After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 3-Denial
PDF This column is dedicated to my sister, who is my best friend and wise counsel in so much of this learning
In Part 2, I wrote about painful shock, our instantaneous reactions to stabilize us until we have time to heal, and the everyday process that we use to resolve trauma.
In a relationship with a sociopath, something goes wrong with this process. We don’t handle “bad things that happen to us” in an expeditious way. It may be that we do not have skills for fast processing of emotional trauma, because we are burdened by residue of previous trauma. But beyond that, the typical sociopathic technique of recruiting us through seductive love-bombing, followed by withdrawal of positive attention, can disable our normal responses.
Instead of clearly recognizing that we are victims of abuse, we become confused about our own involvement. Because we responded positively to the seduction, we are from the beginning volunteers or collaborators in what happened to us. When our “perfect lovers” inexplicably turn cold, critical and demanding, we are left dealing with emotional attachments to our precious memories. This chaotic emotional landscape sets the stage for further emotional abuse and predation.
Adapting to the Unthinkable
Denial is the topic of this piece. In denial, we assume that we have power over certain aspects of our relationship with a sociopath. It is a form of magical thinking. It also plays an important role in recovery.
My friends: Kathy, what do you mean he’s moving back in with you again? It took you months to stop crying over him last time.
Me: No, it’s really okay. We had a good talk. He’s just needs my support. It was my fault for not trusting him. He really cares about me. He was so tender and open. Can’t you hear how happy I am?
Is it any wonder people think we’re crazy? But until we “learn through” this situation, we may feel as crazy as they think we are.
In the Kubler-Ross model of grief processing after receiving a terminal diagnosis, denial is a rejection of reality. “This isn’t happening to me.” It is the same difficulty we face in the loss of a loved one, absorbing the information that a life resource has disappeared. First response to trauma often includes a massive rush of endorphins (the “feel good” brain chemical) that anesthetizes pain and helps prevent us from dying or breaking down. This is why the first response of survivors is often inexplicably confident and relaxed about the future.
But denial is also a psychological state that can endure forever. In denial, we avoid the cause-and-effect reality of our pain. If our sociopath relationship causes us pain, we look for its causes anywhere but in the sociopath’s bad intention toward us. When we look at our situation with the sociopath, we see the benefits and good potential, rather than the disasters that we’re living through.
Swept Off Our Feet
The purpose of denial is not to reduce the pain, but to avoid acknowledging the cause of it. In our relationships with sociopaths, we have at least two significant reasons for denial. One is that, like a drug pusher, the sociopath has successfully pushed past our normal self-protective boundaries and conditioned us to emotional merger in an environment of “perfect love.” We have lost independence of thought and feeling, and acquired a new need to keep us stable – the “perfect love.” We are now junkies.
The difference between this emotional merger and a healthy love relationship is that the development was dominated by the sociopath. It was conducted in a way that rewarded us for fast emotional response and penalized us for trying to slow it down for rational consideration.
As a result, we do not have a well-understood set of reasons for our involvement, except that this person was so accurate in pushing our buttons. Without those reasons, it is harder for us to go back and compare our current reality with any logical choices that we made. We begin these relationships in disorientation that seems to be “perfect” because it reflects our dreams or emotional needs, but does not reflect our well-boundaried, thoughtful, self-caring identities.
The second and even more compelling reason to avoid acknowledging the cause of our pain is the knowledge of our own collusion. We said yes to this. (It is not until later in the healing process that we understand what we were up against, and forgive ourselves.) If we are causing ourselves this pain, our identities are seriously compromised. We don’t know who we are anymore. If we can’t extricate ourselves from the relationship, the threat to our internal integrity is magnified.
So denial “protects” us from the knowledge that our drug of choice is a destructive force on our lives, and that we are causing our own pain. (One of those facts is true.)
The Impact of Shutting Down
Denial is an act of will. A deliberate not knowing. However, denial does not always occur at the conscious level, especially if we have backgrounds of unhealed childhood abuse. Likewise, major adult trauma – like rape or combat experiences – can overwhelm our everyday trauma-processing skills, making us more likely to “get stuck” at early-stage processing.
Denial is not just a stage in healing. It is also a radical coping response to certain circumstances. If we cannot escape a situation, if we are dependent for survival on the perpetrators of trauma, if we can’t exercise our defensive flight-or-fight impulses without increasing our risk, shutting down our awareness of cause and effect is a way of managing our responses to the situation. Like that first endorphin rush after a painful shock, shutting down is a means of survival.
In later life, if we have never adequately processed and healed from these situations, this type of shutting down may still be our best and final response to any traumatic event. Because it may be embedded in blocked memory, the whole mechanism may occur below the realm of consciousness.
