After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 4-Bargaining
PDF If there is a single category of memories that still can make me squirm, it is the remembrance of what I did to make my sociopath love me. And what I did simply to keep him from hurting me. And what I did to try to understand the things I must have done wrong, because he didn’t love me. And all the ways I pretzel-twisted my brain to excuse him for his lies, deception, disrespect and greed.
The topic of this article is the next phase of healing from a sociopathic relationship: bargaining.
We are in the process of healing from the moment we sustain any emotional trauma. Relationships with sociopaths typically involve many traumatic events, both large and small. Some of these events are the “blows” of insults, coldness and various types of violence or violation of our trust. But these blows, however painful they may be, are less damaging than the events that threaten our identities by making us question our own values and ability to trust ourselves
Bargaining is one of the two ways we negotiate with pain. The first is denial, which was discussed in the last article, Part 3. Denial enables us to postpone facing trauma, until we’re ready, or until we’ve found support that can help us think it through. In denial, we make a temporary deal with ourselves not to think about it and to block our normal feelings. It’s an interior mechanism, a way to control our own reactions.
Shifting Denial to the Outside World
Bargaining is an advance on denial because, at least, we are beginning to negotiate with the outside world, rather than our own psyches. But like denial, bargaining is magical thinking. We’re still not dealing directly with the facts as though they were real. We are finding reasons to make them unreal, and looking for ways that we can influence the situation so that it becomes we want it to be.
“She’s just acting cold, because she’s had a bad time and needs to get over it. If I am more loving, she will warm up.”
“He is being so rude to the waitress, because he came from a background of uncaring people. If I show him how much better service he’ll get if he’s courteous, he’ll see that it’s true and become the gentle, caring person I know he really is inside.”
“She’s sleeping around because she’s insecure about her looks or afraid that I don’t really love her. If I try to be more supportive and more complementary, she’ll come to recognize that no one has ever loved her more.”
“He’s telling me that I don’t deserve to be loved, because he secretly feels he doesn’t deserve to be loved. If I convince him that he’s lovable, it will open his heart.”
“He never shows up when I need him, runs profiles on dating sites, and disappears for days or weeks. He says everything would be better if I trusted him, so I’ll try to trust him more.”
In each of these examples, we are faced with evidence that the person is, at minimum, behaving in ways that we don’t like. If we want to analyze it further, we could say that this person is behaving as though they don’t care how we feel. Or if we wanted to characterize the person by his or her behavior, we could say that he or she is acting like a selfish, out-of-control sleezeball. But we don’t have to do any analysis at all to simply check our own feelings and determine that we are not happy about it. Or that it causes us pain.
In the bargaining phase, we are ready to acknowledge our own pain and the material fact that is causing us pain. However, we are not yet ready to connect all the dots in the sense of recognizing that we have a serious and unmanageable problem on our hands.
The Three Elements of Bargaining
The components of traumatic bargaining are three very different things. One is acknowledgement of the trauma. This is an important new stage in our healing process. It’s the first time since the trauma occurred that we consciously accept that something happened to us. That “something” came from outside of us. It was not something we did to ourselves.
The second component is our vision of how things ought to be. This could be how things used to be – like when we had our perfect lover. But it might be a vision of how we want things to be in the future – like when we and our perfect lover settle down in a “happily ever after” relationship. There are all kinds of possible visions of reality that we are trying to get to, or get back to. Particularly in relationships with sociopaths, where there are so many different types of trauma – identity, emotional, physical, sexual, financial, etc.— we may be holding tight to any one of a variety of visions.
The final component is the bargaining itself, which is a kind of bridge between the unwanted reality and the desired vision. That bridge is made up of all the things we are willing to do to earn that reality.
Bargaining is a basic skill of life, an everyday event in which we negotiate with family, friends, employers, customers to find satisfactory shared outcomes. We even negotiate with inanimate objects, like regularly changing the oil to get longer service from our cars. These little trades in life are so common we hardly notice them. We make little deals all day long, as we pragmatically navigate around and through all the things we have to accommodate in our lives.
