After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 6-Getting Over Not Being Angry
PDF This article continues our discussion of anger as a stage of healing after a trauma or an extended trauma, such a relationship with a sociopath.
I have a friend who has been angry for all the years I have known her. She talks about being insulted or scapegoated at work, despite taking responsibilities well beyond her job title for the welfare of the company. She has been instrumental in eliminating several people who managed her. More people were hired and she is still talking about how she is mistreated.
I have another friend who calls me to talk about how his boss doesn’t appreciate him. He details how he has been swindled out of bonuses, how there is never a word of praise, despite the fact that his personal efforts have been responsible for major changes in the company.
Both of these two have been working for these companies for years and refuse to leave their jobs. Instead, they “practice” their resentments, gathering stories to defend their feelings, performing their jobs in ways that prove them not only blameless but deserving of praise, and sharing their grievances with anyone who will listen.
To prepare for this article, I had a conversation with one of them, who reminded me of when I was in a similar situation. Working for a CEO who refused to give me a title or credit for marketing work that put his company “on the map.” Since I left there, two other people have taken credit for my work in their resumes and public statements. Just talking about it with my friend brought up all the old stories related to the resentment and injury I felt at the time.
Embedded anger
Although these were professional situations, the feelings that my friends and I experienced were not different from the ones I experienced in my relationship with a man I believe to be a sociopath. Beyond all the usual feelings about lack of appreciation, acknowledgment or validation, these feelings had another characteristic. That is, we lived with them for a long time.
My two friends are still living with these feelings, and when I talk to them now, at least once in the conversation I suggest, “You’re an angry person.” Though I’ve said this to them before, they usually pause as though it were the first time they ever heard it. Then they either ignore it (because they don’t think of themselves as angry, only aggrieved), or briefly defend themselves against the comment, saying they have reason to be, before they start telling their stories again.
The fact is that they do have reason to be, as I did, but their anger is a lot older than their work situations. They were practicing it before they took these jobs. They were accustomed to dealing with people who triggered their anger, and they were accustomed to living in circumstances that made them feel hurt and resentful. They “handled it” by trying to do a better job, or getting into power struggles about what is due them, or by telling their stories to sympathetic friends.
What they were not accustomed to doing was deciding that their internal discomfort had reached a level where they needed to make a change. At least not before things got really, really bad. When they got sick. Or started blowing up over small things. Or got so stressed they began making mistakes. Or got in trouble with drugs or food or shopping to make themselves feel better.
It’s not just that they were habituated to abuse. They were habituated to living with old anger. They lived as a matter of course with resentments that would have made healthier people run for the hills from the situation that was causing their distress, or to reframe the situation as a temporary necessity while they searched actively for alternatives.
Paradoxical responses to abuse
A therapist once explained to me a “paradoxical response” observed in some victims of abuse. Rather than responding appropriately – either defending themselves or fleeing – they engaged in “caring” behavior. They became concerned about the wellbeing of the perpetrator, and began providing service to cheer them up or relieve their stresses. As all of us on this LoveFraud know, this response is based on our desire – no, our need – to believe that our abuser is really a good soul or that s/he really loves us or both.
Many of us are paradoxical responders. And what happens to those feelings of anger that we are not experiencing or acting on?
Until these relationships, for many of us, the question didn’t matter. Many of us also are high performers, the “success stories” coming out of backgrounds that might have turned other people into addicts or underachievers or emotional cripples. Instead, we develop a kind of genius at survival through giving. We believe in salvation through love, and we create our own success through helping professions of various sorts.
We do the same in our personal relationships, seeking emotional security by giving generously. We deal with the paradoxes of depending on people who are needy as we are, burying our resentments at their failures to understand how much we have invested or how well we are making up for their weaknesses or how, in arguments or in careless statements, they characterize us by our weaknesses.
When we do get angry, we express our grief at not being understood or appreciated, our disappointment that we are not getting what we hoped from our investments, our frustrations that the other person doesn’t perform the simple requirements of our happiness – a little more attention, affection or thanks. It doesn’t occur to us to rebel against the structure of these relationships, to say we are sick and tired of tiptoeing around their egos and their needs, because we feel we have no right to say these things. We are asking the same thing of them.
When we finally do walk away – from the job or the relationship – we have feelings we do not feel comfortable expressing. We discuss our past in understanding terms. We understand the other people. We understand ourselves. But deep inside ourselves, the thing we do not talk about is contempt. That emotion that is so close to shame. We feel contempt for their shortcomings. And because we too were in the room with them, we feel contempt for ourselves. And this is difficult to contemplate, much less talk about it. But like a song we can’t get out of our minds, this feeling is like a squatter we have trouble shooing away.
Emotional contagion
I know why these friends are attracted to me. I am a good listener. They also think I may have answers to their situations. But the more interesting question is: Why am I attracted to them? Why are so many of my friends people who see themselves as aggrieved, but who I see as people whose lives are shaped by a deep level of buried anger they don’t even recognize?
My conversations with them tend to bring up old memories of my own. In fact, these friends like to refer to my stories. Times when I felt badly repaid for good efforts. My girlfriend, in particular, who knew me through the years of my relationship with the sociopath and employment with that CEO, likes to bring up these stories and sympathize with me or offer advice. It’s what she wants from me, and assumes it is what I want from her.
But it’s not what I want. I get off these calls feeling my anger. Seeing it all again. And I do what I do with anger. I dive into it, searching for knowledge. I value the anger, because I have the habit of forgetting it, forgiving too soon before I really am finished with learning what it has to tell me. I’ve done the exercise so often now that I know what I’m going to find. First, I am angry because of what I lost – the investments, the time, the benefits I expected to get back. Then, I am angry with myself for not standing up for myself or exiting these situations when they became predictably abusive. Then I am angry at something I can’t name – My rules? My sense of the world? What is wrong with me?
