After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 7-Letting Go
PDF Letting go is the point at which our recovery turns around from darkness to light. In previous articles, we have discussed all the stages of magical thinking, how we progressively become more and more willing to accept reality.
In a trauma or extended trauma, like a relationship with a sociopath, there is a lot of difficult reality to accept. Here is a recap of our healing stages or strategies:
• Denial – the most “unreal” stage, where we say it is not important, where we are at war with our own feelings
• Bargaining – we admit it hurts, but we still think it is in our power to change it
• Anger – we blame the external cause, we recover our feelings of personal power over our lives, but we continue to maintain the idea that there is something we or anyone else can do about it.
This article is about letting go, the stage where we face our losses and come to terms with our powerlessness to change them.
The light in the darkness
If the last paragraph sounded like a line from an Alcoholics Anonymous book, there is a reason. This transition from anger to acceptance is the key to the AA approach. Facing up to reality that is both the hardest thing we ever do, but also the only possible path to real healing and recovery of ourselves and our lives.
Anger – whether old embedded anger or a fresh reaction –is an expression of the “me” side of the brain. It spurs us to take action for ourselves. Embedded anger is the underlying cause of addictions – because we are “taking care of ourselves” against the forces that threaten our survival at some level. That level may be, and often is, our right to be whole human beings entitled to all our feelings and potential.
Embedded anger is usually about situations in which we feel we cannot act. If we act, we lose something even bigger. A good example of this is childhood abuse, where we “agree” to act, think or feel in certain ways in order to survive. Adult situations may include work or personal relationships where we have something at risk – like our jobs, our children’s welfare, our lifestyle.
Compromising our integrity, a word that means “wholeness,” never comes cheap. Each compromise warps us and evolves into greater complexity over time. These compromises have the full range of negative emotions attached to them – fear, anger and grief. Every one of them sets up a pattern of feelings, a “state,” that recurs in circumstances that remind us of the original situation or just exist perpetually.
These states are linked to our addictive behaviors. What we do to make ourselves feel better. We find our “drug of choice,” whether it is a chemical solution or something more socially acceptable like work or shopping to anesthetize or distract us. Beyond that, we imagine bigger solutions. The love affair that will heal us. The financial score that will relieve our stresses. The answers we might find through some self-development or spiritual pursuit. The “perfect” anything that will magically change our world.
However, unless the solution resolves that loss, eliminating it as a source of recurring states, nothing is really a permanent fix. The states keep returning. We keep searching and buying into “apparent fixes” with hungers that in retrospective seem overly risky or out of control.
The solution here, the solution to all of this complex structure of pain and faulty solutions, is in the cause. The loss. It is through the loss that we emerge on the other side of it as renewed and somehow more than we were before. The loss, in a way that we never anticipate while we are avoiding the pain, turns out to be a gift.
Resisting loss
Sociopaths offer us perfect solutions. In their cleverness at reflecting back our most powerful dreams, they “make real” our best ideas about what will fix us. For the magical moments of their efforts to recruit us, they give us a taste of what we imagine perfection to be. And so, we are relieved of the anxiety, loneliness, resentments and fears that come from our earlier compromises with our personal monsters.
It all feels so natural, so right, because none of us want to feel like we’ve lost anything. In fact, the sociopathic seduction actually reverses our progress in handling earlier traumas. Most of us are at least up to bargaining as a life strategy, and some of us have access to anger in certain circumstances. At minimum, we feel it in relationship to other people’s traumas, especially the ones that remind us of our own.
But in these relationships, we return to denying any of it was important. We lose every reason to remember, to hold onto the lessons we learned. We are free, beautiful, trusting, fully connected, with nothing standing between us and this dream. (And whatever hints or warnings that this is not what it seems get pushed away, because this is our own best idea and it seems worth anything.)
When they start depriving us of this perfect fix, we are in agony. We think it is about them, but it tends to be more than that. All the old states, every reason we wanted that fix is back and it is louder. We start going through all the stages again on all kinds of levels of our lives – denial, bargaining anger — everything that was ever related to these losses. And worse, we are in battle with the addiction, which has experienced relief and wants more.
All of this is about not wanting to feel our losses. Not wanting to lose. Wanting to be whole. We are back in the grief cycle with a vengeance. And all of it is about “no.” No this is not happening to me. No I don’t deserve this. No these are not the rules I agreed to. This is bad. I hate it. It is not part of who I am or my world. I refuse.
Graduating from anger
Anger is that roar. That animal cry that really combines the resistance and grief below it. At some point, we recognize the grief below the anger. It comes when we see that no matter how ready we are to act, no matter how well and appropriately we have responded to the alert messages of our survival system, the deed is done. It is over. There is nothing we can do about it.
In anger, we link the pain to the external cause. The sociopath did this to me. In grief, we link the pain to our own loss. It does not matter what caused it. We can blame forever, make ourselves the victims in ways that relieve us from fault, but we ultimately cannot get away from the fact that a change has occurred. And the change is in us.
Even talking about loss is hard. Ironically, we talk about it more easily when we are in denial or bargaining. I don’t want to feel like I’ve lost my ability to trust. I don’t want to feel like the world isn’t safe. I don’t want to loss the idea that I can manage my own life. I don’t want to feel like no one will ever love me again, or that I will never love anyone else. I don’t want to admit that that the money I lost represents months or years of my life. I don’t want to know that my children or my friends or family have faced losses because of my behavior.
In anger we reject all of it. We use our recovered sense of personal power to try to penetrate these losses, to turn them around. In this, we gain important insight about what happened. But that eventually puts us in touch with the great roaring grief. Our real feelings. The renewed sense of personal power is important. We need to recover our sense that we can do something about our lives. It makes us ready to learn.
The great pivot of healing
Everything that leads up to grief is getting us ready for it. To be real about our losses and how we feel about them. To face the fact that something has changed. To allow ourselves to be human again, not the childish superheroes of our attempts to magically make the changes go away.
Finally this is us being vulnerable with ourselves. Being honest. Giving up our internal defenses and our attempts to medicate our pain. This is a war that we have lost. And also won, because in grief, we are real.
For all the work we put into avoiding our grief, it is a great irony to discover that it is about being kind to ourselves. What keep us from grief are the internalized voices of harsh parents or other authorities that denied us the right to our own feelings, dreams, ideas. We accommodated their demands up to this point, but now we are taking our power back. We are in our own reality. We are finally ready to respond to our losses and to support ourselves through it. We become our own “good parents.”
