After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 1-The Path
PDF A relationship with a sociopath is a traumatic experience. The definition of physical trauma is a serious injury or shock to the body, as with a car accident or major surgery. It requires healing.
On an emotional level, a trauma is wound or shock that causes lasting damage to the psychological development of a person. It also requires healing.
To some degree, we can depend on our natural ability to heal. But just as an untreated broken bone can mend crooked, our emotional systems may become “stuck” in an intermediate stage of healing. For example we may get stuck in anger, bitterness, or even earlier stages of healing, such as fear and confusion.
This article is about my personal ideas about the healing path for full recovery from the emotional trauma caused by a relationship with a sociopath. I am not a therapist, although I have training in some processes and theories of personal and organizational development. My ideas are also the result of years of research into personality disorders, creative and learning processes, family dynamics, childhood development, recovery from addictions and trauma, and neurological research.
After my five-year relationship with a man I now believe to be a sociopath, I was physically and emotionally broken down. I was also terrified about my condition for several reasons. In my mid-fifties, I was already seeing evidence of several age-related diseases. But more worrisome than the premature aging was my social incapacitation. I was unable to talk about myself without crying, unable to do the consultative work I lived on, desperately in need of comfort and reassurance, unable to trust my own instincts.
I had been in long-term relationships almost my entire life. My instinct was to find another one to help me rebuild myself. But I knew that there was no safe “relationship of equals” for me now. I was too messed up. No one would take on someone as physically debilitated and emotionally damaged as I was, without expecting to be paid for it. Likewise, I was afraid of my inclination to bond sexually. The only type of person I could imagine attracting was another predator who would “help” me while draining whatever was left of my material and financial resources.
My challenge
So, for the first time in my life, I made a decision to be alone. Knowing that the relationship with the sociopath had involved forces in my personality that were out of my control, I also decided that my best approach to this recovery was to figure out what was wrong with me and fix it. At the time, I did not understand my role in fostering this relationship, except that I couldn’t get out of it. But I knew that what happened to me with the sociopath wasn’t just about him. It was also about me.
I also made a decision to manage my own recovery. I made this decision for several reasons. One was that no one else really understood the mechanics of this relationship. My friends offered emotional support, but they were as confused as I was about his hold on me and why I could not extricate myself. Second, I found no meaningful assistance from therapists who seemed unable to grasp that this was a traumatic relationship. Third, everyone I knew wanted me to get over it and get on with my life, which was simply impossible to do.
So I was not only alone, but proceeding on a path that no one else supported. I’m not sure where I found the certainty that it was the right thing to do. But I was certain, and I held onto that certainty through the years it took. Today, when I’m essentially at the end of the process, except for the ongoing work on myself that has little to do with the sociopath anymore, I look back at it as the greatest gift I ever gave myself. It was the hardest thing I ever did. And in its own weird way, the most fun.
Here is where I started. I knew that I wanted to discover and neutralize the causes of my vulnerability. I knew that my vulnerabilities pre-dated the sociopath, although he had exploited them and made them worse. I felt like my battered state and particularly the sharp emotional pain gave me something to work with that was clear and concrete, and possibly the emergence from my subconscious of a lot buried garbage that had been affecting my entire life. Ultimately, I did engage a therapist to assist me in uncovering some childhood memories, and then went back to my own work alone.
My personal goal may have been more ambitious than others who come to this site. I not only wanted to heal myself from the damage of this relationship. I intended to accomplish a deep character transformation that would change the way I lived. Before I met him I was superficially successful, but I was also an over-committed workaholic with a history of relationship disasters. Except for a lot of unpublished poetry and half-written books, I had made no progress on lifelong desire to live as a creative writer. I wanted to come out of this as a strong, independent person who could visualize major goals and manage my resources to achieve them.
Because I had no model for what I was trying to do, I did things that felt very risky at the time. For example, I consciously allowed myself to become bitter, an emotion I never allowed myself to feel before, because I was afraid of getting stuck there. I’ll talk about some of these risks in future pieces – what I did and how it came out. I learned techniques that I hear other people talking about here on Lovefraud, things that really helped to process the pain and loss. Some of them I adapted from reading about other subjects. Some of them I just stumbled upon, and later learned about them from books, after I’d begun practicing them.
Though not all of us may think about our recovery as deep transformation work, I think all of us recognize that our beliefs, our life strategies and our emotional capacities have been profoundly challenged. We are people who are characteristically strong and caring. Personal characteristics that seemed “good” to us brought us loss and pain. After the relationship, our challenge is to make sense of ourselves and our world again, when what we learned goes against everything we believed in.
What I write here is not a model for going through this recovery alone. I say I did this alone, but I recruited a therapist when I needed help. I encourage anyone who is recovering from one of these relationships to find a therapist who understands the trauma of abusive relationships, and that recommendation is doubled if, like me, you have other PSTD issues.
The healing path
Given all that, this article is the first of a series about the process of healing fully. I believe that Lovefraud readers who are far down their own recovery paths will recognize the stages. Those who are just recently out of their relationships may not be able to relate to the later stages. But from my experience, my observations of other people’s recovery, and from reading the personal writings on Lovefraud, I think that all of our recovery experiences have similarities.
Since my own intention in healing was to figure out what was wrong with me and fix it, this recovery path is about self-healing, rather than doing anything to or about the sociopath. However there is a stage when we do want that. We want to understand who we were dealing with. We may want recognition of our victimization, revenge or just fair resolution. There is nothing wrong with feeling that way. It is a stage of recovery, and an important one.
My ideas owe a lot to the Kubler-Ross grief model, as well as to recovery processes related to childhood trauma, codependency and addiction. I also owe a great deal to the writing of Stephen M. Johnson, whose Humanizing the Narcissistic Affect and Characterological Transformation: the Hard Work Miracle provided invaluable insights and encouragement.
Here is the path as I see it.
1. Painful shock
2. Negotiation with pain
3. Recognition with the sociopath
4. Anger
5. Measurement of damage
6. Surrender to reality of damage
7. Review of identity after damage
8. Rebuilding life strategies
9. Practice
The words here are very dry, and I apologize for that. The experience, as we all know, is more emotional than intellectual, though it taxes our thinking heavily.
From what I’ve experienced and seen, some of these stages may occur simultaneously. We may feel like we’re in all of them, but working particularly in one stage more than the others. In my case, I often found that I was “going around and around the same mountain,” returning to a previous stage but at a higher level than before.
There is no specific mention of depression in this list. This is because I regard it as a kind of brown-out of our emotional system, when we are simply too overwhelmed by facts and feelings that conflict with our beliefs and identities. Depression can happen at any time in this path, but feelings of depression are most likely to occur in Stage 6. Terrible as depression may feel, I believe it is evidence of a deep learning process, where our conscious minds are resisting new awareness that is developing at a deeper level.
This path is a model of adult learning. It would be equally valid in facing and surmounting any major life change. If you are familiar with the Kubler-Ross grief model which was developed to describe the challenges involved with bereavement, this model will look familiar. It is essentially an extension of Kubler-Ross into a post-traumatic learning model. The trauma may be the loss of a loved one, a divorce, a job loss or change, or any of the major stressors of life.
