BOOK REVIEW: Hi Gorgeous! The first words of sociopathic seduction
PDF Melissa K. Dean was a new lawyer in a new job. All she needed was a new romantic interest. So she posted her profile in Match.com, and received more than 30 responses in the first two days. One of the men started began his message boldly, writing, “Hi Gorgeous!”
For a woman who had long doubted her feminine appeal, the words were irresistible. More words followed—words that seemed to indicate mutual interests and goals, words that appealed to the woman’s sympathies.
Melissa K. Dean tells the story of being seduced by, married to, and then abused by, Jack Cass, a man who claimed to be a former Navy SEAL. It’s a classic story of sociopathic victimization.
Exotic dancer
Dean tells her story in a new book available in the Lovefraud Store, Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies.
They communicated online and by phone for a short time. Then they met for lunch, which Dean describes early in the book:
Conversation superseded our interest in our salads as we prattled on about various topics, including the characteristics we valued and disliked in potential mates. He spurned spoiled princesses and victim-oriented women, a group that included his mom—a counselor “ahead of her time,” yet victimized by by his Baptist father’s verbal abuse and infidelity with Jack’s piano teacher. He hated civilians, abhorred dishonesty and disloyalty—especially infidelity.
My bleeding heart was moved by his tale of woe, which he fully anticipated. Here was a man who’d been wounded on the battlefields of war and romance. “I let women walk all over me,” he proclaimed. The three purple hearts to which he laid claim paled in comparison to the heart he said was repeatedly broken by women who’d either cheated or bilked him out of money. “Learning to trust is a difficult task for me,” he said.
Can anyone say manipulation?
At one point before meeting Cass, Dean worked as an exotic dancer—that’s how she earned the money to take a prep course for her bar exam. Cass was fascinated by her former stint as a stripper, and after he manipulated Dean into marriage, saw his future in marketing his wife as a sexy model and dancer at biker clubs.
He, of course, had financial problems, child support payments and no steady income. But he had big ideas, which he convinced his wife to participate in. Gradually, he became more and more impatient with Dean’s contributions, and displayed his displeasure through emotional, psychological and sexual abuse.
Message of hope
In their letters to Lovefraud, many people have said their experiences with a sociopath were so outrageous that they should write a book about what happened to them. Melissa Dean has done it.
Many of you, who thought you were the only person on the planet experiencing the abuse and crazy-making of a sociopath, will take comfort in her story. You are not alone. In fact, many of you will recognize yourself, and the person who victimized you, in the tale.
Dean’s book has a happy ending—she escapes and begins to rebuild her life, her way. Her story is proof that you can recover from the abuse. It’s the message of hope and healing we all need.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
eliza says:
That is good advice HH, not to try and give myself a timeline. I can see that it is not going to work that way. I am worried about people getting mad at me, pretty much everyone has noticed that I have changed, become distant. My parents and friends have already complained, but those walls are up baby, I do not know what to do about it. Except for here, I feel alone in the world.
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Healing Heart says:
Sadly, E, I don’t think your family or friends will ever understand. I don’t bother sharing with them any more unless some major stalking event happens. I had to change my phone number three weeks ago – and people asked why. I told my family, and few close friends. But people just don’t understand.
Although I try not to act like a “sad sack” around other people I also try not to be “fake happy.” If people make a comment I’ll say “It’s been a rough year.”
I had a problem with my sister on July 4th – she was displeased that I was not playing my usual role of sparkling sister and aunt. After 6 hours at the barbecue I was done – and I went home. It sucked.
Just keep moving through. I think if I hadn’t fought it so much in the beginning I might be further through. Then again, even with the “fighting” it, I was still in horrible pain.
Keep bloggin with us – it’s the one place I feel welcomed and understood. I feel so bad for the S victims who haven’t found us!! Then again, I like our tight little crew – we get to know each other……and new people come in and go out at a comfortable pace. How long have you been with us, E? Just a few days? Or are you a “return” blogger?
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eliza says:
I have been writing letters to him and to myself. The letters to myself have been short so that I can recite them to myself throughout the day.