How do we feel and act in grief? Everyone has their own processes, but here are some of mine:
• Tears over how the reality is different from what I wanted it to be
• Loving feelings toward what I lost or what I really wanted
• Tenderness or understanding toward myself for feeling this way
• Allowing myself to feel the loss until I am truly finished with grieving it
I am comforting myself in a way that a “perfect” parent would have treated me when I was hurt and in pain. I am reinforcing the integrity of my psyche by not denying how I really feel, and giving myself the entitlement to go through whatever I have to go through to finish the loss and move on.
How we let go
Grief is about letting go. We don’t learn that until we surrender to the reality and to our grief. At the beginning, we are afraid of the feelings, afraid of how they will feel. This surrender is always an act of courage, though it becomes easier after we have done this a few times. We do it because is the only course left to us, but many of us avoid it, staying in anger or earlier stages, because we are so afraid of these feelings.
But allowing ourselves to feel them serves many purposes. The most important purpose grief serves is to separate us from the cause of our grief. The loss.
The more we grieve, the more we realize that what we are grieving is not us. What grieves is us. The feelings are us. But the loss is not. It is something we wanted or loved. Something that we may have imagined was part of us, and the loss made us feel like less than we were. But as we grieve, it becomes more and more clear that a difference exists.
The length of time we grieve is exactly equivalent to how long it takes us to realize this. Our grief may be multi-layered in that sense. One of my greatest anguishes after my relationship with the sociopath was the knowledge that he did not love me, combined with all the reasons he gave for not loving me. Most of them were about my age and how I looked.
Grief at his not loving me was mixed up with grief about the years I lost. I met him in blooming middle age when my hormones were wild, I was vibrantly attractive, and I was at the peak of my career. My grief over him not loving me evolved to grief over the losses of age. My appearance was changing. Without being able to provide a child, my relationship with a man was never going to include the protective elements that I valued so much. My likelihood of having the type of relationship that had made me happiest –trophy wife of an older man – was vanishing. That part of my life was over.
This is personal to me, my reality. Whether it is the truth about me in anyone else’s view is not the point. It was a massive piece of how I navigated the world. It incorporated a great internal complex of “rules,” of expectations about how the world would treat me, and of accommodations I’d made to early compromises of my life. Letting it go was terrifying to me, because I had nothing to replace it.
But in grieving his not loving me, and then all the linked losses associated with it, I found them firming up in my mind. From murky anxieties and resistances and resentments, the real nature of my fear and losses coalesced. I could “look at them” and see them as something I wanted and treasured perhaps, but there was another me that was looking at them. A more central me that was measuring if I was going to die of it or if I had other resources, and that eventually decided that was then and this is now. So now what?
It didn’t happen overnight. But it got a lot healthier and a lot more direct, as a process, once I let myself cry over the loss of his love. Or the loss of belief in the honesty of his love. Or the loss of belief in him as someone I could trust or even understand. Every time I started somewhere, grieving something, letting myself feel the loss, I got to a letting go.
It didn’t matter who caused it, because it didn’t change what I was dealing with. This was between me and me, and my need to be whole, to be real with myself.
Getting stuck in grief
Sometimes we feel like we have more losses than we can deal with, and we become muddled in despair. This is obviously a time when an anti-depressant may help us manage an overload of sadness, so that we can process our way through it. But here are some other suggestions for dealing with grief that we feel is not progressing.
The single best technique I found to process grief is to follow my feelings. Often when we focus on an event that gives us strong feelings, we are not really clear about what aspect is triggering them. If we turn our attention to our feelings, essentially asking them what they are about, we can often get a clearer idea. Like I thought I was grieving him not loving me, when I really was grieving a loss of what made me lovable to men. Paying attention to my feelings helped surface those insights. (I should probably add here that in rebuilding, I found a lot of less transient things that make me lovable.)
Another technique is to listen to our own resistance to the loss. Grief that goes on and on is usually about a battle within ourselves. We refuse to let the loss go, because we have some internal rule about its necessity. Again in my own case, I was afraid of becoming hard or bitter. To be attractive or lovable, I had a rule to be cheerful, no matter what. I looked at that loss, and saw it was something I learned, not something I really believed. Letting go of that rule was one of the best things I ever did for myself.
A third technique that I used with particularly sticky losses was arguing with God. It took me a while to see that I was doing this. I kept getting stuck in anger and feeling like a victim, because I felt that I’d done my part. Even if I couldn’t trust the sociopath, my parents, or anyone else, surely there had to be some rules I could depend on. Surely God had not put me here to just be a straight man for other people’s pathologies. For me, conversations with God set me back on the right path, because God’s response was always, “What are you going to do with this? That is what interests me.”
What we learn
Grief teaches us something that literally changes our world. That is the difference between what is transient and what is not. What is us and what are simply changing circumstances.
Something inside of us endures no matter what we lose. This central self is whole and invulnerable, no matter what happens to us. A great deal of what we imagine to be our true identities are things that we learned, often through threat to our survival or rules about what it takes to be accepted or loved. We identify ourselves in triumphs or failures, appearances or things that reflect these learned rules of existence.
Grieving clarifies that we belong to ourselves. All those other learned rules may have some reason for being, some use to us. But in grief, we gain new perspectives, seeing them as more or less functional guidelines and not who we are. We are what is grieving, surviving, identifying our feelings and what triggers them. By coming home to our own reality, we become comfortable and confident in a world of many realities.
We become more authentic. We are more in our skin, seeing through our own eyes. We are also freer to build lives that reflect who we are, rather than what we are afraid of.
In the next article, we will discuss rebuilding. In the meantime, for those who are making this transition from anger into grief, I reassure you that you truly deserve kindness. You have been kind to so many other people. It is time to give it to you.
Namaste. The brave and tender spirit in me salutes the brave and tender spirit in you.
Kathy
written by Kathleen Hawk • Permalink •
kindheart48 says:
sorry reading above post we think Captor is Saviour. don’t want to cause any of us any more confusion . hah kindheart
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Jim in Indiana USA says:
Welcome, Skippy, after your “formal” introduction. We’re all on the same road here…
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OxDrover says:
Dear Skippy,
I second Jim’s welcome, glad you are here, and I too benefitted from the rapid eye movement therapy after I suffered PTSD after the accidental and sudden death of my husband 4 1/2 years ago, then the later “attacks of the Ps” solidified it (READ: kicked me while I was down and out). I too highly recommend the therapy for PTSD as I think it did more for me than any of the other therapy I received.
Glad you are here and hope that you stay around and continue to profit from this wonderful place.
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Skippy says:
Thank you, Jim and OxDrover.
