The first step in recovering from a sociopath: Staying alive
PDF Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call “Lillian.”
Yes. It happened to me. It took him six years but he left. He left me holding two mortgages in both our names. He left me once I ran out of cash. He left me when I got laid off. I am almost 50 years old and I have nothing. I haven’t heard from him in over a year. He encouraged me to buy a bigger, more expensive house than I would have on my own and came up with half the down. He moved in. Wouldn’t pay anything. Got us a joint account and credit card. I worked. He didn’t even buy groceries. He bought himself a boat after three years of hell as I got angrier and angrier because he just lay on the couch. Then he sailed to Mexico and didn’t come back. His rich widow of a prominent heart surgeon called me one day. He had told her he owned property up here and that he had ended a relationship—which he hadn’t. He got really angry then and cleaned out the joint account of my funds, of course, since there was never any joint about it. He lives in Mexico on his boat and has a house in Oakland. She feels like Cinderella right now and thinks I am the evil stepsister.
I had $400K in cash. No revolving debt. Two retirement accounts and supported my husband and kids. Well fast forward. I have no cash. No retirement accounts. $70K in revolving debt and no job. I am ruined. I am so traumatized and messed up that I can’t function. I just cry. I reach out and no one is there. I am extremely isolated. I want to die. He is living in Mexico and suing me for half the house. He isn’t done with me yet. And I am just two months away from living in a tent. No one cares. No one understands. Everyone thinks that somehow I either deserve this and or it’s my fault. I am done for. I don’t know that I can be helped even if I knew someone who could help me. That’s the story. Sad but true. I wish I were dead.
After a devastating encounter with a sociopath, the most important thing we have to do is stay alive.
We may have lost our money, our homes, our jobs, our health, our self-esteem, our hopes and our dreams, but we cannot lose our selves.
This is basic, but crucial. We cannot die.
Not everyone succeeds at this essential task. Not everyone is able to continue living in the face of monstrous personal betrayal. In these cases, the sociopath truly wins. Dr. Leedom calls it “murder by suicide.”
There is an old adage, “Where there’s life, there’s hope.” When dealing with the aftermath of a sociopath, this is the truth. A sociopath’s goal is always to win, and sometimes to destroy us in the process. When we stay alive, we deny the sociopath’s victory.
We can also start a process that, over time, will enable us to claim victory for ourselves.
It doesn’t seem that way in the blackness of despair as we survey the wreckage of our lives. But as many of us have learned, amid the wreckage we may discover that our broken ideas and beliefs actually needed to be broken and thrown away. We were operating under false conceptions of ourselves, conceptions that made us vulnerable to the predators.
We learn that if we stay alive, we can begin to rebuild our lives, and when we do, we will be living our own truth.
So how do we do it? We keep putting one foot in front of the other. We cry when we need to, then we pick ourselves up and push on. We keep going forward, even though we don’t believe we can.
The road to recovery takes time and patience. It takes recognizing that we may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PSTD). It takes caring about ourselves and being kind to ourselves.
The first step is staying alive.
Please, Lillian, we know your situation is very, very bad. But don’t let him win.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
Tilly says:
Thankyou so much matt for your advice.
1. I have stopped trying to get my things back through him.
2. I have written two brief letters to the tax people and the Australian Dentist Association, saying i am willing to be interviewed and appear in a court of law if they ever need me. But I did not supply any details.
3. The reason I did not supply any details is a long story.
4.To abbreviate the story: I had a “relationship” with a solicitor who was doing the legal papers for the house my grandmother left me, on the Gold Coast, in 2000. The solicitor ended up with my house. He was already a millionaire.When i tried to have the solicitor struck off the through the ombudsmen,and get my house back , the solicitor involved the Gold Coast Corrupt Police and had me put in prison and a mental institution. I found out my lawyer representing was his best friend.
Eight years later in the court of appeal all charges were dropped against me. Too late. I have still lost my home, my sanity and my dignity. But now i don’t have a record – but solicitor psychopath was never charged, nor my crooked lawyer that was representing me.
The dentist new all this of course. As soon as my charges were all dropped he called the police on me and tried to have it done all over again to me. Up until that day I believed his facade. i thought he was an alcoholic and a narcissist, but i hadn’t noticed he was a professional psychopath too.
This time I didn’t have a house to lose. Only the stuff in it and a little money and my dog,which the dentist now has.
I have been totally triggered and am now paranoid and sometimes homicidal towards the dentist. A lot of it is transference from the other p’s in my life who took much more. But I figure as long as I keep saying how I feel then I won’t go mad and actually do anything.
I am so glad this site exists. I got a rap on the knuckles from Donna the other day for saying similar stuff about the dentist..but it was good, I need to keep saying how I feel no matter what. Last time, with the solicitor, I didn’t and it all backfired.
I worry that the p’s will find this site and know where we are at with our affairs and so legally abuse us again or kill us (which as far as I am concerned is the same thing!).
I guess that is PTSD.
The Gold Coast is a great place, you can get out of the sun because their are shady people. You have to go to Brisbane to find a lawyer who is not corrupt in Queensland. The Gold Coast is a hive of evil.
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Tilly says:
P.S. The reason I wasn’t charged with anything so far was I had his messages and I don’t trust anyone in the whole world, except my 19 year old son. Sad but true, that is what it has come down to!
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passingthrough says:
“Lillian”: Don’t give up. I imagine that it must be devastating to have had so much in material assets built up and for that to be lost, now, but don’t give up. Your life is worth more than money.
