The first step in recovering from a sociopath: Staying alive
PDF Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we’ll call “Lillian.”
Yes. It happened to me. It took him six years but he left. He left me holding two mortgages in both our names. He left me once I ran out of cash. He left me when I got laid off. I am almost 50 years old and I have nothing. I haven’t heard from him in over a year. He encouraged me to buy a bigger, more expensive house than I would have on my own and came up with half the down. He moved in. Wouldn’t pay anything. Got us a joint account and credit card. I worked. He didn’t even buy groceries. He bought himself a boat after three years of hell as I got angrier and angrier because he just lay on the couch. Then he sailed to Mexico and didn’t come back. His rich widow of a prominent heart surgeon called me one day. He had told her he owned property up here and that he had ended a relationship—which he hadn’t. He got really angry then and cleaned out the joint account of my funds, of course, since there was never any joint about it. He lives in Mexico on his boat and has a house in Oakland. She feels like Cinderella right now and thinks I am the evil stepsister.
I had $400K in cash. No revolving debt. Two retirement accounts and supported my husband and kids. Well fast forward. I have no cash. No retirement accounts. $70K in revolving debt and no job. I am ruined. I am so traumatized and messed up that I can’t function. I just cry. I reach out and no one is there. I am extremely isolated. I want to die. He is living in Mexico and suing me for half the house. He isn’t done with me yet. And I am just two months away from living in a tent. No one cares. No one understands. Everyone thinks that somehow I either deserve this and or it’s my fault. I am done for. I don’t know that I can be helped even if I knew someone who could help me. That’s the story. Sad but true. I wish I were dead.
After a devastating encounter with a sociopath, the most important thing we have to do is stay alive.
We may have lost our money, our homes, our jobs, our health, our self-esteem, our hopes and our dreams, but we cannot lose our selves.
This is basic, but crucial. We cannot die.
Not everyone succeeds at this essential task. Not everyone is able to continue living in the face of monstrous personal betrayal. In these cases, the sociopath truly wins. Dr. Leedom calls it “murder by suicide.”
There is an old adage, “Where there’s life, there’s hope.” When dealing with the aftermath of a sociopath, this is the truth. A sociopath’s goal is always to win, and sometimes to destroy us in the process. When we stay alive, we deny the sociopath’s victory.
We can also start a process that, over time, will enable us to claim victory for ourselves.
It doesn’t seem that way in the blackness of despair as we survey the wreckage of our lives. But as many of us have learned, amid the wreckage we may discover that our broken ideas and beliefs actually needed to be broken and thrown away. We were operating under false conceptions of ourselves, conceptions that made us vulnerable to the predators.
We learn that if we stay alive, we can begin to rebuild our lives, and when we do, we will be living our own truth.
So how do we do it? We keep putting one foot in front of the other. We cry when we need to, then we pick ourselves up and push on. We keep going forward, even though we don’t believe we can.
The road to recovery takes time and patience. It takes recognizing that we may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PSTD). It takes caring about ourselves and being kind to ourselves.
The first step is staying alive.
Please, Lillian, we know your situation is very, very bad. But don’t let him win.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
shabbychic2 says:
Lillian: I don’t have the answer, I wish I did! I also have repeated patterns my entire life. Reliving old trauma? I don’t know. I just had to fix and rescue everyone. I have taken treatment from an S that other women would not have tolerated for 1 day… let alone years. I drive myself crazy! I feel as if… since I put up with the crap… well my sister says I’m not demanding enough, I’m too nice, I should get rid of the loser, etc etc… and if I’m frozen where I am isn’t it my problem? Am I desperate or crazy? I hope somebody has an answer!
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shabbychic2 says:
Lillian: We might act a little bit crazy sometimes, but we’re normal. I have been angry and depressed lately myself… as you have, but we’re not the ones with a personality disorder! We can believe in that for sure. I’m not too clear on everything myself, and I don’t seem to be blessed with the talent of writing my thoughts down very well, but I’m hanging in there with everybody here.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Chic,
Don’t put down your ability to convey your thoughts! I think you do a great job!