Today I wrote three lines to myself
He does not love you Eliza
He never will love you Eliza
He is unable to love you Eliza
I am not sure why I sometimes cling to odd little things like this, they help me to breathe, because I think that oxygen is important to my survival. Sometimes I am kind of afraid that I will forget.
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eliza says:
I have been reading this site since last April, but only just logged in a week and a half ago. I was to the point where I had to talk about it, because I was going crazy keeping it all in and no one understood at all. I am really glad that I did, even though it is EXTREMELY difficult, being here has helped so much.
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Healing Heart says:
I read this site from March through december before posting. Sometimes I would sit all day on a Saturday just reading, reading, reading, – I couldn’t get enough!!
But I didn’t start blogging until mid-December, and have been a fairly regular blogger since then. I really like getting on line at LF. I know it will always make me feel better when I’m down or anxious.
I’m so glad you are here, Eliza!
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eliza says:
Ditto HH! I am super glad you are here too. I better go to sleep, I have to get up early and scrape the blizzard off of my car. GNITE!
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Healing Heart says:
Me too – sweet dreams to us both – NO CANNIBALS
Sweet Dreams!
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shabbychic2 says:
Arrrrrgggghhhh!!!! I don’t want to be going thru this! I wanted this to work out! I am going crazy. He’s a slime bag shit faced lying sexy SOB.
I haven’t heard from him since last Tuesday when I would not loan him anymore money. I didn’t know he wouldn’t call anymore. I have not called him, I am going to be strong, why prolong my agony? He didn’t even buy me a little Christmas present… he could have bought me something real nice with MY money for God’s sake!!!
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eliza says:
We are all living in the f***ing twilight zone.
Shabbychic,
I broke down and contacted mine and I regretted it so much. I hope you can get through this without breaking down, the further we get the better we can see them I think.
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henry says:
Twilight zone – that is how I refered to it many times. Shabby I bought mine a xmas present and he looked at me so pissed and said {you know how small you just made me feel? I didnt get you anything”} hang in there girls – this is a life lesson – not the end of the world. You will see things more clear as the fog lift’s. I think of innocent people in prison with no hope of justice because of evil spaths that get off scott free – does anybody else feel wrongly convicted?
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Plowman says:
HH, I sometime get scared that this thing may not be over for me for long, long time. My therapist mentioned that since my ex and I were together for 10 years, it may take 2 years for me to COMPLETELY get over this – 1 year of recovery for every 5 we were together. Trust me when I tell you, you’re not alone with they you’re thinking. It frustrates the hell out of me and I’ll share it with my therapist and she’ll simply, calmly tell me, ‘There’s no time limit to your recovery and don’t, for any reason, put a time limit on it.’ The worst thing we can do is to put dates in our minds as to when we’ll be over our ex’s. I also agree that due to the circumstances that occured with our break up, this will take a loit of time for me to recover from. I agree with you there on that point, too.
Eliza, I’m like you in the sense that sometimes, out of nowhere, I’ll begin to imagine my ex and her husband having sex and it will totally kamakze my entire day. I’m sorry that he was such an a**hole to you when you needed his comfort and not only did he talk to you in such demeaning manner, he demoralized you by cheating on you, too. He’s garbage; all of our ex’s are garbage. But again, you’re not alone with how you think. I know you have impulses to contact him but PLEASE DON’T FEED INTO HIS EGO!!!!!! Baby Girl, all your doing is ripping the band aid off the wound. As they days go by, you’ll find it easier to just avoid the impulses. I also kept a diary or a log of how I felt and kept it up for about a month. I haven’t read it for a while now but I’m not really sure I want to. Like you, I just keep telling myself that she isn’t coming back and my life will be better without her. I mean, she got married and I’m still standing! She may have knocked me down, but she didn’t cut my legs off. I’m still in the race. E, you’re better than your ex and you keep telling yourself that.
