“Emotional blindness” and the sociopath
PDF Editor’s note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who comments as “Pearl.”
By Pearl
Someone on this blog once mentioned a book by Alice Miller and Andrew Jenkins, and it caught my attention. So now I’m reading The Truth Will Set You Free—Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self.
Even though I’m only about halfway through the book, I wanted to share parts of it because it is so important to what a lot of us are working on—forgiving ourselves and trying to understand why this (fraud) happened to us. I know this won’t apply or appeal to everyone, but it might help some of you as it has me. Miller’s ideas help me understand why I was susceptible and forgive myself for my blindness—my inability to spot a “bad guy.”
Miller focuses on childhood—on how corporal punishment (spanking/whipping) and humiliation—cause a type of blindness in adulthood that can lead to being manipulated and UNABLE TO SEE THROUGH LIES. She emphasizes that the kind of parenting and education aimed at breaking a child’s will and making that child into an obedient subject by means of overt or covert coercion, manipulation and emotional blackmail leaves long-lasting imprints on the way we think and relate to one another as adults.
Here is the cycle as she sees it:
- Traditional methods of upbringing, which have included corporal punishment, lead a child to DENY suffering and humiliation. (Can anyone related to having a high pain threshold? Where did I get that bruise or cut—I don’t remember getting it? Ever feel humiliated at being spanked, paddled or whipped as a child? Ever experience a parent being insensitive to suffering?)
- This denial, although essential if the child is to SURVIVE, will later cause emotional blindness.
- Emotional blindness produces “barriers in the mind” erected to guard against dangers. This means that early denied traumas become encoded in the brain, and even though they no longer pose a threat, they continue to have a subtle, destructive impact. (The memory of how to respond to such crappy behavior from our parents and authority figures is still there.)
- Barriers in the mind keep us from learning new information, putting it to good use, and shedding old, outdated behaviors.
- Our bodies retain a complete memory of the humiliations we suffered, driving us to inflict unconsciously on the next generation what we endured in childhood, unless we become aware of the cause of our behavior, which is embedded in the history of our own childhoods.
As children, some of us learned to suppress and deny natural feelings. Some of us lived in a world where our feelings were ignored and denied.
All the beaten child remembers is FEAR and the face of the ANGRY parent, not why the beating was taking place. The child may even assume he had been naughty and deserved the punishment. Miller writes that in the absence of a witness who can empathize with us in childhood and genuinely listen to us, we have no other way of protecting ourselves from the pain but to close our minds to it.
In a bid to blot the fear and pain of our abused younger self, we erase what we know can help us, we can fall prey to the seductiveness of sects and cults, and FAIL TO SEE THROUGH ALL KINDS OF LIES.
Having this information helps me understand why I was “ripe for the picking.” It also goes a long way toward helping me forgive myself and move on in the healing process.
written by Donna Andersen • Permalink •
candy says:
Farwronged – Unlike spath we cannot switch our emotions off like a light switch. So we still ‘feel’, even though it’s ‘all over’.
Once we are out of the relationshit (and what we thought was real starts to unravel) we are left in a state of limbo.
It just takes some t-i-m-e, and that could be 3 months, 3 years, 30 years……who knows? But it DOES get easier eventually. We need to process it in our own time. I still get aha and WTF moments 7 months on. So cut yourself some slack, deal with it a day at a time.
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eb92044 says:
candy:
Funny you mentioned about switching the emotions off and on. I used almost those exact words describing my spath to a friend. I said it’s literally like there is a switch in his head that turns off and on…he wanted me, he didn’t want me, he wanted me, he didn’t want me. It was always on his terms.
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panther says:
Thank you for writing this. I’m slowly pouring through the whole “healing” section on this blog. Every article helps me put this puzzle together.
I want to get over this FOR GOOD and start the right life once and for all. One article at a time, I will get to the bottom of this and undo those knots!
Thanks!
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coping says:
Do I need psychiatric help? I was trying to find an appropriate thread for this but can’t seem to find one. Lately I have been thinking more about my mother than the spath. This topic is very delicate for me and often one that triggers a defensive reaction, however it’s an important one at leaste to start thinking. I have bought the betrayal bond but in all honesty have been scared to read it. Scared to deal with what I know I need to face.