Yes, I, too got kicked while I was at the lowest ebb possible. With all the healing I’ve done and the more I hope to do, I don’t know that I will ever get over the amazement that someone (especially someone who pretended to be a friend) was actually capable of doing that. I’m sorry that happened to you, OxDrover. But like many here, I do think that this horrible experience gave me the kick in the pants I needed to start healing on a very deep level; something I’d only approached with half measures before.
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OxDrover says:
Yep, Skippy, that seems to be the way it goes with many of us, we have needed healing from a deeper level all our lives (or we wouldn’t have put up with this chit in the first place) and hopefully now that we are getting over the worst of the acute grief of the P-attack, we can get on down to that OTHER LEVEL where we needed to be healed in the first place or we wouldn’t have been such “suckers” for the Ps in the first place.
Even with “serial” Ps in my life, I never got past the stage of healing the acute grief before “moving on” and not digging deeper for what MY problem was, now I think I am getting there, but it is a long and difficult road, but fortunately I think I’ve reached a place that the worst of the pot holes and ruts are a bit smoother now than when I first got on this road. That first “step” is a doozie, so you gotta get through that part before you can do the REAL deep fixing that I know I need.
Glad you are here. Each of us adds a new take on things and it helps to have different opinions, ideas and each other to validate our journey! Welcome!!!
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swehrli says:
Meg: I too wanted to die. The betrayal, the nasty things that were said to me once he was found out (living with another woman in another state, while “waiting for me”). NC is the way to go. I thought that I just wanted to hear his voice, see if things would be “different” somehow, but in the end I always wound up hurt.
Everyone on this thread has had some great things to say. It all has helped me tremendously. I hope you find comfort in these words as well.
Take care of yourself.
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Stargazer says:
Oxy,
His message is very clear that it’s not what you have been through or the outward circumstances of your life that give you meaning. It’s how you interpret those circumstances and what you choose to make of them. He survived several years in a concentration camp, so it’s hard to take his words lightly.
I just dropped in to thank you for recommending the Victor Frankl book “Man’s Search for Meaning”. I just checked it out from the library and cannot put it down. I also just got “Betrayal Bonds” from the library and look forward to reading it. The Frankl book is affecting me on a very deep level and I’ve been feeling the urge to “tell my story” lately, not so much as a collection of events but what I learned from those events and how they made me the person I am today. But maybe another time in another post.
I’m sitting here with my beautiful male 5′ Guyanan redtail boa constrictor draped around my shoulders dropping in to say hello. This boa is very nervous when first taken from his tank. He has bitten me a few times in the past out of nervousness. But after I hold him for about 10 minutes, he calms right down and loves to cuddle. We even cuddle up and watch movies together with his little head resting on my chest peeking out underneath the blanket. It’s now been about a years since I’ve been bitten. Yes it’s true–snakes can be cuddly. He is one of the “littlest loves of my life”, as I call my animals. Cuddling them and spending time with them makes me so happy.
My mortgage company gave me a 6-month forbearance period on my mortgage starting in May. During that time I will decide if I want to do a short sale or ask them again to restructure the loan. It’s been stressful. I’ve never NOT paid my bills on time in my life, so it’s not easy to do this especially when I still barely have the ability to pay. I will be banking the money and maybe trying to move in October to a place that is actually worth what I am paying for it.
No new sociopaths in my life, thankfully. My horoscope says this weekend is good for love and romance. So far there are no love interests on the horizon. I did have a long conversation with the guy from Citimortgage yesterday.
He was flirting with me and even talking about coming out to Denver from Maryland for a visit. I’m trying to stay open and not close any doors. But I just don’t feel like I’m 100% ready for dating. I still have a lot of issues to sort out. It’s coming up on the year anniversary since I met my S’Path. I saw his user name on another reptile site in the member list today and froze. Then I realized it was someone else using that name. Totally different profile. Unless he’s pretending to be a totally different person. Who knows?
Love to all, and a special thanks to Oxy,
StarG
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Stargazer says:
Akitameg,
What you are experiencing (as I’m sure you know) is a trauma bond. It is a form of an addiction where you feel you will die without this relationship. Like everyone here is saying, he is very bad for you, no matter how he is acting. A genuinely loving person would be torn up by what you are going through and would never put you through it. I have been where you are at and I don’t know what words could have comforted me at the time. Your life has value, even if you don’t feel it. It just does. Many others (and many on this site) have been where you are at and have broken the addiction. You can, too. If you know in your mind that he is bad for you, you have to use the power of your mind not to give in the the compulsion. The emotions will eventually catch up with your mind. It takes time. You are breaking an addiction and this is a form of withdrawal. You know that phrase, “what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger?” Meg, don’t let this kill you. Cry, hit pillows, scream, write about your feelings on here. Do what you need to do but PLEASE don’t go back to the bad man. You deserve so much better than that! Please don’t give up on yourself.
You were in my thoughts last night when I was reading the Victor Frankl book, “Man’s Search for Meaning”. There were a few key phrases I wanted to post just for you. I may have to go back and find them.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Star,
That book was such a powerful one for me! He was so right on, and such a caring man inspite of how he suffered. Finding meaning in such suffering is difficult. His outlook made me realize that each of us has had ULTIMATE PAIN, just as he had ultimate pain, and that pain acts like a “gas” in that when it is put into a “container” it expands to fill the container entirely. What a wonderful analogy. Even a little bit of “gas” expands and fills the entire container, just as even a “little” paiin fills our beings ENTIRELY. He was such a wise and understanding man. After he got outl, he devoted his life to understanding and helping others who were also suffering.
When I think of him, I think like the old saying “I cried because I had no shoes, until I saw a man who had NO FEET.” Sure, my suffering and torture didn’t approach the level of his, but MY PAIN ABOUT IT DID. I don’t have to feel ASHAMED because I FELT that my pain was “as bad”–BECAUSE IT WAS AS BAD. Before his book, I actually felt ashamed to hurt so bad, “how could I hurt so badly when others have lost and suffered more?” Well, he VALIDATED for me that our pain is unique to ourselves, and we have a RIGHT to feel that pain. To feel our suffering and NOT be ashamed for it.
How profound is that? PROFOUND!!!!
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learnthelesson says:
Dearest Akitameg,
I feel I must speak to you from my heart, as my best friend did to me. Words that came from her heart and ones that reached mine and enabled me to make my own decision.
Each and every one of us has to do what is right for us with regard to our relationships in the moments of our lives. We may turn to others for advice, but at the end of the day we must do what is right for us. There was I time when I was as close to where you are as I had ever been. My girlfriend allowed me to listen to myself, and at the time I was in an unhealthy way, I was lost, I was low. She told me to follow my heart but to do so with the AWARENESS that I was potentially going to hurt more afterward. I didnt want him back, but I wanted to talk to him.
