After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 3-Denial
PDF This column is dedicated to my sister, who is my best friend and wise counsel in so much of this learning
In Part 2, I wrote about painful shock, our instantaneous reactions to stabilize us until we have time to heal, and the everyday process that we use to resolve trauma.
In a relationship with a sociopath, something goes wrong with this process. We don’t handle “bad things that happen to us” in an expeditious way. It may be that we do not have skills for fast processing of emotional trauma, because we are burdened by residue of previous trauma. But beyond that, the typical sociopathic technique of recruiting us through seductive love-bombing, followed by withdrawal of positive attention, can disable our normal responses.
Instead of clearly recognizing that we are victims of abuse, we become confused about our own involvement. Because we responded positively to the seduction, we are from the beginning volunteers or collaborators in what happened to us. When our “perfect lovers” inexplicably turn cold, critical and demanding, we are left dealing with emotional attachments to our precious memories. This chaotic emotional landscape sets the stage for further emotional abuse and predation.
Adapting to the Unthinkable
Denial is the topic of this piece. In denial, we assume that we have power over certain aspects of our relationship with a sociopath. It is a form of magical thinking. It also plays an important role in recovery.
My friends: Kathy, what do you mean he’s moving back in with you again? It took you months to stop crying over him last time.
Me: No, it’s really okay. We had a good talk. He’s just needs my support. It was my fault for not trusting him. He really cares about me. He was so tender and open. Can’t you hear how happy I am?
Is it any wonder people think we’re crazy? But until we “learn through” this situation, we may feel as crazy as they think we are.
In the Kubler-Ross model of grief processing after receiving a terminal diagnosis, denial is a rejection of reality. “This isn’t happening to me.” It is the same difficulty we face in the loss of a loved one, absorbing the information that a life resource has disappeared. First response to trauma often includes a massive rush of endorphins (the “feel good” brain chemical) that anesthetizes pain and helps prevent us from dying or breaking down. This is why the first response of survivors is often inexplicably confident and relaxed about the future.
But denial is also a psychological state that can endure forever. In denial, we avoid the cause-and-effect reality of our pain. If our sociopath relationship causes us pain, we look for its causes anywhere but in the sociopath’s bad intention toward us. When we look at our situation with the sociopath, we see the benefits and good potential, rather than the disasters that we’re living through.
Swept Off Our Feet
The purpose of denial is not to reduce the pain, but to avoid acknowledging the cause of it. In our relationships with sociopaths, we have at least two significant reasons for denial. One is that, like a drug pusher, the sociopath has successfully pushed past our normal self-protective boundaries and conditioned us to emotional merger in an environment of “perfect love.” We have lost independence of thought and feeling, and acquired a new need to keep us stable – the “perfect love.” We are now junkies.
The difference between this emotional merger and a healthy love relationship is that the development was dominated by the sociopath. It was conducted in a way that rewarded us for fast emotional response and penalized us for trying to slow it down for rational consideration.
As a result, we do not have a well-understood set of reasons for our involvement, except that this person was so accurate in pushing our buttons. Without those reasons, it is harder for us to go back and compare our current reality with any logical choices that we made. We begin these relationships in disorientation that seems to be “perfect” because it reflects our dreams or emotional needs, but does not reflect our well-boundaried, thoughtful, self-caring identities.
The second and even more compelling reason to avoid acknowledging the cause of our pain is the knowledge of our own collusion. We said yes to this. (It is not until later in the healing process that we understand what we were up against, and forgive ourselves.) If we are causing ourselves this pain, our identities are seriously compromised. We don’t know who we are anymore. If we can’t extricate ourselves from the relationship, the threat to our internal integrity is magnified.
So denial “protects” us from the knowledge that our drug of choice is a destructive force on our lives, and that we are causing our own pain. (One of those facts is true.)
The Impact of Shutting Down
Denial is an act of will. A deliberate not knowing. However, denial does not always occur at the conscious level, especially if we have backgrounds of unhealed childhood abuse. Likewise, major adult trauma – like rape or combat experiences – can overwhelm our everyday trauma-processing skills, making us more likely to “get stuck” at early-stage processing.
Denial is not just a stage in healing. It is also a radical coping response to certain circumstances. If we cannot escape a situation, if we are dependent for survival on the perpetrators of trauma, if we can’t exercise our defensive flight-or-fight impulses without increasing our risk, shutting down our awareness of cause and effect is a way of managing our responses to the situation. Like that first endorphin rush after a painful shock, shutting down is a means of survival.
In later life, if we have never adequately processed and healed from these situations, this type of shutting down may still be our best and final response to any traumatic event. Because it may be embedded in blocked memory, the whole mechanism may occur below the realm of consciousness.
If we are using denial as a self-protective technique, we may have an unusual pain tolerance, a lack of awareness of risk, and a constant “hum” of anxiety interfering with emotional or logical activity. Our knowledge of cause and effect of pain is not destroyed, only blocked. Our protective “alert” system keeps generating emotional noise, trying to draw our attention to the situation. Even after it is long past. Because we have not yet finished learning from it, so we can move on with our identities intact. The fact that this painful trauma is still “live” means that we are reactive to anything that looks like a reoccurrence, causing post-traumatic stress responses.
