After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 5-Getting Angry
PDF Healing from an emotional trauma or extended traumatic experience is a like a long, intimate dance with reality. Or perhaps a three-act ballet. We are on the stage of our own minds, surrounded by the props of our lives, dancing to the music of our emotions. Our memories flash on the backdrop or float around like ribbons in the air. Down below the stage, in the orchestra pit, a chorus puts words to the feelings and gives us advice drawn from our parents’ rules, our church’s rules, all the rules from the movies and books and conversations that have ever colored our thinking.
And our job is to dance our way through the acts.
The first act is named “Magic Thinking.” We stumble onto the stage, stunned, confused and in pain. Our first dance is denial – the “it doesn’t matter” dance. Our second dance is bargaining – the “maybe I can persuade whoever is in power to fix this” dance. The third and last dance before the intermission is anger.
This article is about anger.
The emotional spine
Everyone here who has gone through the angry phase knows how complex it is. We are indignant, bitter, sarcastic, outraged, waving our fiery swords of blame. We are also — finally — articulate, funny, re-asserting power over our lives. We are hell on wheels, demanding justice or retribution. We are also in transition between bargaining and letting go, so all this is tinged with hope on one side and grief on the other.
Anger really deserves a book, rather than a brief article. It is the end of the first act of our healing, because it really changes everything – our way of seeing, our thinking, our judgments, the way we move forward. Like the element of fire, it can be clarifying, but it can also be destructive. To complicate the situation further, many (if not all of us) tended to repress our anger before we entered this healing process.
So it may be helpful to discuss what anger is, where it comes from. What we call anger is part of a spectrum of reactions that originates in the oldest part of our brain. The brain stem, sometimes called the lizard brain, oversees automatic survival mechanisms like breathing, heartbeat, hunger, sleep and reproduction. It also generates powerful emotional messages related to survival.
These messages travel through increasingly sophisticated layers of our emotional and intellectual processing. One of those layers, the limbic system or mammal brain, is where we keep memories of good and bad events, and work out how to maximize pleasure and avoid pain (often through addictive strategies). The messages pass through this layer on the way to our cerebral cortex.
There in the thinking layer, we name things and organize them. We maintain concepts of community and identity (right and left brain), and we manipulate them continually to run our lives as thinking, self-aware beings. Beyond the thinking brain is the even more advanced area of the frontal cortex, which maintains our awareness of the future, interconnectivity (holistic thinking), and the “high level” views that further moderate our primitive responses into philosophic and spiritual meanings.
What our thinking brains name “anger” is actually a sensation of physical and emotional changes caused by the brain stem in reaction to perceived danger. The spectrum of those danger-related sensations roughly includes alertness, fear and anger. While our higher brain may see a purpose in separating fear and anger into different categories, our lizard brain doesn’t make those distinctions. It just keeps altering our hormones and brain chemicals for all kinds of situations, depending on its analysis of what we need to do to survive.
The point of this long digression is this: alertness-fear-anger responses are a normal part of our ability to survive. They travel “up” into our higher processing as the strong spine of our survival mechanism. There is nothing wrong with feeling them. In fact, paying attention to them is better for us in every way than ignoring our feelings (denial) or trying to delude ourselves about what is happening (bargaining).
The many forms of anger
One of the most interesting things about the English language is its many verb forms, which express various conditions of timeliness and intent. I can. I could. I could have. I would have. I might have. I should have. I will. I might. I was going to.
Those same factors of timeliness and intent can be found in the many facets of anger. Bitterness and resentment are simmering forms of anger related to past and unhealed hurts. Likewise sarcasm and passive-aggressive communications are expressions of old disappointment or despair. Frustration is a low-level form of anger, judging a circumstance or result as unsatisfactory. Contempt and disgust are more pointed feelings associated with negative judgments.
When anger turns into action, we have explosive violence, plans for future revenge and sabotage. When anger is turned on ourselves, we have depression and addictions. The judgments associated with anger foster black-and-white thinking, which can be the basis for bias and all kinds of “ism’s,” especially if the anger is old, blocked for some reason, and thus diffuse or not directed primarily at its source. This typically happens when we feel disempowered to defend ourselves.
All of that sounds pretty terrible and toxic. But, in fact, the most toxic forms of anger are the ones in which the anger is not allowed to surface. The lizard brain does not stop trying to protect us until we deal with the threat, and so we live with the brain chemicals and hormones of anger until we do.