This is all about learning and evolving. If the path is traveled to its end, we emerge changed but improved and empowered. We have given up something to gain something more. The fact that this change is triggered by trauma may cause us to think that it’s a bad thing for a while, but ultimately we come to realize that we have not only recovered from a painful blow, we have truly become more than we were before.
What drives us to heal
The future articles in this series will explore the stages, their value to us and how we “graduate” from one to the next.
Our struggle to get over this experience involves facing our pain, which is the flip side of our intuitive knowledge of we need and want in our lives. Those needs draw us through the recovery process, like beacons on a far shore guide a ship on a stormy sea. To the extent that we can bring these needs up into conscious awareness, we can move through the path more directly, because it programs our thinking to recognize what helps and what does not.
Here are a few ideas about where we think we’re going. I hope they will stimulate some discussion here, and that you will add your own objectives to the list.
1. To relieve the pain
2. To release our unhealthy attachment to the sociopath
3. To recover our ability to love and trust
4. To recover confidence that we can take care of ourselves
5. To recover joy and creativity in our lives
6. To gain perspective about what happened
7. To recover the capacity to imagine our own futures
Finally, I want to say again how grateful I am to be writing here on Lovefraud. As you all know, it is not easy to find anyone who understands our experience or what it takes to get over it.
I have been working on a book about this recovery path for several years. The ideas I’m presenting here have been developed in solitude, and “tested” to a certain extent in coaching other victims of sociopathic relationships who entered my life while I was working on my own recovery. But I’ve never had the opportunity before to share them with a group of people who really know and understand what I am talking about.
I respect every stage of the recovery path – the attitudes and voices of those stages, their perspectives and the value they provide to us. So if you find me more philosophic, idealistic or intellectual than you feel right now, believe me that I have been through every bit of it. If you had met at different places on the path, you would have found a stunned, weepy, embittered, distraught, outraged or depressed person. I was in the angry phase for a very long time. I had reason to feel that way, and it was the right way for me to be at the time.
I believe the stages are a developmental process that builds, one stage to the next, to make us whole. I also believe that this healing process is natural to us, and what I’m doing here is describing something that has been described by many people before me, but not necessarily in this context.
Your thoughts and feedback are very important to me.
Namaste. The healing wisdom in me salutes the healing wisdom in you.
Kathy
written by Kathleen Hawk • Permalink •
one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
your last sentence says it all oxy: ‘I am feeling much more content with that path, and where I am headed now than I was even a year ago…. ‘
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
sky – she used to con folks in person with things like, ‘hey i have this great friend who you should be penpals with.’ the C*** never needed the internet.
going through all this stuff, you know what i am finding out tonight: I don’t care. I just don’t care. F*** it. also that one more of the people i thought was real was also a sockpuppet; and that my lack of trust, and unwillingness to take into confidence of one of the folks who i was SURE was real, was completely justified; and the whole thing makes me damn tired.
not caring is pretty big.
i want to take all this shit out and burn it. i don’t ever want to deal with it again. could in fact light my computer on fire. (wouldn’t do that though, toxic.) i wonder what this means now? (in regard to sending stuff to the lawyer). hmmm.
wow, it’s late…didn’t even notice. it’s hot here, but i am not going to complain as i am not being visited by fires or a plague of locusts or floods. AND i have power and a fan.
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
SKY – i wrote to you this am on the ‘Like most sociopaths, Casey Anthony will crash and burn’ thread.
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
ps sky – not ALL from behind the electronic curtain – we can’t dismiss those 5 hour long phone calls!)
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
Oxy – she presented something that touched me deeply; something I was just becoming aware of needing and wanting. she fooled me. but i can heal and become wiser and more knowledgeable; and she will still be a shit piece of spath.
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skylar says:
One Joy,
I went back and read your post on the crash and burn thread. Thanks for pointing it out, I’d missed it.
Compassion is definitely part of healing. Ironic though because it was compassion that made me a victim to the spath in the first place.
The victimizing compassion is a narcissistic compassion which us fixer/rescuer/martyr people have which makes us think that we can save others. I’ve had it my whole life even as a child. It was part of my programming.
The Healing compassion is just the opposite. It allows us to see that evil is just a clown that wants attention/pity/worship.
Evil will do anything just so it doesn’t have to be alone. It can’t stand being alone because it doesn’t exist when it doesn’t get attention from others. We can laugh because it’s a silly perspective. Of course we exist when we are alone, but we’ve all felt lonliness, so we can relate to the sillyness of letting lonliness become a monster.
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
SKY – this is profound: ‘It can’t stand being alone because it doesn’t exist when it doesn’t get attention from others.’ I know you have said this a hundred times in a multitude of ways but this statement is clear, concise, profound.
‘victimizing compassion is a narcissistic compassion’, otherwise known as codependency. as a kid i did not have these concepts, but i did know what a martyr was and did tell my mom that she was one. supply supply supply.
the fake boy presented so much that needed loving and intelligence, life experience and gentle handling to ‘heal’ aka fix. I was never happier than when all the sock puppets jumped up ad yelled, ‘well, yes, EXACLTY one joy!!!’ – because i really did feel that a recognition of my ‘loving’ him, of my understanding of some of his psychological challenges, that no one else seemed to, was of value to him. i wanted to be valued, loved and useful. in fact i couldn’t believe my great fortune as someone who wanted to love and hold another being to find someone so worthy, so lovely and damaged in ways that i thought i could uniquely understand given the host of other characters around him. ha. ha. ha. not laughing here.
it turns out that the photos she used were actually of a 23 year old. (the fake boy was supposed to be 29). the same age my unborn child would have been. no coinky-dink here that part of my love that was tapped was mother to child.
he was an artist. he was supposedly bi, but with more interest in women and the people around him telling him he was gay and he telling them to eff off. more than anything he was kinky and transgendered….but not in the boy OR girl way – but in the amorphous ‘have boy self’ and ‘girl self’ way. he was long suffering, FUNNY, kind, gentle….and the spath did another thing that really hooked me – she left holes in the story, spaces where unspeakable things had happened, spaces where mysteries awaited unraveling. I am a story teller and very curious by nature. that i had to couple it with patience and gentleness and be very caring and careful, with the threat of his death and his bf snatching him away from me and the drama of the group of sock puppets and real people around him …..h-o-o-k-e-d!
i have deep respect for clowns and have trained as a clown (google Richard Pochinko technique). In essence, true clowns are niaive to what they really are (when they are new or ‘baby’ clowns) and the working of the world around them. Spaths fit that description. and although i have great reverence for clown, there is something about your description of spaths as clowns that really fits. for the reasons noted above, but also for the horror of pretend clowns – whether they are the shallow paint-by-number clowns of the 1060′s paintings (all face no depth) or the stupid guys on the corner selling apples dressed up like something they are not, (sneaking a cig behind the gas stn. – these guys REALLY creep me out) to the depiction of clowns as MORALLY INSANE MASKED murderers in cinema.
Real trained clowns are all about using the mask to REVEAL their true selves, and this is where they are fundamentally different than spaths. that said, I always ‘got’ your toddler/ baby analogies, but i have to say, your clown analogy is even stronger for me. the spaths are morally insane masked murderers of body and spirits, pretending to be the real deal when they are the creepy guys selling apples on the corners or promoting cars along the roadway, sneaking cigs out behind the gas station as they wank off.
WELL, happy sunday everyone!
