Emotional and psychological abusers: Coping with chaos and losing your balance
PDF By AlohaTraveler
I work at a children’s shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” first? In other words, it is complete and total chaos. I hate when they defer to me and ask what I saw. Ummm … I saw people running all over the place and balls bouncing and then someone shouted “TIME OUT!” Whom that was, I don’t know. Which team was it that was tagged first? What color was the ball that made the first impact? Sheesh! This is hard. I am a terrible referee! I can’t process all this information at once. EXACTLY.
Mental Gymnastics otherwise known as “Being Kept Off Balance” or “Crazy Making”
This is how it was with the Bad Man. Complete and total chaos. “Balls” coming at me from every direction and constantly being told I crossed the line somewhere. Just like with children, the rules and the lines were changing all the time. Breaking the “rules” was totally unavoidable. I couldn’t keep anything straight. He claimed I yelled at him. Did I? I don’t remember that. He claimed I was “out of line” and “out of control.” Was I? I wasn’t sure. I admit I was upset. I admit I was hurt. I became confused in the midst of the chaos. There was so much coming at me!
At first, I reacted to everything. However, it didn’t take long before I stopped reacting because I didn’t know what to react to. I often woke up to tirades over email and the sheer volume of accusations were just completely mind boggling. Sometimes, I tried to understand where he was coming from. Other times, I attempted to apologize but for what, I was not sure. Apologies never worked anyway. Bad Man would say, “You didn’t even apologize for the RIGHT thing.” Or “You missed something in your apology.” If I asked, “What did I miss?” he would tell me, “I am NOT going there with you.” Okay.
After one or two episodes in which I dared to be angered by his outrageous attacks and accusations, I changed my tactic because being angry and arguing my side made things worse. I began to be very careful. I had a sense that he was taking apart my reality but at the time, I didn’t really have words for that. Instinctively, I started stepping ever so carefully. It was not because I thought I could avoid the attacks coming out of him. I gave that idea up quickly. I became careful and measured with my words and my tone because I wanted to be sure of whom I was being in the moment. If I was mad or outraged, then I would be unsure of what I said and how I said it. So, I became a ZEN master of sorts. I stayed in the moment. I was careful not to lose my head in anger or frustration. That way, I could be sure, at least for myself, that I had not been out of control. Not that this made any difference.
A big part of emotional/psychological abuse is something called “keeping the victim off balance.” The abuser is always changing his demands, his rules, his desires. You will know you are being abused in this way when you are trying with all your might to make your partner happy, nothing you do is good enough and “everything is your fault.” You will know you are being abused when you are in constant defense of your character. You will know you are being abused when you ask yourself, “If he hates everything about me, then why does he stay?”
Reality Show
When I was with the Bad Man, I started to wish that everything that was happening between us was being recorded. That way, I could go back to the tapes when he started rewriting history to suit himself. I often asked myself, “How could he possibly say that is what happened?” If this sounds familiar, it’s a sure sign that you were deep in the throes of “Crazy Making.” As you start to doubt yourself, you begin to feel as if you are losing your mind. An Abuser’s version of what happened will be fixed like super glue with no room to budge an inch. Not one. This nearly drove me mad! The Bad Man was always imagining himself as the victim of me! And no amount of talking could convince him that he had any part in breakdown-of-the-day. ARGH!
I believe that anytime you notice these kinds of dynamics with anyone, a boss, your mother, a lover, it means something is wrong with them, not you. This is just my unscientific opinion. We all have room to grow but when suddenly, everything in the world is wrong with you, well, that doesn’t seem fair does it? Also, it’s fairly unlikely assuming you are a full grown adult with a life that was functioning before this person came into your life.