Anger can also be healthy. The anger of Jesus toward the money changers in the temple is a model of righteous anger. In response to trauma, righteous anger is a crucial part of the healing process. Anger has these characteristics:
• Directed at the source of the problem
• Narrowly focused and dominating our thinking
• Primed for action
• Intensely aware of personal resources (internal and environmental)
• Willing to accept minor losses or injuries to win
Anger is about taking care of business. At its most primitive level, anger is what enables us to defend our lives, to kill what would kill us. In modern times, it enables us to meet aggression with aggression in order to defend ourselves or our turf. We expect to feel pain in these battles, but we are fighting to win.
However, anger also has its exhilaration, a sense of being in a moment where we claim our own destiny. For those of us who have been living through the relatively passive and self-defeating agony of denial and bargaining, anger can feel wonderful.
As it should, because anger is the expression of our deepest self, rejecting this new reality. We are finally in speaking-up mode. We are finally taking in our situation and saying, “No! I don’t want this. I don’t like it. I don’t like you for creating this in my life. I don’t like how it feels. I don’t like what I’m getting out of it. And if it doesn’t stop this instant, I want you out of my life.”
Getting over our resistance to anger
Of course, we don’t exactly say that when we’re inside the relationship. In fact, we don’t exactly think it, even when we’re out of the relationship. And why is that? Because – and this only my theory, but it seems to be born out here on LoveFraud – people who get involved with sociopaths are prone to suppress their anger, because they are afraid of it, ashamed of it, or confused about its meaning.
When faced with a painful situation, they suppress their inclination to judge the situation in terms of the pain they’re experiencing, and instead try to understand. They try to understand the other person. They try to understand the circumstances. They try to interpret their own pain through all kinds of intellectual games to make it something other than pain. To an extent, this could be described as the bargaining phase. But for most of us, this is a bargaining phase turned into a life strategy. It’s an unfinished response to a much earlier trauma that we have taken on as a way of life.
Which is very good for the sociopath, who can use it to gaslight us while s/he pursues private objectives of looting our lives for whatever seems useful or entertaining. Until we have nervous breakdowns or die, or wake up.
We can all look at the amount of time it took us to wake up, or the difficulty we’re having waking up, at evidence of how entrenched we’ve been in our avoidance of our own anger. It retrospect, it is an interesting thing to review. Why didn’t we kick them out of our lives the first time they lied or didn’t show up? Why didn’t we throw their computer out of the window when we discovered their profiles on dating sites? Why didn’t we cut off their money when we discovered they were conning us? Why didn’t we spit in their eye when they insulted us? Why didn’t we burn their clothes on the driveway the first time they were unfaithful?
Because we were too nice to do that? Well, anger is the end of being nice. It may be slow to emerge. We may have to put all the pieces together in our heads, until we decide that yes, maybe we do have the right to be angry. Yes, they were bad people. No, we didn’t deserve it. And finally, we are mad. At them.
Anger in our healing process
Anger is the last phase of magical thinking. We are very close to a realistic appraisal of reality. The only thing “magical” about it is this: no amount of outrage or force we can exert on the situation can change it. The sociopath is not going to change. We cannot change the past, or the present we are left with.
But anger has its own gifts. First and foremost is that we identify the external cause of our distress. We place our attention where it belongs at this moment – on the bad thing that happened to us and the bad person who caused it.
Second, we reconnect with our own feelings and take them seriously. This is the beginning of repairing our relationships with ourselves, which have often become warped and shriveled with self-hatred and self-distrust when we acted against our own interests in our sociopathic relationships.
Third, anger is a clarifying emotion. It gives us a laser-like incisiveness. It may not seem so when we are still struggling with disbelief or self-questioning or resentment accumulated through the course of the relationship. But once we allow ourselves to experience our outrage and develop our loathing for the behavior of the sociopath, we can dump the burden of being understanding. We can feel the full blazing awareness that runs through all the layers of brain, from survival level through our feelings through our intellect and through our eyes as we look at that contemptible excuse for a human being surrounded by the wreckage s/he creates. Finally our brains are clear.
And last, but at least as important as the rest, is the rebirth of awareness of personal power that anger brings. Anger is about power. Power to see, to decide, to change things. We straighten up again from the long cringe, and in the action-ready brain chemicals of anger, we surprise ourselves with the force of our ability and willingness to defend ourselves. We may also surprise ourselves with the violent fantasies of retribution and revenge we discover in ourselves. (Homicidal thoughts, according to my therapist, are fine as long as we don’t act on them.)