I AGREE WITH EVERYONE HERE…WITH WHAT THEY ARE SAYING…AND WHAT THE RIGHT THING, HEALTHIEST THING IS TO DO…BUT MEG, IF YOU NEED MORE TIME TO GET THERE….IF YOU JUST NEED TO DO SOME FORM OF CONTACT FOR YOUR SOUL, FOR YOUR PROGRESS, FOR YOUR BEING, AND YOU CAN DO SO KNOWING THAT IT IS PART OF YOUR HEALING JOURNEY, THAT HE IS BAD FOR YOU, THAT HE IS NOT THE ONE FOR YOU AND THAT HE IS NOT SOMEONE TO MEASURE YOUR LIFE OVER. PLEASE DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET YOU PAST THIS WHATEVER IS RIGHT FOR YOU.
If there are words in your heart, in your soul you wish to say to him or express to him with regard to the relationship…not questions that require answers…but words of acknowledgement that its over and you are trying to get strong each and every day and are experiencing set backs… or whatever it is…please know we have all been there AND DONE IT…we have made contact, had setbacks, reached the lowest of lows until it was right for us to realize and accept and see and admit we were on the wrong path with the wrong partner.
I guess all I am trying to say is we all get there at our pace. Some of us made contact over and over until the realization and pain was more than the actual effort of contemplating the contact… It became secondary to our desire to move on.
Akitameg, I dont think I will find much support with the advice I just gave…but I believe it helped me create a path that was unique for me. We are all different beings, different souls, different journies – same common link of assoicating with someone who wasnt healthy for us in our lives, someone who brought us down IN THE RELATIONSHIP, someone we couldnt grow with no matter what. I chose to write him. And I did so with the absolute awareness that I was writing for myself and my healing I was not writing for reconciliation or any hope of getting back together. I just needed to say things and feel I was heard. But for all I know he never opened the letter.
I did what was right for me. Not living was not an option for me. I just wanted to live knowing i respected myself enough to listen to my limitations. I needed to write him in order to leave him. I didnt ask why questions > or what happened questions- I just spoke my peace, to help me find my peace.
Not wanting to live or go on is something more than him bigger than your relationship with him Akitameg – it is a depression – it is something that affects us in ways that get ahead of us. He cannot make it better. But if it will make you feel better to get through something you otherwise feel you have lost control of – being grounded again – then do whatever it takes to get you through this. If it ultimately is a minor setback, we all are here for you, we will always be here for you. You are never going to go through this alone. Please dont give up on the journey we are all taking together…in different places… in different ways…but with the same goal…to find ourselves again and be the ones who make the choice to have self-respect, self-trust, self-value, self-worth.
WE ARE HERE FOR YOU- UNCONDITIONALLY – THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD EVER DO WRONG – EXCEPT TO NOT TAKE CARE OF AKITAMEG. XOXO
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jelltogether says:
Stargazer,
Can you expound on the trauma addiction? That point really hit me. I have always felt that this thing with my S’path became an addiction of my own. It is hard to describe to other people because they don’t understand how you can be really addicted to a person.
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Stargazer says:
Jelltogether,
I found this term in the book Betrayal Bonds, which I am just starting to read along with the Frankl book. Basically, we can become addicted to people who have traumatized us, who are bad for us, try to please people who have betrayed us. There are so many examples in the book. We can even get to the point where we feel we cannot live without that person even though he/she hurts and abuses us. When I read more, I will share, especially the way out, which is discussed at the end. I would refer you to the book to learn more. I guess I was hoping to put some “parentheses” around meg’s experience to let her know that what she is going through is a documented phenomenon and that it does have a way out.
LTL, I loved your post. I gave a LF member the very same advice a few months ago. I actually felt she really did need to contact her S in order to have closure and told her that. She ended up writing him a letter and having a phone conversation with him. Naturally, he played his ridiculous games with her on the phone, but at that moment she realized what he was and was able to let go. I don’t think your advice was bad at all. It’s hard to know how to advise people in these situations.
I also had a massage client who was attracted to unavailable men. She had become hung up on this one guy who was ignoring her, playing games with her, and possibly was married. She knew she needed to stay away from him. But for a YEAR she obsessed over him. No guy she dated matched up to her fantasy of him. I actually advised her to contact him again and bring him back into her life, but cautiously. She did. When he started playing his games again, she finally “got it” and was able to let go.
You are right. Sometimes, we need that one last time. I’m so afraid that Meg, in her despairing state, will let him back into her life to hurt her again. I hope that does not ever happen.
Oxy, that book is having a similarly profound effect on me. I will write more about it when I am done reading it. I’m about half way through. I really do believe that it is up to us to define what gives our lives meaning. If not for defining this and redefining this for myself all the time, I would have committed suicide a long time ago. After all, I’m middle-aged, unlikely to ever marry, poor as a church mouse, with no family, and near foreclosure, underemployed, and just a little to weird to have many close friends. But I keep finding things that my life is about, even if it is just about inspiring others to overcome adversity. I have made something from nothing again and again. I am very proud of my resourcefulness. And I often question my thoughts and attitudes. If I see an attitude I like better than my current one, I will adopt it. I’m proud of myself, my life, and my suffering. And I intend to help others with their suffering, too.
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learnthelesson says:
Stargazer said
“I really do believe that it is up to us to define what gives our lives meaning. If not for defining this and redefining this for myself all the time, I would have committed suicide a long time ago. After all, I’m middle-aged, unlikely to ever marry, poor as a church mouse, with no family, and near foreclosure, underemployed, and just a little to weird to have many close friends. But I keep finding things that my life is about, even if it is just about inspiring others to overcome adversity. I have made something from nothing again and again. I am very proud of my resourcefulness. And I often question my thoughts and attitudes. If I see an attitude I like better than my current one, I will adopt it. I’m proud of myself, my life, and my suffering. And I intend to help others with their suffering, too.”
You are going and growing leaps and bounds… I want to keep up with your pace…its contagious!!
Thanks. I really enjoy your posts Stargazer…one thing…you arent weird… you are UNIQUE! As you wrote about your snake around your neck, and cuddling with your lil baby…I thought wow! if I ever do get to Colorado for a cup of tea with Stargazer I just might actually let her put her snake next to me if the tea is spiked!!!!!
) A fear Id love to overcome!!!
As for where I am in life in general….the greatest lesson thus far for me….if I am unable to be strong and confident and weird (oops Unique) and self- everything from a to z ON MY OWN/BY MYSELF- then I will never be able to be any of the above with any partner. It is up to me to create the life I want for myself and trust the rest WILL fall into place because Im finally doing what I should be doing – focusing on myself my well being my happiness and helping others too.