No Coping Strategies Will Work
Fairly early on in the relationship, I began to try to modify my behavior in order to please the Bad Man. I became very measured in my words and watched my tone of voice. I focused all my attention on being a pleasing machine. I tried to meet his outrageous demands and… (if you are easily offended, please don’t read the next phrase) had sex like a circus monkey. Even that didn’t work. Nothing worked! Nothing stopped him from getting mad at me. Nothing stopped him from living in his warped reality where I was evil and he was the victim of me and my “horrid” ways. It was so tiring.
I left the Bad Man and his chaos in search of my own peace and an answer. I found the answers I needed here at LoveFraud. Really. I am not trying to get points here. I needed this explanation and thank God I found it. I still don’t know all of the Bad Man’s secrets but I know the biggest one. Bad Man definitely has a personality disorder, or two. Since I am not a clinician, I am unsure if he qualifies as a sociopath. I am SURE he qualifies as a borderline and a narcissist. Not too long ago, I believed that but still felt a little uncomfortable stating it because I wondered if saying he was an abuser made me the “drama queen” that he said I was. Now I know that calling me “drama queen” was a way to discredit me to others and to make me doubt myself and my own perceptions. That’s just one of the things I know today. I also know something else. “Drama” and chaos seem to follow the Bad Man wherever he goes. To this day, anytime I hear a man say he is looking for a woman with “no drama” it makes me wonder… about the man.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
ElizabethBennett says:
Sky- that is just like I felt the other day when I lost my job again. I knew that I would be spending the weekend with N father and having to tell him and others that I failed. I was planning my suicide letter-UNTIL I thought about my cat. You DO want to die around N’s and Spaths. I felt “crazy” with my ex too.
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panther says:
Yes, I think this should be in the survivor manual or something. If you want to die every time he comes around, probably there is something VERY wrong with HIM or THEM or whoever it is.
I have dealt with many spaths, I now know. The first was my P father, and I can pinpoint the moment this correlation began. The first time I ever thought of suicide, it was when I had run away from home….and he caught me (literally walked up to me on the streets and handcuffed me). Then I thought I’d rather die. And after that, I remember a few other times I felt this way….there was ALWAYS a spath in my life.
Skylar, don’t you ever wonder if she DIDN’T kill herself? What if the shit he was planning with YOU he actually PULLED OFF with her and made it look like a suicide? Maybe he actually murdered her and you were his second attempt! That might even explain how you were able to catch him. Murderers usually get cocky after they succeed, and thus they get a bit sloppy. How did she die? It’s very possible he killed her, I think. After everything you’ve told me, this could have been blatant murder, which would explain why he got so furious when you suggested that he had driven her to it. Remember how he responded whenever you accused him of lying? And he WAS lying….
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Ox Drover says:
Panther,
Yep, they keep us off balance. Sometimes I felt like those people who are lumber jacks and compete in those “log rolling” contests where they are standing on a log which is floated in water and they have to keep the log rolling under their feet.
If they lose coordination for one second they land in the water. That’s what the psychopaths do to us, keep us off balance so that we can’t keep up the “dance” without losing our balance.
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skylar says:
Panther,
that’s an interesting thought, about her killing herself.
I’ll tell you the details that I know.
Her name was Teri and she was a meter maid. It’s possible that spath targeted her because he absolutely hated metermaids. I say that because he was always getting parking tickets and raging about it.
Anyway, he told me that one night they were sleeping at her apartment when someone broke in and started slashing at them and everything in the apartment with a pizza cutter that had been welded so the wheel didn’t turn. He chased them around the apartment slashing at them and then ran away. I never asked for more details because when spath was telling me this story, it was in such a way, that I could tell he was lying but I didn’t NOT believe him. I just didn’t know what part was a lie.
The red flag in the story is that spath is a welder and BTW, who notices that the mechanism on a sharp pizza cutter is welded when you are being chased around an apartment, running for your life? So anyway, I believe that he set it up and it was a spath friend of his who broke in.
That is not how she died though. Spath said that one day she just walked out onto a busy street and got hit by a car. He said it was suicide.