Magical thinking is the idea that we can alter reality by our thoughts. In many cases, we do influence events by envisioning our preferred outcomes, and acting on opportunities to create the future we want. But when magical thinking becomes the attempt to obliterate feelings that originate in our survival responses, we move into the realm of the impossible and self-destructive. We are attempting to magically change the present, not create the future. Rejecting our feelings splits our psyches into parts of ourselves that we accept and parts that we do not. Fear and rejection of ourselves makes us more likely to view the world in terms of fear and rejection.
For all the problems it creates, denial provides us the gift of time. It enables us to postpone trauma processing until the environment is safer or more supportive, or until we can endure facing the cause-and-effect issues. But until we are ready to move forward, everything we might learn and all our related self-protective emotions are stuffed back into a “La-la-la, I’m not thinking about this now” area of our heads.
The more we stuff, the more emotional static builds up in the background. If the sociopath is depending on our insecurity, instability, or high pain tolerance, denial makes it that much easier for the sociopath to exploit us, because we are not acting self-protectively in response to pain.
How to Care for Ourselves
Denial is probably the most toxic phase of the healing process, because we are not only reeling from painful shock, but also blocking our knowledge and feelings about it. However much we are obsessed by relationship with the sociopath, a much larger and more demanding relationship drama is occurring in our own psyches. We are at war with ourselves.
As others have noted here on Lovefraud, getting over a sociopathic relationship isn’t necessarily a linear process. We may be experiencing multiple stages of healing – including anger and forgiveness – alongside early-stage processing like denial. One reason for this is that the experience of a sociopathic relationship is so multi-layered. We experience trauma related to our beliefs about the world and changes in our material circumstances, as well as our relationships with ourselves.
The fastest way to recover our capacity to deal with other traumas is to fix our relationship with ourselves. Self-hatred drains our energy, hope and creative capacity. Part of this despair is instilled in us by the sociopath’s criticisms and now-you-see-it-now-you-don’t “love,” which are part of their program to separate us from our self-trust and make us more dependent on them. But a more important source of our self-hatred is denial itself. Denial creates an environment of fear and rejection of ourselves.
The Healing Facts
In healing, we do eventually come terms with what we did to ourselves. We get there because we face two simple facts.
One is that we were vulnerable. Our vulnerability came out of the way we were taught, our previous experiences that may have left us with unhealed emotional damage, and the quality of our dreams. All of these things are part of being human. All of these things can be reconsidered and improved to makes us stronger, more able and confident in taking care of ourselves, and more creative and joyful in our lives. These improvements occur during our recovery process.
The other fact is that we were dealing with something we didn’t understand. The sociopathic strategy for predation begins with deliberately disabling other people’s self-protective responses. They do it in order to exploit other people’s social feelings, personal resources and dignity, all to fill incurable deficiencies in their characters and lives. They mask themselves as attractive people we would like to know. Until they show their predatory intentions, we are dealing with an actor playing a role. The fact that we didn’t understand is also human.
We ordinarily don’t get clear information about their intentions until we are hooked, addicted and dependent. At that point, our ability to recognize and act on the information is compromised. This doesn’t make us stupid. It makes us victims. It is pointless and it only perpetuates the trauma to hate the parts of ourselves that are innocent, hopeful, trusting and open to love. We didn’t do this to ourselves.
Getting out of denial is a cause for tears. But they are healthy tears for the right reasons. If we have been blocked in denial for a while, we may have a lot of them to shed. They are part of comforting ourselves, acknowledging our feelings and validating our right to feel them. When we’ve comforted ourselves enough, the tears will stop and we will move on to another part of healing. It does not go on forever.
We have reason to feel sad for ourselves. Something bad happened to us. We didn’t see it coming. We didn’t know what it was. We didn’t know how to protect ourselves. We didn’t know how to get out of it when it got painful. Every bit of it, including our saying yes to it and the emotional addiction that kept us attached, was not our choice. We never would have chosen it, if we understood what was really going on. Grasping the truth that a bad thing that happened to us, rather blaming it on ourselves, is a major part of healing.
To get out of denial, we may have to find the courage to ignore other people’s opinions or embedded ideas about who we “should” be. If we think we “should have been” stronger or smarter, we’re still in denial about our human vulnerability. With other people, we may have to reject with dignity any idea that this is a minor event, that we don’t have the right to take our time healing, and that we were not victimized.
Taking care of ourselves in this way speeds our recovery of self-trust. In our lives, we own the knowledge that this was a major trauma in our lives, and that it is our responsibility to ourselves to fully heal, no matter what it takes, or how long.
Recovering Our Resources
Facing the facts, getting out of self-hate, putting the blame where it belongs frees us to begin the positive work of restructuring our lives. Part of that work is thinking about what the encounter with the sociopath has to teach us. We have learned something about the world. We have also learned something about ourselves. Together, those two types of learning lead us to recreate ourselves in a number of ways.
This creation occurs in an environment of choice, not the desperation that led to denial. We use our new knowledge to develop new habits of self-care and new ideas about what we want out of our lives. All of this is good for us.
Getting out of denial and out of self-hatred also enables us to approach the world a little differently. We don’t feel the need to apologize for who we are. We need to put together a new life. We become more pragmatic, more able to work through our options, more comfortable with temporary failures, because we’re figuring out what works, not struggling to keep the lid on our feelings or to deny part of our history.