However, post-traumatic bargaining has a different flavor that puts it squarely in the realm of magical thinking. Instead of negotiating for some future outcome, we are trying to change a here-and-now fact. The fact is not what our sociopaths did, but what their actions say about them. We don’t want them to be what they appear to be.
In this bargaining, we are appealing to someone or something that we imagine has the power to change that fact. In attempting to solicit its cooperation, we are hoping or believing that we can convince that power source to care about us.
Please, God, if you’ll only…
That beginning of a supplicant prayer ends with “and I promise I’ll…” Please, God, if you’ll only help me pass this test, I promise I’ll do my geography homework forever. Or we may not bring God into it. We may wear our lucky underwear to the game, so we’ll sink more basketballs. Or if I sign over my paycheck or dress like a floozy or rush to get you another beer when you toss the empty over your shoulder, maybe you’ll love me.
Doing a rain dance may not appear to equate with trying to have a happy relationship with a sociopath, but it has similarities. One of those similarities is that we are depending on formal rules that we imagine are something like infallible. So, if we are very, very, very good, and follow the rules punctiliously, then the result will be that the sociopath loves us or that the sociopath will be zapped with some cosmic healing ray that makes it possible for him to love at all.
While bargaining is a developmental advance over denial, it has one big similarity with denial. That is, we still feel like we have some power, even if we now recognize that most of the power resides elsewhere. In terms of our volunteering or collaboration, we’ve stepped up to the “can-do” plate, and we’re trying to fix the situation. Maybe this will work. Maybe that will. We’re operating on hope or faith in our own magic.
Our approach to this is childlike, in the sense that we are defining that outside power as something there to fulfill our desires. As all of us have learned one way or another, trying to elicit “love” from a sociopath is like trying to get attention from the devil. We may get the attention, but it is very, very expensive.
In fact, our very belief in these rules – whether they are the rules of courtesy or Christian behavior or how we imagine lovers are supposed to act – is something that sociopaths use against us. They make us feel guilty for not trusting them. Or concerned about how pitiful they are. Or crushed because we are doing all the right things, and still not succeeding in being loved.
The Craziest Phase
The bargaining phase is characterized by hope and frustration. It is also the first real learning phase of recovery. We have acknowledged that there is something wrong, and we are experimenting with solutions to fix it.
Until we’ve learned enough to realize that we can’t avoid the unpleasant facts, we are in what might be characterized as the “craziest” part of our recovery. We’re throwing good energy after bad. We’re doing the same things that worked for us in other relationships, over and over, without getting results. We don’t understand the rules of the game. We don’t know what else to do except be better and nicer and more giving, and our judgment about what we can afford to lose goes haywire.
Our pain and disbelief about the nature of this relationship are only one kind of bargaining trigger. We are probably in the bargaining stage with other traumas, like the loss of our money or possessions or jobs or professional credibility or our children’s safety or our privacy or our hope of simple break-up. We can become absolutely frantic with bargaining. We may feel like we’ve got so many plates in the air we can’t even remember our names.
This can be particularly true in after-effects of a sociopathic relationship, which can seem more traumatic than the relationship itself. As we detox from the hypnotic effect of the sociopath’s influence, we may finally emerge from denial about our losses. We may attempt to negotiate recovery of things we lost. We may appeal to other sources of power, like the police or the legal system, only to discover that no one believes us because the sociopath has done such a good job of characterizing us as unstable or untrustworthy. Or because no one knows anything about sociopaths, and assumes that we’re exaggerating.
In dealing with sociopaths, one of the most difficult things is to determine which situations we can control and what is out of our control. Our own histories as competent and effective people make it hard for us to give up trying to find a solution. Before we give up, we are likely to lower our expectations of fairness, understanding and support, not only from the sociopath, but from the legal system as well as our previous social support systems, like friends and family. As sad as this may seem, it is all part of the great information-gathering exercise that bargaining is.