It sounds like the three big areas of pain are:
1) Devastation over the loss of money, property, etc, and the resultant fear for your future.
2) Emotional pain, feelings of worthlessness and despair.
3) Feelings of panic over being disbelieved by those around you, feelings of isolation.
You can do a lot to mitigate #1; protect yourself legally, do as much research as you can, find a local legal aid group if you can’t afford a lawyer, etc.
For #2, get yourself into psychotherapy immediately, even just for the feeling of safety knowing that in just a few days you will have someone to talk to. Make sure that the therapist is knowledgable about sociopaths.
For #3, the best I can suggest is to provide the people around you with information about sociopathy and to ask them to be more respectful of you. If they continue to engage in victim-blaming (Google it), then CUT THEM OUT of your life and seek support among people who are compassionate and understanding.
Do not give up and please think of all the people who lose their homes to things like natural disasters, and think of the people who lose their money to business failures, serious illness and medical bills, etc. You are not the only person to experience financial loss. Your worth as a person does not change with the numbers in your bank account.
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James says:
jofary
“I so badly wanted to give up. I turned to cigarettes and alcohol – at mid-life!! If it wasn’t for my kids, I’d probably have done much harder drugs because I wanted to die, too. I so desperately wanted to give up but couldn’t because of my kids. They, alone, are what saved me.”
Our children themselves are both a “blessing” but also a tie to our ex s/p. Depending on the age of the child it can be very hard for them to understand why mom/dad does the things they do and the pain and hurt they also caused us. I always felt lucky that my children were old enough to see for themselves how selfish and cruel their mother was and then understand the abuse cause by her. Because of the ages of my children NC was able to be agree on by all of us which made it easy to enforce. jofary, I too agree that without my children I wonder if I would have survived the journey? I do believe I would only because I am a survivor coming from a very dysfunctional family even as a child myself.
Lillian,
“That’s the story. Sad but true. I wish I were dead.”
What others (and I hope you are reading these) are telling you is what we all have been through. I too try not to think about all the time effort and money lost to this relationship. But to die (Dr. Leedom calls it “murder by suicide.”) would in fact give them what they prize the most. To win all! They do hate exposure, so if one was to die then who would be left to exposure them? The person is lost and the story too is lost and so is the history with that person. Truly, this would be a win win for them. But if we survive and become stronger then we can go on to exposure these parasites and then warn others. I for one can stand before you and tell you that yes I too “wish I were dead”. But found that there is always something to live for albeit our children our families and of course ourselves.
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James says:
ember halo
“one thing i’d like to add–
my S knew that a child could be the ultimate weapon against me…
but he didn’t realize that my love for her would come with such huge reserves of strength & perseverance.
because he doesn’t understand the concept of love, he underestimated it.
that is the S’s greatest weakness.”
Ditto! And Amen to that!!!
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endthepain says:
oh…I cant stop crying..I am so angry!! I loathe him right now…please someone ..tell me this will get better….
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James says:
endthepain
Yes, it does through understanding compassion and love of one’s self. You are in a bad place right now but it will end. It takes time to heal and time to move on. One thing my ex asked me once was “why didn’t her children want to talk with her”. I told her, maybe they just need time and then went on to tell her I needed time, Hell! We all need time! Yes, it will be better but in all honesty at times it can be worst. It’s like a hill we climb. It’s hard going up the hill but it easy when we go down that same hill. Just hang in there! It will get better with time and remember to climb only one hill at a time..
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henry says:
end the pain – it gets better I promise – crying is releasing the pain…I cant think of anything to comfort you – I seriously wanted to die – not kill my self but dying would of been better..I think I will stick around and live with a better understanding of myself and why i do what I do and why I did what i did.. at first it was all about him – I plotted revenge – considered murder – to hell with him now – it really really stops hurting – stop trying to end the pain and just process the pain – you have a lot of life to live – the day will come when you think to yourself – damn that was a hard lesson – glad that is over – what did i learn from this? you will be ok – and this is coming from a hopeless romantic that was full of doubt about everything especially my self – but slowly it is coming together to something I can live with that will prolly always be a thorn in my ass – but scars do heal – give it time – and meanwhile do something – bake me some cookies – peanut butter will do…..
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James says:
endthepain
You can also try this. Think about all the emotional triggers (ET) like a movie. Okay now you can slow down this movie rewind it or even stop this movie. What you can do if the ET’s get too bad is to slow down that part of the movie and think only about that part. Don’t worry about the beginning or the end of this movie. Just one part that you can slow down and then think only about that part. Remember it’s your movie and you can do whatever you want! You are in control not the movie.
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Betty says:
Rune: THANK YOU! ! Really a lot.
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shabbychic2 says:
I got this email from my best friend of over 40 years. I thought I would share it with all of you, it is a great pep talk… but you know what? She has never been on this site, and I thought to myself “how does she know all this… and I don’t?” Here it is…
Wow! Finally!!! I am so happy to hear you say “his problems are not my problems,” You are exactly right! I am in awe! You should NEVER be anyone’s doormat and I am so happy that you will not let this guy suck you in to his pity party. He does have a reason to be sad, but he has no right whatsoever to drag you down. Maybe if he had played his cards right, things might have been different, but if it takes him falling all the way to the bottom of the pit to finally see that he should have appreciated you, well, so be it! You certainly don’t need to carry his burden ridden problems! I think these guys see you as pretty, witty, smart…. but most of all, I think they see you’re compassionate, and they prey on that and take advantage of your goodness and kindness. What would you set yourself up for in this situation going forward? It looks like nothing but heartache, grief, sadness….etc. You don’t need that!!!!! You have seen more than your share and it is high time you got to be on the receiving end of someone giving and giving. It is your turn! Stand tough, be strong; you know he will eventually [or sooner] call and try to get to you, “poor me…pity me….” Screw that crap! It is time for you to be the benefactor of some nurturing and kindness. I am still convinced the right person for you IS out there. I will keep praying for you, and you pray, too.