Every time we face an uncomfortable fact, we become better at undoing denial. Denial is a temporary tool for managing trauma, but it makes us vulnerable to the sociopath and other avoidable disasters. Becoming more open to truth, even when it is uncomfortable, is our first line of defense of our lives and our real identities.
To recap: A bad thing happened to us. We did not see it coming or understand it when it was happening. We did not cause it. We are survivors, and we’re learning from the experience. In healing, we not only get over our pain, but become better at living than we were before.
Namaste. The courageous, truth-seeking spirit in me salutes the courageous, truth-seeking spirit in you.
Kathy
written by Kathleen Hawk • Permalink •
Matt says:
lostingrief:
You’re probably right. I discovered he was a thief on my birthday when I discovered he had the audacity to steal from our nieghbor’s place in Greece. Happy birthday, huh?
Also, if ever there was a piece of jewelry that wasn’t my taste, it was that one.
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Is opn says:
All; Shoot the messenger for wanting to be happy. It is hell, but I want to get out and stay out of the fire. The S prolongs the hell with negative, angry feelings he has left me with. He has won and wants it that way. Never to be happy again.
Bolonga. I am attempting happiness. Shoot the messenger, S does. He has been financially destructive in ways to compromise a way of living with a family. I will be darned if he creates and destroys the future.
I feel for what you have gone through with an S, all of you. Who else knows an S so well? Can’t we be happy and still have feelings of anger, that fade?
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Joy says:
Oxdrover Thanks for the welcome to this special club and Stargazer glad you enjoyed my visual of smores prep. As to Valentine’s Day… I’m buying myself a dozen roses in my favorite color… The one the SP could never remember just like after 9 years he couldn’t state the color of my eyes. So this year I get exactly what I want and I don’t have to fret or wonder if I’ll even get anything. There’s a song called White Horse by Taylor Swift. Only I am a princess and My life will be a fairy tale only minus the Prince cause who really needs him. Also there is a book by Sarah Ban Breathnach called Romancing the Ordinary. All about self love cause we can be as good to ourselves as we choose to be. I figure the ex will be giving the gf my wedding ring and a proposal since it is about that time for him. Trust me I’m getting the better present this year. But damn it was nice ring. I think I said yes more to the ring than to the man.
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Is opn says:
Negativity and anger are good. So is being happy.
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Wini says:
Joy: Take it from me who witness almost 25 years of adulterous affairs at work … (yes, I did work in a cesspool) … when the affair ends (and they always end … very badly as a matter of fact) the subordinate will ensure she destroys your EX every chance she can.
Like clockwork … it happens all the time. What are they thinking?
Meanwhile, sit back and watch the fireworks.
Peace.
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shabbychic2 says:
I hit the wall on Christmas Eve… no call, no gift, (couldn’t he buy one with MY money?) I called the day after Christmas and got yelled at. I never really got over it. Opened my eyes (finally, duh).
Anyway, I’ve decided that I am going to be happy, that I am going to control my thoughts, not the mindless thinker in my head. It’s a daily struggle, but today was ok.
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FirstThingsFirst says:
KH: “We did not see it coming or understand it when it was happening.” There are phrases, certain sentences in your article that are very accurate for me.
I did not see it coming. When it was happening, when he treated me poorly, I thought that it was a symptom of his “depression.” I attributed his acting badly toward me as his problem, not my probem but it was my problem i.e. a problem for me, I just didn’t see it that way.
My friends kept saying, “He’s disrespecting you! He’s disrespecting you!,” but I didn’t see it.
I sober myself on LF and receive validation and vicarious support reading the discussions but sometimes I just feel sick when it hits too close to home.
I still occasionally “check” on him — through one of those stupid social networking cites. I know, I know NC. . . . The checking just hurts me.
The s/p always told me he was lonely, even when I was sitting right next to him, even when I was doing all I could for him. He would tell me that he had always been lonely, but now I think that when he said “lonely” he really meant “empty.”
I am too vulnerable to share many of the details but glad you all are here.
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FirstThingsFirst says:
Lostingrief said, “i used to call him the ‘hungry ghost.’ in buddism, this is the most unevolved level of the realms where, no matter how much you get or have, it’s never enough.”
How true! Nothing I ever did was enough. His needs are/were insatiable. His need for support, for money, for attention is like a bottomless pit.
Sometimes, the level to which he needed my attention would creep me out. Say we were in a car and I fell silent because I was merely in my own thoughts, he would say “What’s wrong?” It’s as if he immediately sensed that I was no longer paying attention to him or keyed into him.
He does not care about me. If he did, he would not have treated me with the dishonesty, disregard, and deceipt with which he did. It did not matter that I cared for him or loved him. It did not matter that I was loyal and abiding. But it matters to me.
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Stargazer says:
I think where there is NC there is hope. I was pretty devastated having to leave my reptile forum because the S has returned there with two different user names. But tonight as I lay down to sleep I let relaxation seep into my body and let all the stress go for the day. I realized that if I can do this lying down to sleep, I can do it at any time. One of the members of the site called me last night. I had never spoken to that member before. We had such a fun conversation, laughing and gossiping about people on the forum. I was pretty lighthearted by the end of the night. I think once I break my addiction to that internet forum, the S will once again be out of my life, and I can move on. There is life after internet forums. If he ever shows up here, though, I think I will just shoot myself.
