BOOK REVIEW: The Gift of Betrayal
PDF Dr. Eve Wood is a practicing psychiatrist and an author of motivational books such as There’s Always Help; There’s Always Hope and 10 Steps to Take Charge of Your Emotional Life. Her motto is, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” Now she’s written a new book that she wished was available when her own life fell apart: The Gift of Betrayal—How to Heal Your Life When Your World Explodes, available in the Lovefraud Store.
Dr. Wood’s husband of 27 years betrayed her. For legal reasons, she doesn’t tell exactly what he did, except to say the magnitude of the betrayal was truly shocking and she could have died. Reading through the lines, it sounds like she was involved with a sociopath, and we all know what that’s like.
So what was she to do? Dr. Wood believes what she wrote in her other books, and decided that she wanted to heal, move forward and build a new life. She writes:
“You have a choice. You can see this betrayal as a curse or a blessing. You can make it about him, or you can make it about you. You can be the victim, or you can take charge. You can grow or shrink. You can heal your life or shrivel up and die. You can choose light, joy and love … or remain bitter and alone.”
The process was painful, and it took time. She didn’t start out trying to forgive her husband. Dr. Wood writes:
“Most books about betrayal focus on forgiveness, on forgiving the offender and yourself. But I think the attention of forgiving is misguided. When you’ve been burned, you need to treat your wound. You must figure out how you got scorched in the first place and learn to heal.”
The book is divided into 14 chapters, which Dr. Wood calls “lessons.” They are:
- What is betrayal, how does it feel, and where can it take you?
- You have a choice: Do you seize your power or become a victim?
- Could you have been married to (or involved with) a sociopath?
- How did you get here, and what are you meant to learn from this?
- What is the role of forgiveness in healing?
- Trust in your ability to create your heart’s desire
- Take action to create the life you really want
- Slow down: Examine and honor all your involvements
- Take risks, try new things … and pay attention to how you feel
- Let your female friends help you
- Learn what men have to offer and what they cannot do for you
- Invite joy, pleasure and passion into your life
- Stay present to the gift of the moment
- Celebrate you newfound freedom, fulfillment and fabulous good fortune
This book is written for women who have been betrayed by men. Dr. Wood specifically emphasizes that if the man was a sociopath, the only way to heal is to leave the relationship. She states that sociopaths destroy people. However, she doesn’t talk about how to recover from severe psychological issues that may result from these relationships, such as post-traumatic stress disorder.
This book is for the woman who has processed the shock of the betrayal by the sociopath and is ready, however shakily, to rebuild her life. The Gift of Betrayal provides a roadmap for doing it.
The Gift of Betrayal—How to Heal Your Life When Your World Explodes
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
survivorlady says:
Dear Gem,
The sad thing is that they do not think they have the problem, the whole world does…but not them.
Its really hard to wrap our head around the fact that they dump people, just like that, no rimorse, no thinking, just like leaving broccoli on your plate at the restaraunt then getting up and walking away, except they don’t even pay the tab, they just get up and leave, they have a right to (they think), the restaurant should not have served broccoli in the first place ! No rational thinking, no thinking period. My ex spath, has been through so many jobs, he had a profession but always had to be top dog, getting people fired, then taking over the reigns, till people discover him and then get tired of the “I am top dog” attitude, then when they start making mistakes on the job, then the spaths know its time to move on. They usually move on suddenly, no explaination with the owner. When me ex left his last job, he went into work on day, picked up his equipment, with an angry look on his face, the owner was wondering what the heck was going on…he packed up and then told the owner his was leaving, with anger his his voice. Owner did not know what the heck happened. The owner went bankrupt months later, seems that my ex knew he was in need of help, and abbandoned him. Left him high and dry. Of course its not the story I knew, I found this out later. Its been almost 2 years and I am still finding out new stuff all the time….everyday is a surprise. They should all be rounded up, put in institutions and let them feed off each other, I wonder how many of them would be left ? Hugs
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Survivor lady,
We have often joked here about “Psychopath’s Island” and there would probably be only ONE left after a while! One who had killed and eaten the rest of them. I’m not sure if it would be my P-son or EB’s X, but one or the other. LOL
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soimnotthecrazee1 says:
that would be x oxy!!! LOLOLOL
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Findingmyself says:
I had posted a couple days ago on a thread (I don’t remember which topic it was), about how my ex had contacted me via email regarding his therapy. Since I left him and started therapy and my therapist said he was N/P personality, he decided to start therapy himself. I think more to prove me wrong and also to make it “look good”-that’s just my opinion. He is in his mid-50′s, I dated him for almost 4 years. Early on in the relationship he started his lies. He was with other women, and of course lies to cover those times up. Lies on top of lies, cheating, sucking me back in just to repeat it all over again. Of course, I was the ‘love of his life”, he “couldn’t imagine me not in his life”, he “loved me like no other”, etc.
