PTSD: That was then, this is now
PDF According to the National Institutes of Health website “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat.”
Signs and Symptoms of PTSD are grouped into three categories:
1. Re-experiencing symptoms:
• Flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating
• Bad dreams
• Frightening thoughts.
Re-experiencing symptoms may cause problems in a person’s everyday routine. They can start from the person’s own thoughts and feelings. Words, objects, or situations that are reminders of the event can also trigger re-experiencing.
2. Avoidance symptoms:
• Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the experience
• Feeling emotionally numb
• Feeling strong guilt, depression, or worry
• Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past
• Having trouble remembering the dangerous event.
Things that remind a person of the traumatic event can trigger avoidance symptoms. These symptoms may cause a person to change his or her personal routine. For example, after a bad car accident, a person who usually drives may avoid driving or riding in a car.
3. Hyperarousal symptoms:
• Being easily startled
• Feeling tense or “on edge”
• Having difficulty sleeping, and/or having angry outbursts.
Hyperarousal symptoms are usually constant, instead of being triggered by things that remind one of the traumatic event. They can make the person feel stressed and angry. These symptoms may make it hard to do daily tasks, such as sleeping, eating, or concentrating.
Unfortunately whenever a psychological experience is dubbed “a disorder” people get the impression that the person who has this experience is “defective” or “crazy” or of poor character. The thought that PTSD symptoms are related to some core defect in character/personality serves to further increase the sufferer’s anxiety and level of symptoms. Not wanting to consider any predisposing factors to these symptoms may also prevent a person from doing real soul searching.
There is one main reason to emphasize that PTSD symptoms constitute a disorder. That is that the symptoms greatly impair a person’s ability to function. They also rob people of love and well-being. Overwhelming anxiety is not conducive to well-being or loving relationships.
Because PTSD symptoms are debilitating we have to address them, face them and ultimately conquer them. That means acknowledging the other fears/concerns that go along with having these symptoms:
1. Am I crazy?
2. Am I defective?
3. Will I ever be normal again?
4. Why did this happen to me?
5. How can I prevent this from happening again?
6. Can I trust myself?
To start to recover, notice that if you reduce PTSD down to its core essence it is simply difficulty processing that the trauma was then and today is now. For people whose PTSD is related to an experience with a sociopath, the problem is that the sociopath may not be gone. The then and now is blurred. The worst things done by the sociopath are in the past and there may be protections in place but the sociopath is still around. Sometimes that source of trauma is the other parent of beloved children.
Recovery in such a context means having a clear head to really sort out what was then and what is now. Next week we will consider other roadblocks to distinguishing then from now.
written by Liane Leedom, M.D. • Permalink •
OxDrover says:
Dear Jill,
I hated a hy-pnotherapist when I was 21, and he taught me “self hypnosis” and sometimes I am really “good” with it. OTher times it is difficult for me to concentrate. I have done “bio-feed back” and also use a “relaxation” therapy where I lie still with a vision of my body and feel each muscle, each cell, and my “mantra” is keeping time with my breaths. I say on intake “one” and on breathing out “and” then the next breath in is “two” and the out is “and” and go up to four then back to one.
I can concentrate on one part of my body and raise the temperature of that area several degrees, I can also slow my heart rate and respirations very slow—sometimes. Other times is is, like I said, difficult for me to concentrate.
I tend to “carry” my stress in my paraspinous muscles of my back and so I have had massage therapy (I have to pay for it) and my son D and I give each other back massages, when we are knotted up. We aren’t as “good” as a professional massage therapist but we are cheaper! ha ha
The araoma therapy doesn’t work for me as the scents irritate my nasal passages and make them swell. I have to use “unscented” shampoos and other products. I do osometimes use herbs (my favoritte is fresh basil which perfumes the entire house.)I found I like the smell from growing them in my herb garden,.
I can use meditation/relaxation to help relieve muscle stress, but I am not as good at it as I would like to be, but I do utilize it. Since the aircraft crash I find my my mind “wanders” more without someone there to direct me.
I haven’t tried yoga though I have friends who do. I walk a great deal and that helps burn off stress chemicals I think.
Two summers ago I caught Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and became so weak I literally could only stand for a minute or two and was so weak I could hardly take care of myself. I didn’t realize I even had a “problem” until I finally went to a physician (I’m back about that) and was diagnosed and treated. It took me months to regain my strength physically.
I had another, shorter bout of the same tick borne fever this summer, but was treaated promptly this time, without the horrible loss of strength. It is frustrating to “get older” and not have the stamiina or strength I had in my youth, even that I had 10-15 years ago, but am coming to grips with that emotionally, but do try to keep myself healthy and get regular medical check ups. Actually, except for sleep apnea (which I am treated for) I am in reasonable health for my age, no diabetes or heart trouble anc actually I just picked good physical specimines for ancestors, so I have a good constitution and long-lived genetic material on both sides for several generations back, though I did have one grandmother who dies in her 40s of uterine cancer, but I have had a hyst so no worry there, both her parents lived into their 80s. In fact, 7 of my 8 great grandparents died in their 80s and several of their parents lived to be quite old. Again, one GGM died of uterinie cancer in her 40s. The generation prior to that, I had several women die in child birth but most lived to be quite elderly in a day when there was no antibiotics, etc. so considering all that, I have a remarkably good physical gene pool to pull from.