It is no wonder that, for many of us, the angry phase is when we learn to laugh again. Our laughter may be bitter when it is about them. But it can be joyous about ourselves, because we are re-emerging as powerful people.
The main thing we do with this new energy is blaming. Though our friends and family probably will not enjoy this phase (because once we start blaming, it usually doesn’t stop at the sociopath), this is very, very important. Because in blaming, we also name what we lost. When we say “you did this to me,” we are also saying, “Because of you, I lost this.”
Understanding what has changed – what we lost – finally releases us from magical thinking and brings us face to face with reality. For many of us this is an entirely new position in our personal relationships. In the next article, we’ll discuss how anger plays out in our lives.
Until then, I hope you honor your righteous anger, casting blame wherever its due. And take a moment to thank your lizard brain for being such a good friend to you.
Namaste. The healing warrior in me salutes the healing warrior in you.
Kathy
written by Kathleen Hawk • Permalink •
skylar says:
coping,
a quick google on alligator dreams, found this:
To see a wild alligator or a crocodile in your dream, foretells a new beginning or changes in your waking life, this dream can also indicate danger in some way. If you do not kill the alligator then this dream may not be favorable, this is a dream of caution.
The alligator or crocodile within your dream can also highlight your intuition, your spiritual insights and spiritual steps that you need to take in the forthcoming future. As mentioned before, because of its association with religion the alligator can mean that negative aspects signify a danger which will shortly come into your life.
So you were right, there is a religious/spiritual aspect to your dream. For me, books in dreams signify the story of your life. The man’s old book was an old story, but talking about a new book means taking life in a new direction.
Coping, here’s a weird one for you. Do you realize that August 25 (today) is the 237th day of the year? Maybe the book was This Year. Go buy a lottery ticket! choose the number 237.
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coping says:
Wow!! I’ll think about that one. Very interesting take. Thanks. Lol.. I do play the lotto occasionally and NEVER win. Totally weird about 237.Well if today was the day to get one I’m out of luck because my baby is sleeping. Ohh well I’ll get one for the next draw just for fun.
. Maybe someone else should play today. You never know!? Lol just send me a postcard with a victorious spath story. 
.
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panther says:
Just wanted to ask…does anyone know if/where a post about stage 6 of healing is?
I am in the anger stage and I don’t like being this pissed off at someone all the time. When can I expect a less dramatic emotion to come along? How long till I stop fantasizing about locking him in a dungeon and such? It’s draining to be so angry, but when I remember…..oh, I get so mad! The things he did and basically got away with! Justice can NEVER be served. He made out with a lot of valuables from his looting of my life and soul, and there is no legal court to process a broken heart, so when will I stop being angry and what comes next?
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panther says:
Just had a thought. I wish I could actually sue him for Crimes Against Humanity in the International Criminal Court.
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coping says:
I woke up today for the first time in months feeling good… I think I’m getting beyond the pain and finally starting to feel the anger. I for one am so finally happy the spath is gone. I laughed at skaylars post about word salads. My spath did the same. Lol..omg he was not only mean but stupid. I remember the crazy things he used to do or say and I can actually laugh about it. My spath was a “jumper” as in he would jump out of the car when getting upset. It didnt matter how far we were from home as he would insist on walking. Pity he never did this while we were moving at fast speeds. Omg he also told me Canada owned antartica (as in the continent) lol he also said that alligators could run 75 mph.. Lol. I dont know but I’ve never been cruising 75 on the highway and seen a gator keeping up with the car. Lol.. Lord help me. Thank god he’s gone!!
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Vidya says:
I have experienced the denial (he will come back, it’s not really over, he will call soon because he misses me), the bargaining (praying it will somehow work out) and currently inhabit the anger phase.
I did get angry sometimes in the denial and the bargaining phases but now it’s full-throttle, fifth gear, wide-open anger.
Our time here is limited and precious. I am ANGRY about him wasting my time, and therefore a part of my life, I cannot get back.
I am ANGRY that I was happy before I met him and when he exited my life I was left shattered and devastated.
I am ANGRY he was pursuing another relationship while we were still together and therefore had a girlfriend a week or two after our split…and that it seems as if he is incredibly sweet to her while he was a monster to me!
