anxious just thinking or seeing him and i know that’s a sign i ignored for way too long. When someone makes you feel edgy , go the other way. I read somewhere , that it’s a paradoxical response to trauma and it sure has been my experience . Crazy how i would go right to something that made me feel so horrible, but it’s the little bit of comfort and i mean Little that kept me going back. I will just suffer through the loneliness and hope that it pays off some day and i find that special someone and same for you. It’s good that at least you are realizing you want more, you are knowing more of yourself. I know i’m still trying to figure out what the heck it is that i want. love kindheart.
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Done says:
Hi Kindheart,
I only read the last couple comments on this post, I plan on reading more later. I hope your father improves soon.
I was insanely loyal to my S, as well, even though he couldn’t get it up sometimes, and always used sex for power. We’d go weeks w/o having sex, it was awful. I’m not comfortable having casual sex either, so I hope that someday we can meet good men who meet all of our needs. I hope that someday is soon! I did not have sex with anyone but the S for TEN years, even when we were separated–so I feel your pain! Your mention Stockholm syndrome made me laugh, bc I’d wondered if I had it myself in the past. There really is no other option aside from waiting for that right person–someone that will make us forget the S ever even existed.
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Done says:
Matt,
“One thing I realized about staying with the devil you know — you can only do that if you’re getting something worthwhile from him. At least that way you can justify the tradeoffs ie good sex even though he’s an asshole. ***However, when you are getting zip in return and putting up with an asshole, what’s the point?***”
***AMEN!***
If I were to make a list of pros/cons of the S, I think the only pro would be “sense of humor” which looking back, wasn’t all that funny since most of it was hidden truths/clues to who he really was!
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kindheart48 says:
Done and Matt, about the only pro i can come up with is my s was extreemely sarcastic which is a humour im ashamed to admit to enjoying and i do think that at some level i identified with his pain , it’s hard to explain but as much as i am emotionally a total 180 fro m him there was something i identified with him. Still not quite sure what it was , i was at the lowest point of my life when i met him and i think when im extremely down and lonely i always knew that i could count on him to take advantage, wow i just answered my own question. What a revelation, kind of come and kick me when im down . He definately was not the person you wanted to jump for joy with , more of a spoiler of fun.
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Matt says:
Done and kindheart48:
At least you both have one pro you can come up with. I can’t even come up with one. 15 months I put up with him and what did I get? Lousy sex, endless agita and a person who wasn’t even a good date since he wasn’t all that bright and a lousy conversationalist.
What the hell was I thinking? Oh. That’s right. I wasn’t.
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kindheart48 says:
i hate to sound like a broken record with this same issue over and over but it drives me nuts because i know how stupid my thinking is, i get this thinking that he’s going to be better with the next person, his new biker chick. I know on one hand how stupid it is, what is he going to not be a sociopath with her? Do you guys ever think that way. Hope for the day when i don;t give a dam how he’s treating anyone . It’s prob because i get infuriated when i think of how shitty he was with me and how i allowed it. Hit me with that dam frying pan will you guys. Hahah
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henry says:
Kindheart – We will both get a fryin pan and take turns boinking each other. I am afraid to even mention that I still feel that way cause Oxy will get me good. Been well over a year now and I still have those thoughts. But then I think OK he was in HOW MANY bad relationships before me? And he met the new guy and in a matter of a few weeks moved in with him? Duh – do the math HENRY – he found somebody new that he can con and manipulate and play his power games…yeah I am sure it was all hunky dory at first – and if he found true love and happiness and is better off with out me than so be it – I sure as hell dont want to ever live the nitemare I lived with him again. I think what makes us think that way is because overtime they destroy who we were and we are left with this big mess (us) too fix so it doesnt happen again and they just get to go on being assholes…and I know with out a doubt he is a sociopath – at least I have stopped questioning myself about that – I know I did alot of bad things but I know why – so in time I wont wonder if he is happier without me cause in reality he never knew me to begin with – it was not his desire to get to know me but to get what he could – knowing the whole time it was a tempory thing for him
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shabbychic2 says:
kindheart: He is not going to be better with the next person (the biker chick). He’s a impotent asshole, he hasn’t changed, he never will, there is no miracle here that he is suddenly a loving & caring person, a fantastic lover. He’s still an impotent asshole. I was with a N/S for years who suffered from PE, he would only last about 30 seconds! He was an asshole too. Now I just pity anybody he’s with. I might be alone and lonely sometimes, but I’m not with that jerk. Oh, and the first time I had sex with somebody after I broke up with him, well, um, it lasted for quite a while, and, um, well, I couldn’t believe I put up with the other crap!!! What was I thinking? (as Matt said “I wasn’t”). So if I am ever in a relationship again the sex will have to be good and the relationship will have to be good. At least that is something to look forward to instead of something limp, if you catch my drift.