I have been sick several times since the PTSD from infections, and required hospitalization twice for them, surgery for draining absceses, and high powered antibiotics. I attribute most of this to my immune system crapping out due to the PTSD from the crash.
The subsequent other stressors with the Ps on top of losing my husband and so on, contributed to an extremely HIGH stress level that was enough to sink a bull elephant.
That is why I am so intent now on decreasing my stress level, and doing all I can to keep it low. It takes a toll on the body and the mind to live under constant high stress, much less the continual stresses we encounter.
CHANGE of any kind is stressful for us (all humans or mammals) so I try to keep change as low as I can. People who are stressful in my life I also eliminated as quickly as I could see what was going on.
I am working on my “give a chit” factor as well. Trying to own my own responsibilities and NOT own others responsibilities. Cutting out the DRAMA to the extent possible. Even still sometimes I backslide and get caught up before I realize what has happened. Changing my thinking and patterns is a continual effort, but it is getting easier.
Trying to focus on the positive is another thing I try to do. Enjoy the small things in life, and take joy and pleasure in “smelling the roses.” Counting my blessings is another thing that helps me to realize just HOW BLESSED I AM.
I know it sounds sort of “goody-two-shoes” or naive but just realizing how blessed we ALL are helps to calm our fears.
I can’t remember were I read or ehard it, but once not too many months ago I heard a “blessign” that we don’t often think of.
TODAY I did NOT have a tooth ache. That is sort of a “negative” blessing, but if you have ever ahd a tooth ache, you know what I mean!
I have a dry bed to sleep in, clean water, clean clothes, enough food, etc. the things we tend to take for granted.
When I was young I traveled the world, and I got to see up close and personal people who didn’t have enough to feed their children, didn’t have a place to live, or clean water, or medical care….and having seen that, I appreciate what I do have, because I have seen the results of the lack of those basic things, that even poor people in our country have come to expect.
Just sitting here typing this to you, it makes me feel more relaxed just thinking about the blessings we do have. It is okay to vent about what you lost, and the pain you went through, or the pain you are in NOW, but at the same time, I think it is important for us to “count our blessings.” It’s good therapy.
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jillsmith says:
Oxy,
What exactly is bio feedback?
Yes, we do have it very good if we have a roof over our head, clothes to eat and medical care. It is good to remind ourselves of this. I also don’t have a toothache today! Yay!
That actually does put it in perspective becuase those toothaches are nasty.
Thanks for sharing all of your PTSD info and treatments with me. I want to start being much more agressive about attacking my PTSD. I can’t afford any melt-downs. There’s just not room in my life for them. I wan to work on being whole and in balance again. Please let me know if you find any new methods. Thanks.
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skylar says:
Oxy,
I think that you’re going to live to a ripe old age. Just the fact that you recognize and eliminate P’s from your life has probably added 20 years. Add to that, the work you do toward eliminating stress, your wonderful good son, all the good you do for other people (who aren’t P’s), and the gratitude and good wishes of all of us on LF – you should live darn near forever!
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jillsmith says:
Oxy,
I second what Skylar said. I’m very happy that you are in good health and that you take such good care of yourself. I’m glad because the world is a MUCH better place with you in it.
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OxDrover says:
Thanks guys! I’m glad I can encourage you! BTW only the GOOD die young, I have lived wayyyyyy too long to qualify for “dying young”! LOL
Bio-feed back is a way to measure your relaxation. Essentially you are electronically hooked up to a monitor for some kind of feed back that goes to a TV or computer monitor. On the screen is some sort of thing that you start trying to control, a bouncing ball or something, and you focus on trying to control that, and as you do, it slows down or speeds lup from the electronic feed back from your body.
I got really bad chest pain once when I was 50 (and a bit over weight) so I eventually had my husband take me to the ER. the cardi9ologist kept me in CCU that night because he was convinced it was my heart. (It wasn’t, it was spasams of my throat.) anyway, the next morning while I was waiting for him to show up, I was BOREd and being the “bad kid that I am” and being hooked to a monitor that went beep beep beep, I lay there and decided to have some FUN to break the monotony, so I meditated and relaxed and lowered my blood pressure and heart rate enough to make the nurses JUMP!
With the monitor and the beep acting like bio-feed back I could tell when I was “succeeding” and when I set off teh alarm I got a “positive reenforcement of my efforts, so I was actually using the heart and other monitors as bio-feed back indicators.
I passed the stress test he gave me with flying colors and he let me go home that afternoon! I think the nurses were glad to be rid of me too! It hadn’t helped me much that most of them were my friends as well. LOL ROTFLMAO
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jillsmith says:
I’m just moving this to the top so that Skylar, Star, Erin and others can see my responses to them. I’m sorry I was so late in responding. I took a break from the board for a few days to try to take care of myself.