I am ANGRY he has no shred of guilt or remorse over how he treated me and that he will never, ever be able to understand or comprehend how he affected me.
I am ANGRY that the same lack of empathy and guilt which caused him to treat me as expendable will also be responsible for his inability to ever realize what a horrible person he is and has been.
I am ANGRY he never took me on a date or bought me Christmas gifts or a Valentine gift or flowers…and somehow his lack of thoughtfulness was MY fault.
I am ANGRY his new girlfriend got flowers from him within the first month!
I am ANGRY I overlooked his many faults and was patient with him hoping for the best and he never afforded the same to me.
I am ANGRY he blamed the entire demise of the relationship on me when I was the one walking on eggshells, losing sleep and yet still promised him to make changes to myself to make him happy, yet it wasn’t enough.
I am ANGRY I forgave him for so much yet never got a shred of understanding or sympathy in return.
I am ANGRY he was ever born…about his very existence.
I am ANGRY he instantly continued his life as if I was never part of it–except the fact he saved a lot of money while staying with me so he could move into an expensive apartment.
I am ANGRY I was with him when he was jobless and depressed and he left me a few months after getting a job paying twice as much as I make with 1/3 the education…and now some other woman is with him after his new-found independence success!!
I am ANGRY he did not truly love, value or appreciate me.
I am ANGRY he accused me of being guilty of the exact same thing of which HE was guilty!
Anger is a lot like fire. When wielded by a sociopath it creates a swath of destruction, leaving behind unrecognizable charred husks of what was once there. My xpath was an incredibly angry person.
When wielded by the victims of sociopaths, when we finally come to that point of saying, “Enough!”, it can be a purifying and cleansing element, engulfing any remaining guilt, self-doubt, self-blame and sadness we may feel about the relationship. It scorches the plain of our souls leaving behind a desolate landscape. We may feel barren and empty, wondering where do we even start to rebuild?
Under the smoldering earth is a tiny seed awakening from its dormant state. It was always there but never had a chance to become what it was meant to be. The other plants soaked up the nutrients and moisture but now they are no longer there. And as the tiny, frail stalk pushes up through the blackened ground we must notice it and nurture it for it is a very fragile awakening of what we always had buried inside us and what we were meant to be…that just never had a chance until now.
And as it grows taller, stronger and its leaves begin to unfurl you will notice there isn’t just that one plant, oh my, there are COUNTLESS.
Consume yourself with anger and let it wash over you. Rejoice in its cleansing properties and let it propel you up and over the river of sorrow in which you’ve been drowning.
Don’t take it out on anyone else and not the sociopath because remember–NO CONTACT. This is just for you. This is the cleansing of your spirit.
I do not want to dwell in this angry state but for now it is what I need. I am burning through all my confusion, hurt, sense of betrayal, incredulity and sorrow. And I will nurture what grows in its place.
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Louise says:
Vidya:
Great post. I am angry about so many of the same things you are. It stinks. Here’s the one I can relate to the most:
I am ANGRY he has no shred of guilt or remorse over how he treated me and that he will never, ever be able to understand or comprehend how he affected me.
I do not want to dwell in it either, but so far I have. I finally made the step to go to therapy and have an appointment with a counselor next Wednesday who specializes in trauma and EMDR. I have to find out if I am a candidate for EMDR. I sure hope so because this is my last hope for forgetting about this.
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Louise says:
And now I am getting more angry. It just hit me that I am going to have to spend MY money to get over this jerk! It is very expensive ($110 per hour) and this therapist doesn’t accept insurance. My insurance wouldn’t cover it anyway even if he did as I have such a large deductible. I hope and pray this helps because I feel like it’s my last chance.
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Ox Drover says:
Louise, EMDR is great and it doesn’t take many sessions for it to WORK for PTSD….and as for spending your money to get over it, it is MONEY WELL SPENT for YOU….so look at it that way, as buying yourself a great present! PEACE!
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Louise says:
Oxy:
Thanks. It just has to work. If it doesn’t, I don’t know what else I am going to do
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skylar says:
Louise,
I was where you in regard to my parents: desperate.
I paid money I couldn’t afford for hypnotherapy. It didn’t magically solve things but it did help. It does take time though.
I think the most important thing is to detach from taking the spath personally. The spath wants you to feel like he feels, stuck with a narcissistic injury. That’s the whole reason he played the games he played. It was meant to make you feel worthless and angry.