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truebeliever says:
Yes, I feel your pain too Matt and everyone in our “flock” on this upcoming Valentines’ Day. I got married to my wonderfully romantic S in Jamaica on Valentines Day two years ago. Last year at this time I was dealing with the horrific realization that I was in a very very bad situation after only one year of marriage. This year, I am in a “process” of getting divorced and getting my life back to some semblance of recognition. I am happier but I miss the person I used to be too. I miss the innocence and care free happiness that I used to feel. The freedom and no financial stress. I am stronger in ways and have a “new improved” label. But I grieve the woman that I was at times. I went for a walk today and thought about the card that I would like to send my S. I am sure you will appreciate the humor in this: Front: bed and stockings, “Want to have hot steamy sex on Valentines’ Day?”
Inside: “GO F##k YOURSELF!” Thought I would share this in the safety of the “flock”.
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Stargazer says:
ha ha ha. Love that card. I’m still looking for a bumper sticker that says “I still miss my ex. But my aim is improving.” LOL
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Stargazer says:
TrueBeliever,
You just gave me an idea for a line of cards to send to your ex S. I don’t believe Hallmark makes those.
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truebeliever says:
Flock? well, I re-read this article about the “power of the flock” and thought of everyone here on Love Fraud. Here it is….
1# When each goose flaps its wings, it creates uplift for the birds that follow. and by flying in a V formation, the whole flock adds 71 % greater flying range and is able to fly 75% faster than if each bird flew alone.
#2 When a bird falls out of formation, it feels the drag and resistance of flying alone and quickly rejoins the flock.
#3 When the lead goose tires, it rotates back into the formation and another goose flies into the point position.
#4 The geese flying in the V formation “honk” to encourage those up front to keep up their speed. (Cheering so to speak.)
#5 When a goose gets sick or wounded two geese always drop down to help or protect it. So if we have as much sense as a goose, we will stand by each other in difficult times as well as when we are strong. Though I frequently want to fly off on my own, I remember the power of the flock. May God help us be as wise as a goose. Much LOVE to you ALL my wonderful FLOCK! HONK !HONK! HONK!
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truebeliever says:
Stargazer, LMAO Loved the bumper sticker! We should come up with a whole line of cards, t-shirts, and cards….
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Matt says:
truebeliever and stargazer:
Love both the sentiments. Greeting cards aren’t a bad idea, but based on the revenge fantasies most of us have expressed on this site, I think we could make a killing in the interactive market.
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Stargazer says:
Make a “killing”? ha ha ha ha ha. Good choice of words!!!
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Stargazer says:
Okay, Truebeliever, your post about the flock reminded me of a Gary Larson comic (Far Side) I saw a while back. A flock of birds were flying in V formation. The leader had flown into a pole, while the others flew on head. The caption underneath read “The perils of being a leader”. LOLOL
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OxDrover says:
Dear Truebeliever,
That is a very good analogy of LF—because we do up-lift each other, or I guess “lift up” is more correct—and the “honking” we do to encourage each other to keep on flying helps us all…both the honker and the honk-ee. Glad you arrived in our flock, KEEP FLAPPING AND KEEP HONKING!
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akitameg says:
sorry to be a pain- but can I please ask someone or someones- the more the better to reach out to me.
I have had nc since Oct. 3rd as you most likely know.——–
I am “jonsesing”– it is Valentines’s==
I so want to contact him, but have thought of a way to do it where he would not be sure if it were me– you know– from another email account.
I miss him and i am hurting sooooo badly. I feel I will never, ever, ever get over this. Like a crack addict.
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akitameg says:
or pretend I am a friend of Meg–
this is horrible.
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Matt says:
akitameg:
Hang on. This holiday brings out the worst in us — even more than XMAS.
Don’t contact him. Don’t ask me why, but I swear sociopaths are psychic. I swear mine could read my mind. If you contact him, even anonymously, based on the fact you’ll be contacting him on V-Day, I’ll bet he’ll figure out it’s you.
And even if he doesn’t, I can guaranty that you’ll end spooking yourself that he will figure out it’s you. Hell, just based on my limited contact regarding the financial issues I’m trying to resolve with S, I’m on edge wondering if and how he’s going to strike back.
The stress isn’t worth it. Go out and drown your sorrows in Haagen Daaz. Or a good scotch. Or both.
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akitameg says:
Matt — thank you so much. THis is worse than Xmas b/c it seems to be about the eros/love relationship between two adults.
I know mine was psychic. LIke a snake or a shark. I could “think” something and he would say it out loud. I am not even kidding.
If my blood sugar was dropping (I am hypoglycemic)– he– without me even saying or doing anything would say– “We gotta get you something to eat.”
If I gained or lost a pound or two– he could tell me what my weight was!!
No wonder they are so good in bed.
YOu are very smart Matt to tell me what you just did. Thank you so very
much.
You know what? I have to tell on myself here-
I think that a part of me wants him to know it would be me–b/c it is VDay. Well screw that– he had a chance to be with one heck of a beautiful, lovely, talented girl. He had a woman who not long ago performed in restuarants and clubs and you could hear a pin drop between her last note and applause.– you stupid psyco loser!