Anyway, I never responded to his email regarding how his therapist said that “anyone can change”, that she was “giving him hope that we could work things out”. I was so angry! He has only been going over the past couple of months. For her to claim those things to him really pissed me off. Does she even know what she is dealing with here, yet?
I just received a call from my ex while he was in his therapy session and wanted to know if I could take a minute to talk with her. I agreed to speak with her. A side note here, the call came in unavailable and that’s why I initially answered it. So this therapist starts talking to me about the things they are working on in therapy. She tells me that he is not a Sociopath, he only met 2 of the 7 criteria but he did have a lot of N traits. Yea, ok…”what do you want from me?”. She stated that he wanted her to confirm that he was indeed in therapy, which obviously I got that and that the first step of “change” was at least getting help. And he wanted to and seemed willing to work towards being a better person. She asked me what my concerns were and what it would take me to give him another chance. I laughed. I said for the past almost 4 years this man has lied to me, out of the gate, had other women, lied to me to cover up those other women, turned things back on me when my gut new something was wrong, ie-pther women, and told me it was my insecurities. I had walked away many times only for him to promise me things that never came to pass. Only to continue the lies and the women non-stop. She then said to me “so it sounds like its a trust issue as far as your concerned?”…WTF? Trust issue? That’s an understatement! I am trying to pick up the pieces of what he did to me emotionally. It has taken me many months to where I am starting to feel normal again, like myself. And that’s because I have had no contact with him. She then starts talking with him while I am still on the phone and says to him, it sounds like we need to discuss why you felt the need to protect her in regards to these other women and protect yourself and yet you only ended causing much harm to her and the relationship you had. Is this women for real?! Is that a typical response to give after the things I told her he did. I am completely beside myself, angry (for the first time in a long time), I almost feel like what I told this woman meant nothing in regards to what he did. Granted it was a 5 minute conversation, but still! Is it me, or is this bull shit therapy?! I need some clarification here please!
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Ox Drover says:
Dear findingmyself,
You were bushwhacked, hit from behind, BLINDSIDED. I’m first of all not sure that he was at a legitimate therapist’s—but if you get any more calls that are not known numbers DO NOT ANSWER.
If you by chance answer and it is about him or from him, hang up IMMEDIATELY.
This man is VIOLATING your boundaries of “no contact”— CALL THE OFFICE OF THE THERAPIST’S if you know who it is and tell them that you will file charges with their professional organization if they ever call you again. I am not sure it was a legitimate therapist in the first place, but if it was, it is totally UNPROFESSIONAL for them to do this to you.
Secondly, file a police report if he tries to contact you again.
THIS IS STALKING.
This is the same advice I gave to your original post. BTW you can do a search for your user name on LF and find the last few posts if you can’t remember where they are.
Good luck and keep NC, this guy is a STALKER, he is not trying to “get better”—also research shows that therapy actually makes them WORSE as it gives them new manipulation tools. God bless.STAY SAFE!
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hens says:
findingmyself – I posted to you in the wrong thread oops – A real therapist would not call a client’s x and try to negotiate a deal – this is Bull Shit – change your numbers to unlisted – most telephone providers will change numbers at no cost and no questions asked if you tell then you are recieving harassing phone calls….