Instead, turn it around. Step back and take a world view of what happened. You learned from it, you are wiser for it. You’ve gained from it and now you have tools to carry with you for future spath encounters.
I also think it’s very important to laugh at the spath. Imagine being so shallow that YOUR presence irritated him and compelled him to put so much of his energy and focus on you!! You must be a very compelling woman!
If there is one thing that breaks the power of the spath’s spells it’s laughter. The spath thinks he is so powerful and unique but in fact anyone with a PD is predictable and pathetic. The delusion itself is filled with irony.
Their power only comes from us believing in them. Their delusion is contagious, so we have to maintain a hold on our own reality, not theirs.
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Louise says:
skylar:
Thank you…you don’t know how much this meant to me. I actually printed it out and am going to keep it. Your insight and suggestions really resonated with me. I want to be able to refer back to it whenever I am weak.
So sorry you had to deal with this in regard to your parents, but I am so glad you have healed and have a life of your own. Love to you!
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skylar says:
((Louise))
the way I see my ex-spath is that he is a baby alone in a sandbox. All his friends grew up and left the sand box. As he gets older, he gathers more and more rage because more children enter the sandbox, grow up and leave him. But he just stays in that sandbox wishing everyone would stay and play with him. He hasn’t figured out that he can leave it too.
When we leave a spath we are refusing to play their game anymore. We brush ourselves off, grow up and walk away. Their isn’t any need to forgive anyone or to be forgiven for growing up, growing up is part of life so we just move on. The spath is “stuck” but that’s his problem and not up to us to rescue him. He can choose to grow up anytime he wants. But he’s afraid of leaving the security of the familiar – even if it is hell.
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slimone says:
The phrase “Misery loves company” was never SO true as it is with a disordered person.
Not only company. They need us to have a direct experience of them. Eventually, through the process of their manipulation, they use us to reflect their disowned reality. They produce their inner state of emptiness and despair in us, in our lives. But only so they can reject it. So they can disown it once again. Through some conscious or unconscious internal compulsion they project to protect, and to come out ‘on top’.
My feeling is in line with Skylar’s. It’s not personal. Everyone who ever came in contact with the spath I got close to were exposed to manipulations that were intended to put them in the losing position. Even buying groceries, or paying a bill, or taking a walk and chatting with a neighbor. Socially it was pretty subtle. But up close it was brutal.
They are constantly projecting their vile inner lives.
They are laughable, predictable, non-selective, and dull. All the things they try and convince us they aren’t.
Yawn….
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slimone says:
Oh, Skylar….a baby in a sand box. Brilliant. I won’t forget that imagery. Thanks!
I look back and have such a sense of relief I don’t have to hang out with a big, sobbing, temper-tantrum throwing infant.
Ha!
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slimone says:
Louise….EMDR can work wonders. But if it doesn’t ‘work’ right away keep your eyes on the bigger picture. We all have felt stranded in the middle of the tightrope of healing. At that place of exhaustion and hopelessness. Wanting release.
Just keep doing your best to get one foot in front of the other. Treat yourself with tenderness and care (sleep, eat, bathe, dance, read, work, love your friends/animals, cry, rant….). You really will get to better and better places. And though it seems to crawl by after a spath attack, time is our friend. It will help you heal.
Slim
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ErinBrock says:
XXOO to you all…..
EB
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MiLo says:
EB
Unreal, simply flipping unreal !!!!!
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skylar says:
EB, I’m sorry your spath is in your “neighborhood”. Mine came back too. He’s about 40 minutes away.
Good job getting the dirt on him, though!
Remember, he already assumes that what he tells Jr., will come right back to you, so some of that is seed planting too. I’m thinking that the rape premonition is just a way to try to scare you. They love to make us nervous. My spath emailed me telling me he was going up to my cabin. Idiot. I stayed NC thanks to support from my peeps on LF.
The story about the masturbater reminds me of at least 2 similar stories that my spath told me over the years. I think it’s a tell and also a need to “prove” that he’s not gay. The spath was getting his mask on tighter while doing a test. Do your kids know about his bi-tendencies? Maybe he was checking on that. Or maybe it really did happen except for the part where he refused to help…
Your parents have proven that they are really sick beyond help. Really really sick. They don’t even try to hide their sickness. wow. NC the heck out of them.