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endthepain says:
thank you Henry..I will bake the cookies..cant promise u I wont eat them all..and James as well….the pain seems so unbearable at times and then im just bit by the fact this man can con and gert away with so much!! he has caused so much hurt within my family..and seeing that smug ass picture with him and his wife..who he was divorcing 2 months ago and her son whom he said he couldnt stand..is sickening to me especially since he cant even call his own son…Im sure he is making nice so she will pay his bills as he is sucha pathetic loser…
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henry says:
a year ago or so i was such a mess – there was blogger that was so nice to me – i think her name was eyeswideopen – i get her and eyeswideshut confused. But any way we went on a virtual movie date – same movie same time different states – it was that new Indian Jones Movie – I felt her presense the whole time – she will never know what an effort it was for me to do that but I did not want to dissapoint her and we talked about the movie later on this blog…endthepain – you will survive – I know you will – you are just full of doubt and doubt is just as powerful as certainty – -but eventually it will come together and you will be a more normal you but changed forever and in a better way
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ember halo says:
i’ve always been tied to my “things”–they hold so much sentiment to me… i’ve always been proud of my responsibility, proud that i could buy a home *by myself*…
my S destroyed many of my things. i just got back from my house–he moved out & is no longer there–and the place was an utter mess. cabinets ripped off the wall & taken. trash of all kinds everywhere. dirty dishes broken in the sink. refrigerator full of rotting food (he let the electricity get turned off at least a week ago). not to mention the holes in the wall (from feet & axes) and the doors all kicked in, cabinet doors broken, dishwasher kicked in. his sister told my friend that “it just needs a little cleaning up, a few holes patched, and the dishwasher pulled out” and other excuses for my S, and condemnations of me.
i had to laugh!!! i just looked at all the devastation, hugged my daughter, and laughed. i just let go of all my things… they aren’t what’s important. my daughter is important. my life is important.
i KNOW i’m strong, and i WILL get through this!
and i will fight tooth & nail to keep him from harming my daughter, in any way. i do not care what they say about me. i do not care what they think of me. it’s their problem, not mine.
i am starting what my S & his family are promising to be a long, drawn out custody battle.
but he has a criminal history. he has a horrid parenting history (his parental rights to his first children were terminated by the state). i have no such history. i’ve told my lawyer that he WILL lie. but she doesn’t think the judge will believe him, after comparing our histories. i pray she is right. i have to believe she is, but i am documenting everything i can just in case.
******
— has any advise about a custody battle, please do share!!!
if anyone–i think i read that ***Matt*** was the “resident legal expert”?
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endthepain says:
I think it is so frustrating knowing that he is always taken care of…always has someone paying his bills…someone taking him back after his load of crap…he cant support his own son but he can have anyone and everyone support him..it angers me
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henry says:
ember halo – oh you poor dear – please please take photos of all this and document every missing and broken item..i have no legal advice Matt will come along and offer some advice – my x did the similar things but not to such extreme – there are holes in my walls and doors – they are reminders of the evil I thot i loved and reminders as to why.? endthepain your X is a Hustler a male prostitute – thank your licky starz he is gone – and I dont smell those cookies baking yet
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henry says:
oops – I meant lucky starz not licky starz -
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endthepain says:
henry..Im laughing thank u for saying that..my mom told me that a while ago..he is a male whore…it will be interesting to see what he convinces his wife to do once they lose their home….cookies are in the oven…and Im tahnking my lucky starz I have this site to come too!! : )
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Kickback says:
Henry
Amazing! To read you now I’m not sure You are You ! To read your words of Hope to others shows that you are healing! And If we where to look back only a short amount of time. I was not sure you where going to even try to cope and heal!
NC + time + LF + time + OxD = New Person
Congrats My Friend
Foot Prints in the sand of our lives ! Don’t forget to smell the Roses!
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FirstThingsFirst says:
Endthepain said, “I think it is so frustrating knowing that he is always taken care of…always has someone paying his bills…someone taking him back after his load of crap…”
I, too, am furious that the s/p in my life has seemingly, happily, glibly moved on to a new woman who adores him and thinks he is the love of her life.
She doesn’t have the financial resources that I did, so I can only suspect that he is using her for something else.
I know that we are not supposed to attach our “thought rules” to the way that they are, but I go round and round in my head. I want the revenge of exposure. I want this new woman to know exactly how he is. I want to hurt him like he hurt me.
I also yearn for acknowledgement for all that I gave him: the love, the support, the money, the loyalty, etc. The thing that hurts the most and keeps my mind churning is that I don’t exist for him. He didn’t respect me enough to warn me that he was moving on to someone else, one day with me and the next day she came to visit him (he snagged the poor thing through the internet), and I was thrown out like a dirty tissue.
THERE HAS BEEN NO ACKNOWLEDGEMENT of anything that I did for him, and it hurts me. I want my mind to let go of this, but since I saw him across the street the other day, my mind has been thinking and thinking and thinking about it.