Thanks for sharing your journey Stargazer.
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Stargazer says:
LTL,
One thing you won’t find in my house is spiders. I’m terrified of those. ha ha.
I really do hope you will come visit one day.
Yes, I am definitely unique. Just like everybody else. LOL But don’t sanctify me just yet. I’m still struggling with some very deep wounds that haunt me and come out in my daily life struggles, like with the situation of the loan to my friend that has not been repaid. But I have gotten so much good advice here and different ways of looking at these situations. I hope everyone here knows how much they have helped me.
I really like the idea of telling our story–who we are, what we have been through, but more important, what we have LEARNED from what we went through. I am formulating my story in my head as I lay down to sleep on nights after I’ve been reading Victor Frankl. How many of us have been knocked down over and over, maybe even since the day we were born. And yet, we’re still standing. To me, that has meaning.
LTL: you sound to be on such a good and healthy path. I’m glad to hear you are focusing on your own happiness and well being. I couldn’t agree more about standing on your own two feet. I learned to be self-sufficient from a very early age, but never let go of that secret desire for someone to take care of me and reparent me. I’m finally doing that myself, too. So I hear you loud and clear.
Oh, and trust me, I’m about as weird as they get.
I say “Wakey wakey, little snakey” to greet my snakes every day. What’s so weird about that? They don’t even have ears!
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jelltogether says:
Stargazer,
Thanks so much for sharing that term and the meaning. I think that exactly describes how I have been. I was in the midst of trauma when I met my S and was a victim of child molestation. What a perfect storm for him to come into my life. The part about “wanting to please the person who has betrayed us” is so dead on. I will pick up the book and thanks again for clarifying!!
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Stargazer says:
You’re welcome. I’ll have more well-formed thoughts after I actually read the whole book. I know I have some of that as well with some of my former abusive family members.
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swehrli says:
Star: I have to get that book. That’s me when you say: we can become addicted to people who have traumatized us, who are bad for us, try to please people who have betrayed us…I haven’t had contact since February and it truly was an awful thing. Since then he has harrassed and threatened me by phone until I put a block on my number. I have written a letter much like what LTL speaks about. Just stating what I need to and not re-hashing stuff. I cannot mail it until the investigation at my job is completed though. I really want to mail it right now, but I have learned patience throughout this ordeal. I also think that what you said to Meg was right on. We each have to do it our own way.
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LOSTinAZ says:
Akitameg… Did you feel all of us praying for you? Truly this IS a GOOD world, your just not seeing & feeling it yet. PS. I don’t think there is “Vortex” in Sedona, I think its BS. (It could be at the Casino, I didn’t go there though) Happy Easter to ALL. Got to go to my new workplace now.
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Jim in Indiana USA says:
I ordered Betrayal Bonds this morning. First for me, then to pass on to a friend.
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At Last says:
LOSTinAZ
Every morning I read all the posts since my last visit and say a prayer. I thank God for the posters, the messages they have shared and for me.
Through all of you, I am learning about me. I am so blessed to have found this sight 1 1/2 years ago. NC for that whole time has allowed me to start the healing.
My greatest fear was in posting. I feared once I opened up there would be no end and that I would not be able to stop. Looking forward to telling my story, so that it may help others.
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kindheart48 says:
hey guys, got the book and have been reading it but to be honest i know it’s going to come from time and no contact. It’s easter weekend here in Canada and always reminded of how i don’t really have much of a family. I have my one son with me but my Dad and my brother probably wouldn’t want to come even if i offered to make a nice dinner. I’v e got so much going for me but wasted so much on the s and his daughter over the last 6 years i sit here alone again, my own doing as i never stayed away long enough. Im damaged but nothing i can do but wait it out until im ready to find someone that interests me, as nobody seems to do the trick. The illusion is so wonderful that nothing compares and now im aware of why all the men who have been interested in me do nothing for me. How can they compare with my fantasy. Then to boot my ex was in town briefly and took my son (25 out for coffee yesterday and driving a nice Lexus and my son said he was surprised his dad’s been hitting the gy m and looks fantastic , 10 years younger my son said. Oh well, im happy for him, he’s a good decent guy remarried with a little girl and he treated me great while we were married so i have no ill will towards him. I don’t know if it’s my ego (must be) but i know im much too good for the s but to him i was just another object and i have to let go of the rejection that he inflicted, as i know some day it will all not matter. Im concentrating on myself at the moment and going shopping next week out of town and shopping makes me feel good. Just wish i had places to wear the nice things out to but only bars here in this small city and i’ve been there and done that. Im going to try when the weather gets warmer to take day trips out of town, meet new people and try new things. Im kind of tired of the self help, programs, therapy etc. even though i know it has its place, i really think the true secret is just time and no contact. They have a saying in AA almost exactly the same, don’t drink and go to meetings which most people think is too simple to be the key but it really is. Same with the obsession with the s. no contact and time. I’ve tried it all and it was too simple for me to accept for a long time. Thought i could be friends, (just like some think they can moderate drinking) but not in this case. Hope everyone has a great weekend . love kindheart
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swehrli says:
Dear Kindheart: I, too, had longed for friendship with my ex S; but now realize that in itself is another fantasy. I don’t think these people know how to be a friend. It saddens me so much to think of the time and money I spent on this ass. Time and NC; a new mantra!
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henry says:
Kindheart it is very good to read your post, you are doing better I can tell. You are right – time and no contact – is the key. My constant obsessing about him and what he did is like my addiction to cigs, I know I need to stop because it is killing me. There are no feelings of lost love and I dont miss him at all. My health has improved over the past year along with no contact, I no longer have anxiety attacks or constant depression. I dont stay tied up in knots like I did the 3 years he was here. I have came so far in my healing and dealing with my Henry issues…..but I miss that fantasy, the illusion he gave me, the mirror, and at times I am just fricking lonely. And I dont think I have anything to offer anyone. Seems money and class are what count’s. And I dont have much of either. But I remember easter two years ago..I went to church with my son and his family and I prayed to God to help me make some sense of this and help me. This is easter number two with out him – all I can say is I am better and feel human again. I just pray that with more time and no contact I wont think of him at all..I am still learning and thankfull to be here…
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OxDrover says:
PS: That posted before I was done….
Henry, you prayed to God you said at Easter for Him to help you and to make sense of this….Henry, HE ANSWERED YOUR PRAYERS!!! Just as he answered mine! He sent us to LoveFraud to find compassionate people who do “get it” and understand how we were injured and hurt, and we are comforted and learning and growing! We are physically better and emotionally better too!