Good morning, Lillian, hope your evening was better. To me, just getting VALIDATEd from others is a great start! Soon you will learn to validate YOURSELF. That was a difficullt hurdle for me. When I started trying to learn to set boundaries, I would worry that I was being “unfair” or “mean” by telling people to quit stomping on my toes! LOL so I would discuss this boundary with my son D, and ask him “Is this boundary unfair?” He would validate me that it was NOT unreasonable or unfair, even with people he also loved. I have now realized, when I set these boundaries and they continued to STOMP ON MY TOES after I asked them to stop, that though I loved them, THEY DID NOT LOVE ME. So, I set stronger and bigger boundaries and essentially pushed these people out of my life.
That is the thing about boundaries, if you set a boundary and they do not respect it, it is a CLEAR INDICATION that they do not care about you. Therefore, if they do NOT care about you, or care about hurting you, WHY IN THE NAME OF HEAVEN, do you want these people in your life?
It gets easier as you learn to validate yourself. In the meantime, use LF as a validation for your thoughts, feelings and actions. there are some really smart people here who will “tell you like it is” in a kind and caring way—and sometimes even use my “cast iron skillet” to LOVINGLY boink you on the head to say “WAKE UP and smell the coffee” This “skillet” has sort of become a LF tradition, but is ALWAYS wielded with love and caring! LOL That is one of the most wonderful things here is the total loving and caring. ((((hugs)))) and my prayers for you!
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speck says:
I tell you now, if it wasn’t for my daughter who needs me, I wouldn’t be here today. Because I cannot leave her… I went to the doctor and I am now taking an anti-depressant, tranquilizers, and sleeping pills to get through this. I never ever pictured myself in this shape and I never-ever thought I’d end up like this. I used to be a very strong and confident man – but now I have lost almost 40 pounds, I look like I have aged 19 years almost overnight, and I have no self-esteem and the indignity and the shame of the betrayal is far more than I would have ever have agreed or been willing to bear, but like I said, my daughter, my precious and innocent daughter needs me and I have to get myself together for her sake.
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speck says:
oops, I meant, “aged 10 years”.
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learnthelesson says:
Speck,
Happy early fathers day! What a bittersweet post … You will get through this…LF is an amazing place to turn to for advice and just venting and reading and reading all of the articles. None of us ever imagined this happening to us, but so many ahead of us on the recovery path are proof that we get back to being stronger and more confident than before.
Im glad you made it, you are being proactive for your sweet childs sake…You are so right, SHE NEEDS YOU, and you will build yourself up again, if not for yourself, than for her…whatever it takes!
We will all help you…we are all on this journey together! Stay strong and focused and fasten your seatbelt too…it quite the ride and gets better with time!
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OxDrover says:
Dear Speck,
Welcome to Love fraud! We’re kind of like a cancer suvivor’s group, no one would want to join, but since you QUALIFY, this is teh best place to be! It is a healing place and good people. speak your mind, read and learn! No one will put you down here, or not believe you because we have all been through the “surgery” and the pain!
I’m glad you too have a reason to live, it is difficult sometimes to find one, but the fact that you do have, means you are stronger than you know! Don’t give up! Again, welcome to a safe andhealing place. (((hugs)))
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Rune says:
Kickback: Days ago you posted a link to “Dr. Robert.” You didn’t get much response. I’m catching up on reading here, and I followed your link.
I feel that “Dr. Robert” may have some clinical experience (by his word) but he has no real sense of the dangerous aspects of the disorder. He’s living in a delusion that non-empathetic people are still somehow capable of operating within normal boundaries and in predictable ways.
The notion that a sociopath/psychopath could even be trusted to be a sniper, a spy, a soldier, or carry out any other job that entailed responsibility and ethical actions toward others is naive at best. I don’t buy it.