The First Clarity
Just as denial gave us the gift of time, bargaining has its own gifts. One is a great deal of new factual knowledge about the world we live in. Many of us say that we wished we never learned what we learned in these experiences. But like them or not, these are realities about the people and circumstances we may face in our lives. Knowing them will eventually make us smarter, stronger and more confident in taking care of ourselves.
We also learn the lengths to which we’ll go, if there is something we want badly enough. Some of that is good news and other parts make us uncomfortable. But like the facts about the world, this will be useful information when we are farther in our recovery process.
The most important gift of knowledge comes from our successes and failures in bargaining with the sociopath. We learn that we “succeed” when we’re willing to give up anything we have and everything we are. We learn that we “lose” when we attempt to hold onto our own identities and independent resources.
Eventually, those of us who are going to be survivors come to recognize a very important fact. It’s a fact that was in front of us from the minute we realized that we were not happy with what was going on or that we were in pain. That fact is that the sociopath causing our pain.
There are a few additional facts that we may figure out at this point (depending on which trauma we are working on). One is that the sociopath doesn’t want to be fixed. Another is that the sociopath doesn’t care about our pain.
In this knowledge, we face the reality that nothing we can do will make the sociopath behave like a feeling human being. No matter how many opportunities we have to please the sociopath, or earn love, or prove our worth, or gain trust, we cannot change the wiring of the sociopathic emotional system. And worse, our attempts to “bargain” for love or any form of caring tend to cause us more losses. Whatever we give, whatever we do, whatever pleas we make for compassion or understanding, it is like throwing ourselves against a Teflon wall.
Helping Ourselves
These insights open the doorway into the next big phase, anger, which will be the topic of the next article. In the meantime, it’s a good thing to remember that we may be experiencing various phases at the same time, especially since we are likely to be processing many different types of events. All of the phases have their reason and their importance in healing.
As the “craziest” of the phases, our bargaining phase is the time that we are most likely to be making other people crazy too — whether we’re still inside the relationship or we’ve stopped it but are still trying to fix it some part of it. Our family, our friends, anyone who cares about us may become frustrated with us or even cut us off. When everyone outside this relationship can clearly see that something is wrong – either with us or with our lovers – they become understandably impatient with us, if we are acting like we in the middle of a great work in progress, rather than in the middle of a train wreck.
If the bargaining phase can be characterized as addictive behavior on our side, because we’re totally focused on getting love or validation to “fix” our pain, it’s unlikely that we’re going to be open to intervention. Likewise, finding the power in ourselves to intervene is not likely.
But if we could, or if there is a part of us that is watching aghast at what’s going on, it would be a good time to start keeping a ledger of losses. Even if it’s only a mental record, but writing it down would be better. Start keeping a list of the betrayals, the financial losses, the insults, the lies, the sabotage, the demands to compromise our values, all the things that make us less than we formerly were.
Keeping this list may be the hardest thing we ever do when we’re inside the relationship, because it is exactly the kind of thing a sociopath would view as disloyalty or distrust. To the extent that our feelings are co-opted, we may feel guilty about doing it. But if we can do it – and it’s equally valuable to do after the relationship is over – we reestablish connection with our own identities and feelings, instead of seeing the world though the lens of the sociopath’s intentions.
Keeping the “black list” or the “sad list” or the “list of disappointments” will help us move through the bargaining stage faster. It will help us find our anger, which is where we start to regain our power over our lives and our hearts.
Namaste. The courageous healing spirit in me salutes the courageous healing spirit in you.
Kathy
written by Kathleen Hawk • Permalink •
OxDrover says:
DEar Verity,
The “degrees of evil” are still EVIL. The degree of evil is sort of like a preg woman. You are either preg or not (evil or not) but you may be 1 month preg or 9 months preg, but you are still preg.