If we are using denial as a self-protective technique, we may have an unusual pain tolerance, a lack of awareness of risk, and a constant “hum” of anxiety interfering with emotional or logical activity. Our knowledge of cause and effect of pain is not destroyed, only blocked. Our protective “alert” system keeps generating emotional noise, trying to draw our attention to the situation. Even after it is long past. Because we have not yet finished learning from it, so we can move on with our identities intact. The fact that this painful trauma is still “live” means that we are reactive to anything that looks like a reoccurrence, causing post-traumatic stress responses.
Magical thinking is the idea that we can alter reality by our thoughts. In many cases, we do influence events by envisioning our preferred outcomes, and acting on opportunities to create the future we want. But when magical thinking becomes the attempt to obliterate feelings that originate in our survival responses, we move into the realm of the impossible and self-destructive. We are attempting to magically change the present, not create the future. Rejecting our feelings splits our psyches into parts of ourselves that we accept and parts that we do not. Fear and rejection of ourselves makes us more likely to view the world in terms of fear and rejection.
For all the problems it creates, denial provides us the gift of time. It enables us to postpone trauma processing until the environment is safer or more supportive, or until we can endure facing the cause-and-effect issues. But until we are ready to move forward, everything we might learn and all our related self-protective emotions are stuffed back into a “La-la-la, I’m not thinking about this now” area of our heads.
The more we stuff, the more emotional static builds up in the background. If the sociopath is depending on our insecurity, instability, or high pain tolerance, denial makes it that much easier for the sociopath to exploit us, because we are not acting self-protectively in response to pain.
How to Care for Ourselves
Denial is probably the most toxic phase of the healing process, because we are not only reeling from painful shock, but also blocking our knowledge and feelings about it. However much we are obsessed by relationship with the sociopath, a much larger and more demanding relationship drama is occurring in our own psyches. We are at war with ourselves.
As others have noted here on Lovefraud, getting over a sociopathic relationship isn’t necessarily a linear process. We may be experiencing multiple stages of healing – including anger and forgiveness – alongside early-stage processing like denial. One reason for this is that the experience of a sociopathic relationship is so multi-layered. We experience trauma related to our beliefs about the world and changes in our material circumstances, as well as our relationships with ourselves.
The fastest way to recover our capacity to deal with other traumas is to fix our relationship with ourselves. Self-hatred drains our energy, hope and creative capacity. Part of this despair is instilled in us by the sociopath’s criticisms and now-you-see-it-now-you-don’t “love,” which are part of their program to separate us from our self-trust and make us more dependent on them. But a more important source of our self-hatred is denial itself. Denial creates an environment of fear and rejection of ourselves.
The Healing Facts
In healing, we do eventually come terms with what we did to ourselves. We get there because we face two simple facts.
One is that we were vulnerable. Our vulnerability came out of the way we were taught, our previous experiences that may have left us with unhealed emotional damage, and the quality of our dreams. All of these things are part of being human. All of these things can be reconsidered and improved to makes us stronger, more able and confident in taking care of ourselves, and more creative and joyful in our lives. These improvements occur during our recovery process.
The other fact is that we were dealing with something we didn’t understand. The sociopathic strategy for predation begins with deliberately disabling other people’s self-protective responses. They do it in order to exploit other people’s social feelings, personal resources and dignity, all to fill incurable deficiencies in their characters and lives. They mask themselves as attractive people we would like to know. Until they show their predatory intentions, we are dealing with an actor playing a role. The fact that we didn’t understand is also human.
We ordinarily don’t get clear information about their intentions until we are hooked, addicted and dependent. At that point, our ability to recognize and act on the information is compromised. This doesn’t make us stupid. It makes us victims. It is pointless and it only perpetuates the trauma to hate the parts of ourselves that are innocent, hopeful, trusting and open to love. We didn’t do this to ourselves.
Getting out of denial is a cause for tears. But they are healthy tears for the right reasons. If we have been blocked in denial for a while, we may have a lot of them to shed. They are part of comforting ourselves, acknowledging our feelings and validating our right to feel them. When we’ve comforted ourselves enough, the tears will stop and we will move on to another part of healing. It does not go on forever.
We have reason to feel sad for ourselves. Something bad happened to us. We didn’t see it coming. We didn’t know what it was. We didn’t know how to protect ourselves. We didn’t know how to get out of it when it got painful. Every bit of it, including our saying yes to it and the emotional addiction that kept us attached, was not our choice. We never would have chosen it, if we understood what was really going on. Grasping the truth that a bad thing that happened to us, rather blaming it on ourselves, is a major part of healing.
To get out of denial, we may have to find the courage to ignore other people’s opinions or embedded ideas about who we “should” be. If we think we “should have been” stronger or smarter, we’re still in denial about our human vulnerability. With other people, we may have to reject with dignity any idea that this is a minor event, that we don’t have the right to take our time healing, and that we were not victimized.