Now you get back on the “wagon” and write me a 500 word essay about what wonderful things Henry has to offer the RIGHT GOOD PERSON! Turn it in by Monday! ((((hugs)))))
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OxDrover says:
Now my first post (before the PS disappeared after it was posted) Grimlins tonight! so will try to redo it.
Dear Henry: QUOTE: “I don’t think I have anything to offer anyone” BOINK!BOINK! BOINK! and just for good measure another BIG BOINK!
What do you mean you have NOTHING TO OFFER? Do you mean “nothing” like a kind heart? or are you referring to “nothing” like as in a good, kind friend that you are? Or is it a “nothing” like fidelity and true love and compassion?
HENRY HENRY HENRY!!! (You know you are in trouble when I put your names in all caps!) You have so much to give the RIGHT person, but you just cast your PEARLS BEFORE A SWINE! The thing is, Henry, God DID answer your prayers! Just as he sent us both to LF and we are both so much better than we were a year ago when you came here. Remember what a “basket case” you were then? It is so hard now to remember how we felt in those days, but we were both basket cases, but we held each other’s hands and we got through that time!
Henry, my dear dear friend, you have so much to offer the RIGHT person, we both do….and I know I sure as heck don’t want another WRONG person! ((((hugs)))))) and I know you don’t either.
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henry says:
I love you too Ox —-
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Jim in Indiana USA says:
At Last-glad you’ve been here reading. I read for a long time, posted once, and then months later started to post again. Welcome, and tell us your story when you’re ready.
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jelltogether says:
Happy Easter everyone. I hate the holidays as I am always alone on them. I keep thinking that I will always be alone on them. Trying to shake off the depression….
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sabine says:
Akitameg (et al. – ha ha!)
Reading everyone’s posts and am amazed at the flurry of support given to Meg. I am wondering what happened Meg – did you contact him again? If not, then take it day by day.
Tell yourself that if you really really want to contact him, you’ll allow yourself to call, email or whatever. THEN, try to wait until tomorrow. Then, when tomorrow comes, tell yourself that you can contact him today if you really really need to (again) , and then try to hold off one more day….and so on.
If you don’t have that ‘brick wall’ in front of you saying that you’ll NEVER be in contact with him again – then it may be easier on you, ya know?
That’s what I do – honestly. now it seems like more of a pain in the ass or obligation to drive down to his effing clinic and tell him off! Although…maybe I will tomorrow…..
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Matt says:
sabine:
“Although…maybe I will tomorrow…..”
Thank you, Scarlett O’Hara
Seriously, I think you’re on to something — an alternative route to taking back your own power. I don’t know why, as I close in on 6 months of NC, but suddenly I have had overwhelming urges to contact S and give it to him both barrels. I haven’t acted on the impulse — I know that it is all the suppressed anger welling up — and that is healthy. I also know that the worst thing I could do is to have any encounters with that creature. And I’m also coming to realize that I’ve got far better things to do with my time than waste any more time, energy or money (the cost of a subway fare) going to see him and tell him off.
You’re right. It is a pain in the ass.
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LOSTinAZ says:
I talked to a good friend of ours last night, & he told me I need to get a restaining order on S, before he comes back here at the end of the month.
Im proud of NC for 10 days now! Each new day, I tell myself I can do it again today! I can’t beleive how miserable I truly was with him. I don’t have him convincing me on how “I don’t feel”, anymore. I’m starting to actually beleive myself again.
I don’t know why I’m scared though. I’m not sure if I’m scared of the new choices I may make or just S coming back. I’m scared that S might try to BS his way back into my life. I truly did love him. I would have done anything for him, and he knew that. But he took advantage of that. I know now that I trust too much. My bad.
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sabine says:
LOSTinAZ:
You did not love HIM; you loved what you thought he was. I recall too, saying “My bad” too in the final blog post that I wrote in which I confronted who he truly was. He actually read it, blew up at me, threatened to ‘wreck me’ etc. etc. Until that moment he was a sweet as pie. BUT, knowing how easy it was for him to come out and be so aggressive shows me that it was all just beneath the surface; the WHOLE time.
My girlfriend pointed out to me that if these threats (“I’m going to wreck your life” etc..) were the first things to come out of his mouth when he was confronted, shows that he had already made his ‘backup’ plan if he was ever confronted or ‘found out’ by me.
He may try to BS his way back into your life, but it won’t be long before his true side ‘surfaces’ again, and you’ll be quicker to spot the red flags.
But why bother doing it the hard way, when you can just keep doing the NC thing day by day?
Day 10 – congrats!
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sabine says:
Matt,
I can completely understand why you’d want to contact him and “give it to him both barrels”. Maybe if you ran into him coincidentally, you could tell him to go to hell. But if you go out of your way (like me, wanting to drive down to his clinic 45min away….), then it gives him the satisfaction of knowing that you still think about him. No matter what you say.
Sad but true.
I still tell myself almost daily though that “well maybe I’ll go down tomorrow”. But then tomorrow comes and there is always something more important to do.
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a_real_wife says:
Dear AkitaMeg,
Have you tried envisioning the S as DEAD? Grieve for him as if he WERE dead/ I had to do that to get over an X-bf-S – he simply ceased to exist. I grieved for the “lost hopes, lost love, lost dream of what could have been…”
Please if you’re still hurting this badly, go to an emergency room, if your therapist is not back from vacation yet. It’s apalling that your therapist would leave patients without a back-up person to go to. That just isn’t done…EVER!
Make yourself realize the the XS is DEAD – at least, he is DEAD to YOU. I’ve been where you are, thinking that I couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t even GO ON with my life.
BUT, as you can see, I made it through – the worst part of my situation was, I kept thinking my XS was going to marry me. When he told me on the phone that he NEVER would have married me…that clinched it…he is dead to me – I grieved, I mourned, I wanted to call him, stop by his place, keep SOME kind of contact with him, because I truly loved him, too.
Alas, some people are put on this earth, merely to test our personal resolve and, yes, even our sanity.
Go to an emergency room, if your therapist isn’t around – GO, don’t not stop anywhere else – TAKE care of YOU – you are all you’ve got!
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akitameg says:
Oh My Gosh–
everybody–
I am still here and never contacted psyco.
I have been so depressed that I have not even been to computer/LF since I last wrote– on Thursday!!!!!!
I just came to computer and I am overwhelmed by all of your love and support–
I am still in NC.
My insurance begins tomorrow. I need major appointments, but do know how I can make them– It is hard for me to do anything!!!
In NC– and mostly b/c of you beautiful people.
going back to reread al of your loving posts.
I am not well though. REally clenching my teeth at night even with a 1,000 dollar night guard and valium.
I need prayer. I love you all.