He did use my best qualities, qualities like excellent problem solving, financial responsibility, sincereity, and caring against me. That too really messes up my mind. I put my best foot foward. I kept trying to solve his problems, all for naught. I was just being used and didn’t see it. How can our best qualities be used against us? Now that is some kind of crazy-making.
I want to stop hurting. I want to stop expecting what I deserve but probably won’t happen. . .to be acknowledged. It hurts so much to be treated like I don’t exist. Any words of wisdom?
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Tilly says:
I had to spend eight hours in a row with my psychopath brother today. And I didn’t get hurt or destroyed! ! Simply because I have been returning to this site and making mental notes. Psychopaths are so predictable! Spiritual vampires! I am exhausted but much more in control of my life. Thankyou fellow survivors. I think i am starting to see a tiny crack of light.
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henry says:
Kickback – Thanx for the thumbs up – I have been trying to cope and heal all my life, not just with my X bf P – but like Ox I was born into a family of predators. There is no easy button for any of us….
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blueskies says:
First things first.
I dont have any words of wisdom, I just want to say hang in there. Its so awful and overwhelming sometimes – the feelings you describe are the same for me.
It feels so frustrating and feels so unjust!
I find it helps at times like that (and it happens on a daily basis) to read as much as you can here, re-mind yourself that this man is a seriously disturbed person, and that no matter what he did,and you gave, you are now FREE.
Its not easy to do but it helps to actively practise shifting thoughts of what you have ‘lost’ onto thoughts where you are now and what you still have.
I find it really difficult.
I have started practising giving all the things I want from others to myself:) I call myself darling and give myself hugs…I am working on being there for me, acknowledging the hurt for myself and giving myself the love and sympathy I deserve…:S
The qualities he used against you, you STILL have, the dreams and the love you had, you still have and are capable of still living and giving… you just need a bit of time.
I wonder – even if he acknowledged what you did for him, would it feel any better?
My s constantly told me that I had saved him. even after the discard he told me how much I had done to improve his life and his home… and do you know what, it didnt feel better to know that.
To know that he DID understand that I had bent over backward for him… and that he STILL wanted to stab me repeatedly in the stomach (metaphorically)… ‘thank you darling blueskies for everything you have done for me, which I am now sharing with someone else, chuckle… what a sucker!’ – it is a bit like that:(
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learnthelesson says:
1stThings1st…
First thing… there are no real “rules” with this PROCESS, except to recognize and understand it is a process. That being said, WHATEVER you are experiencing and feeling on any given day should be embraced and allowed BY YOU.
My best advice is something I was unable to to for a very long time, until I went through all the emotions, the phases of so much pain and anger and resentment and such sadness…after I ALLOWED myself to go through all of that I realized I had a choice. I actually had a choice. It was that I could choose and control on my thoughts…at first on a very small limited level…meaning for about five minutes..but I did it…I either got out of house, or picked up a book, or came to LF…but its really unbelievable how we have a choice (after a certain point) of how we go forward…how we handle the triggers…how we decided to End the pain…
The acknowledgment can come from you. You can say to yourself all that is true.. Wow, I did this, and I did that, And I was so wonderful this way and that way. And truly truly acknowledge to yourself and for yourself. It doesnt have to come from anyone else. You can fill the void of his ignorance and immaturity and selfishness of the things he should have done and simply didnt/cant. The point is you are away from him now..free to choose your days, nights, and thoughts. Yes you are hurt, and yes it hurts that he didnt acknowledge, but you can make yourself feel better (you really can) by taking the first step to acknowledge and feel good about yourself – by acknowleding it yourself.
As far as using your best qualities. When I look back, that was something mine really took advantage of and used to the fullest. What I didnt do to protect myself back then were a few things…I didnt let him EARN my best qualities, I just opened the flood gates and gave and gave and gave..helped solve his problems, made calls to his landlord, helped him financially, so much sincerity was given to him from me…but was is truly being reciprocated back to me? NO. In fact there were times I wouldnt even get a thank you…Or there were times he would disappear right after I did something good for him…I took on his problems and worries (WRONG TO DO BTW) while he was out living it up always without a care in the world…All the while I was doing this…he was silently internally hurting me…but I IGNORED the red flags in each and every instance BACK THEN…I didnt have the tools to remove myself that first time he took advantage of my best qualities. The first time he didnt say thank you for the loan, or whatever is respectful and giving and caring in return…that first time I didnt do a damn thing about it – so then there came more and more. HE WAS WRONG, HE MADE BAD CHOICES, HE HAD HIS OWN TOXIC WAYS IN LIFE, and I went along for the ride, thinking I could fix his problems, and that he will snap out of it and treat me well, and respect and acknowledge me.
BUT I HAD TO SNAP OUT OF IT. If I want the respect and acknowledgement and good treatment I deserve – I have to give it to myself first. How ? by not letting others treat me bad and by acting on that red flag and getting away from them if they do it more than once.
I totally understand Endthepains frustration and continual thoughts about him not having to have a job, and no financial responsibility, and being with someone else…BUT…right now thats where she needs to be, to cope, to process…Eventually she will be able to choose to focus her thoughts on WHAT SHE HAS IN HER LIFE TODAY, her son, her job, her health, HER, HER, HER.. She will be able to choose to go forward or stay in this place for however long she needs to.