Frankly, I share your reservations about the responses that Dr. Robert posted. Is Dr. Robert a “suspect” in our efforts to uncover S/Ps wherever they are? I can’t say that. But I really don’t believe that he “gets it” when it comes to the reality of a sociopath or psychopath operating within society.
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Rune says:
Firstthingsfirst: You said, “there is absolutely nothing that I did to deserve his grotesque betrayal, his never-ending deceit, his grand manipulation and his unabashed exploitation and neither have you.”
“Right on!” as we used to say!
In some of my reading, I uncovered a piece of research that showed that battered women tend to take on guilt for things that are completely outside of their control.
Not all of us are battered, in the usual sense of the term. And certainly not all of us are women. Not all of the abusers who batter the women (or men) in their lives are socio/psychopathic.
But so many of us who have been on the receiving end of this type of abuse are ready to guilt-trip ourselves, taking on the responsibility for things that are completely outside of our control.
That crushing sense of guilt — for things that were always out of our control — is perhaps the first, biggest obstacle we have in our recovery.
We did not cause this. We can study, learn, examine ourselves, and grow from this in ways we never thought possible. But we did not cause the rages, the attacks, the devastating insinuations, the thefts, the deceits that these people perpetrated on us.
First, we need to forgive ourselves for any sense that we caused this. Then we can start to move forward.
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henry says:
Speck – Welcome to love fraud and get prepared to regain your identity and your weight. Please hang with the wonderful real people here that know what you are feeling.
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James says:
speck
Welcome!
My children for me was and are my saving grace. I really don’t know how all of this would have turned out for me without them. I like to believe I would have survived it…
“Losing weight“. Same here
“strong and confident man“ happen to me as well. I felt like a shell of the man that I was.
“I have no self-esteem and the indignity and the shame of the betrayal is far more than I would have ever have agreed or been willing to bear“, yes, been there and know how it feels.
But this will end over time and through healing and understanding what happen. It’s been 3 years for me and I “still have my bad days”. But at least it doesn’t happen as often and not as bad. Hang in there and know that many of us too have been where you are at today. Thank God for our children for indeed they are our saving grace! Please read other members stories. They helped me understand that I am not alone and without support. Support and understanding is what you will find here at LoveFraud.com
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Rune says:
Speck: Many of us have found the courage to keep going because we have others who count on us. You have your daughter, and she is a blessing to you.
It doesn’t matter whether we are male or female, if we’ve been blindsided by a pathological liar who had an agenda of destruction, we are still trying to figure out what happened — and the first thing we “responsible” people do is “eat our own selves alive.”
Keep posting, and reading, and stay open to the kindness and awareness that you can find here.
Most of us were “strong and confident” before we were derailed by someone who is mentally disordered. And our first (responsible) reaction is to blame ourselves.
Hang in there, and learn to celebrate each beautiful moment of your day. Each moment is a brick with which you can rebuild your life.
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speck says:
Thank you all for the kind comments and the hugs. I guess misery loves company because you have made me feel better.
My wife mapped out and planned the next 18 years of my life with plans to leave me and start a new life with a rich man once our children were grown. She lied to me, oh how she to me and used me. She fooled me and I thought that she really loved me. I promise, when I get stronger I will tell this full story (and it’s a whopper-and a real tear jerker- just like so many others in here) one day in here.
Thanks again. It is nice to have a place where there are people that can understand what I am going through. I don’t feel so alone…
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housie says:
Speck,
I don’t know that I agree that “THEY” are mentally disordered, but I DO know that there is healing and hope here. I was involved with the Psychopath in my life for 42 years, and the perspective I now hold is phenomenol! Please stay here and allow us to companion you through this maze. There are those you will meet all along the way, some before you, some beside you, and some behind you. You are never alone. God Bless
!