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henry says:
shabby – nevermind……rotflmao
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Rosa says:
Kindheart:
I agree with ShabbyChic2.
He is not going to be better with the next person. He might try to make it “appear” like it’s better, because he wants to rub your face in it (if he’s anything like mine was). But it is all fake.
If your relationship with this guy was anything like mine was with my ex S boyfriend, the only thing real in this whole situation was YOUR LOVE FOR HIM. Everything else was an illusion that he created with lies.
Ladies, if you are lonely, you need to get a vibrator. Vibrators are wonderful.
At least until the right man comes along.
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shabbychic2 says:
henry, Ha. I know. Me too. ROTFLMAO feels better than anything he ever did!!
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henry says:
ROSA – I was going to say that…but my x didnt have erectile dysfunction just a personality dysfunction……..
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henry says:
I dont think this was the kind of support Kindheart was needing. people dont change – we dont change – we learn about ourselves and about other’s and that is not always good – so we move on and try to do better and be better – I will never see my X again – that is comforting to me now….
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Rosa says:
Henry:
It is after midnight and I am obviously getting tired and loopy.
I need sleep.
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OxDrover says:
Kindheart,
As long as you go back and back in your thinking, you will stay stuck.
No, Henry, I won’t BOINK you for that, I know a certain amount of this is natural and normal with us all. In fact, this past week I got an idea when I read this really great book on psychopathic kids that if I gave a copy to my egg donor she would see my P-son in it and SEE THE LIGHT. I even thought that I could have contact with her (not trusting her of course) but even after I had ordered an extra copy of teh book for her I still felt that way and then BOINK, my cast iron skillet flew jout of the oven ALL BY ITSELF and BOUINKED ME ON THE HEAD and I realized that ALL THE GOOD BOOKS IN THE WORLD aren’t going to change her IRON CLAD DENIAL.
Our minds will try to go back, but WE HAVE TO USE OUR BRAINS to take control of our thinking and WE CAN IF WE WORK AT IT.
Kindheart, do you really want to BE some “biker chick” so you could be “loved by” him with his limp willie? Get your chit together, all the advice and support from us isn’t going to do any good if you don’t put it into practice! NO MAN is going to make your life complete, you must do that for yourself, and THEN and only then can you have a good relationship with a GOOD MAN.
Until WE stop the MAGICAL THINKING that someone else is going to “make us happy” and “make me complete” we would just go round and round in a circle picking one broken Psychopath after another and trying to fix them or hold on to them. Been there and done that and I’m tired of being on a hamster wheel, it gets you no where! (((hugs))) and my prayers for all of us!
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Matt says:
OxDrover:
How went the barn burning? That’s one way to drive the sociopaths off your land.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Matt,
Well, actually it is not on fire yet! However, I have not heard one word from them about their stuff. It has actually been unsafe to torch it recently, HOWEVER, my sons went through the stuff left down there and saw several things that they wanted so they are hauling out what they want before we do torch it. Most of the stuff has been totally ruined by moisture, mice, and so on, but there are tools and other odds and ends that are still okay and would be useful so they are taking what of it that they want before the torching.
My son D who has actually known these people for longer than I have, and, at ONE TIME idolized them both (but fortunately now sees the light) said he predicts that we won’t hear from them for MONTHS as they have no problem “imposing” on us by keeping the place crammed to the rafters so that we can’t get in there to salvage the useful items from the structure before we burn it.
Copnsidering that she has stolen several thousand dollars worth of stuff from me, over the years (some of which I have actually found and retrieved) and many many “sentimental” items of little or no monetary value, I don’t have a problem with the boys getting whatever there is there that they can use or want. I know she has a couple of rented storage lockers elsewhere that she probably has most of MY stuff in so that I would not prowl around and accidently find it but there were a few things of mine I DID find.