Finally, I am visiting a place that I need to return to, again and again. It’s where I keep my oldest stories, ones I would probably not remember at all, except that my anger leads me to them. I see these memories like home movies played on an old projector on a raggedy old screen. I watch a bit of myself as a child, dealing with some situation that changed my understanding of the world. In the background, there is a calm voice saying, “Do you remember what you learned here? Here is the new rule you made for your survival. And here is how the rule affected your life.” And suddenly I am flying through the years, seeing how that rule played out, linking cause to effect, cause to effect, over and over. Until I am finally back in my here-and-now self again, aware that another “why?” question has been answered, another connection made that makes sense of my life, another realization that I can undo that rule now. I’m not a child anymore.
Difficulties with anger
Many, if not all people who get involved with sociopaths have difficulties with anger. We don’t welcome the message from our deeper selves. We don’t recognize it as something that requires immediate attention and responsive action. We don’t communicate it clearly with the outside world. We frequently don’t even consider ourselves angry until so much emotional response has built up that it’s eating us alive. We don’t recognize irritation, frustration, resentment, confusion, hyper-alertness and anxiety as feelings on the anger spectrum – messages that something isn’t right.
This generalization may be too broad, especially for those of us have dealt with people who we think were completely plausible until the end of a long con. But most of us faced many circumstances in these relationships when our emotional systems alerted us that something wasn’t right. And instead of taking it seriously and acting on it, we rationalized it, using our intellects to talk ourselves out of our responses.
How would we have acted if we had taken our anger seriously? We would have expressed our discomfort. We would have demanded or negotiated a change in the situation. We would have said “I don’t agree” or “this doesn’t work for me.” We would have walked away. We would have made a plan to change our circumstances. We would have made judgments that something wasn’t good for us, and acted on those judgments. We would have taken care of ourselves – which is what anger is all about, taking actions to deal with a threat to our wellbeing.
Why we have difficulties with anger is something related to our own personal stories. It is a good idea to search our history for the day when we decided that it wasn’t safe to express or even feel anger, so we can undo that rule. We all had our reasons, good reasons at the time. Even today, there may be occasions when we choose not to express our anger, or to defer thinking about it until later. But eventually, if we’re going to get really well, we have to recover our ability to connect with our own feelings.
Mastering anger
For those of us who have difficulty with anger, there are several gifts we get from the sociopath. One is a reason to get mad that is so clear and irrefutable that we finally have to give in to our emotional system, stop rationalizing and experience uncomplicated anger about what happened to us. The other thing they give us is a role model of how to do it. Though sociopaths have their own issues with historical anger, on a moment-by-moment basis they are very good at linking their anger to the cause, recognizing and responding directly to threats to their wellbeing or their plans.
Beyond that, in the course of these relationships, a kind of emotional contagion affects us. By the time we emerge, we feel ripped off and distrusting. We are at the edge of becoming more self-sufficient than we have ever been in our lives. To get there, we have to move through several phases while we overcome our obstacles to learning. One of those hurdles is overcoming our fear of our own anger.
People who have been suppressing anger for most of their lives have reason to fear it. Once we finally get angry about something, once we recognize the validity of own emotional reactions, there is a history of moments when we should have gotten angry that are ready to move to the surface of our consciousness. We are afraid that we will be overwhelmed or that, in our outrage, we will destroy everything within our reach.
Here is the truth. We will stop feeling angry when we acknowledge our right to feel angry in each and every one of these memories. That self-acknowledgement is what our emotional system wants. The message is delivered, and we naturally move on to what to do about it. If the circumstance is long gone, the simple recognition that we had a right these feelings is often enough to clear them.
The other truth is that we will not remember everything at one time. Once we allow ourselves to have these feelings, there will be an initial rush, but then the memories will emerge more gradually as we become clearer about our need for respectful treatment or about our grief at something important we lost.
Beyond recognizing that we were entitled to have our feelings, another thing we can do to clear them is have conversations with the causes of these feelings. We may want to speak to people, alive or dead, face to face or only in our journals or our thoughts, to say that we do not condone what happened to us. That we have feelings about it, and we want those feelings recognized.
We may think we’re looking for apologies, but the real benefit of these conversations is that we are validating ourselves and our own realities. We are getting real with ourselves. Eventually some of these conversations often turn out to be with God. Don’t worry about it. God can handle our feelings. Even the Buddhists encourage experiencing this human incarnation fully through all your senses and feelings.
The goal here is to clean house emotionally, so that you can experience anger in the here and now that is not tainted with old anger. So that you can plan and live your life in ways that are not unconsciously shaped by anger, fear and grief. Mastery of anger begins with the ability to link anger to cause, instead of expressing deferred anger in situations that really have nothing to do with it. Perfect anger is like the tit-for-tat strategy. It’s an appropriate and measured response that is equivalent to the threat or the trigger.
Beyond that, anger clearly felt in all its subtleties and permutations opens a new world to us. We find a new range of speaking voices – snappish, impatient, cold and unsympathetic. (Sound like anyone you know?) All things we need to deal with certain situations. We find new facial expression and body language. In allowing ourselves to become judgmental about what is good for us, we become more grounded about who we are and what we need.
Most important is that anger opens our ability to become powerful in our own lives. Without the ability to respond to threats and obstacles, we have no ability to envision and plan our lives. Anger is not only the voice of what we don’t want, it’s is also the voice of what we do want. What we want badly enough to work for, to fight for, to build in our lives.
Later we will talk about eliminating the residue of anger, learning how to forgive. But for now, our work is to link cause to effect, to honor our feelings, and to become real with ourselves and our world.
Namaste. The calm and certain warrior in me salutes the calm and certain warrior in you.
Kathy
written by Kathleen Hawk • Permalink •
OxDrover says:
DEar Henry!!!!! Towanda!!! You are such an A.S. S!!!! Assertive Survivor of a Sociopath!!!! ((((hugs))))) Isn’t life grand without the S? Isn’t life grand when you spend time with people who love and respect you???.
We got poured on today, wish it had dumped more of it in Oklahoma before it got here (like it did the snow!) LOL have a good day tomorrow, NO RAIN!!!!! But gonna blow like March!