Matt– let’s start a tv series. I used to write as well as act.
I am sorry I have not been online. Getting out of bed is a chore.
A realwife–
yeah– my therpiast is fired. Never even heard back from her. shrink fired too– I can’t believe the unprofessionalism. and how much to they get paid????
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Matt says:
akitameg:
Good to hear from you.
I can relate to the barely getting out of bed. I’ve finally started to force myself to get out of bed by making early appointments and forcing myself forward by making myself apply for one new job a day online forcing myself to take care of one personal matter a day and forcing myself to get to the gym each day.
One thing I’ve learned about therapists is if it’s not working for you up front, find another. I refuse to ever spend another nickel with a therapist discussing why the therepeutic relationship isn’t working.
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OxDrover says:
Dear Meg,
That total lethargy is depression, sweetie, and believe me even WITH mega psych drugs after my encounters, I can definitely RELATE! It takes work and time. I agree that your Therapist should have left a back up plan for emergencies. NOT GOOD plan for her….ditch her and get someone else.
I know you have no energy, you are TIRED and worn out physically and mentally. Do ONE thing each day…even if that is get up and wash your face and eat. That is a start! Hang in there sweetie, we are HERE FOR YOU. lOVE AND PRAYERS AND BIG HUGS, OXY
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kindheart48 says:
Dear Meg, i can relate so much as i am worn right down myself. I though the two months in the trauma program would get me refreshed but i came out and had contact and now i’m back to anger , depression, weight loss, on alot of seroquel at night (more than i think i should be but going to discuss with shrink) and i have a lady coming to fill out forms etc. for insurance from my job and they want me to have therapy and it just never seems to end. Wish to God i hadn’t met this phanta morgana (fantasy) as it has just about done me in. I don’t know if it’s age, or what but i’ve never felt so worn down in my life. I am trying to get back to work and doing things but my mind is still obsessing alot about the s. Yes he is technically dead , as it’s only pretend guy that is prancing around. Keep thinking i need t o move but i’m not in a position right now to do such as im still on long term. The fall out from this type of encounter is really hard to accept. Don’t know what part was his and what part was mine or if all this stress was due to him or other things even though i know deep down he was the cause it’s just so hard to accept that someone can be that toxic to me. Acceptance is not an easy pill to swallow. Had to do it with the alcohol and that took years too. I went to my cousins funeral today (brain anyerusm at age 55) and they palyed the most beautiful song by Evans called “Sentimental Lady” and i cried for the loss of her family etc. and i kept thinking about the s and it’s so hard to beleive that they have no feelings and that they can’t grieve for others like i was doing today. They only grieve for themselves and even then i don’t think they really do, they just move on to make themselves feel better instantly instead of mourning losses. What a waste he was or is . Emotional day for me and makes me realize i want someone who can truly feel and have empathy for others. love kindheart
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Jim in Indiana USA says:
Well, a friend from Australia sent me a you tube video of a lady named Susan Boyle, 47 years old, who sang on Britain’s Got Talent….I can’t stop watching it. I think I’ll watch it every day! It will bring a smile and tears of joy….for those who haven’t seen her:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....&NR=1
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Matt says:
kindheart48:
“They only grieve for themselves and even then i don’t think they really do, they just move on to make themselves feel better instantly instead of mourning losses.”
I don’t think they grieve for themselves. I think they FEEL SORRY for themselves when they aren’t what they want. It’s all about supply and demand.
How did I come to that conclusion? The first time the S ran a pity play he sobbed broken heartedly about his brain dead mother who had been on life-support the last 3 years and how much he missed her. I’m a compassionate man and I not only hurt for him, I fell in love with him on the spot.
Almost a year to the day later, he ran another pity play. Once again he started sobbing about his brain dead mother on life support. This time he told me his father had told him the night before, at his brother’s wedding, that he was disconnecting life support the next week. Oh, how he cried that his father was murdering his mother.
Just one problem. This time I was onto the pity play and I realized he was trying every trick in the book to strong-arm 10 grand out of me. And as quick as he turned on the tearshe turned them off and went back to business as usual.
So, no. I don’t think they grieve about anything. If they are talking about some event that would devastate the rest of us, the only reason they are doing so is that they are working some scam or playing some angle. They just feel sorry for themselves. At best.
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Matt says:
Sorry. Meant to say “I think they FEEL SORRY for themselves when they aren’t GETTING what they want.”
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Matt says:
kindheart48:
REgarding the way you’re feeling, could be the seroquel. I tried it briefly. The side effects were horrendous. I know every doctor out there is touting the uses of seroquel besides the treatment of schizophrenia. My problem is, I don’t think they are being honest about the side effects. YOu may want to discuss this with your doctor.
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kindheart48 says:
yes Matt, they are very liberal at prescribing seroquel for almost anything anymore. I noticed that at the facility for Trauma/addiction . They were prescribing it during the day for people going to sessions to vent and i was thinking how are we suppose to deal with our issues if we keep medicating but they seem to look at seroquel as being very safe. Im on it not for anything other than maybe mood disorder and sleep but she has me on 200 which my physicatrist says is an average dose but i’m awfully tiny at prob about 110lbs and easy for her to say as one friends said. They aren’t the ones taking it. It does def help with sleep but like anything you become dependent on it and i do think i t helps somewhat with mood. She initially hoped it would help with the obsession with the s but no drug can touch that one i’m afraid. Time an d no contact. He’s been in my head for so long i can’t imagine him being a distant memory. That would be a dream come true to never ever have to have him enter my mind again. I feel like i’ve been robbed of years of my life with this loser and want to be happy again . love kh
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slimone says:
Hi Everyone ((Meg))((kindheart)),
Oh this part of the journey is tough. Doing just one small thing a day is hard, but it is really good advice. Brush your teeth, eat anything you find remotely palatable, etc…I am 19 months out and IT GETS SOOOOO MUCH BETTER. You will feel real goodness again. Gotta make the journey through the dark to find those feelings, but they do come back. I am a real believer in no contact. I did it, despite several protestations from friends (I dumped them) and some online advice. I just don’t see how to find and maintain any modicum of self-respect if we allow ourselves to be abused. And the idea that we can ‘reparent’ our abusers, and help them trust enough to create a healthy attachment in relationship to us, well……maybe with a plain ole’ ass****, but not someone character disordered, and antisocial as well.
I don’t know if this is helpful but…..