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ErinBrockovich says:
Jill:
I am really glad you are able to view things differently.
I think it’s important for us to be able, in any way to get through terror. Terror is paralyzing and we can’t move through a day with any amount of ease!
I also heard somewhere that 99% of the things we worry about will never come to be……so it’s worrying in vain…..and non productive.
Hey, im still alive and so are my kids…..the s ‘felt’ and witnessed my empowerment and I believe this made a difference in letting him feel and know….you can’t mess with us! He moved!
So….keep it up girl, release what you have to to be able to care for you and your precious baby…..and make it a beautiful life for 2!
XXOO
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one_step_at_a_time says:
I have come across the above list of PTSD sings and symptoms many times, but came across another list today, ‘Warning Signs of Trauma-Related Stress by the American Psychological Association’
on this site: http://www.forests.com/ptsdapa.html
this site is also mentioned on the above page. looks interesting: http://www.trauma-pages.com/
‘Warning Signs of Trauma-Related Stress by the American Psychological Association’
Individuals who have experienced a traumatic event oftentimes suffer psychological stress related to the incident.
In most instances, these are normal reactions to abnormal situations.
Individuals who feel they are unable to regain control of their lives, or who experience the following symptoms for more than a month, should consider seeking outside professional mental health assistance.
The American Red Cross is now working with mental health professionals trained in trauma. For information or a referral, contact the local American Red Cross chapter or the American Psychological Association at 202/336-5800.
* Recurring thoughts or nightmares about the event.
* Having trouble sleeping or changes in appetite.
* Experiencing anxiety and fear, especially when exposed to events or situations reminiscent of the trauma.
* Being on edge, being easily startled or becoming overly alert.
* Feeling depressed, sad and having low energy.
* Experiencing memory problems including difficulty in remembering aspects of the trauma.
* Feeling “scattered” and unable to focus on work or daily activities.
* Having difficulty making decisions.
* Feeling irritable, easily agitated, or angry and resentful.
* Feeling emotionally “numb,” withdrawn, disconnected or different from others.
* Spontaneously crying, feeling a sense of despair and hopelessness.
* Feeling extremely protective of, or fearful for, the safety of loved ones.
* Not being able to face certain aspects of the trauma, and avoiding activities, places, or even people that remind you of the event.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
on the above mentioned trauma pages website there is a short list of ptsd and trauma workbooks:
http://www.trauma-pages.com/s/wrkbks.php
there is a break down of authors comments and readers comments; two books mentioned:
Can’t Get Over It: a handbook for trauma survivors. by Aphrodite Matsakis, PhD (1992; New Harbinger Publications).
Judith Herman’s (1992) Trauma and Recovery book (Basic Books).
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one_step_at_a_time says:
the item about being overprotective/ feeling fearful of friends and family was an item i hadn’t seen listed before. like our compassion has gone into hyper vigilance.
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muldoon... says:
God I can recall vividly having some kind of a breakdown…didn’t sleep for more than two or three hours a night..eating junk every couple of days and surviving on coffee and fags…it was hideous, unexplained palpitations and anxiety attacks. My hair fell out and my thyroid suddenly packed up..have read stress can be a huge factor..I look back and cant believe how badly abused I was and how I not only accepted it I bloody craved it…I cannot imagine living like that again…
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OxDrover says:
Dear Muldoon,
I think we can all relate to that feeling, sweetie! PTSD. Anxiety, fear, obligation and guilt. (((hugs)))) Only we can save ourselves from more of it but first we have to acknowledge that we have those feelings, what is causing them, and that we are the only one who can do anything about it. It isn’t easy I know—and double when you have kids. (((hugs))))
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Hopeforjoy says:
Muldoon,
I had the same thing, with the hair the thyroid, sleep, I was always getting infections, drove myself to the E.R. because I couldn’t take husband flirting with the nurses when I’m peeing blood. So sorry you went through the anxiety attacks.
One step mentioned being fearful for loved ones, this is a bizzare thing, I kept wanting to stock pile food and water, just in case. I would have dreams about how we could use part of the ulility room for a bomb shelter and had lists of everything we would need to live on. I got obsessed with it. Went on the government websites to get the list for what you need if there was a chemical attack. Nightly I would dream of how I would protect my family. Another dream was protecting my children if a burgler tried to break in. These dreams were recurring, but I stopped having them within this last year, thank goodness.
Looking back at some of these patterns, I believe they were all related to PTSD. Those dreams were so vivid, and I felt I needed to act on them and it makes sense how out of control my life has been. The dangers I wanted to protect my children from, were not coming from outside my house, but inside.
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silvermoon says:
I hear you. Fascinating that there are others who write about the very physical experiences I had during my first marriage. It was all that- thyroid, anxiety, the loss of ability to think or decide. And then plunging through menopause like a stone falling through a well.
I didn’t know it was abuse, I thought is was all me. I thought I was losing my mind.