Thanks for stopping by with the good news about your successes. It helps to hear that some of us are healing and moving forward despite the continued spath harassment.
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hens says:
EB- Wow what a piece of scum he is, why does Jr. even want to be around this scumball? I don’t think you need to worry about a rape, personally I think your X prefer’s the masturbator, why would he even tell his son something like that?
Anywho – good to see you here darlin, keep your MTP gear handy, you might need it.
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Stargazer says:
Wow, he still controls you through fear. How horrible, EB. I really wish for you that you could stop tracking him and following him on FB. I know you feel you need to keep up with his life, but there is always a cost to staying connected to a spath. Can’t you change all the numbers on all your phones so he can’t call any of you?
Even more incredible than what a creep he is is how very public people are about their relationships on FB. It boggles my mind.
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Vidya says:
EB your ex sounds incredibly messed up! You do NOT talk to your child that way no matter what age they are. This poor woman has no idea what she’s in store for.
It did not take much–rubbing about two brain cells together–to figure out who my ex had moved onto via fb and I’m not even fb friends with him. He is NOT that smart–though he thinks he is. Helps that I knew to look deeper into his new obsession’s life because she was posting on his fb before we broke up. He even deleted some of her posts after I asked him who she was. When I asked him why he deleted what she’d posted he said, “Because I delete all stupid posts on my wall.”
A month later, flip the script, and he’d deleted my most recent post from his wall made while we were still together after getting with the new victim.
He so underestimated me. Thought he was slick and smart and covered his tracks. He certainly did with her because he refused to put me on fb as his gf, giving a variety of excuses, so she never had a clue he’d just dumped me and rebounded right into her arms within the week. And if she did know I am sure I was painted to be a horrible, selfish, lazy woman with mental issues–the exact same thing he told me about ALL his past exes!! Ironically he is describing himself.
I guess I am grateful he found her so quickly. He forgot all about me and now she’s been thrown under his bus. Otherwise that would still be me there, holding on for dear life, road rash and all…holding on to a man that would eventually have left me for, if not her, someone else.
God saved me. Perhaps the new woman also has some valuable lessons to learn because she too will find herself at odds with this soulless creature. I had a thought about how incredibly poetic it would be if God was using my atheist ex as an instrument to teach vulnerable women the lessons they need to learn. If we never had anything bad happen to us we would never grow stronger or realize the depth of our own resilience.
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Louise says:
Vidya:
WOW!!!!!!! Your last papagraph is SO POWERFUL!! OMG!! That is exactly what happened to me. My X spath is an atheist or an agnostic at the most and what he did taught me the most valuable lessons in life. WOW!!! Thank you!
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Ox Drover says:
Glad to see you home EB, been missing you muchly! The “threat” (and I take it as that) is scary for sure. KEEP SAFE! (((Hugs)))
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Vidya says:
I am glad it helps, Louise. I know you feel stuck in your recovery and hope the EDMR gives you a new outlook. And remember time really does heal and is the great equalizer.
What is helping me is 1) relying on my faith in God
2) reading and educating myself (Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft…what an eye-opener!) and of course reading LF articles and comments even from years back
3) inspirational sermons such as the ones at intouch.org
4) venting to my poor mother who is probably tired of hearing it haha and by posting here
5) exercising and finding a new hobby (martial arts)
6) looking for small things to be joyous about every day
7) learning to enjoy the company of others, where before I ONLY had the sociopath
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Louise says:
skylar:
I love your baby in the sandbox analogy. So perfect.
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Louise says:
slimone:
Thank you so much. I love your advice. I will try not to get frustrated if I don’t see results right away with EMDR (if I am even a candidate). I can’t see why I wouldn’t be. I will keep you all posted as to how it all goes. I had a phone consultation with the therapist and he said he would do at least three sessions just assessing me. Maybe he will find another approach that might be better. I don’t care what it is. I just want something to work to escape this life I am living.
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Louise says:
Vidya:
I am stuck and I know time heals all wounds, but it’s been two years. That seems like a long time to me, but maybe I am being hard on myself. I have also been doing all the things you list…I truly have. I have a strong faith in God and have only got as far as I have because of Him. There were times when He was ALL I had. I am reading the “Gift of Fear” right now and have also read “The Betrayal Bond” and another one I can’t remember at the moment. I just started today as a matter of fact listening to Charles Stanley. I love him. I exercise five times a week so I am definitely doing that which I know is good for me. So yeah, I am doing all these things, I truly am, but I am stuck as you say. But it can only get better. I have faith it can only get better. But I think that is why I have been hard on myself about this. I feel like I am doing all the right things, but nothing has helped. Nothing. But maybe I am finally headed in the right direction.