Shabby, I’ll sometimes be in the car or watching TV and I’ll begin to think about all the times my ex and I spent together and then, out of nowhere, I just get SO PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, I want to kick the crap out of myself for allowing her to control me in the way that I was thinking about HER wants and needs, not MINE. Once that happened, forget about it; she knew she had me right where she wanted me. It’s that ‘divide and conquer’ mentality where monarchs and dictators break down a group of people in order to over take them, be it by war, starvation, poverty, etc. and then they can control them much easier. In this case, our ex’s took us out of our element and once they saw that we weren’t who we were and we would BELIEVE anything they told us and we would do ANYTHING for them, they divided us from our way of thinking. The conquering part was easy after that.
But like any great military force we will re-group and General Donna will lead the charge against the SS (Sadistic Sociopathic) Army. Matt and I are are putting a battle plan together now and if anyone would like to burn the midnight oil with us, the more the merrier. I’m going to go put a pot of coffee on because it’s going ot one hell of a long night but the LFB (Love Fraud Brigade) will prevail. You can quote me!
Corporal Plowman………. OUT!
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Wini says:
Henry & Eliza: Twilight Zone – funny you mentioned the very words I told my husband when asked how my interview went!
It was March 31, 1980. I was in my early 20s. I didn’t have a conservative black or navy blue skirt and white blouse … instead I wore beige corduroy straight leg slacks, white blouse and clogs. I went and interviewed with 2 managers then had my final interview with the director. During my conversation with the director (who’s office was in a glass partitioned room … walls went 3/4 to the ceiling) a series of soon to be female co-workers leaned on their desks while looking at me with the director … saying “who does she think she is shaking her a$$ in front of the boss”? I was horrified, knowing I am definitely like this! The director said to me “don’t pay attention to them, they are just jealous and immature”. Jealous and immature? I couldn’t believe my ears and eyes … hearing and seeing these predators (which I didn’t know what they were back then) leaning against their desks and being so obviously rude.
Back to the interview with the director. He asked me which job I wanted to take. Because I was sexually harassed by my boss in my last job (which is why I left) of course I needed a job. I was newly married from the year before, just starting out and needed a paycheck. So, against my better judgment (I admit to this sad fact) I took the job with the first boss I interviewed with (female boss … so I wouldn’t be sexually harassed again).
At home that night my husband inquired about the interview … I said, I just walked into the Twilight Zone … these people are so immature and rude (there was about 20 of them staring at me during the interview with the director). I never changed my opinion about that place … ever!
Every single one of those females made my life a living nightmare for over 24 years in that place of employment along with the 100s of others that walked those halls. What I chalked up to as immaturity and assumed they would outgrow when aging … turned into my introduction of working with anti-social personalities that were all self consuming, self absorbed selfish to their very core and would not hesitate to destroy another … any other.
Those of you that know my story, know I know longer work there … but the majority of these anti-social personalities do … and it’s your tax dollars that pay their salaries.
Peace.
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Wini says:
May I add additional thoughts to this bullying that I received on the day of my interview.
What people think is bullying and that you can council a bully and they will get better. NOT true. Bully’s as kids or young adults or adults in general are the anti-social personalities of the world. People need to open their eyes and see them for what they really are!
Period.
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Plowman says:
Wini, not to be funny in any way, but does anybody recall the way Biff bullied Marty McFly in ‘Back to The Future’? Marty sees this first hand after Biff claims George’s car had a ‘blind spot’ and he doesn’t see why he’s responsible for the accident to the car. Then, before he leaves, he asks George to do HIS work and have it back to HIM in time so he can copy it and turn it in.
Remember the first encounter Marty had with his Dad upon arriving in 1955? Biff and his buddies bullying George and Biff asking George to do HIS homework and have it back to HIM so he can copy it and turn it in.
As a 10th grader, I picked up on that right away. Bullying doens’t necessarily stop as kids get older. If it doesn’t, guaranteed you’re going to see where sociopaths get their first taste of how it feels to torment someone and feel no guilt.
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greenfern says:
I would like to comment to something I felt so validated by, something Plowman said:
“In some cases, I could tell the woman was uncomfortable having to go through with it but some time later, we would run into one another and have a civil conversation and I felt a lot better that we did have that conversation. This type of break up was completely out of left field for me – not your typical break up. I mean, we’re all here because our ex’s didn’t follow through with a ‘by-the-book’ way of breaking up with us. No, the methods they used are dirty, cut throat, vile and totally irresponsible and those that try and justify these actions i.e. parents, siblings, friends, etc. aren’t any better.”