The biggest BENEFIT to this whole thing was that my son D has FINALLY SEEN THE LIGHT about these people. the man was his scout master and later friend from the time he was a little kid. The wife puts on this “sweetness and light” act that is priceless. She knows I have seen through her entirely though, and now is BARELY able to stand to be around me the few times I have seen her. I’ve caught her violating boundaries so many times (like one of NOT coming here if she doesn’t call first or if I am not home or it is not convenient) I’ve caught her a couple of times trying to sneak in here to the farm….I’m not sure what she is after that doesn’t belong to her but there is SOMETHING. LOL
We have combination locks on all outbuildings and the gate which we lock when we leave so she would be unable to get into any building, or to actually drive on to the farm but doesn’t keep her jfrom TRYING. LOL The last time she showed up here (thinking I would be gone that day) and I caught her she was so tight-jawed I thought she would break her teeth. I just pretended like I swallowed her cover story and NEVER LET HER OUT OF MY SIGHT. At that time they still had a FEW items here that belonged to them. I just followed her around while she loaded up a few, keeping up a “polite chatter” all the time.
I actually would tell them to get F’d except I need his testimony in a law suit I have against a major aircraft manufacturer who stole the aviation equivalent of a “patent” for some equipment my husband invented and used it without payment to him. I have a good aviation specialist attorney AND an intellectual property attorney so there is a good chance I will eventually prevail for some settlement. But I have decided that WHATEVER happens about the testimony, it doesn’t matter to me—even if it means I lose the case.
I’m just tired of dealing with them. The fact that my son D finally sees the “light” about them is really all that matters to me. He is INTENSELY LOYAL to his friends and until he saw the light about what they ARE and waht they DO, that they are USERS and do NOT attempt to help themselves, but sponge off of others and use and abuse others, as well as out right theft of anything that they want that you have, they feel entitled to take for themselves. Even if it is something they actually have NO USE for, I could see that it hurt him very much for me to be “angry” at them.
He felt caught in the middle between two opposing groups that he loved both of. Now at this time, HIS pain about that is gone. He is saddened of course, but he realizes the TRUTH of what they ARE. What they have done. Sees that all the years that he did things for them were unappreciated.
My “diagnosis” on them has changed from when I first saw that they were dysfunctional and to teh extent. I think she is a very high level N, bordering on P, with ENTITLEMENT and a great deal of envy, but no remorse at all. The man of the couple is a dependent personality disorder who wants others to do for him, but narcissistic enough to feel entitled to people to do things for him, to take on his problems. He is physically disabled (broke his back at age 19, had many surgeries over theyears) but is now a “chronic pain patient” doing a huge amount of drugs (legall and illegal) and unwilling to take responsibility for his own life or do for himself what he CAN DO. he lives in a fantasy land financially and does not manage money well, so they are going deeper and deeper into poverty, ,and resent the hell out of the fact that I have what I have, and feel entitled to me helping them, providing for them, etc. Thank God I got on to that and put a stop to it a while back when I told them they must leave here about a year ago. I had allowed them to park their motor home here free, just pay their own utilities, and to use my facilities, etc. but they wanted me to give them a “deed” to the place and cow-tow to their wishes, desires, etc. and I was just getting to where I could start to see that I was WALKING ON EGG SHELLS around them so I wouldn’t offend them. LOL
That was about a year ago, and it seems a long time ago in some ways, but I actually cried for three days before I told them that they would have to LEAVE HERE “IT JUST WASN’T WORKING”….It was odd too, that they never even asked “Why” LOL On their way out, she took 2 plastic 5 gal water jugs I had for camping (just didn’t know what happened to them of course LOL)
I can sit here now, though, and look back and actually laugh at how I was afraid to confront either of them, how guilty I felt about “turning them out” of a place to stay. Gosh, I HAVE COME A LONG WAY in a year.
Learning to set firm and reasonable boundaries with people who are “close” to me has always been a problem, but now I am able to do that, so in the end, I got a good lesson and some practice in doing just that. My son finally saw the light, and there has been growth around it all. I also realize that though these people can be bright, funny, charming, etc. that they didn’t add anything to my life but chaos and problems.