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Leah says:
Congratulations on turning the corner, Henry. I love hearing that.
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Jim in Indiana USA says:
WOW…thanks Kathleen…and everyone who commented. Perfect article for me at just the right time! And prayers for those in the toughest part of the “journey” right now…
Jim
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greenfern says:
To Kathleen Hawk,
Yes, the dreams are definitely connected to the s.
The dream usually starts out revisiting with the s. He is usually in his house and I see him. It turns out he is left by his current wife and he is sad an all alone. Then he starts telling me that he values me and my friendship and I was the only one for him, etc, etc…sweet-talk basically. Then I start feeling good, even though there is a sense of unease, but I am trying to believe him. Then suddenly he got me cornered, physically and emotionally. Usually at this point he is trying to kill me, but it comes as such surprise. Like he is all nice then the next thing I know he is pushing me off of a ledge. Two nights ago I had this dream where he found me sleeping in the gutter. He was all sweet, then he held me down by my wrist and started slicing me up alive with a knife (I am sorry this is so graphic). I struggled and fought, but seemed like a loosing battle. It was so vivid. I guess there is a lots of symbolism in that. As far as meds go I am not taking anything, never have. Sometimes ibruprofen.
I have always had a very accurate and vivid dream recall. I dream every night, multiple dreams. I write them down too. I have re-occuring dreams about my mother commiting suicide. She has always threatened us with that in real life (still does, she is diagnosed as borderline) I have bad dreams about my father beating my mother and my sister and I and I am trapped. Then I wake up and I am 34 years old, realizing that’s gone. But somehow in my sleep I am still there.
I used to have once or twice a week a dream about nuclear holocaust. Sirens going off, I am desparately seeking shelter, trying to find my sister then seeing the bomb go off, feeling the shock wave and being vaporized. Then I would wake up. I had this dream since age 5 or 6. This particular dream stopped after I split with the s. Which is great.
Such a “dark” post…but I wanted to give a little background on my dreams.
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greenfern says:
I just read something interesting I wanted to share. Hmmm…
http://www.sociopathicstyle.com/tools/triangle.htm
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learnthelesson says:
Hi All.. Im going on 33 hours no sleep…my son fainted in bathroom …hospital via ambulance 8am yesterday..concussion and fractured his skull but good news is no bleeding…his diabetes numbers were good upon finding him unconscious…so trying to figure out what in the world happened. He is MUCH better than me today
…neurologically on par with clinical findings and so far so good…thank god…but a few long days ahead. I will be away for a while, but you all are in my thoughts and prayers…life is SO precious…. enjoy every minute of it as best you can. Stay on track…Ill be back to check in when all is calm.
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kindheart48 says:
hey guys, had a much better day today as i have been in the anger mode. Only problem is my thinking (trying to stop it) goes to why does he tell her he loves her etc. when i know he loves no one. Is this normal or is it my ego can’t take the rejection. Im trying not to go there with the thinking but it does wander there when the truth is if he did love her so much why the hell was he still contacting me. Dumb thinking. Stinking thinking. love kindheart
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shabbychic2 says:
LTL: My prayers and thoughts are with you and your son.
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shabbychic2 says:
kindheart: I am so glad you had a much better day today! From my own experience I know one of the good reason for not calling him or anyone in his life is that then you don’t have new conversations to think about, now the conversation you had with that woman is going round and round in you mind, so it’s better not to hear about him, the thoughts start going away.
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OxDrover says:
Kindheart,
Do not obscess over the lies he tells her, the “I love yous” he tells anyone, they are LIES. DO NOT GO THERE. If you find yourself thinking about that, MAKE YOURSELF THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE. Sing a song, count your multiplication tables, do anything in your head —IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO THINK 2 THOUGHTS AT THE SAME TIME, SO MAKE YOURSELF THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE THAT DOESN’T TAKE ANY EFFORT TO REMEMBER….count, sing, recite a poem or limerick, anything.
You are right, it is dumb thinking. remember HE IS THE LIE. Try chanting that!
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OxDrover says:
Dear LTL,
I am so sorry to hear about your son. You and he are in my prayers. (((((hugs))))))
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henry says:
Learn I am sorry to hear about your son – hope all goes well – a friend of mine fell and she injured her spinal cord and things dont look good…Green Fern – the article you suggested makes me go hmmmm also- am I a sociopath too? I have often wondered that or maybe I am just so used to them I relate with their strategys? I have a heart that breaks and I can love, I never would hurt or exploit anyone…..I think too much sigh – cology for me – I need to stop and just be…..
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kindheart48 says:
Learn, i hope everything works out alright with your son. I know if something were to happen to my sons i would be so worried. As far as wondering if i am a sociopath, yes i even asked at the Trauma/addiction prog if i was Borderline and he said absolutely not in fact he said i have an over conscience and i think it’s more of what i read on that Sam Vaknins site that we take on their traits just to hold our heads above water. I certainly know i’ve been guilty of manipulating in my day, esp when i was drinking but i certainly don’t want to hurt anyone but as i’ve read if you are around them for too long you become them which i think can happen to a certain degree. I think it’s human nature to want to strike back at someone who deliberatly has wanted to hurt us , relex reaction. If i thought my s had any emotions at this point i still wouldn’t want to deliberatly hurt him but i’ve beaten my head against the wall in vain as he obviously doesn’t. my s would say my Mother is the only person wh o loves me uncondionally and if i thought for a moment that she reall yknew who he was she couln’t even possibly love him . pure Evil that has taken me 6 years to admit. love kindheart
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henry says:
Maybe it is good that we question ourselves like this after being involved with one. I dont think a true sociopath would ask himself that, he/she would just go on with business as usual. Our realities are undermined by them and they purposely make us crazy, they enjoy that. With my X I think it was all about power and survival or visa versa. Kindheart have you read Trauma Bonding? I am re-reading it now. Things are so much clearer now than when I first read it in a state of anxiety. It’s been one year no contact and I can really feel the whole horrible experience evaporating, but I can relate with anyone just learing the truth. I think the most painful thing has been my undenialble need for me too look into myself and sort things out….
