BOOK REVIEW: A Dance With the Devil
PDF Barbara Bentley was 35 years old and divorced back in 1981, when Admiral John Perry swept into her life.
She met him at a dinner party hosted by a friend. The admiral dominated the conversation with his stories—he’d lied about his age to get into World War II and became one of the original Navy SEALs. He was a naval aviator during the Korean War, and flew with the Blue Angels. Then, during the Vietnam War, he commanded swift boats fighting on the rivers. He won the Congressional Medal of Honor for saving some of his men when their position was overrun by the enemy. Afterwards, he did clandestine work for the federal government, going places where it would be better if the American presence wasn’t known.
Barbara Bentley relates the story of meeting Admiral John Perry in the beginning of her book, A Dance With the Devil—A True Story of Marriage to a Psychopath, which was published last year. I felt like I was reading part of my own story.
Different psychopath, same story
I, too, heard the tales of fighting in Vietnam from my psychopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery. He claimed to have been awarded the Victoria Cross, which is Australia’s equivalent to the Congressional Medal of Honor. In fact, he sent me a copy of the “mention in dispatches” account of his heroism:
In heavy contact with the enemy, forward of the company in which Captain Montgomery was moving, the commander of the Mobile strike battalion was killed and an Australian Warrant Officer and several indigenous soldiers were wounded … Without hesitation, Captain Montgomery joined a small group under the command of a further Australian Warrant Officer, who was a company commander in the battalion, and went forward to the area of contact. While the remainder of the group were extricating the casualties … Captain Montgomery cut and prepared the casualty evacuation point on his own and under enemy fire. The helicopter attempted to extract the serious casualties but was forced away by heavy fire. Captain Montgomery, with complete disregard for his own safety, then, single handed, cleared the enemy from the close proximity of the evacuation point using hand grenades and small arms fire.
It was, of course, a complete fabrication, as were the stories of Admiral John Perry.
Marriage was a nightmare
But like me, Barbara Bentley didn’t know anything about psychopaths. All she knew was that this man who was so charismatic, so larger-than-life, was saying that he was smitten with her. He pursued her. He proposed to her. And even though he was 20 years her senior, she accepted.
The marriage, of course, was a nightmare, although Barbara couldn’t figure out why. John loved to live the rich life, even when he wasn’t working, and their finances were a catastrophe. He always had a plan though … his new job would pay better … he was going to sell some property … his inheritance was coming through … financial stability was always just around the corner.
But when Barbara finally started asking serious questions, John Perry attempted to murder her.
Then, the legal abuse
The guy was in jail when Barbara tried to divorce him, and he refused to cooperate. Even though he’d attempted to murder his wife, according to California’s no-fault divorce law, he was entitled to part of his wife’s assets, and he was going to get them.
Barbara was so outraged by the legal abuse—the law demanded that she pay the man who attempted to murder her—that she embarked on a crusade to get the law changed. And she did it.
A Dance With the Devil, by Barbara Bentley, is an excellent account of how psychopaths manipulate their victims. Reading it, I saw my own story, over and over. You probably will too.
This book is also the story of escape and recovery. And, it’s the story of a woman who turned near-tragedy into something positive. Now, in California, psychopaths who try to murder their spouses are not entitled to their assets as well.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
been-a-year-now says:
Oh year, and I don’t have a fortune either, maybe a little equity, but not much these days…….
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Jim in Indiana USA says:
been-a-year-now: just came back to find your post. Let’s see…he stalked you…got arrested…got tried…got convicted…got jailed…got a skin infection…and blames who?
Well, that explains what he is.
Prayers….and a pox on his lawyer, and hope for the right outcome for you. Keep us posted.
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been-a-year-now says:
Thanks Wini, I do that too.
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penelope says:
Matt,
Why would you even want to bother? You would be putting 100 percent into the relationship and not only getting zero in return, you’d be walking on eggshells and be feeling miserable.”
I edited improperly, but I meant to say that I wanted his respect. When he tore the mask off I saw how cold his eyes were and knew he was incapable of love. But I thought that if I could “handle” him he might respect me.
In my posts I’m venting feelings, and I don’t seriously want him back. And even if there are days where I want him back I will never communicate with him again. It doesn’t mean there won’t be a little part of me that cries knowing he’ll never come home.
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Matt says:
penelope:
Respect or love, doesn’t matter with these creatures. With them it is all about power. In a personal relationship, there can be no respect if one person is trying to overpower the other person.
S was stunned when I “overpowered” him at the end by not only refusing to give him 10 grand, but by breaking it off with him. And I use the word “overpowered” deliberately, in this case. Because I had NO respect for him at the end.
But the bigger question for you is why you would have even wanted to be in a “relationship” where you had to “handle” the other person? From where I am standing, there can be no respect in a relationship where one party is “handling” the other party. Essentially “handling” someone is the same as “overpowering” them — or “manipulating” them, which is what sociopaths are so good at doing.