Thank God for a doc who told me that it wasn’t me, but I should consider alternatives because it would kill me.
The road away from there has been arduous.
The current incident doesn’t play well. So much of it all coming back. So much to be anxious about for real.
I am pleased to find confidence in knowing I am not crazy. I am not.
And there is time to move ahead in directions which are true because it didn’t kill me.
Not then, not now.
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Buttons says:
{{{Silvermoon}}} No, you aren’t crazy, and you weren’t crazy. It was the gaslighting, manipulatons, and degradations.
You’re on your healing path, and it’s a beautiful, beautiful thing. Not always pretty, but we learn to manage the triggers over time. It’s been 13 years for me, and I still have to consciously manage triggers. I’m better today that I was yesterday, and the day before that, and so on….
Brightest blessings.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Silvermoon,
Darling I WAS CRAZY, driven stark raving mad, out of my head, not rational, not thinking straight—but you know, anyone can be “off their rocker” when the situation is as ABNORMAL as a psychopath can make it, as much as they can TWIST REALITY—I realize now that I was reacting to the ABNORMAL situation I was in. OK,, so how should you react when you come on an “alien space vehicle”? Well, you act like you have seen (guess what!) an ALIEN SPACE VEHICLE, and the fact that no one else can see it makes you seem even crazier! But—you can learn that “though NO one else can see this thing, I CAN SEE THIS THING and I’m going to validate my own reality!”
Too many times we SEE the alien among us and others tell us “it ain’t there, you’re crazy” but we can SEE IT, but eventually be come to believe that the fact we SEE IT is what makes us crazy—no, we are SANE and They are BLIND because they can’t see it.
Not doubting ourselves is very difficult when “everyone else” can’t see what we SEE.
I’m learning to trust MYSELF, that’s a wonderful gift that only I can give to me! (((hugs))))
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one_step_at_a_time says:
silver – i am a sucker for a good woman online
so we need to take my opinion with a grain of salt, but; you are so kind, so refined, so funny, so beautiful…so f**king sane….you just keep holding on to that sanity.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
i have been having a hell of a time the last few days – on the downside. i know it will come back up, ’cause that’s how it goes. the last three weeks, there has been a growing bloody mindedness. and the last few days it is like i have morphed into a ball of rejected/abandoned anger. some of this is in response to other people’s actions, but it is wild and i am not sure how to handle it.
i think it started with the info. that the other dupe had contacted the REAL boy – and that he didnt’ care that his pics had been swiped. well, that’s what she said – BUT what happened is that he didn’t respond to her. but i know a bit more about that now and i see him as dangerous. i guess that’s part of it, i don’t know what/who is safe right now – i was worried about starting the work on the spreadsheet for and other stuff the asst. AG. but it actually is focusing me. and the anger is getting focused.
i have this feeling like i’d like to break something or blow up relationships. i have a friend i am so angry at for abandoning me through this, that i couldn’t go somewhere where she is today. i have no desire to isolate, but i canna be hiding my reality. i am so angry. sh*t.
found more pictures of real people used as fake people in another sweep through real boy’s blog.
i kinda lost it on thursday – i had set some goals and i just lost myself. froze up. sh*t sh*t sh*t.
may this come strong, pass, and leave me with some grace.
i feel like i want to detroy something; is it because i am having such a hard time taking care or myself? there are dips and weaves in my housing and food safety. dipped down again the last few dasy – looking at bills i can’t pay. overwhelmed again. angry. really frustrated.
i miss my mom. it’s mom’s day tomorrow and i can’t see her.
maybe i’ll get a friend to call for me.
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muldoon... says:
Hi all…hopeforjoy…be interesting to know how many of us here have thyroid problems because of the stress of the life with these sods…I too had a period of anxiety dreams that were vivid..I dreamt I was unwillingly on a huge white knuckle ride..Try to get off but too late its started..horrific..Wonder what Freud would make of it!! I see it as symbolic as to my state of mind then, no control over self and constantly fearful.
I whole heartedly believe my thyroid was as a result of undue stress.
Now I am either full of beans and cant rest, or cold hungry and sleeping half the day…
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silvermoon says:
One,
I think the answer is flowerpots. See what you with a flower pot is hugely symbolic. Take the things that make you angry like the “friend who is ignoring you”. Yeah, that should make you mad. And it should provoke a judgement. I have a few friends like that. Old ones. Women I’d call best. Well used to. Too many years, too much distance. We care, but the depth just isn’t there. No harm no foul. It happens. Sometimes I wish it was different but really don’t feel like making the investment.
Well, that’s off piste. Back to the pots.
Anyway, you can put any frustrating thing you want in the dirt in a flower pot and then throw that thing and smash it for cheap. Its insanely satisfying. and when you are done, you can clean up and say, that, is that.
Yes, The resolve is growing, but man the last few days have been tough. Had this notion I might be under surveillence by the not good guys because of a websearch I did that looked like it yielded information and it just about SENT me. Sometimes, there is no substitute for professional help and a friend has told me that I’m over doing it and explained what I did see.