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kindheart48 says:
henry , Congratulations on one year! What an accomplishment, i can only wish. I did it with the booze so i can surely do it with this although i have to admit , this has been much harder and yes i actually ordered a book called “The Betrayal bond” had a very hard time finding it here so just ordered online, only prob is alot of my friends think i should stay clear of the self help books, etc. because they think it is still fueling the obsession. One actually isn’t even sure this site is good for me righ tnow. I’d like to know others take on this as most of you have been on her alot longer. At this point it’s hard to know what is good and what isn’t good where the obsession is involved. im seeing my physicatrist on Tuesday and i have told her all about this site and how valuble it has been for me with especially the validation. Im prob right where im suppose to be being as i had contact recently. This last episode with the lying, dangling of the carrot and taking away just about did me in. I still find it hard to beleive how toxic one person can be to another but i have to admit the truth and stay the hell away. love kindheart
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Jim in Indiana USA says:
kindheart…as long as you’re in the process, I don’t think this site is harmful. There is always support for you here, with NO CONTACT the best rule, and being able to discuss the “obsession” when it strikes you.
And, as Oxy says, the “process”, journey, or road to healing never ends…so stay a while.
Don’t leave and have us wonder “where” you are! You are cared for and loved here, and the skillets are used only when necessary…LOL
Jim
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kindheart48 says:
Thanks Jim, i can’t imaggine how much better you must feel a year out of it. I was thinking to last summer and how i felt vindicated leaving a club where the moron was standing outside, commenting on my nice jeans, I said”i know they are and drove away” not as hurt but in a i’ve got a handle on this. Then i get home on computer and phone rings, guess what, he must have seen he was losing control . I would have been so much better off if i had ended it then and there but can’t change it. I just wish i was where you are as i know i’m not being the person i could be . love kindheart
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kindheart48 says:
im sitting here wondering if there will ever come a day when this loser won’t occupy my headspace. Wish i could switch obsessions but it obv doens’t work that way.
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lostingrief says:
saw the ex spath-bag as i went by on the bus: 30 feet away. fitted white t-shirt, baggy jeans and his tims (the uniform), holding court … a gaggle of admirers listening to his bullshit. he was smiling, animated, mesmerizing. in 40 seconds, i lost a month of healing.
please don’t look. it’s like starting at the sun.
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kindheart48 says:
lostinfrief , i feel for you. After my last episode with the s i was literally hysterical, he could care less, just used me for 6 years and im still recuperating and almost afraid to leave the house for the reason you just mentioned. I live in a fairly small town and everything seems like atrigger to me, his friends, but i can’t let it ruin my life. He’s taken enough already. How long has it been as the ex’s of the s have both told me that they think he looks like he’s 80. Time and distance has a way of making things look clearer. I know i have the Stockholm Syndrom as i can’t get anyone other thatn prob his new woman who’s down on her luck to think he has any thing going for him. Who cares what the loser looks like , wrapping might be good but the insides sucks. Picture him again in the same outfit only missing a hole through the middle of his body where his heart should be. love kindheart
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Jen2008 says:
Kindheart said: “im sitting here wondering if there will ever come a day when this loser won’t occupy my headspace. Wish i could switch obsessions but it obv doens’t work that way.”
Kindheart,
Yes you will eventually get to that place but it is a gradual process. It seems right now like it will never happen, but believe me, there will come a day when you rarely think of him other than maybe an “in passing” thought. You’ll eventually get past the oh I feel so stupid or what the hell was I thinking and the anger and regrets of both what he did and also the “woulda shoulda coulda’s” of what you did or didn’t do. And the day will come when you’ll think oh THANK GOD that man is no longer a part of my life (for the bad times OR any good times you had) and you will MEAN IT.
With time your life will just get better and better and you’ll start to have really happy days, and those days will grow in frequency, and then one day you will realize that you are happy the vast majority of the time. And also you’ll start to realize that you survived it all and that it actually made you stronger. It seemed like such a long and slow process that I thought it would never happen with me, but it did. Just hang in there! –Jen
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henry says:
Darn it Lost – sorry you layed on eyes on the spath bag – disgusting sight wasnt it~~!!!! you dont miss that peice of chit – just look the other way and You did not lose a month of healing just maybe a day or two – the creeps – we should implant radar detectors in their butts and when we get close a buzer goes off~~~~Warning SpathBag in Area – change directions or get prepared to stare him down – cause Lost – he aint nothing – just a demon in a meat suit that played with your mind one time —next?
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OxDrover says:
Dear Lost,
I’m sorry you got a knock between the eyes, it seems to me that the UNEXPECTED run ins with them are the worst! That night at the auction when my x-BF P showed up—in MY territory and acted like nothing had happened, it was like a sledge hammer between the eyes. THREW ME FOR A LOOP! Ditto running into the egg donor that day in Wally World. The UN-EXPECTED-NESS of it I think is what had the worst effect.
At least for those two times. I think now, if it happens again, I will be prepared better and not react so much.
Like tonight, I went to the auction with son C and there was somewhat of a chance we might have run into his X wife there with her new BF, but we were PREPARED….if it happened it happened. We talked about it on the way there.
Actually, I have gotten to the point with her that seeing her doesn’t even upset me any more. He hasn’t seen her since the divorce in Feb of last year. I have also made a great deal of progress where my egg donor is concerned in the last few weeks (at least it feels like I have anyway, the bitterness is leaving) and so I think I could handle it with a MINIMUM of stress. I will continue to avoid places where she might be, but if I do run into her, I am going to do my best to hold it together.
Take a deep breath. The last SLAM I got by running into the egg donor really made me sick with stress, but only for about 18 hours—-and THAT made me realize that I used to LIVE that way 24/7 and I don’t live that way now, so when I did get a slam I could actually FEEL it rather than being so numb all the time I couldn’t even feel a big stress surge, I was too numb to even feel one. LOL
This may be a GOOD Thing, and let you start to realize how you are living in much lower stress levels now. ((((hugs))))
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lostingrief says:
ox, henry, kindheart,
yes, it was the unexpectedness of it that really got me, i think. good news is, the sick feeling inside only lasted for a day. i was more angry than anything … how DARE he be laughing, and how dare THEY think he’s anything but a traitorous coward!