Taking care of ourselves in this way speeds our recovery of self-trust. In our lives, we own the knowledge that this was a major trauma in our lives, and that it is our responsibility to ourselves to fully heal, no matter what it takes, or how long.
Recovering Our Resources
Facing the facts, getting out of self-hate, putting the blame where it belongs frees us to begin the positive work of restructuring our lives. Part of that work is thinking about what the encounter with the sociopath has to teach us. We have learned something about the world. We have also learned something about ourselves. Together, those two types of learning lead us to recreate ourselves in a number of ways.
This creation occurs in an environment of choice, not the desperation that led to denial. We use our new knowledge to develop new habits of self-care and new ideas about what we want out of our lives. All of this is good for us.
Getting out of denial and out of self-hatred also enables us to approach the world a little differently. We don’t feel the need to apologize for who we are. We need to put together a new life. We become more pragmatic, more able to work through our options, more comfortable with temporary failures, because we’re figuring out what works, not struggling to keep the lid on our feelings or to deny part of our history.
Every time we face an uncomfortable fact, we become better at undoing denial. Denial is a temporary tool for managing trauma, but it makes us vulnerable to the sociopath and other avoidable disasters. Becoming more open to truth, even when it is uncomfortable, is our first line of defense of our lives and our real identities.
To recap: A bad thing happened to us. We did not see it coming or understand it when it was happening. We did not cause it. We are survivors, and we’re learning from the experience. In healing, we not only get over our pain, but become better at living than we were before.
Namaste. The courageous, truth-seeking spirit in me salutes the courageous, truth-seeking spirit in you.
Kathy
written by Kathleen Hawk • Permalink •
pb says:
Star,
Our last round was a casual thing. He got sloppy because of it and I got to figure it out.
Nasty? Yes, but it was worth going back and sticking around for – I’d be dead otherwise.
It was a blessing in disguise.
And yes, I am much better off.
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Rune says:
PB: Ultimately knowing the truth is what can save us, right? I didn’t know the truth when I walked out with my suitcase for a short business trip, but I started to have the shakes, flashbacks, repressed memories — and in the several days that the trip gave me, I figured out that I was dealing with something so far outside of “normal” that I was in danger if I ever went back.
However it is that we come to the truth that we are NOT dealing with NORMAL, this is the best VD gift we can possibly give ourselves. Otherwise, we spend our lives wondering “What did I do wrong?!” The answer, when we know the truth is: “Nothing! We did NOTHING wrong, except trust someone who doesn’t have the first notion of being trustworthy, while doing everything under the sun to inspire our trust.
I’m glad you figured it out. And I’m so glad for every other soul who made it to this site. Wherever you are in the process of healing, you are on a good path if you are here.
Celebrate your own heart on this day of hearts.
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pb says:
Rune:
Yup, my doctor and my therapist were concerned that I was disrespecting myself, and I was. But when we hooked up again and he said he still didn’t want anyone to know we were seeing each other…My curiosity was peaked. I had to make something make sense. I knew he had been trashing me to some folks but had no idea how bad it was. So, I stuck around to do some math.
It was so worth it to realize there was no co-dependant psychobabble at play. I was not responsible for his manipulating his way into my heart. And, there was never anything I could’ve done to make him happy, except maybe kill myself.
I’m much better now thank you!
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libelle says:
Star and all the others. Thank you so much for accompanying me through this tough day. I finally realized that it was ALWAYS an “escort service thing” he saw in our “relationship”, not just in the end. It was about winning, and it was not normal! Not as he tried to make me believe in the final card.
Thank you all so much for validating me all the time and sharing the stories with me. When I read about the stories of you all I recognize myself and most important I could see my for a long time buried feelings in them, and I also recognize the X. He is a classic X. Therefore I did not buy into his “normal break up thing”, THIS made me finally angry!!! Last try to devalue me.
But he is maybe also trying to “keep up a decent face” as a coworker of his is the husband of one of my oldest school friends, and he takes violin lessons with the mother of my school friend. They all know me from my early children’s days and they all like me a lot! His landlord is also an old school buddy of ours and was the boy scout leader of my brother. The x’s boss is also a high school colleague and we went to skiing camps together and had lots of fun in the teenage days. Our family is highly respected in this small town, and I am impeccable. It would be very difficult to put on a smear campaign about me. First in the early dating phase through the internet I took it as a good sign that he knows so many people too whom I know and respect as well, but I have to be careful about it as well. It all might backfire!
In the end it is just the detox of some crap no matter how it is called or defined. Toxic waste.