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rwheaton says:
Lillian I have three pieces of advice for you. My first BIG advice is to not look ahead down the road to far. Initially take one day at a time for as long as it takes then take a couple days at a time. And I do recommend counselling – someone you can trust and who will validate you as a person. Also journal, journal, journal about your feelings and emotions everyday. Then after a couple of months go back and read the beginning, knowing that you have come even a tiny step forward will empower you.
When I discovered the guy I was dating was a true psychopath I made a choice to walk away from the money he had taken from me because I knew my life would have been next. He had even over conversations had set up the entire scene in my mind. And yes it too involved Mexico. I was totally devastated and walked around like a zombie for weeks. I had to go to work so I put on a front only to collapse when I got home. Most days I was a danger on the roads because I honestly could not remember how I drove from work to home.
One of my colleagues and friends said “Do not let him win. Concentrate on your healing then make an even better life without him.“ Part of my healing and my urge to give back was to write a book about my experience but most of all the healing process. Step by step guidelines and exercises to work through. I am still in the process of writing the book – my final section will be international stories from other women.
It has been over a year now and yes I have come a long way from the person on the bed in the fetal position and I still have flashbacks on occasion. Believe me and all those that have written Lillian, you will beat this person and not let him take your life – the essence of who you are.
“He who laughs last, laughs the loudest” – hang in there.
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sinewave says:
Tilly–I wish you the very best, and I want to thank you for one nugget of information: your S, a dentist, works two days a week. Phew!! Mine works four. At least I’m not giving your S any of MY MONEY!!!
Keep the faith–your reputation is safe on this site!
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Lillian says:
Hello all: It is me Lillian again. It has been a while. I am still not working but was able to be a full time mom for my kids this summer. They are back in school now. I have made little progress in general since I last wrote. The house is still tied up in legal limbo while I slowly go bankrupt. I am feeling a little better more often but am beginning to move toward panic mode every now and again as the legal wheels move like stone grinders pushed by me and me alone. I can see a little bit of me now and again. Someone familiar at least. But remain scared. Scared of so many things. Of growing old alone and unloved. Not being able to love again. Missing the PPath???!!! What is that. I am so afraid that I think I would go back to that life because it is what I knew. I know nothing now. I am trying to look a day ahead (such great advice) and no farther because if I do it looks like nothing is out there. Love to all of you out there. I read everything. I do. I hope we all heal and I love your spirit and yes even the glimpses of humor. Lillian
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OxDrover says:
Dear Lillian,
GLAD YOU POSTED!!! I’m so sorry that things are moving so slowly for you and that you are still in such pain and anxiety! ((((hugs)))) When you are in pain, time dragggggggs so slowly along and I know it feels like it will NEVER END.
I am glad you are still reading, Lillian, and hope that if you feel like it at all you will vent or whatever you need to do here. We are all here for each other and I know it has helped me just to write it out–the good and the bad—to share with others who can validate my feelings and fears.
Hang on, and take one minute at a time if you must and BE GOOD TO YOURSELF FIRST OF ALL.
I too felt FEAR of growing old “alone” after my husband died and that got me hooked up with a P—now, finally after 5 years since my husband died, I am no longer feeling needy or scared of “growing old alone, unwanted etc.” and being by myself if FINE and actually I am enjoying it, then for the first time in 4 yrs I get asked out on a date—had a lunch date Sunday and one tomorrow. Nice feeling, but not that desperate needy feeling this time. Will be slow and cautious because I got along well before him and if it turns out he isn’t a good guy, then I will get alone fine without him when I kick him to the curb. No expectations out of the relationship, just getting to know him and see what (if anyting) happens.
You will not always be in this state, Lillian. TELLYOURSELF THAT—it will get better!!!! Keep strong and take care of yourself. Glad you are back (HUgs) and my prayers.
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ANewLily says:
Lillian, welcome back. I’m sorry that I don’t remember much of your story but if you are on LF your experiences must be similar to the rest of us. ALL very similar, just different people who live in different places.
I feel inclined to try to give you some hope about your future. But, since I’ve already been in your current place, I echo the advice of others not to think too far into the future YET.