My childhood was filled with very powerful and manipulative abuse. With very strong lows (foster care, facilities, and group placements, I was even considered a run away at 12 although I was always kicked out when mom got angry). It was also filled with very great highs after the age of 15 (moved to Europe, traveled, met interesting people from other cultures, saw normal families) both the good and bad experiences came from the same woman. Fate/chance or circumstance I can’t say.
I’ve never told anyone about what I’m going to write but I’m concerned and I don’t know where to begin without looking nuts. I’m sure I will regret this later but here goes. I have many blackouts from my childhood…sometimes they come and go. Since the age of around 10 I guess I have always to this day suffered from some type of weird phobia. Please understand they are very powerful and have affected me while they are happening but they eventually disappear as if they never existed. I will try to explain a few as I can remember them. When I was around 10 I was afraid to swallow. Scared to choke..terrified beyond normal. Anxiety plagued phobia I guess then it disappeared one day only to come and go as a strange memory. They have always been there but just take on different forms. All equally terrifying and life altering as they occur. Others I remember today: not being able to take the metro.. When the doors closed a panic filled me.. It was consuming..I would walk the entire city to avoid it. This lasted months.. Than poof it was gone. There were and have been so many.. Being in high school and university and having to have the seat by the door in case I needed to escape without making a scene. I see they have always been there…. Just taking new and different forms. But when the new one appears it is just as terrifying. These are panic attacks in a sence but associated with odd things. Things that don’t make sence. Then they are gone after terrifying me I don’t know what this is or why I have them. I don’t hear voices, don’t see things, never dangerous, just afraid, feeling trapped… I can’t explain this properly… I’m trying. I know this is not normal and it needs to be addressed. For many years I drank heavily to cope and self medicate. It’s only now that my mother has come back into my life that I can see a corrolation and the danger and destruction she causes me. I don’t know how to begin addressing her or these other issues but I know I must. I’m afraid.. Afraid of looking at her and having to make choices and judgements about her. Worse I’m afraid of her reactions when I do.. They are never pretty. I’m not sure I’m ready for this yet.
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
(((dear coping. me thinks you are ready. )))) you have taken the step to speak about this and that is brave and ultimately freeing.
First, see a doctor and make sure you are physically okay. And do get a mental health evaluation. I just did. And although they didn’t have resources within the healthcare system for me, they did have an outside resource that i have followed up on for some counseling. i go for my intake appt. next week.
best, one joy
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coping says:
Mom is such a touchy subject I don’t even talk to my therapist about her. Not yet anyway. I am so sick right now and so is jr. Maybe things will “feel” better tomorrow. (((thanks))) this onion shit really sucks!
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coping says:
Goodnight all and god bless. One day one step at a time. (((sincere and honest hugs to all)))
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one/joy_step_at_a_time says:
coping, what i meant by ‘okay’ was that there isn’t a physical cause for what you are experiencing; i know you aren’t well right now. big hugs…you are a brave one.
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Coping,
I am in agreement 110% with the suggestions by One/Joy, I don’t think you are “crazy” and there is a reason somewhere. Rule out the physical first…and then start to examine the “onion”–sure, it is scary, and believe me taking an honest look at someone who is as important as a “mother” (especially one in which you know there has been some drama when you were a child) is a scary thing.
What I realized is that I do NOT have to accept my egg donor’s judgment of what or who I am. I can MAKE MY OWN JUDGMENT about both what And who I am and WHO or WHAT she is, and in my case, she is NOT my “mother” but my egg donor, she did not earn the title “mother.” It hurt, especially at first, but while I still wish I had had a loving mother, the fact is, I did NOT have a loving mother, and I am accepting that.
(((Hugs))) and my sincere prayers for you!
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skylar says:
coping,
I experienced something similar, at least twice while with the spath. I can’t say what the cause was, since he was poisoning me and it could have been a reaction to one of his “cocktails”. The last one lasted about 6 months.
The only way I can describe it is a feeling of dread in my gut.
I literally felt exactly like I would feel if there was a person standing next to me with a gun to my head. It was so hard to function during that time. I spent all my days, gathering firewood, so that I could be occupied yet not actually doing anything. I cleared quite a bit of property doing that.
It’s very possible, that just the thought of your mother is the cause. If she is a spath, then she is dangerous to your psyche and you could be sensing that.
Acknowledging this could help alleviate it.
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panther says:
I_survived….