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penelope says:
Matt,
As I said earlier he was my roommate. He had a fabulous personality, he looked like a Ralph Lauren model and I was a goner. Still, I wanted a platonic roommate so I rejected his advances which led him to attack me with mind games and manipulations. By the time I’d figured out what I was living with he’d given notice but I had no legal basis for eviction and I still had to contend with him for two months before he moved out. I did manipulate him, but what else could I do? Let him “overpower” me by pulling my strings?
Did I like playing him? Kind of, because I’m very unmanipulative to the point of awkwardness and I was surprised at how good I was at it. At this point I had no regard whatever for his character and I had no guilt because I was simply doing to him what he did to me (and everyone else). I feel bad now, not that I “hurt” him by manipulating him but that I stooped to his level. I’m better than that but I guess when you lie down with dogs you get fleas. In the end I did overpower him by refusing to sleep with him and submit myself to his mind games.
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truebeliever says:
OMG!!!”Dance with the Devil” literally took my breath away when I read the review. John Perry!!! My S! Same name- different sociopath! Crazy that he told me a very similar story about his own father lying about his age to join the Navy and later married his mother (20 years younger). Really creepy…… It is so strange how these stories have the same common thread of insanity and injustice.
I have read some of the posts of others about their S saying they “ARE a GOOD PERSON AND GOOD-HEARTED”. I heard the very same thing from mine. I wonder who they are trying to convince. Didn’t work for me.
Meg, Oxy is so right! He is a lie! Everything about him is a lie! There is no rhyme or reason for what they do. Do not waste your time trying to figure it out. Just be glad that you are OUT!
Hang in there and take extreme care of yourself right now. Be kind to YOU! Redirect your focus to YOU. You really need it. Take some time to heal. Treat yourself like you would your BEST FRIEND.
Penelope; It is called retaliation! Not manipulation in that case. Don’t feel too bad at least you didn’t submit Girl! One for TOWANDA! You all take care! Much love and PEACE of Mind….
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SocioFree says:
“In my posts, I’m venting feelings. I don’t seriously want him back. And even if there are days where I want him back, I will never communicate with him again. It doesn’t mean there won’t be a little part of me that cries knowing that he’ll never come home”
I so related to that sentence and feeling. It captures how I feel about the whole deal with him. 2 years of suffering, numerous breakups, crazy-making etc…still, he is the most charismatic experience I have ever had in a man, most responsive than any to who I am (because he mirrored me), and I fully know it is all a sham in order for him to get his fix.
But still, somewhere, it was beyond exhilarating, albeit very damaging and pointless. Totally nowhere. So like you, I will never go back, but I will also never forget. Like the Boston song, “More than a feeling”
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learnthelesson says:
Sociofree… i relate relate relate. Ya almost got me with the Boston song…but I quickly versed into I WILL SURVIVE! lol lol So what Im looking forward to is that same level of exhilaration with someone who is able to reciprocate instead of mirror or robotically respons… it has to be even better…CANT WAIT…THE REAL DEAL..INSTEAD OF LETS MAKE A DEAL!
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Jim in Indiana USA says:
learnEDthelesson…ok, so I watched the link to Gloria Gaynor’s I WILL SURVIVE!…it fits. Now the one “for the guys” I’m not sure about. THANK GOD AND GREYHOUND SHE”S GONE! Yup, TOWANDO!
My daughter mocks my recent acquisition of a Bryan Adams anthology CD….”that old guy with eye-liner”! I kinda like his STAR. “Tonight you’re gonna wish upon a star you never wished upon before….you’ll find what you’re looking for” That one’s for you! My new theme song…18 TIL I DIE…cranked up with the top down! LOL
“Dance with the Devil”?…does he do the “Twist”?
I need more coffee…..
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learnthelesson says:
Jim… LOL …the one for the guys was a complete quirk that I stumbled across in search of Donna Summers…and I ended up with Gloria’s version! Never saw guys doing a “jam session” to I WILL SURVIVE! TOWANDO!
STAR will be added to my ipod… its a good one! Thanks…think Ive finally “grown up” – took the long and winding road – but it feels good! The key is to remain l8 at heart til ya die! I get it! I get it!
BTW, do they do the jeep “wave” thing in Indiana? First time it happened to me I was in the City. A jeep passed me and the driver gave a wave (I remember hand was on the wheel and three or four fingers popped up as he passed by… (before I got the jeep I heard that they all wave to eachother…but I didnt know it was a “hand on wheel only wave!” LOL) Well being my first wave (lol) I all out threw my hand in the air and gave a full motioned wave back to him – think I scared him! What did I know? LOL My daughter was in the car and said MOM!! YOURE SO EMBARRASSING – YOU ARENT SUPPOSE TO WAVE LIKE THAT!