“change directions or get prepared to stare him down” — i hope i would have the guts to do that if i actually got that close to him. but it’s my plan. i have practiced in my mind 100 times. we travel in the same area, and it’s inevitable. i will ignore him completely, no matter what he says or does.
“you are living in much lower stress levels now” — that is so true. but the stress has taken its toll on my body. i am having terrible pain and i am being tested next week for MS, diabetes and peripheral neuropathy. never been sick a day in my life, and now i am very slowed down; can barely walk some days.
he won’t get away with that. i’m certain this is fallout from two years of hell; i CAN be well again.
kindheart: that is good advice. i will forever picture him now with a hole through his chest … the place i used to rest my head and felt safe and cared for. what a crock. nothing about him was real.
all is well.
TOWANDA!!!
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OxDrover says:
Dear LIG,
The kind of stress that they put us through IS like a terrible illness to our body and minds, it weakens our immune systems and makes us vulnerable to all kinds of sicknesses. I had four life-threatening infections after the plane crash and all of the other stressors in my life brought on by the Ps.
Now that I am living a much MUCH lower stress life for a period of time and am building up what I call “reserve strengths” (I visualize it like an EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT) those reserves tide me over the “rough spots.”
For example. if your “E-bank account” is One Unit to the positive, and you run into a SMALL two-unit problem, you immediately are “OVER DRAWN” even for a tiny thing, so that sets you back into the NEGATIVE category.
If your “E-Bank account” is 100 Units, a 2-unit problem doesn’t even effect you very much at all.
It is, I think, using this “bank account” analogy, when we are OVERDRAWN for long periods of time that we literally become sick.
Part of the problem with humans (vs. animals) is that a sick animal will find a cave to hole up in and REST and RECOVER but we (smart?) humans, seem to think we have to keep on keeping on and keeping up the “front” that “all is well” and we use even MORE UNITS OF EMOTIONAL ENERGY in trying to maintain that facade. At least I know I did.
It was only when I was so “sick I couldn’t go on” that I finally decided, Hey, I gotta REST and NOT beat myself over the head with the darned SKILLET that I am not “doing something.” It is OKAY TO DO NOTHING BUT REST AND RELAX. I guess part of it is my in-born hyperactivity, but I realize that I am also programmed that my time must be spent “productively” and that just kicking back is “laziness” and that is a big-time SIN!
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henry says:
Lost – I have lot’s of back problems – and the X certianly kept me stressed out and drained physically and emotionally. I would like to blame everything on the x, he was a VIRUS to my mind – body – and soul and my spirit. Our bodys get attacked everyday by germs and bacteria, we have stress even with them gone. Just like I have been fighting his contagious exploitation over the past year, and finding the right mind medicine to avoid the spath virus. I have to work on my addictions and afflictions, he was both. Lost they are lethal and destructive, it’s only after you have been infected with the spath virus that you realize they are destructive, no matter how fine and pretty they are they are murderous to (everyone) that comes in contact with them. So we are healing from our encounter – just think how wonderful it is to know what almost killed us and how too avoid them (it) in the future, and my body knows it is not stressed out to the max, even if there are times my heart falters a bit. Listen to your body and help it heal – sorry to be so full of it this morning- keep your chin up Lost – you are winning this battle….
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kindheart48 says:
Yes guys, it is a phenomenum (bad spelling) in itself how toxic these people are to our body, mind an d souls. So many times i went back when i would forget and get my strength back, just like having a baby when you forget the labour pains. I remember with my first, never again and then i had another son. This last time did a number on me as well and im not even drinking anymore or i’d prob be dead seriously for sure. It has only been a week and im feeling i don’t know hurt, mourning, but i have to remind myself that it’s not he that i’m mourning, it’s what i wanteed him to be and he cannot ever be even close to it. My weight has plummeted down and my appetite is not back fully and im just emotionally spent in general. Today im kind of pissy with alot of people who don’t really deserve it , i was so tolerant of his shitty behaviour and his daugher etc. and then i loose tolerance with the people who really deserve it but at least im aware. I know im not the person i can be and im tired of letting others, anything outside myself push me down and being a sponge for other people who don’t have anything to give me back. Thanks all of you and i wish all of us an easy NoContact journey. love kindheart
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newlife08 says:
I agree the unexpected sightings are not good for us. I was in the food store Wednesday night getting things for my daughters trip and ran into my NH with my son. My little cutie came and kissed me and hugged me and said how weird it was to be in the food store with his dad- dad NEVER shopped with us – NEVER – and see me in the aisle. It was so awkward for him. And for NSH to turn from me like a stranger – it still stuns me- I spend most of my time acting as if he is dead. So when I see him it is kind of a cognitive confusion to see him in the flesh. Same thing when I hear his voice. Maybe I shouldn’t play the “He is dead ” game- not healthy???
You also peaked my interest on stress and health – I fell on my back weeks ago , at least 4 and I don’t remember it taking this long to feel better. My legs are hurting, I have some kind of lump growing out of the back of my heel, my hair has no life and my face doesn’t look like me. My skin is blotchy – and I stayed home from work with a cold on Friday -slept all day. I never do that – I ALWAYS go to work. Even today I poked around doing chores and any other time I would have zoomed around thye house to get them done and get outside. I can’t enjoy my yard and planting with the skank right next door – I just can’t deal with it. I don’t think I can trust myself to keep my mouth shut.
But I don’t want to waste the coming summer either – done that too many years waiting for him. The only man who owns a little shack at the Jersey shore and rather be with his whores than his wife and family. But OH what a hero he looked to everyone who thought “Look how good he is to his wife and kids” – NOT !!!!!