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
SKY – wrote this this am to you. i am always here a couple of hours before everyone and then everyone misses my posts to them. good thing i write about such out stuff that i can ‘search’ using key words – ’cause for some reason, i can never find things using my screen name.
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skylar says:
One Joy,
I’m glad you liked it. I was having a conversation via email with Claudia Moscovici of the psychopathy awareness website and she liked the evil clown analogy too. So she wrote an excellent article on it.
The reason they seem like clowns to me is because they want attention -as do clowns. They wear a mask to get that attention – as do clowns. They want your emotional response – as do clowns. They use their own facial expressions to elicit your emotions: to make you laugh and relax or a sad clown face to get your pity. They pretend to be harmless…clowns usually are, I’ve never seen one rage.
There are differences. Clowns like to be laughed at, but most spaths don’t. They’re very sensitive to narcissistic injuries.
I don’t really understand how REAL clowns use the mask to reveal their true selves. Can you explain more?
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
i think the being laughed at thing is a spath like, if THEY are controlling the laughter.
can you send a link for the article that Claudia wrote?
‘mask’ for real clowns comes out of a person connecting with their inner clown. their masks grow out of a series of exercises through which one finds ones clown.clowns are true personas, and their ‘masks’ are their hearts; so, if as a person you know you like red, a clown would know the same of itself – a clown knows what it’s face is supposed to look like. it starts to play with clothing and make up and the mask emerges.
I went to clown school. seriously. it was an intensive month long workshop in which i studied the Richard Pachenko method (a fusion of traditional European clowning and indigenous aspects of the native nations of canada.) we were led through a number of mask making exercises (blindfolded) and other exercises that focused on primary emotions, colour and movement; and the dramatic device of ‘neutral’ mask (info here: http://www.foolmoon.org/clownAndMask/neutralMask (this is actually the woman i trained with.)
at the end of it i emerged a baby clown. finding clowns is a very emotional and intricate process and absolutely anyone can do it. ‘It’s very much an experience of how you deal with pleasure and loss and experience.’ i started doing some clown work when i finished school but i found that i went so deep into it, it was hard to come out before i was emotionally exhausted. it was interesting to see flickers of the students’ clown selves in their day to day personas. i didn’t notice those traits until i saw them in clown.
some clown facts: the first love of my clown was a red bike she saw tethered to a pole; she liked to bang on things (modernist metal sculpture was good); she liked to pose, as if she were flying ( i ould make a little stage out of a scrap of paper and stand stock still until someone appreciated it); she didn’t see ‘bad’; she was curious, guileless; the first time i was on the street in clown i almost got hit by a huge mercedes truck – didn’t really realize what it was, but was quite enamoured with it’s symbol. as one matures as a clown one develops an ‘editor’ – this is a way to bridge the naivety of clown and the knowledge of the world, so that one doesn’t get hurt while in clown. i was just starting to learn how to do this when i stopped clowning.
clown is an altered state. clown is sacred in some cultures, and sacred to me.
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Ox Drover says:
One/Joy,
The post about the clowns is VERY interesting and informative, thank you.
The thought just occurred to me when you were talking about the “fake boy” and how IT “built” this FAKE BOY almost like a clown mask or persona and it hit me, how VERY TALENTED she HAD to be in order to construct this FAKE IMAGE….WHAT A WASTE of such talent to produce evil!!!!!
It is such a waste, like the Mona Lisa was painted in chicken sheet!
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
OXY, You SO GOT IT! CAMom and i used to talk about this A LOT! the spath is hugely talented and a waste of talent. she could spend all her time writing books or plays and making money – but instead she fucks with people. as someone who deeply respects written works and the process of creation she is an abomination. art is about communication – her ‘work’ is about manipulation and causing pain. WASTE!
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skylar says:
One Joy,
http://psychopathyawareness.wo.....il-jokers/
I think this is it.
Then Sarah Strudwick saw it and did a similar one too, google evil clown psychopath.
I appreciate the info on neutral mask, it’s very interesting. The entire idea of spaths as clowns can really take off in many directions. The tragedy/comedy of drama is just one thing.
The spaths talents do seem huge. But I think the key word is “seem”. If we all spent as much time being phony as they do, we would seem talented too. A focused spath is a thing of wonder. Other spaths, like my brother, choose to rot in a basement and my hat is off to him because the less he interacts with society, the less harm he will do to others. Spaths cannot interact in society without causing harm. It’s their nature.
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geminigirl says:
Hi, Guys!
I have been sponsoring this little girl, April Rose, from the Phillipines, since she was 8 years old, she is now 16.
She found me on Facebook, and not realising it wasnt the organisers policy to let the children have your FB info, I let her be my “friend”.As it turns out, to my cost, and to hers.
Here is the online ‘chat’ conversation that took place on 4th July.
April,–”Hi, Auntie M.,can u give me money for study?
Cos my Mom cant afford it”
Me.”how much money do you need?You must realise Im on a Pension,and am also supporting 2 otherfamilies, apart from the money I send for you”.
April,-”Umm,-can U afford US$3,000 per month,well, that would be a blessing 2 me.”I need 12K for my tuition,Im not Nursing, Im not in a Public school,Im in a private college.
Im very sory for this matter, I hope U understand me.”
Me, “Do you mean US$3,000 a month?And $12,000 for your tuition?No, Im sorry,I cant afford this!That sum is more than my age pension!”There is NO WAY I can support you with your fees, apart from the amount I sent for you each month”{Which Id sent faithfully each month for 9 years!}
April,-”Umm, -If only $1,000 a month, can U afford that?”
Me,”NO NO NO!,I CANNOT afford this,and Im angry with you for putting pressure on me. DO NOT ASK ME AGAIN!
Please understand, I am NOT rich,and I do NOT like being pestered for money by you”
April,-”Auntie M, Im very sori.
Auntie M, are U mad at me?
Me,”yes, I AM very mad.! You must think me a Millionaire! I am not”.
I have now removed April Rose from FB, and blocked her. her reaction? to immediately ask both my grand daughters to put them on THEIR FB, which they did!I managed to get her banned and blocked from the Gkids FB .
I had to contact Childfund Australia, who have now emailed the Phillipines, and got the people there to have a severe talk to her.And make sure she stays off my families FBook.
I then decided to remove her as a child to sponsor.I know she has probably been put up to this, but I was so sickened by the bare faced CHEEK of it!She has had to learna very hard lesson with all this, and I have too.
This is a child whom ive sent books, dolls, dresses, tops, all sorts of things to. I paid recently for her parents to geta new roof after theirs was blown off in a typhoon, and I also paid for her Mums hospital treatment .
Maybe Im to blame as well, Im sure they all think we are loaded! I dont regret anyhting Ive done for her, but I wont be doing any more. I have 2 other sponsored families to think about. They say,
“no good deed ever goes unpunished”.
I used to think this a very cynical statement, now Im not so sure!The good thing about setting boundaries in other parts of my life, is that now I do it in other areas too.
What do you all think? do you think me too harsh in cutting her off?
Love, Mama gemXX
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skylar says:
Gem,
you did the right thing.
All can think of is, are you sure it’s really her? It sounds like a nigerian scam!
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geminigirl says:
Yes, it was her. However, she may have been influenced by a family member, or one of her teenage friends. Im sure they all think were loaded.I was very upset, this is the child Ive supported for 9 years.Hard lesson for her.