I’m now thinking she was being chased – again.
My spath also had his spath minions move into 5 of the homes around me. Two more homes are occupied by people who are spaths and also his minions, but I don’t think he had anything to do with them moving there.
I never met any of them, (or suspected that they were his minions) until I was elected as secretary for our neighborhood association. This was a surprise to spath. But 2 years later, several of them also ran for positions on the board. They proceeded to try and sabotage everything I did.
But when you think about the fact that I was not intended to meet them in the first place, then what is most probable is that he was thinking about creating a scenario where I was being chased around and would bang on the neighbors doors and nobody would answer.
Furthermore, he had the police hating me. He pretended to hate cops because he’s a drug dealer, but the truth is that he spent lots of time hanging out at the local cop shop (his friends told me this later).
When I reported stolen packages from my mailbox, the cop didn’t want to take the report and said, “Oh you just want your pound of flesh, don’t you?” When I finally left him the cops kept calling me demanding that I drive to their office to prove I was me. WTF?
When you look at the way he was arranging his pawns on the chess board, you can pretty much surmise ONE of his strategies.
The other thing he was doing was stealing my sleeping pills and telling everyone that I was a suicidal, pill popping drunk. “Just like Marilyn Monroe”. So again, we can see the strategy that he was setting up. It’s not that complicated to perceive.
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panther says:
So, the details you know about how she died came from him? Hmmm. And have you checked any of the facts? Do you know if she even existed? (Man, after dealing with my ex, I will ask EVERYTHING post-spath-tale because I don’t believe a word that comes out of a spath-mouth anymore).
I wouldn’t be surprised
if he had chased her around the house with the pizza cutter and there never was a 2nd person.
if she had been pushed into the street.
if she never existed
if she had existed and is STILL ALIVE today.
if she died by a pill overdose and the story he told you was total bullshit.
You can tell what kind of a liar my ex was just by how vast in range my suspicions are here. My ex had made up tons and tons of women who had never existed, he had photos of them, he received emails from them and he talked on the phone with them right in front of me. They never existed. He had fabricated every person and story. He had written emails to himself. He had talked on the phone with no one, just dead air.
So, anything that comes out of the mouth of a spath is subject to being absolute, total, and complete bs on every level. Based on everything you’ve told me about your ex, I’d put some money on the idea that he killed her. She didn’t kill herself, if she existed.
Wanna hear something seriously creepy? When I first asked my ex how he and Spath #2 (his best friend) had met, he said they met at a court hearing about a girl at their high school who had committed suicide. They were both suspected of driving her to it. That is how they met, during the investigation of her death. I looked this girl up and she did exist, she did commit suicide, and she did go to his high school. All his high school friends confirm this story. Him and his best friend, spath #2, got off the hook, and they have been inseparable friends ever since. It sounds like something out of a damn movie it’s so creepy.
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skylar says:
Panther,
I totally get what you mean.
There can be truths woven into their lies, so everything is doubtable. But after 25 years with him, I kind of have a feel for the way he lies. And the other thing about him, is that , like Superkids’s spath, he really likes to “live out” his lies. He likes to set up the props and put the wheels in motion.
Like for example, if he tells you he flys a helicopter for a living, you might think he is lying because that’s exactly the kind of lie that a spath would tell. But in fact it’s true. The part that is a lie, is that he doesn’t even have a pilot’s license. But who would believe that?
So based on the WAY that my spath lies, and also on the things that he was doing to me, I can surmise some approximation of the truth about Teri.
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Jen says:
I hate dodge ball! They make my daughter play at PE, and she always comes home bruised or hurt somewhere from it. It seems like such a barbaric game for kids to play. It is like an old war scene with one side against the other, each dodging the bullets.
Panther your ex sounds so scary! Sky, I wouldn’t doubt it if he didn’t kill her, too!