I love your name
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zimzoomit says:
I wanted to know how many of you watch the National Geographic series “Tabu” (or is it “Taboo?) about people with strange sex fetishes, hobbies and habits? I watched it last night and there was this “family man” who designs technology for avatars and has cyber sex using the “avatars”..not “real people” (oh…right! uh huh) so apparently it’s “ok” with his wife because it’s not “porn”, yet, strangers (who are avatars) sign up using it and interact with him sexually, though in an “anime-like” way. Neither he nor his wife, apparently, think he’s cheating, but I saw no difference in the technology that he uses for his fantasy life than the way that phone sex buyers/sellers use, and it just seemed like his wife is either IN DENIAL if not like a Stepford Wife. I thought, if a married woman or man wants to share her or his sexual fantasies, they share them with EACH OTHER, when married. What do you think, bloggers?
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zimzoomit says:
Not to mention..I noticed that whoever interviewed the man and wife..well, I did not see that the interviewer asked each how his or her sex life was with each other. Now, we all know that sex addiction and cyber cheating can diminish a marriage, especially if one’s fantasies override reality to the point of deadening one’s emotions toward one’s partner. That is why I wanted to get LF bloggers’ opinions on that segment, if anyone saw it.
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agreenbean says:
i was certainly not ever beaten or humiliated by my parents as a child. (but my spath was) i however, was humiliated teased and physically bullied as a child. i never learned to turn that off though, i suffered greatly each time. and my spath repeated those exact same things, i know he did. he told me about his bad childhood, i told him about mine thinking we were bonding, and he instead he used that weak spot to break me down. i suffered every childhood hurt all over again. i was FINALLY feeling like some tiny aspect of that has improved after a year of therapy.
UNTIL….he got in touch with me, quite a long time after the end of our relatinship. i had been NC for about 8 months. my first thought was “are you out of fuel, need someone who is caring and decent to suck the life out of again?” i have no idea if he is involved, or i have no idea where this came from or why except he wants something, hes always expecting something from everything he does so what does he want?
but i couldn’t turn it off, i couldn’t ignore it and i dont know why. i told him firmly i didn’t need to know how he was feeling about me because it isn’t relevant anymore. his reponse was that i hurt him saying that, and of course i then found myself apologizing.
i know that exactly what he’d want, for me to end up feeling bad about it so he can feel like oh pity me, i still care and then you’re mean to me. (what a load of bull)
but why is it so irresistable? why did i feel so pleased to know he misses me? i know he can’t actually feel that feeling! i know i didn’t hurt his feelings, either because he only has 2 feelings: anger and shame.
why can’t i j ust ignore it and not want to know more about what hes thinking and why?
why can’t the people who DESERVE to be able to calm their feelings always have to feel them so intensly?
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strongawoman says:
Agreenbean,
That is the 64000 dollar question. I find myself searching for the answer. It’s becoming a bit of an obsession lol. I completely understand your emotions
“why did I feel so pleased to know he misses me”
Since finding LF I’ve come to realise that he doesn’t miss me because he pines for me or he loves me or he wants to spend some time with me ….even though he is seriously love bombing me at the moment. He doesnt have normal human responses like missing me because he doesn’t feel love. I don’t know for certain what his motives are…….money, support, sex, supply basically but what I am seeing more and more is that it isn’t love. I miss him because I love him. He misses me because he’s bored, wants to play or maybe he just needs me to cook his tea. Probably the latter.
I’m with you Agreenbean. Come on hold my hand friend. NC for 8 months. Wow that’s an achievement. As Oxy said to me last week after breaking 3months…….get back on that horse. Yee ha!!
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agreenbean says:
thank you strongawoman.
you are exactly right. i miss him because i was falling in love with him, because he gave me dreams of a future that sounded so lovely. but thats all they were, dreams. he wanted my financial support, my doting, my never ending stream of forgiveness. not to share life with me.
i guess i had a normal human reaction, thinking someone i miss sometimes felt the same, that would warm the heart a bit, make you feel hopefully.
unfortunately i had that reaction before i could get to the thoughts about how he doesn’t really miss me, he just wants something from me.
i dont know, maybe hes between victims and thought of me because i’m local and its been long enough he probably thinks i’ve forgiven him or forgotten the abuse. but i haven’t. and now i feel a fool remembering it and realizing i let him get the best of me again because i couldn’t resist responding to him.
so yes, i’ll do my best to get back on that horse, let us all ride together!