My other sponsored child, Lina Maria della Torres, is from Guatemala. her Dad earns the equivalent of US$17.50 a month.Poorest of the poor. They cook on old tin gerry cans on outdoor charcoal fires, have no shoes,its a constant battle against mud, disease, dirt, hunger.
I recently paid a bit extra at Easter for her, and she was bought her FIRST ever pair of shoes.She is exstatic!
Love, GemXX
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Stargazer says:
Mama Gem, no I don’t think you were too harsh at all. People in third world countries have an odd relationship with westerners. They are very friendly, but at the same time they see as as a source of money. Many will try to exploit us any way they can. I think it’s just part of the power dynamic, sadly. Having said that, though, I think some people are just more selfish than others.
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DUPED_IN_SOCAL says:
Good Morning Everybody!
I have been sitting here with my sole cup of coffee for the day, reading this page and all of the posts and wow: the clown analogy is amazing; stunning – really.
Yes; I have often felt the same way being around “IT”. Always so phoney; so plastic. Irritating to a point.
By all of you writing and sharing, along with my EMDR, I awoke this morning feeling ‘grounded’, in a lot of ways. I am starting to see a lot of things I haven’t seen before. It is just simply amazing to me to find so many other people who so totally and completely relate to me when all this time, I thought there was something wrong with me – that I was going insane and being delusional. I am not at all. This is all actually REAL.
Having grown up in a family that was very dysfunctional, abusive and ‘strange’, I can see how it has ‘tainted’ my view of the world and I have always understood this and made over-allowances: hence, being so unconditional in my caring because I didn’t want to let that ‘hating & frustrating’ side of me out. When I was a little girl, I would, when frustrated with the fighting and yelling and total discomboomeration, run outside and punch trees with my fists until they bled. Just a little girl too! I never released these frustrations on ‘others’ because I knew the devastation could be phenomenal, releasing as much frustration, etc., I had over the whole ordeal. I beat that ‘primal’ reaction to do ‘mean things’ to rectify the situation inside of myself. I CHOSE TO WALK IN A DIFFERENT PATH. IT IS ALL ABOUT CHOICE and WANTING to change. That is the point: WANTING TO CHANGE. This path we are on is not an ‘easy’ one by any means. “IT” really isn’t about ‘dealing’ with the experience of the spath so much as it is ‘dealing about what is inside of us’.
The whole experience has rattled the basis of who we are as people and made us confused and lost. Once we get the spath away from us, and have the ‘freedom’ to breathe and to think, we start finding things again, we hadn’t noticed in five years.
I am seeing things I forgot. How to listen to the birds, in the morning….music: I haven’t been able to listen to music in five years. Hardly any television. I pretty much have lost all my acquaintances and friends. “IT” became the very center of my world…
It is like being ‘reborn’. And a CLOWN brought this quest and like I told “IT”: “You need to go make a different life for yourself without me in it. By the time I am finished walking through this ring of fire, I am not going to be the same person you used to know anyways. I already am NOT the same person anymore…
I proved that to “IT” when I saw it for the last time, almost 3 months ago now. However, the stalking only stopped a month and a half ago.
That is the point to all of this; isn’t it? CHOICE? People say spaths can’t change; I don’t believe that is true. Perhaps for some, maybe but I believe we ALL have the ABILITY and the CHOICE to change our lives and re-direct that ‘evil’ within us.
We all have that streak; is it not true to say we all are just a little selfish; just a little ‘primal’…if we weren’t, we would swallow anything and everything that came along…but we have learned HOW TO CONTROL that ‘primal’ reaction trick.
It should be ‘easy’ to ‘get rid’ of the ugliness in our lives, but with our spath, it’s difficult because they have preyed on our very foundation of ‘who’ we are; they have rigged the basis of ‘the building’ we have built for ourselves over our lifetime with explosives and they either go off while still on scene OR they are timed and like a ‘slow release capsule’ we take…the effects of that BOMB they planted within us, goes off, slowly, over time…
THAT is what is happening to me. Very ingenious: the slow release “BOND BOMB”…THAT shows how intelligent the spath really CAN be. They are not unintelligent; in fact, they may be superior in intelligence.
I used to tell my spath, all the time: “You know, your being so smart is one thing that keeps you in constant trouble….”
I was the ‘friend’ always trying to ‘grow’ value and virtue within “IT”. “IT” used to say all the time:
“I am sick of hearing you preach to me all the time. You want me to be a good person and I am not a good person and will never be a good person because I don’t know how to be a good person. I am so NOT what you think I am. I can’t change; don’t want to and you and I don’t belong together because YOU are like an ANGEL and I am the devil himself.”
I used to argue with him and tell him that I believed in him and that I would stick it out and stand by him. I helped make arrangements for him to have ‘in hospital’ treatment…I helped him so much and not one time was that ever appreciated nor honored. In fact, “IT” turned everything around, to gain new support for his herd by running the story:
“She was trying to lock me up. She was trying to get me to commit myself to treatment!”
Instead, he decided to run to another OW, he met off the internet and has burrowed in up there because she is ill and weak and oh so vulnerable….I tried to warn her but she didn’t listen. Told me all the things he was spinning about me NOW. I heard the stories he is telling. “I” now get the blame for EVERYTHING that has happened in his life. Imagine that.
He has told these lies so much, HE actually believes them now.
The ONLY solution is to THROW THIS RELATIONSHIP OUT THE WINDOW, PERMANENTLY. “IT” tried to purposely harm me and kill me and did so with skill, very ‘poetically’ and very NON COMPASSIONATE with no conscious nor remorse whatsoever.
In fact, “IT” stated to me once: “YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING I DONE TO YOU BECAUSE YOU ALLOWED IT TO HAPPEN.”
Likewise, I am sure.
Thanks you guys for stretching my mind this morning. xxoo
I have a big, busy, out of town, kind of day planned….
Another afternoon with my Grand Daughter and we have been planning ALLLLLL WEEEEK to go for ice cream sundaes!
I always feel so ‘alive’ when I am with her. It’s sinfully FUN! 
She has been ‘the light of my life’ the past few years, because whenever she comes around, IT ALL GETS PUT AWAY, in a shoebox, up in the closet, on the shelf…. hehehehe
Our time together is never very long….
Have a good day you all. Thanks one/joy and skylar for sharing. You have inspired a very important thought. xxoo
Dupedster
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Stargazer says:
Dear duped,
I really enjoyed reading your post and all of your insights. I think you really do reach a place of healing and self-directedness when you realize you have a CHOICE. It’s great to see your self-awareness, and your tone sounding happy. Good for you!
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
sky – if you look on the same site as the neutral mask you will see something called ‘joey/auguste’. these pairings (and they often work in pairs – check out ‘mump and smoot’) speak to the duped/dupe paradigm quite well.
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
gem, in fact, could it have been one of her friends or family members? I hope they get to the bottom of it quickly. i would hate to see this child suffer because of something done without her consent or knowledge.
that said, your boundaries were good and towanda strong! xxxxo
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DUPED_IN_SOCAL says:
Thanks Star: hope you are well and doing alright this day.
I think that little word: CHOICE makes all the difference in the world; doesn’t it? OUR CHOICE. THEY have a choice too but they don’t care because they LIKE being who they are….