My aunt and my 6 yo cousin were murdered by her husband. He made it look like a suicide and he got away with it. He even wrote a note, but it wasn’t her writing and sounded nothing like my aunt. He tried to make it look like she was crazy, and he did. Although, we didn’t buy it and I guess none of their neighbors did either. They got the case reopened, but nothing ever came out of it. He got a lot of insurance money, and then he moved to CA and remained a woman who looked a lot like my aunt.
I would like to write a book about it or even share more details with you guys. I just worry my life would be short lived if I did. He is a big scary man, and he did have the police paid off where he killed them.
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Ox Drover says:
Jen, some schools have banned dodge ball as a “game” because of the violence of it, and yes, kids do get hurt in that game. I agree it is not a game that should be played in schools. There are too many other games in which there is no violence directed at others.
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TruthBTold says:
I changed my screen name, and I think I will go ahead and share my aunts story. I have hidden myself from my ex spath so well that I think it would be crazy hard if not impossible to find me right now. People need to know how sick these Spaths can be!
So, still me, but better to be a little safe with such a small change.
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Ox Drover says:
Welcome TruthBTold! Goodbye whoever you were! You are a different person now since the experience and telling the truth does set us free!
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ErinBrock says:
If there are lessons for others and empowerment for us…..stand up and talk!
I think spaths silience us because the ‘can’. They don’t know what to do and won’t kill unless they can get away with it.
I suspect…..that this sort of spath wouldn’t go around killing ‘just anyone’……but those whom he had a gain (insurance money) and easy access to portray them as the ‘crazy ones’.
I think it’s important for all of us to not OWN what a spath has done…..no matter how dramatic.
If spaths were afraid of us all (socieity) from speaking……they’d have to change and knotch up their approach!
Welcome TRuthBTold……..Free yourself and talk!
You are so full of wisdom and power…..I enjoy your posts!
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Ox Drover says:
Hey, EB!! Guess what? Erin Brockovitch spoke in my town last weekend. I didn’t know about it until it was over or I would have popped for the $10 ticket and gone to see her!
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ErinBrock says:
Oh…..Bummer! She’s KICK ASS!!!
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Ox Drover says:
Yea, I know and I was disappointed that I didn’t know about it until I read it in the Sunday paper after it was on Saturday. Oh, well, maybe next time. She’s my hero!!!!
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peggywhoever says:
Aloha:
Your words are true…I have found through my (thousands of hours) of research that sometimes we cannot pigeon-hole a pathological person as a “sociopath,” “psychopath,” “borderline,” or “narcissist” as there is much crossover in Cluster B personality disorders. However, we do know with certainty that they are “Bad Men” (or women) and very unhealthy for us.
I am so happy for you that you found the answers you sought at Lovefraud, Aloha. Lovefraud articles, participation, readership, and blogging has grown so much these past few years! Yay, that means knowledge and awareness is increasing. Thank you Aloha, for your article, and kudos to you for your continuing education and research. Ultimately I believe your experience with the Bad Man will lead you on a path to educating, helping, and counseling others.
And thank you, Donna, Oxy, and the Lovefraud team for the tremendous service you provide.
Peggywhoever
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Peggy, so glad to see your handle on the blog again! Your posts have been so supportive to me and I know that others have appreciated them as well!
My understanding is that Aloha graduates in May of next year with her masters and will be licensed as a therapist. I’m so proud of what she has accomplished in these years that I have “known” her here at Love Fraud. She was one of the first bloggers here and one of the first to welcome me here when I came here 4 + years ago.
Climbing the mountain of understanding is one hand hold or toe hold at a time, just like my son climbing up a rock face. You dig in where you can find a place to support yourself. Aloha provided many of those toe and finger holds for me to climb, and so have you, Peggy! Glad you are still here! (((hugs))))
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peggywhoever says:
Thanks much, Oxy. Always a pleasure to “visit” with you! Yes, Aloha will complete her (M.S.W. I believe) in May of 2011. I too am very proud of her!