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Ox Drover says:
Dear Bean, Glad to see you back! Strongwoman gave you some good advice. Hold on and stay NC! He misses you because he is HUNGRY for attention, sex, money, whatever it is that he was getting from you, but you are just a source of “supply” and he’s going through his little black book because the current supply has caught on and kicked his sorry arse to the kurb!
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woundlicker says:
Greenbean, I was thinking the same thing you wrote. My parents have always been wonderful to me, my grandmother was my soulmate (and I know she is my gaurdian angel above), but boy did my childhood suck outside of family.
My mother wad born in Istanbul to a Greek dad and Italian mother. My military dad from Kentucky married mom in Greece where my brothers and I were born.
Fresh into Texas kindergarten from living in 10 different countries was HELL. I was an outsider, teased and rejected, beaten up, you name it. Boys would even beat me up. I never grew out of being the odd one out in any grade at school, in any job I have ever had. And still for some reason I have always tried to mend others broken wings. Each time I got hurt. I am done being taken advantage of and I think that was the real reason I had to endure the nightmare of the ex spath, so I could hit bottom and finally make a change for the better.
Now I’m fixing my own wings for the first time. The biggest step towards that? NO CONTACT! Its been 3 years and the ex spath has not come around, but I did get a restraining order that lasted for a year.
The very most important part in healing YOU and getting you to a better place is staying absolutely no contact.
I know that will be hard, of course, you have a heart and you want to love and be loved, but this one does not love, he destroys.
God be with you.
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myheart says:
I guess missing part is missing the dream, which was described you in most romantic way, so relationship felt like made in heaven. We both used to say destiny brought together, he would say a lot of good things and many immature way of showing his affection, which I found very childish, at that time I found is kind of weird but attractive at the same time.
But later I found many things were disfunctional, many of them.
Yes you should miss your dream, but don’t miss him as part of your dream, dream again but with a normal person, because broken people can only break your dream, they can’t give anything back, they are there take everything and leave again to find a new victim.
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skylar says:
zimzoomit,
I didn’t see the show, but I agree with you. When your partner shows that he is more interested in perverse sexuality than he is in you, that is a RED FLAG. I think it’s fear of intimacy, which all spaths have.
The wife is in denial because she is projecting her own feelings onto him. She is probably a doormat like I was with my spath. She assumes he loves her so he would never hurt her. Riiiight.
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zimzoomit says:
Pearl..you wrote,
“What I saw as I was growing up was not good–it was harmful to me but of course I didn’t realize that. The Betrayal Bond taught me that I denied the trauma or repressed it or normalized it and “believed” what my parents, the church, and my strict Catholic nun teachers told me”
..have you been on exchristians.org yet..read any of those stories up there? I have one up there myself .. yeah..about “strict Catholic nun teachers” too..
I can truly empathize.
Zim
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Ox Drover says:
Zim, glad to see you back!
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agreenbean says:
woundlicker, i also had boys beat me up. actually never girls, girls were nastier but never physically violent, that was always the boys, spitting, pushing hitting.
i relate so much to feeling like the odd one out and trying to heal others. i think spaths see that. i think in a lot of cases they are fully aware that they are “different” and have very pathetic stories any “helper” type just can’t resist.
at first it was hard to be NC, but once i managed it, i felt like i had some of my own power back, that i made a choice for myself, i felt good about it! then it got much easier. i started to emotionaly grasp the unfixable-ness of him, i started to understand how dangerous he was as my friends slowly confessed they had been scared for my safety and were trying to figure out how to confront me without upseting me.
i figured he moved on and wouldn’t both with me ever again, although he claimed to “love” me in words, in the end, i knew his actions only showed cruelty and nothing like love. i figured hed find someone better to bother since he had so many complaints about me. i went through hypnotherapy to get over my fear of seeing him, my anxiety got some better
i even ran into him several times and even though he gave me the sociopath stare, he didn’t say a word. i felt pretty safe and comfortable that he was out of my life and that was that. a lot of time went by.
i really NEVER expected to hear another word from him. i dont buy what he said, his worry for me, his missing of me, although it touches my heart a little bit, its only because i KNOW he realizes i’m a good patient person and not a lot of people would tolerate half what i did!