“Self awareness” is the only ground I have to stand on right now, Star. I am literally re building myself from the ground up. 60 years worth of ‘rebuilding’…kind of like an earthquake retrofit!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Have a great day ~ going to be out of here soon.
I will pop back in after my SPECIAL DATE for the day!
mwahhhhhhhhhhh! xxoo
Dupedster
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DUPED_IN_SOCAL says:
It will be 3 months soon that I have not spoken a PEEP to x sp….
That is about “ITs” limit before “IT’ tries to contact me again. “IT” will get bored and feel lonely and lost, having exasperated all the new connections for a bit…”IT” only contacts me when “IT” is up to something…..or has no where else to go. “IT” never ‘gets it’ when I tell “IT” to just go away. “IT” never listens but just keeps barging “ITs” way back into my life, over and over again. I WANT IT TO STOP and WILL MAKE IT STOP THE NEXT TIME. I do not bother “IT”, in anyway whatsoever, “IT” should NOT be bothering ME. That is what I requested and THAT is what I expect.
I just know, though, at any moment, “IT” is going to be checking in with me again; trying to see if I will respond. It only stopped trying to taunt me a few weeks ago and I have not responded, not once. BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT IT DESERVES. “IT” earned that. They don’t like it when YOU are the one who throws them away, before THEY have a chance…hahahahahaha
It was classic and if I could have gotten it on tape, I would definitely post it up on YOUTUBE so you all could see it. IT WAS GREAT and “IT” sent me a message, afterwards that it was just so totally unexpected. “IT” never thought I would so completely END IT; just like that. ;o
I don’t want “IT” to contact me anymore. I will never speak another word to it again, as long as I live. I think if the sky opened up, angels descended, doves flew and trumpets blared, I would STILL not want “IT” around me, ever again. I GOT THAT MUCH DOWN!
xxoo
Okay….I am outta here!
Take care of each other….
See you all on the ‘flipside’.
DUH DUPEDSTER
I just don’t know HOW I am going to respond to the next intrusion. I know it’s coming, just don’t know ‘when’ or ‘how’. I know how I FEEL about it: no response but will my instantaneous reactions overtake me and will I get mad and hateful and speak like a demon back to it. I think everything has already been said that needs to be said. I am tired of talking to “IT” and dealing with “IT” and perhaps I could be ‘so forgiving’ to overlook a murder attempt but I really don’t think so. There comes a moment where you draw the line no matter how you feel or have felt and you stick to it.
I MEANT EVERY WORD I TOLD IT.
WITHOUT A DOUBT.
Have a happy day you guys.
ICE CREAM SUNDAE HERE I COME!!!! wahoooo!!
I am not looking forward to “ITs” next contact and plan on avoiding it at all costs, if possible. If I get a surprise visit,
“IT” will have five seconds to remove ITSELF from my doorway before the police arrive.
Vanilla ice cream with whipping cream and EXTRA HOT FUDGE, please….X-X-HOT FUDGE!
Dupedster
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Ox Drover says:
Gem,
The reason I do NOT “sponsor” a child through these groups who play on your sentiments, is that first of all, in general only a SMALL fraction of the money you send actually gets to the kid….the organizations, many of them, have highly paid executives who live high on the hog and the kids are like “Pity ploys” that get people to send in a “sponsorship” payment every month for YEARS!
I have spent considerable time in third-world countries and have visions of starving children etched forever on my retina that can never be erased….but my charity dollars go 100% directly to people who are in need, and they may never know where the money came from but they get it ALL, there is no “middle man” to take a cut to pay for advertising on the late night television or hire a private jet for the CEO of the “non-profit” organization.
To start with, even if it IS THE CHILD sending these messages, a 16 yr old in that world is an “adult” and she is obviously learning to be a CON. My suggestion is that you not only block her or anyone else from FB, but to CUT OFF the sponsorship completely and if you want to do some good, take that same amount of money and give it to your local DV shelter, or food bank for DV victims or whatever the other charity of your choice is.
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behind_blue_eyes says:
Ox;
I too have my concerns about “nonprofits” as this does not mean the executives of such organizations do not make a lot of money.
While there are many good ones, anyone making a donation to do some research beforehand.
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skylar says:
OneJoy,
I watched the mump and smoot youtube. Pretty funny. I was intrigued by the faces being made by the doctor guy (not sure if he is mump or smoot). In the last couple of years, my spath began to make a similar facial expression when he was working on projects. He would stick his tongue against his upper lip and put on a face of intense concentration. Now understand, that I had known him for 25 YEARS and he never made that face before. A facial expression like that is a part of your personality that you are likely to have for most of your life. It’s like wrinkling your brow, or biting the inside of your cheek. But this came on suddenly. I now understand that he was just trying on another persona, doing something he saw others do.
The last few years of knowing him, were like this. His mask was coming undone, more and more. I think that’s the real reason he had to get rid of me. He couldn’t stand to see me peak under the mask and see him as anything less than magnificent. Several weeks after we broke up, I went to the airport and saw him He looked and smelled worse than a homeless person. He was really upset that I saw him that way. He wanted me to leave so badly, but I stayed and kept talking to him. It made him visibly uncomfortable. He had not been maintaining his mask.
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Constantine says:
Dear Duped,
How are you? Glad to see that you are getting out of the house a little bit – ice cream sounds like just the thing! It’s almost ninety out here in the East, so I can only imagine how hot it must be out there in SoCal…
It’s good to see that you are keeping up your resolve about N/C. It looks like you have the right idea. However, I think you should take it even one step further, and stop asking yourself “What will I do?/ How will I respond?” etc. In other words, it doesn’t have to be a mystery WHAT you will do. Because – as Oxy is always pointing out – it isn’t a matter of chance, but of CHOICE. Remember, YOU are the one who is in control here!
Here’s my two cents worth of advice: If he calls, don’t answer the phone. If he keeps calling, change your number (inconvenient, but worth the effort). If he comes to the door, don’t answer. (And DON’T SAY A SINGLE WORD TO HIM THROUGH THE DOOR!) In fact, don’t even say “I’m calling the police now” – just call them and wait silently. (And if you don’t have a PFA, get one.) Yes, Duped, silence is the only appropriate response here – SILENCE, SILENCE SILENCE, AND MORE SILENCE. (Meaning Absolute and unequivocal Silence.) Even if you happen to meet outside, just put your head down and walk away – but not one word, not one syllable. Anything less than that and he/IT wins. (Harsh but true.)
Just remember, Duped, that YOU can determine how this thing plays out – if you WILL it and follow your resolution through to the end. I think you will succeed at this, you just need to keep reminding yourself how you can’t ever let him get a foot in the door. Which means that ANY communication whatsoever is highly inadvisable. All it will take is you falling into the trap of yelling at him or arguing with him -and VOILA! – you’re right back where you started.
I know you already know this, but it’s just so important to remember that there is no “soft” version of the No Contact Principle: rather, it’s an extreme “cure” that admits of no compromise or half-measures. Cutting out 99.9 percent of a malignant tumor might sound like good work, but you don’t have to be a veteran Oncologist to know that it’s precisely the .1% that will end up killing you!