In my opinion, Oxy, you have been the official greeter and support person at Lovefraud for many years now (not to mention you are a spectacular and spot-on author!) . I applaud your efforts.
Blessings and Peace,
Peggywhoever
P.S. As an aside, the more I have learned about Cluster B disorders, I have recognized that I am not only a Psycho Magnet in the past, but still hypervigilant in finding them! I am officially learning to enjoy my “not dating by choice” status!
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Peggy,
Yea, the “not dating by choice” status is an interesting way to look at it.
My son D is going to an auction tonight with me and one of my friends (my age) and we were teasing him about his Having TWO old women for “dates” and that we are the “only dates” he can get, but he came back at us and said, “you are the only two dates I can get that I WOULD go out with” LOL It is amazing to me that at age 34, and being a VERY attractive man with girls from ages 18 up drooling over him, that he is at least as PICKY ABOUT WHO HE DATES as I am….so right now that means he is going out with me and my friends my age or his male buddies or his female “friends only”! LOL
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callmeathena says:
Sweet kid!!!
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Ox Drover says:
Athena, yea he is and danged if we didn’t laugh our heads off last night….had the greatest time “people watching” which is of course great entertainment. My friend won the drawing for the coconut cream pie (home baked) and I got to see folks I haven’t seen from our community in quite some time (since I’ve spent so much time back in the woods since the “Summer of Chaos.”) I’m just getting to be a real “gad about” going out 2-3 times a week besides a weekly trip to Wal Mart or GoodWill. I wish my hair would go white quicker so I could be a “blue haired old lady”!!! LOL
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callmeathena says:
it sounds like you are in a mich better place oxy.
What was the summer of chaos?
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KatyDid says:
Actually Oxy,
When you write about your husband’s character and your son D’s character, I think it obvious that one comes from the other. We get so swallowed up here on LF with lamenting the infection of one spath generation onto another. I think in our pain and confusion, we miss appreciating the blessing that there are good people with strong good characters begetting offspring with strong good characters… Seems to me that any woman who gains your son D’s good favor will be a woman blessed for the rest of her life. That realization has put me in a wonderful mood. Think I’ll use my feelings to do perform some blessings for myself this afternoon.
Wish I lived near you. I’d bake that man a chocolate cake.
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MiLo says:
Oxy ~ just had to tell you he sounds just like my youngest. I had offered he and a high school friend use of our cabin in the mountains a couple of years ago. When I was discussing how things at the cabin worked, he said “I don’t need to know, you’re coming too, aren’t you?” I felt so good, both of these boys really wanted me. They did all the cooking and insisted I didn’t lift a finger. We had a wonderful time while hubby stayed home with Grand.
He is over 6 foot and I am barely 5 foot, he calls me his “little mom”. He too refuses to “settle” when it comes to girls, thank God.
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Ox Drover says:
Milo, you know it is wonderful to see a MAN refuse to SETTLE or to sleep with every girl who comes along and would willingly crawl into his bed in a “new york minute.” You know it makes me very ANGRY when people sort of “insinuate” that he is gay or there is something wrong with HIM because he has not already lived with 5 women out of wedlock, or has not slept with every woman who is willing to spread her legs for any “cute guy.” I’m not saying he’s a “Saint” but he sure is a GOOD MAN, and he is one who is not coming home saying “Mom where did you say the STD clinic was again?” or calling and saying “Mom would you call a bail bondsman?” or “Mom can I have some money?” I AM proud of him that’s for sure!!! But I don’t take “credit” for him, I am just grateful that God saw fit to gift me with a WONDERFUL son in my old age, sometimes I feel like Job (in the Bible, not Steve Job) and feel fortunate that I have a son of my old age that I can be proud of, in place of the one That Satan took. I am glad that you too have been blessed MiLo.