The thing about the EVIL is that they embrace it willingly, choose to behave like that, choose to think like that. Some may not rob banks or kill people, but they do cheat on their wife/husband, are they less Evil than the man who kiills? I don’t think so.
Sometimes victims “doubt” that “my x” is “really” a psychopath, oh, well, he fits the criteria, all 10, but……”
Well, if it has feathers, goes quack, can fly, lays eggs and swims, it is PROBABLY A DUCK. What kind of duck? Not sure, but it is a DUCK. It doesn’t matter what “breed” your psychopath is, they are a psychopath andpsychopaths by DEFINITION have NO conscience—none, zip, zero, nada.
So push come to shove, they COULD kill if they thought they would be benefited by it. Not all psychopaths are serial killers…..yet.
Save your compassion and your pity for homeless children, homeless dogs and cats, and people with horrible diseases. Don’t waste it on psychopaths who choose to do evil though they do know it is evil.
(Report abusive comment)
verity says:
Oxy, I hope I have it now. Nearly all the way out of denial. Can’t believe that I let somebody who didn’t care about me one tiny bit into my house with my daughter, or into my body. Ugh. That makes me heave.
He does evil things. He hides from anybody who tries to make him stop or he manipulates them further to try to change their mind. CHOOSING to do it, not being so sick that he can’t help it, that’s where I was stuck. It was not really being sure that he had a choice.
But yeah, evil deeds are evil deeds. He didn’t care whether I lived or died when he manipulated me, gaslighted me, denied my feelings. He is as cold as ice. It really is a case of ‘the lights are on but there’s nobody home.’
Thanks Oxy.
(Report abusive comment)
silvermoon says:
This is the key OX and we talked about it before- of it walks like a duck.. that’s all we need to know…cuz it probrably is one.
This is the thing that provokes much of my thinking along the path is that if I question that key understanding, then the door may be far enough ajar that he might be able to come back. Was thinking about that a lot yesterday when we were talking about how and why they can get us to take that call or read the letter that invites us back to where we were before-
The knowledge that they know enough to choose and that they are capable of acting outside the rules and without conscience or remorse is what is critical to understand.
We HAVE to KNOW that they have no bounds and that for us there is only one: NO.
Across the stages of the healing process, there are moments that people have where the self doubt issue isn’t so completely resolved that we aren’t vulnerable emotionally.
I do think about the potential danger inherrent in this encounter. Its real. For exactly the reasons you describe.
Its a duck alright.
And the intention as well as the actions to support defrauding love as well as material assets is EVIL because it is concious and premeditated.
You’re right, once a liar is identified, what can they say to fix the situation? They lie. There is nothing they can say.
For my experience, there is no point hanging around to see what they will do- at the least they will do all that they lied about and at worst….well, it could already be a lot worse and that unknown so far….
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear Verity and Silvermoon,
Yep, that is it! if it walks like a duck…..
I watched a 48 hours mystery last night about a guy named Scott Lee Kimball, who “worked for the FBI” (yes, he did, he was a criminal informant) His ex wife described him as CHARMING, smart, and so on, very kind (at first) and so on.
In the end, he killed her daughter, two other women, his uncle and gosh knows how many others. He gave up the location of the bodies of 2 of the women, but refuses to give up the location of the 3rd. He ALSO CONNED his FBI handlers who for a couple of years refused to believe the fathers of two of the women. He “helped” his wife look for her daughter.
Finally, one of the fathers put up a bill board near where his daughter was last seen with SCOTT KIMBALL and anotehr father whose daughter was last seen with Kimball (and whose x wife was married to Kimball) both went to the FBI and raised enough helll that they started to FINALLY investigate.
Kimball was back in prison for 40 yrs for another charge, but they ended up giving him another 70 year sentence for the murders, and he will be 81 when he becomes eligible for parole.