I thought that maybe I’d found some key to understanding and that I might have found insight, I thought that I’d found that he was very sick. Well, not clearly so.
But it spun me around in the middle of trying to deal with life in general. I’ve been inside out and rethinking the decision about running backwards or forwards until it was exhausting.
Ultimately, we want some result. A smashed flower pot, a decsision. Because no matter how long you swim in the pool of fear, frustration and all of the yuck, you want out.
And without a tangible result. you can’t get out. Because NOTHING happens and you don’t feel better or even different.
So what? Observe you feelings. What DO THEY TELL YOU?There is a pointer for which direction to go in to release or change the pressure. But if you focus on the feeling and not the observation of it, it will be elusive and well, for that, there are flowerpots.
Have fun!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
hey silver – i just wrote a friend i felt i owed an apology to. he, the friend above and i have been together for a few years – a little triumvirate.
i talked to him last night and i got ballistic about the third friend. and i owed him an apology. so i sent him one. he wrote me back. i wrote him back telling him what’s real for me right now. and that if he is more candid with me about what is okay for him, it would be best.
it is not my job to figure out what everyone needs. nor to stuff my difficulties. if he canna step up, he too can step out.
i can’t deal with this. if they are so limited, then no harm no foul as you say. i can’t deal with this eggshell shit, that i may offend their sensibilities. i am bleeding, and if they can’t handle that i sure as hell don’t need them around being all stiff about it.
him, i don’t want to lose. her, well….i can’t say that i get that much out of the friendship. i think she may be what is called a fair weather friend, but until the weather is rough, you don’t’ know who those folks are, do you? afraid that the stink of my hard life will rub off on her new exciting one.
i am in pain. nasty rejected abandoned pain. fark.
please talk some sense into me.
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silvermoon says:
One,
I will share a letter from a friend of mine. It sounds like maybe their words will reasonate with you. I thought it was absofuckinglutelybeautiful because it sand blasted me out of my rut.
You can find companionship. You can find love. What you might not find is the “knight in shining armor who will sweep you off your feet and take you to his father’s castle where you will live happily ever after”….or words to that effect. Life is not a happily ever after experience for most of us…me included. What you have is brains. What you have is experience. What you don’t have is willingness to use them “outside” your comfort zone “box”. You refuse to get outside your box. You have lots of experience and ability but you insist you have to have someone else to do things for you. There are a butt load of women out there who “do for themselves.” Many of them are widows and have decided to go on their own. You haven’t done that yet. You yearn for the things that are not real and ignore the ones that are real.
If you want companionship, you can find it. It may not however be what you NEED. You are still waiting for the solution to come from without rather than within. I am surprised at you. You have good education, good brains and good genes,. What you don’t have is determination and self-esteem. You insist on getting those things from someone else. Balderdash!!!!
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get out there and start over…this time with a good attitude. You refuse to do that. It’s always someone else’s responsibility to make you feel good rather than making you feel good. You aren’t taking the bull by the horns and insisting that things go your way. Until you do, you will continue to reel in self-pity and deprecation. Get over it and Get on with it. Yes, I know this note is not what you expected it to be…but then if it was it would do you NO service whatsoever. You don’t have to be a model in vogue to find a man. You need to be self reliant and self-determined. That is what attracts men in your age group. Your approach is busted.
Yes, I am being harsh, but am being honest. When you are satisfied with yourself, a man will be attracted to you. It ain’t the looks, baby, it’s the trip! Your trip is busted. Make your trip YOUR TRIP, not someone else’s. That will make them interested in you. But then you have to watch for the parasitic type. You’ll need to fight them off like the plague. They will come in droves because you offer a “good ride”. The sex is just part of that ride.
You let that bum into your life and your bed. What did he offer you besides lip service? Did he have a stable life or profession? NOPE. Did he have his own form of support? NOPE. Did he offer to be of any use to you past a few good rolls in the sack? NOPE. So what was HE good for? You don’t know because you didn’t look. You listened to a butt load of fabrication and BS but didn’t look at what he had done REALLY to be worthy of your affection.
Now it is time to leave your pity party and get serious about taking care of YOU NO ONE ELSE…
Then you can begin to help others.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
silver – it’s a great letter. not much resonance though.
self deprecating – yes. possibly self pitying. def. need to stop taking care of others.
crazed, angry and feeling out of control.
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silvermoon says:
At the risk of posting over, I was in a very similar state the other days. In tears. heaving. What is true, who cares how am I going to do- All of it.
My friend who has been THERE for me through this episode is wonderful. Present and real. We can talk straight and when I need to get shoved back on to the path of getting on with hit, my friend doesn’t withhold.
And yes, sometimes what he says sparks me WAY up. But, his opinion, I need the anger to get through. And sometime like this time he says its time to get over it and REALLY focus on YOU, not talk about thinking about talking about it.
And my friend calls it like it is.
I don’t share this because I want to be harsh with you, but because I hope it will do for you what it did for me-
Blast me right out of my chair and cauterize the bleeding emotions which rendered me unable to make it through the day in a productive way.