and i guess i’m not, oh, angry or extremely depressed. i’m just shocked he reached out. not by what he said, just that he actually did it! i never thought he had the b@lls….lol
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zimzoomit says:
OxDrover wrote,
My renter’s hired hand, a nice young man age 26 who also takes care of my livestock as part of his job, is getting divorced after four months marriage with a Borderline Personality disordered woman who swore to him “she would change her ways.” Apparently she has been sleeping with her previous boyfriend the entire time they dated and were married, gave custody of her kids up to her ex husband, or they were taken away, I’m not sure.”
and
“He said she told that she “just couldn’t live with all those rumors of her cheating” and that she was “worried he would commit suicide” (he is NOT a “suicide type guy”)”
Wow..that last part..EXACTLY what my ex P did to me..asked me directly, over the phone, “are you going to hurt yourself?” .. as in “commit suicide” .. no, I am not the suicidal type, either, but it sure seemed as though, if he didn’t actually WANT me to commit suicide, he wanted to put the thought in my head for it.
And that part about the woman being a Borderline Personality Disordered person? Well, that convinces me (though I was already convinced, long before I read that part you wrote) that, he, in fact, is also BPD..not that I worry myself anymore with “diagnosing” him, I don’t, but it just firms my conclusions about his sickness, even more.
Thank you.
Zim
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zimzoomit says:
OxDrover..you wrote,
“he had told everyone he was a Navy SEAL, he had worked for CIA, FBI, had made 5000 parachute jumps (no one has ever made that many) and other bald faced lies etc.”
A friend of mine has been keeping track of cheaters profiled on different web sites and found TWENTY profiled who PRETENDED to be “Navy Seals” and she passed the info on to me and other of her friends. We got a big laugh from it. Don’t they know they are NOT original, or that scam has far too long been used for us not to recognize it by now? I wonder if they are all in the same PUA (Pick Up Artists) club?
Zim
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
The ppath never changes it’s stripes.
It never changes it’s MO nor it’s POA.
The only thing that has changed is me.
I have changed.
I have seen it all so clearly now.
It’s time to definitely move on and call it a day.
Permanently the next time and I see that coming quickly now.
Almost ‘letting go’ time again….almost….
Dupey
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Ox Drover says:
You’re welcome, Zim….
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zimzoomit says:
I_survived_The_Bastard wrote,
“I took a hammer to the ‘martial bed” & found that a very good release”
I had a very pricey antique-looking bed. It was part of my divorce settlement. I’d had it for years, even used it in my home with the (subsequent) spath. But, when I finally met my GOOD, NEXT lover (the one after, hopefully the FINAL spath, my new lover had his own bed, and he doesn’t even have a headboard on it. I gave my pricey bed away, to a friend of mine who has a large country home and it looks good in her marital home.
I also discarded most of the clothes I wore when with the spath. Got rid of all and any POLYESTER clothing, including the things the spath had bought me across many years, most, if not all of them, typically polyester. I got new ones. Though used, from consignment shops, they are all of silk, wool, natural cotton, linen..natural fabrics..things that felt good on my skin and let me breathe. Nothing in my closet now reminds me of the spath. It’s those little steps that count.
Zim
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zimzoomit says:
Correction…I did not mean that my lover since the FINAL SPATH is a spath, too. He isn’t. I was just typing too fast.
Zim
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zimzoomit says:
I also agree with Oxy that what behind_blue_eyes experienced from his cousin was RAPE. Even though blue_eyes told us it was “consensual” (AT AGE 13????!) and not “molestation”.. I don’t believe it was not rape..not for one second.
Just curious, blue_eyes..did you live in the mid west when this happened? Often, this can happen around rural or farm areas, when everyone older in the family is out doing the hard tasks of farming, way the hell outdoors somewhere..out of sight, out of mind, no one inside to protect. Or, this “seduction” might have happened in a barn..some obscure place, behind/between myriad giant haystacks, possibly?
And your cousin’s sisters..how many of them were there total? Of those, how many of those told later of being molested by their uncle or father? No one was around to witness anything he did to/with you? Was there no one in sight around when this (I’ll call it rape-seduction) took place, who was older than you? Were his sisters older than him? I suppose he didn’t think of it as “rape” either.
How well we know to what extremes rapists can go, to justify their actions!