This morning I lay peacefully in bed, I looked at the snow in front of the window in the garden. I got once again in my memory through his yesterday’s card’s lines. It is already much less hurtful, and hopefully the day with lots of good things to do will make the hurt fade away even quicker. Like jeans which get “made look older” by being “stone washed”. I have to “stone wash” the hurt, the memories, and hopefully the anger I finally could develop will help me with it.
Dear pb, I also can relate with you on the sex thing. It was great, and I learned a lot from him and got to like it a lot. With me the last couple of times were awful, I just felt “used”. He definitely wanted me to end the thing.
I am so relieved for having been through all of this and just now look back once more in anger and not having to face it to start again with the whole process. Hopefully now softer parts of my life path are ahead. I wish you all a peaceful sunny sunday.
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BloggerT7165 says:
I have made the comment previously that psychopaths do so much damage because they target and use a person’s strengths against them. People are often aware of and guarded about their own weaknesses but by targeting and using a person’s strengths the psychopath slips by and causes even more harm.
Martha Stout, author of The Sociopath Next Door says, ‘The most universal behavior of unscrupulous people is not directed, as one might imagine, at our fearfulness. It is, perversely, an appeal to our sympathy.’
and I agree with her. Targeting a person’s strengths (compassion and sympathy for others for example) and after that it becomes like the “Frog in the Pot”
(Frog in the Pot is an analogy I like to use when talking about psychopaths and relationships: If one were to take a live frog and drop him into a pot of already boiling water, the frog would be immediately shocked into jumping out of the water. Just like if you were to be in a relationship that was immediately and obviously harmful you would jump out.
However, if one put the same frog into a pot of lukewarm water, and then slowly turned up the heat, because the temperature of the water rises so gradually that the frog doesn’t really ever notice how hot it’s getting until it is to late. This is what frequently happens with psychopaths and because the “heat” in the relationship was turned up so slowly it is often to “boiling” and to late when it is finally noticed)
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akitameg says:
Thank you everybody for being there for me yesterday-VD.
Stargazer– i am going to work on the youtube thing. Good idea!!!!! Thank you—
I will be in search of an accompanist this week.
Any song requests?
“Your No Good”– that old Linda Ronstadt song? just kidding.
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Stargazer says:
Akitameg, I have always love Sarah McLaughlin’s “Angel”. That is my request.
Pb, we all talk so much about no contact. But you sometimes have to have the final confrontation or show down to really see what you’re dealing with. For me, I had to have a friend call him while I listened to the conversation and heard him lying to her. I am also in touch with another member of this site who has not posted lately. She could not keep the nc until one day she had a phone conversation with his gf and told her the truth. The sociopath then called my friend–the member of this site–and proceeded to berate her for calling his gf and telling the truth. In that magical moment she had the revelation that he was really no good. That’s what it took. Now she is in no contact and hasn’t looked back. Sometimes you have to write that final letter or have that final phone call. It’s not enough for people to preach NC at you. You have to see for yourself. If you end it before you’re ready, you will feel incomplete. So as humiliating as it is to get closure, I believe sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. I’m glad I had my gf make that call to him.
So I had an X-rated dream about Patrick Swayze last night. I woke up sobbing and begging him not to hurt me like the last one. I woke up fearful and depressed. I guess I’m not anywhere near healed from the S.
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libelle says:
Dear Star, thank you so much for your remarks! I felt so bad the whole day because it turned out exactly as my sister has told me, but I think I needed this last “hit on my nose”. I must be a BIG masochist.
The last card was THE relief. The second last card I got 10 days ago when he thanked me for the book I sent him in OCTOBER and had almost forgotten about was just “nice”, and I felt the urge to respond to that niceness. BIG MISTAKE! As Kathleen Hawk puts it: whether they are nice or not, it is always bad news! It was him waiting for THAT to bash me.
I saw again it was all about HIM and proving to me his one-upmanship by getting this new GF (he said “you surely find someone too some day”. I have already found two good friends but I take a VERY slow pace with them. I did NOT tell him of course!). It was not about my concerns with our mutual fear or how he sees it. The whole card was one big insult. Finally I could read between the lines, I had to learn this, thanks to “Gem” and her letters. I must say I have learned a lot from you all!
I was finally able today to put all the stuff I kept from him in my garage (the “toxic waste”; letters, theatre brochures, emails, cards etc) in my full garbage bag with all the molded cheese, dust, sneezed in paper tissues, bathroom stuff, rotten food, and on top I put some old dry rosebuds I was about to throw away anyway for the last farewell. My sister suggested to burn it in a fire, but I can’t imagine of a better, hotter place than the furnace of our town, after having rotten a bit in the collection bin I put it right first thing this morning.
I will refuse from now on even thinking about him! And I will solemly burn my diary I kept to keep track of the craziness during and after the “relationship” in my skiing holidays next week.
Thank you so much! Have you all a very nice evening!