Haha, that’s actually not a bad analogy! Perhaps we can start referring to this procedure as a “radical spathectomy”! Which means, of course, that there’s no excuse for getting namby-pamby with your scalpel, Warrior Woman!
At any rate, Duped, I just wanted to give you a little “daily pep talk”! But aside from that, its nice to see you making so much progress and finding some degree of happiness in your life. It’s about time!
Love and best wishes to you.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Constantine,
ABSOLUTELY!!!!! Great analogy!!!!
Keep in mind, too, that RAT POISON is 99.9% PURE WHOLESOME CORN MEAL…. LOL
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Ox Drover says:
BBE, I used to donate hhigh quality livestock females to Heifer Project, International. A friend of mine also who was a Vet would go to South America every year and donate his time taking care of livestock in 3rd world countries for them…but then they got “big” and they didn’t want livestock donations any more but wanted $$$$$$ and they got into the “touchy feely” feel-good eco carp and their CEO got a big salary and all that so I quit donating.
A few years ago I took a group of college students for the college where I worked to their “ranch” which is near my home and the animals at the ranch were SO poorly cared for and covered with flies I was absolutely upset. At least I was able to know they didn’t have any more of my stock or donations.
I am very careful where I donate my limited resources. I am not able to donate as much as I did before I retired and qualified for poverty—but every cent of what I do donate goes to where it will do GOOD not to someone who is out to take advantage of a non-profit tax status. Not all non-profits are bad, I don’t mean that at all, but when you INVESTIGATE them you get some REAL SURPRISES about which ones are great and do good and which ones are not all that great!
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DUPED_IN_SOCAL says:
Hello Constantine: So happy to read you. I hope you are doing alright. I thought of you today and where you might be hiding.
Thanks for responding to me. It means a lot. xxoo
I copied and emailed your response to me up there ^ so that I can read it to myself whenever I want. It’s definitely worth hanging onto and I thank you so much.
Well, I just returned home. I got to my Daughter’s around noon and me and my Grand Daughter went to Baskin Robbins and got ourselves exactly what we wanted and then wandered over to the mall where we shopped until we dropped! hahahaha
It is always such a TREAT and an immense JOY in my world when her and I can have some time together. She is like a little ‘mini=daughter’ and it always amazes me how similar they are.
BOTH just a true joy and it has always been that way.
I don’t know what I am going to do when “IT” shows up around here again and I just know “IT” will, Constantine. I am not expecting the next visit to be so ‘amicable’ as the last as I have pretty much put up some pretty explicit charges and I fully intend to follow them through. I never say anything I don’t mean. I am one of those extraordinary people who only says what they mean and means exactly what they say. I have never been the kind you have to second question because I am always pretty straight forward and stand on my word. Unlike others we know of; right?
That is ONE THING that has never changed about me and will NEVER change. I MADE MYSELF and OWE NOBODY anything other THAN WHAT I SAY. How’s THAT for ‘big girl britches’?
I still have feelings for that person I used to know and it’s killing me inside. I don’t know or understand HOW but I do. I think it’s that ‘betrayal bond’ thing going on. Is that the next phase or what? Is it? I will be alright if I just keep FORCING myself to LIVE and not ruminate and dwell in yesterday. I have to let that dream go now. BUT HE WON’T. I just know he won’t. And the next time he pulls one of his surprise visits, will he succeed in killing me? Will he? I wonder, always. It isn’t easy living life like this: always wondering and waiting – I have told him a hundred times, if once, when he has threatened me: “Don’t threaten me, just bring it on. We can do this.” And I mean it and so does the local police department. They like me WITHOUT all the paperwork so he can be as transient as he wishes….
I just don’t want to see him, hear him, NOTHING. Because I know how I feel. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT IN EVERYTHING YOU SAID TO ME CONSTANTINE. EVERY SINGLE WORD.
I blocked him several months ago from calling any of my telephones. I specifically BLOCKED HIM and all of the other part of the ‘circus’ that was trying to contact me FOR “IT”. One by one they all made it to the ‘blocked’ list and I absolutely REFUSE to speak to “IT” on the telephone. ALL HE DOES IS YELL AND RANT AND RAVE LIKE A CRAZY PERSON ANYWAYS. There is NEVER anything nice about hearing from “IT”.
HE WILL COME TO MY DOOR OR APPROACH ME OUTSIDE ON THE STREET. I always have my cellphone and have no problem dialing 9-1-1; it’s always a pleasure to meet ‘the men in blue’, around here…more like ‘family’ than cops. I don’t want to physically HURT him, Constantine. But I will tell you this much: I WILL DEFEND MYSELF. I won’t go out of my way to harm him, but I WILL DEFEND MYSELF.
You said to just stay inside and not open the door to the ‘boogeyman’. Somehow that goes against everything that has made me who I am, Constantine.
I think you already know that. You said don’t even speak to him through the door…
Well, I have no peep holes to look out and I am actually quite well ‘held up’…when people knock on my door, instead of opening it, I always say: “Who’s there?” I know his knock. But that doesn’t mean it can’t change. I ALWAYS ASK WHO IS THERE. And, if I ever am returned the response that it is “IT”, yes, he will have five seconds to get away from my door. ONE MINUTE RESPONSE TIME to my house. (I am so grateful).
I have been repeatedly asked if I think he would harm me.
Unequivocally, YES. I am NOT in the least bit ‘afraid’ of “IT” but that doesn’t mean “IT” won’t TRY. See my point?
I stick pretty close to home and that’s fine with me. I love my home and I AM retired now, so it’s not like I have anything NEEDING to be done; know what I mean? I just know it is going to come, sooner or later…
THEY NEVER JUST LET GO.
I AM DREADING IT. WITH ALL MY BEING.
I AM AFRAID I AM NOT GOING TO BE SO NICE THE NEXT TIME.
Like the ‘final showdown’; hm? It’s coming. I just know it.
You say not to think about it; just to move on…but, Dear Constantine, a person MUST keep alert and keep themselves safe. I am an old hand at this kind of stuff. He is definitely dealing with THE WRONG PERSON this time. I am not going to go out of my way to make any waves nor problems for “IT”. BUT: at my demise, “IT” will be dealt with and I have the full support of everyone involved. I AM ENTITLED TO LIVE THE REST OF WHAT LIFE I HAVE LEFT WITHOUT THE DRAMA OF A COURT BATTLE. I DONT HAVE THAT MUCH TIME.
When I said good bye, I informed “IT” that the best thing “IT” could do for “ITSELF” was to seek ‘counsel’. And, I meant it.
Only I am not going to fight this battle with what time I have left here on earth…I am going to spend the rest of what I have, loving my family; taking care of myself and making MYSELF happy, whatever that takes. With the honor and the grace and the dignity that this life, this gift, deserves.
I was spared when I had my heart attack for a reason and a purpose and while I used to think I came back to do numerous things, I have found that I was spared to come back to MYSELF.
This isn’t just about “IT”. “IT” was lucky that “IT” didn’t get shot right between the eyes when I figured it out about the attempt….I am glad “IT” was miles and miles and miles away…
I am not a violent person and always try to see the good in everyone, even when there isn’t much. THREATS on my life are NOT something I take lightly. I feel: “better to error on the side of safety than to be dumb and make yourself easy prey…”
I should have lived that philosophy when giving out my heart and my caring and my concern. Maybe I wouldn’t be in this emotional HELL I Have been living.