I gathered from your story that after the father died, one or more sisters came forward to say they were molested by either their father or their uncle? How many of them came forward? Did the wife (either the wife of the uncle or wife of the father, or father’s brother) know when this went down, to just “look the other way”? Did either woman, your mother or your aunt, stay in a dysfunctional marriage just “because of the kids” (I can imagine, even in the most dysfunctional marriage, a woman could want to “save face” even more, if she had adopted a son, so doesn’t want to escape a bad marriage, because it might make her “look bad” in the community..that/if she, as an adoptive parent, didn’t work out so well with her marriage, after all the red tape it took to adopt a son)?
It is a bit confusing when you wrote, “My family issues really come from my aunt’s husband. She had the misfortune to marry a disturbed individual. Thus the male culprits of my story (uncle and his brother) are by marriage to my mother’s sister.”
You mean your mother and your aunt are sisters, too? You’re not telling us that both culprits were married to the same woman at different times, are you, but are telling us, rather, that your mother and aunt were sisters? You meant that your aunt and your mother were sisters, right?
Sounds like one hell of an enmeshed family, not to mention highly dysfunctional.
I’m just curious as to how many of your female cousins (much too late) revealed being molested by their father or uncle? Hope no granddaughters or grandsons were molested by them, as well.
Did the “seduction” from your cousin take place during a vacation your cousin took, from his state to yours, or did you two live locally close to each other, as in down the street from each other?
Were either your father or uncle also alcoholics? If so, was alcoholism an issue in the family, that was passed on from father to son?
It seems you still have major cognitive dissonance about that episode..especially when you wrote you were not molested. Yet, I think you were. Very probably so do many other LF bloggers believe the same as I do (well..at least one of them, so far, agrees)
This cousin of yours..you said he was imprisoned for statutory rape of a girl. How much time did he serve? When he got years older, did he go on to commit pedophilia with other children, and if he did, was it just girls, or girls and boys? Or do you suspect him of this? How long did his failed marriage last? Was he the only boy among his siblings? Was he the youngest?
Your story runs very parallel in details to my own story (about my ex spath’s family), eerily so, that is why I ask these questions.
Zim
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zimzoomit says:
The key to getting out of the doldrums, to heal, is to take little steps, like:
Wear nothing or keep nothing that reminds you of the spath.
Don’t look at photos of him if you can help it. Put them away safely somewhere, out of your home, along with any proof or documents you have on him, possibly store them at the home of a friend, or in a safe box at your bank..but save them just in case one day a Private Investigator comes to your home..in case some other women he duped wants to confirm that others have been conned by him, then you can find those documents/photos when you need them.
Most of you are probably still angry, as I once was. Do safe things to obtain peace of mind. Take an anger management class or see a counselor. Take up advocacy/activism to help other women. Volunteer a fews hours a week in a woman’s shelter, if you have the time or energy, or commit yourself to some other advocacy/activism effort.
yours truly, Zim
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zimzoomit says:
If he hits you (leaving bruises, cuts, abrasions), that same day, get that day’s newspaper, hold it up to your face (or where ever he struck/injured you), and have a friend, same day, take a digital photo of you holding the newspaper,.. a photo that will also be date stamped the date it was taken. Keep it as proof of his abuse.
Zim
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DUPED NO MORE! says:
If he/she leaves bruises, cuts, abrasions -OR- is psychologically screwing with you…you mean…wish there was a gauge to measure that with!
Having a therapist listen to threatening phone calls they leave you or any other such dysfunction, always helps substantiate you. Just a thought. Have anyone listen. BUT:
Yes, keeping logs are very important.
If you just keep brushing it off like it’s nothing, you may sometime regret not having the logs to back you up so DO IT! Date, time, what was said/done…
BUT: if you keep putting yourself back into it without seeing the :::RED FLAGS::: which, in my case, are NOW flashing neon signs with fireworks going off in the background….if you keep making excuses for them and putting it aside thinking you are ‘helping’ them, you aren’t and you certainly aren’t helping yourself either.
If you are in an abusive situation, be that situation physical abuse and/or emotional/mental abuse, GET OUT and get to a place of refreshment and safety.
Contact your local authorities to report the situation with you and stay away from the trouble! It does NO GOOD to keep going back and going back…they are only abusive some more. Leopards don’t change their spots. Those spots stick with them their whole lives long. They only acquire NEW SPOTS TO GO ALONG WITH THE OLD ONES.