I’m looking at things a great deal more logically and less emotionally than I did last year at this time.
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kindheart48 says:
Ox you are right with your advice. All i have to do is look at the losers track record and it speaks volumes. And the part about looking to someone else for happiness is definatley my weak spot. I did the same with my husband and iremember quite well when he left , i knew then and there that if he couldn’t make me happy, nobody could but i’ts just so natural for my thinking to go in that direction but i know that im responsible for my own happiness. I’ve always looked outside myself for happiness, be it in the booze, another person, anything but inward . It’s like rewiring my thinking and very hard to do but i know i’ve tried all the other ways and they didn’t work. Thanks for being straight with me . kh
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OxDrover says:
Dear Kind heart,
Hun, I KNOW what magical thinking is, I’ve done it all my life, and I know how it is to put your happiness in someone else’s hands, I’ve done that most of my life too.
I know you’ve got an F’d up family, probably at least as F’d-up as mine, but we CAN overcome this “rough start” because NOW we KNOW what the right path is….and while we have teh choice to sit and whine about how badly our families treat us, or others treat/ed us, that path doesn’t lead to anything except self pity and more whining. I’ve done my share of whining, “Oh, poor me!” and you know, it isn’t much fun, so the only OTHER choice is to “act like a grown up” and take charge of our own lives and DO SOMETHING POSITIVE.
Learn to set boundaries for these arse-holes and psychopaths and the ONLY “boundary” that works with THEM is NO CONTACT…and that also includes to quit thinking about them and think about taking care of ourselves.
I’m glad I didn’t offend you, that is the last thing I want to do here on LF is to offend anyone, but at the same time, what kind of a friend would I be if I only told you what you WANTED to hear, and not the truth (as I see it anyway) ((((hugs)))))
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Done says:
Kind Heart,
My S was dating this woman, right before I moved back so we could get married and live happily ever after WHAT A JOKE. Anyway, I tortured myself with thoughts of him being so happy with her, having sex all of the time and how he must really love her. And with all the thoughts like “is she prettier than me, nicer, better in bed,” etc.
When he told me it was over with her and I moved out here, it turns out that he never told her I moved, and cheated on her with me probably the whole time. I believed he was done with her, until a day or two before he was supposed to move in with me he called me up to say he was still in love with her and had been cheating on me.
It’s natural to have those thoughts, and sometimes I still get caught thinking “what if they are happy together.” It’s awful to imagine bc if it were true, that would mean he was capable of loving someone, just not me-ouch!
When I had first found out he was seeing this woman (before I moved out to be with S and signed up for a few more months of misery) I had asked him if he was happy with her, and if they had sex all the time and basically if he was living that fantasy relationship that I wanted with him. He laughed at me and said, “I’m still me, Jen.”
Of course he is the same freaking a-hole he’s always been. Sure maybe the sex would be better in the beginning, but before long he’ll be using the same tactics on her as he did on me.
Your S is no different with the Biker Chick, trust me!
I actually know 3 of my S’s ex’s. The girl he dated before me actually wrote me a job recommendation-she saw him for what he was a long time ago. She told me that when she first started dating him, he used to tell her how he was in love with the girl prior to her. It made her feel bad about herself, jealous, etc. But she was smart and left. Then I came along, and he would tell me how he wasn’t over her yet. I fell for it thinking, aw poor guy got his heart broken. Really it was just part of his plan to get me hooked and break down my confidence. I talked to a friend of his before I went back to the S, and he said that the new girl (who I also had met) was insanely jealous of me, bc he was telling her how he still loved me. Again-I was a retard and was like ‘oh he still loves me’ and went back to him, and he ended up leaving me for this woman. The day he randomly decided to break the news to me, he told me how he was still in love with her, and he just didn’t love me or find me attractive.
See a pattern?
Perfect S formula: Lie, create jealousy, emotionally wound = prepping me to be waiting for him to come back and use me some more when he feels like it. HE WANTS me to think he’s happy and everything is perfect so he can BLAME ME for our relationship ending, and whatever else he wants to turn around and blame on me.