I hate the loneliness. I hate the poverty and the stuck until something breaks.
I hate the defference of the busy and the shallowness of the lets do lunch bunch.
Much better conversations with the community who shares the experience. But, WE must urge each other forward. As I so URGE you.
You need the energy to get on and get over the hurdle. Up you go!
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silvermoon says:
Angry and nowhere to go?
What does the anger point you to? Where on your body do you feel it most, what causes it to rise or ebb?
What is your BODY telling you?
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silvermoon says:
What I find is the emotional spasms are greatest right before something breaks through- a BLINK when all of a sudden I just GET it.
I would venture to say that you are on the way to something great.
I look forward to hearing more about it.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
silver – thank you.
i feel forsaken.
i cannot live with falsehood. the unreal. others or the ones i feel i have to erect to be good enough to get a job, or to keep my friends. lose self, lose home, lose friends….it’s just built up really big. i know i have to let the pressure off. not sure how yet, but i have too. snotting on the keyboard is a start.
i agree – on cusp of something.
i miss my mom. my demented mom.
i miss comfort (not that demented mom is comforting, diff subject)
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one_step_at_a_time says:
first time i have cried in a long time.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Silvermoon,
I hereby award your friend the Silver Skillet Award!!!!!! for boinking you a good one! I hope you will loan us this friend any time any of us NEED SUCH A WONDERFUL AND HONEST FRIEND to tell us to get off our duffs!
Sometimes we need a “there, there, poor baby, it will get better” and sometimes we need a BIG BOINK! on top of the head! ((((hugs))))) A good friend knows when each of those things is appropriate!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
i did an epona workshop yesterday. i am starting to process it.
(http://www.taoofequus.com/ws_intro_usa.html)
at the same time, some new stresors have come in to my life. i’ll have the combo plate please!
i am going t take the night off and go out and rent a movie, and have a coffee somewhere. just take it easy. i have been in an overwhelmed state for the last three days, and i need some social interaction – even if it is with strangers.
i wish you all were in my 3d life; i really hate the computer sometimes.
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witsend says:
One Step,
PTSD is one difficult thing to live with. This is for certain. I often think that the aftermath of living with this is worse that the actual trama itself in many ways. The manifestation of the symptoms of this disorder has affected my life an every level possible. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
It feels SO PERMANENT. This Ptsd stuff.
I miss my mom to. She passed away a couple years ago in the month of May and so mothers day has been a difficult day since her passing.
Maybe its a good idea to think about having a friend call over there for you.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
thanks witty – i will try to make that happen tomorrow. just to say hi.
21 fake characters and counting. 21. and i have left out about 4 kids. and the dogs.
i am sitting here looking at a list of twitter messages – mostly fake characters talking to one another – only one real person in the lot (not counting the ppath). and i think, why does that trigger me so? i know they are all her…and i see that it was the chronic and constant ‘distraction’- the drama and trauma of those characters that she created, that kept me from seeing the forest. and it is this ‘state of distraction’ – the contstant stress and given/withheld reward that traumatized me as much as, if not more than the deaths/ suicide attempts/ dying (the ‘story’) . and when i see the list of characters blah blahing to one another, i re-experience the anxiety of that time, overlayed with the knowledge of what she is and what she is capable of….she was capable of deeply distracting me from reality, she created a whole fantasy that was so overwhelming that the falseness of it couldn’t be seen.
all they are, are fake characters on a list. they don’t have to have power over me…they don’t exist. they are characters in a book; a book i was immersed in, characters i identified with; but ultimately, just a story. so, can i choose to close the cover?
she’s just a crazy ppath. she’s no one to me. i don’t have to hang on, to anything.
this line of thought is just forming – so maybe not so clear…but it feels like a little patch of freedom.
i have found a psychiatrist who deals with PTSD. asked the cognitive dude to refer me.
i am sorry your mom is gone witty. they are such heart connections. my mom has been demented for many years now. i have been losing her for a long time, but this time of nc with my dad has made it really hard. i send her cards and letters and newspaper clippings of the stuff i do. i never hear from her – she doesn’t think to write or phone, i hope he gives them to her. so maybe i will do a ceremony tomorrow, for out lost mothers, and the aching daughters.
x one step
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OxDrover says:
Dear Witsend,
I’m sorry you are missing your mom. I hadn’t even thought about “Mother’s Day” as holidays by themselves don’t mean a lot to me any more, though son D did say he was taking me out to breakfast tomorrow morning for Mother’s day. I don’t get “emotional” about a specific day per se. I guess that’s a good way to look at it really, at least for me! With son D every day is “mother’s day,” since with him it is always a good day! With the other ones, it really doesn’t make my heart sad any more–just more of the same.
I do miss my MIL though some times, not specifically on “Mother’s day,” but just the friend she was before she had her strokes. I hope you will do something special for YOURSELF Witty, you have been a good mother to your kids, as much as anyone could have done, so be a good FRIEND to yourself!!!! ((((hugs))))) At least you have some good memories of a mother who loved you, and that’s more than some of us have!