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Stargazer says:
Libelle, any guy who doesn’t contact you for 4 months and then thanks you for a gift of 4 months ago definitely has ulterior motives. With the average guy, the motive would be sex. With a sociopath, the motive is power. You played right into his game. But sounds like you learned your lesson. They are sly SOB’s and never to be trusted.
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pb says:
Star:
Yes, I had already done NC twice – for months each time, and there was no way I was going to survive being unable to process what had happened (not that I knew this on a conscious level). It wasn’t enough to know he was treating me poorly. If I didn’t get a handle on what happened – what was happening, how or why he was the way he was; I was bound to repeat it or die trying (Welcome to Crazy: population unknown).
Granted I did intend to go back the last time just for sex, but the minute he walked through the door demanding we still be a secret – I knew I had to get to the bottom of it.
He didn’t need to admit he was an abuser. I didn’t expect that at all, but I don’t think he knew how tenacious I am. I think I was supposed to give up or in a long time ago and he finally realized I wasn’t going anywhere until it was sorted. He hadn’t quite broken me.
His craziness wasn’t working anymore and he knew I couldn’t swallow it – even if I’d wanted to. He knew he had to let me out of “Crazy” long enough to make sense. Then it would be done for good; the gig would be up.
A town called Crazy. Hmmm, just think
“I’m going Crazy, wanna come”
“Don’t ask me, I’ve lost my mind”
“Goin’ Crazy? Can I come too?”
HEH! I could live there, and then be wary of the “sane” people!
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Stargazer says:
The funny thing about NC is that is gets nullified once there is any contact. For instance, I was happily moving on in my life with NC for 5 months. Actually, it was longer because the last time I’d even seen him was in August and hadn’t spoken to him since the first week of July. When he appeared on my site again last week, I immediately started having PTSD symptoms. He didn’t even try to contact me. I wonder if this ever goes away or if it will always reoccur every time S’s make an appearance in our lives. I tend to think I will always have this reaction to him.
A long time ago, I started a thread on sociopaths on that site. A young woman replied that she had dated someone like that but had moved on and has a wonderful bf now. But having his memory brought up was very painful for her, even though she had moved on. I wonder if it will always be like this for us. I got to where I could think about him and talk about him without symptoms. But his appearance on an internet forum really whacked me out.
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pb says:
I can handle his name. I could probably even see him…it’s the sabotage when my unconscious takes over that knocks me on my butt.
I still have nightmares of he and I standing in a gravel parking lot; his family is standing around us in a big circle as he repeatedly punches me in the face. Those days are still crying days. Other days, I don’t remember the nightmares, but I know by the way I feel when I wake up that I dreamt of him – I still cry.
When I hear raised/arguing voices is the worst – I lose it immediately. It doesn’t matter where I am. I was so traumatized from constantly being questioned and followed around to argue, and having nowhere to get away from him, that to hear anything that sounds remotely like arguing sends me into instant crying fits.
I’ve only just managed to start sleeping in my bed again – at least for a few hours a night (don’t know why that is).
I think I went through most of the traumatic stuff before I even figured out what he is. By the time I got it, I was more than ready to get out of Dodge, er…Crazyville.
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Stargazer says:
How long were you with him, pb? Did he actually punch you in the face? Sounds like you have a pretty substantial case of PTSD. I’m hate the impact these creeps have on us long after the fact..
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pb says:
We were acquaintances at work for almost ten years – but I didn’t know him.
We started working on the same show in the spring of 06, and he asked me out in July.
I moved in with him Jan 07. He assaulted me on Sept 28/07 when he realized I was actually going to move and spoil his game of him telling me to get out of his house all the time – and yes, he had me pinned down by my throat and I punched the living crap outta his nose and mouth – I got two good shots in before he punched me in the face four times…Then, three months of court ordered NC before he broke it and conned me.
Then a month after the court date had passed, in May 08, I found out that he had been seeing two women for a couple of months before the assault (I now know there were at least three women on the go). Had I known about the women before court, we’d have been duking it out in court and his ass would’ve been in jail because of the pardon he has. I still kick myself for that!
He tried lying his way out of it and then gave up and refused to discuss it saying “You don’t even know what you’re talking about” and “You don’t deserve the truth.”
Almost four months later I returned – for the sex (!!!) but then the pieces started to fall into place.
I had been in a constant state of apprehension the entire time we lived together. I never knew how many beers he was going to have before he got home, or what he would get upset over when he got there. I was smoking pot mixed 50/50 with tobacco, just to relieve the stress. He was buying the stuff – after all, he had asked me to stop working and move in with him…When I asked him to stop buying the weed, he refused. The second time I asked, he said he was buying it for himself!
Now he tells people that I smoked “ounces” of the stuff monthly! Freak! As if!