I am so glad YOU have been able to heal and move on!
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ErinBrock says:
I
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ErinBrock says:
Hens…..
XXOO
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ErinBrock says:
FREAKSHOW!!!!
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ErinBrock says:
Loiuse…..hang in there darlen……it DOES take time!!! Lot’s of time.
Give yourself credit……allow yourself to see just how far you’ve come in these 2 years.
NO, you may not be where you want to be today……but you are closer to that place than you were 2 years ago!!!
Don’t be hard on yourself.
Please……..
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ErinBrock says:
Vidya,
Keep doing the things you feel are helping you!
Moving in the right direction……
Keep going!!!!
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
skylar: i like your sandbox analogy! how true that is!!!!!!
it’s like they never grow up. why we continue to ‘care’, for me, has been the contradiction of being what i know i should be but ‘taking care of me’ emotionally. That has been a HUGE contradiction for me. My sense of ‘civic responsibility’ and my sense of responsibility to my faith.
i went to a counseling appointment today, with a new counselor. i felt that perhaps a ‘change’ for something ‘new’ might be the trick for me, in helping me ‘get over’ all of the pain and the confusion.
my counselor gave me a lot of really good points to consider. one was that if we truly knew all the people in the world who need our help, there is no way we can help them all….so, she gave me this ‘task’…to find a sand pail and shovel and to fill it with sand and every time i want or feel the need to ‘interrupt someone elses karma’, think of it like taking that sand pail and trying to fill up the Grand Canyon with it. There is no way that is going to happen. i am to keep this pail in plain sight and every time i feel a ‘pang’ of guilt and/or sadness, to realize that there is NO WAY I am ever going to fill up that Grand Canyon with my small, little, sand pail. i am to bring it with me to counseling next week, to PROVE that i have done it and that it’s with me and that i am considering that pail every time i feel like i should help stop karma from taking it’s proper place.
i have been advised that there should be NO CONTACT and that i must find a way of putting this to rest, once and for all.
those of you who have followed me and my posts, since i have been here on LF, i KNOW you can see the ‘change’ in me, since i first started posting but i am not ‘all the way there’, yet. i still have a ways to go. i have found out that my ‘need’ and my ‘desire’ to ‘help’ has been over riding my better judgment. i have learned that i put up with and tolerated a lot because i was trying to make something ‘right’ from my past. something that so slightly resembles this same situation, only with my biological mother…i have been trying to ‘make it right’ by using a pseudo character. i don’t know how correct this is, but i am willing to consider all possibilities in order to achieve what peace i am looking for over all of this.
the counselor also said something VERY profound to me and gave me sort of like a little ‘poster’ of sorts to hang by my computer and whenever i feel the need to ‘interrupt’ that karma “IT” is experiencing, i am to read this and she said she will go to my funeral and try to have this written on my head stone:
“IAM DEAD BUT I NEVER GAVE UP (ON HIM).”
that really says a lot; doesn’t it?
i was told that unless i cease this with “IT”, once and for all, that yes, with my heart condition, it could take my life from me. so, i think i am in a really good, aggressive therapy now…i have someone who is going to make me stick to things and that is what someone like me (strong to a fault) needs.
just wanted to come and share a little.
hope you all are well and doing alright.
i am doing okay. not as good as i wish i could be doing but i am sure that will come with time. i am A LOT farther than i was even a year ago!
Just remember: DONT INTERRUPT THEIR KARMA by trying to help them. Only when they hit rock bottom do they ever pay any attention to themselves and then most times they aren’t truthful with that either. I am actually starting to believe now that no, they don’t ever change. They just learn more ways to inflict misery.
Blessings to you all ~ Dupey
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strongawoman says:
Dearest Dupey,
Just wanted you to know I empathise totally. I don’t have any pearls for you. I think your counsellor may have provided you with the ultimate deterrent!
Sending you hugs, support and the hand of friendship and understanding. Never, never, never give up
SW
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
SW: Thank you for your ‘pearls’, My Dear….
never, ever, give up…on myself, you mean…….