It’s so true. I think it’s worth keeping this fact in mind when I start feeling “crazy” and start putting blame on myself. I mean, really; how is it possible that I was able to move through other break ups quite okay. Pain, sadness, missing the person were all there, but then eventually gone after a reasonable time period. No nightmares, flashback, desire to try to prove the world that I was abused like in the case with the S.
This DOES prove something. I have ran into people I dated and parted with, no biggie, really. A bit awkward, but I can make small talk and can be gracious. We are all adults after all.
Not in the case with the S. I followed no contact for 3-4 years. I figured if I ran into him I will just be civil, maybe say hi, but leave it that. Despite my own unresolved anger I have for him.
When I did run into him, it was on the subway. He was with his new wife, and I did not notice until I sat down. They were watching me and laughing at me. When I looked at him he turned away and was bursting with laughter, same as his wife who turned her back at me. They just kept looking at each other, trying contain their laughs. He avoided eye contact with me. He pretended not to see me, yet he was laughing at me. Then finally he looked at me and I waved a little wave and got off the the train. The whole thing made me very ill. Super ill. My therapist said I should have pretended to ignore him. Yeah, why didn’t I? I think because he was trying to shame and shun me. I had to let him know that it did not work.
Wow was I wrong thinking that I could apply the civil with the ex rule with the S. No way, never. It just does not work with S. They continue to be pathological in their behavior.
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Wini says:
Plowman: It’s the same thing … children first learn to bully and get away with it. As adults in the work force, they do the same thing … less subtle, but bullying just the same.
I don’t know about the states anyone else on LF lives in … but, where I live, private companies and government agencies have these bully types at the top of the heap. They are the top managers, top CEOs … and surround themselves with other anti-social personalities to beat all the decent folks down into submission. Say something about their bad behavior and you are demoted and/or fired. They surround themselves with personnel officers that do their bidding. It’s incredible how corrupt they are and how they have taken over this county.
Now you are seeing what I have been witnessing since the early 80s.
And the president is giving them the bailout money. Giving money to predators.
Hey, I’m not saying not to have government help companies out due to how the anti-social personalities in those companies crashed and burned it to the ground. However, I haven’t seen any of these so-called anti-socials get fired before the money goes to helping the decent folks out.
Want to know who the anti-socials are … quick and easy … look at their work histories for the last 20 years … look at who got EXCELLENT across the board on their evaluations … look at the positions of authority they sit in … and you will be looking at the anti-social personality. Trace back their promotions and who they hired and promoted to surround them … and there too you will find the anti-social personalities who flew up the ranks over the hard working, loyal, God loving employees.
It doesn’t take an Einstein to figure this out.
Peace.
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Wini says:
Greenfern: Bottom line … they use everyone to get what they want, when they want it … and where they want to go. Everyone that comes in contact with them is being used. Period. They may not know it at them time … but sit back and wait. His new wife laughing at you today, will be crying on your shoulder in a few short months/years.
That’s it. There is nothing more to figuring them out. They are USERS. They will use you for sex … not make love to you. They will use or steal your money as they lie to you. They will trash your credit history … trash your credibility … your reputation. They are ruthless. Period.
It’s all about what’s in it for them. Enough said.
Peace to your heart as you heal. You are one of the few lucky ones … like the rest of us on this site. We got away from the likes of them.
Some weren’t so lucky … just look at the obituaries for years gone by and see all the domestic violence, corporate take overs, partners in business with the creeps … the ruthless killings of another because they happen to come into the path of an anti-social personality that simply needed them out of their way.
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Taken for a ride says:
Just have a question, if a person is with a sociopath and knows what they are like the guy my ex never left how does someone stay in a relationship like that for over 9 years when they say they know how to deal with the S/P is that not like playing with fire ? I remember her telling me the reason why she stays with him is because he lets her do what ever she want’s please help me but am i not getting all this ? or is this guy like her ?