By the way my friends– I sang “My FUnny Valentine” today and was told it sounded great– by another singer!!! Wish we had mics on this blog– I would love to sing songs of love to you all!!! I have been to ill and depressed to sing, but I think if it was for you guys– I could do it out of love!!!
Let’s put together a Lovefraud cd– any ideas?
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Stargazer says:
Meg,
DON’T DO IT! You will set yourself back eons if you do. Stay busy. Take yourself out to a movie. Go out with a friend. Do your taxes. Do whatever you have to do. The holiday will be over soon. I would love to hear you sing. Maybe you could make a youtube video and post the link?
I’m starting to get the idea that the army gave my ex a slap on the wrist and that’s why he’s back on my reptile forum saying hard times are over now. I keep asking the army what happened, and I keep getting evasive answers. I finally emailed the captain and said that as the key witness in the investigation I feel I have a right to know what happened. The thought that he got out with maybe a minor demotion (and still a pension) would really really piss me off, especially after all the many months that dragged by while I was helping with their investigation.
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henry says:
Meg Meg Meg – Been one year no contact for me, you would think by now he would be a distant memory. I don’t hurt like you are hurting anymore, but like a fool I have been hoping for a Valintine card, didnt get a Xmas car either or a birthday card. I didnt get a single card the three years he was living with me..guess I just dont exsist as far as he is concerened. I am glad I have not tracked him down, there have been some moments the past year when I was so tempted. He did me so wrong, the only pride I have left is the no contact initiated by me. I dont know what would happen if I contacted him but it would only hurt, that I am sure of,,,Meg it does get better, even when I am at my lowest point missing him, I know what I yearn for is not actually him but what he represented. Some day I am going to be happy again and sure of myself, that is who I want him to see, not the brainwashed victim that he enjoyed messing with…he never loved me, so I am hanging on to my pride and staying no contact – forever..
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henry says:
xmas car , meant to say xmas card – yeah right dream on!!!
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shabbychic2 says:
akitameg: I have felt like calling the man I was seeing (or supporting, ha ha) all day, we never really even “broke up”, I haven’t heard from him in 2 weeks, and I am not going to call, that’s what I keep telling myself. I feel the same as you do, I miss him. I don’t like being alone. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of feeling like I am chasing him.
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libelle says:
Meg, I am in complete agreement with Star, Henry and Shabbychic2, please do not do it! Do NOT contact him!!!!
I just got MY Valentine’s Day card from him, written on Friday 13th, (very appropriate!), in response to my email I was sending him stupidly last week in response to his card thanking me after 4 months NC. I have sent him a book on fear in the beginning of October last year and already forgotten about it. In this card 10 days ago he wrote that he has read the book and thanked me a lot for sending it to him. He has learned a lot about himself and has improved and it seemed to me as if he would like to hook me back in by mentioning the four bottles of fine French Burgundy I had in his cellar for good times which never happened. I wrote him back an email four days later not contacting me anymore but stupidly told him about my healing process, how this book has helped me to understand him better, helped to understand myself better and how it possibly could be why the relationship did not work. I did not mention the word Narcissist or Psychopath. I also told him about my cleaning up with my life and that I am thankful for the time with him which is over now.
The Valentine Card stirred up LOTS of bad feelings. He wrote that for someone who never wants HIM to contact ME again I was writing AWFUL LONG emails (this enraged me most, as it was pointing straight ahead to my soft point of not wanting him to contact me and CONTACTING HIM! FOR BREAKING THE NC!!! AND HE REALIZED IT AND POINTED STRAIGT TO IT! HE IS SO CLEVER! That’s why I loved him on the spot!)
NC IS VITAL!!!!
It was like a “final report” on our “relationship”, which turned out to be a good one for him, he has good memories about it, and he mentioned the sex being always good.
(this point came first! In the end phase he complained about that the sex was not good anymore; but overall and in retrospect: Hooray! Sarcasm here).
Also the talking with me was interesting and he liked to take me out to the theatre and the like, but it just did not work out, nothing more, as lots of other couples don’t get along well and split up!
(That gave me a feeling of : am I the nutcase or what???? Maybe he is right??? Do I exagerate??? Why have I such difficulties????)
He also mentioned he has met after intense search a new girlfriend about whom he has good feelings. She is 46 years old as he is, 40 kg and psychiatrist MD.
(either she is a dwarf, he is 186 cm tall, or anorectic; why did he mention her weight? I am 162 cm, 56 kg, and I am wearing a 0, just found out this today at shopping for summer clothes at an outlet. I would be a skeletton with 16 kg less. Anyway I am quite concerned that she seems to be a new LF candidate to join our “club”….).
My suggestion of him keeping the wines as a “fee for consulting services to improve my life” is complete rubbish to him.
(In case he did not want them, I wrote that he could drop them at my sister’s office. The X and my sister live in the same town about 5 min walk away. After the break up they never met, she saw him once from far at a community celebration; my parents also live there, and I grew up there, it is 60 miles from where I live now)
He would return my bottles to me of course, and that he would give them to my sister when he sees her, or my sister could go to him to get it. He also mentioned he owed her something (???)
I rang my sister immediately NOT to get the wine. She completely agreed with me, then she told me to throw away the card, but I keep it in my garage along with the other “toxic waste”.
NCNCNC!!!!!!