So when I’m feeling down, I might wonder for a second or two if he is really happy with this woman, but then I remember his pattern and know he can’t be. I’m sure he’s telling her that he just can’t have sex tonight bc he’s just not over me, making her jealous and crazy, and more likely to spend whatever she can on him to “win” his love. Think of the hell she must be living in now. Even though I’m still going through a lot of pain, I can see the light while she probably hasn’t even figured out she’s a victim yet.
Ugh so even after writing all of that, I still get these little pangs of “what if he’s not an S and they are happy?” but I just have to smack myself with that frying pan and push those thoughts aside.
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Done says:
Also, just went to half price books and got “The Sociopath Next Door” and “Without Conscience.” I read both of these a while back, but then convinced myself I was overreacting, so now I’ll have a copy to keep by my bed for when I start having doubts!
BTW the woman my S-tick hopped onto is nearly 20 years older than me–but none the wiser. Still, was quite a hit to my ego.
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kindheart48 says:
hey guys, went out with a gf for dinner tongiht , then to the Coffee culture and we did a walk through one of the bar/grills and not much happening in this town. This is a gf who has been with me since my separation from my husband and we were talking about how things might have been different for the las t six years if we had never gone to the bars, just trying to imagine what might have been. Can’t go back but we’d like to think we’ve learned a thing or two. She’s very old fashioned like me and we were laughing and joking about how pathetic we are , in a fun way making fun of ourselves. We used to say we were dropped on this planet because we aren’t of the same kind of most of the single people we’ve come to know. We were also disgussing how we can’t even find a single solitary man attractive any more and how we are pretty much born again virgins haha. We drove by the s house on our way to the coffee place and there he was with his biker bitch in the garage where he lives and i thought, that’s where i’ve been for the better part of 6 yeaars and i could kick myself in the ass for enduring all that time in a garage. Im so far removed from normal when i was with him that i can’t even picture myself in a normal relationship, not that i have anyone in mind anyways. I was willing to sacrifice just not to be alone, how naive i was. And Done, i noticed a DEFINATE PATtern with my s, he always wanted what he couldn’t have. Example , always went on about the woman or wome n before me and did same to ones before i came along. Chances are he’s doing the same to the biker chick, they want what they’ve lost , never wanting what they have. I just want to forget i know the turd and not bother to give him any more attention. With my dad being ill, it has sure put things into perspective for me and brought alot of feelings out as i was trying to get approval just like with my father from the s. Difference is my dad loves and cares about me, something the s never did. Awful to say but it should be the s who is sick and not my dad. I feel horrible thinking it, but i think it’s a natural response and the loser s knew i had issues with my Dad, and played on them. I never want to hear him mention my Dad to me ever. I know i have issues with my Father but he would never want me to have endured what i did with the s so i don’t want to put them in the same category at all. I missed out on so much life in the last 6 years with the s and his parasidic lifestyle, i can’t go back but i will be dammed if i ever put myself last again. love kindheart.
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Done says:
Kind,
Try not to think about everything you missed out on. I try to just think of it as a hard lesson I had to learn, and try to remember all the things I’ve accomplished in those 10 years rather than all the time I spent with the S. It’s hard bc we did everything together, and covered about every topic of conversation. I’m just trying to replace those memories with new ones, or try to remember them as they really were and not through the rose colored glasses time allows me to wear. I like to tell myself that it’s not time wasted as long as I gain something from the experience. (like strength/wisdom)
I can also relate to the born again virgin feeling-unfortunately!! I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be able to love another man. I’m so on the look-out for red flags, I’m afraid I might not give a nice guy who just makes an innocent mistake a chance, bc I plan on using the One strike you’re out policy from now on.
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Tilly says:
Please don’t do that Done!!
In this post ,You sound like one of those women who think they are not happy or good enough unless they are with a man!! That is just SO WRONG!!
You are more than enough without some man hanging off you!
You know darn well that you can love another man any time you choose too! Get your power back girl!! And if you are the DONE I think you are…then there is no way on the planet earth you will put up with a cluster B!! and you can pick em a mile off…because we will TELL YOU!!! You are awesome and powerful Done, so don’t go playin that stupid “don’t know if I can love another man and my happiness depends on that ” crap! Because you are way way stronger than you are letting on now!
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Tilly says:
I want you to promise me you will never do the “if only” thing ever again!!!