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Findingmyself says:
oxy, thanks for telling me how to find my previous posts,,there are so many posts up and down I couldn’t remember which one it was
I only know the therapist first name. I might be able to find the town it was supposedly in for the practice.
hens, thanks for your feedback. I agree–total Bull Shit! I have not been this upset because of him in many, many months. It’s like everything I told his therapist was dismissed and called “protecting” me–it was LIES, CHEATING, twisting and making me doubt my gut. She almost made me feel the same way he did by minimizing and calling it “protection”.
Now, lets take this a step further. I have been emailing with Donna since this happened tonight. Just very emotional. Thank you Donna for your support. And when I went to my in-box, there was an email from him in there as well. This is what it said (and yes Oxy I have no blocked this new email as well).
Thank you for talking with my therapist tonight. At least now you know I was finally being honest about one thing. Would you believe me if I told you I was sorry to have you ever mistrust your gut feelings? Something I don’t think you’ll get is my feelings for you.I fucked up a wonderful thing. I feel hurt and disgust for the pain I have caused you. The list for what I am sorry for is large but mostly taking your smile away, the tears I have caused and the mistrust. Not to mention the trust and faith that are gone. Again I am very sorry I made you feel that way, we had a relationship, I believe you to be the love of my life and I never perceived you as a puppet in any way.let me add that I don’t want to be like that in my future and to do something about it is paramount. I want a healthy loving relationship and since I am the one preventing that, I intend to do something about it. I love you, I hope we speak again soon.
I feel sick!
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Findingmyself,
First off I suggest that if you do get an e mail from him, DO NOT READ IT…delete it immediately.
HE IS THE LIE….nothing he says is true. he is simply trying to hook you back in. NO CONTACT gives YOU control and he cannot stand it for you to have control. HE wants control.
He is using words as BAIT, words he knows the sound of but not the meaning of.
Just the fact that he keeps on contacting you, changing around to get around your blocks and so on, he is BREAKING DOWN YOUR BOUNDARIES and NO ONE who has good intentions ignores the legitimate boundaries set by someone else.
THIS IS STALKING.
Change your number. If the e mails continue report it as stalking to the police. They won’t do anything but at this point you need it on RECORD that you do not want contact with this man.
Stay strong and don’t listen to his lies any more. This man is a control freak! Change your numbers, and if he calls you at work, report it to the switch board or your boss. You might also pay an attorney a few bucks to write a letter to him that says “cease and desist” with the contact. wouldn’t cost much and might make him back off.
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hens says:
findingmyself – I dont know who this woman was but she was and is not his therapist…you need to chill..they are f–ing with your mind and enjoying every minute of it..i repeat No Contact is your only weapon and ultimate survival..
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one_step_at_a_time says:
good call hens. god, i can’t imagine getting a call from one of the spath’s sock puppets telling me how good, wounded and open to change she is…bwahahaahahaaa…..click.
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Findingmyself says:
Oxy than YOU! Yes, he is the lie! He is trying to hook me back yet again. I am way past that at this point. But the fact that I felt such anger when I heard her say “protection” vs “betrayal”…MAN I saw RED, then I cried a river.
hens, I hope your right! At that moment when that woman said those words, of course I saw that smug smile on his face in my mind and thinking “see, I was protecting you, not harming you”…oh MAN! If she is a real therapist, she needs to shut down!
one_step, thanks for the laugh…I actually laughed out loud when I read that! I needed that, thank you!
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Ox Drover says:
Dear findingmyself,
ANGER is a legitimate response to injury and he was injuring you. BLINDSIDING you and bush whackiing you! WHAT A CREEP!
I don’t believe this was a “therapist,” but actually it could have been, I have known some that stupid and the psychopaths are good at fooling even some smart ones. BUT the point is that it was NOT a legitimate thing for anyone to do, therapist or not!
I like that “protecting” you! LOL what a word salad! They are so good at using P-speak instead of truth-speak! ROTFLMAO “protecting” not “betraying” Choke, snort, LOL
Keep strong! (((hugs))) and g’nite!