And here I am.
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pb says:
Star, He didn’t want me to stop smoking weed because he would have to face his alcoholism…To his thinking, I couldn’t say anything about his drinking as long as I was indulging myself.
It didn’t matter to him that my pot smoking wasn’t affecting our relationship, never mind to the extent his alcohol was, or that I offered to quit if it was a problem for him…and besides, I don’t really smoke the stuff anymore – only if I’m out and someone offers to share maybe, but I don’t go out and get the stuff. I don’t need to – I don’t have him around anymore!
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henry says:
Peaceatlast Are you out there? Did you survive Valentin’s Day? Can you tell me again why we had to do this?
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Stargazer says:
I’m sorry you went through that, pb. That violence was hard to read about. No wonder you have nightmares. Your mind will be more clear the more time goes by, and you can start to understand why you kept going back to that piece of work. These S’s create so much drama for everyone around them. Hugs.
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akitameg says:
Pb–
Wow– I can so much relate to you!
Mine loved the “Get out of my house” game. One time– damn– why did I not leave then– one time he started to physically pick me up and throw me in his backyard. i remember he broke my new purse and the stuff from inside my purse was strewn on his deck.——
Let me ask you–
after mine discarded me the first time- he came back 8 mnths later. I was not healed and still in love with who I thought he was. We were together another 8 onths.
The whole time i was with him the second time PB– I was ANXIOUS, anxious, anxious–
i think– I know my subconcious/my spirit– was telling me- that he would discard me again.
Then he started acting like I was crazy b/c I was nervous all the time.
this all sucks-
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akitameg says:
oops–
i just realiized that I have responded to a thread from over a month ago! Sorry and how the heck did that happen!
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confused2 says:
I just broke up with a S three weeks ago. I known him six months before I became involved with him. I was only with him for five months. I was in denial nearly the whole time, yet I believed he loved me. I’m still going back and forth with the idea he MAY have loved me. Still waiting for him to call me. How sick is that. How can I get him out of my head? I think about him constantly.
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DancingWarrior says:
Dear Kathy,
I am struggling a lot with what you describe as denial.
I have been married for 20 yrs, separated 1 1/2 yrs. I asked for separation, but now feel paralyzed to end the relationship. I doubt myself and question my own instincts and how bad things really were. Is this denial? Am I avoiding the inevitable pain of loss adn grief?
BTW I recently learned that my husband has severe narcissism and have read books about N–it all fits.
I tell myself about the good things: 1) he was reliable as I moved to another continent to marry him and he stayed loyal 2)he encouraged me to get an education and start a career 3) he was a good dad 4) he was a reliable provider 5) he was committed to house improvements and helpful around house chores 5) he did not abuse drugs/alcohol or cheat on me 6) he has a charming funny side that was fun and playful 7) he could be warm and supportive i.e. of my hobbies/career
Then I diminish the bad things:
exploited me for his own gain–i.e. insisted I go to school so we’d have 2 incomes and buy a house HE wanted, and so he could rely on life health benefits thru my job
1) he was verbally abusive
2) locked me out of out house
3) had hostile, mean, angry car rides that made me scared
4) used money threats and maniplation after we separated
5) demeaned me as an object calling me ungrateful after I filed for divorce
6) used threats to convince me to let him move back in
7) blamed all the therapists we went to
9) contolled all my money and refused to share decisions
10) showed no emptahy when i felt hurt by his insults
I see my old wounds blocking me from leaving him–maybe my belief that I am not worthy of being loved better than this? that feeling bad is a price I must pay to receive even any shred of love?
I am angry at myself for feeling needy, helpless, or weak–not confident that I will be better off without him, that he does not make my life bettter, that I give him too much credit.
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ErinBrock says:
This is a great article from Kathleen Hawks series.
A good one for us all.
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brokenpieces says:
This really is a great article! Thanks for bringing it up EB b/c I had not read this one.
When Kathleen wrote:
“My friends: Kathy, what do you mean he’s moving back in with you again? It took you months to stop crying over him last time.
Me: No, it’s really okay. We had a good talk. He’s just needs my support. It was my fault for not trusting him. He really cares about me. He was so tender and open. Can’t you hear how happy I am?
Is it any wonder people think we’re crazy? But until we “learn through” this situation, we may feel as crazy as they think we are.”