In the interviews on camera he admitted knowing about the murders of the women, but still denied doing them. He did admit killing his uncle for money though. The FBI finally apologized to the families of the victims (who maybe wouldn’t have died if they had believed the first father). They admitted that he conned the pros.
Not all con men psychopaths are also serial killers, and Kimball denies being a “serial killer” LOL YOu just never know WHO will be the serial killer, they are pretty good at covering up (sometimes). I never in a million years would have expected my own little P-son to EVER have been a killer, but he GLORIES in it. Is proud of it. Brags about it. ENJOYED doing it. Felt entitled to do it. Will/would do it AGAIN if he ever got the chance.
48 Hours and 20/20 and Dateline have profiled several psychopaths that were killers, of their wives, husbands, etc. and they were people NO ONE would have suspected until they DID IT. But in the meantime, they were cheating on their spouses, lying and covering up “bad” things, then chose to do the ULTIMATE crime and kill one or more people. Some of them such bad liars and criminals they were almost instantly caught, others not caught for years, or even decades.
If a person is a psychopath who does “a little evil” you never know for sure if they are capable of “bigger evil” and so you have to realize that they may be capable of a LOT of things, or may have already done them. The woman who married Kimball after he killed her daughter felt doubly abused by sleeping with her child’s murderer for years afterwards. She felt responsible for bringing him into the house to even meet her daughter. The damage he did to the mother I think is probably worse than what he did to the daughter. She has to live with it the rest of her life. Her own hell of “what if I hadn’t brought Scott Kimball into my home?”
(Report abusive comment)
verity says:
Yikes. Poor, poor woman.
You know, I think the one I knew (didn’t know at all) could or does already do far worse things than what he did to me and his other women … but now I am away and never going back that’s not my concern. Today is a very good day for me. I feel like I have my sanity back and it’s been a long time coming.
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
DearVerity,
Good for you!!!! That’s the bottom line is to get our sanity back, and keep it back. To learn to spot ‘em in the “wild” and not get hooked! Keep on trucking!
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
Verity…..
You have come far….
Keep on keepen on girl……
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
Silver:
Your writing is so concise…..I go off on tangents, rants and raves…..and you nail it in the in the first paragraph….
“if I question that key understanding, then the door may be far enough ajar that he might be able to come back.”
BINGO…..
Oh, the talents you posess!
YOU will be okay…..YOU will get through this…..YOU will have ‘just’ rewards from your experience.
YOU will come through……
ROOAAARRRRR!
(Report abusive comment)
Buttons says:
Silvermoon and Verity, it’s always a stinging epiphany when we realize that we loved the fantasy, not the true Thing that the spaths are. It’s like getting slapped in the face with a cold, rotten catfish, isn’t it?
Yes, it’s hard to imagine that we bought into their deceptions, but once we realize what they are, THEN we can say to ourselves, “Self, you were HAD. Self, you didn’t ask for this and this Thing betrayed your trust and love.” Kicking the denial is the biggest leap in our healing processes, I think. It stinks like a rotten catfish, but once we find out where that stench is coming from, we can do something about it!
PLUG ON, COURAGEOUS ONES!!!
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
OMG….buttons….
(Report abusive comment)
Buttons says:
Odd, isn’t it? The THING will never experience an epihphany so it gives the word some meaning by using it as a name.
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
THANK GOD!!!!
Epiphany……
He’s still wainting for one…..
(Report abusive comment)
Buttons says:
ROTFLMAOTMNR!!!!!!!!!!!!! EB……omigosh…..
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
Is THAT compassionate???
(Report abusive comment)
verity says:
Buttons, my sanity has returned as I eventually came out of denial — only today really.
I met the Cardboard Cut-out two years ago this Summer and it’s been uphill and down trying to understand what has happened to me. Nearly killed myself twice and waiting now for an appt to see if I have complex ptsd. But I will get through this because there is no way he is going to beat me.