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moveingon says:
Please ..please all you out there stay safe. I have recently exposed the spath, as a consequence all emails to my phone stopped at 4.05pm on Wednesday 9th Nov; he had hacked my account. It is now in the hands of the police. Every and I mean every account (as we all use the same p/w) has been hacked into.
The spath now knows where my daughter is. Please, and I mean please all of you out there take care ..they stop at nothing.
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strongawoman says:
skylar ….I like your analogy “pawns on a chessboard”. My ex loved chess. A game of strategy and deception and being one step ahead of your opponent? He even played it online…..amongst other games he played online I was to discover ultimately. He was clever, cunning like a fox. Don’t they kill all the chickens even though they only devour one? Vile vile vile man
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skylar says:
strongawoman,
it was an analogy, but at the same time, I remember that he once gave me a “tell”. He said, “I’m really good at chess.”
I thought it was strange because he DIDN’T PLAY CHESS.
In the 25 years together, I never saw him with a chess board or pieces. Not once. He was telling me that he was a manipulator who uses people as pawns. Typical spath tell.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Movingon,
MOVE ON!!!! STAY SAFE! WHATEVER IT TAKES! Even if it is run with the clothes on your back and your kid on your hip! God bless.
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moveingon says:
Thanks Oxy, my daughter is 18, taller than me and at university! Last week we went to meet the Duke of Edinburgh for her to collect her gold medal from him at St Jame’s palace in London. The duke is shorter than you think, and my daughter says he has a face like a walnut ..he is 90!! It was wonderful to see her face glowing when he spoke to her about her expedition. She looked particularly fetching in the dress I had bought for me, which she ‘borrowed’!!
Moments like that are memories to be cherished, can’t say the ladies bathroom was up to much ..but hey!!
I am on super alert and thank you for your concern.
When you’re going through hell – keep going! ~ Winston Churchill
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Movingon,
WOW!!! TOWANDA for your daughter and for you as well! Glad that you are blessed with such a high achieving daughter! As for the Duke, well, I hope I’m still ABOVE the dirt at 90, and if I look MORE LIKE a walnut than I do NOW, that’s okay too! LOL
You know, the psychopaths miss out on such great memories as these, the sharing of special times to be cherished! They don’t even REALIZE what they have missed, can’t appreciate what they have NOT had. I guess in a way they are like a person who is tone deaf, and can’t appreciate music, or color blind and can’t appreciate the fall leaves. How can you describe these things they miss? No way. I’m glad that YOU can appreciate it though, and glad that you have the opportunity. My son is an “honor student at the state justice department of correction prison.” LOL I guess laughing about that is the best I can do with him at this point, but I am PROUD OF YOUR DAUGHTER, AND OF YOU! (((hugs)))
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strongawoman says:
Dear Ox,
I think they….the spaths do know what they’re missing out on. To a degree. My ex used to be so jealous of my relationship with my grown up daughters….not his children…. thank the Lord. He used to say “I want what you have.” No chance I thought. You will NEVER have that. And it frustrated him beyond belief. He couldn’t have it ……he wanted it so much and he was envious. Good!I win….in a small way. Good.
Go boil your head as we say here. Pah
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moveingon says:
Strongawoman …jealousy emanates out of his very being; last week he told a judge ‘my daughter is thick, she needs to get a job’. My daughter is studying physics at a world class university; and the judge had the evidence in front of him!! The judge looked at him with such disgust ..
Oxy, you do make me laugh ..perhaps you can make a medal for your son ..’highest achiever at being caught’ …perhaps not ..he’d probably wear it ..lol
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Ox Drover says:
Strongawoman,
My husband was color blind, and it was difficult for us to communicate about color. When I looked at a scene full of colors, I didn’t know WHAT he “saw,” versus what I “saw”—he knew at least intellectually that I saw things he didn’t –things that were “invisible” to him–but it was difficult for me to imagine not seeing those things. I think with bonding and emotional connections, the psychopaths who have limited bonding and emotional attachment know that we have something they don’t but they aren’t quite sure what it is, or what it “looks” or “feels” like, and we, by the same token, can’t imagine life without that bonding and attachment to others.