You know I am right ~ yes, I am talking to “YOU”…
If you need assistance, your local authorities can help you but you have to help them to help you. Sometimes you are in a situation where leaving is not so easy – once again, your local law enforcement can help you with the process. Ask for assistance because there are a lot of people in the world who DO understand and are ready and willing to assist you.
The only way we can make it through this is by keeping care and watch on ourselves. That includes eating right; sleeping right; grabbing a hold of the here and now and living it and accepting our situations for what they truly are. Sometimes that takes a whole lot of honesty with yourself and sometimes that’s not so easy to face – our hearts break and melt – but the truths are the truths and the sooner we recognize and accept THAT, and those truths, a whole new door opens…
It has taken me such a very long time to ‘accept’ what this is, that has happened to me. And, I do accept a lot of responsibility because I was unaware. NOW, I am aware. The encounter off NC was brief (a week) but enough time for me to resolve the truths, inside myself and that is why I did it. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life not knowing FOR SURE.
I said to “IT”: “Please forgive me for my lack of understanding. Somehow, I will always miss you. Good Bye.”
For me, the journey, I think is over.
At least inside of myself. I still have a lot of the ‘conditioning habits’ to break from my long capture…..New resolutions and virtues and new morals have taken over and now guide me. It has, at once, this experience, left me missing something but yet, gaining something else. Just another ‘tide’ of life we have to ride. I want what’s left to mean something and that is why I went back. How I can I ask someone else to do something I am not prepared to do myself? But with psychopaths, that always goes unrecognized. Always. Our sacrifices are nothing to them.
Take care everyone ~ have a great day…
Don’t forget your worth and your value.
Dupey
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000charlie000 says:
thankyou so much for this site, I am struggling so terribly with this, but its so nice to see all of the posts an realise its not me, …..but doesnt make it easier, I am still in contact with this spath, trying so hard not to be, but as soon as I am doing ok, becoming me again, he comes back nice an sweet (acts normal) then sucks me back in, then uses contact of one or two of his past women to upset me so I get defensive, feel hurt an sad, …I guess I use to think he missed me, but after reading the posts here, he doesnt miss me, he just misses having someone to control. I love this man, but I dont know how to survive this an get out. I had it all b4 I met him, but now am left alone in a strange town, no friends, no family, no job or money, I think he is doing an exceptional job just keeping me where I need him an its so hard. I apologise for sounding so desperate, but I am. I dont want to end up crazy an mentally unstable, I use to be so strong an independent but now I am going insane. I am scared I will never be free an have no idea how to start. I want to walk, but the more steps I take forward I take 3 times as many bavck to him. He is obviously so good at what he does, I have watched other women also struggle to leave him, even when we all knew or suspected each other. Please help..
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skylar says:
charlie,
you are trauma bonded. This kind of bond is almost impossible to break on your own. You need help and you need knowledge. Start reading books on the trauma bond. google it, research it. Then go to your DV center and see if they have groups you can join for victims of domestic abuse. You shouldn’t have to be alone in this.
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000charlie000 says:
thankyou skylar,
Thankyou so much, as silly as it sounds was nice to know that someone has replied an knows how hard it is. I am reading as much as I can, but a support group would be great. But I still cant stop feeling like I will be letting him down, I know that sounds insane, but he allways goes on about how all bitches have f,,,,ed him over an I will walk away just like the rest. For some stupid reason I wanted to stick by him through the crap an prove I was better than them, but I should know better. He still playing games with his soon to be ex wife, an has just contacted a not so nice woman that he flaunted around infront of his wife(when they were still together) just to hurt her an let her know she could loose him. He knows how I feel about this lady(she is also of the same mould as him, stalked him for a long time) but he still did it an lied to me about it. I feel stupid cause I just want thim to say his sorry an get rid of her an choose me. Which I am sure he wont, but he will most probably convince me he has. He calls me evryday, but says I am not his, I am free..bla bla, but if I dont answer he is not nice, but then will drive an hour to check if I am ok. what the??? i am realising that I am truly out of my depth, why do I feel like I am letting him down? he is also very ill medically recently an is using that. I am a little scared of what could happen if I do manage to leave?
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darwinsmom says:
000charlie000,
Welcome. I’m very sorry for the reasons why you ended up here, but it’s the first step towards freedom and healing.
At present you wonder why you feel so bad… the answer lies in the hook he lured you in: “all other women failed him” and you took up the cudgel and decided (because of manipulation) not to fail him. He’s using the pride you take in being loyal. You regard it as a value, and he used it as a weapon against you.