Yes, exactly my point: SILENCE is the ONLY appropriate thing to enforce, no matter how I feel. Eternal silence. BUT: “IT” isn’t going to stop. “IT” will do something else if it can’t get to me. I KNOW THIS. It’s the old: “If I can’t have you, nobody will…” thing with “IT”. I have been RUNNING away from it for almost two years, steadily, and “IT” just never stops. IT will stop for a little while and, like I said, usually about 3 months, before IT starts up again. IT always starts with ‘stalking’ and ‘strangers’ contacting me; or trying to…since “IT” is blocked and all the other victims are, that I KNOW OF, “IT” has a whole range of people over the years, contacting me and I just want it to go away.
So, this is my plan, I am going to be moving to a safe zone.
The only people who will know where I am are my family.
“IT” will NEVER find me and NC will be complete.
You see, everyone, I have loved “IT” for many years now.
Despite itself. That unconditional kind of love. Sure, “IT” doesn’t deserve it, but it wasn’t “IT” that I loved. It was “HIM”; the “HIM” that was there before it turned rabid.
As I left “IT” there, standing by ITSELF, saying good bye to it…
with not a tear in my eye…I told “IT” that I just didn’t know who he was anymore and that I wasn’t going to continue playing this game. That is was finished and over. “IT” tried to kill me. THAT used to be MY BEST FRIEND before the DEMONS took it over…..
I COMPLETELY understand you – completely. No reaction.
Don’t you worry, Constantine. hehehehe There is a whole UNIT here that would LOVE to drag “IT” off to the big house; trust me.
That is what it takes. It’s difficult, especially when you see “IT” is lost but I just am not doing this anymore. I just am not.
And I mean every word. PFA: covered; always.
“I” want to personally turn the key and drive to the ocean so I can toss that key right into the bottom of the ocean!
How is that for a paradox? Me: putting away what used to be considered my best friend, at one point in time. Just an amazing, unbelievable kind of thing. Truly.
The ice cream date went sooooooooooooooo well!
They didn’t even charge me for the EXTRA HOT FUDGE!
How can you beat that with a stick?
I am okay. THANK YOU::::HUGS:::::SMILES::::
BLESS YOU CONSTANTINE. Yes: “I” am in charge.
I just so hate to do it….you know?
Excellent analogy! I saved your response and put it on my desktop so I can read it to myself over and over again.
It’s that .1% that becomes infected and starts that cancerous tumor all over again…I completely relate.
hahaha: “radical spathectomy” – how about that…
new surgical procedure; haahahahahaha
Love you Constantine…
May the Angels rest on your pillow…
DUH-DUH-DUPEDSTER
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Constantine says:
Hey Duped -
Great to hear that you had such a nice day! It sounds like you really do have a wonderful family. At the same time, I notice that most of your nearest and dearest are female! Nothing wrong with that, but I was thinking how it might be nice to have a son or a brother who could “solve” this isssue for you by simply going and thrashing this guy within an inch of his life! (In my family I fear this would already have happened a long time ago!) In short, I’m all for “Gandhian pacifism” in the abstract, but in certain cases there is nothing to get the point across like a good old-fashioned ass-drubbing! (Especially when you’re talking about a mindless and out of control psychopath!)
But those pleasant fantasies aside, the next best thing is to continually reaffirm the No Contact policy. The phone is easy, but I’m a little concerned about him coming to your door. If that happens, I can only repeat what I said before – DO NOT ENGAGE HIM IN ANY WAY! Tell your relatives to announce themselves when they knock – because I guarantee you if you start talking to him at the door, it’s going to lead to trouble. (I would personally advise against even a “Who is it?” for the next couple of years.) For that matter, why not just invest a few dollars and get the peephole?
You also said “I am not like that,” etc. – which I understand. But we have to change ourselves a little, no? Because after all, “how we are” or “how we were,” is what got us into these situations in the first place! And unless we make the small changes, we will keep attracting these bad experiences until we learn the lesson that they are trying to teach us.
The keynote here, Duped, is ruthlessness. This guy is clearly ruthless himself, and if you want to win this, then you have to be at least as ruthless as he is. Only in your case it’s much simpler in that your ruthlessness consists entirely in avoiding him. (And in getting rid of the lingering idealizations of him – of what you “thought he was” – which clearly have no basis in reality.) But doing so in a way that is uncompromising and absolute. If you do that and follow through to the end, I think everything will end up being fine and more than fine. But you must go the distance with this and never let your guard down – not even in the most trivial way.
At any rate, I think you can do it, Duped!
Good luck and love to you,
Constantine
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DUPED_IN_SOCAL says:
Dear Constantine: Good evening! xxoo
Thank you so much for your support….
Ha: “gandhian pacifism”…IN THE ABSTRACT.
Not only my FAMILY MEMBERS want a piece of “IT”, I think the whole legal community in my area would LOVE to have a piece of “IT”. I try to keep the peace in both directions. There is no reason nor need for ANYONE ELSE to PAY FOR WHAT “IT” is doing and/or has done. It’s pointless. “IT” is not worth it. But, I do agree with you. “IT” is fortunate that my half brother (3-time Viet Nam Vet), nor my Grandfather (4-1/2 YEAR WWII vet) are not still alive because there would be NO WAY to stop THEM! In my family, they were the ‘defenders’ and the ‘protectors’. I have “FAMILY” in other parts of life, though. The kind that have that ‘ultimate power’ at their disposal and WILL USE IT if “IT” comes near me again. “IF” they know, that is.
It’s alright; growing up in a family like “I” had, a person engrained ‘self protection’ into their daily habit. I learned all about the law at an early age and carried that with me throughout my entire lifetime. “Seasoned” they call it.
Learned how to shoot at the age of 9 years old. Never a hunter; always a peacemaker…..but I have had my training. “IT” is never quite sure if “I” could KICK IT’S BUTT OR NOT, actually. Hand-to-hand, IT WOULD RUN away like a little girl, but “IT” isn’t that foolish….I know “IT” has access to PFA’s as well…just like the old west: ‘showdown at high noon’, Brother Constantine….
It’s alright. “RIGHT” and “JUST” and all that is Holy and Good is on MY SIDE. The devil comes and speaks in many tongues…ONLY UNTIL YOU CUT IT’S TONGUE OFF and it slithers away like the snake it is.
There has been NC from me in 2-1/2 months precisely. “IT” has attempted to contact me no more than a month ago. Threatening me to ‘leave it alone’…whatever. Like “I” am suppose to be AFRAID of “IT”; I don’t think so. We are ‘toe to toe’ on this and I seem to have more conscious than “IT”; hahahaha….let me rephrase that: “I” DO HAVE MORE CONSCIOUS THAN “IT” and that is what “IT” is banking on…
that spark of ‘caring’ and ‘goodness’ inside of me, hoping I won’t do it. “IT” doesn’t like ‘losing control’ over any of “IT’s” situations. It becomes like a crazed animal in the woods who knows “IT” has been trapped. IT KNOWS.
I will be fine. I grew up with this kind of stuff. I have had training, LOTS of IT, in self defense – “IT” picked the WRONG PERSON to mess with this time. And I do MEAN that, with all of my being. Ruthlessness is what I need to surround my heart with, when it comes to “IT”. And, RUTHLESSNESS is the shade of color my heart is turning. On a daily basis.