Yes, I KNOW the counselor is correct and I am going to try, really, really, really, really, hard to STOP interrupting “ITS” karma..truly. Every moment of “ITS” karma is deserved. Every moment of it.
And, “I” deserve much much more than being trapped in this hellish nightmare any further. Period.
Hugs and Blessings, SW!!!!
Dupey
xxoo
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skylar says:
Dupey,
I think I really like your new therapist. She sounds like she’s got her head on straight.
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Louise says:
EB:
Thank you so much. Yes, I am far better than I was two years ago, but still a ways to go. I am going to give myself credit and not be so hard on myself. It’s time to let this go. I need Dupey’s therapist!!
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MiLo says:
Dupey ~ I agree, I think I really like your new therapist. I am so glad you found someone like this.
I think a lot of us could benefit from what she told you.
(((hugs)))
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
MichaelD: If you knew “IT”, you would call it that too – and, yes, he deserves his karma because karma is the only teacher “IT” will listen to. While I respect your opinions, you know nothing of what I have been through so you can’t adequately judge as the others on this site can. If you have any doubt, MichaelD, I would suggest you go back into the archives and read a little about my story and then you won’t be so quick to judge, YOURSELF.
I have not revenge in my heart for “IT”; if that was the case, “IT” would be on death row as we speak but “IT” isn’t. “IT” is free and running rampant on the internet, picking up more victims…while I appreciate your input, I would suggest you read and research that which you give your opinion on.
Karma is the ONLY saving grace “IT” has. The only one. If “IT” doesn’t want to be referred to as an “IT”, then it should stop acting like one.
No, I am learning through counseling and a lot of other ways, that harboring ‘hatred’ is only a slow ticking time bomb that will devour you if you allow it to. I HAVE been around the block long enough to have accomplished that.
I am happy you finally came clean with the ‘truth’, MichaelD, it is true: the truth will set you free!!!!
Dupey
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
skylar, MiLo and Louise: Thank you for your input. She is a keeper, my new counselor!!!!! She has dealt with ‘beings’ like this before in her practice so I am happy for the experience, as it were. I am sure I am going to learn a lot on this journey with her.
TRY to have a happy day you guys ~ you deserve it AND MORE!!!!!
Love ~ Dupey
xxoo
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Ana says:
Dupey,
LOL, although no one likes to be called “IT” if the mask fits….
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skylar says:
bwahahahahaha!
Ana,
“if the mask fits…”
that’s a good one!
I’m gonna borrow it…
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Louise says:
Troll
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ErinBrock says:
Duped,
I’m glad your finding good information from your new therapist and liking the direction you are heading in with them.
Keep moving in this direction……don’t ever give up, you can have a good life……just give it time.
My best to you!!!
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callmeathena says:
Vidya
Great post. It sure kept me from looking at my phone to see if my TEXT BLOCKER software blocked any of my SPATHS texts.
You are so right and valid in what you’re saying.
I have been grieving my relationship with my spath since 2009.
My friends have been counseling me that I will come out of this a better person…you and I and the others will end up better because of this experience.
We’ll identify red flags faster.
We’ll know more about humanity.
We’ll have strengthened our boundaries.
To find the peak, you’ve got to go through the valleys.
If you were here today, I’d give you a big hug, and say “sister sister”, cuz I am so there with you.
Athena
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Louise says:
Athena:
I know it’s so hard. I am struggling, too, but getting better. I think it all boils down to acceptance. I am realizing more and more if I can just “accept” that it was what it was and move on, I would be so much better. Acceptance is a huge thing; almost like forgiveness. Hang in there; I am here for you. Would love to hear how you are feeling.
So your text blocker software tells you if he tried to text you? Look at me…I shouldn’t even be asking you that! Sorry!
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
“IT” is the ONLY mask that fits…..
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
EB: thank you for your support and encouragement….
I am praying for you too. I hope and pray that everything will settle down for you in your life and that you will find peace.
Love ~ Dupey
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callmeathena says:
Vidya
Yeah! This stupid text-blocking software, well, I assumed it was working because I wasn’t getting any texts…then three days after I started using this android app, the damn software sends me a message and says
HEY! WE BLOCKED 25 TEXT MESSAGS FROM GETTING TO YOU! DO YOU LOVE US OR WHAT?
Piss me off! So that’s how I knew that my spath sent me 25 text messags in 3 days – that were blocked by this software app.
Ugh.
Athena
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