Along with sanity comes a new feeling and it’s disgust. I am struggling to keep my lunch down right now. And I wish the f***** was dead. He made me hate myself. I mean, really hate everything about myself: my clothes, my face, my ‘insecurity’ when I doubted his stories … said that me and my daughter were the weirdest people he had ever met. I have pushed a lot of what he said and did to the back of my mind and it’s crawling out. Sickmaking.
I was wondering for a long time what he wanted with me. He didn’t want me as a girlfriend, that was obvious because he kept me hidden, but he didn’t even seem to like the sex. It was typical vile Narc sex, masturbatory and cold, and now at last I know what he wanted. He wanted to play, pure and simple. I had no idea these people existed. I thought my dad was bad but I knew nothing. I’ve still obviously got a lot of anger to process, but that’s good. That’s far better than what I’ve had up to now which is doubt and self-loathing.
(Report abusive comment)
verity says:
Bwahahahahahaha EB!
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
No, EB, that is NOT compassionate for you to wish that BUBBA would be his cell mate! LOL
But I do understand your wish. There have been times I wished that BUBBA would put a SHANK in mine, it would end my troubles! But, I will have to get my mind out of revenge mode and just pray that I can at least keep him in prison for another 30+ years so that his brothers and I won’t be in danger. I just have to trust that God will do whatever is the best thing in the situation, and work like it all depended on me, but trust that the outcome is for the best. It’s not always easy, but there is an obvious lesson in the end so no real complaints at this point, I am seeming to GET the lessons more as I get older! (((Hugs))))
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear Verity,
The anger is normal! It will help you get through the worst of the pain! Anger is a normal response to injury! Normal part of the healing process. It will eventually subside though! And that’s part of the normal healing process too. (((hugs)))
(Report abusive comment)
Hopeforjoy says:
Verity,
He was just a loser. I’m convinced that being a robot wife that waits on them hand and foot, has boobs like Pamela Anderson, movie star looks, no stretch marks, rail thin, cooks like Julia Child, will do anything in the bedroom, and always makes them look good. It will never be enough, never, ever. They are disordered, trying to fill a hole in themselves and it’s mostly with unhealthy stuff.
It took a year of heck for me to finally see that it’s not me. It’s not you either. You seem like a very caring person, he did not deserve what you gave him. When I recently got tested for STD’s I asked my beloved doctor what happens to people that they need to wear this mask just to seem normal? She got it, she has seen it before and we will feel better, it just takes time. All the crap my soon to be ex did, is doing, still surprised her, and she has seen a lot. We will be better in the long run, I really am looking forward to that day.
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
How sad….how sad he will never know how his own kids feel about him……he will deflect it even if he was told…..
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
Dear EB,
The thing is that wishing that revenge is not good for ME, and it is a SAD day when a child wishes their parent would die!@ And belive me I have been THERE TOO…that time I was at her house and she lied to me right there and I called her on it, and she gave me the P-LOOK, and then she said to me “You really hate me don’t you?” And it didn’t take me but a SECOND to think and then answer her, “Yes, mam, I do!” Right that minute I did HATE her. If I could have wished her dead I would have, but that feeling only hurt me, not her!
I’ve worked hard to get away from that feeling and replace it with the nirvana of indifference and I CAN do that if I work on it. Ditto with my P son. The Bible tells me that “vengence is mine saith the Lord.” He also promises me that he will have vengence for those that hurt others. I just have to realize that if I had a choice, I’d rather fall inito the hands of a P than the hands of a vengeful God! Nothing I can do to him is as bad as what he has coming if he does’t repent and change his ways. FAT CHANCE! P-son may not even truly realize what a repulsive, disgusting piece of crap he has CHOSEN to be–I think there comes a point that they do worse than deny, they are DELUSIONAL. Really delusional, not hyperbole!
I think they actually believe the lies and the delusions to the point that they actually SEE themselves, sitting in their prison cells as WINNERS! DUH!?