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ErinBrockovich says:
Done:
My GF’s say I am a 23 year old virgin……
I view this as a good thing…..since my ‘wisdom’ years are much older and closer to my real age…but my virginal-sexual years are 23….oooohhhhh, MUCH younger!!
VROOOOMMMMM…… I’m a ready……..but not desperate.
By the time I meet the right candidate to take my virginity, he will be well screened and known, and it will be all MY choice!
WE are women, we are attractive, we are competent of having healthy relationships……we need to take the time to explore ourselves and set boundries!!!
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Rune says:
Done: Excellent bedside reading. And re-reading. Enough people are seriously twisted in the head that it’s a good idea to fix that notion into YOUR head as well. (And mine!)
If we “get” the patterns of the disordered, we’re more likely to cut off the weird ones, and be a bit more patient with the genuine nice guys who screw up a coupla times.
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ErinBrockovich says:
Rune:
Couldn’t have been said better!
Kudo’s!!!!
Awareness…….keep it up girls!
Goodnight~
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kindheart48 says:
Done, i can so relate to being wary with other men. My gf last night was commenting on being in the grocery store and she said she looks leary at all men. My s was over the tope OCD, HENCe living in the garage with tv and cooking facilites just not to mess up his house and never used any of his things just uses people. My point is im now able to pick up on anal and obsessive men very quickly and it’s amazing how many are. You are right about how we prob wouldn’t know a decent guy but we sure know the ones that aren’t and to be honest i think it’s like finding a needle in a haystack. I’ve had enough no contact now that i can see the downside more easily. Example is if he had let me spend the night at his house instead of the biker chick last night i would a. not had awink of sleep due to his snoring and overall anxiety,b. not even be offered breakfast but sent on my way pronto,and c. i would be obsessing about a piece of garbage all over again. Im able to see the negatives more by just staying in no contact. Im in the processs of changing phone companies so now even the s daughter can’t call me and when i woke up this morn i thought because of no contact, why the hell was i involved with those losers in the first place. No contact is better than any pill or program or shrink or therapist, gives you clarity, the old Forest for the Tress. love kindheart
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blueskies says:
‘No contact is better than any pill or program or shrink or therapist, gives you clarity, the old Forest for the Tress. love kindheart’
Way to go Kindheart!:)xx What a positive post! Its wonderful (in a way) when that ‘OMG WTF was I doing with this disgusting loser’ penny drops:)x
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Done says:
Thanks everyone!
Tilly,
I def. didn’t mean to come off as seeming like I need a man to be happy. I definitely DONT. I just meant that sometimes, when I’m overwhelmed, I wonder if I’ll ever meet a decent man. While I don’t need a man to make me happy, sometimes I feel impatient to meet someone to share my life with. I feel like I put up with so much grief and BS that I deserve to meet a man that “makes me happy” by complimenting my happiness, not being the source of it.
I’m probably not ready to enter a new relationship right now as it’s only been five weeks NC tomorrow. A co-worker introduced me to a friend last weekend, who seems very decent. I’m just not attracted to him and I’ve been wondering if it’s as simple as “He’s just not the one” or if maybe I’m just not giving him a chance, which led to the thinking-”what if I am never able to give a nice guy a chance?” My S left me very damaged and I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever fully recover, but even if I never do meet a decent guy-I know that I’d be better off alone than with a S.
I’m hopeful that I will heal, meet someone and love & trust again. I was just trying to say to Kindheart that I think it’s normal to have those doubts sometimes. She said she sometimes has a “hard time even picturing herself in a normal relationship” and I can relate.
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Done says:
Erin,
Good point about boundaries. That’s something I am starting to realize…that I had few to none! I’m going to work on setting some boundaries that apply to everyone in my life, not just the S or any future S’s I may encounter. I’m reevaluating ALL of my relationships now and getting rid of the ones that waste my time/energy. Spring cleaning for my life!
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blueskies says:
Internal weeding:)
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ErinBrockovich says:
Done:
Oh, I think we all had boundries…..they just applied to hurt caused us. We never knew how to enforce them to avoid the hurt.
We became the ‘buffer zone’ and absorbed the pain rather than confronting the person mistreating us or stepping on our ‘loosley set boundry’.
It takes some time and practice to learn about yourself and your boundries…….but when you start enforcing them, you will realize, it’s really not a hard spot to be in and it doesn’t have to be negative.