This isn’t a ‘guy’, Dear Constantine; of all of the men who have been in my life, there is not one guy that I know of that is as low, despicable and animal-like, as this one. Trust me on that.
THERE IS NO SAVING “IT”. You could put the ‘writing on the wall’ in front of “IT” and “IT” will still continue on it’s treadmill of insanity. And, that is what it truly is, you know: INSANITY. “IT” is insane and I am starting to learn not to take it ‘personally’.
As much as I protect myself from “IT” and languish in the hurt, and HATE IT for the ugliness IT is and all of the ugliness IT has brought to me and so many others, I still pray for it to awake and become the wonderful potential IT has. But “IT” won’t. “IT” never will. It is now trapped in the very hell “IT” created.
And “IT” will say: “I know this. I KNOW I need to get myself on the straight and narrow. I don’t know how.” Yet, when you take “IT” by the hand, like it was a small child (which for a 2 time combat veteran, you would think “IT” would have more courage), “IT tries to kill you. hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Amazing; isn’t it? How they leech souls…
NO. “IT” is NOT leeching THIS SOUL. My life was given back to me for a reason. As soon as I get my head together, over the battle that rages within, between my heart and my common sense, my conscious and my lack of it, (carefully finding that ‘sweet spot’ in between) as soon as I find that: it will be TRULY OVER and it is coming quickly now. I am more empowered on a daily basis and I am NOT GIVING IT MY LIFE. That is all there is to it, Dear Constantine. There is no compromising. It is either ME or IT. “IT” don’t have these thoughts, as I do….questioning itself and it’s morals and values because “IT” has NONE! It is a walking machine like a robot. Only that robot was programmed to devour not only souls but people too. IT IS NOT GOING TO DEVOUR ME. I will devour “IT” before “IT” does me. Period. And IT KNOWS I have the strength and the power to do it. And it HATES ME FOR THAT VERY REASON. Oh, it whines and harasses and stalks, saying how much “IT” loves me…whatever……because “IT” is afraid of me and “IT” hates me because I have more power than “IT” does. So, “IT” tried to kill me. I am almost over THAT shock – moving onto the next step; I refuse to allow myself to HATE. I can’t do it. I won’t. So the next step is: TAKE CARE OF MYSELF and NC is the only way to do that. If I hadn’t of NC’d when I did, I would be dead and not sitting here writing this right now. Evil, I tell ya! Truly.
I will never lower myself to it’s level by becoming a ruthless bitch but what I will do is defend myself. I will LOCK IT OUT OF MY LIFE and if that doesn’t work, we will move onto the next level. So far, it has been eerily quiet for six weeks now. There has been absolutely NOTHING. I know “IT” is there ‘lurking’, however. It LIVES in the middle of chaos and drama, 24/7; “IT” likes it….I have removed myself from that equation.
Right: small changes; ahahahaha – HUGE changes, you mean, Constantine! HUGE. Readjustment time. Reprogramming time. This has unsurped the very premise of who I thought I was and who I was sure I WAS. And it did so with intent, the whole time denying it. Saying “IT” couldn’t change. Oh so: ‘whatever’. I believe we all have the power to change. It isn’t easy and that is probably WHY the spath doesn’t attempt it…they would rather be slovenly and lazy about their souls. It is easier STEALING other peoples life force than it is using their own. They are lifeless; soul-less beings no matter how much they try to convince you differently.
Yes; that ‘fantasy’ – that ‘dream’ – that is what “IT” uses to keep me captured….deep down inside where it’s REALITY, no matter a made up vision of what the heart believes and feels.
I have had to break MY OWN HEART in order to get away from this toxic poisonous manifestation of evil, before it completely destroyed me. I almost let it. My life was hanging and teetering on the edge but something – no, Love Fraud…I found Love Fraud and it grabbed me just before I fell of the edge.
Right: ‘how we are’ or ‘how we were’ is what got us into these situations in the first place. I completely agree. I made this one last exception for someone I truly believed in and looked up to and admired, for a long time before the morphing took place. I made that exception. One more time….
“IT” laughed and said: “YOU manufactured the dream of what you wanted us/me to become INSIDE YOUR OWN MIND. “I” had nothing to do with it. YOU let it all happen. It is all YOUR FAULT.”
No; none of it. I didn’t need nor particularily ‘want’ it in my life, in the first place…it truthfully WORMED IT’s WAY INTO MY LIFE, like some kind of cockroach…where there is one, you know, that is where you will find a multitude. Seriously. They don’t like keeping the good people around because they find them boring and too ‘restricting’ so they move on to someone who is very ‘ignorant’ and ‘unsuspecting’. There is NO LOYALTY.
If Grandfather or my Brother were alive, “IT” would not be breathing. Right now, there are family members who would LOVE to decimate it. There are ‘constituents’ who would LOVE to manhandle “IT” and throw “IT” in jail for what “IT” is….I am trying to keep the peace because “IT” is NOT worth paying a further price for. “IT” just isn’t. So I keep the dogs down.
I am NOT paying any further ‘price’ for loving someone and I refuse to allow anyone I LOVE to pay a ‘price’ as well. “IT” just isn’t worth it.
What I ‘thought’ he was. I believed him, then. I truly did and the more time that went by, after he came home, the uglier and meaner and crazier it became….
I will eventually let go. I will…..
Sometimes ‘grown up’ stuff is really, really, hard to deal with…
the choices aren’t as easy anymore. Sometimes really loving something is just ‘letting it go’. I think I will always ‘love’ that person I thought it was. So perfect! But all of that was just a lie and manufactured to suck me into it’s webs…
I am ‘getting it’…slowly but surely.
Yes; consistently avoiding “IT”. In all ways. That is the only solution. I have had occasion to speak with a criminal psychologist, (aren’t I fortunate?), who EMPHATICALLY says the same thing: “If you just cease all further communication with “IT”, “IT” will eventually stop and move onto “ITs” next victim. Just NO FURTHER CONTACT. Even if he says all those beautiful, wonderful, cataclysmic things, DO NOT RESPOND FOR NOTHING and IT WILL EVENTUALLY GO AWAY.”
I am going the distance, My Dearest Constantine. I have every intention of going the distance. Thank you so much for your love and support. xxoo
I will be fine. I will keep in touch here to let you know I am alright. Are you kidding me? I don’t think I could get through a day without coming here to read. I have been a ‘student’ of life, all my life.
Right: never let my guard down. I don’t trust it as far as I could pick it up and throw it. 
Wait a minute, bad analogy. heheheeh Let me rephrase: “I don’t trust it and I WILL pick it up and throw it! 
Oh yes, there will be an eventual confrontation. I know this. I can’t keep ‘hiding’ and avoiding the inevitable. I am not afraid…although I think it would try to kill me again, if it could. Just aware. I TRY to avoid “IT” in all realms of my being but sometimes the ‘thoughts’…well, as hard as it is, I believe I can do this. I am telling myself I AM GOING TO DO THIS. Just got to muster enough wind under my sails, I guess.
Thank you Constantine, and all of you here, for being some of that ‘wind under MY sails”…your caring and friendship is priceless to me.
Love and best of wishes Constantine for a happy and loved life, please do stay in touch with me.
DUPED
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