I just remember when I was in your current place a few years ago, I couldn’t even imagine a future of any kind. I think it was because I was struggling with the current battles of survival and healing.
But, about a year ago, it happened all of a sudden one day. Two things happened. 1) I got back memories of the good times in my life (mostly pre-EX but also some during the ordeal) and 2) I got back the idea that a “future” was possible. (Hard to describe)
At present, the future I began to envision has grown somewhat dim even as I have rediscovered “me” again. because I, too, am having financial challenges that seem almost unmanageable all by myself.
There was a twinkle of light as I decided to ask someone to help me make decisions that I didn’t have the knowledge to make myself. The loan officer came to my house yesterday and gave me hope that she could guide me to the right decisions to save what assets I had left.
Aha, the “future” seems attainable again.
Hang in there, Lillian (that’s my middle name!)
Blessings and encouragement to you with genuine caring,
Lily
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geminigirl says:
Welcom eHome, NewLily! Im so glad that your sisters funeral went off well, and that there werent too many family dramas. You sound so much better, and more confident!! Im so happy for you! You should get the package v. soon. Hope you like it!
Love and {{{HUGS!} geminigirl
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ANewLily says:
Oh, Gemini, Thank you for the welcoming! There was one long-standing family drama that was settled!
I am so glad I felt good enough to go — and my nephews and niece treated me VERY well. Evan Sister #2 was very pleasant.
BUT, I may sound more confident — and I am — but I came home to another weekend of new health issues. Terrible pain in my side but I have a couple of gastro procedures on Sept 10th so a mystery will be solved, I hope.
Then, on Monday — was that just yesterday?? — my mail was delivered to my door and the gorgeous pictures and the packet came! Thank you. However, the past two days have been filled with troublesome financial issues that needed attention so I have had no time – nor energy — to write an email to you. I will soon, though.
Have you figured out why you can receive my email but I can’t receive yours? Is it on your end or mine, i wonder.
On my way to bed already. Am exhausted!
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OxDrover says:
The Conference with the Reverend about the egg donor was last night from 6:30 to almost 10:00 p.m. and went fairly well. The Rev and the Mrs. have an adopted son who is a full fledged psychopath (in and out of prison) so they have some idea of the problems with this type of offspring. He has 3 kids which they have raised for various periods of time–several years– (but are now living with their mothers)
I left a stack of the P-son’s letters with the Rev to read over and see what is going on. I know it is difficult for anyone who hasn’t literally had some one out to kill them to realize the seriousness of this kind of situation. Son D and a childhood friend who also knows the Rev went with me (Son C just couldn’t do it–too emotionally charged an issue for him right now.) It was one of those instances where my “story” sounded less “believeable” than the I HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS AND THEY ARE OUT TO GET ME story. LOL
It may be a couple of weeks before the Rev said he would find time to read through all the stuff I left and digerst it and decide how he wants to proceed—which kind of sounds like he doesn’t put a great deal of “emergency” feeling into any of this or think it is “serious” enough to take rapid action. While this is not UNEXPECTED thinking/behavior, it does reinforce that most people really do NOT get it at all. It is a struggle for him to believe such things happen.
Well, you guys have a good day, I’m off the computer to go on my outing today with my “date” to a state park and sight see.
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learnthelesson says:
Oxy – Im glad you have the conference over and behind you…to your benefit the fact they have a P son, may really turn out to be in your favor. Between the two of them (The Rev and Mrs.) – hopefully they will “get” the seriousness of it all and take immediate action!!!!!!
Have a great and funtastic day! ENJOY!!! Try NOT to smile TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!
))))))))))))
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shabbychic says:
Oxy, I’m glad you had the conference, like LTL said, since they have a P son they must “get it”… read, digest, ponder… hopefully he will see the urgency once he reads the letters and TAKE ACTION!!
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ANewLily says:
Dear OxDrover, How glad I am that the conference has taken place. That must give you some relief at least that’s it’s over.