The promise you made to yourself back then (to be loyal) was based on false information. It’s as if you signed a contract with someone (in your heart and mind) but the other signee never kept up his part of the bargain, worse that someone didn’t even exist. The contract thereby is null and void. You were duped into. And if you consider how he treated you, his ex-wife and other women is it any surprise that they left? Were they wrong to leave him? Also, how many of these women has he “fucked over”?
You need to find support, and go NC with him… because he’s working you on your pity feelings, on your values, and guilt. Meanwhile, he has NO PITY for you, NO values, and NO guilt.
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skylar says:
charlie,
it’s not silly at all. This is how we all felt when we first got here. It’s a relief that someone understands.
The first thing to remember is that these people lie ALL THE TIME. They don’t open their mouths without lying or deceiving. It’s so hard to wrap your head around that but it’s a fact and if you can remember it, then you’ll know that the truth is exactly the opposite of what he tells you.
He hates you, utterly. And he wants to hurt you. In order to do that he must control you. In order to control you he has to get a hook into your emotions. As you can see, it works quite well, doesn’t it?
Don’t let him have any emotions from you. Take them back.
They are wasted on him because the “man” he presents to you DOES NOT EXIST. You are giving a cartoon character your emotions.
Read the article on gray rock if you need to understand how to hide your emotions.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/.....ychopaths/
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Ana says:
Hi Charlie,
I stopped reading at “all these bitches want to f^^k him over. Yeah, I bet they do!
Get away from him, any way you can! Don’t feel sorry, judgemental, pity..JUST leave.
I really hope you do.
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Libragirl72 says:
Charlie,
I’m day 22 NC and it hasn’t been easy at all. I can tell you for the first time in a long time, I’m more rested and taking better care of myself. I was just like you in the sense that if he called, I answered! That was it. And, I can relate to when you said he gets angry if you don’t answer. Yet, there were times my Spath would purposely turn off his phone, purposely not answer my calls, and go to bed without answering my calls at all. How hurtful is that?! The thing is..they don’t play fair. And, my hook is much like your hook..when we first met he said to me “your the only person that has stayed by my side and seen something good in me”. And, from that moment that’s exactly what I did. I stayed by his side through his lies (and, it was all lies), violent temper, etc. Just like Darwinsmom said, our hearts signed a contract to be loyal. But, we have to let them go because they are not honoring the contract. I understand your statement about letting ‘him down’. I feel that too. But, haven’t they let us down? Do you want to go through life wondering IF he loves you? Or, do you want to find someone capable of showing you on a daily basis? I couldn’t wonder anymore, so NC 22 days.
Keep your chin up.
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000charlie000 says:
libra girl 72,
oh my god, I think our stories are so similar, he also turns his phone off or makes himself unavailable an if I leave a message or call to much, even if I am genuinley concerned if his ok, I am called stalker an alot of other things I best not mention. Wow 22 days NC, well done.
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Truthspeak says:
Charlie, gentle hugs to you. Skylar is spot-on about becoming involved in a support group. The healing that you will experience is phenomenal.
When the exspath first left, I was an absolute basket case and I wanted to “talk” to him to sort things out. Well, previous experiences and this site reiterated “No Contact” in my mind – it was the only thing that really kicked in at the time. And, it also helped me (odd though it may sound) that he filed for a restraining order against me. I did NOT want to be arrested for THAT, of all things. So, I haven’t made an attempt to contact him. Good thing, too.
The time that I have not spoken to him (he called once to demand money from ME! LMAO) has given me terrible insight that is Truth. I don’t like it, one dammed bit, because the Truth is that he pulled a long scam over a decade and that there is no legal remedy for what he’s done.
Thanks to this site, it’s going to be okay. Thanks to counseling therapy, I finally realized that it wasn’t necessarily me missing the “red flags” because he was so effective in his double life. YOU will find your feet on your own healing path, Charlie. In fact, you’re already beginning to take those awkward baby steps! You KNOW that something just isn’t right, but you’re reaching out for help to sort it all out! KEEP REACHING!!! Keep putting your hand out, Charlie! There are people around you that will help you when you stumble.
Brightest healing blessings to you.
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I_survived_The_Bastard says:
@Panther – thanks, I thought it good to have a positive name. Makes me feel better lol
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