Good for you…..get that ‘house’ cleaned up and it will be a new ‘freeing’ start for ya!
It’s all about our evolution!!!!
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kindheart48 says:
hey guys, yes my boundaries suck too and my physicatrist has been enforcing them . Nothing was about me with the s, it was all me me me. Talked to the one woman from years before me and she said in the end everything was about him so they never change but i guess it’s normal to think we may have exaggerated. Im glad we are all in the same boat so to speak and i hope all of us meet great people and i like many of you feel as though i’ve certainly paid my dues but i’ll have to settle for being on my own for the time being. Im trying not to focus on all that i’ve wasted and the years i’ve lost focusing on the moron. When i first me t the s and called his ex wife when the true him was emmerging i’ll never forget what she said ” i’ve wasted 5 years” and she’s alot younger, now i’m saying the same so they just keep repeating aimlessly the same shit over and over, nothing , meaningless time. We on the other hand have substance and compared to them we are so blessed , they on the other hand are shallow empty shells with no souls. We all deserve to have decent people in our lives and i find myself in aw e when i see any normal man and woman together as it’s a reminder of what little i received. I owe him nothing, not even an acknolgement(bad spelling) . My dad is home from hospital zumming around on a golf cart out to the shop even though the prognosis isn’t good but he’s a survivor and i am going to concentrate on people who have true meaning in my life, not bloodsuckers like the s and his daughter. love kindheart
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Done says:
I’m glad to hear your dad is out and feeling better!
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kindheart48 says:
im sitting here wondering what it is in me that made me so suceptible to the sociopath as i know there has to be a reason for this empty wound that i tried to fill with him. I guess i will never know the answer but i do think there is a vulerability factor to the victims as i feel that i wanted approval from someone who could reject me over and over. I read somewhere that at some point in our lives we can meet someone who triggers in us something that makes us try and recreate our past and i feel as though this is def what happened in my case. Recreate trying to get my dad’s approval from someone similar. At any rate it sucks to say the least and i still feel suceptible even though i know all that i know. That little girl in me is still wanting to be loved and accepted so badly. love kindheart
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Tilly says:
Kindheart48:
You have to be your “own prince”. e.g. for the last five years I have always bought myself a rose on valentines day and gone to a restaurant (on my own or with girlfriends) and had a yummy meal. You have to do all those things for yourself that you “need” from “your prince”. Try it, it works!
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Rune says:
Kindheart: Please carefully read Kathy’s post. Perhaps if you read her story, it will give you another way to look at your own life and your decisions.
I love the way Kathy forgives people from her past for making the decisions they made, because that was the best they could do.
Yes, Kindheart, as you go out looking for approval from people who don’t even know you, or don’t have the capacity to know and love you, you do set yourself up.
Tilly is giving you good advice. Maybe if you learn what it feels like to be treated well — even if it’s YOU treating yourself well — you won’t settle for these using losers in the future.
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Done says:
Ugh so I thought I was doing really good today, but I just went to the bar downstairs bc they are having a free crawfish boil, and I could see all these ppl having fun from my apt. Anyway, on my way down I was thinking about the S and how if he was here we would be sitting on the patio enjoying some beer. When I got to the bar I just walked in and went out the back and came back upstairs to cry. I am soooo freaking LONELY!!! Arhg! I hate this! What was I thinking moving to this freaking city!!! The only people I know in this whole damned place are the S and his sister. It would be so much easier if I had some friends here to go out with instead of sitting around just trying not to think all weekend long! It’s so not fair that I have to go through all of these emotions while the S just goes along with his new girl not giving a single thought to the torment he’s put me through. =( I wish he would die a horrible painful death!
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Rune says:
Done: Why were you thinking about the S, when he is incapable of thinking about YOU in any positive way?
You said, “It would be so much easier if I had some friends here to go out with . . .” So, how do you make friends? Can you go to the crawfish boil and start a conversation? Meet a neighbor — someone who is NOT likely to be a love interest, and start making friends?
Think about where you would go to do things you would like to do. Then GO there, with an open mind about meeting people.
This is your life . . . you can start claiming it — any minute now!
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ErinBrockovich says:
Done:
Rest assured…..he WILL die a horrible painful death!