And let us not forget…as with us when we are struggling day to day…nothing IS EVER WHAT IT APPEARS TO BE ON THE OUTSIDE. We put on our happy faces, or force ourself to get going. I have LearnED that these bad people often carry such godawful burdens deep inside that they just instinctively “ACT” “PRESENT” “APPEAR” on top of the world — for all we know Endthepains new partners son – is rejecting him, or jealous of his time with him Mom, or doesnt like the way he is…and he may be sucking her dry and cheating on her, and in debt, and this new Woman will find out in time what shes dealing with. You see the focus needs to shift on him and his life and what he does and temporarily gets away with – let him go mess up his life – cuz he will – they all do – they have no choice – they are repetitive creatures of habit. BUT WE HAVE A CHOICE – WE HAVE THE GIFT OF KNOWLEDGE AND POWER AND CHOICE – WE HAVE THE CHANCE TO REGAIN OUR STRENGTH AND INNER SELF EVERYTHING- AND LEAVE REAL DUST FROM OUR WHEELS IN THEIR FACE AS WE LET GO AND MOVE ON FROM ONE VERY EXCRUCIATING LIFE LESSON. CHOOSE WISELY…YOUR THOUGHTS, YOURS MOMENTS, YOUR DAYS,…YOU ARE BACK IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF AGAIN. IM GLAD YOU ARE FREE. IM GLAD WE ALL ARE, IM SORRY FOR OUR HURT AND PAIN AND THE PROCESS, BUT IF YOU EMBRACE IT AND FOCUS ON YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE READY – LIFE REALLY UNFOLDS IN YOUR FAVOR WHILE HIS REMAINS THE SAME OLD CHIT…BE DONE WITH THAT.
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learnthelesson says:
Dear Blueskies,
While I was writing away my run on sentences and thoughts…you so perfectly summed up everything I was feeling and trying to express. You are getting it too.. you are processing it…and slowly and steadily getting over the hump too. We all are, at our own pace…and we all WILL!!
There will always be a soft spot, filled with numbness and confusion and mixed emotions, good/bad memories of that time in my life with him – but it is in my past like so many other good and bad times and memories in the past 42 years. There will be more to come because Im gearing up to really let go and move on – and this time around Im bringing my protection and excitement with me …me three best friends for life…
Ms. Self-Respect
Ms. Self-Trust
Ms. Self- Love
Mr. Extox – there is absolutely no room for you. The free ride in my life and my head stops here. Your bad choices are much different than mine regarding life…good luck with yours! Mine is getting so much better each and every day!!
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blueskies says:
Another thing I am doing is practising thinking about the things I gave to him emotionally and spiritually and literally as presents.
Like – have you ever given anyone a present and they’ve appeared to love it but you notice it in the thrift store or the garden heap a week later?
It is upsetting, but its just ‘one of those things’, you shrug and say oh well I gave my present and they didnt like/ want it. That’s it.
I am probably not making myself very clear, but this is a technique that is really helping to turn down the emotional agony when thinking back about things for me.( not always of course)
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blueskies says:
Hi LTL:)xx
we are writing over eachother:) I will read your post now:) much lovex
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blueskies says:
oh and I just wanted to say one more thing, there are a couple of songs that I find very theraputic at the moment -
1.) Get Gone by Fiona Apple
2.) Bloody Mother F***ing Asshole by Martha Wainwright.
Singing LOUDLY along to these helps me to direct my anger towards the right place(him) and have a bit of a laugh at myself..:)
also singing at the top of your voice releases anxiety:)
…. so what with the talking to myself (come on darling lovely blueskies) and the singing – my neighbours are a hairs breath away from calling the men in white coats to haul me off to the funny farm;)
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learnthelesson says:
BLUESKIES.
Thank.
You.
I am laughing. I am literally belly chuckling from Martha Wainwrights song…the way she segways into the title…the words leading up to it…I couldnt download it fast enough!! As well as Get Gone!!!! Awesome therapeutic song referrals! Hope I will be ok at the gym, cuz I workout to an ecclectic array of my music on my ipod…sometimes Ill be next to a guy or girl on treadmill picking up in cresendo “Somewhere over the rainbow” and then I realize Im louder than the treadmill…or Ill hear an emotional song and be quickly wiping away the tears…or days I need to get out of thoughts – a real fast upbeat pop song….but I hope I wont get thrown out when Im singing Bloody Mother F***ing Asshole over and over again!!!!!!!!! LMAO.. THANK YOU! TOWANDA!
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eyeswideshut says:
Dear Lillian, Ditto to all the comments above. I would just like to add that sometimes it helps to realize that you were targeted for all your good qualities, and those qualities are what makes life worth living. Even when our trust has been horribly abused, we still have those core values that make us whole.
I am exactly 18 months NC and the sharp, unbearable pain and sense of being untethered from reality has become a distant memory. I am also facing tent city, as my resources have run out, and at my age it has been impossible to find a job, even Home Depot doesn’t want me apparently.
But weirdly, I go to sleep with a big involuntary smile on my face, and wake up worried, but happy. You too will come to the point where just the relief of being out of his grasp and his gaslighting will open a whole new world.
Trust all the survivors here, it does get better.
Persoanlly I feel the experience has made me stronger and more whole. The agony and greif caused me to go way back to find my vulnerabilities, and being alone caused me to work on healing myself, with tender love and attention that truly, no one has ever given me.
And for the other LF’ers familiar with my tale, here is the punch line. He is moving in with another woman (despite being, shall we say bi-sexual).