This…was me. EXACTLY. Probably a lot of us. My friends have said that same exact thing to me and my answer was just about word for word. I got to the point when I would let him come back that I didn’t even want to tell anybody about it until I absolutely had to because I knew what they would say and think…but I kept taking him back anyway knowing deep down that he probably wouldn’t change but hoping so much that he would that I had to keep giving him..just one last chance…100 times!!! I always justified it to myself like this… Well…I have already invested so much time in this relationship trying to make it work so may as well give him one more chance…maybe this will be the time when he actually changes…but surprise!! he never changed. He knew how to get me…he would say…I want to get back to the way we were when we first met…we can be that way again and if we got through all of this that must mean something so now we will be so much stronger…I was just in a rut…I want a clear path from now on..just you and me..20, 30 years down the road we will be waking up together and will have forgotton about all of this bad, there must be a reason why I always end up here with you…blah blah blah. It is so hard for me to process how these situations all could have been the same. It is like a lot of us all had the EXACT same relationships!!!
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brokenpieces says:
and when I found this site I picked the name brokenpieces because that is exactly how I felt at that time…and now I kind of wished I would have picked a better name for myself like mendingthepieces or something like that. oh well. is what it is.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
brokenpieces – you CAN change your screen name. I logged on first as ‘lostandfearful’ and changed it soon afterward.
i’ll see if i can remember how to do it.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
Meta (on left of page) > Change Profile
Nickname (required): mendingthepieces
Display name publicly as: mendingthepieces
and voila, you can be ‘mendingthepieces’
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mendingthebrokenpieces says:
Thanks onestep!!! That sounds a lot better to me now.
Now I can just be called mending for short! I don’t want to be broken anymore. 
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one_step_at_a_time says:
WOO HOOO!
and when you sign in, you will remember how far you have come; from broken to mending.
i think of it everytime i sign in – i go from lostandfearful to one_step_at_a_time.
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ErinBrock says:
Okay…..so let me just get it straight…..Mending is the new and improved BrokenPeices?
Just so I know who the heck i’m writing too…..I have a hard time keeping track! WHooosh….it all goes out the window!
CRS……
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one_step_at_a_time says:
yep!
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ErinBrock says:
I got a call from the spath.
About an hour ago……..
It’s ironic how he does this…..he ALWAYS calls my house phone……
and DOESN”T BLOCK THE NUMBER?????? He doesn’t speak, I put it on mute and about a minute later he hangs up??????
I could hear the waves crashing, he was on the beach…..
What a dumbshiat!
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one_step_at_a_time says:
LOL
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mendingthebrokenpieces says:
EB,
Do you pick up the phone and put it on mute just so he doesn’t have the opportunity to leave some lovebomb message? I would be scared to even pick it up just for fear that he would get a few words out and make me doubt myself…but it may be worse if he was able to leave some long sobbing message.
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one_step_at_a_time says:
NAW, EB does it to hear the waves….she likes the ocean.
and she has balls of steal.
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Ox Drover says:
Nah, I think she just likes to know that he is thinking about her but doesn’t have the cojones to say a word to her. LOL hee hee
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skylar says:
EB,
I know you are tough and know what the spath is.
I know you will be OK. still, I just want to tell you, that I’m sorry you had to go through that – slime.
They never fail to slime us no matter what. It’s because we are human. We have to keep a constant vigilance against our OWN normal human feelings of sympathy and compassion. How sick is that?
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one_step_at_a_time says:
or maybe its the sound of the wind whistling through his mind…makes her nostalgic.
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ErinBrock says:
LOL One……
Mending:
No, I pick up the phone because last time I did the same…..a year ago august, he had someone waiting outside to break in/on the property and Me being home caught him off guard.
I watched the guy through my security cameras……SCHMUCK!
He also led me right to him, as I didn’t know who the person he called from across the US…..did some research based on the phone number and SHAZAMM…..he was in a new con and at their house…..staying……between the phone number and a news article……up popped the address.
Put the puzzle peices together.
I’ve got a recording of a mans voice with music in background and ofcourse I played it BEFORE i answered the phone when I saw the caller ID.
I say hello (very cheerfully) ONCE….then press mute. (like a hangup)
Ladies……NEVER say hello, hello, heeeeelllllllooooooo, is somebody there???????? it feeds them. They hate it when we say a simple hello and then ahng up when no one talks…..
Lovebomb me……Sorry i’m giggling. If you knew the ‘whole’ story you’d laugh at that too. I’m about 3 years out and 3 years in with a combined stalking and Harassment order AND a DV extended order…….
Earlier on…..yeah…..i’t d suck me right back in, so I completely understand how you’d feel. The lovebomb kept me around for 28 damn years…..
NOW…..I backspath….counter control……do the sams shit back at him. EACH TIME!!!!!
Now…..I know better.
I have NO doubt WHO he is.
I don’t want him or anything to do with anyone who has anything to do with him…….
Answering the phone also creates a record on BOTH phone’s that HE placed the call….(IF ever needed). If it goes to VM it only shows on His phone records.
I guess, when it comes to spath…..there is nothing I take for granted. No benefit of doubt and NO leeway.
I document everything…..this call, well an email went out as an FYI to the authorities and I took a digi pic of the caller ID and phone number/date/time……filed.