Here’s how it went for me:
….you do begin to move, bit by bit, forward: through the dark part of the forest, crawling on hands and knees, kinda starving and exhausted. You eat food like it were worms and grubs, just choking it down. You don’t know when to sleep or wake cause you’re scared senseless of the dark, and don’t know if ‘it’ is still coming after you. But you KEEP CRAWLING ALONG, GRUBBING YOUR WAY FORWARD. Maybe you visit a doctor for something to calm your nerves and help you sleep. I found a wise woman to talk to, who understood N/P/Sism, and understood the Post Traumatic experience.
When you find a stream, take a bath. When the sky is blue, just look up, notice how you feel, don’t try and change it…..just be with your experience. For me there was no point in trying to force myself to ‘feel good’ or ‘do fun stuff’, cause it just wasn’t going to happen. Could be that it can happen for others that way. But for me the way was THROUGH the darkness, and I just don’t like the dark that much to make a party of it.
Then it begins to lighten up and you get a few little open meadows, that you may or may not be interested in enjoying. For me this meant I found more moments, strung together, that felt at least neutral, if not sometimes enjoyable. Like sitting in the middle of a nice warm meadow, with nothing much to do but just sit there. Then I would have to leave the meadow and trudge back into the forest.
For me this was what therapy helped with: continuing to re-enter the forest, to see what was there that was so scarey/familiar/beckoning/destructive/and full of threat. This was also when I was able to begin grieving whatever it was the loss of his ‘promise’ brought up for me. ALL my childhood misery came to visit. I let myself feel as much of the loss and sorrow and humiliation and loneliness I could bear.
After that you might make some steep uphill climbs, where the vistas are breathtaking and scarey. Here is a good place to stop and get some perspective, if you can. What this meant for me was seeing the P from very far off, as if he were in a movie, or dead, or just so far away he couldn’t hurt me. Then I watched what he did, as an observer, not a participant. I got perspective. I didn’t have any contact, I just replayed ‘what he did’, and read lots of stuff, and learned what he was.
I am not out of the woods. I still visit. Maybe that is part of my ‘real life’ that I have wanted to avoid and am now learning to accept. That I have my dark wooded place that beckons me to explore. I will say the exploration still makes me cry, and I still feel ripped off sometimes. But I don’t feel as scared of my own journey, or of the creatures that inhabit the woods (since I am learning what to listen and look for, so as not to get eaten!).
Much healing and love to you all,
Slim one
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henry says:
Welcome Slimone – I like your story (Heres how it went for me). You described so many feelings and emotions we all have in common and at least here we know we are not alone in this nitemare. I am just over a year no contact. I dont know anything about his where abouts other than his place of work. I drove to that city several months ago and found his pick up in the parking lot. I just wanted to know if he is still around, I fight myself alot here lately to do this again – I want him to leave the state or the planet. I want to tell him how cruel he was and how I know what he is and how he exploits people and has no feeling etc. but that would only make me the crazy one. So I plod along hoping soon I will not feel this way. It is up too me to find peace with this and myself. Like you I have healed from the worst of the crap this has brought to surface. again welcome and thanks for sharing how it went for you..
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shabbychic2 says:
Slimone: Your post was very interesting and I can really relate to it. I think I am always running away from my dark places so I don’t have to look inside myself, but since I am alone now there is nobody else to think about except me, which has been one of my issues… I guess. Thank you for being here!
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LOSTinAZ says:
Hey Akita & all! I’m listening to “New Begining’s” by Tracy Chapman. And her lastest CD is called, what else but…”Tracy Chapman” It’s been very inspirational for me.
Has anyone ‘ahead’ of me had a sensation of floating? Where you don’t beleive anything? I mean anything? Where you get the feeling that everything is transparent? I am doubting everything & anybody now. I’ve had eight years of abuse, but I really feel for the people that have been sucked into much longer.
Hey Doc’s, Can we get a Vaccine/Annidote for this Disease?
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kindheart48 says:
henry, i can sure relate to you driving to where he works, My s has two rental units around the corner from me and i’ve had to drive by them at least 4 times a day this past week. But i have to keep the no contact or im literally screwed for better words. When i think back to last summer and when he saw me leaving the bar and had to make contact, i WISH SO badly i had cut it off then. but can change it so have to move forward and yes it is like crawling and it feels like it will never be any better but i’ve never given myself a fair shake with the no contact never more than maybe just over a month in 6 years so how would i know how lieberating i t can feel as each time i was feeling stronger , i’d go back for more and back to square one. This time i have to give myself the opportunity to feel better and get stronger. These people are too toxic for words. love kh
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slimone says:
henry, SC2 and all,
I understand the ‘drive by’s’. For me it is unavoidable. This man teaches at a gym I live next to, and he is a sort of ‘cult leader P’, as someone else said on another post. It is a kind of dancing that has a real ‘woo-woo’ philosophy that he can use to create ‘groupies’ who feel that dancing/exercising with him takes them out of their ordinary lives and promises them, well that perfection that was mentioned in the original text of this post (which is SO helpful). Henry, the guy I knew passed just one car length ahead of me the other day, to cross the street and I had a mini fantasy that if he had been RIGHT in front of me I could have gunned it and turned him into an inkspot.
I SO WISH HE WOULD MOVE. And this guy’s Modus Operandi is that he generally doesn’t stay anywhere for too long. Sounds terrible but I hope he finds some woman in another state who LOVES him SO much that she begs him, and pays for him, to come stay with her. Poor woman, lucky me!
Because as Shabbychic said avoiding the dark places is what many of us do, and I think that is why we ‘fall for’ the promise of perfection, of being saved from our fears, our losses, our resentments, our ‘ordinary’ lives. These P’s, in the early phase, hold SUCH promise to save us from the REALNESS of living. Because I don’t know about the rest of you but REAL life is still not what I have always wanted/dreamed it would be. This is such a deep and esoteric struggle, that I must continually confront, accept, and find a kind heart to help me with (my own kind heart).
Lost inAZ: I have that feeling. If I understand you. I don’t believe in much of anything. Don’t get me started on the silly things like ‘Law of Attraction’, where we tell the universe what we want, in a SUPER positive way, and it gives us everything. JUST LIKE THE PERFECT PARENT I HAVE LONGED FOR. Just like with a P. If we just act right, ask right, and be right (which of course changes at THEIR whim) we can be admitted into the heaven of abundance that is at their disposal/command. What a bunch of horse shit.
I told someone just the other day that I mostly don’t trust a single person I meet these days. But I am SO amazed at how many people keep proving me wrong, and are kind and helpful and want to do goodness in the world. I think it just takes time to come out of the woods before we can start seeing the goodness in others, in ourselves.
SOne
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justabouthealed says:
I didn’t know where to post this, but I think it is part of “letting go”….it is another article on letting go of intrusive thoughts.
http://ezinearticles.com/?How-.....;id=231502
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