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Matt says:
Taken for a ride:
“I remember her telling me the reason why she stays with him is because he lets her do what ever she want’s.”
Look at the irony of that statement, let alone the contradiction in it.
Yes, it is important to retain your identity and autonomy in a relationship. That said, in a healthy relationship, the two people in it are working toward common goals and do consider what the impact of anything they CONSIDER doing will have on their partner and the relationship.
In your statement the person in that so-called relationship is operating independently, as is the sociopath. There is no relationship — just 2 people pursuing their own agendas.
The partner of the sociopath is as twisted as the sociopath, in my humble opinion.
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Taken for a ride says:
God bless you Matt. I pray every day to get past all this.
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Wini says:
Matt: She’s using the new guy the same way she uses and abuses everyone in her life.
The only difference between you and the “new” guy (victim) is … YOU NOW KNOW WHAT A USER AND ABUSER she is … and the new guy doesn’t have a clue … yet!!
Besides, who cares what any of our EXs are doing to the new unsuspecting victim (I feel for the latest victims and hope they aren’t as devastated as I was) but, we are free from the bondage of EVIL to find someone to love and who will love us in return.
I just wrote James regarding this quote the other day …. it’s taken from the movie “Wedding Date” … Dermit Mulroney speaks the line …
“The hardest part of loving someone is having the COURAGE to let them love you back”.
If anyone finds out who wrote that line, I’d love to give the author credit for this very powerful insight into what humans are doing when involved in a relationship.
Peace.
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keeping_faith says:
sorry Matt…..but I was offlin for a while. WORK IS BUSY but yes to your question from last night. that is the story.
; )
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Matt says:
keeping_faith:
I read it and posted under it. Amazing the parallels in our stories. Separated at birth?
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Plowman says:
Wini, I had just finished watching ‘Back To The Future’ hourse before I red your post and it struck me as something to bring up. You’re right; as bullies get older I find, particularly in the work fields, they use facial expressions, tones of voice and words to bully people. Now, with regards to family members? These bullies probably use all of the above AND physical violence against their wives, husbands, girlfeinds, mistresses, kids, etc. so what you say has solid meaning, Wini. I also liked when Marty told Doc that his father punched out Biff and Doc was so surprised when Marty told him he’d never stood up to Biff before. Then, as Marty comes back to 1985, the whole scenario is changed due to his father’s newfound confidence. That right there tells us that bullies i.e sociopaths love to know when someone confidence has been shatters. It’s almost like seeing a black eye on someone they’ve beaten up – just something to show they were there and did damage to someone.
Greenfern, I’m glad you found some sort of validation in the paragraph about clean break up versus dirty ones. It’s true that I don’t react very well to break ups but al least found some type of comfort in knowing that someone was honest enough to tell me because they weren’t happy or that they were interested in pursuing another relationship. That’s the part that , among others, that will always keep me from being civil to me ex. She did it twice over a years time, slept with these guys and kept me in the loop, too. Her friend (maid of honor) by accpeting that position for her, accepted this as par for the course, in my opinion -even though she told me she told she was disappointed in her and what she did, she still went ahead with it. That’s bullshit, in my opinion. Like I mentioned in my earlier post, talking to her meant nothing and I told her ‘You wasted yout time by doing that because she doesn’t care’. My other friend ceased all communication with her and point blank told me she could never back up someone like that who did what she did for as long as she did to me. She made a choice that she didn’t want to be associatd with a piece of garbage. Actions, not words, are the only thing that a sociopath can identify with – even though they can very convincing with their words.
As far as your ex sitting there with his wife laughing at you and making you feel uncomfortable, what was the point of that? To make you feel small? To try and get you upset? I’m shocked his wife even went through with it. Most women would see that as a clear indication a man wasn’t over his ex and would leave in a heart beat. Clearly, this woman is just as screwed up as he is. Glad they found one another. Just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re doing fine!
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Plowman says:
WOW! What happened to everyone? Was there a Love Fraud weekend retreat I didn’t know about?
I hope everyone’s okay and healing. Take care and I hope I hear from you all soon.