I know that each move spath makes leads somewhere, so I will keep an eye out for any trouble, friends of his coming around….whatever……as long as there is an ocean between us…..I FEEL MUCH better!
Just now sure how long he’ll be on that beach with waves…….
Give me time….i’ll figure it out!
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ErinBrock says:
Skylar:
This call caused NO anxiety, no weird slime feelings.
Don’t know if it’s time/distance, don’t know if I was busy and just ‘was’………
Or it’s just become routine and I ‘know’ what i’m going to do if/when this occurs?
I don’t know…….
I do think ‘ahead’ and that’s my vigilance. I have thought of just what exactly I would say when the day comes I ‘bump’ into him…..
I know he’d start with the crapola shiat……
the why’s yadyaday…..
and I’d look at him……cock my head just a touch and say…….
“OH, wasn’t it all just a game”?
And walk away. Nothing further.
That’s what it’s boiled down to….a game with him…..he hunts, I cut him off a tthe turn….He lies, I expose…….
When he told me he was going to put me 6 feet under……and later said he was going to ‘take me to the cleaners’…..
My only response was….GAME ON.
Or maybe I hear the waves and hope he’s caught in a tidle wave and it’ll be the LAST time my phone rings?
Just don’t know…..but no shower needed after this one!
Progress???? Hmmmmmm.
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geminigirl says:
One step, -That is so funny! “Balls of Steal!”
Did she have to steal them? Good one,- one, Hah hah!!
{Maybe she stole them by stealth!}
Love, GemXX
Or {OUCH!}!maybe she hit him in the cojones with steel- capped boots!
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Ox Drover says:
I’m reading a really cool book now “The 48 laws of Power” by Robert Greene, and one of the “laws” is that you should not shut yourself up in a fortress where you do not know what is going on with your enemy, as your fortress becomes a PRISON OF IGNORANCE of what your P is up to.
I realize that NC is best in most circumstances, but in ones like EB’s and mine, where the Psychopath will/is trying to hurt or stalk us, it is a GOOD IDEA to have INFORMATION and know what is going on with them.
Knowing where they are, and any information about what they are up to, who their associates are, and so on, is actually CRITICAL to self-protection.
For the “average psychopath” who is really not trying to physically hurt you, just trying to SUCK YOU BACK IN, yep, NC is an absolute MUST.
Donna keeps up with her X, Liane keeps up with hers since he is out of prison, but we are WAY DOWN THE ROAD from them and they are NOT trying to suck us back in. Knowing what is going on with them is protection, not just curiosity that rips scabs off.
It isn’t even protecting others or being “fixated” by them or on them, just SELF PRESERVATION.
Sometimes it DOES rip a scab off, like in my case, I got triggered by this parole hearing thing where I had to go back through all his letters, and it was almost like re-lilving the chaos and TERROR…but it was something I HAD TO DO for my own protection. Sure I would love to not even think about him, but I know that he will try to kill me if he gets the chance, so it is to my benefit to know what he is planning as much as I can.
Yep, for him it is a GAME, for me it is SURVIVAL. If I can keep him off balance llike with the buddy of his who is a spy and writes to me like he is my “friend”—I give the guy DISINFORMATION about where I am and what I am up to. He thinks I am in Australia right now and is getting cards from there on a weekly basis in my handwriting! LOL He will get Cards from all over the US after I “get back” from Australia in my “travels”—and there’s really no way he can know that I don’t “travel” all the time—at least it is confusing for them. Hard to hunt down someone who is on the move all the time.
So now, I sit and wait—waiting for notification from the parole board about how long before he can go back to them for another request for parole, and then I wait for the egg donor to pass away so I can attack any bequests she gives him for funds (which he would use to track he down and to pay someone to hurt or kill me) She will send him a few commissary bucks between now and when she dies, but at her death I have no doubt there will be tens of thousands of dollars left to him, so I have to try to convince a court that she really intended the funds to go to a CHARITY (NOT me or my other sons, but a charity, and the P-son did UNDUE INFLUENCE, and of course the charity’s attorney will be very willing to help me do this!) If I don’t succeed at that, then I have to go back into hiding.
This is a WELL THOUGHT OUT PLAN of ACTION, not a “reaction” or even a “response.” Keeping advised of what is going on is necessary to my well being, even if it does trigger me sometimes, but it is triggering me LESS AND LESS since It is a PLAN OF ACTION.
NC is the BEST plan of action if it is POSSIBLE.
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kim frederick says:
oxy, i’ve read some of that book. i think it reads like a primer for psychopathy….but it’s really good to get an idea how their minds work, and it’s good for back-spathing techniques. LOL
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ErinBrock says:
Kathleen Hawks articles are PRICELESS!
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