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Ox Drover says:
Moviing on,
LOL I saw a bumper sticker here once that said “My kid can beat up your honor student” and I wanted to get one! LOL I’m at a point now where most days I CAN laugh about my “honor student” at the state prison, and danged if he isn’t pretty thick about getting away with things. With all his through the roof high IQ he is the dumbest criminal I’ve ever known except the bank robber who wrote the note demanding money on the back of his deposit slip with his name and address on the other side of the slip. LOL
I can imagine what the judge thought of your X’s idea of your daughter being “thick” with that course of study! LOL
It is amazing to me that someone who IS “SMART” in a conventional IQ test way is SO DUMB that he has never gotten away with a single crime for more than a day or two….and yet, he still IMAGINES himself such a “winner” and so “smart” in how the world works. He just does NOT get it that he is nothing more in this world than a COMMON low-life criminal and that NO one except a common criminal who is beneath him would even think there is ANYTHING about him to “admire.” He is 40+ years old and has never accomplished anything in this world, never owned anything, had a life, a school degree, NOTHING of merit in this world and that’s a “success?” (head shaking here) Talk about a reality check? He needs one for sure. So does your x.
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strongawoman says:
Yeh moving on you are sooooo right! We have to get our victories in small ways and my spath CRAVED the closeness I have with my girls…..prob with some perverse feeling too urgh. But he wanted to feel that love that I get. Nope! He ain’t gettin it. HahahahaaHhaa ….keep looking keep searching keep losing. Loser …..
In every sense of the word he is
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strongawoman says:
And …. Just wanted to add. Ahem! He still trying to contact me via text and am still ignoring. He said this morning that he was goin to kidnap me….so he could talk to me. OMG…….WTF?
Advice pls?
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strongawoman says:
Dear Ox, “I saw things he didn’t” …….how eloquently phrased. Thank you
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skylar says:
strongawoman,
you need to report that to the police.
While I don’t believe he will do it, because they never tell the truth about anything, I do believe that he is up to something.
Do not respond to him. Simply save that text message and report it to the police.
We both know that he wants drama, so don’t give him any. Instead, give him rope: let him email and text you with as many threats as he likes while you save the messages and report them to build a case against him.
You never know when you will need it.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Strongawoman,
I agree with Skylar, he is probably just “threatening” but you never know….he may think it is “funny” or a “joke” but IT IS TERRORISTIC THREATENING and in the US that is a felony….so take your phone to the police and tell them that this man is your X and you are afraid of him. File a police report, if he keeps on file a restraining order, stalking is also a felony. Show him you mean business, not “drama”!
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strongawoman says:
Skylar thanks for the advice, mush appreciated. Although I think it is a ploy to get me to engage with him I do take the threat seriously …..in that my door is locked. At all times. He has threatened to come to my place of work as well. I told him my boss would ring the police and he ….spath would be labelled as a stalker. I am vigilant. I am hyper vigilant. He’s mad
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strongawoman says:
Thanks Ox, am in the UK so not sure what our police would make of it? I am certainly jumpy. Result for him the SOB
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skylar says:
strongawoman,
don’t worry about what the police will make of it. Simply submit the evidence and file a report.
Insist that a report be filed. This is just part of gathering as much proof as possible that he is a dangerous person. When enough has been gathered, you are more likely to get the appropriate response from the police.
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strongawoman says:
Skylar thanks. I’m scared of his reaction. If I go to the police will they go to his house? I’m trying to ignore him the best i can. I am ignoring him. I don’t want to provoke him.