Got it down to two fingers – peace style!
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learnthelesson says:
Jim – 18 Til I Die is going on my playlist too! And tell your daughter he outgrew the outliner, and it suits him rather well!
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Matt says:
learnedthelesson and Jim:
“I Will Survive” is still big in any disco — definitely gay, pretty much straight — especially in Europe (go figure). Sort of one of those “cross-over” songs like “It’s Raining Men.”
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learnthelesson says:
Matt – so its settled then… you, Henry and Jim can all entertain us to your gay/straight rendition at the LF Party… TOWANDOA!!
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Matt says:
learnedthelesson:
That’s right. Henry and Jim will be my backup girls. To keep the spotlight on me, I’ll keep saying “Backup, girls. Backup, girls.”
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OxDrover says:
Guys, I’m not sure I can host the FAMILY FRIENDLY LF party if you guys are going to be doing the “entertaining” LOL I have a feeling that if there are children here they might be traumatized if they saw their parents rolling around on the floor peeing on themselves while they laughed at you guys.
Especially the thought of you guys doing this in the official UNIFORM of bumble-bee tu-tus and thigh rubber wading boots and of course Henry in his felt skillet hat! ROTFLMAO I swear I have laughed more today than is good for my blood pressure! The visual in my head is just toooooo REAL!
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Jim in Indiana USA says:
Oxy…WHAT? I got the Bumble Bee tu-tu and the waders…and the Richard Simmons workouts…we can get the chest high waders…the children won’t see us peeing and we’ll just have that “warm feeling”….
learnEDthe lesson…the Jeep Wrangler wave…Cherokees, Patriots, etc don’t qualify. Hands on the wheel…couple (2-4) fingers. With the top or driver window down and arm out…I have done it with the “off-wheel” hand. Nobody ran me down to correct me or quiz me on technical terms like “breakover angle” or stuff. I think it’s a “global” thing. Every state I’ve been in since I got it…5 or 6 at least…it’s required. My 26 year old rented a Wrangler in Hawaii last year…same thing.
Matt…Backup, girls…well, I wouldn’t touch that one with a ten-foot “post”…LOL
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Matt says:
OxDrover:
I guess you host 2 versions of the LF gathering. The first is rated G for General Audiences and the second is rated…Hmmm…what would be the rating for no-holds barred?
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truebeliever says:
Shucks! I missed out on the early “happy hour”. I remember an earlier post from Matt and Henry, ( How is Henry by the way?) About a gay performance, “The Melt Sisters” Patti and Tuna who came out with rubber boots and umbrellas to “It’s Raining Men” with naked pictures of men raining out of their umbrellas. Still makes me smile and laugh when I picture it! Thank you for that visual!
I found this web site to help get over a break up. It is a 30 day plan to positive change that might help those of us that are still hanging on and feeling hopeless. Hope it helps.
http://www.first30days.com/breaking-up
I also have news- I received money from the contempt order from my S! He avoided a 90 day stay in jail. He even paid for mediation (court ordered). I am happy but then a little frightened ,from what Oxy and others have posted, What will I have to pay for this win? I have never experienced Mediation and do not know what to expect. I am planning on handling it like a business meeting and laying out the financial evidence of what is owed etc. I really hate to be in a room with just the S and a female Mediator. I am kind of dreading the “twisted battle” or shall I say, “Dance with the Devil”. Any suggestions?
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Matt says:
truebeliever:
Yup, you did. You can jump on board this round — keeping_faith and I are creating a new game called pin the testicles on her ex.
He’s the loser — forgive me, AMERICAN HERO with TINY TESTICLES after the Iraquis put electrodes on them and shrank them. Tragic, I know. So, we’re going to do our on version of “pin the tail on the donkey” called “Pin the testicles on the ASSH___. Family fun for everyone.
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learnthelesson says:
Truebeliever – Way to go!!!! Glad you received some money back! My suggestion for the courtroom is to focus everything..all you have… on the Mediator. Answer the mediator only. Go with the intention of having one goal in mind and accomplish it… providing the financial evidence of what is owed. Do not get twisted up in any way shape or form in his responses or requests…focus on the mediator…believe in yourself…trust yourself…know you are right where you should be in collecting what is rightfully yours. Handling it like a busines meeting is a great way to go into it and out of it. Head held high, and stay focused on the Mediator. GOOD LUCK! Going to go check out the link you posted..
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truebeliever says:
THANK YOU! learn the lesson- You are true to your name. I love your posts! You have truly learned so much and have much wisdom to share. Thank you for your help and wonderful positive attitude that you share daily. You are an inspiration to us all!
I will focus on the Mediator and conduct myself in a business manner. No emotional outbursts. Thanks again!
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