That said……Now you must work on YOU……LIVING!!
It might be lifes way of showing you that you still need to work on you. Maybe you still have work to do on yourself, before your ready to attract ‘healthy’ beings around you?
This may be why your not involved and sitting around thinking all weekend.
This may be ‘why’ life is protecting you at this point!!!!
Again…..IT IS…… WHAT IT IS……. GO with it!!
I know……it get’s old…..but you may need to ‘GO WITH IT’. Find content with yourself. Allow yourself to reflect on your life and choices. Allow yourself to be bored. Allow yourself to grieve the relationship.
You have alot on your plate, digesting all this (It has only been 5 weeks NC) and with your fathers illness, it is a pile on you.
You have things to work through…..concentrate on that. Your not rotting as you concentrate on other things rather than a social life……You ARE moving on……your healing, your evolving……your becoming ‘who’ you need to be. DON”T RUSH THE PROCESS because of your ‘boredom’ and ‘restlessness’.
It will pay off HUGE for you in the long run.
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Done says:
You’re right Rune. If I had the answer to your question (why was I thinking about the S) I would not be here, haha. It’s not as if I want to think about him, EVER. I’m feeling much better after my cry. Maybe I just needed to release. I’ve only cried a couple of times since NC, it’s unrealistic for me to think I’ll never cry about him again, but at least now I know better than to contact him when I’m lonely. I know if I didn’t have this site I would have called him, and started the whole cycle again.
My plan was to go to the boil and try to start a conversation with someone, but for some reason by the time I got down there I felt overwhelmed with anxiety. I’m sure I’ll meet people eventually, I know it takes time. It has just been a very stressful transition to a new city/state/job with the added stress of all the S stuff.
Also, the girl I thought was my “best friend” has turned out to be quite selfish and immature, and I think that friendship is over as well. I don’t think she has any personality disorders, but she is spoiled and used to getting her way. She threw a tantrum when I told her I was too tired to visit her last weekend-and hasn’t called me since. I feel like I’m always bending over backwards to make her happy and to make sure that I don’t upset her. I always go out of my way for her, but feel like she would never make the extra effort for me unless it was convenient for her. One visit, she had her mom come pick me up at the airport bc she got drunk with her boyfriend and didn’t feel like getting me. Anyway, I’ve decided that I don’t need any more self-centered people in my life, so I am not going to attempt to call her apologize for being too tired to visit. She didn’t want to visit me bc she is tired and doesn’t want to fly out here, but she expects me to make the 4 hour flight. That said, I am still upset at the loss of what I thought was a good friendship over something so trivial.
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Done says:
Thanks Erin!
You are right about it all (including the painful death part probably). I’m sure it is all for a reason, it would just be nice if I had a good girlfriend here to go out with. That won’t happen overnight, however.
I think you have confused some of my story with Kindheart, fortunately my dad is not ill, but I do still have a pile-that’s for sure!
I know it has only been 5 weeks, but I’m anxious for the grieving to be over. I feel as if I was grieving almost the entire ten years I was involved with the S. I was sort of hoping some of that pain would count towards the final grieving process, like a down payment. I guess it doesn’t work that way.
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Nolife says:
Hi,
Looking at this post, makes me realize that I should get my annulment done asap. We are not from the states but we got married in Las Vegas. We never see each other after that. So I think annulment is more suitable since we never live together to even have a proper marriage?
The last I heard from his family is that he has never returned home, New Zealand for years. So he has been hiding in USA all these years. I have surfed the net for law office to help me, but there is way too many. I am wondering if you guys know of any good lawyer or do i just need a paralegal at Neveda?
Do i have to fly down to get all these done?
I appreciate any input from you all.
Thanks in advance.
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Tilly says:
Rune:
You are on fire today! xo
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Tilly says:
Done:
This is gonna take a little longer than you thought. Do things you love for yourself, walk, bath, paint, shop, sing, music massage, movies, ( I love going to a movie alone now!). You gotta start lovin yourself before anyone else can. You don’t need to socialize to be living..that will come of itself later.
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Tilly says:
ErinB:
Could you please read this quote of yours to me everynight before I go to sleep:
“Rest assured…..he WILL die a horrible painful death!”
Thankyou! xo
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