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strongawoman says:
He’s violent. He is vengeful. He used to break things when I lived with him. Punch Walls, doors. Am trying to remain calm but it scares me. He was controlled though so I think well …he knows what he’s doing? My previous partner wasn’t controlled …..he would lash out. My life has been punctuated by mad men. …god
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skylar says:
I totally get that. I was the same way when I left my spath. I didn’t have anyone to help me deal with it calmly. The other problem I had was that he actually had the COPS in my county involved in harrassing me. So I called the FBI.
Yes, the FBI thought I was nuts, but they stayed on the phone with me. One time, I was being screamed at by a county cop, whom I had asked for help. He said he was off duty and screamed at me to get off his property. He cussed at me and threatened me. I had the FBI on the phone. Then I held out the cellphone to him, “I have the FBI on the phone and they want to talk to you.”
He turned white, and literally ran back into his house. No the FBI still didn’t believe me but at least all my phone calls and attempts at making reports are listed SOMEWHERE.
Your questions can only be answered by the police themselves. Hopefully you will find sympathetic ones, who can help you make sense of this. At the very least, the more people you talk to, the more information you will gather, right?
If you make a police report and he finds out, he will actually be pleased because he’ll like the excuse for drama. But you still hold the cards because you can refuse to have contact with him or react emotionally. Continue NC and gray rock. They work.
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callmeathena says:
Sky, I was reading the pizza cutter story on another recent thread. His former girlfriend. Do you have any reason to think that YOU weren’t second verse, same as the first? Meaning, he did the same thing to her, and off’ed her, as he tried to do on you?
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skylar says:
Athena,
there was a girl he lived with between Terri and I, AFAIK. Marla. She was with him for 5 years and escaped, literally.
The story he told me was that she was “volitile” and “not very smart”. “Other people” easily manipulated her. They had a fight one night. She jumped into her car and it was raining. He jumped on his motorcycle and followed her. They were both driving at high speed. He, of course, was trying to “stop her so she wouldn’t have an accident – being as dumb as she was. ”
Well the spath got his just desserts. He lost control of his motorcycle going around a curve. Broke his clavical. HAHA! ended up in the hospital. LOL!
That story is sort of like the type fishermen tell of “the one that got away!” But I was so naive that I didn’t notice how sick and bizarre it is for a man to attempt to run down his girlfriend in a high speed chase. I just ate up his BS, hook, line and sinker.
I think he killed Terri and was trying to kill Marla and I was next. Even if he didn’t actually set her up to die in traffic, and even if she really chose to die, I know that HE was the motivating force behind the emotions that caused her death. That much, I know for a fact, because he tried to slime me with the same emotions.
The reason he waited 25 years for me is because I was such good supply. When I stopped, he had plans for me. But by then, I had been observing him and putting all those observations in the WTF? bucket. Then a chance meeting with a man who explained spaths to me and the internet, saved my life. Once I knew what he was, he lost power over me. All his lies became transparent.
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callmeathena says:
So, in the end, then, Sky, you know the root cause behind her death, even if you’re not super clear on the details. HE was the root cause.
I am so glad you got out alive.
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Ox Drover says:
Strongawoman,
If he is violent, all the more reason to contact the police and file a report. ASK them what they will do or will not do. I know in the UK the laws and police are a bit different than here but if he is violent all the more reason to show him you are going to the police and taking his THREATS SERIOUSLY.
You are NOT going to appease him by just hiding from him, he will up the ante to get a response from you. BE SAFE. Talk to the police at least for advice. (((hugs))) and God bless.
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moveingon says:
Strongawoman, I am in the UK, please do as Oxy says, go the police, no hysterics, just explain this is unwanted harassment, 2 strikes of unwanted contact and he will be prosecuted for harassment, or at least cautioned. You need to protect yourself. You see too many reports of women being murdered, because the police did not take the threats seriously or when they did or the victim did, it was sadly too late.
They are by law obliged to investigate and you certainly should insist they do. Your well being is far more important than his, you have a family; he clearly has nothing.
Stay strong (((hugs)))
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