And she is highly, highly religious. Highly religous. So he is going back to church!. Aaagh…there is no lie they will not entertain, they change persona’s like we change our shoes. I pity the poor woman, and can only wait to see what his hidden agenda is this time. Maybe to look all pious when I take him to court? The pitiful victim? Or she has money, who knows. Thank goodness I no longer care.
Lillian, let your revenge be surviving him and living a whole and happy life. It is something comepletly out of their reach.
Peace to all.
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eyeswideshut says:
Dear Matt, Just to chime in about the family law concept, I have been finding out the huge numbers of people who end up doing self representation in family law court because of the costs. Which led me to thinking what a success a law firm that specializes in helping people with the task could do.
Apparently well over 50% of cases end up with one or both parties doing self rep. and as you know it is daunting. ( I am about to go down that path myself).
Don’t know what the technicalities are, but you would be swamped with business, for sure.
Glad to see you are also healing, and getting feisty to boot.
As Bette Midler used to say “F’em if they can’t take a joke”
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Tilly says:
I am told my ex psychopath alcoholic “dentist” now attends church with his new Indian victim too!! He used to rubbish me so badly for going to church..and he was also very racist against anyone from India or Asia…the mind boggles.
Now he goes to church and i walk around singing Martha Wainwrights chorus you “bloddy mother f…… asshole”.
Progress not perfection! But I’m getting my wicked sense of humour back. (It took me five years to get it back after the solicitor). I too am living in the worst dive I’ve ever lived in in my entire life, and yet I have more peace than Ive had in my entire life.
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breached1957 says:
YES!!! Murder by suicide. It is exactly what my husband has blatantly hinted at while wiping my children and I out. It worked for him and his mother before when his brother took his life. They crucified the poor man who was a well loved and well known Pediatrician and swiftly started persecuting his wife by blaming her for it. Sub human rotten, wicked SOB”s. When his crow mother dies…she is 98 (the wicked thrive), she will have good company with Hitler, John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy, Ed Gein, etc. in HELL, but she won’t be with Daniel who is being comforted by God. I was taught by the church as a child that we should not glory in the fall of others including the wicked. Well, I have changed…I look forward to seeing them get their recompense and knowing they will be in the company of other wicked ones for all eternity and will never again be able to mingle and blend in with the sheep as they were ravenous wolves in this life and what they have unleashed on others in this world will be what is unleashed on them for eternity. So be it!!!!!!!!!!! Regards, Breach
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britneyhammer says:
dear Lillian,
as you can read now-we have been where you are or are there now. There is so much strength and hope here at LOVEFRAUD (which is the perfect name!).
I believe I have finally put an end to my S’s invasion into my life and the kaos he brings with him wherever he goes. Even though he left me high and dry-total abandonment and betrayal-marrying a girl he met in a truckstop with 5 kids (four were taken away from her by DSS) not two months after he met her without me knowing a thing (and me trying to end it with him off and on for 10+ years), he still tried to maintain a “best friend” relationship w/me behind her back (nonsexual) which was strictly opportunistic-me giving (financially, emotionally, manipulating medication out of me that he used to get “high” with) …I got so fed up I sent a 10 page letter to his new wife and his mother telling them about his insistance on keeping this relationship with me and all about his lies and manipulations. (His mother is totally codependant and overly involved in his kaotic life).
He has not tried to call in over a week and I feel GREAT about it-I have some withdrawl and loneliness because I did not develop a social network for myself-he took up alot of my time and yes, I have to admit-there is someting very comfortable about hanging out with someone who I have shared so much with (12 years total) and part of me misses that…but with the help of God, my therapist, this website and developing and nurturing the few friends I do have-I KNOW my life will get better. I am convinced that as long as he remained in my life in ANY capacity- I am at a standstill-I am doomed. I won’t grow and I won’t achieve honest REAL relationships and the peace and serenity I long for. Now, I have a chance and SO DO YOU LILLIAN! DON”T GIVE UP! KNOW WE UNDERSTAND AND THERE ARE MANY PEOPLE WHO HAVE COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE AND ARE LOVING LIFE!!!!!! Peace.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Breach,
I am so glad that you are back posting! I know you have had a horrible ordeal and that your X is the very UN-funny “joke” of a rotten attorney (no offense Matt). I validate and understand your anger and desire for retrobution. It is difficult NOT to long for their “come-uppence” even if it is on the other side of death.
I just finished reading the “Legal Abuse Syndrome” book and I really do suggest that if you haven’t read it you do so. It seems almost written for you alone! There is so much healing information in it and validation for the emotional rape you have endured.
I pray for you and Jacob and that you will find peace and justice! ((((hugs))))) and love Oxy
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endthepain says:
OxDrover…I have read many posts and I have to ask you based on your experience…how do I handle being attacked or receiving the vegence so to speak..of a narcissist and an S..who have come together as a team against me…its crazyness to say the least…i want out of this!
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breached1957 says:
Dear OxDrover,
Ha I finally got logged in! Thank you for your support for Jacob and I. You are a lovely lady. I am asking my attorney if I can get my case moved to town 20 miles from here. He is saying it is too late. I find that hard to believe, what do you think? Is that BS? Love, Breach
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greenfern says:
I apologize for butting in with this….but has anyone been following the Drew Peterson case? It’s been a pretty big deal here in Chicago. He has been arrested in connection with the death of his ex-wife. He has gone through 4 wives, 1 dead, the last one missing. The dead one died under mysterious circumstances in her bathtub. Later she was exhumed and it was ruled homocide.
The missing wife was never found. Drew Peterson fits the sociopath profile really well. His ex wives have filed complaints against him, the dead wife voiced her fears about him before she died.