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Findingmyself says:
Oxy, it was the “therapist” who said to him that they needed to discuss why he felt the need to “protect” me from the knowledge of the other women–those were HER words to him. And why he felt the need to “protect” himself from being honest with me. Well, MS Therapist, I can tell you right here, right now the “why”..because he is a liar, a womanizer, a manipulator and selfish to the core. He wanted to keep me thinking it was only “us” while he was out running around instead of manning up and being honest with me that he was seeing other people so I could at least have had the option to do the same if I chose to. What an idiot!…now I feel better
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hens says:
findingmyself – it’s sad how these relationship’s begin with a dream of happiness and end up such nitemare’s, if nothing else is understood I know I was in a very toxic and unhealthy relationship and I had to get out, let go and save myself..there was no other choice..even with the occasional feelings of loss I know I did the right thing..this is a time for you to heal yourself and prepare yourself for healthy relationships to come –peace
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geminigirl says:
Dear hens, The book you suggested I buy -”Meaning from Madness” by Richard Skerritt, arrived today, and I read it all in one hit. will read it at least 2 more times, to really “get’ it. very interesting and informative as to the thought processes and defence mecahnisms of Narcs, Spaths, and borderlines,[or a mix of all 3]They say.”To know all is to understand all, and to undestand all is to forgive all.’
I hope this book will help me to understand my 2 spath daughters, and forgive them, but never have to see or trust them ever again.Its one thing to forgive them, but Ill NEVER trust them again for the cruelty and torment they put me through.I could identify with what he calls “splitting,” by the spath,ie, splitting you off the face of the earth, as if you dont exist!Thisis what my spath D 2 did to me 17 plus years ago.
Love, gemXX
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Findingmyself,
Well, if the “therapist” was calling LYING “protecting” himself by “protecting’ you from finding out that is the worst psycho-babble therapy word salad I have ever heard. It is actually FUNNY to the point I may have to go change my clothes if I keep laughing and howling!!!! BWAHHHHHHHHH NWAHHHH What a crock of carp!
Gem, sweetie, the “getting the bitterness out” just keeps you from lying there in the dark mentally sticking imaginary bamboo stickers under their fingernails while chortling in glee as they scream in pain, it doesn’t mean that you want to invite them for dinner. It doesn’t mean that what they did was OK, or that they are not vile creatures, the only thing forgiveness does is to calm your mind of angry vengeful thoughts that are destructive to peace and calm in your soul.
It allows us to acknowledge that they are evil, but that we have risen above that evil, that we have let the hold that evil had on our soul expire, and that IN SPITE OF their evil, we will not allow it to destroy our lives.
Last night I saw a short clip of Natalie’s mother after the ending of the Van Der sloot interview, where she broke down and wept, and I think may have taken a turn for the better. She only got more lies from the piece of scum, and walked out of the interview….but she said after the cry, “I didn’t think I would break down like this and cry, but he’s taken my life, my daughter, my marriage, my job,” etc etc and named off all the things she’d lost, but then she said something along the line of “but why should I give him the power over my life just because he killed my daughter?”
Even though van der sloot refused to give her closure, I think she may have FOUND HER OWN closure!!! I hope and pray that she has or will.
I think I can partly at least understand her need to find her daughters body, to have something to bury…for closure, but I doubt that she will get that, that is the trump card Joran holds for ATTENTION. If he gives that trump card up (assuming her body could be found anyway) he has NOTHING to keep the TV and reporters and other attention giving people from coming to see him. It is his life line to ATTENTION. Otherwise he is NOTHING but another petty crook in Peru.
I hope Natalie Holloway’s mother can find closure and peace and let go of her pain, and start to heal. She has certainly been dealing with a psychopath. My prayers are for her and her family.
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hens says:
Dear Gem I am happy you got the book, i have recommended it for 3 years and your the first to actually get it. Skerrit has more books, they are quick reads packed with so much knowledge because he lived with evil.
I ordered a book last nite , – Cruise Control – understanding sexual addiction in gay men..maybe it will help me understand why there are so many dysfunctional gay men including myself…those of us that were abandoned or not loved by our fathers seem to seek out love with men through sex…Not that it matters much for me anymore at my age but hey it’s all about understanding what makes us tick and why they ticked the way they did…off to work….
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