Our anger and desire for vengence is normal, but it isn’t good for us long term, so I am working on that. I TRY, but I don’t think I am a very good Christian, as much as I would like to be. I don’t always DO what I PREACH. LOL (((hugs)))
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
I KNOW he will be the skipper of his own demise……
It’s been proven to me over and over…..
THE END!!!
(Report abusive comment)
OxDrover says:
The problem is, EB, we do have a conscience, and it would eat at us. In fact, we take on guilt we don’t even deserve! That’s what got us here in the first place I think. THE FOG!
Fear, obligation and guilt! Keeps us blind to reality! Since the Ps are usually spewing FOG I think anytime I feel that there is a FOG around something, someone or a situation, I know there is a P somewhere around belching it! I would also add an “A” in front of the FOG for ANGER, so it is A FOG! If I am angry? WHY? Cause anger is a response to an injury. Where and how have I been hurt?
(Report abusive comment)
Hopeforjoy says:
Question about the bargaining phase. Right now I am trying to be strong and get out of the relationship, it is too toxic. I am getting side swiped by husband putting on MAJOR charm. He is saying sorry for everything, asking permission to do activities and wants to know my opinion on everything. What the heck is going on? I haven’t experience this before, since our last blow out a few weeks ago, he has been prince charming. In my head I am bargaining with myself, if I give him time, maybe I’m over-reacting to daughters feelings, it is driving me crazy, he is WAY TOO NICE!
Help me not make a deal. Please, this is insanity. Help!
(Report abusive comment)
Hopeforjoy says:
One more thing, I know I sound needy, sorry. I just can’t put into words what is happening. From husband “Can I get you anything, let me do the laundry, should I order pizza? what do you want for lunch? sorry i didn’t fix the printer, do you need it? I’ll take the dog for a walk, really, i can do the laundry, do you need me for something? Hows the homework?” OMG, I’m breaking down here. What is this about?
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
It’s the Fantasy…..it’s what you’ve always wanted….and NOW hes offering….
You need to step back……and look at HOW it has always turned out in the past….BAD….
It’s a cycle……
Mean, Nice, really nice…..abusive…..distant….abusive……NICE, REALLY NICE…..
Picture a circle….and tell me if YOUR life fit’s in it…..with his behaviors…..
YEs…..thought so…..
Take the niceties….but NOT personally….take advantage of his niceties and LET him do the laundry….ALLOW him to take the dog out….when he asks to get you something…..tell him you want a Dr. Pepper…you’ve craved on for weeks now….and make him go out to the store and get it….(to get rid of him) and dote with the thank you’s darling….upon his arrival back with it….
Be ‘nice’ back….on the surface with a big huggles for my darling….
blindside him right back……tell him how much you appreciate his efforts and you love him….(if that’s normal for you)….Don’t go too overboard…..but all narcissists LOVE and CRAVE and demand to be needed…..LOVED, ADORED…… Make him believe WHAT HE needs…..
play the game…..
BUT DO NOT….UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE…..think this is permanent.
He’s doing it to build you up….build up trust in you……so he can CHOP DOWN THE BASE OF THE TREE WHEN HE CHOOSES!!!!!
It’s tmeporary…..You know this…..
You’ve already made your decision…….STICK WITH IT….
Your either picking your daughters safety or your husband?
Hmmm……not much of a choice there to make!
If you go back now……(emotionally), you stand the risk of losing your daughter, and her feeling all alone….ABANDONED….like she said……you need to listen to your baby…..and do what is right for you all!!!
Play his game…….play along well…..
but don’t be emotionally invested……..
YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!
(Report abusive comment)
Hopeforjoy says:
ErinBrock,
Holy cow, is all I can say. It’s like brainwashing, sometimes I don’t think I can make it. Trying really hard to keep the emotions in check, he’s just wearing me down, big time.
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
He KNOWS this….