He is flippant, sarcastic when interviewed. He is just one big jerk. He has (had) custody of his 4 children. He is an ex police officer. His last wife Stacy who is missing was half his age.
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awakening says:
hi Lillian,
i am so sorry and i know exactly how you feel. i care i really care. it is a horrible pain and i know the feeling of being blamed or people rolling their eyes or not taking it seriously. i totally got the same thing.
i also wanted to die and even begged him to kill me (only a few months ago). mine is gone for now but i know he will be back too.
i paid for him to live let him move in and he took it all. i just moved tuesday. had to sell my home in this horrible economy and move into a townhouse half the size. i loved my home but it is nice to be away from the memories.
he cheated too. i only found out after 13 years last june and yet he still won’t admit it and she is only one of many. then i found out he was sleeping with prostitutes on the same night he was with me. then i found out he was a swinger with men and women. it’s like a horror film but worse. believe me i get the pain.
i am totally broken and i feel alone as well but i no longer sit paralyzed on the floor crying and wanting to die. it may come back at any moment but i think this group of people are giving me clarity and strength somehow.
please know i get it and i believe you and i think we both may have found the help we need by finding this website.
hang in there, be safe, and stay in touch.
thanks for sharing your story.
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Lillian says:
Hello from Lillian: It has been 20 months since the PP actually left. 15 since contact. I distracted my self with a lot of things in the meantime. Lots of alcohol and pain killers. A failed job. Crying. Working out. Starving. Eating. Not working out at all. Painting my walls. Vivid colors of red, blue and green. Gardening. Some sleeping but not at night. I would reach out as i did to you at Love Fraud. I am finally just sitting. Sitting through life. Trying to silence the shoulds. And finally using the little bit of light I get to glimpse sometimes and the energy with it to Register at LoveFraud.
Yes. i am so destroyed I could read the things you write but not get it together enough to register and respond. I am sitting. Some more. But I want to thank those of you (89 in total) who wrote something. Anything. i am comforted but horrified by the stories. When I was little I would have a reoccuring dream that I was hiding in a closet while men with army boots were double timing down the hall way to find me. I would have to leave the room in school when we studied world war II. My dad watched the Vietnam news during dinner and I would be sick to my stomach by the evil that men do. To each other. To all of us. On Septemeber 11th my world fell apart by the evil that men did. And last February I finally collapsed under the strain as evil was put directly upon me.
I too try to be loving, open, giving, kind and generous, not too judgemental. I try and try to trust again and again. And I fail. I feel too frail for this world and I wonder why I am forced to go through it all. What did I do? Who did i do it to? I try to stay safe and right now I don’t feel suicidal but I think the thoughts. The release of it all. My children keep me going. And I love them so much it frightens me and has from their first breath.
The silent but deadly post today spurred me on as I felt that someone actually got what I lived the last six years. And it broke me. I was like a prisoner of war who begins to idetifiy with their captor. Now I’ve been released. Alive but very damaged. Shake. Unsteady of step. Out of touch. I have found this sight and I am grateful but horrified at the evil that men do. Still.
i am looking for my turn for someone to be loving and to care for me. I want to hope that it’s out there somewhere. xoxo Lillian
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shabbychic2 says:
Hi Lillian: It is good to hear from you. Was very sorry to read what happened to you, just horrible, but I am glad you are here, I have read a lot of articles and posts on this website and it has helped me a lot. I am happy to read that you are feeling a little bit better. I too trusted the wrong people, that is maybe all we did “wrong”, I wasn’t taught to pay attention to red flags, I just wanted love.
I know what you mean about loving your children so much it frightens you, I felt that way when my daughter was born, I did not know it was possible to love anyone that much!!!!
I hope you will write again and soon, it helps you heal to write about everything and this is a safe place.
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shabbychic2 says:
Lillian: Good morning (or afternoon, depending on where your are). Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and you are in my prayers. I hope today is a good day for you!!!
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shabbychic2 says:
Lillian: I was wondering how you are doing with the feelings of being isolated. When I read the posts here at LF I don’ feel so all alone. If you reach out here… there will be a “cyber-hand” that reaches back, it can be very comforting!
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Lillian says:
Hi SC2; It is nice to hear from you. And to know that someone is thinking of me. I had an okay day. I took my kids to school and then they go back to their dads so it was a healing day. I ate frosting off of the cake and took a nap. I am in a bit of a limbo due to the lack of a job, finances and the real estate issues so I do nothing. I feel like everyone is waiting for me to get back up and save the day. So it’s a waiting game. Even if i could fix everything my therapist says I shouldn’t. Even so it is an empty feeling because saving the day is what i’ve done for years now. I’m trying to make it feel like a decision, a choice, not a failure. That is hard. Everything is hard. Even feeding my children is hard. But, loving them isn’t. That’s a good thing. Thanks for writing. I appreciate it a great deal. Lil
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shabbychic2 says:
Lillian: Frosting off the cake sounds good!!! I am not working either, and this is the first time since I was 16 that I don’t have a job. I stay home a lot, and it makes me feel like a blob. If I remember correctly, don’t you live in a beautiful area with farms? Or was that someone else? I’m loosing my mind. I am also trying not to feel that what happened to me was a failure, my biggest fear was being abandoned, but I guess I am facing that fear… and I’m still here!