As for the result of “non-emergency reaction” from the pastor, I feel enormous empathy for you. Of course, it will take time for him and wife to digest it but “a couple of weeks?!”
From personal experience, I hope you incorporate the WAITING for action by another person (who doesn’t “get” it) into your real life much better than I did.
But then, there is a life lesson in that, too, isn’t there?! #1 – we do not have any power over others’ choices or senses of urgency.
I’m thinking of two incidences from the first two years “out” when I waited for two different people to act on what they said they would. One of them had dire consequences for my adult children by their inaction and reneging on their promise to act on their behalf.
I fight bitterness about both incidences but all it is doing is hurting me! The opportunities are GONE and the consequences are now irreversible!
Oh, well, I’m still alive — and so are you and sons.
Eager to hear about your hiking date today!!
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OxDrover says:
Guys, thanks, and Thanks Lily, yep the waiting is the worst part usually, but in this instance, I am really NOT expecting much in the way of results. If he does decide to go him and the Mrs. to the egg donor by themselves, it will totally RUIN any chance of her being CONFRONTED with witnesses there (son D and Me and my friend) who KNOW THE TRUTH and she will “wiggle out of it” and convince the Rev and mrs that she is the abused one.
So LOW expectations on that score is what I feel and think, so if it does turn out not to do any good, I have NOT LOST anything but a bit of time, but BOY O BOY, will the egg donor be pithed, and I mean PITHED OFF! that I outed her to the Rev and the mrs.
Anyway, the hiking date was fine, we went to the state park, went to the lodge and ate brunch with a beautiful view and then walked around some on the various high points, then came back to town. I came home and he went to run an errand, but then he will be out here later this afternoon. Had an enjoyable time though so was nice.
Guerss we will just kick around here at the house and on the farm. I can take him for a tour of the back part of the farm. Also son D has not met him yet though, son C met him Sunday after our lunch date.
Will see how it all turns out, I actually feel “odd” going on a date after so long! LOL you guys have a great day!
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justabouthealed says:
Muldoon……..how are you doing??????????????
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skylar says:
Matt, since you are a criminal lawyer, I thought you might have some thoughts on this story:
My P decided to up the gas-lighting while simultaneously removing me from our business as owner last January. He placed a GPS tracking device on his truck and told me he had found it. He said he suspected homeland security is following him because he flies a helicopter without a license. I told him to remove the device and disconnect it because it was probably a joke being played by my BIL, the cop (who is an S and I believe also a Trojan Horse). Lots of whispering and paranoid behavior followed for 2 months. In March he brought home a warrant and a business card from a Homeland security agent. The warrant was dated Feb 3 and indicated that the tracking device was to be placed on his helicopter from Feb 3rd to March 15. The card had all the phone numbers scratched off except the cell phone number and the words “call me” were scrawled on it.
Looking at the warrant, the numbers on it begin with GJ indicating Grand Jury so that the record is sealed and no info can be gathered about it. It is a real warrant signed by a real judge, but obviously doctored with the P’s helicopter information and name. I told the P that since we found (and I took pictures of) the tracking device on January 26th, and it was placed on the truck rather than the helicopter that the warrant is illegal. At this point I still thought my evil BIL was behind it all.
The P went through all kinds of drama and then announced that the agent had threatened him if he didn’t give it back. So he supposedly gave it back after they surrounded him with drawn weapons.
I know that the P likes to hang around cops and gets great pleasure in manipulating them into doing evil deeds by invoking their misogynist mentality. So, likely/possibly the HLS agent is involved, but I can’t see the judge being party to all this. I tried emailing the judge, but a US marshall emailed me back with a phone number to call. At that point I called it and left a message with my number. It has been almost 2 months and he did not reply. I have copies and pics of the device as well as the warrant. Whom do you think I should contact next? BTW, I traced the HLS agent’s cell phone number to a “Dan” no last name. Dan Gleckman is the name of the agent and there is a real agent Dan Gleckman living near here.
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