Kindheart – this is a tough road to go – needing to fall out of love with someone and giving up the dream. Realizing we so underestimated their ability to be cruel and use us without mercy. Mine still insists his intent was to keep our family together – shame on me for finding new evidence of continued betrayal – and he says I threw him out like a dog.
Then he should be OK – because his credit cards show he was worse than I ever imagined- I haVE READ THE WORD MINDF**K – after all I knew – I never would have even accused him of what I found- and I am sure it will get worse.
Prayers for all – without support we all may believe we are the crazy ones. I am grateful for what I learn here – even if it takes me longer to process and accept .
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kindheart48 says:
I have a friend in the program who is on me to get a sponsor for the compulsion but im trying to defend this site for using it for the same purpose. Any input would help. kindheart
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newlife08 says:
kindheart48
You will get great support here – I just don’t know if this site has someone available at every given moment. The complusion for contact faded slowly for me- sometimes I had to fight it minute by minute. And even now, when I get angry and want to vent on him -which will do me absolutely no good – I fight it or call a friend. Counseling is imperative I believe to heal from this relationship dynamic- or our suffering is unduly prolonged. There is so much to know and read and process. And even then I wait for my heart to catch up to my head knowledge.
Do you have a friend you can call anytime? The moments can be unpredictable – sometimes when waking up I would be over the top anxious, or driving to work alone in the car – or while at work. Someone has to talk you down from the silo when you get the urge to call – no matter what the reason.
I have kids with the NS so i text, e-mail or voice – mail. Talking directly to him still messes with my head.
Sometimes contact makes me see more of who he is or makes me miss him when it sounds like the fake him.
You have to find support for yourself- you need someone who will understand what you are going through.
Stay away from those who tell you to get over it and move on – they will never understand your position.
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kindheart48 says:
newlife , thanks for the post and yes im in the early stages and not wanting to go through the process all over again but no other choice. I can’t tell you how much this is like when i quit drinking, possibly worse. And you are so right it does hit you from out of nowhere. I think most of my friends, not all are sick of the whole process but all in all they are understanding. Im so dam knowledgable that it’s so bleeeping frustrating that i can see it for what it is. Stockholm Syndrome i’ve been told by professionals. I know it gets easier as i’ve done it before, but never got past a few months. love kindheart
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henry says:
So many people that post here have mentioned that when their health or wealth went down’they’ got up and moved to greener pastures. ‘They’ being the Spaths. ‘they’ never put down roots..’they’ never think beyond the moment, ‘they’ never planned on being beside us in bad times – only the good- and the good times were not real – just part of their games- I really think I am over the pain – I know I am – but I wont forget it – I wont forget and I am here for anybody that thinks they will never heal or feel normal again…You will I promise..you wont forget but you will stop hurting….
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Jim in Indiana USA says:
henry-glad you’re here! Your post reminded me of my ancestors’ motto…Latin…ne obliviscaris…Do Not Forget! We forgive ourselves, the pain lessens, life goes on…but we do not forget. But we do find peace and joy again. It takes time.
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sabine says:
Wow – Ox Drover –
I really relate to all the comments about being physically and emotionally drained and how it plays a part in our Immune System. My story was told a few posts ago but anyway it all came to an end as of january. From October until maybe February I was very ill, fatigued and sleep deprived constantly. I actually developed pertussis; even though I was recently vaccinated against it. So from that I coughed for abour 3 months (100 day cough it’s called), and then subluxed a rib from coughing! On top of that I was psychologically a complete mess; full of anxiety, nausea and confusion daily. Now I am full of anger. If I had to bill the Sociopath from MY path – there would be compensation to various other health care Practitioners (he is an Acupuncturist/a very bad one at that), my family, my work etc…. I feel like I not only lost that time in my life but that now I have to ‘rebuild’ myself. I need to get back in shape, eat properly, sleep 8h/night etc.
I only knew him for 5 months but I feel the damage may last well beyond the 5 months afterwards. I filed a complaint against him so I still have to ‘deal’ with it for awhile…
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sabine says:
Newlife –
I liked this comment – it is very true. I have never ‘obsessed’ over anything like this before but it seems to heal me better when I face it, talk about it and find those who feel the same and understand. Telling someone to ‘get over it’ does me no good whatsoever.
I feel like I want to call him every day with something ELSE I need to say – you know? I haven’t done it yet and I hope I never do. Although if I ever see him in person I just may walk up and give him a good slap across the face. Even if his wife is there (especially). He is into Martial Arts too so hopefully I’d humiliate him…can they be humiliated?
“Stay away from those who tell you to get over it and move on – they will never understand your position.”
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learnthelesson says:
Thank you for the well wishes…My little guy is home resting comfortably. Has a halter heart monitor to track his heart and limited activity until skull fracture heals. Drs. feel confident this was isolated incident with getting up too quickly in the morning, being on the dehyrdrated side (from diabetes) and that we will get clean bill of health within a few weeks..
I have been reading in between down times and the support and advice at LF is unsurpassable…it truly is a safe haven to turn to when we need support or just a shoulder (keyboard) to lean on…
To everyone reading…. from the moment I found my son unconscious last week, I realized what I should have realized all along and always have said the words but never fully processed them…. life is so precious and valuable… INCLUDING OUR OWN. On any given day life can throw us curveballs or joyous moments – its so unpredictable — up to and including relationships. It is up to us once the ball drops – to pick it up as soon as we can, as soon as we are ready. Nobody can do it for us. I did not have the tools or prior experience to know what to do when I found my son — but I did the best I could with the help of 911 and now I am on my way again… determined to make the best of each and every day. I could choose to live in fear of it happening again or relive that day over and over — but what good would it do me?? — it happened, Ive learned more now from the experience if I ever find someone unconscious and what to do! Im not looking back. I want to live my life that way with the S!!!! I did not have the tools or prior experience with the S… but I did my best, and with the help of 911 (books, LF, support) I am now on my way again. Because I see that the lesson was not about him or who they are or what they do… the lesson was about me – the person Ive become or needed to become in order to recognize and remove myself for people that are bad for me or do not love me.And me being ok with someone I loved not loving me. And me dealing with loss, rejection, etc… Its about me knowing who I am, what I need, what I want and fulfilling those things in healthy ways up to and including adding healthy relationships into my life the right way.