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slimone says:
Lillian,
“I feel like everyone is waiting for me to get back up and save the day. So it’s a waiting game”
Oh boy do I get this. Being the one that others look to for strength and solution and getting up and getting to it again. And the sense of failure. It is probably the MOST difficult feeling for me to sit with. It has taken me quite a while to get to the point that I don’t hear it as a continuous background noise to my other emotions.
Even though you are in the hard waiting place that you currently occupy, and many of us would choose to be in suspended animation rather than go through the kind of helpless feeling states we experience after the trauma/awakening…… I am so glad to hear from you…..and that you have 20 months of distance, time, healing time. I am happy that you have ‘chosen’ to sit, to wait, to talk with a therapist, and to register…..that you are eating frosting off a cake.
I am glad you are alive.
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Donna Andersen says:
Lillian,
I’m so glad you have posted. Please know that we all understand where you are, because we have been there too. Right now, doing nothing isn’t really doing nothing, it is allowing yourself to come to terms with what happened, and to begin gathering your strength to move forward. So much of the recovery process is internal, and that is what you are doing.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Lillian,
Oh, yes, I too was the “saver of the day” the “fixer of all the things wrong” the one that “the world couldn’t revolve” if I didn’t spin it…..I THOUGHT! But Lilian, dear Lillian, it is NOT our responsibility to fix everything that is wrong with the world! Or even within our families! That is a job waaaaay too big for any one person. Yet, we feel SO RESPONSIBLE for doing this impossible job!
Sitting, waithing, healing, those are ALL good things. If you had a broken leg with a cast on it, you would not feel responsible for getting up and running a foot race would you? You would give yourself time to heal. You have a different thing that is “broken” right now, that needs time to HEAL and needs comfort, quiet and peace. Your spirit is mangled, broken, and healing it is okay, you are NOT neglecting something else that you are responsible for by healing your spirit.
I can also relate to your love for your children, as I too am a parent.
You most likely feel like everything in the world is attacking you at once—the old it is difficult to drai the swamp when there are alligators nipping at your butt!
You need to heal yourself FIRST, so get out of the swamp, quit trying to drain it, and lay on the shore away from the alilgators for a while and gather strengh and healling so that you can go back into the swamp and squash the alligators and drain the swamp! ((((hugs)))) and prayers! We’ve all been in teh swamp my dear!!! Keep on reading here, read the old articles in the archives and keep on posting, it will help. My prayers for your peace and healing. Oxy
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Kathleen Hawk says:
Lillian, thank you for posting. I, too, am really glad to hear from you.
What you describe about yourself is what I used to call “sitting and staring.” I did it for a while, waiting with myself. I didn’t exactly know what was going on with me, except that I felt immobilized. Everywhere my mind went seemed to be another problem or another reason to despair. I had a hard time coming up with a reason to live.
But at the same time, I was healing. Maybe from a really wounded place, where what I was going through was a kind of shock reaction. Too much to handle, so I was out in the ozone. But inside, I was gradually working through the overwhelm.
What I eventually came to think was that my feelings were the keys to healing. They were the one thing I had a lot of, even when I couldn’t seem to hold a thought.
My therapist once told me about “sitting with.” She said that sitting compassionately with someone who was in pain without attempting to fix them was one of the hardest things in the world to do. Just being a companion to them. But it was a deeply bonding thing to do, and that the ability to do that was the cement in many long-term relationships.
So I “sat with” my feelings. Letting them be, letting them say whatever they wanted to say, listening without judging them or myself.
I don’t know if this makes sense as a I write it, but paying that sort of attention changed the whole character of my recovery. I made friends with myself in a new way and learned about myself at a level I’d never known before.
It took time. I had to overcome some obstacles. Like letting myself feel angry and bitter for a while, when I’d never let myself have feelings like that before. But I discovered that those feelings had their reasons and would actually protect me if I let them. It became easier to regain my trust in myself and a feeling that I actually could take back control of my life.
As I said, it didn’t happen overnight. But it was good work. Exciting in a way. It helped me separate “me” from the bad thing that happened to me. I didn’t choose it. No matter how I might have participated in it — from misguided love — I was not the one who created all this damage and loss. It was not my fault. I needed to know that.
I’m glad you have a therapist who understands what you’re going through. It does get better. In fact, the healing process gets pretty wonderful as we move through it. We find new ways of looking at the resources of our lives and of dealing with residual issues with the sociopath. So you can look forward to that. But in the meantime, you have every reason to feel kind of blasted.
I feel for you and, like everyone else, I send you lots of healing energy.
Kathy
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Lillian says:
Good morning to all: Thank you again so much for your thoughts and wishes. I need them as you probably know. I am on the verge of losing everything but it isn’t gone yet. It is agony. Like a festering tooth. I just want it all to be over. I wonder why no one cares about me after I have spent so much time caring for others.
Is it me or them that has the disorder. I read one thing last night that helped me clarify that. If someone drives themselves crazy it is a neorosis or pschyosis. If they drive other’s crazy it is a personality disorder. I have been so confused reading everything wondering if I am the one with the personality disorder as I have been so angry and depressed.
The good news is that I am just neorotic and have been driven to these neorosisies by my loved ones with personality disorders (oh yes there were others. This is a pattern apparently and by far the worst). I am grasping here. I apologize for the spelling but I am not familiar with medical terms so much. For what it is worth this was a relevelation for me and I am clinging to it and trying to believe in it. As I believe in so little right now.
I do know that I am terribly needy and I hope that I can support others on this site at some point but I am not that clear yet. Thank you so much for being here for me. My friends in cyberspace. xoxo Lil
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