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silvermoon says:
One,
Sorry about your mom. Moms are tough. being one, having one, its all a tough thing.
I think we should celebrate that any woman is brave enough to have a go at it. Its tough no matter how it turns out. Because it always turns out we lose them before we are ready.
As much or more we embrace this one day the nurturing power of women because that is what it is all about. And it is what makes and saves lives in family, in community and in very special places like LF.
It is about that effort to try and try and try again to protect, to nurture, to teach and to encourage that is what sends people into the world to do the things that people must.
Whoever you launch on this morrow, know that you are appreciated and in turn launched by the women who nurture you.
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hens says:
witty – and all you good mothers out there – Happy moms day – i dont think you will see me and ox in line at halmark tho…
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silvermoon says:
One, it has to come out somehow. Have a gut feeling that you are letting the pressure off just that way.
Let’er buck.
You have to feel your way through this. You have to get to the place where you can observe your feelings and let them help you understand what you need to do next.
You’re ok. Its just time to get to the next place and see what it looks like there. If what worked for you before isn’t working for you now, then what is?
It might be something you haven’t noticed while you were working so hard to make the old keep going.
It is a time of changes and they are profound, Being open to the things that what was no longer works and willing to let it go in love is the way, I believe the new path opens. Its there. Are you open to it?
The guidance is in you and around you. Be and recognize it.
She turned her face toward the guesthouse. Should she go there and breakfast with the nuns, speak perhaps of the old days at Camelot? Morgaine smiled gently. No. She was filled with the same tenderness for them as for the budding apple tree, but that time was passed. She turned her back on the convent, and walked down to the Lake, along the old path by the shore. Here was a place where the veil lying between the worlds was thin. She needed no longer to summon the barge- she need only step through the mists here, and be in Avalon.
Igraine
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geminigirl says:
One step. and witty, may I be your stand in Mum for the day?? [or foras long as you like!!]
Sending youa real Mum {{{{HUGGGG!!!!}}}}
Lotsa Love,
Mama Gem.XXX
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witsend says:
geminigirl,
Momma Gem you can be my stand in mum all year long
Hugs right back at you.
Happy mothers day to all.
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Outlier says:
Well, there’s nothing quite like a brisk achey hour long walk on a deep blue skyday on Sunday. If you can muster the strength to try a long walk during ptsd and the raw pain stage, it cannot be said enough how beneficial doing this is. Ideally in a country natural (park) setting. It’s a time we own as ours and nobody can abuse this glorious segment of time. Of course it was full of ‘mindchatter’ and remembering many posts and usernames on here. I fantasised working on OxDrover’s ranch, riding one of her horses herding cattle and doing some manual labour(!). I have learned so much here and think you are all great. Very articulate, insightful and inerently normal people. I reminded myself at the end as I sat in the car suitably sweaty and hungry for a hearty supper, that the “sane” ones who are double quick to label others insane are insane and the “insane” ones they describe are normal healthy fully functional people who only question their sanity when they are involved in any way with abnormal people. You don’t know insanity until you meet an insane/abnormal person.
Sociopaths don’t get ptsd, remember their brains are incapable of feeling. They exact it, suppress it, create it, manufacture it. They don’t feel it. They observe it in others. But they don’t know how it feels. They are addicted to causign trauma. But they are unable to feel rock bottom and then healing. We can. We are able to heal. After rock botom. It’s a phase. They are tormented with the inability to feel normal so they adopt an act to appear normal. We don’t act becasue we are normal. So people who experience PTSD are normal functioning humans able to feel the full range of emotions and responses that abnormal people simply cannot.
I’d rather feel all the emotions in the human psyche – love, pain, sorrow, grief, healing. There’s a balance. A sociopath’s balanced emotions is what? Attack, defence, attack, defence, attack, defence.
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Outlier says:
smallfont chat with geminigirl:
geminigirl, is it you visiting Scotland this summer? Was it you who wanted to share a photo with me? If so, I would love to meet you and chat over a cup of tea and shortbread biscuits. That offer is always open even if it is virtual. If you want to send that photo, you are welcome to. I’ll be happy to help you. We’ve had lots of airspace disruption (iceland’s volcanic ash issue), sadly if your flight is cancelled, you may not get any compensation. I’ve read people losing thousands and insurance companies don’t cover.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Outlier,
You’re wecome to come here and work on my farm, my husband and I argued if it was a “farm” or a “ranch” as different areas call this kind of thing a “farm” or a “ranch” depending on if you raise crops or livestock! In this area they are called “farms” even if the only crop is cattle or dairy, and further west or south, they are called “ranches” no matter what you grow or if you grow anything besides scrub brush! LOL So he called it “the ranch” and I called it “the farm.” LOL
But you can spell it HARD WORK!
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Outlier says:
Hehe, how interesting. In the UK we call it a farm – cattle, crops, livestock etc. I simply accomodated american culture and called your place a ‘ranch’ as I assumed that’s what you call what we call ‘farms’.