This is why you MUST wear him down with the tools YOU HAVE.
Let him believe whatever he needs to……but YOU keep the truth in your pocket.
STAY STRONG…..
Your daughter NEEDS you!!!!!
YOU CAN DO THIS…….
But, you need an exit strategy!!! SOON!
Keep telling yourself…..It’s ONLY temporary……
I played the game for about a year….while sick……I had NO CHOICE……
Keep your vision tunnelled and branch off when you need to please him……suck him in….
on the surface!!!
(Report abusive comment)
Hopeforjoy says:
I know this in my heart, so glad I found LF, ErinBrock, it’s like you are here right now and get it. I have to stay on target, it is just so freaky and throws me off. My daughter is an absolutely amazing person, I don’t want to let her down. How can a person do this to another, I don’t get it!!!
How in the world did you survive the this while you were sick? Stay on target, play the game, I can do this….
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
Focus on the immediate!
set goals…..for this week….
Leave the why’s for later…..when you can deal from a safe distance……
DON”T SPEAK your thoughts speak FAKE thoughts….
This is hard for genuine, caring people to do……
You have a lifetime to figure the ‘rest’ out……prioritize your immediate needs and only work for those……
Believe in yourself, know your spot on in your conclusions…..and make a plan and DON”T WAVER!!!!!!
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
View it as a board game….and it’s NOT an option to lose!!!!
Keep thinking of your beautiful smart, wise daughter who NEEDS her mother to set an exapmle to her……of what strength is…..
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
Erin B You could create a new board game “How to Leave a Sociopath” just think about it – we might can get rich quick here~! Roll the dice – three steps forward two steps back – land on “”FOG”" and you have to name this [personality disorder], land on ”no contact” and you win the bonus. land on go to jail etc etc anyone els have any input or is this mindless banter?
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
Hahhahaha…….I’ll work on that hens….
I will model it off monopoly…with NO get out of jail frree or free parking…..
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
dang here I go makin other people rich again…
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
Hens….
Are ya coming out to see me?
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
sounds like a plan erin – i get to keep all the cash I find digging around tho ok?
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
and then we can do all the mindless off topic banter we want!
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
only if you keep me rollen though!!!!
(Report abusive comment)
Rosa says:
I would LOVE to take off to the tropics right about now.
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
What a story we could bring back to our friends at LF!
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
ok Rosa I will pack my thong and go with ya~!
(Report abusive comment)
Rosa says:
Off to the tropics for some mindless banter with my LF friends….sounds heavenly!!
I’m wearing banana leaves….something very Brooke Shields…..like from that movie, “Blue Lagoon”.
Picture THAT!!
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
i am still trying to picture me in a thong [not a pretty picture] banana leaves sound purfect rosa pina coladas are on me~!
(Report abusive comment)
Rosa says:
Whatever you do, don’t leave without me!!
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
I’ll keep the moo moo on……don’t want to alarm anyone….
ALTHOUGH…..I will be sporting the alpaca panties…..
(Report abusive comment)
ErinBrock says:
Anyone up for a cruise? to the nice warm climate of wherever ?
(Report abusive comment)
henry says:
i stayed at a friends villa in plya delcarman,mexico right on the beach years ago his house was glass and it looked like the waves would just come in the house – his neighbor [dickvandykes had a little beach house right next door is was the most awesome thing – i would love to live on the ocean or an deserted island and one day george cloney would wash up on the beach,,
(Report abusive comment)
Stargazer says:
Cool! I drop in for a few minutes after a long day and what do I find? Henry in a thong! Henry, you can come with me to Costa Rica and bring a different thong for every day of the week. I love it!
(Report abusive comment)
hens says:
well i better hurry and get that butt lift then..
(Report abusive comment)
Stargazer says:
EB, I will have a 2 bedroom house alone on the beach in Costa Rica for 8 days. We could have a LF reunion there!
(Report abusive comment)