For his new girlfriend I think she is a professional (doesen’t mean ANYTHING though!!!), gets support hopefully as she needs it, and the HUGE red flags are there, and maybe she has also to take some classes in the “School of hard knocks” as Oxy put it some time ago. And I kind of envyed her at first for her honeymoon she now must be in, but it was immediately replaced by feeling sorry for her, and I hope she can cope with it being seemingly already a frail person. Doctors have a shortened life expectancy by almost 8 years compared to the average population because of suicides and unhealthy life style.
Thanks for letting me write down my stupidities here and I just can encourage all of you for NOT CONTACTING THEM ANY MORE IN ANY WAY!!!
Star, after this experience I also would quit the snake-site! One can’t beat the system! I also would suggest not to contact this officer. You won’t change a thing, and it makes you even more angry when you finally find out the unconvenient truth that the army was “in dubio pro reo” (in doubt for the accused), and that they found some way to punish him less than you thought would be appropriate. It hurts and makes you look like the pissed off ex, as I look now in fact in respect to the professional psychiatrist MD new friend, by trying to “improve” my ex through psychology books and making assumptions on fear. I feel quite embarrassed and ashamed, as I have no proper education in psychiatry, and I have to deal with that as well. (maybe thats’s why he mentioned her profession to me??)
I just came home from a very nice evening (fine food, good talks, good film: Slumdog millionaire) with a calm nice man, after having had an afternoon with lots of fun with my sister at the outlet improving the economy, but it all vanished as I opened my letterbox.
Getting cards of this kind sucks!!!! (and I JUST got cards like this from him, ALL were in this style, even the “nice” ones, like the ones “Gem” got: purposeful, taxing, devaluing, judging, not friendly, embarrassing!!!) Don’t even THINK of longing for cards of this kind!!!
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Stargazer says:
libelle, libelle. NO CONTACT!!!!!!!!! If he keeps contacting you, email him and ask him not to contact you any more. If he continues, tell him you will consider it harassment. Then change your phone number, your email, whatever you have to do. I know part of you wants to believe maybe deep down he still loves you. It gets much easier when you let go of that. I will tell you right now, he doesn’t. If he did, you wouldn’t be here. Period. None of us would if our exes loved us. Most of the hell you go through in the beginning (or even the middle) is because you still have a shred of hope. When you let go of hope, all you have left are the raw feelings, which you can get through. It doesn’t seem like life can go on without this person you felt this deep connection with. Let me tell you, it does. You guys can do this.
I am most definitely leaving the reptile site. I just got the run-around from the army captain. They basically used me for information, promising to keep me in the loop. Then they discarded me just like the ex did. I can get really angry about it. Or I can walk. I choose to just walk. He won the battle. But eventually his lies will catch up with him. I need to move on with my life. Maybe some day, I will start my own reptile site. Meanwhile, when they start the “Where’s Stargazer” thread on my old site, my good friends will say I’ve been busy, have met someone and we’re thinking about starting our own reptile site together. LOL Hopefully, at that point, it will be true! The rage we have toward our S’s and all the systems that fail us can either propel us to fight, or drain our energy. I think it’s important to pick your battles. If you feel you can win, fight. If you feel like your life is turning into an abyss of rage, walk. Anger ages you and puts you in a weakened condition. I am just going to focus on where I want to go in life.
I looked at a gorgeous apartment yesterday. It costs slightly less than my condo and is much nicer. There are lots of singles in the community, and there is a workout room and pool. I am focusing on trying to get my current lender to reduce my mortgage so I can rent the place out and move into the nice apartment and start my new life. At 48. If they turn me down, I will find a way to get into that apartment, even if I go into foreclosure to do it. Watch me do it. It’s just an apartment. Doesn’t seem like much. But for me, it is something to get excited about.
Regarding holidays, the media really does program us. When you think about it, Valentines Day is another day. When you are sitting in front of your computer, does Cupid buzz by and whisper in your ear? Do pink hearts fall from the ceiling? NO. It’s another evening you have off to do whatever you want to do with it!!!! I just had a long conversation with a good friend in Florida who made me laugh and forget my problems. I hope to have a lot of these conversations without the site to go to any more. Life goes on. I absolutely refuse to let this creep drag me down! Sending hugs to everyone.
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Stargazer says:
I also wanted to mention that even though my ex appeared on my reptile site, triggering an episode of PTSD, I have not had the slightest feeling of desire or longing for him. 6 months ago, I never would have believed that could happen. TOWANDA!
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henry says:
Valintines Day = singles awareness day – it sucks being alone on holidays, but Holidays with him sucked as well – so just be glad all the crap is behind us and next time we will do it better or not—-anything is better than what we had – thats the way I fell anywho..
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shabbychic2 says:
star: i am looking forward to the day when thinking about him triggers nothing. i am going out with some of my friends tonight, i just called them because i was sitting here feeling sorry for myself and was about to cry… trying to break old habits. i’m forcing myself to go out. towanda! (mine is in lower case on purpose haha).
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libelle says:
Thank you star! Yea, you are right.
“I know part of you wants to believe maybe deep down he still loves you. It gets much easier when you let go of that. I will tell you right now, he doesn’t. If he did, you wouldn’t be here.”