This past week was a real eye opener for me – in that each of our lives and each one of us are truly beautiful, with beautiful souls — who fell for others who dont have or share that special gift long-term. Its an awful experience, a horrible reality and a shock to our good natured beings. But we all have the choice and the power to heal and let go and move on. Because after a certain amount of time, life starts to pass us by.
Live a little lighter today, live a little better today, live loving yourself a little bit more for you — no longer for them or about them –each day. They are not worth it. Dont let them have access to your life in their absence. Once they are gone, it truly is a gift from god…. the choice to grow and learn and look ahead to the life you can create for yourself. God doesnt give us anything we cant handle. We just have to make the choice when we are ready to go on with life without the N/S/P bringing us down.
Apples to apples we offer so much more just to ourselves alone – they they offer to us — and then what we offer to others lives is incomparable — find yourself again — and then surround yourself with all the people waving green and yellow or black and white flags…. Green means— Welcome, hello, Im a generous kind giving person who respects myself first and then others…. Yellow means — Im a good person, but Im guarded and taking my time with what direction I want to go in, Im figuring out myself…glad you are my friend. Black/White means – I know where Im headed and it doesnt include new friends in my life right now or Id like to get to know you. RED FLAGS MEAN – youre instinct tells you something doesnt seem right. Be it a new friend or long time friend or lover asking you for endless favors, or loans or disrespectful treatment, hurting you emotionally or physically, a feeling of awkwardness because you know what you deserve and expect as a person and you are being treated differently than you would treat anyone else. STOP. RESPECT YOURSELF ENOUGH TO CHANGE DIRECTION. WALK AWAY….because if you dont respect yourself — they surely NEVER will.
The journey with self is the longest path we will ever take….take it!!! I promise each and every one of you – we will all make it. Its a choice. Choose yourself over a Sociopath. Choose to heal and move on. You wont regret it. There isnt a single person at LF who deserves to be treated poorly. None of us deserve to settle for emotional abuse or physical abuse — for those of us who have experienced one or both in our childhood — PLEASE REMEMBER IN ADULTHOOD GOD GIVES YOU THE CHANCE TO SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF, PROTECT YOURSELF, ASSERT YOURSELF…ALL THE THINGS WE COULDNT DO AS CHILDREN….WE CAN DO THEM NOW…WE CAN SET OURSELVES FREE FROM HARMFUL BEINGS WHO TRY TO MANIPULATE AND CONTROL US. WE JUST HAVE TO MAKE THE CHOICE THAT GOD HAS OFFERED US….WALK AWAY…DONT LOOK BACK AND BY ALL MEANS MAKE NO CONTACT. IF YOU ARE SHARING CUSTODY OF CHILDREN…LIMIT CONTACT AND CHOOSE TO MAKE A BRAND NEW LIFE FOR YOURSELF….THE ONE YOUVE ALWAYS DREAMED OF! STARTS WITHIN YOU!
YOU CAN DO IT. WE ALL CAN!! TOWANDA… and if ever you get stuck, or lonely, or lost or confused or have more advice along the way….remember http://www.lovefraud.com and Donna, Kathy, Oxy and others are only a “RETURN” KEY away!!!!
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kindheart48 says:
learnthelesson, thanks for the inspiring post and i’m glad to see that you have it down what is important, i know in my head and i’ve been praying for myself lately. I’ve been told over and over in AA to pray for those you have a resentment towards and i was praying for the s and his daugher but by doing that i was in essence bing nice again if you know what i’m saying. i do know resentments can kill an alcoholic but at this point i deep in my heart know i have to remain angry and pray for myself for once. I ask God to show me how to love myself and be good to myself. To heck with them for now and i know how you feel when you talk of your son. When i lost it recently with the s and all his lies etc. the day started out with my son finding out that he not only had been screwed over by the military last year (they lost a paper and didn’t log it in and he missed the intake) and then to find out that they again were telling him not until the fall , i lost it. I even called the dam recruitment place myself a couple of times as my son is the last kid that deserves this (intelligent, integrity beyond words really, won’t lie even if you held a gun to his head, refused assistance even though he would qualify ) and for this to be happening to him and the s’s daugher prostituting , stealing, collecting welfare for almost a decade and somehow evading any repercusions, i just lost it at the unfairness. I was so stressed for my son as he was literally sick with the economy and not finding work etc. That did it for me and like you when something bad happens to our kids, boy do things take on a different perspective. Things have worked out well in the end for him thankfully and he will be leaving in hopefully july for Montreal as an Officer but that’s what really threw me over thinking how this kid doesn’t deserve what was happening and i’ve been running around trying to help the s daughter, motherinlaw and what the hell have they ever done for my kids. My sons have enough sense (more than i have ) to not want any part of the s , i’m done being so accepting of people and trying to be so nice . I have a friend who owned a couple of strip clubs for years and he told me somthing a dancer told him years ago and i think of it oftern “The nicer you are the more they shit on you” sorry for the bad words but it does ring true alot of the time. I like what you said about asserting ourselves as that has been my biggest hurdle, i never do assert and then i get to the point of aggression. Passive Aggresive for sure. I m trying to weed out alot of the rif raf out of my life and trust me ther e is lots and get away from all the drama in AA etc. and other areas of my life and it isn’t easy but i know it’s for the best. I’ve spent way too much of my life in drama land. It’s getting really old and im tired of my head spinning on other peoples crap. love kindheart
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Jim in Indiana USA says:
learnEDthelesson…glad to hear your son appears to be on the mend. And to read your post about the journey…and the “flag” description. I needed that to clarify things….no surrender…no white flag, right? LOL. TOWANDO! back atcha!