I love hard work. there is an end goal to that physical pain. That kind of pain yields positive results. I find farms fascinating. Agriculture, the entire industry. Without those embassadors of land, we’d have no bread and milk! Afterall your descriptive posts of animal behaviour makes compelling reading.
[Btw, I read your responses around 10 days ago. I owe you and a few others some responses. I shall have to wait a few weeks before buying your book of choice.] A warm hug and a kiss on your forehead
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one_step_at_a_time says:
hurtnomore – i understand the cultural norms for you and that your sister would be expected to help. i also remember that your mom cannot. your sister, for whatever reason does not see that your father is not there for you, and does not want the responsibility. i would talk to her and tell her your plans (if you can trust that she will not take things to your father), that you are trying very hard to become independent – and that the sooner you are, the quicker you will have no need for her help. set the number of things you want to ask her help with, and give her an idea that it will end. that it is not an ongoing situation. i am curious as to how much older she is than you and how she has managed to get away and support herself.
when do you turn 18? i would see if you can access some social services and perhaps some churches for help with some definite goals. find out if there is anyone who can help with your license. and hook up with a foodbank, churches for food.
when people know we need help for basic things, we can often find help.
and no, i wouldn’t ask your dad.
about the prom – i have to go with oxy on this one. i didn’t get to go to my highschool prom – not that they were what they are now. back then it was only a dress and shoes one needed to be concerned about. my grade 8 prom, was one of the times in my home life that i wished i could ask for something – i really wanted a dress for it. but i didn’t ask – because we didn’t have the money. i went in my old dress – a perfectly fine one, but my heart hurt a bit. I understand. but you know, you need to focus on getting the tools and skills to get out of that house and make a life. it isn’t always nice, but it is what it is – and when you are independent, and get to college, you will be able to provide for yourself. and this will carry you all through your life. education and drive are key.
best,
one step
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hurtnomore010 says:
one_step: I’m already 18. At first I knew I couldn’t go but my mom really wanted me to go to prom. So she found ways and means for me to go with grudging sister, of course. I realize now that if I have to wait until I get to college in North Carolina then I have to wait to get my license.My sister is barely making enough money herself. She’s a waitress and goes to community college part time. She’s 24 years old.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
hutrno – i see that your mom may be driving this whole thing. my instinct is for you to remove her from most conversations that ask things of your sister. it is not like you are going to your sis and asking – she is being told to help, so of course she not only resent this, given her own little means, but also you.
so, i think it is time for you and your sister to talk without your mom – who only means the best, but is making some demands that will harm your relationship with your sister.
i think you need to see your sister as a peer and allie, and not count on her to be a provider in any way. it may shift the relationship and she may become your close friend – and that’s always better than being the little sis she resents. it is a time of growth for you – you are entering adult life. this is a great opportunity to begin to relate as an adult with your sister.
all the best,
one step
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hurtnomore010 says:
one_step: I’m told to ask my mom for the things that I need because she’s suppose to provide for me. I would rather she help me directly instead of my sister. But my mom believes that family is supposed to help each other out in troubled times. So she wants us to help each other out but its not working.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
hurtno – i don’t think it will work until you have a relationship of equals with your sister. i understand your mom’s ideas and wishes, but you don’t live in Ghana, and are not influenced by a culture in which this sort of family relationship is expected and supported. she will just end up creating problems between the two of you. she, i am sure doens’t understand this, so i think you and your sister need to talk, and figure out the best way for you to get support from your mom without it being routed through your sis.
i am hoping others will weigh in on how to do this. i think it’s possible – no one is at fault, there just needs to be a strategy put in place, so that you get what you need with good relations all around. and this has to be done with your dad out of the picture.
all the best,
one step
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hurtnomore010 says:
I agree! Thank you one_step and OxDrover for looking at it.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
you are welcome; good luck!
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erin1972 says:
Hey ya’ll. I haven’t been postin/talking much lately. I have a lot of the symptoms of the PTSD listed above but I feel like I’m much better than I was a couple months ago. I do startle more easily and notice physical symptoms more than emotional ones lately. I am trying to get in to the doctor because my thyroid may be wonky and the symptoms of pre-mature menopause that I had before seem to be worse.
I am emotionally a lot better. I haven’t cried in awhile and the anger is starting to subside a little bit. I don’t think about him constantly anymore. When he comes into my head I tell myself to stop thinking about him because it doesn’t do any good. No matter how much I think about it or analyze it, it won’t change the situation.
I have finally started to realize that I need to stop thinking about marriage and babies right now. I guess it won’t be the end of the world if I don’t have those things. I know a mentor of mine who missed out on that and she is doing just fine. She loves her career. She worked with me at my old career that I’m trying to get back.
I have decided for now that I am not at all interested in trying to find a man because the trust is way screwed up. I honestly think that I am enough all by myself and I will be better once I get my self esteem back to where it belongs. Hugs to everyone on here who talks and listens to me and Happy Mother’s Day to the moms on here. I had to cut my mom out of my life because she’s toxic and I finally don’t fell guilty about it anymore.
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