I just THOUGHT all was over, but I felt at the moment I read his card to thank me for sending him the book that there was maybe a connection that I tried to end with this email, and now HE ENDED IT, and HE IS SAYING THAT I AM A NUTCASE!!!! All of a sudden I am back right away put on “field one”, and I HAVE LOST!!!! HE ended it NOW! THE FINAL DEVALUATION. HE told me that I should get OVER IT, that it is JUST A NORMAL BREAK UP!!! THAT IS KILLING ME NOW. THE MORE I THINK ABOUT THE ANGRIER I GET!!!
Definitely some more healing to do. But the anger FINALLY IS HERE! I did NOT have anger towards X, I thought I could transfer my “old” anger I had and expressed towards my P-father years ago onto him; nope. Probably I have to redo some anger-work with him as well, who knows.
Anyway I feel much better now, and I feel comforted by re-reading the original posts that validate my feelings he was trying to destroy by this stupid card, as always. He has not changed, even with my book! Definitely toxic waste!!
Thank you all and hugs and nght-night!
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Stargazer says:
Good for you, shabbychic!! I would do the same thing if I were feeling down too. I had a massage client tonight who had just had a break up yesterday. I felt so bad for her. It actually made me feel good to be single. I can’t stand all the connotations of this holiday and all the media hype. I’m convinced that many a good relationship are ruined over this holiday.
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Stargazer says:
Libelle, good for you. You are angry because you are finally realizing what he is and the games he plays. You are very justified in being angry. Anger helps us set boundaries with others. It is a very useful emotion. And another thing I’ve learned about anger. It can be let go of in an instant through an act of will once it has served its useful purpose. I was so angry earlier tonight, I was shaking. I just made this decision not to waste my energy on this BS. He’s not worth it. When I was in the midst of the rage, I enjoyed a few murderous fantasies. I shared them with my good friends who also hate him. He is a snake lover, so I told them we should send him a gaboon viper (one of the deadliest of snakes) and label is as a “boa”. We got a good laugh out of it. We discussed all the options of how/whether to expose him, fight with the army, go to Channel 9 News, etc., etc.. We came to the conclusion that everything we would do would probably backfire. So I let go. I feel so much better now. The anxiety has lessened too. I think I’m experiencing some personal power. I never realized before how much power I had over my moods.
After you realize that the S does not love you and never loved you, that it is a game, it is really really tempting to try to beat him at his game. I will not say that he will beat you every time. He may or may not. But playing the game will wear you down and waste valuable time and energy.
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nic says:
My husband just came over at 9:00 p.m. to drop off a valentine for our daughter and his stepdaughter. Our daughter was crying saying she didn’t want to go with him. I told him that is ashame that she is doing that. He only gets her one day a week.
I wanted to go out tonight but I didn’t have a sitter. He is out running around doing what he wants. I can’t stand him. He told me that I bad mouth him to our daughter and that is why she acts that way about going with him. How can I bad mouth to a 2 yr.old? I asked could he stay with her for a few minutes and play and he said he had something to do. I guess he was taking his mistress out.
I am just so angry and I can’t wait until this day is over! My husband never loved any of us. His life is a game and I don’t want to play anymore.
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Rune says:
Many years ago when I was battling with an S/P over all sorts of post-marital drama, I had a fantasy. I would hire a WWII bomber, load it up with organic fertilizer (Oxy? Do you know a source?) and I would drop the load directly on his house.
Notice that this would have required so many accomplices and so much money that it was an impossible fantasy, which kept me well clear of anything that was prosecutable. But it sure was fun at the time!
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pb says:
Akitameg:
“After the three month honeymoon and he moved in, the sex changed. Or at least my feeling about it changed. It started to feel very mechanical to me, like we were actors in a porno.”
Sex with my N was always fantastic, even when it wasn’t – if that makes sense. He’s rather uninhibited.
The “mechanical” thing rings so true to me because I soon realized sex was his way of erasing any nasty spots between us. Sex made everything, especially his abuse, okay (to him). It reset everything to zero in his mind. Consequently, I became a bit resentful of, and ultimately sad with our fantastic sex life.
The last six weeks we were seeing each other were noticeably different. I knew he wasn’t really there with me…Pardon my bluntness, but what man spends an hour having sex and doesn’t care to finish? He did this a bunch of times and I even asked him three times if he wanted to stop seeing each other because I didn’t think he was into it. I knew he was working on a new woman and it was pretty obvious – he didn’t know I knew at that point.
Oh no! I’m changing my style these days. I like little orgasms first. I like to save it because once I’m done, then that’s it.”
“Yeah right! What are you saving it for, tomorrow?” I laughed. That was the stupidest thing he could have said. It made no sense. And, this is from a man who would yell at me for an evening, say he’s sorry, and expect me to want to have sex with him. This is a man who would tell everyone I attacked him, I ruined him financially, took advantage of him, and that he’s afraid of me, but will still have me on the side, secretly, because he can’t say no to good sex…So I wasn’t buying that BS.
I decided that the last time I was going to have sex with him was going to be a wonderful time for both of us, and it was. The next night I showed up without calling and he was in the middle of cleaning my hair from his bed and washing the pillowcases I had slept on. “Destroying the evidence?” I laughed.
That’s the night he admitted he is “abusive” and a “monster”. I had begun to realize what he is only a few days earlier.