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kindheart48 says:
hey guys, i fianlly found someone to fantasize about on tv. I couldn’t even find anyone i found attractive on televison for ages. Not that i’d have a chance in a million years but what about Keith Urban, anyone else find him hot. Just a fantasy but at least i find him attractivie , that’s improvment.kh
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Jim in Indiana USA says:
Sorry kindheart48, I don’t find Keith Urban “hot”….LOL…but if it works for you…OK ((HUGS))
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learnthelesson says:
Jim — YOU GOT IT ! NO WHITE FLAGS! LOL Reminder to self… have mini towanda/towando flags made for LV Convention… Jims flag to be IRISH GREEN!
Kindheart,
I actually think of you from time to time and send my prayers and support your way always…. I want to see you get through this with flying colors waving all the flags!!! I know you can do this… some of your posts are so strong and determined — and often the kindest of hearts are the bravest of hearts!
So glad to hear about yours sons outcome ..bet July cant get here fast enough! An Officer in Montreal… good for him! Yes my children are my love and joy. And my son actually inspires me every day! His smile, in particular! His outlook on life and his sense of humor through it all – keeps me going. When we were in hospital room he said “Mom, today was the worst day and best day of my life… I cracked my cranium but it did its job and protected my brain” I couldnt help but laugh at the brutal honesty and humor! When we finally got home I was putting him to bed and he said “Mom, can you lay with me Ive had a rough couple of days” — I encourage my kids to do the things I want to do in life –speak up for themselves, find humor, look on the bright side, and protect themselves while enjoying life and others.
Kindheart – you said “I ask God to show me how to love myself and be good to myself ” – THATS YOUR GOLDEN TICKET KINDHEART! Keep going there with your thoughts and actions – keep on doing that for yourself. A little each day. You once shared your goal is for your ex to see you happy and in love with someone else. Imagine if he sees you happy and lovely just walking down the street all by yourself – totally unphased by his existence – to the point that you get the creeps when you see him and cant believe you ever let yourself get caught up in him! And then once youve got it all together and are being good to yourself and loving yourself — everything else will fall into place.
You are slowly but surely getting there kindheart. You have so much on your plate. Your friend was right about the nicer you are the more they shit on you… that holds true with bad people. But with decent good people in your life thats not the case! Dont let yourself get caught up with S family, children or anyone associated with him. He is your ticket to hell…literally.
Assert yourself with yourself.. Take control back and start to do little things for yourself. If Keith Urban does it for you then crank him up and dance around — or indulge yourself in special little ways — see how much you are capable of being good to yourself and loving yourself. An awesome meal, or a special nailpolish or my fav.. bubble baths and a great book…find things that can jumpstart your day or end your day the right way…even a long car ride or visit a healthy friend… little by little you will be amazed!!!! It sounds trite or simple or silly – but ITS NOT! Its fun!
Keep up the good work Kindheart…you are making great strides… one day at a time! Focus on you and the things you can change for the better!
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Jim in Indiana USA says:
ltl…I’m pretty much Scottish…but green’s a nice color. LOL…the Irish were a friendly bunch, too.
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learnthelesson says:
Jim..its perfect…a blue flag with a big X on top of the S!!
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henry says:
Kindheart – I agree with you keith is HOT~~~!!!!! swap fantasy’s? Nicole Kidman, now aint she lucky, first Tom and now Keith – hope Keith dont break her heart like Tom did…. you know Tom as in Cruise….
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kindheart48 says:
Yes i was watching a program on Nicole recently and she seems to be a really nice person who didn’t deserve what tom Cruise threw at her so itls nice to know that all the pain she went through and then to find someone like Keith Urban, makes me hopeful that there can be happiness even when you think the rug has been pulled from under you. Im not a Tom Cruise fan at all. Narcissistic as they come, poor Katie Holmes will find out one day when the blinders come off. love kindheart
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henry says:
I think those Hollywood types are all a bit narcish – but Nicole did ‘stand by her man’ when keith was in rehab so I give her a hand for that -
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kindheart48 says:
Learn earlier tonight i started pulling up some mowtown music an oldie from Main Ingredient called (I just Don’t Wanna Be Lonely) an oldie and i love Mowtown, i was dancing around my computer room so happy, my usual self but as a friend told me tongiht after the AA meeting i still look a bit strung out after the last contact. I can’t beleive how just in a week i can dance around my rooom singing and just so full of fun that i can’t imagine how i’d feel if i gave myself more No Contact. Im a very fun , risk taking kinda girl who loves to laugh adn joke but this ass hole was as i told him recently a spoiler, i tried so hard to have fun, would dance around his garage where he lived but he never got it. What a dud as my Grandma used to say. someday he will see the real me and how happy i usually am, not the needy , insecure c razy girl he made me into. It’s funny because my one roomie fr the Trauma program said she pictured me with a laid back fun loving ski bum type. Sometimes i’m happy for my ADHD as it’s kept me spontaneous at heart, yes gotten me into a few jams but all in all im happy being me.
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Matt says:
Hi, All:
I can so relate to everybody who is feeling physically lousy right now. For over a month I have been feeling like I was hit by a Mack truck. I can’t shake a lung infection, every joint and muscle is aching, my back problems seem to never end, etc, etc, etc. Even after my vacation, I am still tapped out. I spent most of the day sleeping. I sure hope I get back some energy soon so I can get myself moving on the job search.
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henry says:
let’s have our lovefraud party at a spa – massage’s by hunky men – good healthy food- sauna – hot tub – sleep – group therapy – movie nite – costume party nite – plastic sirgery – botox – yoga lessons – pedicure’s – make overs – sounds better than oxys work farm with her riding around on her ass yeilding a skillit if we stop working…..
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learnthelesson says:
Henry- you are just the right dose of laughter this morning! SET IT UP!!! Ill add to my list, cotton robes with our screennames on them…jelly sandals so nobody slips near hot tub….exposing all feet in case any S’s try to sneak in – apparantly we can spot them by their feet! But Jen’s an exception because she already forewarned us about hers
Red pedicures to remind us of Red Flags.. and a room for Fat and Hairy, the LF mascots, so Oxy will come and direct the group therapy sessions yeilding a skillit at anyone who so much as mutters the word CONTACT!!!
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