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eliza says:
Plowman,
I know it has been pretty quiet on here right? I have been hanging back and reading, observing all weekend. Since the sociopath turned my brain into noodles I don’t feel that I have too terribly much to contribute!
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Rune says:
Hi Folks: I’m down at the coffee shop waiting for you to show up!
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OxDrover says:
Good morning, Rune, I’ve got coffee mug (my favorite pottery one made by a friend –no lead) and sitting here drinking my morning “ambition.” Its going to be 50 out today and some sunshine so it is a “holiday” and I will shortly get outside and find something interesting and fun to do.
Plow man, I WISH we could have a “lovefraud retreat” weekend, wouldn’t that be wonderful! Can you just imagine all the hugging, laughter and tears!!! I admit though, that with the “group” scattered all over the world and the US, and many people being left dead broke with kids, etc. it would be difficult to arrange.
I even offered the use of my farm and buildings here as a place to have it last year about this time when several of us got the urge for a face to face retreat—at least there is room to camp, an aircraft hangar for meetings etc in case of rain, etc. and I have a commerically licensed kitchen capable of feeding several hundred people…and so the cost could be really cheap, no hotel rooms to pay for, no conference rooms to pay for etc. just bring a sleeping bag and a piece of foam to put under it. Our living history group does 2-week long camp outs in the boonies with less infrastructure than we have here. Without showers, you just use the old wash basin “bath” and we haul in lots of porta-johns. Sigh, but at least for now it is a dream only.
Yesterday was a wonderful day so I spent most of the day outside in the sunshine to recharge my “solar soul batteries”–been cooped up too much due to the bad ice storm we had in this area. People are still out of power (45,000 according to last night’s news report) and will be a WHILE before they get it. Worst storm in 40 years in parts of the state starting 15 miles north of me.
You guys have a great day!
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Plowman says:
Eliza, does he continue to bother you? This man’s sole purpose is to further see you miserable because it make him happy in some twisted way. Do your best to avoid him and I won’t tell you to try and not think of him because that’s the last thing you want to hear. I can’t preach it it if I can’t practice it.
Rune, sorry I missed Alice, Flo and Vera said you waited for an hour. Mel was the only one cooking, too. I woke up late because of some partying after the Steelers/Cardinals SB. My only regret was no one to celebrate with. Another time perhaps.
OxDrover, wouldn’t that be really something for a Love Fraud retreat? I dont know how much sleep we would lose but it would be worth it. We would all have a blast.
Everyone have a great day and talk to you all again soon!
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tink3010 says:
Oh my that Hi gorgeous made me laugh out so loud, virtually a daily text message when apart even had a “hi geomphus” when he was a few too many drinks in or without glasses.
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style1 says:
Most all men start out with compliments. I can’t think of a one that hasn’t with me. It’s always something like, “your eyes, they are so beautiful. You are so intelligent, surprising in a woman so attractive.”
They are all the same. I have learned to not even pay any attention to these things. Sure, we all like to hear that we are attractive but putting too much attention on it, can get ya in trouble.
And when a woman is feeling less than or unattractive, it leaves her open to be taken advantage of and men know this like the back of their hand.. Just like they know the magic of the words “I love you.” can have on a woman.
Many times after extreme compliments.. I come back with “Yes, I hear this all the time.”
And laugh inside as I view their face.
Another thing they say is.. “I want a woman that looks good on my arm.”
LOL! how obvious is that… many who say this are the ones with the big old bellies…
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OxDrover says:
Dear Tink,
Welcome to love fraud. Sorry you had a problem with a psychopath but this is a great place to learn about them! Learn how to heal and over come, and to spot the red flags so you can recognize them in the future. Welcome. Glad you are here. God bless.
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tink3010 says:
Dear OxDrover,
thank you for the welcome and kind words. The more red flags and the more knew to run I ran in wrong direction straight to him and began to revolt myself for being weak and never understood my actions. Would be so happy when we split but after about a fortnight of firm intentions would pine for him and long for contact. . i really want to do this no contact thing so will put out to universe to guide me in strength and determination.
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tink3010 says:
style that is such a great thing to reply, will def use that one.
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