This may sound strange, but I wanted the last time we were together to be good – not him drilling mindlessly while thinking about someone else. Even if only for a short time, I made sure he wasn’t thinking about anyone else (besides himself – LOL). And that’s how I left it. I feel better about it that way, and that I got to orchestrate it (even if he wasn’t aware of it).
I just couldn’t see myself as looking back on that sort of ending after everything else.
“Broad and pronounced jawline, pronounced and broad cheekbones, thin lips, large forhead, very braod shoulders without working out– and a large penis.”
This is downright FREAKY. I so wish I could post the link to him at WS. I have a photo of him up there. This describes him perfectly, except perhaps I’d say he has an “adequate” penis.
I could often tell when he was winding up for an argument by his lips – they would get really thin, pinched, and white.
Or, he would get really agitated about something completely ridiculous, for example, start yelling about “who’s the F-ing hooker on TV? Look at her? What the hell is SHE doing on TV?”, and get all worked up about an admittedly trashy looking news anchor, yelling at the TV and getting all worked up. I knew to make myself scarce. In that case he was at my house and I asked him to stop swearing.
“Yeah, you’re right I should leave. The court order says I have to leave if you say so. I don’t feel like arguing with you anyways” he said as he got up.
“I didn’t say you had to leave, but you’re getting more worked up with each cuss word…and who wants to argue?”
- I didn’t ask him to leave
- I wasn’t looking to argue
- I didn’t bring up the probation order
He and his pinched, white, thin lips left.
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Rune says:
nic: Let’s start a new game, with people who are fun and sweet and who will play by the rules.
He would only show up at this hour to create drama. It isn’t about being there for the kids or for you. It’s just him continuing to be the jerk that he is. Hang in there, sweetie. And turn up the volume on your mp3 player when he tries to criticize you, and just dance, dance away! (“I can’t heeear you!!!!”)
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Stargazer says:
LOL Rune, you reminded me of an old episode of Ally McBeal. I used to love that show. She was a lawyer who repesented a woman with a horrible narcissistic husband. The husband flaunted all his young mistresses in his wife’s face. Then one day, the woman hired some strong men to drop her husbands prize Grand Piano out the window…..right onto his Porsche, below. (teehee). The husband took the wife to court to sue her for damages. When the truth came out about his philandering, the court found the wife GUILTY of the vandalism, and ordered her to pay seventeen cents in damages. TOWANDA! Oh well, at least on TV, there’s justice.
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nic says:
Rune,
Thanks. You are right about the drama. He could have waited to give it to her next week or came at a more reasonable time.
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Stargazer says:
Nic,
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this BS on VD (if you pardon the abbreviation. lol). I cannot even imagine what it is like to be married to one of these monsters and share children with him. It will be so challenging, but I hope one day you are so strong and so centered that his games will not even touch you.
pb: I think he was withholding orgasms as a form of control. An orgasm is a loss of control. He didn’t want to lose control.
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nic says:
Stargazer,
That abbreviation did make me laugh and I needed that tonight.
Thanks
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Stargazer says:
Laughing is a good thing. When I really need to laugh, I watch the movie Office Space. For some reason, that movie gets funnier every time I see it.
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Wini says:
To ALL my LF buddies … Happy Saint Valentine’s Day!
From my heart to yours.
Peace.
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Stargazer says:
WINI!!!!! Here I am calling it “VD” and you’re elevating it to the level of sainthood. You are so awesome. LOLOLOL Hugs.
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Wini says:
StarG: How are you sweetie?
The way I look at it … this day is for us who have a heart and can express our deepest most spiritual being!
Peace.
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pb says:
Star:
Nah! He knew he was good, and he loves nothing more than an orgasm – nothing, except beer. It was his way of proving all sorts to himself (the big man with the big ending).
He was really working hard on this other woman, and judging by his Cialis usage, he was probably pretty worn out too – it wasn’t just the two of us seeing him. Not to mention, Cialis is expensive.
His control issues manifested in far crazier ways. He would never waste an orgasm. This is what made his statement so nutty.
He simply had no use for me anymore. I was on to hhim however slowly. That’s probably why he admitted to being abusive the next night…to get me to go away on my own.
Now that I think about it, that’s another thing, for the most part he had stopped using Cialis with me. I can tell…The bugger didn’t want to waste it on me.
The Freak!
Happy VD – Valintinial Disease day!
Hugs to all
xo
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pb says:
…he couldn’t even fake faking it anymore – HAHA!
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Stargazer says:
Wini!!! Hi, Sweetie. I generally regard Valentines Day as just another day. lol
pb: Sounds like your ex slithered off to the bottom of some other pond where he can remain there with all the other pond scum. My God, you are so much better off without him! I couldn’t tolerate being with a guy who was “working on” another woman. I was living with one of these once. I caught him on a long distance call with his new love interest. I packed a suitcase and left and never looked back. I was moved out within a month and never spoke to him again. That’s just gross. We are all worth being special to someone, and not just when they’re in a benevolent mood toward us.
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Rune says:
nic: When we’re in the moment with the S/P in our faces, it’s hard to see their BS games for what they are. I’m glad I could help you see the manipulation behind his choice of time to show up.
I think this is part of why our conversations here are so important. We can offer each other reality checks, along with laughter and admiration and encouragement and all the other things we should have in our everyday lives. I think we’re reminding each other what a REAL relationship should include!
Happy Valentine’s Day to all you sweethearts!
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